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1
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:25,640
Mr Shakespeare, sir, now that you
are made gentleman, sir,
2
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,280
you are become master
of the Stratford watch, sir.
3
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:32,920
As sergeant of the watch
and convener of the local militia,
4
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,360
I, Sergeant Dogberry, sir,
5
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,640
have the honour of presenting you,
sir, with, sir, your sword, sir.
6
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,320
Oh!
7
00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:46,000
I've got a sword, Mary!
My very own sword!
8
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:51,400
For truth, for justice and for
shoving fair up every bastable
9
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,720
who's ever snooted his cock at us!
10
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,160
Oh, John! I'm so proud!
11
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:01,400
No longer be we pariahs in the town
but instead are posh,
12
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:05,640
and thus can shove it up
whomsoever we please.
13
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,320
Please, sir, are you a real soldier?
14
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,320
Oh, the bravest, lad.
15
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:14,720
I have slain a thousand Turks
in a single day
16
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,480
and faced down the hordes
of Muscovy.
17
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,320
How do you get to be a soldier?
18
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:23,200
By talking complete Bolingbrokes,
apparently.
19
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,440
The recruiting office is always
looking for smart lads, son.
20
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,280
Your Queen needs you.
21
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,680
I want to be a brave soldier,
22
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,360
like Sergeant Dogberry
and all the men at Agincourt
23
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:36,920
in Dad's brilliant new play.
24
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,840
Then you'll need a sword, son.
25
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,480
Can I have a hold of yours?
26
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:41,720
No, it's mine!
27
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:46,960
Bring ale! Bring pie!
Let all rejoice! Father is home.
28
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,200
I wasn't expecting you, love.
Good journey?
29
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,560
Astonishingly, no.
30
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:58,320
I had hoped to pass some of the long
hours of travel in quiet slumber.
31
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,440
Sadly, that small pleasure
was denied me,
32
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,480
our coach driver having been
afflicted
33
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,920
by a verbal version
of the liquid turding malady,
34
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,800
announcing every stop as we
approached,
35
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,840
cataloguing all those yet to come
as we departed,
36
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,600
begging we take care
as we disembarked,
37
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,960
reminding us to collect
our belongings,
38
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,320
assuring us at every juncture
39
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:24,240
that our comfort and safety
were his top priority,
40
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,520
hoping we'd had a good journey.
41
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,720
Eventually, I could stand
it no longer,
42
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,040
and in loud and manly voice
did I declaim,
43
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,080
"Well, I might have a good journey
44
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:38,000
"if you'd cease your fatuous
drivelling and let me sleep!"
45
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,640
Never heard another peep out of him.
46
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,280
Yeah, cos he chucked us off and we
47
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,480
had to walk from
Brightwell-cum-Sotwell.
48
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,120
A moral victory, nonetheless.
49
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,920
Not if you have to carry the bags.
50
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,520
You do not have to carry them,
Botsky. You are paid to carry them.
51
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,640
Anyway, home now
and I'm come in company.
52
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,280
Sweet Kate is with me,
53
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,960
and also the artist
formerly known as Marlowe.
54
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,120
And me! I'm here, too.
55
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,720
You do not get billing, Bottom.
56
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,640
You'll have noticed,
in my histories,
57
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,160
when Norfolk enters,
announcing he's come upon his hour
58
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,240
with Manchester,
Suffolk and Norwich,
59
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,400
adding that East Grinstead and
Billingsgate are expected shortly
60
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,280
with news of Slough,
he does not add,
61
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,760
"Plus the bloke who cooks my pie
and carries all my stuff."
62
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,440
Servants go in the stage directions,
I'm afraid,
63
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:28,120
along with minstrels, courtiers,
letter lords and the army of France.
64
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,160
Sorry, Botsky, but you are an
italic.
65
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,360
I resent that deeply.
I am English born and bred.
66
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,360
Never mind him, Bottom.
Everyone's welcome here.
67
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:43,440
You, too, Kate. And Mr Marlowe, RIP.
68
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,680
Also Messrs Burbage, Condell and
Kempe are come a-visiting.
69
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,240
Good day, Mrs Shakespeare, my lady.
70
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,680
Don't worry, we're not staying.
