All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E04.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Track03

Send in my Press
Secretary, Jin Psaki.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Jin, I gotta tell you, you were
dynamite in those press briefings

with your quips and your one liners.
What do you call those little zingers?

Um, facts. Though I believe
the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Yeah. Love that. Lay
some of those facts on me.

Okay. Your CNN Town Hall was
watched by no one.

And your approval
rating is in the dumpster.

Ice cold Psaki bomb.

But ay, things
are gonna turn around, right?

I’m bad at lying,
so I’m gonna leave.

I don’t understand. People used
to like me.

The press would call me uncle
Joe. I miss the old me.

Where the hell
did that guy go?

Hey, yo!

Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my
feet. Nah, I’m just joking.

How the hell
are you, buddy?

Wait a second. Who are you?

Who am I? What do you
mean? I’m you!

I’m you from eight years
ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past.

How can you be me? You seem so
happy. So carefree.

- So... What’s the word I’m looking for?
- Lucid?

Yeah.

Yeah, partner. Well, where
I’m from, we’re still VP.

Easiest gig in the world. We’re like,
America’s wacky neighbor.

Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some
aviator shades and finger guns.

Shake a
few hands, rub a few shoulders.

You know, well,
you can’t do that anymore.

What? Which one? Rubbing
shoulders or shaking hands?

Apparently both.

Ah! Come on, man! Loosen
up, buddy. Come on.

What happened to us? We used to be fun,
right? Hey, let me get a whiff.

Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I
like that. Do you like that?

Yeah, I do.

Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but
you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

It’s hard to smile. The
last president ruined everything.

Oh yeah?

He hung out with pornstars,
served McDonald’s to the White House,

got into fight with the Pope.

Hillary got awesome.

Actually...

- What?
- Well, never mind.

Okay. Alright.

Look. I could really use your advice. I’m
trying to pass this infrastructure bill

but it’s being held up by these two
senators. Joe Mansion.

Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I
care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah!

That’s classic 2k13 Biden right
there, baby.

Even worse than him,
senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Wait. Senator Sinema? That
sounds like a StarWars character.

That’s a real person?

How’s days, fellas? Just

- Who the hell are you?
- I’m Joe Biden.

From when?

March 2021.

You guys good? Need anything?

- Um, we’re okay.
- Yeah, we’re good, man.

- Alright. Rock on.
- Yeah. Alright.

Good looking guy.

Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as
hell. Yeah.

You know, I should probably
just mosey on back to 2013.

I actually got tickets to a PSY concert.
Oppa Gangnam Style!

That song’s still
popular, right?

Come on, don’t leave.

- What?
- I can’t do this without you.

Yeah, of course you can.
Because guess what, buddy. You are me.

And I want you to stand tall.

I want you to flash those 100% natural
choppers we got.

And remember, we my be
from different eras.

But at the end of the
day, we’re both...

Joe freaking Biden! And live from New
York, it’s Saturday night.

Thank you! Thank you. Thank you
very much.

It is great to be
back here at Saturday Night Live.

And it is even greater to be hosting the
show for my first and very last time.

For those of you who don't know, I've
worked here at SNL for 10 years

and as an actor's dozen, we say.

It's so neat to be a small part of this
show's amazing history.

A history that fueled for its first 25
years by cocaine and adrenaline,

its next fifteen years by Starbucks and
comparison,

and the last six years by
Adderall and fear.

My last season on the show
was in 2013.

And since then, I've had two children.
Otis and Daisy.

Great kids, just incredible kids.

I don’t know how old they are exactly.

I just don’t pay attention to that kinda
stuff.

They’re like this tall and this tall. But
they’re great, you gotta trust me on that.

The last couple of years though, I’ve been
working on a show called “Ted Lasso”.

Yeah. I mean, no, hey, thank you.

Which somehow became a hit. And is truly
shocking to me

cuz it’s built around two things Americans
hate: Soccer. And kindness.

I don't know...

But it’s great to be back here, in 30
Rockefeller Plaza.

This building is incredible. And I’ve
really enjoyed getting to meet all the

new cast and writers. It’s fun to come
back, as the ‘veteran’.

Different folks asking me for advice.

Like, “I love working here, but what
should I do next?”,

or “How do I get Lorne to notice me?”.
You know, stuff like that.

And, honestly, swear to God, I found
myself giving the same advice to

every single person. I was just like,
you know, win an Emmy.

