Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
2
00:00:02,050 --> 00:00:08,060
Remember, check out giveusajob.biz
and find a new career, today.
3
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,180
Phone us on... That's great, Steven.
That's literally it. What?
4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:12,660
You don't want me to finish it?
5
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,820
There's no phone number.
It just stops.
6
00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:15,980
All good, buddy.
7
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,820
It's half an advert. It's a bit
bloody peculiar, isn't it?
8
00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:21,500
Hello, Steven, this is
Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?
9
00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:23,340
Shut up, I'm talking
to the grown-up.
10
00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:25,620
Who the hell wants half
an advert? Honestly, Steven.
11
00:00:25,660 --> 00:00:27,900
Don't worry. It's just a demo
for some new client.
12
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,700
It probably won't go
anywhere, anyway.
13
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:31,660
What the hell
are you talking about?
14
00:00:31,700 --> 00:00:33,900
Steven, look, we've really
got to wrap this up
15
00:00:33,940 --> 00:00:36,260
and crack on with another session.
TEXT ALERT
16
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,580
Is that Colin? Yeah, yeah.
He's waiting outside.
17
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,900
All right, all right.
18
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:42,340
I suppose I'll see you two
next Thursday.
19
00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:43,940
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
20
00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:45,660
Actually, Steven... What?
21
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:48,100
Would you mind showing
Colin in on your way out?
22
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,300
Only, I don't think
he's been here before.
23
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:54,340
TOAST GROANS
24
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:58,380
It's just through there.
I think they're expecting you.
25
00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:02,060
I know where it is,
thank you, big boy.
26
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:06,100
LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
27
00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:11,860
God, I thought he'd never leave.
He's such a dick!
28
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,540
What the...?
29
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:15,180
Are you sure he's gone? Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,220
Just going to play some of the guide
through your headphones. OK.
31
00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:21,620
'Find a better job...' Got it.
32
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:24,140
Are we rolling?
33
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:28,180
IN TOAST'S VOICE: 'Remember,
click on giveusajob.biz today
34
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,860
'and find a better job.
35
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:34,540
'There's a great new career
out there, waiting for you.
36
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:36,460
THEY LAUGH
37
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:39,780
'Phone us on 08081 570000.'
38
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:43,820
What the f...?
39
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:07,620
Well, I see you're enjoying
the hospitality here, Steven.
40
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:11,140
Well, it's a bit early for me,
but your chef was very insistent.
41
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:13,140
I know. He's a wee devil, isn't he?
42
00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:15,100
He is. Anyway, bottoms up!
43
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:18,620
So, I understand you are returning
to the theatre in the Scottish play.
44
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:21,500
Ha-ha, yes.
And I notice you didn't say it.
45
00:02:21,540 --> 00:02:24,380
I know. Is it still a big no-no
in theatrical circles,
46
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:26,140
to actually say "Macbeth"?
47
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,620
Yeah.
48
00:02:27,660 --> 00:02:30,260
Anyway, it's a great part
and it's in Regents Park.
49
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,660
It's in the open air.
50
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,900
Yep, I mean it's always a pleasure
to do Shakespeare
51
00:02:33,940 --> 00:02:36,900
and it's a nice bonus that you get
some fresh air at the same time.
52
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:38,020
TOAST LAUGHS
53
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:40,780
Well, it's being simultaneously
broadcast, of course,
54
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:44,820
live on ITV's Night of Culture.
55
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,340
Is it?
56
00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:48,900
Yes, yes! Right. Well,
I wasn't aware of that.
57
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:52,180
Yeah, it is, because you know,
doing a whole Shakespeare play
58
00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:56,220
live on TV - I mean, that's brave.
It must be nerve-wracking.
59
00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:00,420
Yeah, I'm sure I'll rise
to the challenge.
60
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,300
Now, who else is in it?
61
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:05,780
Oh, well, there's Oona Length,
Rob Continental...
62
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:07,140
Ray Purchase?
63
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,700
..there's, er... Oh,
and of course, Sue Pressier,
64
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:11,820
who's worked a lot
with Stanley Kubrick.
