All language subtitles for Truth Be Told s01e01 Pilot.eng

One second. I go
kitchen, get your order.

Perfect. Thanks.

Boom. What'd I tell ya?

I'm not buying the accent.

What's to buy?

Russell, most people who work in a
Chinese restaurant have an accent.

But not all of them do,
and yet all of them do.

You think that she's faking the accent

so the orange chicken tastes better?

I'm just saying being Asian
and faking an Asian accent...

She's "Uncle Tom yumming" it.

Wow.

I don't think we're allowed
to talk about these things.

I know I'm not.

But I can. Watch this.

Oh, God.

Here you go. Enjoy.

Syeh-syeh.

You see that, Mitch?

I just said "thank you" in Chinese,

and she looked at me blankly.

Yeah, I think the look was,

"Why is this black dude speaking Chinese?"

Are you really upset about this,

or is this a bit for your stand-up?

Are you asking me if I
can turn all of this off?

I cannot.

It's the black Porsche. Thanks, bro.

- [laughs]
- [cell phone vibrates]

I'm getting a text. It tickles.

Dope!

My beautiful bride just scored
us four tickets to Jay Z.

- Oh, sweet!
- Me, Angie, you, Tracy.

- Tracy's gonna love this.
- Dude, tomorrow night?

Oh, what? This sucks.

You and Tracy still don't
have a new sitter.

It's been two months!

The only person Tracy
will sign off on is her mom.

Ooh. And the search continues.

You got to say something.

I'm not wasting my breath, Mitch.

It's a valet stand, not Selma.

- Then I'm saying something.
- No, no.

I'm your best man.

That did not end at your wedding.

I'm your best man everywhere we go.

I should've made my brother my best man.

Hey. Hey, Professor.

You're not teaching your
ethics class right now.

Oh, yes, I am.

Excuse me.

Hi. Hello.

This is not my car.

This is his car.

Okay.

My car is a PT Cruiser...

A convertible PT Cruiser.

Which is why we took my car.

Hurtful.

The point is that this
Porsche or "Porscha"...

I don't even know how to pronounce it.

Both: "Porscha."
- See?

This car is his, and I think
that you assumed it was mine

because you don't think a black man

can afford a fancy automobile.

Well, actually, I thought it was yours

because there's a John Mayer CD playing.

Yeah, that's my CD.

We done here, Reverend Sharpton?

We are.

You know, you're exhausting.

- I really am.
- Mm-hmm.

Synced and Corrected by Nsiko
www.Addic7ed.com

Guys, why don't we just
do dinner at your place?

We live 30 feet away from you.

Because I needed a night out,

and 30 feet is within range
of Sadie's old baby monitor.

Oh, at least it's supposed to be.

Come on!

You haven't been blessed with
a sweet angelic four-year-old.

We want to die.

Remind me in the morning to
get an estimate on a vasectomy.

Well, I'm a doctor. I'll
do it for free right now.

[laughter]

Tracy hasn't had a
real night out in 45 days.

46!

Unbelievable.

I can FaceTime my grandmother
in the Philippines.

I can't get a clear picture
of my daughter right next door.

This stupid piece
of... Oh, my angel.

Oh, babe.

Okay.

Thank you, Lord, for
this food and our friends.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen.

Ange, I noticed you eyeing the Moo Shu.

You want to put down that cup of
algae and maybe get in on this?

I desperately do,

but I've only got 36
hours left of my cleanse,

and mama's got to look good
in her dress tomorrow night.

But Daddy likes that
booty the way it is.

Oh, man.

They're gonna have sex
and watch "House of Cards."

Ange, how'd you score
Jay Z tickets anyway?

I asked everyone at my firm,
and no one could hook me up.

Ange got the Head of
Pediatrics to pull a favor.

Those doctors are nothing
without their residents.

Oh, well, actually,

Dr. Kessman couldn't come
through, so I asked Marcus.

What?

Marcus? Who's Marcus?

