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This is the story of two sisters,
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Jessica Tate
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and Mary Campbell.
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These are the Tates,
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and these are the Campbells.
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And this is Soap.
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So when I was 8,
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we moved from Cheyenne
to Calabasas.
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You ever been to Calabasas?
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00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,457
I can't take much more of this.
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You don't have to.
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We're gonna die soon.
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00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,797
What is that?
14
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Mice. It's mice.
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Mice? That's pretty big mice!
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Burt!
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Don't say a word.
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They're right outside.
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Burt, what are you doing here?
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What am I doing here?
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00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,252
I'm the Roto-Rooter man.
22
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We're being rescued.
We're actually being rescued.
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You guys okay?
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00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,257
We're okay now.
Have you seen Wendy?
25
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:33,692
No, they're working on it.
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Let's cool down.
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Maggie, Jodie!
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Thank you!
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Excuse me, we haven't
been properly introduced.
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00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:43,669
Right, hi there.
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There's a guard right outside...
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Hey! Jodie! Maggie!
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Shut up!
Quiet!
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How's it goin'?
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Dutch!
Will you...
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Jeez, they give you
a terrible room.
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Dutch, will you please
keep it down?
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Are you guys okay?
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Terrific.
Oh, great.
40
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:56,181
Now, there's a guard...
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This place was hard to find!
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We believe it.
Now, listen.
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Hey, who's the old guy?
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00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:01,687
He'll tell you later!
45
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Hi, old man.
Hi there.
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00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,189
Dutch, will you stop!
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00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,191
We have come!
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00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:07,693
Or, as my esteemed
leader would say,
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"Enchiladas rancheros."
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Listen, there's a door...
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Hey, Jodie, you feeling okay?
52
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Fine.
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Hey, Billy, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?
54
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I can't tell you what we went
through finding this place.
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I heard.
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Listen.
This is it!
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I never thought we'd find this place!
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00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,709
You wouldn't believe
what we went through.
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Fine.
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00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:27,212
Why is everybody coming in here?
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Why?
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Se?or Valdez,
we are very grateful.
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00:02:30,183 --> 00:02:31,183
Oh, no problem.
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00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,184
You know, as I always say,
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00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:34,186
"When there is a maiden
in distress..."
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00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,589
"El Puerco will get
into her dress."
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00:02:38,591 --> 00:02:40,092
What?!
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00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,594
I always wanted to say that.
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00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:44,596
And I'm glad it's finally
out of my system.
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00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:46,598
You guys are supposed
to be outside.
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00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:48,100
Will you get out there?
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Yech! What a dump!
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00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,103
Ugh.
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00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:53,105
I should have brought the dip.
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00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,606
Listen, fellas...
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You wouldn't believe what we
went through to find this place.
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00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:00,112
Hey, Juan, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?
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Ah, s?, buenos noches.
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00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:04,116
We were very worried about you, Jodie.
80
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,118
Hey, Chuck, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?
81
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:10,055
Stop-o.
82
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,056
Zip-o.
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00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,460
Listen here, now.
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00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,462
In a little while,
they're gonna be on to us...
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00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,966
Now we're all gonna die.
86
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:21,967
What happened?
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00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,468
Major?
88
00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,337
Major, if this is
your idea of a joke?
89
00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:27,839
Nice try, sheriff.
90
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,808
That's not the Major.
91
00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:32,244
So, you have failed again,
Mr. Dallas.
92
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:35,214
You have failed to retrieve
your daughter,
93
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,649
and now you have failed
to escape.
94
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:40,586
You must realize
you cannot defeat
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a Minja Sama.
96
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,890
Now you shall...
Oh! Ho.
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00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,329
The keys.
Get the keys.
98
00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:53,332
Don't shout!
99
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,834
Oh, Wendy.
Oh!
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00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,836
All right.
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00:03:57,837 --> 00:03:59,838
If you don't mind my saying so,
102
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,340
we've worn out our welcome here.
103
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:04,343
So let us get the hell out.
104
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:09,848
Saunders,
105
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:10,849
how can we thank you?
106
00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:13,319
Something from Tiffany's
would be nice.
107
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,655
Oh, listen,
hey, old-paly,
108
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:19,091
if you wanna come along,
there's room in the camper.
109
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,026
Oh, you're...
You're too kind.
