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1
00:00:03,100 --> 00:00:06,500
Are you fucking deaf?
2
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,940
I said, are you fucking deaf?
3
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:14,250
If you are, then you may be thinking
of investing in a digital hearing aid.
4
00:00:14,340 --> 00:00:17,580
Audio Clear hearing aids
are discreet and...
5
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:18,860
Is this for real?
6
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,100
What's up, Steven?
7
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:22,300
Well, there's swearing
in this advert.
8
00:00:22,340 --> 00:00:23,900
All kinds of effin' and jeffin'.
9
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:26,580
Are you really allowed to
broadcast this on the radio? I mean,
10
00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:28,860
even Channel 4 doesn't have
swearing in their adverts.
11
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,500
Anything goes these days.
It's the 21st century, my friend.
12
00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:35,060
Oh, God, yeah.
No taboos left anywhere any more.
13
00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:36,820
OK, let's crack on.
14
00:00:36,860 --> 00:00:40,860
Actually, I've gotta go, so I'll see
you next week, Steven, yeah?
15
00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:43,100
KISSING
16
00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:47,140
QUIETLY: What the blazes
is this ritual?
17
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:55,580
IMITATES GUNSHOT
18
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:58,300
Where's that clown off to?
To see his therapist.
19
00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:00,620
His therapist?!
Ha, that doesn't surprise me.
20
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,500
Danny's considering
a sex-change operation.
21
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,020
A sex-change operation?
Yeah, it's mostly because he thinks
22
00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,380
his clothes'll suit him better
if he's a woman.
23
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,140
Just something he's been
mulling over for a while.
24
00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,060
SNORTS
Talking to a therapist about it.
25
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:13,780
Well, I've heard everything.
26
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:16,180
Sex-change operations,
swearing in adverts -
27
00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,820
these really are the last days
of Sodom.
28
00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,020
Try that line again there, Steven?
29
00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,660
Yeah.
30
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:26,660
Audio Clear hearing aids are discreet
and fit snugly into the ear.
31
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:30,100
Check out our website today
for details.
32
00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:34,140
How the fuck was that?
33
00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,340
Nuts. Do you remember?
34
00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:05,180
That musical you did about the...
the horrors of mental illness.
35
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:08,100
Ugh, probably the worst
production I've ever been in.
36
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:11,740
Yes, you've been in more than
your fair share of bad productions.
37
00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:14,380
Yeah, Ray Purchase was in that.
38
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:17,700
Played an out-of-control
schizophrenic called Magpie
39
00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:20,540
and used that as an excuse
to pinch everyone's fags.
40
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:23,340
And I swore I'd never work with him
again.
41
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:26,780
Yes, do you remember you opened
the trapdoor on stage
42
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,340
and he fell right through?
43
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,660
LAUGHS
Yes, he did!
44
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:33,500
I will make my nest.
I will be happy.
45
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:34,620
TRAPDOOR OPENS
46
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:38,060
AUDIENCE GASPS
Argh!
47
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:41,140
People told me he'd broken his back
but he hadn't.
48
00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:44,260
Just his arm and his collarbone.
49
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:45,620
Yes.
50
00:02:45,660 --> 00:02:49,660
Anyway, while I'm here, any news
on my Dickie Davies biopic audition?
51
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:53,780
Dickie Davies audition...
52
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:55,660
That was a no.
53
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:58,700
A no?! How can it be a no, Jane?
54
00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:02,260
I look exactly like him.
Ooh, now, this is really big news!
55
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,660
The Royal Variety Performance
people have been on.
56
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:07,620
They'd like you to take part
this year, in the newly
57
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,700
reopened Regency Theatre.
58
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:13,060
The Regency Theatre?
Isn't that now a Chicken Paradise?
59
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:17,100
Yes, it was in a dreadful state,
but then a lot of showbiz folk
60
00:03:17,220 --> 00:03:20,420
got together to buy it back
and refurbish it.
61
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:22,700
I'm not doing
the Royal Variety Performance, Jane.
