All language subtitles for Undateable s02e09e10 An Angry Judge Walks Into a Bar

Thanks for washing my hair
this morning, shower buddy.

Ooh. My pleasure.

Maybe next time I'll get
in the shower with you.

Well, if you don't, I will.

And I know what to do
with a naked black woman.

Respectfully.

Man, I got to hear these
two hooking up every night.

It's mostly Justin just saying,
"I'll do better next time."

Just relax.

Also, I meant what I said...
I'll do better next time.

Let's go.

I forgot how much I hate
"relationship Justin."

I don't like seeing Justin
with another woman, either.

Go ahead... tell them.

Um...

I have a huge crush on Justin.

All right, look... somebody
needs to help Candace right now.

She doesn't know what "huge"
and "crush" or "Justin" means.

Oh. My neck is killing me right now.

Do you know what it might be?

[ Grunts ] This arrow
that cupid shot into me.

It's really cool that you
and Lauren are clicking.

I mean, she's everything you're not...

She's confident, sexy, she has a chin.

Danny, it's okay.

You'll find someone someday.

Lauren and I haven't even been
together two weeks, all right?

But it's exciting. She's
fun, she's creative...

But I understand that it
pisses you off when I'm happy.

So, for you, I'll try to tone it...

Ow, cupid!

What is wrong with you?
You're crazy. [ Chuckles ]

Could you throw this arrow
away for me, Candace? Thank you.

He's the sexiest guy I've ever seen.

Hey, Candace, can I borrow
that arrow there for a second?

Yeah. Thank you.

[ Imitating Japanese ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Imitating Japanese continues ]

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Honey, you forgot your phone.

Thanks, dad.

All right. See you later.

Bye.

Whoa. Was that papa bear?

Was that the
notorious D-A-D?

Oh, are we doing rapper dad names?

Snoop daddy dad.

Will.i.am your father.

I'm sorry, this happens.

I mean, one day, we
did hip-hop candy bars.

It went on for days.

Luda-twix.

don't.

Listen, why didn't you
introduce me to your father?

It's not you. Okay?

My dad's a judge, so
he's kind of intimidating.

Your dad's a judge, huh?

Well, permission to approach the bench.

I want him at dinner
tonight, 7:00 P.M., my place.

Tonight? Mm.

- Fine. Dinner tonight. I'll go tell him.
- All right.

Dude, you're so annoying.

You've been dating her for two weeks.

Why do you just got to move so fast?

Brett: In college, we called
him "Lord of the Rings,"

because he gave a promise ring

to any hideous, hairy-footed
hobbit that said yes to dinner.

Whatever, all right?
Lauren's dad's gonna love me.

Interesting fact... every
girl I've ever dated's father

still stays in touch with me.

Uh, hey, yeah, Guinness
Book of World Records?

Uh, yeah, I have the most
boring fact of all time for you.

Yeah, it's the same guy.

You want to talk smack, Danny?
Let me tell you something.

I might not always know
how to please a woman,

but I do know how to please a father.

That makes two of us.

Let me ask you this question...

Has any girlfriend's father ever liked you?

In high school, Stacey
Cooper's dad loved me.

Took me on a family trip to Mexico.

And then left you there.

Okay. Silver lining...

It really helped me
ace senior-year Spanish,

or should I say se?or year Spanish.

Listen to me. I got all the
tools to make a dad love me.

It's like, what do I have in here?

What's that? Oh!

That's a firm handshake.
"Nice to meet you, sir."

"Oh, nice grip you got there, son.

Feel free to bang my daughter."

Hey, Candace, I need you.

I need you, too.

What?

Oh! No, no, no.

I-i-i mean, I need you
to tell me what you want.

Or... or don't. You don't
need to tell me what you want.

You know those old couples that
can just sit there in silence

and not say anything?

Anyway...

Yeah, I just...

Wanted you to bring this
beer to Shelly, if you could.

You keep it real, Shaquille.

Was it just me or was that
incredibly embarrassing?

Oh...

Yes.

Look, I think you and Justin
are perfect for each other.

You're both so sweet and adorably naive.

Yeah, it's true. They both gave me 20 bucks

to sponsor me for that
iron man triathlon for charity.

Oh, yeah, that's right. How did that go?

I won.

Yeah, well, he's dating Lauren, so...

It's not serious yet.
Justin does move fast.

Candace, life is full of windows.

