All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E12.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Mr. President...

Mr. President, the situation in Ukraine is
growing tenser by the hour.

Putin has amassed over
100,000 troops at the border.

We're even getting some reports that
Russia has already invaded,

but those are from the same people who
said Tom Brady retired

so take it we the
grain of salt.

What about the NATO forces?
Are they ready to back us up?

Every country is sending supplies to
Ukraine except Germany.

They're staying out of it.

Oh, man! If Germany doesn't want to go
to war, you know it's bad.

Russia's military may be the
worst of our problems.

We have been tracking the spread of
Russian disinformation in Ukraine,

and there are some lies Ukrainians don't
know who to believe anymore.

Russia tried that during or last election,
too, but it didn't work.

40% of Americans think you lost the
election, so it kind of did.

Take a look at the posts that are
circulating on Ukrainian Facebook.

"Ukrainian border encroaching on
Russian troops."

"Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just
to give it big hug."

"Ukrainian president horny for drama.
Want war. Slap me harder, daddy."

I'm going to break my new year's
resolution and say it... lordy.

They're also bringing our
country into it.

"American CDC strongly recommends Russia
invades Ukraine."

Did the CDC really recommend that?

Yeah, for a few months in 2020.
The science was changing so fast.

There's also this...

"Neil Young to remove music from Spotify
unless Ukraine surrenders."

And this one is unbelievable.

"Are you a lonely Ukrainian
woman in search of a guy?

100,000 troops are standing by to talk to
you at soldiersonly.com."

My God. I mean, it is a good idea for a
web side.

They're turning our most
beloved heroes against us.

"I don't always get invaded but
when I do, I prefer Russia."

Not to mention this... "why I got to be
Ukrainian when Russia two feet away".

Nothing sacred to them, not even
guy check out hot girl.

It's not only memes. Look at this video a
Russian spy posted on TikTok.

What the hell was that?

Sir, it's a video with
8.7 million views.

No, I mean what the hell was that dancing?
The choreography wasn't even crisp.

I've got log in and flame those
guys in my comments.

Unfortunately, mr. President,
this goes beyond social media.

Look at this commercial airing
on Ukrainian Mtv.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm typical Ukrainian teenager
and have no hope for my future.

Tell me about it. That’s why I’m thinking
of going to Russia, which I stand.

Russia? You mean the land of wealth
and freedom? Bop!

That’s right. I hear you can get a
job in Russia right away,

mining arsenic and potash.

And whatever potash they don’t use for
fertilizer, you can get to eat.

But Russia is too popularle,
we'll never get in.

You're right.
If only Russia... come to us.

Brought to you by students for the Russian
invasion of Ukraine.

Cause Russia can get, period.

That's ridiculous. Now, which one of those
two was Zendaya?

Sir, these pro Russia commercials are
saturating Ukrainian television.

I mean, look at this one.

Oh, no, I am American ball-toss player
Aaron Rodgers,

and my car has broken down
in Ukraine.

Only one thing do.
Like a good neighbor, Russia is there.

Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers.
Need some help?

Jake from Russia.
Can you get me out of Ukraine?

Of course.
I will take to you meet our president.

He would love to see your Super
Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while?

Like a good neighbor, you are
in Russia.

There you go.

Wait, so you're telling me Ukrainians
are supposed to believe

that's the real Aaron Rogers?

Apparently that is the real
Aaron Rodgers.

I guess he left the Packers to
play in Russia.

What can we do to fight back
against all this propaganda?

Well, we have to fight fire
with fire.

That's why I'd like to introduce you to
our new secretary of defense, Makayla.

Hi. I'm Makayla, spelled the worst way.

I'm a junior at a vicious girls high
school, and y'all work for me now.

Hold on. The CIA must have operatives on
social media already.

Oh, they do, and it's rough.
Look at what your agents made.

"I like democracy.
Then don't side with me i'm Russia"?

- Oh, my God. That’s choogy.
- Facts, literally facts. I know.

The only thing more pathetic was
their attempt at TikTok.

What does that even mean? It almost looks
like if Russia invades

it would turn old
Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Let's do something fun and simple that
everyone can get by,

like a drone strike.

Okay, mr. Presindet, I think your
generation can learn a lot from mine.

Like, we don't believe in drone strikes.

We believe in breaking down our
enemies psychologically.

That's why I'm going to DM Putin and say,
oh, my God,

I loved your outfit the other day.
Was that old navy?

Already he's spiraling.

He's like, "do they think i'm poor?"

In three weeks, he will have completely
lost his mind.

Have you done this before?

Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

And live from New York, it's
Saturday night!

Musical guest, Katy Perry.

And your host, Willem Dafoe.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Willem Dafoe.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

It's great to be back home in New York.
This is where I started.

I moved here when I was 21.
Had no money

and rented an apartment on 10th and
Avenue a for 200 bucks a month.

That's where I learned how to act.
For example,

I had to act like I enjoyed having a
bathtub in my kitchen.

I got started in experimental theater.

I was an original member
of the Wooster Group.

