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1
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:14,000
(blade whirring)
2
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:17,100
(woman screams,
loud thudding)
3
00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:18,334
Great Caesar's
gumbo party!
4
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,767
Can you believe it?
5
00:00:19,834 --> 00:00:22,100
200 bucks for
a parking ticket.
6
00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:23,801
You parked
in a handicapped space.
7
00:00:23,868 --> 00:00:25,100
So what?
No one ever notices,
8
00:00:25,167 --> 00:00:26,868
except the people
who are supposed to park there
9
00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:28,467
and hell,
I can outrun them any day.
10
00:00:28,534 --> 00:00:29,934
Extra police are here
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,501
because the president is touring
the neighborhood today.
12
00:00:31,567 --> 00:00:33,234
Perhaps they thought
you looked suspicious.
13
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:37,200
Suspicious? Me?
Ridiculous.
14
00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,334
Hey, maybe I'll go see
the president.
15
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,400
You're not going to complain
to him about the size
16
00:00:41,467 --> 00:00:43,033
of the pasties
at that airport bar again.
17
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,701
What? They're way too big.
18
00:00:44,767 --> 00:00:47,100
But that's not all, Corny--
I'm going to talk to him
19
00:00:47,167 --> 00:00:49,334
about people making a commitment
to our country,
20
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,534
providing a new tomorrow
for our children,
21
00:00:51,601 --> 00:00:53,400
making the future
everything it can and should be.
22
00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,300
Forget it. There's a line.
23
00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:56,534
(knocking)
24
00:00:56,601 --> 00:00:57,667
Enter!
25
00:00:57,734 --> 00:00:59,868
Hi. The blown-up
and dismembered
26
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,367
stuffed animals
told us to go on in.
27
00:01:02,434 --> 00:01:04,634
I hope we're not
disturbing you.
28
00:01:04,701 --> 00:01:06,868
You're drooling
in your desk.
29
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:10,067
It's all part
of what we do here.
30
00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,734
What do you do here?
31
00:01:11,801 --> 00:01:13,334
I look at breasts--
32
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:14,868
and I'm a detective.
33
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:17,133
But mainly the breast thing.
34
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,901
ALL:
Oh, cool.
35
00:01:18,968 --> 00:01:21,367
It's times like this
I wish I had a penis.
36
00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:22,934
So, eat
to please you.
37
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,467
Uh, plead
to beat you.
38
00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:26,133
I'm Duckman.
This is Cornfed.
39
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,167
Word.
40
00:01:27,234 --> 00:01:28,267
I'm Katrine.
41
00:01:28,334 --> 00:01:29,467
I'm Petra.
42
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:32,400
I'm, um... don't tell me.
43
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:33,767
Cornfed.
44
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:35,267
That's
his name.
45
00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:36,767
Oh, yeah.
46
00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:38,801
That's where
I heard it.
47
00:01:38,868 --> 00:01:40,267
(all giggling)
48
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,801
And where are
you three arousing and,
49
00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:44,901
hopefully, not Catholic-educated
ladies going?
50
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:47,467
We were going downstairs
to see the president
51
00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:48,734
and we got lost.
52
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,767
Which way is it
to the ground?
53
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,934
Uh... down.
54
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,100
Told you!
55
00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:55,167
Hey, up, down--
56
00:01:55,234 --> 00:01:56,934
long as one
comes after the other
57
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,100
over and over and over.
58
00:01:58,167 --> 00:01:59,300
May we accompany you ladies?
59
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,501
Wait a minute!
60
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:01,834
Will you be trying
61
00:02:01,901 --> 00:02:03,968
to have sex
with us later?
62
00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:06,601
Uh... yes.
63
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,167
ALL:
Cool.
64
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:09,434
(hooting laughter)
65
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:11,167
Well, if you'll
just wait outside
66
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:12,200
I'll join you faster
67
00:02:12,267 --> 00:02:15,100
than you can say
"pass the canola oil."
68
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:16,434
(giggling)
69
00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:17,601
Bye.
70
00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:19,434
Wow! This president thing
71
00:02:19,501 --> 00:02:21,767
is just the babe magnet
I need.
72
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,400
I sure wish you
could go with us.
73
00:02:23,467 --> 00:02:24,834
Remind me again
why I can't.
74
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:27,901
Well, you have to stay here
in case we get a client.
75
00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:31,133
Hell, I can't even say it
with a straight face.
76
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:32,467
I won't lie to you,
old friend.