And if ya can, win two. Double up, that's
the best way to do it. It really does,

it just sets you up for success, I've
found.

All kidding aside it’s really special
to be back in Studio 8H, this room, here.

I mean, this place is historic, okay?
You know, like...

Just for a second, just look around. For
real.

Even you, amazing people working in the
crew, look around for a second.

Think about all the brilliance
that’s happened in here.

All your favourite sketches: “Wild and
Crazy Guys”, “Gilly”, “Cowbell”

all happened right here, in here,
where you are.

All of our collective comedy heroes
have run aroung through here.

Have almost ran into all of you fancy
people they give these nice seats.

Like Farley, Gilda, Eddie, Tina. And then
over here ya got where the music happened.

All the music: Elvis Costello, Kanye,
Nirvana, The Rolling Stones.

In here.

This place changed my life. Twice.
Once as a cast member, as a writer.

But most importantenly as a kid watching
from home.

And there’s a good chance, if you’re
watching tonight,

something from this place probably changed
your life too.

And, I'll tell you this, if this is your
first time watching the show...

well this one probably won’t
change your life,

but we gotta great show for ya tonight.

Brandi Carlile is here, so
stick around, we’ll be right back.

The PBS learning afternoon.
Up next, an all new science room.

You know, I don’t study this
table all the time. Just periodically.

Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to
the Science Room.

I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m
being joined by two junior volunteers,

Lonnie and Josh.
How are you guys doing today?

- Good.
- Bad.

Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Okie, dokie. So, today, we are
learning gravity.

Yeah. And to do so, we
are going to use this model.

Yeah. Now, who
knows what this is?

- Balls.
- Yeah, balls.

Um, yes, they are. But this
is actually a model of our solar system.

And these aren’t just balls. They’re
actually planets.

I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t
have to clap after everything I say. Okay?

Now, Josh, can you point the planet Earth
on this model?

No, no, Josh. That’s the Sun.

No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop.
Remember? Josh is wrong here.

We’re not applauding anymore. Right?
Let’s remember that. Okay, good.

Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why
don’t you please point to planet Earth?

No, did you not just see? No. Look,
Earth is right here.

No, no, no. Stop.
Stop.

- Sorry.
- No, don’t apologize.

Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t
have to apologize.

- You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.
- Okay.

Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the
principle that all things with mass

are attracted to one another. And gravity
is... Don’t mess with them.

Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to
mess with them.

Gravity is what makes our planets...
No, stop. Stop touching it.

It makes our planets orbit around the Sun.
Knock it off, okay? Stop it!

They orbit around the Sun because...
I swear to God !

Because sun is a large...
Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this?

Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the
planets, okay?

Now this one right here,
what’s this?

- A ball.
- No, Lonnie.

No. Remember they’re planets, okay?
Remember? Okay? This is planet...

- Hollywood?
- No.

No. Josh. It’s next
to the sun. It’s very hot.

- Oh. Phoenix?
- No.

- No. That’s a city in Arizona.
- Oh, Tempi?

No, forget it. Okay? You know
what? Let’s just move on.

Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally?
Everything okay? Alright.

Just checking. All right, good.

Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship
with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Nothing, I’m good.

No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the
matter. I asked what is matter?

- Um, black lives?
- No! No, no, no.

- All lives?
- No. Not all lives. No!

Matter is any substance that takes up
space.

Oh, like the balls?

No! Not like the balls.
They’re not balls. Okay, stop it.

Just ignore the balls.

My sister said you should
never ignore the balls.

Don’t. Don’t.

My sister said the guy likes it.

Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that.
Okay, alright. You know what?

Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re
gonna do a little experiment to illustrate

- gravity.
- Oh, more balls.

- Yeah. Cool.
- Stop. No. Look, this is...

If I let go of this metal ball right here,
what will happen?

- It will fall...
- In love?

Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh.

No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball,
it will drop...

It like it’s hot?

Guys! If I let go
of this thing, it will smash...

That subscribe button?

That’s enough!

Who is in charge of you two? Who is in
charge of these two kids?

You two, come here. Get out here.
Come here. Right here.

- Who are you?
- I’m Josh’s father.

Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what,
sir? You have done a horrible job.

Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah.
Say you’re sorry. Say it.

- I’m sorry.
- Great. Thank you.

- And who are you, lady?
- I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Lony? I’ve been calling her
Lonnie the whole damn time.

Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself?
Your name is Lony?

Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in
every way with this child.

Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram!
Get the hell out of here.

Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat
it.

No, not in front of the camera, you
jack ass. Over there!

That way, dummy! That way! I will kick
your ass. Get out of here.

Stop clapping!

Post covid, men are staying
home more than ever before

and they need a
day time talkshow that speaks to them.

ABS thought bout it for 10 seconds and
came up with Mellen! The male Ellen.

I’m Mellen.

Mellen, all the fun day time entertainer
Ellen with the hard masculine edge.

Mellen is no holds barred in your face
entertainment.

Mellen’s a man’s man. And
you never know what Mellen might do next.

Mellen just won’t high-five the audience.
He’ll nut tap them too.

And you better believe there’s dancing.
Awkward male dancing.

Instead of the cute inspiring kids that
Ellen has on,

Mellen has kids who slap
their teachers to get famous on TikTok.

Someone get that kid a beer.
I’m Mellen.

And just like Ellen,
Mellen’s got sneak up surprises.

Now, Kyrie Irving, you’re still
refusing to get vaccinated, correct?

- That’s right.
- Oh, tell me more.

See. I’m just as good as a player
over zoom. You know what I mean?

You got me again, Mellen.

You just got vaxed, Mellen style.

I’m mad.

Put some protein in your daytime TV with
the show critics are calling

“Is this real?”, and Elle’s lawyers are
calling, “Cease and desist.”

Don’t miss segments like ‘Which
crypto is popping right now’ and

‘what happens if you smoke a full cigar
then try to run across a football field’.

Plus, we’re cooking a wild boar meat with
Joe Rogan

and the guy from the Ancient
Aliens who might be Joe Rogan in the wig.

And don’t miss
fun audience giveaways.

Now, if you look under your seats,

everyone in your studio audience gets a
wet bath towel to whip each other with.

A week ago, Mellen was just
a fan of bar stool sports

and the high volume poster on 4chan.

Then he agreed to dye his hair and legally
change his name to Mellen.

And Mellen
loves pranks too.

Like when I sent Flyers mascots Gritty to
bust into random woman’s bathroom.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

Mellen will show you some entry level
TikTok dances that even dads can follow.

And Mellen welcomes heroic psychopaths
like Conor McGregor

and he gets them to open up the only way
men can. While holding golf gloves.

Conor, why do you think
you punch random strangers?

It’s like this. People
say dog fight. Use your word.

I can take you, McGregor.

Let’s do it right now.

And don’t miss our new segment on our male
pattern baldness,

‘Keep it or clip it’,
with Louis C.K.

I love this segment. I think it’s
amazing.

These dudes think they look cool
and they suck.

Hold that thought, Louis. Because Mellen
is about to have a serious heart to heart

with the man, the myth, the myth,
Jake Paul.

So, Jake, you wanna
announce your next fight?

Actually, yeah I do. Yo, Mohammad
Ali. I’m coming for you.

- In the ring. In the street.
- But I think he’s dead.

In the graveyard. You can’t hide
from me forever, Ali.

And it’s in the contract if I win, you hav
to change your name back to Cashus Clay.

Yo!

Mellen, he’s the male Ellen. And that’s as
far as we thought it through.

I’m Mellen.

Sponsored by Peyronies disease. Not the
treatment. The actual disease.

Just have fun with it.

We now return to the feel
good orphan musical, Annie.

Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is
Mr. Warbuck’s house.

It’s so much bigger
than the orphanage.

Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest
man in America.

But it’s not just his house anymore,
Annie. Now, it’s your house too.

And I may
be getting ahead of myself but...

I think you’re
gonna like it here

Golly, who are all
these people?

Staff of course. They’re
here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Make as big of
a mess as you want.

Ms. Fink will make
your bed each day.

It will be my pleasure.

Chef Pat is here
to cook your meals.

I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ay, look. I can’t talk about
it. Alright? Go someone else.

Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

You’ll be excellent student.

Ms. Cob will teach
you how to write.

You’ll be in shape in no time.

And I’m not a creep
or anything like that.

Hey, welcome to the mansion.
Have a tootsie roll.

I think I’m gonna like
it here. Thanks, mister.

No, no, no. Don’t eat
that. What are you doing?

I don’t know. I got worried that the kid
would think I’m a creep or something.

So you gave her
candy from your pocket?

Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple
reason I can’t sing about what I do for

Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is
it’s illegal.

What’s illegal?

If you got money? Not much. You
know?

