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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,680
That's a cool hat.
Are you DJing tonight?
2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,000
Oh, yeah. Dropping some MP3
bombs down at hip-hop karaoke.
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,160
What, at the social? No, above the
multistorey car park by the Westway.
4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,347
Oh, yeah. Have you, um...
have you got any candies?
5
00:00:11,427 --> 00:00:13,080
Yeah, I've got loads.
How many do you want?
6
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:16,000
Just a few. I'm, er, pulling an
all-nighter, so I'm thinking...six?
7
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,320
This programme contains
very strong language
8
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:21,240
Can we get on with this?
9
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,061
Or have I got to sit
and listen to you two
10
00:00:23,141 --> 00:00:24,800
talk about legwarmers
all day? Sorry, man.
11
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,880
Steven, do you want a cup of tea before
we start? There's a lot to get through.
12
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,160
You're not lying. Jesus Christ,
what the hell is this? The Bible?
13
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,040
Well, that's exactly what it is.
14
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,720
We're recording an audiobook of
the Bible. Your agent not tell you?
15
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,000
No, she didn't.
16
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,400
And if she had told me
I'd be reading the Bible,
17
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,120
I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it.
18
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,200
Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me?
19
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:44,760
Er, not really, cock.
20
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,400
Not with all this Bible paper
soundproofing the booth.
21
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,760
Oh, cheers, Bernice.
22
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,360
Oh, just a sec.
Um...which cup is Steven's?
23
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,320
Just leave them here.
I'll take it in to him.
24
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,640
What the fuck?!
25
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,160
Are you fucking kidding me?
26
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,560
Those pills are intense.
He'll be chewing the carpet.
27
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,440
Well, I'd better put another one in.
THEY GIGGLE
28
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,480
Oi! Where's my cup of tea? Coming!
29
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,960
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
30
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,960
This is the most beautiful thing
I've ever read.
31
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000
It's better than Shakespeare.
32
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,680
And his ass was beautiful.
I'll read this one again.
33
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,320
Are we rolling?
34
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,280
I love you. Ah-ha! And I love you.
35
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,440
And did I tell you that I love you?
36
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:36,480
Sod this. Let's go from
the beginning. Where...?
37
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,120
Another one? Not for me, Ray.
38
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,040
I'm on in ten. You see,
I've timed it to perfection.
39
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,040
If I start running now,
40
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:16,080
I can clear Soho, pirouette past
the Lyceum, ascend the bendy bridge,
41
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,040
jump onto the South Bank
42
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,640
and just sashay into the Globe
in exactly nine minutes.
43
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,240
Marvellous! Simply spot-on.
44
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,160
Go and knock 'em dead,
young Cliff Bonanza.
45
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,160
There'll be one in the pipe
for your return.
46
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,520
GIGGLING: OK!
47
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,720
God, I envy the boy.
48
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,040
Off he goes to speak
the greatest verse ever written,
49
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:41,120
delivered proudly upon
the most hallowed timber that is...
50
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,920
the Globe Theatre. I know.
51
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:46,960
If I didn't have to hand over
90% of my income for child support
52
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:50,680
to some actress
I hadn't seen since 1979,
53
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,080
whilst emburdened
with a sizeable mortgage,
54
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:56,520
or taken a semi-regular role
in Boon,
55
00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,560
then I, too, would be stood alongside
him on that most prestigious of stages.
56
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:02,800
Mm, wouldn't we all, Cocker Boo?
57
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,840
You know, I feel...
58
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,800
an actor cannot truly
call himself an actor
59
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,960
until he's performed at the Globe.
60
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,640
Couldn't agree with you more,
Purchase.
61
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,760
Remind me, Toast,
62
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,040
when was the last time
you performed at the Globe?
63
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:23,080
CLUB FALLS SILENT
64
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,240
Er...
HE MUMBLES
65
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,280
Sorry, Toast, we didn't hear you.
Could you project?
