All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E21.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Hello once again.

I am agent Morris with the NSA.
And this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

You three are a great interest to the
US Guvernament,

as the bulk of you have experienced a
third verified alien abduction.

I mean, this is wild 'cause we were just
three gals roadtripping

to a hot sauce exto and now we're VIP
guests at the Pentagon.

Yeah, I would just like to say for
the record,

Pentagon has always
been my favorite shape,

so this is a real treat for me.

All right, good to hear.

Now, let's start with how you were all
brought into the spacecraft.

Well, we had pulled over on
the side of the highway

just to stretch our legs and suddenly I
was enveloped by this warm blue light.

And it gently lifted us on to
the ship like we was floating.

Then we met aliens made of pure
energy. Almost like angels, sir.

I just about cried.

And you, Ms. Rafferty?

- Yeah, same.
- Oh, really?

No, obviously not.

Yeah, I wasn't so much gently
lifted as I was yanked skyward

by some sort of claw machine device,
and mind you,

I'm popping a squat on the median at the
time

so I slide right out of my slacks and
I'm become rocketed up to the ship

with my coutcoutin in the air.

I barely managed to pull my
wonder wear back up.

I'm sorry, your wonder wear?

Yeah, I call them that because if you saw
them, you'd wonder where they'd been.

Anyway, I get dumped on board
the bottom of the ship,

and I see my old pals, the little gray
aliens with the big dumb eyes.

And it hits me, Colleen,

this may be the most stable
relationship you've ever had.

That's unfortunate. Now, once you were
on board, what happened?

Well, the aliens showed us,
like, the five elemental forces

that knit the fabric of reality
together.

And y'all will never believe this,

but those phi forces were arrange
in the a pentagon.

Like, there is a universal language that
bonds the universe together,

and the closest word we have to describe
it is love.

And you, Ms. Rafferty?

Yeah, a little different down in third
class.

I get on board and the gray aliens, god
bless them, they're already standing

in line to bat my knockers around, so I
think what the hell, play the hits, right?

So I start unbuttoning my blouse, but I'm
in my skivvis, which are real loose.

So, my itsy and bitsy are in full view,
not to get too graphic,

but pubically speaking, it's a
jungle down there.

I've got more hair poking out the side
than a hipster's beard

stuffed into an N-95.

I'm not proud of it, but, hey, why clean
the house if nobody's coming over, right?

Thank you, Ms. Rafferty for
that detailed account.

Now, what happened next with the
energy beings?

Well, the aliens showed us how an infinite
number of realities

can coexist at once.

Yeah, and, like, how the different
realities converging in one spot

where all the love of every being
exists forever,

kind of what we would call
heaven.

What?

All right, no. So, these two are hanging
with Doctor Strange and the multiverse,

meanwhile, I'm stuck with the madness.

Back in economy, word is out
about my Harry's fodder.

And the grays are all a buzz.

These are pointing at my down
there hair, and they're like kinda...

Elbowing each other like, are
you guys seeing this?

So, the group's reaction was
one of excitement?

Yeah, like when a dog... like a dog when
its owner comes home from work.

It was bedlam, okay?

They're running around, they're waving
their arms like Kermit the frog,

making weird little noises like...

And then one of these little
bastards runs up and...

I'm sorry, Carla, I got to use you here.

Plucks one right out,
starts showing it off.

Now, suddenly my curlies have become
the must-have item of the season,

and they're flying off the shelf.

They're grabbing and plucking
and grabbing and plucking,

climbing all over each other like my bush
is the last lifeboat on the "Titanic."

And were you unsettled by this at all?

No. Honestly the entire time, all I could
think was, damn,

that fortune teller was dead on.

- Did you guys get any of that pube stuff?
- No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Hey, don't apologize. First time in my
life I'm ready for bikini season.

Again, very detailed. Well, how were you
returned to earth?

There was another soft light that just
washed over me,

and I was instantly back
to where I was before.

Oh, it was like waking up
from an amazing dream.

Okay, see, now, that really rips my nips.

Because I had to climb down a GD
rope ladder that was too short,

right so I dropped 20 feet and
land ass up

with my dong hole and wrong hole out in
the middle of a field.

And what happened next?

The Umpire called timeout and the Mets
security staff took me out of the stand.

Not the most embarrassing thing
I've done on a jumbotron.

Well, that was a riveting testimony, but
there is something you should all know.

We have been in contact with the beings.

They have offered the U.S. Government
access to some of their technology

if one of you agrees to go with them
permanently.

Well, I can read the room.
It's me, right?

Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like
an alien on this planet anyway.

Well, Earth,

I love you.

Thanks for letting me stay a
while.