77
00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:34,634
I'm selfishly and greedily
cutting you out of the action
78
00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:36,400
'cause I want the girls
to myself.
79
00:02:36,467 --> 00:02:38,434
Well, got to go get
my basket weaved!
80
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,367
When I snap,
I'll killhimfirst.
81
00:02:44,434 --> 00:02:47,501
Katrine, Petra, Cornfed!
82
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,767
Oof!
83
00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:50,467
Ow!
84
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:51,634
Ooh!
85
00:02:51,701 --> 00:02:53,567
Please, would you?
86
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,100
God... (muttering)... Ooh!
87
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:57,667
Su-su-sudio, there they are!
88
00:02:57,734 --> 00:02:59,667
Ooh, Mr. President.
89
00:02:59,734 --> 00:03:01,267
(indistinct
radio transmission)
90
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:06,567
Make the rabbits
leave me alone!
91
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:11,934
Right in my sights!
Right in my sights!
92
00:03:14,033 --> 00:03:14,701
(screams)
93
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:15,901
Ow!
94
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:19,634
Whoo!
95
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,400
I would have scraped my knee
96
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,767
if I hadn't landed
on this gun-wielding maniac.
97
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:25,133
Gun-wielding maniac!
98
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,734
(Duckman yells,
crowd screams)
99
00:03:26,801 --> 00:03:28,400
WOMAN:
He saved the president's life!
100
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:29,534
It wasn't me.
101
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,100
I swear it wasn't...
102
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,767
I... I did?
103
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:33,868
Of course I did.
104
00:03:33,934 --> 00:03:35,000
That's me--
105
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,400
presidential savior.
106
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:38,834
Guess this will make me
a national hero.
107
00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,400
And here comes the press.
108
00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:41,767
Ah, the price of fame.
109
00:03:41,834 --> 00:03:42,968
Come forth, estate.
110
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:44,667
Right here.
I'm fit to print.
111
00:03:44,734 --> 00:03:46,033
For what is heroism...?
112
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,334
REPORTER:
When'd you snap?
113
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,534
Why'd you do it?
114
00:03:48,601 --> 00:03:49,767
Why'd you snap?
When'd you do it?
115
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:50,467
Have you ever
dated Madonna?
116
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,801
Would you like to?
117
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:53,367
Wait a minute!
Stop the presses!
118
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,400
I'm the hero!
119
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:55,901
Why the hell
aren't you talking to me?
120
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:57,767
What for? At least hecame here
todosomething.
121
00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:00,300
All you did was get in the way
of a bigger story.
122
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,367
Did anybody ever save a paper
with the headline
123
00:04:02,434 --> 00:04:04,367
"President Not Shot"?
124
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:05,734
Hey, guys!
Unsubstantiated rumors
125
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:07,200
and ill-informed gossip
over here!
126
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:08,767
(reporters clamoring)
127
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,601
DUCKMAN:
Well, well, well...
128
00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:16,901
finally someone gives a hero
his due.
129
00:04:16,968 --> 00:04:18,067
What is heroism...?
130
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,334
Who cares about that?
131
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,334
You urine-colored
feather duster!
132
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,000
You were this close
to the assassin--
133
00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:25,267
Lee Harley Kozak.
134
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,734
Actually, you were
this close.
135
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,033
(groans)
136
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:31,634
(screaming)
137
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:34,767
Don't say anything,
you sick, Nazi cow!
138
00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:36,767
I'll nail you to the wall
139
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:40,100
for what you did to my
client in your column!
140
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:44,267
You're nothing
but a dried-out old hag!
141
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:46,234
(gibbering over phone)
Huh?
142
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:48,667
Well, is your mommy home?
143
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:50,601
Never mind.
144
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:51,968
Ah, the Duckman.
145
00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:53,267
Nice to meet you--
146
00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:56,434
and that's only a
slight exaggeration.
147
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:57,601
Who the hell are you?
148
00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:58,901
Arthur Salvo.
149
00:04:58,968 --> 00:05:01,701
Publicist and dream-maker
extraordinaire.
150
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:03,601
I'm going
to make you famous.
151
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:04,667
Huh?
152
00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,200
Hey, how?
153
00:05:06,267 --> 00:05:07,400
Clearly not
154
00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:09,701
with speaking
engagements. Ha!
155
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,734
I'll tell you how.
156
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,200
To start with,
I booked you
157
00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:14,567
on the hottest daytime
talk show around--
158
00:05:14,634 --> 00:05:15,834
Geofredo.