And that background really taught me how
to throw myself into a role.

Some people tell me that my acting is over
the top, but to me,

one man's over the top
is another man's engaged performance.

For instance, in this scene, people assume
I'm about to toss somebody off a building.

When in reality, I was just
reading a really good book.

Look, I can't help that I have an
expressive face. I can't control it.

I don't think about controlling it. I'm
not one of those subtle actors,

like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino.

Maybe that's why people come up
to me and say,

"You know what role you'd be perfect for?
The Joker."

Always nice to hear that you got
the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I want to thank you all for coming
out in this snowstorm.

You know, when I was a kid in Appleton,
Wisconsin, winters were...

Excuse me. Did someone say Appleton,
Wisconsin?

Yeah, I did.

Well, you're never going to believe this,
but we're from Appleton, too.

Yep.
Born and raised.

That's nice. You came here to support
one of your own.

No. No.
We got tickets from the lottery.

Yeah. Had no idea you were hosting,
but we're huge fans.

I mean, we've seen all of your
"Spider-man" movies.

"Spider-man."
"Spider-man 2."

"Spider-man" the new one.

You know, I have done other
films.

Oh, yeah, we know. We know.
We loved you in "Full Metal Jacket."

I actually wasn't in that one.
Maybe you're thinking of "Platoon."

No, no. And you were great in "The
passion of the Christ."

I wasn't in that one, either. I was in
"Last Temptation of Christ."

Oh, well, what about "Speed 2:
Cruise Control"?

That was you in "Speed 2," right?

That was me.

Well, Appleton is just so
proud of you.

I mean, you're out there making
movies with big Hollywood stars

like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

We just wish you still had
your Wisconsin accent.

- Well, I can still speak Wisconsin.
- Oh, well, can you do it for us?

Yeah, I bet everyone back
home would just flip

if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Okay, sure. Hey, you guys,

let's go down to Crambos and get a drink
from the bubbler.

- Oh, you still got it!
- Yeah!

Has anyone told you you should
play the Joker?

We got a great show for you
tonight.

Katy Perry is here. So stick around.
And we'll be right back.

Okay, everyone. Welcome to the first
Tenants Association meeting of 2022.

I know we usually have coffee and Dunking
munchkins at this meeting

but I forgot to
pick them up.

Then why am I even here?
Shame on you!

Wow, she left.

Okay, we'll now hear tenant complaints and
concerns, but remember we're all neighbors

in this building so let's please
keep it civil.

Yes, miss d'Alessio from unit
7E.

What the hell is this?

You raised my maintenance fee up
$12 this month!

Well, we had to fix a leak in
the roof.

Well, this just in, I don't live on the
roof so I'm not paying it!

We're just going to send you
another bill.

Next, miss Quincy from 2F.

Hello. I would like to formally ask the
board permission's

to kill my neighbor's loud,
stupid, yappy dog.

Obviously, permission is denied.

Bitch, don't need it.
I was asking as a courtesy.

Miss Quincy, no.

- Yes, ms. Wilton?
- I am livid right now.

The laundry machines in this
building are a disgrace.

I wash my 13-year-old son's
socks every week.

But a day later, tada, they turn
hard as a rock.

Hear that?
Hear that?

I will go to the news with this
if the machines are not fixed.

Thank you and good-bye.

Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman,
Jamarcus, wants to say something.

Hey, folks, hey.
This is for all of the white tenants.

Not all of you but a lot of you.

I'm not sure how it started, but many of
you believe my name is Jamarcus,

it is not. My name is Robert.
I let it slide at first,

but it seems to be catching on and I
want to nip it in the bud.

Thank you.
Thank you, Jamarcus.

Next, Kevin and Clark from
8C.

Yes, I have a question.

- When is the building talent show?
- Tuesday.

- What time does it start I have to know.
- 5 to midnight.

- Is there food.
- No.

- Are there drinks?
- No.

- Who's performing?
- Just us so far.

So sign up today.

You were off-key.
You ruined it.

Wait!

- Wow, that should be fun, huh?
- Yeah.

Okay, next?

For those who don't know me,
I'm Chet Fillmoore.

I bought the top three floors of
this building in 1971 for $11

and it's been a pain in the ass
ever since.

My question is, what the hell
happened to this city?

Where's the danger, man?
Where's the art?

Back in my day, it was all pimps
and whores, junkies and perverts

all over Times Square, man.
It was great.

You'd go to CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke
on your face and we liked it.

Where did that city go, man?

No idea.
And what is your question?

I don't have one.

I just wanted to be a pain in
the ass.

Okay. Well, thank you Mr. Fillmore.
Yes, next?

Hi. I just moved to the city.
I'm new, I'm loving it.

I'm in 5F, the 300-square-foot studio with
no toilet and no windows.

My question is, when is my
$6,000 rent due?

On the 1st of the month, and
welcome to the building.

Next, Mr. Milos.

Yes.
Google translate.

I need to milk
faucet so make destruction.