Live from New York, it's
Saturday night.

Musical guest, Japanese Breakfast.

And your host,
Natasha Lyonne.

Ladies and gentlemen
Natasha Lyonne!

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

My name is Natasha Lyonne, and I
also wish I was Harry Styles.

Gosh.
Will you look at this?

I'm hosting the season finale of
"Saturday Night Live".

For a real New Yorker like me, that's big.
I have a show called "Russian doll".

The second season of "Russian
doll" just premiered on Netflix,

and two things you definitely want to be
associated with right now

are Russia and Netflix.

You know, it's my first time hosting and
I'm genuinely humbled to be here.

The truth is, I feel a cosmic
connection to SNL.

The people here are my real-life
chosen family.

I have been coming here since I
was a teenager.

I cocreated "Russian doll" with Amy
Poehler. And I have great friends...

I have great friends from the show.

- Are you busy?
- Right now? No, not at all.

I thought we could try our Natasha Lyonne
impressions for you.

We do good impressions of you
when you're not around.

- Congratulations. Ipso facto.
- That's good.

Yeah, yeah. How are you?
All right.

It's a dynamite sweater.
Cockaroach.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

Alright.

Freddy and I dated for seven
years.

We're the only couple who had a
sex tape nobody wanted to buy.

God, I love this place. SNL combines
everything I like.

New York City, show business, people who
have done the same thing since the '70s,

and different unions fighting.
Yeah, I love it.

I mean, I'm a New York City kid
and a showbiz baby.

Weird story, but while I have
you, listen to this.

So, I'm born in New York.
Doesn't matter what year.

Early '80s probably.
Everything is brown.

Most automobiles are long and
banana colored.

My parents get this big idea that I have a
future in show business,

so I start auditioning.

A lot of casting directors are looking for
a little orphan Annie type

who talks like Dederamon.

Here's a clip from one of my
earliest roles.

Hi, Elvis.
Hi, Cher.

Hi, Pee Wee.

- We've got a new member.
- Her name is Opal.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah.

I got to say, my best work to
date.

So, I do some TV.
My mom and moved to the Upper East Side.

Suddenly I'm in the movies.
I was in all those '90s movies,

American Pie, American Pie 2. American Pie
and the multieverse of madness.

Etcetera. And cult
favorite "But I'm a cheerleader."

So, things are going great and knock
knock, who's there?

Multiple arrests and drug addiction.
Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back.

Life was rough.

But like when Fabio was on that roller
coaster and the bird flew into his face...

Hey, do we have a photo of that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like when Fabio, when that
happened,

I brushed myself off
and I got back on the ride.

And now I'm here.
All right?

Sure, I'm conflating events, glossing over
entire decades, but I'm here.

And I'll tell you what I found. There's
always hope and despair

and there's always a reason to get back in
the ring and fight another day.

We got a great show.
Japanese Breakfast is here.

Stick around and we'll be right
back.

My name is Davis,
and I'm stupid.

Hi. I'm Joanne.

And for as long as I can remember,
I've been a stupid person.

I'm Tim, and my parents are both stupid.
I'm stupid, and my grandson is stupid.

Nearly 1 in 5 U.S. adults live with a
mental illness or learning disability.

And we are not that.
Believe me. They checked.

I'm just plain stupid.

I always knew I was different.

Things that were obvious to everyone else
were always very complicated for me.

Jokes have to be explained.
Movies have to be explained.

Foods have to be explained.
Slowly.

I don't need this thing.
I just thought it sounded cool.

I guess that's stupid.

Most people, like me, go their whole lives
without ever knowing they're stupid,

but we're everywhere. We drive your buses.
We run companies.

- I write laws.
- And I don't even know what I do.

I found out I was stupid walking full
speed into a glass window.

A stained glass window.

Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

- Being stupid is not a choice.
- It's not a choice.

It's a choice.

Just because you are a stupid person
doesn't mean you don't have a voice.

- So, get out there.
- Get out there.

- And vote.
- And vote.

- Let your voice be heard.
- Vote.

- Vote.
- I'm stupid, and I vote.

I vote.
And I am very stupid.

Wait.
This ain't my grandson.

My stupid vote counts as much
as anybody else.

And sometimes way more,
like in my county.

- So don't let them stop you.
- Don't let them confuse you.

Somebody will say something, and then
somebody will say something else.

It's just too much.

You can vote.
You can buy a gun.

You can buy all the guns.

I watch one channel, and I get so mad.

My son's wife is a smart person.
She's tearing us apart.

- Vote.
- Get out there.

Vote every day if you have to.

It's not like they ask if you're stupid.

Nobody should have to learn
things that they don't want to.

