All language subtitles for Youre the Worst s01e04 What Normal People Do.eng

(gunfire, explosions on TV)
(heavy metal music playing)

Jimmy! What's happening?!

What's happening?! What are you wearing?

- It's your war costume.
- It's not a costume!

- And why are you wearing it?
- They have a killer

- veterans' discount at the diner.
- Seriously? How much?

Why'd you let me sleep?

Okay, there is an alarm on every phone.

So, literally everybody
can be self-reliant on this.

- You went to breakfast?
- Yes.

- You went to breakfast with Killian?
- No, I didn't go to breakfast with Killian.

I went to breakfast with my book.
Killian just happened to be

sitting across from me, prattling
on about the fourth

- grade.
- Seventh grade.

Listen, Jimmy, I'm only
gonna say this once.

You and me, we could end tomorrow,
who knows, but in the meantime,

if there is even a remote
possibility of breakfast

and you don't wake me up, I will
never touch your dick again

with any part of my body.

- At least you brought me leftovers.
- Oh, actually, those

- were for... Yeah, enjoy those.
- He wore my uniform for

- a discount.
- What about the kid?

You know how busy that
place gets on weekends?

A soldier reunited with his fat little son?

- Hella smart.
- Oh, that reminds me.

Yours came to $18.23.
We'll just call it $20.

I don't have any money.

Go and steal it from your
mom's purse like a normal boy.

The last time I wore

that uniform during active duty,
we were doing house checks.

- A kid, 16, maybe 17, heard us...
- This is a really hard level.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll stop talking about my actual
war experiences so you

- can play your war video game.
- Thank you.

- Jimmy.
- Oh, come on, his stories

- are super-depressing.
- I'll listen to your stories.

Thanks.

One day I found four stray
dogs fighting over a dead baby...

Eject! Sorry, bud.

That's okay. Actually,
I'm speaking at the

dedication of a new veterans'
memorial today if you guys want

- to come...?
- Oh, my God!

The worst drive over here! (sighs)

What? Oh, I had my jaw wired shut,
so I don't put anything bad in my mouth.

But putting bad stuff
in your mouth is kind of your thing.

I know!

Thanks for driving me to work. Bye.

- Bye, Jimmy.
- Bye.

Could you take off my uniform now?

Oh, damn it! (groans)

War is hell.

* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *

* Gonna leave you anyway. *

- Sync and corrections by Caio and Bray -
- www.addic7ed.com -

The craftsman movement

was a protest against the

dehumanizing aspects of the

Industrial Revolution.

Irony is building these shits
was so expensive,

couldn't no laborers even
dream of living in one.

Do you just want to send
me the Wikipedia link?

What am I doing here?!

I need media coverage on this bitch, bitch.

What are you thinking?

Specifically, I want to
get the house featured in

Curbed, Apartment Therapy, or Black Dwell.

- What's Black Dwell?
- It's like Dwell,

but for black people. No... you're right.

Go for regular Dwell. I believe in you.

On-on purpose? You ain't break

- your jaw or nothing?
- Nope.

Isn't your husband mad that
you can't open your mouth?

Paul only likes hand jobs.

- But you have a huge mouth!
- Seriously.

- You're like a crocodile.
- When I played field hockey,

they had to melt
two mouth guards together.

This fool Paul know
that if you lose weight,

- that ass gonna shrink, too?
- Mm, Paul isn't an ass man.

Look, why would this prick buy the car
if he ain't even appreciate the features?

My piano teacher growing up had a
craftsman. I used to sit on that bench

and pray, "God, please, let me
have a house like this some day.

Also, let me figure out this piece
of shit 'Maple Leaf Rag.'"

It's one of the hardest rags.

This house really means
something to me, Gretch.

Yeah, buddy. It means
you've worked hard and

- you made it.
- No, it means I'm gonna

get so laid. House like this,
bitches be delivering the pussy.

- "Delivering the pussy"?
- Oh, yeah.

I send out a quick group text.
"Hey, girl?" or "What's crackin?"

or "You want to come see
my new architecturally

significant house?"
Then ding-dong, there it is.

