All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E18.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

And now...
A message from the Easter Bunny.

Hello everyone.

It's really me,
the Easter bunny.

Either that or you're at Coachella

and the 'shrooms are kicking in.

How is everyone tonight?

Well, it is Easter, aka warm Halloween.

And I may not be the most A-list
holiday character,

but I am the freakiest.

Man-sized bunny with no backstory.
Who is he ?

Unlike Santa I don't use enslaved elfs
to make my Easter baskets,

I get them on etsy because I support
women and their little hobbies.

Now remember the smear spirit of
Easter is not about candy or eggs

or even bunnies. It is about renewal
and rebirth.

That's why I've invited folks
from all walks of life

to share their hopes for
this Easter season.

Take it away, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

It's me, your boy,
Fauci, I know, I know.

I'm still here.
Turns out I'm like litter.

No matter how hard you try to
get rid of me, I'm still here.

Trust me, I'm not here to give you
any more Covid guidance.

I'm not stupid enough to think
you're actually going to follow it.

All I can say is Covid cases are
a lot like Jesus, they've risen again.

Don't worry, if you're vaccinated,
you're going to be fine.

But if you're not vaccinated,
I'm not supposed to say this,

but I honestly don't care
what happens to you.

Happy Easter, everybody.

Hi. I'm Marjorie Taylor Greene.

And as I've been saying aggressively

to all my Jewish and Muslim
colleagues, happy Easter.

This rifle is chocolate,
but the bullets are real.

Now, I'm worried about Easter.

Between the pastels and the
jelly beans,

this holiday's gotten a little too
LGBQRSA for me.

And there is nothing gay about Easter,

a day when a bunch of
male priests worship a guy

with great abs and talk about
wanting to eat his body.

That's straight stuff.

So happy Easter and Gold bless
Russia. I mean America.

Or both, right?

It's me, Mayor Eric Adams.

Don't adjust your television set,
I am this handsome.

Spring has sprung, New York!

And I'm almost sprung too looking
at all these shorties in sundresses.

Nah, I'm just playin.
Unless you like that...

But for real, this Easter, I got
the best news of all, New York:

We got him. We got the shooter.

Sure, it took 30 hours and the
suspect had to turn himself in,

but we got him.

Case: Closed.

Subways: Fixed.

Ride: Without fear.

I'm not just holding a press
conference about it either,

I'm throwin' a parade!

Like we do when the Yankees
win the World Series,

or when the Mets finish a season.

In conclusion... Shooter: Caught.

Swagger: Restored.

Violent Crime:
Highest in decades.

Bitch, you know Eric Adams
runnin' this town!

Hello. So, I am Elon Musk.

I am here to officially buy Easter.

I'm offering 43 billion peeps.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That was a joke.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do you get it?

That's why afterwards, I say,
that was a joke,

so you know it was a joke.

Look, I know people don't want
me to buy Twitter, but why?

You're worried I'll make Twitter bad?

What are you scared I'll buy next?
The Oscars?

Ha, ha, ha.

That was a joke.

Hey, y'all, it's me, Britney.

And I bet you didn't
think I could do this.

Remember six months ago when
everyone was like,

we need to get her out of
this conservatorship.

And now you're all like,

someone's going to
check in on her, right?

Well, don't worry.

I'm finally free, and I'm having a baby.

I just pray that my baby is born happy,
healthy, and with power of attorney.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Hey. It's me, Jesus Christ.

Just kidding. I'm Jared Leto.

It's what I wore to Kids Choice Awards.

You know, my Easter
message this year is simple.

Positivity.

So, if you go to see my new movie,
"Morbius," please don't review it.

If you're the kind of person who
reviews movies,

"Morbius" just isn't right for you.

I'll see you on the big screen.

And the two little screens behind
your eyelids when you go to sleep.

I love you.

So many fascinating viewpoints.

I guess it's true what they say,

spring is a beautiful reminder
of what change can bring.

Excuse me. I was told we were
doing Easter wishes.

and I was not given my turn.
This is very, very unfair.

Another example of how whites

are being horribly
mistreated in this country.

All right. Fine. Go ahead.

Easter is a time for baskets
and bunnies and frankly bonnets.

And let's not forget egg.

You have Easter egg, Cadbury egg,
and my favorite, which is Reeses egg.

The Reeses egg doesn't look like
egg, but I like Reese.

I'm very good friends with Reese.
Our wives are very good friends.

Do you know what Reese says?
He says, not sorry.

Reese says in a very
deep voice, not sorry.

And that's good.
We don't like food to apologize, do we?

Like that awful Captain Crunch.

He was very rude to me at Count
Chocula's 500th birthday.

But he was doing oops all berries.

You're hearing it all the time.
Like it's a bad thing.

