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1
00:00:03,610 --> 00:00:04,840
Do-doo-la-ba-bow
2
00:00:04,850 --> 00:00:07,910
[Chuckles] Well, I had the best night.
3
00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,479
Danny has a word-of-the-day calendar...
4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:10,980
You know, he uses it to sound smart.
5
00:00:10,990 --> 00:00:12,920
So last night, I put a fake word in there.
6
00:00:14,350 --> 00:00:16,759
Well, last night, I had sex with a woman,
7
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,290
but playing with calendars sounds fun, too.
8
00:00:20,590 --> 00:00:22,129
By the way, the fake word is "bucky."
9
00:00:22,130 --> 00:00:23,899
I wrote that it means "awesome" or "great."
10
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:26,629
He's been using it all morning. Enjoy.
11
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:30,569
Ah, so fun having everybody
over to watch "The Matrix."
12
00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:33,809
Really. It was extremely bucky. [Chuckles]
13
00:00:33,810 --> 00:00:35,070
I know it's a fake word, okay?
14
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,179
The problem with your plan is
15
00:00:36,180 --> 00:00:37,709
whenever I say a word, it becomes real,
16
00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:39,240
because everybody knows that everything I say
17
00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:40,879
is extremely bucky.
18
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,119
So, everybody got together
and watched a movie
19
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,720
and didn't invite me?
20
00:00:46,950 --> 00:00:49,819
Oh, this isn't bucky at all.
21
00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:51,989
It's okay. I get it.
22
00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:53,659
So, was "Matrix" any good?
23
00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:58,060
You know, I don't know.
Is the Earth any good?
24
00:00:59,930 --> 00:01:01,499
How have you not seen "The Matrix"?
25
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,139
When it came out, I was four.
26
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:06,639
Uh, well, it's about a computer genius,
27
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,009
so naturally is played by Keanu Reeves.
28
00:01:09,010 --> 00:01:11,240
Um, it's a very simple story, really.
29
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:15,210
They take away Keanu's mouth
and he's like [Muffled grunting]
30
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,449
And then Morpheus comes in
with blue M&M's and red M&M's,
31
00:01:18,450 --> 00:01:20,489
and then Keanu Reeves is like, "whoa.
32
00:01:20,490 --> 00:01:21,850
Oh, my God. I love M&Ms."
33
00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:24,659
And then Keanu Reeves defeats the bad guy
34
00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:25,820
and becomes the one and then wins
35
00:01:25,830 --> 00:01:27,159
a longer leather jacket and flies away.
36
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,460
It's pretty much the perfect movie.
37
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:33,000
Ooh, now explain "Inception" to us.
38
00:01:39,090 --> 00:01:41,429
Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
39
00:01:41,430 --> 00:01:43,999
Danny: "Undateable"... a show
about a man who never ages.
40
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,969
- Justin: For the last time, you age.
- No.
41
00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:47,479
?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17?
?www.addic7ed.com?
42
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,579
Okay, guys who strike up
conversations at urinals
43
00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:51,520
are going on my list of things that suck.
44
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,589
Yo, Danny, we didn't get
to finish our conversation
45
00:01:54,590 --> 00:01:56,659
in there.
46
00:01:56,660 --> 00:01:57,889
Danny started a Twitter feed
47
00:01:57,890 --> 00:01:59,959
of "Things that suck and
don't suck" in Detroit.
48
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,490
He tried to hook me up by putting me on
49
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,859
the "Things that don't suck" list.
50
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:05,629
Turns out, that's not a
list you want to be on
51
00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:06,929
in the gay community.
52
00:02:06,930 --> 00:02:09,269
Hey, put the bar on the list
of "Things that don't suck."
53
00:02:09,270 --> 00:02:10,270
Uh, no.
54
00:02:10,271 --> 00:02:12,470
People never lie on the Internet.
55
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:16,939
Danny, you should really try to think about
56
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:18,579
making this Twitter thing into a job.
57
00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:20,979
You know, I could get you an
interview at the Detroit Weekly.
58
00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:22,549
You know, that would be a fun column.
59
00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:24,919
Yo, why are you always nagging
me about this job thing?
60
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,819
Because you need to get your life started.
