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1
00:00:02,768 --> 00:00:05,136
Alright, well, let this
be a lesson to all of us.
2
00:00:05,137 --> 00:00:08,106
The client's ideas are always horrible.
3
00:00:08,107 --> 00:00:09,941
Buy a case of Waldon's Wieners
4
00:00:09,942 --> 00:00:11,743
and get a free dog!
5
00:00:11,744 --> 00:00:14,045
Aw, they're so cute! I
think it's a great idea!
6
00:00:14,046 --> 00:00:15,947
Well, the SPCA did not
agree and now we need to find
7
00:00:15,948 --> 00:00:17,916
homes for 100 Dachshunds.
8
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,651
Can't we just leave them
on someone's doorstep?
9
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,754
For the last time, yes!
10
00:00:22,755 --> 00:00:24,789
Now on to new business.
11
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:27,659
I'm pleased to announce we'll
be working with Roland Montague.
12
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,661
Ooh, of the Montagues.
13
00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:31,863
They're just like the
Kennedys, but less handsome.
14
00:00:31,864 --> 00:00:34,699
Now, as you may have heard, last
weekend he trashed a room at the Hilton.
15
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:36,901
- That doesn't sound so bad.
- Ah, it was the Royal Ballroom
16
00:00:36,902 --> 00:00:39,871
during the G8 summit. I believe it started
as an attempt at a blue angel and ended
17
00:00:39,872 --> 00:00:42,106
- with the fire department.
- What's a blue angel?
18
00:00:42,107 --> 00:00:44,108
- I'll show you later.
- Well, anyway,
19
00:00:44,109 --> 00:00:46,110
his family wants us to clean up his image
20
00:00:46,111 --> 00:00:48,947
and I want you and Nelson to be his team.
21
00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:52,550
- Team captain! Called it.
- There's no captain. Dave?
22
00:00:52,551 --> 00:00:54,819
Well, he called it. I'm gonna
have to defer to the captain.
23
00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:56,721
And for questioning my authority, Beckett,
24
00:00:56,722 --> 00:00:58,623
- that's a hundred push ups.
- Dave?
25
00:00:58,624 --> 00:01:01,759
A hundred is excessive,
drop and give him twenty.
26
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:05,530
Come on! Fill the lens
27
00:01:05,531 --> 00:01:09,267
With all your friends! Oh
28
00:01:09,268 --> 00:01:11,603
Now
29
00:01:11,604 --> 00:01:13,972
Is forever
30
00:01:13,973 --> 00:01:17,642
Come on! Fill the lens
31
00:01:17,643 --> 00:01:21,381
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
32
00:01:24,886 --> 00:01:27,754
Hey, dad! I need your help.
33
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,489
I am making mom a birthday present.
34
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:33,093
Oh! What, like a pool
boy made out of macaroni?
35
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,525
No, I'm making a compilation
36
00:01:35,526 --> 00:01:37,393
video of all my childhood
victories. I want to show her
37
00:01:37,394 --> 00:01:39,162
- that she raised a winner.
- Well, I did raise you
38
00:01:39,163 --> 00:01:42,065
- every other weekend.
- Yes, and on your birthday,
39
00:01:42,066 --> 00:01:43,866
I'll compile a video of me being your caddy
40
00:01:43,867 --> 00:01:47,337
- and rolling your cigarettes.
- Skills that last a lifetime!
41
00:01:47,338 --> 00:01:49,672
Anyway, I'm looking for
anything where I win first place
42
00:01:49,673 --> 00:01:52,475
or an award or the crowd
is going: "Go Stephanie!
43
00:01:52,476 --> 00:01:55,378
- Kill everyone else!"
- Of course.
44
00:01:55,379 --> 00:01:57,113
I think we have something
from when you were competing
45
00:01:57,114 --> 00:02:00,183
in the Hunger Games! But you
know, I've moved a few times,
46
00:02:00,184 --> 00:02:02,719
- so I may have lost a few tapes.
- There should be a bunch.
47
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,588
Oh, yah, it's just, there've
been so many floods and fires
48
00:02:05,589 --> 00:02:08,458
and giant video-ruining
magnets over the years.
49
00:02:08,459 --> 00:02:10,693
- I'll take whatever you have.
- OK!
50
00:02:10,694 --> 00:02:13,129
You know, I've been
cat burgled a few times.
51
00:02:13,130 --> 00:02:16,032
So you might want to
lower your expectations.
52
00:02:16,033 --> 00:02:18,835
This guy is a disaster, he's
like a bull in a china shop.
53
00:02:18,836 --> 00:02:22,071
Except the bull is drunk and
the china shop... is everything!
54
00:02:22,072 --> 00:02:24,707
No, man, you've got it all wrong!
55
00:02:24,708 --> 00:02:26,843
Guys like Montague
always land on their feet.
56
00:02:26,844 --> 00:02:29,278
Do you know why that
is? Because their asses
57
00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:32,882
are full of horse shoes!
