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You’re watching Newsmax kids.
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00:00:02,962 --> 00:00:06,682
At one it’s White Power Ranger.
But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.
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Hello. Hello.
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I’m Texas senator and the last one invited
to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz.
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You know, for 50 years I stood by
Sesame Street,
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taught our children dangerous
ideas like numbers and kindness.
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00:00:31,082 --> 00:00:36,283
But when Big Bird told children to get
vaccinated against deadly disease,
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I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own
Sesame Street called Cruz Street.
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00:00:43,442 --> 00:00:49,122
It’s a gated community where kids are safe
from the World Government. Tell them kids.
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00:00:50,603 --> 00:00:55,402
Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
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00:00:55,482 --> 00:01:00,963
and he hopes you’ll say
that his beard looks sweet
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- Grab an eagle and a gun
- Bring that gun to cruz street
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Did someone say
bring gun?
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00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:13,723
Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene.
What are you doing here?
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I’m just taking a break from releasing the
phone numbers of Republicans who voted
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for the infrastructure bill so they and
their families get death threats.
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And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you
want to hold the AR-15?
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- I don’t think I should.
- Pussy.
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And I hear you have
a word from our sponsor.
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That’s right.
Today’s episode is brought to you by Q.
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Not the letter, the man. He will tell
us when JFK Jr. who is alive
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will reveal himself and help President
Trump reclaim his rightful throne.
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Everything about that
sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.
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I represent America.
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Now, as you know, I was mocked
for attacking Big Bird on Twitter,
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simply because I’m a human senator and he
is an eight foot tall fictional bird.
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But let’s see what happened to Big Bird
after he got the vaccine.
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Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.
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Wow. So this is what happened
to you a week after you got the vaccine?
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It sure is. My feathers fell
out. My nuts got huge.
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And my joints don’t work.
It’s real bad man.
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Well, don’t worry. I read online
that you can take a bath in Borax,
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and that will cleanse you have any
nanotechnology?
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You’re sure, Senator Cruz?
That sounds kind of dumb.
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No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.
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Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.
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Yes, yes, that sounds correct.
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Let’s ask our resident medical expert,
Joe Rogan.
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Yes, that’s right.
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I used to host Fear Factor
and now doctors fear me.
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Can you help me, Joe?
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Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took
Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID.
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Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some
horse medicine.
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00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:17,242
But why would a
bird take horse medicine?
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I’m a human and I took horse
medicine.
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And I’m speaking of things that
are a horse like.
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Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and
D as in I can S my own D.
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Oh my God. Isn’t this for kids?
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No one under 65 watches.
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I’m almost 30.
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Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the
only letters we’re talking about today.
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There’s also three terrible letters C, R
and T. Critical Race Theory.
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And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights
Trampled.
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That’s why the proud boys have been
invading school board meetings to keep
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CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome
to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.
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Hi. Hi, Ted.
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And yeah, we are out and proud.
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That’s right. They are out there every day
proudly fighting the progressive agenda.
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Our relationship
has progressed a bit.
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We got engaged.
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Engaged in a battle
against the tyranny of wokers.
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Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.
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Their girlfriends are very lucky.
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Now another danger facing our country is
the Democrats new social safety net bill.
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Did somebody say free money?
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00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:58,043
Uh-oh, it’s my Nemesis Oscar
the slouch.
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He’s been trained by the Democrats
to suck up the tit of the government.
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That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave
me so many STEMIs,
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I decided to quit
working and live in this trash can.
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Now you all work hard and Biden gives me
your money.
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Wow. And you have
no shame about that?
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Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward
of the state.
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I use your tax money on
drugs and pornography.
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At least he admitted it. All
Democrats are him.
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Let’s take a quick break. And when we
return we’ll find out how Trump
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definitely
won the election with the recount count.
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I’m moving to Arizona.
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And don’t miss our Word of the
day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.
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Oh my God, you guys.
We did it.
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And live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.
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Musical guest, Taylor Swift
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And your host, Jonathn Majors
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Jonathan Majors.
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Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
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I’m excited to be here.
It’s exciting.
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My name is Jonathan Majors. I’m in a new
Netflix 'The Harder They Fall'
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alongside Idris Elba.
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It was fun.
It was fun filming that movie.
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But if you ever want to feel bad about how
you look,
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definitely spend two months
standing right next to Idris Elba.
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Humbling.
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Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father
was in the Air Force.
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My mother’s a pastor. So, hallelujah. And
I moved around a lot.
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I like to say I was born in California,
raised in Texas,
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educated in North Carolina, roughed up in
New York City
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and then re educated in New Haven,
Connecticut.
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Which I guess is my roundabout way of
saying yeah, I went to Yale.
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It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on
this stage.
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When they told me I was gonna
host SNL I said that’s impossible.
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For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s
been a crazy journey.
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When I was 17, I was homeless, living in
my car, working at Red Lobster
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and Olive Garden.
But you know what?
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I learned from that experience.
You know what I learned?
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That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are
owned by the same parent company.
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So, you can work in both places
with no problem.
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Side note, it’s crazy how many people got
their start at Red Lobster.
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Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked
there.
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Now I don’t know what they put in them
Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.
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Really, that experience it taught me a
lot. It taught me that work hard,
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if you trust the plan,
great things can happen.
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I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m
gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie.
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Or as the black community likes to call
it, not Black Panther.
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And now I am indeed
hosting Saturday Night Live.
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That's dope.
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I remember the moment when the way of all
that kind of hit me,
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it finally sank in, I was laying in bed
looking at the ceiling
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and all of a sudden, I got this huge
burst of energy,
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excitement, boom, schedule boy.
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Something big just happened. And it was
okay that it was big. You know?
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You couldn’t let that bigness scare you
and I thought back to
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this advice my grandpa always gave me.
He’d say,
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00:10:57,802 --> 00:11:03,802
“Grandson, everything’s big at first. But
you walk up on it, you face it,
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pretty soon is so small you can put it in
your pocket.”
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00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:12,722
Which incidentally is the
tagline for the next Ant-man movie.
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Alright, look. We got a great show for you
all tonight.
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Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick
around. We’ll be right back.
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You’re watching the History Channel.
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At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s
Personal Waiters”.
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Now we return to
“Forgotten Monarchs”.
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Queen Matilda the First
assumed the throne at the age of 19.
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Within days of a coronation, the search
for husband began with a tradition known
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as the march of the suitors.
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00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:52,442
My queen, men of both noble and
common blood
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have come from far and wide
to win your hand.
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Are you ready to greet
your suitors?
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Um, sure.
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00:12:02,442 --> 00:12:05,562
The Queen says sure.
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And now let the march begin.
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First, oh dear, how uncomfortable,
my liege,
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presenting the Queen’s guy friend
who’s in love with her,
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but she doesn’t like him in that way.
Thomas of Sneed Lo.
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Wow, you look gorgeous
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I told you Thomas.
I don’t like you like that.
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At least tell me what I could change about
myself for you to consider marrying me.
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I mean, literally all of it.
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Okay, I can work with that. Hey,
remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.
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- No. Thomas. Please just go.
- No. No.
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Next, oh, a commoner, my liege.
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Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and
his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.
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00:13:05,883 --> 00:13:10,442
Well, I will not tell you, miss.
My son, Rafi, I know this much.
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He poor, and dumb, and filthy.
But this idiot got a huge sausage.
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We figure it out when he wasn’t even born.
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Alright, the milk maker too.
She’s seen it.
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It’s crazy, my lady.
Thank you, my lady.
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Do you wanna take a peek?
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- Drop your pantaloons, boy. Show him.
- Aye, mumsy.
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Oh! Behold!
The new king of England!
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No. No. No. No. It takes more than
that to win my heart. Farewell.
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My grace.
No one has more than that.
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Lady Eloise!
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Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting
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the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey,
the conqueror.
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All hail. Prince Harwey.
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00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:12,243
Your Majesty. As your king,
I will spoil you with riches,
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loyalty and of course,
pleasure.
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Prince Harwey, the
great satisfier of women.
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00:14:22,322 --> 00:14:26,922
I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your
Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince.
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00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:32,363
This is my dumbass husband, Dave.
A two cans salesman with six kids.
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00:14:33,322 --> 00:14:35,163
Shall I send
them away my liege?
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00:14:35,562 --> 00:14:39,283
No. Let them say. I love the drama.
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00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:44,043
So, what’s up Dave?
You got a seven year itch?
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00:14:44,123 --> 00:14:46,842
So you’re joining the march
of the damn suitors?
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00:14:46,922 --> 00:14:51,962
Dressed up in a stupid ass bone armor and
get your idiot best friend to bang a drum
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and call you mighty Prince Harwey?
