All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E10.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

And now a message from
President Joe Biden.

Good evening. Yeah.

Thank you. Thanks.
Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.
Hello, my fellow Americans.

As I keep saying every chance I get, we're
in the middle of a cold, dark winter.

This winter is so dark, Republicans don't
think it should vote.

I know this virus has disrupted
our lives.

It's canceled holidays, weddings,
quinceañeras, gender-reveal parties,

wildfires that started as gender-reveal
parties,

whatever the hell is happening
with Novak Djokovic.

I know you're tired of getting emails from
your kids' school late at night saying,

"Okay, come in tomorrow.
We're feeling lucky."

I know every time a stranger breathes on
you, you think, "That's it. I'm dead."

America, I'm here to tell you there is one
simple thing

you can do to make this whole
virus go away.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Just stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Okay, think about it.

When did "Spider-Man" come out?
December 17th.

When did every single person get
omicron?

The week after December 17th.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."
That's really all I have to say.

I yield the remainder of my time
for questions.

- Yes?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, did you really

just blame the entire spread of Omicron on
people seeing "Spider-Man"?

I did, yes. Next question?

So you think all COVID will end if people
stop going to the movies?

I didn't say don't go to the
movies.

I said stop seeing "Spider-Man."
See anything else.

I saw the first half-hour of
"House of Gucci."

That's more than enough movie
for anyone.

Is this theory based on any
kind of data?

Yes. Everyone in America has seen
"Spider-Man" like eight times.

Everyone in America also has
COVID.

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

- Have you seen "Spider-Man?"
- I couldn't get tickets.

And I'm on the Stubs A-List.

Jill and I tried to go last night. They
only had one seat left in the front row.

What was I supposed to do?
Make Jill go see "Encanto" alone?

While I sit two inches from the
screen like this?

Stop seeing "Spider-Man."

Alright, what about experts who say that
the real problem is a lack of testing?

Oh, they tested "Spider-Man."

It's got 98% on au gratin
potatoes.

He meant testing for COVID.

You want to know if you have COVID?
Look at your hand.

Is it holding a ticket that says you
recently went to see "Spider-Man"?

If so, then you have COVID.

Alright, well, then, what about the other
problems facing America, like inflation?

"Spider-Man."

Okay, then why can't Democrats pass the
voting rights bill?

You think people can focus on voting
rights

when Spider-Man's Aunt May is a
freakin' smoke show?

Mr. President, isn't the real reason you
can't pass the voting rights act

because members of your own party refuse
to get rid of the filibuster?

It's true.
Spider-Man has his villains.

I have Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.

The only difference is if one of
Spider-Man's villains saw Kyrsten Sinema,

they'd be like, "Hey, honey, that outfit
is a little much."

And what about the Russian troops that are
now surrounding the Ukrainian border,

pushing us to the brink of World War III?

I mean, if that doesn't sound like a job
for Spider-Man, I don't know what is.

Okay, I got time for one more
question.

Yes, the nerd.

Okay. Mr. President, it sounds like you
want people to stop seeing "Spider-Man."

That's the general idea, yeah.

But do you think that elsewhere in the
multiverse,

there's a version of you that
wants people to see "Spider-Man"?

Finally, a good question!

I've actually thought about this a lot.

I've consulted with Dr. Fauci
and Doctor Strange.

As far as I can tell,
there are at least three Joe Bidens.

One of them is me. One of them is a Joe
Biden that lost to Trump.

That Biden hosts a show on CNBC
called "T-Birds, Tacos and Trains."

And then there's a third Joe Biden who's
the greatest president in history.

My approval ratings are sky high.

I'm actually supported by my own party,
and I understand the show "Euphoria."

I'm sorry. You're now saying that we're
living in a Spider-Man-style multiverse?

Doesn't that make more sense than whatever
the hell our current world is?

I mean, seriously.
Seriously! Come on!

I mean, seriously, don't you wake up every
morning, look at the news and think,

"Ah, this can't be right? This is all
crazy.

People got vaccinated and the
pandemic got worse?"

You have to wear a mask at a restaurant
for the 10 feet until you sit down,

then you take it off for the whole meal

unless you got to go to the bathroom,
then you gotta put it back on?

Is there COVID in the bathroom?
How does any of it make sense?!

- Mr. President, are you okay?
- For the first time, hell yes!

It's like the webs have fallen from my
eyes. I can finally see.

Then the time has come.
You are ready.

- Okay. Who the hell is that?
- I am Joe Biden from the real universe.

The timeline you are all living
in is about to collapse.

You see, it was created as a joke starting
in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs

won the World Series.

Now it spiraled out of control and could
explode at any minute.

- Am I the president in this real world?
- Of course not.

Did you really think you'd lose 4 times
and then finally win when you were 78?

What about the rest of us?
Are we okay in the real world?

Everyone on Earth is better off in the
real world except one man

named Pete Davidson.
Your world is maybe more fun for him.

Now hurry before the portal closes.

I'll come back for all of you, I promise.

Right after I pass the
Build Back Better bill.