Mr. Milos, I'm sorry, we
don't quite understand.

Yes. I start?
Thank you so much.

No, no, wait, he's going take
down another wall.

Okay, I see our billing super is here with
an update on the rodent situation.

Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Bad.

Okay. Thank you, Tommy. And next... sorry
remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang.
J-a-n K-rang.

Unit 9A, "A" as in Anna de la
Armas.

And I move that we ban all teens
from the building.

They gather outside my apartment to huff
white claws and do 69ers.

Miss Krang, we can't ban teens from the
building, so please give it up.

Yes, mr. Young?

When will Verizon install the
friggin' fios?

It's been ten years.

They said they're working on
it, sir.

Yes? Hello, boys.
Next.

- What's up?
- What's good?

We're NYU students subletting 11F.
I'm Jeremy. That's Conner.

What's good?

One of us might have maybe
dropped a small baggy of

baking soda in the elevator.

Uh, if you come across it,
please, please return to it 11F.

If it's what I think it is, it's going
straight in the trash.

DouChe.

Moving on to standing complaints.

Mr. Carson, the female lovemaking screams
are still coming from 5C every night.

Well, can you please ask your
guests to keep the volume down?

Hey, man, I ask my female guests to
shush it, but seems it's too good.

I had to ask.
Okay, moving on... oh, no.

Mrs. Bowman is this about the
building's pet policy?

No.

All right.
Go ahead.

Why the limit on cats per unit must be
raised

from 3 to 75. Part one...

Okay, no, no.
Meeting adjourned.

Thank you all.
Please pick up any trash on your way out.

Make the cleanup a little easier
for Jamarcus.

Please, guys, it's Robert!

Long day, late night, and I’m worn out

Hit the shower, kill the lights,
lay my body down

On the bed, rest my head, open Spotify

Rain and thunder sounds,
Then I close my eyes

Sleepin' like a baby
Then right then there’s a loud ass ad

Doordash delivers delicious food
right to your...

Now I’m up, up, up, up, up
Didn’t pay for the app up up up

Didn’t wanna spend the cash up up up up
So it plays all the ads up up up up

That’s the reason that I’m up

Snuggle up to my girl,
Nice and cozy

Dreaming ‘bout her and
She’s dreamin’ all about me

I roll over, touch the back of my neck
And I feel a little lump

Now i’m up up up up up
I’m on Web-MD up up up up

And i’m trying to get a pic up up up up
But they’re coming out blurry up up up up

2 am and I’m up

Back to bed,
I’ma get me some shut eye

Pull the sheet,
Turn the pillow to that cold side

Then I have a full body spasm

Now I’m up up up up up up up
Now I'm up

In the sheets, with the wife,
And I’m dreaming

Then she kicks me with her sharp ass
toenail

- And I’m up up up up up up
- I’m also up up up up up

It’s 3:53 up up up up
So I put on the TV up up up up

This is the only thing that’s on

And that’s what’s so great about the
Samurai Air Fryer.

- You want buffalo wings?
- I love wings!

- Wings!
- Stop it! Amazing!

- How about a perfect omelet?
- No. This cannot make eggs!

It can and it does and also you’re never
gonna fall back to sleep!

- No, you won’t!
- Even if you do,

- something else is gonna get you!
- Tell‘em what’s gonna wake ‘em up later.

I'm so glad you asked.

A motorcycle wakes you up up up up up up
You have to pee up up up up

Then you have to pee again up up up
Or your cat is on your face up up up up

So many reasons that you’re up
And just when you’re about to fall asleep

You wake up in a cold sweat cuz you
remembered

something embarrassing you did
back in high school

5 am, last chance, got the mask on
No light, no sound, feeling mad calm

Ear plugs, sound machine,
Getting hazy

Heads heavy and my limbs feeling lazy

Bout to slip to sleepy and then I remember
That someday I’m gonna die

Now I’m up, up, up, up, up, up, up
Now I’m up

Fighters, Barkers, Humpers and Shakers.

Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the
Bedminster dog show.

- Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.
- And I’m Miriam Jeans.

Dogs, they’re just like us.
Some of them by kids.

That’s correct. This show celebrates those
canine freaks

who prevent their owners
from having company or intimacy.

Today is for them.

Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth
and Mickey Bosworth.

They run a desert based dog ranch that’s
either an animal rescue

or a hoarding situation.

The dogs know not to mess with them, and
frankly, neither would I.

And here’s our first competitor. From the
shaking group, it’s Luna.

Now Luna hates the sound 'beat'. And if
she hears it,

she will try and climb up to your hair.
For her, the 4th of July is a war.

And the only safe space is
behind the toilet.

Luna is also scared of plastic bags,
men in hats, pineapples,

balloons, the Netflix startup sound,

her owners being in two separate rooms,

and this is embarrassing,
the sound of spoken Spanish.

And she also has what the vet calls
tangy vagingy.

- A vet said that?
- Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

All right, tell us about Luna.

If her favorite blanket is not fluffed
correctly,

she will cry real tears until I fix it.