If you really care about someone,

you have to let them know how
you feel before it's too late.

I love you.

Guys, you saw me with Justin...

I'm horrible at letting
a guy know I'm interested.

Just throw him some vibe.

Pay him a compliment in a sexy voice.

I don't know how to do that.

Just talk... [Deep voice] Low and slow.

You guys know, like, a
good flower for dinner?

[ Deep voice ] I love your pants.

T-minus two hours until
dinner with Lauren's dad,

which means t-minus 2 hours and 20 minutes

until he starts calling me "son."

Followed by "of a bitch."

Look, this is really complicated, man.

I know you think you're the
dad whisperer here, okay,

but, uh, I don't know, man.

I don't think you're ready
for this culture clash.

- You're gonna crash and burn.
- Why? Because I'm white?

Can't we live in a world without color?

Yeah, I don't think you're
gonna solve racism before dinner.

Danny's right. Culture clash is real.

My boyfriend, Mike, is Latino, and
the first thing his mom said to me

is that my hips were too
narrow to have his babies.

- What'd you say?
- Gracias.

The first white girl I ever dated,

told me a whole bunch of
crazy white-girl stuff.

Like yoga, recycling...

That's about it.

Yeah, you know, when
there's a cultural clash,

you just got to roll with it,
whether it's language, food,

- sense of humor...
- Oh, yeah. Humor's a big one.

I dated an Asian girl once and she laughed
like she had a secret, like...

[ Giggling ]

Oh, uh, and then I dated a black girl,

and her dad laughed crazy, man.

Black dudes are the best laughers,

'cause they don't just
laugh; They relocate.

You know, you'll tell a joke,

and then they'll be like, "ohhhhhhhhh!"

Uh, I actually made her dad laugh so hard

that, one time, he drove to Las Vegas.

I think it's cute that you want to help me,

but I'm gonna tell you the same thing

I told the girl I lost my virginity to...

I really think
I know how this works.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna go bake my famous muffins.

Still have to pick up some
of the secret ingredients

that make them oh, so sweet.

So I'm gonna go grab Lauren,

and then I'm gonna get
myself a little brown sugar.

I'll worry about her dad later.

Oh. Hello, sir.

My daughter left her phone.

Here... here you go.

Um, it's so nice to finally meet you.

I-i... I'm looking forward to
tonight. [ Chuckles softly ]

Maybe you should
learn a little respect.

Sure thing.

What was that about?

Let's play a game where you review

what you just said to him,
and I'll watch your reaction.

Famous muffins.

Uh...

Get me a little brown sugar.

Oh, no. Oh, my God, no.

Moment of truth. Wish
me luck at dinner, guys.

[ Plucks chord ]

Oh. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just working on
a song for a guy I like.

Oh. Can I hear it?

Okay.

Um...

It's catchy.

Well, who's it for?

I mean, do we know this
guy? What's he like?

He's a giant idiot.

Um, he owns a bar and is
very sexually inexperienced.

What's the song called?

Well, right now, the song is called

"I'd like you even if my dad didn't

because I would never care what he thought

because you're so awesome."

It's wordy.

But I like it.

My dad'll be here soon,

so I should get this out of my system.

Aww.

[ Mock vomits ]

Now, you both are probably wondering

what the theme of
tonight's dinner party is.

Is it "sentences I've
never heard a male say"?

No. It's "togetherness."

For example, I'm making some
marble-cake muffins for dessert.

They're equal parts vanilla
and chocolate, like us.

You made biracial muffins?

[ Knock on door ]

Hi, boys!

Shelly, what are you doing here?

Danny invited me. He
said there'd be dinner.

Plus, her dad's a judge, and
I'm not gonna miss the chance

to see the justice system
screw over a white guy.

What the hell are you doing?
You know how this is gonna look?

What are you talking about?

Well, Justin, you invited
your one black friend over

to show me that you're
"down with the homies."

Oh. Now I see it.

Dad, Shelly's only here because of Danny.

Danny: Really, Phil.

Uh, I'm the one who invited Shelly, okay?

Justin doesn't even like
black people in the house.

Danny!

He's kidding. Just calm down, son.

Sir, Justin is one of my best friends,

and I can assure you, he
is as kind as he is white.

No one's that kind,
but I'll take your word for it.

And, sir, I promise you...
I'll never put the words

"brown" and "sugar" together again.

