All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E05.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Good evening.

I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching
Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge.

Tonight’s top story, is the president
dead? Politically, yes.

Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first,
the vaccine gets stop polls at it again.

Men jetting their sticking nickies on
Fauci ouchies,

until all of us yell “Hail Biden”.

And join there’s zombie army of the
vaxxed.

Our first guest is an American
brave enough to stand up and say,

“Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!”
Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Hello.

Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here.
Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what?
Who the hell cares?

Your body, your choice. And please, never
use that quote for any other issues.

Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my
COVID. I can give it to whoever I want.

But suddenly the woke mob is coming after
me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm

called and they’re not offering me the
Rogers spray.

And straight talk, Aaron, because I never
talk gay.

Did you ever lie about being
vaccinated?

I never lied. I took all my
teammates into a huddle,

got all their faces three inches away from
my wet mouth and told them,

“Trust me. I’m
more or less immunized.” Go team.

And you said you didn’t get the vaccine
because it might make you sterile,

which
is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Ay, look, people can talk all they want.
But at the end of the day,

my record is still 7-1.

Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected,
seven are fine.

Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the
snapple cap because he got vaxxed.

Thank you, Aaron.

My next guest, turned Virginia as red as
my face gets when I talk about nearly

any subject, please welcome governor elect
Glenn Youngkin.

Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me.

My win in Virginia proves that people are
deeply concerned about education.

And who are
most of your voters?

People who
didn’t go to college.

Excellent. Now, critical race theory is
something that you talked about a lot.

What is critical race theory?

Simple. It’s
what got me elected.

Right. But what is it?

It’s not important.

What’s important is parents. Everyone
knows they should run schools.

That’s why I invited the leader of my
parental task force

to share her recommendations on dangerous
material that should be banned.

Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a
huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what
are your feelings on education?

When my son brought home
the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison,

I put down my copy of “50 Shades” and
said, “No!”

A woman named Tony? Not my America.

So, a group of parents and I put together
our list of books that should never

be allowed in the classroom.

“Holes” sounds sexual.

“Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine.
But Pride is a term that has been coopted

by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga
themed nudity parade.

“Invisible man” What’s he doing?
Where is he?

Can he you see me in my home? Or what I
Google?

“The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz.

“Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is
dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Get him to Sea World stat.

Yeah. See, I’m so grateful
that parents like Helen

who helped me win in Virginia without the
help of Donald Trump.

Well, funny you should
mention it. Because he’s been watching

and he just asked us to join us.

Former and basically current president of
the United States, Donald Trump.

Thank you. Thank you so
much. Yes.

I just wanted to congratulate
Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself

on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You
know what? We did it together.

Oh, you
don’t have to say that.

Mr. President, what an unexpected and
frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s
great to be frankly winning again.

We love to win it. You know what? You’ll
get to see a lot more winning

where that came from. Let me tell you.
You’re gonna see it a lot.

Oh, you’re gonna
take me off the split screen.

No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it
so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Really, that’s okay.

Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me.
Excuse me.

Everybody comes to listen it. You know
what? Like you just saw it, I listened.

I mean, when you look at it, he’s
someone that takes advice so well.

I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds
on the clock please?

Because theres a lot
of times when I was giving advice.

Lot of times, I was giving advice and
people weren’t listening

and it didn’t work out so great for some
of those people.

I mean, when you look back with StarWars,
I said, “You ned to do it with swords.

The lasers are not enough. You got enough
real swords, George.” I remember talking.

I said this to George. I said, “If you’re
gonna do StarWars, okay,

you have to have real swords.” And look at
what they’re doing with Dune.

Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I
talked to Denis Villeneuve.

I said, You know what? Look at the success
of Dune. Look at Chalamet,

look at all of it, okay? Real swords.

Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and
everyone’s doing flips

and it’s very “Game of Thrones”.

And people were very disappointed with
“Game of Thrones”,

you know, how it ended and everything.

But with Dune, I think you got a lot of
possibility with Dune.

I see a lot of possibility. Two, three,
four, 15 movies.

And frankly, I see a lot
of possibility with Virginia.

God, you are impressive.
How do you keep that all in your brain?

Well, I had my ears sealed,
so nothing comes in or out.

And now, Mr. President, you never actually
campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Well, no. I never did...
Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare.

Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn.
You need to hear this.

You know, I was never there there with
Glenn. You know, there there.

I was never there there. But I told lots
of people they should vote for Glenn.