I vote for donkeys.
But sometimes I like elephants.

I want a candidate that
smiles at me.

The computer screen says prove you're
not a robot, so I cut myself.

Somebody said a joke and I'm
like, is that real?

My screen time is 14 hours a day.

But they don't know I have
another phone.

- Vote.
- Vote.

- Vote.
- Dance.

- Vote. For a tall man.
- Vote.

Because they give you a sticker
and you can put it anywhere.

Wait, this is my grandson.

No score as we head into the bottom
of the third, Yankees-White Sox.

Lyle O'Riley for WNYX alongside hall of
famer Biz Newsom.

- Gorgeous day for a ball game!
- It is.

Before we get back to the action
on the field,

let's go to Walt Hall for a
word from our sponsors. Walt?

WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you
by Smackman's department store.

Where did you get that plain
brown suit and plain brown hat?

Well, Smackman's of course.
Back to the ball game.

Thank you, Walt.

Glad you made it in today.

I understand you were feeling a little
under the weather this morning?

Oh, yeah.
Stuffy head, sore throat, the works.

Luckily, my doctor prescribed me
this new cold medicine called

methamphetamine.

- Yeah, it just knocks my cold right out.
- Well, glad you're feeling better.

I'm excited.
I am feeling very chatty.

And I feel like I want to talk
about everything forever.

Okay. Sounds like this methamphetamine
medicine did the trick.

And Gene Woodling comes to the
plate.

15 for 25 this season against
lefty pitchers.

- Not bad for an alcoholic.
- Don't say, that Biz.

Hey, you seen Woodling's wife?
Mamma mia, okay.

22 years old, the push on
that woman.

I am like a soldier's haircut,
high and tight.

Let's not talk about another
man's wife like that.

Here's the pitch.

- It's out of here!
- Except it's not.

- Pop fly directly over home plate.
- You know what?

I'm going take another cold pill
so I don't get stuffy.

Okay, sounds good, Biz.

Joltin' Joe DiMaggio is headed
to the plate.

Or should I say, Mr. Marilyn Monroe?

How the hell, did Joe DiMaggio,

the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball
snag that broad?

Watch the language, Biz.

You know he's Italian, right?
Italians aren't even white.

Okay! Please, don't say that, Biz.
And here's the pitch.

Line drive at third.

- And it's out of here!
- No, it's not. It is not.

- But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.
- Oh, yeah.

Question... how much money would you pay
to sniff Marilyn Monroe's bed sheets?

Okay, I'm not going to answer, that
because that is inappropriate.

Oh, no, it's not. Inappropriate would be
something like,

how do you fit four hookers onto a chair?
Turn it upside-down.

Oh, my God.
No, Biz.

How about a sponsor I.D.?
Walt?

Today's coverage is brought to you by
Mitchum, the businessman's scotch.

Thank you, Walt.
One out, runner on first.

Rookie Mickey Mantle coming to
the plate.

Another fool's hound.

A lot of folks say this kid's power
reminds them about a young Babe Ruth.

You heard the story about
Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right?

Hello.

Of course.

Well, the station manager told me not to
tell the story about Babe Ruth.

- It's a real shame, because it's...
- Maybe lay off that cold medicine.

- Mantle squaring up at the plate.
- What the hell, right?

Okay, So,w e're down the road in
Cleveland.

- The pitch is low ball one.
- It's midnight after the game.

Babe is drunk as a skunk,
looking for what else?

- Whores and hot dogs.
- Please stop. And right lines up.

Okay, so nothing's open.
Babe is starving.

The pitch ball two.

So he sees this street urchin kid, about
10 years old,

- and Babe Ruth, he ate him.
- No.

No, he did not.

- Babe Ruth was so hungry...
- No.

- That he ate a child alive!
- No, he did not.

- And that is ball three.
- He did.

- He did not.
- He did. Clothes and all.

No. Babe Ruth was famously kind
to children.

3-0's is count.

- Well, he ate one.
- No!

If you're listening to this and you're in
your car and stuck in traffic,

- I have an idea. Just gun it.
- Don't do that.

- Slam the gas and see what happens.
- No. He's joking. Don't do that.

- I'm not!
- Ball four. Bases loaded.

I have some observations on
different races.

No, no, no.

- Let's hear from our sponsor.
- I kind of want to hear this.

And so I pulled up my pants
and I said I'll see you at work

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, Kingston Residence Inn.

Once again, we are the
Treece Henderson Trio.

So glad you joined our big
kickoff to summer celebration.

We got a hot show to get back to, but
before we do, my allergies are exploding.

Can I ask if anyone has Nasonex?