Dude, even in the real universe, that
thing's not passing.

Then live from
New York, it's "Saturday Night"!

Musical Guest, Bleachers.

And your host, Ariana DeBose.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ariana DeBose.

Hey!
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am so honored to be here
tonight.

2022 has already been an
exciting year.

I am hosting "SNL,"

and I won a Golden Globe for my role as
Anita in "West Side Story."

So now, not many people know this, but
"West Side Story" is actually based on

another classic tale of star-crossed
lover, "90 Day Fiance."

But it is great to be here representing
not only the Latino community

as an Afro-Latina but...

But also the Broadway community.
Yeah, obviously...

Obviously Broadway has been through a lot
these last past couple of years.

Last past, anyways.
But we are a community that perseveres.

I believe Broadway changes lives.
I mean, hey, it changed mine.

And Broadway has this magical ability to
bring people together.

And I think we can all use a
little Broadway right now.

Maybe...
Maybe...

Maybe a little something from
"West Side Story," huh?

Hi. Did I hear "sing songs from 'West Side
Story' with Kate McKinnon"?

- Uh, no, but hi, Kate.
- Hi.

I'm sorry, it's my favorite show.

I've loved it since elementary school,
you know.

- Well, did you like the movie?
- I didn't see it.

I don't leave the house 'cause of COVID,
and also 'cause I don't leave the house.

Well, in that case, why don't we bring out
some stools and we can sing together?

Oh, no, I don't, I don't...

I don't even... I don't even know if I
even remember the songs.

"Tonight" in "A" flat, thanks.

Tonight, tonight
It all began tonight

I saw you and the world went
away

Ariana DeBose.

Tonight, tonight
There's only you tonight

What you are, what you do,
what you saaaaay

- That's pretty good, Kate.
- I've been on Broadway.

- Oh, you have?
- Yeah. Like, the sidewalk.

I feel pretty, oh, so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay

And I pity any girl who isn't
me today

-See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
-What mirror?

Who can that
attractive girl be?

Which, what, where, who?

Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile

Such a pretty meeeee

I love that song.

I mean... I mean, just singing it makes me
feel pretty.

Yeah, which is crazy 'cause like an hour
ago, we were both in sweatpants,

spooning
our 13-year-old cats, so...

Yeah, well, I wasn't doing
that, but that's okay.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, mambo.
Mambo, go!

Your turn.

Oh, no, they know I dance.

Could beeee

Who knows?

- There's something due any day
- I will know right away

Soon as it shows

It may come cannonballing down through the
sky, gleam in its eye

Bright as a rooooose

I like to be in America
Okay by me in America

Everything free in America
For a small fee in America

Finale.

Today

The minutes seem like hours

The hours go so slowly

and still the sky is liiiiight

Oh, moon, grow bright

And make this endless day
Endless niiiiiiight

Toniiiiiiiiiiight

We have got a great show for you tonight.
Bleachers are here.

So stick around.
We'll be right back.

Happy 75th, Nana!

Welcome back to "NBA on TNT."
Halftime, Nets and Kings.

Ernie Johnson joined by my pals
Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith.

Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Yeah, he said he got something called Shaq
flu, but let's call it what it is.

The man have COVID!

Hey, hey, hey, Charles, you
don't know that for sure.

Filling in for Shaq is another
big man, Yao Ming.

Yes. Yao is here.
Hello.

Yao, you are enormous, man.

You know, before the show, I watched this
man eat an entire pumpkin, stem and all.

It's just a snack for Yao.

Well, speaking of COVID, before the game,
the Kings' entire team tested positive,

along with most of their coaching staff
and trainers,

and they were forced to find replacements
very quick, but they did,

and at the half,
it's Nets lead the Kings 268-1.

Charles, why can't Sacramento
get anything going tonight?

Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to
me is that

the Kings don't have any NBA players on
their team, whereas the Nets do.

Yep, I wrote down the same thing.

You can see how the Kings' lack of NBA
players is reflected in the score.

Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all
fans or arena support staff.

Any thoughts?
Any thoughts, Yao?

They're tiny people.
Too small.

Well said, Yao.

Let's look at a matchup here.

At forward, you got James Harden
for the Nets

and equipment manager Dougie
McCormick for the Kings.

Okay, look at those numbers.

McCormick is getting outplayed out there,
and the two asthma attacks didn't help.

That's been the case for many
Kings players tonight.

Hannah Dalton is courtside with
one of them now. Hannah.

I'm here with Riley Beckwith.
What position did you play tonight?

Uh, left side.

Not the best first half for the Kings.
And what was it like out on the court?

Uh, yeah. Sorry, kind of winded.
I was working hard out there.

- You're tall. How tall are you?
- 5'7".

Okay.
That's tall.

Yeah, look, Brooklyn came to play tonight.

I was confident going in 'cause I play
pickup B-ball at my gym

with a bunch of white guys my size, but
being out there against the Nets,

I realized that basketball's an impossible
sport played by giants and gods.

Well, good luck in the second
half.