And you know what? Most people don’t like
Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay?

Most people don’t like him but he’s a
wonderful guy. Okay?

Tall, rich, like my sons.
Glenn, you’re like my son.

Please don’t say that.

Well, you know what?

Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC
folks, oh my God. They don’t like him.

They don’t like him at all. You know what?
Can I get 60 more seconds please?

These PC folks, they don’t like
everything.

These PC folks you can’t
please them at all.

They don’t even like
Chris Pratt as Mario.

And you know what? I’m very close with
Mario, very close with Luigi.

Our wives play golf together. They play
Mario golf together.

And Peach is a very close friend of mine.
Peach is added on but Peach is so great.

And with the Toads by the way, I do great
with the Toads. I do great.

You know, the mushroom people? The Toad
people?

A lot of em’ came out in the last
election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt.

Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is
gonna do a lot better

than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you
that, it’s a lot better than Eternals.

You know what? With Eternals, it
was too diverse.

It was too diverse and no
one wants to see that.

The movie is rotten. Just ask the
tomatoes.

Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And
you can’t even get tomatoes anymore

because of this awful shipping nightmare
that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden.

And you know what? This is true. Glenn,
excuse me. Glenn, excuse me.

This is true. You know what? Guy came up
to me the other day.

Big guy, bigger than
anything. Tears in his eyes,

and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa
Claus and Christmas is cancelled.

Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said,
“We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.”

And that’s why I asked him to give
Virginia to Glenn Youngkin.

I asked him to do that. We did it. We did
it together because it’s a great country.

Santa did it because he loves America, and
he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a
patriot, one handsome mountain of a man.

And live from New York, it’s Saturday
Night.

And your host, Kieran Culkin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kieran Culkin .

Wow. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

I’m so happy to be here
right now. I’m Kieran Culkin.

For the past few years, I’ve been working
on a show called Succession.

I play Roman Roy. He’s one of the nicer
characters on the show

which still makes him one of the top 10
worst humans on TV.

This thing happens.
Sometimes people will be like,

“You know, that part really suits you.”
Which isn’t really a compliment.

It’s sort of like going up to someone and
saying,

“You know what role will fit you
like a glove? Giuliani.”

But it’s been a big year.

My wife and I just welcomed our second
child in August.

I love being dad. It’s great. And I got
asked to host Saturday Night Live.

Which has always been, it’s just been a
dream of mine.

And I gotta say, my wife
has been really supportive and just

wonderful throughout the process but I
have this feeling that

she’s been terrified for me.

Just very nervous and I think she thinks
I’m gonna mess up or something,

but Jazz, I don’t know where you are,
there you are.

I just want to assure you that everything
is going to be fine because

it doesn’t matter even if I do mess up and
“Shame the family”.

Thank you. We’re gonna be great. I
actually don’t think that’s gonna happen.

That’s really not gonna happen tonight

because this isn’t my first time being
here.

I have been on this very stage. I was on
an episode of SNL back when

my brother Mac hosted 30 years ago.

Almost to the day. I was nine years old. I
got to be in three sketches.

Two of which are non problematic.
That’s good.

And at the end of the show, I got to be on
the stage for the goodnights

and I think we have a clip.
Can we show it?

So, there’s my brother. And the cast is
lifting him up on their shoulders.

And there boom. There I am.

Clearly jealous.

My brother’s up there.
He’s got his arms up all like victorious

and I’m down there on the ground like,
“Me, I want uppies”.

So, check out what I do next.
I ask Kevin Nilen to pick me up.

And he goes, “Yeah, okay, sure.”

Just got handed out to the cameras.

I don’t know what that was. Like, De Niro
impression? I don’t know.

Anyway, I wanted to show you that clip for
two reasons.

One in the hopes that someone
from the cast will pick me up again

at the end of the show.

And two, because I have waited 30 years to
be back on this stage and say...

We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Ed Sheerran is here. Stick around, we’ll
be right back.

Yes, hello.

This is a callback request from Spectrum
cable. Please hold for a representative.

Hi there. This is Mateus with
Spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi. And what can I help
you with today, Mr. Herman?

I just need
to cancel my cable.

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.

Before we begin, would you like to add a
telephone landline

to your current package for 12.99 a month?

No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the
cable.

I tried to do it online.
But they said I had to call.

Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask
the reason for the cancellation?

My girlfriend and
I broke up and I’m moving out.

Oh, no. I’m so sorry your
relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman.

Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the
breakup?

