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1
00:00:04,283 --> 00:00:05,722
Wow, what a day!
2
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,443
Your speech was terrific,
Ketanji.
3
00:00:12,523 --> 00:00:16,003
I'm sorry, I mean Supreme Court
Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.
4
00:00:20,203 --> 00:00:22,282
Bet you can't say that three
times fast.
5
00:00:22,762 --> 00:00:25,122
I'm shocked I was able to say
it one time slow.
6
00:00:26,122 --> 00:00:27,562
Thank you, Mr. President.
7
00:00:27,643 --> 00:00:29,803
I'm so grateful you put your
trust in me.
8
00:00:29,882 --> 00:00:33,762
I made a campaign promise to put a black
woman on the court, and I did.
9
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:37,243
So that's one campaign promise
down and only 74 to go.
10
00:00:38,363 --> 00:00:40,283
Well, I was happy to do my part.
11
00:00:40,363 --> 00:00:42,883
Work twice as hard as the white
man my entire life
12
00:00:42,963 --> 00:00:46,283
and then spend a week listening to
Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.
13
00:00:47,122 --> 00:00:49,603
Mr. President, the reception
starts in five minutes.
14
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,442
Thanks.
I should go get ready.
15
00:00:51,883 --> 00:00:54,363
But, Ketanji, this is a big damn deal.
16
00:00:55,482 --> 00:00:59,003
You're the first black female justice,
but you won't be the last.
17
00:00:59,522 --> 00:01:02,722
It's just a normal thing now,
like wearing Crocs in public.
18
00:01:03,883 --> 00:01:05,202
Thank you?
19
00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:09,362
But, you know, take a moment
in this room, feel the weight of history.
20
00:01:09,443 --> 00:01:12,922
Sometimes, I like to imagine talking to
all the great Americans
21
00:01:13,002 --> 00:01:14,323
who came before me.
22
00:01:14,402 --> 00:01:17,803
-Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
-That you miss Obama?
23
00:01:18,562 --> 00:01:20,683
Every day. Like crazy.
24
00:01:21,562 --> 00:01:23,762
Mr. President, we really,
really have to go.
25
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:26,202
I'll see you in a minute.
Take your time.
26
00:01:28,323 --> 00:01:30,402
There is a lot of
history in this room.
27
00:01:31,642 --> 00:01:34,482
Who would I want to talk to?
Oh, I know.
28
00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:44,842
-Good to meet you.
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg!
29
00:01:45,202 --> 00:01:48,402
-How is this possible?
-Well, you tell me. It's your imagination.
30
00:01:50,122 --> 00:01:51,963
Alright, what do you want to know?
31
00:01:52,043 --> 00:01:54,323
Well, I'd love some to know
what advice you have for me
32
00:01:54,402 --> 00:01:56,083
as a woman on the Supreme Court.
33
00:01:56,163 --> 00:01:59,883
Okay, okay. Here's my advice.
Always label your lunches.
34
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:03,523
A lot of those other justices...
they got sticky fingers.
35
00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,282
And, second, if you are anything
like me,
36
00:02:06,362 --> 00:02:10,563
white ladies will start wearing buttons
of your face like an "I voted" sticker.
37
00:02:11,123 --> 00:02:13,242
It's freaky, but they mean well.
38
00:02:13,802 --> 00:02:15,962
Anyway, I just want to say,
I'm so proud of you.
39
00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:18,962
-I know you're gonna do a great job.
-Thank you. That means a lot.
40
00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:22,003
And, look, I know your confirmation
process put you through the wringer,
41
00:02:22,082 --> 00:02:24,522
but in the end, you know,
people do the right thing.
42
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,762
I mean, I was confirmed
at the Senate 96-3, right?
43
00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:30,242
-So, what was your vote?
-53-47.
44
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:35,883
Yeah. A lot of them walked out, and one
guy kept asking me if babies are racist.
45
00:02:37,242 --> 00:02:38,922
-Texas?
-You know it was.
46
00:02:40,163 --> 00:02:42,082
You should have seen that man.
47
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:45,323
He actually sat there on TV and
read a children's book at me.
48
00:02:46,242 --> 00:02:50,362
Well, it was Ted Cruz, so I bet the book
was called "Good Night Cancun."
49
00:02:50,443 --> 00:02:51,802
And that's a Gins-burn.
50
00:02:56,962 --> 00:02:59,642
Did I miss it?
Did I miss the Gins-burn?
51
00:03:00,043 --> 00:03:01,762
Oh, damn!
52
00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:04,283
Oh, my God!
Justice Thurgood Marshall!
53
00:03:04,362 --> 00:03:07,043
Yes, that's exactly who
you're imagining.
54
00:03:07,362 --> 00:03:10,043
What an exciting day!
We've come a long way.
55
00:03:10,522 --> 00:03:12,123
Well, thanks to you.
56
00:03:12,202 --> 00:03:14,362
You were on the front lines of
the Civil Rights Movement.
57
00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:15,642
Yep, yep.
58
00:03:15,723 --> 00:03:18,403
I was there when people of color
in this country came together
59
00:03:18,482 --> 00:03:21,003
with one voice and said,
"Enough is enough."
60
00:03:21,082 --> 00:03:23,682
And then white folks said,
"We'll think about it."
61
00:03:24,522 --> 00:03:26,283
But that was a different time.
62
00:03:26,362 --> 00:03:28,362
-Some things are still sort of similar.
-Oh, yeah?
63
00:03:28,443 --> 00:03:30,522
Is there a threat of nuclear war
with Russia?
64
00:03:30,603 --> 00:03:32,283
-Inflation still popping off?
-For sure.
65
00:03:33,003 --> 00:03:35,362
-Is Joe Biden still a politician?
-Very much so.
66
00:03:36,522 --> 00:03:40,283
So, what advice do you have for me as
a person of color on the Supreme Court?
67
00:03:40,362 --> 00:03:42,283
Well, never give up.
68
00:03:42,362 --> 00:03:46,723
Democracy can be slow and messy, it
stumbles, but over time, it moves forward.
69
00:03:46,802 --> 00:03:50,082
I mean, I was the first Black Supreme
Court justice, so you must be what?
70
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,883
-The 10th, the 20th?
-Nope, just the third.
71
00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:55,962
No further questions,
Your Honor.
72
00:03:56,522 --> 00:03:59,163
Yeah, I have some questions.
73
00:03:59,522 --> 00:04:01,242
-Harriet Tubman?
-That's right.
74
00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:04,522
Conductor of the Underground Railroad.
75
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,362
My question is, what are we
doing in The White House?
76
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:15,163
-Did we get in trouble?
-Not at all.
77
00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:18,163
Actually, because of the bravery
of women like you,
78
00:04:18,242 --> 00:04:20,442
a lot of doors opened up
to a lot of people.
79
00:04:20,523 --> 00:04:22,882
-I'm on the Supreme Court.
-I like that.
80
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,362
-I have a seat at the table.
-I like that.
81
00:04:25,442 --> 00:04:28,723
And I'm going to have this
job for the rest of my life.
82
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,122
Don't like that.
Sounds like a trap.
83
00:04:31,682 --> 00:04:34,603
-No, no, no. It's not like that.
-Okay. Okay.
84
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:39,083
But if it is, light two candles and meet
me in the farmhouse at midnight.
85
00:04:39,843 --> 00:04:42,882
No, no. I'm good.
I'm just excited to get to work.
86
00:04:43,403 --> 00:04:46,882
But I would like to talk to one more
person who broke down a barrier.
87
00:04:46,963 --> 00:04:49,043
Well, that's me,
Jackie Robinson,
88
00:04:50,882 --> 00:04:53,643
the first black player
in the Major Leagues.
89
00:04:53,723 --> 00:04:56,882
And let me tell you, being the
first is kind of fun.
90
00:04:57,203 --> 00:04:58,963
Yeah, it's fun.
91
00:04:59,562 --> 00:05:01,242
Here's my advice.
Watch out for batteries.
92
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,362
You will get so many batteries
thrown at you.
93
00:05:05,163 --> 00:05:07,843
I think the Supreme Court
is too civilized for that.
94
00:05:07,922 --> 00:05:09,963
Oh, that's what they said
about baseball,
95
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,482
but they still threw
those damn batteries.
96
00:05:12,802 --> 00:05:14,643
Wish we had helmets back then.
97
00:05:16,122 --> 00:05:18,562
But the good news is, you'll probably be
making a lot more money
98
00:05:18,643 --> 00:05:20,523
than a measly old baseball player.
99
00:05:20,603 --> 00:05:24,122
I wish. Baseball players today average
about $4 million a year.
100
00:05:24,203 --> 00:05:26,122
Oh, excuse me for a second.
101
00:05:28,442 --> 00:05:30,442
Thank you.
I've been holding that in since 1947.
102
00:05:31,403 --> 00:05:33,322
Well, thank you all for your advice.
103
00:05:33,403 --> 00:05:37,242
It's a lot of pressure, but I will do
everything I can to honor your legacy.
104
00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:39,922
That's great. So even the bad players
are millionaires?
105
00:05:40,283 --> 00:05:42,283
-Yep.
-Ain't that something.
106
00:05:43,523 --> 00:05:47,682
And... Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
107
00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:53,203
It's "Saturday Night Live"...
108
00:05:55,403 --> 00:05:56,763
with...
109
00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,403
Aidy Bryant.
110
00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:04,122
Michael Che.
111
00:06:07,482 --> 00:06:08,922
Pete Davidson.
112
00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:13,723
Mikey Day.
113
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,682
Chloe Fineman.
114
00:06:21,283 --> 00:06:22,843
Heidi Gardner.
115
00:06:27,203 --> 00:06:28,802
Colin Jost.
116
00:06:31,562 --> 00:06:33,322
Kate McKinnon.
117
00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:39,603
Alex Moffat.
118
00:06:42,122 --> 00:06:43,843
Kyle Mooney.
119
00:06:46,163 --> 00:06:47,922
Ego Nwodim.
120
00:06:53,242 --> 00:06:54,843
Chris Redd.
121
00:06:58,562 --> 00:07:00,002
Cecil Strong.
122
00:07:03,203 --> 00:07:04,802
Kenan Thompson.
123
00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:10,682
Melissa Villaseñor.
124
00:07:14,203 --> 00:07:16,083
Bowen Yang.
125
00:07:17,442 --> 00:07:19,203
featuring...
126
00:07:21,362 --> 00:07:23,322
Aristotle Athari.
127
00:07:26,843 --> 00:07:28,682
Andrew Dismukes.
128
00:07:30,963 --> 00:07:33,122
James Austin Johnson.
129
00:07:35,963 --> 00:07:37,482
Punkie Johnson.