- Okay.
- Piping fresh at your

- door in 30 minutes or less!
- All right.

I get it, though. You know,
dating is scary for women.

Like, what if for once they said,

"No, you come to my house for
it this time," and I didn't come?

- Would you come?
- Hell, no! Look at my house.

These girls are afraid that if
they opened up a pussy dine-in

only joint, no one would come.
Their tables be empty,

have to offer Groupons and shit.
So they keep delivering it.

All right, and I'm out.

Great house, dum-dum.
I'm gonna go back to the office

- and make some calls.
- You do that, bitch.

Hey, and tell Black Dwell my subscription
shows up crazy late every month!

Get a free month or some shit!

- (crowd clapping)
- Some people think

Los Angeles is out of touch.
Too obsessed with the

entertainment industry to
care about national issues.

But with this memorial to our
nation's heroes, carved by our

very own Rumer Willis, we will
demonstrate just how wrong they are.

And now, one of Los Angeles' own
brave servicemen, Edgar Quintero.

Thank you, Councilman Jim Burton.

The process of readjusting
for a soldier is a difficult one.

In war, you exist on a
higher plane of awareness.

But not in a fun, hippie way.
You're aware of a window opening

a block away, a pair of socks
being hung on a laundry line

right behind you.
You're strung tight as a violin.

And when you come home,
that's when shit gets real.

Thank for your service, soldier.

And now, L.A.'s very own Zig Zags!

- Huh?
- (Crowd cheering)

These pricks. They just
trot us out there so

they can feel better about themselves
for a second before

they go back to seeing
us as disposable meat.

(Edgar snorts) Edgar Quintero.

- 6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
- Tommy Boden.

I don't identify by my troop anymore.

It's just Tommy now.

- Oh, let me help you.
- I can do it!

- (sighs) Sorry.
- It's okay. (flicks lighter)

I guess I got to get used
to life without a wing now.

Yeah, man. That's rough.

Hey, listen, some of my
troopmates are going to get

a bite. If you want, you should come;

we'd love to hear your stories.

- (Gretchen whoops)
- Oh, come on!

That is 301 exactly, so you have to go down

on me for five hours and one minute.

In a row? I'll die.

Pussy. All right, three sessions,

- hour and a halfish each.
- That's doable.

- God, day drinking's the best.
- Day drinking is the

best. (laughs) Aren't
we lucky we're both in

professions where we can day drink?

Are you in a profession
where you can day drink?

They all are if you want it bad enough.

What do you say we get one
of those sessions out of

- the way right now?
- That sounds good.

If we leave now, we can probably
be at my place in 30 minutes

- or less.
- Actually, let's go to my place.

You-you... Sorry, your place,

- do you have a place?
- Do you think I just

materialize out of the ether
whenever you want me?

- No...
- That I exist in

some suspended state of
crypto-animation only made

- material when your balls tingle?
- No.

Not literally. I'm used
to seeing you at my house.

- You are in rare form lately.
- What?

Edgar and his army perks.
Killian, whose name who you

constantly forget. Me who
didn't even merit breakfast.

Are you aware that you only want
people in your life on your terms?

- Yes.
- Well, stop.

You're self-awareness on
this means nothing, if you don't

- change it.
- Okay, fine.

- How do I start?
- Well, first step,

Jimmy... I need you to come
eat me out in my apartment.

- (Jimmy scoffs)
- I'll do it.

See?! I am a wanted woman.

- What do you say, buddy?
- Well, I-I-I wouldn't

- want to cockblock this fella.
- Yay!

But all right. Let's go.

Sit down, man.

(Gretchen chuckles) I didn't have
a chance to tidy up. Cute, huh?

- I'm not much of a cleaner.
- You're not much of a

- human.
- Oh, calm down.

I'll be right back.

- (cat meows)
- Whoa.

She never returned you?
(whispering): Do you miss books?

- (mewing)
- (Jimmy gags, coughs)

You want to watch a little TV first?

Okay. Where's the TV?

I watch on my computer.

What do you mean, you
watch on your computer?

You're so old. Here.