If my boyfriend comes home and he is near
sitting me, sitting on the couch,

she will scream until he leaves. My life
is hell and I miss my friends.

- That’s good.
- Yes, take her around.

- No. No. Don’t clap.
- Do not clap.

If these dogs
hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Please do not clap.

A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Yes. And next from the mean
group, it’s Pigeon.

Pigeon is the sexual predator.

He’s been banned from every dog park in
the state of Maryland.

The vet called him 'not welcome here' and
the groomer called him manipulative.

Pigeon once tripped an old
lady on purpose.

His owner said quote “It looked like an
accident but I swear to God,

I saw him laugh.”
Let’s check in with the judges.

Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Well, he wakes me up at five by
biting my feet.

Then he goes in the hamper,
grabs my girlfriend’s underwear,

drags it under the dining room table and
barks aggressively.

I see. And why did you
choose this monster?

Oh, well, when we first got him he was so
quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized.

This is bad to say but I missed that
version of him.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Now, Judas, it says here that you and I
are married. Isn’t that right?

That is right. And now we do this.

Yes. Well, from the non walking group,
it’s Blueberry.

Sorry.
Blueberry, come on.

Blueberry, please.
Blueberry, I'm not picking you up.

Blueberry, we flew here.
Blueberry, you grounded a flight.

Sorry.

Blueberry once slid on a tile floor, and
it permanently made him insane.

Yes. He will only poop in the middle
of the street

and he is
medically unable to be in a car.

And to be clear, Blueberry can walk, he
just chooses not to.

Amazing.
Truly pointless.

And lastly, from the medical group,
it's Gizmo.

Now, Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad
teeth, bad anal glands, and a bad brain.

The total package.

He's allergic to anything that is
or isn't duck.

Judges squinting at something on his
tummy.

Can you tell us about his
weird little penis?

Yes. His weird little dog penis is
too big for his frame,

so when he bends down a certain way, it
gets stuck outside his body for hours

and it dries out so it won't go back in.
And it has to be lubricated

and reinserted by a veterinarian
several times a week.

I hate saying that, and I say it a lot.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Well. Looks like the judges are
about to announce the winner.

Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor
Thunder Shirt.

Thunder Shirts, squeeze your
stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

The winner will take home
the golden bathroom trash

along with a lifetime supply of buffalo
chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Yes. And the winner is gizmo.

Oh, no. Gizmo, don't get excited.
We just put it back in. Gizmo.

- Hey, if you got it, flaunt it.
- Yeah. Cut away. Good night.

- Frank Thomas?
- That's me. What's your name?

- I'm Mark. I'm a huge fan.
- Hey, I get that a lot.

Well, I don't want to bother
you, but you look great.

At my age, I try to stay in
the gym as much as possible.

I hear you.
But once I turned 40...

Let me guess, less energy?
Put on a few pounds?

- You said it.
- Lower drive? Can't get hard anymore?

Well, lower drive.

It's not your fault.
It happens to every man.

Testosterone levels drop as you age.
That's why you can't get hard anymore.

I didn't say that.
Holy crap, Doug Flutie?

- Yes.
- Mark here just turned 40.

Ah, let me guess, can't get
hard anymore, huh?

- Bingo.
- No, I never said that.

It's okay.
It happens to every man.

- I can still get hard.
- Sure you can, Mark.

You just need a little boost.
We all do, to get hard.

No, seriously, guys.
I'm actually fine down there.

You don't have to lie to us,
Mark. It's okay.

- See, as you get older...
- Testosterone levels drop.

Yeah, I know.
He already said it.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Oh, my God. Sir Willem Dafoe.

Sir Willem?
I'm not even British.

- Why did I think you were British?
- I don't know, man.

This is Mark. He came up to us and told us
he couldn't get hard anymore.

Stop saying that.

Let me guess, you just turned
the big 3-0.

- 30?
- It happens to every man, especially me.

I'm sorry, how do you guys
all know each other?

From Boner Stuff.
Met at a meeting.

Yeah, we all have the same
problem as you.

Okay, I want to say again, for the record,
I can still get very hard.

Damn right you can.
Now with Nugenix.

Nugenix?
What's nugenix?

Oh, so now you're interested?
Look at him, he's all ears now.

No, I was just asking
because...

At first he was like, no way,
I can get hard all the time.

Right? And now, he's like,
"Hmm, what's Nugenix?"

- “Please tell me more, sir”.
- That's you.

- Alright, it was nice meeting you guys.
- Honey, what's taking so long?

We're trying to help your
husband get hard again.

What?
Oh my God, aren't you...

Sir Willem Dafoe.
The pleasure's all mine, m'lady.

Ooh, charmer. You're even more
handsome in person.

- What the hell is that?
- That's Nugenix.

- What?
- That sound. It's me getting hard.

I'm sorry, what?

See, when a man reaches a certain age,
he can never get hard again.

- Until now, with Nugenix.
- Oh, and there's mine.

- Oh, my God. It's so loud.
- Great, now I'm getting hard, too.

