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1
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,639
I'll see you guys later.
I'm going out with Sharon.
2
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,208
Why don't you
bring her in
3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,809
So she can
meet the folks?
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,145
Yeah, you've been dating
her for, like, three months.
5
00:00:13,146 --> 00:00:14,346
We've never even met her.
6
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,614
Nothing personal,
Roseanne.
7
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:16,849
I just haven't
introduced sharon
8
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,317
To any of my friends.
9
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:20,252
You mean any of your
straight friends, right?
10
00:00:20,253 --> 00:00:21,854
Because you've never
been able to accept
11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,155
Our alternate lifestyle.
12
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:27,559
Well, it isn't a choice,
you know.
13
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:28,894
It's not that.
14
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:30,262
What, are you
ashamed of her?
15
00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:31,730
Is she a dog
or something?
16
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,201
Hey, babe. You ready?
17
00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:38,203
Nancy, how come,
when you date guys,
18
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,538
They look like Arnie,
19
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,807
And when you date girls,
they look like her?
20
00:00:42,942 --> 00:00:44,710
Jackie, Roseanne,
this is Sharon.
21
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,079
She's an erotic dancer
performance artist.
22
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,147
I'm a stripper.
23
00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:49,648
Hi.
24
00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,917
I've been wanting
to meet you for a while.
25
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,852
But for some reason,
Nancy was scared
26
00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:56,522
To introduce
her girlfriend to you guys.
27
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,624
Why,
you ain't one of them lesbians, are ya?
28
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,428
Can we go already?
29
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,896
Look, we're going dancing
30
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,065
In that new club
in Elgin Friday night.
31
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,232
You two should join us.
32
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,870
Oh, I--I don't think
that would be a very good idea.
33
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,806
Oh, come on.
I think it'd be fun.
34
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,841
I haven't been
dancing since---
35
00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:17,476
When was
dad's funeral?
36
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,246
I don't think you'd have
such a great time.
37
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,614
Sounds like fun.
38
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:23,582
It's a gay bar.
39
00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:27,086
Okey-dokey.
40
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,622
Jackie, it doesn't
bother us if it's gay.
41
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:34,159
Well, it might. Friday
is convert a hetero night.
42
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:38,797
I know
all the etiquette.
43
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:40,866
It's knives and forks
on the left
44
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:44,069
And vibrators
on the right.
45
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:46,572
Oh, hi, fellas.
46
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,342
I got to go.
I hope you guys come.
47
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:51,510
[Roseanne]
nice meeting you.
48
00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:53,379
Roseanne,
I really have to go?
49
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:54,380
Yeah.
50
00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:56,048
I'm not gonna feel
comfortable there.
51
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,916
What if everybody there
thinks i'm gay?
52
00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:00,886
Well, then, you can just think
they're gay right back at 'em.
53
00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:04,957
So Friday night,
i'll get my chance
54
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,093
To see Roseanne out
with my people, huh?
55
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,729
That should prove
quite entertaining.
56
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,464
Why?
57
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,501
Well, hmm, how can I
put this delicately?
58
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:20,439
Uh, a gay bar is sort of
like a size 12 dress.
59
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,374
You just won't fit in.
60
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,443
[theme]
61
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,422
David, did you
finish my laundry?
62
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:44,990
Yeah, it's in your bag.
63
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,925
Now that i'm not gonna
be there anymore,
64
00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:49,328
You're gonna have to learn
how to do your own.
65
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,230
How come? I said
you could visit.
66
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,300
[snort]
67
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,774
What?
68
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,042
You're pathetic, man.
69
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:06,078
She orders you around,
and you just take it.
70
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,480
You got no guts.
71
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,750
I've got guts.
I just hide 'em.
72
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,154
Hey, honey. I'm home.
73
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,089
Hey.
Hi.
74
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,490
I'll be down in a sec.
75
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,161
[scoff]
76
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:26,532
What?
77
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:27,733
I wouldn't let my wife
78
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,168
Show off her body
like that.
79
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,869
It gives other guys
ideas.