- Anyway, I’ll get out of your red hair.
- Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

- Ms. May?
- I clean and swim.

Ms. Fink will comb
your hair each night.

- You will?
- Yeah, whatever.

But you know, since it came up,

I would like some answers about what you
do here, Ricky.

Ah, sweetheart, let’s
let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each
other. For three, four last time. So talk.

I mean, no. Come on.
Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

No. Her name is Annie.

Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys,
it’s no big deal, okay?

Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends
have a little club, right? Okay?

And I provide a service for that club, and
in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

- What?
- Yeah.

Good God . What the hell
kind of club is this, Ricky?

It’s nothing. Anyway, I
think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Used to room in a tomb,
where I’d sit and freeze,

look me now, holy cow...

Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re
all uncomfortable.

We’d like to know more
about this club and what you do for them.

Christ! Okay, here’s how it is.

Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together
every month and have a ceremony

where they eat a very rare, very expensive
type of meat. I provide that meat.

Oh, God . Are they eating...

No, no, no. It’s not what you
think, okay? It’s people.

They’re already gone, okay? When I get
them. Alright?

And their families are paid
very handsomely for their troubles.

That’s what I’ve been cooking?
I thought that was pork.

Pork? Yummy! I’d
sure like to try that.

- No, no, no.
- Amy, that’s not for you. Okay.

Finish up the song. It’s a great song.
I love it.

Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

We’ve never had a little girl.

And neither has Warbucks and his
pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay?

All he’s eaten is adult meat.
It’s part of a ritual.

We have but one request

Don’t look in the freezer

I think you’re gonna like it here

My home is your home,
Annie.

Are we all set for the feast,
Ricky?

Oh, yeah.

And what will we be eating?

Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Let’s have both.
Right this way, gentlemen.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey, there.

Oh, hey. How are you doing? You
must be Mr. an Mrs. Walkerson. Right?

Great. Please, take a seat.

I have heard
so much about you two from Skyler.

Really? Like what?

Oh, I’m sorry. Not really. That’s
just something I say to all the parents.

I apologize for the small chairs.

No, it’s alright. But I
look ridiculous sitting on this thing.

No. Stop. You look great.

You know
what? I’ll take it.

Ah, well, so here’s the
headline. Skyler is one cool kid.

Trust me, he
gets that from his mom.

Aww, sweetie!

Well, first of all we want to thank you
for teaching our son to love reading.

Yeah, he reads
every night . It’s amazing.

Well, I mean he’s a smart kid.
The reading part was easy.

The math stuff however,
he’s having a tougher time with.

Especially, fractions.

Right, yeah. Now,
that he got from me.

I mean,
you have a very infectious laugh.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Yeah.

So, fractions, right? That’s Skyler’s
main problem?

Yeah, exactly. You know what, I
just think he finds math a little boring.

Which I get, trust me. But he may need
some additional help. Tutor perhaps.

I see.
Yeah. We can do that.

Yeah.
And are you available?

I mean... in what sense?

- Well, you tell me...
- To tutor our son.

No. I don’t see students outside
school. It’s just a little rule of mine.

Seems smart. And
how would we find a tutor?

Well, do
you ever break the rules?

Yeah, sometimes.
Kind of depends who’s asking.

Well, I’m asking.

Okay, then.

I’m sorry. So, yes,
you are gonna tutor Skyler? Or...

No, no, no. Definitely not.

But you know, I do have a list of tutors
vetted by the school here.

- If you're interested.
- Yeah. That’d be great. Yeah. Thank you.

- Hey, I don’t see your number here.
- He’s not available. He just said that.

And you’re not worried about his
development or anything, right?

No, no, no. Skyler is a total
sweetheart. In fact, I’m trying to think.

I don’t think I’ve had to punish the
little guy once.

Punish? Okay. Wow.

You did not
strike me as the punishing type.

Well, you don’t know me
very well.

Do you, Miss thang?

Okay, I’m not crazy about
the whole miss Thang.

But anyway, thanks for meeting with us.

Yeah, we’ll take a look at this list. And
have a great night.

- Yeah, you too. Enjoy.
- Wait!

Are you mad at me?

What makes you
think I’m mad at you?

I don’t know.
You seem mad at me. Mr. Mad.

Trust me, if I was
mad at you, you’d know.

Well, so, I’m not... I’m
actually getting a little mad right now.

Well, what are
you gonna put me in time out?

I don’t know. You deserve it?

You tell me.
You’re the one in charge.