159
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,968
After that you'll take off
160
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:22,300
faster than metastasizing cells
from a smoker's lungs!
161
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:26,434
All you have to do
is sign.
162
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,100
(sinister laughter
echoing)
163
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:30,934
Sorry...
I just thought
164
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,767
of something funny
I said last week.
165
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:39,033
While the world watched,
the life of
166
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,901
the most important person
on the planet who isn't me
167
00:05:41,968 --> 00:05:44,234
was saved by one man, Duckman.
168
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,567
An exclusive today on Geofredo
169
00:05:46,634 --> 00:05:50,067
an episode that's so important,
half of it will be commercials.
170
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,501
Back in seven minutes.
171
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:53,834
Geofredo...
172
00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:56,834
What, you think you
can proposition me
173
00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:58,267
just because I like
to hang out
174
00:05:58,334 --> 00:06:00,601
in locker rooms nude,
with a lot of sweaty boxers?
175
00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:01,767
I... I'm Duckman.
176
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:02,801
Oh, right.
177
00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,601
You're great.
It's a real honor.
178
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,601
I can't believe
I'm really here.
179
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,200
I mean everybody
watches Geofredo.
180
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:10,534
His show on impotent lesbian
roller-blading skinheads
181
00:06:10,601 --> 00:06:11,367
was a classic.
182
00:06:11,434 --> 00:06:12,801
Whatever.
183
00:06:12,868 --> 00:06:15,234
30 seconds to air.
Break a leg.
184
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:16,567
Whose?
185
00:06:16,634 --> 00:06:18,067
Ha! I said,
"break a leg."
186
00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:19,400
Like in "good luck."
187
00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:21,400
You went the whole
other way with it.
188
00:06:21,467 --> 00:06:23,033
Everyone else would
have gone the first way--
189
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,434
the ordinary way--
190
00:06:24,501 --> 00:06:27,667
but you said, "No, no,
I'm going the other way."
191
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:29,801
You're the best,
Duckman.
192
00:06:29,868 --> 00:06:32,167
Break a leg!
193
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:33,501
Whose?
194
00:06:35,534 --> 00:06:39,400
We're back with the man who has
been hailed as a national hero.
195
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:40,801
Duckman, what went
through your mind
196
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,734
when you heroically moved
197
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:44,801
to stop Kozak from committing
this heinous crime
198
00:06:44,868 --> 00:06:46,167
that would've
shocked the world?
199
00:06:46,234 --> 00:06:47,701
Well, Geofredo, I...
200
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,834
I haven't given it much thought
201
00:06:49,901 --> 00:06:52,267
but what is heroism?
What is courage?
202
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:53,834
(playing "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic")
203
00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:56,834
In the end, I simply did what
any American would do--
204
00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:59,701
his sacred duty
to protect this land
205
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,701
and its peoples
from any and all
206
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,200
that would or will
do them or they harm or hurt.
207
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:05,534
Am I a hero?
208
00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:07,200
If doing what needs to be done
209
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:09,501
to save the world is heroism
210
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:12,534
well, then, guilty as charged.
211
00:07:12,601 --> 00:07:15,100
Duckman, what would you say
if I told you we had
212
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:17,601
exclusive,
amateur videotape
213
00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:19,067
of your true
activities
214
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:22,801
in the crucial moments
before the rescue?
215
00:07:22,868 --> 00:07:23,834
Mommy...?
216
00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:27,434
GEOFREDO:
A pinch?
217
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:28,968
WOMAN:
He pinched them!
218
00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:30,567
There you have it--
the blind-side ambush
219
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:32,601
you'd think anyone
coming on a show like this
220
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:33,801
would expect by now.
221
00:07:33,868 --> 00:07:35,067
So, how many feel
that Duckman
222
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:37,901
should be imprisoned
and/or beaten?
223
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,000
(scattered applause)
224
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:39,834
Really?
225
00:07:39,901 --> 00:07:41,200
Do I have I have to remind you
226
00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,267
there were innocent children
there, watching,
227
00:07:43,334 --> 00:07:45,934
as this depraved fiend
made his filthy advances?
228
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,567
Perhaps even your children's
minds forever poisoned--
229
00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:51,567
futures forever tarnished?
230
00:07:51,634 --> 00:07:53,267
Perhaps even driven to drugs?