61
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,489
Whatever. I have an awesome job.
62
00:02:28,490 --> 00:02:31,820
You deliver pizzas, right?
63
00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:33,289
Actually, I don't deliver pizzas.
64
00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:34,959
Like Jason Statham, I'm a transporter.
65
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,599
Sure, sometimes I transport pizzas,
66
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,629
but really, it could be anything...
67
00:02:37,630 --> 00:02:39,869
Nuclear weapons...
68
00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:42,899
Garlic knots.
69
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,300
You know, I had my first
real job when I was 14.
70
00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:47,009
I mean, I had to, you know, to pay for...
71
00:02:47,010 --> 00:02:48,070
Those modern-dance classes
72
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,479
weren't gonna pay for themselves.
73
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,209
Pow! Pow!
74
00:02:52,210 --> 00:02:54,010
Pow!
75
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:57,419
The point is, you're 31.
76
00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:59,589
I mean, don't you want
to accomplish anything?
77
00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,819
I mean, what would people
say if you died today?
78
00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:03,159
That's actually a really great idea.
79
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,859
Let's all go around, pretend it's my funeral,
80
00:03:04,860 --> 00:03:06,129
and say amazing things about me.
81
00:03:06,130 --> 00:03:08,259
Go ahead. I'll be the priest.
82
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:10,799
Here lies Danny Burton
83
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,329
Everyone thought, of
course, that he was immortal
84
00:03:12,330 --> 00:03:13,300
Because he looked so awesome
85
00:03:13,301 --> 00:03:16,699
Ah-aah-ahhhh-aaaah
86
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,869
Nobody wants to do your stupid fake funeral.
87
00:03:18,870 --> 00:03:22,109
Danny was a good man.
88
00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:24,779
And now that he's gone, the
world is a little less...
89
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:26,649
Bucky.
90
00:03:26,650 --> 00:03:30,249
Danny, if you can hear me,
91
00:03:30,250 --> 00:03:32,549
I'd very much like to spin pottery with you
92
00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:34,850
like Demi Moore in "Ghost."
93
00:03:34,860 --> 00:03:37,520
Hey, shell, I'm right here with you.
94
00:03:37,530 --> 00:03:41,759
[Gasps] I can feel you.
95
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,960
Oh, my love
96
00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:47,369
My darling
97
00:03:47,370 --> 00:03:52,739
I hunger for your touch
98
00:03:52,740 --> 00:03:55,039
Ghost, ghost
99
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,279
Okay, listen.
100
00:03:56,280 --> 00:04:00,509
[Laughs]
101
00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:04,580
First of all, you obviously
don't know the song, okay?
102
00:04:04,590 --> 00:04:06,519
And no singing at my funeral.
103
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:07,589
You sang before.
104
00:04:07,590 --> 00:04:09,359
Yeah, because that's what the priest does
105
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,689
whenever he forgets what...
his story that he's telling.
106
00:04:11,690 --> 00:04:14,190
Uh, a-and then Mary
and Joseph came down
107
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,660
Talked to Jesus and the holy spirit
108
00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:19,799
Then what happened was that
everybody kind of just went
109
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,169
And had a campfire
and then ate hot dogs
110
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:25,769
Ah-aah-ahh-aaaah
111
00:04:25,770 --> 00:04:27,909
Justin: I'll say something.
I will. [Clears throat]
112
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:30,309
Danny was a selfish man.
113
00:04:30,310 --> 00:04:33,279
He wouldn't even tweet
about his best friend's bar.
114
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,250
Come on, man.
115
00:04:34,251 --> 00:04:35,310
You loved Danny Burton.
116
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:36,649
Why don't you say something nice about him?
117
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:38,019
Don't be a coward.
118
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:39,049
I-I'm a coward?
119
00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:40,349
[Chuckles lightly]
120
00:04:40,350 --> 00:04:42,619
Look, I know you'd love to
turn this whole Twitter thing
121
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,359
into a job, but you're too chicken.
122
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,259
Face it, Danny... you're getting
very close to becoming a loser.
123
00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:51,729
Thou shall not speak ill about thy roommate.
