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1
00:00:06,756 --> 00:00:08,008
Shields up!
2
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:11,177
Let's move that payload.
Go, Gladiators!
3
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:18,101
So, you are not even
playing this video game?
4
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:21,688
You're just watching these other nerds
playing the video game?
5
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,816
This is the Overwatch League.
6
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,693
It's the world's top e-athletes.
7
00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:27,902
E-who cares?
8
00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,030
[knock on door]
9
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:32,449
That sounds like a weak-wristed knock.
10
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:33,742
Come in, Leslie.
11
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,202
[panting]
12
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,122
Hi, everybody.
13
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,707
Exciting news.
14
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,876
I got two extra tickets to the opera.
15
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:51,092
Penelope, I was thinking maybe
you and Mateo may want to come.
16
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,553
Thank you so much for the offer,
but I just can't.
17
00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:56,014
I'm completely swamped with disinterest.
18
00:00:56,931 --> 00:00:58,600
Are you sure?
19
00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:00,852
Opera-tunity only knocks once.
20
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:05,023
Ay, Leslie, no.
21
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,277
Maybe I can take those tickets.
22
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,238
Since when did you
get into the opera, Elena?
23
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,408
Well, I've been looking
for an opera-tunity...
24
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:19,704
to go out on the town
with my Syd-nificant other.
25
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,915
[Elena and Leslie laugh]
26
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:24,167
Berto, I am ready.
27
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,294
No? Ah.
28
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:29,964
Hey, Mom, can I go skydiving?
29
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:31,841
You're right, too dangerous.
30
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,135
I'll just go to the concert
Dylan invited me to instead.
31
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,345
Much safer. Thanks.
32
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,971
Yeah, nice try. Few questions.
33
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,890
What concert is it? Where is it?
Can I come?
34
00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,475
Oh, wait. You're not going.
35
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:45,105
Please, Mom, it's Bud E. Fest,
this really chill outdoor music festival.
36
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:48,983
No! You could get kidnapped,
trampled, or molested.
37
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,236
You never let me do anything
38
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,238
because you always think
I'm gonna get molested.
39
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:55,156
And have you ever been molested?
40
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:57,492
No.
41
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,328
You're welcome.
42
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,831
Sorry, buddy,
but you ain't going to Buddy Fest.
43
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,667
Please, Mom.
There will be tons of security.
44
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,919
Plus, it's outdoors during the day.
45
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,504
It's basically a church picnic.
46
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,258
Look. Come on, I'm 15.
47
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:15,343
How old were you
when you went to your first concert?
48
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:17,345
Seventeen. Lisa Lisa.
49
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,930
What are you talking about?
50
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,432
Twenty-three, and we saw Julio Iglesias.
51
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:22,892
Mami, that's right.
52
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:26,896
That Lisa Lisa thing
was a crazy dream that I had
53
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,523
that I snuck out to a concert,
54
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:32,402
but really, I was home that night in bed,
sleeping like two pillows under a blanket.
55
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:37,198
Well, I would never dream of sneaking out.
56
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,160
That's why I'm asking you.
57
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:42,287
'Cause I'm a good kid...
58
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:46,291
who tells his mother everything.
59
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:52,005
If you want to go to a concert,
why don't you come with us to the opera?
60
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:53,840
We have two extra tickets.
61
00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:55,133
But I'm using those.
62
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,719
Oh, yeah.