Just a little squirt of Nasonex?
Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex.

It would really get me through this
experience.

I'll put a condom on the
nasal insert so it doesn't get infected.

Can I get that squirt?
Am I speaking clearly?

I have asked for
Nasonex at least 11 times.

Nas-o-nex?

- No?
- Nobody has it, Treece.

Okay, fine.

Tweedle Dee roll
Tweedle Dee bun

Soon we'll eat
hamburgers in the summer sun

All right.
Let's meet the band.

On keyboard, it's Brad Dates.

And his last name is Dates, but
he hasn't had one in six years.

I've been married for ten, Treece.

Hey, this is just show patter.
I don't know.

- Also here tonight, it's Helen.
- I'm Helen. I don't play an instrument.

I'm just here to dance.

Well, we love Helen helping
out the band.

And finally, on harmonica, it's my
roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Watch me blow this.

Yeah!
Cassie, yes!

That was fire, Cassie Marie.

I thought you would be phoning it in
tonight

considering the state I found you
in this morning.

Oh, no.
That's between us, Treece.

I told you everything is fine.

Well, you were crying pretty
hard in the car.

Okay, Treece, I don't want to
talk about that here.

- My tears are my business.
- Yeah, boundaries, Treece.

But I care about her
emotional state.

- Treece, zip it.
- Okay, fine!

Summerty this, bake pigs and yes! Put on a
thong and spread all your summer sass!

All right. How is everybody doing tonight?
How about you, lovely couple?

Oh, we're not a couple.
I'm gay and she's my psychic.

Yeah, and the spirit world is telling me
that

your harmonica player is hiding
something from you.

I knew it.
Spill the beans, Cassie Marie.

Oh, ho! There is nothing to spill, and
there's no such thing as psychics.

- It's someone with an R name.
- What?

So there's a R in your life?
Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

- It is not R. Kelly.
- That's good news.

Tweedle Dee hot
no kids in school

I want to make friends with
somebody who has a pool

Treece, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Cassie
is about to receive a nest cam alert.

Oh, my goodness.
Pull out your phone.

- Treece, you're killing the vibe.
- Just do it.

It's your nest cam.
There's someone in your front yard.

She was right again.

You two!
Get out of here with your devil business!

Oh, no, I paid $4 for both of
these seats.

We're not going anywhere, honey.

Who is that in your yard?
He's wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

- That's an R name!
- Yes, it's my ex, Ronald.

Well, that explains the tee.
Wait, what's he doing now?

- He's in the closet bedroom. Yes.
- What?

But that's my closet bedroom.
That's where I put my fashionware.

He must think they're mine.

He's going to burn them to get
me back for dumping him.

Oh, no, he has my Bottega
Veneta Fanny pack.

You can't burn that!
That's my Bottega Veneta.

- But it's a knockoff, Treece.
- Oh, you shut up!

- Treece, they're just clothes.
- You're just clothes.

And her ex-boyfriend is about to
Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta

and set it on fire and walk away
and snap.

- Now, call him and tell him to'stop.
- Okay, just for you, Treece.

Hello, Ronald.
What did you say to me?

No, you're garbage!
I don't care.

Burn every piece of clothing in
that room if you want!

- No! That was not the plan.
- I'm sorry, Treece.

- I'll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.
- You can't. You're poorer than me.

My Bottega Veneta!

Tweedledee hot
Yard for the buzz

I'm cutting you off of all of my summer
songs

- No!
- Yes!

Well, all good things must
come to an end, including this prom.

But we've got a couple songs left.
So let's make them count.

Class of 2002, how y'all feeling?

Hard to believe it's been
20 years since that night.

After graduation, we all went
our separate ways,

but I still like to think about my old
friends and smile.

Shelly Hines graduated first in our class,
then went to Harvard,

where she graduated dead last. I guess
our high school just wasn't that good.

Tessa White got married and had
two beautiful daughters.

And one fat ugly son.

As for Rachel Finster, well, the
less said about her the better.

Dana Miguel made good on her
promise to hike the Appalachian Trail.

She remains missing to this day.

Trena Dash played D-1 soccer in college
and won a national championship.

She should have been happy, but
she never got over Rachel Finster

sleeping with her dad.

Darius Caldwell eventually made
it to the pros...

professional pornography.

He's worked with all the greats,
even Rachel Finster.

As for Carly Hill, she moved to West
Virginia after high school

and married a miner, a coal miner
who was 16 years old.

Billy Mandel followed his dreams.

Unfortunately, he only dreamed
about killing his grandparents.

Dougie Finnegan never stopped
inventing things,

and eventually
one of those inventions made him rich.