65
00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:13,220
Ooh, are you a Kubrick fan?
66
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,660
I wouldn't say I'm a fan
but I did meet him once.
67
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,340
Really? Mmm.
68
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,900
What happened?
Well, it was a long time ago.
69
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:22,260
Have you got time? Yeah.
70
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:25,500
OK. Well, it would have
been about 1969.
71
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:29,540
I was doing some cheap, pornographic
film in Pinewood Studios.
72
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:33,060
I mean, I don't know whether
this is of any interest to you...
73
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,860
I could tell they were
desperate to catch you.
74
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,740
"Name your price," they said.
75
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:41,780
And I picked the biggest number
I could think of.
76
00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,740
?5,000 - for a voiceover!
77
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:48,020
Isn't that terrific?
78
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,980
?5,000? Yes!
79
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:52,100
And they said, "Name your price?"
80
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:53,540
Anything at all.
81
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:57,060
There were no limits on how high
they were willing to go!
82
00:03:57,100 --> 00:04:00,180
Well, why didn't you say ?6,000?
83
00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:03,060
Or ?600,000, or a million pounds?!
84
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,540
Or a million, million pounds?!
85
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:08,020
Because at the time,
86
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:12,060
the biggest number
I could think of was ?5,000.
87
00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:15,180
Anyway, we got the gig.
88
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:18,780
You're blasted lucky to be getting
any voiceover jobs at all.
89
00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:22,820
This tiny chap who sounds just
like you is moving in on your patch.
90
00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:26,700
Slightly cheaper and infinitely
easier to work with.
91
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:29,820
Yeah, this can't be legal.
Can you not sue him, or something?
92
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:31,020
Ha!
93
00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:33,740
And talking of suing people,
I should be suing you
94
00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,660
for failing to mention that this
95
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,220
Shakespeare thing's going out
live on TV!
96
00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:39,900
Oh, did I not tell you?
97
00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:43,500
Yes, a Night of Culture on ITV -
98
00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:45,940
straight after Emmerdale Farm.
99
00:04:45,980 --> 00:04:49,540
Imagine the viewers!
100
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,420
Jane, I...
101
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,860
I've never done any live television.
102
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,340
What are you talking about?
You did it this morning, you cretin!
103
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,540
What, ten minutes on Lorraine?
104
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:01,460
And I was half-boozed.
105
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:05,220
Three hours of intense Shakespeare's
a different box of cheese!
106
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:06,580
Indeed.
107
00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:10,620
Who could forget when dear old
Patrick Stewart... Ooh.
108
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,780
How was Lorraine this morning,
anyway? I missed it.
109
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,660
No idea, I was pissed.
110
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:19,140
PHONE BUZZES
111
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:22,660
Jane, your phone's actually lit up.
112
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,700
I've never seen it do that before.
Very quiet!
113
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:33,300
This is Jane Plough speaking.
114
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,740
Who am I talking to, please?
115
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:39,060
What's this in reference to?
116
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,980
(Who is it?)
117
00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:43,100
Well, I'll have to speak
to him myself.
118
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:45,100
(Who?) No comment.
119
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:47,100
Who was that?
120
00:05:47,140 --> 00:05:49,940
Do you remember telling a story
about Stanley Kubrick
121
00:05:49,980 --> 00:05:52,460
to Lorraine this morning, Toast?
PHONE BUZZES
122
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,220
God, I couldn't have been
that pissed, could I?
123
00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:57,340
Just answer the question.
124
00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,060
PHONE BUZZES
125
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,940
I may have told her 'the story.'
126
00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:02,260
'The story'?
127
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:06,260
PHONE BUZZES
128
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,300
Go on, then.
129
00:06:08,340 --> 00:06:11,100
Well, it was a few years ago, now.
130
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:13,540
1969, to be precise.
131
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:15,940
I was at Pinewood Studios...
132
00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:19,860
'doing some low budget film.
Some sex comedy, probably.
133
00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:23,220
'Anyway, I smoked a hell
of a lot of grass back then
134
00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:26,700
'and would frequently not
remember what I was doing.