Marcus and I kind of
went out for a while.

You dated for two years
right before we started dating.

- On and off.
- You lived together.

We didn't live together.
I had my own apartment.

- You're talking to me, not your dad.
- Am I?

I was just unaware that you
two were still communicating.

- I mean, have you seen him?
- No. We just text sometimes.

What kind of texts?

You know, like, "Can
you hook me and my husband

and our friends up with
four tickets to Jay Z?"

All I heard was "hook up."

Screw it. Pass me them ribs.

Oh, babe, that concert's tomorrow night.

We have 24 hours to either find a sitter

or get Sadie way into Jay Z. [baby fussing]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Where is that stupid...
- They had another baby?

They're just gonna keep
trying until they have a boy.

Just play catch with your daughters!

Shh, shh.

Doesn't it feel like
every time they come home,

it's from the hospital?

I bet they have an amazing sitter.

- Mitch.
- Excuse me a sec.

- No, no.
- Yes, yes!

I'm just gonna ask 'em, Jew to Jew.

M'lady needs a night out.

Look, as badly as I want one,

I can't steal another
mother's babysitter, can I?

No. I can't, I can't. It's a sacred rule.

We're not breaking any rules.

The concert is tomorrow night,
Friday night, the Sabbath.

They don't go out on Friday nights.

Isn't saying "they" offensive?

It would be if I were talking

about all orthodox Jewish people,

who, for religious reasons,
don't go out on Friday nights,

but I'm not talking about
all orthodox Jewish people.

I am talking about the Goldsteins.

The Goldmans.

Okay. Well, that was offensive.

Okay.

I want to apologize
for my behavior earlier.

I guess I misunderstood.

I thought when we got married,

we were gonna stop dating other people.

Babe, I didn't mention Marcus

because I didn't think it was a big deal.

You won. You got me.

You got all of this.

Come here.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

You give me a two-minute
head start, then join me.

Hmm.

That is if you're still up for it.

Oh, I'm still up for it, yeah.

Hey, but this time, we're going
till the water gets cold, hello.

Hello.

Mm.

[cell phone chimes]

Marcus, my man, you are
really wrecking the mood, bro.

[in tune of "Hava Nagila"]

Both: Yay!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.

- Signal, signal.
- Oh, yeah.

What you doing?

Huh? No, I wasn't.

Were you looking through my text?

I-I thought that was my phone.

You thought your phone was
the one with the pink case?

And now I see that it is not.

[scoffs] You know what?

Look, we have no secrets.

No. I trust you.

Do you?

I'm gonna leave my phone right here,

and while I'm gone, you
feel free to take a look.

Boop.

- So did you look?
- Of course I looked!

- You had to look!
- I had to look.

I mean, if I can figure out
your password in four tries,

you're basically telling me to look.

She is telling you to look.

So what did that dirt bag say?

Ha! He said, and I quote,

"Leaving tickets at will call.

Still trying to get you backstage passes."

The balls on this guy.

Ugh.

- I shouldn't have looked.
- Why would you look?

But on the plus side, backstage passes.

You guys got to find a babysitter!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

About that...

You found a sitter?

We're interviewing
her in, like, 20 minutes.

Oh, hold on, hold
on. Hold on, wait, wait.

Tracy hasn't met her yet?

No, no. But she's agreed
to keep an open mind.

The same way she agreed
to keep an open mind

about your bachelor party?

We ended up going bowling
and painting plates.

I'm telling you, Tracy is
committed to seeing Jay Z.

All right.

[singing along]

-
Ni...

- No!
- No what?

No! No!

Okay, okay, I get it.
I can't say that word.

You cannot.

But I can't sing it?

You cannot.

Mitch, it's... it's just not a
word that you have access to.

You should hear me do it
because I don't pronounce the R.

You better not pronounce the R.

What if I hum it? Sort
of... sort of like "N..."

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah,
bah-bah-bah-bah.

No, no.

Why don't... why don't you
just do the Alicia Keys part?