Why say oops? Okay.
We like crunch berries.

Berries so beautiful.

I've heard we have
some of the best berries.

- Right Mr. Bunny?
- What the hell are you talking about?

Some people are saying
I'm not healthy, okay?

I'm very good with health.
I do wonderful with health.

Healthy like a horse, like Sea Biscuit.

I see biscuit, I eat biscuit.

Frankly we're doing great things
with biscuit and bun and bread.

We're doing crazy bread.
Little Caesars, you know?

I've known Little Caesar
for a very long time.

I actually told them, this is true,
i told them to say "Pizza, pizza."

They used to say it once,
I told them to say it twice.

Okay. I'm actually just
going to walk away.

You win. You can have Easter.

And you know what?
I would love to be bunny.

I would be so good with bunny

because I told America Covid
would be over by Easter.

I just didn't say which one.

So, say it everyone,
happy Easter and...

live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

It's Saturday Night Live !

With Amy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate McKinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodim.

Chris Redd.

Cecily Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villasenor.

Bowen Yang.

Featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Host and musical guest Lizzo!

Ladies and gentlemen, Lizzo!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

My name is Lizzo, and, yes, i'm
shocked I have clothes on too.

I'm really excited. Tonight we're going
to break the record

for the amount of time bitch is said
on live TV!

Bitch, bitch, bitch.
That's three more.

I hate cussing in front of my mom.
Hey mama.

I haven't seen her in years.

The first time my mom came to
see me perform,

I had to warn her, mom,
when I'm on stage,

i'm gone say some bad words.

At the time, she didn't like
that, but now i'm rich

so she's like, "bitch, cuss me out."

But really, the Lizzo you see on
stage is different from the real me.

I got a serious side as well.

Like, last year, I had the honor
of giving a Ted talk.

It was very serious stuff.
It was about twerking. Google it.

It was actually about the
history of twerking

and how it comes from west African
dances like Mapouka.

Yeah, I'm deeper
than you thought, right?

I've got brains and booty.

I'm like if Einstein could make
that ass clap.

But while I'm here, I do want to
address some rumors.

I've read a lot agossip online

that i'm dating
every little white boy in Hollywood.

They think I'm collecting members
of One Direction like infinity stones.

And I even heard a rumor that
I'm pregnant with Chris Evans' baby.

I have no idea where
that one started.

It could be the TikTok where I said,
I am pregnant with Chris Evans' baby.

It's called manifesting, okay?

But I am honored to
be up here on this stage.

When I got the call to host
"SNL," I was pretty nervous.

I know it's shocking

because I'm the one who
said, "I just took a DNA test,

turns out I'm 100% that bitch."

Number one.

Well, to be completely honest,
I'm really like 50% that bitch,

10% boss bitch, and 40% flute
playing, band nerd bitch.

But I'm thrilled to be hosting
this particular episode,

especially because I do love
Tonight's musical guest.

Me!

No, for real, I do love myself.

Everybody should love themselves.

You know, at every show, I tell
my audience the same thing,

and I'll tell y'all too.
I love you.

You are beautiful.
And you can do anything.

I'm living proof of that.
I used to live in my car.

Now I'm up here hosting
"Saturday Night Live."

We've got a great show
for you tonight. I'm here !

So stick around. We will be right back.

It's time for "Guess that!"

Welcome to "Guess that!"

I'm your host, Clint Llitters.

And we have three wonderful
contestants playing,

Tracy, Nicole, and Kenny.

Now, we all know
how the game goes.

I'll ask you guys a series of
rapid fire trivia questions,

and if you get them right,
I'll give you some money.

- Sound good?
- Let's play.

Sounds great, Clint.

All right, let's start.

First question: this amino acid found
in turkey is known to make you sleepy.

- That would be tryptophan, Clint.
- Correct.

$100 on the board for Tracy.
Next question.

This surgery uses laser
technology to restore vision.

I've actually had
this, it's lasik surgery.

Yes. That's $100 for you, Kenny.
Okay.

This New York City airport

was named after the 35th president
of the United States.

Robert Kennedy airport.

Oh, sorry, that's actually incorrect.

No, it's not! I was just there.

That's still wrong, Nicole.

How you gone tell me?
I was just stuck in that airport

for five hours 'cause I pet a
bomb-sniffing dog

and they said i ruined him.

That's very confusing to hear.

Kenny?

- Is it John F. Kennedy airport?
- That is correct.

- I just said that.
- No, you said "Robert Kennedy."

Okay, but you knew what I meant.

It's okay, Nicole.
We have a lot more questions.

- So, that's $100 for you, Kenny.
- And what do I get?

You don't... you don't get anything.

I gave him half the answer,
so I should get half the money.