66
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:34,480
LAUGHTER
67
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,360
Why have you got three fans, Jane?
68
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,440
SHOUTS: It's ridiculously hot!
69
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,320
SHE SIGHS
70
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,360
I was so embarrassed by Ray Purchase.
I had to leave the club immediately.
71
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:50,880
Phew!
72
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,400
SHOUTS: Could it get any hotter,
Toast? According to Radio 4,
73
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:58,440
we're currently experiencing the
hottest weather since weather began.
74
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,800
Why are you shouting, Jane?
75
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,680
SHOUTS: How did that play go?
76
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,360
Why are you shouting, Jane?
77
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,480
SHOUTS: What?
78
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,520
These fans are silent.
You don't need to shout.
79
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,680
How did you get on in that
radio comedy show? Good audience?
80
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,440
Might be a problem with that show.
81
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,600
There were some people
in wheelchairs at the front
82
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,520
that I found particularly
distracting, so I had them removed.
83
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,840
I see.
84
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,120
Hang on.
85
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,040
That's dreadful behaviour.
86
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,360
Kicking members of the audience out
just because they're in wheelchairs?
87
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,588
No, not because they're
in wheelchairs, Jane.
88
00:04:30,668 --> 00:04:31,960
Cos I found them distracting.
89
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,080
That could be
the least politically correct thing
90
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,040
anyone has ever done, ever.
91
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:41,080
Remember, Toast - the PC police
are everywhere these days.
92
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,240
The what? Well, who cares?
93
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:49,280
Ray bloody Purchase publicly
humiliated me and, for once...
94
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,280
..I had no comeback.
95
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,800
Well, you know what they say.
96
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,200
An actor cannot really call himself
an actor until he's performed...
97
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,960
Performed at the Globe. I know.
98
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:01,080
Which is why you are going
to get me into the Globe.
99
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,000
I'm what?
100
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,280
You are going to get me
into the Globe.
101
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,760
They've all performed there. Mm...
102
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,640
Kay Tightneck, Cocker Boo,
Peanut Whistle, Una Length,
103
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,680
Dick Weerdly, Sal Commotion,
Scott Chestnut, Basil Watchfair,
104
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,640
Iqbal Achieve, Nan Slack,
105
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,440
Giuseppe Race,
even Heathcote Pursuit!
106
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,040
Every single one.
All performed at the Globe.
107
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,880
It won't be easy, Toast.
108
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,200
You'll have to impress Daz Klondyke.
109
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,080
He's taken over as creative
director, literally this morning.
110
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,320
Yeah, I had heard a rumour.
111
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,640
He is possibly the hottest,
112
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,240
most controversial director
in the biz right now.
113
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,560
Enfant terrible!
114
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,600
Literally, the terrible child
of British theatre.
115
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,360
What, he's literally a child?
116
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,960
Of course he's not a child.
I'm translating from the French.
117
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,480
He is a genius, though.
118
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,000
His production of The Sound Of Music
at the Royal Court was sensational.
119
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,640
It wasn't, Jane, it was pornographic!
The man got arrested.
120
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,680
So? So did Oscar Wilde.
Didn't do him any harm, did it?
121
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,040
Yes, it did! Anyway!
122
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,760
Klondyke's really going to
shake up the Globe.
123
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,880
He loves trying Shakespeare
in radically different ways.
124
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,240
I'll call him now.
125
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:14,560
India, Daz Klondyke -
patch me through.
126
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,680
You may not want to be here
when I do this.
127
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,440
No, you just carry on. Then I'll know
you've definitely done it.
128
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,360
Daz! How are you?
129
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,680
Settling into your little house
on the Thames?
130
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:25,760
Marvellous.
131
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,040
Now, I've got another actor I'd like
you to see. He's a bit older.
132
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,680
Older than that.
133
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,320
Quite a bit older.
134
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,280
Way older! Get on with it.
