All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E16.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

You're watching "Fox & Friends."

Good morning Vietnam!

Welcome to "Fox & Friends."
That's Brian Kilmeade.

Hello!

The Ainsley Earnhardt.

Y'all are going to kill me
with these jokes.

And I'm Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous
30 degree spring New York morning.

What a hellhole of a city.

-Brian, how was the weekend?
-Oh, very exciting, Steve.

I got on truth social.

President Trump's exclusive new
social media platform?

-Fancy. What's it like?
-You know, it's funny.

I downloaded the app, opened it,

and my phone immediately got
very, very hot.

Like over 140 degrees.

-Just from the app?
-Yeah. It burned my son, actually.

Anyway, truth social, five stars.

Okay. Guys, speaking of truths,
crush of the week, Ted Cruz.

Absolutely wiped the floor with
Ketanji Brown Jackson last week

by waving a children's book
at her.

-So powerful.
-Fatality.

I'm sorry, ms. Jackson,
but I am fo the first amendment.

Well, here to talk about that

and the supreme court are two
friends of ours.

Handling their own little
controversy this week,

Justice Clarence and Ginni Thomas.

-All right.
-Hi, friends.

Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas,
you were just in the hospital.

Is that right?

That's what they say.

Yeah. So what's going on?
You feeling okay?

I guess we'll see.

Yeah.
Folks were saying you had COVID.

But not true, though, right,
Justice T?

Everything's possible.

Justice Thomas, always playing it close
to the vest. I respect that.

Ginni, the left is currently losing
their minds

over a couple of completely
normal texts

you sent to your pal
Mark Meadows on January 6th.

-Is that right?
-It sure is.

And now they want the honorable
Justice to recuse himself.

I mean, you're allowed
to speak your mind.

Yes.
And I don't want any trouble.

I take my duty as the Yoko Ono
of the Supreme Court very seriously.

All I want is a tidal wave of
biblical vengeance to wash away

the Biden crime family all the way
to gitmo and then we release the kraken.

Okay.
Well, that is terrific.

Justice Thomas, she doesn't talk
to you about this stuff, though, right?

Some say yes, some say no.

Well, Justice T, it's so great to have
someone here

who isn't afraid to tell us
what he really thinks.

Who?

Well, you of course, sir.

You crazy, man.

Well, great.
Thank you both so much.

Now, later this afternoon on
Fox, it's "The Five."

Let's check in with co-host judge
Jeanine Pirro to see what's in store.

Hello, my only friends.

Later on "The Five," Disney has
an exciting new project.

Turning your kindergartner gay.

Last week governor Desantis signed a bill
protecting our precious Florida schools

from America's dangerous
Ellens and Caitlyns.

By the way, Caitlyn Jenner,
welcome to the Fox News family.

Now, woke Disney won't stop
until all of Disney world is packed

with Twinkerbells, Cinderfellas
and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative
Madison Cawthorn.

Oh, Madison.

You had me at white supremacy.
You lost me at orgy.

All that and Kyle Rittenhouse debuts his
new cookbook, coming up on "The Five."

Well, thank you so much, judge.
That sounds terrific as always.

You bet. Salud.

Love that.

Now, this is exciting.

I'm hearing we actually have a surprise
on the line. Am I correct?

Is he here? Hello?
Mr. President, are you on the Face-Time?

If you build it, I will come.
Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Mr. President. What a treat!

Thanks for fitting us into your
busy schedule.

Very busy, Steve.

Here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf
and the wedding receptions

and getting clumps of bacon
with tongs at breakfast bar.

Well, so much to discuss,
but I've got to ask, sir,

did you see the famous slap?

You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap.
I was very impressed by hitch.

Quite an arm on hitch.
I always knew hitch had an arm.

Back in "Pursuit of Happyness,"

he's lugging the machine on
and off the subway.

I thought it was great.

They slept in the bathroom
in that movie. It's so sad.

It's so sad.
But it's a sad night for hitch too.

That kind of behavior is not going to help
Kevin James get a date with Allegra Cole.

Absolutely.
Amen to that, sir.

Now, sir, the January 6th committee
is gearing up to make all sorts of claims.

So let's just put this to rest.
Did you commit a coup, sir?

No. You know what?
There was no coup. It was an event.

Perhaps a takeback event.
A coup perhaps.

But I don't like coup.
I just don't like coup.

I don't like the p at the end of coup.

You should take the p and push it.

If you take off p you have cow
which goes moo,

which is perhaps where they get coup.
But could coup.

Who do? Do what?
Remind me of the babe.

But it was an intentional
planned coup, yes.

Right. Okay.

They're saying there is this seven-hour
gap in White House call logs that day.

You didn't use a burner phone,
did you, sir?

No. Not true.

Never used burner phone except perhaps
on January 6th during that 74 period.

I couldn't even tell you what a burner
phone looks like, honestly.

