All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E20.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

This is an MSNBC news
special report.

Good evening, I am Nicolle Wallace and
you're watching MSNBC news because you

have nowhere else to place your
anger.

Tonight political fallout from the recent
January 6th subpoenas,

updates on the Russian helicopter taken
down by Ukraine

plus a nationwide shortage
of baby formula.

But we start of course with the Johnny
Depp - Amber Heard cuckoo trial.

I know it's not the most pertinent story
of the moment,

but with all of the problems in the world
isn't it nice to have a news story

we can all collectively watch and say
I'm glad it ain't me?

I thought so.
We take you now to live coverage.

Mr. Depp, earlier in this trial
you mentioned that miss Heard

- left fecal matter in your bed.
- That is correct, yes.

And how did that make you
feel?

I felt very, very...
sad.

Objection. Your honor, we've been through
this, there's no actual proof

- this ever happened.
- Sustained.

Where are you going with this
counselor?

Your honor, we've recently
found surveillance footage

of the house staff discovering the alleged
fecal matter on Mr. Depp's bed.

- Word?
- Objection.

That still wouldn't prove my
client is guilty of anything.

That's true. But I'll allow it because it
does sound fun and this trial is for fun.

What?

Thank you, your honor.

Mr. Depp, can you tell us who
that is?

Well, that's my property
manager, Leonard Green.

I guess he's doing a routine
check around the house.

You know she cut that joker's
finger off, right?

If I'm lying I'm flying.

Hold on a second.

Damn, smell like boo boo in
here.

It's coming from this bed.

Ah, hell no!

That's a booboo!

And there you have it.
They found the dookie.

Objection. Your honor, this is pure
speculation.

Overruled.
I'd like to see more of this video?

- Why?
- Because it's funny. Please continue.

Sasha!
Damn, I hate this job.

- Why you yelling my name like you crazy?
- Look at this.

Ah, hell nah.
Why didn't you just go in the toilet?

- I didn't do this.
- Who did it, then?

I don't know.
Maybe the dog?

No, no, no, no.
That mess ain't come out of no dog.

That came out of a dehydrated adult.

- Maybe the wife did it.
- Why would she booboo in her own bed?

Well remember
she already cut that boy finger off.

And my daddy always told me,
if a girl cut your finger off

she'll boo boo in your bed.

- Why you taking a picture of it?
- Because it looks just like the emoji.

Man, what is wrong with white
people?

I don't know but you need it clean this up
before Mr. Johnny get back.

No, no, no. That ain't my job.
I am a landscaper.

Well, ain't that fertilizer?

- Sofia!
- Sofia!

Objection, your honor. How much of this
video do we have to watch?

We don't have to watch any of it.
But we want to. So hush.

- Now, who's this Sofia person?
- Oh, she's my... cleaning lady.

Mr. Depp, are you finding
this trial amusing?

- A little. Yes.
- So am I.

You're bad, captain Jack.

Hola, como estas?

- Ay, mi Dios!
- It's booboo, Sofia.

- Es exactamente como el emoji.
- See, I told you.

- Sofia, you got to clean that up, okay.
- No, no no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Man, ya'll seen somebody drew a dingaling
in the walls with blood?

I hate this damn job so much.
What's that smell?

So you really did it, man.
You finally quitting.

I didn't do this.
It was the wife.

- And you've got to clean it up, Jamal.
- Oh, hell no, I just do laundry.

- Yeah. And that's laundry, bro.
- Damn, I hate this job.

Okay. I think I've seen enough.
This trial has given me a lot to consider.

On one hand I believe Mr. Depp's
story, but on the other hand

your constant little smirk
lets me know that this is not

the first woman you've made so mad
that she pooped in your bed.

I guess I have been known to
be a...

full nightmare.

Right. Okay. Either way, I'm just so glad
this ain't me.

And... live from New York, it's
Saturday Night!

It's "Saturday Night Live."

Ladies and gentlemen,
Selena Gomez!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

I'm so excited to be here.

Growing up, I used to watch "SNL" every
Saturday with my mom. Hi, mom.

This is a big moment for me.

I actually started acting when I was 7,
and I've been lucky enough to work with

some Hollywood icons, from Steve Martin,
Martin Short, and of course Barney.

Yeah. That's me.
That was the first show I was on.

And now I'm on a show called
"Only Murders in the Building."

I was so honored to work with
Steve Martin and Martin Short,

especially after I Googled them
to find out who they were.

I remember telling my friends that I was
cast in a show "Only murders"

and she said sounds sexy. Any hot
co-stars? And I was like...

...depends.
Do you love the banjo?

All right. It's cool being around two
"SNL" legends.

And when I found out I was hosting I
immediately asked for their advice.

Steve said trust no one.

And Marty said 'I think Steve Martin has
been using my credit card'.

I also asked one of my oldest
friends, Miley Cyrus.

And she said just be yourself
and have fun.

And I was like, "Miley, is that just an
excuse for me to do an impression of you

on the show?" And she's like,
"Hell, yeah, I'm Miley Cyrus."