Oh, thank you so much.
I won't be here.

I'm scared so I'm going home.
Thank you so much.

Well, not every Kings player has been shut
out. Alicia Miller managed to put one

on the board for Sacramento.
She joins us now.

Alicia, I understand you came to
the game with some friends

- and then you were asked to play.
- Yeah. Isn't that wild?

This is like the craziest girls
night ever.

- And you made a free throw.
- I did. It was underhand, too.

Cool. Well, you were also called for
traveling 39 times.

Ugh. I know. I keep forgetting to bounce
the ball.

Yeah. Well, then you got ejected for
taking a selfie

with Blake Griffin during
the game.

Okay, but I had to.
I didn't know if I would see him again.

You know, you got to, like,
shoot your shot.

Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys
are an astounding 0 for 3

from the field with 184 blocked shots.

I don't really know what that
means, but, you know, go, Sacs!

Well, thank you, Alicia.

Couple of NBA records tonight.

Most points scored by a player by in the
first half, Kevin Durant with 178.

And most players crying on the
court at once,

six Kings players were crying
at the same time.

Hold up. I'm sorry, y'all. But I just got
a glimpse of Yao's hand.

It is huge, man.

Hey, put it up to mine. Let me see here.
Look at it. Look at this.

Man, that's like the Iron Giant.

No, no, no, not my face, man.
Get out of here. Crazy.

Well, let's go right to the source of the
Kings' issues tonight.

Temporary coach Patrick Beamus
joins us live.

Now, you coach at Little Dunkers
day camp.

That's correct.
I coach my son's team.

He was actually drafted, too.
He's been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Oh, yeah, I think we got a
picture of that.

Yeah, yeah.
He actually got kind of hurt there.

Kind of hope we both get COVID
so we can leave.

Sounds about right.
Thank you, Coach.

Kenny, how can Sac Town pull off
a win tonight?

I'd say if a Kings player has some sort of
"Space Jam"-like Mike

magical shoe situation, they might be able
to salvage a win. Charles?

Well, my prediction is I'm out 100 grand
'cause I bet on these clowns to win.

- Why do I do this to myself?
- I don't know.

Alright, well, we got to take a
break.

Yao, you want to throw us to
commercial, bud?

Goodbye.

Yao.

Man, I love you, man.

You know what? Come on, let's get this
man another pumpkin.

We'll be right back.

This week, Peacock dropped the trailer for
"Bel Air," executive producer Will Smith's

modern, dramatic reimagining of
the "Fresh Prince" story.

This town will try to make
you forget where you came from.

Now, we're proud to debut the trailer for
the next '90s show about the

black experience to be given a serious,
high-stakes remake.

Chicago.

People from outside call it
Chiraq, but I call it home.

Around here, ain't no good news
on the newspaper page.

Only advantage I got, my mind.

That don't count for much in
these streets

'cause out here,
you got to make your own name.

From executive producers Jaleel White and
Kevin Fenley, writer of the "Family

Matters" episode "Urkel accidentally
switches bodies with the President."

Ooh, hey, look at Tina.
She thicc!

There's only one girl for me,
yo.

Who? Laura Winslow?
That bougie neighbor girl?

The goofy characters you loved in the '90s
with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

Flowers, my pet?

Steve, it ain't like that between us.
I'm not your pet.

- But I love you.
- Are you deaf, Steve?!

She ain't interested!
Now get the hell out of here!

You were hard on that boy, Dad. You know,
life ain't been easy for him.

Father's gone, mother's a drunk.

When you gonna stop working on that stupid
robot and make some money for this family?

What family?

I raised a damn nerd.

A young genius alone
in the world.

You don't love her.

Nah, but I love how she make
it clap.

Oh, you broke my nose!

Did I do that?
Did I do that?

What if I shot you in the face?
Should I do that?

Drop the gun, Steve!

Rolling Stone raves...

...while Entertainment Weekly adds this
gif of Kevin Hart looking horrified.

You're pulling guns out on
kids, Steve?

The Steve Urkel I know is way too smart
for that hood nonsense.

You don't know what it's like
out here.

Son, I've been a Chicago cop
for 20 years.

- Where's the girl?
- Go to hell, pig.

Pig?

Oink, oink, bitch!

If you continue down this path,

you're going to wind up dead or
locked up by your 18th birthday.

So? Ain't nobody going to care if
I'm gone. I ain't got a family.

You're wrong, Steve.
The Winslows are your family.

And family matters.

"Urkel" streaming this spring
on Peacock.

Uh-oh, there's a nip in the
air and everything's dead.

You know what that means.

It's time for the most
important day of your daughter's life.

Her high school winter
formal.

And if you want her to have an amazing
time, call us, Ron and Donna Lacatza.

Our Formal Emporium is your
one-stop shop

for all your
daughter's school dance needs.

We've got corsages fresh from
our garden.

We've got dresses that are as pretty as
she is. Eh, depending on the girl.

And if you're worried about your daughter
having sex after the dance, don't be.

- We have the perfect solution.
- She can take our son Donovan.

