All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E14.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

And now, live from Mar-a-Lago,

it's the "Fox News Ukrainian invasion
celebration spectacular!"

With your hosts, Tucker Carlson
and Laura Ingraham!

Good evening!
I'm Tucker Carlson.

I'm like a pair of boat shoes
came to life.

And I'm Laura Ingraham.

And when I watch "Harry Potter"
I root for Voldemort.

We got into a little bit of trouble
for all the nice things we said

about Russia and the mean
thing we said about Ukraine.

We did sound pretty awful
in hindsight.

And foresight.

I kept asking why do
we hate Putin?

Aren't liberals in America even worse?

And I called the president
of Ukraine pathetic.

He stayed and fought with his
people in the war

and I called him pathetic
from a news desk in Washington.

I kept saying we should be more worried
about our own border

getting invaded by Mexico.

But in my defense, I am racist.
So I thought that was true.

But tonight we're going
to make it up you.

We're raising money for the real
victims of this invasion.

The oligarchs.

Because we need to think about
the babies.

Their sugar babies.

Who will pour vodka
in their mouths?

So many horny mouths to feed.

So please open your wallets
and because this is Fox News

you can either send money or take
out a reverse mortgage.

So far we've raised over 8.3 billion
rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

And this is incredibly exciting.

Former and current president of
the United States Donald Trump

is manning the phone
lines himself.

And the thing is about Rihanna,
she can pull it off.

She can be nine months.
The body's still incredible.

But now you're going to have
a lot of women week,

seeing this right now, 3s, 4s,
frankly trolls,

wearing the same
see-through shirt.

I hesitate to say whales
because I know the whales,

I'm very popular with the whales.
I do great with whales.

They come up to me on the beach
and they say: Thank you, Mr. President.

The blowholes blasting away.
200, 300 feet in the air.

It's how they salute me.

Okay.

We'll come back to you, Mr. President,
because our first guest is here.

He's a great American patriot.

So great that he left America
and became a Russian citizen.

The puffiest action star
in the world, Steven Seagal.

Thank you.
Thank you, Tucker.

Oh, what a global crisis
we are facing.

As someone who proudly pretends to be both
native American and Japanese,

I feel for all people.

Now, you're close with
president Putin, right?

Yes. Putin and I are, as they say in
ancient Japan, eskimo brothers.

So I will be honoring Putin by performing
an authentic taekwondo exhibition.

Now it's time to honor myself with a
traditional Japanese shamrock shake.

The traditional seasonal beverage
of all aikido exhibitions.

Let's check back in with the man who said
Putin's invasion was very smart

and also said China
should invade Taiwan next.

Mr. President?

My favorite food is probably bread.

And more specifically bun.
I like bun.

Bun is great.
Especially with respect to burger.

Nothing could go beyond burger.
Can you believe that?

I want to stay right at burger.

Beyond is not good.

Joe biden has gone beyond burger
and it has not gone so well.

And you know what?
Neither has reboot of fresh prince.

It's very different and I'm laughing and
I'm laughing but I don't know why.

Okay. I do hear a dial tone on the
other end of that phone.

So let's hear what kind of prizes
we're giving away tonight.

Laura, we're sending every Russian
soldier a Fox News care package.

And that includes a My Pillow,
a six-month subscription to Lifelock,

and ten American flag catheters.

All courtesy of tonight's sponsor,
Acorn Stairlifts.

You're going to heaven soon.
Practice going up with Acorn Stairlifts.

Now please welcome America's
first couple,

the real prince Harry
and Meghan Markle.

Don jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle.

They're going to be performing a duet

in honor of Russia and Ukraine
coming together.

Tell me something boy

Don't you love that big Russian convoy

Or do you need more

This invasion gets me so damn hard

In the shallow shallow

We're far from the shallow now

I'm on the deep end

We should take Ukraine
Way more white than black

I'm going to cut that one
a little short. Thank you, guys.

Is there a bathroom
with a mirrored counter nearby?

Yeah, man, it's Mar-a-Lago.

Guys, I do have a quick
announcement.

Is anybody driving a yacht with
a license plate NYET means da?

Your boat is currently being
towed by NATO.

Also, Putin has just criminalized
free speech

and shut down all independent
news organizations.

So I'm thinking can we please do
that to CNN?

Every time I laugh an angel dies.

Now let's take a quick break.

When we come back we'll be
giving away a free T-shirt.

That's right.
The front says "I'd storm the capitol."

And the back says "this does not
constitute an admission of guilt."

And plus win tickets to see Matt Gaetz
do a live reading

of his favorite Russian novel,
"Lolita."

And I've got something
I'd like to say to Putin as well.

Vladimir, I want you to hear
this from me.

You are smart. You is kind.
You is important.

And here's a little song
from me to you.

My funny Valentine

Sweet comic Valentine

You make me smile with my heart

Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable

Yet you're my favorite work of art

Thank you...

Is your figure less than greek

Is your mouth a little weak

When you open it to speak

Are you smart?

All right.
That's more than generous...

