All language subtitles for My Mad Fat Diary s01e05 Its A Wonderful Rae 1.eng

Don't mention Friday to anyone.

Why are you looking at me?

I'm looking at everyone.

Don't tell your brothers,
don't tell your sisters,

don't even tell knobheads
from school.

At the end of the day...

'Whatever, Chop.

'Dear Diary, the fight for Finn's
delicious heart has begun.'

'In the red corner, Chloe.

'Seen here looking at Finn
like a black widow

'sizing up how much Gaviscon
she's going to need

'after eating him whole.

'In the blue corner, see me.

'Finn is so out of my league

;that no-one would ever even suspect
I liked him.

'Nay, loved him.

'But since we had had that amazing
heart-to-heart at the party,

'my odds have shortened massively.'

This Friday is between
the six of us.

Put it in the vault, people.
Lock it in the fucking vault.

'We've even developed
a secret mode of communication.'

'I had to use every ounce
of my willpower

'not to move his hand over
just a few inches

'and ask him to write out
all of War And Peace.'

Here you are,
check out this bad ass!

Oh, my God!

Hi, Rae. Hi, Chloe.
Hi, everyone.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm booking the function room
for Saturday.

Oh, Rae's friends.
This is my new husband, Karim.

Congratulations.

Pleased to meet you.

We're getting the marriage blessed
and then we're gonna come here

and have the reception afterwards.

- You're all invited, of course.
- They can't, they're busy.

We're not busy at all.
That's wonderful, Mrs Earl.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Chloe. But actually,
my name is Mrs Bouchtat now.

Oh, Bouchtat.

Does that mean
your name is Rae Bouchtat?

- No, it doesn't.
- This is so exciting.

We can use it as a wind-down session
after the rave.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Did she say "rave"?

How many calories a minute
does high-intensity sex burn?

18.

How long would I have to have sex to
burn off a six-pack of Wagon Wheels?

- Jammy or normal?
- Jammy.

Jammy Wagon Wheels are 167 cal.

Six are 1,002.

18 cal a minute...
Just under an hour.

Ooh! Maybe I should get Dr Nick
to cancel his one o'clock.

Hand jobs are supposed to be
exhausting too.

I've heard you sometimes have to
change arms halfway through.

So what you're saying is
I could essentially sex myself thin.

Well, you could eat two roast
dinners, have sex for an hour,

throw in a couple of hand jobs and
you'd actually be in minus calories.

What is not to like?
Where do I sign?

What day is it?

It's Wednesday, 21 August 1996.

'Dear Diary, I want to be
more like Rae.

'Then my life would be
full of things like boys.

'Rather than things like
how many calories things contain.

'And how to lose those calories.'

I want you to try to drink
at least two of these a day.

They taste like tar.

Tix, your BMI has dropped again.

It's dropped significantly.

You've become in danger
of falling very ill, OK?

There is a risk of organ failure,
of heart problems, hormone problems,

problems with your brain.

Angie says you're refusing solids.

I don't like people watching me eat.

You are on supervised eating, Tix.

It's her job to watch you eat.

If you don't start eating
in the next few days,

if your weight doesn't stabilise,

I'll have to put you
on a tube feed, Tix.

I really, really don't want
to have to do that.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

So how have you been
since our last session?

Are you scared?

You have to let go, Tix.

It's OK to lose control... sometimes.

You don't have to worry
all the time,

you don't have to count calories.

Tell me something
that makes you feel good.

Anything.

Rae.

Rae, great.

So, supposing I set up a date
between you and Rae for dinner.

She'd like that. I'd like that.

It would have to be Rae, though.

Hm.

Because I said no
and that means no.

But everyone's going.

It's not like an illegal rave anyway.
It's more like a big dance event.

You're not going.

I know sometimes I tell you to do
things and you ignore me, right,

well, this isn't going to be
one of those times.

Anyway, what do you think
Kester would say

if you told him you were going
to a rave?

He'd say, "Go for it." I know Kester.

And he would love the idea
of me enjoying myself.

Cos he's not a complete ball-breaker.

Thank you, I'm not deaf.

Right, how does it look?

Oh, great!

I look like a cross between a
profiterole and a prolapsed colon.

