All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E13.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Ladies and gentlemen...

The Ukrainian Chorus Dumka
of New York.

Live from New York,
is Saturday Night.

KYIV

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Aidy Bryant...

Michael Che...

Pete Davidson...

Mikey Day...

Cloe Fineman...

Heidi Gardner...

Colin Jost...

Kate McKinnon...

Alex Moffat...

Kyle Mooney...

Ego Nwodin...

Chris Redd...

Cecily Strong...

Kenan Thompson...

Melissa Villaseñor...

Bowen Yang...

Aristotle Athori...

Andrew Dismukes...

James Austin Johnson...

Punkie Johnson...

Sarah Sherman...

LCD Sound System...

and our host John Mulaney.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Mulaney!

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday
Night Live for the fifth time.

For many, many reasons I'm grateful
to be here tonight

after a very complicated year.
It is wonderful to be in a place

that's always emphasized sobriety
and mental health.

Since I last hosted,
different things have happened.

In December of 2020,
I went to dinner at a friend's apartment,

but it was not dinner.
It was an intervention. For me.

My least favorite
kind of intervention.

When I walked into my intervention,

I knew right away that
it was an intervention.

Do you know how bad of a drug problem
you have to have?

If when you open a door and see people
gathered, your first thought is,

"This is probably an intervention
about my drug problem.

There's no other reason
people would be behind the door."

I walked in, there were six of my friends
in New York in person,

and six of my friends
over Zoom from LA.

And you may be thinking, hey, if that
was me, I would have been like,

if you're so worried about me,
how come you didn't fly in? Don't worry.

I said that several times.
I rang that bell as often as possible.

I went away to a rehab,
which was a very good experience.

I'm very grateful that I went.

I was there for two months from
December till February 2021.

I was there January 6,
during the insurrection.

Wouldn't have happened on my watch.
Because I would have seen to it.

Was there ever an insurrection
before I went to rehab? No.

Has there been one since
I got out? Absolutely not.

They wouldn't dare.
They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is
you sit down with a counselor

and you delete and block all of your
drug dealers phone numbers.

In some cases, you reach
out to a dealer to say,

"Hey, never get in touch with me again.
I'm sober now."

It's called breaking up
with your drug dealer.

I did this one afternoon
with a counselor. I sat down.

I texted my main dealer Arvind first.
And I shouldn't have said his name.

But that's, that's okay.
You don't know him.

Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I
said, "Hey, I'm deleting and blocking you.

I'm sober now. I'm never gonna buy drugs
again." And then I'm really polite.

So I didn't know how to end the text.

So I was like, "But thank you for all
of the nights that became days

and your inspired professionalism."

So I send the text before I can delete
and block him. He texts me back.

He goes, "Hey, I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy that you got sober.

You know, I only bought drugs to sell to
you. Because I was worried about you.

And I didn't want you to get worse
stuff off the street."

I know.
And I'm breaking up with this guy?

So I can't block him.
Now I text him back, you know?

I go, "Hey, oh my god, you sweet man."

I said, "You only bought drugs to sell
to me?" He says , "Yeah."

I said, "Did you sell drugs to other
people?" He said, "No."

I said, "This is a weird time to ask.
But are you a drug dealer?"

He said, "No. I'm a painter.
We talked about this."

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have no idea how I know this person.

So I texted him.
I go, "How did it come to be

that you sell me drugs?"

And he wrote back,
"I don't know. You just kept asking."

I like that story.

Because there are many tales
of drug dealers

who have turned innocent people
into drug addicts.

I might be the first drug addict to turn
an innocent man into a drug dealer

and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now.
I have a 12 week old son.

I'm very excited. Yes.

He is a pretty cool guy
for someone who can't vote.

His legs are like little calzones and I
want to eat him. His name is Malcolm.

And let me tell you the moment when I
first bonded the hardest with Malcolm.

We were in the delivery room,
my girlfriend had just given birth to him,

and he's crying a little.

So, they bring them over to this warmer on
the other side of the delivery room,

and they put them on the warmer
under this big bright light.

And light is just shining in his eyes.
It's really bright.

And he's not crying or anything.
He just looks up at the light

and this is what he does.

He was annoyed.

But he didn't say anything.
And I was like, "That's my son.

A polite man in an
uncomfortable situation,

but he's not going to make a fuss."
And this was a really bright light.

I thought it was bright
and I'd seen lights.