110
00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:25,464
You know, it's been
25 years since I've seen the light of day.
111
00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:28,968
Your skin looks wonderful.
112
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:35,474
Say, tell me, how's President
Eisenhower doing these days?
113
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:38,477
Gee, I'm sorry to tell you,
but Ike's passed on.
114
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,312
Oh, my God.
115
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:42,815
That means that Nixon
is president.
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00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:58,196
Okay, now, you're sure
you're not feeling faint?
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00:04:58,197 --> 00:04:59,197
No, I'm fine.
118
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:00,699
Oh, good. Okay.
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Oh!
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00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:06,638
She just fainted
five minutes ago.
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00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,140
She's a fainter.
122
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She's always been a fainter.
123
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,143
You should have seen her.
124
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,644
Her eyes rolled back
in her head.
125
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,147
She looked like Orphan Annie.
126
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,549
Put your head
between your knees.
127
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:18,550
You're talking to me?
128
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:19,552
No.
129
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:23,488
I didn't know the eyes
rolled back.
130
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:24,890
That part surprised me.
131
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,893
She has fainted all her life.
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00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:31,897
If we added it up, she's been
two, three years out cold.
133
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:35,600
She's going to be okay,
thank you.
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00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,103
Mary, I cannot believe
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00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,605
you haven't outgrown
this fainting business.
136
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:43,108
Oh, Jess, you're talking to me.
137
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Head down.
138
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:49,047
You fainted over everything,
everywhere we went.
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To the dentist,
the movies, the zoo.
140
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,552
I have spent half my life
picking you up off the floor.
141
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,758
Jess, I need you so.
142
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:02,728
I'm in trouble.
My life is a mess.
143
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,230
I don't know what to do.
144
00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:08,233
The baby might be an alien.
Burt barely speaks to me.
145
00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:10,636
And I've started drinking.
146
00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:17,342
Mary, are you just saying this
to get back on my good side?
147
00:06:18,811 --> 00:06:21,813
Oh, Jessie, I've missed you so.
148
00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:25,617
Well, Mary, I've missed you too.
149
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,553
You have?
150
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,555
Yes.
151
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:34,059
Yes, I have.
Oh! Oh, Mary.
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00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,062
Oh, Mary, when we broke up,
I just didn't know what to do,
153
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because I couldn't
go to my best friend
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and tell her about my sister,
155
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and I couldn't go to my sister
156
00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:43,034
and tell her
about my best friend,
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because you were both,
and I didn't have anybody
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to talk to.
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00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:47,539
Me neither.
160
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:51,543
Jess, you do understand about
Chester, don't you?
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00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:53,044
I mean, there didn't seem
any point,
162
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except possibly to hurt...
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I didn't want to do that.
164
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:59,551
I know, Mary.
165
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,052
Well, it was just
one of those times
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00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:03,054
when there was no
terrific thing to do.
167
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,056
I mean, to tell me
or not to tell me,
168
00:07:05,057 --> 00:07:07,058
both of them were terrible.
169
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,328
It's okay, Mary.
I understand now.
170
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:11,296
Jess.
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00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:12,798
Mwah!
172
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:15,801
So... what's all this
about your life?
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00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:19,304
I drink a lot, Jess.
174
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:23,775
Well, Mary, you should.
The body needs fluids.
175
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,778
See, you can go for weeks
without eating,
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00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,580
but only a couple of days
without drinking.
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00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:31,883
Then your tongue turns black
and falls out of your head.
178
00:07:31,884 --> 00:07:36,321
No, Jess, alcohol.
I think I'm an alcoholic.
179
00:07:36,322 --> 00:07:38,323
You are not an alcoholic.
180
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:41,293
Now, what's this about
the baby being an alien?
181
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,261
He does odd things, Jess.
182
00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:47,132
Mary, drunks see things.
183
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:50,569
Jessica, I am not seeing things.
184
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,437
They're real.
185
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:56,408
Mary, are you asking me to trust
an alcoholic about this?
186
00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:59,845
Believe me, it is not the baby.
187
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,346
It's the bourbon.
188
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:03,348
The baby is just fine.
189
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:04,349
Now, what about Burt?
190
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,351
What's the matter
with you and Burt?
191
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:07,786
I'm afraid I'm losing him.
192
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,322
Well, Mary, if you keep drinking
and seeing things,
193
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,290
can you blame him?