Look, it's gonna be
58
00:02:32,883 --> 00:02:35,284
10% telling him to stop acting "Bieberish"
59
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:38,154
and then 90% of awesome parties!
60
00:02:38,155 --> 00:02:40,857
Alright, you're the captain,
but trust me, you'd better
61
00:02:40,858 --> 00:02:42,892
batten down the hatches
and ready those lifeboats
62
00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:45,495
'cause this guy is the perfect storm.
63
00:02:45,496 --> 00:02:48,164
So you're saying I'm perfect? Ha ha!
64
00:02:48,165 --> 00:02:51,401
Ah... Mr. Montague!
65
00:02:51,402 --> 00:02:53,369
How long have you been
sitting in that chair?
66
00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:55,605
Would you estimate longer than 10 seconds?
67
00:02:55,606 --> 00:02:59,275
I don't know, I'm rich!
Time starts when I get there.
68
00:02:59,276 --> 00:03:02,445
Nelson Abrams, please forgive
my partner, Beckett Ryan.
69
00:03:02,446 --> 00:03:05,181
He's a bit of an idiot.
70
00:03:05,182 --> 00:03:08,885
It's OK, I get it. My
grandfather was a Senator,
71
00:03:08,886 --> 00:03:11,120
my Dad's a Senator, I'm the guy who said:
72
00:03:11,121 --> 00:03:13,856
Hey, let's jump this
ravine in my golf cart.
73
00:03:13,857 --> 00:03:17,727
Voice of experience: they lack
the necessary acceleration.
74
00:03:17,728 --> 00:03:20,430
Yeah, physics! It's a bummer.
75
00:03:20,431 --> 00:03:22,432
Ah, so listen, I've drafted
76
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:24,467
this apology letter for the G8 incident.
77
00:03:24,468 --> 00:03:26,836
Have a look at it and we'll send it off.
78
00:03:26,837 --> 00:03:31,140
I already posted my apology on Facebook.
79
00:03:31,141 --> 00:03:35,445
"Yo! Mucho condoles for the
fire, but it was Chad's idea."
80
00:03:35,446 --> 00:03:37,847
(both): Chad!
81
00:03:37,848 --> 00:03:39,916
"To make it up to the
world, I'll be holding
82
00:03:39,917 --> 00:03:42,552
"a righteous bonfire tonight.
83
00:03:42,553 --> 00:03:46,089
- No cover with babe".
- Seriously?
84
00:03:46,090 --> 00:03:48,791
Yeah, you bring a babe,
you get in free! Ha!
85
00:03:48,792 --> 00:03:52,628
OK, time to snap a quick pic to
prove to my daddy that I showed.
86
00:03:52,629 --> 00:03:55,598
Cool! I'll catch you losers later.
87
00:03:55,599 --> 00:03:58,868
Just kidding. I respect you.
88
00:04:01,004 --> 00:04:03,773
- (Ding!)
- That guy
89
00:04:03,774 --> 00:04:06,743
- is a total train wreck.
- Elevator's still open!
90
00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:10,046
So it is!
91
00:04:11,582 --> 00:04:15,118
Here we go: one root beer martini
92
00:04:15,119 --> 00:04:17,787
with a splash of pineapple juice.
93
00:04:17,788 --> 00:04:20,690
And...
94
00:04:20,691 --> 00:04:23,993
- a maraschino cherry.
- Hm...
95
00:04:23,994 --> 00:04:27,196
Oh, come on! That trick got me
96
00:04:27,197 --> 00:04:31,000
3rd place in Current Weekly's
Best Bartender Competition, see?
97
00:04:31,001 --> 00:04:34,303
I'm sorry, Abby. My cat, The Littlest Boho,
98
00:04:34,304 --> 00:04:38,007
- just passed away.
- Oh, Gordon,
99
00:04:38,008 --> 00:04:41,210
I'm so sorry. I know how
much she meant to you.
100
00:04:41,211 --> 00:04:43,613
At least she died doing what she loved:
101
00:04:43,614 --> 00:04:45,848
sleeping under the hood of my car.
102
00:04:45,849 --> 00:04:48,518
Anyways, enough of my doom and gloom.
103
00:04:48,519 --> 00:04:50,987
This third place in the
bartender thing, that's great!
104
00:04:50,988 --> 00:04:53,255
- Ah, it's not a big deal.
- Hm!
105
00:04:54,992 --> 00:04:56,993
Although it could be a
big deal if I were to be
106
00:04:56,994 --> 00:04:59,829
number one, but that doesn't
happen to people like me...
107
00:04:59,830 --> 00:05:03,032
You just need someone in PR.
I could ask Beckett or Nelson.
108
00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:06,202
Wait, I'm in PR! Let me help!
109
00:05:06,203 --> 00:05:09,172
Aw, no, it's too much work
110
00:05:09,173 --> 00:05:12,208
and the voting's almost over.
There's only 2 days left.
111
00:05:12,209 --> 00:05:14,544
Abby, local newspaper
awards are my specialty.
112
00:05:14,545 --> 00:05:17,313
When Mrs. Ogilvy was up for best cupcake,
113
00:05:17,314 --> 00:05:20,716
I was the one who kept her
past felonies out of the press.