No, that’s personal.

Of course, Mr. Herman.

Please write down this reference number in
case we get disconnected.

- Do you have a pen and paper handy?
- No, not really.

Wonderful, Mr. Herman.

The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five,

G as in 5G, six as in six boys.
Thank you.

Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Your call is important to us and will be
answered in the order that we feel like.

Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes,
can you tell me the 42 digit customer

pin number that came on your first bill?

My first bill? The one I got
six years ago? I don’t have that.

Oh, not a problem. We can use one
of your security questions.

What city did
your mom lose her virginity in?

That’s disgusting.
I don’t want to talk about that.

Well and that is what you answered.
Okay. Alright, so when is a good time

for a Spectrum technician to come install
your new landline?

Never I don’t want a landline.
I just want to cancel my cable.

Of course. I’ll transfer you to
cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Wi Fi trouble? Try
unplugging your router and spitting in it.

This is Donna with Spectrum.

Just to confirm it says here

you’re looking to pay more money for less
channels?

No. Why would I want that?

I’m not sure sir. That’s why I
asked. How dare I, right?

Pissing me off.
Hold please.

Due to higher than normal call volume,
your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

Oh my God!

Yeah, hello.

Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with
Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Honestly not
great. How are you?

I’m not great either, actually.

My life is
pretty much falling apart and...

I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for
choosing Spectrum.

Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you
covered with the selection

of sex and
nudity free movies on demand.

No Nut November?

Ay, what colors do house man?

I’m sorry.

Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech.

I’m on your street to install your
landline and I can’t find your house.

No, I don’t know how this landline thing
got started but I do not want one.

Oh no, no, it’s too late to change
your mind, man. It’s too late.

Like basketball, our game day sports
upgrade gets you the NBA network

and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and
I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Not good, you know. I’m
very close to being triggered.

Very cool.

Let me pull up your
account. The heck?

It’s like my computer’s
being crazy right now.

Let me just connect you to someone else.
Sorry about that.

Domino’s Pizza. Interested in
trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Domino’s? Are you kidding
me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this
all the time.

I’ll transfer you to a
cancellations rep.

Oh God, thank you.

You’ve honestly been the most competent
person I’ve talked to you today.

That’s crazy because
I’m high as hell.

One premium channels without
premium prices, not gonna happen.

We’d lose a ton of money.

Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Oh my God, Marcy. We
both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

We’re so crazy.

- Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.
- Me too.

Don’t both hop off. No.

Hold please.

Have a question about your bill? Ask your
husband to explain it to you.

Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay?
And guess what? It happened. Okay?

I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m
triggered.

The next person that you transfer me to
better have the power to cancel my cable.

Are you sure, sir?

Yes, 1000% yes.

Very well. I’ll transfer you.

Yes. Hi, who is this?

I am Spectrum,

the source,
the Nexus, the provider.

Okay, can
you cancel my cable?

There is nothing I cannot do.
For I am made of pure data.

Great, then cancel my cable.

Can I insist you in six
months of free Disney plus?

No, just cancel it.

As you wish. Enjoy
your new spectrum landline.

No. I’m not
getting a landline.

Yes, you are, man. Where do you
want me to put the landline?

What the―?

Sleep tight, old man.

- I’m in.
- And we’re in business.

I’m gonna work on getting those security
doors open for you.

Shouldn’t be long now,
boss.

Fantastic. I’ll let
the client know.

- They’re in.
- Impressive, Mr. Knight.

But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside
underground garage.

He pay you to steal billionaires vintage
Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Ghost, you
got eyes on the prize?

Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Okay, Ghost, just bought you two
minutes to get out of there.

You’re
welcome by the way.

Two minutes? I’m counting money
in one. Let’s do this.

- Everything all right, Ghost?
- Yeah. Yeah.

This car like this is just like beautiful
ladies. You just gotta know how to handle.

What the hell?

Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

What’s going on, Ghost?

This car got an advanced driver
system I’ve never seen before.

I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter
that goes up, down and sideways.

This must be some new, new tech. I’m
thinking military maybe.

Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

A stick what?

Stick shift.

Ghost,
you can drive stick, right?

Bitch, I can drive anything,

Including stick?

Nah.

Ghost, I’ll walk you through this.
Anything you don’t get,

- you say stop.
- Cool.

- Turn the car on and press the clutch.
- Stop.

You say clock?

That boy said clock.

Shut up, old man.

- Put the car in gear.
- Stop.