63
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,472
{\an8}♪ This is it ♪
64
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:05,977
{\an8}♪ This is life, the one you getSo go and have a ball ♪
65
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,687
{\an8}♪ This is it ♪
66
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:12,609
{\an8}♪ Straight ahead and rest assuredYou can't be sure at all ♪
67
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:17,739
{\an8}♪ So while you're here, enjoy the viewKeep on doing what you do ♪
68
00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:19,824
{\an8}♪ Hold on tightWe'll muddle through ♪
69
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,743
{\an8}♪ One day at a time ♪
70
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,912
{\an8}♪ So, up on your feet ♪
71
00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:26,664
{\an8}♪ Somewhere there's music playing ♪
72
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,250
♪ Don't you worry none ♪
73
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,961
♪ We'll just take it like it comes ♪
74
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,047
♪ One day at a time ♪
75
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,175
♪ One day at a time ♪
76
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,885
♪ One day at a time ♪
77
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:45,725
- ♪ One day at a time ♪- ♪ One day at a time ♪
78
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:47,810
♪ One day at a time ♪
79
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,271
Schneider, I need to talk.
80
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,693
{\an8}Sure. I'm not doing anything.
81
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,614
{\an8}Is this a jigsaw puzzle?
82
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,451
{\an8}Of my family?
83
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:08,665
{\an8}The only missing piece is me.
84
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,752
{\an8}Well, I'm sorry for bursting in.
85
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,379
{\an8}I'm really sorry.
86
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:18,216
{\an8}Um, but I am worried about Alex.
87
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:21,970
{\an8}Oh, don't be. Once I get the outline
of his head, the face will be easy.
88
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,389
{\an8}Not that.
89
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,058
{\an8}He's at a concert I let him go to.
90
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:28,559
{\an8}I think I made a terrible mistake.
91
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:32,105
{\an8}I remember my first concert in Canada.
92
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,899
{\an8}Bryan Adams at the Chilliwack Moose Lodge.
93
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,777
{\an8}Man, that mosh pit was wild.
94
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,905
{\an8}There was a mosh pit
at a Bryan Adams concert?
95
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,573
Every concert has a mosh pit.
96
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,243
{\an8}A girlfriend once took me
to see Streisand,
97
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:48,162
{\an8}I almost lost an eye during
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers."
98
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,000
{\an8}Okay, this is not helping me get over
99
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:55,712
{\an8}my crazy yet completely justified
Cuban overprotectiveness!
100
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:57,880
{\an8}Look, at some point,
101
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,133
{\an8}you're going to have to
start trusting Alex.
102
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:03,219
{\an8}It's not like you can go everywhere
with him and spy on him.
103
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,017
Or...
104
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,144
[hip hop music plays]
105
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:20,403
Yeah, I think we blend in pretty well.
106
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,035
Well, I'm glad we came.
107
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,746
Yeah, this place
actually seems pretty safe.
108
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,581
There's a lot of security.
109
00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:35,293
Yeah, concerts have gotten
so refined since my day.
110
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,795
I just got my beard trimmed
at the grooming tent.
111
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,632
I was gonna get eyelash extensions,
but the line was too long.
112
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,803
Seriously, that porta potty
is nicer than my bathroom.
113
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,097
It has three-ply toilet paper.
114
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:50,725
Well, it did.
115
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:58,775
Okay, so Alex should be somewhere
in that section over there.
116
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,943
Okay. Here, I brought my binoculars.
117
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:01,861
Great.
118
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,655
What the...What?
119
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:06,949
Oh. Whoops.
120
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,078
These are my bar-noculars.
121
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,373
I've been sober so long,
I forgot I had these.
122
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:14,540
God!
123
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,044
Oh, no, I'm not doing my move. No.
124
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,171
Still works.
125
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:22,590
Yeah, anyway, I don't need binoculars
126
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,550
because I made Alex wear
a long-sleeve shirt
127
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,885
so he wouldn't catch pneumonia.
128
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,846
A red-and-white striped shirt.
129
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:33,393
- Oh, my god, you Waldoed him!
- Yup.
130
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,521
Oh! There's Waldito.
131
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,857
Oh. Well, it looks like he's doing okay.
132
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,486
Wait. Why is he holding a pen?
133
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,822
Maybe he wants to get an autograph.
134
00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:48,449
He's putting the pen in his mouth.
135
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,035
I do the same thing.
It's a bad habit.
136
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,788
Oh, it's a worse habit than you think.