80
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:32,538
I don't got to worry
about that.
81
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:33,739
There's nothing
those guys got
82
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,474
That she can't get
at home.
83
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,209
See, Dave...
84
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,411
I can keep Becky
satisfied.
85
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,649
Hey. I keep Darlene
satisfied.
86
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:45,017
David, what's the matter
with you?
87
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,519
I told you to use
fabric softener.
88
00:04:50,156 --> 00:04:51,490
[doorbell rings]
89
00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:59,465
Wow. Dean. Dean bates.
It's been a long time.
90
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:00,733
Yeah.
91
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,035
Do I know you?
92
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,505
No, but when I was
a freshman...
93
00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:08,374
You went out with
Becky, didn't you?
94
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:09,508
Yeah.
95
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:11,343
Come on in.
It's good you're here.
96
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,314
Hey, Mark,
this is dean bates.
97
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,350
Dean used to date
Becky, your wife.
98
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:19,585
Oh, so you're her husband.
99
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:20,853
Yeah, that's right.
100
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,055
Nice to meet you.
101
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,757
So, dean, you still
playing football?
102
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,092
Yeah. I got a scholarship
to Northwestern.
103
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:28,727
Really? Great.
104
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:31,497
Going to college
and playing football.
105
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,399
Can't get that
around here.
106
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:39,238
Dean? Oh, my god,
how are you?
107
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,439
Great, Becky.
108
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,074
You--
you look terrific.
109
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,308
So do you.
110
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:44,510
If you ask me,
111
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,311
That guy's a lot
better-looking than you.
112
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:49,882
Why don't you go over there
113
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,950
And give him a big kiss?
114
00:05:51,951 --> 00:05:53,952
Hey, dean.
115
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:55,354
I'm ready.
116
00:05:58,391 --> 00:05:59,658
Ready?
117
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,160
Ready for what?
118
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,495
Oh, i'm gonna give her
a ride to school.
119
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,564
But you two don't
even know each other.
120
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,499
Yeah, we met at some
lame frat party.
121
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,902
He was, like, the only guy
there not guzzling beer
122
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:12,705
And saying, "god,
I love you guys."
123
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,373
I'll put your stuff
in the car.
124
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,708
Oh, thanks.
125
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,143
Hey, Darlene,
did you hear
126
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,679
Dean's got a football
scholarship?
127
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,548
Darlene hates
football players.
128
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,383
Hmm, things change.
129
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,951
Do not.
130
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:28,754
You're serious.
He's giving you a ride to school?
131
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,723
So what, Becky?
What do you care?
132
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,091
Well, I just don't think
133
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,727
She should be using
my old boyfriends to get rides.
134
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,162
So what, you're not
done riding him yet?
135
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,470
Wait a minute.
136
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:46,705
Did he just say
something clever?
137
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,242
I cannot believe you're
doing this to me.
138
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,377
So what's
the difference
139
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,312
If your sister goes
out with the guy?
140
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,780
In case
you've forgotten, you're married.
141
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:56,015
Oh, just leave me alone.
142
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,451
Becky, get back here.
143
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:03,188
Becky? Becky.
144
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,390
Did you see that?
145
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,058
Mark was going crazy
with jealousy.
146
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,059
What an idiot.
147
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,127
Yeah.
148
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,228
Becky's not the one
149
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,163
Who'd gonna have
to think of some way
150
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,198
To pay dean back
for the ride.
151
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:14,400
See you, David.
152
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:26,945
love come down
153
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:30,983
Wow, evelyn champagne king,
she is fierce!
154
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,052
I want to show you
my dental bonding
155
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,453
Under the black light.
156
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,588
All right. I haven't
danced with my clothes on
157
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:37,756
For a while.
158
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,196
no sleep last night
159
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,634
been dreaming of you
160
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,569
Oh, now, just relax, Jackie.
161
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,004
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
162
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,672
No, what's to be
nervous about?
163
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:55,107
It should be
clear to anyone
164
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,443
That i'm...
Traditional.