No. We don’t have time. Now,
press the clutch with your left foot,

put it in gear, then press the gas with
your right foot.

Stop. You want me to drive with two feet?
Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Flinstein?

Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

60 seconds.

Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s
Natalia.

- I help, so listen. Yes?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Left foot clutch, right foot gas.
- Done, baby girl.

- Press clutch, put in gear.
- No.

- Then take foot off clutch.
- Copy.

- And give gas.
- Impossible.

- Then drag, it’s clear?
- Nah. But let’s do this.

You’re gonna have to go a lot
faster than that, Ghost.

Good thing this baby
has nitrous boosters.

That’s the trunk.

Get out of there right now,
Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Don’t you know?
You can’t kill a ghost.

He ain’t gonna make it.

Ay, boss. We got a problem.

She’s an iconic singer and
she’s always got a zinger.

It’s the
Dionne Warwick talk show.

Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne
Warwick talk show.

A show where I host and
other people come here.

And then they leave and so do I.

Thanks as always to my producer and my
niece Brittany.

Love you aunt Dionne.

Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s
show with a special announcement.

I have some very personal news to share
with all of you.

Raindrops
Keep falling on my head.

But that doesn’t mean my eyes
will soon be turning red

Alright. Thank you. Thank you.

Please welcome
our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Yeah, alright. Yeah.

You recently post topless for a magazine
cover.

That’s why I’d like to give you
this Hussey award I made.

You are Hussey of the month.

Oh, number one, Hussey.
Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Alright. You just did a
duet with Elton John.

So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people.

My question is, does he not have my
number?

Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam,

but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan
of yours.

Oh, thank you. So am I.

So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a
singer or a Pokemon?

Yeah, she’s a singer.

Alright. Well, Cardi B.

Why does she need the B? Was there another
Cardi in the class?

You know, these
aren’t really about me.

Sure. All right. Okay.
I’ll try.

Yeah, I understand that Hannah
Montana is your nemesis.

My nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a
pact to kick their asses.

You know, Hannah
Montana isn’t real.

Alright, well, neither is
Wendy Williams.

Alright, Miley Circus.
I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

All right. Now,
for our important public health segment.

We have a doctor here to give me my
coronavirus booster live on air.

Please welcome
Dr. Nathan Ola.

- Keep smiling...
- Hi, Ms. Warwick.

- Keep shining. Only you can...
- Which arm do you...

Always count on me...

Alright let’s get that sleeve up and
we’ll...

- For sure...
- Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

That’s what friends are
for... Alright.

I didn’t feel a thing.

Now, for our next guest. This man is not
famous anymore.

He does not have any songs out.
Please welcome Jason Mraz.

Kind of a rough intro but
yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you
are about to go back on tour.

My question is Rihanna. When she gonna
drop the album?

She too busy making
panties or something?

I’m not sure
how to answer that.

Well, Kanye change his
name to Ye.

Is that after the sound
people make when he leaves the room?

I’m sorry, can you
ask me questions about me?

Fine. Okay, what’s with
the hat?

If I took it off when I see your
brain?

Okay, I’m gonna
go. Thank you so much.

Alright.

Let’s bring
out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

Hi, Ms. Warwick.
I’m really glad to be here.

Of course, you are. Now you did a song
called South of the Border.

My question is
are you nasty?

Yes. A little bit.

Oh, good. Cuz I think
that’s healthy.

Alright. You’re writing a
song for the next season of Ted Lasso.

What I’d like to know is what is Apple TV
and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Is that the best
question for me to answer?

I don’t know. Shoot. All
right.

Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards
is Dionne Warwick?

I don’t think it is.

I read that Elton John
calls you every morning.

Why would he talk to you and not me?
Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Well, I mean, me and Elton
are doing Christmas song together.

Okay. All right. Well,
apparently you and everyone else.

Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you
can go. Go on and go.

Next up, I just want everybody to know
I’ve learned my lesson

that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for
me.

So, I’ve invited a different man who I
feel I’d be more comfortable with.

Please
welcome Post Malone.

- Hi, Ms. Warwick.
- No! No! No!

Oh my God, it is worse. Get him out.
You go. You gotta go.

Oh my God. Much better. Much better.

Brittany put that man in a cab back to
Spooky Town, USA.

I’m on it.

Alright, you know what, I’m tired of
interviewing people who are not icons.

Please welcome me.

Alright.

Well, well. Hello.

Hi, darling. I’m so
excited for you that I’m here.

Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask
you something. Why are you perfect?

