All language subtitles for Telenovela s01e08 Sexual Awakening.eng

- Oh, my God, these are amazing!
- Who brought these in?

Denise from Accounting.

all: Denise! Denise! Denise!
Denise! Denise!

Where is she?
I wanna kiss her!

Oh, she just went home sick.
Stomach flu.

[hip-hop music]

[all spit]

You know who I hate?
A-Denise.

Sorry, guys, I had to bring
the kids to work.

There was no school today.
There was a lice outbreak.

They have no idea
where it started.

[mimics laugh]

- There are my boys!
both: - Hey, Anna!

Hmm.

- Hugo!
both: - Hugo!

Go easy on him
this time, guys.

His hair just grew back
from your last visit.

[cat meows]

Hugo, run!

So you guys are cool
with my kids hanging here today?

Oh, sure.
I love kids.

[laughter]

That wasn't a joke.

[laughter intensifies]

What do you people think of me?

She's hilarious.

Mimi, it will be fine,

but we should probably
keep them away

from the big
cocaine bust scene...

- [gasps]
- ...we're shooting today.

both: - Snow, yeah!
- It's snowing!

- Yeah, whoo!
- Yay!

Well, at least they're
playing together.

- [chuckles]
- Snowing!

Put the drug money down.

[flamenco music]

Re Sync by assistadhyan
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Mimi, you know what
this dress needs?

Fabric.

Mimi.

Look at Conner
sulking over there.

That's all he does anymore.

We used to be so close,

but now he's totally
pulled away from me.

Watch.

See?
That bit used to kill.

There's something wrong
with him.

Oh, he's 13.

It's totally normal
that he doesn't want

to hang out with his mom.

He'll talk to me.

I taught him how
to knock out a sugar high

with a bag of potato chips.

Sometimes I let him
drive my car.

Remind me not to let you
babysit ever again.

Why?
'Cause of the chips?

Look, Conner and I are tight.

That means close.
I'm fluent in tween.

Really? I just got a text
from my niece,

"LOL. BTW," and then a sunshine
with sunglasses.

Wait-- why does the sun
need sunglasses?

- He's the sun.
- Because it's a cool sun.

Don't over-think it.

Find anything you like

for the big "Men of Las Leyes"
photo shoot today?

Just put us in anything, Mimi.
We're guys.

We don't get stressed

about things like
what we're gonna wear,

how we look,
equal pay.

Yeah, it's just, like,
"I know I'm gorgeous,

but I so don't care,"
you know?

Yeah, we're not gonna be
a bunch of psycho divas

like the women were when
they did their magazine shoot.

[women squealing]

She only needed two stitches.

All I'm saying is men don't
care about the little things.

We're chill.
We stick together.

Honestly,
that's why I date them.

- Huh.
- That makes sense.

- Gah!
- What are you doing?

Work.

I'm writing a story
for the show.

That doesn't sound like work.

Well, you and my mom agree
about that,

but I don't see
either of you figuring out

how to get the cop trapped

so the kingpin can
run off with Luna.

How about a booby trap?

Look, kid, we did that
on the Christmas episode.

- What about a bear trap?
- Pfft, bear trap.

Bear trap.

Huh, we've never
done that before.

Have a seat.
Keep talking.

So there's a mountain
of drugs and a corrupt cop...

Oh, yes.
Keep going.

And then the bear trap
collapses down on them...

- Yeah.
- And they scream.

And what does the kingpin do--
the evil guy?

He's like...
[laughs maniacally]

He does that.
That's the weirdest thing.

[both laugh]

- [both gasp]
- Oh, there.

Here, I got this.

Conner.
Con-man.

C-Dawg.
[chuckling]

We gon' kick it?

Oh, my God,
you're right!

Something is really wrong
with him.

I thought you said
that was normal kid stuff?

To ignore his mom, yes.
Not me.

We've gotta do something.

You know, kids today are
into all sorts of crazy things.

Haven't you heard of
the deep web?