- So Nugenix is a machine?
- Oh, so now he's interested.

- Are you okay?
- It's fine.

It's just your perfume smells
lovely, m'lady.

Babe, let's get out of here.

I love this!

Nugenix, testosterone boosting male
enhancement. Try it for free.

Oh, now you're interested.

Ladies and gentleman,
Katy Perry.

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening.
Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Ppdate."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, the stock market is plummeting and
there's a threat of land war in Europe,

so it looks like Democrats were right...
Joe Biden is the next FDR.

President Biden is working to prevent a
war between Russia and Ukraine,

and he said a video call between European
allies went, "very, very, very well."

Okay, the third "very" worries me.

You only say that when you're trying to
cover up for something.

Like if Matt Gaetz says that girl was
very, very, very over 18.

Ukrainian officials are saying the
repeated warnings of invasion

are causing panic and panic is the
sister of failure,

which is exactly what Lorne said to get us
to do this show during a blizzard.

Also, am I wrong? I thought Ivanka was
the sister of failure.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer
announced that he will retire in June.

We thank Justice Breyer for years of
upholding the rights of every American,

said liberals who have been tweeting,
"Retire, bitch," for a full year.

I sympathize with Breyer because
I get those very same tweets

every Saturday around this time.

President Biden promised to nominate the
first black woman to the Supreme Court.

But I hope it's not because he wants to
sniff a new type of hair.

This is why I get those tweets.

Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here
learning Betty White had died,

warned president Biden not to outsource
his choice for the Supreme Court

to the, quote, radical left.

Coincidentally, a radical left is also
what McDonnell takes

to purposely run over
stray dogs.

Virginia governor Glenn Youngkin has set
up a hotline for parents

to report schools they believe are
teaching critical race theory.

You know you're racist when you call the
cops about a black character in a book.

"Yeah, hi, I'd like to report a suspicious
black man rafting

with a young, white
hostage."

President Biden on Friday travelled to
Pittsburgh and promised

to rebuild a collapsed bridge using funds
from his infrastructure bill,

while Republicans feel the bridge should
just lift itself up by its bootstraps.

A new report shows that last year, the
U.S. economy grew at its fastest rate

since Ronald Reagan was president.

Biden has even started using Reagan's old
catch phase, "Where am I?"

Three items put up for auction
by Melania Trump

failed to reach the
opening bid of $250,000.

But Melania is no stranger to finding out
something

isn't worth as much as she
thought.

Tracking consumer data has never
been more difficult,

which makes
purchasing trends even harder to predict.

Here to talk about it are two trend
forecasters.

- Good evening, Michael.
- Good evening.

How do you guys predict
today's most popular trends?

Well, we have 4,000 computers.

They're all big, they all make
charts and they beep loud.

The numbers are in.
And the trends of today have been cast.

- Here is...
- The report.

- Our first category is...
- Fashion trends.

- In, shirt too big for body.
- In, hat too small for head.

- In, male cleavage.
- And out...

Shiny shoe.

Shiny shoe, you're out.
So go back to hell.

Stop flaunting your wealth, shiny shoe.
We're fighting a virus.

If I see you in the street,
I'll stab you in the face.

Go to bed, bitch.

Damn, seems like you guys
hate shiny shoes.

- We have our next category.
- Men trends.

- In, dry, calloused feet.
- In, doing the damn dishes.

- In, sobbing.
- And out...

Movie posters as decor.

Movie posers as decor, get effed.

Are you a band-aid?
'Cause I want to rip you off.

Oh, grow up, "Pulp Fiction"
poster and be a damn painting.

- Movie posters as decor...
- Go to bed!

Why do you guys keep sending
things to bed?

Because! We aren't allowed to send
them to death!

- What are you talking about?
- We're talking trends.

Emergency, emergency.
We have our next category.

Baby trends.

In, wearing the smallest
socks they make.

In, being twins.
In, being burped by a friend.

And out...

Dumping in their pants
and saying nothing!

Baby, why are you doing that?
That's insane.

This is a society. Eating cheerios with a
dump on your ass, no.

These quiet legends need to
speak up.

- Their silence is deafening.
- Get in your bed that is also a jail.

I'm sorry.
I... I... I don't understand.

There's no time to understand,
because it's time for future trends.

- In, euphoria, the feeling.
- In, A.P. U.S. Herstory.

And, uh-oh, back from hell, it's shiny
shoes. Congratulations, shoe.

What about the things that
are going to be out?

Well, Michael, the computer
only ousted three trends.

And you know that they all have to be
banished to hell for being out.

- Out is cat-eye glasses.
- Fidget spinners.

- And Michael Che!
- No!

- The trend forecasters, everybody.
- Go to bed, bitch.

- Go to bed.
- Amazing.

- Is this distracting?
- No, no, it's good.

Peloton is concerned after the TV show
"Billions" became the second series

in recent weeks to show a character having
a heart attack

while using their exercise bike.
And they are extremely worried about

how they factor into season two
of "Squid Game."