165
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:58,777
Hey, look.
166
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,913
There's another
old-fashioned girl right there.
167
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,715
[Jackie gasps]
168
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,550
[whispering]
my god.
169
00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:07,019
That pregnant woman's
holding hands with my mailman--
170
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,821
Woman--lesbian.
171
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,358
She waved at me.
What do I do?
172
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,992
Well, wave back.
173
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,830
Oh, my god,
she's smiling at me.
174
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,264
Well, yeah. That's
'cause everybody knows
175
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:22,534
That waving
is the international gay signal.
176
00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:25,471
Jackie. Jackie harris.
177
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,339
Hi!
178
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,774
Wow.
So, uh, now I know
179
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,643
Why there's
never any mail for your husband.
180
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,579
No. No.
You don't understand.
181
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:39,351
Oh, now, you don't have
to hide our love, pookie.
182
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,620
Hi. I'm Roseanne.
I'm the father.
183
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,858
So, uh, how long
have you two been together?
184
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,226
Oh, what's it been
now, honey,
185
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,261
About 38 years?
186
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:52,798
Oh, and she's just
as feisty as ever.
187
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,401
You know, I had
a feeling about you.
188
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,503
You did?
189
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,972
Why? What'd I do?
190
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,677
You are so, so sick.
191
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:08,547
Well, if it isn't
Charlie Brown.
192
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,050
Is that you, Roseanne?
193
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,985
I thought
it was a drag queen
194
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,920
Doing a really bad
Liz Taylor.
195
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,158
Leon, come sit
at a table with us
196
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,359
And act like
we're together.
197
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,294
I didn't come here
to be with you.
198
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,862
I came here
in search of...
199
00:09:23,863 --> 00:09:26,498
Stimulating
conversation.
200
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,567
Ooh, I smell aramis.
201
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,241
So, gals,
what'll it be?
202
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,409
Well, a beer for me
203
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,478
And a ginger ale
for the little missus here.
204
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,679
All rightie.
Roseanne!
205
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,848
It's nice to see
some new faces around here,
206
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,317
Especially pretty
ones like yours.
207
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,152
Oh, well, thank you, marge.
208
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,821
You're not too bad yourself.
209
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,923
Ah, go on.
210
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,491
What are you doing?
211
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,426
I'm doing what I do
in any bar--
212
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,794
Scoring free drinks.
213
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,702
So, uh, wow, awesome
tattoo there, Marge.
214
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:04,803
Yeah?
215
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,339
You hiding any others?
216
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,809
I wouldn't put it past me.
217
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,511
Oh, you--
ah-ah-ah.
218
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:16,348
Stop flirting.
219
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,717
Hey, Roseanne, want
to come boogie with us?
220
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:20,853
Ah, she doesn't want
to dance with you.
221
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:23,622
I do, too.
Can I, hon?
222
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,623
Hot.
223
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,825
I hate you.
224
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,394
Keep an eye
on her, marge.
225
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,162
She's
a big tease.
226
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,165
Oh...
227
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,768
We're sisters.
228
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,503
Hey, aren't we all?
229
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,010
You are one pretty lady.
230
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,746
Care to dance?
231
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:49,415
Oh, no, thank you.
232
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,949
Come on. What could it hurt?
233
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:53,419
Uh, it could hurt you.
234
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,621
You see that big butch
broad over there?
235
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,795
I'm hers!
236
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,708
[disco]
237
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:21,780
Let's take a break!
238
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,082
[shouting over music]
okay!
239
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:25,718
Whew!
240
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,419
Ha ha!
That was wild.
241
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,955
Can you believe
that Nancy doesn't think
242
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,657
I'm cool enough
for this place?
243
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,592
That must have been
before she saw you
244
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,761
Teaching 40 people
to do the monkey.
245
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:37,696
Yeah. How cool is that?
246
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,765
It's
pretty damn cool.
247
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,767
Where'd you learn
to dance like that?
248
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:43,102
Well...
249
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,436
Actually, I studied.
250
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:45,471
Really? Where?