Just popped in to pay our respects.
71
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,640
Goodness! What's brought you all
to the country at once?
72
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,480
Sweet air, Mrs Shakespeare.
The London fog is foul just now.
73
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,040
So, we have accepted
some rural engagements to escape it.
74
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,200
Good to get out of town,
play to real people, yeah?
75
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,720
And I must write another play,
76
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,800
and the reek in town be so fetid,
it precludes all concentration.
77
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,440
Oysters be in season
78
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:17,560
and lord and man alike do blow wind
and crack their cheeks.
79
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,760
Tush, tush.
80
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,920
Then 'tis pity you have left town,
lady, for so foul be your temper,
81
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,000
it would make even the London air
seem sweet.
82
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,880
Fie, fie, sirrah. A sweet compliment
from a man so sour.
83
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,000
What's got into those two?
84
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,760
Isn't it fascinating that they're
both such proud, witty people
85
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,200
that the close proximity forced upon
them by Marlowe's fake death
86
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,560
has resulted in this endless,
hilarious sparring?
87
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,600
Not very hilarious, love.
88
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,200
Could get a bit irritating, in fact.
89
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,400
Ooh, I don't know, Dad.
90
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:50,280
Two warring wits exchanging
a constant stream of arch puns,
91
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,920
smug put-downs
and tortuously convoluted insults?
92
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,360
Hard to see
how that could ever get irritating.
93
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,920
Yes, didn't you do something similar
with your Shrew, Will,
94
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,960
between Petruchio and Katherine?
95
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,600
Which was very, very irritating.
96
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,600
Got some lovely letters.
97
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,760
From his mum.
98
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,080
Well, we must to the tavern
where we rest tonight,
99
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,000
for tomorrow, we play Birmingham.
100
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,640
Oh, I do love Birmingham.
101
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,400
Such a tiny, sweet,
fragrant little town.
102
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,120
Yes, with a particularly sensible,
103
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,320
efficient and user-friendly
road layout.
104
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,840
Let's hope that never changes.
105
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,360
Well, adieu, all. Adieu.
106
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,120
Well, it's lovely to have you all.
107
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,440
Hamnet, shift your arsington
and get your nose out of that play.
108
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,160
There's chores to be done.
109
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,960
He's reading your Henry V, son.
He loves it!
110
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,440
Him and all London, Mrs S.
Been an absolute megahit.
111
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,800
Tush, tush, sir.
State the obvious, why don't you?
112
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,840
Fie, fie, lady.
And 'tis obvious you are a pain.
113
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,000
- Tush, tush!
- Fie, fie!
114
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,120
I finally got around
to writing my Henry V.
115
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,760
Amazing how many hits
I've had called Henry.
116
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:57,400
Sort of spooky, when you think
of it. Six so far.
117
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,040
I mean, what were the odds?
118
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,680
Add two Richards and a John,
119
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:04,120
which were spin-offs,
and I've kind of...
120
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,160
I've kind of invented a franchise.
121
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,440
The Henry universe.
122
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,840
A fantasy universe, Mr Shakespeare.
123
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:15,040
Xenophobic, fake history
masquerading as truth.
124
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:18,400
Enjoy it while you can, because
I can't see people long suffering
125
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,400
such simplistic
and manipulative distortions
126
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,080
in place of complex,
properly researched argument.
127
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,400
Kind of think they might.
128
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,720
Tush, tush, lady. Someone's
swallowed some very big words.
129
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,400
Fie, fie, sirrah. I wish you would
swallow your tongue.
130
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,760
Tush, tush, lady.
131
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,040
Well, if you'd swallowed yours,
you would have a pain
132
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,680
as well as being a pain, for such a
diet would make anyone sick.
133
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:42,800
Fie, fie, sirrah!
134
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,440
I actually think
I may have to kill myself.
135
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:52,000
"Once more unto the breach,
dear friends, once more
136
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:56,240
"Or close the wall up
with our English dead."
137
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:57,800
I hate that line. It's horrible.
138
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,240
Hate it, my sweet?
139
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,400
Well, he's actually telling his men
to charge into a gap in the wall
140
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,240
and fill it up
with their slaughtered corpses.