Items from the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
personal library are being auctioned off.

They're selling the books and the desks,
but to honor Ginsburg's legacy,

they're going to hang onto the seat for
way longer than they should.

The horse that...
I'll put on the glasses for this one.

The horse that played Seabiscuit in the
2003 film

has died at the age of 24,
so let's pour one out for a legend.

Go to bed!
I don't know.

The creator of "Full House" is selling his
Beverly Hills mansion,

which was built on
the site of a Manson family murder.

Wow, it is crazy to think that house has
connections to a sick, twisted criminal.

I'm sure she's fine.

McDonald's has introduced a new sandwich
that combines beef, fish and chicken

that they're calling the land, air and
sea. Wait, is air the chicken?

Does McDonald's think chickens fly?
Or do they just think this is a chicken?

A new study of female bottlenose dolphins
suggests that their clitoris

can experience pleasure during sexual
stimulation.

But sadly, their fins can't reach.

It was announced...

- Do you get it?
- Yeah.

It was announced...

it was announced that Mountain Dew's
Baja Blast is being converted into a new

alcoholic seltzer, which is then being
converted into your third DUI.

Last week's NFL games were some of the
most exciting football ever,

and the playoffs continue tomorrow with
the AFC and NFC championships.

Here to comment is hall of fame
quarterback

and two-time Super Bowl
champion, Peyton Manning.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
Thanks for having me, Colin.

I'm very happy you're here, Peyton.
You probably have a better perspective

on this than almost anyone in history.
How great were those games?

- Yeah, I heard they were incredible.
- You heard?

Yeah. Sounds like all the teams did a
great job. Lots of passing,

and all the
touchdowns were in the end zone.

- So you didn't watch any of the games?
- Well, I planned to,

but I had an hour to kill before the first
game so just for fun,

I put on the first
episode of "Emily in Paris" season two.

And I watched the entire season straight
through. Oh, my God, Colin,

this show has everything...

Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture,
a fresh take on feminism... finally.

Not to mention, a culinary tapestry so
rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed "Emily in
Paris."

But in football news, did you hear the
rumors that Tom Brady may be retiring?

Yeah. I'm not sure it's true.
I think it's probably just speculation.

But if it were me, I probably would retire

if it gave me more time to watch
"Emily in Paris."

I really think for Tom right now, it's
just a tough decision between

balancing his career and relationships,
sort of like Emily.

Let me break it down for you. This is a
classic showdown

between Emily's career
and her love life.

Early on, the Os were getting completely
dominated by the Xs,

and there were lots of Xs,
if you know what I mean.

- I do not, know.
- Gabriel, Mathieu Cadault, Timothy,

Doug from chicago, obviously.

Now Emily wants to go deep on a
relationship with Gabriel,

and to get ahead at work.

But as long as Camille is blocking her,
she's got to go through her progressions

and check down to Alfie in the flats.
Sure, it feels like a broken play,

and she's dumping it off, but emotionally,
she's making forward progress.

How much time do you spend on this?

And don't get me started on
the coaching, okay?

Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to
break her pinky promise

to forget about Gabriel and stay true to
Alfie? Sacre bleu, man.

It's almost halftime of season two.
You've got to call a time-out there.

Ooh-la-la?
More like, oh, no you didn't, girl.

Oh, man, I don't know,
I don't know.

But you know what's not sitting on the
sidelines? The fashion.

Striped parachute pants, plaid newsboy
hats, fur-trimmed cardigan,

and fingerless driving gloves?
She might not be driving a car,

but she sure knows how to drive an episode
down the field with these lewks.

By the way, that's looks but
it's spelled l-e-w-k.

Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly I just
cannot believe that you just spent

ten straight hours watching "Emily in
Paris." You could have seen Josh Allen,

Patrick Mahomes, one of the best
quarterback duels in history.

Sure, watching football was
the safe thing to do.

That's what everyone
expected me to do.

But if I've learned anything from Emily,
it's to follow my passions

and always be
true to myself.

The French have a saying, parlez-vous
francais. Which means, "you do you, girl."

I'm pretty sure that just
means "do you speak French?"

I don't speak French, Colin.
But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

So you think season two was even
better than season one.

- Wait. There's a season one?
- Peyton Manning, everyone.

Go, Bills!
They're still in it, right?

For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Colin Jost.

I'm Michael Che.
Good night.

- Belle, are you happy here with me?
- I'm... getting used to it.

What's wrong?

If only I could see my father
again, just for a moment.

Well, perhaps there is a way.

This magic mirror will show you
anything in the world.

- Anything?
- Yes, Belle, anything.

I'd like to see my father, please.

Bon soir. Is anybody home?

Belle, Belle, are you here?
Hello!

Oh, he's calling for me.
I knew my father missed me.

Of course he misses you, Belle.
He would be a fool if he didn't.

Okay, so, I am just double checking.

I am definitely alone then.

Nobody here in the cottage,
except little, old me.

Crazy old Maurice.

What?

