All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E07.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Good evening, I’m Judge
Jeanine Pirro.

And if anyone watching is wearing a
hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now.

On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was
acquitted of all charges.

That lovable scamp was put through a
nightmare of a trial

just for doing the
bravest thing any American can do,

protecting an empty use car lot in someone
else’s town.

Now, on to our first guest.

He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping
harder than anyone.

Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to
be here with a fellow judge.

Oh, well, thank you for
acknowledging my expertise.

You may remember that I was in charge of
investigating

Robert Durst for murder back in 83.

Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional
murder later we got him.

Now, if I may say judge to judge, what
turned me on the most

was how you ruled that courtroom with an
iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Well, it was all standard
procedure.

That’s why I ordered that the
prosecution not use the word victims.

They were rioters and they weren’t
shocked. They were gadoinked!

But that did not give my client an unfair
advantage in any way.

You said my client.
Do you mean the defendant?

Oh, yeah, sure.
I keep doing it.

Well, you do you, judge.
You do you. Thanks for coming.

Predictably, the loony liberal outrage
machines in overdrive.

And you know how
much we love liberal tears around here.

So, I decided to invite two of them here
tonight.

Please welcome legal analysts for
nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings,

and Professor of Law at Howard University,
Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

We were told you
invited us in the interest of fairness.

And you fell for it. That’s
our new dumb dumb.

Sandra, were you
surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Surprised that he was
exonerated on all charges?

That’s putting it mildly.
I was shocked.

You were? Because I wasn’t.

I’ve never seen
anything like it before.

I have. Many, many times.

I mean,
this is not who we are.

I feel like
it kinda is though.

And all this does is
send the message that

any American can
just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Any American? I think you’re
missing a keyword there. White.

All we can hope for is
that at this point

is that this will be a
call to finally change the system.

And that call will go right to voicemail
and the mailbox is full.

Wow. Very interesting. Well, your
segments’ over and my mug is empty.

So, you gotta go. Now on a
more inspiring note,

Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with
his awe inspiring eight hour tirade

against the Build Back Better bill,
demonstrating why the filibuster is vital

to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our
six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

The Democrats are trying
to flip this thing around.

Excuse me. Democrats
trying to flip this thing around.

Excuse me. Flip it around.

Okay. I could do it
before.

And that brave man stops the Build Back
Better bill from being passed

until the next day when it passed in two
minutes.

Meanwhile, what was President
Brandon doing?

Getting socialized buck
play paid for by your tax dollars.

Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe
for his big deal infrastructure bill.

But where’s the thanks for the real
Muchacho who got this done?

Please welcome this people’s sexiest man
alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Thank you very much, Jeanine.
Wonderful to be here.

Now, I know you have a lot
of thoughts on the infrastructure bill.

So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you
riff

while I sit here and get absolutely
rock hard.

Well, you know, I’m glad you
brought up that terrible bill

because the truth is nobody did more for
infrastructure than me.

And meople are saying... and you know
what?

Meple of course are people who are
me.

They’re saying I built it back even...
You know what?

I think even a little bit better because I
did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall.

It’s not just well, because when you put
wall down through a grassy field,

frankly, that’s road.

And if you take wall and lay it across the
river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Wow. I imagining.

You know what? Can I get 60
seconds on the clock, please?

Because this bill is... You know what?
Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster.

We’re coming back. We’re coming back in
2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay?

Everyone loves reboots. People loved it
before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay.

Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly.

But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe
Biden tried to reboot Obama

and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really
bad just like the female Ghostbusters.

Speaking of Girl, why did that― Why did
they reboot Gossip Girl?

Why the hell? You simply can’t match.

You cannot match the electricity of Chuck
Bass and Blair Waldorf.

You know, there were times when Blair was
a bad friend to Serena and sometimes...

You know what? This was true. Sometimes
Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Alright. Can I get 60 More
seconds? You know what?

Why don’t we try a word search this time.
Can we make it word search?

I’d love it if it was word search.
And you know what?

I was treated very unfairly by Chris
Christie. He was very nasty

and he said very nasty things about me on
Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris?

I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful
person. But you know what?

We don’t like him very much. I think we
hate him. And you know?

Boy Chris wasn’t even the main interview.

He had to sit on the panel with the other
dogs and watch Bill do the new rules.

And you know what? Speaking of new rules,
Dua Lipa is one of our best singers.

Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do
better than Dua Lipa. But you know what?

Her husband, who is not very attractive.
You know what?

It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua
Lipa’s husband not being attractive.