251
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,472
In my living room
252
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,207
With the solid gold
dancers.
253
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,210
You know, Roseanne,
we ought to hang out more often.
254
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,578
I was thinking that, too,
255
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:55,848
But next time, let's
leave the wives at home.
256
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,917
You read my mind.
257
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:02,821
Huh?
258
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,283
What are you doing,
cleaning?
259
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,485
Yeah, well, I tried
twitching my nose,
260
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,653
But that didn't work,
261
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,623
So I had to end up
doing it manually.
262
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:38,891
Something the matter?
263
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,193
You didn't say a word
on the way home last night.
264
00:12:44,831 --> 00:12:47,132
That Sharon kissed me.
265
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,801
Nancy's Sharon?
266
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:51,503
No, Herb Sharon
over on Elm Street.
267
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,705
After I drop you off,
268
00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,640
I run over there
for a quickie.
269
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,142
Exactly what do you mean
by kissed you?
270
00:12:57,143 --> 00:13:00,579
I mean kissed me,
like full on the lips,
271
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:03,215
You know, like Dan used to
before we were married.
272
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:06,218
My god, you got
kissed by a woman?
273
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,920
No wonder
you're upset.
274
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,656
Well, no, i'm not
upset about that.
275
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,825
I'm just upset
about Nancy, you know.
276
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,327
I mean, this could
devastate her.
277
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:16,762
This is unbelievable.
278
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,931
I just don't even know
how i'm gonna tell her.
279
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,599
You got kissed,
and all I got
280
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,602
Was a couple of women
asking if they could touch my stomach.
281
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,637
Hi, guys. Did you
have fun last night?
282
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,272
Why? What'd you hear?
283
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,907
Well, you left so early,
284
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,843
I had to hitch a ride
with Leon
285
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,678
And some accountant
with pierced nipples.
286
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,387
Hey, uh...
287
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,355
I have to tell you
something,
288
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:46,358
And--and you're probably
gonna get really upset, you know,
289
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:49,628
But I figure, if I was you,
well, i'd want to know.
290
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:54,400
Uh, last night,
Sharon...kissed me.
291
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,135
I know. She told me.
292
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,336
Oh, she did?
293
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,271
Yeah. She just thought
you were real cute,
294
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,440
And she wanted to
kiss you, so she did.
295
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,508
Isn't she a riot?
296
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,912
Oh, so you're not,
like, upset or anything.
297
00:14:06,913 --> 00:14:08,113
No, I think it's funny.
298
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,481
Why, did it bother you?
299
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,216
Well, no.
No, it didn't bother me.
300
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,985
I mean, I--
I pretty much knew
301
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,553
It was funny,
you know.
302
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:18,323
Oh, my god.
303
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,259
When sharon told me
she kissed you,
304
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:22,261
I told her
there might be a chance
305
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,562
That you might freak out.
306
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,930
What do you mean,
freaked out?
307
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:26,231
I'm not freaking out.
308
00:14:26,232 --> 00:14:27,533
Why
would I freak out?
309
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,935
Well, you know, maybe--
310
00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,870
Maybe you liked the kiss
just a little.
311
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,238
What?
312
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,007
That is the most ridic--
313
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,242
What?
314
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:38,911
Well, it's not that unusual.
315
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,946
I mean, sexuality
isn't all black and white.
316
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,281
There's a whole gray area.
317
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:45,217
I know
about the gray area.
318
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,886
And you're afraid that just one
little tiny percent of you
319
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,888
Might have been turned on
by a woman.
320
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,460
That is the most
ridiculous thing
321
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:55,794
I have ever heard.
322
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:58,063
I am not afraid of any,
uh, small percentage
323
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:01,467
Of my gayness inside,
you know what I mean?
324
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,069
I--I am totally okay
325
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:08,407
About whether I--
i'm, like, 3% or 4%
326
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,010
Or lower.
327
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,412
This is exactly why I didn't
want to invite you
328
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,613
In the first place,
Roseanne,
329
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,382
Because you are
a total hypocrite.