194
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:15,293
They're real, Jess. Really.
195
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,295
I mean, it started
before the drinking.
196
00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:20,298
Burt and the baby,
it started before.
197
00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:21,233
It did?
198
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,634
Yes.
199
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:25,570
Come on, Mary, let's go.
200
00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:27,072
We've got a lot to talk about.
201
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:29,074
We can't talk about it here.
Let's have lunch.
202
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,576
We'll talk about it
over a drink.
203
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,025
So, what do you think?
204
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,927
I think I'm in shock.
205
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,428
What's so shocking?
206
00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:52,364
You asked me to marry you.
207
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,865
Now I'm asking you to marry me.
208
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,867
Maggie, I asked you to marry me
209
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,369
when I thought
we were gonna die.
210
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,972
I meant it at the time.
211
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,541
I mean, it's not like I thought,
212
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,376
"What the hell,
we're gonna die anyway."
213
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,346
Well, you haven't asked me since
we made love in the dungeon.
214
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:13,151
So I thought I would ask you.
215
00:09:13,152 --> 00:09:16,155
Will you marry me?
216
00:09:19,992 --> 00:09:22,093
Maggie, it's not that
I don't want to.
217
00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:23,662
It's just that,
I don't think you understand
218
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,664
everything that's involved here.
219
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:29,167
So you're saying that
you do want to...
220
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:33,138
Maggie, don't you understand?
I don't know what I am.
221
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,641
What if, in two years,
I fall in love with another man?
222
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:39,644
What if, in two years,
223
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:40,645
I fall in love with another man?
224
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:42,080
That's normal.
225
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,081
But that's not normal for me.
226
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,583
I don't fall in love with men.
227
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:49,955
I love you.
I want to marry you.
228
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:51,957
Maggie, I'm afraid.
229
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,960
Jodie, you are not a fruit cup.
230
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:58,430
How do you know?
How do you...
231
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,899
I don't even know that!
232
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:02,767
So this is it?
233
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,736
This is goodbye?
234
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:07,672
Maggie, what about therapy?
235
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,608
I don't need it.
236
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,778
For me. For me
to be sure... about me.
237
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:17,282
Jodie, you don't just
go to a shrink
238
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,284
and get straightened out
in a day.
239
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,654
Maggie, I want you to wait.
240
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:25,757
But I don't feel
that I can ask you to wait.
241
00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:27,259
Will you wait?
242
00:10:30,162 --> 00:10:31,663
Jodie, I love you.
243
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:34,032
Maggie, I love you.
244
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:37,636
I just wanna be sure
that I always will.
245
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,210
Hiya, Jodie.
246
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,211
Uh, hey, Phillip.
247
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,713
Haven't seen you,
uh, around lately.
248
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:51,216
Yeah, I have been
kind of here and there.
249
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,219
This is, uh, interesting.
250
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:57,222
Uh, Maggie, this is Phillip.
251
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,691
Phillip, this is Maggie,
my fianc?e.
252
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,494
Hi, Phil.
253
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,863
This is a joke, right?
254
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:06,331
I beg your pardon?
255
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,333
Listen, Phil, it was
really nice seeing you again.
256
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,335
Oh, yeah, right, sure.
257
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,337
Uh, Jodie...
258
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,842
Of course it's a real
woman, you idiot.
259
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:33,425
Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff!
260
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:34,927
All right, knock it off.
261
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,429
Now, I told you,
262
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,831
nobody gets called on
if they stand up.
263
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:40,833
You must sit down.
264
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,268
And raise your hand.
265
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,770
Man in the leisure suit.
266
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:48,773
Sheriff, when you had dinner
at the White House,
267
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:49,774
what did you talk about?
268
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,744
Crime and veal.
269
00:11:52,745 --> 00:11:54,212
Would you elaborate on that?
270
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:57,115
Well, we voted the veal
is better in the east.
271
00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:58,450
It's more tender.
272
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:00,885
And that, uh, crime is very bad.
273
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,387
All right, this guy over here
274
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,388
with all the gold chains.
275
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,390
Sheriff,
I'm from People Magazine,
276
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,894
we'd, uh, like to know, uh,
what you sleep in.
277
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:12,864
A bed.
278
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:13,865
A bed!