Don't change a hair for me

Not if you care for me

Stay little Valentine stay

Each day is Valentine's Day

-I love you, Vlad.
-I know. He loves you too.

And live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!

It's "Saturday Night Live."

With...

Aidy Bryant.

Michael Che.

Pete Davidson.

Mikey Day.

Chloe Fineman.

Heidi Gardner.

Colin Jost.

Kate Mckinnon.

Alex Moffat.

Kyle Mooney.

Ego Nwodin.

Chris Redd.

Cecil Strong.

Kenan Thompson.

Melissa Villaseñor.

Bowen Yang.

featuring...

Aristotle Athari.

Andrew Dismukes.

James Austin Johnson.

Punkie Johnson.

Sarah Sherman.

Musical guest Charli XCX.

And your host, Oscar Isaac.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Oscar Isaac!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.
I'm so excited to be here.

This is my first time hosting "SNL."

Thank you.

They actually asked me to host back
in 2015 but I said "no, I'm not ready.

I want to wait until after
the pandemic."

And they were like,
"what pandemic?"

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name
is Oscar Isaac Hernandez Estrada.

I said to Hollywood, I said to them,
"you can pick two of these names."

Guess what they went with.

The white ones.

I'm half Guatemalan, half Cuban.

Or as casting directors call
that, "ethnically ambiguous."

According to them,
I can play anything

from a pharaoh
to Timothee Chalamet's daddy.

You know that joke, a priest, a rabbi,
and a minister walk into a bar?

Yeah, I could play anyone in
that joke.

But I am excited. I'm joining the Marvel
Universe with "Moon Knight."

You know, it's kind of a full
circle moment

since the first movie I was ever
in was called "The Avenger."

Not "The Avengers," which
was a massive blockbuster.

No, this was "The Avenger,"
which is a movie that I wrote,

directed, and starred
in when I was 10 years old.

It was shot on location in my
buddy Bruce Ferguson's back yard

in our hometown of Miami,
Florida.

I play a ninja assassin training
to fight his nemesis.

And we actually have a clip.
This is real, check this out.

Okay, there's the opening title.

And there I am.
Kind of losing my balance a little bit.

Perfect editing.

And here comes my big stunt.
I trained two months for this.

I mean, arguably better than the
real "Avengers."

And I made it for half the budget,
only $110 million.

But I took it really seriously.
Maybe a little too seriously.

Like in this scene.

Okay, there I am acting my heart out.

And there's my friend's dad
cleaning the pool.

Shout-out to Mr. Ferguson,
and shout-out to my buddy, Bruce.

He's at home watching and he had no idea
our old movie was going to be on "SNL."

I actually had to sign a licensing
agreement to show it.

That's true. NBC Universal
now owns "The Avenger."

Coming this fall to Peacock!

I've got one more clip.

This is a scene I did with myself
where I play both parts.

Okay?
Here we go.

That's me.

I'm my own henchman.

Now watch what I do with
the sword.

Total commitment from the start.

Now, you might be asking, Oscar,
why did you use your monologue

to show us these old home
videos?

And the reason is it's important
to encourage kids to be weirdos.

Because every once in a while

one of those weirdos grows up
to host "SNL."

We've got a great show
for you tonight.

Charli XCX is here. So stick around.
We'll be right back.

Paw Patrol!

As mayor of Adventure Bay,
I hereby present the Paw Patrol

with this medal of bravery for stopping
that out-of-control hot air balloon.

With you pups on patrol,
our city is in good hands.

Don't you mean good paws?

Enough is enough.

I'm city councilman
Herb Tangier.

Mayor Goodway has put all our lives
at risk with her Paw Patrol initiative

and I say it's time
to vote her out.

Fact! This man fired all of our city's
police officers, firefighters,

and paramedics, and replaced
them with a group of six talking dogs.

I think that was a bad idea.
And I'm not alone.

Listen to these concerned
citizens.

I was excited about
the Paw Patrol at first.

Talking dogs who know how
to fly jets and drive?

Great.

But it's become clear that six
dogs cannot protect a city

roughly the size of San Diego.

Criminals and low-lifes are flocking here

because they know there's only one cop
patrolling our streets and it's a dog!

And there's only one firefighter,
also a dog.

So if there's two fires
at the same time?

Someone's getting screwed, I guess?

Who is in charge
of this organization?

A child?

Yes!

The Paw Patrol is run
by a 10-year-old boy named Ryder.

Who is this kid?
Beats me!

As far as we can tell, he has no
parents and doesn't go to school.

But maybe that's for the best,

because with all our tax dollars paying
for a little cockapoo's jet pack,

we now have the worst
schools in the state.

This is my 17-year-old son.
He can barely read.

I can read, I just don't know
what sound vowels make

when they're next to other letters
in a line.

Mayor Goodway, this is all
your fault and you need to go!

Fact. Our city's COVID response was
a national disgrace. Why?

Because six dogs were
in charge of it.

Fact. Chase the police dog's only
weapon is a net.

Question, how is a net going to help

if a lunatic on bath salts
is eating my face?

Answer?
It won't.