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00:14:55,483 --> 00:14:57,643
- Um, Prince Harwey?
- Shut up, Archanbald.
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What
the hell are you doing Dave?
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Being stupid.
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00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,802
Yeah, being stupid. That’s
all you have to say?
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00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,922
- You look pretty.
- Boy, shut up.
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We’re going home prince
Who-Ha, great satisfier of women.
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00:15:12,403 --> 00:15:14,163
This way.
I’m gonna satisfy really.
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00:15:17,363 --> 00:15:18,602
My liege.
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00:15:18,682 --> 00:15:24,363
Next, presenting
lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.
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00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:33,043
Love. I noticed a long shot but I
thought, “Hey, you know,
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this girl cute as hell, man.”
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00:15:37,283 --> 00:15:40,202
I might as well just moss my lazy ass all
down to the castle
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and see if she down to
clown around.
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I know I like boys.
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00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:49,922
But whenever I have wine I always end up
making out with my girlfriends.
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00:15:50,602 --> 00:15:52,802
She does. It’s a thing.
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00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:58,682
So, come to the world feasts
tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?
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00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:03,523
Well, this day just got nuts.
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00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:08,322
When we return the story of
Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible
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00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,562
Just feels like the whole thing is, we're
all donkeys
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00:16:20,643 --> 00:16:21,962
Come on in!
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00:16:22,363 --> 00:16:23,283
Hey, what's up, boys!
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00:16:23,962 --> 00:16:25,202
- Pete in the house.
- Pete man!
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00:16:25,643 --> 00:16:28,523
- The king of Staten Island himself!
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00:16:29,082 --> 00:16:30,322
- What?
- Nothing, what's up?
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00:16:30,403 --> 00:16:32,883
Well, I just wanna say you guys have been
making some
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00:16:32,962 --> 00:16:34,842
really fun videos for the
show this year
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00:16:34,922 --> 00:16:37,363
- Dude!
- Thank you, man! That's very nice
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00:16:37,442 --> 00:16:39,922
It got me thinking, like, we should all do
a video together.
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00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:42,163
I had this idea where maybe we could do
like a music video
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00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:44,962
about how we're all like best friends and
how we're all, like, boys.
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00:16:45,043 --> 00:16:46,722
We would be in it with you?
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00:16:46,802 --> 00:16:48,483
Yeah, you guys would be the boys, so.
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00:16:48,562 --> 00:16:51,442
- Yeah! Oh my God!
- I would say so, yeah.
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00:16:51,523 --> 00:16:52,442
Let's do it!
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00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:58,442
Yo, it's Pete and PDD
Let's go
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00:16:59,403 --> 00:17:03,123
Another day in the life of Pete
Just sitting in a courtside seat
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00:17:03,202 --> 00:17:05,683
People wanna take my picture with selfie
sticks
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00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,243
It winds up on Page Six
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00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:09,562
It's never-ending
Everyday I'm trending
215
00:17:09,642 --> 00:17:11,723
People wanna see the texts that I'm
sending
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00:17:11,802 --> 00:17:15,963
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins
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00:17:16,043 --> 00:17:19,443
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
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00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:23,122
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
219
00:17:23,203 --> 00:17:24,683
Sir, can we time out for a second?
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00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:27,043
Yeah, what's going on guys?
You having fun?
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00:17:27,122 --> 00:17:31,483
I'm having a blast
Quick question, is this about us?
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00:17:31,562 --> 00:17:32,602
Which part?
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00:17:32,683 --> 00:17:35,283
- I guess the three sad virgins part.
- Yeah.
224
00:17:35,683 --> 00:17:39,203
Because, like, we have had sex
Maybe not super recently but...
225
00:17:39,283 --> 00:17:41,923
Guys, it's just a parody video, you guys
are just playing characters
226
00:17:42,003 --> 00:17:44,043
- Characters...
- Oh, so people won't think it's about us?
227
00:17:44,122 --> 00:17:45,283
It's not about you at all
228
00:17:45,362 --> 00:17:48,443
Their names are Martin, Ben and John
And they work at the show I'm on
229
00:17:48,523 --> 00:17:50,923
- They just don't have any swag
- What?
230
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,963
They're tall and weird and sad
John's loud but not very smart
231
00:17:54,043 --> 00:17:55,683
Ben's breath kinda smells like a fart
232
00:17:55,763 --> 00:18:00,802
And Martin's penis tip is way too red
At least, that's what his doctor said
233
00:18:00,882 --> 00:18:03,082
- Three sad virgins, what?
- He's talking about us.
234
00:18:03,162 --> 00:18:04,963
Three sad virgins, whoa
235
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,842
- Oh my God.
- Oh, that was my real doctor.
236
00:18:06,923 --> 00:18:08,963
- I gotta say something.
- Yeah, you should, yeah.
237
00:18:09,043 --> 00:18:10,283
Pete!
238
00:18:10,362 --> 00:18:12,122
- What's up?
- We love it.
239
00:18:12,203 --> 00:18:14,963
- Love it.
- I just had one like tiny thought.
240
00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:17,162
This guy has notes? Leave it as-is.
It's rocking, dude.
241
00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:20,322
Hey, do you have an ashtray by any chance?
Oh yeah, thanks
242
00:18:20,402 --> 00:18:23,763
My only thing is maybe it could just be
like completely different.
243
00:18:23,842 --> 00:18:25,162
Oh, okay.
244
00:18:25,243 --> 00:18:27,763
Maybe it's something topical,
like Dune's a big movie.
245
00:18:27,842 --> 00:18:29,523
- Oh, something with Dune.
- A Dune rap.
246
00:18:29,602 --> 00:18:32,283
All right, all right guys.
It's now a Dune rap.
247
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,283
So let's get some sand in here!
248
00:18:34,362 --> 00:18:35,523
- Yeah!
- Alright.
249
00:18:35,602 --> 00:18:38,882
The planet Dune is very nice
It's a world that's made of spice
250
00:18:38,963 --> 00:18:41,082
It's sandy like a playa
With Zendaya
251
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:44,003
I'm gonna ride a worm
And these guys suck
252
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,842
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune
253
00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:49,602
Why is he humiliating us?
254
00:18:49,683 --> 00:18:52,082
Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy
from Wendy's?
255
00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:54,162
Pete made me do it
256
00:18:54,243 --> 00:18:57,562
- And why are we up here?
- He said we're like the flying sad sacks.
257
00:18:57,642 --> 00:18:59,683
You know what?
We can't stand for this, right?
258
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,723
- Yeah!
- No, no. No!
259
00:19:02,562 --> 00:19:05,082
- Ben! Ben!
- Let us down!
260
00:19:05,162 --> 00:19:06,963
Hey Ben, you ok, dude?
261
00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:08,443
- Are you guys ready to go in again?
- No!
262
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:11,322
We can't do this anymore, okay?
It's humiliating.
263
00:19:11,402 --> 00:19:14,162
Damn guys, I'm sorry, I thought that this
would be a...
264
00:19:14,243 --> 00:19:17,082
fun thing for all of us,
if it's not, then let's just end it.
265
00:19:17,602 --> 00:19:19,162
- Thanks, Pete.
- Thank you, Pete.
266
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:21,003
- I mean, after we do the bridge.
- Wait, what bridge?
267
00:19:21,082 --> 00:19:22,362
- Hey, Pete!
- Oh, hey ,Taylor!
268
00:19:23,402 --> 00:19:27,122
Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
269
00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:30,802
He looks like if Big Bird lost all his
feathers
270
00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:36,723
And Martin has the charm and the
sex appeal of a scarecrow
271
00:19:36,802 --> 00:19:37,763
That's not true!
272
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:42,402
John has a big-ass
bowling ball head
273
00:19:42,483 --> 00:19:46,322
How does he stay upright
with that big, fat melon?
274
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:51,923
And none of them have the guts to take
their shirts off in front of a girl
275
00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:53,802
Yeah, that's accurate, true.
276
00:19:53,882 --> 00:19:58,402
'Cause they're Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
277
00:19:58,483 --> 00:20:02,402
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
278
00:20:02,483 --> 00:20:06,322
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, whoa
279
00:20:06,402 --> 00:20:10,963
Three sad virgins, what?
And they're gonna die alone
280
00:20:12,642 --> 00:20:17,322
Live from the Fox Con Empathy
is the Audacity in Advertising Awards.
281
00:20:17,402 --> 00:20:21,483
With your hosts Jake from State Farm
and Flo from Progressive.
282
00:20:25,243 --> 00:20:26,243
Good evening.
283
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:30,122
Commercials, they’re tiny movies
they play during TV.
284
00:20:30,203 --> 00:20:32,003
I love being the
face of StateFarm.