Yeah, he'll probably
just say "sugar of color."

[ Laughs ]

Did you guys see that?

He just relocated.

I did what, now?

N-nothing. It's just, I
heard that, you know, when...

[Chuckles awkwardly] When black
people laugh, they relocate.

Who would say that? That's insane.

You know what? I'm... I'm
fine with that, though.

You can... I mean, you can
relocate wherever you want.

I'm for it. Not that I'm
for relocation of... okay.

What I mean is, you can live wherever
you want. You can be whoever you...

In any neighborhood you live
your life, you do as you please.

I'm not saying... listen, you
could live here. I don't care.

Come on in, you know? You can live
here... not that you would.

You're a judge. You
probably make a lot of money.

I mean, I hope you do. I mean, I preach...

Not that I preach. Not that
there's anything wrong with...

You know what? Who wants a drink?

You seem like a scotch man.

I've been sober for 25 years.

Outstanding. One day at a time.

How did you two end up together, anyway?

He swept me off my feet.

Uh, you know, it was actually
partly Shelly's fault.

About a week ago, he hooked
up with a pretty white girl.

Shelly: Racial karma.

I take one of theirs, and they
take one of ours in return.

Hey, guess who found a ginger ale.

Thanks, Justin. I... love ginger ale.

Awesome. Okay. Uh, sir, let me just say,

I know I've only been dating your daughter

for a couple of weeks,

but I already know how special she is,

and I'm gonna do everything
I can to treat her right.

Ah, this is getting
boring. I'm-a take off.

I was actually thinking, you know,

this morning, when she woke up here,

I looked her in the eyes and said,

"how can I make your
dreams come true today?"

Mm-hmm. Yeah, why would
she wake up here?

Well, maybe I'll stick around.

Dad, i-i-i just came
over for breakfast.

Breakfast. She did. That's
exactly what she did.

She came over for breakfast,
and then she got tired.

She took a nap. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

So it was one of those breakfast naps.

Yes. Breakfast nap. [ Chuckles
awkwardly ] Yeah. Breakfast nap.

Yeah, he... he knows that
that's not a thing.

You like naps, Justin?

You and my daughter are done.

[ Timer dings ]

Oh, your biracial muffins are ready.

Guys, Justin's not picking
up on any of my hints.

Yeah, subtle hints has
never been Justin's thing.

That's why it was so easy for me
to stay in the closet in college.

You know, one time, he walked in
on me in a compromising position

with the captain of the swim team.

And I panicked, so I said,

"oh, the guy's giving me
a testicular-cancer check."

And then Justin was so freaked
out, he had him check him next.

All right, the time for hints is over.

Okay, you have to tell Justin how you feel.

Well, I did finish the
song I was working on.

I could play that for him.

- Do you guys want to hear it?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Some dumb girl song is not
gonna pull on his heartstrings.

Well?

[ Voice breaking ] That could
work. I don't... that's good.

Hey, buddy, how are you?
What can I do to help?

I don't know. You have a time machine

so I can go back and not
invite Lauren's dad to dinner?

That's what you'd
do with a time machine?

If I had one, I'd go back and write "juicy"

on a pair of old sweat
pants, and I'd be rich.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office,

doing what I usually do when I'm sad...

Hitting up Old Navy online
and making some bad decisions.

Wow. He's so crushed.

On the other hand, song time.

[ Ukulele strumming ]

Hey. [ Strumming stops ]

Is Justin around? I
just came to say goodbye.

All: Bye.

You know what? Another
thing you should know

is I have a very specific face blindness

when it comes to
ex-girlfriends of my buddies,

so I'll be forgetting who
you are in three, two, one.

Hey, how are you? You come here often?

I know you guys are just
sticking up for Justin,

but my dad raised me himself.

I don't really have a choice.

No, you do, actually.

Lauren, who cares what your dad thinks?

A friend of mine told me,

when it comes to love, you
have your windows in life,

and you got to take advantage
of them while they're there.

I'm telling you this because
I care about Justin... a lot.

So... this is your window.

You just got to decide if he's worth it.

Look, does anybody want cargo shorts?

They're on sale, two for one.

Lauren, why... why are you here?

Make the call.

Hey, Guinness Book of World Records?

Yeah, I've got the saddest girl ever.

Yeah. Same guy.

This is hard to watch.

And I sat through "50 Shades of Grey"
with my mom.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard to watch

the person you like kiss someone else.