135
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,240
His name is Steven Toast.
136
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,080
Know the name,
can't picture the face?
137
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,240
Have you got a Spotlight directory
in front of you?
138
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,760
Oh, God! Oh, you're looking at it?
139
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,760
Looks like a dog? Yes, that's him.
What?!
140
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,000
SHE LAUGHS
141
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,680
Have I thought of entering
that picture for Crufts?
142
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,440
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, Daz, you are naughty!
143
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:58,360
I'll send him round. Ciao, ciao.
Bye-bye.
144
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,800
Woof, woof!
145
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,800
Oh, it's bloody hot, Toast.
146
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,880
It's the hottest weather
since weather began.
147
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,600
Mm. What are you reading, Ed?
148
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,520
Oh, it's a movie script.
I've been offered a part.
149
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,200
It's a sequel
to something I did years ago,
150
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,480
which I remember as being
rather fun. Hm.
151
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,200
It's an erotic comedy.
152
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,000
SCOFFS: Porn film.
153
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,400
No, Toast, an erotic comedy.
154
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,920
Yea-a-a-ah...
155
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,160
New table, Ed?
156
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,360
I'm pleased you noticed. It's made
from... SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..blue spruce.
157
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,680
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Blue spruce?
The Scottish wood?
158
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,240
Yes, it's all the rage at the
moment.
159
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,920
These chairs are also made of...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..blue spruce.
160
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,560
Looks great!
It is, though incredibly flammable.
161
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,320
If there was a fire,
the place would go up in seconds.
162
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,680
And with the fire service
on strike at the moment,
163
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,120
that could be catastrophic.
164
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,280
Well, let's hope that doesn't happen.
165
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,640
Ah...
166
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,960
I see Daz Klondyke
has taken over at the Globe.
167
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,400
Mm. Oh, that's like Sid Vicious being
put in charge of the Opera House.
168
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,320
Ha! I can't wait to see
what he comes up with.
169
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,400
Well, I'll know soon enough.
I'm going to see him this afternoon.
170
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,640
I used to love
treading the boards at the Globe.
171
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,200
I've done a few stints in there
in my time.
172
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,600
When did you last perform
at the Globe, Toast?
173
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,600
MUMBLES: I haven't performed
at the Globe,
174
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,520
not that it's any of your business.
What was that?
175
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,120
I said I've...
176
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,120
I've never, you know, at the Globe.
177
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,760
Had sex at the Globe? Oh, I have.
178
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,960
No! Not had sex.
I've never acted there!
179
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:27,000
Oh.
180
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,560
Ed? Hm? Toast?
181
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,400
Do you think I look like a dog?
182
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:35,440
Do I think you look like a dog?
183
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,360
SOFT WHINING
184
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,920
Not really.
185
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,800
Why have you set an extra place
at the table?
186
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,200
Ah, that's for Kai. Who?
187
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,480
Kai. He's my cousin's son
from Australia.
188
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,160
Oh. He's backpacking round Europe.
189
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,840
G'day! I'm Kai.
190
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,560
He actually says, "G'day".
191
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,120
Kai, welcome, welcome.
192
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,560
Great to see ya, Ed.
Kai, this is Steven Toast.
193
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,520
How ya doing, mate? Fuck off!
194
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,760
What?
195
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:05,000
Sorry, hi. My name's Steven Toast.
196
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,760
You're the other guy
that lives here. Yes.
197
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,240
Ed tells me your job's
doing voice-overs. Did he now?
198
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,280
I am an actor who occasionally
engages in audio performances.
199
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,760
He does quite a lot of voice-overs.
200
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,160
That's so sell-out, man.
If you're a proper actor...
201
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,680
Must be a bit like prostitution?
202
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,120
Right, I'm out of here.
Toast is off to the Globe.
203
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,720
The Globe Theatre? Yes.
204
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,760
They say an actor can't really call
himself an actor... Fuck off. Again.