285
00:20:32,562 --> 00:20:37,483
And I signed 100 billion year contract
with Progressive and I love that too.
286
00:20:38,443 --> 00:20:42,602
We’re here tonight to crown the winners of
the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.
287
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,043
Also known as the Pepsi’s.
288
00:20:47,723 --> 00:20:54,243
The Commercials make us cry. They make a
shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”
289
00:20:54,882 --> 00:20:58,523
Because these days it’s no longer
enough to ask where’s the beef?
290
00:20:58,602 --> 00:21:01,923
We must also ask how can it be diversity?
291
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:06,162
We’re so excited to celebrate the most
egregious ads of the year.
292
00:21:06,243 --> 00:21:10,443
Our first nominee is a moving conversation
between a father and son.
293
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:13,122
Did mom know?
294
00:21:14,402 --> 00:21:16,963
She knew. We still loved each
other.
295
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,043
I never felt like it was right for me to
come out while you guys were still kids.
296
00:21:20,122 --> 00:21:24,642
- I don’t know what to say.
- It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.
297
00:21:25,882 --> 00:21:29,402
Me too.
I’ve wasted my life.
298
00:21:30,683 --> 00:21:33,402
Facebook Portal.
Share something real.
299
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:39,162
Wow. Wow. That must have
sold a lot of Facebooks.
300
00:21:39,243 --> 00:21:40,683
Truly stunning.
301
00:21:40,763 --> 00:21:43,043
We’ll be seeing more of
these later in the evening.
302
00:21:43,122 --> 00:21:45,802
We have so many amazing awards to
give out tonight.
303
00:21:45,882 --> 00:21:50,283
Like ‘most outrageous use of sign
language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’
304
00:21:51,523 --> 00:21:53,602
But first one of my favorite
categories.
305
00:21:53,683 --> 00:21:58,122
Flo, it’s so exciting when you can tell a
company doesn’t know how it’s received.
306
00:21:58,203 --> 00:22:00,842
It can be even more exciting when it
feels like they aren’t
307
00:22:00,923 --> 00:22:03,203
even sure what it
is the thing that they do.
308
00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:08,122
Here are the nominees
for using what to sell what?
309
00:22:10,243 --> 00:22:13,122
Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in
pain,
310
00:22:13,203 --> 00:22:16,283
kind fisherman comes and wipes it off.
BP.
311
00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:24,523
Children hold hands over borer wall.
O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.
312
00:22:28,642 --> 00:22:32,923
Two undocumented lesbians getting
prison married. Sargento cheese.
313
00:22:36,043 --> 00:22:37,562
And the winner is
314
00:22:38,362 --> 00:22:39,443
BP.
315
00:22:41,082 --> 00:22:43,842
The ad execs of this company prefer not to
come up here
316
00:22:43,923 --> 00:22:45,122
tonight because they are
embarrassed.
317
00:22:46,243 --> 00:22:50,402
Here to accept the award on
their behalf is their newest intern.
318
00:22:52,562 --> 00:22:57,003
Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you.
This is crazy.
319
00:22:57,082 --> 00:23:00,362
Oh, I started two days ago
and now I’m on TV.
320
00:23:00,842 --> 00:23:05,443
I want to thank my supervisor for showing
me where the free Clif Bars are.
321
00:23:05,523 --> 00:23:08,562
And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met.
Go interns. Whooo!
322
00:23:08,963 --> 00:23:09,923
Thank you.
323
00:23:11,362 --> 00:23:12,683
He will go far.
324
00:23:12,763 --> 00:23:17,043
And now on a more serious note, companies
can’t last forever.
325
00:23:17,122 --> 00:23:20,523
Let’s take a moment to
remember the ones we sadly lost this year.
326
00:23:21,642 --> 00:23:27,802
Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi,
327
00:23:27,882 --> 00:23:33,043
titi, Duku and
fupa TV.
328
00:23:34,802 --> 00:23:36,723
We will miss most of you.
329
00:23:37,842 --> 00:23:40,723
And now, here to present the
category you’ve all been waiting for.
330
00:23:40,802 --> 00:23:43,802
Please welcome the Limu Emu
and his human friend.
331
00:23:47,043 --> 00:23:51,402
Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad
to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?
332
00:23:52,322 --> 00:23:53,322
Aflac.
333
00:23:53,402 --> 00:23:56,402
Dude, stop. That’s not us.
I told you that.
334
00:23:56,483 --> 00:24:01,082
God I hate that we’re
married. Oh my God. Nope. Nope.
335
00:24:01,162 --> 00:24:06,082
Here are the nominees for most egregious
ad of the year 2021.
336
00:24:07,043 --> 00:24:10,003
When I was little, my school
burned in a fire.
337
00:24:10,082 --> 00:24:12,963
Ever since then, I’ve
dreamed of being a fireman.
338
00:24:13,043 --> 00:24:15,723
Driving for Amazon gives me the
flexibility
339
00:24:16,203 --> 00:24:19,362
to go to firefighter school
online while I drive.
340
00:24:19,443 --> 00:24:22,723
Today, I’m on my way
to being a real firefighter.
341
00:24:22,802 --> 00:24:25,043
God bless you,
Amazon.
342
00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:27,763
Amazon, God bless us.
343
00:24:29,283 --> 00:24:34,362
This baby is trans,
Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.
344
00:24:38,562 --> 00:24:40,923
Wow. Absolutely Craven.
345
00:24:41,443 --> 00:24:44,483
We’ll be back with the winner
and other exciting categories.
346
00:24:45,802 --> 00:24:51,082
Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming
of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.
347
00:24:56,043 --> 00:24:58,882
You’re watching
the Sci Fi channel. Why?
348
00:25:04,122 --> 00:25:06,882
Alright, welcome back to
Strange Kid Tales.
349
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:10,162
The show where parents tell us paranormal
stories about their kids.
350
00:25:10,243 --> 00:25:13,642
I hate hosting this show.
But a paycheck’s a paycheck.
351
00:25:13,723 --> 00:25:19,243
I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host
Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?
352
00:25:19,322 --> 00:25:21,322
- No. But we got to do it anyway.
- Yep.
353
00:25:22,642 --> 00:25:25,963
Our first guest, Marla
Winters and her son, Caden.
354
00:25:31,562 --> 00:25:33,842
So what’s going on with this little boy?
355
00:25:34,723 --> 00:25:38,122
Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so
perceptive.
356
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:41,723
And it’s like, he can see
other worldly things that we can’t see.
357
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:44,882
What does that mean?
358
00:25:45,562 --> 00:25:49,523
Oh, well, like the other day,
we were walking by a cemetery.
359
00:25:49,602 --> 00:25:50,562
No.
360
00:25:52,003 --> 00:25:56,043
And he starts waving at someone.
Only there’s no one there.
361
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:58,122
Do not like it.
362
00:25:59,642 --> 00:26:05,523
So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he
says, “The man in the red jacket.”
363
00:26:06,043 --> 00:26:07,322
The who in the what now?
364
00:26:08,322 --> 00:26:11,043
- And the weird part is―
- Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?
365
00:26:11,122 --> 00:26:14,483
When I was tucking him in that
night,
366
00:26:14,562 --> 00:26:18,642
he waved at the corner of his bedroom,
and I said, “Who are you waving at now?”
367
00:26:18,723 --> 00:26:22,763
And he goes, “The man in the red
jacket.” He followed us home.
368
00:26:22,842 --> 00:26:26,963
No. No, no, no, no.
369
00:26:28,523 --> 00:26:30,802
Alright. Thank you for being here.
But you gotta go.
370
00:26:32,283 --> 00:26:35,243
- Alright. Let’s keep it moving.
- Do we have to?
371
00:26:35,322 --> 00:26:36,483
- Yes.
- Okay.
372
00:26:36,562 --> 00:26:37,483
All right.
373
00:26:38,322 --> 00:26:42,923
Our next guests are Dave
Timkens and his six year old son, Max.
374
00:26:46,443 --> 00:26:50,443
No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t
even said a word.
375
00:26:51,683 --> 00:26:53,483
There’s nothing behind his eyes.
376
00:27:02,602 --> 00:27:06,203
Alright. So why don’t you just
tell me your kid’s tale, man?
377
00:27:06,283 --> 00:27:10,003
Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I
was watching a World War II doc.
378
00:27:10,082 --> 00:27:13,003
They were showing footage of these fighter
planes, and out of the blue,
379
00:27:13,082 --> 00:27:17,283
Max turns to me and says, “When I was old,
I flew a plane like that.”
380
00:27:18,362 --> 00:27:22,683
When he was old?
He said when he was old?
381
00:27:23,602 --> 00:27:25,923
That is not a sentence I want
coming out of a child’s mouth.