- No.
- No, I saw it on "Dateline"

or "Nightline"
or one of those shows where

quiet nerds do horrible things,
usually in Florida.

Anyway, the deep web is a secret
place of the Internet

where you can buy guns
or drugs or a baby.

Okay, I think I'd notice
if Conner

were hiding a baby
in his room.

Have you
checked it out lately?

[scoffs]
No.

Yeah, well, snooping
is the only way

you're gonna get answers
from a kid.

Okay, you're right.
All right, let's go.

- Yeah.
- Well, what else can you buy

- on the deep web?
- Feet.

- [gasps]
- Human feet.

Hey, have you guys seen Mimi?

I'm shooting
my first love scene today

and I wanna make sure
she puts me in something sexy.

I shouldn't be
all covered up like this.

[chuckles]

I don't even remember what I wore
in my first love scene.

You were naked except for
a turban and a torn sarong.

- I think.
- Hello, gentlemen.

I'm Caro'leen, photographer
for "Bella Novella Magazine."

I'm excited to shoot you.

Oh, we're excited for you.

We're just getting
our makeup done.

- We'll be right down.
- Oh, no.

No need for makeup.

"Bella Novella" is
a natural beauty magazine.

We're makeup and Photoshop free.

[dramatic music]

[laughs]
What did she say?

I don't understand the words
coming out of her mouth.

Just come natural.

We believe that everyone
is beautiful just as they are.

But that's not true.

You guys are fun.

I'll see you on set.

Guys, it's all good.
We're men.

- We don't care about this stuff.
- He's right.

Plus, they can't take
our spray tans away.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!

[both grunt]

Oh, this is so heartbreaking.

Snooping around in a child's
room I practically raised.

You wouldn't understand.

You're right,
I was too distracted

actually raising him.

- Oh, my God!
- What!

What'd you find?
Guns? A baby?

[sighs]
Conner, he folded his socks

like I asked him to.
He's such a sweet boy.

Unless he's hiding the drugs
in them!

Oh... no.

Oh.

- No, all clear.
- [scoffs]

Okay, now I gotta clean up
all the socks.

Hey, at least you're not
cleaning up all the drugs.

You're welcome.

Oh, let's try his computer.

Oh, I don't even know
where to start.

I've installed so many parental
locks on this thing,

he can't even look up
a recipe for chicken breast.

Try his search history.

Oh, that reminds me.
I've gotta clear mine.

No one needs to know how many
times I've searched

"What is climate change?"
[chuckles]

Well, I know.
It's, um...

polar bear stuff.

All that's here are
a bunch of videos of animals

- doing stupid things.
- Oh, cats on a treadmill.

- He fell off.
- [both laugh]

Oh, God.
I'm so relieved.

I mean, obviously, Conner's
going through some weird phase,

but he's still my sweet,
innocent, little boy.

[paper crinkles]

What was that sound?

- [both gasp]
- Oh, my God!

Whoa!

- Porn!
- A lot of porn.

- [groaning]
- Oh, my God.

Blond girls, Asian girls...
Samoans?

Oh!

You have raised
a very multicultural son.

You should be proud.

Oh, yeah, that's what
I'm feeling right now. Proud.

Honey,
this is normal, okay?

All of it is just--
[gasps]

- It's me!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Ah!

I look bloated.

Porn?
Conner's been looking at porn?

He's so grounded.

Oh, yeah, lock him
in his room by himself.

That'll fix that.

[whispers]
Hey, look, Mimi,

have you had
"the talk" with him?

The sex talk?
No, he's so young,

and I always thought
his father would do it.

Well, his dad's in prison,

so who knows what his sex talk
might include at this point?

[gasps]
Oh! Oh! But I can help.

I was a peer counselor
in high school.

[hip-hop music]

[cheers and whistles]

Yep, yep.
I know what C is for.

Mm-hmm. You said you were never
popular in high school, hm.

[giggles]
I know, right?

And I had those scrunchies
in every color.