137
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,289
Pen, he's vaping.
138
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,791
Pen, vaping.
139
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,918
Vape pen, Pen. Vape...
140
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,088
Oh, my god.
I did not even mean to do that.
141
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,716
Maybe it's just nicotine.
142
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,806
{\an8}[Penelope] "Bud E. Fest"?
143
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:18,729
I cannot believe this concert
is promoting marijuana!
144
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,693
I wondered why
Wiz Khalifa and Willie Nelson
145
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,570
were performing at the same show.
146
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:40,543
So...
147
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,796
aria ready for some opera?
148
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:48,134
I give that pun a tenor so.
149
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,844
[laughs]
150
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:51,929
You think I would survive this fall?
151
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,600
These seats are awesome.
152
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:57,852
Thank you so much
for the ticket hookup, Dr. B.
153
00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:59,937
No problem. It's a double date.
154
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,440
Double date?
Who's the couple they're with?
155
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,109
I am so excited.
156
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:08,321
I read that the part of Annio
is a trouser role,
157
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:12,366
a male part played by an actress
in men's clothing.
158
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,659
Really?
159
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,953
So this opera is gender-nonconforming!
160
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,371
Like you.
161
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,542
You make everything gay.
162
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,047
Even the opera is gay to you.
163
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:27,632
What is next?
164
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,050
Ballet?
165
00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:35,723
[scoffs]
166
00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,518
You really didn't have to
drag me out of that concert.
167
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,144
How'd you get to me
through those people?
168
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:44,398
I had to crowd-surf across 2,000 hands.
169
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,567
And yes, I am aware of the irony
170
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:49,445
that, technically, I am the one
that ended up getting molested.
171
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,160
I cannot believe you were smoking pot.
172
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:57,495
I wasn't smoking, I was vaping.
173
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:58,996
Well, in that case, all good.
174
00:08:59,080 --> 00:08:59,997
- Really?
- No!
175
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,126
How long has this been going on?
176
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,461
It was my first time.
177
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:07,880
And last time.
178
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,717
Dylan's brother had it
and everybody was trying it.
179
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:13,928
I didn't even like it.
180
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,054
It was stupid.
181
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:16,055
It was stupid.
182
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:17,890
Stupid of me to trust you.
183
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,934
Well, I won't be making
that mistake again.
184
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,979
Because the next time
you're allowed to go to a concert,
185
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,106
it'll be so far in the future,
186
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,109
robots will rule the galaxy.
187
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:32,613
And music will have been outlawed anyway.
188
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:34,156
What?
189
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,866
I don't know. I'm very upset!
190
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,287
It's not that big of a deal.
191
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,998
It's not as bad as alcohol
and everyone drinks.
192
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,165
You even smell like booze.
193
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:46,627
I think.
194
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:49,964
What does booze even smell like?
195
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,301
Don't be cute.
196
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,721
You're grounded. Go to your room.
197
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,311
[sighs]
198
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:13,988
[coughs]
199
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:18,200
- [opera aria plays]
- This opera's just so long.
200
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:23,623
And not enough intermissions when you have
the bladder of a hummingbird.
201
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:30,254
Getting up in the middle of a solo?
202
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,673
So disruptive.
203
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,551
[coughs loudly]
204
00:10:38,387 --> 00:10:39,722
Abuelita, you okay?
205
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:42,683
I'm...[coughs]
206
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,393
I'm fine.
207
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:46,562
Do you have something to drink?
208
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,230
Ah! [chuckles]
209
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,527
You accidentally brought
your real opera glasses
210
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,488
instead of the ones filled with rum?
211
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,449
What about a lozenge?
212
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,493
Oh, Leslie has some.
213
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,497
[coughs]
214
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:14,965
Ah.
215
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,801
Do you feel better now, Abuelita?
216
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,811
So he shows me a drill and I say,
217
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:30,481
"You better put that thing away
or you're gonna need a dentist."