205
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,600
Oh...oh...
206
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,080
THUD
207
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,120
Ed, I've fallen over with
the immense weight of this backpack.
208
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:41,360
Yes, well, let me deal with
something here first.
209
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,600
Shakespeare's Globe.
210
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,120
You really do look like a dog!
211
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,160
Seeing your photo gave me an idea.
212
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,760
Have you done much theatre, Toast?
My life is theatre. OK, but er,
213
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,880
you've never performed at the Globe.
I mean,
214
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,880
they say an actor cannot really
call himself an actor until...
215
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,920
"Until you've performed at
the Glo-eurgh." What? Nothing.
216
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,040
This desk, is it made of...
SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..blue spruce?
217
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,000
It is! Well spotted, I'm impressed.
218
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,360
Let's get down to brass tacks.
Here's the thing.
219
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,600
As you know,
I've got a bit of a reputation
220
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,640
as a pretty shit-hot
left-wing director
221
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:27,880
who's been brought in to bury
his foot in Shakespeare's ass.
222
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,880
Yep, I'd heard that.
223
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,320
So I'm thinking of kicking off
the season with Twelfth Night.
224
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,760
Great play. Yeah.
225
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,640
And I'm going to do it with dogs.
226
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,680
What? Did you just say,
you're going to do it with dogs?
227
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:40,840
Mostly dogs.
228
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,480
You're going to use dogs as actors?
229
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,240
Yeah, I need to be radical. Things
have got pretty stale around here.
230
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,000
I want this to be a metaphor
for what's happening in Syria.
231
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,440
But dogs can't act.
232
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,040
They said that about women, and then
233
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,920
I put on an all-female production
of Julius Caesar at the Donmar
234
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,320
and it was a complete triumph.
235
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,120
Yeah, but dogs really can't act.
236
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,520
I mean, I don't even think
they can talk.
237
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,040
Did you hear what I said?
It's mostly dogs, not all dogs.
238
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,440
That'd be fucking mental!
239
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,120
But you, as a human being
who looks like a dog,
240
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,160
would be perfect to act
alongside the other dogs!
241
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,880
So I just need a couple of actors
who look like dogs.
242
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,120
An older dog, you.
243
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,400
And a young pup.
244
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:16,920
KNOCK ON DOOR
245
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,920
Come in!
246
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,760
Ed sent me. You forgot your pipe.
247
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,920
You'll do. What?
248
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,720
This prick? He's not even an actor!
249
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,100
Perfect.
250
00:11:38,123 --> 00:11:42,123
DOG GRUNTS
251
00:11:42,283 --> 00:11:45,843
Woo-oof!
252
00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:48,843
Did you just bark there as you
reached your vinegar stroke?
253
00:11:48,883 --> 00:11:52,763
Did I? Must have dogs on the brain.
254
00:11:52,803 --> 00:11:56,203
It's Daz bloody Klondyke
and his talking dog play.
255
00:11:56,243 --> 00:11:59,443
How brave of him to do a play with
dogs. Typical Klondyke.
256
00:11:59,483 --> 00:12:01,403
He loves working with non-actors.
257
00:12:01,443 --> 00:12:03,723
And I'm not surprised you're in it,
258
00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:06,283
because you do look exactly like a
dog.
259
00:12:06,323 --> 00:12:08,603
Hmm. New bed, Mrs P?
260
00:12:08,643 --> 00:12:12,643
Yes. Everything's made of
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) blue spruce!
261
00:12:12,723 --> 00:12:15,723
It's all the rage...
All the rage now, yes. I know.
262
00:12:15,763 --> 00:12:18,243
Anyway, I got what I came for.
263
00:12:18,283 --> 00:12:21,523
Charming(!)
Off to rehearse.
264
00:12:21,563 --> 00:12:25,563
Maybe I should pick up
some dog food for lunch?
265
00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:30,243
TOILET FLUSHES
266
00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:34,763
Tummy any better, Ray?