Fact, Marshall the fire dog
is my favorite one.

He's the funniest pup by far
and the coolest by a mile.

But I don't think he could carry
me down a flight of stairs

because he ain't got no hands.

Fact, I also like Marshall the best.

He's super brave and his jokes
never miss.

But do we feel safe?
No!

Listen to this actual 911 call.

Paw Patrol are ready to roll,
this is Ryder, what's your emergency?

It's my girlfriend! She's not waking up!
Her eyes are, like, rolled back.

I think she's od'ing, man.

Please hold.

Unacceptable!

And that's not the only emergency
that Paw Patrol's bungled.

Just ask my sister.

I went into labor early.

I was alone and called 911 for help
and told them my water broke.

So they sent Zuma,
the water rescue dog to my home.

He didn't understand what was
happening and sat there

chewing on his upper butt while I gave
birth on my kitchen floor.

Disgraceful!
But it gets worse.

Recently my wife was
in a terrible accident.

And who came to break this earth-shaking
news to me and my children?

A bulldog in a hard hat.

And midway through telling us, he started
doing that scooting thing dogs do

where they put their hind legs under them
and drag their itchy ass across the floor.

Enough is enough!

Mayor goodway,
the numbers don't lie.

258 unsolved murders.

36 car jackings a day.

Zero sex crime units
in our police force

because the Paw Patrol and their
10-year-old boss don't know what sex is.

And one.

One chance to take our city back
by voting "yes"

to recall mayor Goodway in next
week's special election.

Let's make our voices heard
and get my wife out of office.

Paid for by cats.

I'm a boss.

Anna Delvey gets
whatever she wants.

Your money is coming.
Why couldn't you just listen?

Hey, Andrew.
Where did you get that sandwich?

-They're just out in the writer's room.
-Oh, great, I'm starving.

-Oh, this was actually the last one.
-Okay.

I'm a boss!

Andrew, wait.

That's actually my sandwich.

-What is that voice?
-My sandwich is in your mouth.

Give me my sandwich.

Okay. Yeah. Sorry.
I didn't know.

I'm a boss-ass bitch

This food is like basic,
you know.

Chips are broke-ass.
We need something more exclusive.

More VIP.

Like NOBU.

Run this on my card.

-This is a metro card.
-Run it again!

Hey, little boy.
Lorne says that's my couch now.

Lorne said that?
'Cause I brought this from my home.

I assure you his text
is on the way.

He's in The Hamptons right now.
Reception is very bad.

-Very VIP.
-That does sound like Lorne.

My fellow Americans.

Lorne says I'll do Bannon now.

-He didn't say anything to me.
-Text is on the way.

Give me your teeth.

Lorne says I'll host update now.

All right, bye.

-I still didn't get a card.
-You're being so dramatic.

-The wire transfer's on the way.
-Oh, cool. Oysters.

What're you wearing?
You look parked.

I look what, now?

-Poor?
-Yes.

-I loved you in "Dune," by the way.
-Thanks.

Say hi to Timothee Chalamet.

From now on, my costume...

Hey, Chloe.
Any update on that wire transfer?

-I'm in really deep.
-I do not have time for this!

I do not have time for you!

I'm a masterpiece, bitches!

I can pay.

I can pay.

I can pay.

I'm sorry.

Come on.
There you go.

-I can pay.
-Chloe!

I can't help but notice,
you've been delveying everyone today.

-I can pay.
-You don't have to do this.

The hair, the glasses, the Russian
accent that's also German.

You've just got to be confident.

The real delvey is inside you.

And has been all along.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just glad I stopped
this before anyone got hurt

and there were any real consequences.

Well, I guess I won't be
needing these anymore.

-Bye, Kate.
-Bye.

There can only be one Delvey
around here.

Very VIP.

-All right, everybody settled?
-Everyone settled in okay?

-Let's settle in, everyone.
-Please settle.

-We're settled.
-All right.

For those of you who don't know us,
my name is Donald.

And my name is Maria.

And we are your HR representatives
here at Links Pharmaceutical.

That's right. We're the ones you come
to with anonymous complaints,

like when Deborah told us
what Kevin was doing.

-You ratted on me, Deborah?
-I did not. No.

Why would I even care that you
wait outside the women's room

and say "how'd it go in there?"

Just a simple good
or bad would suffice.

Guys, we're not here
to lecture Kevin again.

God knows we spent
enough time on Kevin

thanks to complaints
from Deborah and Lyle.

Guys, today is our annual
harassment seminar.

And I know what you're thinking.
We have to sit through this again?

Aww, I'm going to blow
my frigging brains out!

This whole schpeel again?

I'm going to blow my goddamn
brains out.

Please stop saying that.

We promise we are going to get this over
with as quickly as possible

so you can get back to work.

That's right, and Kevin can get back
to peeking under bathroom stalls.

-You told them about that?
-Your face was fully under my stall.

Okay.
This is real simple, guys.

We're just going to run through
a couple of scenarios,

and you guys tell us whether they're
appropriate or inappropriate, okay?

Here's the first one.