I was too busy with phone call
and burner phone and coup.

Okay. Got you.
But let's be real, sir.

The left wants to paint January 6th
as some violent revolution.

-It wasn't.
-Could have been.

Should have been maybe.
Violent is perhaps good.

You know, they used to do
violent all the time.

You'd line up the opponents, you'd go
bing, bing, bing, shoot them dead.

So easy.

Solve so many problems.
You shoot them dead.

With a big fat beautiful
uncircumcised gun.

Now, that's what I call a coup.

Hey, by the way, did you hear this?
I got a hole in one.

-Did anybody hear that?
-Yes, yes. Congrats, sir.

-Please tell us about it.
-You know, I'd love to.

But my phone is getting
very, very hot to the touch.

-You've got truth social, sir.
-Yes indeed. Truth social.

The only app with a smell.

Thank you so much, sir.
We'll be right back

and live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!

It's "Saturday Night Live"!

With...

Aidy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate McKinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodin.

Chris Redd.

Cecil Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villaseñor.

Bowen Yang.

featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Musical guest Gunna.

And your host...
Jerrod CarMichael.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jerrod CarMichael!

Thank you.
Thank you very, very much.

I'm not going to talk about it.

I want to be clear up top.

I talked about it enough.

Kept talking about it.
Kept thinking about it.

I don't want to talk about it.
And you can't make me talk about it.

But I've got a question.
Do you want to talk about it?

Like aren't you sick of talking
about it?

Isn't it kind of crazy, it feels like
we've been talking about it for so long.

This is going to really blow your minds.

Can you believe,
it's been six days.

Six days.
This happened a week ago.

Doesn't it feel like it happened
years ago?

Like doesn't it feel like it happened
when we were all in high school?

Like it feels like it happened
between Jamiroquai and 9/11.

A long, long time ago.

Seems like we were living
in the wake-up our entire life.

It happened on Sunday.

-On Sunday.
-It's Saturday, bro.

On Monday it was exciting.
I'm not going to lie.

Monday, if this were Monday,

you wouldn't be able to get me
to shut up about it.

I was talking about it all Monday.

Tuesday, still talking about it.

A little less exciting because it stopped
being about it on Tuesday.

It started being about a lot
of proxy arguments.

Hair and Black men and White
people on Twitter.

It was too much by Tuesday.

By Wednesday I wanted to kill myself.

I don't really remember Thursday.

But by Friday, by Friday I made
a vow to myself.

I promised myself I would never,
ever talk about it again.

Then Lorne came
into my dressing room.

He was like, "I think you need
to talk about it."

He said the nation needs to heal.

Don't turn your back on me, Lorne.

The nation needs to heal.

I said the nation needs to what?
You want me to do that?

The nation don't even know me.
The nation has no clue who I am.

I have to be

the least famous host

in "SNL", like the least.

I was so excited to come here.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Just know those claps did
nothing for my self-esteem.

All you were doing was...
were you making it better?

I was happy. I was actually really happy
to come here and talk to you guys

and introduce myself.
I'm Jerrod CarMichael, by the way.

Hi, everyone.
Hello.

I have a new special out on HBO.

I really hope that you watch.

In the special I come out as gay.

Which is nice.

But an expected response in New York.

It's actually why I live here.

If you say you're gay in New York,

you can ride the bus for free
and people just give you pizza.

Honestly, if you're gay and you...
in New York,

you get to host
"Saturday Night Live."

No, no.

This is the gayest thing you
could possibly do.

Like I came out right onto the stage.

I basically... we're basically like in our
Andy Warhol fever dream right now.

Heal the nation?
I've been gay for like 48 hours, bro.

Like there's so much gay stuff I've got
to do before I can heal the nation.

I've got so many homophobic
cousins I can't even heal my family.

You want me to heal the nation?

I was excited.
I was excited to be here.

Like I had a lot of things planned.
Stuff I wanted to talk about.

Actually really... we've got time.
Really quick.

I don't know how often I'm ever
going to be on live TV,

and I know I'll never get to talk to him.
So I have to do this.

Barack Obama, you want to meet me
at camera 2 really fast?

Hey, B. What's going on, man?
You don't know me. I'm Jerrod.

Nice to meet you.

So real quick, you just
chilling right now?

Like you're just not...
you just writing books?

Which is nice. I bought the last one,
but it's like 900 pages and... anyway.

You got us all hopped up on hope
and change.

And unfortunately, I have some
news for you, Barack.

And you're not going to like this.

We need you back because I think
you're going to have to talk about it.

The nation needs to heal.

We have a great show tonight.

Are you excited?

Gunna is here, so stick around,
and we'll be right back.

And now it's time for your favorite
post-COVID game show.

Is my brain okay?

With your host, Lisa something.

Hello.

Welcome to the game all of us
play every day.

"Is my brain okay?"