135
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:29,580
'I was supposed to meet
someone at Stage B,
136
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:32,860
'but I foolishly
walked into Stage D.'
137
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,980
I mean, I really was
cock of the walk, back then.
138
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,980
I mean, I paid no mind
to any rules or regs.
139
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:42,580
I mean, you might call me
an easy rider.
140
00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:44,380
Get on with it, Toast.
141
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,020
All right.
142
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,780
Anyway, I wandered through
the back door...
143
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:52,820
'but failed to notice a large "keep
out" sign and red recording light
144
00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:56,300
'as I made my way into
the vast film studios.
145
00:06:56,340 --> 00:06:58,500
'It could have been
something to do with
146
00:06:58,540 --> 00:07:00,940
'the amount of Children in Need
I was smoking,
147
00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:04,660
'but the very next thing I knew,
I was walking on the moon.
148
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,820
'I could even see a couple
of astronauts waving at me
149
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:10,100
'and the Apollo 11 space module.'
150
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,700
Hey! C-cut! Hey!
151
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:13,900
'But out of nowhere...'
Hey, you!
152
00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:17,540
'..a parka-wearing hairy man whom
I recognised as Stanley Kubrick
153
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,460
'slammed me hard against a wall.'
154
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,980
Who are you?
155
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:22,900
'He demanded to know who I was.'
156
00:07:22,940 --> 00:07:24,660
Steven Toast. Steven Toast?
157
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:28,420
'When I informed him,
he berated me in an angry fashion.'
158
00:07:28,460 --> 00:07:31,540
If you ever breathe a word
about what you've just seen,
159
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:35,580
I guarantee you'll be
tracked down and killed.
160
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,620
If I ever hear of you again...
161
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,140
..you're dead! Ooh!
162
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:43,740
'And another thing...'
Now, get the fuck off my set!
163
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,940
'After Kubrick had
finished berating me,
164
00:07:45,980 --> 00:07:49,300
'I noticed the stern-looking man
in the doorway watching
165
00:07:49,340 --> 00:07:51,060
'was none other than...'
166
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:53,220
Richard 'Tricky Dicky' Nixon.
167
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,420
Well, how in hell
did you know that?
168
00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,060
Very lucky guess.
169
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,940
How amazing!
170
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,980
The actual president
of the United States!
171
00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:06,740
You know what you've done,
don't you, Toast? No.
172
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:10,020
On a live television programme,
watched by possibly millions,
173
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:12,980
you cheerfully admitted to
having witnessed something
174
00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:16,660
that could not only bring down
the US government,
175
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:20,700
but could also destroy
the entire world.
176
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:27,900
Could I use your toilet facilities?
177
00:08:29,380 --> 00:08:33,380
TOAST HUFFS AND GRUNTS
178
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:39,700
It's no good. These pickled
onions are always tricky.
179
00:08:39,740 --> 00:08:42,860
Well, maybe Ray will be able
to get it off later.
180
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,740
I very much doubt that.
181
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:47,100
THEY SNIGGER
182
00:08:47,140 --> 00:08:49,180
There!
183
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:53,220
That looks great.
184
00:08:54,540 --> 00:08:58,300
This whole Kubrick thing -
it's a most peculiar business.
185
00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:01,620
Oh, you are under enormous
pressure at the moment, Toast.
186
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,340
Maybe you hallucinated it?
187
00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:06,460
Well, of course, I bloody didn't.
You can't hallucinate the past.
188
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,780
I know what I saw.
189
00:09:07,820 --> 00:09:09,660
I'm sure it's connected to you
190
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,700
doing this Shakespeare in the park
live on TV. How?
191
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:15,620
Some kind of nervous reaction
related to stage fright
192
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:17,380
has induced a false memory.
193
00:09:17,420 --> 00:09:21,420
It can do odd things. Who can
forget dear old Patrick Stewart?
194
00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:27,180
Mmm, maybe. Anyway, where were we?
195
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:30,260
Well, you were trying to get
the lid off my pickled onions.