We have to do something about it.
She’s tall.

She’s Albanian which is
basically white.

And you know who else is white? Bob the
Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Wow, we found all the
words. And that’s BINGO baby.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday
Night.

Musical guest, Saweetie.

And your host, Simu Liu.

Ladies and gentlemen, Simu Liu.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
very much. My name is Simu Liu.

Some of you might know me from Marvel’s
Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings.

I am officially Marvel’s first openly
Chinese superhero.

I’m also the first Chinese host on SNL.

To be the fourth Chinese toast on SNL.

I’m actually Chinese Canadian

and I am so happy to be here for the
Thanksgiving show.

Now, in Canada, Thanksgiving is actually
in October

and marks the start of the
harvest season.

Here in America, things are a little
different.

It’s a November and it marks the start of
Black Friday week on Amazon Prime.

But I do have a lot to be thankful for.

Now, a lot of people ask me how I landed a
role in a Marvel movie.

The truth is I got Sang Chi how every
Canadian gets their big break

by asking politely back.

No, no, no. For real. Back in 2014, and
this is a true story, I tweeted,

“Hey, Marvel, great job with Captain
America and Thor.

Now how about an Asian
superhero?”

And at the time, I think the tweet got
like 10 likes, which

was like 10 more than
I usually got.

But I worked hard. And five years later,

Marvel did make their first Asian
superhero movie.

And after I got the part,
I went online and tweeted,

“Thanks for getting back to me.” Clearly.
I’m Canadian.

Now, I really can’t believe my life right
now because 10 years ago,

I actually had a job dressing up as Spider
Man for kids birthday parties.

Which meant parents would pay me to
entertain their kids

while they were day
drinking.

I’ll never forget this one
birthday boy’s name was Trevor.

And like I don’t want to say anything bad
about him, but let’s just say

he was a real Trevor.

Kicking my shins and screaming, “You’re
not Spider Man. You’re not Spider Man.”

And look, I don’t know if you’ve ever been
kicked by a seven year old

while wearing a $30 Walmart Spider Man
suit but it will break you.

It will break your spirit. But it also lit
a fire under me.

And I don’t know where he is now.
But Trevor, if you’re watching,

I just want to say you were right. I’m not
Spider Man. I’m Shang Chi, bitch!

We got a great show for you tonight.
Saweetie is here.

So, stick around, we’ll
be right back.

You’re watching Wilmington
Cable Access. Up next is Karaoke Recap.

I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.

Hello. Wow, welcome to karaoke recap

here at Bixbie’s Bar and Grill in
Wilmington, North Carolina.

Yes, thank you for coming to my bar.
It’s been a long week of drunken singing.

And we’re just going to show you
some of the highlights.

Some of y’all
sounded like a regular Jesse Timber-cake.

I’m your host, Mr. Barefoot, along with
Bixbie’s owner Rob,

who has an announcement.

Oh, yeah. Just a reminder. This
equipment is rented.

Karaoke rule number one,
you must respect the microphone.

Do not tap the mic. Do not swing the mic.
If you drop the mic, I will drop you.

Thank you, baby.

Now it’s time for
our favorite segment, karaoke All Stars

where we look back at the week’s most
special performances.

Let’s start with our bad choice All Stars.

These are folks who just picked
the wrong song.

First up, Guy who was doing
great until the high notes came in.

Take on me oh no

Take me up,
help me

I’ll be gone

Let’s not forget woman who’s been
overserved singing “Su Soppa Layla”.

Su Soppa Layla

Su Soppa Layla

Su Soppa Layla

Su mama mayja

Isn’t that a little loose with that
mike?

If it breaks I gotta go to get a new
one from Radio Shack.

You know how hard it
is to find a Radio Shack these days?

A store whose number one seller is wires?

Oh, Rob. Your little grump-face.

Alright, our next Karoake All Stars is
someone who comes here by himself

and always does the same song.

It’s mad world by Neal, the quite guy in
the hoodie.

All
around me are familiar faces

worn out places

worn out faces

You know, I gotta be honest, that
guy’s given off real Columbine vibes.

Alright. Let’s keep going with our
next All Star,

guy who must have chosen
the wrong song. But wait a second.

Yo yo, yo, check it
must know the beat y’all

Y’all know what it is, ha-ha-ha

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t breathe for the first time

Um, man. He was so talented. Man,
he was better than Justin Bubay.

- Justin?
- Bubay.

You know him? He’s sung
that “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy”.

Oh, Justin Bieber. Misty, I love you
but you’re starting to worry me.