114
00:05:20,717 --> 00:05:23,219
I'm gonna need you to do that for me too.
115
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:25,921
Sure!
116
00:05:28,025 --> 00:05:31,994
- Hey, Sweetie.
- Hey, thanks for coming, Dad.
117
00:05:31,995 --> 00:05:35,298
My pleasure. Hey, I picked up
some gelato then I forgot it
118
00:05:35,299 --> 00:05:37,433
at the liquor store when
I stopped to get scotch.
119
00:05:39,102 --> 00:05:41,571
OH! You're watching those
videos that you asked me
120
00:05:41,572 --> 00:05:43,840
to get for you, but I never did.
121
00:05:43,841 --> 00:05:46,742
- Where did you get those?
- Oh, with Bryce away in London,
122
00:05:46,743 --> 00:05:48,911
I was able to steal your
house key from his desk.
123
00:05:48,912 --> 00:05:51,514
Ah! Bryce has a key to my house...
124
00:05:51,515 --> 00:05:53,850
That's alarming news.
125
00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:55,818
Are there anymore videos? I keep winning
126
00:05:55,819 --> 00:05:57,954
stupid participation ribbons in these ones.
127
00:05:57,955 --> 00:06:01,324
Sweetheart, there's nothing
stupid about participation ribbons.
128
00:06:01,325 --> 00:06:04,493
I mean, what would sports
be without participation?
129
00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:07,230
Just be a ball sitting on
a field. Who wants that?
130
00:06:07,231 --> 00:06:09,866
Not me, no thank you!
131
00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:12,368
If I want mom to like it, I need footage
132
00:06:12,369 --> 00:06:15,104
where I decimate my opponents.
Destroy their spirits
133
00:06:15,105 --> 00:06:17,907
and just force feed them orange slices.
134
00:06:17,908 --> 00:06:21,177
Yeah, your mom would like that!
135
00:06:21,178 --> 00:06:23,846
You kids, you just
enjoyed playing the game.
136
00:06:23,847 --> 00:06:26,515
No winners and losers, just like life.
137
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:29,685
Yeah, those seven-year-old
sissies couldn't take defeat.
138
00:06:29,686 --> 00:06:32,021
If I could go back in time,
I'd just crush 'em all!
139
00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:35,958
I'm just crushing your head!
140
00:06:35,959 --> 00:06:38,594
No, Sweetie, it's just... just two fingers.
141
00:06:38,595 --> 00:06:40,763
Just two, like... just like...
142
00:06:40,764 --> 00:06:42,898
Y... Ah, never... never mind.
143
00:06:47,938 --> 00:06:50,172
Hello, respectable women.
144
00:06:50,173 --> 00:06:52,975
I hope you're enjoying your luncheon?
145
00:06:52,976 --> 00:06:55,544
Came out in the public
acting normal. Smart!
146
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:58,180
A good way to start putting out
some of the fires he started.
147
00:06:58,181 --> 00:07:00,816
Not sure how to address
the actual fires he started.
148
00:07:00,817 --> 00:07:03,706
- Looks like he's doing a good job, too.
- He has gone to the bathroom
149
00:07:03,707 --> 00:07:06,390
twice but it was actually to use
the bathroom, so that's a win.
150
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,623
Hello, boys!
151
00:07:07,624 --> 00:07:11,360
Oh, Leslie, glad you're here!
How are things at the Sentinel?
152
00:07:11,361 --> 00:07:12,073
Oh, just fine.
153
00:07:12,074 --> 00:07:14,664
Well, you're barking up the
wrong tree, unless you're
154
00:07:14,665 --> 00:07:16,899
looking for a story about
a respectable young man!
155
00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:19,101
- Mm-hm!
- Yeah, if you want, we can
156
00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:21,203
save you some time and just send
you a press release directly.
157
00:07:21,204 --> 00:07:23,572
Oh, that's very kind, but
if it's all the same to you,
158
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:26,509
- I'd rather write my own story.
- It's nice to be here
159
00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:30,146
getting in touch with the
people. You, you, you, you.
160
00:07:30,147 --> 00:07:32,515
Ah! You know, germaphobia is a very real
161
00:07:32,516 --> 00:07:34,917
and terrifying thing that
affects millions of people.
162
00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:37,486
- We take on water!
- No, no, no, he's fine,
163
00:07:37,487 --> 00:07:40,389
you know, he knows not to fart
and I've taken away his lighter.
164
00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:42,558
As long as he sticks to the script.
165
00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:45,061
...and that's why they always
name hurricanes after women.
166
00:07:45,062 --> 00:07:47,830
And the ship is sinking, captain?
167
00:07:47,831 --> 00:07:50,232
Yah, yah, I'm gonna air
lift him out of here.
168
00:07:50,233 --> 00:07:53,703
Hey, Roland Montague's the guy
that stepped on a baby, right?
169
00:07:53,704 --> 00:07:55,738
Yeah! What a schmock!