279
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,868
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,
280
00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:18,369
but this press conference
is over.
281
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:22,373
Sheriff Campbell has business
to take care of.
282
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,875
There'll be another one
again soon.
283
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,376
Come on.
284
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:27,378
All right, let's go, let's go.
285
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,881
Next time, wear ties.
286
00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:34,385
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
287
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,887
Okay. There ya go.
288
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:42,393
Danny, I'm so glad to see you.
289
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:43,394
Where you been?
290
00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:44,896
It's been a couple of days.
291
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,397
Look, all right.
292
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:47,899
I'm sorry for what I said.
293
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,901
I-I-I take it
all back.
294
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:52,403
You and Gwen,
it's fine. It's...
295
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,405
So what'd you do, you eloped?
296
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:55,907
We didn't elope, Burt.
297
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:58,409
Good, thank God, because that
was a terrible idea.
298
00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:00,912
How'd you do it?
299
00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:02,347
What'd you say?
300
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,350
Well, they asked me about my dinner
at the White House. I told them.
301
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:08,853
Nah, come on, don't play games.
What'd you say?
302
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,355
Well, that it was lovely.
303
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,223
That we had veal parmesan
and broccoli.
304
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:13,591
To Gwen.
305
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,493
What did you say to Gwen?
306
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:18,930
What? Wait a minute, I didn't...
I haven't... I didn't...
307
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,431
You told her something, Burt.
308
00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:22,433
You told her something
to make her go away.
309
00:13:22,434 --> 00:13:24,435
Now, I wanna know
what it was and where she is!
310
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,938
Danny, I'm telling...
Listen, I'm swearing to you.
311
00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:28,439
I don't know
what you're talking about.
312
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,375
I didn't see her, I didn't
talk to... What's up?
313
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,277
She's gone.
314
00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:35,246
I went out to rent a car,
and when I came back, she was gone.
315
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:38,650
She was gonna marry me, Burt.
And then you tell me
316
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,653
you think it's a bad idea,
and then she disappears.
317
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,655
Now, what the hell
did you say to her?
318
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,658
Did you tell her to leave
for me, huh? For my career?
319
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,159
What the hell did you say, Burt?
320
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,161
Danny listen to me.
Now, listen. I swear,
321
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,597
I swear that I said
nothing to her.
322
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:54,098
I haven't seen her, Danny.
323
00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:57,535
That was a terrific news
conference, sheriff.
324
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:59,037
Yeah fine, Perkins...
325
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,038
Boy, those answers were great.
326
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:03,541
Bed! I love that!
You sleep in a bed.
327
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:05,043
Ha-ha. Great answers!
328
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:07,045
Did you come in here
329
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,047
just to kinda
shoot the breeze or what?
330
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:10,548
Oh, no, I brought the mail, sir.
331
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,050
Uh, there's some fan letters,
332
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:14,052
uh, your subscription
to Guns and Ammo has started.
333
00:14:14,053 --> 00:14:16,054
Thank you, Perkins,
you can leave now.
334
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:18,056
One from Bill Buckley.
I'd read it right away.
335
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:20,058
And a letter
from your girlfriend.
336
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:21,559
Perkins.
337
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,560
Yes, sir?
338
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:24,062
Could you go?
339
00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:26,064
Sure.
340
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,066
Now?
341
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,572
I'm sor...
342
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:50,588
"Dear Danny, I can't marry you.
I don't love you.
343
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:53,091
"I never have.
You're just a good friend.
344
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:59,030
That's all. Gwen."
345
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:02,934
Danny, I'm sorry. I had
nothing to do with this.
346
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:05,436
I would never hurt you
like this.
347
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:07,439
Danny, I am...
I'm sorry.
348
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:12,944
Guess I owe you an apology.
349
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,946
No, just forget about that.
350
00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:16,948
What is it, Burt?
351
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:19,450
What the hell happens?
352
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:24,923
Elaine gets murdered,
Polly leaves me, and now Gwen.
353
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,826
Every time I fall in love,
something happens.
354
00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:33,197
Is this the way it's gonna be
for the rest of my life?
355
00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,099
Am I gonna be alone forever?
356
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,101
Come on, Danny.
What are you talking...
357
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,605
Wait a minute.
358
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,608
Hi-ho, Bat Campbell here.
359
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,545
Whoopsie-do, governor.
How are ya?