62
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:25,780
All charity work is a complete
waste of time and money,
63
00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:27,860
and usually does more harm than good.
64
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,380
Remember Live Aid?
65
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:33,420
They'd like you to perform
the Amazing Egyptian Sand Dance,
66
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,940
made famous in the 1930s.
67
00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:39,020
The bloody Sand Dance?
I've not done that for years.
68
00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:40,380
LAUGHS
69
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:44,380
Hold on a second, you need two
performers for that routine.
70
00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,660
Yes, so I suggested, erm...
71
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,260
What, Ray bloody Purchase?
72
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:52,380
I told you two seconds ago, I never
wanted to work with him again.
73
00:03:52,420 --> 00:03:54,900
Did you?
Well, maybe not two seconds,
74
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,180
but certainly in
the very recent past.
75
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,700
OK, OK, I shall demand
they don't ask Ray Purchase
76
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,980
to perform with you.
That'll be an absolute nonstarter.
77
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:06,900
Ah, I'm not doing any charity work,
Jane, for anyone, ever.
78
00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:08,980
Oh, here's a thing...
79
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:10,660
Kevin Spacey'll be there.
80
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,580
Who?
Kevin Spacey?
81
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:16,620
Major actor, director
and big player in Hollywood.
82
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:20,780
He's become very immersed
in the whole London scene.
83
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:23,700
Rumour has it, he's looking
for someone to play
84
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:26,500
the British attache in the new
series of the House Of Cards.
85
00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,300
I'll do it.
86
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,220
This charity event, count me in.
87
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,780
You've changed your tune, Toast.
88
00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:34,580
All a waste of time and money
a second ago.
89
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,820
Obviously I know who Kevin Spacey is.
90
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,780
I just said "who" to give me
some time to think about the offer.
91
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,220
British attache? Hmm!
92
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:46,260
Yes, yes, House of Cards,
I'll be splendid in that.
93
00:04:46,540 --> 00:04:49,060
Ever seen it? No.
94
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:53,100
Anyway, who's presenting at this
Royal Variety Performance?
95
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:54,620
Bob Monkhouse!
96
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:55,740
Isn't he dead?
97
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:59,780
No! Why does everybody say that?
Bob is very much alive.
98
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,380
He's just got remarried, in fact.
99
00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:04,540
Apparently his new wife's
a complete zombie.
100
00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:07,180
Anyway, I'll tell them you're on
board.
101
00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:11,220
India, Royal Variety -
patch me through.
102
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,780
I hate the Royal Variety Performance
103
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:17,980
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
he's bound to cast me
104
00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:22,020
as the British attache in the new
series of House Of Cards.
105
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,220
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading
a review of the revival
106
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,380
of The Government Inspector
at the Lyric.
107
00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:31,060
It's not very good.
108
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:34,420
I was saying, I mean, I hate
the Royal Variety Performance,
109
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,500
but if Kevin Spacey sees me in it,
110
00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:40,540
he's bound to cast me
as the British attache.
111
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:45,140
Sorry, Toast, I was just reading a
review of the revival of Abigail's Party
112
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:46,620
at the Young Vic.
113
00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,860
Not very good.
114
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:53,180
I was saying, I hate the Royal
Variety Performance, but if... Oh!
115
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:57,220
Hang on, old chap,
I was reading that!
116
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,300
DOOR CREAKS
117
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,740
Who the hell is that?
118
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:07,780
That'll be for me.
119
00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:12,180
Here's your magazines, Ed.
120
00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:17,300
What is it, Ed?
121
00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:18,940
It's some copies of Woman's Realm.
122
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,900
Woman's Realm?
I didn't think that was still going.
123
00:06:21,940 --> 00:06:24,740
It isn't. These are vintage copies.
It's very hard to find.
124
00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:26,340
I'm a bit of a collector.
125
00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:29,500
Well, isn't it just knitting patterns
for old ladies?
126
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:30,580
Oh, yes.
127
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:33,060
Oh, God! Who delivered them?
128
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:35,060
John Nettles?
