All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E08.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

And now a holiday message
from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

I’m back.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci.

Do people still think I’m sexy?
Or are we done with that?

When people see me on TV, they think,
“Oh, this can’t be good.”

And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on
the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway.

As you probably heard there is an Omicron
wave sweeping the globe.

Some experts feared the Omicron variant
would be vaccine resistance, kind of like,

I don’t know, 40% of Americans.

More recent data suggests that if you had
a vaccine and a booster,

you should be pretty well protected. So if
that’s you, I’d like to say unclench.

With COVID cases on the rise, people still
have a lot of questions.

Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this
as an excuse to get out of stuff?

I would like to never work again.
So, to help answer these queries,

I once again invited members of the CDC to
act out various holiday scenelets.

So, please keep in mind, they’re not
professional actors.

They’re simply nerds who are trying their
best.

And then now the CDC players present
going to a restaurant.

Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas
dinner at your restaurant, please.

Sir, I just need to
see your vaccination card.

I actually can’t find it.

You mean you lost the little one
inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

I’m afraid so.

Then you are banished from
society. Have fun living in the woods.

Okay! And scene.

No, no, no.

That’s not right. You can get
a replacement card... I think.

The important thing is to get vaccinated.
And if you’re vaccinated get boosted.

And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little
top off, a little splash.

Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes
better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the
holidays,

and I’m scared that I’ll get
COVID on the airplane.

Don’t be. Air travel
is fairly low risk.

Great. I also heard girls can’t
get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

No, no, no.

That’s not true. That’s not even how sex
works. Unless something’s changed.

I guess people got pretty lonely during
COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas
traditions might look

a little different
this year in visiting center at the mall.

Ho, ho, ho. What would you
like for Christmas, little girl?

Well, Santa...

Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore.

Thanks to the vaccine.
My testicles have ballooned in size.

- Really?
- Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Stop! No, no, no, no.
That’s just a conspiracy theory.

And I am concerned about that
particular man.

Now, of course, the pandemic has also
affected people economically.

Keep that in mind as you watch this next
scene,

two unemployed brothers on
Christmas Day.

Hello, I am disgraced
former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

And I’m disgraced
former CNN host Chris Cuomo.

And we both lost
our jobs because of COVID.

That’s not why. That’s not why you lost
your jobs. No, no, no.

Unfortunately, those were not the last
public figures you’ll see tonight

because when it comes to acting deeply
offended about something minor,

some of our most gifted performance these
days come not from Hollywood

but from congress, including the ladies in
this next scene Christmas truths.

Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert.
And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

It’s pronounced Gan.

The government has been using this fake
disease to strip us of our freedom.

- Do they think we’re dumb?
- Please!

Would they
give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

First, they said the shutdowns were until
they found a vaccine.

Then they found a vaccine and said it
worked. They said everyone should get it.

Then people got it and it saved their
lives.

If that’s not communism, then honey,
I might not know what communism is.

So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns
don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Not helpful. No, no.
Alright, here’s the truth guys.

We are still in the midst of a pandemic.

And that’s not going to change just
because we all wished it would go away.

Did somebody say
wish it would go away?

Not you. Not you.

That’s right. It’s me. The
weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Ted, what
are you doing here?

Hey, if you’re sick of seeing
me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

So Cruz, how are
you handling the pandemic?

Oh, textbook bad.

This week, I was the one
not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral.

Now, you may remember when I ran for
President in 2016,

Bob Dole said that nobody likes me.

And this week, I got him back by not being
infectious.

But imagine him looking down at your own
funeral and the only face you see is mine!

That’s disturbing. Well, I
think we all learned a lot today.

CThis country is divided but I think we
can all agree on at least a few things.

We all want to spend time together with
our families.

Or run it back solo to Cancún.

We all want our loved ones
to be safe and happy and healthy.

- Family is all we have.
- Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We
already found some common ground.

And we can all agree that the Fox News
Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Maybe not.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

Host and musical guest, Billie Eilish.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Billie Eilish.

Oh my God. Thank you guys.
Hi. How are you doing?

I am so excited to be here. My name is
Billie Eilish.

Thank you. If you don’t know me from
my music,

you may know me from my hair or my
clothes.

That is why I decided to dress
like Mrs. Claus going to the club.

But actually, no, I am only wearing this
because after the show, I

got to go get married in an anime.