Darling, I’m not
perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an
artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again.

Why aren’t people just caught Burt
Bacharach anymore?

You know, that is an excellent question
and I don’t know the answer,

but I will
keep tweeting until I find out.

You know, why does it say
you were booked to headline Doge Palooza,

a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is
what is that?

How does it work? Why would
you do it? And can I come?

Well to answer your questions,
I don’t know. I don’t know.

Because they paid me. And yes.

Okay, Dionne. Would you
like to sing a song for the people?

- Do they deserve it?
- They do.

Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic?
Alright.

What the world is now

Is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing

That there’s just too little love

Yeah, works fine. Thinks knows my
coworkers better though.

Hey, I gotta go. I just
walked into the bathroom.

I don’t know why
I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

Oh, there he is.

Hey. We gotta stop
meeting like this.

I say, man. Third time this week.
What is this? Your new office?

Oh, you know what I always say,
boss man does the boss man does.

I’ve never said that in my life.

Why am I saying that?
I’m not the boss.

So, why did I laugh?
Why did he laugh?

Why are we not ourselves
when we’re in the men’s room?

Everyone
just panics and blurt something out.

Well, I’m empty.
See you later, my guy.

Keep on trucking, my dude.

Oh, love to party in here.

Ay, Frankie in the
building. What’s up?

Yeah, baby. Got any
fun plans this weekend?

Oh, a couple days away from
you. I’ll take it.

That was mean as hell.

I really like that guy, man.
And why am I talking so loud?

In the men’s room my voice gets weird and
I shout things like football is crazy.

My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the
urinal right next to him?

Our arm’s skin
is touching.

- Alright, man. See you on ice.
- Well, you too.

See you on ice? We work
at a pension fund.

Is that even an expression?
I don’t know who I am in here.

I’ve been standing here
for so long.

None of the automatic sinks work.
My hands are covered in soap.

I’m standing at a urinal but I only came
in here to avoid working.

Now, I feel like
I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee.

Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in
there to fake it.

Hey, sounds like your streams
coming along really well over there.

Why am I commenting on
his pee and calling it a stream?

Hey, what’s up my dudes?

Hey!

So, anyone got big
plans for the summertime?

Not yet.

Why would they?
It’s November.

We’re months away from the
summertime.

New guy. Did anything fun last
weekend?

- I’m sorry. Who? Me?
- Yeah.

Sorry. what did you say?

I just asked you if you did
anything fun last weekend?

Oh, yeah, sure. Umm... Umm...

I’m taking way too long to answer.
I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything
today. So, yeah.

What’s up?

Nothing sorry. Anyway,
these sinks working for you?

No! But football is crazy.

Crazy.

Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber
party in here?

Zagging your chains guys.

And you see the new receptionist.
She’s got legs for days.

I killed a man in 2012.

I didn’t even do a good job hiding the
body but I still got away with it.

Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry
is worse than any cell.

But in here, I forget who I am and what
I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Don’t you guys love it in here?

No one go in there.

Trust me, no one go in there. I had
some pork meat last night

and I dropped a bomb.

And this dude
killed my brother.

What do you think, Doc? Can he ride?

Ride a horse? I’m afraid not, son. This
man’s leg is broken in six places.

Wonderful!

Where am I going to find another jockey
ten minutes before the Kentucky Derby?

I think I might know someone, Sir.

Who?

Someone great.

And they’re off!

Where is he??

Believe me, Sir. You’ll know him
when you see him.

What the heck...?

Yep, that’s me, riding a horse
like a skateboard.

You’re probably wondering how I wound up
here. Well, it’s kind of a crazy story.

And it goes a little something like
this...

So there I was
Doing skate tricks at the park

Then I jumped with too much force
And I landed on a horse

Great Scott!

If I leaned right or left
He’d follow my every move

And if I wanted him to go faster
I’d just give him a bag of chips

We were running - really - haaard
Through my neighbor’s backyard

Not my azaleas!!!

He could do an ollie
And a backside 180, too

And if I asked him nicely
He’d do a kiiick flip

This guy is crazy!

Then we went to a track
And we won our very first race

But afterwards he didn’t stop
So we toured the United States

I hold - on - to - his - tail
When we grind on a rail

This is our last race
I can’t believe that this is the end

Next week I gotta go to college
And they say I can’t bring my friend

It’s gonna be lonely
I don’t know what I’m gonna do

I hope that when I’m gone
They don’t turn him into glue.