But one reason I'm really excited to host
"SNL" is because I'm single.

And I heard that "SNL" is a
great place to find romance.

Emma Stone met her husband here.
Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost.

And Pete and Machine Gun Kelly.

And since I don't really want to try the
dating apps

I just want to put it out in the universe
that I'm manifesting love

and I would like
to say that I'm looking for my soulmate.

But at this point I will take anyone.

- I'll do it.
- What?

Be with you, like you said,
I'll do it.

No. No.
No. No.

- But you just said you'd take anyone.
- Yeah, but I was just sort of joking.

I just don't really think that's
going to be our journey. I'm sorry.

- Aren't you married?
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

Okay. Well, I still believe that I can
find love and the right person.

I'll do it.

Oh, this is the new cast
member, Jeff.

It's James, but I'll change
it to Jeff if you want.

- Wait, aren't you married also?
- Right, right, right.

Excuse me.

Come on, man. You've got to read the
room. It's a no, Jeff. Bye.

- Thank you, Punkey.
- Of course, baby.

You know I'm so sorry these men
are here harassing you.

It's just unacceptable, boo.
You just out here trying to do your job.

Damn. But, uh...

But I'll do it.

Honestly it's kind of a vibe, but let's
see how the afterparty goes.

Look, before we start the show I just want
to say how grateful I am to be here.

And I'll admit I am a little nervous.

But I just think back to those words of
wisdom that one of my co-stars

would tell me before every show.

I love you, you love me, we're a
happy family. You know it.

With a great big hug and a
kiss from me to you

won't you say you love me
too

We've got a great show for you
tonight!

Post Malone is here.
Stick around we'll be back

Now, nothing has to change,
sweetie, and none of this is your fault.

But I don't want you guys to
get a divorce.

Don't worry, we still love
you very much.

And your dad loves a woman
named Julia.

We just think separating is what
is best for the family.

I think I just want to be
alone if that's okay.

Sure, honey.
We're here if you need us.

I guess this is growing up, huh?

I wish I could talk to you guys
about this.

I can't believe my dolls are my
only friends.

What's happening?

- Hey, tiny bitch.
- Sounds like you're in a crisis.

And we're your friends, so
we're here to help you.

Wait, what?
Who are you guys?

- Well, we're a global fashion sensation.
- Sexy dolls for pre-teens.

We are your Bratz dolls.

We are the girls with the passion for
fashion

Ba, Ba, Ba, Bratz,
Bratz

Bratz, you're like alive?

Stupid queen, we watch over
you every day, like God but slutty.

We come to life every time a
girl's parents get a divorce.

Yeah. And we're for girls who are too old
for Claire's but too young for Talbots.

I'm Jade. I have a flip phone, a dog salon
and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

I'm Gigi. I used to be an American girl
doll, until I found sex.

And me, I'm Dylan. I'm a boy brat.
I have a hard time making male friends

because we're competitive about sports
and girls.

Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like
my parents' divorce is all my fault.

Shut the hell up with that,
your mom sounds like a bitch.

But what's the deal with your dad?
He's interesting to us.

I don't love how you asked that.
I guess he's a research analyst.

That's weird. He seems like a DJ who loves
bottle service.

- No.
- Hot.

What does his new girlfriend look like?
Brunette? Blond?

Yeah. Or is she like a doll with giant
eyes and platform flip-flops?

- Or is she a boy like me?
- What?

I just don't get why my dad
doesn't love my mom anymore.

I'll tell you why.

He probably likes girls who wear
huge hats and have lips like this.

Okay, guys, I'm seriously
having a hard time here.

- Don't you have any real advice for me?
- Yes.

Always remember. Be true.
Be real. Be Bratz.

- Okay, I'll try that.
- Hey, no, we're not done yet.

Also, be authentic and be a
bitch to every waiter you see.

- All right, thank you.
- Stop interrupting us.

Never forget, be a boy and then come out
to your family as Bratz.

And when they disown you make
these girls your chosen family.

Ba, ba, ba chosen
Ba, ba, ba, family

Okay. I still feel kind of sad.
Can I have a hug?

- Uh, sorry, we're holding stuff.
- No, you're not.

- We might be later, though.
- Yeah.

Okay. Can you guys just shrink down
and go back to being dolls now?

- No.
- We're going to Miami with your dad.

Ba, ba, ba, Bratz
ba, ba, ba, bitch

Netflix viewers love "Old Enough," the hit
Japanese show

that follows toddlers as
they go on an errand all by themselves.

And now, we're remaking it here
but since Americans don't

send toddlers out into the world alone, we
had to find an equally helpless group,

and we did.

Here's a sneak peek of "Old Enough,
Long-term Boyfriends."

Matt and Kelsey
live in New York City.

They have been dating for three
years, and now he's 34,

Kelsey thinks Matt is ready to run an
errand all by himself.

Matt, I'm going to need you to go out and
get a couple things for me, okay.

- Are you going to come?
- No, no, no.