Let’s move on
to tonight’s cringe All Stars.

Oh, these are the rough ones. Okay.

First we have couple who thought it’d be
fun to sing like Homer and Marge Simpson.

It’s not really music. It’s not
really music. It’s not really comedy.

It’s basically nothing.

Speaking of nothing, our next All Stars
are two German tourists trying their best.

Yeah. I don’t know what they said
but I did like her energy. I did.

Our next cringe All Stars comes here
every weekend straight from the office.

It’s finance bro trying to get laid.

What’s up? This one’s
dedicated to all the ladies in the house.

I don’t like the song, but I know you do.

You are my fire,

the one desire

believe I make a lot of money, when I say

I began the dogecoin, I want it that way

tell me why...

I’m gonna say it makes me regret
sleeping with him those seven times.

Alright, time to look back at our
cringy All Stars,

my Pony by Ginuwine
sung by a father and daughter.

If you’re horny, let’s do it

Ride it, my pony

- You’re doing great, dad.
- You too, hun.

Yeah. Um, you can’t unsee that.

No you can’t. No you can’t.

Alright, time for our final karaoke All
Stars.

It’s girl who claims her friend
signed her up but we all know the truth.

Jessica? No. Who put my name in?
You guys.

I don’t even know what song you
picked. Are you serious? Jessica? What...

And I...

will always love you...

Jessica, seriously?

Well...

That’s it. That’s it for this
week’s karaoke recap. Take us out Misty.

I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.

Hosting Thanksgiving is a
big job.

Luckily, Target’s got you covered
with incredible savings

on everything you
need for a perfect feast.

Buy-One-Get-One deals on Classic
Thanksgiving sides and sauces.

And of course, butterball turkeys from
$1.49 a pound.

But hosting Thanksgiving
also means hosting your family.

And that
can be a whole damn thing.

That’s my target’s also got great deals on
a bunch of stuff

you’ll need specifically for them.

Like, half off Nate’s Humane Tofurkey Loaf
for your nieces annoying new boyfriend.

I don’t eat anything with feathers
anymore.

You know, I’ve watched that
Netflix documentary. Horrifying.

Horrifying what they do to these birds.

And after dinner, the
savings keep on coming

with discounts on Wilson brand footballs
so you can work off dinner in the backyard

with the uncle who takes the game too
seriously.

Second down.

And for your dirtbag cousin,
take 20% off motion sensor lights

so he
can smoke cigarettes in the driveway.

You wanna try, little man?

And $50 off Apple noise canceling air pods

for when grandpa weighs in on social
issues.

The democrats, while that guy’s
changed football to high heeled sleep.

Plus, take 30% off Purina
brand dog food.

Since someone in your family’s bringing
their dog even though you ask them not to.

And for kids, great deals on toys they can
destroy

when they’re left unsupervised in
the basement.

Plus everyday low prices on wine and beer
to get you through this conversation.

You know who died?
Jeannie Feldman.

And this conversation.

The thing about crypto that’s so exciting
is that it’s decentralized.

Like if you
think about the blockchain...

Or this one.

Hey, you brought your new girlfriend.
She got some nice titties, huh?

Plus, huge savings on family
holiday must haves.

BandAids, pain relievers,
and of course more wine.

Nice ass on her too.
Bounce a quarter off that ass.

Hey, someone’s got to host
your family for Thanksgiving.

Ah, so if
you do the short straw...

Anyone
gonna help me with these?

Turn to target for
everything your family needs.

Ay, just give me my
keys. I drive around all the time.

Target. Let’s do
it all again at Christmas.

Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks
for making the time for us.

Well, when you allocate $500
million of taxpayer money

to develop a new
weapon system, you find the time.

Yeah, we’re eager to see
what you’ve been working on.

Of course. My orders in heading
this project were clear.

Make America the
technological leader in the battlefield.

But Battlefield has changed,
and so must our soldiers.

Enough with the foreplay, Major.
You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Bit of a crude way to put it, but
yes, yes.

Imagine a soldier with undying
loyalty, built in night vision,

supersonic hearing, and the ability to
track an enemy scent

with 15,000 times
the accuracy of a normal human nose.

You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven
robotic soldier

with that kind of
capability?

Oh, even better. We made this.

Major, what am I looking at?

Project Domino, subject 119 C,
also known as dog head man.

You put a dog’s head
on a human beings body?

A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Okay, and you want to send
that thing into active combat?

Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an
extremely well trained battlefield asset.

In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine
combat rifle f

aster than any human
soldier. Observe.