Well, it seems like your father really
wants to make sure he's alone.

Well, he's never been by himself before.
He's probably frightened.

Yeah, I think we're the ones
who should be frightened.

This is the best day of my life

Yep, yep, here we go.
He's lighting all the candles now.

- Well, maybe he is cold.
- Nope. Not a shot.

- I know exactly what's happening here.
- But what's he doing now?

Don't look at me.
Don't look at me.

Don't look at me!
Don't look at me!

Look at me.

He just seems to be so lost
without me.

Belle, this guy's not thinking about you
at all, and if he is,

- we've got bigger problems.
- What's he doing now?

Well, that's not something
you see every day.

I'll tell you one thing...
The mirror never disappoints.

Okay, maybe we should do
something else.

Anybody want to sing "Be Our Guest" again?
It's a really, really good song.

Maybe later.
This is some sick stuff.

Harder!
Harder!

Oh, I like this dude.
He nasty.

Okay, okay, I think we've seen enough.
Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Quiet, the strangest thing of
all is happening.

Oh, my lady, look at how I'm
carrying on since your passing.

I just wish you were holding me close and
kissing my neck, stroking my hair,

stomping on my groin, spanking my ass!
Biting my ass!

So many wonderful things with my ass.

Oops, I broke the mirror.
Total accident. Can't believe it.

Any ways, see everyone at dinner and
let's never talk about this again.

I can't believe she broke the mirror.

Don't worry, guys, I got like
30 more in my room.

Wait, I don't understand.
What happened in that old man's cottage?

A tale as old as time... Which is a song I
would sing if we had the rights.

I know, dude. But that's like Jamie's
whole deal. Like, she would say that.

Hey, Mark, who is that?
Sorry, this is my friend, Conner.

Con, these are the guys I was
telling you about.

- What's up?
- Hey.

- Con, if I get tapas, do you want in?
- Yeah, the usual. What do I owe you?

Don't worry about it.
You got Uber last night.

Come on, guys, seriously. We have to get
to writing. So, I'm thinking something...

- Is Conner practicing violin?
- Yes, just ignore me.

- He needs to practice.
- Is Jost around?

- Jost?
- Conner wanted to pitch him some jokes.

Something like what do you call a white
bitch with dreadlocks?

- Dude.
- Sorry if he's not being the most PC.

- You sound like Jacob right now.
- Totally.

- Who is Jacob?
- Just a nerd in Con's grade.

Do you want tapas or just me and
the "C" train?

- Why are you friends with a 10-year-old?
- Because we get along, man.

I was tired of only hang out
with my toxic work friends.

Toxic?
You're hanging out with a kid.

Oh, my God.
It's not like we hook up.

- Well, dude, how are we supposed to know?
- It's a weird message coming across.

- How did you guys meet?
- We are on the same soccer team.

- The dragons.
- The dragons?

Hanging with the whole team tonight.
Got us a table at a nightclub.

- You, Connor, got a table at a nightclub?
No, dumb ass, I'm 10.

- Can you imagine?
- Yeah, like, hey, I'm 10,

let's go dancing and drink some
Hennessey.

- Why are you laughing?
- Conner is very funny.

- He is not funny.
- He is.

It's just his delivery or something.
He just has it.

- What are you talking about?
- Jeez, John.

No need to be such a Jacob.

I don't know Jacob, but that really hurts
my feelings.

It should, dude.
Oh, food's here.

How does it feel being a... baby?

All right, noodles with butter.
That's for me.

- And Con, the porterhouse, rare.
- Arigato, my friend.

He should not be eating a
rare porterhouse.

I wouldn't be giving anybody
else diet advice, tubby.

- Oh, my God.
- That does it.

- Whoa, man.
- I'm eating your steak now, dude.

- John!
- No, that's his steak!

You act like a jerk,
you get your steak eaten.

- John, are you crazy?
- No.

- John.
- Now, we got to order more.

- John, what's wrong?
- I'm choking.

- You're talking.
- No, I'm choking.

Oh, he's choking.

Connor, you saved my life.

Maybe I was wrong about you.

How about tonight we do go to a
nightclub?

Yeah.
I'd like that.

Conner, I got your e-mail.
I love that update joke.

Let's drink some Hennessey

Once again, Katy Perry.

Good news, it's
"Good Morning, Columbus."

Oh, hi, Ohio.

- You are too much!
- Welcome back.

- Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.
- Lots ahead in the 9:00 hour,

but first, our man about town, Scott Cott,
is with a local author

who's written a new self-help book about
finding happiness through self-discovery.

- Hmm, sounds interesting.
- Yeah, sure does.

Scott's down at a book signing at
Bergman's Books with dr. Benjamin Bloom,

author of "Blowing Yourself."
Scott?

Thanks, Langdon.
I am standing next to a man who

hopes to help millions of folks find
happiness through self-exploration.

Scott, I have to jump in. I misspoke
before, dr. Bloom's book is titled

"Knowing Yourself",
not "Blowing Yourself."