141
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,760
I do understand the image, my love.
142
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,440
'Twas I who conjured it.
143
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,600
Well, it's a good job you do, son,
144
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,960
because when it comes to
your images,
145
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,000
you're the only one who does.
146
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,320
Well, that may be the case,
Father, but, weirdly,
147
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,880
I've found that people don't
actually need to understand
148
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,920
my images as they seem perfectly
happy just pretending to.
149
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,200
I can't go. I just cannot go.
150
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,960
I look completely
and utterly crapulous.
151
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,760
What's all this?
152
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,080
Sir Thomas Livesey's
giving a masked ball
153
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,760
for the young people
at the church hall tonight
154
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,760
and every maid and youth
must attend in disguise.
155
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,000
Ooh, it's so romantic.
156
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,440
I met your grandad
at just such a ball, Susanna.
157
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,040
Spotted him across the room.
158
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,840
Oh, a fearsome, ugly gargoyle face!
159
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,360
How was I to know he'd forgotten
his mask?
160
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,320
This was my chance
to go up to Claude,
161
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:00,960
who I really want to get with,
162
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,040
but I just can't now
cos my mask's too stupid.
163
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:08,320
Oh, but it isn't. It's a lovely
mask, Sue. Wonderful.
164
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,480
But perhaps if you let me make
a couple of tiny adjustments...
165
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,000
Sue really likes this boy Claude,
and she's hoping that,
166
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,200
from behind the
anonymity of her mask,
167
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,560
she'll pluck the courage to ask him
if he wants to get with her.
168
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:26,080
But I don't think even the mask will
help, because she's just too shy.
169
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,280
Here, Sue. Is this a bit better?
170
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,360
I mean, it's still mainly your work.
171
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,040
Kate, it is amazing.
172
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,560
You are so elegant and talented.
173
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,720
I bet you'd know how
to ask a boy out.
174
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,640
- Well, here's a thought. Why doesn't she?
- What?
175
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,600
Well, why doesn't Kate go
to the masked ball in your stead
176
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,480
and ask Claude
if he wants to get with her?
177
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,760
Claude would think it was you.
178
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,680
You see?
179
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,600
Absolutely identical.
180
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,960
Will you help me get with Claude,
Kate?
181
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,040
Well, gosh! I don't know.
182
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,960
We are talking about obtaining
sexual favours by deception here.
183
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,240
There are huge issues
of morality and legality.
184
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,640
I mean, if you get with him
having groomed him
185
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:16,920
using my image and personality
profile, it's actually assault.
186
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,280
Blimey, Kate! You're criminalising
half the plays I ever wrote.
187
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:23,640
Just saying.
188
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,520
But you will do it, though?
I mean, you are my mate?
189
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,800
Oh, goodness!
190
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,240
That is true, isn't it?
I am your mate, aren't I?
191
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,640
I've got a girlie mate. Ha!
192
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,800
Take that, Samantha, Ruby,
Deb, Cass, Gertrude, Pat
193
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,720
and all the other bitchingtons.
194
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:45,040
Who's Nelly No-Mates now?
Not me, because I've got one! Ha!
195
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,040
Of course I'll do it, Sue.
196
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,880
Impersonating one another at masked
balls is what mates are for.
197
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,040
There's Claude in the pink doublet.
198
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,800
Ain't he lush,
even with his mask on?
199
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,720
Who's that he's with, Sue?
200
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:14,840
That boy has a strange,
brooding and malevolent presence.
201
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,080
That's Moll John's boy, Donald.
Don John.
202
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,680
He hates to see anyone happy,
203
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,720
so me and Claude copping off
would get right on his tittlingtons.
204
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,600
Well, why does he wish you ill,
daughter?
205
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,280
Oh, it ain't just me.
He's just generally wicked.
206
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,200
Right, here I go.
207
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,080
Where's Sue, then, Margaret?
208
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,840
Oh, she's right lush, I reckon.
I wouldn't mind getting with her.
209
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,520
Why, Claude, do you deny me?
210
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:42,640
I am Susanna, come as promised.
Will you dance a little, sir?
211
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,040
Blimey, Sue! You do sound posh.
212
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,600
It don't half turn me on.