330
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,017
I am not a hypocrite.
331
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,952
A hypocrite
doesn't go to a gay bar
332
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:23,389
And teach 40 gay people
how to do the monkey.
333
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,491
Oh, and we're
supposed to admire you
334
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,159
Because you went
to a gay bar?
335
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,594
I'm supposed to think
you're cool
336
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,029
Because
you have gay friends?
337
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,598
I don't care if you
think i'm cool at all
338
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,234
Because I know
that I am cool, baby.
339
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,736
I'm probably the coolest
chick you ever met.
340
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:39,338
And for your information,
341
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,807
I have friends that are
way gayer than you.
342
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:02,494
Yes, son? Was there
something you wanted?
343
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,930
Yeah. Mom said she went
dancing last night
344
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,498
With other women.
345
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,570
Yes.
346
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:14,239
Isn't that wrong?
347
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,076
No, son.
It's perfectly fine.
348
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:20,646
And anyone that tries
to tell you different is wrong.
349
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:23,315
Does that mean
you dance with other men?
350
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:29,888
Yes, I do.
351
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:35,861
Really?
352
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:38,030
No. Never. Not once.
353
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,165
Well, I don't want to,
either.
354
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:43,035
That's your choice.
355
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,373
Hallelujah.
356
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,017
Cleaning again?
357
00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,952
Boy, if sharon had
slipped you the tongue,
358
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,187
We might actually get
this place up to code.
359
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:06,158
No wonder women don't
find you attractive.
360
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,794
Oh, is that so awful
that the kiss freaked you out?
361
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,963
You're
just not as cool as you thought.
362
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:12,231
Oh, i'm not cool?
363
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,166
You're the one
sitting there at the bar
364
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,602
Telling everybody
you're from pbs doing research.
365
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,004
Fine. If you don't
have a problem with what happened,
366
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,806
Why are you upset?
367
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:24,743
Well, okay, Jackie,
if you really have to know,
368
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,179
Uh, well,
at first, you know,
369
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,649
I--I thought that I was
upset for Nancy,
370
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,986
And then I kind of realized
that that was just denial.
371
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:37,189
I'm really upset...
About Dan.
372
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,557
Dan?
373
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,526
Yeah.
374
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,761
'cause remember
in 11th grade,
375
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,698
When that
Jimmy Mcquirter kissed me, you know,
376
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:47,333
And Dan felt
all threatened and everything,
377
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,201
And he beat the crap
out of him?
378
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:54,073
Oh, so you're worried
that Dan's gonna beat up Sharon.
379
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,412
Yeah.
380
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,482
'cause Dan would feel
threatened by Sharon.
381
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,919
Yeah. Yeah.
382
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,988
'cause you and Sharon
might buh-huh-hoo-woo-woo!
383
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:13,025
Of course not!
I am not gay!
384
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:23,469
I didn't mean for that
to sound like it was bad or anything, you know,
385
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,605
Because if I was gay,
that'd be just fine, but i'm not gay.
386
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,475
So I just don't like
people calling me things that i'm not,
387
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,778
Like a hypocrite,
or gay, you know,
388
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,046
Because i'm not.
389
00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:36,915
I wouldn't like
anybody calling me, like, uh...
390
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,250
An astronaut,
391
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,285
Because it's fine
to be an astronaut,
392
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,488
But see, I am not
an astronaut.
393
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,856
So...
394
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,827
I'm not gonna admit
I was wrong or anything,
395
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:51,196
But I just don't want
to fight with you anymore,
396
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:52,297
So I was wrong.
397
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:53,666
Thank you.
398
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,803
I'm still pretty cool,
you know...
399
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,006
For a 41-year-old
mother of three
400
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,242
That lives in Lanford,
Illinois.
401
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,545
I like that snoopy dog dog.
402
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:13,052
It's not like you
have to be cool
403
00:19:13,053 --> 00:19:14,987
To be my friend,
Roseanne.
404
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,422
I mean,
i'm not comfortable
405
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,524
With everything
about you, either.