Yeah, it sucks.

But I did teach Mo a new trick.

Mo, go stop kiss. Go stop kiss!

Oh! Mo! Mo, oh. Get this dog off, please.

- Please! Humping, humping.
- Mo! Oh, bad dog.

Bad dog, Mo.

Here's a treat.

You can give me a treat,
and I'll happily bite Justin

every time he kisses a black girl.

Can we just promise not to be nice to her?

I got your back.

See you guys when I get back from Oregon.

Hey, Les, they make great wine.

Do you want me to bring
you a case of Pinot?

[ Nastily ] Yes! You're
a lovely person. Thanks.

Well, since I live here and work here,

I get to see Justin all over
her 24/7... So fun.

You know what I was just thinking about?

When you combine "Lauren" and
"Justin," you get "Lustin'."

Well, do you know what we
were just thinking about?

When you combine "Candace" and "Justin,"

you get "jundace." [Jaundice]

Thank God we're not together,

because that is a deadly liver condition.

Okay, you guys, the
craziest thing just happened.

I was just minding my own business,

doing my morning ritual,

air-drying my hair by shaking
my head like this. Okay?

You know how I do it, all right?

Then I heard gunshots. You
want to know what I did?

Well, since you're a white man,

I assume you walked towards them?

Confident that you'd be
protected by your whiteness.

Then I see this bad guy...
Okay?... and he's got a gun.

And I don't even think. I just,
like, don't even process it.

I just kick, right? I did two swift kicks.

I hit him right in the
neck, like right there,

and then I heard the director yell "cut,"

and I realize I just
throat-kicked Liam Neeson.

Yeah, I heard they were making
an action movie downtown.

And thanks to my natural charisma

and precision
ka-Ra-Te...

You're now looking at
Liam Neeson's new co-star.

My name's "Cop Number Four."

My line is, "That's how we... "
That's how we do it.

That's how we do it. That's how we do it.

"That's how we do it in the J-Squad!"

Cool. What's the movie called?

The movie's called "K-Squad."

Everybody in J-Squad gets
killed in the first 10 minutes.

Is there a part in there
for me, maybe, in this movie?

There might be a part for
you if the J-Squad starts attacking

all the adults who still shop at Old Navy.

Guys! So, you know how it's super hard

for me to be around Justin all the time?

Well, I've decided to get my own
place, and I have a great plan.

I'm gonna win a house in a contest.

Did somebody just say "contest"?

You know, if it's a singing contest,

the two of us would be...

Together:
unstoppable

No, Justin!

Justin, I'm not gonna harmonize with you

while your girlfriend's away...
I'm not that kind of girl!

How exactly does somebody "win" a house?

Well, the city is fixing up
some abandoned neighborhoods.

To help market Detroit, I convinced them

to give a house away. It's super-simple.

You basically have to stand
outside and touch the house,

and then the last person
left standing wins.

It's a good story for
Detroit. I hope it'll go viral.

If you want something to
spread virally, I'm your man.

You should put a condom on your mouth.

Candace, I like you living upstairs.

You don't have to move out.

Sheesh, Justin,

toss that thing in reverse
and back off a little bit.

Beep... beep... Beep... beep... beep...

Ow! Beep... beep...

Why does it feel like she's
throwing me a lot of shade?

Is she mad at me?

I don't know, man. Maybe
she just wants some space.

Why don't you just chill?

Chill?

Danny, you chill white
wine, you chill seviche.

Occasionally, you chill with the homies.

Isn't that right, Shell?

- It's been way too long, son. Way too long.
- Yeah.

- Who's that guy?
- Some guy named Damon

from, uh, Brett's hometown in the U.K.

Do you ever notice that when
British people are around each other,

they sound even more British?

Yeah, I'd give him an
old-school crash-bang-boosh,

and I'm going, "shut
up! You mugging me up?!"

Bish bash bosh. Crash bang!

Wallop, son?!

That was gibberish. We heard you.

Don't worry, mate.

You will meet that lucky lady, son.

- All right, mate.
- All right, son.

[ Speaking indistinctly ] All right.

Justin: Okay, quick question...

Does he know that you're
not looking for a lucky lady

unless she's standing next
to Benedict Cumberbatch?

Look, no one from my
hometown knows I'm gay, okay?

And I only came out last year.

And I left that place when I was 18.

If you're not out to everyone,
I mean, you're not out.