And go dog head man.

I just have one question major. Does this
thing go to the bathroom on a toilet?

Or does it go outside and you got to clean
up after it?

That’s your one question?

I think the American
people would want to know.

And time. 11 seconds.

Good girl, dog head, man.

Did you say good girl?

Yes, it’s a female dog’s
head on a human man’s body?

Shall we begin prepping
for mass production?

Absolutely not. Where did you
even get the parts to make this thing?

Let’s not worry about that.

I should also mention that dog had man is
trained

in over 46 forms of hand to hand
combat.

I don’t know about you, ma’am.
But if I saw this

coming at me on the battlefield,

if I saw this thing coming at me on the
battlefield,

I would drop my weapon and
run away.

Yeah. Well, of course you
would. Look at you.

Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US
military can get behind this project.

How can you say that ma’am?
Look at him.

That is the finest soldier
this country has ever produced.

Really? Really major?

You think that thing can handle a high
level mission?

You think that they
could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Oh! Not only what dog head man have
taken Bin Laden out.

He would have eaten
him too.

Well, that’s a war crime.

Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think
you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

I am. And it’s
extremely disturbing.

Yeah, I have to agree.
I have to agree.

I’ll not sign off on this until I know
where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Look. If I didn’t believe this would save
American lives, I would not have

convinced my father to donate his
body and his dog to this project.

I mean, look what he’s doing right now.
He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Dog head man. Dog head man.

He’s investigating his own body.
It happens. Dog head man.

While he’s still
eating his sandwich?

Dog head man.
Good. Good, dog head man.

Red wire.

Good. He’s cutting the detonator
wire first. Good.

He’s just licking it.

Ah, whatever. You guys went into
this wanting to hate it.

So, nothing we
could say can change your mind.

Guess we’ll close the project down and let
China take the lead

and dog head man soldiers.

Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of
these? Well, why didn’t you say so?

Get mass production
started immediately.

Oh, yes, ma’am.

We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal
shelters that look the other way.

And now it’s time to play Republican or
Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

Hello, and welcome to the show.
The game is simple.

We’re gonna meet some people, and our
contestants have to guess

whether they’re republican or not.
Seems easy, right?

Hello, contestants.

Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee.

And honestly, this game seems pretty
straightforward. So I think I got this.

I bet you do.
And how about you?

Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn.
I grew up in Ohio.

So, I’ve been playing this game my whole
life. Kind of an expert.

Sure you are. Let’s get
started. Let’s bring out our first guest.

This is Brady. Now he’s
gonna make a few statements.

Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess.
Republican or not?

All right, Brady, give
us our first clue.

I think Facebook is evil.

Oh, wow. Because they’re
spreading disinformation

or because
they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Not so easy, is it?

Maybe we need another hit.

I would say you do.

I buy all my produce
straight from a farm.

Because you want
to or because you have to?

I don’t know Miss Ohio.
You the expert. Keep going Brady.

I respect pro athletes who
stand up for their beliefs.

- Which athletes?
- And which beliefs?

Who knows? Could be her
or him?

No guesses? Okay, then give them
the last clue. Brady?

God I hate cops.

Okay, he is not a
Republican.

Oh, sorry. So close. But
no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

But but
he said he hates cops.

Yes, but he was talking
about these cops.

Well, better luck next round. Let’s meet
our second guest, Lacey.

Lacey came here
from Manhattan.

New York City or Kansas?

I can’t say.
Start the clock.

On Twitter, my pin tweet
is “My body my choice.”

Okay, that’s a trick. She’s
talking about vaccines, right?

Oh, if we only knew.
Another hint Lacey.

I support Caitlyn Jenner.

In what way? Politically?

You’re doing great.

And give us another clue.

Okay. My favorite
comic is Dave Chappelle.

Starting when?

I love my job. All
right, give them another one.

Last month I went to a board
meeting

and complained about a book being
taught in my daughter’s school.

Okay, I definitely know that
one. She’s a republican.

No. Sorry.

What? She was complaining
about a book in her kids school.

That’s right. And that
book, the Bible.

Alright, before we bring out our next
guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors.

Jimmy!

Republican or not is sponsored
by the city of Orlando,

where Democrats
visit and Republicans live.

Orlando.
Back to you, Benson.

Thank you, Jimmy. Alright,
let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Good afternoon.

Is that... I feel
like I recognize her.

Maybe you do.
Start the clock.

I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m
endorsed by the NRA

and have an 80% rating from the American
Conservative Union.

Nobody wants to ring in?