213
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,680
It's working perfectly, Sue.
214
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,280
Claude is clearly besotted
with Kate as you.
215
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,760
And next time, it will be you,
not Kate, with whom he dances.
216
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,160
[LAUGHTER]
217
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,480
Oh, Mum, it worked brilliantly!
218
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,880
Claude loves me
and he wants to get with me.
219
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,200
That's what he said to Kate
when he thought she me.
220
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,400
- Isn't that right, Kate?
- It certainly is.
221
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:19,120
The sweet, lovesick fellow
even so far forgot himself
222
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,040
as to inquire
if he could cop a bit of a feel-up.
223
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:27,000
Which, of course, with maidenly
blushes half hidden behind my mask,
224
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,320
I declined.
225
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,120
Actually, that could have given
you away,
226
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,320
cos I definitely would have let him.
227
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,680
Here's your mask.
A souvenir of your first love.
228
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,200
Tush, tush, madam.
229
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,320
You should wear it still,
for I venture it improves your face,
230
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,040
my dear Lady Disdain.
231
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,440
Is it possible disdain should die
232
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,600
when she hath such meet food
to feed it as Signor Marlowe?
233
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,640
I had rather hear my dog bark
at a crow.
234
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,680
Honestly, Will, you're going to have
to have a word with those two.
235
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,560
Why do they have to be so mean?
236
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,120
Methinks I see the reason, wife.
237
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,920
They're in love,
but do deny it even unto themselves.
238
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,880
In love? But they've been fighting.
They always do.
239
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,280
That's the point.
240
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,280
They be fiery, sparky opposites
241
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,240
ever in denial about
the true nature of their feelings.
242
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,920
All this verbal jousting
is just surrogate rumpy-pumpington.
243
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,800
Well, I wish they'd hurry up
244
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,760
and get to the real
rumpy-pumpington,
245
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,680
because it's getting on my nerves.
246
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,760
They need an intervention.
247
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:26,440
I've sorted out Sue and Claude.
Now I'll sort out Kate and Kit.
248
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,880
Husband, in the past, you said
you were against such a match.
249
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,240
Remember their Italian adventure?
250
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,000
And Marlowe's a shagsome,
bonking rodent...
251
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,280
..who, rumour has it,
252
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,320
prefers his maids with cod-dangles,
if you know what I mean.
253
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,680
'Tis true that,
like the restless pendulum
254
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,760
that marks the steps of Father Time,
Kit swingeth both ways.
255
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,240
But 'tis clear he loves Kate.
256
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,520
The problem is they're both
too proud to make the first move,
257
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,600
thus must I trick each into thinking
that the other doth love.
258
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,320
I shall bide my time.
259
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,520
Tell me more, Kate.
Was I really romantic?
260
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,400
Oh, yes, you were, Sue. So romantic.
261
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,440
And Claude confessed he was
proper gutted when I had to leave.
262
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,680
He made me promise to meet him
at the tavern for the after-ball.
263
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,600
Mum, I'm off to the tavern!
264
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,840
The tavern?! But you be but a maid!
265
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,400
I'm 16.
266
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,240
Juliet got married, consummated it
and killed herself by the time
267
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,760
she was 13.
268
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,840
Yeah, well, let's not dwell on that,
love, because, frankly,
269
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,800
I've always thought your father
making Juliet only 13
270
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,280
was a bit weird.
271
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,160
It was not weird.
272
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:44,080
I must say, it always bothered me
a bit, but I decided to ignore it.
273
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,400
I think that's what people will do -
cast older actresses
274
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,440
and probably cut the line
where it says about
275
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,560
Juliet not having seen her
14th summer,
276
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,880
because it really is a bit weird.
277
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,440
It's not weird.
278
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,280
It's a quite deliberately stylised
image of youth and innocence.
279
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,720
It would be different if Romeo
were a dirty old pervington,
280
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,680
but he's not, obviously.
281
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,000
Why obviously?
282
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,120
As I recall,
you never mention Romeo's age,
283
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,320
although I can't be sure because,
by the middle of Act II,
284
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,400
I was fast asleep.
285
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:21,320
He doesn't. Romeo's age
is never mentioned in the play.