Why does it matter? I'm not
going back to Finchingfield.

And Damon's the first person I've seen

since I left my hometown. It's just...

It is what it is, okay?

Great house, Les. It's
a great neighborhood.

People come here to buy
weed now instead of crack.

Hi, boys.

Just out running my errands.

Got some eggs and weed.

He's making his favorite omelet.

Guys, thank you so much
for coming to cheer me on.

Of course. I'm gonna do
the cheer I do every night

at the retirement home...

"Be alive! Be... be alive!"

Oh, um, Justin, you
really don't need to stay.

I know you're probably busy
at the bar and everything.

Friendship's a full-time job,

and I clocked in the second we met.

See, I'm kind of like Spanx.

I'm there to support
you wherever you need it.

Yay...

Hey, man, um...

We already talked about
this... You have to stop

comparing yourself to female undergarments.

Danny, I can't help it
if I'm the underwire bra

that keeps this group perky and alert.

Hey, dumb-dumb. Come
to watch me win a house?

Trent? Ugh!

Oh, God, it's her loser ex-boyfriend.

If I enter the contest, I
could save Candace from Trent.

In the amount of time we'll spend together,

I'll find out why she's being weird.

[ Chuckles ] I'm joining.

Oh, this is a disaster.

The only reason she's doing all this
is to get away from Justin.

Yeah. It sucks.

Well, I'm gonna run.

I think I hear an ice-cream truck coming.

Good news, Candace... Got the last spot.

Looks like we're gonna
ride this out together.

Help me.

Oh, come on, Danny.

You're her friend. She looks up to you.

Come on, Cop Number Four!

Is this how they do it in J-Squad?

No. Sounds more like K-Squad.

What the hell are you doing?

Getting in the game.

Everyone, hands on the house now!

[ Air horn blares ] Danny!

Thank you.

No problem, Candace.

Don't worry, Danny. We're here for you.

Well, this got boring fast.

Yo, girl, you know you'll want me back,

once I'm a homeowner.

I don't want to talk to you, Trent.

God... Yeah, dude.

Back up, discount Ashton Kutcher.

Why don't you back
up, dollar-store Keanu Reeves?

Yo, dude, are we gonna go right now?

'Cause I got to warn you,

I've played a lot of "Street Fighter II."

Round 1... fight!

Hadouken! Hadouken! Sonic boom!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

You're built like an ostrich, man. Respect.

Thanks, Danny. I'm really
glad you're here with me.

I'm proud of you, baby bro.

Uh-oh. Incoming.

What the hell, Danny?
This contest was my chance

to figure out what's going
on with me and Candace.

I have to talk to her.

All right, trust me, man...
With this sort of thing, dude,

it's best to just let it be.

"This sort of thing"?

You know what's going on. Tell me.

Hey, man, I don't want to get
in the middle of you two, okay?

Plus, I wasn't gonna tell you anyway, and
now that I know you want me to tell you,

it's gonna be so much more
fun not telling you.

Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Danny.

'Cause you will tell me.

And you want to know why?
Because you're trapped here.

And you know how you hate it

when I pronounce foreign
words in their native tongue?

Well, guess what I brought
Candace for breakfast.

A croissant.

Come on, man. We're in
America. You call it "krissont."

Cut it out right now!

Barcelona.

Okay, I'll tell you
why she's so mad at you.

It's because, um...

You missed her birthday.

Wait, and you knew?

Well, what did you get her?

A l-laptop... s.

You didn't even get me
anything for my birthday.

Yes, I did. Remember last
week when I was eating pizza

and you said, "are you
gonna finish that crust?"

And I said, "no, you can have it,"
and then you said, "thank you"?

Yeah.

Happy Birthday.

Before I go pick up a
birthday gift for Candace,

the three of us were
talking and we all agree...

You got to fix this
thing with your hometown.

You got to let people know who you are.

You're just a really special
guy who likes to drive stick.

[ Chuckles ]

All right, stop helping.

I know facing your past can be a burden.

[ Sighs ] I don't know if I
ever told you guys this, but...

For about three dark months, I...

Well, I danced with an
addiction of... Claritin.

I mean, my sinuses were clear,
but my conscience was not.

Why can't you guys just let this go?

At my retirement home,

I've been with a lot of
people in their last days,

and I found out that the worst thing

is having regrets that
you haven't dealt with.