124
00:04:51,730 --> 00:04:54,730
Luke:29, Andre:3000.
125
00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,309
Man, when Shelly's getting some action,
126
00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:02,779
he makes everything sexual.
127
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:05,779
Oh, you're nasty.
128
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:10,119
Oh, you brought a friend?
129
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,619
Oh, she just likes to watch?
130
00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:15,920
Oh, there's no spectators here.
131
00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:23,159
Mmm.
132
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,460
Shelly, how hot would
you say this new girl is?
133
00:05:25,470 --> 00:05:29,130
Would you say that she's '80s-movie hot?
134
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,629
Brett: Candace, come and join in.
135
00:05:32,630 --> 00:05:35,430
We're just talking about Shelly's new lady.
136
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,369
Last night, she gave him a hot-stone massage.
137
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:40,170
That's when a hot girl gives
me a massage while I'm stoned.
138
00:05:42,470 --> 00:05:43,709
[Clears throat]
139
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:46,409
She summons me every night around midnight.
140
00:05:46,410 --> 00:05:49,149
So you're a booty call.
141
00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:50,849
I'm so sorry.
142
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,849
The guy's getting no-strings-attached sex.
143
00:05:52,850 --> 00:05:54,549
There's no "I'm sorry" after sex.
144
00:05:54,550 --> 00:05:57,419
[Chuckles] Well, that's not entirely true.
145
00:05:57,420 --> 00:06:00,159
I almost always apologize right after sex.
146
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,329
Not sure why I shared that.
147
00:06:01,330 --> 00:06:03,090
That could have stayed in the journal.
148
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,529
How would that apology go?
149
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:05,560
Okay, fine, example...
150
00:06:05,570 --> 00:06:07,299
Like, if I know I'm not gonna last long,
151
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,469
I'd feel bad, so I want
to leave her with a show.
152
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,699
Like, I'll sing or something.
153
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:14,139
Like... no, no, no-oo, no, no
154
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,170
Sorry.
155
00:06:21,210 --> 00:06:22,510
I mean, I do like her.
156
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,879
I'm hoping it'll turn into something more.
157
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,689
Booty calls almost never
turn into real relationships.
158
00:06:27,690 --> 00:06:29,389
If you really want to date this girl,
159
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,959
you can't go over there every time she calls.
160
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,089
But I can help you.
161
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:35,090
I'll be your booty-call sponsor!
162
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,760
I appreciate the fact that you
want to help and everything.
163
00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:41,669
I feel like there's a big "but."
164
00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:44,939
Oh, there is.
165
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:47,440
And it's attached to a woman named Vanessa.
166
00:06:53,410 --> 00:06:55,010
Ah. Hey, man.
167
00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:56,579
You think I'm too scared
to take the job, huh?
168
00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:58,419
Well, guess what... I'm gonna
make you eat your words.
169
00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:00,349
I got Danny that interview today.
170
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:02,850
And she's been helping me work on my...
171
00:07:02,860 --> 00:07:03,959
How do you pronounce it?
172
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,320
"Ri-so-may"?
173
00:07:05,330 --> 00:07:07,059
- "Reh-su-may."
- "Ray-so-may."
174
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,060
- "Reh-su-may."
- "Ray... ray-so-may."
175
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,659
- "Reh-su-may."
- "Ray-so-may."
176
00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:13,599
- "Reh-su-may."
- "Reh-su-may."
177
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,769
Bet you didn't know I had
over 100 special skills.
178
00:07:15,770 --> 00:07:18,039
I can speak in various different languages.
179
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,800
[British accent] Hello.
180
00:07:19,810 --> 00:07:20,869
[French accent] Hello.
181
00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:23,340
[Speaks Japanese]
182
00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:31,980
Well, first off, there's no such thing
183
00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:34,390
as "Microsoft words with friends."
184
00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,259
And you did not read "Of Mice and Men."
185
00:07:39,260 --> 00:07:40,659
Of course I did, dude.
186
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,659
Oh, yeah? Then wh-what
was your favorite part?
187
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:45,999
When... All of the mice
188
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,770
band together to fight the men.
189
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,269
Hey, man, you know, I
really didn't want to say it
190
00:07:52,270 --> 00:07:54,570
over at the bar, but you
really hurt my feelings.
