All language subtitles for Zoe Ever After s01e02 The Third Wheel Gets Slapped.eng

The key to being single and fabulous

is being open to new experiences.

So, what do you think?

Uh...

can I be honest with you?

Sure.

I don't get it.

It looks like a nightmare I had

after eating five-day-old Chinese food.

- Ooh.
- Exactly.

I mean, my eight-year-old
son can do better than this,

and he is a horrible artist.

You should see my refrigerator at home.

It looks like a crime scene.

- But this guy...
- Um...

I am this guy.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

Your five-day-old Chinese
food nightmare has a name.

It's Jordan.

I'm sorry, Jordan.

See, this is the first
day with this new brain,

and it's not quite in
sync with my mouth yet.

(chuckling) It's okay.

You don't have to be sorry.

I mean, I just sold this baby for $300,000.

- $300,000?
- Mm-hmm.

Imagine how much it'll
be worth when you dead.

(chuckling)

Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Damn.

(Zoe) Another key to
being single and fabulous

is knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

(elevator bell dings)

Yo, is X ready?

Ooh, what are you wearing?

You're going camping
with an eight-year-old,

not leading a battalion
in to storm Afghanistan.

Hey, Dad.

Hey-hey, Mini-Me.

- Check out what your pops got you.
- Cool! Camo!

Wow, Gemini Moon goes camping.

I mean, could flying coach

and parking your own car be far behind?

Ever since you gave me my walking papers,

- I've acquired quite a few hobbies.
- Mm.

What is this?

That is to start a fire...

for me after you go to sleep.

I'll take care of this. Thanks.

You take care of my baby.

Gemini, I want him in your
sight at all times, okay?

And you better be checking
him for ticks and mosquitoes.

And keep him away from small animals.

And big animals, too.

And Jason and Freddy.

And... and... and the "Halloween"
dude that wears the hockey mask.

You know, 'cause in the woods
is where they kill people.

The gallery opening was the
hottest ticket in town this weekend,

and FYI, your girl was
there representing Team Zoe.

(laughing)

- Look at you, Z.
- Girl.

Dipping it and doing it.

Yes, darling, your girl
is back on the market.

And while X is off camping with his dad,

I am going to be living!

I'm killing being single and fabulous.

Oh-ho-ho, good for you.

I'm killing being on the bottom

of the Internet dating food chain.

Oh, Pearly, it's not that bad, is it?

Here's a little pearl of wisdom for you.

If your date's first words are

"Are the tortilla chips free?"

yours should be "Get your hand off my ass,

you cheap son of a bitch."

Sorry, Pearly.

I can see why that would
put you off of dating.

Oh, put me off of dating? No, hell, no.

I just have to work double time.

You know, I only have five
months left 'til my wedding.

And it would not be a good
look if you don't have a groom.

Exactly.

But I can't waste any more valuable

husband-finding time on these losers.

From now on, I need an
"In case of emergency exit

if he's not marriage material" plan.

What you need is a
better name for your plan.

I have a date with a new guy tonight.

Y'all come with me and be my parachute

- in case I need to pull a ripcord on a bro.
- OK.

I would, but I have a date of my own

with this artist that I
insulted at the gallery opening.

Apparently he thinks criticism is sexy.

- (laughing)
- Hey!

- Single and fabulous!
- (both) He ain't ready.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Yeah.

(chuckling)

This is dope, right?

Ranger said this is the
best spot in the park.

No, he said it was the
only spot in the park

'cause you didn't make reservations.

What'd I teach you about that, huh?

Who needs reservations when
you tippin' like a baller?

Besides,.

No such thing as a bad spot out here

This is God's country.

Smells like a toilet.

Well, God's country

Only thing that matters is you, me.

We're chillin'.

And check this out.

The Deluxe Forest Palace.

Holler at your daddy.

Dad, I thought we were
gonna live off the land.

Who says the land can't
have two bedrooms and a den?

(clattering)

Hello?

Anybody there?

Beverly, you hear that?

Hello?

Hello?

- Yo!
- Aah!

Are you crazy?

You could've gotten yourself killed.

What were you gonna do, powder me to death?

You should be so lucky.

This brush cost $150,

which would've been a waste
if I had to stab you with it.

What are you doing here anyway?

I'm trying to decide
whether it would be cheaper

to rewire the building

or fire bomb it.

You got good insurance, right?

'Cause if you want, I got a guy

who knows a guy who'd do it for real cheap.

What do you have against this building?

I mean, it may not be perfect,
but it's got character.

(laughing)

So, that's what's holding
it up... character?

I know that you're probably this

- type of girl...
- Woman.

The type of woman

who finds a stray puppy on the street and

brings him home because he's so cute and

(gibberish) and then (growling)!