360
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:49,580
Hoo-hoo!
361
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,583
No, busy. Am I?
Of course I'm not busy.
362
00:15:52,584 --> 00:15:54,085
Whatever you... Go ahead.
363
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:56,921
Golf?
364
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,423
Oh! When?
365
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:02,427
Sunday, you got it!
Golf, I love golf.
366
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:03,929
I love the shirts.
367
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,770
Have a seat, Mr. Dallas.
368
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:14,772
Dr. Rudolph will be with you
in just a minute.
369
00:16:14,773 --> 00:16:16,274
Thank you.
370
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:20,278
Ooh!
371
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:21,779
Hello.
372
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,781
Dr. Rudolph?
373
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:24,782
Hello.
374
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,784
I'm Jodie Dallas...
I'm sorry,
375
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:28,786
my palms are a little
sweaty. I'm nervous.
376
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,722
I take it this is
your first therapy season.
377
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,223
You could tell.
378
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:35,693
It's perfectly normal to be
a little nervous the first time.
379
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:36,694
Oh, good.
380
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:38,196
Therapy can be
pretty terrifying,
381
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:39,697
or it can be really...
382
00:16:39,698 --> 00:16:41,199
Everybody down!
383
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,700
What is it?
384
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,168
Bees.
385
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,203
What?
386
00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:46,704
Bees.
387
00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:47,705
Where?
388
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:49,207
All around us!
389
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,710
Get back!
390
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:54,713
Get back!
391
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:59,184
I take it you're not the doctor.
392
00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:02,220
They're gone.
393
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:04,655
But they'll be back.
394
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:07,659
They always come back.
Bees are animals.
395
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:13,998
They're back.
Get away from me.
396
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:17,502
Ooh! Get them off!
397
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:22,006
It's pretty unusual for this
time of the year, isn't it?
398
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:23,441
Ow!
399
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:24,776
What?
400
00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:27,278
I'm stung...
401
00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:28,780
right on the beeper!
402
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,782
Do something.
403
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,784
Help me! Help me!
404
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:36,287
Uh, how about a little
calamine lotion?
405
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:37,755
What?
406
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:41,759
Look, uh, a little
calamine lotion.
407
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,662
Are you crazy?
408
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:48,400
That bottle is completely empty.
409
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,237
I'm getting out of here.
410
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,510
Okay, that's it.
411
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:01,512
Mr. Dallas.
412
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:03,514
H-h-hi. Hi.
413
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:06,017
I'm feeling much better now.
Thank you.
414
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:10,021
I know. Everyone's a little
nervous the first time.
415
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,522
Dr. Rudolph?
416
00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:12,523
Yes.
417
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:14,025
Hi.
418
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:17,028
Uh, can I ask you something?
419
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,529
That guy who just left here...
420
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:21,533
Bigelow. Nice fella.
Hates bees.
421
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,036
What seems to be troubling you?
422
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,537
Nothing.
423
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:28,940
This is gonna be
a short session.
424
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,945
Well. Have a seat.
425
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,949
See, I don't, uh...
426
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,451
I don't see bees
flying around or anything.
427
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,120
I'm a pretty normal guy.
428
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,389
I see. But there must be
some reason why you're here.
429
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,325
Yes.
430
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:52,396
I wanna get married.
431
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:54,232
To me?
432
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:57,602
No, you see, I'm gay.
Or I used to be gay.
433
00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:00,104
I don't know, but I know
I'm in love with a woman,
434
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:01,572
and I wanna marry her.
435
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:02,940
Why don't ya?
436
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:04,842
Because it wouldn't
be fair to her.
437
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,844
Say we had a child,
and in two years,
438
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,279
I fall in love with another man.
439
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,181
Do you want children?
440
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,683
Oh yeah, that's why I have one.
441
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:13,684
You have a child?
442
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:16,587
Mm-hm. But not by her,
by another woman.
443
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:19,357
Let me get his straight.
444
00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:21,726
You have a child by one woman,
445
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,094
but you want to marry
another woman
446
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,062
and someday
have children with her,
447
00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:27,832
and you're worried
about being gay.
448
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:32,136
The other woman doesn't count,
because it wasn't love.
449
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:33,137
That's a whole other story.
450
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:34,505
Story?
451
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,908
Sounds like a miniseries.