Alicia Keys part?

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm pretty enough.

Hey...

you are plenty pretty.

Boop.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- All right, let's do this.
- Let's go!

Top down, baby! Let's go for it!

The world is your stage! Whoo!

[high-pitched voice]
In New York

I think what you're doing
here is actually more offensive.

Yes, I get pedicures.

Every man should.

Hey, Sadie!

Hey, Uncle Russell.

Daddy, I have a rash.

Oh, no, Sweetie. Where's your rash?

On my "bagina."

Oh.

Trace?

Our daughter asked a specific question,

so I'm gonna use the correct terminology.

Makes sense to me.

They grow up so fast.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Babe, grab that tiara and
those plastic heels, please.

- All right.
- Oh, that's right.

I heard we're circling a new sitter.

She seemed nice on the phone. We'll see.

Sounds like our favorite litigator
is ready for cross-examination.

Objection. I am in mom mode right now.

Yeah, but, Trace, remember how we talked

about keeping an open mind.

Right. Open mind.

- Glass half full. Don't forget the code.
- The code?

If Tracy feels there's no
way we're hiring the person,

she gives me a code.

"Did you defrost the chicken?"

So we can cut the interview short.

Why waste our time if
it's not gonna happen?

It's all part of our open mind.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, guys, is a half-naked daughter

the first impression
you're looking to make?

Good catch. Okay, I'll get the door.

You get her dressed. Buttons, babe.

If it has a zipper, it's as good as off.

Daddy, do you have a "bagina"?

And I'm getting the door.

Yep.

- All right?
- Yeah. Okay.

All right, everybody, we need this.

Hi. I'm Kimberly.

Hey, Trace, don't forget
to defrost the chicken!

Yeah. I learned CPR
when I was a lifeguard.

I practically lived in my bathing suit.

Oh, don't you just love how soft these are?

We don't have a pool.

The whole lifeguard thing...
It's just not relevant.

Well, Kimberly, you seem great.

Yeah, but we've been meeting

with a lot of potential babysitters.

Who have all been horrendous...

- Yeah.
- Till you.

Wait. What's happening?

I know that this is last-minute,

but can you come back and babysit tonight?

- Yeah. Totally.
- Great!

- Great!
- Come on.

Great.

Mitch, your wife signed
off on the hot babysitter.

What's the problem?

She's hot!

The real problem is
how you're saying it.

Say it like this. "She is hot!"

Russell, I'm a white guy...

Yes.

Who's married to a woman

who's ethnically ambiguous.

What is she?

If we hire a babysitter
who's also ethnically ambiguous,

it's gonna look like I have a thing.

But don't you have a thing?

Okay, this is... this is
exactly why we can't hire her.

- Because you do have a thing.
- Whether or not I have a thing.

And my gut tells me that you do.

All right. The first rule
of marriage is the best boobs

in the house
should belong to...

Tracy. Hey, Tracy. Tracy's here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Marriage and just how great it is.

Isn't spooning the best?

Liar. What are you really talking about?

Actually, we were just
talking about Kimberly.

You know, she's kind of...

Delicious?

Totally. I trust you.

Oh, I trust me too.

I trust me not to put
myself in these situations.

Were you planning on sleeping with her?

- No!
- Of course not.

So what's happening here

is you're making a problem
where one doesn't exist.

- Oh, that's his jam.
- [car alarm beeps]

Mitch, you're being crazy.

Oh, what'd he do...

Yell at another cop
for texting and driving?

No, worse.

We found a great babysitter.

Kimberly is fantastic.

In fact, we're already Facebook friends,

and she friended me, which never happens.

I mean, not never.
You know, I'm cool...

- In fact...
- Stay on topic.

Right.

But this one doesn't want us
hiring her because she's hot.

Don't hire that girl.

- Thank you!
- What?

It's the same reason I
put my camera in the safe

when I'm in a hotel.

I totally trust the maid,
but why create a problem?

And by "camera," she
means "potato chips."