He'd never seen a light
before in his life.

To see on a baby's face the expression,
Jesus with the light, is very interesting.

He's a very good boy. His favorite
pacifier just got recalled though.

It's such a bummer.

He loved it. So we had like
a dozen of them.

We still have them in a basket
on our counter.

And I see this look in his
eyes all the time of like,

"Oh, I want to use those but I
can't because they could kill me."

Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a great show.

LCD Sound system is here.
So stick around and we'll be right back.

-Thanks again for taking my case.
-How could I not?

Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet
in a residential neighborhood?

You go over to say hi and get mauled.
It's not right.

-Do you think we'll get a settlement?
-Absolutely.

Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the
Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

Yeah. That's a tough break.
We got the monkey judge.

A monkey judge?

Yeah, he was appointed last year
by that governor

who loved pranks
and struggling with addiction.

Please be seated. No one look
me in the eye.

Do not make any noises that
I do not know. I do not feel cornered.

So, we can begin. I have decided to allow
cameras in this courtroom.

However, if I see my image in the monitor,
I will think it is a rival monkey.

And I will completely lose it.

Also let the record show that I'm fairly
close to completely losing it.

The court recognizes the shape
in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

My client went to say hello to the
defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

No Gumbo.

-What?
-Tango.

Yeah, I know. I'm talking
about a different monkey.

Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Should I keep going?

Yeah, but I'm going to throw
a little sand to show dominance.

Alright, okay, so my client was
at the defendant's house

when out of nowhere, his pet
monkey grabbed her hat and...

Was this the same hat you normally wear?
Or was it in any way different?

Well, normally,
I wear an orange bucket hat.

And this time I had on
a green baseball cap.

Let me get this straight. You walked up
to this monkey as a different shape.

And you expected what?
For him to just be cool with that?

For you to not feel his insane
breath on your face

as he broke all the bones in your body
with the strength of 30 men?

Well, he is in
a hanging mood today.

Are you sure? He's smiling?

No, he's baring his teeth.

It's hopeless, who can
reason with a judge like this?

May the defense approach
the bench

in a slow deliberate way holding
a birthday cake?

The court recognizes the shape
he normally associate with treats.

As I approach, your honor,

I'd like to notify the court that I am
wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

The court appreciates the clarification.
I will take the cake

and I will place it on my pile
of shredded newspaper.

And also I'll take that shiny thing.

Let the record show that this shiny
thing was his and now it is mine.

And so it goes into the newspaper
with the cake.

And now I have one many things.
I know visually what I have.

-You are the Alpha?
-Yes.

Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious
that you're favoring the defense.

That is ridiculous.

Your Honor. I love judge.

I love you.

I love judge.

You our baby.
Judge love baby.

Bring judge baby.
Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Oh, come on!

Yeah, we moved to
request a new judge.

Are you suggesting that I'm not competent?
Tango made these pieces match.

Sure, it was a bit of trial and error,
but I did it. I won the juice.

I'm getting tired
and I feel slightly cornered

and this is all getting so, so dangerous.
I'm just going to dismiss the entire...

Wait! Wait! I'd like
to call a surprise witness.

Unless that surprise witness is a ratty
old stuffed animal for me to violate,

I assure you the court is not interested
in being startled.

Well, I got some good news
for you judge.

That side wins! That side wins!

Next time on Monkey Judge,

a public urinator mark the wrong territory
and get the maximum penalty.

His penis ripped off his body.
Monkey Judge.

Sorry. Jenny!

Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like
we're both buying dog food today.

Well, not really.
I'm buying Blue River dog food,

which is real food,
which my Gunther really appreciates.

Right, buddy?
I mean, have you ever looked

at the ingredients on that big
name dog food you're buying?

They seem fine to me.

Really? Okay. Well, then, why don't you
read them out loud? In front of your dog?

-Okay. Corn, chicken...
-Go on, continue!

Corn gluten meal.

Sorry, what is that?
Corn gluten meal?

No. I think you heard me. How much
do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

-It's not $80. It's $73.99.
-That's insane.

It's actually only 32 cents more a day
than what you pay monthly?

No, it's not.

Actually it is. If you take the difference
in the prices between the two bags

and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month,
right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

-Correct? Correct?
-Yeah, right.

-I should be going okay.
-28 days, four weeks is a month, right?

So divided by 28, which we both
agreed this month,

it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly.