No, he does Titbits.
129
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,860
This is a chap called Larry Muggins.
130
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:39,860
Anything you want, he can find.
Probably at a discount price.
131
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,940
Really?
Oh, yes.
132
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:43,700
Yes, anything from a rare edition
of a Ken Follett novel
133
00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:45,940
to a sex-change operation.
134
00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:47,540
Sex-change operation?!
135
00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:48,660
Oh, yes.
136
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,700
Well, that idiot Danny Bear
at Scramble Studios
137
00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:53,100
was talking about getting
a sex-change operation.
138
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:55,180
Reckoned it would suit his clothes.
139
00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:58,100
Oh, this chap Muggins can
probably organise it for him.
140
00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:00,260
And there's likely to be a queue
for the op at the NHS.
141
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,700
I can put in a word, if you like?
142
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,980
Well, you know, why not?
It's no odds to me.
143
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:07,860
So, who's hosting the
Royal Variety Performance this year?
144
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:08,900
Bob Monkhouse.
145
00:07:08,940 --> 00:07:11,020
Bob Monkhouse?!
146
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:12,900
Thanks for coming, old chap.
147
00:07:12,940 --> 00:07:15,260
With a name like Toast,
I thought you'd pop up.
148
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,940
OTHERS LAUGH
Glad you decided to become involved.
149
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:20,460
Jane said you don't usually
do any charity work.
150
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:24,500
Not true at all.
You're thinking of Dickie Davies.
151
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,500
Weather's been very warm, hasn't it?
Especially at nights.
152
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,100
These days,
I love to sleep in the nude.
153
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:35,140
Not a bad thing, except of course
on those really long flights.
154
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,140
OTHERS LAUGH
What?
155
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:40,780
Anyway, meet the organising committee
before we go down to the theatre.
156
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:42,980
Hello, Dennis Fog.
Dense Fog?
157
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:44,540
No, Dennis Fog.
158
00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:45,980
Sorry, nice to meet you.
159
00:07:46,020 --> 00:07:47,140
Hello, Derek Bildings.
160
00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:48,820
Derelict Buildings?
161
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,300
No, Derek Bildings.
162
00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:52,340
Sorry, nice to meet you.
163
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:53,620
Hello, er, Shane Fulorgy.
164
00:07:53,660 --> 00:07:54,740
Shameful Orgy?
165
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:56,100
Shane Fulorgy.
166
00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,060
Sorry, nice to meet you.
167
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,620
I never wanted to believe my dad
was stealing from his job
168
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:04,180
as a road worker, but when I got
home all the signs were there!
169
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,580
OTHERS LAUGH
170
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,660
Anyway, I just wanna say, er,
how it warms my heart
171
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:13,700
that so many top turns are willing
to give their time to charity.
172
00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:17,220
Ray bloody Purchase.
173
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:21,260
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Steven Toast.
174
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,660
Tell us more about your substantial
charity work, Toast.
175
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,540
I'd love to hear about it.
176
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:30,460
I specifically told Jane I never
wanted to work with you again.
177
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,060
Well, tough tit, Toast.
178
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,980
Steven Toast, everyone.
He'll buy you a pint with one hand
179
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:38,220
and sleep with your wife
with the other.
180
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:40,060
Why don't you shut up and sit down?
181
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:41,940
Here's a thing I've noticed.
182
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,100
People seem to think
I come from Kent.
183
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:47,420
I hear them
mutter the word as I walk past!
184
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,500
What?
I'm really looking forward to this.
185
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:51,420
You know Kevin Spacey's
gonna be there?
186
00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:52,660
I didn't know that.
187
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,220
Yes, you did.
188
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,500
I know for a fact that Jane Plough
told you about it.
189
00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:59,740
She texted me, she e-mailed me,
she wrote me a postcard, she told me
190
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:02,300
to my face that she definitely,
definitely told you about it.
191
00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:05,460
Did she? Well, I must have forgotten.
192
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:08,380
And we've just heard this morning
that Prince Charles
193
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,820
and his delightful wife,
Camilla Parker Bowles,
194
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:12,900
are also coming along.