Well, that's not how the game works.

Okay, so they give you a
little suit and some blue cards

and now you're the
Mayor of Game Town?

I don't know what that means,
but you're slowing up the game.

All right. Next question.

In 1492, this explorer... Nicole,
you have an answer already?

- I don't wanna play no more.
- What do you mean?

You said I can't win, so I
don't wanna play no more.

- I never said you can't win.
- Don't gaslight me.

- Who's gaslighting?
- Y'all see this, right?

If he want me to lose so bad,
why don't you just let me quit?

Fine. Quit. I don't care.

- Okay. Give me my money first.
- What money?

You have a score of zero.

Well they say I get
$500 just for playing.

Yeah, that's if you finish the game.

Okay, so you're forcing me to play,
even though you said I can't win.

This man is a classic
gaslighting narcissist, y'all.

Can I just finish asking
the questions, Nicole?

Go ahead, but that hotel you
put us in is nasty.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

In 1492, this explorer set sail
to discover the New World.

- Christopher Columbus.
- Yes. That is correct.

$100 for you, Kenny.

- Nicole?
- Christopher Columbus.

- Yeah, he already said that.
- Okay.

But when he repeated my answear
you gave him $100.

You guessed the wrong answer, Nicole.

No, you hate women.

Yo, can I... can I just give
her 50 of my dollars?

- Yes.
- No. That is not how the game works.

And stop using the buzzer every
time you want to say something.

Who died and made you
the Mayor of Game Town?

Girl, he think he the Mayor
of Game Town

just because he got a little suit
and a gun.

I don't have a gun.
And I'm not the Mayor of anything.

What, Nicole?

Well if you don't wanna be Mayor
no more, can I be Mayor?

No!

Okay. So, a woman can't be
a Mayor of Game Town?

There is no Game Town.

How you gone be the Mayor of Game
Town, you don't even believe, bro?

'Cause he 's not.
Now I'm the new Mayor.

And the first thing I'm doing is
putting us in a better hotel

with an Espresso machine.

And fluffy towels.

Look. Y'all gone burn up the
batteries on them buzzers.

Now, have any of y'all
ever been on a game show?

I was on "People's Court."

That's not a game show.

Then how come I
won so much money?

- I don't know.
- Wrong.

The answer is I stole my room mate's
waffle iron and I burnt my hand.

- Now you owe us $100.
- What?

Who is up there in the booth?

And as the new Mayor, I say we split
the $100 3 ways, 50, 50, 50!

- Yes, girl!
- Fine, be the Mayor. I quit.

I'm going back to my
suite at the La Quinta.

Hey y'all, I'm the new Mayor
of Game Town.

The craziest stuff is happening to me!

- Are you studying? Big test tomorrow.
- Yes, I'm studying.

- Promise.
-Yes, Mom.

- What is that?
- Whoo...

P.O.V. You woke up at Tony's.

Hey, morning beautiful.
Sleep okay?

Got breakfast for you.
Coffee, fresh fruit.

Name's Tony, by the way.

Okay. This is day 342 of me
walking on all fours.

Making major gains.
Testosterone is off the charts.

Yo, just hooked up
my boy with a fresh cut.

- How you feel, man?
- I love... I love it.

Hey, grandma.
You ever miss grandpa?

I miss him every day.
Oh, God! Why?

Wrong flavor...

Seriously? You're 27.

LSATs are tomorrow by the way.

- Actually, just cuss a little.
- For real?

What're your
favorite curse words?

Probably my...

Okay, what is that?
A hairless dog?

Oh, it's a man.

Are you married?

Yes.

Are you a virgin?

Yes.

Hey y'all, gabby64, I love to
dance and have fun.

I want to ask y'all if you like
me better with, or without glasses.

Here's with.

Here's without.

And once more with.

Y'all keep messing these two up.

Look here.
These are not the same.

You're pissing me off.
I will end your life.

Okay.

So, here is an explainer
on the war in Ukraine. So...

That time T.I.
tried standup comedy.

- What?
- God is good, y'all.

What's up, gang. Critical race theory,
what is it and why am I mad about it?

Let's talk.

No!

Jesus!

Oh, God! I'm gonna kill you!

Okay, eggs.

Name's Tony, by the way.

You know what?
Tony can get it.

When your friends say you look
exactly like Kathy from "Euphoria."

What are your
favorite curse words?

Probably...

I can hear you on TikTok. Don't make
me send your father up there.

Mom, I'm studying. Look!

Bud, what are you doing in here?

You were supposed to be studying
for the LSATs.

Dad, stand up!

On a single day in 2008,

3 of the biggest pop songs of
all time

were recorded
at Interscope Studios.

And the never-before-seen
footage from the session

is finally being released.