Some people wonder why I started
wearing baggy clothes.

There was actually a good reason. So, it
wasn’t just for comfort, or for style.

This is hard to say for me. But the real
reason I wore big oversized clothes

back then is I was actually two kids
stacked on top of each other

trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so great to be back here at SNL. I
was the musical guest a couple years ago.

But I would never ever think that I would
ever host ever.

In fact, I used to say that I hated
acting. But the truth is

when I was little, I loved it.

My mom and dad were both actors.
So, was my brother Finneas.

And it was my dream to be in a movie.
And I remember when that dream died.

I was nine.

And my mom wrote a film
inspired by her life.

Literally, this is true. She cast my
brother Finneas as her son.

She played the mom.

And in the movie, she had no daughter.
So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend.
She’s here.

I know that you don’t love
Finneas more than me. I know that.

- I love you, honey.
- Okay. Okay.

I love my mom. But that is true.
It really happened.

It is so special to be hosting in
December. Not only do I love Christmas,

and oh my God, it’s so beautiful here in
Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas,

but my birthday is one week from today.

I am turning 20 or as the internet calls
that middle aged.

But I am actually really excited to get
older because I am just now

starting to understand who I actually am
as a person.

And the scary thing about
growing up in the public eye

is people just decide that everything you
say and do and look like

is who you are forever.

It’s not fair.

Would you want to be judged by the way you
presented yourself when you’re 16?

No. Imagine being current day
Colin Jost,

and the first thing that comes up when you
google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost.

Yikes. Seen here watching
other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort
to accept who you really are.

You’ll be so happy that you did.

I spent a lot of years pretending to be
somebody that I’m not. Basically acting.

And somebody wise once told me, “Billie,
you should never ever act.”

That person
was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

I am here so stick around and we’ll be
right back.

- Hey, sweetie, how was work?
- Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible.

We had a great meeting about some exciting
emerging markets with growth potential.

- You want to hear the deeds?
- No thanks. But look what I did.

I put up all our Christmas cards on the
fridge. Looks festive, right?

Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this
year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

People like me, your super white,
super Christian neighbor.

Here on the beach with my wife and our
army of blonde children.

All in matching
white shirts and jeans.

And yes, this is the seventh Christmas
card in a row I’ve been pregnant.

I’m never not pregnant.

Did someone use the word pregnant?
I am too.

I’m your cousin who’s made
pregnancy my entire personality.

I started planning this Christmas card as
I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

And I’m the husband whose name you
will never learn.

As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into
this card concept but she is.

I wasn’t given a choice.

Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin
from Wisconsin.

Merry Christmas for me
and this animal I killed.

Man everybody looks so happy
but I don’t recognize her though.

Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods
of Smile Time Dental Partners.

You are two years late for your six months
cleaning.

I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh,
did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

- Of course, you did. It’s stunning.
- Stunning.

What else would you expect from the well
off middle aged gay couple

your wife is friends with?

As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and
holding our gross old little dog

you cannot believe is still alive.

Oh my God, that rat dog
of theirs is still alive? How?

Simple, hundreds of thousands of
dollars in medical procedures. That’s how.

All of which the vet prefaced with: I
mean, what are we gaining?

Two, three
months at the most?

Wait, is that your friend Ruth with
Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

No, we are not. For what better way
to remind you that I met a celebrity

at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my
Christmas card?

This woman came up to my
table and said,

“You’re Anna Montana”,
and then said that she hated my music.

I’m just being honest.
It’s not for me.

She asked for a photo and implied that if
I didn’t take it,

it was because I was racist.

That’s true. And I use that a lot.

So, I took the picture. So,
I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and...

You don’t know my name? You racist.

Man Ruth is so cool.
She’s friends with famous people.

Oh, by the way, who’s
Barbara Jacobs again?

That’s one of my mom’s friends.

Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s
single friend

who’s looked 52 years old
since you were a baby.

You’re now the drill.

Every year my Christmas card is a picture
of me alone on a crazy ass vacation.

Last year I was on top of a mountain.

This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of
a volcano. What’s my deal?

Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow?

You don’t care enough to ask your mom so
y’all never know.

Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

That’s Harper. We went
to high school together.

- Oh, and you guys were friends?
- Yeah.

No, we weren’t. I made her life a
living hell.

What’s new with me? Let’s see.
Still a bitch.

Still richer than her and still married to
my handsome

yet boring husband who cheats
on me?