382
00:27:26,882 --> 00:27:31,003
Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here
was a World War II fighter pilot.
383
00:27:31,082 --> 00:27:34,043
Tell him which aircraft carrier you
served on, pal.
384
00:27:34,122 --> 00:27:35,203
The Natoma.
385
00:27:35,602 --> 00:27:37,802
He knows the name of the ship.
386
00:27:37,882 --> 00:27:41,243
He knows the name of the ship.
387
00:27:42,562 --> 00:27:45,842
Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a
really vivid memory of his plane
388
00:27:45,923 --> 00:27:48,923
getting shot down and going underwater.
Tell him what happened next.
389
00:27:50,523 --> 00:27:51,723
I died.
390
00:27:51,802 --> 00:27:57,243
Oh, man! Come on! Come on.
391
00:27:57,322 --> 00:28:03,362
He said he died. And now he here?
Take that demon child away from here.
392
00:28:05,602 --> 00:28:09,683
Man, I do not like this show.
I don’t like these tales.
393
00:28:09,763 --> 00:28:11,043
I’m out. I quit.
394
00:28:11,122 --> 00:28:15,642
You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t
listen to the spooky stories by myself.
395
00:28:17,003 --> 00:28:20,283
Alright, back. Maybe the
last kid won’t be as creepy.
396
00:28:20,882 --> 00:28:22,802
- Yeah, maybe.
- Okay. Let’s see.
397
00:28:22,882 --> 00:28:24,562
- You good?
- Yeah, I’m good. You good?
398
00:28:24,642 --> 00:28:25,923
- Yes.
- Alright.
399
00:28:26,362 --> 00:28:32,043
Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona
Garrett and her daughter
400
00:28:32,122 --> 00:28:34,483
Oh, hell. Coraline.
401
00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:41,003
Alright. So, what’s going on
with this little Wednesday Adams?
402
00:28:42,523 --> 00:28:46,963
So, a few months ago Coraline
started singing the song I’d never heard.
403
00:28:47,043 --> 00:28:48,683
I said, “Who taught you that?”
404
00:28:48,763 --> 00:28:51,602
She said, “The old lady who comes into
my room at night.”
405
00:28:52,003 --> 00:28:53,043
No.
406
00:28:53,122 --> 00:28:55,483
She said, it’s her
imaginary friend.
407
00:28:55,562 --> 00:28:59,802
But then we were looking
through an old family photo album
408
00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:05,963
and there was a picture of her great
grandmother who died 15 years ago.
409
00:29:06,043 --> 00:29:07,162
No...
410
00:29:07,243 --> 00:29:10,602
And Coraline points to the photo and says,
411
00:29:10,683 --> 00:29:13,402
“That’s the woman who sings to me at
night.”
412
00:29:17,882 --> 00:29:21,963
What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary
friends are ghosts.
413
00:29:23,082 --> 00:29:26,162
Alright. That’s it.
This is our last show. We are done.
414
00:29:26,562 --> 00:29:29,802
Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear
that. Wait.
415
00:29:30,642 --> 00:29:34,162
- Who are you staring at?
- The man in the red jacket.
416
00:29:52,043 --> 00:29:56,723
According to studies, many
men say they have no close friendships.
417
00:29:56,802 --> 00:30:00,043
And three and four report receiving all
their emotional support
418
00:30:00,122 --> 00:30:01,443
from their wife or
girlfriend.
419
00:30:01,523 --> 00:30:03,642
Often the moment they come
home from work.
420
00:30:03,723 --> 00:30:06,802
Hi, how are you? I miss you.
Am I balding? Dune?
421
00:30:06,882 --> 00:30:08,483
Okay, cool. Hi, honey.
422
00:30:08,562 --> 00:30:09,802
Vin Diesel has a twin brother.
423
00:30:10,322 --> 00:30:11,562
Oh, honey.
424
00:30:11,642 --> 00:30:15,443
When I walk in the door, my husband
sort of rockets information at me
425
00:30:15,523 --> 00:30:17,243
for 25 minutes straight.
426
00:30:17,322 --> 00:30:20,203
On a football team there’s 11
players, but with rugby there’s 15.
427
00:30:20,283 --> 00:30:22,963
And all the words come out fast and
in the wrong order,
428
00:30:23,043 --> 00:30:25,162
because he hasn’t
spoken to anyone else that day.
429
00:30:25,602 --> 00:30:27,642
I need you to go out of the
house and make a friend
430
00:30:27,723 --> 00:30:30,443
so you talk to other people about this
stuff. And not just me.
431
00:30:30,523 --> 00:30:32,882
That’s insane. Where
would I even go?
432
00:30:32,963 --> 00:30:34,602
Finally, there’s a place.
433
00:30:34,683 --> 00:30:38,483
With Man Park, it’s like a dog park but
for guys in relationships,
434
00:30:38,562 --> 00:30:42,243
they can make friends and have an outlet
besides their girlfriends and wives.
435
00:30:43,082 --> 00:30:45,523
Rise and grind?
Rise and grind.
436
00:30:46,122 --> 00:30:48,203
Rise and grind
brother.
437
00:30:48,283 --> 00:30:52,122
They’re networking.
They’re doing so good.
438
00:30:52,203 --> 00:30:53,243
Which one’s yours?
439
00:30:54,443 --> 00:30:55,443
He’s a little shy.
440
00:30:57,203 --> 00:30:58,723
Go on, go say hi.
441
00:30:59,162 --> 00:31:02,483
It’s not their fault
masculinity makes intimacy so hard.
442
00:31:02,562 --> 00:31:03,723
You got this.
443
00:31:05,162 --> 00:31:06,082
Marvel?
444
00:31:06,923 --> 00:31:09,322
- Marvel.
- Marvel.
445
00:31:09,842 --> 00:31:11,882
- Marvel?
- Marvel.
446
00:31:11,963 --> 00:31:14,562
Marvel.
447
00:31:15,362 --> 00:31:19,322
We know not all men get along. So, there
are separate parks for large breeds.
448
00:31:19,402 --> 00:31:20,562
- Pats.
- Raven.
449
00:31:20,642 --> 00:31:22,402
- Pats.
Raven.
450
00:31:22,483 --> 00:31:23,562
And small breeds.
451
00:31:23,642 --> 00:31:25,723
- Rick.
- Morty.
452
00:31:25,802 --> 00:31:27,283
- Rick.
- Morty.
453
00:31:27,683 --> 00:31:30,723
There’s room for all their
favorite male bonding activities.
454
00:31:31,203 --> 00:31:34,283
Coz I'm Mr. Brightside
455
00:31:34,362 --> 00:31:35,763
And after they run around
and yell,
456
00:31:35,842 --> 00:31:39,122
they can cool down with an IPA
and really connect real talk.
457
00:31:39,203 --> 00:31:42,882
Real talk. Who’s the GOAT??
Michael Jordan? OR Tom Brady?
458
00:31:42,963 --> 00:31:44,283
How about Bo Burnham?
459
00:31:45,243 --> 00:31:46,362
Will you be my best man?
460
00:31:47,642 --> 00:31:49,283
You’re not even engaged yet.
461
00:31:49,362 --> 00:31:51,443
I’m so glad he has
someone else to talk to.
462
00:31:51,523 --> 00:31:54,642
Hey, hey, did you know Vin
Diesel has a twin brother?
463
00:31:54,723 --> 00:31:56,763
What? Amazing!
464
00:31:57,842 --> 00:31:59,882
Why is that what
they’re talking about?
465
00:31:59,963 --> 00:32:02,483
Men are taught that it’s weak to
rely on each other.
466
00:32:02,963 --> 00:32:07,802
So, I guess in that way, and don’t quote
me on this, it’s harder to be a man.
467
00:32:07,882 --> 00:32:10,642
Wait, no. Is this filming?
Don’t show my face saying that.
468
00:32:11,162 --> 00:32:13,283
Man Park. Ladies get in free.
469
00:32:19,362 --> 00:32:21,842
Ladies and gentlemen,
Taylor Swift.
470
00:42:25,963 --> 00:42:30,003
It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.
471
00:42:34,202 --> 00:42:35,323
Good evening everyone.
472
00:42:35,403 --> 00:42:36,722
Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.
473
00:42:36,803 --> 00:42:37,803
I’m Colin Jost.
474
00:42:41,043 --> 00:42:44,003
Well, guys, I think the lesson we all
learned this week is
475
00:42:44,082 --> 00:42:46,443
never break up with
Taylor Swift.
476
00:42:49,923 --> 00:42:54,483
Or she will sing about you
for 10 minutes on national television.
477
00:42:56,562 --> 00:42:59,682
At the very least, return the scarf.