130
00:07:40,723 --> 00:07:42,802
Sarah Sherman.
131
00:07:45,963 --> 00:07:49,482
Musical guest, Camila Cabello.
132
00:07:51,362 --> 00:07:54,043
And your host, Jake Gyllenhaal.
133
00:07:58,442 --> 00:08:01,963
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jake Gyllenhaal!
134
00:08:16,643 --> 00:08:18,442
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
135
00:08:19,403 --> 00:08:23,362
Thank you. I'm so, so excited
to be back at "SNL."
136
00:08:24,442 --> 00:08:27,723
The last time I hosted was
the year 2007.
137
00:08:28,723 --> 00:08:32,043
You know how long ago that was?
That was like 400 Marvel movies ago.
138
00:08:33,483 --> 00:08:36,163
To give you an idea of what it
was like in 2007,
139
00:08:36,243 --> 00:08:40,123
in the show I hosted, there was
a George W. Bush sketch.
140
00:08:40,962 --> 00:08:43,043
There were jokes about
the first iPhone.
141
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:46,602
And this is a photo from me
from my monologue.
142
00:08:49,322 --> 00:08:52,802
Yeah, there I am in full drag
singing a song from "Dream Girls"
143
00:08:53,722 --> 00:08:56,322
to promote a movie
where I played a gay cowboy.
144
00:08:56,802 --> 00:08:58,602
And that was...
145
00:09:02,802 --> 00:09:06,562
But that was actually the
least-problematic thing in that episode.
146
00:09:07,722 --> 00:09:11,322
But looking back, I feel like I
was a totally different person.
147
00:09:11,403 --> 00:09:12,562
You know, it's funny.
148
00:09:12,643 --> 00:09:16,283
I got this reputation for being
this serious, intense method actor,
149
00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:19,322
but, honestly, I wasn't even
that good at method acting.
150
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:23,802
I remember for this movie "Nightcrawler,"
I went to the director and I was like,
151
00:09:23,883 --> 00:09:27,322
"Get ready for me to lose 48 pounds
and win the Oscar."
152
00:09:28,043 --> 00:09:30,403
And then, a week later, I was like,
"How would you like to see an actor
153
00:09:30,483 --> 00:09:33,842
lose 36 pounds and win
the Golden Globe?"
154
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,123
And then I showed up on set and
I was like, "You're looking at a guy
155
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:41,643
who gained 10 pounds
and doesn't care about awards."
156
00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:45,523
The truth is, I was only doing
that method stuff
157
00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:49,363
because I thought that's what you had
to do to be a serious actor,
158
00:09:49,442 --> 00:09:52,442
and I kind of forgot how to have fun.
159
00:09:53,082 --> 00:09:56,763
That's when I realized something
I should have realized a long time ago.
160
00:09:57,483 --> 00:10:00,043
Acting is a really stupid job.
161
00:10:01,682 --> 00:10:06,283
It's pretend and it's fun and it
should be filled with joy.
162
00:10:07,202 --> 00:10:09,922
Well, I'm finally embracing that
joy again,
163
00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:12,842
and that's why I'm back
standing on this stage.
164
00:10:19,283 --> 00:10:22,682
I mean, I never thought "SNL"
would come calling again.
165
00:10:24,842 --> 00:10:27,403
I mean, it's been 15 years.
166
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,842
And I wasn't sure I'd remember
how to host.
167
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:40,003
But being here tonight, it feels like
everything is suddenly... coming back.
168
00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:49,483
There were nights when
the wind was so cold
169
00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,283
That my body froze in bed
170
00:10:52,363 --> 00:10:57,523
If I just listened to it right
outside the window
171
00:11:00,962 --> 00:11:03,082
But when you see me like this
172
00:11:03,922 --> 00:11:05,842
And I host you like that
173
00:11:06,442 --> 00:11:11,802
I just have to admit that it's
all coming back to me
174
00:11:12,243 --> 00:11:16,403
It's all coming back
It's all coming back to you now
175
00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:21,442
There were moments of gold
and there were flashes of light
176
00:11:22,163 --> 00:11:24,483
There were sketches I would
never do again,
177
00:11:24,562 --> 00:11:26,643
But then they always seemed right
178
00:11:27,202 --> 00:11:29,283
There were nights of endless pleasure
179
00:11:29,682 --> 00:11:33,962
It was more than any shows allowed
180
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,842
Baby, baby
181
00:11:47,483 --> 00:11:50,202
If you want me like this
182
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,082
And if you need me like that
183
00:11:53,163 --> 00:11:57,962
I can barely recall,
but it's all coming back to me
184
00:11:58,602 --> 00:12:04,562
I can barely recall,
but it's all coming back to me now
185
00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:09,442
We got a great show for you tonight.
Camila Cabello is here.
186
00:12:09,523 --> 00:12:11,523
So stick around.
We will be right back.
187
00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,403
It's the game show you love to like.
188
00:12:20,483 --> 00:12:23,602
It's "Why'd You Like It?",
with your host, Denny Donegan.
189
00:12:27,763 --> 00:12:30,363
Alright.
Welcome to "Why'd You Like It?",
190
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:34,003
the game show where we ask
contestants, "Why'd you like it?"
191
00:12:34,602 --> 00:12:36,202
I'm your host, Denny Donegan.
192
00:12:36,283 --> 00:12:39,802
-Tonight's contestants are Beth...
-Hi! Can't wait to play.
193
00:12:40,643 --> 00:12:43,322
-Kenny...
-What's up, y'all? Let's do this.
194
00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:46,922
-And Brad.
-Excited to be here, Denny.
195
00:12:47,003 --> 00:12:49,403
I'm still not totally sure what
this show is,
196
00:12:49,483 --> 00:12:51,562
but looking
forward to finding out.
197
00:12:51,922 --> 00:12:53,082
Well, the game is easy.
198
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,763
We show you a picture that you
liked on Instagram
199
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:59,442
and ask you the simple question,
"Why'd you like it?"
200
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,483
So, Brad, why don't we start
with you.
201
00:13:04,003 --> 00:13:05,483
Oh, oh, okay.
202
00:13:06,483 --> 00:13:09,322
On March 19th, you liked
this photo.
203
00:13:11,163 --> 00:13:14,243
So, the question is, "Why'd you like it?"
204
00:13:16,483 --> 00:13:17,883
She's my friend.
205
00:13:19,202 --> 00:13:20,442
I like her dog?
206
00:13:21,123 --> 00:13:22,763
I thought she was attractive.
207
00:13:23,442 --> 00:13:25,842
Still doesn't explain why you
liked it.
208
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:29,403
I mean, you could have just looked at it,
but you did the double tap.
209
00:13:29,962 --> 00:13:32,483
So the question remains, why?
210
00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:36,523
I guess some part of me
thought that if I liked it,
211
00:13:36,602 --> 00:13:39,802
she would see that I liked it and
then she would follow me back
212
00:13:39,883 --> 00:13:42,363
then we'd DM and then maybe,
at some point... I don't know...
213
00:13:42,442 --> 00:13:44,003
she'd want to have sex with me.
214
00:13:45,483 --> 00:13:47,003
That is correct.
215
00:13:48,082 --> 00:13:49,802
Thank you. Yes.
216
00:13:49,883 --> 00:13:53,043
And just to be clear,
your girlfriend is here tonight.
217
00:13:53,602 --> 00:13:55,363
She... she is, yeah.
218
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,602
You are a stupid man.
219
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:02,202
I really didn't understand
the premise of the show.
220
00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:05,363
Alright, next up, Kenny.
221
00:14:05,842 --> 00:14:07,322
Pass.
222
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,163
Nope. You can't pass.
Alright.
223
00:14:12,283 --> 00:14:14,523
Two weeks ago, you liked this photo.
224
00:14:16,802 --> 00:14:19,003
Oh, okay. That's art.
That's not even bad.
225
00:14:19,802 --> 00:14:22,163
Alright. Then this question
should be easy.
226
00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:24,403
-Why'd you like it?
-I'm cultured.
227
00:14:26,123 --> 00:14:30,123
I'd like to point out that this art photo
was posted by Megan Thee Stallion,
228
00:14:31,243 --> 00:14:35,602
who has 28 million followers
and averages two million likes per post.
229
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,682
So, again, why'd you like it?
230
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,243
I'm a fan of her music.
231
00:14:40,682 --> 00:14:42,243
I'm a fan of her art.
232
00:14:42,322 --> 00:14:44,003
I'm a fan of Instagram in general.
233
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:48,602
Okay, I guess I saw that post was getting
less likes than the ones
234
00:14:48,682 --> 00:14:51,922
with Megan's face and booty,
so I thought if I liked this one,
235
00:14:52,003 --> 00:14:53,562
it's more likely she'd see it
236
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:57,483
and she'd know that I like her for more
than her body, but, like, for her mind.
237
00:14:58,883 --> 00:15:01,962
And then it'd be like a "Notting Hill"
type of situation.
238
00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:05,643
She'd DM me, one thing leads to another,
and pretty soon, we're having sex.
239
00:15:08,202 --> 00:15:09,643
That's pathetic.
240
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,562
Do not speak.
241
00:15:12,163 --> 00:15:14,082
-Can I leave? Is...
-No.
242
00:15:14,643 --> 00:15:16,163
Alright, Beth, you're up.
243
00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:18,163
Okay, well, this should be
easy for me,
244
00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:21,163
because I don't go around liking thirst
traps on Instagram.
245
00:15:23,562 --> 00:15:25,082
Love that confidence.
246
00:15:25,163 --> 00:15:29,123
Because yesterday, you liked
this photo from 2017.
247
00:15:29,922 --> 00:15:31,682
Seems fine.
248
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:34,523
It is a picture of your
ex-boyfriend's sister.
249
00:15:35,682 --> 00:15:37,523
So why'd you like it?
250
00:15:37,962 --> 00:15:39,722
We still keep in touch.
251
00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:41,602
I like her dog.
252
00:15:42,363 --> 00:15:44,003
Waterfall.
253
00:15:45,243 --> 00:15:48,043
You scrolled back five years
to like it.
254
00:15:49,442 --> 00:15:54,043
Okay, I thought that if I liked the photo,
she'd see my name pop up on her feed
255
00:15:54,123 --> 00:15:58,043
and remember that I was nice, and
then maybe at the next family dinner,
256
00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:01,442
she'd turn to my ex and be like,
"You know who I miss? Beth!"
257
00:16:01,523 --> 00:16:05,283
And then my ex would DM me and maybe say,
"We should grab coffee sometime."
258
00:16:05,363 --> 00:16:09,322
And cut to two hours later, and we're
raw-dogging in a Starbucks bathroom.