286
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,560
What, so while Juliet
is definitely 13,
287
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,120
Romeo could be, like,
55 and really creepy?
288
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,040
No, he couldn't, Bottom.
289
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,240
When I came up with
Romeo And Juliet...
290
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,680
- Except you didn't come up with it, Mr Shakespeare.
- What?
291
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,200
At first I thought you did,
292
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,520
but then I read The Tragicall
Historye Of Romeus And Juliet,
293
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,840
written two years before you were
born, in 1562, by Arthur Brooke,
294
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,680
which is an almost identical
narrative to yours.
295
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,160
How can you say that?
296
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:52,000
Romeus is spelt completely
differently to Romeo, for a start.
297
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,360
- And there is one other difference.
- You see?
298
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,600
Brooke names Juliet as aged 16.
299
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,680
So, you specifically made her
300
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,960
younger than in your
source material?
301
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,360
Juliet's age was the
only thing you changed?
302
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,280
Now, that really is weird.
303
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,280
It is not weird!
304
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,280
Susanna was 13 when I wrote it
305
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:17,680
and I wanted to doubly emphasise
the nature of the generation gap
306
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,640
to make the innocent purity
ever more heartbreaking.
307
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,320
The point is, I'm blooming 16
and I'm going to the pub!
308
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,280
Kate's done the groundwork.
Now it's time to get stuck in.
309
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,680
And I'll be off on my night watch.
310
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,520
I might look in on you later, Sue.
You can buy me a pint.
311
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,320
Don't you dare talk to me.
I'll be copping off with Claude.
312
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,720
I don't want you spoiling it,
313
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,840
making me look all crappage
and common-like.
314
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,600
Well, now, perhaps after
all these distractions
315
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,720
and silly discussions,
I can get on with my writing.
316
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,000
After all, that is why I came here.
317
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,640
Hamnet, pluck me a quill
from Mistress Clucky's arsington.
318
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,520
'Tis time for another Henry.
319
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,840
[CLUCKING AND FLAPPING]
320
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,800
Is it going to be
full of battles again, Dad?
321
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,240
It certainly is.
322
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,000
If gentlemen in England now abed
323
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,640
think themselves accursed
that they missed Agincourt,
324
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,000
they're going to feel themselves
royally shafted
325
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,520
to have missed all the battles
I'm going to write about
326
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,480
in Henry V, Part II.
327
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,680
Words have consequences, Will.
328
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,080
Young men might die
because of your plays.
329
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,000
Only if they get bored to death.
330
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,000
- Right, I'm off on my night watch.
- My hero!
331
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,640
When I get back,
you might like to polish my weapon.
332
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,800
Oh!
333
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,800
Always happy to oblige a gentleman.
334
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,400
Mr Shakespeare,
the Battle of Agincourt was the peak
335
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,600
of Henry V's military career.
336
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,880
He had no great triumphs after that.
337
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,960
He will now.
338
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,040
Your histories
are not histories at all,
339
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,640
just laughable propaganda
340
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,400
designed to shore up the legitimacy
of the current monarchy.
341
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,000
Duh.
342
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,880
Tush, tush, lady.
343
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,240
If thy face were
as fine as thy speech,
344
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,440
it would be a pretty thing indeed.
345
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,680
Fie, fie, sirrah!
346
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,520
They're at it again
with the love jousting.
347
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,320
I think it's time to bring
them together
348
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,120
so that true love may blossom
and we can all have a bit of peace.
349
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,720
Well, I'm going to smoke a pipe.
350
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,200
I hope you have a tinder, sir,
351
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,640
for you have no spark of wit
to light it.
352
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,200
Tush, tush, lady.
353
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,120
Be it ever unlit,
it's still hotter than you.
354
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,000
Bottom, a word.
355
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,200
You know that Kate and Marlowe have,
of late,
356
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,800
taken to trading verbal blows
on a pretty much continuous basis?
357
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,520
Erm, yeah. It's doing my head in.
358
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,960
They're so sick of each other,
it's painful.
359
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840
No, not surprisingly,
being a servant,
360
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,880
you have stupidly
misread the situation.
361
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,520
This trading of abuse
means not that they hate each other,
362
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,560
but that they love each other.