That's right, Princess.

I trust Mitch.

I just don't trust this Kimberly girl.

[cell phone chimes]

Everything okay with the tickets?

Yeah.

He wasn't texting me about the tickets.

This pretend tea party
is about to get real.

Well, then what was
he texting you about?

Nothing.

Idris Elba is gonna be on "Fallon" tonight,

and he knows I have a thing for him.

Idris Elba.

- I don't know who that is.
- [doorbell rings]

Oh, sweetie, I'm gonna
show you some Google images

that are gonna change your life.

That is if that's okay with you.

I'm cool with Idris.

She never went to St. Barts with him.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Sorry to interrupt high tea.

Oh, well, there's
actually no tea in it at all.

It's totally pretend.

I think she figured it out.

Wait. Is everything okay?

Tell me we're still on for tonight.

Absolutely. I just left my books here,

and I need to return them to the library.

Did you hear that?

Even I have overdue library books.

You look familiar. You ever
been to the Laugh Factory?

No.

That's just his way of telling
you he does stand-up.

I'm exceptional onstage.

You never told me when you want me.

Oh, my God, what?

Oh, uh... 7:00.

Yeah, 7:00's good.
Yeah, let's go with 7:00.

And you have the
address 'cause...

Yeah. It's right here.

Mitch, you're adorable.

And by "adorable," I mean "harmless."

And by "harmless,"

I mean you pose no
physical threat to women.

Hire that girl.

Thank you. I'm going out.

Mama is going out!

I'm going out!

To a different zip code, hey!

Hey!

We're going out.

We got a sitter. We're
getting our lives back.

You guys were right. I
mean, Kimberly is great.

Little hiccup.

I realize why she looks familiar.

Your babysitter does porn.

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty sure I've seen her "bagina."

Wait. So whose wife are we hiding from?

All of them.

All of the wives!

I have to be absolutely sure

that you saw our babysitter doing porn

before I destroy her reputation with Tracy.

I can't remember
exactly which clip it was.

Just put "Kimberly,
babysitter" in the search bar.

First of all,

I doubt she performs
under the name Kimberly.

And second of all, if I put "babysitter"

into the search bar,

we're gonna be here for, like, four days.

We don't have four days.

We have 90 minutes
until the concert starts.

I still need to take a shower.

I have no idea what I'm gonna wear.

- Jeans and a button-down.
- But am I tucking?

Just... I'm working.

[keys clacking]

"Amateur.

"Interracial.

Orgy."

Here it is.

[sultry music plays]

That's not her. That's not her.

Don't celebrate just yet, cowboy.

Did you not hear me type "orgy"?

Yeah.

- Wow. Look at that.
- What, what?

That staircase really
opens up the house.

Are you... fast forward.

You know, there's a
nicer way to do that.

Did somebody order pizza?

[chuckles] Pizza delivery, really?

Ten bucks says when he
opens up that pizza box,

there's gonna be a...

- That's her. That's her.
- Is it?

I think... I think so.

- It's hard to tell.
- Yeah.

You only see her face
for, like, three seconds.

Can you freeze it on her?

What is she playing, pleasure or pain?

It's like she's sneezing
while getting her finger

slammed in a car door.

- Yeah. Play it again.
- Wait. One second.

You got to check out this one girl first.

Please, just go back!

You know, Mitch, sometimes,
you can be real uptight.

That is so not true.

Then why are you wearing a seat belt?

I have to tell Tracy.

The thing is, you don't.

Don't I have a responsibility

to disclose what I know to my wife?

You have responsibility
to be a good husband.

For the last month and a half,
your wife hasn't been saying,

"Mitch, be honest with me."

What she has been saying is,
"Get me out of this house!"

Forget honesty.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I having dinner last night
with a different black friend

who made the same pro-honesty
argument to his wife?

No. It was me.

I'm your only black friend.

Only because you get jealous.

Otherwise, I might be friends with Marcus.

Oh, damn, I said it.