- Because Donovan...
- Wouldn't know where to start.

Ah, come on.

We'll also provide her with a photographer
who will take gorgeous photos.

And a limousine that we made out of two
gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

And with our sweaty son, your daughter is
guaranteed to remain unpenetrated.

And that's a Lacatza
promise.

Ah, well, maybe one day.

He's not gonna try anything.

The dude gets nervous shaking
his grandma's hand.

And he's a lazy wiper.
You can smell it.

And if you're worried about what might go
on at the after party, don't be.

Donovan's got you covered.

He medically can't stay up past
10:00 p.m.

- When I get tired, I freak out.
- Yup.

Donovan's just one of those kids who's got
one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shout-out, Scotty and Gavin.

But enough about our
off-putting baby boy.

Let's talk to some satisfied
customers.

I rented a dress, and I got a
compliment from Jason Mazinski.

I rented a limo and me and my
friends felt like rock stars.

I rented Donovan, and on the way there he,
like, sat up front with the driver.

And he had crumbs on his lips
the whole night.

Yeah, see, our boy's always
got something on his lips.

Gary! Gary!
Zoom in on those lips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, zoom in.
Zoom in. Come on!

What's that white stuff?
What is that? Is that cream cheese?

Nah, I just think my mouth is
like this.

Hey, who is giving you cream
cheese, huh?

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Were you still going on about
something over there?

Oh, um, yeah.

Well, he, like, didn't dance the whole
night and then he went nuts to "Get Low."

Till the sweat drop down my
balls

I'm sorry.

And then he got too hot and changed into
like a Los Pollos Hermanos T-shirt.

Like, what even is that?

I told you a million times, it's the
restaurant from "Breaking Bad."

And if somehow you're still not convinced
to think our son is some secret Casanova,

may we direct you and attention to his
clinical swamp ass?

Oh, no, don't spin me around.

Gary, zoom in on his wet,
little ass.

- Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at that.
- Zoom, Gary, zoom!

- It's all soupy. It's so soupy.
- It's wet, Gary.

We don't mean to embarrass you,
Donovan,

but it looks like you
pissed yourself from the back.

- How did he end up like this?
- Well, parenting is hard.

And I drank while I was
pregnant.

And that's a Lacatza
promise.

What is?

Who put that song on?!
That's my boy's song!

Hey, I love this song!

So stop by today.

We do not have a website, and we
barely have a phone!

Good morning, everyone.

I'd like to welcome everyone to
City Hall.

As you know, it's been a tough few years
for New York,

but we have a new mayor now.
And he hungry.

But I will warn you, the mayor
does not like chaos.

If y'all act up, I will come for
you, okay?

Now please clap for your new mayor, the
friskiest uncle at your barbecue,

ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams!

Hey, okay!

Yeah, I see you, New York.
Oh! Smile, everybody!

It's New York, it's January.
Uh-oh, hey!

Ain't no contact, but she know I'm there.
You know what I'm saying?

Watch yourself, sir.

After I watch you, girl, go
ahead, cut the trip.

What's up, New York?
Yeah, that's right.

It's your homeboy, your hometown
hero, Eric Adams.

And you feel that, huh? New York is back,
baby, you know?

This city's never had a mayor
with so much swagger before.

I mean, y'all see me outside.

The pea coats, the scarves, the shine on
the baldy, though.

You can tell I have swagger.
It keeps me healthy.

See, the city's been suffering from what I
like to call "a swagless existence."

Y'all ain't had no swagger.
That's why you're getting sick.

No offense, let's just be real. I haven't
been sick in over 60 years.

I'm muscular, I'm vegan, and I get that
thing-thing every day before breakfast.

You can't start the day without finishing
first, you understand me?

I'm just playing, unless you
like that.

Okay, now let's get to some questions so
we can fix this city.

Bitch, I'm from New York.
Let's go!

- Mister mayor! Mister mayor!
- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, no, no.

I do not do chaos in my city, okay?
I told y'all that.

I was a police officer for over 70 years.

If I get startled, I start beating
people's asses. I don't want to do that.

And excuse me, but this man,
he is not Bill de Blasio.

- Nah, I ain't like that weak-ass...
- No, he will kick your ass.

Okay, okay, now, she's joking, but she's
from the Bronx, so is she?

Okay. Questions? Let's start with the
squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Uh, me? Okay.

Uh, Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep
schools open despite skyrocketing

COVID numbers and outcry from teachers.
Does that still make sense?

Thank you, nut-nut.

Little squirrel man asked a
really good question.

Yes, kids need to stay in
school, learn about life.

There are too many swagless parents out
there giving their kids no swagger

at home, and as a mayor that is so saucy,

just dripping in swag goo,
it hurts my heart.

It's dangerous to have your kids
out there with no swag.

Let me tell you a story about a boy I went
to school with, little Timmy.

Now, the boy had no swag.

Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt,
dumbass pants.

One day, little Timmy walked his dusty ass
up to the finest girl in school,

Tiffany Duboiton.
Hoo! She was fine, y'all.