231
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:56,767
Well, maybe it's not hip
and maybe it's not popular,
232
00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:58,834
but I think drug-pushers
and wife-beaters,
233
00:07:58,901 --> 00:08:00,033
and child-molesters
and mother-killers
234
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:01,834
and World Trade Center
terrorists
235
00:08:01,901 --> 00:08:03,467
should be locked up for life.
236
00:08:03,534 --> 00:08:06,701
I say why wait for the courts
to find Duckman guilty?
237
00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:08,300
We're the only court
that matters--
238
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:10,300
the court of public opinion.
239
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,868
You heard him yourself say
he was guilty as charged.
240
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:16,334
Who thinks Duckman
should die?
241
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,300
(all shouting)
242
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,100
Ahh!
243
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,667
(gunshot)
244
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,400
Mother Teresa--
245
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:33,267
traveling the world,
helping the needy
246
00:08:33,334 --> 00:08:37,167
or racking up frequent flyer
miles with your donations?
247
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:38,534
On the next Geofredo.
248
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:39,634
Ahh!
249
00:08:40,701 --> 00:08:42,868
(siren wailing)
250
00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:44,434
(moaning)
251
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:46,968
I can't believe he set me up.
252
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,834
Actually,
I set you up.
253
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:51,801
I okayed the videotape
and gave it to Geofredo.
254
00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:53,234
And you know why?
255
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,033
They hate you, but they'll
drive over their own mothers
256
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,467
to hear more about you.
257
00:08:56,534 --> 00:08:59,467
By tomorrow they'll only
remember that you're famous.
258
00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:00,701
You sleep now.
259
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:01,634
But I'm not tired.
260
00:09:01,701 --> 00:09:03,033
How about now?
261
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,801
(gasping)
262
00:09:04,868 --> 00:09:05,868
(static crackling)
263
00:09:05,934 --> 00:09:07,767
Welcome back
to 'round-the-clock coverage
264
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:10,100
of Duckman the Pinchaholic
265
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:11,501
not because the story
is important
266
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:14,634
but because our constant focus
makes it important.
267
00:09:14,701 --> 00:09:17,200
Due to good, hard
investigative journalism
268
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:18,868
and because we paid them
the most,
269
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:23,501
Duckman's next-door neighbor is
with us on Inside Copy today.
270
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:26,234
Yeah, he's a lowlife,
slimeball deviant.
271
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,801
Living here isn't
all that bad, though.
272
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,133
Thanks to him,
I'm charging
273
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,300
newspeople ten bucks
to use my crapper.
274
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:32,634
Pretty sweet.
275
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:35,100
Late-breaking news on Pinchboy.
276
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,501
I'm getting word in my earpiece
277
00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:39,334
that we have a shred of new,
incriminating information...
278
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,467
No... no, we don't,
but who knows, we might soon.
279
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:45,934
Meantime, a look at the store
where he buys his combs.
280
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,767
(protesters clamoring)
281
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,601
(indistinct shouting)
282
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:55,567
(helicopter whirring overhead)
283
00:09:55,634 --> 00:09:57,534
Oh, look,
the traffic chopper sky babe.
284
00:09:57,601 --> 00:10:00,868
Hey, mama, how about landing
on my zero-niner?
285
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,834
I'll wear a wind sock.
286
00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:04,434
(helicopter crashing)
287
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:05,767
That just goes to show
288
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:08,133
you need to use all your fingers
to fly a helicopter.
289
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,367
I can't believe this.
290
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,133
I saved the
president's life,
291
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,934
and they treat me like some
incompetent, oversexed loser.
292
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,734
What part don't you understand?
293
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,067
(all clamoring)
294
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:21,200
Duckman, the press is
like a wild animal.
295
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:23,767
Everyone knows if you're
confronted by a wild animal,
296
00:10:23,834 --> 00:10:27,033
the smart thing to do
is to wave a piece of
raw meat in front of it.
297
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:28,601
The animal will
smell the meat,
298
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,434
think it's eaten
and fall asleep.
299
00:10:30,501 --> 00:10:33,501
My Uncle Frank, the former
big game hunter, told me that.
300
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:34,901
Well, actually, he typed it
301
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,167
using a stick
he held in his teeth.
302
00:10:37,234 --> 00:10:38,334
(all cheering)
303
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,734
(grunts and groans)
304
00:10:39,801 --> 00:10:41,234
Duckman, do you think
you're a pervert?
305
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:42,901
Listen, bucko.
306
00:10:42,968 --> 00:10:44,834
The ability of a nation
to protect its leaders
307
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:46,834
is its pride, its manhood.