259
00:16:11,682 --> 00:16:13,483
What is wrong with you people?
260
00:16:13,883 --> 00:16:15,562
Why did you bring us here?
261
00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:21,883
-You know what that sound means.
-You know we don't know.
262
00:16:23,523 --> 00:16:26,602
Well, it's time for Round 2,
"Why Do You Follow Them?"
263
00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:31,523
In this round, I show you
an Instagram profile,
264
00:16:31,602 --> 00:16:34,763
and the only thing you have to do is
tell me, why do you follow them?
265
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,322
Pass.
266
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:40,003
It's not gonna happen.
267
00:16:40,442 --> 00:16:42,363
Alright.
Let's get that profile up.
268
00:16:43,123 --> 00:16:45,163
You all follow Joe Biden.
269
00:16:46,403 --> 00:16:48,123
-Why?
-He's the president.
270
00:16:49,802 --> 00:16:51,322
He knows Obama.
271
00:16:52,442 --> 00:16:55,883
During the election, I felt like I wasn't
doing enough politically,
272
00:16:55,962 --> 00:16:59,082
so I thought following Joe Biden was
literally the least I could do.
273
00:16:59,763 --> 00:17:01,243
So close.
274
00:17:01,883 --> 00:17:05,082
And I thought maybe if someone political
saw I was following him,
275
00:17:05,162 --> 00:17:06,923
they'd want to have sex with me.
276
00:17:07,723 --> 00:17:09,243
I'm gonna kill you.
277
00:17:09,882 --> 00:17:11,483
I wasn't gonna do anything.
278
00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:17,203
I mean, unless one of them DM'd me
and commented on some of my photos.
279
00:17:17,283 --> 00:17:18,923
Alright, alright.
280
00:17:19,283 --> 00:17:22,763
Look, maybe in the past, I've been pretty
shallow when it comes to social media,
281
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,122
but thanks to this game show, I now
realize social media is not my friend
282
00:17:26,203 --> 00:17:28,602
and maybe it's time to get
off this thing for good.
283
00:17:30,003 --> 00:17:35,683
In the time it took for the camera to cut
to me just now, you liked, un-liked,
284
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,923
and liked again this photo.
285
00:17:41,082 --> 00:17:42,523
I'm sorry. I cannot change.
286
00:17:43,523 --> 00:17:46,842
Understood. We'll be right back after
the break with Round 3...
287
00:17:46,923 --> 00:17:50,322
Why did you react to their Instagram story
despite never meeting them?
288
00:17:50,842 --> 00:17:52,043
Stick around.
289
00:18:00,243 --> 00:18:04,203
Just a couple of cousins
turning houses into dream homes.
290
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,122
We're the...
"Dream Home Cousins."
291
00:18:08,763 --> 00:18:12,723
My cousin Gage and I have been hard at
work designing a dream home
292
00:18:12,802 --> 00:18:16,203
for Lillian and her quiet,
milquetoast husband Pat,
293
00:18:16,283 --> 00:18:18,523
who's deeply uncomfortable
on camera.
294
00:18:18,842 --> 00:18:21,642
And now we're ready to show them
the plans we drew up.
295
00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:24,243
For the record, I did most
of the drawing.
296
00:18:24,322 --> 00:18:26,443
-Oh, brother.
-Don't you mean, "Oh, cousin"?
297
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:33,923
Lillian, Pat, you guys ready
to see our final design?
298
00:18:34,523 --> 00:18:36,402
Yes. I'm so excited.
299
00:18:36,923 --> 00:18:38,402
Pat?
300
00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:42,243
Now, we all agreed on a design,
301
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:47,362
but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball
when Pat informed us that his mother,
302
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:49,763
Bea, and her 27-year-old cat,
303
00:18:49,842 --> 00:18:53,203
Charles-David, would also be
moving into your house,
304
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:55,763
which required us to change
a few things.
305
00:18:56,122 --> 00:18:59,003
But it's still going to be my dream house,
right? What we talked about?
306
00:18:59,082 --> 00:19:01,082
You bet, just slightly modified.
307
00:19:01,842 --> 00:19:03,683
Let's start with the living room.
308
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:08,723
Lillian, you wanted this space to be
"an oasis of relaxation."
309
00:19:09,122 --> 00:19:10,562
Oh, I love that!
310
00:19:10,642 --> 00:19:15,203
But Bea wanted this space to be,
"Where we put my cat's medical equipment."
311
00:19:15,723 --> 00:19:20,243
Unfortunately, the amount of machinery it
takes to keep a 27-year-old cat
312
00:19:20,322 --> 00:19:23,763
with no kidneys alive really
cluttered up the space.
313
00:19:23,842 --> 00:19:25,923
-God, this f... cat!
-What did you say?
314
00:19:26,322 --> 00:19:27,642
Now for the kitchen.
315
00:19:27,723 --> 00:19:31,243
We thought this captured Lillian's vision
of an open-concept design.
316
00:19:31,802 --> 00:19:33,802
And we would have loved to build that,
317
00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:36,043
but since Bea's going to be doing
most of the cooking...
318
00:19:36,122 --> 00:19:38,763
All the cooking...
Skinny Minnie can't cook.
319
00:19:39,122 --> 00:19:41,483
...we went with a more
closed-concept feel.
320
00:19:41,562 --> 00:19:43,562
And since Bea is afraid of gas,
321
00:19:43,642 --> 00:19:48,203
we swapped the six-burner Viking Range
for an olive-green electric stove
322
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:50,443
and Oster toaster oven,
323
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,523
both from Bea's current home
and both manufactured in 1978.
324
00:19:54,923 --> 00:19:57,402
Back when America still built things.
325
00:19:57,483 --> 00:19:59,523
Are you gonna fight for
anything I want?
326
00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:04,082
Now, Lillian, I sense that you're
probably feeling
327
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,763
that your vision has been
compromised downstairs.
328
00:20:06,842 --> 00:20:08,122
Yes.
329
00:20:08,203 --> 00:20:11,602
-But upstairs...
-Has also been compromised.
330
00:20:12,402 --> 00:20:15,122
We had to partition the grand staircase
to accommodate
331
00:20:15,203 --> 00:20:17,763
Charles-David's motorized
stair-chair.
332
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,443
But good news, Lillian.
333
00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:23,283
We were able to preserve your
yoga studio from our original design.
334
00:20:23,362 --> 00:20:24,923
Yay! It's perfect.
335
00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:29,003
But it will have to double as the
display room
336
00:20:29,082 --> 00:20:32,162
for Bea's collection of Wise Quackers...
337
00:20:33,322 --> 00:20:37,723
large ceramic statues of ducks
in 1930s gangster outfits.
338
00:20:38,043 --> 00:20:43,523
And with 90 Wise Quackers to display,
the yoga studio will be a little cramped.
339
00:20:44,362 --> 00:20:47,003
So? What do we think so far?
340
00:20:47,082 --> 00:20:50,802
I think that Skinny Minnie open her legs
and etole my son.
341
00:20:52,122 --> 00:20:55,763
I know she took your sweetness
before your wedding night.
342
00:20:55,842 --> 00:20:59,082
-What?! You told her that?
-I gave my sweetness.
343
00:20:59,443 --> 00:21:00,963
Oh, my God.
344
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:04,283
Okay, let's show you what we came up
with for the primary bedroom.
345
00:21:06,082 --> 00:21:07,923
Okay. That's gorgeous.
346
00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:11,003
And here's where we landed
after talking to Bea.
347
00:21:11,082 --> 00:21:14,963
Since this will be her bedroom, as well,
we'll swap the king bed for three singles.
348
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:17,003
And since Bea hates large,
open spaces...
349
00:21:17,082 --> 00:21:18,562
The devil's in the rafters.
350
00:21:18,642 --> 00:21:22,443
...those 15-foot cathedral ceilings
will come down to about 6 feet.
351
00:21:22,523 --> 00:21:24,162
You're 6'1".
352
00:21:24,763 --> 00:21:26,003
I'll crouch.
353
00:21:26,082 --> 00:21:27,963
But don't worry, Bea.
354
00:21:28,043 --> 00:21:30,003
We made sure there was enough
wall space
355
00:21:30,082 --> 00:21:32,483
for all the old black-and-white
photographs
356
00:21:32,562 --> 00:21:34,523
of your stern-looking ancestors.
357
00:21:34,602 --> 00:21:36,243
That was when men were men.
358
00:21:36,322 --> 00:21:38,443
And now, drumroll, please.
359
00:21:39,683 --> 00:21:41,283
For the primary bathroom,
360
00:21:41,642 --> 00:21:45,203
Lillian wanted windows to take
advantage of your beautiful view.
361
00:21:45,283 --> 00:21:50,043
But Bea was very concerned
with peepers invading her privacy,
362
00:21:50,122 --> 00:21:55,003
which took the bathroom window count
down from six to no windows.
363
00:21:55,082 --> 00:21:58,562
You know them perverts and tuggers
wanna see me make my dirt.
364
00:21:58,882 --> 00:22:01,162
No one wants to see you
"make your dirt."
365
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,362
-Hit her.
-Mother, no.
366
00:22:05,043 --> 00:22:06,362
Hit her.
367
00:22:07,483 --> 00:22:08,923
Are you thinking about it?
368
00:22:09,003 --> 00:22:11,923
When we come back,
the upstairs demo begins.
369
00:22:12,003 --> 00:22:13,243
Two, one...
370
00:22:15,562 --> 00:22:17,003
Okay.
371
00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:28,122
Hello, everyone. We hope you're
enjoying the music and dinner.
372
00:22:28,642 --> 00:22:32,203
If anyone drove here in a blue
Toyota Corolla,
373
00:22:32,723 --> 00:22:36,763
I just want to say,
I have the same car, so let's talk.
374
00:22:38,082 --> 00:22:41,763
And now, without further ado,
our biggest act of the night,
375
00:22:42,283 --> 00:22:43,882
The Singers Four.
376
00:22:43,963 --> 00:22:46,322
Tonight is a special reunion.
377
00:22:46,402 --> 00:22:49,402
They haven't performed together
in five years.
378
00:22:50,003 --> 00:22:53,923
But we are so lucky that they
are all back in town tonight.
379
00:22:54,003 --> 00:22:57,362
Please welcome The Singers Four!
380
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,443
Hello, everybody.
381
00:23:04,523 --> 00:23:07,683
I see some beautiful waters
and breads in the crowd.
382
00:23:08,443 --> 00:23:12,003
We are The Singers Four and we are
so glad to be with you tonight.
383
00:23:12,842 --> 00:23:16,203
You know, so many songs are
dedicated to greatness,
384
00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:20,402
but we've lived long enough to know
that not everyone can be great.