Yeah, I really want to.
It seems so obvious,

but this game is weird.

My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the
daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

She’s the
daughter of Dick Cheney.

Okay. Y’all are being
real tricky here, aren’t you?

I’m a Republican.

Republican. She just said she’s
a Republican.

No, sorry. Again. That is
wrong.

What? How?

The Wyoming Republican
Party actually voted representative

Cheney out this week for opposing
Donald Trump.

But I am a Republican.

Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but
it’s not what other Republicans say.

Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal
of the Republican Party.

Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for
Republican values all my life.

Aw, that is so cute. We
will see you on MSNBC in about a week.

Let’s take a break. When we come back
we’ll find out if these camouflage pants

are Republican or not.

Who’s wearing them? Guy
playing paintball or Rihanna?

You still don’t get it?

Put on my bootleg Jordans
and boarded the train

Touched down in the land of Colin
Jost and the legendary Wu-Tang

Drive on by the garbage dump so
big you could see it from space

Yeah, we got like 80 bagel spots and
every block has a pizza place

And I'm walking in Staten

All the way from Stapleton to Great Kills
Walking in Staten

We've got a lot of cops and a ton of pills

Saw the ghost of Robert Loggia and
said, "From where do I know you?"

He said, "I was the guy on the piano in
Big" and he sparked up a major doob

Security sure did smell him, and thy
said 'Who the hell are you?'

Man, it's Pte and Wet, and you'd best
bet that Marc Cohn's gonna sue

No, I don't want to be in a parody of my
own song.

What do you mean, I'm already
in it?

And I'm walking in Staten

Is this a pizza place or a bagel place?

Walking in Staten

It's actually a pizza place
inside a bagel place

They've got the Verrazzano Narrows
(It's actually pretty wide)

They've got Chris the Hobby Guy
(Hey, it's Chris and Lisa! Hop in!)

And when you see wild turkeys by the
hospital an alarming amount

No one even bats an eye

Man, it's really weird in Staten

I think this strip club
used to be a McDonald's

And our zoo is shockingly small

Once I saw Method Man hit a hole-in-one

At the Safari Mini-Golf

Staten Island is where I'm walkin'
Real is what I'm talkin'

Y'all proceed with caution
Don't cross this native New Yorkin'

You know we Empire State
We're devastatin' and awesome

My Yankee hat a statement
And a middle finger to Boston

Not like I'm walkin' in Memphis

Feel it in my britches
Elvis made his little riches

By stealin' from Little Richard
Where I'm from we a little different

We're trappin' and easy passin'
Cross the Verrazzano and welcome to Staten

We were drinkin' White Claws and bootlegs

And the cops challenged us to a fight

He said, "Tell me, are you Italian?"

And I said, "Man, I am tonight."

And I was walking in Staten

This place is the reason
I turned out weird

Walking in Staten

And thanks to New Jersey, we now have deer

And we were walking in Staten

Where everybody's dreams
go right down the drain

Walking in Staten

Babies here are born with a golden chain

Wow, look at the ocean, guys. Imagine
if we could actually swim in it

What's that out in the water?

- A dead body
- Great

Ladies and gentlemen, Saweetie.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for
President Biden.

He went under anesthesia
for a colonoscopy and when he woke up,

the house had passed a $2 trillion social
safety net bill,

the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and
a woman had technically

been president for
the first time ever.

And while Biden was processing all that,
he was rushed off to pardon a turkey

named Peanut Butter.

I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79.

Half the
country already thinks he’s senile.

You can’t drop all that on him the second
he comes out of the gats.

I honestly can’t believe how well it went.
Remember David after the dentist?

I’m surprised we didn’t get
“Biden after the colonoscopy”.

On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse
was found not guilty in the murder

of two men during
a Black Lives Matter protest.

So, hopefully he got all that shooting
out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the
country in response to the acquittal

of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave
because Rittenhouse

just got off a shooting protesters.
I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

Matt Gaetz said his office
would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse

as a congressional intern because Gaetz
has always loved

teenagers who are willing
to do terrible things.

Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new
liver, please

surrender to the FBI on contempt of
Congress charges

and said we are taking
down the Biden regime.

I hate to break it to you, but I think
Biden’s got that covered all on his own.

Bannon addressed his
supporters in a live stream on GETTR,

a social media platform popular with Trump
allies.

GETTR is named after what its
users say whenever

they see a woman
walking alone.

A Washington DC art school is
postponing renaming its theater

after alumni Dave Chappelle following his
Netflix special controversy.