Say it again.

You’re in charge.

You’re damn right.

What the
hell is going on here?

I want you to walk that sweet thing over
to the chalkboard here and write

“I’ve been bad”, okay?

Yes, sir. Right away.

Hey, listen pal, I don’t know if you think
I’m the kind of guy who just stands by

and watches this sort of thing happen with
his wife, but I’m not.

Should I use the
little chalk or the big chalk?

I’d say you give
the big chalk a shot.

Okay. I’m not
used to chalk this big.

Good one, babe. Ha-ha-ha.
I’m serious, man.

That’s my wife. I’m- I’m gonna do
something.

- I have never felt this way before.
- I know.

I want you so bad.

Then have me, my love.

No!

I’m not messing
around, okay? I’ma count to three.

- Hold this.
- Okay.

One. Two.

Two and half.

Two and five seven. Oh, I’m
so bad at fractions.

You’re a man.

- Tough.
- Strong.

Rugged.

And you need underwear
that’s the same.

Not some designer junk that
comes in a fancy little tube.

For my manly body, that ain’t gonna
cut it.

You might as well throw those
underwear right in the trash.

And if you’re like me, you’re sick
of throwing your underwear in trash.

Like, one time you make a little
mistake,

now you gotta throw your underwear in the
trash again. What a rip off.

Well, not anymore.

Introducing Jake’s non-stick
underwear for men.

The only underwear that’s made with a
high-tech ceramic coating

you find in the world’s finest cook wear
insuring maximum protection

for you manly
mistakes.

Coz you’re a man and you
work hard for your money.

So, stop wasting it by putting your
underwear in two plastic bags,

tying it in a knot and throwing them in a
very bottom of the bathroom trash

every time you make a mistake.

With Jake’s non-stick underwear, my
mistakes slide right off,

right down my
pant leg.

And they’re easy to clean.

Just wipe with a cloth or dry paper towel
and they’re as good as new.

Now, the only thing you gotta worry
about is putting those paper towels

in two plastic bags along with your pants,
sometimes your socks,

tying them in a knot and tossing that out
of your office window.

That’s way cheaper. So, no more
itching in your board meetings.

No more hearing, “You know who
make fun of your mistakes to her friends”.

Girl, it was like
somebody dragged this man in mud.

Don’t make any sense.
And he didn’t even notice.

You shouldn’t have to buy a new underwear

every time you get nervous at an important
dinner.

Or you cough too hard.

Or you got hit in the stomach.

Or your new protein powder
doesn’t agree with you.

Or coz you had whiskey last night.

Or sometimes, nothing at all. It’s
like you wipe real good for like, an hour.

And nothing is on the paper.

And then you go home, it’s a warsack test
in the back of your pants.

He’s like a little boy.

I’m a man!

Yes, you are.

So, ask your doctor about Jake’s Non-stick
prescription underwear for men.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brandi Carlile.

It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank
you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.

I’m Colin Jost.

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys.

So, I wanted to start by showing you the
most haunting image I saw this week.

No. Not that actually. That’s just
Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now.

Even though no one looks at this and goes,
“Yay.”

Haunting image I was thinking about was
actually this one. Yeah. That’s my guy.

Because this week former White House I
wanna say garbage man,

Steve Bannon was held in
contempt of congress.

But this is what Bannon wants. It plays
into his whole persecuted messiah complex.

So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he
looks like he’s been dead for three days.

After weeks of intense media scrutiny,
Facebook is reportedly

planning to change
the company name.

So, if you wanna know
how Facebook is handling the pressure,

the answer is exactly as well as Kanye.

Senator Kirsten Sinema who
hates the attention

says she is imposed to
raise in taxes on the wealthy

to pay for president Biden’s agenda.

Finally, someone speaking up
for billionaires.

Because it’s so hard to
hear from Space.

Donald Trump announced the launch of his
own social media network

he’s calling True Social, but most people
know it by its original name

‘The National
Sex Offender Registry’.

The FDA authorized the mixing and matching
of booster shots and vaccines.

As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of
the pandemic.

Seriously, when it comes to
medication, when has a doctor ever said,

“Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste
the rainbow.”

Who’s the head of the FDA now?
Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid
vaccine for children is 90% effective.

Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that
their covid vaccine

for children is just
CapriSun.

At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden
discussed the importance of addressing

mental health saying “A broken spirit is
no different than a broken arm.”

Well, if I kept betting
on Giants, I’ma have both.