What if Maria says to Donald,

"wow, looks like those workouts
you've been doing are really paying off"?

-I would say that's inappropriate.
-Wrong.

Let's try another one.

Okay, so what if Donald said to Maria,
"wow, how often are you going to the gym?

Your body is seriously fantastic."

-That's very inappropriate.
-Sorry, no.

Try to really focus this time.

Maria comes up behind Donald
and says,

"damn, do you live
at the gym or something?

Because that juicy booty slaps."

-Wildly inappropriate.
-Actually, it's not.

-Because I'm her boss.
-See? Try to really listen, guys.

Okay, what if Maria's boss said to Maria,

"hey, when are you going to get
to start banging out kids?

That is clock is ticking, baby."

Again, very inappropriate.

But what if my boss is my grandfather
and he just really wants grandkids?

Okay, but he shouldn't say it
at work in front of other people.

And wait, I thought Donald
was your boss.

"I thought Donald was", you know what?
This isn't a game, Deborah.

Next slide.

Donald says to Maria, "hey, n-word,
are you going to the gym later?

Or am I going to have to drag
your thick ass there myself?"

That's really awful
and inappropriate.

-Actually, it's fine.
-Actually, it's not.

No, he didn't mean that "n" word.
He meant nice.

-He was saying, hey nice?
Yeah.

Because he's Italian.
He said, "heya nice." All the time.

-That's also inappropriate.
-Not if she is my boss.

Also, why are all of these examples
about the two of you?

The two of us?
That's how you see it?

Wow, so you see a man
and a woman working together,

so automatically you think
they're having raw intercourse?

No one said that.

You see a woman in a hot
skirt suit, nothing underneath,

and just because your eyes are
going owooga thinking

she'll take a bite out of her boss's
sandwich,

that means automatically they're going
to have raw intercourse.

Stop saying raw intercourse!

No, shut up, Deborah.

Kevin was right about what he
said during the investigation,

you are an uptight bitch.

Oh my god, this is horrible.

Exactly.

You hear that?
That's clapping.

We're clapping for you!

Because we're not your
HR representatives.

We're from a group called
"it could be worse."

And we show employees that no matter how
bad your workplace environment might be,

it could be worse.

Could be way worse.

What are we supposed to do
with this information?

I want you all to walk back into your
offices, take a deep breath,

just start typing.

He has no idea what we do.

And right when you're finished
typing your types

and you go
home for the day,

the women to their hunky husbands and
the men to their shrill, nagging wives,

and I want you to think
about us.

And how we showed you
a new way to work.

A new way to live.
Maybe even a new way to love.

You'll wonder, whatever
happened to those two?

Did they end up going to the men's room
and having raw intercourse?

And the answer is... yes.

Yes, they did.

And unrelated, which stall
are you all going to be using?

Kevin.

"Kevin," fridays at 6:00 a.m.
Only on the weather channel.

That's why you didn't go
to grad school? Amazing.

Yeah.

-You know, I had a great time tonight.
-Me too.

-We've had three incredible dates.
-Yeah. Definitely.

-Hey, can I ask something?
-Anything.

Why do you always wear that
green ribbon around your neck?

What do you mean?

I've just never seen you
without it.

-Why don't you take it off?
-I hoped you wouldn't notice.

Look, Alan, I'll show you.

But please don't let it affect
the way you see me.

Of course not, come on.

All right, here we go.

There. Now you know.

There's a little meatball guy
on the side of my neck.

Every I take the green ribbon
off and expose him to light,

he wakes up and sings
his little songs.

-Does that clear things up for you?
-Totally, 100%.

Good.
Now where were we?

Just one question.

Is that a little tiny hand sticking
out of the top of your shirt?

I was hoping
you wouldn't notice.

And to answer your question,

yeah, they harmonize and sing
together in time.

Then there's these guys.

And this one kind of munches on
a block of cheese to the beat.

And this one just kind of spits up.

Then big daddy brings
it all together.

We are little meatball men
Singing our little meatball song

Join us please and sing along

Okay, I think I get it. You can go
ahead and cover them up now.

Oh, no, no, once they get on
a roll like this

it's better to keep them going
until they get tuckered out.

We are little meatball men

We are balls of body meat

We are little meatball men

Sucking on our piece of cheese

My name is Chunky

And my name's Popolim

My name is Jobi

And my name is Jim

Have you ever talked to a doctor
about getting them removed?

Oh, it's not necessary.

After a few years they just, like, dry
and up fall off into a toilet.

Hey buddy I'm hungry.
Give me some more cheese.

Oh, gross.

Oh, don't worry about that,
it's not poisonous or anything.

It'll just stain your clothes.
And it is poisonous.

Okay, look.
I think we're moving too fast.

Oh, no, here it comes!

Oh, this is so awkward,
I can't bear to watch.

Are you serious?
You're dumping me?

This is coming out of nowhere!

I mean, I suppose if I had to guess

I'd say it had maybe something to do
with the meatballs?

No.

Yeah, it's the meatballs.

I'm sorry.
Is that a piano in your armpit?