195
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:14,940
Now, I think it would be
a terrific idea to present them
196
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:16,540
with a souvenir of the occasion.
197
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:17,940
Who wants to look after that?
198
00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:21,540
I think Toast should be
in charge of securing
199
00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:23,380
the gift for the royal couple.
200
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:26,060
Really?
Yes, great idea.
201
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,180
Talking of royals,
202
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:31,180
do you know what happened during
Kate Middleton's wedding night?
203
00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:34,900
No.
She was held against her Will.
204
00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:36,420
What?
Gosh, is that the time?
205
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,060
We need to get down to the stage
to rehearse.
206
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,660
Right, chaps, we'll take the lift,
there's too many stairs.
207
00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,000
Come along, darling.
208
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:59,020
SNARLS
209
00:10:02,140 --> 00:10:06,140
EXHALES NERVOUSLY
210
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:11,300
GRUNTS
211
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,345
Sorry, Mrs P, I can't get
212
00:10:19,425 --> 00:10:22,650
Bob Monkhouse's zombie
wife's face out of my head.
213
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:25,300
I thought Bob Monkhouse was dead?
214
00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:29,340
No, he's very much alive.
As is his wife.
215
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,740
Well, technically she's dead.
216
00:10:31,780 --> 00:10:33,180
Living dead, surely?
217
00:10:33,220 --> 00:10:36,820
Anyway, Monkhouse
did a very strange thing.
218
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:40,300
He kept telling these stories that
were unconnected to anything
219
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,180
and then everyone would laugh.
220
00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:44,860
Well, they're probably jokes.
221
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:45,900
Jokes?!
222
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:49,140
Yes, Monkhouse is famous
for telling jokes all the time.
223
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,660
SCOFFS
WHOOSHING ON SCREEN
224
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:53,340
What are you doing, Mrs P?
225
00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:55,180
Mm, it's my new job.
226
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:57,540
You've got a job?
BEEPING
227
00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:58,900
What the hell is it?
228
00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:00,900
Operating drones
for the US military.
229
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,500
Really?
Yes.
230
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:04,260
You know, it's perfect for me,
actually,
231
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:05,620
because I can work from home.
232
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:07,860
Do you know, depending on how many
missiles I launch,
233
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,780
I can earn up to 30 quid a day.
234
00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:13,380
Drones for the US military?
Mm-hm.
235
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:15,140
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, I'd better get that.
236
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:17,340
Do you want a go? It's very easy.
237
00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:19,420
You just move this cursor,
238
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:21,820
then when you select your target,
you press this key here.
239
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,540
Right.
240
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:26,380
Oh, and only blow up the houses
on the left-hand side of the road,
241
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:27,900
not the houses on the right.
242
00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:29,820
Gotcha.
BEEPING
243
00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:31,300
WHOOSHING
244
00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,340
Direct hit!
245
00:11:32,380 --> 00:11:35,100
WHOOSHING
And another.
246
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,820
I'm very good at this,
if I don't mind saying.
247
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:41,700
Oh, hope there was nobody home!
248
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:42,900
Having fun?
249
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:45,340
Yes, it's quite addictive,
isn't it? Mmm.
250
00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:47,740
WHOOSHING
Oh.
251
00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:48,780
What?
252
00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:51,460
Did I say blow up the houses
on the left-hand side?
253
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,620
Yes.
254
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:55,540
I meant the houses on the right.
255
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:59,580
Well, I've blown a hell of a lot up
on the left.
256
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:02,900
Oh, well, it'll probably be fine.
257
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:06,100
I imagine no-one'll notice.
No.
258
00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:10,140
Oh!
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
259
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:12,540
Which one of you lads
is looking for a sex change?
260
00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,140
You, is it?
261
00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:15,420
No, it's me, actually.
262
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,460
What's your budget?
263
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,660
How much do you wanna spend on it?
264
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:22,060
Well, it's quite serious,
a sex-change operation. I mean,
265
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,740
it's not really the type
of thing you can cut corners on.