308
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:48,501
At the moment in question,
309
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,734
I held the president's manhood
in my hands,
310
00:10:50,801 --> 00:10:53,467
and I don't mind telling you,
it felt great.
311
00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:56,367
Does that make me a pervert?
You decide.
312
00:10:56,434 --> 00:10:58,267
Let's see them twist that
out of context.
313
00:10:58,334 --> 00:10:59,934
Shall we continue?
314
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:05,100
And that is why in Togo,
biscuits are called Duckman.
315
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,434
And now I must leave you
316
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:07,734
as the Brady Bunch is on,
317
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,534
and I find four of those
children incredibly arousing.
318
00:11:10,601 --> 00:11:12,033
(all laughing)
319
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,400
Get out of here.
320
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:14,667
(door closes)
321
00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:16,133
There, Bernice,
I answered a few
questions.
322
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,133
That should
hold them.
323
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,868
You were out there
for three days!
324
00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:21,434
Duckman, in some sick way,
325
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:24,033
I think you're starting
to enjoy this horrible circus.
326
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,234
That's crazy!
327
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,400
Wait. No.
328
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:28,400
Actually, that's 100% true.
329
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:30,033
I always get
those two mixed up.
330
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,300
Sorry for bursting in
like a runaway train.
331
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:33,367
It's business.
332
00:11:33,434 --> 00:11:35,234
Duckman, due to our
sterling reputation
333
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:38,033
and my cold-calling
over 12,000 people yesterday,
334
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,033
we have a case.
335
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,100
Stuff it, sparerib.
336
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:41,400
There's no more gum
on my shoe.
337
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:44,033
I finally plugged into the true
American work ethic--
338
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:47,033
raking in loads of cash without
an ounce of actual effort.
339
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,200
I can do whatever I want, Corny.
340
00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:50,701
My name is gold.
341
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,100
In fact with
a reputation like mine,
342
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:53,534
I could even run for office.
343
00:11:53,601 --> 00:11:54,968
While I know it won't be easy,
344
00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:56,601
it's not like
I've sold arms for hostages,
345
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:58,467
but I can do it.
I can do anything.
346
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:00,000
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
347
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,234
Ha, ha, ha, ha...
(crashing, glass breaking)
348
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,834
For those of you
who went out for a beer,
349
00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,300
we've created a monster.
350
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,000
(TV playing)
351
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:13,133
Cholesterol and gristle!
352
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,934
Get it while it's congealing.
353
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,000
(gasps)
354
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,100
(all clamoring)
355
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:20,434
(slurping and munching
nosily)
356
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:21,667
(burps loudly)
(sighs)
357
00:12:24,434 --> 00:12:27,801
I'm guessing there are a few
extra chromosomes in this house.
358
00:12:27,868 --> 00:12:29,968
Duckman, about this
recent behavior,
359
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,267
I think you're
overexposing yourself.
360
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,601
Hey, it was an innocent
walk across campus.
361
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,434
Those coeds blew it
way out of proportion.
362
00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:38,100
What Mr. Desalvo is referring to
363
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:40,567
is the way you've been spreading
yourself a little too thin.
364
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,868
To wit: There's Duckman
T-shirts, Happy Meals,
365
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:45,534
condoms, tequila, suppositories
and aluminum siding.
366
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:48,100
There're Duckman pajamas
with peekaboo butt-flaps.
367
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,234
There's Duckman cereal,
where strawberry Duckmen
368
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,634
pinch toasted-wheat women.
369
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:54,067
There's Duckman dairy-air
frozen yogurt,
370
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:55,801
simply Duckman
scented love oils,
371
00:12:55,868 --> 00:12:57,734
Duckman tartar-control
tukus toothpaste
372
00:12:57,801 --> 00:12:59,467
with its pinchable
butt-shaped dispenser
373
00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:01,067
and Duckman kung-fu
action figures
374
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:03,534
with a plier-like grip
for that extra inch of pinch.
375
00:13:03,601 --> 00:13:05,567
Barely-tell-they're-leftover
Jodie Foster maverickfigures
376
00:13:05,634 --> 00:13:06,567
with glued-on bills.
377
00:13:06,634 --> 00:13:07,567
Duckman,
378
00:13:07,634 --> 00:13:09,534
the public is like a woman.
379
00:13:09,601 --> 00:13:13,534
You make love to her slowly,
passion ebbing and cresting,
380
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:15,334
bringing her to the brink
381
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,334
and then pulling back
to prolong the desire.