196
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,580
Well, maybe I've got some pickled
onions of my own that need releasing.
197
00:09:33,620 --> 00:09:37,620
Mmm...
TOAST CHUCKLES
198
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,340
..Just such an arsehole.
Can you believe it?
199
00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:44,500
The moon landing.
The moon landings? Kubrick?
200
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,220
A breakdown, live on Lorraine.
201
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,820
Unbelievable!
202
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:49,500
Any sign of Peggy?
203
00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,180
Peggy?
204
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:54,340
I don't think even legendary
theatre director Peggy Plywood
205
00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,260
can help you out of this one, Toast.
206
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,020
Ray bloody Purchase.
207
00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:01,820
Anyone got a number
for the men in white coats?
208
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:05,860
Walking on the moon? Really, Toast?
You've trumped yourself this time.
209
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:10,340
And you chose to have your meltdown
live on Lorraine! Just brilliant!
210
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,020
Shut up, Ray Purchase!
211
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:16,580
For those with your minds on
other things, may I remind you
212
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:19,300
that in 30 hours' time,
you'll be on stage
213
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,700
in one of Shakespeare's
greatest plays?
214
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:26,740
Which is also being broadcast
live to the nation on ITV!
215
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,020
Oh, God!
216
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,380
Of course. Peggy,
I'm so sorry if I...
217
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:34,100
Shut up, Ray Purchase!
218
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:36,780
Now, I'd like to look at
Banquo's entrance again,
219
00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:39,660
before we do the last dress run.
220
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:43,700
So, sort yourselves out!
221
00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:53,820
Oh, I like this one.
222
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:55,580
Toast?
223
00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:59,460
TOAST HUMS ALONG TO RECORD
224
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:03,460
Toast!
TOAST HUMS
225
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:06,100
Urgh! Jesus Christ, Peggy!
226
00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:10,140
I nearly shat my grey
rehearsal sweatpants!
227
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,240
Judging by the position
of that whisky bottle,
228
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,320
I deduce that you have
not yet been to bed.
229
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,920
I can't sleep, Ed.
My brain's doing somersaults.
230
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,040
I didn't know this Shakespeare play
was going out live on TV.
231
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,480
Of course! Live TV!
232
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,920
Always quite...
ED WAILS
233
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,320
All right!
I've known a lot of actors lose it
234
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,440
when they do drama
live on television.
235
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,400
I remember Scott Chestnut
once became very racist
236
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,440
just before he did Lear
live on BBC Two.
237
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,920
That's right, he did.
Don't worry, Toast.
238
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,920
Most actors would be really scared
239
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,720
about having to do Shakespeare
live on television.
240
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,160
Really scared.
241
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,720
I'm not really scared.
Are you sure? Yes.
242
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,240
Really? Yes.
243
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360
Really?
244
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,760
Yes!
245
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,800
And who could forget when
dear old Paddy Stewart...
246
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,920
Paddy...
PHONE RINGS
247
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,120
Toast.
248
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,680
Any sign of them yet?
249
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,840
Who? The CIA.
250
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,920
That's presumably who Kubrick meant
251
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,200
when he said they
were going to get us.
252
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,800
"Us"?
253
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,520
I'm your agent, Toast.
I know too much!
254
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,320
They'll take me out as well.
255
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,760
No, I probably imagined it, Jane.
I mean, I...
256
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,400
We need to be very careful.
Very careful!
257
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:29,080
I'm going to hang up, now.
Phone is probably bugged.
258
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,300
Jane?
259
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:39,142
TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the
cast, this is your one hour call.
260
00:12:39,182 --> 00:12:41,662
'One hour, please.'
261
00:12:41,702 --> 00:12:45,702
Biscuit? Mmm.
262
00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:55,462
Um... No, thanks.
263
00:12:56,502 --> 00:12:58,662
Patrick Stewart.
264
00:12:58,702 --> 00:13:00,062
Steven Toast.
265
00:13:00,102 --> 00:13:04,102
Doing drama on live TV - Patrick
hated it. I'll never forget.