266
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:24,940
So what are you looking at?
267
00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:28,980
Well, I got a quote from an established,
specialist surgeon, ?4,000.
268
00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:32,900
Jesus, ?4,000 for a sex change?
269
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:35,340
Sure, I do more or less
the same thing for 50 quid.
270
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,580
50 quid?
All I need's a level surface
271
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:38,849
and a bucket for drainage.
272
00:12:38,929 --> 00:12:41,340
And I'll throw in for free,
disposal of body parts.
273
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,940
Right, well, as I say,
it's quite a big operation,
274
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,020
so I'm gonna need to know
everything's all above board.
275
00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:48,260
There's a full guarantee
going with it. Oh.
276
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,620
And 50 quid, no hidden charges.
277
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:53,100
Honestly, you'd be mad
to spend ?4,000 on a sex change.
278
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:57,140
All those twisters in Harley Street,
ripping off naive transgenders.
279
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,860
For that amount of cash,
we could change you into a llama.
280
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:03,900
Are you serious, a full sex-change
operation for 50 quid?
281
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:08,100
Yeah. Unless you want to pay
the VAT on top of it!
282
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:10,980
All right.
283
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,100
OK, yes!
284
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:16,260
Hope I don't live to regret this!
285
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,000
Can we start now?
286
00:13:23,377 --> 00:13:24,977
How are you feeling, Danny?
287
00:13:25,017 --> 00:13:26,217
Well, I'm a bit nervous,
to be honest.
288
00:13:26,257 --> 00:13:27,817
You never had a sex-change operation
before, huh?
289
00:13:27,857 --> 00:13:29,217
Er, no.
290
00:13:29,257 --> 00:13:33,257
Ah, you've nothing to worry about.
291
00:13:35,497 --> 00:13:38,417
So what's in this plastic bag?
A pair of tits.
292
00:13:38,457 --> 00:13:40,777
Ah, yes...very interesting.
293
00:13:40,817 --> 00:13:42,897
What are you doing here?
I'm the intermediary, Larry.
294
00:13:42,937 --> 00:13:45,777
Instrumental in bringing
both parties together.
295
00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:48,657
You don't mind if I stay
and watch, do you?
296
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,937
It'll cost you a tenner.
297
00:13:50,977 --> 00:13:51,977
OK.
298
00:13:52,017 --> 00:13:54,577
Look, I'm really not sure about all
this.
299
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,257
Having cold feet, are you, Danny?
Well, you should have said
300
00:13:56,297 --> 00:13:57,657
something before now,
instead of leaving
301
00:13:57,697 --> 00:13:59,457
it to Muggins here to sort out!
D'you know what?
302
00:13:59,497 --> 00:14:01,297
I think I'm gonna give it a miss.
What?
303
00:14:01,337 --> 00:14:02,777
The operation.
I think I'm gonna give it a miss.
304
00:14:02,817 --> 00:14:05,017
Is it because you don't want
to lose the moustache?
305
00:14:05,057 --> 00:14:06,137
We could probably keep that.
306
00:14:06,177 --> 00:14:08,577
That Eurovision winner looked great.
She had a full beard.
307
00:14:08,617 --> 00:14:11,337
Look, sorry, do you know what?
I've changed my mind.
308
00:14:11,377 --> 00:14:12,417
I went for a budget option
309
00:14:12,457 --> 00:14:15,137
and I really should have gone through
a more traditional medical route,
310
00:14:15,177 --> 00:14:18,377
like with a proper surgeon
and, you know, hospital.
311
00:14:18,417 --> 00:14:19,977
Well, it's no skin off my nose,
312
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:21,577
but I'm gonna have to keep
the 50 squid.
313
00:14:21,617 --> 00:14:23,657
Yep. OK, fine.
You can keep the pair of tits.
314
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,297
Well, I don't think I'm gonna
need them now.
315
00:14:25,337 --> 00:14:27,777
Er, can I have them?