Whether it was the year in isolation,

the two years without any semblance
of society,

or the virus itself physically
shrinking our brains,

one thing's for sure, we got stupid.

Before we get started,
let's meet our contestants.

Derek from Queens.
What did you do before COVID?

I was a marketing director
for IBM.

-And what do you do now?
-Mushrooms.

I get it.
I took a bunch before the show.

Jennifer from Indianapolis.
Tell us a fun fact about yourself.

Good, thank you.
How are you?

And Victor from New Mexico.
How are you feeling today?

Tired for no reason.

Terrific. Now, you all know how
the game works.

Every answer is something you
definitely knew before COVID.

But does your brain still remember it?
Let's find out.

First question, what is this called?

Remember?
Something you use to carry things.

-Bicycle?
-No.

-Might see it in the backyard.
-Farm bicycle.

No.
It's got a wheel in the front.

Wheel monkey.

Sorry.
We were looking for wheelbarrow.

-I knew that.
-You did. You did know that.

In 2019.
Now it's just a farm bicycle.

Okay, next question,
what day of the week is it?

That's easy.

-Tuesday?
-Nope. Not even close.

-What is Thursday?
-No.

And you don't have to phrase it
as a question.

No, I was genuinely asking.
What is Thursday?

-Derek, what day of the week is it?
-Okay.

I remember yesterday
was my birthday.

And my best friend texted,

"birthday on a Friday night, dog,
what are we doing to celebrate?"

And I got so anxious, I didn't respond
and went to sleep before 5:00 p.m.

So today must be Saturday?

Correct! Yes.
And bonus follow-up, Derek.

What month is it?

June.

Sorry. We would have accepted February,
March, April, or May.

But let's put 100 points
on the board for Derek.

Whoever has the most points at
the end will have that number

of stem cells injected into their brain
in the hopes of... what's the word?

The thing you do with cars.

-Tires.
-No.

When the battery's dead
you've got to like...

-Sell the car.
-No.

It... what you do with the cable.

Wheelbarrow?

No. Jumpstart.
Yeah.

The stem cells will jumpstart
your brain again.

Dammit, what's wrong with me?

-You're depressed.
-No, no.

-I wasn't really asking.
-You never felt more alone?

Stop guessing.

You want to call your therapist
but she blocked your number.

-How did you know that?
-You just give off that exact aura.

All right.
Let's give Derek 100 more points.

Which means he's unlocked a bonus question
that involves a mystery guest.

Derek, who is this?

Oh, that's easy. That's one
of my best friends from college.

And what's his name?

-He was one of my best friends.
-You said that.

But what's his name?

I know it's something regular
like Greg or... Steve, right?

We lived together
for three years, man.

Sorry, Derek.
The correct answer was Derek.

We've got the same name?

That was our whole thing, man.
D-1, D-2.

Damn, that's really bad, man.
I'm sorry.

We should grab a drink or something
sometime and catch up.

The sound of someone inviting
a friend to drinks

when they have no intention of ever
getting drinks means we're out of time.

So let's go to the final question
to determine if your brain is okay.

Contestants, write down
your answers, please.

If you had to talk to a person,
what's a good way to start?

And go.

All right. Let's see your idea of how
to start a conversation.

Jennifer, I noticed you wrote
with your tongue.

Well, there's still one
variant I haven't gotten.

Okay.

Jennifer said, "let me be inside
you, now."

And Jennifer, who do you imagine
saying that to?

Anyone from strangers
to parents.

Okay. Sorry. That's incorrect.
Your brain is not okay.

Victor, how would you start
a conversation? Let's see.

"Heaven must be missing an angel

because when I woke up there was
a glowing figure hovering over my bed.

I guess it could have been a ghost.

I'm worried I'm losing
my grip on reality."

Yes, I've given the ghost a name.
Bluebar.

Okay, well that's very incorrect.
Your brain is also bad.

When you talk, all I picture
is the skeleton inside your head.

Well, mama. Okay.
Derek, it's down to you.

And you wrote, "if you set the clock ahead
you don't have to be alive as long."

And you know something?

You're right.

-Oh, my god, I won?
-That's right.

You came up with a great way to
minimize the time we're awake and alive.

And you can choose your prize.

A two-week all-inclusive trip
to Hawaii

or you can go back
to your apartment and stay there.

Apartment.

They always say apartment.
Thanks for watching "Is my Brain Okay?"

If you've got to ask, it's probably not.
Good night.

These days when I sit down
to watch a movie,

I can find just about anything
in the world.

But night after night, there's only one
kind of movie I'm always looking for.

And that's a short-ass movie,
a really short movie...

Why this movie looks like a book?

The only one that is not sleeping is the
weird guy that picked the movie.

I stand by my choice.

It's so sad.

So think about this.

"Sex and the city 2" was two hours
and 26 minutes long.