266
00:13:05,022 --> 00:13:08,702
What the hell does that mean?
You don't know?
267
00:13:08,742 --> 00:13:11,382
When Patrick did Hamlet,
live on BBC Two?
268
00:13:11,422 --> 00:13:14,582
Back in those days, Patrick
had a lovely head of hair.
269
00:13:14,622 --> 00:13:17,822
Bit like yours, Toast -
but less weird.
270
00:13:17,862 --> 00:13:20,902
So, it's all going very well,
until about the fourth act,
271
00:13:20,942 --> 00:13:22,942
when his hair starts falling out.
272
00:13:22,982 --> 00:13:26,982
First, in single hairs -
then strands, then whole clumps.
273
00:13:27,342 --> 00:13:30,062
By the time he gets to
the castle in the final act,
274
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:32,662
he's as bald as a coot.
You're kidding?
275
00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:35,102
No. There's hair all over the floor.
276
00:13:35,142 --> 00:13:37,662
And all cos he was doing
Shakespeare live on TV!
277
00:13:37,702 --> 00:13:39,982
PEGGY LAUGHS
God help me.
278
00:13:40,022 --> 00:13:43,542
Yeah, it can affect actors in
all kinds of strange ways.
279
00:13:43,582 --> 00:13:47,342
I've seen one chap start talking
backwards, during a live Corrie.
280
00:13:47,382 --> 00:13:50,782
And Scott Chestnut -
he suddenly became very fascist.
281
00:13:50,822 --> 00:13:53,702
No, racist.
282
00:13:53,742 --> 00:13:56,862
Why are you clinging
onto this pillar?
283
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,902
I'm not.
284
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:02,862
And if you don't mind, Peggy...
285
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:06,902
..I'd like to prepare.
286
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:12,982
TOAST WHIMPERS
287
00:14:13,582 --> 00:14:17,222
PHONE RINGS
Who the f...?
288
00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:19,422
Toast!
Oh, glad I caught you, Toast.
289
00:14:19,462 --> 00:14:21,422
I think you may have taken
my mobile by mistake.
290
00:14:21,462 --> 00:14:23,542
Oh, yeah. That's all right, Ed,
it's right here.
291
00:14:23,582 --> 00:14:27,582
I'll just get it... Mmm...
292
00:14:30,822 --> 00:14:34,262
Ed? Your mobile is, in fact
right in front of me,
293
00:14:34,302 --> 00:14:37,462
but I can't reach it, cos
I can't let go of the pillar.
294
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:40,462
Can you get here ASAP?
I think I might have...
295
00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:44,502
THUNDERCLAP
..stage fright!
296
00:14:47,222 --> 00:14:51,222
# I've never been so
frightened in my life
297
00:14:51,982 --> 00:14:55,982
# Never dreamed I'd suffer
from stage fright
298
00:14:56,702 --> 00:15:00,702
# Suspected something bad
When my face turned white
299
00:15:00,862 --> 00:15:04,862
# Was really in the sheet
When I couldn't move my feet
300
00:15:05,262 --> 00:15:09,262
# And I wouldn't recommend
being paralysed
301
00:15:09,902 --> 00:15:13,902
But the atmosphere up here
is very nice.
302
00:15:15,142 --> 00:15:19,142
Good evening.
303
00:15:38,942 --> 00:15:42,102
Come on, Toast.
You know you want to.
304
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,022
Oof! Look...
305
00:15:44,062 --> 00:15:46,062
I've got the jar of picked onions.
306
00:15:46,102 --> 00:15:47,662
Pfff... Ooh!
307
00:15:47,702 --> 00:15:51,702
Mmm! Why don't you come over here
and unscrew my lid?
308
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:55,142
Oof!
309
00:15:55,182 --> 00:15:56,582
Mmm...
310
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,622
Pfff!
311
00:15:58,662 --> 00:16:01,422
Ah! Ooh!
312
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:05,462
Ah! Ooh! Ooahh!
313
00:16:05,662 --> 00:16:07,022
Pfff, just... Oh.