316
00:14:27,817 --> 00:14:31,817
SCOFFS
317
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:40,897
Ah!
318
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:45,297
Enjoying yourself, Ed?
319
00:14:45,337 --> 00:14:46,697
Yes.
320
00:14:46,737 --> 00:14:50,737
Yes. So the Royal Variety
Performance, huh?
321
00:14:50,777 --> 00:14:53,417
I'm looking forward to it
and I'll tune in. Are you nervous?
322
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,937
Nah, who cares? It's a charity event.
323
00:14:55,977 --> 00:14:59,577
All I know is that when
Kevin Spacey sees my Sand Dance,
324
00:14:59,617 --> 00:15:03,617
he'll be so impressed, he's bound to
offer me the House Of Cards attache.
325
00:15:03,657 --> 00:15:05,457
Well, best of luck with that.
Downside is,
326
00:15:05,497 --> 00:15:07,977
I have to share the stage with
Ray bloody Purchase again.
327
00:15:08,017 --> 00:15:10,457
Well, I hope he doesn't fall through
the trapdoor this time.
328
00:15:10,497 --> 00:15:11,777
LAUGHS
329
00:15:11,817 --> 00:15:14,537
Did you manage to look
at those plastic tits?
330
00:15:14,577 --> 00:15:17,257
Yes, yes, I did.
331
00:15:17,297 --> 00:15:20,137
You see, I don't know how Muggins
would have grafted these
332
00:15:20,177 --> 00:15:23,337
onto your friend without
a severe risk of blood poisoning.
333
00:15:23,377 --> 00:15:25,817
Paul Gascoigne used to wear these
the whole time.
334
00:15:25,857 --> 00:15:28,337
It's very disappointing.
335
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:30,017
Well, what the hell
were you expecting?
336
00:15:30,057 --> 00:15:32,737
Oh, I dunno.
Something a bit less tacky.
337
00:15:32,777 --> 00:15:35,017
Something a bit more, you know,
va-va-voom.
338
00:15:35,057 --> 00:15:36,977
SCOFFS
339
00:15:37,017 --> 00:15:39,817
You are very peculiar, Ed.
You can have them if you want.
340
00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:43,097
I don't want them. Unless...
341
00:15:43,137 --> 00:15:44,697
Unless what?
342
00:15:44,737 --> 00:15:46,897
Well, Tom Jones has just
been added to the bill
343
00:15:46,937 --> 00:15:48,937
at the Royal Variety Performance.
344
00:15:48,977 --> 00:15:52,137
A pair of plastic tits may be just
the kind of thing he'd like.
345
00:15:52,177 --> 00:15:56,177
Yes, good thinking! Tom Jones would
love a pair of comedy plastic tits.
346
00:15:56,777 --> 00:16:00,777
I think he would. Right, I'm off.
347
00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:04,457
If I were you, I'd find another
lodger, as I say goodbye, Ed,
348
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,137
hello, House Of Cards.
349
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:11,177
# You're so deluded, Toast
It makes me sad
350
00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:17,177
You'll never get the break
that you want so bad.
351
00:16:18,897 --> 00:16:22,577
What?!
352
00:16:22,617 --> 00:16:26,617
# How dare you, my friend?
353
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:32,697
# Pity me when I know
354
00:16:34,257 --> 00:16:36,537
# I'm a joke
355
00:16:36,577 --> 00:16:39,537
# I'll suffer scorn
356
00:16:39,577 --> 00:16:43,577
# And I'll wear this crown of thorns
357
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:47,737
# It is clear that I'll die
358
00:16:50,257 --> 00:16:54,257
# Having lived inside a lie
359
00:16:55,377 --> 00:16:59,377
It's true.
360
00:17:02,217 --> 00:17:05,577
Look, Toast, you need to bring
your A game to the table.
361
00:17:05,617 --> 00:17:09,537
We're not doing the conga or
the Agadoo, this is the Sand Dance!
362
00:17:09,577 --> 00:17:11,297
There's 100 years of musical history
363
00:17:11,337 --> 00:17:13,297
and I'm not gonna let you
piss about with it!