This is something you have to do
all by yourself, okay?

Matt's nervous but with Chelsea's help,
Matt is ready for his big errand!

Matt will have to walk four blocks to
Sephora,

which he thinks is called Sephoria,
like the HBO show, "Euphoria."

And buy a Smashbox brand
eyeliner pencil in night mist.

And he'll need to get two shallots
at the market. Here he goes.

He's only 34.

Wow, so brave.

Don't get distracted by Ana
de Armas, Matt.

And he made it to Sephora.

But once inside, Matt is overwhelmed.

He's never been here without
Kelsey before.

Oh, no Matt, don't cry.
Ask for help like a big boy.

- Hi.
- Do you know where the make-up is?

This is all make up in here, sweetie.
Do you know what you're looking for?

Remember, Matt, Kelsey wants
a Smashbox night mist eye pencil.

Smashmouth night wing?

It's okay.
It's okay.

Back at home, Kelsey hopes
Matt is okay by himself.

Matt is so great at doing things he likes
like draftkings or his adult Legos.

But getting something for me without me
being there is a lot for him to handle.

Especially at his age.
I might have a bottle or glass of wine.

It's 10:00 A.M. but it's fine.
You can cut that out, right?

At Sephora, Matt makes his
purchase. Hooray!

And after stopping to buy a bacon,
egg and cheese,

even though he ate lunch an hour ago,
Matt's on his way to the market.

But what's this?
Another boy on an errand?

- Hi. I'm 34.
- I'm 38 1/2.

Are you on an errand
for your girlfriend?

Yeah, I had to get dry cleaning and a
cream that costs $80.

- Are shal-lots onions?
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Keep going, Matt, you're
almost there.

He made it.

Kelsey wanted two shallots.
And he buys two five-pound bags of onions.

Kelsey awaits his return.
Hurry up, Matt. You're almost there.

Son of a bitch.

- And he's done it!
- Come here, big guy.

I am really proud of him. Last night, I
asked him to get an eyeliner pencil

and two shallots and he brought home ten
pounds of onions

and a blush palette for African American
women.

So we should just break up.
It's not this. It's everything.

We're basically roommates.
Watch.

- Baby, do you want to have sex right now?
- It's like, light outside.

Silly me.

Ay, welcome to A Peak at Pico,

Pico Rivera's number one public access
talk show. I'm Vanessa.

I'm Sofia. And on this show we talk about
everything happening in

- Pico Rivera, from the good...
- to the bad.

So like what did you get into
this weekend, chica?

I got a new eyeliner.

I was gonna say, I saw that,
it looks good.

Yeah, but then it poked me in my eye.

- That's sad.
- That's sad.

- Okay, we got to go talk to Chad.
- Yeah, Chad's outside right now.

- Bienvenidos, Chad.
- Hi.

Yeah, this is Chad Mitchell
reporting live from Pico park.

The birds are chirping,
the sun is shining,

families have been
coming to this park for generations.

That's good.

- Yes, but city officials...
- Bye, Chad!

Wait.

Okay. We're gonna bring out a guest.

She hangs out at the library with the
books. Bienvenidos, Becca!

Hi, thanks for having me.

And, um, I want
to clarify that I'm a librarian.

- I don't just hang out with books.
- Oh, that's good.

Yeah, 'cause when I heard
that I was like, that's sad.

Yeah, so Becca, what's up
with all these books?

Well, these are some summer
reading books we have at the library.

- Like what, though?
- Oh, well, this one is "The Giver."

Damn!
What's that about?

It's a book about a society
where no one can see colors.

- That's sad.
- Sad.

- Yes, it is, but then one day...
- They can see purple though, right?

- No, they can't see purple.
- That's sad. I love purple. Yeah.

Oh, do you guys have "The Cat in the Hat"?
That book is so funny.

Well, yes, we do have
"The Cat in the Hat".

- Oh, that's good.
- Well, you know, we also have...

- Bye, Becca!
- Okay.

- We're going to go to Chad.
- Yeah. Chad's outside right now.

Yeah. Actually, you kind of cut me off
earlier.

See, local news stories usually start with
a couple descriptive sentences

to set the scene before transitioning into
the actual news story.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- So city officials...
- Bye, Chad!

Seriously?

Okay, we have another guest now.
He makes music,

but he doesn't even sing.
He just raps.

Bienvenidos, Little Hubcap.

What's up, what's up, what's
up Pico Rivera?

- It's your boy Lil' Hub-Cap.
- Damn, look at you.

So you got an album out or
something?

Yeah, my music is inspired my
struggle.

See, my dad, he wasn't around
much, and when he was, he was mad.

- Your dad was a bad man.
- My dad was Batman?

No, not Batman.
Your dad was a bad man.

Yeah, you had a bad dad.
That's sad.

But then you turned your bad dad
into rap. That's good.

Yeah, I didn't catch all that.
So, I'm just gonna do my song now.

You can do it right here.