314
00:16:07,062 --> 00:16:09,422
OK, thanks, Mrs Purchase.
Doesn't seem to be working.
315
00:16:09,462 --> 00:16:12,022
Mmm. I mean, this is serious, Ed.
316
00:16:12,062 --> 00:16:14,142
You know what kind of
sex appetite I have.
317
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,182
I know you do,
but for whatever reason,
318
00:16:16,222 --> 00:16:18,702
you don't seem to be able to
break free from that pillar.
319
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,142
OK, you can go now, Mrs P.
320
00:16:20,182 --> 00:16:22,422
Oh, OK, Ed.
Sorry I couldn't do more.
321
00:16:22,462 --> 00:16:25,502
Come on, Toast, get into costume.
I want to rehearse the sword fight.
322
00:16:25,542 --> 00:16:29,542
You've not cracked it yet and I
refuse to look a Tom Fool on stage!
323
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:34,742
What are you doing here, darling?
Oh, grow up, Ray.
324
00:16:34,782 --> 00:16:36,142
Are those my picked onions?
325
00:16:36,182 --> 00:16:38,902
Will you both please leave, now?
Are those my picked onions?
326
00:16:38,942 --> 00:16:40,782
Oh, stop being so childish! God!
327
00:16:40,822 --> 00:16:42,462
What are you doing in there
with Toast?
328
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,862
Oh, honestly, Ray - why are you
so paranoid all the time?!
329
00:16:44,902 --> 00:16:47,582
I'm not paranoid, darling...
This is absolutely fascinating.
330
00:16:47,622 --> 00:16:50,302
A very similar thing happened to
Roy Castle on Record Breakers.
331
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,062
He couldn't let go of
a fire extinguisher
332
00:16:52,102 --> 00:16:54,662
and we were told not to touch him,
in case he had a heart attack.
333
00:16:54,702 --> 00:16:57,502
Oh, God! Who else knows about this?
Peggy? The cast?
334
00:16:57,542 --> 00:17:01,542
Well, yeah. I mean, pretty much.
335
00:17:02,462 --> 00:17:04,622
You couldn't scratch my back
for me, could you, Ed?
336
00:17:04,662 --> 00:17:07,902
I can't reach. Of course, old chap.
337
00:17:07,942 --> 00:17:09,782
Slightly lower. There we...
338
00:17:09,822 --> 00:17:11,942
Ooh, yeah!
339
00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:15,982
Oof!
PHONE RINGS
340
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:17,782
Toast.
341
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:20,822
Toast, have they
tried to kill you yet?
342
00:17:20,862 --> 00:17:21,982
Who?
343
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:24,862
The Americans, the CIA!
Have they tried to kill you?
344
00:17:24,902 --> 00:17:28,742
No. That's good.
We need to be extremely careful.
345
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,502
Look, I can't let go.
346
00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:33,702
You... You can't what?
I can't let go of the pillar.
347
00:17:33,742 --> 00:17:37,102
My God! They must have
drugged you, or something.
348
00:17:37,142 --> 00:17:39,462
No, Jane. I'm pretty sure
I've got stage fright.
349
00:17:39,502 --> 00:17:42,102
Nonsense! The Americans
have done this to you
350
00:17:42,142 --> 00:17:44,942
because you blabbed about
the moon landings.
351
00:17:44,982 --> 00:17:48,982
GLASS SHATTERS
JANE GASPS
352
00:17:52,022 --> 00:17:55,382
It's hard for a chap to swallow
his pride, Ed, but I'm in the shit.
353
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:58,182
And you mentioned you knew someone
that could possibly help me.
354
00:17:58,222 --> 00:18:01,662
Right. Well, I hope he's available.
He's the best in the biz.
355
00:18:01,702 --> 00:18:05,342
Well, that's who I need.
Hi. Yeah, fine, yeah.
356
00:18:05,382 --> 00:18:07,182
You're just back from Hollywood?
357
00:18:07,222 --> 00:18:11,062
Fantastic! Listen,
I'm going to need your skills.
358
00:18:11,102 --> 00:18:15,102
You could say it's an emergency.