Well, of course, because God forbid you
should name a building after someone

problematic in Washington DC.

Meanwhile, my old high school insists on
keeping the

Michael Chase sucks butt bathroom stall.

Some of my best work.

Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here
watching an interracial couple walk by,

has officially been censured after posting
a violent anime video that depicted

him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
But I don’t know.

He’s a 60 year old man who makes
his own anime.

When he heard he was
getting punished, he was probably like,

“Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an
octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

This year, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
will feature several exciting new balloons

including star of the Mandalorian Grogu,
aka, Baby Yoda.

Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

Your boy is back.
Wad up, New York City?

It’s great to see you again
Baby Yoda.

Now, you’re going to be a
Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Well, I’m getting paid $2
million dollars to kick it with Pikachu,

Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of
a Wimpy Kid on live TV.

High as hell.
My life’s a movie, son!

It sounds like fun. So, you
got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Hell yeah. Me and your squad
are doing a little Friend’s giving thing

over at Post Malone’s crib.

It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown,

The GEICO Gecko, new mega,

and my boy Clifford
the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Gosh. Well, and I
noticed you have a new look.

Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious.
So, I’m a punk now.

Yeah, like a really authentic,
stick it to the man, Pop Punk.

Yeah, I actually got a... I got a new
album coming out.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

It’s called
“Confessions of the diary of a loser”.

It’s about being unpopular in high school
because you’re a little green Jedi.

And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world
ain’t ready for how good this music is.

It’s exciting.
Can we hear a little?

Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that.
Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella.

This song is called
“10th grade is hard”.

Just another boring
day in high school, Whoa

Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah

I guess I just stereotypical boy,

oh God oh God, yeah

I like it. Everybody likes it.

What about the whole high school
thing? How old are you again?

- I’m in my 50s.
- Right.

But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly
y’all unpopular anymore.

Yeah, turns out
being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

That’s right. There’s been a
lot of speculation about your dating life.

Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I
don’t really talk about that stuff. But...

yeah, I’ll tell you everything.

I’m dating the
mama bear from the Berenstein Bears.

You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro,

when she show up with that blue night gown
and cap on...

Yeah.

Let’s just say we go
beren-stain them sheets.

Oh, come on, man.
That is not appropriate.

Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a
message for her ex.

Baby Groot, it’s over.

If you text my girl again, I will throw
your twig ass in the chipper,

turn you into some paper and then wipe my
little green ass with you. Amen.

Baby Yoda, everybody.

A man surprised his girlfriend
by bringing you’re on stage

to propose to her during an Adele concert.

Then they sat down and listened to an hour
of songs about divorce.

Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks
to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie,

but if you want to see a broken down black
guy team up with a handsome racist,

just watch Weekend Update.

Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t
addressed. Anyway,

a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at
auction

for the record some of $34 million.

A price that definitely raised some
eyebrows.

A professor at a college in Virginia is
being criticized after saying

that it is not immoral for adults to be
sexually attracted to children.

Find out why in his new book, “Wait,
hold on! Hear me out...”

New research shows that before honey bees
are killed by murder Hornets,

they scream a rally cry to other bees...

who sadly just film the attack on their
phones.

It’s not real, guys.

Bees.

It was announced that for the first time
ever, Disney parks will feature

black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as
part of the villains parade.

Royal experts are saying that Queen
Elizabeth’s health has entered

a different phase and the public may not
see her until February.

So, you know what
that means. New titties!

This week the US experienced the longest
partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years.

Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo
mama got on the trampoline.

The UN Climate Change Conference ended
this week with many saying that

not nearly enough was done to address the
alarming rise in global temperatures.

Here to comment is Mother Earth.

Hello. Hello.

Hello, Earth's creatures warning...
No, I’m kidding. I’m normal.

I talk normal. Yeah, I’m just a normal mom
who’s hot and pissed.

Well, thank you so much
for being here, Mother Earth.

Oh, you can call me Mama.

Oh, okay. Mama. Sorry, Mama.

I don’t know. Does that sound natural
coming for me?

No, it sounds really bad.

Well, I do you like your dress?
It’s super cool.

Is that like a
mythical Earth robe?

No, I got this a Chico’s
because it had a moon on the boob.

I cannot believe that people say the Earth
is flat. I mean look at these honkers.

HR said I’m not supposed to.

So, the climate summit just finished.
How are you?

Not well, daddy. Not well.
Here’s the thing. I am not a hard ass.

I mean, you guys got to admit. Because
I’ve been a very cool mom. Okay?