Ha-ha-ha. I do
cheat on her a lot.

What else? Oh, my son is 15 now.
He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

It’s a girl’s faults
that I’m not cool.

And if our matching pajamas don’t
make you hate us, flip the card for a long

braggy list of what our family did this
year.

Spoiler alert. We moved
into a huge house on the lake.

I don’t like the lake because you
have to wear swim trunks

and I’m at the part of puberty where I
look like a newborn giraffe.

Even though you think I’m a tacky fake
bitch, I know that my Christmas cards

make you jealous. And I love that I still
have that power over you.

So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s
what I called your wife in high school.

Wow, Harper seems real nice.

Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know,
I love that we can just see all of our

friends and family just by walking into
the kitchen.

Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog
is going into surgery again.

Thoughts and prayers for our
beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

It’s gonna cost $150,000. But
how can you say no to this face?

Self defense 101. Now, if you got at perp
coming at you front-wise,

what you wanna
do is hit him right in the tennis balls.

And then you got the gun.

Okay, can we just talk about
Blake lively’s dress for a second?

Y’all. When I say I literally died when I
saw this dress. Like...

- What the hell are you doing?
- Mom! I'm dance trapping...

Okay, so the Spider-Man No Way Home
trailer is officially out.

It looks amazing!

“when ur so good at s3ggs he gets scared”

Okay, this is a day in my life as a mom to
eight boys.

First I wake up, start cookin’.
And once all my boys are fed,

it’s nighttime and I go to sleep.

Put a finger down if you ever hooked up in
a hot-tub.

Put a finger down if you ever hooked up
with a hot-tub.

Yooo, today’s throwback track is a deep
cut for the old-heads out there.

Old town
road by Lil Nas X...

I'm still thinking about Blake Lively's
dress, y'all.

This is Homer Simpson ASMR.

Ooooh ya. Don...

This here is what you gotta do if you got
a perp coming up from behind you.

Listen for the footsteps.
Hey, who is that?

Yeah, okay, I got shot that time.

Fire fit check. Oooo check the Moana
sketchers.

Ooo. They hard.

“when you finish ur homework in time
to choke up ur sub”

I'm an island boy.
I'm an island boy.

Hey, bud. Ya been scrolling a while now.
Maybe take a break, sip some water.

Read any book.
Talk to a human.

When it comes to success.
I mean, who's got it hardest right now?

White guys.

I figured it out, y'all!

Blake Lively's dress is Illuminati false
flag to distract us from the vaccine.

Evidence.

The Spencer trailer is out.
Dang, Diana was really lonely!

You ever noticed when you're using the
check-out line,

the self check-out line at the grocery
store...

You suck!

Sorry.

When you finally ask out the cute quiet
guy at school.

And he said yes.

And now you don't have to pretend
anymore.

This is amazing!

When your favourite pacient pulls through.

And throws down.

Hey, hi. Is all
nativity cast present?

Yes, miss Kitty.

Right. First and only pageant rehearsal,
y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys?
Times are changing.

We can’t do the normal,
boring pageant thing this year.

Too old school, too Boomer. Okay?
This year, we’re switching it up.

Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you
guys, Neely and I

took it upon ourselves
to learn all of hip-hop.

I’m sorry, you learned
all of hip hop?

Correct. And it’s gonna be a
freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal.
We got a lot of hip hop to teach you.

- Now where’s our Joseph?
- Right here, Miss Kitty.

Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re
gonna enter with a pimp walk.

- A what?
- A pimp walk.

Here, Neely and I will show you.
Play the tracks, sweetie.

A pimp walk, a pimp walk.
A pimp walk, a pimp walk.

And you’re gonna work it down here.

Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in
the body.

Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down
here. Hey, the streets are in the knees.

Oh, are they now?

Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk,
and it’s walk.

And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy
now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.”

- There, go, do it.
- Okay, so like...

Pimp walk.

Come on. Pimp walk.

Pimp walk. Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s
getting there.

Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so
long, keep pimp walking.

- Yeah. To just face the wall?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Pimp walk.

Where are my donkeys at?

By all means, teach
me hip hop, please.

Okay, so, you three are going to
follow Joseph out.

Okay, not up here, this is country music.
Okay, down here, this is hip hop.

- And when you land I want booty booty.
- Don’t you mean ass?

