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1
00:00:00,401 --> 00:00:03,837
[music]
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,740
[theme music]
3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,343
Hey, Roseanne.
4
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:10,944
Jackie, what are
you doing here?
5
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,980
You're supposed to be out buying
me an anniversary present.
6
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,216
I'm still looking.
7
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,418
I want to be sure I get you
something you've always wanted.
8
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,920
Can you get me into the
witness relocation program?
9
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,224
Trust me.
10
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,093
I will get you something nice.
11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,694
I mean 20 years.
12
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:27,928
That's a biggie.
13
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:28,929
David, did you know--
14
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,131
No, Jackie.
15
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:33,101
He doesn't know what we
want for our anniversary.
16
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,034
Oh, OK.
17
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:34,968
Oh.
18
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:37,004
Because I thought
maybe something
19
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,307
might just pop out of his head.
20
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:40,274
What?
21
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,675
Nothing.
22
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,977
What do you got planned
for the big event?
23
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:45,546
Oh, it's going to be so great.
24
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,047
We're going to go
all out this time.
25
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,682
You know?
26
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:52,186
Starting with a really romantic
prime rib dinner and everything
27
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,356
because, you know, the 20th
anniversary is the red meat
28
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,790
and liquor anniversary.
29
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,497
Do you know what
you're getting him yet?
30
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:06,567
Well, it's kind of hard
to surprise him with a gift
31
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,869
when I give him a
gift every single day.
32
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:12,039
You know, the magic that is me.
33
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,341
Ah, yeah.
34
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:16,677
We keep waiting for
you to run out of that.
35
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:20,148
Anyway I did have this
one idea for a gift.
36
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,048
But I don't know.
37
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,183
It's kind of embarrassing.
38
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,351
Oh, come on.
39
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,553
Embarrassing is good.
40
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:26,887
OK.
41
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,724
Well, you know how, like,
this year I'm kind of thinner?
42
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,326
You know, on account
of when I lost
43
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:38,366
my appetite working around food
all the time and you and Mom?
44
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:42,303
So I thought I'd get one
of those boudoir photos.
45
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,304
You know?
46
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,305
Is that completely nuts?
- No.
47
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,273
That's great.
48
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,474
I just thought
they cost too much.
49
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:47,608
No.
50
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:48,576
I've been doing really
good at saving my money
51
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:49,610
and I've been
stealing your tips.
52
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,081
His own private centerfold.
53
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,850
Dan must have been a
very good boy this year.
54
00:01:56,884 --> 00:02:00,888
Well, you know he's been with
the company for 20 years now.
55
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:03,391
And this is kind of
like his gold watch.
56
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,858
You know?
57
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:09,963
Plus it'll get him all
hot and everything.
58
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:10,864
Excuse me.
59
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,867
Do you guys know I'm here?
60
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,303
Jeez, David.
61
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,271
I didn't know you were
such a sensitive kid.
62
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,639
Well, he sure is, Jackie.
63
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,873
And you've embarrassed him.
64
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,108
Just look at his face.
65
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:27,848
Nice camouflage, zit boy.
66
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,851
Oh God.
67
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:35,256
[theme music]
68
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,662
[cackle]
69
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,598
[music playing]
70
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,167
Hey.
71
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,635
What are you doing?
72
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:22,936
I'm wrapping your
present from DJ.
73
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:23,837
Awesome.
74
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,038
What'd he get us?
75
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,908
Well, if I tell you that,
then you might tell DJ
76
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,977
and then he wouldn't
be surprised.
77
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:34,648
But this is something
that you can open now.
78
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:35,783
Hey.
79
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,851
A gift certificate to
Marty's Big and Tall.
80
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,219
Yeah.
81
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,355
So you can get a nice sport coat
for your anniversary dinner.
82
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,256
Huh.
83
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:44,725
Man with two jackets.
84
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:47,227
I'll be the talk of the town.
85
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,796
I don't know how to thank
you except to ask you
86
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,130
to wrap Rosie's present for me.
87
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,499
Oh, let me see.
88
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,166
Oh, Dan.
89
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,868
A shoe rack.
90
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,475
What do you think?
91
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:05,913
She is not going
to be expecting this.
92
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,681
It's a good present, Dan.
93
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,783
Good, good, good.
94
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,252
Really good.
95
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,454
This is bad, Dan.