I guess I wouldn't be like bragging about
all the savings

because it's actually not
as much as you think.

No! That math doesn't make sense.

Oh, you don't think so?
Why don't we ask my husband? Daniel!

Oh my god! I don't care.

Oh my god. You're not planning on
feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

She likes it, okay?
And I'm saving money.

32 cents a day monthly? That's worth it to
you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

Oh my god. That's why the dog's been
in the stupid cart.

It can't walk because of the food.

The dog has just been sitting there
and I think subconsciously,

I knew what that meant the whole time,

but I wasn't even ready to show that
to myself to show me that.

Okay, look, she can walk.

People like you should
be hung in a public square.

Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

I just feel like these animals have
no voice. Who will be their voice?

You will. Rebecca Anbush.
Look at me. Look at Gunther.

Look at Prime Time.

Look at Wantan.

Look at Alexander.

You always, always have been their
advocates

and their voice more than anyone,
anyone who's ever lived.

I know. I know. But it's like it's too
late. I mean, the dog can't walk.

It's just sitting there humiliated.

He will walk. If it starts eating
Blue River today. Now for the love of God.

Look your dog in the eye and listen
for the first time in your life.

Fine! Felicity, what do you want?

I want Blue River dog food, mommy.
Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy.

I wanna walk. It's only 32 cents
more a day monthly.

I don't want a corn gluten meal.
Listen.

Do it! Do it! Do the right thing.
It's not too late.

Oh my god. Fine.
I will buy the Blue River, okay?

-May I go now please?
-Definitely.

God, we just
saved that dog's life.

Not we. You.

And you know what else?
I think I'm ready to do it.

I think I'm finally ready
to make love to you.

What? It's working?

If this is what I
think it is, it's working.

Everyone! He says it's working.

Congratulations!

-We'll go really slow.
-Thank you.

Blue River dog food, if you want
your dog to ever walk again.

I'm so glad we're doing this. My favorite
restaurant with my favorite people.

Honey, I agree, 100%

You know what?
This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

But, Keith, you know
you can take your mask off the table.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know
I'm wearing it half the time.

I heard the CDC is gonna
lift all mask mandates soon.

Oh, yeah. I know.

It's so weird. It's like COVID is
not over, but it's just gonna stop.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Oh, you know, that reminds
me of this article I wrote...

Honey, no one wants
to hear about that.

What? It was in Bloomberg.
And I thought it was interesting.

What? What article?

-Well, it was...
-Honey!

It was just saying how mask
mandates had,

I don't know,
little to no effect on COVID.

I am sorry. It's not like
I'm anti mask or anything.

I just sometimes wonder if any
of the things we did actually helped.

-Gina.
-No, no.

We can talk about this incredibly
complicated and emotional topic.

Yes, yes. Of course. I will start
because for instance,

while I am so personally
relieved that I'm vaccinated...

Careful...

I sometimes wonder if other
people who are hesitant...

Careful...

Might not have like
a valid not valid...

What...

Not valid, but understandable...

Not tonight...

Help me.

I think what she means is maybe sometimes
we are a little overzealous

when we condemn...

Oh no...

I just think that if people are
actually losing their jobs...

Oh no...

Careful, girl.

Look, vaccines save lives.
Fact.

Okay, they stopped the hospitals
from being overrun. Fact.

Where are you up to?

But did I have to dump my oldest
friend just because he didn't get...

-No... no... no...
-A booster?

Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun.

Isn't there's something happy
we can talk about?

No, no, we started this.
We need to finish it.

David go make sense
of this please.

Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake
the administration made

was not providing more testing.

But the UK had done tons of
testing and had even more COVID.

Well, at least Biden finally sent
out all those tests over Christmas.

You mean the two tests for a family
of eight that froze in the mail?

Okay, well, at least we have the CDC.

I mean, they haven't always been perfect,
but the science changed.

How does science change?

When I make a mistake at work,
I don't get to say the science changed.

At least we had outdoor dining.

Oh, you mean when they built
a smaller restaurant in the street?

How was that outdoor?

Look, I went to a child's birthday
party, self careful.

And they did gymnastics in masks, don't,

and then they went into another room
and took off their masks to eat pizza.

This is the end of me.
So did they really need the mask?

Oh, no!
Did any of us ever need the mask?

No!

I like Toodles.

My god. My god.
I'm so glad I said that out loud.