Also at the Town Hall,
President Biden admitted

that he has not yet had time to visit the
southern border.

Though, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that
during meetings,

President Biden repeatedly uses the F word
in conversation.

More concerning, the F
word he keeps using is forget.

The head of Chicago’s police
union is urging officers

to defy the city’s vaccine mandate

which is weird because usually Chicago
police can’t wait to take the shot.

Walmart announced that members of its
Walmart+ subscription service

will be able to take advantage of Black
Friday sales four hours early.

Experts believe it could be the most
violent gathering of Walmart shoppers

since January 6th.

A video is posted of a recent
Smash Mouth...

A video is posted of a recent
Smash Mouth concert in which...

I know, recent.

A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the
lead singer is seen

slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and
threatening to kill an audience member.

And it gets worse.
He then started singing.

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s
show ‘Sex, love & goop’,

a sexologist explained how people can
experience full body orgasm

while fully clothed without touching.

Which is also what happens when your mom
watches Bridgerton.

The StarWars themed house
has been listed for sale in Florida.

But in Florida, StarWars theme just means
it was owned by siblings who kissed.

After trying for several years, the New
York city commission voted to remove

a statue of Thomas Jefferson from
City Hall.

They were finally able to remove it by
telling the statue

there was a hot black
lady outside.

Well, the news...

Well, the news these past few
years has been pretty bleak.

And it seems to be continuing in that
direction. Here to comment is the devil.

Good to see you, Colin. How are
you, Michael?

Yes! Alright.
What’s up, Colin?

It’s just great to see you, Devil. We
haven’t seen you in four or five years.

Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby.
Yeah.

Last few years have been pretty good
for the old Beelzebub here.

Yeah. Well, congratulations.
What are you been working on lately?

Oh, man. So many little side projects.
Earthquakes. Got some killer storms.

Instagram for kids.

Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and
the climate. Climate! Come on!

Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve
been making things up here

feel more like where I’m from. That’s all.
You ever been to Florida?

That’s not that different from hell.

It’s basically pre hell.

It’s people in their 100s and the
temperatures are also in their 100s.

Florida is where I beta
test a lot of new ideas, okay?

Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup
ride. Love for it. Love it.

Yeah. It must be fun.
Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also
in the sports.

Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in
sports. You saw that the Astros won.

They shouldn’t have.

Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady
still going strong, right?

I actually keep
his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

- Handsome guy, still.
- Oh, yeah. He still got it.

He still got it going on. Absolutely.

I appreciate you coming
by to explain all this.

Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually
glad to get out of hell for a minute.

Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns
off.

You know, I actually got to build a
new...

Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn...
It’s my phone.

Sorry! Sorry! Ah!
Prince Andrew. Again.

Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my
phone up all the time.

All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re
coming out of you know...

I look pretty
good though.

Okay, that's your takeaway. I know that
looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but...

Not me. Not
me. I’m a street creed.

Is there anything else that
you’d like to take credit for?

Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me.

I invented vaping.
I’m proud of that one.

Well, you know when you’re trying to read
an article online

and the ad at the top gets real big and
takes up half the screen

no matter how much you
scroll and is still there? Me!

That’s a great one. Great
work.

And I just have to ask, what about
Qanon. Was that you?

Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are
crazy.

A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking
satan worshipping paedophiles exist.

It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good
name into your sick fantasy. Alright?

You take that back right now. You take it
back, Colin. Okay?

Or else I will go back on our deal to let
you marry Scarlett, okay?

- That’s not what happened.
- You baby trapped her.

- That’s not accurate.
- You baby trapped her.

That’s not
accurate. Not accurate

It is true. I don’t know who
screwed her more. You or Disney.

Baby trapped her.

True.

You’re pretty worked up.

Yeah! I am. I’ve just been
working a ton.

I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job
and sometimes I gotta relax, okay?

And this year, I’m gonna blush now. I got
the greatest lap dance of my life.

True.
That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

The Devil, everyone.

I hacked Michael Che.

For Weekend Update,
I’m Colin Jost.

I’m Michael Che. I knew it was you.

It’s “What’s Up With That?”,
Halloween edition.

Taking on the issues of
today with soul.

Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac.

Model and actress, Emily Ratajkowski.

And from Succession, Nicholas Braun.

Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

I woke up this
morning and I got out of bed

had a big old cup of coffee
to clear my head

hiding from the ghost
and a scary black cat

to trick or treat and tell
me what’s up with that

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, thank you very much for joining us
on What’s Up With That

where we are excited about Halloween.
It might get a little creepy.

Might get a little sneaky.

Might get a little peaky.
Don’t got to sleepy.

It’s gonna be spooky,
cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy,

it’s the
great pumpkin snoopy

Oh, wee, what’s up with
that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody
tell me what is up with that?

Now if I’m out here trick or treating,
don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun.
That was fun.

Vance, man, good to see you. How are those
knees doing?

And Giuseppe, I hope your
wife is feeling better.

That wasn’t a joke,
Guiseppe. Okay.

Joining us tonight is the great actor
Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see
you, Deandre. Good to see you.

It’s good to see you too. We go way back.
You remember Miami? I know you do.

I know you do.

And next to him, we have
Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Meow, Deandre.

Well, me to the yow to you too.

And next, he has been on every show that
we have ever had for the past 12 years,

Lindsay Buckenham.

No. No. Sorry. I’m...

Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from
Succession costume I have ever seen.

No, no.
I am Nicholaus Braun.

Whatever, Lindsay. Now, Oscar.

You are the busiest man in the show biz
with projects like Scenes from Marriage,

the Card Counter and Doom.

How do you play
so many different characters?

It’s a good question. Well,
no. They’re all different people.

But there are similarities to them.

What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna
do that to me, right?

No. No. Go ahead.

All right. Okay.

Well, in a sense, all the characters are
going to go through existential crisis.

Existential crisis.

Uh, huh. And you know,
there’s like a sense of poetry to them.

They all deal with pain and loss,
confusion.

Pain,
loss and confusion.

Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether
there’s room

to explore something interesting.

Exploring
in the depths, and I got to say

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get
freaky and funky

because they are the spookiest disco group
in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

Eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face,

that beautiful face

Oh, wee, what’s up
with that? What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the
2003 baseball play offs,

Chicago Cubs
outcast, Steve Bartman.

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball,
got the baseball.

You’re forgiven,
you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Oh, wee, what’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

What’s up... I say what’s up...

somebody
tell me what is up with that?

Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch

that dump and miss Halloween again,
Yeah!

Well, we out of time. But I wanna
thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Yeah. That went exactly
as I thought it would go. Yeah.

And thank you
to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

I flew out for this?

And we thank you for your
service.

And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham.

Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets
behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

I’m actually
Nicholas Braun. Please.

You are a sneaky one, Lindsay.
Go win the cousin Greg contest.

And Vance, take care of your knees, man.

Until next time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

Oh, wee, What’s up with that?
What’s up with that?

Oh, wee...

We hold this truths to be self evident

that all men are created equal and endowed
by their creator

with certain unalienable rights.

- How does that sound?
- Yeah.

Fantastic. I must say, this Declaration of
Independence is coming along quite nice.

Any ideas for what our declaration should
say next?

Perhaps we should detail
these unalienable rights.

Yes, very good.

Absolutely. And I think we should also
guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.

I like that.

Yes. As well as one’s right
to pursuit of happiness.

Yes.

Oh, that’s great. And hey,

what if we put like, a sick ass treasure
map on this thing?

Right? Right?

What?

No. I’m just thinking like, how
sick would it be?

If we put like, a tight
ass treasure map on this bitch, right?

We’re kind of defining our
nation’s values right now.

Yeah, I know. And that’s great for
the front.

But what if on the back is just like,

a boss ass treasure map? Right?

Yeah. No. But I think this meeting here is
more about establishing the country.

Alright. Yes. No. Okay.

So, you know, the treasure
map, it probably doesn’t make sense.

Yeah. I’m okay.

Okay. But
I really like the idea.

- No, you don’t.
- Yes, I do.

Can we please get back to work?

Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this
declaration also addresses

our grievances
towards the king.

- He’s a tyrant.
- Down with the king.

It wouldn’t be for babies.

What do you say?
What is that?

The treasure map. In case that’s
what you don’t like about it.

It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies.
It would be for grown ups.

No one was thinking that.

No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re
saying is it’s not for babies?

Well, that’s interesting. So, we could
hide clues around town?

- Oh my God, that’s incredible.
- Yeah? Alright.

Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.

Well, as long as we’re pitching
on it, maybe people do teams.

What did you just say?

Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then
maybe they need to do it in teams.

I love that.

What if, like, every team
has a strong guy and a smart guy?