- I grew up with nothing
- That's sad

- But now I got it all
- That's good

- But I still feel like nothing
- That's sad

- But I'm standing tall
- That's good

Hubcap
Peace out, y'all.

That was sad, but it made me
feel good.

- Yeah. It's cathartic.
- Cathartic?

- Yeah.
- What's cathartic?

- That's when it's good to be sad.
- That's good.

Okay. We got to talk to Chad because
he's outside right now.

Hey, Chad, what's going on with
the park?

Really? You're actually going to let me
do the story?

Yeah.
We want to know.

Okay. Well, I'm here in Pico park where

the sun is shining and the birds are
chirping.

- Okay. We're out of time.
- Of course we are.

Bye, Chad.

Okay, our show's over now.
Sofia, you can go meet up with your man.

Okay.
Aye, I poked my eye again.

- That's sad.
- That's sad.

Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first
preview of "A Storm Within"

by acclaimed Irish playwright,
rory McFadden.

And as I'm sure you're aware,
there is a penis in the show.

Yes, we go there.

And it better not end up online.
If you post it, you will lose the penis.

Okay?
So just enjoy it and then let it go.

Also, everyone in the show has Covid.
So these are all understudies.

They've had 30 minutes of
rehearsal backstage.

We could have canceled tonight,
but I'm in a fight with my husband,

so I need to be out of the apartment.

Our fight may or may not be
about the penis in this show.

The penis is also being understudied so
I'm excited to see what that's like.

All right. Without further tattoo we now
present "A Storm Within."

- Oh, this is gonna be good.
- Is that what you took from that?

Line?

- Already? You don't know your first line?
- No.

- Well, it's "Hush now baby."
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hush now baby don't wake your mam.

She's sleeping off her drink in
the other room.

But nan's here to take care
of... line?

- Ya.
- And nan's here to take care of ya.

- Is it the penis now?
- No. It's in act two.

It needs an hour to prep.

- What are you doing with my baby?
- What is that accent?

Sorry, I tried Irish, it sounds weird so
I'm just doing Australian.

- You're not doing Australian.
- Oh, I think I am, mate.

Please stop.
Do you at least know your lines?

Yes.
I need... line?

- I need money for whiskey.
- Sorry, I don't have any money.

No, that's your line.
Just do the play.

You saw him again, didn't you?
You always act this way when you see him.

What's wrong, are you afraid
to say his name?

Of course I'm not afraid. But you say it
first just to remind me what it is.

You should since you brought it up.

Okay. Well, then let's just both say
it at the same time.

One, two, three.

- Four.
- Five.

I'm assuming from this back-and-forth that
you both forgot the name.

- It's Sheamus.
- Sheamus. Oh, yeah.

- Should we do the kiss now?
- Yes, I could not wait longer.

No, no, you are mother and daughter.
There is no kiss.

- Oh, my God. This is horrible.
- I know.

Think of how that baby is going
to grow up.

Why won't you give me the
money, cow?

- Wash your mouth.
- It's watch.

Oh, I'm sorry, wash your watch.

I don't care that you're my daughter.
I'd call the police.

I'd be careful.
You're treading a very thin line.

Line.

- Wha... Who's?
- What?

- What? The word line is your line.
- Oh, line.

No, not the both...
Just keep going.

Who is that?
Is that penis... Sheamus.

- Only one way to find out.
- No, no. That's where the dog's at!

Says here the dogs are
understudies too.

Okay, you know what?
I'm just going to play all of the parts.

You'll know who I'm doing because I'll be
doing all of the voices.

Mam, I didn't want you to do this, but
you've left me no choice.

- Is that a gun, girl?
- Yeah, mate, I got it from Sheamus.

I'm sorry, I know I'm early
but it's ready and it needs to be now.

But it's not supposed to be
until act two.

It has to be now!

Can you say the line at least?

Curse of the Irish, more like blessing,
what time is, dawn o'clock. Ayuga.

Okay. Those are actually the lines.
Just go ahead and show it.

- They really did go there.
- I told you.

We now return to
"American inventors."

The automobile, paper cup,
dancing, computer...

these were all invented.
But who did that, and what is their story?

We begin with Archie Gizmo, the brilliant
inventor of the whoopee cushion.

Well, back in the early 60s, I was just a
struggling gag inventor.

And all I had was an early
prototype of the cushion.

I knew it would be funny to have
your boss sit down,

and a noise come from his butt, but I just
couldn't figure out what noise.

No.
Damn it.

I couldn't crack it.
But then, I met her.

Miss Dina Beans.
I saw her from afar.

Her energy was magnetic.
Her eyes were endless.

And every time she sat down...
gas.

It was that night he realized,

the funniest noise to come out of a butt
was a fart.

Watch out, substitute
teachers. Don't sit down.

They're calling it the
"whoopee cushion."

And they're flying off the
shelves.

He had a bona fide hit, and
it didn't stop there.

Dina beans became his muse.

I fell in love with Dina, and she was
behind every good idea I ever had.

Because you see, she wasn't just
a chronic gas-passer.