Hey, I think I'm...

Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
That’s how I won The Kentucky Derby.

Wouldn’t you know it, they even made a
video game about my life.

“Toby Bird, Pro Jockey.”

Not bad for a guy that died later that
day. Not bad at all.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed Sheeran.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Our top story of the night like it’s been
for as long as I can remember,

infrastructure.

Last night, the house passed president
Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill,

which should be enough to clean as many as
two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms.

The infrastructure bill will also expand
internet access across the US which is

great news because when has more internet
ever been bad for America?

Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost
to republican Glenn Youngkin

in Virginia’s governor’s race.

But on the bright side, losers from
Virginia usually get a statue.

Political experts say that the republican
victory in Virginia’s governor’s race

was fuel by support from white women who
didn’t go to college.

Which just so happens to be the same exact
group I target on Tinder.

In a wake of republican
success in this week’s election,

house minority leader Kevin McCarthy
announced that republicans would introduce

a parents bill of rights.

Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you
can buy at Home Goods.

Pfizer announced that it has
developed an anti-viral pill

that can reduce hospitalization among
COVID patients by nearly 90%.

And even better, it makes you harder than
trigonometry.

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate
president lost his reelection bid

in an upset to a truck driver named Edward
Durr.

Coincidentally, Durr is also
the New Jersey state motto.

With his victory, Eric Adams
will become New York’s second black mayor.

Not to be confused with the New York mayor
who blacks out.

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who
will now return to his previous job

as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

Republican Winsome Sears
seen here attempting suicide by cop

was elected...

was elected as Virginia’s first black

Well, this is actually a win for democrats
because nothing will get republicans

to support gun control faster than this
picture.

Former president Trump was filmed doing
the 'Tomohawk Chop'

at a World Series
game in Atlanta.

Native American groups said they found it
extremely offensive to see

their culture associated with someone who
can't even run a successful casiono.

Last week...

Last week Ice Cube left the
upcoming film, “Oh Hell No”

after he declined to get the COVID
vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

Sup, Michael? You know what I’m
saying?

I’m going through a gangster
lumberjack fakes.

Yeah. I can tell. So, why
won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Hey, look man, I just rather be
myself

then take that vaccine like you
other 3 billion bozos.

Yeah, but that’s
why you lost this movie.

Not my loss. Your loss.

“Oh Hell No” was going to feature the
greatest comedy duo of all time.

IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry
crack off, man. You know what I’m saying?

Tried to get a catchphrase though.

- Oh, hell no?
- That’s actually correct.

But because it is crazy vaccine mandate,
y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Unless they replace you.

Oh, hell nah, man.
Who can replace Ice Cube?

- I don’t know. Terry Crews?
- Good choice.

- Michael B. Jordan.
- Makes even more sense.

Hey, the point is

this mandate is costing
the world my art.

I had a bunch of other projects packed
into pipe. Check it out, bozo.

If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”,
you would love the sequel,

“Barbershop 4,
Just A Little Off The Sides”.

But now we can’t make it.

Also we don’t make a prequel to the
original Friday movie.

You’ll never guess
what it was called?

- Thursday?
- That’s correct again.

I was also gonna start a new M. Night
Shyamalan movie called

“Uh Oh, Twist Comin”.

The twist is there ain’t no twist.

Everybody went home and the day
was a good day.

Cube, if you want to make these movies so
bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

The better question is,

why won’t y’all let me make my favorite
project?

Featuring the greatest dramatic
duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep?

Eating octopus and traits and all over
Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”.

Both of us rockin white linen pants suits,
no drawers.

No Drawers? How
many movies were you making?

Enough! That’s just the tip of
the bird, bozo.

And on top of all of that, now I got to
run my Big 3 basketball league from home.

Right. That’s the league
you created for retired players.

Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to
the games.

It’s not the same if you not court side,
hearing them knees creek

and them backs crack.

I mean, where else could you watch a bunch
of ballers on the wrong side of 40

play unlikely competitive game or 303?

At any YMCA?

Indeed, you could.
Indeed, you could.

Cube, just answer the
question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about
my private medical decisions.

- So, you’re afraid of needles, huh?
- Hell, yeah. They scare me.

- Ice Cube, everyone.
- Hei, Aron Rodgers, come to the writers.

A high school principal has
apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct

of the school’s football team after they
beat another team 106-0.

Apology accepted,
said the Jets.