I love it, I absolutely love it.

Mmm.

Oh!

Well, what about this one?

It's too expensive.

But I love it.

If everyone is going to be there,
I have to look nice.

Right, Rae, when I say no
to something,

it doesn't mean keep arguing,

it means end of discussion!

I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

'You always wonder what it would be
like to sit in front of a doctor

'and hear the worst possible news.

'How you'd cope, how you'd feel.'

Rae, I'm afraid you're going to have
to stop drinking alcohol.

Why?

The meds we switched you to,
some people feel nauseous

if they drink on them,
especially at first.

- Right, so it's nothing serious.
- What?

I want to go back to the old ones.

No, I wasn't happy with the SSRIs.
You said they make you feel drowsy.

I'd rather feel drowsy
than feel sick.

No, it's fine,
she can just give up the booze.

- This is bullshit.
- Rae!

We can review your meds
in the next few weeks,

but changing them or stopping them
now is not a good idea.

Oh, Dr Nick, I meant to say.
I got married last week.

Oh, wow, great, congratulations!

Are we all right?

Yeah.

Ohh!

'When you're sick, you don't belong
to yourself any more.

'You don't get a say.

'Every doctor is another parent,
every ward another classroom,

'every pill another piece of their
bollocks that you have to swallow.'

'So that was it. No booze

'because of my pills and no rave
because of my cowbag of a mum.'

'You never know,
maybe the rave would be shit.

'Who was I kidding?

'It was gonna be fuckin' amazing.
The perfect opportunity

'to lick the fillings from his teeth,

'to suck on his fingers,
to grab hold of his firm...'

Rae, what are you thinking about?

I'm thinking...

how I'm going to tell you
that you smell of BO.

I'm sure you'll find something
to say.

Oh, shit! There's Kendo.

Who's Kendo?

Some twat dealer from Dalehead.

Do I look all right?

What do you mean, "Do I look all
right"? He's a scumbag.

All right, ladies?

All right, Chopper?

All right, Kendo?

Tell your fuckin' brother I'm gonna
smash his face in when I see him

I'm only joking.
How is the cunt?

He's all right.

Do you want some pills for Friday?

Yeah, yeah, sounds good.

Drop round tomorrow and I'll see
what I can do for you.

In a bit.
See you later, girls.

What are you getting drugs for?

- It's a rave, innit?
- Finn, can I get a ride on the back of your scooter?

Yeah, course, no problem.

There's room for you to all go
in the one car.

What are you talking about?

I'm not going.

What?
Why?

Is it because of your mum?

I'm not going if Rae's not going.

I'm not going if Rae's not going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
No-one is backing out of this.

Rae?

Come here.

Rae, what's going on?

My mum won't let me go.

Rae, listen to everyone.

You've got to go.

Right, you're always being reminded
about how sick you were.

It's just making you worse.

You even said yourself,
you're getting better.

You know,
you and Finn are getting close.

Yeah. He's a good laugh.

Does he ever mention me?

I don't know really.

What do you reckon he'd do
if I tried to kiss him?

How should I know what he'd do?

Can you imagine sleeping with him?

You'd need a fucking bib.

That's disgusting.

It's what you said about Jarvis
Cocker last week.

- It's still disgusting.
- Well, you're disgusting.

Right, I'm off. Rae, come round
to mine tomorrow if you want.

Why?

Because I've got some really crap
reggae I want to show you.

And you can give me
some personal hygiene tips.

'Round one to me.'

Rachel, come name...
Special bird for you.

No, thanks.

Oh, Rae, come and name a bird.

Oh!

Ah! What's the matter with you?

You're not still in a mood, are you,
about that rave?

I'd like to see Kester's face

if he thought I was letting you go
to a rave.

Stop pretending like you know him.
I already told you,

he wants me to have a life.

Are you going to name this bird
or not?

You know, they might not even
like each other

and you've got them
all cooped up together.

- Well, a lot of us have to live like that, so...
- It doesn't make it right.

You shouldn't cage up wild animals.

Just name the bird!

Fine!

He's called Mandela.

Mandela.

That's like Nelson.

I like.

'So are you go to
the rave tomorrow?'

It doesn't look like it.

Will you go out with me?

Where?