- Oh my God !
- Yes. Absolutely.

Yes, and what about an art guy?

Yeah. And obviously the
other teams would need a gadget guy.

Absolutely. Gadget guy.

Always in the van.

Always in the van. That’s
where the tech’s at.

Yes.

Gentlemen, please, this Declaration
does not need a sick ass treasure map

because it already is a map.

A map that leads to the greatest treasure
of all, democracy.

Boo! No.
Lame! Oh, my God.

Who are you?

Well, we com from the future where the
Declaration has nothing on the back

and people are pissed.

With no clues to solve, the
people have resorted to violence.

Do the right thing.
You’ve been warned.

Let’s do it! Yeah!

Once again, Brandi Carlile.

I’ll take another one. A double,
this time.

Honey, sitting here getting wasted
isn’t gonna change anything.

Well I don’t know what else to do,
Jo. We’ve just lost everything.

But why would you go all in with
a pair of 4’s?

It’s called bluffing! Are you
trying to make me feel worse?

No! Baby, I’m just trying to
understand.

All you need to understand is our
savings are back to zero.

We can forget about ever buying a new
house. Your dad was right.

I’m not a man. I’m a little fat girl.

- Don’t say that!
- That's what he said.

Rough night?

- What?
- Your night. It’s rough, right?

I’m really not in the mood to
talk, buddy.

Is that your wife?

- Yea, that’s my wife...
- She is beautiful.

Buddy, I asked you nicely to
leave us alone.

Look. I don’t want any trouble.
But I am a very, very wealthy man.

And I think your wife is the most
beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

- What did you just say to me?
- Let’s just go back to the room, babe.

Hang on. What do you want man?

One night. With your wife. For
two. Thousand. Dollars.

Oh my God.

Alright, I’m about to fist fight
you, dude.

How about five million dollars?

Five million dollars?

Like I said, I’m a very, very
wealthy man.

That’s a lot of money just
to sleep with me...

Plus, I could probably double it
playing baccarat!

No. Baby, no more gambling. It’s
already more than enough money.

You’re right. You’re right. But
you’d have to sleep with this guy...

So?

Are we doing this...?

I mean, it’s five million dollars...

How ‘bout ten thousand dollars.

- Ten thousand?
- What happened to five million?

So we’re negotiating. Fine. Let’s meet in
the middle. Twenty thousand dollars.

How is that the middle?

Look I’m not sleeping with you for any
amount of money. So just get away from us.

Not even for the six million dollars?

Are you actually offering us
six million dollars?

Even better. I’m offering you
fifty thousand dollars.

How’s that better?

It’s easier to carry.

Dude, I’m giving you ten seconds.

Deal. Sold. I only need eight.

I meant, to get away from us.

Fine. But one last offer. One full night
with your wife

for three
million doll-hairs.

Are you saying “doll-hairs”?
Or dollars?

Beauty and smarts. I like that. I’m going
to enjoy sleeping with you more now.

This guy is crazy. Bartender,
we’ll take the check.

Okay, look. I’m a very, very
wealthy man.

I’ll give you 600 thousand dollars, for
one night with your wife.

For real.
Last offer. No joke.

No.

Baby. Think about this. That’s
still a lot of money.

We could get the house and I
could go to college.

And it’s only for one night.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Okay. 55 thousand. Cash.

Why do you keep changing it?

You know what, let me see the money.

- The money?
- Yea, the 55 thousand in cash.

I wanna see it.

Oh, well.
It’s in this briefcase.

- What briefcase?
- You’re not holding anything.

- Ya’ll got Venmo?
- This guy’s nuts.

Fine. Hang on. What if she has
sex with me?

That’s already what you’ve
been asking.

Bartender! Check please!

Fine. I’ll pay that check. But
you have to watch me

- have sex with your wife.
- No!

Fine. No sex. But you pay for
my check too.

- No!
- Okay. Fine.

I’ll bet you a hundred
dollars I can sleep with your wife.

- Deal.
- No, no, no more gambling!

- You’re right. No.
- Fine. One zillion doll-hairs.

Thank you to Brandi Carlile.

Oscar Isaac. Emily Ratajkowski.
Nicolaus Braun. Fred Armisen.

This cast, this crew, incredible crew,
the writers.

Lauren, Steve, all the producers.

It's amazing to come home. When they say
you can't come home again,

that's BS, you actually can and it's
really nice sometimes.

Alright, thank you so much, yeah.