That is not funny. Watch me pop my
butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Okay, can you see that? Can you see
that pop? It’s a hip pop.

It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in
your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, pop.

Trot, trot, pop. Trot, trot, pop. And just
straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop.

How is no one filming this?

Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there
but I’d be totally cool just doing what we

practiced. You know, ditching the whole
freeform Hip Hop thing.

Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please
just focus on your twerking.

Excuse me? Twerking?

Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over
there. Okay, baby.

- Are you in your diaper?
- I mean, yeah.

Drop robe. Let’s go.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies.
Honey, do you not have a butt?

We got to make him a butt quick.

Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I
don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby.

Hey! Cut it out!

- We’ll make you a butt, baby.
- No, I don’t need one.

Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything
now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

It’s a miracle. Now, where’s
my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

How comfortable are you on a
stripper pole, sweetie?

- I’m not sure.
- Wrong answer.

Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind
on the wall.

Alright, drops the beat.
Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Donkey, start popping.

Oh, yes!
And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Oh my goodness! I think we might
have ourselves a Christmas show!

- Dinner in 10 minutes, Julie!
- K, Dad!

Mom, can I have a friend over for
Christmas dinner?

Of course, sweetie.
The more the merrier!

Oh my God.

- No, no.
- You have to take your medicine.

Mom, I think it might be, um, two
friends actually.

Rutger, zip.

She’s making Rutger zip her up?

Dude.

Mom, don't get the door!

The Nextdoor.

This holiday season, know thy neighbor
before you love thy neighbor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie
Smollett really bad at acting.

Smollett was found guilty of charges
related to staging a hate crime.

It’s the worst stage hate crime since my
all Christian production

of Fiddler on the Roof.

And in legal news, where someone
definitely won’t get convicted,

Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New
York Attorney General Letitia James.

James wants to depose Trump under oath on
January 7th.

Come on, give the guy a break. I mean,
that’s the day after his big anniversary.

According to a new report, a former staff
member for vice president Kamala Harris

says that she often fails to read briefing
material and is unprepared for meetings.

Well, you know, it feels really amazing to
finally see someone

in the White House
was just like me.

After the tree outside of Fox News
headquarters was set on fire

by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host
Ainsley Earhardt said

“This Scrooge is not
going to get away with it.”

And nothing has ever explained Fox News
better than a rich white lady

calling a
homeless man Scrooge.

China responded after President Biden
announced a diplomatic boycott

of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US
will pay for its wrongdoing.

You wait and see. But America isn’t scared
by your threats.

And even though NBC is
broadcasting the Olympics,

they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind

about what the Chinese government is up
to. So, you listen up...

Trump advisor Roger Stone,
who draws his glasses on with a sharpie,

refused to cooperate with the committee
investigating the January 6th attacks.

Those stones said he would be open to
sitting in the corner

watching the
committee take turns on his wife.

Russia has deployed 90,000
troops to its border with Ukraine

leading many to believe that Vladimir
Putin intends to invade the country.

And no offense to Ukraine, but why?

Is Russia running low on tracksuits and
counterfeit cologne?

At the same time it’s tough for America to
criticize countries who take land

from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not
exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

The CDC believes the Omicron
variant was first appearing in the US

during a recent anime convention in
New York. Damn!

The one time they leave
the house.

New York City will require all children
over the age of five to show

proof of vaccination before dining indoors
or going to an entertainment venue.

Because if there’s one thing a five year
old can do,

it’s keep track of a small
piece of paper.

After CNN fire Chris Cuomo
has revealed that the former anchor

has been accused of sexual misconduct just
like his older brother.

“Well, those two are quite a pair,” said
Cuomo to a female coworker.

Representative Devin Nunez seen here
realizing a little came out on that one,

announced that he is leaving congress to
become CEO of Trump’s new social

media company, which again just based on
this photo will be called “SQRT”.

After two years, TSA expects
family holiday gatherings,

to be back to pre pandemic levels.

Here to talk about her family this holiday
is Punkie Johnson.

Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see
your Family this Christmas.

I am. They all down in New Orleans.
Yo, I got a big family

and we got lots of holiday rules. Let’s
start off with the most important, food.

Like, the oldest person must always make
the potato salad because they have lived.

They know the secret ingredient isn’t
Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog.

You can’t make real potato sad unless you
struggle with bone disease,

high blood pressure, or you grew up
drinking from a segregated waterfall.