363
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,240
You're joking me. Why?
364
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,480
'Tis the nature
of the proud heart, Botsky.
365
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,960
But now 'tis time
to bring these two hearts together.
366
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,080
I intend to tell you,
in Marlowe's hearing,
367
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,760
that Kate doth love him.
368
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,960
You just go along
with whate'er I say.
369
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,920
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
370
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,840
Gosh, Botsky!
371
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:03,520
Have you seen the way
our Kate's been ogling Mr Marlowe?
372
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,240
Oh, right. Yeah, absolutely.
373
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,960
And you'd hear her sigh that she
loves him full passionately?
374
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:17,280
Oh, yeah, I did. She sighed
big-time. Massive sighing.
375
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:21,040
Blimey, that's a shocker.
Kate sighs for me?
376
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,440
I thought she hated
my perky white arsington.
377
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,680
It's working. I can hear him
sucking his pipe
378
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,200
with gleeful eagerness.
379
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,720
Now must we serve Kate likewise.
380
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:35,000
Botsky, did you hear
how melancholy Mr Marlowe
381
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,760
was as he sucked his pipe?
382
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,400
So sadly did he suck.
383
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,360
Saddest sucking I ever heard.
384
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,920
He is a really sad sucker.
385
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,960
Then did he whisper soft
the name of his true love.
386
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,080
"Kate! Kate!" he quoth.
387
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:58,000
"I love thee, yet have not the
courage to tell thee."
388
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,240
Blimey, that's a shocker.
I thought he hated me.
389
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,280
Brilliant. Thus emboldened
by the promise of requited passion,
390
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,920
both will declare their love.
391
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,000
Job done. Can't fail.
Love be truly all around.
392
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,920
I feel it in my fingers.
393
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,040
I feel it in my toes.
394
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,320
Make way! Give air! Give air!
Make way!
395
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,520
Sir, what ails her?
396
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,520
Panic not, Mrs Shakespeare.
The maid hath but fainted.
397
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,440
Fainted? But why?
398
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,960
A dreadful confrontation in
the tavern, Mrs Shakespeare.
399
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,400
Susanna was making merry
with a group of young people
400
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,400
when a boy called Claude
did approach
401
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,640
and defame her most vilely,
calling her a tarting-slap.
402
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,320
My Sue, a tarting-slap?
403
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:37,760
Never!
404
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,920
Afraid so, Mrs S.
405
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,040
Seems she was seen
snogging some other bloke
406
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,840
and letting him cop a feel-up.
407
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,480
But I never done it, Mum. I swear!
408
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,920
Fear not, Susanna.
409
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,120
You have been the
victim of a foul plot,
410
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:54,760
which I, as master of the watch,
have uncovered.
411
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,680
Tell them everything you told me.
Omit nothing.
412
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,680
Omitting nothing, sir.
413
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,960
I said, "Hello, Master Shakespeare.
'Tis a bit of a chilly night."
414
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,320
You said, "Blooming chilly,
Master Dogberry.
415
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:10,560
"'Twould freeze the Bolingbrokes
off..."
416
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:15,920
When I said omit nothing,
I meant omit nothing important.
417
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,000
You are...a ass.
418
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:24,040
Permission to object, sir!
Dost thou not suspect my place?
419
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,040
Dost thou not suspect my years?
420
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,000
Suspect? He means respect!
421
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,400
What a hilarious confusion
of language.
422
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,000
I wish I'd written it.
423
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,720
I'm sure, in time, you will.
424
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,680
I was doing my watching.
425
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,680
I was watching here, I was watching
there, I was watching everywhere.
426
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,280
That be my job,
as we be called the watch.
427
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,240
And then you heard something.
428
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,560
I did, sir, which I hope
did not exceed my duties, sir,
429
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,320
being as how we be not called
the listen.
430
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,760
Tell them what you heard.
431
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,960
A very rogue and peasant knave
called Don John, sir,
432
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:06,080
boasting as how he had done a trick
by snogging up the sluttage Margaret
433
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,920
but telling Claude as how he'd been
snogging up the chaste Susanna.
434
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,880
I have him locked up, sir,
435
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,600
and the whole village
will know of his slander.