191
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,479
You know, I [Sighs] I went too far.
192
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,450
I need to apologize.
193
00:08:00,451 --> 00:08:01,749
No! No, you can't.
194
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:03,919
Okay, Danny cares what you think.
195
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,819
That's a power that only
one other person has,
196
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,620
but I can't get Vin Diesel to come here.
197
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,219
But if you apologize,
he's gonna blow this off
198
00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:12,289
like he always does, okay?
199
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:13,689
You have to give him tough love.
200
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:15,190
Well, I'm not a tough-love guy.
201
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,590
I'm a love-love guy.
202
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:20,060
If you start acting nice and
ruin this, I will kill you.
203
00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:21,329
Yeah, Danny, I g...
204
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:23,069
Oop! Whoa!
205
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:26,700
Okay, tough love or night-night. Your call.
206
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:31,779
[Weakly] You know I could get
out of this if I wanted to.
207
00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:33,580
Go for it.
208
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,869
Look at you in your "Transporter" suit.
209
00:08:53,870 --> 00:08:55,169
All right, so for this interview,
210
00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:56,699
he's just gonna ask me,
like, a bunch of questions?
211
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,239
What if he asks me how
I get my hair this good
212
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,770
and I can't tell him, 'cause it's a secret?
213
00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:02,909
Oh, you know what?
214
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,509
I don't think I should go through with this.
215
00:09:05,510 --> 00:09:07,010
[Sighs]
216
00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:10,419
Where the hell is my tough love?
217
00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:12,149
Don't you see what's happening?
218
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:14,149
He's getting scared. He's
looking for a way out.
219
00:09:14,150 --> 00:09:16,419
Look, I know your biggest
aw is how desperate you are
220
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:17,519
to have everyone like you.
221
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,559
That is not true.
222
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:19,889
It is, and I don't like that about you.
223
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:21,559
What can I do to change that?
224
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,759
Be mean, okay?
225
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,430
If you love Danny, be the
meanest you've ever been.
226
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,199
[Whistling]
227
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,700
H... uh, oops. Ohh.
228
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,909
How do you expect to hold a job?
229
00:09:34,910 --> 00:09:36,370
You can't even hold a coffee mug.
230
00:09:36,380 --> 00:09:38,340
[Chuckles]
231
00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:39,679
All right, you know what?
232
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,450
I'm gonna get this job, nerd.
233
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,949
All right, I got to go to work.
234
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,280
Danny, you're gonna kill it.
235
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:46,789
Yeah, I should probably head out, too.
236
00:09:46,790 --> 00:09:49,389
Um...
237
00:09:49,390 --> 00:09:50,459
Really?
238
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:52,420
You're not gonna say anything supportive
239
00:09:52,430 --> 00:09:54,289
to your best friend before he leaves?
240
00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:57,759
I'll tell you something
I told a mall Santa once
241
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,060
when I turned 16
242
00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:00,699
and didn't get a car for Christmas...
243
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,500
I don't believe in you anymore.
244
00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:07,369
You're becoming a mean person,
245
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:08,870
and I don't like that about you.
246
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,180
U-ugh.
247
00:10:13,010 --> 00:10:14,679
[Groans]
248
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,749
Danny, wait.
249
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,720
Yes?
250
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,929
Shelly, did you and Vanessa talk last night?
251
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:27,930
We did.
252
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,190
So, what did she say?
253
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,360
Oh, she said, "harder," "faster,"
254
00:10:31,370 --> 00:10:33,429
"okay, not that fast,"
255
00:10:33,430 --> 00:10:35,330
"now go again,"
256
00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:36,430
"nice job,"
257
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,770
"good-bye."
258
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:41,509
I mean, it's hard to say no to a booty call.
259
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:42,770
I'd like to see you try.
260
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:43,740
Bring it on.
261
00:10:43,741 --> 00:10:46,709
Okay.
262
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:47,979
Hi, beautiful.
263
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,119
It's Greg.
264
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,419
What do you want?
265
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,589
Oh, I think you know what I want.