359
00:18:16,142 --> 00:18:18,622
IN TOAST'S VOICE: Because the
world's not black and white,
360
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:19,982
the world's in colour.
361
00:18:20,022 --> 00:18:22,662
That is, er... That's great, Colin.
362
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:25,502
No problem, fellas. Stunning work,
Colin, mate. You got it in one.
363
00:18:25,542 --> 00:18:27,622
I don't see a reason why
we should get Toast in
364
00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:29,822
for another voiceover,
like ever, ever again.
365
00:18:29,862 --> 00:18:32,062
Exactamundo, so why bother?
I mean, Colin's...
366
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,782
Colin's just so much cooler.
367
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:37,662
You bet he is. I mean,
Steven Toast is just a wanker.
368
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:39,622
Right, we're going to
take a break, yeah?
369
00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:41,142
We're like, way ahead of schedule.
370
00:18:41,182 --> 00:18:42,582
Yeah!
371
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,622
Get in. Doink!
372
00:18:47,302 --> 00:18:49,382
Now, don't be nervous.
Alan is the best.
373
00:18:49,422 --> 00:18:50,902
He has a terrific bedside manner
374
00:18:50,942 --> 00:18:53,102
and is very experienced
in these situations.
375
00:18:53,142 --> 00:18:54,542
Did you just say "Alan"?
376
00:18:54,582 --> 00:18:56,942
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Where the fuck is he?
377
00:18:56,982 --> 00:19:00,982
You've got to be kidding?
378
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:03,542
How you doing, boys?
379
00:19:03,582 --> 00:19:05,222
Hi, Alan. Hi, Alan.
380
00:19:05,262 --> 00:19:09,182
Now, then... Ed tells me
that you've lost your bottle.
381
00:19:09,222 --> 00:19:11,382
Thanks, Ed.
Don't you worry, son.
382
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:15,422
I've cured many actors whose arse
has caved in at the last minute -
383
00:19:15,582 --> 00:19:19,582
Roy Castle... Mmm. ..Mark Rylance
and I'm just back from Hollywood.
384
00:19:19,902 --> 00:19:23,902
Been doing a lot of work with
Meryl Streep and her fear of bells.
385
00:19:23,982 --> 00:19:26,342
It's a bit desperate, Alan.
The curtain goes up in...
386
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:29,902
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
All I need you to do
387
00:19:29,942 --> 00:19:33,662
is listen to my voice
and my voice alone
388
00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:37,222
and I guarantee we'll have
you back on that greengage
389
00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:39,382
in no fucking time at all.
390
00:19:39,422 --> 00:19:43,422
Now, then... Bah, spare me
this New Age shoeshine!
391
00:19:43,502 --> 00:19:46,582
Look, Toast, you'd better
get your act together.
392
00:19:46,622 --> 00:19:48,182
We're on in less than one hour.
393
00:19:48,222 --> 00:19:50,462
I have waited 20 years
to play Macduff
394
00:19:50,502 --> 00:19:52,142
and I won't let you
screw it up for me!
395
00:19:52,182 --> 00:19:54,222
Word is already out about
this Kubrick thing.
396
00:19:54,262 --> 00:19:56,702
Everyone thinks you've lost
your marbles. You're a joke!
397
00:19:56,742 --> 00:19:58,062
And if you fuck this up tonight,
398
00:19:58,102 --> 00:20:00,022
every actor in London is
going to hunt you down
399
00:20:00,062 --> 00:20:02,102
and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!
400
00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:03,862
Who the fuck is this?
401
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:05,382
His name's Ray Purchase.
402
00:20:05,422 --> 00:20:08,342
He lives near the Warrington pub,
Alan, in Maida Vale.
403
00:20:08,382 --> 00:20:11,302
Nice boozer. Now, you listen to me,
404
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:14,182
Ray Purchase from Maida Vale.
405
00:20:14,222 --> 00:20:16,302
You's have got two options here,
I reckon.