Thanks for the offer,
but "Caliente" magazine's

"Best Badonk of 2013"
is not who I want

- giving the talk to Conner.
- [scoffs]

Uh, also 2012.
Mm.

Wait, are you giving Conner
the sex talk?

My parents were
too conservative for that.

They told me an angel died
every time I wore short-shorts.

Mm.

Oh, man.

It's about time
you had the talk.

I mean, how old is he?
Eight? Nine?

- He's 13.
- [men groan]

Why? What?
What don't I wanna know?

Have you looked
under his bed?

[whispers]
Yeah. It was porn-a-palooza.

There was also
a picture of Ana under there.

all: - Oh!
- I know, I know.

It was flattering.

Yeah, and...
wildly inappropriate.

I can't believe
this is happening.

This is my baby.

He's 13.
It's totally normal.

When I was 13,
I used to feel up Barbie dolls.

I was shocked when I found out
real women have nipples.

I rode the mechanical horse
outside the supermarket

well into my teens.

Yeah, when I was 13,
I had sex for the first time.

- Oh...
- Hmm?

- With a couch.
- Ew.

Not my Conner.
He is a sweet boy.

- He does all his own laundry.
- Oof, a lot of sheets?

No, it's not like that.

He's just very clean,
so he takes a lot of showers.

all: - Oh...
- Because he gets so messy

spending all that time alone
in the treehouse

when he's-- Yeah, okay.
He needs the talk.

Just be calm.
Don't overreact.

Everything will be--
Oh, my God! I have a zit!

Can you see it?

So Pasi?n and C?sar are stuck
in the bear trap, right?

And then the drug lord
grabs Luna and kidnaps her.

- Maybe he brainwashed her too.
- That's great.

She thinks she's
in love with him

- and then they kiss.
- Kissing?

both: Ew!

Dude, did you just
mix popcorn and M&M's?

- Oh, yeah.
- That's brilliant.

I've gotta start contributing
more to this friendship.

Here.

[chuckles]

How about we try
Crunch Berries and pretzels?

Okay.

Let's do this.

What do we do
about this photo shoot?

I can't pretend I don't care.

No makeup.
No Photoshop.

What kind of animals
do they think we are?

- It's just a tiny zit.
- Really?

El diablo!

I'm gonna say it.
I don't like this either.

I have stuff to cover up too.

You know, my left bicep
is smaller and weaker

than my right one.

Throw me that candle.

See?
So weak.

No, so brave.

We all have flaws.

- Right, Xavi?
- I don't know.

I guess my lips
are so full and pouty

sometimes they get chapped.

I'm sorry, I'm trying.

I don't have the same hang-ups
as you guys.

Hey, I was born
with only one--

all: Whoa!

Okay. So, Conner,
I know your dad isn't here,

but I have a few friends
who want to talk to you

about some guy stuff.
Huh?

Let me tell you what
my father told me.

Boobs.

- Boobs.
- Boobs.

For me?
No.

Pretend my guitar is a woman.

[strums guitar rapidly]

- Get it?
- Ana!

A nun?

Well, it was this
or a hot dog costume,

and the hot dog costume
was surprisingly sexy.

All right, Conner,
Con-man...

crazy times, huh?

Hormones, zits, hair, girls.

Goooooal!

"Baywatch," sticky,
cartwheels.

- Can I go now?
- No, no, no, no, no, okay.

Look, we're gonna talk
like adults.

You are growing up.
You're becoming a man.

So you got to let go
of your childhood.

It's done, done-zo,
gone-zo, finito.

[whistles]

You're gonna have
to say good-bye.

Bye, Felicia!
Bye, childhood!

Okay, okay,
enough adult talk.

Conner, go make
a prank phone call.

- To who?
- Call your abuela.

Tell her you're George Lopez.

- Oh, okay, yeah.
- [laughs]

Okay, good talk, mijo!

Mimi, I was on a roll.

Okay. What?
I was-- Really?

Well... I tried.
Even the nuns are slutty here.