170
00:07:55,739 --> 00:07:57,573
- (choking)
- You OK?
171
00:07:57,574 --> 00:08:00,309
Hello, citizen!
172
00:08:02,579 --> 00:08:05,548
You saved my life! You're a hero!
173
00:08:05,549 --> 00:08:07,984
- Cool!
- That would look great
174
00:08:07,985 --> 00:08:09,919
on the front page of the Sentinel.
175
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,588
And don't be afraid to use the
word "hero". That's H, E, R...
176
00:08:12,589 --> 00:08:14,457
I'm a journalist, I
know how to spell "hero".
177
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:17,026
- Oh!
- Haven't had this much fun
178
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:19,128
since I stepped on that baby!
179
00:08:25,736 --> 00:08:28,371
Hey!
180
00:08:28,372 --> 00:08:30,740
- Hi!
- Hm!
181
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:33,576
- Hm...
- What?
182
00:08:33,577 --> 00:08:36,679
An award for Outstanding PR Firm.
183
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,714
Yeah, yeah, I got that at the Firmies.
184
00:08:38,715 --> 00:08:40,716
Ah! It must be nice
185
00:08:40,717 --> 00:08:42,952
to win something, hm? Score, dad!
186
00:08:42,953 --> 00:08:46,622
- Oh, yeah.
- Ha ha ha!
187
00:08:46,623 --> 00:08:49,792
Hey, I can't help but
notice that you look insane!
188
00:08:49,793 --> 00:08:52,261
Oh these? These things? Oh, Yeah!
189
00:08:52,262 --> 00:08:55,131
They're participation
awards from when I was a kid.
190
00:08:55,132 --> 00:08:58,100
Good for you. Boy, I am busy!
191
00:08:58,101 --> 00:09:01,237
It's a pretty good idea,
these participation awards.
192
00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:03,973
- Oh, really, you think so?
- Removes all the pain and tears
193
00:09:03,974 --> 00:09:06,442
from losing. Give the kids something shiny
194
00:09:06,443 --> 00:09:08,477
so they forget about how badly they played.
195
00:09:08,478 --> 00:09:10,613
Yeah, yeah, I guess that is the basic idea.
196
00:09:10,614 --> 00:09:14,316
Yeah! Whoever came up with
these participation awards
197
00:09:14,317 --> 00:09:16,819
must be pretty brilliant,
don't you think, Dad?
198
00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:19,455
Yeah, well, brilliant enough
to know where this is going.
199
00:09:19,456 --> 00:09:21,390
You know, I tracked
down my old soccer coach
200
00:09:21,391 --> 00:09:24,560
to find out where such a brilliant
idea might have come from.
201
00:09:24,561 --> 00:09:26,729
OK, you can stop now. I know that you know
202
00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:29,732
- (said together): that it was me.
- ...She told me it was YOU!
203
00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:33,536
Yes, I made a few phone
calls, I got on a few boards,
204
00:09:33,537 --> 00:09:36,605
I changed a few fundamental
principles of sport.
205
00:09:36,606 --> 00:09:38,474
But I did it for you.
206
00:09:38,475 --> 00:09:40,943
So you robbed me of
competition so that you could
207
00:09:40,944 --> 00:09:44,046
coddle your little girl and give
her a bunch of pretty ribbons?
208
00:09:44,047 --> 00:09:46,882
- Well, not...
- I don't want your ribbons.
209
00:09:46,883 --> 00:09:49,418
Well, I do because they are
very pretty. But just know
210
00:09:49,419 --> 00:09:51,654
- that you ruined sports for me.
- Don't be so self-centered,
211
00:09:51,655 --> 00:09:55,958
I ruined sports for everyone.
212
00:09:57,494 --> 00:09:59,495
We're up to second place already!
213
00:09:59,496 --> 00:10:01,897
- Really?
- Check Twitter! Vote for Abby
214
00:10:01,898 --> 00:10:04,366
- is trending.
- Amazing! How did you do that?
215
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,135
It was easy. I just
had to stay up all night
216
00:10:06,136 --> 00:10:08,137
creating 10,000 Twitter profiles.
217
00:10:08,138 --> 00:10:11,540
Well done! Second place! Awesome!
218
00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:15,411
Second place? We're not
stopping 'til we're number one!
219
00:10:15,412 --> 00:10:18,013
If someone orders a
single, give them a double.
220
00:10:18,014 --> 00:10:19,815
If it's last call, you
turn the clocks back.
221
00:10:19,816 --> 00:10:22,118
If the washrooms are full,
you send them to my house.
222
00:10:22,119 --> 00:10:24,453
If someone asks for your
number, you give them a fake one.
223
00:10:24,454 --> 00:10:27,156
- Stay safe out there, sweetie!
- Yeah!
224
00:10:27,157 --> 00:10:30,025
I've got a lot of weird energy right
now and I think I need to go outside!
225
00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:33,162
- Good idea!
- We can do it! Abby! Abby!
226
00:10:33,163 --> 00:10:36,165
(all): Abby! Abby! Abby!