436
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,240
Thank you. You are dismissed.
437
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,560
Well, we must also take our leave.
Big show tomorrow.
438
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,240
It's so important to bring
arts to the regions.
439
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,360
It's very culturally divisive
440
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,360
that the entertainment industry
is so London-centric.
441
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,320
Yeah. Like, mad culturally divisive.
442
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,680
I agree.
443
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,720
Why should there not be a theatre
or production facility elsewhere?
444
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:40,160
The Lancashire village of Salford,
for example?
445
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,640
Except then we'd all be
horribly inconvenienced
446
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,320
whenever we wanted to work there.
447
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:46,960
Unless we moved, I suppose.
448
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,800
Went to live in the North.
449
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,360
Perhaps best left as it is.
So, we'll see you anon.
450
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,160
- Good e'en. Good e'en.
- Thank you so much, Mr Burbage.
451
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,800
Oh, well done, husband.
Brilliant police work.
452
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,480
A rogue unmasked
and Susanna's name be cleared.
453
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:05,680
And I can get my Claude back.
454
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,480
This Claude must be taught a lesson
before he be welcomed back
455
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,600
into the fold,
and I have a brilliant idea.
456
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,040
Oh, God!
457
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:20,800
We must tell him
that Sue did not faint, but died
458
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,880
of a broken heart.
459
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,520
Then will I, a stern father,
go to Claude and inform him that,
460
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,920
as penance, he must get with
my niece Pru instead.
461
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,400
Then, when Claude
comes here for Pru,
462
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,360
he will find this Pru
all veiled because...
463
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,840
- Bet you can't guess.
- It's me.
464
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,480
Oh, you did guess. Well, yes,
you will reveal yourself as Sue,
465
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,400
Claude will have been
taught his lesson,
466
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,080
you will take him back
and all will be love and joy.
467
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,760
I think you should sleep on it.
468
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,200
Come on, kids.
Judith, you shouldn't still be up.
469
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,760
And Hamnet. Hamnet!
470
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,600
Hamnet! Hamnet!
471
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,160
Hamnet's run away!
472
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,720
Boy missing?
This is a job for the watch.
473
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,200
He's not missing.
I know exactly where he's gone.
474
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,360
It's you and your stupid
blooming play, Will,
475
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,800
exciting the boy about war.
476
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,920
I'll be back.
477
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,520
Well, Master Shakespeare,
you have made your mark
478
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,440
that you will serve your Queen
for seven years.
479
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,280
Yes, sir.
480
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,320
Suspect, lad! Big suspect!
481
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,080
Hamnet, what are you doing here?
482
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,960
I'm going to be a soldier.
I want to die in the breach.
483
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,040
Last time you were in the breach,
it was me nearly died,
484
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,280
and I didn't go through
14 hours of labour
485
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,880
to have you throw your life away.
486
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,840
There's nothing to a battle, lad.
Just takes balls.
487
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,840
And when his have dropped,
I'll let you know.
488
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,200
Oh, Mum!
489
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,000
Don't dis-suspect me, madam.
490
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,520
I have fought with Frederick
in the German forests.
491
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:56,640
I doubt it.
492
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,000
But if you had, you would have seen
what a bear's prepared to do
493
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,040
to defend her young.
494
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,560
I'm mumma bear.
495
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,840
Right. Well, in that case,
run along, lad.
496
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,400
You, exit.
497
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,560
Pursued by bear.
498
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,680
[COCKEREL CROWS]
499
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,160
And if you ever risk your life
again, I'll blooming well kill you.
500
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,000
Such joy!
501
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,360
And look how pretty Susanna is
502
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,760
with Claude coming to collect her
for a gadsome datelington.
503
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,440
So romantic,
504
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,360
even if he does think he's coming
to collect
505
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,360
her fictitious cousin Pru.
506
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,600
It's all working perfectly, Anne.
507
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:43,480
And look-see
how my other romantic plan develops.
508
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:47,000
Kit and Kate do exchange shy glances
and winsome sighs.
509
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,320
Both seeking ways
of declaring their affection.
510
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:56,400
Soon, the bantering will be replaced
with sweet words of love.