The label is so
excited about the record.

We can't wait to work on this
new single with y'all.

Yeah, we know it's a work in progress,
but let's hear what you got so far.

Okay. Hit the track.

Gotta get that,
Gotta get that

Gotta that, that, that.

Boom, boom, boom.
Gotta get that.

Yeah, that's all we got so far.

William, that's a really good start.

It's Will.I.Am.
And I know.

I love... I love
how it's sounding.

But I think we might have to
change the lyrics a little?

What you mean? The lyrics are...
Boom, boom, boom.

Why would we change that?

Producers are like leeches,
and art is blood to them.

Well, those were actually the
temp lyrics

that we sent to describe
the beat of the track.

Yeah, you were supposed to
replace them with your own lyrics.

- You know, like, with words?
- Producers are like leeches.

No one understands our vision.

Boom, boom, boom. It's perfect.

How about something like...

I got that boom boom pow.

Okay. What's your name again?

Apl.de.ap.

Of course.
And how do you spell that?

A-p-l... Apl.de.ap.

Okay. Uh, so, we definitely
have "boom, boom, boom."

But let's expand. Like, what's
something we have to get?

Like, for example,
money or hot girls?

You gotta get that...

"You gotta get that" what, though?

You gotta get that, that, that.

- You're suffocating me!
- Taboo, relax.

Let's think. Where would this
song be playing?

Maybe a night club,
or a pull side bar.

Ooh, okay.
I'm going to riff on that ideas.

How about something like...

People in the place.

Okay, Fergie, that's a great start.

But where would they actually be?

The place!

Okay. And... and who would be there?

The people.

But where is it they
would be going?

To the place.

And where are they now?

In a place.

But who are you talking about?

The people in the place.

Let's move on.

That was amazing,
Fergie, you are a genious.

Fergie, why don't we talk about
your verse?

I was thinking it would
be cool if it was like...

I got that boom boom pow
Them chickens jacking my style

They try to copy my swagger
I'm on that next is now

I'm so 2008 you so 2000 and late.

That's amazing.
But I want it to be "3008."

Okay. Why?

'Cause it's bigger.

Fine. Do you have any other notes?

- My humps!
- Okay! Thank you, Fergie.

Yeah, well, let's
just do the next track.

Here's what it sounds like so far.

Yeah, so, we want the lyrics to
be about the concept of "Tonight."

Let's start by brainstorming
answers to the question,

"How is tonight gonna be?"

I'm thinking... I'm thinking
something like...

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

That's amazing Will.I.Am.
What else?

Yes. Now everyone yell
a refrain together.

Something that feels true
to who you are as a group.

Great idea.

- Mazel tov!
- Yes!

Now I'm gonna go down the line.

Everyone just say one example of
something you're gonna do tonight.

Are you ready?

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

- And do it.
- And do it.

- And do it.
- And do it.

Oh, my God, this is gonna be a hit.
Maybe even your biggest.

Yeah. Either this one or that other one.
What's it going to be called again?

The working title is "Let's get..."
something.

Any ideas for what it could be?

"Let's get" what?

It has to be something
that we can say forever.

- We can figure that out later.
- Okay, cool.

We have a huge hit on our hands. Let's
lay it down right now. Hit the track.

I had an amazing time at dinner.

Me too. I'm so full of cheese.
I feel like I'm a little ravioli.

You already said that in the car.

You know, I usually don't bring
guys home after a first date,

but something about
this just feels right.

Yeah. I feel the same way.

Oh, by the way, I should
mention, I live here with my grandpa.

Sorry, I should have
said something earlier.

- If you want to go...
- No, no.

I mean, why would I leave? I think
that's really sweet. Just like you.

- Is that my gorgeous girl?
- Oh, hi grandpa.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
we had company.

Well, pretend like I'm not even here.

What?

That is your grandpa?

Don't mind me, just gettin' my hot tea!
Nice to meet you young man.

- Yeah, nice to meet you too, Mr...
- Six. Mr. Six.

Now I'll leave you kids to it.
He's handsome.

Now, where were we?

I'm sorry.

Can we pause.

Your grandpa kind of threw me.

I'd rather not make
it a thing, but yeah.

My grandpa's white.

No. I was referring more to the fact

that he's the guy from
the Six Flags commercials.

I knew this would happen.

People always treat me differently
when they find out I come from money.

I got my boiling hot tea.

Well, off to bed.

Now, should we get back to business?

Yeah. I mean, should we?
Here?

I mean, we could go to my place
if you're worried about us making noise.

Trust me, honey,

you're not going to be able to make
me make any noise.

I just feel...

What did you just say?

- Oh, great, grandma's still up.
- Wait, your grandma?