Now, little Timmy looked her
right in the eye and, boom!

dropped dead right there, lack
of swagger.

The lack of swagger stopped the
boy heart. It was so sad.

And you know what Shakespeare
says. "If doth lacketh the swagger,

why for art thou heart shall beat no more"
or something like that.

Bitch, I'm from New York.
Does that answer your question?

- Not really, no.

Good. Next question.

- Wait, Mr. Mayor, one more question.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"Excuse me, let me ask you one
more question."

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's how y'all sound.
Yes.

This ain't the C train, okay?
We have rules here.

Yes, we do.

- Proceed.
- Yes.

Alright then, Miss Lady, go
ahead.

Mr. Mayor, last week, you said "low-skill
workers don't have

the skills to sit in an office."
Do you really believe that?

I'm glad you brought that
back up, Princess Peach.

And congrats on escaping that
castle.

Look, that quote was taken out of context,
obviously. Let me clarify.

By "unskilled workers," I meant folks with
trash jobs... I mean...

I mean, trash lives.
Wait, no.

What I mean is, if you were better at
life, you would have a desk.

No.
Look. I'm sorry.

Y'all mishearing me and it's
making me misquote myself.

Listen, we in this society,
okay?

And there are kings and there are queens,
and then there are

everybody else below that, the dirty
people. Is that better for you?

Hey, I don't like the way you're
making me feel right now.

I mean, I was a cop for 97 years.
Do you understand me?

Show me some respect.
Next question, weird Eminem.

Yeah, the hair.

Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your
brother have

to be head of your security detail?
Isn't that nepotism?

Thank you, sica-sica,
Slim Shady.

Now, y'all keep asking about
my brother like

y'all could kick his ass
or something.

Listen, I was a cop for over
222 years, okay?

I trust my brother. We got a lot of
secrets together, bad, too.

Plus y'all forget JFK appointed
his brother.

Why?
Because the man had swagger.

I could be your JFK, New York.

And I'm out here looking for my Marilyn
Monroe. Shout-out to Sa-a-weetie.

But look, unlike JFK, I'm not
gonna get popped in the head.

I'm gonna receive some.
Hey, hey!

Okay, that was my staff waving
at me saying

I should not have
made that joke, and that's fair.

I do apologize.
Unless you like that.

Now, I'll leave you with this,
New York.

Y'all are in good, black
Paul Bunyan hands, alright?

And we're going to beat this virus
together, and I believe that.

Plus, you know what rhymes with
"cough"? "Tough."

And I mean, it doesn't, but it
should.

And New York is tough as hell, and I dare
COVID to run up on me.

I swear to... Please, COVID.
Come to Brooklyn, bro.

Walk right up to this ass
whooping, okay?

I'll leave the light on for you,
dawg.

COVID is welcome any time in
New York. And you can print that.

Okay, okay, well, maybe let's not welcome
the virus,

but thank you, everyone,
seriously.

Alright, well, let's have a
great four years, everybody.

Bitch, I'm from New York.
Let's go.

Okay, okay!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bleachers!

I think they want more!

Let's do it!
Ready!

You want to go?!
Okay!

We love Mikey and Reynolds, but
we're still gonna say hot!

Hot!
Hey!

It's "Weekend Update" with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.
Thanks.

Thank you.
Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to "Weekend Update."
I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, just like --
Too much.

Well, just like everybody else, President
Biden's New Year's resolutions

fell apart in the third week of January.

The Supreme Court struck down his vaccine
mandate, the voting-rights bill

got blocked, and his approval rating is so
low, it's gone into power-save mode.

But I will point out there was another
president who had a disastrous start

to his first term, yet he became
an inspiration

to generations of
Republicans even to this day.

I'm talking, of course, about
Jefferson Davis.

President of the Confederacy. And there
are still statues of him

in 10 different states, which, come to
think of it,

probably explains why the voting-rights
stuff isn't working out.

The bottom line is, I think Biden just
needs more time.

He might be more of an
acquired taste.

Unfortunately, most Americans recently
lost their sense of taste.

President Biden gave a speech in Atlanta
where he called on the Senate

to pass two voting-rights bills, saying,
"I am tired of being quiet."

And to prove it, he took a 20-minute
standing nap.

Minority leader Mitch McConnell, seen here
losing the battle

with his breakfast burrito,

criticized President Biden's speech on
voting rights,

calling it "beneath his office."

Coincidentally, "beneath his office" is
also where McConnell buries

the homeless men he hunts for sport.

Fun fact. Republicans are being criticized
for block the voting-rights bill,

but, of course, Republicans don't want
voting rights,

because if voting was fair,
they'd lose.

It's the same reason I keep my basketball
hoop lowered to 8 feet.

Because with the help of a small ladder, I
can dunk.

But if there's any silver lining
to voter suppression,

it's that we'll never have to hear
Republicans try to appeal to Black voters.

Because no one wants to hear
Ted Cruz say "for shizzle."

Frankly, no one wants to hear me
say it, either,

but it's too late, it's already a GIF.