266
00:10:54,590 --> 00:10:57,160
[Laughing] Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
267
00:10:58,660 --> 00:11:00,589
Oh, you have caller I.D.
268
00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:04,029
If you're not interested, why'd you answer?
269
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:08,599
Um... I don't know.
270
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,969
Look, I just started "Love Actually,"
271
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:13,569
and I really don't want to watch it alone.
272
00:11:13,570 --> 00:11:16,339
That's my favorite movie.
273
00:11:16,340 --> 00:11:19,479
Oh, Hugh Grant just came on the screen.
274
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,449
Uh, hi. Hello, Candace.
275
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,479
Yeah, it's me... Hugh Grant.
276
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,149
Yes, yes,
277
00:11:26,150 --> 00:11:28,390
the Benedict Cumberbatch of the '90s.
278
00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:33,859
You, uh... you can't resist a
charming British Prime Minister
279
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,759
who's desperately in love
with his secretary, can you?
280
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,860
She just thinks she's ever so chubby.
281
00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:40,729
Chubby... No, but she's not chubby.
282
00:11:40,730 --> 00:11:44,969
She's just British curvy, like Adele.
283
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,539
Shel... Oh, no.
284
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,270
Vanessa.
285
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,880
Hi, Hugh? Yeah, it's Brett.
286
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:01,550
Phone sex? Woof.
287
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:04,190
I can't. I'm at work.
288
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,329
Hey.
289
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:09,690
How did Danny seem when
he left for the interview?
290
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,799
I'm so nervous. Me too.
291
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,329
Why?
292
00:12:13,330 --> 00:12:14,930
Oh, hey, Les.
293
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,469
You skipped the interview?
294
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:19,200
I just decided I didn't need
to go after Justin apologized.
295
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:20,839
I didn't apologize, per se.
296
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,479
You said I was an amazing, inspiring person,
297
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,780
like a male Oprah.
298
00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:30,679
Justin said that I didn't need a job
299
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,980
because I already had the
best job in the world...
300
00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:34,950
Being me.
301
00:12:42,437 --> 00:12:43,770
Before you kill me... You should know
302
00:12:43,776 --> 00:12:45,920
that I called the Detroid Weekly guy.
303
00:12:45,925 --> 00:12:48,809
It took some bargaining. But he agreed
to make up the interview here at the bar.
304
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,239
What did you offer him?
305
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,449
Free drinks and a chance to meet
306
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,779
Danny's attractive older sister...
307
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:56,149
Who would probably go out with him.
308
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,580
I'm not gonna go out with some rando.
309
00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:01,090
Well, I... That's him over there.
310
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,390
Anything for my brother.
311
00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:07,090
But it doesn't matter.
312
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,329
Danny's not gonna do the interview.
313
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,929
He will if he doesn't know it's happening.
314
00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:11,299
[Chuckles]
315
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:14,269
You see, interviews are just an excuse
316
00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,039
to brag about yourself.
317
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:19,469
That's literally what
Danny does all the time.
318
00:13:19,470 --> 00:13:21,939
You guys, help me wrap my head around this...
319
00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:24,209
I'm so good at so many different things.
320
00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,679
And let me get a look at you here.
321
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,249
- I like this jacket. That's good.
- Thanks.
322
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:29,749
Oh, I think you got a fuzzy in your hair.
323
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:30,819
Oh, really? I hate fuzzies. Get it.
324
00:13:30,820 --> 00:13:32,419
Okay.
325
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:33,619
There you go... Oh, it's in your ear now.
326
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:34,850
[Laughs] It always ends up in there.
327
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:36,859
I got it.
328
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:39,089
I spent the morning looking in the mirror,
329
00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:40,759
lip-synching to Taylor swift,
330
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,729
and yet that is the gayest
thing I've seen all day.
331
00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:45,769
Oh, actually, you know
what? There's a guy here
332
00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:46,969
that's excited to meet you.
333
00:13:46,970 --> 00:13:47,999
He's actually a, uh, fan
334
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,169
of "Things that suck and don't suck."
335
00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:50,800
Rich, uh, meet Danny.
336
00:13:50,810 --> 00:13:51,969
- Hey.
- Hey.
337
00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:53,239
- Great to meet you, Danny.
- Cool.