To put that in perspective,

the movie "Jurassic Park" was two
hours and seven minutes long.

That was a movie that told the
history of dinosaurs,

how DNA works and explained the science
of bringing dinosaurs back to life.

And "Sex and the City 2,"

which was a movie about
four women we already knew,

was 20 minutes longer.

I'm not saying that's bad
or anything.

I'm just saying,
that's some crazy right?

How long was
"The King of Staten Island?"

It was like 2 hours and 17 minutes.

But we needed...
we needed all those minutes.

Hello, hello.
Shop TV home shoppers.

Dot and Rhett back live with y'all.

Dot and Rhett.
I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.

-Are you going to be a pill all hour?
-Maybe.

Okay, well, it's 5:00 p.m.,
which means it's time for squeal deals.

We asked y'all to find a new
squeal sound effect weeks ago.

Sounds like someone's getting
killed, Odell.

-It's chilling, Odell.
-Need something light.

Okay.
Later in the hour we love him here.

Thomas Parker nubs will unveil
his new line of Christian lunchboxes.

The artwork features Jesus
doing modern young person things.

Look at that. Is that Jesus?
Got on one of those Oculus vr Doodads?

Oh, kids are gonna flip.

Well, speaking of kids, our first squeal
deal today is an adorable doll.

Oh, is she gorgeous?

Yeah, and we have the designer here,
Mr. Kevin... now, is it Lickett?

Yes, sir.

My mama always said we was named
Lickett because we're so sweet.

That's adorable.
Kind of made me sad for some reason.

Tell us about this pretty lady here.

This is Riley Rainbow locks.

Get out.
What a clever name.

Student by day and magical
pop star by night.

I love that.

-Perfect role model for little girls.
-Or little boys.

We get in trouble
if we don't say that.

And here's the best part,

your child can cut and style
Riley's Rainbow locks however they wish.

And when they want to give her a new do,
you just turn this here,

and her hair grows.

Get out of town.
Well, that's amazing.

And you can get this pretty lady
for just $34.99.

Order within the hour and
you get an additional outfit

and two extra hair spools for free.

Now looks like shoppers are
already scooping her up.

Let's go to the shop TV phone lines.
Hi, caller.

Oh, my niece is going to love
this doll.

You know, what extra outfit does
she come with?

I'll show you.
By the way, Riley's very easy to change.

It's all velcro.
Just watch this.

A little change.

Now, what the hell?

Why does that doll have
a rainbow bush?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not a bush.

Sure looks like one to me.

That's a 1970s rainbow bush.

It's not. That's the end of the head spool
inside so you can see the spin.

It's an anchor point.
Any doll maker would know that.

Well, I'm not a doll maker.

So what I see is a thick-ass
rainbow vajafro.

I will be canceling my order.
Goodbye.

I didn't make a vajafro.

Y'all don't need to keep
saying vajafro.

You need it so the spool spins and
the hair on the head will grow back.

It's doll making 101.

Okay, if you're just joining us,
this is not private hair.

It anchors the spool inside.

Odell, can we maybe get
a product image?

Maybe throw that up while
we put Riley's outfit on.

You get Riley rainbow locks for the shop
TV exclusive price of just $34.99.

And look who's all dressed
and ready to hit the beach.

Riley is ready for summer
with this retro one-piece swimsuit.

Cute, cute, cute.

You know what, I might try
and stick in some of this business.

Don't do that.

-It's sticking out.
-I know.

But a grown man poking his
fingers around that area.

He said the doll's in college.

It doesn't matter if she's in college.

You know what, can we just cut
away from this close-up?

Let's talk to some people who
ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.

Yeah, caller, you're on with Shop TV.

This is a collect call from
a federal corrections facility.

Press 1 to accept this call from...
The Palmdale Pervert.

Hang up, Odell.

No thank you, we do not
accept that call.

Icky, icky call.

You know what, in fact, I think
I'm going to go ahead

and put the other Riley we've got here,
the one with clothes on... now, Kevin.

Tell us what happens if Rhylee
runs out of hair from the spool inside.

-Can it be replaced?
-It sure can.

It's very easy.

Sometimes part placement can be
a little hairy.

Look at you making a little joke.

So you just push the quick release
button here on the back.

Okay.

That is... that's kind of a
yucky place to put a button.

Well, it had to go there because it has
to connect to the panel latch.

Any doll maker would know that.

You keep saying that as if we're all doll
makers, but we're not, sweetie.

-You almost finished in there?
-Yeah.

Sorry. Button's stuck.
Sometimes you've got to wiggle it.

Oh, her pretty face is facing
the camera.

Let's check those sale numbers.

Items sold.
Oh, my god.

These are selling like hotcakes,
right now.

Sometimes it helps if you
release the latch

and pull the head hair
at the same time.

Why would you go...
we can't show that!

We're moving on.

After the break our next Shop TV
squeal deal.