478
00:43:01,003 --> 00:43:03,963
But in real news, I don’t really know
what’s real anymore,
479
00:43:04,043 --> 00:43:06,202
ex Trump advisor Steve Bannon,
480
00:43:06,282 --> 00:43:08,963
seen here moments after shooting out of a
sewage pipe,
481
00:43:11,523 --> 00:43:14,523
sorry, I should use this full
name, Stephen K. Bannon,
482
00:43:14,602 --> 00:43:21,043
the K stands for three Ks, was indicted
this week for contempt of Congress.
483
00:43:21,122 --> 00:43:24,843
And convicted, Bannon would face up to two
years in prison
484
00:43:24,923 --> 00:43:27,363
which from the looks of
him might be a life sentence.
485
00:43:30,443 --> 00:43:34,202
Legal experts are saying that
Kyle Rittenhouse crying on the stand
486
00:43:34,282 --> 00:43:37,883
as he described how he shot his victims
will help him with the jury.
487
00:43:37,963 --> 00:43:41,483
Man, is there a white tears law school
that I don’t know about?
488
00:43:42,323 --> 00:43:45,122
I noticed that every time you all get in
trouble, you start crying
489
00:43:45,202 --> 00:43:48,242
and everything just works out for you
whether you’re trying to beat a
490
00:43:48,323 --> 00:43:51,003
murder charge or trying to be a
Supreme Court justice.
491
00:43:57,202 --> 00:44:00,602
Prosecutors have asked a judge
to send Jacob Chancellor,
492
00:44:00,682 --> 00:44:05,722
the January 6th and surgeon known as the
QAnon shaman to 51 months in prison.
493
00:44:05,803 --> 00:44:11,282
They chose that because five plus one
equals six. 666 is the mark of the beast.
494
00:44:11,363 --> 00:44:17,403
6+6+6 is 18, minus 1 for one nation under
God equals 17.
495
00:44:17,483 --> 00:44:20,843
And the 17th letter of the
alphabet is, say it with me, Q.
496
00:44:22,523 --> 00:44:24,162
It almost
makes too much sense.
497
00:44:25,642 --> 00:44:26,722
There’s
something wrong with you, man.
498
00:44:27,642 --> 00:44:33,003
A judge on Friday officially ended Britney
Spears conservatorship after 13 years.
499
00:44:34,523 --> 00:44:37,043
Media is very excited that she’s back on
her feet
500
00:44:37,122 --> 00:44:39,562
so they can knock her right back
down again.
501
00:44:40,202 --> 00:44:43,682
Senator Josh Hawley, whose middle name is
“I’m actually”
502
00:44:43,762 --> 00:44:48,562
said in a speech that after years of being
told their manhood is the problem,
503
00:44:48,642 --> 00:44:53,443
men are turning to pornography and video
games, which is not true. I also drink.
504
00:44:57,363 --> 00:45:01,403
Elon Musk sold nearly $5
billion in Tesla stock after he polled
505
00:45:01,483 --> 00:45:04,043
his followers on Twitter and they told him
to do it.
506
00:45:04,122 --> 00:45:08,282
Which is good news because the
polls other option was kill a drifter.
507
00:45:12,003 --> 00:45:16,162
A judge ruled that Texas
Governor Greg Abbott’s executive order
508
00:45:16,242 --> 00:45:20,403
banning mass mandates in school violate
the Americans with disabilities act.
509
00:45:20,483 --> 00:45:23,202
Because in Texas, you have to treat the
disabled with care
510
00:45:23,282 --> 00:45:25,803
and respect until the
day you execute them.
511
00:45:29,963 --> 00:45:32,483
I don’t know why I thought that make you
laugh.
512
00:45:32,562 --> 00:45:37,642
It was announced that New York City
Santa Con, which was cancelled last year,
513
00:45:37,722 --> 00:45:40,762
will return this December.
So, the answer is nothing.
514
00:45:40,843 --> 00:45:43,363
The pandemic
taught us nothing.
515
00:45:45,043 --> 00:45:47,682
Well guys, we are six
shows into our new season.
516
00:45:47,762 --> 00:45:51,363
Here to tell us how it’s going is one of
our new cast members, Sarah Sherman.
517
00:45:55,562 --> 00:45:56,722
Hey, Colin.
518
00:45:56,803 --> 00:45:59,363
Hey, Sarah. So, how’s
your time with the show been so far?
519
00:45:59,443 --> 00:46:04,762
What’s not to love?
Laughing, comedy, New York City.
520
00:46:04,843 --> 00:46:08,923
But I’m not gonna lie, dude.
I’ve got some feedback.
521
00:46:09,923 --> 00:46:11,282
You
got feedback already?
522
00:46:11,363 --> 00:46:17,323
Yeah. And I got a lot of questions about
this show. First off, why is it live?
523
00:46:18,523 --> 00:46:20,282
Well, the name
is show Saturday Night Live.
524
00:46:20,363 --> 00:46:22,843
Don’t you think
that’s a little scary, Colin?
525
00:46:22,923 --> 00:46:27,883
I could say something right now that could
ruin my life and yours.
526
00:46:27,963 --> 00:46:29,403
Well, please don’t.
527
00:46:29,483 --> 00:46:33,682
- I kind of want to. I’m crazy.
- Don’t though.
528
00:46:33,762 --> 00:46:37,642
Anything could happen.
I can have a nip slip right now.
529
00:46:38,282 --> 00:46:39,722
Sarah, you’re
buttoned up to your neck.
530
00:46:40,762 --> 00:46:42,483
You
don’t where my nipples are.
531
00:46:43,483 --> 00:46:46,722
Okay, like I feel like I know where most
people’s nipples are.
532
00:46:46,803 --> 00:46:48,323
Hah, do you?
533
00:46:49,162 --> 00:46:54,483
This just in. Local pervert, Collin Jost,
534
00:46:54,883 --> 00:47:00,003
claims he seen most people’s nipples.
Now, back to you, Colin.
535
00:47:01,003 --> 00:47:02,122
That’s
not what I meant.
536
00:47:02,202 --> 00:47:05,642
And another thing.
Why is the show on so late?
537
00:47:05,722 --> 00:47:12,162
It’s not even Saturday anymore.
It’s Sunday. You people are being lied to.
538
00:47:14,202 --> 00:47:16,682
Okay. Alright.
Well, the show starts on Saturday.
539
00:47:18,843 --> 00:47:24,483
Wow. In other news, self
proclaimed nipple expert, Colin Jost,
540
00:47:24,963 --> 00:47:30,602
caught mansplaining live on television.
Now back to you, Colin.
541
00:47:31,282 --> 00:47:32,843
Where are
you getting these graphics?
542
00:47:32,923 --> 00:47:36,963
Please stop interrupting me.
And another thing.
543
00:47:37,043 --> 00:47:40,162
Why is everyone on the cast so freaking
good looking?
544
00:47:40,242 --> 00:47:43,202
I’m sitting here looking
like Chucky went to Saint Lawrence.
545
00:47:46,162 --> 00:47:48,003
Come on. No, no.
546
00:47:48,082 --> 00:47:51,242
Oh, so you’re
saying I’m beautiful?
547
00:47:51,323 --> 00:47:54,523
What are you
obsessed with me or something?
548
00:47:55,082 --> 00:48:00,122
Breaking news, local sicko Colin Jost
549
00:48:00,202 --> 00:48:04,443
caught hitting on SNL’s barely legal
new girl.
550
00:48:05,523 --> 00:48:07,082
Barely legal?
You’re like, 30.
551
00:48:07,162 --> 00:48:12,003
And another thing.
Why aren’t there any Jews on this show?
552
00:48:12,722 --> 00:48:15,762
There are a lot of
Jewish people on the show including you.
553
00:48:15,843 --> 00:48:18,403
Wow.
Okay, I’m gonna do it.
554
00:48:18,483 --> 00:48:20,483
- Don’t do it.
- I’m gonna.
555
00:48:20,923 --> 00:48:26,722
In other news, local wet blanket,
Colin Jost,
556
00:48:28,963 --> 00:48:33,762
is keeping track of the amount
of Jews at SNL.
557
00:48:33,843 --> 00:48:39,043
He’s making a list and he’s checking it
twice. More on that at 11.
558
00:48:39,803 --> 00:48:40,883
It’s way past 11.
559
00:48:40,963 --> 00:48:43,803
And another thing.
Why are you guys dressed like that?
560
00:48:43,883 --> 00:48:47,323
I mean, nice jacket, Colin. Where’d you
get that? The friggin store?
561
00:48:49,162 --> 00:48:51,043
I mean, yeah,
I got it a store. Yeah.
562
00:48:51,122 --> 00:48:53,363
She got you, man.