218
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:34,151
So, whatever.
Now I'm banned from Home Depot.
219
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,030
Thank you, Ramona.
220
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:41,659
And I think that completes
the entire Westfield Mall.
221
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,831
Well, I have something to share.
222
00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:49,792
Um, this afternoon, I went to Bud E. Fest.
223
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,044
- Yeah, you did.
- Nice.
224
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:54,213
I didn't know you smoked weed.
225
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,798
I went there to spy on my son.
226
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,633
Oh, that sounds more like you. Yeah.
227
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,804
And I caught Alex smoking or...
228
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,306
whatever, vaping pot.
229
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,809
That stuff was everywhere.
It was like right out in the open.
230
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,519
Well, it is legal now.
231
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:12,314
I'm more of a Chardonnay
and Tylenol PM gal myself.
232
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,400
Out like a light.
233
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,361
Responsibly.
234
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,489
I don't smoke since I'm sober,
235
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,742
but, boy, did I like it.
236
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,243
Not me.
237
00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:27,037
Weed make me paranoid,
like everyone's out to get me.
238
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,039
'Cause when you're black, everyone is.
239
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,918
Well, marijuana has really helped me.
240
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,378
With the pain from your injury?
241
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,672
Sure, we'll say that.
242
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:40,593
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Yes, big time.
243
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:43,012
I mean, a lot of vets I know
were prescribed opiates
244
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,847
and couldn't get off of them.
245
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,056
Yeah, it's a big problem.
246
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,516
Yeah, my ex was one of them.
247
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,059
I smoke weed on occasion.
248
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,603
It's really chilled me out.
249
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,980
What were you like before?
250
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,404
[laughs]
251
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:04,241
Look, weed is just not my thing.
252
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,286
I mean, I get how it can be helpful
or even kind of fun.
253
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:10,706
Of course I've tried it,
but Alex can't know that.
254
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,041
He needs to think I'm perfect.
255
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,751
I think you're perfect.
256
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:20,800
I'm sorry. I'm a little high right now.
257
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,429
Okay, well, we're adults. Alex is 15.
258
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,516
That's true. At that age,
the brain is still developing.
259
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,476
So did you go all Home Depot on him?
260
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,896
Okay, first of all,
that's not a phrase normal people use.
261
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:35,648
And, no.
262
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:38,442
It was a one-time thing
and he gets it now.
263
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:41,237
In fact, I didn't overreact.
264
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,156
I was understanding, but clear and firm.
265
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,158
One and done. Nipped it in the bud.
266
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,035
[laughter]
267
00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:51,247
Oh, no. I wasn't trying to make a bud pun,
but that was funny.
268
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,206
[laughs]
269
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:55,668
No, we're laughing at how you think
it was Alex's first time.
270
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:57,753
Yeah, it's cute.
271
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,922
That's what everyone says
when they're teenagers.
272
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:01,382
"I didn't even like it."
273
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:04,844
That's what Alex said.
274
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:05,928
Oh, my god.
275
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,931
- Did you search his room?
- No.
276
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,016
- You've gotta search.
- What's wrong with you?
277
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,309
Okay. Well, I will now.
278
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,854
And if I find any marijuana,
it's going right down the toilet.
279
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,939
Whoa. Let's not be hasty!
280
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:23,529
Pen, can you take a picture of me
so I can Photoshop myself into the puzzle?
281
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:28,784
Shh!
282
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,328
What are you doing?
283
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,873
Alex is downstairs
doing punishment laundry,
284
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,500
so I'm secretly searching
his room for drugs.
285
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,546
But the women at the therapy group
got me all worried for nothing.
286
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,048
I went over every inch of this room,
I didn't find anything.
287
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:47,511
Here you go.
288
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,225
Fake deodorant?
289
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,562
How did you know? You're like
one of those dogs at the airport.
290
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,190
I have a lot of experience hiding drugs.