Leader of the Oath Keepers, Stewart
Rhodes, has been arrested and charged

with seditious conspiracy in connection
with the January 6th attack.

But I don't know. He looks pretty
remorseful.

Hopefully... Hopefully, he can
patch things up.

Yeah, yeah.

That wasn't an eye joke.
I was... I was being genuine.

Rhodes is being accused of messaging his
right-wing group

with instructions on how
to use force to attack the Capitol.

Authorities knew the messages were from
Rhodes because they all began with

"Arr, matey!"

That's... That's not what that was.
That wasn't an eye joke at all.

- It wasn't an eye joke.
- No, it wasn't an eye joke.

During a senate committee hearing, Dr.
Anthony Fauci was heard on a hot mic

calling Senator Roger Marshall a moron.

Replied Marshall, "Hey!
What's that word mean?"

Pope Francis said this week that getting
vaccinated against COVID

is a moral obligation, especially since
priests work so closely with kids.

That wasn't an eye joke.

Delta Airlines said that this winter's
COVID surge cost them more

than $400 million in canceled flights
after 8,000 employees caught Coronavirus,

which would never happen to Spirit
Airlines employees

because when you fly Spirit,
they keep the windows open.

Robert Durst, the New York real-estate
heir who murdered his friend

and dismembered his neighbor
has died in prison.

Durst will be remembered as New York's
fourth-worst real-estate heir.

The late Maya Angelou has become the first
Black woman featured on the quarter,

which is not what Black people
mean when we demand change.

Google is claiming that Apple's practice
of using blue bubbles

in their iMessage app to highlight other
Apple users

leads to peer pressure and
bullying of Android users.

While Apple says, Android users could
easily solve the problem

by not being so
dumb and poor.

Prince Andrew, who faces charges of sexual
abuse, has been stripped of his royal

duties by Queen Elizabeth.

It's an unprecedented case of an adult
stripping Prince Andrew.

You had me at
"royal duties."

Domino's is reducing the number of chicken
wings included in their meals,

and I really wish I'd known that before I
had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

A man in Virginia is being called the
greatest Uber driver ever

after he and his teenage passenger got
stuck in a snowstorm

and he got a hotel
room so she would be safe.

Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever

also brought his teenage passenger
to a hotel room.

A lesbian bar in New York City is now
offering onsite COVID tests for customers.

They plan to use a much less invasive
technique

where they sort of just grind
around the outside.

Taco Bell --
Well, this is a terrible transition.

Oh, God.

Taco Bell has introduced a subscription
service that lets users get one taco

every day for $10 a month, which kind of
sounds like an insult at a rap battle.

"This bitch so fat, he got a
subscription to tacos."

Elmo was trending last week after clips of
his feud

with a pet rock named Rocco went viral.
Here to comment is Elmo.

Hi! Hi!

Hi, everybody!
Hello, Michael!

"SNL," yay

Wow! Thank you for being
here, Elmo.

Oh, of course!
"SNL" is Elmo's favorite.

- Um, m-maybe one day Elmo can host?
- Maybe. Yeah.

Now, Elmo, everybody's been talking about
your beef

with your friend Zoe's pet rock,
Rocco.

Okay, yeah.

You know, there's all these
clips of you going on crazy,

unhinged rants about how Rocco's
not real.

Okay, okay. Look, Elmo admit
Elmo overreacted.

And Elmo has already apologized
in a long Instagram post.

Elmo ready to move on.

Well, that's great to hear, Elmo, because

we actually about to bring out a surprise
guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rocco!

What?!

Why does Rocco get a chair?

Well, because Rocco's our
guest, Elmo.

Rocco?!
Rocco doesn't need a chair!

Rocco doesn't even have legs!
Rocco's a rock!

What is Rocco doing here?!

Well, he was in the building
getting a COVID test.

How?! How is Rocco getting a COVID test?
Tell Elmo!

Rocco doesn't even have a nose! Rocco
doesn't even have a respiratory system!

Hey, look, "SNL" requires all
visitors to get tested, okay?

Why is Rocco visiting "SNL"?

Oh, we wanted him to get a feel of the
place before he hosts next month.

- What?!
- Oh, you didn't see? Look.

- What?!
- Yeah.

Rocco is host and musical
guest? How?!

Wait, hold on.
What's that Rocco?

Yeah, that's kind of true.
Elmo do be doing that.

D-D-Don't gaslight Elmo.
Come on, Mike.

Elmo feel like Elmo going insane
here.

Hey, you know, I really like this dude,
man. Here, man, have a cookie.

Have a little cookie.

Can Elmo have a cookie?

No, I'm sorry, man, that's my
last one.

The last cookie?!
The last cookie?!

It's happening again!

Okay. That's it!
Paper covers rock!

Prepare to die, Rocco!

Oh! Come on, man!
Rocco's family is here!

I'm sorry.

- Elmo give up. I'm sorry.
- Rocco, everybody!

Rocco?!
Elmo was the one being interviewed!

You were next. For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Michael Che!