There were a lot of "B" words in a row on
the teleprompter

and I got a little tongue-tied. Sorry
about that, Scott.

It happens.
Now dr. Bloom, tell us about your book.

Well, it's a feel-good book.
It's about learning how to love yourself

by going down deep and embracing the part
of you that you discover down there.

- That's a lot to swallow.
- Sorry, Scott.

- Yes?
- Sorry, Scott.

Need to jump in here. We're having an
issue with our graphics that's making

this interview seem very inappropriate.
The book is "Knowing Yourself."

We do apologize.

Come on, graphics department.
What are you doing? Get it together.

- Scott.
- Thanks, Langdon.

- I see you have your wife with you.
- Yes, come on over, honey.

- Hi.
- This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Cindy, do you practice the techniques
in your husband's book?

Yes, it was a little harder
for me to get there, though.

I think women have to reach deeper into
themselves to find the same happiness.

Absolutely, women are generally more
complex,

- a lot more nooks and crannies.
- It can be an emotionally taxing process.

If you're like me, your sensitive side is
going to take a licking,

but in the end, trust me, it's so worth
it. So, buy his book.

- I had my nose buried in it for hours.
- I'm sure you did. Thank you, Cindy.

Doctor, you're going teach me one of your
breathing exercises here.

I tried yoga once and I was awful,
so hopefully I don't suck here.

Hey, it's okay to suck.
It's how we learn.

Okay, good.

- We've got some mats here.
- Let's get down.

- Great.
- You can do this in a chair at home also.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- You want to center yourself like so.
- Okay, centered.

Breathe deeply, really
fill your mouth with lots of...

Okay, no. Cut the audio.
Folks, we are so deeply sorry.

This looks very bad.

Maybe we go to sports?
Sports, yeah?

Nick, you want to give people your Super
Bowl predictions?

- No, let's let this play out.
- Thank you for nothing, Nick.

Looks like they're wrapping up.
Bring the audio back.

Wow, I have a long way to go.
I got to get practicing.

Well, don't go nuts when you're just
starting out. That would be going too far.

- Okay.
- But with time, I promise,

you'll rise to the occasion and
meet yourself halfway.

Yes!
Well said.

And you've certainly made some
fans out of our viewers.

@inselldaddy writes... "this dude is my
hero. Teach me sensai."

#nevergonnaleavethehouse.
Good stuff.

-Now you'll be down here all day, correct?
-Yes, I'll be signing copies of my book.

And at noon, I'll be demonstrating
my technique live.

Now, if you want to attend, you
can make a reservation online at www...

actually, they're telling me no, you
can't. I guess it sold out immediately.

Mr. Popular!
Back to you guys.

Those people who made a reservation
are going to be very disappointed.

All right, coming up in traffic, something
wander on the I-270,

and it's causing major traffic. That
something, a 400-pound wild whore.

Boar! Wild boar!
Let's go to commercials.

Okay, gang. These are all the files for
the Innotech case.

We're looking for any transactions that
point to funneling of funds

into improper overseas accounts.

This files go back six years.
This is going to take all night.

I mean, if we're lucky.

Guys, I'm sorry, there's nothing
we can do.

But, I did ask the new temp,
Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Done and done, boss.
I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Seems like plenty, Jeremiah.

And I think it's great that you are
reentering the workforce at your age.

Thank you, ma'am. Retirement wasn't for me
so I thought, what the heck. I don't know.

I'm excited.

Come on, everybody, grab a box and dig in.
The clock is ticking.

- We may as well get started.
- Great.

Okay.
Okay.

Wait.
Hey.

Yeah.

I like it.

Zapp-it-zap-zow.

- I like that.
- Zapp-it-zap-zow.

Oh, yeah.

- Zapp-it-zap-zow.
- Oh yeah.

- Zapp-it-zap-zow.
- Pap it pow.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight

In the jungle, the quiet jungle
The lion sleeps tonight

- Jeremiah. Why would do you that?
- I wanted to join in.

I thought it would bust through the
window, make a cool sound.

We're 15 stories up, man, you could have
killed someone!

What were you going to do through another
chair every eight bars?

If it sounded cool, I would have.

Hey, who threw a chair out
this building?

I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit
of a mishap.

A mishap? Man, that chair just
crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

We were signing an impromptu song sir.
Made it up on the spot.

Then someone threw a chair.
Do we remember who? Who did that?

You did a million dollars
worth of damage.

Please, sir, I know this is bad, but it is
his first day. Remember my first day?

I was so nervous I kept calling
you daddy.

You gave me a second chance.

He's got a point, sir.
What do you say?

I'm going regret this, but
I'll see you all here tomorrow.

- All right, let's see it.
- Okay, Jeremiah, you can do this. Ready?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Tracy!

No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay.
She’s hanging on the ledge.

I’ll throw another chair to help
her climb out.

- Jeremiah, no!
- Put the chair down.

The worst temp ever!

Thanks to Katy Perry, Alesso,
Peyton Manning,

Lorne Michaels and
everyone here at SNL.