Attacks you.

And pees all over your carpet.

Well, this building is
peeing on you as we speak.

So, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go check and
see what my guys did today.

Oh, I'll tell you what they did.

They left dust everywhere.

They drank up all the coffee,

and one of them used the copier

- to take pictures of his ass.
- (chuckles)

Oh, wait, that was probably Valente.

Never mind. Point is,

it's been so noisy around
here during the day,

I can barely get any work done.

So, I figured I'd do it now.

Oh, that's good. That's good.

'Cause, you know, for a minute there

I thought you were one of these sad,

lonely, pathetic, newly divorced "women"

who work late and sip
white wine from a straw.

Hm, lonely? Me?

Please. I'll have you
know I have a date tonight

with a world-renown arti...

_

(Zoe) Single and fabulous just
turned into single and disastrous.

He canceled by text?

- Trifling, right?
- Unh-unh!

To catch up on "Game of Thrones."

- Who does that?
- Well, I did that.

I mean, I called in sick last week

to binge watch the fifth season.

- What?
- What?

You know what?

I need to stop with the truth juice

- when I'm talking to you.
- You sure do.

Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay.

Pearl is signaling for us to leave.

Either that or she wants the threesome.

(chuckling) Robert,

- it was a pleasure.
- Pleasure's mine, my friend.

I bet.

I'll see you guys at the office tomorrow.

Uh, excuse me.

I'll have another
margarita with salt, please.

And, uh, how about those ahi tuna rolls.

- Valente?
- What?

Isn't Zoe going with you?

Oh, yes. Um, we can split a cab if you pay.

I would, but now I got
my tuna rolls coming.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

(whispering) Sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, what y'all talking about?

See? This is what camping's all about.

You didn't think your old man could survive

in the wilderness, huh?

I still can't believe you got that tent up.

Never underestimate the champ.

Okay, the tent's done.

You think I could get that selfie now?

I really got to go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. Hold up.

Right on. (chuckles)

Let me know if you see anybody in line

who looks like they know how to fish.

Dad, can we make some s'mores?

S'mores, ooh.

Here's the thing about s'mores.

That takes fire, which takes wood,

which means going into the woods.

And since there's wilderness out there,

I'm not gonna be the one
to do it. Not your boy.

Well, I'm not going out there. I'm eight.

You know what?

There's plenty of food in
this bear-proof container

that doesn't need to be cooked.

(grunting)

You know what?

Going to bed hungry,
that creates character.

Let's hop inside of these state-
of-the-art sleeping bags, huh?

Why is this so tight?

Just lay down and go to sleep.

Aah!

There you go.

Snug as a bug in a tight-ass sleeping bag.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh.

I got you, buddy.

Too late.

Oh, man! Damn!

I'm gonna hit the men's room real quick.

Don't you go anywhere.

Oh, I won't.

Excuse me.

(chuckling)

Girl, you can leave now. I got this.

I thought you wanted
me to be your parachute.

No, did you see him? I'm good.

- So, be my balloon and float away.
- Girl,

you have had 2-1/2 margaritas.

You know how Patr?n makes
your inner Hulk come out.

You leave Veronica out of this.

She hasn't made an appearance
since that 2009 Usher concert.

And I wasn't the only one

throwing my panties on the stage.

Yeah, but you were the only one

who almost got arrested

for groping the churro stand guy.

He smelled like cinnamon!

Maybe Rob and I should
have churros at our wedding.

Oh, so you're gonna just marry this guy

after 2-1/2 margaritas? Really, Pearl?

I know you want to get married this year,

but that doesn't mean
you have to act so thirsty

around these men!

It's like you're Moses

wandering the desert for a drop of water.

I am!

It's dry, Zoe!

I have 143 days left till
my wedding at the Plaza,

and I refuse to show up alone.

Now, are you with me or against me?

I'm with you.

Okay, relax, I got you.

Okay.

So...

- what do you say we get out of here?
- Cool, where we going?

Ooh... (chuckling)

Come in, girl.

So, where y'all wanna go now?

I'm ready to get turnt!

Maybe we should call it a night.

Why don't we drop Zoe off first?

- What? That's crazy.
- Yeah.

I live all the way in Tribeca.

Where do you live, Robert?

I'm in Chelsea on 18th and Sixth.

Oh, perfect, that's just
a couple minutes from here.

Okay, so what you wanna do is,
you wanna head north on Eighth.

Okay, go past 11th till you get to 14th.

And don't try to take the
West Side Highway either,

'cause I know how y'all do.

And they wonder why everybody taking Uber.

Make a right on 18th, go two blocks

and bam, you there.