Hey, wait, wait.

So, they're both the Six Flags guy?

No, no. My grandpa's the Six Flag guy.

She's just a six flags guy.

- Hello. Who's the lucky fellow?
- Just a friend, grandma.

Now, what are you up to?
Doing some laundry?

Yes, just finishing
up a load of bow ties.

I got more boiling hot tea.

Off to bed.

Oh, my sweet grandparents.

Can you believe they're
almost 140 years old?

What?

Now, are we going to plow or not?

You still want to?

You're still feeling it right now?

Oh, trust me, baby, with you,
I'm not going to feel a thing.

What?

Shoot! I forgot.

Thursdays my grandparents have
poker night with some of their friends.

But don't worry, it's not what
you think.

Yeah, I feel like it is going
to be what I think.

Come on in, guys.

- Danielle! Nice to see you.
- Are Lorraine and Steven here?

There's like a community of them?

Barney! Chester! Albert!
Ready to lose some money?

I feel like I should leave.

You want to leave? Why?

Because my grandparents and
their whole friend group

are Six Flags guys?

Or because we all drove here in
five separate Six Flags Vespas?

Or because you know you'll
never be satisfied

by that dinky little twig in his pants?

Why is everyone assuming that?

If you want to be with me,
you have to accept my culture.

And in my culture,
well, we like to party.

We like... we like to party.

Now, let's dance.

Lizzo, you're going to kill
at hosting this week.

I know, like, hosting?
I think I can handle that.

I'd say so.

It's just like, the whole
musical guest thing

that i'm stressed out about.
I mean, two new songs?

I don't have those. I'm not joking.

-What... what's going on?
-I got writer's block.

- What?
- Can you write me a new song?

No.

I'm gonna need you
to write me a new song.

- We can't.
- New song now, bitch.

- Not gonna happen.
- Go.

Girl you always leave me on red

Brother you leave me all blue

Little baby girl you look like my dad.

- What the hell?
- Come on.

We're... we're not song writers.

- You sound hurt.
- Maybe it's more real.

Maybe it's like...

I just got a haircut

I feel like you can see too much
of my face.

Too much of his face.

Are you feeling vulnerable?

No, I write songs
about feeling confident.

I need y'all to write a black woman
anthem.

Are we the guys to do that?

We can maybe write
a white man anthem?

Oh, yeah, like an anthem
for white men.

- Oh, that's... actually...
- Let's not do that.

Lizzo, gonna need you downstairs
in ten to rehearse those new songs.

- Can't wait to hear 'em.
- You know I got those bangers.

All right!

We got ten minutes, I need a song.

- You! Sexy daddy, come on.
- Sexy?

Song, now.

I got my blue jeans on and a bottle
of Jack.

Okay. Let's try call on...

- I woke up feeling...
- Anxious.

Please let us pitch you our sketch!

Hey, we're almost ready for you.

And by the way, if those new
songs aren't good, I'm gonna kill you.

- He can do that?
- He's done it before.

Songs, now, go!

I woke up this morning...

- That's the "Sopranos" theme song.
- Damn it.

Why are men great till...

I already wrote that one.

My girlfriend dressed like Spongebob.

Jesus! Lizzo.

- It was that bad?
- You have a girlfriend?

- Do you have a crush on Martin?
- What is going on with you two?

This isn't working.

We're trying so hard
to make a song for you.

But we can't.

Guess I gotta go get
killed by Andrew Dismukes.

I'm so sorry, Lizzo.

But before I go,

pitch me another amazing
sketch idea you guys got.

Well, it's going to
sound stupid now, but...

it's called "Horny Zookeeper."

It's about a zookeeper
who's a little horny.

I don't know. It's dumb.

- No, I like this.
- Wait, what do you mean?

Yeah, this is a great song.

It's a sketch.

The bedroom is my petting zoo.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, it's happening.

Said the bedroom is my petting zoo

Little mama, I got tiger claws
and you're my llama llama

Gonna set you on my lap like a duck
That's the plan

Then I make you eat
a quarter with the seeds

Out the palm of my hand 'cause I'm
a horny zookeeper

You know that I'm a horny horny
horny zookeeper.

Oh, my gosh.

I don't think you
should do that on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, me.

Y'all know what time it is.

It's the "Weekend update"
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "Weekend update."

- I'm Michael Che.
- I'm Colin Jost.

A new poll shows that president
Biden's approval rating

has fallen to an
all-time low of 33%.

For perspective, that's less
than half the approval rating

of "Sonic the hedgehog 2."

Sonic 2, features the characters
Tails and Knuckles,

which are also the names of two gang
members

Joe Biden claimed
he fought in the 1960s.