Fentanyl. Maybe you heard of it?
Rachel Finster sure has.

Class sweethearts Becca and Robbie made
a vow to lose their virginity that night.

And they both did.

To the deejay.

Some people had happier stories,
like Natalie Turner,

who was granted the first gay marriage
license in the state.

We all went to the wedding,

even Rachel Finster, who was there
protesting with her hateful church.

Seven years later, Jeff Ahmed
reached out to Rachel

to try to talk sense and her,
and it worked.

They started dating and moved
in together.

His body was never found.

Some of our friends surprised us.

Carla Andretti followed her
mother's footsteps all the way

to the US capitol building,
on January 6th.

How can we forget Amy Fulton?

I'm not sure how, but we all did.

Just completely forgot about her
like she didn't exist.

Then there's Peter Liu, who left a huge
mark on Broadway

after he threw himself off the roof of the
Winter Garden Theater protesting.

Herschel Williams, he became a writer.

His first brook, "Friend of the devil,
growing up with the Rachel Finster,"

was a best seller.

Time took us all in
different directions.

For a brief moment, we were all there
together dancing the night away

with our whole lives ahead of us.

Except for me.

I was murdered by Rachel Finster,

and my soul cannot cross over until she
is brought to justice.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Japanese Breakfast.

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

- Good evening, everyone.
- Welcome to "Weekend Update."

- I'm Michael Che.
- I'm Colin Jost.

Well at last year's finale it seemed like
Covid was fading,

and I said we're about
to have the horniest summer ever.

And now, summer's hottest STD
is Monkeypox.

That's how weird and bad things have
gotten.

The stock market is crashing, there's
a war in Europe,

everyone on This is Us is about to croak.

The future is looking pretty bleak.

I mean you'd have to be crazy to bring a
child into the world right now.

I mean, I just did, but don't worry,
I've been hoarding baby formula.

Recent reports show that Fox News host
Tucker Carlston,

seen here bragging about how big it is,

has repeatedly pusjed the theory that
Democrats

wanna replace white people with
minorities.

But that doesn't even make sens
because white people still exist.

It's not like they suddenly turn into
minorities. Unless it's Halloween.

Tucker Carlson's got a lot of nerve
pushing these wild conspiracy theories,

because if he thinks the government
has a secret plot to help minorities

he must be smoking that crack the CIA
secretly put in black neighborhoods.

Representative Liz Chaney attacked the
House Geo-P leadership

saying they've enabled white supremacy
and anti-semitism.

House leadership rejected Cheney's attacks
calling them cheaper than a black rabbi.

Right wing election denier
Doug Mastriano,

whose face appears to be photoshopped
on to a hot dog

won the Pennsylvania
Republican primary for Governor

and said if he's elected he'd be so far to
the right

he'd make Ron Desantis look like a
centrist.

Instead of what Desantis looks like now,
my dad watching me in the scool musical.

Elon Musk defended himself from
allegations that he reportedly

exposed himself to a flight attendant on
his private jet, saying,

'If I were inclined to engage in sexual
harassment,

this is unlikely to be the first time in
my entire 30-year career

that it comes to light.'

Ooh, sorry, we were looking for
a simple "Did not do it".

The answer was,
Did not do it.

Republicans in Georgia are concerned
that Donald Trump

has endorsed candidates
in the primaries who are not qualified.

For instance, his pick for Attorney
General

is literally '90s action star
Steven Segal.

Now, that's not true,

but what does it say about Trump that
you didn't doubt it for a second?

Rich parents across the country are
reportedly stocking up on

black market baby formula,

which I assume is formula that was
supposed to go to black markets.

Taylor Swift gave a commencement address
at NYU's graduation ceremony this week,

because college is a lot like breaking up
with Taylor Swift.

You're still going to be paying
for it decades later.

Former President Trump announced
that he is writing a book

about alleged voter
fraud in the Presidential elections.

The book wil contain 8,000 commas
and no periods.

With Covid restrictions relaxing, many
Americans are planning to travel abroad.

Here with his tips for romantic
international getaways

is a guy who just
bought a boat.

Guess who's got two tickets to
bumping thighs? Yes!

Alright, man.
I'm already regretting this.

- But let's hear some of your travel tips.
- You got it.

Let's talk best place to get the best lays
on vacays. M'kay?

Take your new girl to the old world.

The South of France is perfect for mouth
in pants.

And if a nude beach is an
appealing featch

head down to the French
skivviera to see Nice cans.

Soon she'll want you to be like Napoleon
and bone her part.

I have a small penis.

Don't just stay in France, as
many women told me,

you've got to move around down there.

So hop a train, Euro Rail is your ticket
to euro tail.