It was reported that mothers in California
are trying to pass on COVID vaccine

antibodies to their children by making
them smoothies with their breast milk.

Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m
escorted out of Jamba Juice.

Smith College has become the first woman’s
college to eliminate student debt

by replacing loans with grants because a
lady should never have to pay.

At an 81 year old pharmacist
and ennsylvania was arrested for allegedly

trading drugs for sexual favors.
Wow. So, he’s a pharmacist now.

The International handball federation’s
agreed to allow female players to wear

bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms.

But they’re still insisting that refs use
this whistle.

More than 30,000 people were locked inside
Shanghai Disneyland

after one visitor tested positive for
COVID.

So, let this be a lesson all you
kids out there.

If you aren’t more careful about COVID,
you’ll end up living at Disney World.

National Impotency Awareness
Month began on Monday.

And I for one
thought it’d never come.

A Tiktok went viral of a squirrel that
appeared to be holding hands with a woman.

See? It’s like Che always says,
“Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok
claiming that the rumor is true,

the size of a person’s nose has a direct
connection to the size of his penis.

Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

The Supreme Court heard arguments this
week in Women’s Whole Health v. Texas

about the controversial Texas law that
essentially bans all abortions

after just six weeks. Here to cheer us
up... Well, this can’t be right,

Goober, the clown who had an
abortion when she was 23.

Hey, hey.
I’m Goober the clown.

So Goober, you had an
abortion when you were 23?

Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown
around. Hey, smell this flower.

- You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?
- Oh, I would never.

- Oh, okay!
- Oh, gotcha.

I had an abortion the day before
my 23rd birthday.

Okay. It seems like you do
want to talk about your abortion.

Well, actually, I really don’t.
But people keep bringing it up.

So, I gotta keep talking about freaking
abortion. But it’s a rough subject,

so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make
it more palatable.

Hey, who wants some balloon
animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

- You don’t have to do this, Cecily.
- Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober.

And I wish I didn’t have to do
this because the abortion I had at 23

is my personal clown business.

But that’s all some people in this country
want to discuss all the time.

Even though cloud abortion was legalized
in Clown V. Wade in 1973. Here.

Can you stop saying clown
abortion?

- And what is this?
- It’s a worm. I don’t know.

Hey, did you know 1 in 3 clowns will have
a clown abortion in their lifetime?

You don’t because they don’t tell you.

They don’t even know how to talk to other
clowns about it.

Because when they do talk about it, if you
were a clown who wasn’t the victim

of something sad like clown says, they
think your clown abortion

wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean
what the dick is that?

I don’t think you
can say that word on the show.

- What? Abortion?
- Well, I guess kind of.

You know it’s funny, Colin. We’re having
fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

- No.
- Laugh. I need it.

I need you to laugh so hard like the way I
laughed when the doctor asked

if I got pregnant on the way over to the
clinic because I wasn’t very far along.

And that is one of my favorite jokes to
this day. I love that joke.

It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny
haha joke.

But like a funny you’re not an awful
person and your life isn’t over now joke.

The best kind. A honka honka!

- Good horn.
- Killer horn.

I’m not a clown.
And in the waiting room,

they had a little guestbook where all the
clowns could write the clown abortion

story for the next clown to read it so she
wouldn’t feel so alone.

And then years later you’ll be at a dinner
with a big group of clowns,

one clown will go out on a limb and say
she’s had an abortion

and then like eight other clowns at the
table say they’ve had an abortion too

because that’s how common it is.

And then everyone’s excited and relieved
we talking about it.

But it’s like, “We kept this secret for so
long

despite being so grateful it
happened.” Honka honka!

So, wait. Are clowns women?

Excuse me? Wow. Okay,
Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

That’s not what I said.

Let me do some helium.
Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth.

I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here
today if it weren’t for the abortion

I had the day before my 23rd birthday.

Clowns have been helping each other
in their pregnancy since the caves.

It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe,
legal and accessible.

We will not go back to the alley.

I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch
of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Goober the clown, everyone.

Y’all better
disable comments in this one.

- For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
- I'm Michael Che, goodnight.

You’re watching
Wake up Rhode Island.

Good morning, folks.
Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Coming up, we’ll hear from
Beth Bennington who is

down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle
Scout on an important mission.

That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter.

And Todd, tell us what we’re
doing down here.

Well, myself and these boy scouts

will be picking up trash at the beach all
day, right guys?

Yeah.

That’s wonderful. Can’t
wait to hear more about that.