A video has also gone viral of
president Biden

finishing a speech in North Carolina

and apparently turning to shake
hands with an invisible person.

Hey, her name is Kamala.

When is the last time you saw her?

President Biden seen here

trying to remember where he left
his mask,

announced new federal regulations
for ghost guns.

I mean, I don't like the idea of
people having ghost guns either,

but "if there's something strange in your
neighborhood, who you gonna call?"

Elon Musk offered to buy
Twitter for over $40 billion

so he can loosen its
free speech rules.

That's how bad white
guys want to use the n-word.

Honestly, I don't understad why
Elon even wants to own Twitter.

I know it used to seem important
and even fun.

Now you look at it and it's confusing
and depressing.

It's the Giuliani of apps.

Come on, Elon built
electric cars and is going to Mars.

Why is he even involving
himself with Twitter.

It's like if the prince of England
gave it all up

to marry an actor from "Suits."

Plus Twitter isn't even
that profitable anymore.

It just feels like a
bad business decision.

And I say that as someone who
bought a Staten Island ferry with Pete.

The inflation rate in the U.S.
reached 8.5% in March.

To cover the higher prices,

millions of families have been forced

to take out a second
OnlyFans account.

The manhunt for the New York
City subway shooter

ended with the suspect called the police
tip line

to say he was
in East Village McDonald's,

where, judging by this photo, he was
auditioning for the roll of Grimace.

- Michael...
- Come on.

Jet Blue has made an offer
to buy Spirit Airlines.

Said Spirit "It's 500 for the night.
No kissing."

Scientists say new technology
can predict

when someone will suffer
a potentially fatal heart attack.

The technology it's called Peloton.

Mental health experts are now
recommending

children start being screened for anxiety
when they are 8 years old

because it can be pretty stressful
at the ol iPhone factory.

Two Barbie dolls were launched into
space for the first time ever

aboard the international
space station.

"Finally they're gone",
said two Ken dolls.

A Brazilian man... here we go. Sorry.

A Brazilian man had to undergo
emergency surgery

after he got four-pound dumb
bell stuck in his in anus.

He shoved it back
up there and said "Two."

Anyway. That's why you always
wipe down the equipment.

A New Jersey man was
arrested

after he ran over a woman multiple
times in a road rage incident,

said the woman, "Sorry, sorry."

Google Earth has released

a new feature that allows people
to see a time lapse

of how their neighborhood has
changed in the last 40 years.

"Don't remind me",
said my grandpa.

A police officer in San Francisco
pulling over a driverless car

and pulling away after the officer saw
no one was behind the wheel.

Still amazing, he still managed
to shoot an unarmed black guy.

Krispy Kreme is running a promotion

offering a dozen doughnuts for $4.11,
the average price of a gallon of gas.

But that's counterproductive because
now your car

is going to have to work harder to drag
your fat as around.

You know, a lot of people ask
me if they can be on "Update"

and do some comedy and
I've always said no.

We're a serious news program and
last week I got drunk enough to say yes

while being driven home from
the after party.

Here to make his network debut,
my driver, Caesar Perez.

Hey. Mr. Jost!

85 winboard Avenue
East Hampton, right?

You didn't have to
say my home address.

So, Cesar, you wanted to try stand up?

I have to, Colin. I've got
the "Mind of Mencia", man.

-I hope this crowd can handle it!
- We'll see. Take it away.

Hey, "Weekend update",
how are are you?

Anyone here got a family?
Me too.

Man, I got a crazy familia.
Like my crazy nephew, Carlitos.

Kid's obsessed with lizzards.
He has nine of them!

Now he wants another one?

Hey, Carlitos, how about instead
of 10 lizards, you get one girlfriend.

All right. Yeah, that's
pretty good Cesar.

I don't know, man.
I think that was kind of mean.

- Can we edit that out?
- Sorry, we're famously live.

What kind of man says something like
that about his nephew?

I got to apologize, Colin.

Carlitos, I'm so proud of you.

You get a girlfriend
whenever you're ready.

Or a boyfriend, or a lizard.
Whatever makes you happy.

You're going to be
a great dad one day.

I love you so much.

That's really sweet but
I don't think we need worry.

- Just trust your material.
- You're right, Colin.

I just won't do nephew jokes.
So anyone here got a sister?

I got a crazy sister. Look at her.
She got purple hair.

What are you trying to do?
Land a day with an Oompa Loompa ?

That's the worst mistake she made
since she gave birth to Carlitos.

- Cesar !
- I know, I did it again.

And it's almost Easter.

Jesus is going to wake up in his
cave and be so disappointed in me.

Carlitos, I'm so proud of you.

Your family doesn't care that
you smell your headger,

or that you named your lizards
after the cast of "Selling Sunset".

We love you, Mijo.
Please forgive me.