Like, Mrs. Bosma, can you
tell him what you told me?

I'm the one who killed...

Tupac.

Tupac was her family dog.

Was he killed in a drive-by, too?

Yeah, well, technically a drive-over.

Look, what I'm hoping
Shelly's trying to say is,

you need to fix this
thing before it's too late.

I mean, remember when you came out to us?

Remember all the tears?

You were very emotional.

I know. 'Cause I was happy for you.

And you want to know
why? Because you told me

that you thought you couldn't
really start your life

until everyone knew the real you.

Look, there's nothing that I'd like more

than to be 17 and back in Finchingfield.

Only this time, I wouldn't feel so scared

and I wouldn't feel like an outsider.

I'd march proudly up to
anyone in that tiny little town

and tell them that I was gay.

But that ship has sailed.

Damon's gone, and I don't
know anyone else in that town,

let alone how to contact them, so...

There's just some regrets
you have to live with.

Okay?

She really have a dog named Tupac?

Yeah. And you don't want to know

what she did to
the notorious c-a-t.

That's how we do things in the J-Squad.

That's how we do
things in the J-Squad!

What the heck is he doing?

Waiting for the beat to drop.

Uh, Danny told me I forgot your birthday.

I feel horrible.

So I got you a gift.

Oh, my gosh.

Laptop cases?

For both your laptops.

Look, I'm so sorry that
I forgot your birthday.

You're too special for me
to let you down like that.

All right, well, I'll
put this back for you.

Hold out your wrist. There you go.

[ Chuckles ]

Thanks.

Look, don't make a big deal out of this...

I got you two pretend laptops.

But if you play your cards right,

I'll also get you an imaginary printer.

Justin is so amazing.

The only birthday present
I ever got from Trent

was a street sign he
stole from "Boner Drive."

Look, Candace, I really need you...

[ Laughs ] "Boner Drive."

I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told Justin, okay?

I don't want to get in
the middle of you two.

Justin is just so...

He's... he's probably the
kindest person I've ever met.

Except for my grandpa, and
he loved my grandma so much.

Aww. That's fascinating.

I hope you're going to
tell me more about it.

He would always open
the door for my grandma.

He would rush ahead

and make sure that he was
there to open it for her.

And that's all that I've ever wanted...

Just a nice, sweet guy who
would open the door for me,

and I feel like I've been
searching for that my entire life.

Candace, this is torture for me, okay?

I-i can't hear you talk about
love or romance or Justin anymore.

You know the thing that I love
about my romance with Justin

is that... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been listening to you talk about
Justin for the past few days now, okay?

And... and I've even heard your
opinions on what you thought

he looked like without his shirt on,
which is, by the way, way off, okay?

He looks more like E.T. At the end
of the movie when he's all sick.

This is your last warning.

Justin's way more attractive than you.

[ Gasps ]

Oh ho! Laters, dumb-dumb!

Happy Birthday.

Why did you do that? Now I'm out.

I know what I did was wrong.

So, in solidarity, I'm going to leave
this contest with you.

No way. Because this isn't just
about me getting away from Justin.

This was supposed to
be a fresh start for me.

I'm gonna warn you...
If you don't at least try

to win this house for
me, then you're gonna pay.

Candace, uh, not to be
disrespectful or anything,

but this is exactly like
being threatened by a cupcake.

Danny, I grew up homeless in Detroit, okay?

I'm a lot tougher than
you think. I fight dirty.

So if you want to bail on me now,

I could always just dress younger

and tell all the attractive
woman that you try to hit on

that I'm your daughter.
You wouldn't do that.

[ As a teenager ] Oh,
my God! I totally would!

Dad! Oh, stop, embarrassing me.

It's so weird. You don't look 40.

I'm not 40!

I'm not 40.

[ Normal voice ] Mark my words, bitch.

If you don't come through for me on this,

the only thing you're gonna be banging

is your head against the wall.

I guess I could stay.

That's how we do it in the J-Squad.

Brett, sit down.

Come here. Listen...

Nobody should ever have
to live in regret, buddy.

Okay. What's going on?

Well, we got ahold of your old pal, Damon,

and he spent the past few days getting all
your friends together from Finchingfield.

Burski: We got everyone we could find,

and we crammed them into the local pub.

So, Brett, say hello to your hometown.

All: Brett!

[ Indistinct shouting
] Man: Hey!

Oh, hi, everyone!