452
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,409
So I thought I would come
to a shrink...
453
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,311
I beg your pardon.
454
00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:42,280
Oh, that's perfectly all right.
455
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:43,781
I don't mind being called
a shrink.
456
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:46,050
I call my shrink a shrink.
457
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:47,552
You've have a shrink?
458
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,353
Shrinks can't have shrinks?
459
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:52,256
Yeah, sure,
I... I guess that's normal.
460
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:53,658
I mean, you spend all day
461
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:55,660
listening
to everybody's problems,
462
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:57,161
I imagine you'd go
a little bananas.
463
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,597
We don't like
to use the term "bananas."
464
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:04,368
"Bananas" and "crackers."
465
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:05,803
Sorry.
466
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,572
It's all right.
It's perfectly true.
467
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:11,309
If I didn't have a shrink,
I probably would go bananas.
468
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,277
So you'll help me?
469
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:15,746
Well, we can work on this,
and in time,
470
00:20:15,747 --> 00:20:19,484
I think we can come
to some conclusions.
471
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:21,986
How long?
472
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,454
Depends.
473
00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:25,923
May take a matter of months
or a matter of years.
474
00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:27,892
Most likely the latter.
475
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,328
I can't ask Maggie
to wait years for me.
476
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,763
Mr. Dallas,
there are no shortcuts.
477
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:34,165
What about hypnosis?
478
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,200
You know, I read that
some woman some place
479
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,169
was brought back to another life
or something,
480
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,137
and in a matter of moments,
it became clear
481
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,573
as to why she cried
every time she wore a hat.
482
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,542
Hypnotherapy is a tool,
483
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:47,445
but it's not always effective,
Mr. Dallas. There are dangers.
484
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:48,446
Like what?
485
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:50,948
Well, it is conceivable
that I couldn't bring you back.
486
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:54,819
You could actually get locked
into a different time period.
487
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:57,321
And I'd get sued up the gi-gi.
488
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,291
I'd sign a waver releasing you
of all liabilities.
489
00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:04,228
Then again, hypnotherapy can
prove to be extremely valuable.
490
00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:06,731
Would you be interested
in some other forms
491
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:07,732
of psychiatric shortcuts?
492
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:08,733
Like what?
493
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:12,236
Oh, the, uh, sensory
deprivation tank.
494
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:13,237
What's this?
495
00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:14,238
Trust me, you'll love it.
496
00:21:14,239 --> 00:21:16,240
Sign right there.
497
00:21:16,241 --> 00:21:20,077
Then there's LSD 25.
498
00:21:20,078 --> 00:21:22,346
A very fine alternative.
499
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:23,881
No, no acid.
500
00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:25,283
I draw the line
at hallucinogenics.
501
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,786
Great, just testing.
It's illegal anyway.
502
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,790
Well, uh, when can
I begin treatment?
503
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,292
Now, that's the hard part.
504
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,761
Let me see when I can
possibly get to you.
505
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:37,762
Oh, tomorrow would be great.
506
00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:40,264
What luck! I just happen
to have free time tomorrow.
507
00:21:40,265 --> 00:21:41,766
That's terrific.
508
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:42,767
Same time tomorrow?
509
00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:45,770
Great, see you then.
510
00:21:45,771 --> 00:21:46,771
Uh, doctor...
511
00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:49,174
Sorry, we don't validate.
512
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,646
Cancel my appointment
for tomorrow at this time.
513
00:21:55,647 --> 00:22:00,618
Have we got a hot one.
This guy actually signs wavers!
514
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:11,729
Since the psychiatrist convinced Jodie
515
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:13,731
that hypnosis might help himfind himself,
516
00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:15,733
will Jodie findanything he likes?
517
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:18,235
And if not, will he stillpay his doctor's bill?
518
00:22:18,236 --> 00:22:20,738
Now that Jessica and Marystarted speaking again,
519
00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:22,239
will Mary stop drinking?
520
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,642
Or will she continue to findsolace in a bottle?
521
00:22:24,643 --> 00:22:27,645
Will Burt's newfound fame causehis ego to grow?
522
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:30,147
And if so, will he have to finda bigger office?
523
00:22:30,148 --> 00:22:32,149
These questions and many others
524
00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:35,553
will be answeredin the next episode of Soap.
525
00:22:35,603 --> 00:22:40,153
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