291
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,152
They used to call me "The Mole."
'Cause of the mole on my butt cheek.
292
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,322
Next to where I hid my drugs.
293
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,658
Let's focus on Alex.
294
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:13,329
I cannot believe he lied
about it being a one-time thing.
295
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,749
Though I am happy
he doesn't really use Flex body spray.
296
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,793
What the hell is all this stuff?
297
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:23,631
When I was a kid, you had to roll a joint
or smoke it out of an apple.
298
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,260
We used to make bongs
out of maple syrup jugs.
299
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:33,182
You could walk down the street toking,
people wouldn't even notice.
300
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,227
They'd just think you were
another hoser your chuggin' syrup.
301
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:42,775
Do you think Alex has a real drug problem?
302
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:48,530
No.
303
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,620
Look, there's some left.
304
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:56,997
That's a good sign.
305
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,124
Trust me.
306
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,545
It's probably just Alex being a teenager.
307
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,299
You'll deal with it.
308
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,803
He's great kid and you're an amazing mom.
309
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:11,845
Am I?
310
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,015
I kind of feel like I failed.
311
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:18,727
Look, if it helps,
312
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,771
I know this stuff looks intense, but...
313
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:25,109
it's actually one of the weakest forms
of marijuana.
314
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,068
Really?
315
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,361
Yeah.
316
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,155
Dr. B's got these lozenges.
317
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,201
He says they go
straight into your bloodstream.
318
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,830
If you're not used to it,
they can really whack you out.
319
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,333
You're fine one moment,
320
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:42,751
then it kicks in.
321
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,587
Next thing you know,
you're giggling uncontrollably.
322
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,173
- [opera aria playing]
- [snickers]
323
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,802
[guffaws loudly]
324
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,390
It is gay!
325
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,561
[Lydia laughs loudly]
326
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,938
I get it. I get it.
327
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,608
Then you get all paranoid.
328
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,318
[opera aria playing]
329
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,242
[gasps]
330
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,327
The Castros have found me!
331
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,583
One guy I knew
actually popped one at a movie theater
332
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,251
and started talking back to the screen.
333
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,961
Give it up, Titus!
334
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,424
Servilia only wants you as a friend!
335
00:17:30,966 --> 00:17:32,760
Like Leslie and me!
336
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:35,220
Shh!
337
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,223
Oh, my stars!
338
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:40,893
[sings operatically]
339
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,897
Thank god no one in my family
is using that stuff.
340
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:03,457
- Looking for this?
- No! What is that?
341
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:06,585
Don't even.
342
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:11,507
This is what you're doing?
343
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,760
I'm busting my ass for this family,
and you're out there doing this crap?
344
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,847
- I'm sorry, I...
- You lied right to my face.
345
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,474
I had to.
346
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:22,559
If I didn't lie, you would've said
I couldn't do it.
347
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,437
'Cause you shouldn't do it!
348
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,314
It's not that bad.
349
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:29,483
- It's legal now.
- Yeah. You know what else is legal?
350
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,611
Smoking, drinking, gambling.
351
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,155
But you end up with cancer, cirrhosis,
352
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,741
and prying your abuelita
off the penny slots.
353
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,831
And none of those things
are legal for you 'cause you're 15.
354
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:47,459
It's just a fun thing
we do once in awhile.
355
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,628
Anyways, I get straight As.
356
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,338
You want for long if you're a stoner.
357
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:52,714
I'm not a stoner.
358
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,383
We laugh at those guys.
359
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:57,803
Besides, tons of successful people
have smoked weed.
360
00:18:57,886 --> 00:19:00,764
Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, Oprah.
361
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:04,601
Unemployed, dead,
and Gayle just said that to get ratings.
362
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:12,192
And trust me, for every success,
363
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:15,529
there are a hundred losers
whose lives never go anywhere.
364
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,865
And you really think it's healthy for you?
365
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,742
You know that guy
at the concert, Willie Nelson?