Of course we needed the mask.
We need it.

We may not know for years the
full extent of what we've been through

but we did our best
and we're gonna get through this.

Amen.

When an anti Vaxxer
gets it, I feel happy.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Well, we don't have to wash
our hands anymore. Do we?

I never did.

Where is my wife?

A please don't destroy video.

Oh, my God.
Did you guys hear there's a new variant?

-Are you kidding me?
-Oh, my God, another one?

Dude, when is COVID gonna be over?
This is ridiculous.

Wait, wait, wait.
Apparently, this one is good.

-What do you mean, it's good?
-I don't know.

Let me just turn on the news.

They're calling it a miracle.

A new strain of COVID-19 that's
mutated so hard, it's actually good.

Wait. No.

It's called the Gelvini variant,
and it doesn't make you sick.

It just makes you feel dope.

Oh, my God.

Dude, it, like, doesn't give
you a fever or anything?

No, it just makes you feel,
like, cool and confident.

It comes from the sandy
beaches of Cabo San Lucas.

Dude, having Gelvini is like
having a drink with an old friend.

-Beer me.
-Oh, my God.

Fauci's telling people to go
to the club.

We have to go!

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Paul.

Bad news, I tested positive
for the Gelvini variant,

and it actually made me sick.

-Oh, shoot.
-At playin' synth!

Oh, my God!

You're positive!

You're positive!

You're positive!

This just in...
I'm going on vacay!

See you in Bali, bitches!

-All right, who's hungry?
-Did somebody say hungry?

-Roker!
-Come and get it!

Roker's on the loose.

-Fauci just put out a statement!
-What'd he say?

He just hooked up with Saweetie.

Go, Fauci! Go, Saweetie!

-Martin, you're positive!
-I know, right?

-No. For anal worms.
-For real?

But we caught it early!

Hold up. A new symptom.

Apparently, the good variant
gives you long, luscious locks.

-I couldn't do this before!
-Forty hands!

-Oh, boy.
-And guess what else, y'all.

-What else, news man?
-Pokémon are real!

Look at this!

We're gonna live forever!

Did someone say hungry?

Maybe a while ago,
but, yeah, come on in, man.

Go, Paul!

This kicks ass.

COVID's over, and everything's
gonna rock forever.

This just in.
Pokémon have stormed the Capitol.

I repeat... Pokémon have stormed
the Capitol.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wait! Oh, hold up, y'all!

They're just there to pass
awesome legislation!

Oh, my God!

Alright.

Alright, everybody.

Alright, uh, Candice and Paul,

how do we think the show is
going so far?

And don't be afraid to be brutal.

Well, not to be a total bitch,
but my Five-Timer show

in December was going to be
a lot better.

That is, until the whole cast
decided to call out sick.

-They all had COVID!
-So what? I have COVID right now!

I got it from the Queen.

Humble brag.

Hi. I think I'm supposed
to be in here?

Oh, Megan Mullally!

As I live and breathe.

-Welcome to the Five-Timers Club.
-Oh, thank you, Candice.

Wow, this place is amazing.

Well, congratulations, John.

And let me be the first person
to say, who are you?

Well, Candice, you wouldn't know me,

but if you have a niece or a son
who's bad at sports, they might.

Oh, come on.
He's John Mulaney.

Congrats, man.
Tonight, it's all about you.

And me to a degree, as well, because
my party was canceled due to laziness.

Well, I'm just happy that
you're here in my episode.

And Paul Rudd exits.

What, that... that's it?

Just reading. Sorry, buddy.

And Tina Fey enters.

That's a nice one, John.

I love how us writers control
everything with stage directions.

And Tina is handed a drink by a
new cast member whose name is,

I want to say, Phillip.

-It's James, Ms. Fey.
-That's what I said, Phillip.

What kind of drink is that?

It's the Five-Timer Fizz. It's made
with Justin Timberlake's tequila,

Dan Aykroyd's vodka, and Tracy Morgan's
club soda, which is aquarium water.

Gross.
Dan Aykroyd's vodka?

Listen, I have to say, I had no
idea people got treated this well.

You know, when I worked here,
I was just a writer.

Well, you were one of the best.

I mean, you wrote that character
with Bill Hader

and 800 other things
that aged terribly.

-Thank you.
-Ah, well, that's all behind you.

Tonight you're in the company of comedy
legends and the Sexiest Man Alive.