364
00:17:13,337 --> 00:17:15,257
Who cares?
365
00:17:15,297 --> 00:17:19,297
Who cares? I care!
366
00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:20,977
Monkhouse cares!
367
00:17:21,017 --> 00:17:24,377
Well, I think your Sand Dance
is gonna be sensational, chaps.
368
00:17:24,417 --> 00:17:26,297
The old ones really are the best.
369
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:30,337
Talking of old ones, fellas,
do you know I still enjoy sex at 74?
370
00:17:30,697 --> 00:17:32,737
I live at 76, it's no distance.
371
00:17:32,777 --> 00:17:35,457
LAUGHS
372
00:17:35,497 --> 00:17:36,497
What?
373
00:17:36,537 --> 00:17:40,537
APPLAUSE, JAUNTY MUSIC
374
00:19:07,097 --> 00:19:11,097
APPLAUSE
375
00:19:14,777 --> 00:19:18,777
That's marvellous! The terrific Ray
Purchase, there, and Steven Toast.
376
00:19:19,137 --> 00:19:21,937
Now, we're very lucky to welcome
some very special guests here tonight -
377
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:24,217
His Royal Highness,
the Prince of Wales
378
00:19:24,257 --> 00:19:25,657
and the Duchess of Cornwall.
379
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,337
APPLAUSE
380
00:19:28,377 --> 00:19:30,097
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?
381
00:19:30,137 --> 00:19:31,497
What?
382
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,297
What did you get
Charles and Camilla?
383
00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:35,297
You were supposed to
give them a gift, remember?
384
00:19:35,337 --> 00:19:37,057
Oh, shit.
385
00:19:37,097 --> 00:19:40,817
Oh, you forgot, didn't you?
You bloody idiot!
386
00:19:40,857 --> 00:19:44,297
Well done, Toast.
Terrific work, very moving.
387
00:19:44,337 --> 00:19:46,657
I got a real sense of Egypt.
388
00:19:46,697 --> 00:19:48,017
Did you see Spacey?
389
00:19:48,057 --> 00:19:49,817
Yes, he was in the middle
of the front row.
390
00:19:49,857 --> 00:19:52,417
I was sitting right behind him,
he was clapping all the way through.
391
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:53,577
LAUGHS
392
00:19:53,617 --> 00:19:55,137
Hollywood, here I come!
Aah...
393
00:19:55,177 --> 00:19:58,337
Ah, Toast.
The royal couple are almost here.
394
00:19:58,377 --> 00:20:01,417
Did you get them a present?
I hope you didn't forget.
395
00:20:01,457 --> 00:20:03,777
He did forget,
because he's a complete cunt!
396
00:20:03,817 --> 00:20:05,817
Mind the language, Purchase.
Sorry, Bob.
397
00:20:05,857 --> 00:20:09,857
This is bloody serious, Toast!
Sometimes the joking has to stop!
398
00:20:09,977 --> 00:20:12,897
Ah, your Royal Highnesses,
this is Steven Toast.
399
00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,257
Ah, Toast.
He has a gift for you,
400
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,577
which he'd like to present
401
00:20:15,617 --> 00:20:18,897
on behalf of the
Friends of the Regency Theatre.
402
00:20:18,937 --> 00:20:21,657
Oh.
403
00:20:21,697 --> 00:20:25,697
RUSTLING
404
00:20:33,097 --> 00:20:35,257
GASPS
A pair of tits!
405
00:20:35,297 --> 00:20:36,377
A pair of tits.
406
00:20:36,417 --> 00:20:37,457
A pair of tits?
407
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:38,817
They're not real tits, though.
408
00:20:38,857 --> 00:20:42,857
They're just plastic ones,
like Paul Gascoigne used to wear.
409
00:20:43,337 --> 00:20:47,337
COUGHING
410
00:20:50,057 --> 00:20:51,977
Er, a man went to the doctor
for a checkup.
411
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:54,337
The doctor says, "I have some very
bad news, you're going to die."