She was also the viciously most
unlucky woman I had ever met.

Oh, yum.
Peanuts!

More snakes!

And what the hell could have been going on
at the peanut factory

for a sealed can to be full of four
multi-colored, alive, poisonous snakes?

Watch out peanut fans, maybe
it's time to switch to pecans.

Archie diligently recorded
home footage of Dina's every move.

Here, Dina is struck by lightning while
shaking someone's hand.

Hi, mister, nice to meet you!

Ooh, that was the hand
buzzer!

Very next day, hand to God, her eyeballs
popped out of her sockets.

- Oh, my eyes fell out.
- Boom. Googly-eyed slinky glasses.

That's better.

Lightning got the woman again, this time
while taking a piece of gum from a guy.

Tooty fruity, my favorite... aah!

Electric gum, the gum that bites back.

How this woman did not die between two
lightning strikes and a snake attack

is between her and God.
But Archie's hit pranks just kept coming.

Dina got struck by lightning
almost weekly... while clicking the pen.

Electric shocker... the pen
that gives an electric shock.

- Sitting down.
- Electric whoopee cushion.

She was God's perfect fool.

Archie became the most famous
gag inventor in the world.

And it was all thanks to Dina Beans.

We had everything. Money, a house in the
hills, late nights with celebrities.

The parties and illicit drugs were fun,
but none of that mattered to me,

because Dina was the prize,

and the greatest gag she ever goofed was
marrying a guy like me.

- I love you, Dina Beans.
- Oh, and I love you, Archie Gizmo.

Shake on it?

Ladies and gentlemen,
post Malone.

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good evening.
Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, if you feel like things
are a little off this week,

remember, yesterday was Friday
the 13th.

Tomorrow is a super blood moon.

And according to the most annoying person
you know, Mercury is in retrograde.

Is it me or does every story
this week sounds like the

opening voice-over in a "Mad Max" movie?
The year is 2022.

A virus rages across the planet.
Digital money has collapsed.

Infants have nothing to eat.
Women are forced to breed.

Men are ready to die for gasoline.

And we suffer under the leadership of the
one known only as Joe.

Cryptocurrency crashed this week, with
bitcoin losing nearly half its value,

and now it has to legally change its name
to bito'coin.

In fact, the entire crypto market has lost
over $1 trillion but don't worry,

you can make that money back fast as long
as you've been hoarding baby formula.

You know, this baby formula shortage is
scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive.

You can't just feed them anything .

I once tried to give my nephew something
different than his usual formula,

and he almost choked on that hot wing
bone.

The January 6th committee has subpoenaed
five sitting republican congressmen

after they refused to testify voluntarily.
Said the republican congressmen,

"You can't force us to do anything.
We're not pregnant."

Senator Mitch McConnell,
seen here watching a shelter dog

get passed up for adoption...

...led a congressional delegation
for a surprise visit to Ukraine today.

It's weird, because usually when
McConnell shows up by surprise,

it's behind you in the bathroom mirror.

Amazon announced that it will pay
employees who have to travel

to get an abortion up to $4,000 in
expenses every year.

The only catch is you've got to do
it during your eight-minute lunch break.

There is renewed speculation about
Vladimir Putin's health after

he was photographed at a military parade
with a heavy blanket across his lap.

But hear me out.

Maybe the blanket is because thinking
about war gets him hard as hell.

The Trump International Hotel in
Washington D.C.

has been sold for a reported $375 million.

Well, I wouldn't say reported,
said the IRS.

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot
which has long protested Vladimir Putin

revealed that she fled the country
disguised as a food delivery worker.

Which explains this notification
from Doordash.

Apple announced that after 20 years, it
will stop production of its iPod touch,

cause Apple products become obsolete once
they're older than the kids who make them.

"The New York Times" said it changed the
answer for Monday's wordle

which was fetus because it was too closely
connected to a major news story.

Tough news for psychos whose first wordle
guess is always fetus.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi" series on the way,
it's a great time to be a "Star Wars" fan.

Here to catch us up on all
things "Star Wars" is baby Yoda.

I love you, man.
Say whaaat?!

What's up baby Yoda, I love too.
How's life? You got a new vibe.

Life is good, Michael. Real good.

Season three of "Mando" coming up,
blah-blah-blah, work, work, work, ah.

But yeah, it is a very enlightening time
for me, cause actually

I'm spiritual now.

You studied the ways of the force,
right?

Okay, relax, nerd.
You know what an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, so I basically did that but with a
bunch of pills and weed.

Instead of a spiritual guide walking us
through it my boy Tom Holland

got on the aux cable and I saw God.
I was like, "Oh, snap."

God, it sounds like a grea timm.
Just make sure you stay safe, man.

No, don't tell me what to do.

But yeah, I'm feeling really peaceful
these days.

Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy
guacamole.

Even got a little community going,
very mindful individuals.

Yeah, it's me, Jared Leto, Santana
featuring Rob Thomas,

Bob the Builder, and
tila Tequila.