You guys did this for me?

Go on there, mate. We're all here.
What's this big news, then, son?

Um, well, I know that a lot of you think

that you know me really well,

but, uh, there's just one part
of me that you didn't know.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I am a gay man.

Is it fun?

Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, sometimes.

So does this mean that
our pact to get married

if we're both still single
when we're 40 is null and void?

Um, yeah. 'Fraid so, love.

But check in again when you're 50.

You're cute. Are you single?

Oh. Oh, who said that?
Is that... is that Roger?

N-no, it was me.

Oh. Hi, Dan.

Guys, this is great. Thank you.

Wallop!

Wallop. Wallop!

All: Wallop!

[ Laughs ]

Candace: Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe this has
gone on for another day.

Okay. I know you originally stayed

because of my whole
"Crazy Candace" act, but...

It wasn't an act. I truly
saw the evil inside you, but go on.

Thanks, Danny. Okay. I
got to go take care of Mo.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Oh. Look at you being selfless.

To think you're the same punk kid

who got a credit card in my
name when you were in 8th grade.

Whatever. I only used it for emergencies.

You used it last week at Subway.

I was starving!

P.S. You're welcome for all
the miles that I earned you.

You know what? I'm so
proud of you right now

that there's nothing that you
could say that could ruin it.

Cool, cool.

So, um... Candace will have other chances

to win houses in contests, right?

Because I have to go
shoot my action-movie scene

in like 15 minutes.

Are you serious?

Sorry, but you know how the saying goes.

That's how we do things in the J-Squad.

- You're better than this.
- Ugh!

Actually, you're not,
but you could be.

Come on. Now you're starting
to sound like Justin, all right?

Although he would probably turn this house

into a metaphor for who I am as a person.

This house represents the best of you.

[ Head thumps ]

It's broken on the outside

but warm and full of
potential on the inside.

Thanks, Les. You've really
given me something to think about

while I'm driving to the movie set.

Fine. Do what you want.

But don't take that hand off of this house

until you ask yourself this...

Do you want to just
play a hero in a movie,

or do you want to
be a hero in real life?

Burski: So, Danny missed out

on being in a Liam Neeson movie for this?

Ugh. Who cares? That guy is old as hell.

The next "Taken" movie better
be about him takin' a nap.

You're old and tired, man.
I could do this all month.

Face it, brah, you're too weak!

Man, dude. I am... I'm exhausted.

You know, I-I-I miss my bed,
I miss taking a shower...

I miss clapping.

Seriously. I've had to teach myself this.

[ Light smacking ]

Candace, I'm sorry. I
can't do this anymore.

Trent, you're right. Uh...
Trent's better than me.

Danny, what are you doing?

You win, Trent. Whoo!

Started from the bottom. Now we're house!

Later, dumb-dumb.

Hashtag Blessed.

Hey, man, uh, you know,

you probably shouldn't
call her dumb-dumb anymore

because you just lost a house, dumb-dumb.

[ Cheers ]

Uh, what's happening
right now? What's going on?

That's how we do it in the J-Squad!

Thank you so much. I don't
know how I could ever repay you.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe with money because you
just got a house for free.

Hey, Shell, Bursk, can
you guys, uh, carry me

for the rest of the day? I'm exhausted.

That's how... that's how
we do things in the J-Squad.

I am proud to present you
with the keys to your new home!

[ Both laugh ]

This is the best day ever!

Look, I'm gonna miss
having you around the bar,

that's for sure, but, uh...

Quite a birthday, right, you know?

Two laptops and a house.

No one deserves it as much as you.

Go check out your new house.

Oh, w-w-wait,
wait.

A lady does not open her own door.

Let me see the keys.

I will open it for you, gentleman of me.

Okay. There we go.

There you are.

Is everything okay?

Thanks for stopping by.

Bye...

I passed out. What just happened?

Woman: Did America make you gay?

Uh, no, not gay. Just gay-er.

Do you own any small dogs?

Uh, yeah, yeah, two... Elton and John.

Woman
2: My son Jeremy's
gay, too. He lives in France.

Do you know him?

Oh, yes, yes, gay Jeremy.

But in France, they
call him "Gay Jheremee."

Oh, hey, Brett, sometimes
I like to watch gay porn.

Does that make me gay?

Uh, yeah, that makes you 100% gay

- Told you
- Yeah...

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- www.addic7ed.com -

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