That’s why my uncle Laiden
makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

- Damn!
- No feet.

- He ain’t got no foot?
- Nope.

That potato
salad must be delicious.

It is, Punk. So, does
everybody bring something?

Yeah, man .Everybody,
except for my shady uncle.

All he brings is his judgment, man.
He still can’t believe I’m gay.

He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them
girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc,

because women are soft and fluffy.
Like hotel pillows.

And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and
stability.”

I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy
man in my bed with a bulge in my back.

Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like
Newports and excuses.

Then he always asks me “Well, how do you
expect to make a baby then?”

Well, do you want a baby?

I do. I really do. Especially around the
holidays, I get baby fever.

But I gotta be honest, man.
I don’t want a daughter.

You don’t want
a daughter? Why not?

Because what if she turned
out straight?

I don’t want my baby girl to get boned.

Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on!

If I have a daughter and she bring a man
home, I’m gonna be like,

“Bitch I ain’t raised you like that.

Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m
gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

- Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.
- Watch me.

From age one to five, my baby is going to
wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper,

gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay
by six.

I mean, you never know what
would happen. You could have a gay son.

I don’t think so. My
family motto won’t be,

“If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s
smashing holes in this house.”

There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house,
Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Ma! I’m pregnant!

A new study finds the regular use of
marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep.

“That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone
will start a new TV series

playing an Italian mob boss from
Kansas City,

in what is a absolute nightmare scenario
for the closed captioning guy.

A man in India has set a new record by
staring directly at the Sun

for an hour without blinking.
The record is for best drugs.

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking
trial of Galane Maxwell

said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey
Epstein needed to have

sex about three times a day and if not,
he’d killed himself.

It’s good. But do you get it?

NBC said that it would not air
the qualifying trials for the

Olympic curling team because of an ad on
the ice for a Dutch sex toy.

Oh, so that’s
what that thing is.

A new report shows that female doctors
over the course of their careers

make $2 million less than men. That’s just
not right. Female doctors?

A new study finds that if cats
were humans,

their behavior would classify
them as psychopaths.

While if dogs were human, they would get
“me too’d” on day one.

Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to
create a line of bread wine with

hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up
with alcoholism to give it a try.

A new report lists the city with the worst
traffic in the world as London, England.

Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the
wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new
dipping sauce called

Sweet Hot Capital City Mumbo Sauce.

Coincidentally, Sweet Hot Capital City
Mambo Sauce

is also what Jost calls rap music.

No! Once!

We here at Update sure do love
animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys.

Here to do his new animal segment and
these amazing animals

is their own Andrew
Dismukes.

Hey! Alright! Yeah!

Hey there, Colin.
I’m just goofing.

Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey,
Andrew, I really love the face paint.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, it’s really cool.

And I understand you also brought some
animal friends with you today.

Oh, that’s right, Colin.
Animals can do some incredible stuff.

And today, I brought my smartest friend,
Bongo, the octopus.

Oh, yeah.

So, Bongo here is
actually somewhat of a psychic.

In fact, he’s correctly predicted the
winner of the last three World Cups.

And today he’ll be predicting the winner
of Sunday’s game

between the Packers and
Bears.

Wow. Very cool.
So, how does it work?

Well, when I say go,

Bongo will use his sharpie to check off
which team he predicts is going to win.

Okay. Well then,
I guess let’s get started.

Alright. Are you ready,
Bongo? Begin.

You know, Colin, octopus are
highly intuitive.

They can anticipate stressful situations
and even experience complex emotions.

Wow, that’s
pretty cool, Andrew.

Oh, time’s up. Okay,
Bongo. What is your prediction?

Wait, what?

Does that say you’re
gonna die in seven days?

Bongo,
what are you saying?

Andrew, I don’t think an octopus can
just...

Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin.

Bongo. You see what man cannot.

Therefore I will accept my destiny.

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Wow. That’s really―

Wasn’t
that amazing, Colin?

- Andrew, are you okay?
- Yeah.

I just thought he was gonna pick the
Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Do you want
to stop the segment?

Nah, nah, nah, I’m good.
We all gotta die sometime, right?

My next furry friend is one talking is
pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog.

Here he comes. Okay, Taco.
Let’s get Taco.

There’s Taco.

Yeah, Taco here
communicates by pushing on these buttons.

He can even solve some pretty
complicated...