Oh...
267
00:12:34,803 --> 00:12:36,563
Not too good, darling.
268
00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:40,323
Bloody leftover lasagne!
Oh, always makes my guts dance!
269
00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:42,003
Argh!
270
00:12:42,043 --> 00:12:43,563
I need to lie still.
271
00:12:43,603 --> 00:12:45,243
GURGLING
272
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:49,283
I think something's burning.
273
00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:55,803
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
274
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,763
What's this? I thought we were
rehearsing?
275
00:12:58,803 --> 00:13:01,603
Ah, this is the photoshoot for the
poster.
276
00:13:01,643 --> 00:13:03,523
We can rehearse later.
277
00:13:03,563 --> 00:13:07,203
More important to drum up business
for the show with a sexy poster.
278
00:13:07,243 --> 00:13:09,483
So who are these? The other actors?
279
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,483
No, they're just models.
280
00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:12,843
No-one gives a fuck who's in
281
00:13:12,883 --> 00:13:15,043
Shakespeare as long as everyone
looks good
282
00:13:15,083 --> 00:13:16,763
and the posters are eye-catching.
283
00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:20,803
Why don't you take a break?
Come back at, say, 12.30?
284
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:24,843
But that's two hours!
285
00:13:27,803 --> 00:13:31,643
Hello! Hello?
286
00:13:31,683 --> 00:13:33,123
What?
287
00:13:33,163 --> 00:13:35,083
Leic-er-da Square?
288
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:37,843
Leeseter Square? What the fuck are
you talking about?
289
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,443
Ah, er...Leic-er-da Square?
290
00:13:40,483 --> 00:13:42,843
Leester Square, what, do you mean
Leicester Square?
291
00:13:42,883 --> 00:13:44,163
Ah, yes!
292
00:13:44,203 --> 00:13:45,883
Yeah? Yes! Yes!
293
00:13:45,923 --> 00:13:48,363
Why didn't you fucking say that?!
Please,
294
00:13:48,403 --> 00:13:50,603
er, help me? Help you?
295
00:13:50,643 --> 00:13:53,203
Wasted my fucking time when I'm
walking down the street.
296
00:13:53,243 --> 00:13:57,243
It's a disgrace!
297
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,803
What?
298
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:05,723
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
299
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:08,283
What is this, some kind of Roman
orgy?
300
00:14:08,323 --> 00:14:10,043
You need to have a word, please.
301
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,403
I'm really sorry.
I bet you are.
302
00:14:12,443 --> 00:14:15,083
I'm really sorry, it's disturbing
the other customers.
303
00:14:15,123 --> 00:14:19,123
Out!
304
00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:29,443
Excuse me.
305
00:14:29,483 --> 00:14:33,483
MAN: Have a care!
306
00:14:39,603 --> 00:14:43,323
FILM: Is that reception?
The air conditioning's broken.
307
00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:46,363
It's really hot outside.
Could you send someone up?
308
00:14:46,403 --> 00:14:50,403
Right away, please.
309
00:14:53,763 --> 00:14:55,443
Bloody hell...
310
00:14:55,483 --> 00:14:57,323
Oh, God...
...that was quick.
311
00:14:57,363 --> 00:15:00,603
I hope you've got the right tool for
the job, boy?
312
00:15:00,643 --> 00:15:03,923
Oh, I think I've got
everything...covered.
313
00:15:03,963 --> 00:15:07,243
No, no, no, no, no, no.
314
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:10,643
Excuse me.
MAN: Watch it!
315
00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:13,323
Shakespeare's Globe.
316
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:15,443
OK, Act III, Scene 1.
317
00:15:15,483 --> 00:15:18,803
From, "I would play Lord Pandarus
of Phrygia, sir,
318
00:15:18,843 --> 00:15:22,843
"to bring a Cressida to this
Troilus."
319
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,403
In your own time.