I let a lot of weird stuff slide. Like, I
let you do sea worlds.

I let you put mascara on rats and monkeys.
And you know, New York is like a mix of

cabs and horses and I’m like, “I don’t
love it, but do your thing.”

You know? But now I am worried.
I think I’m like sick.

Is there anyone who can help
you out? Is there like a Father Earth?

No. I mean, I’m single mom.

You know, I mean, I do have a casual
hookup situation with Father Time.

Like, we get kind of freakin nasty.

Yeah, well, I wish it was a ‘wow’, but
it’s more of like, “Okay, thank you.”

Well, what can we all do to
reverse the current climate crisis?

Well, it’s all the things
that you don’t want to do.

Like, no more hamburgers or Forever 21.

Stop throwing iPhones in the ocean.

And can I just say one thing? Coal is from
my ass. You know that, right?

Like, you’re literally going down digging
around my ass and grabbing coal nuggets.

And then you’re like, “Oh, I think we
should burn our mom’s ass rock.”

And the sun is right there literally
begging for a job. But you guys are like,

“No, no, we have a grand tradition
of burning our mom's ass.”

Don’t you think we can make new technology
that can help with some of this?

I don’t know. I feel like all I see is
divorce nerds trying to colonize Mars.

You know? And honestly, I know Mars. She’s
a hot dry windy horn.

- You know that, right Colin?
- I’ve heard that.

I don’t know about you. I just think I’m
still hopeful that we can make it better.

Aww, see? I’m gonna miss
humans after you burn. You guys are cute.

Well, before we go, is there
anything else you want humans to know?

Yeah. Yeah, there is.

I'm your mother. I care about you.
I love you.

And this can go one of two ways.
You helped me or I’m gonna kill you.

Mama gonna kill you dead. Nah, I’m
kidding. I love you guys.

I think the
corporations are really going to help ya.

- Mother Earth, everyone.
-Yeah, love is my diarheea.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost
- I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

We now return to the
Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

Okay, Baker’s. Time is up.

Today’s theme was giving thanks and you
had two hours to create cakes

based on what you’re most thankful for.
First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Hi, judges. I can’t
believe I’m here.

We’re glad you are. Now
tell us what you made today.

Well, I always worried I would
never have children. So, this year

I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl
who turns three this Thanksgiving.

So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in
sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl

just had her first dance recital so she’s
wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

That is adorable. I’m dying.

Thank you. I’m almost as proud
of her as I am with the cake.

Oh, well. Let’s see it.

Yeah, I messed up.

Whoa, Stacy. It looks like
you had a little trouble there.

Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I
pretended to cry,

you wouldn’t noticed
that my cake was bad.

Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Yeah. I had trouble was her head.
So, I turned into a diaper.

And then I put a yellow legs on her.
I don’t, I don’t know.

Well let’s sample the cake.

Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Yeah, I do not know how to bake.

I also do not have a daughter.
I made that all up.

Wow, you are a mess. Next up is
home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Ay, cute pun.
And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Oh, I really do. And if I may.

My name is Mike
and I’m here to bake

the make the cake, the...

Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But
let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Well, this year I’m most thankful
for time with friends and family.

So, in the spirit of abundance, I made
two cakes.

First is a pilgrim made from butterscotch
pound cake and European buttercream.

The second cake is a faux Turkey made with
Angel Food and caramel icing.

Save me a drumstick.

Wow, two cakes. That’s a first.
Let’s see them.

Yeah, I did it wrong.

Oh! Mike! What happened?

I think just total lack of
imagination and ability.

Why did you give
the pilgrim red lips?

I don’t know. I don’t
remember doing any of this.

Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is
returning contestant, Sandy.

Hi, judges. I pulled out all the
stops today

with my three layer fall
Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

Okay.

Next up is Ralph.

What? No! This is good.

Well, you said it’s three
layers and this is only two.

His cake is horrible and
you didn’t even taste it.

Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

Oh, my God!

Mike did your cake just open its
eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

I don’t know. I think my cake is so
bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Well, we still need to taste it.

Of course, of course.

Mike, did the pilgrim just barf on
the turkey?

I believe it did, ma’am.
It’s squeamish, I guess.

That’s so disgusting. That is not
up to baking challenge standards.

Oh my God! Ew!

Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Argh! Should I go?
I feel like I should go.

No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

Well, it’s easy to look back at
Thanksgivings of old.

But what will Thanksgivings be in the
future?

Thanks to a new era of space travel, we
may know sooner than we think.

My cake is
a tribute to that.