385
00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:22,362
Some of us are just walking around.
386
00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:26,802
This song goes out to the folks in the
middle, celebrating the little things.
387
00:23:26,882 --> 00:23:30,842
Because it's what we've got, it's all we
want, and it's actually a lot.
388
00:23:32,162 --> 00:23:34,723
I don't have taste
I don't have plans
389
00:23:34,802 --> 00:23:37,003
I've been passed over
I've been picked last
390
00:23:37,362 --> 00:23:39,322
I'm not winning any medals
391
00:23:39,402 --> 00:23:41,003
Not number one, two, or three
392
00:23:41,082 --> 00:23:43,162
Who the hell's counting?
393
00:23:43,243 --> 00:23:45,562
But I've made my bed
Every day this month
394
00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:48,362
I can parallel park under any condition
395
00:23:48,443 --> 00:23:50,723
When I pump inside of a lady
Stuff comes out
396
00:23:51,082 --> 00:23:55,003
And that's my thing for me
397
00:23:56,082 --> 00:23:59,443
Look, no one can climb Everest,
but you know what I just did?
398
00:24:00,523 --> 00:24:01,882
Well, tell us, Johnny.
399
00:24:01,963 --> 00:24:04,443
I finished an entire Chap Stick
without losing it.
400
00:24:04,523 --> 00:24:06,243
-I've never done that.
-I know.
401
00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:09,203
And I think that means
I'm a good dad.
402
00:24:10,882 --> 00:24:12,802
That's exactly what it means.
403
00:24:13,443 --> 00:24:15,882
I'm not a queen
I'm not the best
404
00:24:16,203 --> 00:24:18,243
Might not be special
Might not be blessed
405
00:24:18,723 --> 00:24:22,243
If it's graded on a curve,
I'm the one getting B's
406
00:24:22,322 --> 00:24:23,802
That's almost an "A."
407
00:24:23,882 --> 00:24:26,523
But this morning, I woke up
two minutes before my alarm
408
00:24:26,963 --> 00:24:29,162
I used to smoke, but then I stopped
409
00:24:29,562 --> 00:24:32,243
My e-mail in-box has zero e-mails
410
00:24:32,322 --> 00:24:35,602
And that's my thing for me
411
00:24:37,362 --> 00:24:41,003
So, tell me, what are we all
hanging our hats on these days?
412
00:24:41,362 --> 00:24:47,003
Well, I'll never win the Nobel Prize,
but I can say that I met Eric Nies.
413
00:24:48,763 --> 00:24:49,842
And who is that?
414
00:24:50,842 --> 00:24:53,322
He was in the original cast
of "The Real World."
415
00:24:53,402 --> 00:24:55,362
Well, that's terrific!
416
00:24:55,443 --> 00:24:58,723
You know, one thing that I like
to tell people about me
417
00:24:58,802 --> 00:25:00,723
is that I'm not the best at sex.
418
00:25:01,483 --> 00:25:03,322
Okay. Tell me more.
419
00:25:03,402 --> 00:25:05,483
Well, it's not going to be
anything new,
420
00:25:05,562 --> 00:25:09,683
but I guarantee one thing...
you're not going to feel scared or upset.
421
00:25:10,243 --> 00:25:12,003
You go, girl!
422
00:25:12,082 --> 00:25:14,842
My grandmother says I'm
classically handsome
423
00:25:15,243 --> 00:25:17,443
I grew out of a peanut allergy
424
00:25:17,882 --> 00:25:20,203
I don't know why,
but I never got COVID
425
00:25:20,723 --> 00:25:22,763
And I hated "Hamilton"
before it was cool
426
00:25:23,082 --> 00:25:26,523
Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I'm sick,
427
00:25:26,602 --> 00:25:28,243
and I go to the movies
428
00:25:28,322 --> 00:25:31,003
Then I go home, and my wife says,
"How was work?"
429
00:25:31,082 --> 00:25:33,402
And I say, "Good," and nobody knows
430
00:25:33,802 --> 00:25:37,802
And that's his thing for him
431
00:25:38,483 --> 00:25:41,523
Come on, every dinner...
it can't be steak.
432
00:25:41,602 --> 00:25:45,003
Sometimes, it's old, wet pasta
in a Tupperware. Grow up!
433
00:25:45,082 --> 00:25:47,322
Every night can't be the best
night of your life.
434
00:25:47,642 --> 00:25:49,963
It'd be exhausting.
You'd end up in a hospital.
435
00:25:50,483 --> 00:25:54,602
Gold isn't the only metal.
What does gold do? Sparkle?
436
00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:58,963
Who cares?
You know what tin does?
437
00:25:59,322 --> 00:26:01,162
Preserves tomatoes forever.
438
00:26:01,562 --> 00:26:03,802
And fine, we don't have Grammys,
439
00:26:03,882 --> 00:26:07,402
but we have Grammys of weed,
which is what I call it
440
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,842
when I don't have
that much weed left.
441
00:26:11,162 --> 00:26:13,402
I do not read
I do not floss
442
00:26:13,802 --> 00:26:16,483
The world, it saw me and said,
"Get lost"
443
00:26:16,562 --> 00:26:19,963
I don't have any trophies,
but I have a TV
444
00:26:20,043 --> 00:26:22,203
He can watch whatever he wants.
445
00:26:22,283 --> 00:26:24,723
Some people are faster,
some people are hotter
446
00:26:25,082 --> 00:26:27,763
But I put lemon in my water
447
00:26:27,842 --> 00:26:29,882
Sure, I'm not regal,
sure, I'm not rich
448
00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,602
But when I cook chicken,
it's never dry, bitch
449
00:26:32,683 --> 00:26:35,322
I don't have money,
I don't have power
450
00:26:35,402 --> 00:26:38,842
But every time I use it,
I clean one part of the shower
451
00:26:38,923 --> 00:26:42,443
Sure, I don't write poems that transcend
But I have a son,
452
00:26:42,802 --> 00:26:44,523
And he has a friend
453
00:26:44,602 --> 00:26:49,882
And that's enough for me
454
00:27:02,283 --> 00:27:06,602
Alright, my beautiful little spring bulbs,
you're getting bigger every day.
455
00:27:07,443 --> 00:27:10,243
And it looks like you're thirsty
for a sprinkle.
456
00:27:13,683 --> 00:27:15,523
Thank you, Mr. Greenthumb.
457
00:27:15,602 --> 00:27:17,923
We love those little sprinkles!
458
00:27:18,003 --> 00:27:20,043
I know I love them a lot!
459
00:27:23,322 --> 00:27:25,602
Excuse me.
I'm a little confused.
460
00:27:26,082 --> 00:27:29,683
Yesterday, I was just a bulb in
the Earth, and now I'm different.
461
00:27:30,443 --> 00:27:34,043
Welcome to the flower bed, friend.
We wondered when you'd arrive.
462
00:27:34,562 --> 00:27:36,602
Yeah, you're a late bloomer.
463
00:27:37,003 --> 00:27:39,402
Not sexually, just as a flower.
464
00:27:41,562 --> 00:27:43,322
You're going to like it here.
465
00:27:43,402 --> 00:27:45,642
Just about everything is
perfect, because...
466
00:27:46,842 --> 00:27:49,642
It's spring
Well, everywhere but Idaho
467
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:53,763
'Cause there is still a lot of snow
But spring has finally sprung
468
00:27:54,483 --> 00:27:56,243
Yes, spring has finally sprung
469
00:27:56,602 --> 00:27:58,642
You're right... I do like it here.
470
00:27:59,923 --> 00:28:02,842
Hooray for spring and zing
And Easter things
471
00:28:03,203 --> 00:28:05,243
Spring, spring, spring...
472
00:28:08,763 --> 00:28:11,203
Hey, everybody.
What are we talking about?
473
00:28:12,122 --> 00:28:14,763
We were just saying how
wonderful spring is, Mr. Bee.
474
00:28:15,283 --> 00:28:18,283
Oh, yeah. Spring is the best.
Love spring.
475
00:28:20,523 --> 00:28:22,203
Hey, wait.
What are you doing?
476
00:28:22,723 --> 00:28:25,082
What?
I'm just doing what bees do.
477
00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:26,322
It's okay.
478
00:28:28,683 --> 00:28:30,562
It doesn't feel okay.
479
00:28:30,642 --> 00:28:32,802
It looks like you're having
sex with his head.
480
00:28:33,443 --> 00:28:37,523
No, no. I'm just getting pollen
on my legs or whatever.
481
00:28:37,923 --> 00:28:40,043
It's all very natural and necessary.
482
00:28:43,243 --> 00:28:46,443
Wait! Don't do me after you
just did him!
483
00:28:48,082 --> 00:28:50,122
-Can you believe this?
-I know.
484
00:28:50,203 --> 00:28:52,402
It's like, when is it going to
be my turn?
485
00:28:54,802 --> 00:28:56,923
Oh, I'll get to everybody.
486
00:28:58,402 --> 00:29:01,003
-Oh, and it kind of tickles.
-Shut up, shut up. I'm close.
487
00:29:01,082 --> 00:29:02,642
Okay.
488
00:29:03,443 --> 00:29:05,683
What do you do with all this
pollen anyway?
489
00:29:06,602 --> 00:29:10,203
I basically squeeze a load of goop out my
butt, and then people eat it.
490
00:29:10,683 --> 00:29:12,162
Pretty kinky, right?
491
00:29:13,602 --> 00:29:17,082
Get out of there, you silly bee!
Don't you be bothering my pretty flowers!
492
00:29:19,842 --> 00:29:21,723
Thank goodness that's over.
493
00:29:22,443 --> 00:29:24,642
Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?
494
00:29:25,322 --> 00:29:27,122
Wait! Who are you?
495
00:29:27,203 --> 00:29:29,362
Just another flower, like you guys.
496
00:29:29,842 --> 00:29:32,842
-Are you sure you're not a weed?
-No, I'm a flower.
497
00:29:33,483 --> 00:29:35,923
Hey, can I choke you a little bit?
498
00:29:36,322 --> 00:29:39,562
-Choke me? No!
-Okay. Why not, though?
499
00:29:39,642 --> 00:29:42,602
-I think you might like it.
-Hey, get away from us, weirdo.
500
00:29:42,963 --> 00:29:45,003
You're not a flower.
You don't belong here.
501
00:29:45,402 --> 00:29:47,243
Oh, you don't think I belong here?
502
00:29:47,322 --> 00:29:50,003
You don't want me in your little
gated flower community?
503
00:29:50,082 --> 00:29:51,842
Are you hearing this bull?
504
00:29:54,283 --> 00:29:56,243
Come on!