So many choice stops.
Maybe try Berlin to reel her in.

And before you know it you'll be exploring
her Black Forest

and she'll be moaning and your ear, this
is the worst thing to happen in Germany.

Oh, my God. Come on, man.

Oh, yeah.
Come on, I shall.

If you don't want to be an uglo americano,
you gotta blend in with the locals, Jost.

So grab a guide book and remember,
Rick Steves leads to slick beavis.

And there's nothing scarier than
a language barier.

A little Duo Lingo and you'll
be doing lingus.

Mi jamon es muy peqenio.

- Your ham is tiny?
- Si, Abuelita.

Speaking of small servings, head
to Barcelona and sample the local tapas.

Or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost.
We're taling Italy.

Okay? And to get your Bologna into some
pussitano, don't forget...

Don't forget about her Naples if you want
her to...

if you want her to gobble goo.

Oh, my God. Some people are
like visibly sick.

Why would any woman
want to be with you?

I have to admit, I have driven many a lady
to the Isle of Lesbos.

- Ah, man.
- In my boat, Colin.

Oh, yeah. Guy who just bought a boat,
everyone.

Paramount plus announced they are making
a new Yellowstone pre-quel series

that will star
Harrison Ford and Helen Miren.

The 79 years old Ford will play a wealthy
ranch owner,

while the 76 years old Mirren
will play his grandmother.

A new report shows that the state with
the highest obesity rate

in the country is
Missippippi.

It's gotten so bad, doctors
had to remove its foot.

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight
helped deliver a passanger's baby,

while heading to Florida,

because on Frontier it's not even worth
asking if anyone on board is a doctor.

Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public
appearance this week at the opening

of a new train line in London after prince
Charles tied her to the tracks.

It's not real.

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying
his lover as a sea creature

was sold at
auction for $67 million.

It's a beautiful abstract expression of
his love and admiration

that he named
"Titty Squid."

There are a growing number of
nuns joining TikTok

to show what life in a convent is
really like.

Because when the Catholic Church tries to
connect with young people,

it always goes well.

This will get you back.

A school district in Florida is
investigating a picture posted online

of students spelling out the N word.

It's a shocking instance of Florida
students being able to spell.

Well, it's almost summer and as the
weather changes,

so do styles and trends.

Here to comment on what's in for summer
are two trend forecasters.

Yes, here we go now.
Here we go now.

Well, thanks for coming back. I can see
you're ready for the warm weather.

Yes.

We had a meeting this morning
with the sun.

We typed what it told us into
a big, throbbing computer.

Here is...
the report.

- Our first category is...
- Summer fruit trends.

In, grapes with seeds.

In, tying cherry stem with
tongue to impress for sex.

In, "Watermelon Sugar" song.

And out...

Navel orange!

Navel orange, ew. Why do you have a
belly button. You're fruit!

What's next?
Honeydews with c-section scars?

Naval orange, go to bed, bitch!

Why do you guys always have
to yell?

Because if we whisper,
no one listens!

- Our next category is...
- Greeting trends.

- In, "Hey!"
- In, "Katherine?"

In, "Come on in, guys,
welcome to Hooters."

And out... 'This is your captain
speaking.'

No, you're flying a plane,
not hosting a podcast.

You're a pilot. Captains are for boats,
you sky bitch!

By the way, your girl workers
are giving me vodka back here.

We're having an amazing time
without you.

Go to bed, bitch!

Are you guys okay?

Are you okay?

No! We're terrified!
Because the next category is here.

Time trends.

- In, 3:25 P.M.
- In, about 10 to 15 minutes.

In, midnight when you turn to
pumpkin.

- And out...
- When the kitchen is closed!

When the kitchen's closed,
how interesting.

I can see people moving around
back there.

All I want is a complicated
dish that's not on the menu,

- and I'm allergic to everything!
- The kitchen's closed?

Go to bed, bitch!

I love when you come, but I never
understand anything you're saying.

Good, enjoy the view, Mr. Che.

- And pay attention to...
- Future trends!

In, 10 nice years.

In, a friend I really
couldn't have done this without.

- And whoa, look who's back in...
- It's navel orange. We love you, girl.

Congratulations, navel
orange.

Wai, so what's going to be out in the
future?

Well, Michael, the computer
has ousted three trends.

And you know they have to be
a victor to hell.

- Out is prettile little bouquet.
- Expensive tiara.

- And Michael che!
- No!

But I'm just hearing
something new is in.

- In, my best guys kissing me.
- Well, then, we must.

- Trend forecasters, everybody.
- Love you!

Aidy Bryant.

A manager of an Arby's...
This is a terrible transition.