320
00:15:27,443 --> 00:15:29,923
HE WHISTLES
321
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,443
Must you do that?
Hm?
322
00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:35,283
Haven't you got some lines to learn
or something? No.
323
00:15:35,323 --> 00:15:37,363
Dazzer says I should just
get a sense of the scene
324
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:40,323
and then sort of allow myself into
it.
325
00:15:40,363 --> 00:15:41,923
Might be something you should look
326
00:15:41,963 --> 00:15:43,603
at, cos, if you don't mind me
saying,
327
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,883
you come across as a bit of an
arsehole.
328
00:15:45,923 --> 00:15:47,763
You what?
329
00:15:47,803 --> 00:15:49,683
Ha...
OK, don't worry.
330
00:15:49,723 --> 00:15:52,643
You will get it.
331
00:15:52,683 --> 00:15:55,883
We're having a few teething problems
with the dogs.
332
00:15:55,923 --> 00:15:59,803
Sorry, fellas, you can take a break.
333
00:15:59,843 --> 00:16:01,283
It's a challenge.
334
00:16:01,323 --> 00:16:03,403
They're dogs, for fuck's sake.
335
00:16:03,443 --> 00:16:05,523
Right.
Now, this is radical.
336
00:16:05,563 --> 00:16:08,083
Your characters, they're kind of
similar, don't you think?
337
00:16:08,123 --> 00:16:10,163
Plus, we never see them together...
No.
338
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,923
...so I'm going to combine them.
339
00:16:11,963 --> 00:16:14,003
You're going to what?
340
00:16:14,043 --> 00:16:15,483
How does it feel in there, guys?
341
00:16:15,523 --> 00:16:16,883
TOAST: Fucking degrading.
342
00:16:16,923 --> 00:16:18,203
KAI: Great.
343
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:19,923
Toast?
344
00:16:19,963 --> 00:16:23,963
TOAST: I said, it's great.
345
00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:28,483
All right, chaps? Dunno whose round
it is, but make mine a large one.
346
00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:32,443
God, it's tiring rehearsing at the
Globe!
347
00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:34,563
Do you want a bone to go with that,
Toast?
348
00:16:34,603 --> 00:16:36,003
LAUGHTER
349
00:16:36,043 --> 00:16:37,723
A bone, what are you talking about?
350
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:39,763
It's all right, fellas, my shout.
351
00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:42,483
Straight glass, Toast,
or would you prefer a bowl?
352
00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:44,443
LAUGHTER
353
00:16:44,483 --> 00:16:46,243
A bowl? What the...?
354
00:16:46,283 --> 00:16:47,843
Woof! Woof!
355
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:51,403
LAUGHTER
356
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:55,443
Oh, my God.
357
00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,523
No! More distortion!
358
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:06,403
I told you, I wanna be able
to smell the disdain!
359
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,243
The audience won't even see my face!
360
00:17:08,283 --> 00:17:10,163
I'm playing the arse end of the dog!
361
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,243
OK, but they will be able to sense
it.
362
00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,963
The people who come to see my show,
they are not idiots.
363
00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:18,523
Look, we are really getting
somewhere, Toast.
364
00:17:18,563 --> 00:17:20,603
The dogs are really getting into it
now.
365
00:17:20,643 --> 00:17:23,083
And this could be
my greatest ever production
366
00:17:23,123 --> 00:17:24,923
and I honestly think could go some
367
00:17:24,963 --> 00:17:27,483
way to solving the problems in the
Middle East.
368
00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:30,083
And, hey, we've still got three
369
00:17:30,123 --> 00:17:33,483
weeks, two days and seven hours to
opening night!
370
00:17:33,523 --> 00:17:37,523
This is going to be fantastic!
371
00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:41,683
Nah, it's no good. Kai, fire the
dogs!
372
00:17:41,723 --> 00:17:44,123
But the dogs are the coolest thing
about it!