You know what, um, it's a nice night.

- Maybe I'll just walk.
- Even better. Rob is gonna walk.

Good night.

Ouch.

(car door closes)

Well, that couldn't have gone any worse.

I know, right? I wasn't feeling him either.

But I was, and thanks to you,
he's never gonna be feeling me.

See, that's not you.

That's thirsty Veronica talking.

Will you stop it with that?

I told you, I'm good.

But no, you had to stay and
completely ruin my night,

and what is with you stalking me lately?

Stalking you? Excuse me?

- I'm your girl, I care about you.
- Since when?

Since when?

Since you threw up all over
my "Set it Off" comforter

freshman year in college. Oh yeah, girl,

I held your hair back and everything.

Where were you three years
ago when my apartment flooded?

Where were you when I had
that fire in my bathroom?

Girl, what is going on with your apartment?

Where were you when Fluffy died?

Oh, my God, Fluffy died?

I loved that dog.

He was a cat!

But you wouldn't know
about that, would you?

Since you were off in Gemini land.

So, now that you're single, here you come

up in my business
pretending to be concerned.

But the reality is now that you're alone,

you want everyone else to be alone too.

(door closes)

(distant growling)

What was that?

I don't know, but it sounded hungry.

I'm hungry too.

Is that rain?

Oh, man.

God crying on us 'cause
this is a sad, sad situation.

(exhaling)

I'm sorry, Champ,

just wanted this to be something
that you could remember.

I'll remember it, all right.

Just like that time Brandon Conrad

gave me an atomic wedgie.

Brandon Conrad?

- The one with the lisp?
- Yeah.

He thought I was looking
at his girl, Shana Philpot.

I was.

My man. (laughing)

(sighs) See, this is
what I'm talking about.

Sitting around, talking girls.

You know, I never got
to do that with my dad.

Now that I won't be
living with you full-time,

just don't wanna miss this
kind of thing like he missed.

I definitely don't want you
to miss out like I had to.

Dad, we don't have to
go camping to do this.

(thunder crashing)

(laughing)

So, uh, tell me more
about this Shana Philpot.

Well, first of all, she's nine.

Oh, a cougar. That's a boy.

So, I hear that Islamabad
is a beautiful city.

I mean, I'd love to visit someday.

You know, when the whole
war, suicide bombers,

terror thing slows down.

I wouldn't know, Mrs. Moon.

I'm from Queens.

But, if you will excuse me,

I have to get Mr. Kirkland
his new oxygen tank.

You know how worked up he
gets watching "Storage Wars."

Hey, Jessica.

(clears throat) Some weather
we're having out there, huh?

It's stormy.

(clearing throat)

So, I saw you in French "Vogue".

Oh, my God.

What, are you stalking me?

What is up with people
thinking I'm a stalker? No!

I'm just happy that the whole
modeling thing is working for you.

Work, cover girl!

- Ha!
- I see what's going on here.

You're just going through a divorce.

You're scared and you're lonely

because tonight is just the
first of many, many lonely nights

that you'll be spending home alone

in that big empty loft all by yourself,

with no man to keep you warm.

Just the warmth of the television

as you watch "Magic
Mike" for the 27th time.

Okay, see... (laughing)

Now you talking, "Magic Mike"?

Girls night in! What, let's do this!

Ooh, girl, you might
wanna change first, though.

Relax, it's just boobs.

Well, then, what are these?

The reason why you're alone.

So, no "Magic Mike?"

(scoffs) This bitch.

"What, are you stalking me?"

No.

My show.

(singing along)
Traveled
down the road and back again

(TV audio stops)

(sighs)

(phone ringing)

Hey, this is Pearl.

If you're calling to RSVP

for my November nuptials, press one.

If you're an eligible bachelor
available November 13,

text me your picture, a brief bio

and a criminal background check. (beep)

Pearly, it's me.

Zoe.

Zo-dog.

Girl, I'm sorry, I...

I'm a terrible friend.

I mean, you're right.

I did disappear on you
when I was in Gemini land.

And Miguel was right, too.

I'm a lonely, newly-divorced,

white wine drinker.

All I'm missing is the straw.

Mmm, do not tell him I said that.

Honestly, I didn't mean to screw
things up with you and Robert.

Although, when he leaned
over to kiss you, girl,

I did smell a little B.O.

That's not the point.

The point is you were right.

I'm alone.

By myself.

With nobody.

And no more wine.

(intercom melody playing)

- Amir?
- Amir, here.

Did you wanna come up and
finish our talk about Islamabad?

Oh!

Best friend.

Yes, girl! Come on, come on up.

(elevator bell dings)

(Zoe) The key to being a
good friend is patience,

forgiveness and wine.

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