All right. Well, maybe jokes aren't
your thing or apologies.

You are right. I should stick
to impressions,

like the one of my Abuelita.

She's crazy old.

She's like "My skin is so wrinkled! Why
does Carlito keep taking my lotion?"

Cesar, come on..

Easy, Cesar.

I know, this "Mind of Mencia",
It's tearing my family apart.

Carlitos, listen. Don't be embarrassed
about the lotion.

You were only stealing it
to moisturize your lizards.

It's gonna be okay.

You can be a gross nerd your
whole life is and still be successful.

Just look at Colin Jost.

- My driver, Cesar everybody.
- No tip?

No. For "Weekend update".
I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hi, everybody. Thank you for being here.

Hi. I'm Tarnuria.

And I'm Ezra-heem-a-heim-icus.

And we're in charge of Mazrathin
the God-King's weekly debauched party

here in the Throne Room.

Why don't we start by giving
ourselves a round of applause?

Yeah, this party, orgy,
whatever you want to call it,

is a big part of Mazrathin's image
as the depraved, insane God-King.

So, obviously we want everyone
to make sure they know their part.

- Now, is our snake guy here?
- Yes, that's me.

Love the snake. And what will you
be doing during the party?

Well I was told to cruise the room and
menace people with the snake

by sort of sticking it in their faces.
Kind of just like...

You know? That kind of thing.

I love that. Very threatening
and sexual, which is the vibe.

Now, do I have any Sensuous
Woman and her Tender Boy?

- I believe that's me.
- And moi.

One question. When it comes
to my little Tender Boy,

should I tease him with sweet temptings
like so?

Or maybe, I can punish him
for being insolent

by smacking him on his virgin behind.

- And can we see that?
- Bring that ass!

- Something like that?
- Honestly, I love both.

Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm the guy who spits fire
balls at people entering the room.

So, I'll be by the door, and
when someone comes in,

it'll just be like, "Welcome
to the den of earthly delight!"

And I can dial that up or
down, whatever you need.

It's feeling good to me right there.
And I love the no eyebrows.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
Yeah, they burned off.

Is our old woman caked in makeup
with rotten teeth who laughs here?

Present. Yeah, I'll show you what I was
thinking for the laugh.

Just let me find it.

- Like that?
- Exactly. Where will you be on the day?

Yeah, I was told to just
hang in the shadows,

but emerge in moments of unease.

Yeah. Exactly.

And is the man who's playing
the unsettling music here?

- Can we hear that?
- Yeah. Sure.

And I can make this even worse
if you want.

No, no is perfect.

It really captures the feeling
of sexual doom.

- This is a cursed orgy after all.
- Right. Yes.

And speaking to the orgy of it
all, who is having sex?

That would be us.

Love what you do, you'll
never work a day in your life.

Yes, so true.

Now, we want the sex to blend in
with the party, you understand?

You're... you're saying it
should be a part of the event,

but not the event, got it.

Right. It's happening, but
it's not the focus. I can do that.

Yeah, exactly.

'Cause I feel we want this
to look like

one big undulating mass of skin
and hair and fluids.

That's our North Star.

And do we have someone who will be
fanning them with a huge feather?

I'm on it.

And I assume you have...

An enormous penis that I'll just have out
the whole time? Yes.

Hi. Sorry, I'm late. I'm from the temple
of Shaz-ri-kaz.

I was told you wanted
a goat for the orgy?

So am I worshipping it, or making out
with it, or what are we doing?

Well, making out with it is interesting.

Let's walk through that at half
speed, just so we have it down.

I'll give you a cue for the goat and...
background.

Loving this.
Great feather work.

Great writhing. And action, goat !

Blessed be the horned wonder!

That is gonna be such a show stopper.

Okay, I think that's everyone...

Wait, is our Puckish Imp here?

That'd be me.

Not what I expected.

I know I'm a little older
than most Puckish Imps,

but I was told the gig was
mostly stealing people's wine

and scampering away.

Maybe I could show
you what I was thinking?

Okay, let's see it.

- I stand corrected.
- Really good. Really puckish.

Oh, my God. Okay. He's here.

Places everyone! Music. This is it.

Behold ! Mazrathin the God-King
walks among you.

Come on out, bud.

There he is!

Once again, my daughter, Lizzo.

I know it's been hard, but
I'm still glad you're here.

No. Stop, stop.

How are we going to perform
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

without a flautist?

Excuse me. Somebody looking
for a flutist?

It's flautist, but, yes. Who are you?

The name's Tony Banks.

And I manage the greatest flutist
of our time.

Lips and lungs sent from God herself.

The incomparable Beverly Gags.

- Good evening, your honor.
- I'm not a judge. I'm a conductor.