338
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,070
My office loves your stuff on Twitter.
339
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,209
Oh.
340
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,679
So, what would you say
is your biggest strength?
341
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,549
Well, um, even though you're a stranger,
342
00:14:00,550 --> 00:14:02,919
that's a really great question.
343
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:04,819
Shelly!
344
00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,619
[Panting] Don't do this.
345
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:07,819
I have to.
346
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:11,620
As a wise man once said, "Me so horny."
347
00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:14,459
Why don't you just tell
Vanessa you want more?
348
00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:19,469
Look, women like Vanessa,
they don't date guys like me.
349
00:14:19,470 --> 00:14:22,330
She would, if you didn't let her use you
350
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:24,800
like a giant Teddy bear you have sex with.
351
00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:26,509
Just leave with me now
352
00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:29,680
and you can have more
with Vanessa... I promise.
353
00:14:31,610 --> 00:14:33,380
Yes!
354
00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:42,760
Thank God I wore my glasses,
because you are '80s-movie hot.
355
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,229
Aah! Oh, my God!
356
00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:47,659
Oh, my God!
357
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,700
I'm just... ohhh!
358
00:14:51,630 --> 00:14:52,899
[Sobbing]
359
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:55,600
I just wanted you to know
I think you're pretty.
360
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,639
You mind if I check out your r?sum??
361
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,139
Why do you want to see my "reh-so-may"?
362
00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:05,779
Hold on one second... I'm
answering questions to you,
363
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:10,349
and you're Rich Greenway
of the Detroit Weekly.
364
00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:11,749
Excuse me for a second.
365
00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:16,119
Hey, uh, Justin, you have
a little fuzzy on your ear.
366
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,789
Hey, can I get another beer?
367
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:20,129
Help yourself.
368
00:15:20,130 --> 00:15:23,030
Very nice.
369
00:15:25,170 --> 00:15:27,230
Hey, man, you know what's going
on my list of "Things that suck"?
370
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,739
People that trick their
friends into secret interviews.
371
00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:33,069
Yeah, not sure how
relatable that one is, man.
372
00:15:33,070 --> 00:15:34,770
Don't you think this would be a cool job?
373
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:36,339
Yeah, of course I think it'd be a cool job.
374
00:15:36,340 --> 00:15:37,979
But I'll never get it.
375
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,449
It's better just to never want anything.
376
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:44,019
Look, it's... it's hard
to put yourself out there.
377
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,220
[Sighs] This reminds me of a story.
378
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,489
There once was a little boy...
379
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,460
It was you, wasn't it?
380
00:15:50,461 --> 00:15:53,389
You were the tiny, feminine boy?
381
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:56,899
Mrs. Winston was casting the 8th-grade play,
382
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,599
"The Sound of Music."
383
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,570
It was always my lifelong dream
to play Captain Von Trapp.
384
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:06,839
Dreamt of being a widower with seven kids?
385
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,270
I've always wanted a big family.
386
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,740
You know that.
387
00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:13,910
Anyway, I was scared to audition.
388
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,249
But I did.
389
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,480
And, yeah, because my voice hadn't changed,
390
00:16:17,490 --> 00:16:21,950
I was cast as the youngest
Von Trapp daughter.
391
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,659
But the point is, I would have
regretted that if I never tried.
392
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:28,659
How do you think Keanu Reeves
would have felt in "The Matrix"
393
00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:30,200
if he never ate the M&M?
394
00:16:35,570 --> 00:16:37,740
Are you saying I'm the one?
395
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,909
But, uh, I guess we'll never know
396
00:16:41,910 --> 00:16:45,710
unless you finish the interview.
397
00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:49,880
All right, get Richard back in here. Yeah.
398
00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:53,589
But hold on, Justin.
399
00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:56,159
Do I have any more fuzzies in my hair?
400
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,689
[Chuckles lightly]
401
00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,860
You never did.
402
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,540
Hey, Shelly.
403
00:17:11,570 --> 00:17:13,570
You wanted to talk?
404
00:17:13,610 --> 00:17:14,910
Um...
405
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:16,170
[Chuckles lightly]
406
00:17:17,610 --> 00:17:22,680
You know, as much as I love
making our nighttime PB&Js...