That's a worse sound effect, Odell!

Oh, no way.
Will Smith?

Excuse me, Mr. Smith?

I know I'm not supposed to talk to you.
I'm just a seat filler.

But I wanted to say I am
a huge fan, man.

Thank you, man.
That means a lot.

I love all of your movies.
"Pursuit of Happyness" is so inspiring.

-I just showed it to my son.
-I love that, man.

That's what it's all about.

And no joke, "Getting Jiggy with It"
is my ring tone to this day.

That's hilarious.

I don't want to sound corny
but you're my hero, man.

This is the coolest night of my life.
I'm talking with Will Smith.

Chris Rock just got up on stage.
Can I get a selfie real quick?

Of course.

Jada. I love you.

G.I. Jane 2.
Can't wait to see it.

I'll be right back, man.

So where are you from, man?

-Nowhere, man.
-I like your tux.

By the way, look good, feel good.
Am I right?

Keep my wife's name out your mouth!

Man, I love the Oscars, man.
I love movies, man.

I just saw "Paddington 2."
Best movie I've ever seen.

I love that little bear.
One second.

Keep my wife's name out your mouth!

What about a selfie, man.

-That's okay.
-Come on, man, let's do it.

No, I deleted my phone.

-Enjoy the show, man.
-Bathroom line is crazy.

What'd I miss?

Oh, my god.
We're right next to Will Smith?

I've got to Tweet this.

Woah, and he's trending.

Oh, my god.

Nice to meet you, man.
I'm Will. What's your name?

I don't... they didn't give me one.

That's weird.

Amy Schumer's being hilarious, right?

-Hey, who's your favorite comedian?
-Chri... nobody.

-I don't think anything is funny.
-What about you?

Who's your favorite comedian, man?

-Dory.
-Who?

"Finding Dory."

Your favorite comedian is
"Finding Dory"?

Well, she is a funny fish.

Richard Williams was a fierce
protector of his family.

Okay.

I'm going to say that
in my speech, man.

-Okay.
-Okay, what else should I say?

-Love makes you do crazy things?
-What was that?

-Love makes you do crazy things.
-That's good. I'm going to use that.

-I'm going to credit you.
-Please don't.

The last couple years have
been crazy. With COVID.

The zoom meetings.
The red table top.

Y'all ever seen red table top?

-Nah, I've never...
-I haven't seen anything, actually.

Hey, don't answer that man!
Let it ring.

Everything is normal, y'all!

Ladies and gentlemen, Gunna.

It's "Weekend Update"
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.
Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Intelligence officials are saying that
Vladimir Putin is being misinformed

by his advisers about how badly the
Russian military is performing in Ukraine.

Which is kind of like Will Smith's
agent telling him,

"you crushed it at the Oscars."

Will Smith, for those of you who
don't know,

walked on stage during the Academy Awards
and slapped Chris Rock

after he made a joke
about Jada Pinkett-Smith,

which I think was a disgraceful
act that sets a terrible precedent

for having to defend
your wife at awards shows.

During his acceptance speech Will Smith
said "love will make you do crazy things."

You know what else makes
you do crazy things? Crazy.

But I understand where
Will's coming from.

I mean you can't expect him
to sit there

and watch another man
jump all over his wife.

Without signing an NDA.

Yesterday Will Smith resigned

from the Academy of motion
pictures arts and sciences.

He wasn't going to.
But then Jada gave him that look.

If Will Smith had been expelled,

he would have joined a small group of
people kicked out of the Academy

including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski,
and Harvey Weinstein.

Or as they're also known,
"Bad Boys for Life."

Can we stop pretending everybody
knew Jada had Alopecia?

As much as we heard about Jada
and Will's personal lives,

you can't expect us to retain everything.

It's like Kanye saying "don't act like
y'all didn't know I had psoriasis."

Just selfishly as a comedian

I'm tired of people putting their
insecurities on my joke intentions.

I can't make a joke about it being cold
outside without somebody yelling back,

"stop making fun of my small penis!"

Keep my small penis...

Go ahead. I'm sorry.

I also really love that the reason they
let Will Smith stay in the audience

was that they asked Chris Rock
and he said it was okay.

So now we just ask the victim
right after they get hit in the head?

"Hey, are you cool if the guy who just
attacked you hangs around for a while?

You don't want to make him
mad again."

I can't believe the Academy has a worse
concussion protocol than the NFL.

And honestly, I can't even blame
the Academy for not knowing what to do.

Nobody knew what to do.

Even people at the Oscars were googling,
"Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?"

I think we should just acknowledge that
that was one of the craziest things

we will ever see in our lives.

It's truly like the Super Bowl
wardrobe malfunction

but if Janet's nipple
slapped Timberlake.

Not to mention,

Chris Rock has been very public about
his non-verbal learning disorder.

Which means it's hard for him
to understand non-verbal signals.