382
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,667
What planet are you from?
383
00:13:19,734 --> 00:13:21,000
I'm done showered and gone
384
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,667
before the time's up
on the magic fingers.
385
00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:25,434
Besides, what could be better
than having your face dumped
386
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:26,767
right into everybody's laps?
387
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:29,434
First, with those products,
then with my TV movie?
388
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:31,234
Every voter in the country
will be watching me.
389
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,667
And that and my sleazy
reputation
390
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:34,434
will make me a shoo-in
for the U.S. Senate.
391
00:13:34,501 --> 00:13:35,567
Duckman,
if I could...
392
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,033
Eh! Too many words,
you lose your turn.
393
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,133
We're too big for that
penny-ante detective stuff,
394
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,701
now, Corny,
and I do mean "we,"
395
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,033
because you're
going with me.
396
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,067
You could be the guy
397
00:13:43,133 --> 00:13:44,400
that goes in to
smooth things over
398
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:45,901
if I say something
that offends
399
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:47,968
any of those overly
sensitive special-
interest groups.
400
00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:50,033
You know, like those
real ugly broads who
are always yelling
401
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:51,734
about equal rights when
all they really need
402
00:13:51,801 --> 00:13:53,367
is a little honey
(clicks tongue)
in their hives?
403
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:55,133
What did you say?
404
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,133
Nada. Never mind.
405
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,467
It has absolutely
nothing to do
406
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:59,701
with anyone who remotely
resembles you.
407
00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:00,868
(sardonic chuckle)
408
00:14:00,934 --> 00:14:02,501
Duckman, think about it.
409
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:04,033
Is a life built on exploitation
410
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,033
the kind of example you want
to set for your family?
411
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:08,801
Exploitation? I'm a hero,
as my movie will prove.
412
00:14:08,868 --> 00:14:10,968
Besides, I've had
a talk with my family.
413
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,534
They know it's wrong
to capitalize on something
414
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,434
just because it means
a few extra bucks.
415
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,100
TV ANNOUNCER:
On newsstands now--
Duckman's mom-in-law
416
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,033
and the girls of I.C.U.
417
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,334
(breaking wind)
418
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,434
Doesn't matter.
419
00:14:22,501 --> 00:14:23,467
Don't want to
watch those anyway.
420
00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:25,100
Voters want
to know about me,
421
00:14:25,167 --> 00:14:27,033
and there's only one movie
that can tell them
422
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,067
what really happened
out there-- mine!
423
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:30,167
On USA.
424
00:14:30,234 --> 00:14:32,334
USA? Are they on at night?
425
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,334
Are you kidding?
426
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,767
Dozens of people watch USA,
427
00:14:34,834 --> 00:14:37,033
and they gave me
complete creative control,
428
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,167
meaning this movie
will be the truth.
429
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,067
I even turned down
playing myself,
430
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:42,467
opting instead for reality
431
00:14:42,534 --> 00:14:44,934
by getting an actual actor
to fake being me.
432
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,234
DUCKMAN:
Shh! There it is.
433
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,834
ANNOUNCER:
Winds, winds, winds and winds
will not be seen tonight,
434
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:53,501
so we may bring you
this USA movie event--
435
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:58,601
Pinch Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me:The Duckman Story.
436
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,734
What is heroism?
What is courage?
437
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,501
Now, I don't know
if I can define them,
438
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,067
but I do know them
when I see them,
439
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:09,801
and I see them both every time
I look in the mirror.
440
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,667
Ooh, Duckman.
Ooh, Duckman.
441
00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,834
And speaking
of seeing them both...
442
00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:17,100
(loud clattering)
Shh!
443
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,267
If you'll excuse me,
I do believe it's time
444
00:15:19,334 --> 00:15:21,667
to, uh, take out the trash.
445
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:26,634
(giggling)
446
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,067
(karate yells)
447
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:34,567
(fists smacking,
Ninjas grunting and groaning)
448
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,734
(gasping)
449
00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:39,167
Pesky Ninjas.
450
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:43,100
Oh, Duckman.
Ohh... here.
451
00:15:43,167 --> 00:15:45,100
DUCKMAN:
Okay, okay.
452
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,534
So I pushed the envelope a bit.
453
00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:47,901
That's just smart TV.
454
00:15:47,968 --> 00:15:49,901
On the tube, everyone's
a little bigger than life.
455
00:15:49,968 --> 00:15:51,267
A little more glamorous.