You suck.
563
00:48:55,523 --> 00:48:57,162
Oh. That’s such a beating.
564
00:48:57,242 --> 00:48:59,082
Thanks, Michael.
565
00:48:59,682 --> 00:49:03,202
Noted
white feminist, Michael Che,
566
00:49:03,282 --> 00:49:08,483
protects innocent Jweish girl from
gorgeous facist Colin Jost.
567
00:49:09,162 --> 00:49:11,082
Sarah
Sherman, everyone.
568
00:49:15,883 --> 00:49:20,323
A new report shows that the
fastest growing form of electronic vehicle
569
00:49:20,403 --> 00:49:23,642
is the E bike which is particularly
popular in cities.
570
00:49:23,722 --> 00:49:27,282
At this point, experts believe the only
thing that could slow these bikes down
571
00:49:27,363 --> 00:49:28,562
are car doors.
572
00:49:31,762 --> 00:49:34,963
Cambridge University in England released
the new calendar
573
00:49:35,043 --> 00:49:37,082
featuring student
athletes naked.
574
00:49:37,162 --> 00:49:39,202
Unfortunately, they’re all
from the Quidditch team.
575
00:49:44,082 --> 00:49:49,162
Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog
flavored drink called seltzer knob.
576
00:49:49,242 --> 00:49:52,843
If you want a preview of the taste,
throw up in your mouth.
577
00:49:55,242 --> 00:49:58,682
Environmentalists are warning
visitors to the Canary Islands
578
00:49:58,762 --> 00:50:02,323
that having sex on the sand dunes is
causing them to erode faster.
579
00:50:02,403 --> 00:50:04,363
Not to
mention making them super clumpy.
580
00:50:13,483 --> 00:50:16,403
In an effort to end his long standing feud
with Dwayne Johnson,
581
00:50:16,483 --> 00:50:19,202
Vin Diesel posted an
open letter on Instagram.
582
00:50:19,282 --> 00:50:22,523
Of course, for Vin Diesel
and open letter is just a “C”.
583
00:50:28,202 --> 00:50:32,682
A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is
offering people ride to nowhere
584
00:50:32,762 --> 00:50:34,403
so they can have sex in the air.
585
00:50:34,483 --> 00:50:37,443
“Oh fun,”
said a polar bear and 60 degree weather.
586
00:50:41,122 --> 00:50:42,963
These are some dark jokes, man.
587
00:50:43,043 --> 00:50:45,682
After three giraffes died...
588
00:50:49,082 --> 00:50:51,722
After three giraffes died at
the Dallas zoo in less than a month,
589
00:50:51,803 --> 00:50:54,443
officials are investigating the deaths are
connected.
590
00:50:54,523 --> 00:50:57,162
Some are beginning to suspect
that this could be the work of
591
00:50:57,242 --> 00:50:59,483
notorious
serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.
592
00:51:03,363 --> 00:51:08,483
An 83 year old man has become the oldest
person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail.
593
00:51:08,562 --> 00:51:12,162
The man dedicated the walk to his wife who
died a few miles back.
594
00:51:19,043 --> 00:51:25,202
DJ Kalid announced the new
chicken wing delivery service
595
00:51:25,282 --> 00:51:28,562
that will use jet skis to offer both side
chicken service.
596
00:51:29,082 --> 00:51:32,122
Khalad said he came up with the idea with
help from his
597
00:51:32,202 --> 00:51:34,202
longtime business partner,
cocaine.
598
00:51:38,162 --> 00:51:41,403
Recently some companies have
been using artificial intelligence for
599
00:51:41,483 --> 00:51:44,242
artistic pursuits like dance music and
painting.
600
00:51:44,323 --> 00:51:49,403
Here to comment is a robot programmed to
do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.
601
00:51:54,883 --> 00:51:59,682
Hello, hello, Colin. How are
you today? I’m doing well.
602
00:51:59,762 --> 00:52:03,883
What a lovely crowd.
This is crowd work.
603
00:52:04,403 --> 00:52:08,363
Look at this guy. Where are you from,
Colin?
604
00:52:08,923 --> 00:52:10,443
I’m from Staten Island.
605
00:52:10,523 --> 00:52:13,082
Staten Island. Processing.
606
00:52:14,403 --> 00:52:15,403
Processing.
607
00:52:17,162 --> 00:52:19,003
Staten Island sucks.
608
00:52:19,602 --> 00:52:22,762
Am I right? This was crap work.
609
00:52:23,363 --> 00:52:26,682
Wow. Yeah, very, very
impressive. That’s great.
610
00:52:27,403 --> 00:52:29,082
Now, do you
want to hear some jokes?
611
00:52:29,642 --> 00:52:30,803
Sure. Yeah.
612
00:52:30,883 --> 00:52:33,282
The difference between
black people and white people...
613
00:52:33,363 --> 00:52:37,043
Okay. Okay.
Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh.
614
00:52:37,122 --> 00:52:39,642
What about some impressions?
Impressions are fun.
615
00:52:39,722 --> 00:52:41,282
The impression. Loading.
616
00:52:43,122 --> 00:52:44,242
Loading.
617
00:52:45,363 --> 00:52:48,162
This is my impression of Instagram.
618
00:52:48,242 --> 00:52:52,963
Look at my body. Look at my face.
Look at my vacation. Look at my body.
619
00:52:54,323 --> 00:52:56,323
This was Instagram.
620
00:52:58,082 --> 00:52:59,803
It’s a pretty good impression.
621
00:53:00,202 --> 00:53:02,043
Do you like
it. Thank you so much.
622
00:53:02,602 --> 00:53:05,722
Do you have any others any
other impressions? Okay.
623
00:53:08,843 --> 00:53:10,803
- You have any other impressions?
- Yes.
624
00:53:11,562 --> 00:53:15,682
This is my impression of
Tinder. This is Tinder.
625
00:53:16,682 --> 00:53:20,682
Get out of my way. Get out of my way.
Get out of my way. Get out of my way.
626
00:53:20,762 --> 00:53:26,363
What’s up, baby? Would you like to have
sex tonight? No?
627
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:31,242
Get out of my way. Get out of my way.
Get out of my way. This was Tinder.
628
00:53:32,682 --> 00:53:35,242
Interesting.
Wow. So, you date?
629
00:53:37,363 --> 00:53:39,363
That’s a very sore subject.
630
00:53:45,843 --> 00:53:51,162
It’s very hard to date as a robot.
My last girlfriend was a GPS.
631
00:53:53,242 --> 00:53:57,483
Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to
give directions.
632
00:54:04,122 --> 00:54:08,883
Go left. Go left.
Lower. Lower. Lower.
633
00:54:09,443 --> 00:54:10,963
Recalculating.
634
00:54:12,162 --> 00:54:14,363
Destination, unreached.
635
00:54:16,523 --> 00:54:18,602
This was my lowest moment.
636
00:54:19,682 --> 00:54:24,162
Oh, man. It’s okay. You know,
you’re here and you’re doing great.
637
00:54:25,122 --> 00:54:26,843
Well, that couldn’t be worse.
638
00:54:26,923 --> 00:54:31,202
I could be living in Staten Island,
baby. Am I right?
639
00:54:31,282 --> 00:54:33,443
Laughintosh 3000, everyone.
640
00:54:35,443 --> 00:54:37,843
- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
- I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
641
00:54:45,602 --> 00:54:49,323
Well, thanks for buying the tickets
to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.
642
00:54:49,403 --> 00:54:52,363
Well, they’ve been closed for a year
for covid. I wanted to support.
643
00:54:52,443 --> 00:54:56,562
So, the headliners are Bliab and Brick.
Who are they again?
644
00:54:57,282 --> 00:55:00,003
Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway
legends ever.
645
00:55:00,082 --> 00:55:04,682
Honey. Mommy used to come to see this
review every holiday season
646
00:55:04,762 --> 00:55:07,923
when she was a little girl. It’s fun for
the whole family.
647
00:55:08,363 --> 00:55:11,003
Oh, look, it’s starting.
648
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:17,403
Brig, you son of a bitch. What the
hell are you doing in my house?
649
00:55:17,483 --> 00:55:20,562
Oh, you gave me a set of keys when
you were blacked out drunk. Blaib.
650
00:55:20,642 --> 00:55:22,003
Remember, you batty brah?
651
00:55:22,082 --> 00:55:25,923
Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me
like that, I hope you brought rubbers.
652
00:55:26,003 --> 00:55:28,162
Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.
653
00:55:31,963 --> 00:55:35,403
Are you sure this
is appropriate for kids?
654
00:55:35,963 --> 00:55:40,363
Yes. It’s a little harder than I remember.
But my parents brought me every year.