Don't give up on love
just because of some meatballs

Don't give up on this girl
because she's got a lot of meatballs

Someday you'll realize

That in the end your love will always win

And I'm Jim

You know what?
The meatballs are right.

-I'm going to make it work.
-Really?

We finally got a boyfriend, yay!

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,
they're extremely contagious.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Charli XCX!

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening!

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

We're now at the point where at every
press conference the president's asked,

will there be a nuclear war?

A journalist asked president
Biden if we should be worried

about nuclear war and he said, no.

Because what's he going to say?
Hell yeah, man.

Start digging a bunker, Jack.

It's like when a little kid asks you where
grampie's going to go when he dies.

Obviously you're going
to say heaven.

But based on some of the stuff grampie
said you know hell is also on the table.

Some military experts have been
surprised that despite having

superior firepower the Russian army has
been slowed by aging equipment,

poor motivation and inept leadership.

So basically, they're The Lakers.

Germany is now joining the EU
to send arms to Ukraine,

which is the first time Germany
has ramped up military production

since that little six-year gap
in their history books.

French president Emmanuel Macron
said that

after a tense 90-minute call
with Vladimir Putin,

he's convinced that
the worst is yet to come.

Man, it's amazing how much suffering
could have been avoided if Putin

was just a few inches taller.

Senator Lindsey Graham, who gives
this exact same look at the urinal...

created controversy on Twitter
by suggesting that Russians

should end the war in Ukraine by
assassinating Vladimir Putin.

It is a shocking, disgusting example
of Lindsey Graham

being kind of right about something.

Governors in several states
including New Hampshire, Ohio

and Utah have banned the sale
of Russian-made vodka.

No word yet on brides.

Many of the members of congress attending
the state of the union

wore blue and yellow to show their
support for Ukraine.

While Kamala Harris wore all brown to do
what she's done for the last year,

disappear into the background.

Florida governor Ron Desantis, seen here
being told someone's pronouns...

Desantis yelled at students
behind him at an indoor event

to take off their masks saying
"stop with this COVID theater."

And there's nothing more on
brand for conservatives

than a dad screaming at boys
to give up theater.

Starting on Monday New York City
will no longer require bars

and restaurants to pretend
to look at vaccination cards.

The city will be lifting its vaccine
mandate for indoor dining and events.

"Finally," said the next variant.

This week, Florida's controversial
"don't say gay" bill

passed its final state
senate committee.

Here to comment
is Kate McKinnon.

Hi, Couldin.
Hello.

Hi, Kate.
Thank you for being here.

Sorry to barge in here out
of costume.

I heard about this law.

And I think it's amazing.

-Oh, you do?
-Yeah.

Because you know, when I was in
middle school in the '90s I was some...

I was kind of like tortured
by the constant use of the word "gay."

"That's so gay.
Ew, you're gay."

It made me feel horrible.

And to hear that Ron Desantis
has taken a stand and said no,

you cannot say gay
in school anymore.

I'm just like... I'm so jazzed.
And in Florida of all places.

So actually, I feel like there's
been a misunderstanding.

The law actually means that you can't
acknowledge that gay exists at all.

What?

Yeah. Like teachers can't speak about
gay people in history.

Or if a kid has a gay
family member.

What?

Yeah, and if a kid confides
that they're gay to a teacher,

the teacher has to out them
to their parents.

Oh, what?

Yeah, sorry to break this to you.

It probably is affecting what
you were going to say.

Yeah. Okay.
That's okay.

I'll say something.

It's just that thing of like
when they say don't say gay,

you know, then it's like stuck
in your head. But it's fine.

Anyway, I am deeply gay of...
sorry.

Concerned.
Deeply concerned.

It just feels like this is going
to make kids gay and trans...

sorry, depressed and suicidal.

And I think these laws
are lesbians.

Sorry, unconscionable.

I think you ended up saying
gay a couple times.

I'm trying to make sense
of all this.

Like this don't say gay law
have a purpose?

Well, I think I guess it's so kids aren't
going home with questions

that parents don't want to answer?
I don't know what the idea is.

So one kid can say I live
with my parents

but another one has to say I live in a
house with two adult men

who bought me
when I was young?

That'll be... they'll be less
confused then.

It does sound like it would
be more confusing.

Look, Colin, if the '90s were
right and gay means bad,

then this is the gayest law
I've ever seen.

If you can't say it,
you might as well sing it.

Gay, gay, gay

Kate McKinnon, everyone!

Serena Williams criticized
"The New York Times"

after it mistakenly printed a picture of
her sister, Venus Williams,

and labeled it Serena.

Worse, The Times then sent an apology
letter to Wendy Williams.

Fans of the hit HBO show "Euphoria"

have been harshly criticizing
the series creator

for sexualizing
the high school characters.

Plus it's just not accurate.

Take from it me,
no one has sex in high school.

Don't applaud that much.

The house voted to award the
congressional gold medal

to the only all-female black unit
to serve in World War II.

And Tyler Perry plays them all
in his new film "Inglernious Basterds."