A manager of an Arby's in Washington has
been arrest for distributing child porn.

If found guilty he could face up to 20
years as a manager at Subway.

The man also told police that he urinated
in milk shakes

for his own
sexual gratification.

Authorities became suspicious when they
noticed the milk shakes tasted better.

Arby's.
We have the peepee shakes.

A California hiker who was
attacked by a mountain lion

said her dog saved her life by jumping to
her defense because after the dog,

the mountain lion was way too full to eat
anything else.

It's not real!

A British woman discovered
when she got pregnant

that she had a second tiny vagina.
Uh, yeah, the butt.

A woman in Maryland graduated from college
a day after her 82nd birthday.

Apparently it took her so long
because she's very, very dumb.

I wanna do another one.

A woman in Maryland graduated from college
a day after her 82nd birthday.

But I heard they only passed her
because her roommate died.

Well, guys, it is the final
episode of the season.

Here to talk about it is Pete
Davidson.

Hello, thank you.

Hello.
Thanks.

Hello, Colin and Che and
millions of people only watching

to see if I bring up Kanye.

- Yeah, you had a weird year.
- Yeah.

I just... I never imagined this
would be my life. You know, I mean...

Look at me when I started here.

Back then I was just like a skinny kid and
no one knew what race I was.

Like now, everyone knows I'm white

because I became hugely successful while
barely showing up to work.

And like, look at me now.
I'm aging like an old banana,

and Colin still looks like the
only Kennedy who doesn't drink.

Thanks, Pete.
So, are you officially leaving?

Yeah, man, Lorne accidentally
gifted me a sock, so I'm free.

Has a lot changed since you
started here?

A lot has changed.
In three years

Fox News went from calling me a monster

for making fun of congressman Dan
Crenshaw's eye patch

to also making fun of his eye patch.

Tucker Carlson called him Eye
Patch McCain.

That's two veterans in one insult. Jeez,
Colin, your dad's a dick.

Actually, Pete, I'm not related to
Tucker Carlson.

I learn something every day.

In fairness, to what I originally said,
because it still bothers me,

I was making a joke about
someone's appearence

without realizing that the medical
condition behind it was a sensitive issue,

which is a SNL alumni tradition.

On one hand I don't like that people think
they can run on stage and hit a comedian.

But on the other is how I know that all my
shows will now be sold out.

Pete, is there anything you're
going to miss about this place?

Oh, yeah. Lorne for sure.
He's amazing.

He's led us through the Covid era.

Even though the only time he wears a mask
is at his "Eyes Wide Shut" parties.

No, he really always gives me the best
advice.

This is all true advice that
Lorne's given me.

I'll never forget.
I called him when I got engaged.

"Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana
Grande after dating her for two weeks."

He said "Oh, hold on for dear life."

It's a true thing he said.

And then I remember when I auditioned for
SNL he looked me in the eye and said,

I don't think you're right for this show,
so let's screw this up together.

And that's exactly what we did.

And that's why people who don't
think I deserve the job

shouldn't really hate me since
we have so much in common.

Like, if anything, I should
inspire hope

that literally anyone can be on
Saturday Night Live.

Seriously, you see a guy bumming
cigarettes outside a 7-Eleven

at 2:00 A.M., that's not some meth head,
that's the next Pete Davidson.

I'm going to miss you, Pete.

Thanks, Colin, even though I
know it says so on your cue card.

You have been like an older brother to me,
in that my mom loves you more.

I appreciate SNL, always having my
back and allowed me to work on myself

and grow and you know, thank you to
Lorne for never giving up on me

or judging me even when everyone else was
and for believing in me and allowing me

to have a place that, like, I could call
home

with memories that will last a
lifetime, so thank you guys.

Pete Davidson, everyone.

- For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin jost.
- And I'm Michael Che. Good night!

We now return to the 1981
not classic, "9:15 to 5:10."

Before we go in, Joyce Reed,
we should give you a warning.

Yeah, Mr. Dooley's a grade-A
bigot and misogynist.

- But is he nice?
- He's the exact opposite of nice.

Someone ought to kill him.

But he's our boss and it's
1981 and we're three women.

And someone ought to kill him.
Come on.

- Mr. Dooley, are you decent?
- Oh, in the sack?

Yeah, I do okay, but just give me a second
to button everything back up.

Oh, my god, did you just
shoot Mr. Dooley?

He barely said a line.

Well, you said you wanted him
dead, so I did.

Where did you get that gun
even?

My husband gave it to me, in case I see a
deer in the street.

But now what do we do? The shareholder
meeting is in ten minutes.

Are we sure he's dead?
I mean your pistol's so tiny.