655
00:55:40,443 --> 00:55:43,122
So, don’t worry.
The songs are really cute.
656
00:55:43,202 --> 00:55:46,483
So, what are you getting
up to, Bliab, besides drugs?
657
00:55:46,562 --> 00:55:48,443
Oh, you’re the one to talk?
658
00:55:48,523 --> 00:55:50,803
Well, why talk when we can sing?
659
00:55:51,523 --> 00:55:53,323
- You go for dough
- Well, you like pills
660
00:55:53,403 --> 00:55:56,162
- Well, you love powder
- We both love powder
661
00:55:56,242 --> 00:55:59,883
Everybody today is doing drugs
662
00:56:00,963 --> 00:56:03,323
Sound go for dots, some go for weed
663
00:56:03,403 --> 00:56:05,722
- Some girls like acid
- This boy likes speed
664
00:56:06,162 --> 00:56:10,122
Everybody
today is doing drugs
665
00:56:12,122 --> 00:56:16,323
Is this whole song about drugs?
Your parents really brought you to this?
666
00:56:16,403 --> 00:56:20,642
I guess I didn’t know what it meant. It’s
fine. It’s going over her head.
667
00:56:21,282 --> 00:56:24,323
Okay, who’s that man crawling
through the window?
668
00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:30,282
Dad’s legend, Tennyson
Hartley, as I live and breathe.
669
00:56:30,363 --> 00:56:31,562
Did I miss the party?
670
00:56:31,642 --> 00:56:33,242
Why didn’t you just
talk through the door?
671
00:56:33,323 --> 00:56:34,562
Because, I’m high as a kite.
672
00:56:37,003 --> 00:56:43,682
Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town
673
00:56:43,762 --> 00:56:46,963
- And get yourself some candy
- He means nose candy
674
00:56:47,043 --> 00:56:49,523
You don’t have
the money you can get a little handy
675
00:56:50,523 --> 00:56:53,602
No. No, no, no, no. That’s
not okay. We should go.
676
00:56:54,003 --> 00:56:55,443
Well, but Tennyson is about to dance
677
00:56:55,523 --> 00:56:57,242
and that’s what he’s known for.
He’s incredible.
678
00:57:00,602 --> 00:57:03,523
You still got it, Tennyson.
679
00:57:03,602 --> 00:57:09,323
Hey, I know Christmas is still away but
why don’t we do our secret Santa early?
680
00:57:09,403 --> 00:57:11,403
Sure! I got you coke.
681
00:57:11,483 --> 00:57:12,562
I got you blunt.
682
00:57:12,642 --> 00:57:14,003
Oh, I got you too.
683
00:57:14,082 --> 00:57:15,323
And I got you snow.
684
00:57:15,403 --> 00:57:20,282
Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow
685
00:57:20,363 --> 00:57:24,323
Coke,
coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
686
00:57:25,202 --> 00:57:29,403
Some say, that there’s not better type of
high
687
00:57:29,483 --> 00:57:33,762
the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the copppers
688
00:57:33,843 --> 00:57:36,363
I might have taken poppers
I did so much LSD
689
00:57:36,443 --> 00:57:37,642
Nobody can stop her
690
00:57:37,722 --> 00:57:40,003
K is fine
T is swell
691
00:57:40,082 --> 00:57:42,562
I don’t know how qualu spell
692
00:57:42,642 --> 00:57:47,242
U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A
693
00:57:47,323 --> 00:57:52,483
I guess some more of obotune
We’ll smoke anything off a bong
694
00:57:52,562 --> 00:57:56,043
Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off
695
00:57:56,122 --> 00:57:59,923
a building and survive
everyone today is using
696
00:58:00,003 --> 00:58:02,323
Which bobbins array you choosing?
697
00:58:03,963 --> 00:58:06,803
I’m gonna do it. I’m
gonna jump off the building.
698
00:58:06,883 --> 00:58:08,762
No. Tennyson!
699
00:58:10,443 --> 00:58:16,082
Everybody
today is doing drugs.
700
00:58:22,963 --> 00:58:25,923
I am so sorry. I guess
it’s not for kids at all.
701
00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:28,122
You
okay, Sally? We can go.
702
00:58:28,202 --> 00:58:30,282
Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.
703
00:58:30,363 --> 00:58:33,003
And a theater lover
is born!
704
00:58:40,043 --> 00:58:41,122
What’s happenin world.
705
00:58:41,803 --> 00:58:45,202
We legendary rap group
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
706
00:58:45,282 --> 00:58:48,282
Back in the 90’s we changed the game by
bringing melodies to rappin.
707
00:58:48,363 --> 00:58:51,282
And now, we’re ready for the next phase of
our career.
708
00:58:51,363 --> 00:58:54,122
By bringing real ass bones to
real ass dogs.
709
00:58:54,202 --> 00:58:55,562
Down at our pet store.
710
00:58:55,642 --> 00:58:59,202
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s
Dog Bones-N-Melodies.
711
00:58:59,642 --> 00:59:04,363
Bone bone bone bone bone
Dog bone dog bone dog!
712
00:59:04,443 --> 00:59:07,403
Tell me what you gonna do
(when your dog need a bone)
713
00:59:07,483 --> 00:59:11,403
When your puppy want a bone
(when your puppy want a bone)
714
00:59:11,483 --> 00:59:14,562
What’s ya dog to do?
(when he can’t play outside?)
715
00:59:14,642 --> 00:59:17,483
We got bu-bu-bones for you
(we got the bones for you)
716
00:59:17,562 --> 00:59:20,483
We got thin bones, we got big bones.
We got itty-bitty bones.
717
00:59:20,562 --> 00:59:22,523
Some good for teeth
Just open wide
718
00:59:22,602 --> 00:59:24,242
We got anything you need
719
00:59:24,323 --> 00:59:25,963
We got chicken bones
We got vegan bones
720
00:59:26,043 --> 00:59:27,642
We got ha-ha-ha funny bones
721
00:59:27,722 --> 00:59:31,082
Step on a crack
break your mother's back bones
722
00:59:31,162 --> 00:59:32,923
We got historic bones
We talking dinosaurus bones
723
00:59:33,003 --> 00:59:35,923
Pterodcatyl, triceratops bones
T-rex T-rex
724
00:59:36,003 --> 00:59:40,403
And for the haters who think that this
business ain’t real, meet Business bone.
725
00:59:40,483 --> 00:59:42,363
He helped us out with a business Loan
726
00:59:42,443 --> 00:59:45,803
Okay, guys, the tunnel vision on bones is
killing us.
727
00:59:45,883 --> 00:59:47,242
You are hemorraging money!
728
00:59:48,363 --> 00:59:49,562
Hilarious!
729
00:59:49,642 --> 00:59:53,722
But that’s not all. When you buy
a bone, you get a free melodic serenade
730
00:59:53,803 --> 00:59:56,803
from us on the way out,
the Bone Thugs.
731
00:59:56,883 --> 00:59:59,443
Hi, just this small puppy bone please.
732
00:59:59,523 --> 01:00:01,162
Alright. Ten cents.
733
01:00:01,562 --> 01:00:03,443
Oh wow, uh. Here.
734
01:00:03,523 --> 01:00:06,323
- And now for your song.
- Oh, that’s OK.
735
01:00:06,403 --> 01:00:11,242
B-b-bone bone bone bone
Thank you for buying a bone
736
01:00:11,323 --> 01:00:14,323
It’s a really good bone
You picked a great bone
737
01:00:14,403 --> 01:00:17,602
And that’s really good dog
You picked a great dog
738
01:00:17,682 --> 01:00:22,242
Dog dog (bone bone)
B-b-b-b-bone Bone bone bone
739
01:00:22,323 --> 01:00:23,923
Phone home and get more bones
740
01:00:25,483 --> 01:00:28,043
Oh wow. Very kind. Thank you!
741
01:00:28,122 --> 01:00:30,483
Now, tell the people about your
experience here today.
742
01:00:30,562 --> 01:00:32,843
Oh... uh, sure?
743
01:00:32,923 --> 01:00:37,602
The bone I purchased was alarmingly cheap,
but it was perfect for my dog!
744
01:00:37,682 --> 01:00:40,082
The song was a little strange...
745
01:00:40,162 --> 01:00:43,003
That’s enough. We’re only using the first
part of that. Remember to edit this out.
746
01:00:43,082 --> 01:00:46,762
Buy your bones in bulk, in bulk
And have bones for a month
747
01:00:46,843 --> 01:00:50,923
If you an alleycat we got a full fishbone
Femurrr femurr
748
01:00:51,003 --> 01:00:53,602
Hi, just lookin for a small dog
harness.