227
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:40,436
He'll tire himself out.
228
00:10:40,437 --> 00:10:44,173
Well, it's official;
the story has gone viral,
229
00:10:44,174 --> 00:10:47,543
his image is changed and
we, sir, are geniuses.
230
00:10:47,544 --> 00:10:51,180
- (Ding!)
- Fellas! Oh! Watching my video?
231
00:10:51,181 --> 00:10:53,349
If you play it in slo-mo,
you can see the exact moment
232
00:10:53,350 --> 00:10:55,417
I saved the life of that bearded poor.
233
00:10:55,418 --> 00:10:59,121
Roland, good to see you!
Awesome party last night.
234
00:10:59,122 --> 00:11:01,157
Oh, you got nuts!
235
00:11:01,158 --> 00:11:03,559
And you never showed.
236
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:07,296
- I was there the entire time.
- Oh, yeah! You were the guy
237
00:11:07,297 --> 00:11:10,199
- holding up all that shrimp.
- No, that was an ice sculpture.
238
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,801
I talked to that guy for ten minutes!
239
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:15,538
Aw, so, he was melting.
240
00:11:15,539 --> 00:11:18,474
- So, to what do we owe the pleasure?
- Look at me, look at me!
241
00:11:18,475 --> 00:11:21,477
- What do you see?
- Meal ticket?
242
00:11:21,478 --> 00:11:23,779
The mayor of Future City!
243
00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:25,981
My dad was so impressed,
he wants you guys to prep me
244
00:11:25,982 --> 00:11:29,318
for a life in politics. Think
of how to announce my candidacy.
245
00:11:29,319 --> 00:11:31,887
- What's your platform?
- Think of that, too!
246
00:11:31,888 --> 00:11:34,123
Montague, out!
247
00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:37,659
I should probably just call next
time. These visits are real quick.
248
00:11:40,297 --> 00:11:42,932
(sighing): The only thing
that guy should run for
249
00:11:42,933 --> 00:11:45,834
- is the village idiot.
- Still open!
250
00:11:53,876 --> 00:11:55,702
Hey, Team Montague!
251
00:11:55,703 --> 00:11:57,704
How are Roland's political ambitions going?
252
00:11:57,705 --> 00:11:59,769
Well, that's what we
want to talk to you about.
253
00:11:59,770 --> 00:12:01,608
Oh God, what did he kill?
254
00:12:01,609 --> 00:12:04,778
Nothing. Actually, we should check on that.
255
00:12:04,779 --> 00:12:06,780
The guy can't open his mouth
without putting his foot in it.
256
00:12:06,781 --> 00:12:09,583
I like the guy. He's like a Clinton,
257
00:12:09,584 --> 00:12:13,420
mixed with a Bush,
wrapped in a... Chernobyl.
258
00:12:13,421 --> 00:12:15,789
There's nowhere to go with this guy.
259
00:12:15,790 --> 00:12:17,991
Sure there is. Straight
to bottle service, bro.
260
00:12:17,992 --> 00:12:19,860
There's a bike ride
tomorrow for the environment.
261
00:12:19,861 --> 00:12:22,195
Enter him in that, right?
The press takes some photos,
262
00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:24,931
he'll smile at some nice people
then, the word on the street
263
00:12:24,932 --> 00:12:26,933
will be "Roland Montague
is tough on pollution"
264
00:12:26,934 --> 00:12:29,403
- and he won't have to say a word.
- I'm into that!
265
00:12:29,404 --> 00:12:31,304
Plus, it'll give us an
excuse to wear bike shorts.
266
00:12:31,305 --> 00:12:34,241
- I don't wear bike shorts.
- Captain decides on the uniform. Dave?
267
00:12:34,242 --> 00:12:37,077
- Aye aye, captain!
- Cue!
268
00:12:39,514 --> 00:12:41,381
I'm Abby Hayes, and I believe
269
00:12:41,382 --> 00:12:43,650
that I'm your next top bartender.
270
00:12:46,621 --> 00:12:49,055
I have a black belt in bottle opening.
271
00:12:49,056 --> 00:12:51,458
And a PH.D in listening to your problems.
272
00:12:53,828 --> 00:12:57,864
Bloody Mary. Rum and
coke. Vodka soda. Water?
273
00:12:57,865 --> 00:13:00,600
Hey, how'd you get in here?
274
00:13:02,270 --> 00:13:05,305
So, vote for me, Abby Hayes. Give me a shot
275
00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:07,841
and I'll give you one!
276
00:13:07,842 --> 00:13:10,143
Paid for by the committee
to elect Abby Hayes
277
00:13:10,144 --> 00:13:12,078
for best bartender. OK,
there's no committee,
278
00:13:12,079 --> 00:13:14,214
it's just me, Gordon Woolmer! And... pause!
279
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:17,117
Gordon! That was amazing!
280
00:13:17,118 --> 00:13:20,454
Thanks! I put this up on
Facebook, Youtube, and MySpace
281
00:13:20,455 --> 00:13:23,490
for some reason. Oh! And I
got us coasters and posters
282
00:13:23,491 --> 00:13:25,792
and holsters for the gun crowd.