407
00:17:22,710 --> 00:17:24,650
Where you're the jelly 'cause you're sweet
408
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,050
and you smell like berries,
409
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:31,320
and I'm the peanut butter
'cause I'm nutty and chunky...
410
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,160
It's just that [Sighs]
411
00:17:33,190 --> 00:17:36,860
I want to be more than a booty call with you,
412
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,530
and I'm hoping you do, too.
413
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,730
Aww, Shelly.
414
00:17:40,770 --> 00:17:43,430
That's so sweet.
415
00:17:43,470 --> 00:17:45,600
But I'm sorry.
416
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:50,410
You're just, you know, not the
kind of guy that I "date" date.
417
00:17:55,910 --> 00:17:58,880
Oh, my God.
418
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:03,690
That is not how it went
down in "Love Actually."
419
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,860
Shelly, I'm so sorry.
420
00:18:05,890 --> 00:18:07,190
It's her loss, man.
421
00:18:07,230 --> 00:18:08,990
No, it's my loss.
422
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,960
Trust me... I've seen her naked.
423
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:16,870
Shelly, let me just share
something with you...
424
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:19,670
Actually, Candace, he's pretty down already,
425
00:18:19,710 --> 00:18:22,770
and most of your stories
end up really depressing.
426
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:26,740
No, when... when I was a kid, I was homeless.
427
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,580
And we're off.
428
00:18:28,610 --> 00:18:31,380
So my mom and I lived in a car for a while,
429
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:33,950
but I always knew that I
could look out the window
430
00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:36,090
and see my best friend, Carol.
431
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,060
See? It's fine. She had a friend.
432
00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:40,420
Carol was my reflection.
433
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,270
The point is, even when times were bleak,
434
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:52,300
I knew that someday I would have a new life
435
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,910
with real friends who care about me.
436
00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:56,940
And I can already feel it happening.
437
00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:59,610
You just have to believe
that there's a girl out there
438
00:18:59,650 --> 00:19:00,850
who deserves you.
439
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,180
Because if you believe it,
eventually, it will happen.
440
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:05,880
[Cellphone chimes]
441
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,320
Oh, that's Vanessa.
442
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:10,990
She still wants me to come
over tonight at midnight.
443
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,260
But I'm telling her I'm
needing something more.
444
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:16,990
[Chuckles lightly]
445
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,660
I'm so proud of you.
446
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:20,970
How does it feel?
447
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,940
Not as good as sex, but...
448
00:19:23,970 --> 00:19:25,340
Good.
449
00:19:25,370 --> 00:19:28,810
Sometimes turning down a woman
can feel better than sex.
450
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,280
That's another one for the journal.
451
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:34,850
Okay, here they come.
452
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,280
Remember, if Richard looks over, act normal.
453
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,120
Burski, he said act normal.
454
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,460
Someday, that will be normal for us.
455
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,000
Best...
456
00:19:52,030 --> 00:19:53,160
day...
457
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,970
in...
458
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,900
the history...
459
00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,500
of all the days!
460
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,210
Yeah.
461
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,980
You know what? This is a big deal for me.
462
00:20:06,010 --> 00:20:07,880
And it was all because of you, so thank you.
463
00:20:07,910 --> 00:20:11,020
Um, I've been trying to get
you a job for like 10 years.
464
00:20:11,050 --> 00:20:12,580
Justin did it in less than a day,
465
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:15,150
so maybe next time ask him for advice sooner.
466
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,760
I'm really proud of you, Danny.
467
00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:18,790
This is so bucky.
468
00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:20,530
I can't believe I just said that.
469
00:20:21,990 --> 00:20:25,430
Danny: All right, Justin, I'm headed to work.
470
00:20:34,870 --> 00:20:37,710
What the hell are you wearing?
471
00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:40,040
I'm the one, dude.
472
00:20:48,474 --> 00:20:51,018
I can't fly. Yeah, but I can
probably do it eventually.
473
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,199
Daniel.
474
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,354
It's time.
475
00:21:04,837 --> 00:21:07,369
I just wanna be supportive.
It's his first day.
476
00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:09,370
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