511
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,640
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
512
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,520
Hello, Claude.
513
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,600
Hello, Mrs Shakespeare.
Hello, Mr Shakespeare.
514
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,640
Sorry about slagging off your Sue
515
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,760
and causing her to die
of shame and sadness, like.
516
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,880
Well, I'm surprised
you've got the Bolingbrokes
517
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,680
to show your face around here
at all.
518
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,720
Well, Mr Shakespeare said
I had to cop off with his niece Pru.
519
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,320
You, in.
520
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,920
And now will Sue reveal herself,
she and Claude will dance merrily,
521
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,720
Kit will reveal his love to Kate,
she to him,
522
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,440
and all will be love,
sweetness and light.
523
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,480
Pru, I'm Claude.
524
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,800
I've come to get with you
instead of dead Sue.
525
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,400
Hello, Claude.
526
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,840
Oh, my God. You're alive.
527
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,760
I can't believe it!
528
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,360
And you look really lush and all.
Can I get with you?
529
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,960
Come here!
530
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,680
Lovely. He'll be down on one knee
before you know it.
531
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,920
Or both knees, Dad.
532
00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,560
[CLAUDE GROANS]
533
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,840
First, you call me a sluttage
in front of the whole town,
534
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,800
and now, with me only dead a day,
you want to cop off
535
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,000
with my fictitious cousin Pru!
536
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,600
I hate you, Claude. I thought I
loved you, but I hate you.
537
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,080
So, go and cop a feel off Margaret,
if she'll have you.
538
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,640
You're all blooming bonkers!
539
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,600
Plan going well so far, master?
540
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:28,960
Well, I admit that bit
didn't quite go as I imagined,
541
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,960
but love is still in the air.
542
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,880
- Kate?
- Yes, Mr Marlowe?
543
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:41,040
Thing is, I know.
544
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,200
I know, too, Mr Marlowe.
I overheard Mr Shakespeare.
545
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:48,320
Same, and what I'm trying to say is,
while I think you're very nice...
546
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,760
- I don't even think you're very nice.
- What?
547
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:57,360
I know you love me,
but I truly, deeply do not love you.
548
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,280
Hang on, I don't love you.
549
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,960
- Will said...
- But Mr Shakespeare...
550
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,120
Plan still going well,
is it, master?
551
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:12,080
But if you don't secretly
love each other,
552
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,680
why have you been trading
arch and impish insults
553
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,400
these many weeks?
554
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,800
Erm, because
we're really sick of each other.
555
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,640
Deeply irritated.
556
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:24,240
So, not to disguise
a secret love at all, then?
557
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,720
In what universe does
exchanging insults indicate
558
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,920
secret love, Mr Shakespeare?
559
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,560
Only in his tortuous
and convoluted one, dear.
560
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,440
It's why he's a genius.
561
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,640
I shan't write Henry V, Part II.
562
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,320
Having seen the way we nearly lost
our beloved Hamnet to be a soldier,
563
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,760
I have no stomach for plays
that speak of war and glory.
564
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,400
To be honest, I think
I'm pretty much done with histories.
565
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,640
I mean, if nothing else,
I'm almost out of Henrys.
566
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,120
Then what will you write, love?
567
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,360
Well, how about another
romantic comedy?
568
00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:05,200
Well, people do love them.
But what plot will you use?
569
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,320
Why, the one that's been happening
all around us.
570
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,800
I shall use it all
just exactly as it happened,
571
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,400
right here in this house.
572
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,440
And at the end, will you have the
two bickering lovers
573
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,160
being revealed as actually being
genuinely sick of each other,
574
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,240
and the veiled girl knee her
ex-boyfriend in the scroting sack?
575
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,720
No, of course not.
They'll all get married, obviously.
576
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,280
[CHUCKLES]
You're the genius, love,
577
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,120
but it don't sound like
much of a play to me.
578
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:33,160
More like a load
of convoluted old Bolingbrokes.
579
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,880
Just much ado about nothing, really.
580
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,360
Boom! There's the title right there
-
581
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:41,440
A Load Of Convoluted Old
Bolingbrokes.
582
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:43,400
I feel another hit coming on.
583
00:28:43,450 --> 00:28:48,000
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