283
00:13:25,793 --> 00:13:28,595
Wow, Gordon, that's way too
much. Especially that last part.
284
00:13:28,596 --> 00:13:31,898
Look, even if we don't win...
Oh, ho ho! we're gonna win!
285
00:13:31,899 --> 00:13:35,001
Kitty didn't die in vain. We're
riding this train all the way
286
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,704
to victory land!
287
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:41,208
- Gordon, I'm trying to find...
- Train's comin', Dave, get off the track!
288
00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:44,144
(Abby): No, no, no, NO! OW!!
289
00:13:44,145 --> 00:13:47,047
Stephanie!
290
00:13:47,048 --> 00:13:49,149
Hello, everyone. Don't mind me,
291
00:13:49,150 --> 00:13:52,419
- just here to participate.
- Well, you're several hours late.
292
00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:54,754
Ah, yes, a telemarketer
called and asked if I wanted
293
00:13:54,755 --> 00:13:59,526
to participate in a survey. So
I did! 'Cause that's my thing.
294
00:13:59,527 --> 00:14:01,428
Well, I'm glad you could
make it in by lunch.
295
00:14:01,429 --> 00:14:03,597
You know, I think I'll
order from every restaurant
296
00:14:03,598 --> 00:14:05,866
in the city. Then I won't
hurt anybody's feelings.
297
00:14:05,867 --> 00:14:09,202
Well, you know what? I'm gonna stop
participating in this conversation.
298
00:14:09,203 --> 00:14:12,472
- Oh! Then you're not gonna get a ribbon!
- Don't want one!
299
00:14:15,510 --> 00:14:18,245
That is the hardest I've ever
worked. I usually only sweat
300
00:14:18,246 --> 00:14:21,014
like that going through customs.
301
00:14:21,015 --> 00:14:24,251
We've only gone a kilometer,
you've got 24 more to go.
302
00:14:24,252 --> 00:14:26,353
It's OK, we've got time
for a quick pit stop.
303
00:14:26,354 --> 00:14:28,989
The race is going great!
You're looking active,
304
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:31,358
you're supporting a good
cause, and there's almost no way
305
00:14:31,359 --> 00:14:33,360
this can end in a paternity test.
306
00:14:33,361 --> 00:14:36,296
Well, the night is young! Just
kidding, I know it's daytime.
307
00:14:36,297 --> 00:14:38,632
- A round of martinis!
- You know what? Tell you what,
308
00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:41,001
you sit down, relax, we'll get you a...
309
00:14:41,002 --> 00:14:43,803
sparkling water.
310
00:14:43,804 --> 00:14:47,607
Hey, Roland. I saw your
cherry choking video.
311
00:14:47,608 --> 00:14:50,944
That was consensual! Oh, the one
312
00:14:50,945 --> 00:14:53,513
- where I rescue that guy. Ha ha!
- Yeah.
313
00:14:53,514 --> 00:14:56,082
- There's another one.
- Right.
314
00:14:56,083 --> 00:14:58,785
So you're into environmental causes?
315
00:14:58,786 --> 00:15:01,388
Well, I am an herbalist.
If you know what I mean.
316
00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:04,491
I do drugs!
317
00:15:04,492 --> 00:15:06,493
So you don't, care about the environment?
318
00:15:06,494 --> 00:15:09,329
Ah, Earth to stranger! Of course not!
319
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,231
What do I look like, a polar bear?
320
00:15:11,232 --> 00:15:14,668
No, in fact, when the
environment goes to crap,
321
00:15:14,669 --> 00:15:17,270
my family's got a dome where
only rich people and babes
322
00:15:17,271 --> 00:15:20,273
are going to live. You
can be one of the babes!
323
00:15:20,274 --> 00:15:22,709
Provided, like, the environment
goes to crap before...
324
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:25,011
time wreaks havoc on your face.
325
00:15:25,012 --> 00:15:27,981
Oh! Leslie!
326
00:15:27,982 --> 00:15:30,250
Hi! What are you guys talking about?
327
00:15:30,251 --> 00:15:33,253
I could tell you, or you
could read it in The Sentinel.
328
00:15:33,254 --> 00:15:36,289
No! No reading! No writing!
329
00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:39,125
Oh no, you're a reporter?
330
00:15:39,126 --> 00:15:42,362
You have to tell me that before,
otherwise it's entrapment.
331
00:15:42,363 --> 00:15:45,298
You're thinking of cops. And
you're wrong about that, too.
332
00:15:45,299 --> 00:15:47,334
Safe ride, boys!
333
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:49,102
- You... Leslie...
- Leslie!
334
00:15:49,103 --> 00:15:52,372
Oh, man! My dad is going to kill me.
335
00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:54,841
That dome was a secret!
336
00:15:54,842 --> 00:15:57,510
Well, I've gotta run her down!
337
00:15:57,511 --> 00:15:59,879
(sigh)
338
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,950
Why do I always have to run somebody down?