373
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:46,283
Of course they weren't, you kangaroo
cunt!
374
00:17:46,323 --> 00:17:48,003
Damn things never listen to me!
375
00:17:48,043 --> 00:17:50,083
It was a crazy idea!
376
00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:52,803
Why didn't you try and stop me?!
377
00:17:52,843 --> 00:17:56,843
Huh?! What? Too busy trying
to get the Globe on your CV?
378
00:17:57,803 --> 00:18:01,803
We could all be ruined,
so if anyone can think of anything,
379
00:18:03,363 --> 00:18:07,363
now would definitely be
the time to step forward.
380
00:18:12,963 --> 00:18:15,603
What?
381
00:18:15,643 --> 00:18:19,643
Well, we are in
an ancient wooden structure.
382
00:18:20,243 --> 00:18:23,723
That desk is made of
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) blue spruce,
383
00:18:23,763 --> 00:18:26,763
which, as you know, is the most
flammable substance known to man.
384
00:18:26,803 --> 00:18:30,163
And the fire brigade are still on
strike.
385
00:18:30,203 --> 00:18:34,203
So, suppose I were to...
386
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:38,123
...lay my lit pipe right there.
387
00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:42,163
What do you think might happen?
388
00:18:42,643 --> 00:18:46,643
Gentlemen, I think we should leave!
389
00:18:52,003 --> 00:18:54,363
TV: British theatrical world
has been reeling
390
00:18:54,403 --> 00:18:57,603
after the world-famous Globe Theatre
burnt down in a fire,
391
00:18:57,643 --> 00:18:59,883
which the police are treating as
arson.
392
00:18:59,923 --> 00:19:03,923
The Globe Theatre is...or was...
393
00:19:04,963 --> 00:19:08,963
...one of the jewels in the crown
of the British theatre community.
394
00:19:09,003 --> 00:19:12,643
I can't believe that an actor would
have done something so dreadful.
395
00:19:12,683 --> 00:19:15,043
I would suspect they won't be
an actor for much longer.
396
00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:16,723
We all love the Globe.
397
00:19:16,763 --> 00:19:19,563
Well, I mean, I've only just heard.
It's absolutely unspeakable.
398
00:19:19,603 --> 00:19:21,403
I, I don't know what to think.
399
00:19:21,443 --> 00:19:23,403
I think every actor in the country
is appalled
400
00:19:23,443 --> 00:19:26,403
that a theatre like the Globe
can go down
401
00:19:26,443 --> 00:19:28,803
all because of one man's vanity.
402
00:19:28,843 --> 00:19:30,963
He's disrespected the craft of
acting,
403
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,883
he's disrespected Shakespeare...
404
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,283
It's appalling.
405
00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:35,603
It's a tragedy.
406
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:38,443
What a wanker.
Utterly pathetic!
407
00:19:38,483 --> 00:19:42,483
Some colossal twat has burnt it down.
408
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:51,243
Argh! Jane!
409
00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:55,163
What the bloody hell were you
thinking, Toast?! You clownish pyro!
410
00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:59,043
Now, hang on...
Shut up! Arsonist!
411
00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:00,963
Steven Gonville Toast,
412
00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:04,043
the man who never performed at the
Globe Theatre,
413
00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:07,683
then, in a fit of jealousy,
burnt the bloody thing down!
414
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:11,003
No, it didn't happen like that...
But that's what they'll say.
415
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:14,163
The Globe's been there since 1599!
416
00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:17,283
What were you scared of?
Getting a bad review?
417
00:20:17,323 --> 00:20:19,283
No! When other actors get bad
reviews,
418
00:20:19,323 --> 00:20:22,523
their reaction is not normally
to burn down the theatre.
419
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:24,963
You're lucky we were able
to blame young Kai.
420
00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:27,123
God rest his soul.
421
00:20:27,163 --> 00:20:29,523
But you won't be able to
weasel out of this one, Toast,
422
00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:32,883
because everyone in the business
knows it was you!