Just let me choke you!
505
00:29:56,322 --> 00:29:57,923
Stop!
506
00:29:58,003 --> 00:30:00,043
-Can you believe this?
-I know.
507
00:30:00,402 --> 00:30:02,523
It's like, when is it going
to be my turn?
508
00:30:04,562 --> 00:30:07,322
Hey! Go away, you stupid weed!
Get back!
509
00:30:09,243 --> 00:30:12,683
You can kill me, but you
can't kill the revolution!
510
00:30:15,322 --> 00:30:17,723
A lot happens
in this garden bed.
511
00:30:18,443 --> 00:30:20,322
At least the day hasn't been
all bad.
512
00:30:20,402 --> 00:30:23,082
We're all together,
and there's not a cloud in the sky.
513
00:30:23,483 --> 00:30:26,322
Wait. There is a cloud.
514
00:30:26,402 --> 00:30:28,362
And why is the cloud so furry?
515
00:30:28,443 --> 00:30:31,082
And why does the cloud have
a dog penis?
516
00:30:31,642 --> 00:30:34,043
Mr. Peanut, don't do that
on my flowers.
517
00:30:39,203 --> 00:30:42,842
What is that?
What is that hot liquid?
518
00:30:43,763 --> 00:30:46,402
-It's so salty!
-I don't mind it.
519
00:30:48,483 --> 00:30:49,882
I'm getting out of here.
520
00:30:50,283 --> 00:30:53,322
Oh, my God! I don't have legs!
Where are my legs?!
521
00:30:54,043 --> 00:30:55,523
Make it stop!
522
00:30:55,842 --> 00:30:59,483
It's so dark!
He must be dehydrated!
523
00:31:02,043 --> 00:31:04,003
When is it going to be my turn?
524
00:31:05,162 --> 00:31:08,642
Get out of there, Mr. Peanut.
Oh, my poor flowers are soaked.
525
00:31:10,523 --> 00:31:14,283
I guess maybe being a flower
isn't all it's cracked up to be.
526
00:31:15,203 --> 00:31:16,963
Don't say that!
527
00:31:17,283 --> 00:31:18,882
Don't you ever!
528
00:31:19,322 --> 00:31:22,362
It's been a long, gray winter,
and people need us.
529
00:31:22,882 --> 00:31:25,683
Our beautiful colors
and our sweet aromas.
530
00:31:25,763 --> 00:31:28,483
Even if, right now,
we don't exactly smell so good.
531
00:31:30,723 --> 00:31:32,003
You're right.
532
00:31:32,082 --> 00:31:35,562
Look at the smile on
Mr. Greenthumb's face right now.
533
00:31:36,402 --> 00:31:40,683
Let's see which one of y'all is going to
look good on the vase on my mantel.
534
00:31:53,122 --> 00:31:55,763
No! They killed Jake Flower-haal!
535
00:31:57,122 --> 00:31:59,802
-Is that who that was?
-Man, this garden is crazy.
536
00:32:00,763 --> 00:32:02,802
Can I choke you a little bit?
537
00:32:03,283 --> 00:32:04,882
Finally.
538
00:32:13,882 --> 00:32:16,362
Oh, my God.
These meetings tonight are brutal.
539
00:32:16,443 --> 00:32:18,562
I know.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
540
00:32:18,642 --> 00:32:21,243
-I am so done with Janet.
-Okay! She is awful!
541
00:32:21,322 --> 00:32:22,723
I know.
542
00:32:22,802 --> 00:32:25,122
She's always, like, running
down the hallway so fast.
543
00:32:25,203 --> 00:32:28,082
It's like, "What's the big rush, Janet?
You don't actually do anything."
544
00:32:28,882 --> 00:32:31,443
I know. And does she have to eat
tuna every day?
545
00:32:32,082 --> 00:32:35,243
It makes me sick. And she chews with
her mouth open like a farm animal.
546
00:32:35,562 --> 00:32:38,963
Okay, the worst is when she's quiet.
It's so creepy.
547
00:32:39,043 --> 00:32:42,642
Like yesterday, when we were car-pooling,
I completely forgot she was in the car
548
00:32:42,723 --> 00:32:45,322
because she didn't say
a word the whole time.
549
00:32:45,402 --> 00:32:48,723
Then, all of a sudden, she just pops up in
the back seat out of nowhere like Chucky.
550
00:33:11,362 --> 00:33:12,723
Hey, Chucky.
551
00:33:13,602 --> 00:33:16,122
We didn't, uh, realize you
were in there.
552
00:33:16,483 --> 00:33:18,243
Well, I was.
553
00:33:18,322 --> 00:33:20,723
Did you hear us talking?
554
00:33:20,802 --> 00:33:22,602
No, not really.
555
00:33:23,322 --> 00:33:27,243
Only the part where you compared
me to Janet, you filthy sluts!
556
00:33:27,683 --> 00:33:30,003
I'll teach you to mess with me!
557
00:33:35,963 --> 00:33:37,283
Chucky, no!
558
00:33:39,602 --> 00:33:41,923
Now, I know no one likes getting
called into an HR meeting,
559
00:33:42,003 --> 00:33:45,082
but given what happened this morning,
I felt it was necessary.
560
00:33:45,602 --> 00:33:48,842
Chucky, as you know, we have a
company policy against stabbing
561
00:33:48,923 --> 00:33:51,122
your co-workers in the legs
with a knife.
562
00:33:51,203 --> 00:33:55,402
But, ladies, we also have a zero-tolerance
policy when it comes to bullying.
563
00:33:56,043 --> 00:33:58,602
What you said about Chucky
was uncalled for,
564
00:33:58,683 --> 00:34:03,483
especially comparing him to Janet,
who we all know sucks.
565
00:34:04,562 --> 00:34:06,963
I'm sorry.
Why do I have to be here?
566
00:34:07,322 --> 00:34:09,642
To take notes, Janet.
Idiot!
567
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:15,483
Okay, so, how can we stop this kind
of thing from happening in the future?
568
00:34:15,562 --> 00:34:18,122
By putting these bitches
in body bags?
569
00:34:18,682 --> 00:34:20,282
See? That's it right there.
570
00:34:20,363 --> 00:34:22,282
Chucky's always saying things
like that.
571
00:34:22,363 --> 00:34:25,363
I also think these gender-neutral
bathrooms were a big mistake.
572
00:34:26,202 --> 00:34:28,923
Only because now I have to worry about
Chucky dropping down
573
00:34:29,003 --> 00:34:31,843
from the ceiling and landing on
my back while I'm sitting on the toilet.
574
00:34:31,923 --> 00:34:34,082
Don't tempt me with a good time.
575
00:34:34,162 --> 00:34:35,323
Chucky! Stop!
576
00:34:35,403 --> 00:34:37,363
Chucky, I understand that
when your feelings get hurt,
577
00:34:37,443 --> 00:34:39,043
your first instinct is violence.
578
00:34:39,122 --> 00:34:41,923
For example, you're stabbing me
in the leg right now.
579
00:34:42,323 --> 00:34:44,602
-Oh, my God.
-You see? He doesn't belong here.
580
00:34:44,682 --> 00:34:46,443
Yes, he does.
581
00:34:47,242 --> 00:34:49,883
Each of us has a different story.
582
00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:52,282
Megan, you have a background in PR.
583
00:34:52,363 --> 00:34:54,682
Peggy, you were in the military.
584
00:34:55,443 --> 00:34:56,762
And, Chucky...
585
00:34:56,843 --> 00:35:00,803
...you did an ancient voodoo curse that
when combined with a lightning strike
586
00:35:00,883 --> 00:35:03,282
transferred your soul
to the body of a doll.
587
00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:06,642
That's something that no one
else here can say.
588
00:35:06,722 --> 00:35:08,923
He's not even listening.
589
00:35:12,963 --> 00:35:15,162
-I think we're making progress.
-Look!
590
00:35:16,162 --> 00:35:17,762
Oh, my God!
591
00:35:18,483 --> 00:35:20,043
Janet!
592
00:35:20,682 --> 00:35:23,082
-Are you eating tuna right now?
-What?
593
00:35:32,443 --> 00:35:34,682
Ladies and gentlemen,
Camila Cabello.
594
00:39:09,403 --> 00:39:13,122
It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.
595
00:39:18,682 --> 00:39:20,682
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "Weekend Update."
596
00:39:20,762 --> 00:39:22,602
-I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost.
597
00:39:27,122 --> 00:39:29,562
The Senate confirmed Ketanji
Brown Jackson,
598
00:39:29,642 --> 00:39:32,883
making her the first Black woman
to serve on the Supreme Court.
599
00:39:37,682 --> 00:39:40,122
"I'll drink to that,"
said Brett Kavanaugh.
600
00:39:43,843 --> 00:39:46,803
Justice Jackson was honored
Friday at a White House ceremony
601
00:39:46,883 --> 00:39:50,122
and said, "We have come a long
way toward perfecting our union,"
602
00:39:50,682 --> 00:39:53,923
which is a direct quote from Ben Affleck's
proposal to J-Lo.
603
00:39:56,762 --> 00:39:58,523
Republican Senator Tom Cotton,
604
00:39:58,602 --> 00:40:01,602
who wants everyone to cool it
with the long-neck jokes...
605
00:40:05,483 --> 00:40:10,523
...said he believes Supreme Court Justice
Jackson would have defended the Nazis.
606
00:40:11,403 --> 00:40:13,363
Worse, he meant it as a compliment.
607
00:40:15,762 --> 00:40:17,443
Senator Mitch McConnell,
608
00:40:17,523 --> 00:40:20,242
seen here watching the Oscars'
"In Memoriam" package,
609
00:40:22,043 --> 00:40:24,003
reportedly said that his "no" vote
610
00:40:24,082 --> 00:40:28,682
on Ketanji Brown Jackson's Supreme Court
nomination was not based on race or gender
611
00:40:28,762 --> 00:40:32,483
but on Ketanji's refusal to answer his
question, "Can I touch your hair?"
612
00:40:37,523 --> 00:40:41,242
Health officials say that the annual
Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, D.C.,
613
00:40:41,323 --> 00:40:43,483
became a COVID superspreader event
614
00:40:43,562 --> 00:40:46,602
with more than 50 high-ranking officials
getting infected.
615
00:40:46,682 --> 00:40:50,843
The problem was a lot of people took off
their masks during the post-dinner orgy.
616
00:40:53,523 --> 00:40:55,162
-You can't do that.
-A picture.
617
00:40:55,242 --> 00:40:58,803
-Can't do that.
-That picture really paints a picture.