I'm Colin Jost. Good night!

Now, children, as you know, I recently
moved in with your neighbors,

the Von Trapps, and I instantly made all
of their children perfect.

And your father says you're in
need of the same thing.

Oh, Maria, you're going to be
our teacher, too?

Well, not, not quite. See, between
concerts and puppet shows

and fleeing the Nazis,
I'm already stretched quite thin.

Well, then, who's going to be
our new governess?

I'm delighted to say I found
someone perfect.

She's quirky and fun and, just like me,

she just got kicked out of a nunnery for
erratic behavior.

Frau Schmemkin!

The hills are alive

Oh, wow, Maria! She loves the outdoors
just like you.

Oh, no, I'm saying the hills are alive,
and do not go out there.

Okay.
She's not exactly like me.

Well, now, children, if Maria has taught
me anything in the car ride over here,

it's that you can solve all of the
family's emotional problems

- just by singing.
- Singing? What's that?

Oh! It's easy. I'll teach you. With
Maria's permission, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Pretend I'm not even here.
You're gonna be great. Yep.

Let's start at the very start of the song

It'd be crazy to start in the middle

When you read, you begin with
do re mi

And singing is exactly
the same

- How am I doing, Maria?
- Uh, good. You're doing great.

But we still don't know how
to sing.

Hmm. Well, how can I make
this simpler?

Ah, yes.
Like this.

Do, a thing
that Homer Simpson says

Re, a movie with Jamie Foxx

Mi, like "Me, Myself and Irene"

- Fa, like "fart" without a T.
- Just stick to the...

- So, an album by Peter Gabriel.
- That's obscure.

- La, what people call Los Angeles.
- No one calls it that.

- Ti, the shape of an IUD.
- They're children!

And when Homer gets mad,
he says d'oh

All right, children, I think
it's your turn.

Uh, this might surprise you,
but we didn't catch all that.

Well, don't think, just sing.

All right. I'll try.

Do, the last name of a body

- found in a river.
- Yes!

- Re, Romano, everybody loves him.
- Agreed, yes.

- Mi, a kid who pees in the sink.
- Cool.

- Fa, like the end of Queen Latifah.
- Tremendous.

So, how children make our sneakers.

La, the start of Queen Latifah.

Ti, like the middle of
Queen Latifah.

And when Homer hits his
head, he says d'oh oh, oh, oh

- Do!
- Sorry. Where did you get that?

Oh, I stole it from the Vatican.
Please don't tell anyone.

Okay, listen, listen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really, I must object to
some of your lyrics.

You've used "Queen Latifah"
three times.

Well, what did you say for "La"?

I said, "La, the note that follows so."

Damn, that's so lazy.

Yeah. "Queen Latifah's" way better
than that.

Frau Schmemkin, can I try?

Greta spoke!

Yes, for the first time since witnessing
mother's gruesome death!

Now that's the power of song.

Sing, Greta.
Oh, sing you beautiful little mute angel!

- Do, a deer, a female deer.
- Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Sweetie, darling, I really hate
to correct you.

I know this is a big moment for
you.

But a female deer is not called
a doe. It's called a lady deer.

What is all of this noise?
Singing in my house?

- Oh, Papa, don't be mad.
- Mad?

Quite the opposite.

As a young man, I was considered
something of a chanteuse.

And I would take my inspiration from the
most beautiful thing in the world.

Fast food.

Curly fries
Waffle fries

Every Tuesday at Arby's
Jalapeno bites taste so nice

Grease on the crotch of my
khakis

Sing with me, children!

Crazy fries
Crispy fries

Every Tuesday at Arby's

Once again, Bleachers!

Welcome everyone, on behalf of the Classic
Studies department here at Cornell.

Thank you for joining us at this highly
anticipated, sold-out free lecture.

And thank you again for the grant from our
corporate sponsor, FAGE yogurt.

FAGE. "Be careful when you say it."

Our guest lecturers today are here to
enlighten us about Sappho,

ancient Greek
poetess from the Isle of Lesbos.

Welcome Joanne Druck and
Reena Merlin.

Until now, Sappho's poems about lesbian
love have survived

only in incomplete,
yet tantalizing fragments.

For example, "Lavender
fields, weeping she left me."

Or my personal favorite,
"I have of girls."

But now, thanks to a recent unearthing of
a buried scroll room on the Isle of Lesbos

Caused by the tragic crash of a rogue
Rosie O'Donnell family cruise,

all survivors,

we now have Sappho's complete poems,

which capture the timeless beauty of love
between women.

Oh, huzzah!

Any lover of Ancient Greek literature is
as hard as the statue of Adonis right now.

Give us the translations,
please!

Will do.
We begin.

"Wind in mountains.
Eyes of goldenrod.

We broke up, Helena.
Please get your sandals out of here."

And now, "Golden raisins.
River banks.

Nancy, we just met.
You're scary and a bitch.

Move in with me."

And then there's this,
of course.

"Olive juice drips.
Sun touched.

we cannot get another dog.
We are maxed out on dogs.