Look, what if it is
Kimberly in that video?

Does that mean that she
can't be a good babysitter?

I mean, from what we've seen,

she is pretty good at multitasking.

So you do think it's her?

No! I don't know.

Why? You want to watch it again?

Tonight's gonna be great, man.

Don't wreck it.

How often do you get
backstage passes to Jay Z?

- Marcus came through?
- Yeah, he's super great.

Look at the butterfly.

Wait. Didn't the other girl

have a tattoo on the inside of her arm?

- That was a pepperoni.
- Oh, damn it.

We get it, guys. She's a hot babysitter.

- Move on.
- Oh, no.

Oh, my God. You look fantastic!

I know. I do. I do!

'Cause I'm going out. Mama's going out!

Unless you think we should reconsider.

Too late. Popped the tags.

This dress is going out with or without me.

Oh, you heard the woman. We
are wheels up in 60 seconds!

- "Wheels up"?
- You have no idea

what kind of pressure
I'm working under here.

What the hell is going on?

Nothing.

Don't lie to me, husband.

Fine.

Mitchell thinks that he
may have seen Kimberly

in an adult film.

That girl was in a porno?

All right, sweetie.

Look, Mommy and Daddy are leaving, okay?

You can watch one video.

Kimberly, can you just make
sure it's something appropriate?

- You know, I just...
- 45 seconds!

Do we know for a fact
this girl moonlights?

We do not.

Well, if you see
something, say something,

but if you just think it's
something, shut the hell up.

My girl T needs this night out.

And I left money in case you
want to have pizza delivered.

Oh, my God.

What's this?

Jay Z's opening act is John Mayer!

What?

We better stop talking and leave.

Oh, and don't let any
strangers in the house.

Or people you do know.

[sneezes]

[sultry jazz music]

[upbeat music]

- We're going out!
- Finally!

- Here we come, Jay Z!
- Our sitter does porn!

[tires screech]

Possibly.

Your sitter possibly does porn.

Going out.

Did somebody order pizza?

- No.
- Yep, it's her!

She's totally got Kimberly's
vaguely Asian cheekbones.

No, this girl's got some black in her.

Oh, you better believe...

Don't say it.

If only we had a photo of her.

Oh, that's it! We're Facebook friends.

Oh, yeah. Hurry.

If it's not her, we can
still get there by 8:15.

They never start on time.

Who, black people?

No, concerts. God, no.

Mitch, your white guilt amuses me.

Okay. She's got
photos up from Christmas,

a trip to Mount Rushmore.

See? People go to that.

Ooh, Six Flags, Six Flags.

Oh, click on that video
of her on the log ride.

How ironic is that?

Oh, my God!

Side-by-side.

- One, two...
- Three.

Did somebody order pizza?

Oh, my God.

Tough call.

What are you guys doing?

- Oh, hey, Pumpkin!
- Hi, sweetie!

Why are you sitting in the
driveway watching videos of me?

You guys are sick!

Kimberly, wait!

Oh, I already popped the tags.

When she said, "Why are
you watching videos of me,"

was she talking about the
log ride one or the other one?

Did she storm off
because she was offended?

Or because she got caught.

Guys, the point is
we don't have a sitter.

Did she say "video" or "videos"?

And here's the big ethical question.

How much of this do we
mention to the Goldmans?

Hmm.

It is the Goldmans, right?

I've been calling them the Goldfeins.

Again, we're sorry.

Dude, no problem.

You know, Kanye's coming next month.

I'll just have Angie text Marcus,

see if he can hook us up.

Wait. Now you're okay
with Angie texting Marcus?

Turns out Marcus has a fianc?e.

And you wouldn't
cheat on her for Rihanna.

- Yo, you seeing this?
- Yeah.

It's your fake Chinese accent girl.

Yeah, Idris was on "Fallon."

He's so hot.

What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

Keep it close.

[laughter]

- Did she just...
- Yep.

- You want me to say something?
- I do not.

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