618
00:41:00,483 --> 00:41:02,323
Health officials in Washington, D.C.,
619
00:41:02,403 --> 00:41:06,363
confirmed that a fox that bit a
congressman near the Capitol had rabies.
620
00:41:06,722 --> 00:41:09,323
Officials suspect the fox
contracted rabies
621
00:41:09,403 --> 00:41:12,003
when it was bitten
by Marjorie Taylor Greene.
622
00:41:17,122 --> 00:41:18,282
In a new interview,
623
00:41:18,363 --> 00:41:22,202
Donald Trump says that he wanted to join
the January 6th march on the Capitol
624
00:41:22,282 --> 00:41:24,562
but that the Secret Service
wouldn't allow it.
625
00:41:24,642 --> 00:41:27,443
Also keeping him from storming
the Capitol... steps.
626
00:41:28,483 --> 00:41:30,003
Too many steps.
627
00:41:30,843 --> 00:41:32,803
Barack Obama returned
to the White House
628
00:41:32,883 --> 00:41:36,082
for the first time
in five years and jokingly...
629
00:41:36,682 --> 00:41:39,642
He jokingly referred to Joe Biden
as "Vice President."
630
00:41:39,722 --> 00:41:41,883
Hey, Barack, don't confuse him.
631
00:41:44,682 --> 00:41:46,762
As punishment for slapping Chris Rock,
632
00:41:46,843 --> 00:41:50,323
the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts
and Sciences has banned Will Smith
633
00:41:50,403 --> 00:41:52,803
from attending the Oscars
for 10 years.
634
00:41:52,883 --> 00:41:54,883
But is that a punishment?
635
00:41:57,363 --> 00:42:00,122
He can still be nominated
and even win an award.
636
00:42:00,202 --> 00:42:01,963
He can even go
to the after party.
637
00:42:02,043 --> 00:42:05,122
He just doesn't have to attend
the four-hour ceremony
638
00:42:05,923 --> 00:42:09,003
where someone is definitely going
to make fun of his wife again.
639
00:42:10,162 --> 00:42:12,642
Honestly, I think a real punishment
would be
640
00:42:12,722 --> 00:42:15,642
to make Will Smith
host next year's Oscars.
641
00:42:18,642 --> 00:42:21,403
Because, trust me, nothing will
make you question your choices
642
00:42:21,483 --> 00:42:24,003
in life more than hosting an
awards show.
643
00:42:30,523 --> 00:42:31,883
I loved it.
644
00:42:32,242 --> 00:42:35,122
Business leaders in Miami are
hoping to make the city
645
00:42:35,483 --> 00:42:38,483
the cryptocurrency capital
of the country,
646
00:42:38,562 --> 00:42:42,082
because just like crypto, Miami
won't be around in about 20 years.
647
00:42:44,363 --> 00:42:47,602
Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy
made a televised speech
648
00:42:47,682 --> 00:42:49,523
during Sunday's
Grammy Awards.
649
00:42:49,602 --> 00:42:53,043
It was a heartfelt, impassioned
plea to help the people of Ukraine
650
00:42:53,122 --> 00:42:57,562
but missed a opportunity
for a legendary "G.I. Jane" joke.
651
00:43:03,523 --> 00:43:04,883
Still upset, huh?
652
00:43:05,282 --> 00:43:09,682
Disney announced that it will
soon lift a COVID protocol
653
00:43:09,762 --> 00:43:13,483
and once again allow park guests
to hug costumed characters.
654
00:43:13,803 --> 00:43:17,082
"Thank God," said an adult man
standing next to Jasmine.
655
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:25,803
Red Lobster's CEO is resigning after just
eight months on the job saying,
656
00:43:25,883 --> 00:43:28,523
"I have truly loved my time here
at Red Lobster,"
657
00:43:28,602 --> 00:43:32,043
which is also what my dates say to me
right before getting in their Uber.
658
00:43:34,282 --> 00:43:35,443
Oh, this is fun.
659
00:43:35,523 --> 00:43:39,843
An alligator in Florida was photographed
swimming with a football in its mouth.
660
00:43:40,363 --> 00:43:42,923
Turning now to sports news,
Tom Brady is missing.
661
00:43:47,523 --> 00:43:52,363
A personal-injury attorney in Florida
allegedly drove her car into four people.
662
00:43:53,043 --> 00:43:56,323
Said the attorney, "Have you
been injured in an accident?"
663
00:43:59,923 --> 00:44:01,443
That's a dumb joke.
It was reported...
664
00:44:02,523 --> 00:44:06,282
It was reported that at least
139 people around the country
665
00:44:06,363 --> 00:44:10,323
have said they became sick after eating
the breakfast cereal Lucky Charms.
666
00:44:10,403 --> 00:44:14,082
Well, 1 or 2 people getting sick
could be a coincidence, but 139?
667
00:44:14,162 --> 00:44:15,963
That's tragically suspicious.
668
00:44:18,602 --> 00:44:20,082
Thank you, thank you.
669
00:44:21,483 --> 00:44:23,162
No, don't applaud that.
670
00:44:25,003 --> 00:44:26,363
Thank you so much.
671
00:44:28,963 --> 00:44:33,242
A new lawsuit accuses Burger King
of falsely advertising their Whoppers
672
00:44:33,323 --> 00:44:35,762
as bigger than what people
actually get.
673
00:44:35,843 --> 00:44:39,803
It's the same accusation made in the case
of Women vs. Michael Che.
674
00:44:45,883 --> 00:44:50,642
Advertising companies are mining online
data in order to predict consumer trends.
675
00:44:50,722 --> 00:44:53,242
Here to comment are two
trend forecasters.
676
00:44:55,762 --> 00:44:58,082
-Hello, hello, Michael.
This is incredible.
677
00:44:59,483 --> 00:45:03,843
Wow, okay, so, you're here to share your
data on today's most popular trends.
678
00:45:04,282 --> 00:45:05,443
Yes.
679
00:45:05,523 --> 00:45:11,122
We are tracking the trends
with a big, old, mean computer.
680
00:45:12,323 --> 00:45:14,923
The numbers are in,
and the trends have been cast.
681
00:45:15,003 --> 00:45:16,722
-Here is...
-The report!
682
00:45:17,562 --> 00:45:20,122
-Our first category is...
-Workout trends.
683
00:45:20,722 --> 00:45:23,323
In... not wiping down the equipment.
684
00:45:23,403 --> 00:45:25,523
In... hurting your back.
685
00:45:26,202 --> 00:45:28,602
In... full bush in the locker room.
686
00:45:29,722 --> 00:45:31,323
And out...
687
00:45:31,403 --> 00:45:33,443
Jogging to Kelly Clarkson!
688
00:45:34,082 --> 00:45:36,483
Jogging to Kelly Clarkson,
you're out!
689
00:45:36,562 --> 00:45:37,923
So go to hell!
690
00:45:38,003 --> 00:45:39,883
She has a talk show now.
691
00:45:39,963 --> 00:45:43,003
So she doesn't have time
to motivate your juicy ass.
692
00:45:43,363 --> 00:45:47,202
You had your chance!
You blew it! Go to bed, bitch!
693
00:45:50,602 --> 00:45:51,923
Damn!
694
00:45:53,443 --> 00:45:55,003
You guys are so mad.
695
00:45:55,082 --> 00:45:57,082
Keep it down, Mike.
696
00:46:02,323 --> 00:46:04,323
And listen to our next category.
697
00:46:04,963 --> 00:46:06,242
Romance trends.
698
00:46:06,843 --> 00:46:10,162
In... kissing with tongue
and hands too.
699
00:46:10,923 --> 00:46:12,483
In... cheating.
700
00:46:12,883 --> 00:46:16,642
In... sticking your pinky
in new places.
701
00:46:18,122 --> 00:46:19,483
And out?
702
00:46:19,562 --> 00:46:21,843
Waiting outside the fitting room!
703
00:46:22,602 --> 00:46:25,003
Waiting outside the fitting room,
suck junk.
704
00:46:25,323 --> 00:46:28,883
While you're trying to rob her,
I'm getting a Wetzel's Pretzel, fool.
705
00:46:28,963 --> 00:46:33,923
Come out from the curtain
and kiss me or I'll kill you!
706
00:46:35,043 --> 00:46:36,762
Go to bed, bitch!
707
00:46:38,282 --> 00:46:40,282
Why do you keep sending
things to bed?
708
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:43,722
Because they have to get up
early for a flight... to hell!
709
00:46:46,963 --> 00:46:49,762
Alert. Important alert.
710
00:46:51,162 --> 00:46:52,963
We have our next category.
711
00:46:53,403 --> 00:46:54,883
Sound trends.
712
00:46:55,483 --> 00:46:56,682
In...
713
00:46:59,082 --> 00:47:00,323
In...
714
00:47:02,242 --> 00:47:03,883
In...
715
00:47:08,003 --> 00:47:09,323
And out?
716
00:47:12,923 --> 00:47:15,682
If you're going to sneeze,
just do it, show-off!
717
00:47:17,483 --> 00:47:20,323
Are you going to sneeze
or are you going to orgasm?
718
00:47:20,843 --> 00:47:24,043
And don't you dare tell me
"it passed."
719
00:47:24,122 --> 00:47:26,363
You better sneeze, bitch.
720
00:47:27,883 --> 00:47:30,122
Go to bed and never wake!
721
00:47:31,923 --> 00:47:33,722
What are you talking about?
722
00:47:43,202 --> 00:47:45,523
You are beautiful,
but you are stupid.
723
00:47:48,483 --> 00:47:51,562
-Next up, it's...
-Future trends.
724
00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:54,682
In... Eating pills inside cheese.
725
00:47:55,602 --> 00:47:58,523
In... asking someone,
"Would you like any Parmesan?"
726
00:48:00,963 --> 00:48:03,043
And what's going to be out
in the future?
727
00:48:03,642 --> 00:48:08,403
Well, Michael, the computer
has sadly ousted three trends.
728
00:48:08,963 --> 00:48:11,602
And you know that they have
to die for being out.
729
00:48:11,682 --> 00:48:14,082
Out is fancy derby hat.
730
00:48:14,162 --> 00:48:15,483
Shake Weight.
731
00:48:15,562 --> 00:48:17,483
And Michael Che!
732
00:48:18,682 --> 00:48:20,162
No!
733
00:48:20,963 --> 00:48:24,282
-The trend forecasters, everyone!
-Go to bed, bitch!
734
00:48:24,602 --> 00:48:28,043
-For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost. Good night.
735
00:48:36,803 --> 00:48:39,762
Hello and welcome to
"Lights, Camera, Achoo!,"
736
00:48:40,242 --> 00:48:44,043
a look back at some of the sickest
performances in film history,
737
00:48:44,403 --> 00:48:48,923
from Tom Hanks in "Philadelphia" to
Tom Hanks' girlfriend in "Forrest Gump."