Oh!
There you are.

Are you okay?

I see you left the convent.

Oh, yeah.

People kept confessing things
to me.

This crew is into
some dark stuff.

Apparently Carol in props
is a witch.

Hey, why did you bail
on the sex talk?

Because Conner's too young.

Filling his head
with all that confusing stuff

before he's ready
can really mess him up,

turn him into a serial killer.

Ooh!
Or worse,

one of those gold-painted
street performers.

Okay, Mimi,
I say this out of love,

which means you can't
get mad at me.

But have you thought maybe
you're the one not ready

for the sex talk?

My mom gut is telling me
he's not ready.

Okay. I hear you.
I'll back off.

Thank you.

But your mom gut also said
Bobby was a keeper,

and we know
how that turned out.

Not so good.

Are we ready to do this?

You two over
all your little insecurities?

No, we have a plan.
We're gonna use each other

to hide our flaws.

Gael is standing here
so I can hide my skinny bicep.

And, Xavi, you stand
on the other side

to hide my hideous face.

No, I think I'll stand here.

Come on,
we're working together.

I'm good here.

Get your perfect lips
over there now!

I can't!

I have my mother's jawline!

If I stand there
at that angle,

everyone's gonna see.

You have insecurities too?

So many.

You're so brave.

We're all so brave.
We can do this.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Ow.

- I just think--
- No, I'm not talking

about Conner anymore.

Just let your body go limp
and pull my hair.

Pull it.

Hey, what's going on?

Isabela is giving me
some pointers on my love scene.

I've made love
over 350 times on camera.

And that was just to get
her first acting job.

[both laugh]

Did I miss the talk?

'Cause I had a question
about placentas

and why my aunt sells them
at flea markets.

Okay, no more talk
about the talk.

Roxie, I brought you
a few options

for your love scene, okay?

Rip-away dress, rip-away
necklace, rip-away hair.

- Oh, I feel like a princess!
- [clatter]

There's something moving
in your closet.

[gasps]
Conner!

Okay, guys,
I'm ready for you.

[giggles]

So we're just gonna tell her
we need makeup.

- Yeah.
- And Photoshop.

- Sweet, sweet Photoshop.
- Yeah.

And if she doesn't meet our
demands, we won't do the shoot.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm ready for my close-up.

[stifled gag]

He does only have one.

Look at him.
So proud.

If Gustavo can have no shame
about his body

when he should have
so much shame,

then we should be confident
about our bodies.

You're right.

Xavi, your mom must be
very manly

because your chin
is crazy masculine.

Thanks,
and your bad bicep is better

than either of my good ones.

And Gael, your zit...

is really, really bad.

Yeah, you actually
have two now.

You should hide behind us.

Amen.
Let's do this thing.

["Confident" by Demi Lovato]

Can we get him
some underwear?

Conner,
come out of there right now.

I can't believe
you were peeping!

- Roxie, I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.

I find guys in my closet
all the time.

What?
I just thought it was like

a Narnia situation
in there.

That is not a thing.

I used to have boys hiding
in my closet all the time.

Now there's just mothballs
and sometimes Deb, the grip.

Conner, this behavior
is absolutely inappropriate.

It's one thing to have a pile
of porn under your mattress,

but now you're a peeping Tom?

- You went through my room?
- Ooh! I was there too!

I don't know why
I just offered that up.

It does not always
have to be about me.

Have a seat, young man.

We are having the talk
right now.

Finally!
Let me grab my notebook.

Everybody,
just leave me alone!

I hate you!

- [gasps]
- Ohh!

Oh, honey,
he doesn't mean it.

Those are just words.

- And you too!
- [gasps] Oh!

- Just words?
- Yeah.

Conner?
Come on.

Please come out.
I'm sorry!

God, I can't believe
he said he hated me.

No one's ever
told me that before.

Twitter doesn't count.

I have my GPS locator
on his phone.

He's still in the building.

Oh, thank God!
Okay.

Let's check under the stairs.