456
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:54,968
(belches)
457
00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:56,367
Don't fret, ladies.
458
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:59,200
That's just Cornfed,
my drunken, washed-up partner,
459
00:15:59,267 --> 00:16:02,634
whose worthless carcass I carry
through case after case.
460
00:16:02,701 --> 00:16:05,133
Heh, heh... a little
buddy comedy banter.
461
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,701
Wanna pass the nachos?
462
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:09,801
Duckman, there's a woman
outside to see you,
463
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,000
and you'll be very proud of me.
464
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,133
I barely vomited
on this one at all.
465
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,701
See, another thing about TV...
466
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:18,901
(spits)
467
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:20,901
Why don't you two
go tie yourselves up
468
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:22,667
and wait for me
on the couch?
469
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:24,334
Of course.
Anything you
say, Duckman.
470
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,667
(women giggling)
471
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,934
(gunshot)
472
00:16:40,801 --> 00:16:42,868
I'd like you to solve a case.
473
00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:45,734
Normally, I like
a bigger challenge.
474
00:16:45,801 --> 00:16:46,834
Not this one.
475
00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,000
He was my father.
476
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:51,601
Due to the fact that I was
once grounded in high school,
477
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:53,100
a jury of my peers
will understand
478
00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:55,067
that I was traumatized
and lashing out
479
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:57,267
and I will be acquitted
of any crime.
480
00:16:57,334 --> 00:16:59,434
I'm here for something else.
481
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:00,868
I'm all ears.
482
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:02,567
WOMAN:
Don't be so modest.
483
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:07,767
I'm sure you have lots of other
interesting extremities.
484
00:17:07,834 --> 00:17:09,267
Easy, my dear.
485
00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:10,567
I don't think we should
486
00:17:10,634 --> 00:17:12,868
extend this conversation
any further.
487
00:17:12,934 --> 00:17:15,667
Then we'll take her in
for a landing, flyboy,
488
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,801
and I'll restore
you to a locked
489
00:17:17,868 --> 00:17:20,100
and fully upright
position.
490
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:22,434
Just make sure
it's a smooth entry
into the hangar.
491
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:23,701
That shouldn't
be a problem
492
00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:25,601
as long as everything's
handled correctly
493
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:28,367
in the cockpit.
494
00:17:28,434 --> 00:17:30,734
(moaning passionately)
495
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:36,300
Ooh! Oh...
496
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:40,033
(moaning and panting)
497
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,667
Is this the part where
the oxygen mask drops down?
498
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:44,601
Be careful, my darling,
love is like a gerbil.
499
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,534
It's a lot of fun
but leaves pellets everywhere.
500
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,834
You're right. Besides,
I didn't just come here
501
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,734
to ride a
tongue-powered
tilt-a-whirl.
502
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:52,667
I was on my
Stairmaster
at the gym,
503
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:55,801
and I overheard someone's
plot to kill the president.
504
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,167
All right, let's go.
Oh!
505
00:17:57,234 --> 00:17:59,100
We'll take
my Volkswagen Jetta GLX
506
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,434
with dual airbags,
anti-lock brakes
507
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:02,501
and VW's unique
traction control.
508
00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:04,834
The German engineered
Volkswagen Jetta:
509
00:18:04,901 --> 00:18:07,300
European luxury
made affordable.
510
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,701
Dad, that was a blatant plug!
511
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:12,601
And your point is?
512
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:15,200
(woman moaning)
513
00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:18,567
Oh, you did it.
514
00:18:18,634 --> 00:18:20,300
You saved the president
515
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,167
and killed those
naughty assassins.
516
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:24,667
It wasn't hard for
those of us who know
517
00:18:24,734 --> 00:18:27,534
Jinkatsu, the ancient
art of eye-gouging.
518
00:18:27,601 --> 00:18:29,501
By the way,
tell the president
519
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:32,467
he won't look that
bad in a patch.
(giggling)
520
00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:35,133
CORNFED:
Did we really needall that degrading sex
521
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,200
and gratuitous,stomach-churning violence?
522
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:39,033
DUCKMAN:
Hey! USA hadcertain guidelines.
523
00:18:40,701 --> 00:18:42,133
Duckman...
524
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,400
the blood, the gore,
525
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,868
the ritual execution...
526
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:49,167
I'm titillated.
527
00:18:51,133 --> 00:18:52,801
(melodramatic music playing)
528
00:18:52,868 --> 00:18:54,968
Oh, Duckman...