Well, there's only one way to
find out. Let's tickle him.

What?
Tickle a dead guy?

We don't know he's dead,
not until we tickle him.

Okay.
Here goes nothing.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!
Tickle, tickle!

Yeah, well, he didn't even move.
Not even a little, so I guess he is dead.

What do you think we should do?

I think... oh, no, the
shareholders are coming.

Well, should we cut up his
body and burn it?

There's no time. They're here.
Follow my lead.

Dooley.

Good to see you, old cheeseburger.
I hope you have some good news for us.

Yeah, what are your numbers
this quarter?

Oh, big high numbers.
I like to see that.

I like it, too. But why are the women
raising your arms?

Who, us?
We're not women.

No, we are women.
We're just not here.

No, we're here. It's just that behind
every great man

are three dumb women
moving his arms around, right?

Good one, Dooley.

Come on, Dooley, laugh
with us.

Oh, well, Mr. Dooley loves to
laugh.

Classic Dooley. Needs three women
to make him laugh.

Wait, that doesn't make sense.
Women aren't funny.

- He's not dead, is he?
- Dead? Hardly. I mean, look at this dog.

- His hands are all over our bodies.
- Oh, Mr. Dooley!

That's good fun.
Hey, how about a drink, Dooley?

Yeah, it's 11:00 A.M. somewhere.

A drink? Well, Mr. Dooley makes great
drinks at that bar across the room.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

Why is he staying in that chair?

Oh, uh, because he just got a
colonoscopy.

- Yeah, and they left the tube in.
- Oh, that's the worst.

Our line worked.

Now we just have to make the drink.

Can we offer you a Mai Tai?

Breaking a lot of bottles
there, old Dooley.

- Oh, wait until you taste it.
- Yes. Okay, here they are.

Perfect. Mai Thais.

Mr. Dooley.
You're all over me.

Thank you. Wait... wait a second.
Something's off here.

Look at Dooley.

Yeah, he doesn't have
a drink in his hand.

That's 'cause he's dead!

Dead on with this Mai Tai.
Great work, Dooley.

But you know what? Just in case he is
dead, I'm going to tickle him.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!

Yep. Dead.
Thought so.

You girls are going to do time.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're
going to go to the police.

But wait, that's the window,
not the door.

Once again,
Japanese Breakfast.

I want to express myself because I'm
young at heart and I want to show it.

And I want to look as young
as I feel.

But anti-aging creams in hair dyes have
harmful chemicals that just aren't me.

Because I'm eco friendly and
a little funky too.

What do we do?

Sounds like you need gray
adult pigtails.

The number one hairstyle for whimsical
women of a certain age.

- Whether you're a puppeteer.
- A pet psychic.

Or someone's aunt's therapist's wife.

You need a hair style that says, people
are going to be talking about me

for years
after meeting me for five minutes.

- Because you're unique.
- You love art.

And you want people to see
you and think, "Got it."

So grab two elastics and change your life
with gray adult pigtails.

Because you never stop smoking pot.
Why should your hair?

- Pair it with...
- A cranberry's t-shirt.

- Children's tutu.
- This bag.

- Denim overalls, naked underneath.
-A Rasta hat in culturally neutral colors.

You wish you could be this whimsical.
I look how incense smells.

I grow all my own food,

but my electric bill for twinkle lights
would blow your mind.

I have a boyfriend
who comes over once a week.

He lives in the woods, keeps bongos in his
truck, and is very much a sculptor.

- Hey, pussycat.
- Ah, Richard, baby.

- How did your sculpting go today?
- I don't know.

Do these sharp, rusty beauties
answer your question?

Oh, Richard, baby.
You're a genius.

I love your mind even more than
your body.

You know what else she loves?
My gray adult pig tail.

That's right.
They're not just for ladies.

They're for Richard, too.

You were married to that golf
player and doctor for way too long.

You want to attract the right
kind of man.

When I put my gray hair way up high I
immediately got a boyfriend.

Me too.

- The same one.
- Yeah, we're all dating Richard.

He's like if a guy was magic.
And we'll love him forever.

Nine years ago we met at a
white Buddhist temple for swingers.

He's a freak for the gray
adult pigtails.

Yeah, what can't I say?
Can't ride a bike with no handle bars.

Oh, Richard!

With are we talking about
piggy tails?

Look what I made.
It's an extremely sharp metal guitar.

You know what we should do? Let's blow the
metal roof off this place. Hit it.

And the seasons go round and round

And the painted moldings they
go up and down

Gray adult pigtails.
Buy them at any natural food health store.

Thank you to Japanese Breakfast,
Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph.

Had the time my life.
Have a great summer.