406
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:22,061
Every time I think
about you and Dan in bed, ecch.
407
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,498
Yeah. Join the club.
408
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:37,309
Wow.
409
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,045
That was--wow.
410
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,480
I'd give you
a standing ovation,
411
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,849
But I can't
feel my legs.
412
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,417
What got into you?
413
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,090
I don't know.
You're just so manly.
414
00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:53,859
I am so turned on
by your masculinity.
415
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,894
How'd you get
so macho?
416
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,396
Step class.
417
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,332
Well,
now that I got you
418
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,235
Feeling all relaxed
and confident and everything,
419
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,437
There's something
I want to tell you,
420
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,439
But i'm afraid
it's gonna upset you.
421
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,408
Oh, honey, I told you,
422
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:13,312
I don't mind if you fake it.
Just don't tell me.
423
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,680
No.
424
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,615
It's, uh--
okay, all right.
425
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:18,584
Um...Um...
426
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,487
Well, uh, recently,
427
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:23,422
I was talking
to this person, you know,
428
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,723
Uh,
totally innocently,
429
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,592
And, uh, uh,
then they kissed me.
430
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,828
Name?
431
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,497
I knew I shouldn't
have told you.
432
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,898
I knew you would
freak out.
433
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,333
Give me the guy's
name, Roseanne.
434
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,701
Now.
435
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,536
No, because then you'll
just do something stupid.
436
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,838
I'm your husband.
That's my right.
437
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,407
Now, where'd this happen,
at work?
438
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,375
No. When I went out.
439
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,778
Well, from now on,
you're not going out without me.
440
00:20:45,779 --> 00:20:47,880
Now give me
the guy's name.
441
00:20:47,881 --> 00:20:49,848
Huh. Well--
now!
442
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,950
Sharon.
443
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,056
Herb Sharon kissed you?
444
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:02,127
No. Nancy's sharon.
445
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,636
A woman kissed you?
446
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:12,104
Yeah.
447
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:15,274
What was this,
that gay bar?
448
00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:16,308
Yeah.
449
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:22,581
I don't know what to say.
450
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,817
Well, so--
well, you're not angry.
451
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,954
No, i'm--i'm, uh...
452
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:33,292
More...Concerned.
453
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,994
I mean, it, uh...
454
00:21:35,995 --> 00:21:39,531
Must have been
very unpleasant for you.
455
00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:41,433
It was. It really was.
456
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:43,102
It was the total
opposite of pleasant.
457
00:21:43,103 --> 00:21:45,204
It was unpleasant.
458
00:21:45,205 --> 00:21:47,373
So...
459
00:21:47,374 --> 00:21:48,707
How'd it happen?
460
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,810
She just...
Walk up and kiss you?
461
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,946
Well, no.
462
00:21:53,947 --> 00:21:56,782
Uh, no, we--you know,
we were dancing.
463
00:21:56,783 --> 00:21:58,150
Wow.
464
00:22:01,955 --> 00:22:03,989
She's probably wearing
that light leather stuff
465
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:05,391
Like they like, you know.
466
00:22:05,392 --> 00:22:07,826
Low-cut kind of thing.
467
00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:12,498
What does it matter
what she was wearing?
468
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,867
No, it's just
helping me imagine
469
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:16,835
Your painful moment
for you.
470
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,206
So, uh...
471
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:25,210
Suppose she was
probably one of those blonde hard bodies
472
00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:29,214
That think they can just
walk up and kiss some woman.
473
00:22:29,215 --> 00:22:30,416
Heh heh.
474
00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:33,118
Did you see her
kissing anybody else?
475
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,022
You would really love it
at that bar, Dan.
476
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,957
They got a lot
of men there, too.
477
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:43,095
You know, and they're
rubbing their hard bodies up against each other
478
00:22:43,096 --> 00:22:45,497
And kissing each other.
479
00:22:52,572 --> 00:22:53,972
I'm gonna get
something to eat.
480
00:22:54,022 --> 00:22:58,572
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