That being said, I found a pregnant feral
cat behind the grocery store. Please?"

Her work is timeless.

Does anyone have any questions?

It feels like maybe your personal lives
are influencing the translation.

No, no.
I don't know anyone named Nancy.

- No, me either. Not anymore.
- Let's continue. Thank you.

"You satisfy our passion.
The Aegean beckons.

Why don't gay guys invite us to
their events?

Are we not fun?
Don't answer that."

"Woven garlands.
Greek tree.

Nancy, you moved in three weeks ago.
It has been hell. Marry me."

And we found this one the
most stirring of all.

"I don't care if
Helen of Generes was mean.

She did a lot.

You think James of Corden is a
walk in the park?"

I'm sorry. Has this been peer reviewed or
published?

- Yes, we were married.
- That's not what I asked.

Well, now, the cave not only
contained poems but also

artifacts which help us
re-create Sappho's life.

Yes, yeah.
An ancient drinking vessel.

A toga with suspenders.

And here's a vase with the face of some
kind of ancient Greek goddess,

we think, of hotness?
I don't know.

That is Gillian Anderson from "The
X-Files," and I think you made that.

What?
What??

What do -- What do you want me
to do?

You want me to prove I can speak
Ancient Greek? Fine.

Go, go, go, go, go, omega,
omega, Maria Menounos,

Zach Galifianakis, omicron, omicron.
And so on.

I'm sorry to say that was not
Ancient Greek at all.

Folks, these translations may
not be legitimate.

So show me a fragment.
I'll translate it myself.

All right.

"I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains,

I looked to the children,
I drank from the..."

You know what?
They were right!

Man, I cannot believe I'm
working a double tonight.

Ain't no one in Texarkana spending New
Year's Eve at Longhorn Steakhouse.

I know, it sucks. But at the end of the
day, it's gonna be worth it.

Dana, Grady, what y'all doing
back here, lurr?

We're just prepping the
salads, Miss Armoor.

Why are you all prepping
salads

when I found two empty
A.1.s in the dining room, lurr?

This is Longhorn Steakhouse.
People expect to be dazzled, lurr.

Ooh, I can't stand
Miss Armoor.

You know, you ever notice how
she says "lurr" after everything?

Like, what the hell is lurr?

I don't know, but at the end
of the day, she is the boss.

Hey, uh, y'all talking about
lurr?

Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah!

No, I don't know what you're
talking about, Rene.

Oh, no, no.

I heard you talking about how
Miss Armoor always say "lurr."

I ain't never heard "lurr" in
my life.

Guys, guys, guys, come on,
now.

I just want to get through the
shift so I can get up early

and take my girl's kids to the
trampoline place

tomorrow, at
the end of the day.

Rene! Where is your apron?

It is New Year's Eve!
My ass is on the line, lurr!

- Hey, Miss Armoor, what "lurr"?
- Excuse me?

"Lurr."
What is "lurr"?

Rene, I can never understand you.
Now get you back, lurr,

to work, lurr, or you'll be in
big trouble, Jana.

Why she gots... mm!
Why she gots to single me out, huh?

I could just -- oop! -- no!

Chill, Jana, chill. You know she ain't
worth it at the end of the day.

End of the day, you can't let her get to
you, 'cause, the end of the day,

that's what she wants, end of day.

The other day, Miss Armoor,
she was on me about some bull.

I just had to walk away, at the
end of the day.

Y'all talking about "lurr"?
Oh, peesh!

Last week, she got on me about how I
wasn't sweeping the parking lot

at the end of the night.

"End the night, I don't sweep the parking
lot." She said, "Yes, you do."

Like, at the end of the day, I don't know
what I do at the end of the night.

End of the day, when it's the
end of the night,

I know what I
do at the end of the day.

End of the day, I do what I do
at the end of the night!

Cha!

Floyd, I couldn't have said
it any better, end of day.

Ooh, Jana, I have hit my
limit with you!

If you don't get to working, you will be
done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse

in Texas, and I will have you transferred
to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse

in Arkansas, lurr.

Ooh, Miss Armoor, you 'bout
done it now.

You and me -- let's go!

Oh, okay! I'll kick your ass!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Everybody got they own going on
going on.

Grady got to go to trampoline
place tomorrow.

Floyd got to sweep the end of
the night.

And Miss Armoor say "lurr."

The end of the day, I ain't the reddest
mud bug at the bar, but we are family.

And like my mama said,

da people dat be dere don do want
that ped dad dog be dad

dad when
day when.

Jana, I know I ride you hard
but it's just 'cause

I see so
much of myself in you, lurr.

Well, at the end of the day,
Miss Armoor, I hate you.

'Cause I lurr you.

Happy New Year from
Longhorn Steakhouse.

Peesh and lurr.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Thank you, Bleachers!
How amazing were they?

Thank you to everyone here at
30 Rock and "SNL"

and Lorne Michaels for having me.

This has been an experience of a
lifetime.

Thank you to this in-studio
audience. Oh, my God!

Happy New Year!