96
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:14,455
It's bad.
97
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,756
It's really bad.
- What's wrong with it?
98
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,325
Dan, I shouldn't even
be telling you this.
99
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,693
She is spending so much
money on you this year.
100
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:20,894
Oh man.
101
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,496
She's just doing it
because she loves you, Dan.
102
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:23,364
Oh sure.
103
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,765
She says that.
104
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,635
But she knows I don't have any
money to buy her anything nice.
105
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,970
If she really loved
me, she'd buy me crap.
106
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:30,871
This is love.
107
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,840
Oh, Dan.
108
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,107
She knows you're broke.
109
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,610
But you could at least get
her something thoughtful.
110
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,479
Don't you think I wanted to?
111
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,314
This was always
second on my list.
112
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:41,615
Anything but a shoe rack.
113
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:43,617
Shoe rack.
114
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,985
Don't think practical, Dan.
115
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,253
Think romantic.
116
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,755
And I know you're no good at it.
117
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:51,158
But it's not your
fault. You're a man.
118
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,862
Probably why my shoes
don't match my bag.
119
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,265
[music playing]
120
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,804
Hey.
121
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,539
What do you think?
- I like it.
122
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:06,440
Let's go.
123
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,408
No.
124
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,378
Not the right size.
125
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:11,278
I like it.
126
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,113
Let's go.
127
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,982
Nice try, Deej.
128
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,684
Why don't you go join
those other kids over there
129
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:17,851
playing in that pant leg?
130
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:26,794
That jacket looks
just great on you, sir.
131
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,363
You know black is very slimming.
132
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:30,364
I'm not here because I'm big.
133
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,033
I'm here because I'm tall.
134
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,134
I see.
135
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,971
Then that jacket makes
you look very short.
136
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,074
So what do you think?
- Under $100.
137
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,544
Sold.
138
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,212
I'll just take a
minute and pin these up.
139
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,114
And then you'll be
out of here in a sec.
140
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,349
Man, you guys do
great business here.
141
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,585
Oh yeah.
142
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,953
The recession is still on.
143
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:58,426
But I think that fitness craze
is finally starting to pass.
144
00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,326
I'm actually shorthanded.
145
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,028
Oh yeah?
146
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,329
You hiring?
147
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,230
Why?
148
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:04,598
Are you interested?
149
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,666
Well, I've got to tell you.
150
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,167
It's always been kind
of a dream of mine
151
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,236
to work in a place like this.
152
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,771
I mean I'm big.
153
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:14,575
So I know how hard it
is to buy big clothes.
154
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:19,046
I've always wanted to help
the large be better dressed.
155
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,181
Well, then this probably
isn't for you because I'm only
156
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,083
looking for someone till June.
- Perfect.
157
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,518
Because I'd shoot
myself if I had to work
158
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:27,521
here longer than three months.
159
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,524
I just need some bucks to buy
my wife an anniversary present.
160
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:33,794
Can you do it on minimum
wage plus 15% commission?
161
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:34,728
Sold.
162
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:35,829
Terrific.
163
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:36,864
Jim McErman.
164
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:37,931
Dan Conner.
165
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:38,866
Thanks.
166
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,233
This is great, Jim.
- Hey, Dad.
167
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,334
Look.
168
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,571
I can get this belt
around me three times.
169
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,906
Hey, that's not
very sensitive, Deej.
170
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:49,176
The person who has to wear that
belt wouldn't appreciate it.
171
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,879
Now go run and put it Back
172
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,113
That's just great.
173
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,281
That's just the
attitude that you
174
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,282
need to work around here, Dan.
175
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,584
Well, thanks.
176
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,651
So, Jim.
177
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,720
About our customers.
178
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:04,525
Who's like the biggest,
fattest guy you've ever seen?
179
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,861
[music playing]
180
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,600
So are you sure
it's not in there?
181
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:13,567
I'm positive.
182
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,469
There is no wedding
ring in here.
183
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,170
Now stop and think.
184
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,640
Have you retraced your
steps for the last two days?
185
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:20,941
Well, let's see.
186
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:24,311
I went from home to work,
work to home, home to work,
187
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:27,615
the opera, work to home.
188
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,382
JACKIE: All right.
189
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,585
We've just got to
keep looking for it.
190
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,186
But we've got to
get out of here soon
191
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,056
if we want to get to that
boudoir photo place by three.