Okay. And the white stuff...

the white stuff is like
the re-entering the atmosphere?

Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Looks like we have a
tough decision to make.

No, you don’t.

Knock, knock.

Simu, what’s up? My
fellow, yellow, hello.

- What?
- Nothing. I’m just nervous I think.

I mean, this has never happened before.
Right?

Asian male host.
Asian male cast member.

I know. It’s like we’re
the Spider Man meme.

Except you have abs and I have ibs.

- Ibs?
- IBS.

Anyway, Congrats, man. I mean, the first
Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head
around it. I mean, you get it, right?

Like, first fully Asian cast member on
SNL? It’s amazing.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird
that people keep track of this stuff.

Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, I just got this

first Asian man who moved from Canada to
America named Simu.

I have one that says Bowen.

No way. Yeah, I always just
forget to take mine off.

Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you.

You are the first gay Asian cast member to
mispronounce boutique.

- Is it not Bu-ti-kwa?
- No. Congrats.

Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

And Simu, you were just named the first
Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

- Wow, congratulations.
- Thanks.

But seriously,
Sang Chi was so good.

Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying
I’m the first Asian man

to blow up a
dragon from the inside.

I got the same one too.
But it means something else.

Anyway, don’t you think these
titles are kind of ridiculous?

Totally. Like the state of Michigan
gave me the

“good job parentheses Asian award”.
I do not care!

To every Asian
on the planet. I did this for you.

I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft
II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

There’s no way this is true.
But thank you so much.

Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are
for you.

- Oh, my God. For me?
- What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Oh, I guess I was the first Asian
that you pick to a Panera or something.

Yes! I did it! I did it! I picked two!

You know, it’s almost embarrassing.

Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about
being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

Mom, I’m hot.

Weren’t you the first openly
bottom guy on that list.

I’m not open about
that. Who told you that?

- Sorry, I just guessed.
- Oh, nice. Good job.

Hey, I have another award for first Asian
man to do a share impression on NBC.

But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

- Simu wins.
- Yes!

Congratulations.

Just remember Simu,

whatever first thing you do,

I’ll always be gay.

Once again, Saweetie.

911. What’s your emergency?

Oh, yes. Hi.
I think I might be dead.

You think you’re dead? Sir?

Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party
and I smoked some marijuana.

And I ODed.

And now I’m dying or I believe myself to
be dead.

So, can you send the hospital to
here please?

Okay, sir. You cannot
OD on marijuana.

No, but I did because when I
breathe, the air goes down

into my stomach
like food, not like breathing air.

So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like
this forever, ma’am?

Jesus Christ, Arthur.
Who did you call? Hello.

Hello ma’am. This is
911 Emergency Services.

Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself
and some other professors

from Crembly college are having a little
get together.

And we smoked a joint one of
my grad students gave me.

- You tell her I’m dead?
- We’re fine.

Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t
handle their weed. Okay, goodnight, hun.

Good night, ma’am.

- 911, What’s your emergency?
- Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Now, sir, are you at the same
Friendsgiving get together

with the
gentlemen who just called?

Oh, yes, yes. You must come here,
but I’m not where time is.

Will, you still be able to come here even
though I’m not where time is?

Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine
and you are where time is.

Have you ever
smoked marijuana before?

Yes. Once at Counting
Crows concert in 1992.

Okay. So, the weed of today is much
stronger.

And that’s why you’re having
this reaction.

Oh, are you mad at me?

No, sir. Is there someone who’s
more mellow that I can speak to?

Oh, yes. Yes. My wife
Helen’s right here.

- Yes.
- Is this Alan’s wife?

- Well, I was but I’m dead now.
- Great. Okay, you too.

Does everyone know we’re high?
Do people know?

I do.

Oh, my God. You guys.
Everyone knows.

Old people gotta stop smoking weed.

Hello, 911. What’s your
emergency?

- Yes. Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, sir.

Wonderful. Send every ambulance
in the world to me, please.

Did you smoke marijuana
at this friendsgiving too?

Yes. And my head feels tight on my
head.

But if I remove it, my ideas and
memories will escape.

I need help with this.
Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Grown adults taking up my damn time.

- 911. What’s your emergency?
- Hi, sweetie.

Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t
keep taking these calls from you all.

There are real emergency we need to deal
with.

Well, I got one for you. I put a book in
the oven instead of a turkey.

And now my kitchens on fire.
Classic stoner move.

That's our show for tonight, folks.
Thank you to Saweetie,

to Lauren, to everybody in the
cast and crew.

Thank you, it's been a
dream come true. Goodnight!