'In the hospital. A dinner date.'

I'm going to try
and have some proper food.

'Kester says I need
to lose control.'

Oh, I love Kester for saying that.

How do I lose control?

Do something that you've always
wanted to do,

but you've been too scared of.

Can you think of anything?

Maybe.

Hiya, Tix. Hiya.

What are you up to?

A bit of admin.

Do you fancy going to the lake
with me later?

Me?
Yeah.

OK. Cool. What time?

- Four-ish?
- Four-ish, OK, cool.

'Even his house was a bit sexy.

'Oh, God, stop!

'No craziness. Stop the craziness.

'I'm breathing too deep.

'I'm hyperventilating.

'Put your hands on something flat.'

I pulled a hamstring.
Just stretching it out.

Come up to my room.

If my dad sees you,
he'll bend your ear for weeks.

'His bedroom?

'My God!

'This was it.

'About to enter the lion's den.'

Hi.

'Round two.'

Well, I didn't want to miss out
on listening to some reggae.

Yeah, cos you love reggae.

I don't particularly like
any type of music best.

I just like good music.

You know.

Finn, I love this song.

Who do you like best, Chloe?

Morrissey, or the lead singer
of the Smiths?

Well, it depends what mood I'm in.

What?

'In your face, Chloe!'

Right, who wants a beer?

- I will.
- Rae?

- No, I'm all right.
- Serious?

Come on, Rea. Don't be boring.

Don't be a weirdo.

'I can't believe I asked a boy out.

'Finally, I'm going to be able to
talk to Rea about kissing

'and sex things and flirting
and love.'

'Just like a normal girl.

'Maybe I can be normal.'

So what about Rae, then?
Is your mum not letting you go?

It's complicated.

It would be shit if you don't come.

Well, the rest of the gang
are still going.

You're still going
to have a good time.

The rest of the gang would fall
apart if you're not there.

You are the gang.
No, I mean that, Rae.

Everyone else has got
too much stuff going on.

You're the most, you know, normal.

That's bollocks.

It's true!

Anyway, you've got to go. I won't
take no for an answer because...

Because what?

- Are you OK?
- No, I just, um...

What's up?

I don't feel very well.

Well, d'you want me to see
if my dad will give you a lift home?

'Oh, God! No vomitorium!'

You'll like this.

I got really bladdered
at a Status Quo concert once.

'Round two to Chloe.'

'Just relax.

'He's just a boy.

'Rae would say something funny.

'Maybe I should tell a joke?

'No.

'Don't tell any jokes.

'Just make conversation.'

What do you want to talk about?

Ducks.

They're one of my favourite things,
ducks.

I mean, when you think about a duck,
they're just so...

chilled out.

They're not chilled out.
I've seen them fight.

Yeah, but once they've done
flapping their wings

and splashing about and stuff,

they just go back to being
so... chilled out.

- Hey, d'you know what we should do?
- What?

We should become ducks.

We'd go into the pond.

Danny, no,
they'll see you from the windows.

I fear nothing.

Come on, then.

'Lose control.

'Let go.

'Lose control.

'Let go.

'Lose control.

'Let go.

'Lose control.

'Let go.

'Lose control.'

Come on.

Oh, shit!

'Fucking pills! Fucking doctors!

'How was I supposed to compete for
Finn when I couldn't go anywhere,

'couldn't do anything?

'At least there was one adult
on the planet who understood.'

It's a load of crap.

I mean, I'm 16.

Everyone else is going.

And she's all like, "Oh, you can't go
because you're different.

"You shouldn't be exposing yourself
to that kind of situation."

She even used you in an argument.

"Oh, think of what Kester would say."

What did she think I'd say?

She said that you would think
it was a bad idea.

But she doesn't know about everything
we talk about in here.

She doesn't know about
all the work we've done

on me being brave and confident.

She just reminds me
that I'm ill all the time.

I agree with your mum.

I think it's a terrible idea.

You don't think that.

You're recovering
from a serious illness.

If you'd broken your leg,

would you try and run a marathon
two months later?

Do you still think I'm a mess, then?

I don't think you're a mess.

I think you need
to take care of yourself.

I need to take myself?

Who were you arguing with?

Last week in the car park.

I saw you.