(Jimmy grunts)

Well, you're a festive masturbator.

Couldn't find an extension cord.

(loud Middle Eastern dance
music begins playing)

- (sighs): What is that?
- (Groans): It's my neighbor Ladan,

She has the worst taste in music.

(screaming): Turn it down, whore!

(sighs) Shit.

I think I may have
downloaded porn viruses again.

(sighs): Well, you ready
to slice off a piece of this?

- Not really.
- Too bad.

Boys, this is Edgar. Edgar,
this is Bone Bag and

- Martinez.
- Bone Bag.

- Nice to meet you.
- Martinez.

Hey, man. How are you?

- Good.
- Have a seat.

- Thank you.
- And so, talk to us,

tell us what it feels like being home.

Oh, well, you know, it's
a hard adjustment, but I

got some good friends who support me.

It's all you got, right?

- Your brothers.
- Oh, no, I mean civie friends.

I don't really hang with anyone

- from over there.
- They remind you

too much of all the shit that went down?

Nah, mostly, they're just kind of dicks.

So where'd you guys train?
I was at Pendleton.

- Yeah, yeah, same here.
- Bitch, you went to Juilliard.

- I've never heard of that base.
- Here you go, guys.

- Ah, yes.
- My Pilates instructor is gonna be

so pissed at me.

Yeah, at least I go back
to boot camp tomorrow.

Why would you go back to boot camp?

Dude, there's a great one on Melrose.

So, Edgar, why don't you
tell us that story you were

- telling at the dedication?
- Oh, uh, okay, um...

well, you know how when you
get back and it's hard to stop

seeing danger everywhere?
It's like, I used to have these

- dreams about war...
- Hold on, hold on.

Lots of violent stuff.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay.

(Edgar clears throat)

But... now they're the same.
Only the dream is set here at home.

- Does that ever happen to you guys?
- No, I take an Ambien.

Excuse me, we are giant fans.
Could we get your autograph?

- Not now.
- Not even here?

Absolutely.

Thanks. (girl sighs)

- Who are you guys?
- You didn't tell him?

I was just in character. I was
assuming that he knew and

- he was just running with it.
- I'm so sorry, man.

- We're prepping for a movie.
- Uh, it's this

gritty indie flick, we play
soldiers trying to adjust to

- life back home.
- Seriously, you've

never seen NCIS LA? I was
nominated for an ALMA last year.

I'm a quarter Peruvian, I know I

- don't look it, but...
- All right, I'm gonna go.

I am really sorry. We just
want to make this as

real... as possible. For you.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm in. All right, I get it.

- Yeah, I get it.
- It's great!

Now, if you could just sign
this life-rights release thingy...

it-it, but, it-it, it's
typical lawyer bullshit, it's just to

protect you... from suing us.

(people speaking loudly
in foreign language)

(Jimmy sighs)

(Jimmy gasps)

- So, you gonna stick around for a bit or?
- Yeah, of course.

Oh... good... then. So...
we could try to watch TV again.

Except it's not a TV,
is it? It's a computer.

I watch television programs on it,

- so for my purposes, it is a TV.
- Although TVs don't

usually get viruses from downloading
too many gang bang videos.

Consensual group sex is very
different than a gang bang.

- Is it?
- All right, I get it.

My place isn't as nice as yours.

Your place isn't as nice as a crack hovel.

Maybe it isn't perfectly
OCD tidy, or decorated

with stupid posters of dumb art,
or pillows with goddamn whales,

or old-timey maps, but it's still my home.

My phone is covered in goo!

Join the club, phone!

- If you want to go, just go.
- Not unless you want me to go.

Fine. You know what?

I can feel you wanting me
to leave like a scorching flame

emanating from the other side
of the bed, so I'm going to leave.

Don't invent that I want
you to leave just as a

smoke-screen for you wanting to leave.

- Then I'll stay!
- No!

I don't want to be the person who
makes you stay somewhere you

- don't want to be.
- If that's what you want.

(Jimmy clears his throat)

- Fine, just walk away.
- No, you are kicking me out!

Whatever you have to tell yourself.