192
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:38,726
Jackie, I can't take
a slutty-looking picture
193
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,561
without my wedding ring.
I'll look cheap.
194
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,333
Rosie, I searched
all through the closet
195
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,668
and I couldn't find it.
196
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,169
Well, it's a wonder you can
find anything in that closet
197
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,738
with all them shoes
cluttering everything up.
198
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,209
Don't worry about it, honey.
199
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,778
You know when you find stuff?
200
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,980
When you stop looking for it.
201
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,015
Now I'm going to sit here
and read this newspaper.
202
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:04,484
You watch how fast it shows up.
203
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:07,821
Don't you care that
I lost my wedding ring?
204
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:08,922
Come on, Roseanne.
205
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,490
I pulled double shifts all week.
206
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,592
I'm exhausted.
207
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:12,726
Well, fine.
208
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,061
I'm going to go look in
the living room again.
209
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:17,297
And if I don't find it in
there, I'm getting DJ X-rayed.
210
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,198
Hey.
211
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,534
Did you try the vacuum bag?
212
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:21,935
The vacuum bag?
213
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:26,206
How the hell would it
get into the vacuum bag?
214
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,107
Shh.
215
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:28,441
I got the ring.
216
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:29,342
What?
What are you?
217
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:30,544
Out of your mind?
218
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,312
You're driving her crazy
running around like that.
219
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,581
What do you think you're doing?
220
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,182
Oh, Dan.
221
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:38,418
That is gorgeous.
222
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,187
I stole it from her when
she was doing the dishes
223
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,088
and took it to a jeweler.
224
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,289
See?
225
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:43,957
I had him put on that
extra band with a diamond.
226
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,358
Oh.
227
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:46,594
And those three little garnets
represent each one of the kids.
228
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:49,162
Dan.
229
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,031
ROSEANNE: Hey, I don't hear
you guys looking in there.
230
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:53,734
Get off my back, woman.
231
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:54,902
So beautiful.
232
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,136
How's you swing that?
233
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,805
Well, I'm paying for
it in installments.
234
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,440
So by our 110th anniversary,
she'll own it out right.
235
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,309
Oh, Dan.
236
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,244
She is going to be
blown away by that.
237
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,946
But you can't let her
keep looking for it.
238
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,114
She's going nuts.
- I know.
239
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,415
But this is the
biggest surprise I ever
240
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,718
tried to pull off in my life.
241
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,385
I can't give it to
her til Saturday.
242
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:15,055
ROSEANNE: Well, I guess I have
to start looking in here again.
243
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,126
DAN: Whoa.
244
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,761
Rosie, Jackie, come here.
245
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:21,662
Quick.
246
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:22,963
Did you find it?
247
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,632
Yeah, I think I see it
down here in the drain.
248
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:25,565
Look, Jackie.
- Oh no.
249
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,700
I can see it.
250
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,035
I can see it.
251
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:32,572
Well, maybe I could see it
if you'd move your big head.
252
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:33,674
Oh, there it is.
253
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:34,574
You're right.
254
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,210
That is my ring.
255
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,545
Are you sure?
256
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,414
Dan, I think I would know
if I saw my own wedding ring.
257
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:42,349
OK?
258
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:43,917
Take that drain out.
259
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,953
Roseanne, that's a big job.
260
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,855
I don't have the right
kind of tools right now.
261
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,390
Roseanne, I need you to
come with me right away
262
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,825
and talk about
something personal.
263
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:56,496
And I need to talk about it
somewhere else before three.
264
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,467
Oh yeah.
265
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,368
OK.
266
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,236
Well, you want to talk to me.
267
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,238
So OK.
268
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,740
I'll go get my coat.
269
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,109
[phone rings]
270
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:12,980
Hello?
Yeah.
271
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:13,881
Hey, Jim.
272
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:16,116
How's it going?
273
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,017
Oh man, no.
274
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,151
I can't work Saturday night.
275
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:21,054
It's my anniversary.
276
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:21,955
Well, sure.
277
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:22,856
I want to keep it.
278
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:25,258
But-- No.
279
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,593
I'll be there.
280
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,494
No.
281
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:28,395
Don't worry.
282
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,698
My wife will understand.
283
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,200
Just one thing.
284
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:37,604
Could you swing by in a ski mask
and drag me off at gunpoint?