Dubai has opened the museum
of the future which aims to show

what the world will be like
in 50 years.

And let's just say the museum
does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

A new study finds that 11%
of American adults are afraid of the dark.

Especially if that dark is
behind them at the ATM.

Dunkin' has announced a new beverage
called the Shamrock Macchiato,

which combines espresso, vanilla,
and Irish cream.

It's the festive, sugary drink
that will have you saying,

top o' the morning and losing
the bottom o' your leg.

A man in Times Square
returned a lost wallet filled

with $4,000 cash
to its rightful owner.

When told how much money was in
the returned wallet the man replied...

Pat Sajak is asking "Wheel of Fortune"
fans to stop making fun

of the two contestants who were unable
to solve an easy puzzle saying,

quote, have a little heart.

Or as the contestants would guess,
"haze a nipple heave."

Tuesday was national Pig Day.

But I told that to a pig
and he handcuffed me.

According to a new study,

just one drink a day may shrink
overall volume of your brain.

Though I think I speak for all
alcohol enthusiasts when I say, "buh?"

Rihanna has been showing
off her baby bump

and sexy maternity
looks at Paris Fashion Week.

Here to comment is Pauline,
a weary mother in her darkest hour.

You're never going to believe it,
Michael. I'm pregnant again.

Well, how are you doing, Pauline?
Congratulations!

-Must be such an exciting time.
-Exciting for who, Michael?

Last time I gave birth the baby
was so big

the doctor said he
looked like black Jason Momoa.

You know what it fields like
to drop a drogo?

Bad.
But here, look at Rihanna.

Come on.
With a perfect cute little baby bump.

Meanwhile, I look like I'm trying
to shoplift a turducken.

I'm just regular pregnant.

I want to be famous pregnant.

Famous pregnant?

That was just Rihanna's pregnancy
announcement photo, right?

Sure was. Rihanna and her
boyfriend all happy.

Walking around Harlem.

You know how I announced
my pregnancy?

I threw up on
Martin Luther King jr. Boulevard.

You know, I've had babies before
but this is my worst pregnancy yet.

It's making me want
to edit all kinds of things.

Pickles, peanut butter,
the barrel of a shotgun.

-Pauline.
-I don't mean it.

I don't know what I'm saying.
Pregnancy brain.

Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic
pregnancy looks at Fashion Week.

Hopefully to inspire other
pregnant women.

Oh, please!
Look at this, Michael.

She looks like she's going
to a sex funeral.

And she makes it look good.
How?

I couldn't even wear this before.

If you're going to wear something
like this, everything's got to stay put.

But right now everything on me
is loose, including my pusher.

-My God!
-She's always wearing heels.

You want to see my heels, Michael?
These.

I used to wear a size 9.
Now I'm a men's 15.

You know I even got my tubes tied.
But they came loose.

I keep begging my doctor,
double knot them next time, please.

-They tied them like shoelaces?
Look, I'm out here on my own, Michael.

At least Rihanna's got
a boyfriend by her side.

Meanwhile, you haven't come
with me to not one doctor's appointment.

-Wait, why would I?
-Because you did this to me.

-I did?
-I said let's use protection.

And you looked me in the eye
and said "it don't feel the same."

That does sound like me, yes.

All right, you know, I've got to go.
I left my kids in Lorne's office.

-Pauline, everybody.
-I'm younger than Rihanna.

I'm only 29.

-For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che.
-I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

Oh, hi!
I'm "SNL's" Aidy Bryant.

You know, over my ten years on
the show,

I have played dozens of teachers,
principals, mothers,

women named Diane,
Susan, or Teacher.

And I have loved all of these sweet,
nurturing women.

But the show said that
if I played 150 of them,

then as a reward I could write a sketch
of my own choosing.

You know, to show a different
side of myself.

So tonight, this is that sketch.

Enjoy.

I'm so nervous, I can't believe
Siegfried's going to take me,

a loser and a fool.
How do I look?

You look fantastic, sir.
I'm sure she'll be titillated.

But you're right to be scared. She is the
most widely desired woman in the world.

Oh, I'm sick.
I'm sick with feeling for this woman.

It's her.
Pray for me boys.

Hello.

Now, scram, boys,
and leave this man to me.

My god.
You are so beautiful.

And sexual. And I can tell your
personality's also really good.

Oh god, if I had a nickel for
every time I heard a man say that,

I would have so many coins
that it would be annoying.

Oh, sensual woman.

You make me so horny.

I see why they call you
The Sexual Woman.

So yeah, I lied to Oscar Isaac.

I told him I have a famous
recurring character on the show

called "The Sexual Woman."
Is that a crime?

Oh, I'm the luckiest man on
earth to be brushing your hair.

Mind if I get a little closer?

Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that
look like that closer to me, whatever.

I don't care.

I need you to know,
I see you sexually.

I don't see you as someone
who would, like, run a school.

I mean, you are the most under
35 person I've ever met.

Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Well, I bet you were about
to do your big catchphrase.

-Right.
-Yes.

My famous catchphrase.
Of course.