Was it your wife?

How am I supposed to listen
to someone

whose life is a bigger mess
than mine?

What is even the point
of these sessions, seriously?

To find out what pushed you
over the edge

and to stop it from happening again.

Oh, you're always asking questions.

"Why did you hurt yourself?
Why did you go crazy?"

Sometimes there is no why.
I just did.

And being here and being asked
about it every bloody day

is what's keeping it alive.

Look, I know this is painful...

Are you even listening to me?

I was bored.

I was lonely.

I had no mates.

Now I'm finally popular.

And you just want to make me
feel different again.

I don't want to come here any more.

You are not obliged to come here,
Rae.

But I think it would be a bad idea.

I think we're making some real...
progress here. I think...

What would happen if I walked out
of the door right now

and never came back?

Aren't you going to try and say
something insightful to make me stay?

Do you think perhaps...

..your anger is born
out of frustration with yourself?

That you're angry and frustrated
with yourself for being ill?

You see, that is not something
you are entirely responsible for.

I don't half bloody love you,
beastie.

'Friday, the 23rd of August.

'Dear Diary...

'Oh, bollocks to it!'

Morning.

Morning.

What?

What happened?

What happened?

Someone let all the birds
out of the cage.

That's what happened.

Who did?

Why would someone do such a thing?
I don't know.

Maybe you could tell me
why someone would do such a thing.

Oh, my...!

Do you want to tell me
why you did it?

Well, I didn't know that they'd die.

Well, what did you think they'd do?
Fly back to the Bahamas?

Check in at the local RSPB?

Karim is in bits.

He built this because he doesn't
know many people here.

He wanted a project, something nice,
so he didn't feel so trapped.

I did it because they
shouldn't be in a cage.

They're birds, they're not toys.

No, you did it to get back at me

for not letting you go to the rave,
didn't you?

Well, is it any wonder I won't let
you go when you do things like this?

When you behave like a mental case?

Don't call me a mental case.

But... you know what I meant.
Don't you ever

call me a fuckin' mental case.

Don't talk to me like that, Rae.
I'm your mum.

I meant you need to start
behaving like an adult

instead of behaving like a child.
Yeah?

Well, maybe you need to start
behaving like my mum instead of

behaving like a twat.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rae.

Save it.

Where are you going?

I don't know, anywhere.

Away from you, away from him.

Rae, don't go.
Let's talk about this.

I'm really sorry.

Why don't you slap me
and then we're even?

I don't want to slap you.

I don't even want to look at you.

'I'd always known I'd have to run
away from home at some point.

'I'd always planned
that I don't stop at Chloe's.

'We'd be like sisters.
I'd have a normal family.'

'But things change.'

There you go.

Tea makes everything all right.

I reckon it'll be all right,
you know, in a couple of days.

When you've both had some space
or whatever.

Thanks for letting me stop.

It's all right.

My dad's ironing the sheets
for the spare room as we speak.

Oh, please don't let him do that.

I wouldn't try and stop him.

So what time's the rave?

We'll probably set off
in about an hour.

Why, are you thinking of coming?

No. No, I'm not.

It would mess up all the lifts
and stuff anyway.

Would it bollocks, no! I'll tell
Chloe to jump in with Chop.

And you can get on the scooter
with me.

'I can't even dip my toe
in a pond.

'I can't even lose control enough
to get my feet wet.

'I'll never be normal.

'I'll never be able to talk to Rae
about kissing and flirting and love.

'I'll never be like...'

- Rae?
- It's me.

What are you doing in here?

Hiding.

Why, what are you doing in here?

Hiding.

I thought you'd be getting ready
your big date with Rae.

I'm not going.

Please don't try
and convince me to go.

I once treated a young boy,
he was about seven years old.

He used to pull down on his
testicles whenever he was upset.

I mean really yank down,
it was truly eye-watering to behold.

Then one day,
I asked him a difficult question.

He pulled down so hard upon them
that he had to go to hospital.

That's crazy.

You'd be surprised what lengths
people will go to

not to face what's real

and painful inside them.

But then, that's what my job is.

I'm essentially a torturer.

This is where you say
that I'm not a torturer,

that I'm actually quite lovely.

My methods of torture
are asking you to trust people.