406
00:20:16,342 --> 00:20:18,862
One, you carry on like you was
407
00:20:18,902 --> 00:20:21,302
and take a chance that
I don't hunt you down
408
00:20:21,342 --> 00:20:24,742
and cut you from arsehole
to breakfast time!
409
00:20:24,782 --> 00:20:27,062
Or you can fuck off,
410
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:31,102
after apologising to me for
putting me off my stroke!
411
00:20:31,182 --> 00:20:33,622
I'm sorry, Alan.
I was just trying to help.
412
00:20:33,662 --> 00:20:34,902
And to Toast.
413
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:38,822
Really? Yes!
414
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:40,822
Sorry, Toast.
TOAST SNORTS
415
00:20:40,862 --> 00:20:44,382
Now, at this point,
I need to be alone with my client.
416
00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:48,422
Of course. So, please - Ed, could
you take silly bollocks outside?
417
00:20:49,462 --> 00:20:52,862
Ray? Yeah.
418
00:20:52,902 --> 00:20:56,902
Now then, time to get my tools out.
419
00:20:57,822 --> 00:20:59,902
SAWING WOOD
420
00:20:59,942 --> 00:21:01,342
How's it going, Alan?
421
00:21:01,382 --> 00:21:03,102
Nearly there, son.
422
00:21:03,142 --> 00:21:04,782
Timber!
423
00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:07,582
CRASH
424
00:21:07,622 --> 00:21:11,622
My voice is in my sword...
425
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:15,862
..thou bloodier villain than
terms can give thee out!
426
00:21:15,902 --> 00:21:19,902
RAY PURCHASE SHOUTS AND GRUNTS
427
00:21:25,902 --> 00:21:29,542
Come on! Fuck!
Do the bloody thing!
428
00:21:29,582 --> 00:21:31,862
Can't, can I?! Come on, man!
429
00:21:31,902 --> 00:21:35,902
I'm stuck to the pole!
430
00:21:38,262 --> 00:21:42,262
APPLAUSE
431
00:21:49,822 --> 00:21:53,822
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
432
00:21:59,182 --> 00:22:03,182
Ah!
433
00:22:05,302 --> 00:22:07,022
Good reviews for the play, Toast.
434
00:22:07,062 --> 00:22:09,462
Lots of praise for your pillar work.
435
00:22:09,502 --> 00:22:12,142
"Steven Toast's brilliantly
inventive Macbeth,
436
00:22:12,182 --> 00:22:14,022
"clutching a pillar throughout.
437
00:22:14,062 --> 00:22:16,622
"A clever metaphor for
the burden of guilt and paranoia
438
00:22:16,662 --> 00:22:18,102
"carried by the character."
439
00:22:18,142 --> 00:22:20,462
LAUGHTER
If only they knew!
440
00:22:20,502 --> 00:22:22,302
PHONE RINGS
441
00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:25,622
Toast? Well done again, Toast.
442
00:22:25,662 --> 00:22:27,942
Sorry about all that CIA nonsense.
443
00:22:27,982 --> 00:22:31,782
I must have got caught up
in all your paranoia.
444
00:22:31,822 --> 00:22:35,822
Very unlike me. Ciao for now.
445
00:22:37,262 --> 00:22:41,262
Ah...
446
00:22:45,062 --> 00:22:47,422
AMERICAN ACCENT: You must be Jane.
447
00:22:47,462 --> 00:22:51,462
Where's Toast?
448
00:22:53,262 --> 00:22:54,702
Great stuff. Thank you, man.
449
00:22:54,742 --> 00:22:57,502
My pleasure. Do it again, one more.
Oh, yeah. One more for the road!
450
00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:59,382
Go on, then.
CLEARS THROAT
451
00:22:59,422 --> 00:23:01,582
TOAST'S VOICE: My name
is Steven Toast.
452
00:23:01,622 --> 00:23:04,382
And I saw Stanley Kubrick
direct the moon landings.
453
00:23:04,422 --> 00:23:08,422
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's too good! Ciao.
454
00:23:11,222 --> 00:23:41,942
GUNSHOT
455
00:23:41,992 --> 00:23:46,542
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34882
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