Yea, pretty shy. He can
even solve some basic math problems.

Oh, basic.
Oh good, I love basics.

Taco, tell the
people what’s four plus four?

Are you going to die?

Yeah, bud. I think so.
But you don’t gotta worry about that.

Just tell me what’s four plus four?

Are you scared?

Of course I’m scared.

But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s
pretty much a done deal.

Taco, what’s four
plus four?

I love you.

I love you too, Taco.

For old times sake,
tell me what's four plus four?

Three.

No, that’s not it, Taco.

- Three.
- No.

No, Taco.
It’s not three, bud.

Just messing. It’s eight.

You son of a bitch. You got me again.

Andrew’s amazing
animals, everyone.

I’m gonna die.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
- I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for
you: Has this ever happened to you?

It sure has, Leslie D.

Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Asked us what Leslie D?

Just let me ask
it and then you’ll know!

Okay don’t get mad...

Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever
dreamed of meeting someone

your whole entire life, and then when you
finally got the chance

it didn’t go quite
as planned?

Oh, we know just what
you’re talking about.

But sing about it anyway
just in case we don’t.

Okay...

It was a winter’s night,
a quarter to three,

I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard

The very guy that I revered I’m talking
Santa!

Santa

I was in the same room as him

You met the Santa?
Like, from the bible?

- Where you nervous Leslie D?
- Was I ever!

But I said to myself,
“Don’t be a fool

Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”

So here is what I said...
'Hey, sexy mama, nice teeth!'

- Yeah, I made it weird with Santa.
- Santa.

Now why’d you go ahead
and call him mama Leslie D?

I don’t know, I was nervous!
He’s famous!

And I thought if I winked
he’d know I was kidding...um

Does Santa hate me?
It’s anyone’s guess

He said my name
And I said “Yes”

He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said:

Who’s asking, virgin?

- Yeah I made it weird with Santa!
- Santa.

What does that even mean Leslie D?

I don’t know, it just
came out of my mouth!

Well, what did Santa do?

He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”

Then he sorta started heading towards the
door...

Not the chimney?

No I think he just
wanted to get out of there.

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”

And then I made finger guns and I went
“zoop zoop”

Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

We met him once at a Christmas ball

How could we converse with him?
We should’ve rehearsed

Cause then he asked us if we were good
and here’s what we said...

You tell me, you’re in charge, Daddy...

I thought I was flirting, I don’t know,

but then I remembered,
maybe he has a wife?

So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you
and Mrs. Clause never had children.

Was that a conscious decision or was there
like a health issue there?

Or are the elves your children and you
keep trying to make a tall one?”

Oh no. Then what happened?

He asked me what my name was
and I said Beth.

And he said, “Get away
from me, Beth.”

I don’t think I’m on good
terms with Santa.

But it gets worse, ’cause then I
said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone.

But just so you know, you’re zipper is
down.”

And he said, 'No, no, that’s just
the fuzzy seam on my Santa suit.'

And I said, 'No look!'
And then I touched him down there.

- Why?!
- I don’t know!

Because
my brain doesn’t work!

We really blew it with Santa

Santa

He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof

My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

Santa!

Prancer said that I should give you one
more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

It’s not our fault Santa

We’re not good in crowds

We never know
what we’ll say out loud

All is forgiven,
in fact I bring gifts

As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas
riff!

What do you say?

My wife.

Try again.

Thank you, Santa. We’re
weird, but we love you!

Hey, Santa’s a little
weird too, hehe.

Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I know, it’s like what do
I get my dad for Christmas?

- Buying presents is the worst.
- Yes, so stressful.

Totally. And what’s up with Santa's
clothes?

Like you might want to update
that wardrobe.

- Right?
- Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Question for you. What are you all
doing for Christmas?

Should we do something together? That’d
be kinda weird and cool.

Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Yeah, this is family for me.

Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just
chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Okay.

God bless us. Everyone.

Tiny Tom,
or it’s not Tiny Tom...Thompson.

No.

Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Hey, Kyle.

- What you do for Xmas?
- Oh, my parents are flying in.

Well, if the plane crashes or anything,
I’ll just be in the city. So, hit me up.

Jesus!

Remember, don’t be naughty.

Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you
get to spend Christmas with me.

I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet.

But I’m surprisingly down to hang with
people like you.

Oh, I actually can’t.
I’m going upstate.

But I’m on the cast.

Are you crying?