Sort of like how when he saw an
angry Will Smith charging toward him

instead of moving out of the way he put
both his hands behind his back,

smiled and said, "uh-oh."

And in non-Oscars news, republican
congressman Madison Cawthorn,

who's the one on the right,

said in a recent interview
that 70-year-old republicans

invited him to an orgy and did
cocaine in front of him.

Wait, so you went
to the old man orgy?

And you thought the weird
part was drugs?

Senator Lindsey Graham, seen here
picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn...

Said that Ketanji Brown Jackson is a
person of exceptionally good character

but he would not support her
for the Supreme Court.

So like many southern gentlemen,

he's comfortable with Black folks
until they want to move in next door.

U.S. Officials are concerned that Vladimir
Putin is keeping military units positioned

near Kyiv despite earlier promises
to withdraw.

Putin's failure to pull out has earned him
the nickname Nick Cannon.

Several republican senators were
criticized for asking

irrelevant, sensational questions during
the Supreme Court confirmation hearing

of judge Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Here to comment is one of those
senators, Marsha Blackburn.

Hello, Colin.

What a week!

All anyone is talking about are
these confirmation hearings.

Oh, we crushed it.

So many great, smart questions.

Are babies racist?

Is murder bad?

And those are real questions that my
fellow republicans asked an adult judge.

Right, yeah.
And what did you ask her?

I hit her with the coup
de grace.

You ready for this?

Define woman.

-Define woman?
-Define woman.

And she couldn't do it.
I mean, huh?

Well, it's kind of a nuanced,
complicated question.

-Complicated how?
-Well, okay.

-How do you define woman?
-Are you jerking my perm?

You honestly don't know?
Colin, it's biology, Colin.

It's your private parts.

The ones you have when you're born.

But just the bottom private
parts because the ones later...

okay, I'm going to...
it's your period.

Unless you're old or young.
Or pregnant. Or stressed out.

Or doing gymnastics. No, scratch that.
I'm going back to baby privates.

-Final answer.
-Baby privates?

It's not just biology.
Okay?

Woman is cheerleader,

nurse, teacher, prostitute.
Come on. You've seen them.

They're the ones that be shopping.

I really don't know what
you're talking about.

Yes, you do.
Woman is like...

And man is like uh!

-You're not making any sense.
-You are just not getting it.

Let me show you.

Don't we love these big stupid
dumb-ass boards

with these big
stupid dumb-ass pictures?

Come on, look how simple it is.
The color pink.

The ones with beehive hairdos
and a part side.

It's longer thinner cigarettes.

You know, they're having fun
dancing around in a commercial

for underwear you can pee in.
Do you get it yet?

I think I get it less.

Okay.

Why is defining woman even
relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Are you kidding? It is the most important
thing for a Supreme Court Justice.

Because if you don't know
what a woman is,

how the hell are you going to take her
rights away? Can I get an amen?

No. Marsha Blackburn.

Someone said they want to set
me on fire.

Press secretary Epijen Psaki is reportedly
leaving the White House to join MSNBC.

Damn! She's still at work
and has her next job lined up.

That's as crazy as some of the sketches on
"that Michael Che" this summer on HBO MAX.

Workers at the Adamson warehouse
in Staten Island voted to become

the first Amazon workers in the country
to form a union.

The new union explains
Amazon's new slogan.

"It would be a real shame if something
happened to your package."

According to a new study,
men who eat too much meat

are raising the risk
of becoming infertile.

On the other hand, this dude has
five kids that we know of.

The conservative media organization
said they will spend $100 million

to create children's programming to
counter woke media companies.

Programs will include
"Clifford the big straight dog."

"Encanto," but in English.

And "one fish, two fish, that's how
many fish genders there are."

Wildlife officials say that a flamingo
that escaped

from a Kansas Zoo 17 years ago
has been spotted in Texas.

Or, and hear me out.
Flamingos look like other flamingos.

Wildlife officials in Tennessee have
captured a 500-pound black bear

living on a college campus.

A black bear that, let's face it,

took the spot of more deserving
white and Asian bears.

In a recent interview
Tyler Perry revealed

that he has used his Madea voice
while having sex.

Damn!
Dude must like sex dry as hell.

A new study shows that in the
past 20 years prediabetes

in children has more than doubled.

Thanks largely to the popularity
of mountain dew breast milk blast.

Last week's altercation between Will Smith
and Chris Rock at the Oscars

seems to have divided Hollywood, with
many celebrities publicly taking sides.

Here to comment is...
and he wrote his own intro.

Heisman trophy winner and star
of "Naked Gun," O.J. Simpson.

"SNL."

Well, it's always good to hear
applause for O.J.

Hi, O.J. So whose side are you on,
Chris Rock or Will Smith?

Oh, now Michael, you know me.
I hate conflict.

They both seem like good guys.