529
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,100
Oh, Bernice...
530
00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,133
We shouldn't be doing this.
531
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,033
You're my brother.
532
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,167
In-law!
533
00:19:03,234 --> 00:19:04,734
Brother-in-law!
534
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:08,000
(moaning passionately)
535
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,868
Oh, Duckman...
(clattering)
536
00:19:09,934 --> 00:19:12,100
Ducky-duck...
Oh...
537
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:13,868
(clearing desk)
538
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:16,734
Oh...
What the hell
are you staring at?
539
00:19:16,801 --> 00:19:17,801
Oh, don't...
540
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:18,801
Don't stop.
541
00:19:18,868 --> 00:19:21,000
Oh, my God!
Don't stop!
542
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:23,234
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ducky! Ducky!
543
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,000
Oh! Oh!
Ducky!
544
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:28,834
Ducky!!!
545
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,300
ANNOUNCER:
The preceding wasa work of fiction
546
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,501
based on real-life,copycat behavior
547
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:38,100
inspired by a work of fiction.
548
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,868
What an experience.
549
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:44,200
I think this is something
I'll always carry with me.
550
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,100
Not unlike
a malignant tumor.
551
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:49,934
Excuse me, I have to go wash
with some lye and a wire brush.
552
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,534
Which one was
Marg Helgenberger?
553
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:54,367
You guys still
don't get it, do you?
554
00:19:54,434 --> 00:19:56,968
That movie turned out
exactly the way I wanted it to.
555
00:19:57,033 --> 00:19:58,901
That's what
John Q. Public wants.
556
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,667
That's what made me famous.
557
00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:03,901
That's what got you a free ride
on the Duckman gravy train.
558
00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:05,734
And with exposure like this,
559
00:20:05,801 --> 00:20:08,501
that train's going
all the way to the top.
560
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:11,567
Isn't that right,
teacher o' mine?
561
00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:14,667
(retching)
562
00:20:16,701 --> 00:20:19,367
(retching)
563
00:20:20,534 --> 00:20:24,167
(retching)
564
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,767
(retching)
565
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,367
Never mind. I'll ask him
when he's finished.
566
00:20:28,434 --> 00:20:29,601
Time to step outside,
567
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:31,100
get my kudos from the press
568
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,400
and tell them to dust off
my seat in the senate.
569
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:35,968
Hey?!
570
00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:37,300
Where'd everybody go?
571
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:38,634
(helicopter whirring overhead)
Story's over.
572
00:20:38,701 --> 00:20:39,868
We're onto the next one:
573
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,334
Ex-football player
castrates child-like singer.
574
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,801
(gate closing)
575
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,934
See you tomorrow,
usual time.
576
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,334
That's it?
577
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,400
Just like that?
578
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,033
No fame, no fortune?
579
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,834
No hot-tubbing
with Linda Bloodworth-Thomason?
580
00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:55,300
(laughing hysterically)
581
00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:58,601
Actually, we should all
feel a little embarrassed.
582
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:00,400
Dad, my teacher says
583
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:03,834
that every bad experience
teaches us a lesson.
584
00:21:03,901 --> 00:21:06,667
Ajax, your teacher
is wrong.
585
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,234
It's had no lesson at all.
586
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,100
It's impossible
for any thinking person
587
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,367
to come away with any
new insight whatsoever.
588
00:21:12,434 --> 00:21:13,834
I want you to make a detailed
589
00:21:13,901 --> 00:21:15,501
list of everything
that happened.
590
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,801
So if this situation
ever comes up again,
591
00:21:17,868 --> 00:21:20,133
we can do exactly the same thing
we did this time
592
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,434
and keep our fingers crossed
that it turns out better.
593
00:21:22,501 --> 00:21:23,801
Who wants cake?
594
00:21:23,868 --> 00:21:26,868
TV REPORTER:
Tonight's Duckman told a story
595
00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:29,000
of the commercializationof the news media.
596
00:21:29,067 --> 00:21:31,434
Could it really happen? Findout on the late-night news.
597
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:33,534
Also, we'll have
Gossip with Stacy,
598
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:36,801
The Dumbest Dog Contest,
Cooking with the Pan Man,
599
00:21:36,868 --> 00:21:38,968
Dr. Schnitzwith What's in the Stars?
600
00:21:39,033 --> 00:21:40,267
And, time permitting,
601
00:21:40,334 --> 00:21:42,601
a report on the bloodycivil war in Africa.
42960
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