What was it?
Here we go.

Hey, get your fat ass on my lap,
bitch!

-Okay.
-Yes.

I must confess, I have a big
cool boner right now,

which I sometimes get when I respect
someone too much.

Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac
for the sketch? No reason.

I mean, pretty random.

Every time I've done something
romantic on the show,

it's been totally random.
Like with Ryan Gosling.

Or Drake.

Oh, my god. Do I have a pattern
of sexual randomness?

Well, whatever.
You only live once.

Now back to the sketch.

Is the food all right?
I hope you even like spaghetti.

You're lucky that I do.

Damn it, I'm in love with you
and it's killing me!

Yes.
To me this is normal behavior.

I wrote a song for you,
if that's okay.

Sexual Woman, are you from
Paris or Barcelona?

No I'm from Arizona

Sexual Woman, I respect you so much

I've just demonstrated
by my insane boner

A boner?

Let me guess.
You want to kiss me now.

Yes, I do.
But not yet.

You need time to digest
all that spaghetti.

So now could we just hug?

Yes, good idea.

I would have forgotten to digest
and regretted it later.

Oh, what they say about you
is true.

You are everyone's cup of tea.
Including me, Oscar Isaac.

-Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.
-Sorry.

It says my real name on the card.
Is that a mistake?

I don't know.

I guess... the writers are so
annoying and stupid.

I would say I guess just
go with it?

Okay. All right.

Then let's get my fat ass on
your lap.

The Sexual Woman!
"Hey! Get your fat ass on my lap, bitch."

You thought you
could fix it by yourself

Plumbing's just as easy
as building a shelf

Your DIY becomes OMG

You're in over your head

Well, hello!

I'm Gus Vanzant.
And welcome to "In over your head"

where we talk to folks who got
a little overconfident

taking on projects around
the house.

Sponsored by thumb ice.

Did you whack your thumb
with a hammer like a cartoon idiot?

Numb the pain with thumb ice.

Our first guest is Tommy Dorian,
who said he tried to install his own pool.

Come on in, Tommy.

Well, looks like your hair's still
a little wet from the pool there, Tommy.

No, that's unrelated.

Okay.

So tell us, what was behind your
thinking behind building your own pool?

Well, my neighbor put one in.
Hired a whole crew and an architect.

The whole nine yards. I thought,
it's basically a hole plus a hose.

Why overthink it?

-And when did things go wrong?
-Almost immediately, Gus.

My problem started when I tried
to pour the concrete

while I was
still digging, to save time.

-Oh, wow.
-Oh wow is right.

Cut to, I'm up to my waist
in hard concrete screaming,

"Help!
Someone turn off the hose!"

So you were already running
the hose?

To fill the pool, to save time, yes.
Had to have it open for New Year's.

Well, looking back, any regrets?

I do wish I hadn't punctured
my septic tank.

That's a whole different
kind of pool.

Thanks for coming, Tommy.

Thanks for allowing me.

All right.

Our next guest thought that he
should, quote, do his own electrical.

Please welcome Felix Crewe!

Hey, Gus!
Long time, first time.

You mean, long time watch,
first-time guest?

No. First time electrocuted.
Long time it hurt.

So, how did you decide to do
your own electrical work?

Well, I keep telling my wife,
it's just wires.

Babe, it's just wires.

Honey, nothing's going to happen,
it's wires.

Right.

You know when you see a guy defusing
bombs in the movies you think,

I could do that?

I've never thought that.

Well, I have a lot.

So I thought, "what the hell, I'm going
to install my own circuit breaker."

-Oh, my god.
-No, trust me, there is no god.

Now, the whole idea of a breaker
is to stop a power surge, right?

So, I think I should start with
the power dialed all the way up

because that's what I'm trying
to protect myself against, right?

That is very bad logic.

So I got this thing cranked
up higher than lightning

and I'm like, "time to screw
in the metal screws," right?

No, not right.

Cut to... I fly so hard through
a sheet of drywall

that my scream physically detaches from
my body and travels at a slower speed.

Kind of like peter pan's shadow
detaching from his body.

Yeah, got it.

So after I hit a steel
support column,

wiping out the entire
first floor of my home,

I am hit in the face
by my own scream.

Wild, right?

And what did you learn
from all of this?

Gloves.
You've got to wear gloves.

-Well, thank you, Felix.
-Excited to get my check.

There's no check.

All right.

And our final guest says that she's been
trying to repair her home for months.

Please welcome... this can't be right.
My wife Carlisa.

Hey, baby.
Uh, what you doing here?

Just trying to repair my home.

This damn fool is out here
pretending he's a big expert.

Meanwhile, his own house is
literally falling apart.

Well, if you have a problem,
baby, I'm happy to fix it.

With what?
This is your toolbox.

But there aren't no tools
in here, though.

It's just cans of black's beer.

Hey, I've been looking for those.

There's no tools in this
whole goofy-ass workshop.

It's just chocolate bars that
look like tools.

Well, sometimes I get
a little hungry.

Meanwhile, our toilet
hasn't worked in months.