285
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,441
[music playing]
286
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,151
No.
287
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,322
Next.
288
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,256
JACKIE: Come on.
289
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,190
I got it.
290
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,260
This is-- Dan would love this.
291
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,995
A maid's uniform?
292
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,163
This is supposed to be fantasy.
293
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:03,997
Not reality.
294
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:06,900
Don't worry.
295
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,335
I'll find something.
296
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,704
And do you suppose those
things are like bowling shoes?
297
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:13,173
Do you think they spray
them after every time?
298
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,074
Here.
299
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,977
Try this.
300
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,412
Ooh, that's really pretty.
301
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:20,580
Ooh.
302
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,681
Hey.
303
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,251
How do I sneak these
out under my clothes?
304
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,786
You don't have to.
They're yours.
305
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,721
Happy anniversary.
306
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,123
Oh, thank you.
Gosh.
307
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,359
How beautiful.
308
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:37,030
Now I'll look like the kind of
hooker you got to save up for.
309
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:37,931
OK.
310
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:38,832
Are we about ready?
311
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:39,767
Yeah.
312
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,868
She's just getting
all trashed up.
313
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,569
Good.
Good.
314
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:47,340
So Mrs. Conner, are we going
to be using any props today?
315
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,709
Well, I've got a couple
midgets out in my car.
316
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,745
What do you mean by props?
317
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:52,645
All right.
318
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:53,914
Standard bedroom set.
319
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,648
Ho-hum.
320
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,117
Hey, Jackie.
What about you?
321
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,451
I bet you your husband
would love to see
322
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,488
you in something like this?
323
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:04,024
Oh well, don't
have a husband, Bob.
324
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:04,925
But thanks for asking.
325
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:05,826
Oh.
326
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,760
What about your boyfriend?
327
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:07,660
No.
328
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:08,929
No boyfriend either.
329
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:09,763
Cool.
330
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,733
Roseanne, come
on out of there.
331
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:14,634
Come on.
332
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,903
I want to see what you like.
333
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:17,404
I don't wanna.
334
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,006
What do you mean
you don't wanna?
335
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,274
Well, this may
not be a good idea.
336
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:22,542
What if the negatives get out?
337
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,778
I'll never be President.
338
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:25,779
Roseanne, get out.
339
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:26,947
Come out here.
340
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:27,981
No.
341
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,784
I just don't think
this is a good idea.
342
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,585
I should just take
this home, put it on,
343
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,121
then Dan can see
me in it for real.
344
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:35,255
No.
345
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,525
This way, he gets to see
it whenever he wants.
346
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,526
Trust me, Jackie.
347
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,829
He gets to see it
whenever he wants.
348
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:45,799
Roseanne, just do it.
349
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,100
- OK.
- Good.
350
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,902
There.
See?
351
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,437
Oh, I'm really proud of you.
352
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:51,872
You're overcoming your fears.
353
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,773
And this is something you'll
always be glad you did.
354
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,175
Oh yeah.
355
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:59,646
I've read that old broad in the
cat suit had second thoughts.
356
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:00,513
OK, Mrs. Conner.
357
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,282
Whenever you're ready.
358
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,583
I can't do it, Jackie.
I can't do it.
359
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,785
No.
Yes, you can do it.
360
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,520
How important is this
anniversary to you?
361
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:08,455
Very.
362
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,656
And who is the
man you love more
363
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:10,924
than anybody else in the world?
364
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:11,758
Tom Jones.
365
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,529
Second?
366
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:17,430
Dan.
367
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,331
All right.
368
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:21,234
Let's do it.
369
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,135
OK.
370
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,503
Here's what I want you to do.
371
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:27,040
I want you to kneel on the bed,
lean toward me a little bit,
372
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,776
kick your back leg
behind, arch your back,
373
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,711
stick out your chest,
and smack your lips.
374
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,921
Perfect.
375
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:41,889
[flash]
376
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:46,193
[music playing]
377
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,163
ROSEANNE: Dan?
378
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,664
I'm in here.
379
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,333
Did you get my wedding
ring out of there?
380
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:56,403
Rosie, honey, I need to
talk to you for a minute.
381
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:57,804
Oh, so it wasn't in there.
382
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,139
Right?
383
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,408
No.
384
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,176
Listen, I got some bad news.