- Well, sounds like a good crew, dude.
- Yeah, it's a cult.

But look, I love everyone, man,
even my haters.

Really? Because you've had some strong
words for one hater

- in particular over the years.
- Yeah, that's true. But I'm older now.

And I just want to say, Baby Groot,
I know we had our issues.

But I mean this from the bottom of my
heart.

I really, really don't like you.

And next time I see you, I will
chop you down like Paul Bunyan,

sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you
while I'm in a hot tub with your girl.

That being said, I love you.
And I've always got your back.

- What?
- Come on, man, I'm just a baby.

Baby Yoda, everybody.

Well, guys, this is just in.
The winner of this year's Eurovision

song contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group
from Ukraine.

And this is cool.

If you combine every member of Kalush
Orchestra, you get Post Malone.

It was announced thata a new disco-themed
roller skating rink

will open this summer
in Central Park.

Another classic '70s trend returning to
the park this summer?

Stabbings.

The makers of Barbie introduced the first
ever Barbie with hearing aids.

It teaches an important lesson.

It doesn't matter if you're deaf,
as long as that body bangin.

Kevin Spacey will star in a historical
drama about Genghis Khan's grandson.

Said spacey, "You had me at grandson."

New York City officials say
they have received over

7,000 rat sightings here in New York.
So everybody look under your seat.

The Oklahoma City Zoo
announced that a 14-year-old

endangered chimpanzee named Naia
is pregnant.

Said the Zoo's janitor,
"She told me she was 18."

The wrong number was announced in this
week's $86 million mega millions

jackpot drawing, which is why I had to go
into Lorne's office and unquit.

Well, guys, we are nearing the end of the
season and here to tell us what she

learned and give us a tour backstage is
"Weekend Update's" field correspondent,

Sarah Sherman.

Hi, Colin. I'm going to kick off the
tour in our studio audience.

It's been a great show tonight

with lots of great Weekend Update jokes
from Michael Che specifically.

All right. I didn't love the
''specifically' there, Sarah.

But sure, go ahead.
Take us backstage.

God. So many legends have passed
through these hallowed halls.

Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of
crew guys who think I'm an ugly boy.

And oh my God, how cool. Here we have my
clothing rack.

This is where they keep my
size zero pants.

Yeah. Those actually look like
children's pants.

Children's pants.
Sort of your area of expertise, huh?

Let's not do this, okay, Sarah?

I'm actually just getting word right now
that you should be quiet.

All right.
Okay.

Well, let's just... can we please just
keep going with your backstage tour?

And what do we have here?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Colin
Jost's dressing room.

Or as our female interns like to
call it, "The Chamber of Secrets."

Okay.
Nobody calls it that.

- Sarah, please do not go in there.
- Too late!

Folks, the scene in here is abysmal.

On this mirror Colin has put up
all of his humiliating daily affirmations.

You are funny.
You are handsome.

You are the real king of Staten Island.

One just says "Reminder, dinner tonight
with Giuliani"?

- Sarah, I did not write those.
- Oh, my God, Colin.

What, are you obsessed with me?

Those are not mine. Those are not mine
either. You clearly put those in there.

Oh, really?
What's all this, then?

Oh, a thing that I threw?

That was a new thing I was gonna show...

Oh, my God.
And what do we have here, folks?

It's Colin's famous intern cage.

Looks like somebody messed up
a Starbucks order.

Hey, buddy, for next time, Colin likes his
coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee,

and just vodka.

Sarah, I told you, you must stop putting
interns in cages in my dressing room.

Oh, my God, Colin, are you collecting my
underwear?

I cannot believe you're the guy
I've been selling these to.

All right.
Someone, please just cut her feed off.

I'm actually just getting word right now
that we have breaking news

from the Update desk from my correspondent
and best friend Michael Che.

Thanks, Sarah.
This just in.

Local panty sniffer Colin Jost wants to
silence Sarah Sherman

in his ongoing quest
to take down Jewish women?

- Back to you, Colin.
- All right.

Field correspondent Sarah
Sherman, everyone.

- Love you, Colin.
- For "Weekend Update" I'm Colin Jost.

- And I'm Sarah.
- And I'm Michael Che.

- Good night!
- Good night.

Once upon a time, a prince journeyed to a
far away kingdom, and after

bravely slaying the local dragon won the
chance to choose a Princess for his bride.

Oh, prince Edmund, welcome to our big cold
castle in Europe.

'Tis an honor, Your Highness.

Good job killing our dragon.
No one asked you to, but thank you.

You may now meet our daughters three and
choose one to be your bride.

Yes. Surely one of them will be more
beautiful than the rest.

Or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

Bring out my daughters, please.

Fair maidens!
So cool to see.

Meet my first daughter, Lucillia.

'Tis an honor to stand before you,
fair prince.

Okay.
I love that.

My second daughter, Regalia.

I know not what to say, and yet I feel
not threatened, prince.

Good. Good.
Makes sense.

And my third daughter,
Blondelia.

Hello.

- Okay. Is that it?
- Nice to meet you.