423
00:20:32,923 --> 00:20:34,763
It wasn't like that!
424
00:20:34,803 --> 00:20:36,403
Poor Daz Klondyke.
425
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,123
Got his leg caught
under a burning beam.
426
00:20:39,163 --> 00:20:41,483
He may never walk again.
427
00:20:41,523 --> 00:20:45,323
Who cares? You burnt down the Globe!
428
00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:49,363
Thus almost causing the second Great
Fire of London.
429
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:54,843
I'll probably never work again.
430
00:20:54,883 --> 00:20:57,243
Why are you holding a letter aloft,
Jane?
431
00:20:57,283 --> 00:21:00,043
It's for you. It was delivered
personally this afternoon.
432
00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:02,443
What is it? It's a fine.
433
00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:03,803
A fine? For how much?
434
00:21:03,843 --> 00:21:05,843
?1,000.
435
00:21:05,883 --> 00:21:08,803
But that's all the money I have!
Who's it from?
436
00:21:08,843 --> 00:21:10,723
The PC Police.
437
00:21:10,763 --> 00:21:12,483
What, they actually exist?
438
00:21:12,523 --> 00:21:14,723
Of course they bloody exist!
They're everywhere!
439
00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:17,003
What's the fine for?
440
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:21,043
Throwing disabled audience members
out of a recording.
441
00:21:21,603 --> 00:21:25,603
Oh... Abusing a foreign tourist on
the street.
442
00:21:28,723 --> 00:21:32,723
Complaining about a woman
breast-feeding in public.
443
00:21:34,483 --> 00:21:38,403
And being seen
going into a porn theatre.
444
00:21:38,443 --> 00:21:41,083
Well, that's it. I'm finished.
445
00:21:41,123 --> 00:21:44,603
Ooh, and, um...one more thing.
446
00:21:44,643 --> 00:21:46,643
HEAVY GUITAR CHORD
447
00:21:46,683 --> 00:21:49,683
For 50 years
I've stared at your face...
448
00:21:49,723 --> 00:21:51,803
25, actually.
449
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:55,363
# I've listened to your shit
with good grace
450
00:21:55,403 --> 00:21:59,403
# But I really cannot take any more
451
00:21:59,723 --> 00:22:03,723
# It's time to take your face
off the wall!
452
00:22:05,003 --> 00:22:09,003
# No! Please don't take
my face off the wall!
453
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:14,203
# If you do
then I'll have nothing at all
454
00:22:15,723 --> 00:22:19,723
# I beg you, Jane
I plead, I implore
455
00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:24,283
So please don't take
my face off the wall!
456
00:22:27,243 --> 00:22:29,043
Would you like this?
457
00:22:29,083 --> 00:22:32,323
Or shall I throw it straight in the
bin?
458
00:22:32,363 --> 00:22:36,363
You can't fire me, Jane.
Apart from Ed, you're all I have!
459
00:22:36,403 --> 00:22:40,403
Well, then maybe Ed can
get you a job?
460
00:22:40,563 --> 00:22:44,563
GLASS SHATTERS
461
00:22:48,443 --> 00:22:52,443
It's quite urgent. So could you send
someone straight away, please?
462
00:22:52,923 --> 00:22:55,803
Thank you.
463
00:22:55,843 --> 00:22:58,123
Blimey, that was quick!
464
00:22:58,163 --> 00:23:02,163
The boss said was a two-man job,
so I brought my assistant.
465
00:23:02,603 --> 00:23:05,763
He's a virgin.
466
00:23:05,803 --> 00:23:09,003
Cut! Toast, look excited!
467
00:23:09,043 --> 00:23:12,123
I wanna smell the excitement!
468
00:23:12,163 --> 00:23:14,963
Toast, more, more, more!
469
00:23:15,003 --> 00:23:19,003
More...!
470
00:23:19,053 --> 00:23:23,603
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