385
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,777
We're going to have to
celebrate our anniversary
386
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:06,346
on another night.
387
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:09,116
I have to work tomorrow.
388
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,083
You gotta work tomorrow?
389
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,523
Oh, I get what you're doing.
390
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,991
You're saying that
you have to work
391
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,793
tomorrow so I'll get all mad
and hate you and everything.
392
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,229
And then right at
the last minute,
393
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,897
you'll do something
really great like throw
394
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,798
me a surprise party or something
so I'll love you again.
395
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,935
Right?
396
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,670
Yes, that's exactly right.
397
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,639
Except without the great
thing and the really nice
398
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,374
I love you part.
399
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,275
What?
400
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:36,809
So you're really going to work?
401
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,545
I tried everything I
could to get out of it.
402
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:39,846
I got no choice.
- Well, yeah.
403
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,780
You do.
Quit.
404
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:41,681
I can't.
405
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,616
I promised I'd be there.
406
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:44,584
What?
407
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,286
You're keeping a
promise to some guy
408
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,121
that you knew less
than two weeks
409
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,924
and breaking a promise
to your wife of 20 years.
410
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,626
This is a very special
anniversary, Dan.
411
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,728
It's a temporary
job, for God's sake.
412
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,430
Look, you don't
want to say anymore.
413
00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:58,331
Yeah.
414
00:14:58,365 --> 00:14:59,866
I want to say plenty more.
415
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,501
I can't believe that
you're doing this.
416
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,304
I mean, you're the most selfish
man in the entire world.
417
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,538
You don't care about me.
418
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,674
You don't care about
20 years of marriage.
419
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,077
I mean, all you
care about is you.
420
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,112
You think I'm so selfish?
421
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,281
You think I only
care about myself?
422
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,683
You want to know why I can't
quit my stupid little jobs?
423
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:17,817
Because I had to pay for this.
424
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:23,790
It's my wedding ring.
425
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,258
Yes, your wedding ring.
426
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,028
Oh baby, are you in deep now.
427
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:30,397
Come on, you got
something else to say.
428
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,765
Who the hell asked
you to do this?
429
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:33,833
What?
430
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,202
Well, you wrecked it.
431
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,204
Did I ever once
ask you to change
432
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,538
anything about this ring?
Did I?
433
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:39,439
Huh?
434
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,840
No.
435
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,243
Well, I hope you're happy now
because you ruined my ring just
436
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,944
like you ruined my anniversary.
437
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,146
Oh.
438
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,114
Oh, man.
439
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,349
You are something else.
440
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,451
I took a job where I got
to spend all day asking
441
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,353
fat men whether they
dress left or dress
442
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:54,921
right to pay for that ring.
443
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,323
And it means nothing to you.
444
00:15:56,356 --> 00:16:00,160
Oh you only took that job so
that you can go buy that ring
445
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,762
because you knew you were going
to be working on my anniversary
446
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,298
and you needed to get that ring
so I wouldn't be mad at you.
447
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,442
You are insane.
448
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,976
I'll tell you what.
449
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,245
I'm going to go
out tonight and do
450
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:20,147
exactly what I did the
night before our wedding 20
451
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,148
years ago.
452
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,416
I'll be with my
friends getting drunk.
453
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,517
You weren't with your friends.
454
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,686
You were with your mom.
455
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:31,658
My mom can drink my friends
under the table any day.
456
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:34,427
[music playing]
457
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,099
Hey, coach.
458
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,467
Sorry I broke curfew.
459
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,669
But if I get a little sleep,
I'm sure I can play tomorrow.
460
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,405
Dan, I wouldn't go in there.
461
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,674
OK.
462
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:48,508
Ever?
463
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,879
Not until I give
you a little advice.
464
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:53,780
Oh, Jackie.
465
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,116
I already took your advice.
466
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,884
You told me not to
get her the shoe rack
467
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,152
or she'd be mad at me.
468
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:02,255
What a relief that
didn't happen.
469
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:03,156
Cool down, Dan.
470
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,457
She's really upset.
471
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,359
Did you talk to her?
472
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,396
She asked me if I
knew about the ring.
473
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,697
And you said?
474
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,798
Yeah.
475
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:12,999
And then?
476
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,734
And then she and I
decided that I should spend
477
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:18,305
the rest of night on the porch.
478
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,606
So you're locked out?