Right.
Okay. Sure.

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah.

I guess I just thought there would be
something messed up about her

because there's three of them and the
third one is her.

- I take great offense!
- No, I'm sorry.

It's just usually like one's
pretty, one's smart,

and one has
something like really wrong with them.

But you've only just met.
Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

I, Lucillia, enjoy playing
jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

I love dancing.
And dancing around.

And me? I like harpsichord, and I guess
also dancing.

Okay. Is that why she's weird, 'cause
she copied her thing?

What are you on about?

I mean, it's gotta be Blondelia, but I
just can't figure out why!

I like painting as well, or archery?

I don't know, man, I don't what
you want me to say.

Oh, I know.
Tell him your favorite foods.

- Little cakes.
- Strawberries.

Muffins.

All right.
Is she like obsessed with muffins?

I feel like people like muffins.

Okay, now I'm kind of getting pissed off.

Prince Edmund, what would you
like to ask my daughters?

Okay. Do a little dance.
As normal as you can.

All right.
All regular hot dancing.

Does one of you have, like, a weird laugh
or something? What are your laughs?

Okay. Is it her?
Because that was awful.

Those were all bad.

Prince Edmund, you have to hurry.

You must make your choice before
the clock strikes midnight.

- Ooh, what happens at midnight?
- It's just so late.

I give up.
All right?

Maybe I'll just leave and go
kill a different dragon.

Oh, no. No, I'm sorry.
I've been so rude.

Just based on the princesses
I've met,

she should have like a big-ass toe or lay
eggs or something.

Father, he's right.

Sometimes one of the girls is
weird, on purpose.

She'll make a joke out of
herself before anyone can judge her.

Maybe it's because we have to
jump through crazy hoops

for princes like you, dragon dork.

Maybe it's a metaphor for being different,
or ugly, or stupid, or gay.

I don't know, I'm just guessing,
I'm very normal.

I see.
I'm sorry I was judgmental.

The truth is, I'm drawn to Blondelia,
though I fear there's a catch.

- Isn't that love, young man?
- I guess you're right.

All right.
I choose number three, Blondelia.

Huzzah, prince Edmund and Blondelia!
Blessings upon you.

I love you, Blondelia, and
you shall be my wife.

And I love you.
Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

There we go, good old number three.
Gets them every time.

I need a paper towel.

Ah, damn, we all out.

I'm going to go down to the
bodega and get some real quick.

- Right now?
- Yeah, it's downstairs.

I'll be right back.

- Psst, don't trust him.
- Who said that?

You did. I'm your intuition. He's not
getting paper towels girl, he's cheating.

No, he's not.

He usually wipes his hands on his pants
and now he needs bounty?

Okay, so where is he?

- He by that bitch house
- Wha?

- By that bitch house
- What's that mean.

By that bitch house

That mean your man is creeping
he by that bitch house

Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

You hack into his instagram account
to see if he telling the truth

- How?
- Like this.

First you check all of his messages,
comments and DMs before he delete them.

Once you read all that successfully, you
check his location respectfully.

- This is catch the his ass recipe.
- So what do you want from me?

- Break his Xbox.
- Okay.

- Whoa, is that my Xbox?
- I don't know.

I felt you were cheating or
something, I'm so sorry.

Baby, what?
Okay, you know what?

I'm going to go out and get my
Xbox out the damn street

and we're going to talk about this.

Need some damn paper towels.

You really think he's going
to get a broken Xbox?

- Go away.
- He by that bitch house

- He's not.
- By that bitch house

- I can see him.
- He by that bitch house

What the hell am I supposed to do?

We need to check all his pockets,

then look in his wallet to see if he got
numbers from hoes

Then I look up in the closet
find lipstick on collars

and spilled perfume on his clothes.
It smells normal.

- Then break his TV.
- Okay.

Come on, this cannot happen
every time I leave the damn house.

I'm sorry, it's just I've dated so many
basketball players and celebrities.

- I'm sorry, what now?
- You're not like them.

You're my little Johnny.

Okay, we're going to talk
about that nickname.

Okay. You know what? I'm going to cool
down and, meet me in the bedroom.

Okay.

I think she think you cheating

and if she do that means that
she the one who out there creeping

Wait what?

She probably getting dude nudes
Getting dude nudes for real

Getting dude nudes

And all their thingies are bigger than
yours

We gotta handle this carefully

Break in her phone and then
check her whole history

Here's how you unlock it quickly, first
stop it's birthday then social security

If that don't work then unlock it by
facing the phone to her face

while she sleeping

What are you talking about,
who would even be texting her?

I don't know.
LeBron James?

- What the hell?
- Who you texting this late?

- Is it LeBron?
- It's my mother.

I didn't know that, but now it's I'm too
mad and it's too late to be rational.

- So am I!
- All right.

Well, what in the hell we gonna do?

- Have angry sex
- Okay.

- Have angry sex
- Sounds good.

Have angry sex

Okay, seniors, give it up for your mascot,
Sal the Spooked Horse.