That's where I go
when I hide from you.

- What?
- No, can't be mad. Focus.

Look at me,
Mother of the Year.

Hey, you are!

Hey, those kids of yours
are wonderful,

and that is all you.

You were so strong
when their dad went to prison.

Well, I mean,
after you came crying to me

and I winded
beneath your wings.

There's actually
two heroes here.

Seriously, how you are
with those boys amazes me.

That's the problem.
I know how to be a mom to boys.

I have no idea
how to be a mom to men.

Hey, ladies.
A few things.

We're ready to rehearse
the final scene,

we're having Chinese for lunch,
and Mimi's son

is up in prop storage.

Oh! Well, I guess I better
bring him down

so I can have that talk,
right?

- If he'll even listen.
- No, wait!

I know a better way
to get through to him.

[dramatic Latin music]

[gasps]

_

_

_

_

[both scream]

[laughs]

_

_

No!
Luna's not ready for sex!

- Hmm?
- What are you doing?

Why are you doing it
in English?

[whispers] All right, guys,
listen up, listen.

Conner needs a sex talk.

And I can't improvise
the Spanish. Get it?

- Weirdly, yes.
- All right.

[normal voice]
Luna, your body is changing,

and you may have new feelings
and urges you don't understand.

I do!

And as strange
as these urges may seem,

it's important for you to know
that these feelings

are natural and nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

And those things you're doing

that you think
no one else is doing?

We're all doing.
Huh, right?

Am I right?

Yeah, just ask his couch.

It's a funny time.

You might even get acne
on your face,

which does not end at puberty,
FYI.

Conner's watching.
I think he's listening to them.

And then the sperm
fertilizes the eggs,

and that's where babies
come from.

Shut... up!

They're butchering our words.

Why are we even here?

And of course, you don't want
to have a baby anytime soon,

so always use protection.

And whenever you're ready,
we can help you with that.

But you are not gonna be ready
for a very long time

until you're older.

- Like 14.
- 18.

Or 25...
which is not late.

Puberty can be confusing,
so you may have some questions.

Talk to somebody
who cares about you,

like your mom.

[chuckles]
I meant 17.

He was a guy at camp.
You didn't know him.

We're talking about
first times?

I have two words for you.
Pat Sajak.

- Ooh!
- Ew! Please just stop!

- Okay.
- I get it!

Good job.

Um, I just have
a few more questions.

[upbeat music]

This was the worst day
of my life.

Oh, sweetie, it gets
much worse than this, yeah.

You're gonna get
your heart broken.

You might end up
in a dead-end job.

People you love
are gonna start dying.

Nobody really knows
what happens after death.

I think it's just nothingness.

And you wonder why
you got kicked out

of the peer counseling program.

- Ooh.
- Listen.

All you need to know is this.

No matter what happens,
I'm here for you.

Remember that.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh...

- Did you see that smile?
- Mm-hmm.

And he wants to sit down
and talk later tonight.

He says he has
a lot more questions.

Mainly about the plot
of our show,

which he found very confusing.

Yeah, me too!
Wait, so I'm a lawyer

who also runs a vineyard?
What?

Listen.
Thanks for everything today.

It's nice to know
I'm not alone.

Oh, honey, you're welcome.
We're your family.

- Mama!
- Hey, baby.

Ah, thanks for looking
after him today.

both: You're welcome.

It was great working
with you, Archie.

You think you can
come back tomorrow,

maybe bounce around
that robo-baby idea you had?

I can't.
It's pizza day at school,

and I got show-and-tell
on Friday, so...

I get it.

Maybe we can get
a chocolate milk sometime.

You got a great kid there.

[chuckles]
See?

You're an awesome mom after all.

- I guess so.
- Wait up, Mom!

Oh, hey!
[chuckles]

I did not almost forget
my third child!

- Where were you?
- In the weapons room.

They had all these grenades.

Oh, yeah, I'm killing it.

[playful music]

Aha!
I know you're there!

Whoo!

Deb?

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