This silly thing?

Paul, that was so 2021.

I'm talking about
Mr. Elliott Gould.

Oh, hello.

Oh, my God. Elliott.

Well, Paul may have People magazine,

but I was named Sexiest Man Alive
by Chest Hair Magazine.

Hey, Elliott, do you remember
being on my sitcom?

Should I?

Well, John, we have some
business to discuss.

The club here has gotten so
big that in order for you to get in,

someone has to retire.

Too bad no one here is at
retirement age.

You are 76.

But I have the child
of a 38-year-old.

And we can't get rid of Tina.

She was the first woman to ever
wear glasses on TV.

That's true. Entertainment Weekly
called it disgusting.

And it can't be Candice. I mean,
she was back here in the '70s.

Can you imagine the sexual
harassment that happened back then?

Oh, yeah, I made those guys
do really weird stuff.

I was fine with it.

So, are you saying there's no
room for me?

Well, this was supposed to be
a very small club,

with just the highest
quality of stars.

-Does that make sense?
-Yeah.

So, what you're saying is...

I think what we're all trying
to say is this has become not special.

Did somebody say...

Did somebody say not special?

-Conan, what are you doing here?
-I'm just here to sign up for Peacock.

It's weird they make you do it
in person.

Look, John, don't listen to them.

This is very, very special.

I was in the very first
Five-Timers Club special...

club back specs, thing when...

when I was a writer here.

Yeah, okay, well, a lot of us
were writers here.

Yeah, but you were on the show when
you were a writer, so shut up!

John and I were never supposed
to be on TV.

We're hideous.
Right? Say it, John.

-I guess.
-Yeah. We are.

We're here and we're taking what's ours.
We want to take it by the horns.

It's ours!

The point is, you start here,
and you can do great things.

I hosted my own TV show
for decades.

And what are you doing now?

I have a podcast.

Well, I never thought I'd say this,
but Conan has a point.

Being in this club is pretty
damn special.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.
Let's give him his jacket.

All right, Paul.
Give him your jacket.

Well, man, you know,
it was fun while it lasted.

-Thanks, Paul.
-Oh, sure, John.

Guys, everyone, thank you.

This really does just mean
the world to me.

Yeah. And one more thing.

Live from New York, it's...

No, no, Conan.
We did that already.

I'm doing it anyway.

Live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!

Ladies and gentlemen,
LCD Soundsystem!

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, this week Russia began
their invasion of Ukraine.

President Putin launched the
attack with support from allies

like Belarus and Tucker Carlson.

Many analysts were surprised
Putin went through with the invasion

even though it was obviously
gonna be a colossal mistake.

But he couldn't back down after
all that build-up.

Kind of like how NBC still had to go
through with airing the Winter Olympics.

Experts on Russian politics are saying
that economic sanctions from the West

will not deter Putin

because his money is in non-traditional
assets that are difficult to trace.

So, on top of everything else awful
about Putin, he's also into crypto.

After the invasion of Ukraine, the Russian
stock market fell by 30% to negative 90%.

This is a tough subject to make
jokes about.

I mean, in my lifetime, I've seen footage
of attacks like this on other countries,

but never a white one.

I don't know very much about
this whole situation,

but I have a close friend who's Russian
and I asked her what she thought about it

and she said "Michael, you no pay
me to talk, baby."

I am very impressed by all the
Ukrainian citizens signing up

to defend their country,
even the famous ones.

Imagine that here.

If you ever read on the news Michael Che
has joined an American war,

we have just lost that war.

One of the first places Russian forces
seized when invading Ukraine

was Chernobyl,
the site of the 1986 nuclear disaster.

Said Ukrainians,
"Oh, no, don't take that."

Capturing Chernobyl is like landing
an audition for Harvey Weinstein now.

Donald Trump... great transition.

Donald Trump praised Vladimir Putin
moving troops into Ukraine,

saying, "This is genius."

Though "This is genius" is also
how he sarcastically introduces Eric.

Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson,

seen here getting tired of y'all's
foolishness, was nom...

was nominated by President Biden

to become the first Black woman
on the Supreme Court.

The nomination ful... Yeah.

The nomination fulfills Biden's
promise to change the subject.

You clapped too early.

Biden chose Jackson after interviewing
three finalists this week.

"Weird, I thought interviewing Black
candidates was just for show,"

said the NFL.