But honestly, I didn't even
understand Chris Rock's joke.

What the hell is G.I. Jane?

-Oh, that's just a movie from the '90s.
-The '90s?

Oh, I don't remember nothing
from the '90s.

That whole decade is my n word.

Anyhoo.

In my humble opinion, Will Smith might
have overreacted by slapping Chris Rock.

I mean, will, I don't want
to say that you got rage issues.

But hey, if the glove fits.

I'm just saying.

-So you're on Chris Rock's side?
-Well, I didn't say all that, Michael.

I mean, Chris ain't exactly
innocent either.

Nobody likes to be made fun of.

I mean you might be too
young to remember

but people used to make
a lot of mean jokes about me.

Really?
About what?

All kind of stuff.

Sometimes jokes can go too far.

Especially when it's about
a man's family.

Because like Will Smith said
in his speech,

love will make you do crazy things.
Allegedly.

So you're on Will Smith's side.

I already said I'm not
anybody's side, Michael.

-Don't you be accusing me of...
-All right, I ain't accusing you, man.

Sorry.
Might have lost it I little bit there.

Whenever people accuse me of
stuff it makes me just want too...

anyhoo.

I just want to give them
brothers some advice.

Whenever you feel anger bubbling
up inside,

instead of reacting just do what I do,
take a nice long drive.

Or maybe let a friend drive you
around so you can lay down in the back

and call the news stations.

O.J., some people are saying the Academy
should take away Will Smith's trophy.

-You ain't taking my trophies!
-Relax, man. Calm down.

Sorry about that, Michael.

Can I make a big confession
that's been a long time coming?

Yes. Please.

-I didn't watch them Oscars.
-O.J. Simpson, everybody.

I'm just saying, man.

-For "weekend Update" I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost. Good night.

-I can't believe he's really gone.
-He isn't gone, son.

Pop-pop will always live on
inside of all of us.

-That's beautiful.
-Well said, sir.

Well, sweetie, are you ready
to say good-bye?

Yeah.

But first I want to share
something with you guys.

This spot was where pop-pop
would take me after my ball games.

Believe it or not, I wasn't much
of an athlete.

Okay, okay.

But pop-pop, he'd take me here,

he'd point out to the sea and say,
"son, life is like the tide.

There's highs and lows but
eventually it all washes away."

I'm going to miss you, dad.

That's a beautiful story,
Mr. Klein.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank all of you for allowing
us at Boudreau's mortuary

for allowing us to be part
of this moment with you.

Now if you're ready, please bow your
heads as we scatter the remains.

Ready?

Oh god, no!

These moments are always so hard.

We'll give you folks some space.

What the hell did you just do?

We said good-bye to pop-pop.

He was supposed to be cremated!

Who was?

My father.

He was supposed to be cremated,
not chucked off a cliff.

Okay.

-So that was not relayed to us.
-Yeah.

But in a way wasn't this kind of better?

I'll speak on that.

Well, you got the body aspect
of a burial but we still got to throw him.

Yeah. I like that.

Time for the dreaded check.

Damn you, sir!

Who's the boss around here?
You, I assume?

-Just kidding, sport. Maybe...
-Do not touch me, man!

Absolutely.
Sir, whenever you're ready.

We're not going to pay for this.

May I ask why?

You threw my father-in-law
off a cliff!

Okay.
See, I thought we resolved that.

-No, we did not!
-Honey, calm down. Your condition.

Okay. You know what?
I feel like you guys are mad.

How about I just go get him?

So what you guys got cooking
up this weekend?

I really don't want to talk
about that.

-Why did you bring an urn?
-Oh, this? This isn't an urn.

It's soup.

-You keep soup in an urn?
-No, it's a thermos.

It looks like an urn.
I got it at the mortician's conference.

-I got him.
-Good job, man.

-What were you guys talking about?
-They were just talking about the urn.

Oh, the thermos?
Pretty cool, right?

No, it isn't.
It's not cool!

Jesus, just get the body back!

Don't worry, sir.
I got pop-pop right here.

That isn't pop-pop.

That's clearly a young cyclist.
He's wearing those little shoes.

Okay. And that's a dealbreaker
for you guys?

Yes.

All right.
I'll just put him back.

So hey.

-You think I can get some of that soup?
-Oh, hell, yeah. Heads up.

It's shrimp bisque.

Anyway, his name is Adnan Syed

and the podcast is about like
whether he did it or not.

That is insanely cool.

And Bradford, Katie was saying
this is your first time in New York?

Yeah.
It's been really awesome.

The city's like really interesting.

I'm just trying to show my favorite cousin
what the Big Apple's all about.

-Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
-Oh, Brian!

-Brian, this is my cousin Bradford.
-Nice to meet you.

-Guys, I had the craziest morning.
-Oh, my god! What?

Tell us. Brian's our college friend.
He has like the best stories.