And this is The Devry Institute
Symphony Orchestra.

If she wants first chair,
I must hear her play.

You ain't said nothing but a word.

Bitch, show that man what you got.

Look at that breath control.

Yeah, and everything else too.

So, she got the part?

Well, she's clearly talented,
but I just don't think she's our style.

I don't know, sir,
we're in quite a bind.

The show is in three hours.

Don't be racist.

Well, when you put it that way,

I suppose we can allow a quick audition.
So, take your seat.

I'm so excited. You won't regret it,
Mr. Conductor.

From the top of Ode to Joy.

Let's stop, please. Let's stop.

Why you stopping, Jack?
She was just getting in the groove.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because she was
twerking on our bassoonist.

This is a traditional symphony.

You know, one where
you sit down and play.

So you want me to sit down
on the twerk. Got it.

No, no, no.

Nobody wants that.

I mean... I wouldn't say nobody.

Look.

- Ms. Beverly...
- Gags.

I think we heard her
last name enough, okay?

Can you please try to do this
sitting down?

I can't do that.

- Yeah, that's a tall order, Jack.
- How is that a tall order?

You just sit down
and you play a solo.

If you say so.

Please stop.

What was that?
You were playing so well before.

Well, sir, the truth is...

Thank you, girl.

The truth is the only way I can
play the flute is if i'm twerking.

See, two years ago, I couldn't
play any instrument.

And then one day last summer,
the ice cream truck pulled up,

and I heard that jingle.

And that beat had my body moving
in ways that made me feel powerful,

like I could do anything,
even play the flute.

And the rest is history.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is our final
performance of the season

and it will be just too distracting if
one of us is twerking.

Then, what if we all are twerking?

What?

We are the Devry Institute Orchestra.
We make music together.

And if that means I have to pop
this booty for Beethoven, then so be it.

To Steve. May the next chapter be as
exciting as the last.

- Cheers.
- Cheers. Thanks, buddy.

Still can't believe I finally quit my job.

So what happened exactly?

I realized why am I wasting
my life at a job I hate

when I don't actually need to work.
So, I told my boss I quit.

- That's so badass.
- So cool dude.

I'm so glad he did.

Now we can finally
start living our lives.

So, what's the plan?
What's next?

We are actually gonna travel.
Europe, Brazil, you name it.

And as far as money goes,
we're not worried.

- Steve has his investments.
- Investing. I got to get into that.

You must, Paul. Financial safety
is so important.

You have to make
your money work for you.

There is many ways to achieve it.
You can invest in a fund,

a business or, in my case,
I have my Beanie Babies.

Yeah. I'm holding on to these bad
boys since 1993

and my friends, it's time to cash in.

Needless to say, we won't be worrying
about money for quite some time.

Yeah. That is really cool.

But you know though, I think
I heard a lot of Beanie Babies

aren't actually worth that much.

How do you mean?

I mean, he is right
they're essentially worthless.

All of them?

Most.

God damn it!

What have you done?
That was our life savings.

It was worthless. Don't you see
my life's work is wasted.

Sweety, relax. You can still get
your old job back, right?

-No, I cannot go back there.
- Why not?

Because when I quit I talked
with my butt like Jim Carrey does.

I bent over, grabbed my cheeks

and puffted them like he was doing
the talking.

What did you say?

I went something like "Screw you
guys, I'm out of here."

- That's terrible.
- I know.

What are we going to do, Steve?
We're going to lose the house.

Maybe I start drawing Mario full time.

What? You can't make money
drawing Mario, Steve.

Last week I drew you a Mario.

You said it was the best
one you had ever seen.

It was. It was better than
the actual Mario

but drawing Mario isn't a job, Steve.

Somebody somewhere
is drawing Mario, Anette.

Do you expect me to believe
Nintendo has no interest

in the man who did this?

Steve, I'm sorry, but that isn't really
a very good Mario.

And you made his clothes green.
Isn't that Louigi?

Guys, you dont have to lie.
It's an objectively perfect Mario.

- Better than the actual Mario.
- Yes, baby.

But Steve...

there's something
I need to tell you.

What?

I shouldn't be drinking that.

The reason I'm worried about
money is...

because you're going to be a daddy.

My God. I'm going to be a daddy?

- Baby, I love you so much.
- I love you too.

I ran away that night.

Never saw any of those people
ever again.

Started a new life here in Japan.

Now, I'm Nintendo's number one
Mario drawer.

And son, if you're reading this:

Stop trying to contact me.

I really bums me out
to hear from you.

Yours, Steven.

Tonight was the best night ever.

Thank you so much
for the cast and crew.

Thanks, me.

Good night! I love you!

Subtitling: FAST TITLES MEDIA