339
00:16:06,921 --> 00:16:09,489
You wanted to see me?
340
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,658
Yes, I think it's only fair
341
00:16:11,659 --> 00:16:13,994
that I get to show you
my side of the story.
342
00:16:13,995 --> 00:16:16,363
Does your side include an apology?
343
00:16:16,364 --> 00:16:19,399
Now, you know it doesn't,
so just sit down and watch.
344
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,669
This is a video from
before participation awards.
345
00:16:22,670 --> 00:16:27,307
Alright, now here you are
losing a badminton tournament.
346
00:16:27,308 --> 00:16:29,876
(We hear a play and someone yells "Ow!")
347
00:16:29,877 --> 00:16:32,912
- Did I tackle the coach?
- No, that was the line judge.
348
00:16:32,913 --> 00:16:35,415
- (another yelp)
- ...That was the coach.
349
00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:37,651
You were banned from the league after that.
350
00:16:37,652 --> 00:16:40,954
OK, so I don't like to lose, I get it.
351
00:16:40,955 --> 00:16:43,823
This is you winning a Karate competition.
352
00:16:43,824 --> 00:16:47,994
- In your face! I'm a ninja! AAAAAH! HA!
- (reaction from the TV crowd)
353
00:16:47,995 --> 00:16:50,764
Did I just kick that
boy's father in the chest?
354
00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:53,500
It could have been an uncle
or guardian. There was no way
355
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:55,402
of verifying after he lost consciousness.
356
00:16:55,403 --> 00:16:57,404
OK, so I...
357
00:16:57,405 --> 00:17:00,006
I wasn't a kid who could
only win participation awards?
358
00:17:00,007 --> 00:17:02,342
No. Win or lose,
359
00:17:02,343 --> 00:17:04,411
you were a horrible little monster
360
00:17:04,412 --> 00:17:07,313
who might have murdered someone.
Well, I got rid of the prizes
361
00:17:07,314 --> 00:17:10,250
and you grew up to be the
wonderful woman you are today.
362
00:17:10,251 --> 00:17:13,153
Well, I understand why
you did what you did,
363
00:17:13,154 --> 00:17:15,789
- but I can't give this to mom!
- No, no,
364
00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:18,224
but don't worry, you've already
given her the best present ever.
365
00:17:18,225 --> 00:17:20,860
- What, my love?
- No.
366
00:17:20,861 --> 00:17:23,229
But ten years of child support payments.
367
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:28,768
Can I have your attention
368
00:17:28,769 --> 00:17:30,704
and a drumroll, please?
369
00:17:30,705 --> 00:17:32,772
I have here, the results
370
00:17:32,773 --> 00:17:35,642
of the Best Bartender in Town readers poll.
371
00:17:35,643 --> 00:17:39,312
After all your hard work
the votes have been counted.
372
00:17:39,313 --> 00:17:43,416
Only one can be chosen.
Without much further ado,
373
00:17:43,417 --> 00:17:46,753
the winner of the Best
Bartender in Town is...
374
00:17:46,754 --> 00:17:49,989
Abby Hayes!
375
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:52,158
YAY! Oh yay!
376
00:17:52,159 --> 00:17:54,728
- Oh, it's warm!
- Yaaaaay! Yaaaaay!
377
00:17:54,729 --> 00:17:58,298
You did an amazing job, thank you.
378
00:17:58,299 --> 00:18:00,800
Yeah, I really needed this.
Totally took my mind off
379
00:18:00,801 --> 00:18:03,570
my dead cat sitch. Which
is why we can't stop now,
380
00:18:03,571 --> 00:18:05,772
- we're going national!
- Thought you might say that.
381
00:18:05,773 --> 00:18:07,574
So, I got you a little something.
382
00:18:07,575 --> 00:18:10,677
Oh, Abby, you didn't have to
get me anything, this was...
383
00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:14,514
- Oh my God! Hi, little guy!
- (Meow!)
384
00:18:14,515 --> 00:18:17,317
My name is Gordon. I'm your mom!
385
00:18:17,318 --> 00:18:19,886
- (Meow!)
- Oh,
386
00:18:19,887 --> 00:18:22,288
hold off on the face rubbing
until you get him some shots
387
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:25,859
'cause I literally found him
behind a dumpster 2 minutes ago.
388
00:18:25,860 --> 00:18:29,362
- (Meow!)
- I'm gonna call you "Dumpster"!
389
00:18:29,363 --> 00:18:31,931
I thought, maybe, you'd call him Abby.
390
00:18:31,932 --> 00:18:34,634
- (Meow!)
- I'm gonna call you
391
00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:38,138
Dumpster Abby. Yes I am!
392
00:18:38,139 --> 00:18:41,274
We're gonna be spending
a lot of time together.
393
00:18:41,275 --> 00:18:43,510
You should get to know
me. My name's Gordon,
394
00:18:43,511 --> 00:18:47,080
I work at DLPR and, yes, I'm the cool one!