Okay.
That's amazing.

Bear with me. So I'm having coffee
with my boss Anthony.

Okay.

Right.
I mean, we do that a lot.

But we're at this French spot
by the office.

Here we go. French?

Great.

Yeah, it's just a cool little cafe
we go to every couple weeks.

-Right, right, right.
-Anyway.

The waiter comes up to us and he's like
hey, we made this extra cheese crepe.

-Do you guys want it?
-Oh, no.

I think I see where this is going.
This is... please, please.

Sorry. Just let me... I'm just going
to finish the story real quick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.

So we accept the crepe.
Why not?

-I put my fork in.
-I've got like a mental picture right now.

-This is amazing.
-Bradford. Come on.

Turns out it's triple chocolate.
Keep in mind it's 11:00 a.m.

Oh, my god!
Because I thought it was later.

No!

Yeah. I'm like dude said it was cheese.
What's going on here?

It's the French waiter.
Was he like high on dope or something?

What? No. I'm getting to it.

By the way, so New York.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I looked over.

Who's sitting at the bar
with a sly grin on his face?

The French waiter.

-No.
-Obama?

-What? No.
-Okay, wait, wait.

-Don't tell me it was Frank.
-It was Frank.

-Oh, my god, Frank!
-That is hilarious.

Frank?

Wait. Who's Frank?

He's just our friend.
He's a bit of a prankster.

That is... I've never heard
anything like that.

Kind of funny.

Anyway, how are you guys?
How was Mexico?

-Oh, my god! It was so fun...
-Wait, wait, wait.

So then what happened?

-What do you mean?
-Did your boss just wig out?

He's like knocking over the table
like ah, everyone's fired!

Nope. It's pretty much the end
of the story, man.

But the French waiter was
high on dope, right?

-What? High on dope?
-No.

Everything was normal.

It was just a dumb story.
Can we talk about something else?

Sorry. I thought the French waiter was
high on dope the whole time.

Still amazing.

The place was French.

Not the waiter.
I never said the waiter was French.

-Sorry.
-It's fine.

-Anyway, you said Mexico was good?
-So good.

Turns out yoga retreats are relaxing.
Who knew?

Didn't mean to call
the waiter French.

My bad.

-Sorry again.
-All good, dude. Let's just drop it.

We're moving on.

Bradford had a great time at the Met.
It was so cool, right?

I really did love the story, man.

Thanks.
I appreciate that.

What was the name of the crazy boss again?
Was it Anderson?

It was Anthony. We don't need
to talk about it anymore really.

Anthony. It's just like
the perfect name for it.

Really sorry if I screwed up
the story.

Bradford. It's fine.

No.
It's actually not.

Brian, your story was amazing.

It had great characters.

And the part where the crepe
isn't cheese was unbelievable.

And then I messed
the whole thing up.

I don't deserve to be your friend.

Dude, we just met.

-Honestly, it's fine.
-No, it's not.

Lunch is on me.

And I want to pay your rent
for the rest of the year, too.

-What? That's super generous, man.
-Here's a check for $1,000.

That ought to do it.

That's not even enough
for one month's rent.

Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Well, see you.

Once again, Gunna.

It's so sweet. You got these onesies
for all the kids.

You know he's going to be a
heartbreaker just like his dad.

Oh, look. They're like a tiny
little baby couple.

Not to assume. Maybe that's weird
for you guys. I'm sorry.

No, we think it's cute.

You love seeing your little
one as a future heartbreaker.

But what if you don't want to assume
your baby's going to be straight?

Now you don't have to.

With the new formed this way
line from Oshkosh B'Gosh.

Your little tyke will look adorable
without being so exclusive.

With sayings like "future twink."

"Lil' les."

"Messy dj."

And "in the closet"
because I can't walk.

I pray to god my son is gay.

I would love that.

Born this way has designs your baby
will love. Like wordplay.

Rock-a-bi baby.

My mommy had a daddy.

Political statements.

I love milk.
Harvey milk.

R.I.P.

Silence equals violence.
But crying equals hungry.

Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

And Butch.

Oh, what is this?
A tiny belt loop for a ring of keys?

This slays.

Some parents force their kids
to wear little sports jerseys.

My son can be whoever he wants.

Imagine boxing a child into something
that doesn't feel right.

I would hate that.

It's so archaic to pierce your
baby's ears for their baptism.

Our kids will never have to conform
to something they don't want.

Thanks, born this way.

It looks like they're dating.

Oh, please.
They're not exclusive.

You know how gay guys are.

Born this way.
From Oshkosh B'Gosh.

Oh, relax.
It's not like they can read.

I've got to say this has been one
of the best weeks of my life.

Thank you very, very much.

The crew, the amazing cast.

Lorne and the cast of writers.

Thank you very, very much.

Future, Gunna.
Thank you.

Thank you guys.
Have a great night.