738
00:48:49,883 --> 00:48:53,363
Tonight, we focus on the role
of Doc Holliday,
739
00:48:53,443 --> 00:48:57,803
made famous by Val Kilmer in "Tombstone,"
the Southern gentleman cowboy
740
00:48:57,883 --> 00:49:00,602
who keeps his raging tuberculosis
a secret.
741
00:49:01,122 --> 00:49:04,963
But did you know another actor
played Doc Holliday even sicker
742
00:49:05,043 --> 00:49:06,562
just the year before?
743
00:49:06,642 --> 00:49:09,483
Take a look at this scene
from the 1992 film
744
00:49:09,562 --> 00:49:11,323
"Cough, Cough, Bang, Bang."
745
00:49:13,443 --> 00:49:16,762
Well, if it isn't Earl, my favorite
bartender in the whole West.
746
00:49:17,443 --> 00:49:20,403
You got a free drink
for your old pal, don't you, Earl?
747
00:49:20,483 --> 00:49:22,443
My name is Greg.
748
00:49:23,162 --> 00:49:24,843
And my God.
749
00:49:25,363 --> 00:49:26,883
It's Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo!
750
00:49:27,682 --> 00:49:30,682
Their gang's been terrorizing
the whole Southwest.
751
00:49:31,363 --> 00:49:33,523
Alright, listen up.
752
00:49:33,602 --> 00:49:37,843
We heard an old lawman by the name of
Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.
753
00:49:38,323 --> 00:49:44,642
If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and
Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.
754
00:49:47,963 --> 00:49:50,722
Well, you can tell me yourself.
755
00:49:52,162 --> 00:49:54,363
Well, well, Wyatt Earp.
756
00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:57,682
Where's your little lap dog...
Doc Holliday?
757
00:49:59,602 --> 00:50:04,242
Well, I do declare I'd rather be
a lap dog than a yellow-bellied chic...
758
00:50:08,483 --> 00:50:10,162
Are you okay there, Doc?
759
00:50:11,642 --> 00:50:14,043
Oh, yeah. Just have a little
tickle in my throat
760
00:50:14,122 --> 00:50:17,003
and a bunch of blood on my face
and handkerchief.
761
00:50:18,963 --> 00:50:20,602
Which means I'm on the mend.
762
00:50:20,682 --> 00:50:23,483
Now, if I'm not mistaken,
you must be Curly Bill.
763
00:50:24,363 --> 00:50:26,923
Which makes you the infamous
Johnny Ringo.
764
00:50:28,122 --> 00:50:31,443
Word is you're the fastest gun
this side of the Mississipp'.
765
00:50:36,363 --> 00:50:39,722
Hey, Doc, are you sure you
should be out in public?
766
00:50:40,122 --> 00:50:41,803
Of course not.
767
00:50:44,043 --> 00:50:47,162
-You just seem like visibly sick.
-Nonsense!
768
00:50:48,363 --> 00:50:49,963
It's just allergies.
769
00:50:55,762 --> 00:50:58,642
Come on, man!
At least cover your mouth!
770
00:50:59,762 --> 00:51:02,642
Why? Are you afraid something
witty might come out
771
00:51:02,722 --> 00:51:05,483
and make your brain actually work
for a change?
772
00:51:06,602 --> 00:51:08,082
No, man.
773
00:51:08,162 --> 00:51:11,883
I think he's worried about catching
whatever insane illness you have.
774
00:51:12,443 --> 00:51:14,963
Sweat is pouring down your face,
man!
775
00:51:15,523 --> 00:51:19,523
Well, that's ridiculous. I have a normal
body temperature of 108.
776
00:51:22,282 --> 00:51:25,642
Now, can I interest any of you
gentlemen in a game of cards?
777
00:51:26,162 --> 00:51:29,363
I think you got some kind of
intestinal issue there, Doc.
778
00:51:30,762 --> 00:51:33,883
Ah, well, some mixed nuts
ought to settle my stomach.
779
00:51:34,642 --> 00:51:37,043
-Stop touching the nuts!
-I told you.
780
00:51:38,282 --> 00:51:40,282
I am not contagious.
781
00:51:40,803 --> 00:51:43,242
It's just a case of the sniffles.
782
00:51:47,562 --> 00:51:49,403
What the hell?!
783
00:51:50,443 --> 00:51:53,122
Dude!
Do you have, like, ebola?
784
00:51:54,602 --> 00:51:57,122
Hey there, Doc.
Ready for round two?
785
00:51:58,323 --> 00:52:01,282
Round two? You slept
with patient zero over here?
786
00:52:02,122 --> 00:52:05,242
Well, I think he's just sweaty
'cause I got him all worked up.
787
00:52:05,642 --> 00:52:08,843
Well, I confess I'm feeling
a stirrin' in my britches,
788
00:52:08,923 --> 00:52:12,963
which means I'm either aroused
or I need to change my diaper again.
789
00:52:13,602 --> 00:52:15,443
So you're wearing diapers now?
790
00:52:16,202 --> 00:52:19,323
My doctor said a lot of
30-year-olds wear diapers.
791
00:52:20,722 --> 00:52:24,963
Did anyone else eat that raw
snake at the cookout last week?
792
00:52:25,323 --> 00:52:27,642
Alright, get the hell out of here.
793
00:52:28,043 --> 00:52:31,443
Coming in here with your snake
flu, drinking from my cups
794
00:52:31,963 --> 00:52:34,282
and having sex with
my white daughter?!
795
00:52:34,602 --> 00:52:36,443
You know what?
796
00:52:37,202 --> 00:52:42,363
I'm going to end Doc Holliday's life right
now before God gets the satisfaction.
797
00:52:43,323 --> 00:52:46,082
Well, then, I might as well
have one last drink.
798
00:52:46,843 --> 00:52:49,162
Earl, you got any orange
Pedialyte?
799
00:52:50,282 --> 00:52:52,642
-This ain't no CVS!
-Fine!
800
00:52:53,562 --> 00:52:56,762
Then let's see who's really
the fastest gun in the West.
801
00:52:57,242 --> 00:52:59,043
One, two...
802
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,363
Three!
803
00:53:05,003 --> 00:53:07,803
I can't believe it!
You killed Doc Holliday!
804
00:53:08,843 --> 00:53:12,803
I mean, I guess it was more like
euthanasia, but...
805
00:53:13,122 --> 00:53:16,043
Well, yeah, that's 'cause Doc
didn't have a gun.
806
00:53:16,403 --> 00:53:19,443
He just pulled out a bottle
of pills labeled Valtrex.
807
00:53:19,923 --> 00:53:22,162
Oh, my God, he had herpes too?!
808
00:53:24,043 --> 00:53:27,282
On the bright side, you'll always have
something to remember me by.
809
00:53:33,963 --> 00:53:35,963
I liked it!
810
00:53:36,043 --> 00:53:39,562
For "Lights, Camera, Achoo!,"
I prefer to remain anonymous.
811
00:53:39,963 --> 00:53:41,443
Good night!
812
00:53:47,843 --> 00:53:51,162
Well, you did it. You got me to couple's
therapy. Let's see if this works.
813
00:53:51,242 --> 00:53:54,202
I promise it will, Ted. She's the highest
rated therapist on Zocdoc.
814
00:53:54,282 --> 00:53:55,923
This will be good for us.
815
00:53:57,963 --> 00:54:01,642
I am so sorry about that.
I was just on a call.
816
00:54:02,323 --> 00:54:04,282
I am Dr. Wyatt.
817
00:54:04,363 --> 00:54:07,483
And tell me, what brings you
in here today?
818
00:54:08,162 --> 00:54:10,682
I'm just not sure if Ted
really loves me anymore.
819
00:54:10,762 --> 00:54:13,523
He's always locked in his
basement, reading amine.
820
00:54:13,602 --> 00:54:15,003
It's manga, sweetie.
821
00:54:15,082 --> 00:54:18,082
It's only the most important art
form of the 21st century.
822
00:54:18,403 --> 00:54:20,323
What about me, Ted?
Am I important?
823
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:26,403
Guys, let's try to work together instead
of attacking each other, okay?
824
00:54:29,043 --> 00:54:31,202
I'm sorry, do you
mind if I take this?
825
00:54:34,682 --> 00:54:37,762
Bitch, I told you not to call me
while I'm working.
826
00:54:38,963 --> 00:54:41,523
Oh, really?
Oh, you gonna shoot me?
827
00:54:42,202 --> 00:54:45,963
Well, I'd like to see you try!
Come through, bitch! It's on site!
828
00:54:48,242 --> 00:54:53,323
Now, as I was saying, it is all
about communication.
829
00:54:53,722 --> 00:54:56,162
I'm sorry, did somebody
just threaten to shoot you?
830
00:54:56,523 --> 00:54:58,883
No, no, no. She doesn't even know
where I work.
831
00:54:59,642 --> 00:55:02,602
Have you always been
afraid of conflict?
832
00:55:03,323 --> 00:55:05,883
Well, I wouldn't put it like
that, I mean, I...
833
00:55:07,523 --> 00:55:10,923
-Do you need to get that?
-No. This is your time.
834
00:55:11,523 --> 00:55:13,003
Please continue.
835
00:55:13,082 --> 00:55:14,923
I mean,
I guess I don't love conflict.
836
00:55:15,003 --> 00:55:17,843
My father was an angry guy,
especially if he was drinking.
837
00:55:17,923 --> 00:55:21,242
Okay, I...
Actually I do have to take this.
838
00:55:21,602 --> 00:55:25,443
But hold that thought because
anger is never the answer.
839
00:55:28,202 --> 00:55:29,602
Yeah, ho, where you at?
840
00:55:30,722 --> 00:55:34,562
Okay, 'cause I'm at
453 Union Street, fifth floor.
841
00:55:34,963 --> 00:55:38,202
And there's three of us in here
and we all strapped!
842
00:55:42,682 --> 00:55:45,323
-Now, where were we?
-Honey, honey, what's strapped?
843
00:55:45,403 --> 00:55:48,122
-Are we strapped?
-No, no, we are not. Should we leave?
844
00:55:48,202 --> 00:55:49,642
Absolutely not.
845
00:55:50,003 --> 00:55:53,562
Matter of fact, this is the
perfect opportunity to practice
846
00:55:54,082 --> 00:55:55,682
expressing our emotions.
847
00:55:58,122 --> 00:56:00,282
Oh, let's try an exercise, okay?
848
00:56:00,363 --> 00:56:03,762
Why don't you read these texts to me
from my partner
849
00:56:03,843 --> 00:56:06,043
and tell me
how you would respond?