395
00:18:47,081 --> 00:18:49,249
Mm-hm! Now let's go home
396
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,852
and see if you can fit into
the Littlest Boho's clothes.
397
00:18:54,488 --> 00:18:58,258
Every media outlet in the
country is running the story.
398
00:18:58,259 --> 00:19:01,427
I guess his butt could
hold no more horse shoes.
399
00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:03,496
Dave is gonna kick us to the curb.
400
00:19:03,497 --> 00:19:06,533
He and Senator Montague have
been friends for 25 years!
401
00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:08,468
We can handle this.
402
00:19:08,469 --> 00:19:10,336
We just need to do it with grace,
403
00:19:10,337 --> 00:19:12,205
professionalism and integrity.
404
00:19:12,206 --> 00:19:14,240
- We throw him under the bus.
- Yeah, I like that.
405
00:19:14,241 --> 00:19:16,376
Just the guys I was looking for.
406
00:19:16,377 --> 00:19:19,012
Time to celebrate!
407
00:19:19,013 --> 00:19:21,381
Oh! Wait, this is empty.
408
00:19:21,382 --> 00:19:24,317
- I drank it in the elevator.
- What are we celebrating?
409
00:19:24,318 --> 00:19:26,119
Do you get different news at your house?
410
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:29,222
I found a job where all I have
to do is eat, drink, and golf.
411
00:19:29,223 --> 00:19:31,257
What!? Can I come...?
412
00:19:31,258 --> 00:19:34,093
I became a lobbyist for the oil industry.
413
00:19:34,094 --> 00:19:35,829
It's the wave of the future, literally,
414
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,697
because there's so much of it in the ocean.
415
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:40,400
OK, wait, wait, hang on. But
your dad, he's cool with this?
416
00:19:40,401 --> 00:19:43,937
Ah, he's OK, he's just glad
I didn't turn out a liberal.
417
00:19:43,938 --> 00:19:46,072
Ha ha! No offense. You
guys are a couple, right?
418
00:19:46,073 --> 00:19:48,541
Anyways, thanks for whatever it is you did!
419
00:19:48,542 --> 00:19:50,610
You've got yourselves a client for life.
420
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:54,247
- (Ding!)
- Well, good job, captain!
421
00:19:54,248 --> 00:19:56,583
Oh, I couldn't have done
it without my first mate!
422
00:19:56,584 --> 00:19:58,618
Wanna toss this for me?
423
00:19:58,619 --> 00:20:01,019
Nah, it's not really the
captain's job, though, is it!
424
00:20:02,259 --> 00:20:04,247
I'm captain next time!
425
00:20:07,376 --> 00:20:09,192
So what are we watching?
426
00:20:09,193 --> 00:20:11,127
- Home movies.
- Oh, look at the time!
427
00:20:11,128 --> 00:20:13,296
- Sit down!
- Steph, nobody wants to watch
428
00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:17,233
- your boring home movies?
- Trust me, they're not boring.
429
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:20,737
Aw, you were such a cute kid!
430
00:20:20,738 --> 00:20:22,705
(Kid hitting and kid screaming.)
431
00:20:22,706 --> 00:20:25,074
God. Why are you attacking
all the other children?
432
00:20:25,075 --> 00:20:27,710
- And where are the adults?
- Uh, they feared me.
433
00:20:27,711 --> 00:20:31,381
Oh no. What are you doing
with that croquet mallet?
434
00:20:31,382 --> 00:20:34,517
(screaming on the screen and in real life)
435
00:20:34,518 --> 00:20:41,021
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
436
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,362
Oh, Gordon, I'm so sorry.
437
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,931
- I know how much she meant to you.
- Yeah.
438
00:20:48,932 --> 00:20:51,167
At least, she died doing what she loved:
439
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:52,935
chewing extension cords.
440
00:20:52,936 --> 00:20:55,104
At least she died doing what she loved:
441
00:20:55,105 --> 00:20:57,607
underestimating the speed of cars.
442
00:20:57,608 --> 00:21:01,344
...building a bomb.
...scratching a vet in the face.
443
00:21:01,345 --> 00:21:04,647
...hiding in the oven.
...learning to fly.
444
00:21:04,648 --> 00:21:07,083
It was the landing that was tough.
445
00:21:07,084 --> 00:21:11,053
- Gordon!
- (general laughter)
446
00:21:11,054 --> 00:21:13,656
Train's comin' through,
Dave, get off the track!
447
00:21:13,657 --> 00:21:16,392
- Gordon!
- You ripped out my weave!
448
00:21:16,393 --> 00:21:19,595
(laughter also from crew)
449
00:21:19,596 --> 00:21:22,098
Sweat just goes
450
00:21:22,099 --> 00:21:24,300
- right through this thing, huh?
- Ha ha ha!
451
00:21:26,937 --> 00:21:30,239
- Score dad!
- (laughter)
452
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,975
You broke my Firmie.
453
00:21:32,976 --> 00:21:36,725
- I'm upset. Very upset!
- I know! Anything I can do!?
454
00:21:36,775 --> 00:21:41,325
Repair and Synchronization by
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