A new book claims that while
Donald Trump was president,

White House staff routinely found
wads of paper clogging the toilet.

So, either he tried to flush classified
documents or he eats the wrappers.

In the days after New York mayor
Eric Adams announced a new plan

to stop violence in the city's
transit system,

six people were
stabbed on the subway.

And I think I speak for all New Yorkers
when I say that sounds pretty low.

It was reported that Buckingham Palace
staff have been mocking Prince Andrew

with a nursery rhyme.

Said Prince Andrew,
"Ooh, nursery."

Officials have posthumously
stripped Medina Spirit

of his Kentucky Derby victory
for failing a post-race drug test.

And I just want to say to Medina Spirit,

I hope it's hot in horse hell,
you cheating bastard.

Medina Spirit sounds like
a Tyler Perry character.

A dog in California that went
missing 12 years ago was found

and returned to her owner after
spending more than a decade

living at Dave's Taxidermy Shop.

A man in Iran went to the hospital
after he got a double-A battery

stuck inside his penis.

It was double-A because that's
the sound he makes when it goes in.

This year marks the 50th anniversary

of one of Marvel Comics' first Black
superheroes, Luke Cage.

In the comics,

Luke Cage faces off against Black people's
most powerful enemy of the 1970s...

lead paint.

Police arrested twin sisters after they
got mad at a restaurant worker

and shot him in the face,

this according to Peacock's very dark
reboot of "Sister, Sister."

This week the FDA granted the
first condom approved for anal sex.

It took them this long

because their wives would only let them
test it on their birthdays.

Do you get it?

Researchers have observed a nearly
60-foot-tall rogue wave

off the coast of British Columbia,
which is the largest ever recorded.

Researchers believe the wave was
generated when yo' mama fell overboard.

Well, for "Weekend Update:
Oops All Jokes," I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che. Good night!

Man, how long is this train
gonna take?

Yeah, it says the next one
arrives in "fuggedaboutit."

-I love this new mayor.
-I'm starving.

Yo, newsstand guy, let me get
a Snickers and a bag of chips.

I'll get you the closest thing...
an Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts.

-They still make Oh Henry! bars?
-No.

-And what does he want?
-Oh, nothing from you.

I'm gonna go buy a churro.

-You're buying a what?
-A churro.

They smell delicious, and that's saying
a lot considering I have active COVID.

You're sure you want a churro,

an unwrapped churro from
a woman pushing a laundry cart

who's holding it in her bare
hands with a Starbucks napkin?

Look, I'm a grown, drunk man,

and I want a churro to eat on
the choo-choo ride home.

Very well then.

The die is cast.

Oh, mole person, why don't you
tell this gentleman what happens

when you eat a churro
from the subway?

Some disgusting evening

You will buy a churro

A loose, unpackaged churro

And then your butt will bleed

And somehow you'll know

As soon as you chew

That an hour before you

A rat bit it, too

Wait a second.
Mole people are real?

Of course they're real.

Imagine how great that would be
to live off the grid.

No more endless texts or e-mails.

What?

If I were a mole man

All day long I'd drink a shoe of rum

If I were a mole person

We'd never have to work hard

I used to drive an Amazon van

Living in a hole is such a better plan

Now you feast on old discarded ham

If I were a filthy mole man

Was that the actual cast of "Fiddler"?

No, there's just a lunch
break at B&H Photo.

Oh, my God!
There's a woman on the tracks!

-Is that a ghost?
-No.

She was just fired from
"Sleep No More."

-Now she wanders the tunnels.
-Is she okay?

Oh, I'm more than okay.

I am high on bath salts

Every night, every day

In my mind, you three are demons

If you touch me, I eat your face

-This is crazy!
-I know.

It's like, are you even allowed
to do "South Pacific" anymore?

Wait, can you tell me where
in the city we are?

Oh, the worst part.

We're in Midtown

Where there's no food at night

You're in Midtown

Where police horses fight

You're in Midtown

Where the traffic lights are for show

The land of finance bros

Hey, look! The subway train's snakin'
its way into the station,

and it's got something for everyone!

Did he have a lisp earlier?

Oh, the F local subway is
a-coming down the tracks

Oh, please, let it stop for me

Oh, oh, the F local subway
is a-coming down the tracks

It's called the F because it's effing me

I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

In March, I got airborne HPV

One time I sat directly on a needle

Our new mayor said he fixed it,
but I just got stabbed

Giuliani says hello.