850
00:56:06,602 --> 00:56:08,403
Okay, fine.
851
00:56:09,242 --> 00:56:10,443
Uh, okay.
852
00:56:10,803 --> 00:56:13,363
-"Girrrrrl..."
-No. Don't do that voice.
853
00:56:15,403 --> 00:56:16,722
Okay.
854
00:56:17,443 --> 00:56:21,043
"Girl, you think you the only one selling
fish out in these streets,
855
00:56:21,843 --> 00:56:26,003
but I don't need your stinky tuna
when I get a beach full of fresh,
856
00:56:26,082 --> 00:56:28,043
pink salmon every
time it rains.
857
00:56:28,722 --> 00:56:30,602
I'm-a bring a gun to your office."
858
00:56:32,363 --> 00:56:33,963
Okay, I'm calling the police.
859
00:56:35,523 --> 00:56:36,722
She's not serious.
860
00:56:37,722 --> 00:56:40,122
-Oh, Lord, hit the floor!
-What?!
861
00:56:40,642 --> 00:56:43,242
-I thought you said she wasn't serious!
-She's not!
862
00:56:43,602 --> 00:56:44,843
What's good, bitch?!
863
00:56:44,923 --> 00:56:46,963
Now everybody's getting
super soaked.
864
00:56:47,043 --> 00:56:49,003
Oh, no, baby,
this is my work wig.
865
00:56:49,843 --> 00:56:52,082
-What is this all about?
-I don't know.
866
00:56:52,162 --> 00:56:55,202
Maybe you should ask "Clarisa."
Ain't that who you been texting?
867
00:56:55,562 --> 00:56:58,762
-I ain't been texting nobody.
-Actually, you did text Clarisa.
868
00:57:00,722 --> 00:57:02,762
That's it.
I'm about to get my real gun.
869
00:57:02,843 --> 00:57:04,642
No, no, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.
870
00:57:04,722 --> 00:57:08,003
Can you open the Clarisa text
and read her what I said?
871
00:57:08,602 --> 00:57:10,443
Me? Okay, sure.
872
00:57:12,602 --> 00:57:15,602
-"Girrrrl..."
-Do not do the voice.
873
00:57:16,642 --> 00:57:18,202
Fine.
874
00:57:18,282 --> 00:57:21,803
"Girl, you think I want your
two-day-old catfish
875
00:57:21,883 --> 00:57:26,282
when the tilapia I get at home is so wet,
it makes the river jealous?
876
00:57:27,843 --> 00:57:30,602
Lose this number or I'll set
your car on fire."
877
00:57:31,562 --> 00:57:34,003
Okay, I don't want to read
these out loud anymore.
878
00:57:34,883 --> 00:57:37,043
Baby, that's what
you were saying to her?
879
00:57:37,122 --> 00:57:38,403
Yes, baby!
880
00:57:39,483 --> 00:57:42,282
Okay. Well, then, okay.
I got a little text for you.
881
00:57:44,682 --> 00:57:47,323
Could you read that to me?
882
00:57:48,122 --> 00:57:50,003
-She could say it to you.
-Oh, come on, read it.
883
00:57:50,082 --> 00:57:51,963
-Read the damn text!
-Fine!
884
00:57:53,082 --> 00:57:54,323
-"Girl..."
-Wait.
885
00:57:55,082 --> 00:57:56,483
Give me the voice.
886
00:57:59,602 --> 00:58:05,923
"Girrrrl, why are we countin' fish when
our love is the whole damn ocean?
887
00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:13,003
Deep and wide and wet as hell."
888
00:58:14,883 --> 00:58:17,162
Oh, Ted, is that really how
you feel?
889
00:58:17,762 --> 00:58:19,122
I think so.
890
00:58:19,682 --> 00:58:21,162
Oh, my God.
891
00:58:21,923 --> 00:58:24,682
I think we have made a lot of
progress here today.
892
00:58:25,403 --> 00:58:27,483
You did all this on purpose
to help us?
893
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:30,282
Yeah. Let's just go with that.
894
00:58:31,562 --> 00:58:35,403
Okay, that'll be $675,
no insurance, cash only.
895
00:58:36,843 --> 00:58:38,282
Or else!
896
00:58:46,403 --> 00:58:48,523
Once again, Camila Cabello!
897
01:02:07,523 --> 01:02:10,722
Thank you, everybody!
898
01:02:16,323 --> 01:02:18,602
Truck stops have
the wildest stuff.
899
01:02:19,122 --> 01:02:21,883
Yeah, like "My other car is a gun"?
900
01:02:21,963 --> 01:02:25,762
Yeah, and who are the... who
are the weirdos still buying CDs?
901
01:02:26,162 --> 01:02:28,883
Well, truckers, that's who.
902
01:02:30,443 --> 01:02:32,043
Very cool.
903
01:02:32,682 --> 01:02:38,323
This one right here is a collection of
hits by my favorite truck drivin' crooner,
904
01:02:38,403 --> 01:02:39,963
Johnny Goblin.
905
01:02:40,043 --> 01:02:42,762
Yeah, I'm talking about
"Truck, You, You Truckin' Truck."
906
01:02:43,883 --> 01:02:46,682
42 songs all about truckin'.
907
01:02:47,363 --> 01:02:49,803
Great.
You mind if we just scoot past you?
908
01:02:49,883 --> 01:02:53,202
Songs include fender-bendin'
hits like "Trucker's Life."
909
01:02:55,483 --> 01:02:57,843
I'm peeing in a bottle
And I'm peeing in a Thermos
910
01:02:57,923 --> 01:03:00,043
And I'm peeing in a cup
And I'm peeing in a bucket
911
01:03:00,122 --> 01:03:02,483
And I'm peeing in a diaper
And I'm peeing out the window
912
01:03:02,562 --> 01:03:04,523
And the wind blows it back in my face
913
01:03:06,523 --> 01:03:08,003
Been there, done that.
914
01:03:08,883 --> 01:03:11,883
Get your hanky handy for this
heart-wrenchin' duet
915
01:03:11,963 --> 01:03:16,043
between trucker and trucker's wife,
featurin' Darlene Cuisine,
916
01:03:16,363 --> 01:03:17,963
"Don't Go Forgettin'."
917
01:03:20,682 --> 01:03:22,803
Gotta go back out on the road
918
01:03:23,483 --> 01:03:25,883
I'm gonna miss you till I get home
919
01:03:26,602 --> 01:03:28,762
And I'm asking you to remember
920
01:03:29,682 --> 01:03:31,963
You always got to remember
921
01:03:32,762 --> 01:03:34,762
Don't go forgettin'
922
01:03:35,363 --> 01:03:39,202
Which cup is your drink
And which cup is full of piss
923
01:03:41,963 --> 01:03:44,843
-Are all these songs about peeing?
-Well, not all.
924
01:03:45,602 --> 01:03:47,883
But many of them, yes.
Big part of the lifestyle.
925
01:03:51,122 --> 01:03:52,762
Okay, what was that?
926
01:03:52,843 --> 01:03:55,523
Ooh, that would be the
dreaded Ghost Trucker,
927
01:03:55,883 --> 01:03:57,923
featurin' Little Picky Dickens.
928
01:03:59,602 --> 01:04:01,323
Ghost Trucker
929
01:04:02,082 --> 01:04:03,843
Ghost Trucker
930
01:04:04,803 --> 01:04:07,602
No one can see him on the road
Ghost Trucker
931
01:04:09,323 --> 01:04:11,202
When the fog came rollin' in
932
01:04:11,602 --> 01:04:13,443
And this hog came rollin' out
933
01:04:14,003 --> 01:04:17,963
Reachin' down his pants
He starts to touch himself
934
01:04:18,443 --> 01:04:22,803
With the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
935
01:04:23,242 --> 01:04:26,003
People say his screams still
echo to this day
936
01:04:27,082 --> 01:04:29,122
Ghost Trucker
937
01:04:34,803 --> 01:04:37,762
And the old children's classic
"Blow That Horn."
938
01:04:40,562 --> 01:04:46,162
I see A little boy on an iPad
In a minivan next to mine
939
01:04:47,202 --> 01:04:52,602
He signals for me to blow my horn
And I happily oblige
940
01:04:53,602 --> 01:04:58,642
A smile comes across his face
I'm so happy I can make his day
941
01:04:59,602 --> 01:05:04,762
And the car in front of me gets startled
as hell and they veer off into a ditch
942
01:05:07,122 --> 01:05:08,443
No!
943
01:05:09,883 --> 01:05:11,483
Yes!
944
01:05:12,043 --> 01:05:14,363
And, of course, no collection
is complete
945
01:05:14,443 --> 01:05:17,082
without the trucker
standard "The Hitchhiker."
946
01:05:19,602 --> 01:05:24,242
A hot July day in 2015 down
Juárez, Mexico
947
01:05:25,162 --> 01:05:27,162
I'm truckin' along the highway
948
01:05:27,843 --> 01:05:30,202
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
949
01:05:30,923 --> 01:05:36,122
A mustachioed man, helps him
in the cab and he's only five feet tall
950
01:05:36,722 --> 01:05:39,003
Something 'bout him looks
so familiar
951
01:05:39,602 --> 01:05:41,923
Then suddenly I recall
952
01:05:42,003 --> 01:05:43,682
His name's El Chapo
953
01:05:44,963 --> 01:05:47,122
El Chapo
954
01:05:47,883 --> 01:05:52,883
Oh, God, I think I helped El Chapo
955
01:05:53,803 --> 01:05:58,363
He definitely helped El Chapo
956
01:06:01,082 --> 01:06:03,323
I'm El Chapo,
and this is a certified bop.
957
01:06:05,043 --> 01:06:06,963
"Truck You, You Truckin' Truck,"
958
01:06:07,043 --> 01:06:10,562
available only at Love's Truck Stops
off the I-40.
959
01:06:13,282 --> 01:06:14,682
Ghost Trucker
960
01:06:15,202 --> 01:06:16,923
Ghost Trucker
961
01:06:17,523 --> 01:06:19,202
Ghost Trucker
962
01:06:19,803 --> 01:06:21,483
Ghost Trucker
963
01:06:22,162 --> 01:06:23,762
Ghost Trucker
964
01:06:33,923 --> 01:06:39,923
Thanks to Camila Cabello, Willow Smith,
and the whole cast of "SNL."
965
01:06:40,562 --> 01:06:41,963
Thank you, all.
966
01:06:42,043 --> 01:06:44,963
Go out, try to live your life, enjoy.
Have a wonderful night!
967
01:06:45,043 --> 01:06:46,483
Thank you so much!
78698
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