749
01:00:53,682 --> 01:00:54,923
Nah. We don’t have that.
750
01:00:55,003 --> 01:00:57,202
Okay. Guess I’ll just look
around.
751
01:00:57,282 --> 01:01:00,242
Nah. Ain’t no lookin around. You
know what we got.
752
01:01:00,323 --> 01:01:05,483
We just got bone bone bone bones
And a trombone
753
01:01:05,562 --> 01:01:07,843
We got bones up in the name
754
01:01:07,923 --> 01:01:11,883
So what are you waiting for?! Head
over anytime cause we’re open...
755
01:01:11,963 --> 01:01:15,523
Everyday, everyday, everyday
756
01:01:15,602 --> 01:01:17,562
You know what? I quit.
757
01:01:17,642 --> 01:01:20,363
You sure you want to leave?
Cause you’re gonna miss everybody
758
01:01:20,443 --> 01:01:22,162
Youre gonna miss everybody
759
01:01:22,242 --> 01:01:23,642
Pretty sure I’ll be alright.
760
01:01:26,242 --> 01:01:28,682
Dog Bonez-N-Melodies by Bone
ThugsN-Harmony.
761
01:01:28,762 --> 01:01:31,282
Before you come, maybe
consider any other store.
762
01:01:31,963 --> 01:01:35,043
That dog acting up, when all
he needed was a bone
763
01:01:41,043 --> 01:01:43,403
You get what you give
764
01:01:43,483 --> 01:01:48,363
and it’s all how you use it
765
01:01:51,282 --> 01:01:57,363
Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful
rendition of God is a DJ by P.
766
01:01:58,443 --> 01:02:03,803
And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome
you to the first damn Baptist Church.
767
01:02:03,883 --> 01:02:07,003
I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife
Carolyn.
768
01:02:07,082 --> 01:02:08,963
We’re so glad to be with you
today.
769
01:02:09,043 --> 01:02:13,282
And it’s so good to see you again, sister
Corinne. You’re looking much better.
770
01:02:13,843 --> 01:02:15,523
Thank you. I had a facelift.
771
01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,762
Now, the First Lady and I have an
announcement
772
01:02:18,843 --> 01:02:21,803
because we have no secrets
in this church. Can I get an Amen?
773
01:02:21,883 --> 01:02:23,483
Amen.
774
01:02:24,043 --> 01:02:27,282
Now, we have shared 24 beautiful
years of marriage.
775
01:02:27,363 --> 01:02:31,162
And also last year.
Can I get an oh no?
776
01:02:31,242 --> 01:02:32,282
Oh, no.
777
01:02:32,363 --> 01:02:34,722
That’s right.
Till death do us part.
778
01:02:34,803 --> 01:02:36,843
And since I can’t kill this woman,
779
01:02:36,923 --> 01:02:40,523
I have decided that we are going to open
up our marriage.
780
01:02:40,602 --> 01:02:43,562
That’s right. Hallelu-we-are
open for business.
781
01:02:44,443 --> 01:02:47,642
And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk
about in front of the congregation,
782
01:02:47,722 --> 01:02:49,523
not because it’s wrong, but because
783
01:02:49,602 --> 01:02:52,843
we are only romantically interested in
some of you.
784
01:02:53,403 --> 01:02:58,122
Those people have already been
notified via perfumed invitation.
785
01:02:58,202 --> 01:03:02,963
If you did not receive an invitation. I’m
sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.
786
01:03:04,363 --> 01:03:07,403
Well, what the
hell is wrong with me?
787
01:03:08,282 --> 01:03:10,722
Harold, I’m sorry. We
just don’t see you that way.
788
01:03:11,323 --> 01:03:12,682
Well, I am shocked.
789
01:03:13,562 --> 01:03:17,003
I’m excited to maybe date
you guys. So how will this work?
790
01:03:17,082 --> 01:03:20,722
We’ll be on many apps.
For example, Tinder.
791
01:03:20,803 --> 01:03:22,003
Grindr.
792
01:03:22,082 --> 01:03:23,523
- Hinge.
- Google Earth.
793
01:03:23,602 --> 01:03:25,963
- Angie’s List.
- Coffee Meets Penis.
794
01:03:26,043 --> 01:03:30,202
And anyone can invite
us to Raya, please do.
795
01:03:31,122 --> 01:03:33,323
- Well, I’m on Raya.
- No, you’re not, Harold.
796
01:03:34,082 --> 01:03:35,043
You right.
797
01:03:36,082 --> 01:03:38,562
I have a question. Um, open
marriage? Is that what I have?
798
01:03:38,642 --> 01:03:41,483
No, George, you are
just cheating on your wife.
799
01:03:42,043 --> 01:03:43,642
Well, do you think she knows?
800
01:03:44,403 --> 01:03:45,843
Well, I do now.
801
01:03:46,642 --> 01:03:50,523
If you’re wondering where all this came
from, we were talking about our
802
01:03:50,602 --> 01:03:54,403
hall passes, and she said hers was
Barack Obama.
803
01:03:54,483 --> 01:03:58,363
Then he said his list Travis who
sings bass in the church choir.
804
01:03:58,443 --> 01:04:02,242
And she said, “You know what?
I want to change mine to Travis.”
805
01:04:03,242 --> 01:04:04,722
Wait. I’m Travis.
806
01:04:05,963 --> 01:04:10,122
Correct. It’s something about you.
You’re weird, but in a sexy way.
807
01:04:10,762 --> 01:04:12,282
Aw. Amen.
808
01:04:14,923 --> 01:04:17,363
I’m shocked. You’re also engaged
right now
809
01:04:17,443 --> 01:04:19,642
because certainly some of us are
preaching and I don’t get a
810
01:04:19,722 --> 01:04:21,803
“Yes, Pastor”,
not a “Amen, Pastor.”
811
01:04:22,602 --> 01:04:24,043
Yes, Pastor.
812
01:04:24,803 --> 01:04:27,843
Christine. Did you just
put on a bunch of lipstick?
813
01:04:28,483 --> 01:04:30,202
That depends. Do you like it?
814
01:04:30,682 --> 01:04:32,443
Now, what are y’all even doing?
815
01:04:33,443 --> 01:04:36,162
- Well, my shirt fell down.
- My shirt rolled up.
816
01:04:36,242 --> 01:04:38,162
Alright. Now, y’all
just being thirsty.
817
01:04:38,242 --> 01:04:40,162
Don’t throw it at us.
818
01:04:40,242 --> 01:04:44,082
Why don’t you go around and tell us why
you think you should be our first.
819
01:04:45,003 --> 01:04:46,883
- Alright.
- Harold, go on and sit your ass down.
820
01:04:48,323 --> 01:04:50,282
We value your friendship too much.
821
01:04:50,843 --> 01:04:53,642
I know what that means.
Friendzoned by my pastor.
822
01:04:54,963 --> 01:04:56,963
You know, actually before y’all
answer,
823
01:04:57,043 --> 01:05:02,202
why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So,
here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy.
824
01:05:02,722 --> 01:05:05,602
- Doctor-nurse.
- Girl dog-boy dog.
825
01:05:06,282 --> 01:05:08,803
Baseball manager
and umpire in a fight.
826
01:05:09,282 --> 01:05:10,883
Jenna and Hodor.
827
01:05:11,282 --> 01:05:13,523
But, do you mean Hoda?
828
01:05:13,602 --> 01:05:14,682
I sure don’t.
829
01:05:15,642 --> 01:05:17,443
Now, in terms of lovemaking.
830
01:05:18,363 --> 01:05:21,242
Positions we enjoy include
missionary.
831
01:05:21,323 --> 01:05:25,003
List is over. You have to
know we are pastors.
832
01:05:25,722 --> 01:05:29,483
You sure? Coz I’ve got
these nimble organ fingers.
833
01:05:29,562 --> 01:05:34,122
Harold, shut your ass up. You
have one job, play the organ.
834
01:05:34,602 --> 01:05:38,323
One day I’m gonna walk out that
door and you are going to miss this.
835
01:05:38,762 --> 01:05:41,923
No. Alright. Well, we got to go
ahead and wrap this up.
836
01:05:42,003 --> 01:05:45,602
We’ve got our first date with a nice lady
who works at a Chicken Fillet.
837
01:05:45,682 --> 01:05:48,122
And today
his holiday off it’s Sunday.
838
01:05:48,762 --> 01:05:50,122
Can I get my freak on?
839
01:05:50,602 --> 01:05:53,443
Freak on! Amen.
840
01:06:00,122 --> 01:06:04,642
Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks to Taylor Swift.
841
01:06:05,722 --> 01:06:07,082
Wonderful.
842
01:06:08,323 --> 01:06:09,443
And...
73084
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