No, no, no.

I was just thinking how cool it is that
Santa does it all in one night?

Guy is a monster.

Just another Christmas

Alone

Kyle, you’re a great singer.

I know. They don’t know how to use
me on the show.

And no one’s spending Christmas with.

Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I
shouldn’t be alive.

Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t
just about where you are on December 25.

It’s about the love that surrounds you
every day.

I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy
here at 30 Rock.

Yeah. I guess you’re right.

So go ahead. Who brings
Christmas joy into your life?

Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He
still calls me Beck Bennett.

I can tell that his heart is definitely in
the right place.

And no one’s better than
Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny.

They’ve got this really great bit going
when they don’t follow me on Instagram.

Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough
being the handsome guys on show.

The tabloids just won’t leave us alone.

I guess everyone here brings me joy.
Except maybe Mikey Day.

I really don’t like him.
I think he’s fake.

I have a fantasy where
I catch them on a ride at night alone.

Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but
I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

- Kyle?
- You guessed it.

I throw him in the closet, kick
them around a little bit.

Pour some
gasoline on him just to mess with him.

And I go on his computer, change all the
Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s

and then look at me, I’m the star of the
show.

So yeah, to answer your question,
it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Holy fuck!

Thanks for the help, Billy.
And Merry Christmas.

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes
man.

Thanks.

- Hey Billy, how’s it going?
- Run.

Quit the show.
You’re not safe.

Merry Christmas from Max
Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and

all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.

Once again, Billie Eilish.

Services. Amenity. Elevator.
Curtains with sticks.

You’ll find all this
and more at..

Business Garden
Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

Hello, I’m Kathlyn, the front
desk girl.

And I’m Kathreen, the same
person as her.

Other hotels provide
relaxation, luxury and romance.

Our rooms provide every
comfort required by law.

Tiny soap in plastic.

Phone that blinks.

Band Aid colored blanket.

Chair for suitcase.

Black and white
photo of First Wheel.

Blow dryer that goes ooooooh.

Short glass wearing little hat.

And small stain in
place you have to touch.

And be sure
to enjoy your hot tub.

It’s always occupied by an eight year old
boy in goggles staring at your breasts.

He’s been in there for hours and he’s not
getting out until you do.

Want to see the local sites?
ask her conceirge, Doreen.

But be warned she’s having
a hard month every month.

Looking for adventure? See the
cave. Every town has a cave.

I’d love to go but I can’t afford to and I
apologize for crying

when you stopped by earlier.
I didn’t sleep well last night.

My dogs have taken over the bed. And the
feral cat I rescued bit me pretty hard.

So please, for me, see the cave.

Wisit us and see why TripAdvisor called us
“A stock photo you can sleep in”.

And why the news called us the
place that man did those things.

We put the hospital
in hospitality.

Situated between the DMV and a
darkened Sonic,

it’s the location that will make your Uber
driver say, “You’re sure?”

And breakfast...

And breakfast...

And breakfast means morning here at

Business Garden Inn & Suites and Hotel
Room Inn.

Fill up on all your continental
breakfast favorites like...

Wet egg.

Cereal in gumball machine.

DIY waffle.

Sausage that squirts.

And yogurt in a fridge
that gets padlocked at 8:59AM.

No mercy. You can
look but yeah can’t touch.

You wanted yogurt?
Wake up at four, bitch.

And whatever you need, day or
night, just guess Trevor,

our bellhop/valet/Night Manager/in house
doctor.

I will drop your bags.
I will scratch your car.

I will watch Joe Rogan videos on my phone,
no headphones.

If you’re a man, I will tell you where the
strip clubs are.

I will offer to get you cocaine and then I
will flake. I am chaos.

So, next time you
travel please stay with us.

Our guests join us for all
of life’s less sparkly moments.

Business Conference.

Intervention.

Magic The Gathering Tournament.

Affair with old man.

Meeting stranger who
claims to have information.

Funeral for aunt who died driving the
wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway.

Cult deprogramming.

After prom hand stuff.

And
hiding from the police.

So join us at Business Garden
Inn & Suites and Hotel Room Inn.

It’s like we always say.

We may
not be the Ritz Carlton.

Business Garden Inn & Suites
and Hotel Room Inn. See the cave.

Thank you to everyone at SNL.

Thank you to Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant,
Miley Cirus and Punkie Johnson.

This goes out to all of you.