This is the F train
running on the Q tracks,

skipping random stations when
I feel like it.

But wait. This train is empty except
for one man in a trench coat.

That's right.
I cleared everyone out. You see...

I'm fapping on the train

Just fapping on the train

What a glorious feeling

I'm naked under here

Conductor, can't you just
close the doors?

I would if Evan Hansen
would move his backpack.

And I am telling you

I'm not moving my backpack

That's from a different
musical with Jennifer Hudson.

Stop bullying me!

I got to get that guy on
bath salts.

And look out.
On the floor of the train,

there's also a puddle of
unidentifiable origin.

I am the liquid on the floor

Am I pee or Mountain Dew?

Don't worry, I'm flowing
towards the door

Just kidding
I'm gonna touch your shoe

Stop right there!

"Emily in Paris"?

No!
We're the Guardian Angels.

And if you're looking for a fight,
you got to go through us.

-Easy.
-Oh, really?!

I'm possibly the real
Jesus Christ,

wearing my famous
New York Islanders beer helmet.

And if you want this subway,
you'll have to kill me again first.

Oh, my God, it's all happening!

Just as the oracle predicted.

Jesus Christ

Subway car

The helmet doesn't track with
what we've known so far

Jesus Christ

Wearing Crocs

Why does she have a spider
in a box?

Jesus Christ

She's pretty drunk

She has fish and churros
for everyone

It's a miracle!

Gonna save us all!

She's gonna be!

Feasting on churros in paradise

Jesus Christ

She is our Jesus, our Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ

Welcome to "Behind the Slime,"

a look back at the history of
Nickelodeon's iconic green goo.

I'm Nick Cannon, former star
of "All That."

And I'm Marc Summers, former
host of "Double Dare,"

"Super Sloppy Double Dare,"

and the ill-fated "Dirty Nasty
Hardcore Double Dare."

America was introduced to
Nickelodeon's famous slime

on the Canadian kids comedy show
"You Can't Do That on Television."

Green slime would rain down on anyone
who said the phrase "I don't know."

But as you'll see, it took them
a while to figure out the consistency.

Heads-up, this show was made in Canada,
so those kids are white as hell.

Okay, let's take a look.

-Hey, Tracy.
-Oh, hey, Christina.

-You good at Rubik's Cube?
-Not really.

-I'm color-blind.
-Wait.

You're color-blind and your
parents are divorced?

No wonder you don't have
a boyfriend.

Again, this was from 1980,
when TV was crazy.

You know, I have always wondered,
who exactly is this Rubik guy?

I don't know.

Oh, my God!
That was like concrete!

I can't believe you said,
"I don't know."

Crap, the bucket.

Oh, geez.
What was that?

Hey, sorry!

Little bastard kind of slipped
out of my hands.

Yeah, slime's too damn thick.

Fun fact...

That woman with the busted-ass haircut
is slime's creator, Becky Boggs.

The early days also saw experimentation
in the methods of sliming,

as seen in this clip
from another early episode.

You're so damn funny,
Suzanne Somers.

-Oh, it's Marc... Marc Summers.
-Hah, whatever.

-Hey, Craig!
-Hey, Marcy.

You know, this Spider-Man
comic's got me thinking.

You'd be a good superhero...

Stuffs-her-bra Woman.

Well, you can be my sidekick,
the Incredible Homo!

1980!

I prefer Super Craig.

Oh, and what's "Super Craig's"
super power?

I don't know. I guess...

Jesus Christ.

Looks like Super Craig's
power is being slimed.

Oh, why did they do it to me?!

I don't know!
I mean, what's happ...

Stop! Stop!

Help me! Stop!

Stop!
It feels like needles in my face!

Hey, I'm sorry about that,
little man.

Yeah, the issue is fixed,
and it won't happen again.

Please stop.
We're begging you.

Ha, well, the season's second-to-last
episode showed a glimmer of the slime

we know today, but there were still
some issues to iron out.

Slime is one sticky business.

Hell yeah.

Just like having 18 kids
by 20 different women.

I'm losing my hair!

Hey, Pat. Hey, Matt.

Geez, what's wrong with you,
Abby?

Are you on your period
or something?

No. She's probably just upset
because she's adopted.

I mean, do I got to say it?

-1980.
-They know, man.

I have a question.

Are you dweebs ever
not annoying?

I don't know.