479
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,840
Yeah.
480
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:21,741
Good news.
481
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:22,809
You don't live here.
482
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,811
I was waiting for you, Dan.
483
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,813
I'm trying to help you out.
484
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:27,747
Oh, please.
485
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,015
Help me out some more.
486
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,318
I'm still breathing.
487
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,453
I didn't ask to get
dragged into this.
488
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:34,354
No, Jackie.
489
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,255
You never ask.
490
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,789
You just dive right in.
491
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,658
And the best part is
she hates the ring.
492
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,559
I know.
493
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,428
Well, give it to me.
494
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,495
I'm going to take it back.
495
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,431
Maybe they put the
ring back like it was.
496
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,533
And then all you have to
do is pay for the labor.
497
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,434
Good.
498
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,169
Do it.
499
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,003
You gotta look on
the bright side.
500
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:54,441
If you hadn't given me bad
advice and I hadn't taken it,
501
00:17:54,474 --> 00:18:01,981
the anniversary wasn't wrecked,
and Roseanne wasn't mad at me,
502
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,285
I wouldn't get to spend
the night on the porch.
503
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:08,054
[music playing]
504
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,125
So what do you think?
505
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,294
I think the shirt
looks great on you.
506
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:15,228
I came in with this shirt.
507
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,630
I tried on the pants.
508
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,199
I think the pants really
bring out the shirt.
509
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,071
Hey.
510
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,739
What are you doing here?
511
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,475
Well, I wasn't done
yelling at you yet.
512
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,443
You know, I thought of a
few more mean things to say.
513
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:33,146
So I want to rush down
here before I forget.
514
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,081
Roseanne, I don't need
this kind of insanity
515
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,084
during the Midnight
Madness sale.
516
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,986
Well, I think maybe then
we should take it outside.
517
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:40,887
I can't.
518
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,689
I'm working.
- OK.
519
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,191
Well then I'll just
start screaming here.
520
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,024
Right behind you.
521
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:53,966
I'm going to kick your butt
all the way to Yogurt City.
522
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,034
What's this?
523
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,270
Happy anniversary.
524
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,172
I don't believe this.
525
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,373
You've got everything here.
526
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,308
Corn dogs.
527
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,244
You remembered our
wedding dinner.
528
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:06,179
And--
529
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:11,918
[radio playing]
530
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:16,289
Well, you know I'm not very good
at saying I'm sorry because you
531
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,357
know I never am.
532
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:22,295
But I just think I
went too far this time.
533
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,998
And I just figure, you know,
after 20 years, every man
534
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,468
deserves to hear this.
535
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,736
I was wrong.
536
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,504
And I think after
20 years, every woman
537
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:32,572
deserves to hear this.
538
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:35,141
I agree with you.
539
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:38,778
Well, don't you have
something to give me?
540
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:39,846
Um.
541
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:40,713
Come on.
542
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,849
I'll say yes.
543
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:43,950
Really?
544
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,585
Promise.
545
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,086
All right.
546
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,257
Roseanne, will you
not be mad at me
547
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,658
for giving the ring
to Jackie to have it
548
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,926
put back the way it was before?
549
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:54,961
What'd you do that for?
550
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,929
I loved that ring.
551
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:57,964
Damn it, Roseanne.
552
00:19:57,997 --> 00:19:59,566
First you tell me you hate it.
553
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,468
Then you tell me you love it.
554
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,303
And then, and only then,
I produce it from my pocket
555
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,204
and show you that I
got it back from Jackie
556
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,474
before she took it back to
the guy to have it put back.
557
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:13,446
You may now eat the corn dog.
558
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,285
Now I've got to
give you your present.
559
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,519
But you got to promise
you won't laugh.
560
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:26,793
Oooh.
561
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,633
Gadzooks.
562
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:34,701
Why, Miss Conner.
563
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,635
I can't marry you.
564
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,571
I've fallen in
love with another.
565
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:40,907
You don't think it's stupid?
566
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,442
You're beautiful, honey.
567
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,410
Well, hell.
568
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:44,944
I always thought
you were beautiful.
569
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,313
You really like it?
570
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,114
- Yeah.
- Well, good.
571
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:49,916
Cause I made you an appointment
over there next week.
572
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:54,621
So might as well
start shaving now.
573
00:20:54,654 --> 00:21:01,193
[music playing]
38214
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