Now the guidance counselors wanted to
give some advice before graduation season.

So please welcome
Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar.

- Hi. Hi.
- Good morning.

What an honor to address the old dirty
bastard high school class of 2022.

We are so proud of you.

A lot of you are unsure what to
do after high school.

There are so many career paths.

It's hard to know what you'll
like or what you're good at.

- So our advice to everyone is model.
- Model.

- Get into modeling.
- Modeling.

Sorry, are you saying we should be models
after we graduate?

- Yes, exactly. Models.
- Our advice to students is model.

Because at this moment you're
the youngest you've ever been

- and maybe you just missed it.
- Maybe it would help

if an alum comes out and talks to you
about her experience modeling?

- Do you guys want that?
- Yeah, you do.

Please welcome spokesperson for modeling
from the class of 2017, Ninne Sync.

Thank you so much for having me.

When I was in high school, the one thing
I wish someone told me was, model.

- See?
- Model.

And now I am proud to say I am the first
person in my family to not go to college.

Congratulations.
Ninne, the time has come.

Let's show them how to do
80 poses in 5 seconds.

Hit the track.

- That was amazing.
- Any questions?

Hi. Yeah, I'm really good at math
and I really love math.

I've always wanted to be an accountant.
Do I have to be a model?

You don't have to, but let me
ask you this.

Do you want to live in Paris or
Syracuse?

Do you want to work at H&M
or H&R Block?

Do you want to do Leonardo diCaprio or do
taxes with someone named Leon de nothing?

- How tall are you?
- 5'6".

- Keep on working on that.
- Be taller.

- I like your look. How old are you?
- 17.

That's perfect.
Stay that age forever.

Show them 100 faces in 5
seconds. Go.

Wow, that was amazing.
That was modeling.

Wait, so are you guys models?
Do you have modeling experience?

Yes, on my flight here someone was choking

and people were asking if there was a
model on the plane. So I modeled.

And I was the last thing he saw.

That's amazing.
So what do you say, kids,

want to come with us and model
all over the world?

- I want to be a model!
- Me too!

Good, so let's start. Everyone do 10,000
poses in 1 million seconds.

Music!

Once again, post Malone.

Dude, your house is sick.

And you're sure your parents
are gone for the night?

Totally, it's their anniversary.

So they'll be fighting at a nice
restaurant for the next six hours.

That's so cool.

I can't believe they trust
you to be home alone.

- Well, someone had to watch the twins.
- Wait, the twins?

Yeah. My baby brother and baby sister.
Look, they're on the baby monitor.

They're so sweet.

I guess I didn't realize you
were babysitting.

Yeah, I thought we were going
to rage tonight.

No, we can still totally
party all night long.

On that note, who wants to drink
my dad's beer?

Me!

Uh-oh, I think one of the babies are up.

Don't worry.
She'll go back to sleep.

I think she actually just
woke up her brother.

- Damn. Their eyes are freaky.
- It looks like when you catch raccoons.

Guys, let's focus.
Let's get this party started.

Sounds like they're still
crying, though.

Shouldn't you go in there and
comfort them or something?

No, you're supposed to let
them self-soothe.

Okay, that doesn't seem
self-soothing.

They'll be asleep in two seconds.
I promise.

Yeah, I don't think so.
Now they're doing laps around the crib.

Oh, that's good.
That will tucker them out.

I'm not so sure.

Yeah, I don't know how to say this but it
looks like they're stunting buck wild.

Yeah. I gave them one M&M each
before bed

so they are loaded with
sugar right now.

Wait, are you allowed to give
babies chocolate?

Yeah, Meghan, they're not
dogs, they're babies.

- Guys, I thought you wanted to party.
- We did.

- But this is definitely more interesting.
- Yeah. It looks like they're fighting.

They're just roughhousing.
It's what siblings do.

Wait, actually, I have a baby brother and
sister and I have never seen them do that.

Oh, my god! Do something before
her head flies off.

Ugh, fine. I'll just go give them a piece
of bread or something.

Are babies supposed to eat
full pieces of bread?

I don't think so.
But the babies definitely seem to like it.

All right. Now who wants to focus on
getting wasted?

Honestly, I don't want to get
drunk anymore.

I just want to sit here and
watch these babies go hard.

Wait, what the hell?

Hey, ma, you got any milk?
This bread is mad dry.

Who is that?

I don't know. Sometimes he's there and
sometimes he's not.

- That's not concerning to you?
- No.

Now, who wants to chug hand sanitizer and
try on my dad's underwear?

- None of us!
- Gina, why are you acting so crazy?

Gina, why are you trying to
party so hard? These babies need you.

Look. This might come as a complete shock
to you but I'm not a huge party girl.

- I've never even had a sip of alcohol.
- Yeah, obviously.

Wait, wait, wait, what are
they looking at?

Is that a baby monitor?

Oh, my God.

They're watching us?

Thanks to Post Malone, Roddy Ricch,
Fleet Foxes, and Steve Martin.