Asking you to lose control.

But if I'd been treated the way
you have been treated by people...

..I'd want to sit in a toilet

and hide away from
the rest of the world as well.

You are sitting in a toilet.

It's really quite nice, actually.

I can see why you and Rae
hang out here.

I do trust people, you know.

I trust Rae.

Well, then maybe you should
have dinner with her.

Are you all right?

Listen, try and have a good night.
Enjoy yourself.

Er, what's going on with you two?

What do you mean?
You look like a couple.

Come on, Chloe, we look like
a better couple than they do.

I've got one for everyone.

You fucking know this, come on.

Finn?
No, I'm all right.

Chloe?
No way.

What are you doing?
Taking a pill.

What, you hate drugs.
You don't take drugs.

You said there was one for everyone.

Not for you, you're different.

Why am I different?
Rae, are you in?

Ladies and gentlemen,
start your engines.

What's the point in keeping
a diary

when you're too scared
to even do anything?

When your life is boring?

When the only things you know are
how many calories things contain?

And how to lose them?

Oh, my God, Rae!
I can't believe you dropped a pill.

Yeah, well, you're the one
that told me to chill.

So, how's things going with Finn?

OK.

Are you staying at his tonight?

Yeah.

But it's a long story.

But you like him?
What, Finn?

No! We're just best mates.

I really want to kiss him,
but I don't know...

I think he likes someone else.

Who?

I'm not too sure.

Has he said anything to you?

No.

Maybe I won't try then.

Whoo!

Archie, come here.

If you were a bloke,
I'd shag your lights out.

Yeah. And if I was a bloke,
I'd let you.

Really?

I fucking love you, Rae.

Promise me we'll hang out
next year at college, yeah?

Whoo!

I know you.
Everyone knows me.

You've got the fuckin' moves, girl.

I love it. I love to dance.

I just love it.

Right, come dance with me.

Have you got anything?

I'm single, are you?

Are you here with someone?

No. I'm not single.

You can be single if you want.

Rae, Rae, come here.
Come here.

What are you doing?
I'm talking to her.

I'll bring her back in a second.
I just need to borrow her a minute.

Bye.

What are you doing with knobheads?
What are doing with Kendo?

Are you crying?

- I fuckin' love her.
- Who?

Izzy, I fuckin' love her.

Whoa!

Why are you telling me this?

Because you're the daddy. You know
everything. Tell me what to do.

Oh!

Tell her.

Just go over there and tell her
and be happy.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Bloody hell!

Come on.

Chop!

Hey, Barney, have you seen Chop?

Huh!

Er, Chop!

Chop!

Jesus, Rae, I'm so fucked.

Yeah.

Me too.

Um...

where the fuck is he?

That boy's a constant flight risk.

Right, just leave it.

Right? He'll come back when he's
ready.

And... I need another drink.

So come on.
So come on.

Come on, let's go.

Why are you laughing?

No way, I'll chunder.

Pussy!

Right...

I need to kiss him tonight, babes.
Who?

I need to kiss him.

I need to tell him.

What...
He needs to know!

What are you on about?
You're fucked.

No.

I'm all right.

I need to kiss him and I need to
tell him.

He needs to know!

Finn?

Piss off!

Finn?

Finn!

Finn?

No...

Rae, what are you going? Rae?
No!

Rae!

Rae!

Rae!

How you feeling?

Like twice-boiled shit.

Can you remember anything
from last night?

A little.

Oh, I can't remember a thing.

Oh... You're stopping at Finn's,
right?

No, just take me home.

What about your mum?
Ohhh...

What the fuck?!

Karim?

You sure you want to go home?

Yeah.

'Dear Diary,
if tea makes everything better,

'I need an ocean of it.

'I need all the tea in China.

'Sorry I haven't written for a while
but...

'well, what do you expect?

'I'm unreliable.

'I'm a mess.

'I'm mental.'

Hello, Mandela.

Hello?

'Rae? It's Kester.

'Look, it's about Tix.'

Oh, shit. The meal. I missed it.

Is she there? Can I speak to her?

'No, it's... it's not...

'She...'
What?

'She collapsed this morning.'

Is it serious?

'How quickly can you get to
the hospital?'

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