- So, I should go or...?
- If that's what you want to do.

(Jimmy scoffs)

(Gretchen sighs)

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- They're not home.
- Shoot!

I need to talk to Gretchen.
Can I ask you a question?

- What do you think of my ass? I
- I don't know.

Well, let me see it.

It looks fine to me. I mean,
it's just something you sit on.

It's not like the size of your
ass defines you.

You've never been west of Doheny.
What are you doing out here?

- Waiting for someone.
- Who?

My dealer. I called him, and then I was waiting

and when I thought it was
him pulling up, I suddenly

thought maybe I didn't
want heroin after all.

- Do you want heroin?
- No.

- But mostly yes right now.
- Do you want to come

- with me instead?
- Yeah.

(engine starting)

(loud music plays in car)

Hi.

What you need, fool?

- Thanks.
- You bet.

Sign that, please. And don't
forget to enjoy that pizza.

I am so excited for you.

- And have a beautiful evening.
- Wait a second.

Why the hell are you so happy?

- With what? Like, my job?
- Well, yeah.

- No offense.
- No, none taken.

It's like a really sweet gig for
me. I just drive around, listening

to TED Talks or my jams or whatever,
and if I want to get high,

let's roll. If I don't want
to deliver a pizza, I don't.

I just pull over and eat that shit,
and I tell 'em I got robbed again.

Put that up against your 401K, you know?

So, you don't want to have
your own pizza restaurant?

Oh, my God, that would be awesome.
You want to do that?

- Let's do it.
- Oh, no. No, no, no.

- Give me your number.
- I was just... Never mind.

Oh, yeah, it's probably a lot of work.
Huh? For now, just delivering

happiness really works for
my lifestyle, so... namaste.

Hold still. One more.

- Oh.
- Ah.

Oh. Ah! (Edgar mumbles)

- Ah! Oh, yeah.
- All right, so my point is,

I just don't want to be
some symbol of patriotism.

No kidding. It's depressing.

Whenever they bring one of
those army guys out to sing the

National Anthem, I'm like, "Ugh, no.

- Where's Beyonc�?"
- So, how do I get

- people to treat me normal?
- Stop talking about

it all the time! If you
have a bad thought, just

push it down. Or eat it, like I do.

- Oh.
- I mean, I don't see

- you as just some vet.
- Well, how do you see me?

As a freeloading, kind of dumb Mexican
guy that hangs out at Jimmy's.

- How do you see me?
- Um... as Gretchen's

pretty friend who should
learn to be happy with who she is.

- Here you go.
- Oh!

So, I didn't get a chance
to tell you when you were

here earlier today, but we
have a military discount.

Aw, thanks, but... I'm good.

Psst. Um, yes, of course I'll have

- that discount, thank you.
- Ow! Ow!

- Are you okay?
- Yes. The pain makes

- it even better.
- Did you...?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hold on.

It's the best. Right?

- Aw.
- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

(knocking)

- Hey. Where are you going?
- To come see you.

- I wanted to say, uh, I'm sorry.
- For dissing my apartment?

No. That place is a shithole, but
you're right. I can be a bit...

set in my ways, and I should
have invited you to breakfast.

- Yes.
- And I shouldn't have

- left your apartment.
- Eh. Actually, I'm

- glad you left.
- You are?

Turns out I'm like you. I want
things on my own terms, too.

When I deliver the pussy,
I can leave whenever I want.

Sorry. Deliver the pussy?

It sounds better when a black guy says it.

I am probably broken, Jimmy. I don't know.

My point is, I am done comparing
this to what normal people do.

Good. Why would we even want to do

- what normal people do?
- Yeah.

Normal people are terrible.
So am I coming in, or are we...?

Yeah, come on.

It's nice that the city
unveiled this statue...

but... it isn't enough...

because we hurt inside. Every day
we ache for our fallen brothers.

We ache, yet nobody pays attention!

Well... you're going to pay attention now.

(Tommy yells, people scream)

Hey, that's the guy from NCIS LA!

Oh... No.

- Sync and corrections by Caio and Bray -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by
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