366
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,202
Thirty-two years old.
367
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,455
No, he's not. He's like your age.
368
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:27,958
No, he's not like my age!
He's a lot older than me!
369
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,461
[Penelope sighs]
370
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:38,135
I am so disappointed in you.
371
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:42,181
You're a good kid, you're a smart kid,
372
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,224
and you should know better.
373
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:48,729
I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you.
374
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,483
Trust me, I'm not perfect.
375
00:19:56,236 --> 00:19:58,655
I tried pot a couple of times.
376
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,240
You did?
377
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,617
Yeah, I was stupid too.
378
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:04,369
So, I get the curiosity.
379
00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:09,708
But when you're a kid,
it messes with your brain
380
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:11,335
because it's still developing.
381
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,798
And you need to be especially careful
because you're Latino.
382
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:18,967
Why?
383
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,388
When I was 17,
384
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:27,267
a cop caught me and my friend
smoking pot at the beach.
385
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,395
I got dragged into the police station.
386
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,398
But my friend, Caroline, who was white,
387
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,610
and I'm talking sunburn-at-night white,
388
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:41,365
the cop let her go with a warning.
389
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,034
You got arrested?
390
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,787
Oh, my god. Abuelita must've freaked.
391
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,121
[scoffs] She don't know.
392
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:55,379
Luckily, there was a Latino cop
working the desk who felt sorry for me
393
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,506
and let me go, but not before he said,
394
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,176
"You can't be doing this kind of stuff.
395
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,428
It's different for us."
396
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,682
He was right.
397
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:13,063
So the reality is, if a white kid
like Dylan gets caught with a little weed,
398
00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:14,690
he gets a cool story.
399
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:17,359
But you?
400
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:20,821
You could end up in prison.
401
00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:24,866
Your life will be over,
402
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:29,496
and so will mine because I couldn't
bear to lose you like that.
403
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,377
I'm sorry, Mami.
404
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:38,297
I'll never do it again.
405
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:42,592
Oh.
406
00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:45,178
I would love to believe you.
407
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,141
But one of these days,
408
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:50,851
I'm gonna make you use this.
409
00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:52,894
A pregnancy test?
410
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,732
No, it's a drug test,
411
00:21:56,815 --> 00:22:00,027
but now I'm concerned that you know
what a pregnancy test looks like.
412
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:02,904
You know what? Another day.
413
00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:06,533
Anyway, this is gonna happen,
414
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:09,077
and your pee better be freaking perfect.
415
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,164
It will be, I swear.
416
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,462
[sniffs] Mmm.
417
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:21,048
You are using Flex body spray.
418
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:24,926
How many times in one day
are you gonna disappoint me?
419
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:31,224
And did you know that smoking marijuana
can also cause gynecomastia?
420
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,852
- What is that?
- That's when men grow boobs.
421
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:37,230
Why didn't you just lead with that?!
422
00:22:40,233 --> 00:22:43,153
We could've skipped
the rest of the conversation!
423
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,073
[whimpers]
424
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:49,826
I think we caught it in time.
425
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:53,080
And one more thing.
426
00:22:53,663 --> 00:22:55,374
Please don't tell Abuelita what I did.
427
00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:57,292
I don't want to disappoint her too.
428
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,419
Baby, I would never do that.
429
00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,338
I don't need that in my life.
430
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:04,758
If she asks why you're grounded,
431
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:07,177
we'll just say you're being punished
432
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,805
for spending time with a girl
who's a bad influence.
433
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:10,722
"Mary Jane."
434
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,851
I get it. Like Peter Parker's girlfriend.
435
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:19,398
No, it's...
436
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:21,608
Forget it.
437
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:24,903
Oh, wait. You got to keep
my pot story a secret too
438
00:23:24,986 --> 00:23:26,655
'cause Abuelita would never understand.
439
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:35,455
So, we got banned from the opera.
440
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,792
[theme music plays]
32240
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