412
00:20:54,377 --> 00:20:55,617
God.
413
00:20:55,657 --> 00:20:57,417
The man says,
"How long am I gonna live?"
414
00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:01,457
The doctor said, "Ten."
The man said, "What, months, weeks?"
415
00:21:01,857 --> 00:21:05,417
The doctor said, "No...
Nine, eight, seven..."
416
00:21:05,457 --> 00:21:08,057
Aagh!
Monkhouse!
417
00:21:08,097 --> 00:21:09,457
Toast!
418
00:21:09,497 --> 00:21:12,777
Ha!
419
00:21:12,817 --> 00:21:16,497
Oh, whose are these?
Bloody hilarious, man!
420
00:21:16,537 --> 00:21:18,257
What do you think, Charlie?
421
00:21:18,297 --> 00:21:21,377
LAUGHS
422
00:21:21,417 --> 00:21:25,017
Really unwise of you, Toast,
to open that trapdoor.
423
00:21:25,057 --> 00:21:28,657
Bob is dead,
rather like his zombie wife.
424
00:21:28,697 --> 00:21:30,537
So is Bob Monkhouse now a zombie?
425
00:21:30,577 --> 00:21:32,497
This is no time to discuss
426
00:21:32,537 --> 00:21:35,737
whether Bob Monkhouse
is now a zombie like his wife.
427
00:21:35,777 --> 00:21:39,777
You can kiss goodbye to any ideas
of an MBE or CBE after your name.
428
00:21:40,777 --> 00:21:44,097
DOA, more likely,
and as for a knighthood, huh!
429
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:47,417
But Kevin Spacey. What about him?
I mean, he loved my performance.
430
00:21:47,457 --> 00:21:50,977
Any word?
431
00:21:51,017 --> 00:21:52,937
Kevin Spacey, Jane!
432
00:21:52,977 --> 00:21:56,217
Oh, I may have made a slight error
on that one, Toast.
433
00:21:56,257 --> 00:21:58,817
Oh, God. What?!
434
00:21:58,857 --> 00:22:02,177
Well, you know I said I was
sitting behind him in the theatre?
435
00:22:02,217 --> 00:22:05,497
Yes, you were sat behind him, while
he was adoring my performance, and...?
436
00:22:05,537 --> 00:22:07,977
Well, I presumed it
was Kevin Spacey,
437
00:22:08,017 --> 00:22:12,017
but I subsequently discovered it was
actually the comedian Bob Mortimer.
438
00:22:12,777 --> 00:22:13,937
Who?
439
00:22:13,977 --> 00:22:17,977
Bob Mortimer? He does look very
like Spacey, especially from behind.
440
00:22:20,657 --> 00:22:23,857
GROWLS
441
00:22:23,897 --> 00:22:27,897
LULLABY
442
00:22:37,777 --> 00:22:39,057
Better?
443
00:22:39,097 --> 00:22:41,817
So what the shit happened with
Spacey?
444
00:22:41,857 --> 00:22:45,417
Well, apparently he went to Afghanistan
on a humanitarian mission.
445
00:22:45,457 --> 00:22:47,777
Unlike you, he does
a lot of work for charity.
446
00:22:47,817 --> 00:22:49,977
So he was visiting some good Afghans
447
00:22:50,017 --> 00:22:52,097
who live on the left-hand side
of the road...
448
00:22:52,137 --> 00:22:54,377
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
449
00:22:54,417 --> 00:22:58,337
As opposed to Afghans that live on
the right-hand side of the road?
450
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,577
Oh, the bad Afghans live
on the right-hand side of the road.
451
00:23:01,617 --> 00:23:02,977
I see. Anyway,
452
00:23:03,017 --> 00:23:05,457
nobody's heard from him in days.
453
00:23:05,497 --> 00:23:07,457
I do hope he turns up again.
454
00:23:07,497 --> 00:23:10,097
DOOR CLOSES
455
00:23:10,137 --> 00:23:11,817
Toast...
456
00:23:11,867 --> 00:23:16,417
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