Me too. But first, let’s take a look at
the weather with Riley Cole.

Hey, guys.

Oh my goodness,
Riley. What are you wearing?

Um, who’s Riley?
I’m Turkey Tom.

Oh. Turkey Tom, he says.
Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

And why is Turkey Tom
honoring us with his presence today?

Well, because today was the first day that
the thermometer dropped below 40.

And you know what that means?
Time for a fall rap.

Oh boy. Here we go.

The leaves
are turning all around

and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the...

This is a Rhode Island weather alert.
A severe storm is approaching.

Evacuation orders are in place for flood
zones one through four.

Take only what is necessary.
Leave all pets behind.

Life threatening winds and flooding
expected.

May God have mercy on your
souls.

Okay, folks. So, obviously
we have a severe weather situation.

Riley, how did we not see this storm
coming?

Well, I was working on the rap all last
night. The costume and lyrics,

that kind of thing. So, I am a little
behind on my weather reports. So, my bad.

But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a
big one.

I should have caught it.
I apologize for that.

Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial

so you can change into something more
appropriate?

Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the
Doppler says the landfall

could be any minute now.
So, let’s take a look at the radar here.

Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter
that I have ever seen. Let’s see.

This is a large fast moving storm.

Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the
rap.

There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate
November because the Thanksgiving.

Ha-ha. Yeah,
you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

But anyway, you can see behind
the turkeys here.

The winds are now reaching...
Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

- Riley?
- Oh, that is very dangerous.

- Riley?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Take the
turkey off your head.

Katie, let’s be
reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom―

Don’g call him that.

Katie, please. Turkey Tom,

could we be looking at structural damage
from these winds?

More than damage, I think some
areas could be completely flattened.

We should expect
many, many casualties.

Just take
the turkey hat off.

Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to
Beth Bennington on Cohassett Beach.

- Beth, any sign of the storm down there?
- Yes.

Oh, wow. Beth
where are the boy scouts?

The sea took them.

Oh my God. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you
still have the turkey headpiece on?

I do. Yes.

I decided to keep it on in case you want
to hear the rest of the rap after.

- We don’t.
- Boo!

No, that’s fair. I’m sorry,
I look like this.

I’m also very sorry that
I missed the storm.

- Hey, that’s not on you.
- Yes, it absolutely is.

Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can
change.

Keep it here for more as this
dangerous storm develops.

And later we’ll hear from a local boy
scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Once again, Ed Sheeran.

I’m sorry you and Angie broke up

but are you gonna sit here sulking or are
you going to call her?

- I’m not calling her guys.
- Why not?

Because if I was her, I wouldn’t
take me back either.

I was really a jerk to her.

I was selfish and I was too afraid to be
vulnerable and lost her.

John, that was beautiful.
Just tell her that.

Yeah, man. She would really
appreciate hearing that.

Just give her a call buddy.
Tell her what she told us.

- Hello.
- Hey, Ange.

It’s me. Yeah, it’s John.

Fuck you.

- What?
- Fuck you.

- No! Why are you saying that?
- Stop.

What am I doing, dude?
I’m freaking out.

- Say what you said earlier.
- Say something else.

The being vulnerable thing.

- Go fuck yourself.
- Oh, no.

I never liked
you in the first place, girly.

- What did she say?
- You got to bail me out.

- You want me to talk to her?
- Bail me out.

Talk to her. Talk to her.
Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t
know what’s gonna... Fuck you.

No! Oh my God.

- Fuck you, loser.
- No!

- Am I doing it too?
- Yes.

I hate all of what you’re
working with. What is going on?

Get off the phone.

Angie, I don’t know what’s going
on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

- Come on, man!
- It’s my ex girlfriend.

Give me the phone.
Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Oh, dude. It’s on mute.
Fuck you, bitch.

Why are we so off today?

Ange?

- She hung up on me.
- Are you serious?

- Very mature.
- Blew it again with the love of my life.

Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too
by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Just like I blew Stevie. Every time
we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.”

She did not like that.

But Angie wasn’t like your ugly
girlfriends.

She was just warm as a summer
night. As sweet as the song.

She was...
Oh my God, she’s on her way up.

You mother[bleep].

Angie.

No, no, no.
Angie!

Thanks to Ed Sheeran, Tracy Morgan,
Dionne Warwick,

a special thanks to my brother Mac for
letting me share the stage

with him 30 years ago.

The cast, the crew, everyone.

I love you. This is amazing!
I love you!