Alright.

-Kind of hard to breathe.
-I know.

I feel like you can stop soon.

What percent done are we
right now?

Is it okay to get... is it
okay to get in your mouth?

Go ahead and stop probably.
I think we can stop now.

I feel like you got it at
this point.

Oh, God.

Please stop!

Please! Please!

After that episode,

the slime time was shortened
from six minutes to five seconds.

Stay tuned. After the break,
we'll be joined by one of the Petes

from "The Adventures of Pete & Pete."
Spoiler... It's Pete.

But not that one.
Not the one you're thinking about.

Once again, LCD Soundsystem.

Oh, gosh, should we have
brought food?

I don't know how
these things work.

Oh, honey, it's your first reunion.
It's fine. My family loves you.

Really? They love that
you're married to the guy

who was L.L.Bean's
customer of the year?

Yes. Yes. Just be yourself.

Alright, alright, alright.
Hello, everybody.

I just want to welcome y'all to
the Robinson family reunion!

Yes, indeed.
We're gonna have a good time.

I want everybody to get on
out here now.

It's time for the
"Cupid Shuffle," y'all.

Oh, my gosh.
Everyone's wearing T-shirts.

-Did you know about this?
-Yeah. They...

They didn't send you one
in the mail?

Come on, y'all.

It don't matter if you're young or old

We gonna show you how it goes
To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Now walk it by yourself

Yeah, walk it by yourself

How many members of your family are here?
I feel like they're all staring at me.

Oh, my God, they're not.
I promise.

To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk

Now push it like LeBron
Yeah, push it like LeBron

I'm not really sure I know this version
of the "Cupid Shuffle."

Oh, this here? This is the "Atlanta
two piece and a biscuit" remix.

Somethin' stink

Yeah, close your Tupperware

You know, it's crazy to think I used
to take baths with all these people.

-Oh, Daniel, you're here!
-Oh, Danitra! Hey. Yeah.

This is my wife... Lisa.

-Oh, hey, Lisa.
-I think we cousins, girl.

But me and Daniel...
we old friends.

That's right. We used to play all day
as kids. We just had to be home...

When the street lights
came on!

That's it. How's that hotel
you're staying in?

It's pretty nice, but they
didn't give us no washcloths.

What?
Who showers without a washcloth?

I know. They super nasty.

Alright, Daniel, we still going
Essence Fest this year, right?

Oh, yeah. I reserved us seats for a live
taping of "Iyanla, Fix My Life."

Alright, bet.
I'mma holler at y'all, alright?

Oh, I got to make sure that door
stay closed.

Yeah, you can't let that good
air out, now.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're going to Essence Fest?

Yeah.
I got you a ticket, too.

Call the cops

Yeah, it's gonna be a while

Playing spades

Yeah, how many books you got?

-Wait a minute. You brought cards?
-Yeah. Lisa, come on.

It's a family reunion.

Oh, there he is!
I heard you was here, Daniel.

Now it's a party.

Wait. You know my Uncle Bunk?

Well, sure, but I know him as
Mr. Robinson.

-How's your knee doing, sir?
-Better. I put a little Robitussin on it.

Works every time.
It's good to see you here.

I wasn't sure if that COVID
would keep you away.

Well, I got vaccinated,
but don't tell nobody.

Yeah. I hear you.

I got vaxxed, too, but it would
break my mama's heart

if she knew I took
a government needle.

I hear that.
I got to go, Daniel.

They got me watching my little nephew.
Always acting up.

That's child problem is he's
got no home training.

Yeah, and he needs to stay out of grown
folks' business before he get whipped!

See, Daniel?
I told you everybody loves you.

Oh, I only know like 20, 30
people here, tops.

To the right, to the right

To the left, to the left

Gonna fight, gonna fight

Now rub some Vasoline
Yeah, rub your Vasoline

Alright, great job, everybody!

And now it is time for the
"Soul Train" line!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, no.
I didn't know this was happening.

Well, listen, honey, you do
not have to do it, okay?

No, no, I wouldn't. I don't think
that would be appropriate, unless...

Now walk it by yourself
Yeah, walk it by yourself

Thanks to LCD Soundsystem,

Steve Martin, Candice Bergen,
Paul Rudd, Tina Fey,

Elliott Gould, Conan O'Brien, and the
Ukrainian Chorus Dumka of New York.

Thank you for watching, everybody.