I opened the lid of the tank
and saw this.

Well, you never know when you
might need an ice cold hot dog.

And then you snuck some crushed up peanut
shells into our son's lunch

to prove that he was faking
his peanut allergy.

Well, the important thing is
that I trust you now.

I still think he may be exaggerating
a little bit.

Gus. What do you have to say
for yourself?

Look. I think it's pretty clear
that I am in over my head...

No, no, no. Don't you dare sing
that damn jingle to me, no.

This man sucked up a wasp nest
with a vacuum

and now he won't
even throw it away.

-Listen, Dyson...
-Idiot. You's an idiot.

You want some of this...

Over your head

Once again, Charli XCX!

Abraham Lincoln smiled.

She may be flawed
but she's still my country.

Anyway, see you tonight.

At the theater.

The end.

That was great, Linus.
And very relevant, too.

Very much the intention.
Thank you.

Well, well, great stories
tonight, everyone.

And we will be back next month,
all are welcome.

Sir, I'm sorry.
We'll be two minutes.

Oh, my gosh. You're not finished.
Excuse me.

Well, actually, sir... I don't think
we've ever actually spoken.

But I feel like I always see you
with a different book.

-You like reading?
-Oh, yeah. Yes, ma'am.

It's how I've seen the world ten
times over, because of my books.

I love that.
You ever try any writing?

I mean, I dabble. But no, maybe one day.
You all are the writers.

Well, why don't you read us something?
Whatever you got.

-Oh, I don't know.
-No judgments here.

-We're all just trying stuff out. Promise.
-Come on, man, take a seat.

-Yeah, I'd love to hear it, pal.
-Absolutely.

Gosh, that's so nice. I've never read
in front of people before.

This one's called
"The Apogee of Midnight."

-Oh, lovely. Please.
-Okay.

There it was again.
The sound of mop on tile.

The start of another late night.
One of thousands like it.

Alone in Chandler High.
But the janitor liked the silence.

It held him in a cool, delicate calm.

-I really like that.
-Thank you.

Then, footsteps.

Loud and getting closer.

Hello? School's closed.

A woman turned the corner.
She looked lost.

Sorry, I'm looking for someone
named Mike?

Oh, yeah? Who's asking?

My name is Dua Lipa.

I'm a big pop star and I'm looking
for a janitor named Mike.

-Okay.
-The janitor paused.

That was his name.

Dua Lipa sighed.

You haven't heard of me, have you?

Sorry, ma'am.
More of a classic rock guy myself.

But sure, maybe I've seen a bikini pic
or two, how can I help?

Okay, you know what,
it is getting pretty late.

-So I think we should probably wrap it up.
-He just started.

Wrap up? So I can mop?
Heck, I got time.

Yeah, and I want to know
where it's going.

-I don't.
-Yeah, I think I'm good.

Yeah, you're right.
I'm bad at this.

No, no.
We support it.

-So please, go ahead.
-Oh, thank you.

Mind if I sit down?
Dua Lipa was exhausted.

She'd just done a concert
in Europe.

And was still in her sparkly
show getup.

He liked her.
She was cool.

So what brings you out all this
way to see little old me, girlie?

Oh, I don't know, this is going
to sound crazy.

Come on, Dua Lipa,
you know you can talk to me.

I'm your friend.

It's true.
They were fast friends.

And nothing more.
Right?

-Are you asking us?
-Please. I'm still reading.

Well, I guess I wanted to ask
you a favor, Mike.

Sure thing, girlie.
What's up?

Would you teach me how to make out?
I've never done it before.

Okay, I'm sorry, I just...
No.

-Oh, come on.
-Why?

Look, I think that it's great
that you write.

I just don't really want to hear about
your weird, made-up thing with Dua Lipa.

-I'm sorry, I don't.
-My thing?

This ain't me, mama, this is fiction.
Third person.

Yeah,
about a janitor named Mike.

-Right.
-And so what is your name?

Michael B. Jackson.
Why?

-It's kind of creepy, man.
-Very creepy.

I see.
I guess I'm not a writer after all.

-Back to the toilets it is.
-Just finish it, please.

Okay, cool.

Sure, Dua Lipa, I can teach you
how to make out.

Wait, can my friend come?
Her name is Tawny McDaniels.

The famous ginger milf?

One and the same.

You know her?

Know her?
I manage her sub brand.

Of course pornography hasn't
been the same since the '70s.

That's before T.J. Munst
took over at stuffed.

When the mags had vision
and the spreads were actually good.

Sorry, I do think we need
to call it there.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stuff happens, stuff happens,
so, Dua laughed.

Hey, Michael B., thanks.

This truly was the apogee
of midnight.

Amen.

Chapter 2.

-Amen?
-Chapter 2?

That wasn't the end?

Oh, honey, we got 800 pages
in book one, strap in.

Have a great night, everyone.
Get home safe. Okay?

All right.

Thank you!

Thank you to Charli XCX!

Thank you to this amazing crew
and this incredible cast.

The "SNL" family for the week.
Thank you.

You've been a great audience.
Good night!