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And now, a message from
the National Football League.
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00:00:09,523 --> 00:00:14,523
Good evening. Good evening.
I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’
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00:00:14,923 --> 00:00:17,683
and I handle public relations for the NFL.
4
00:00:17,762 --> 00:00:20,483
So, if anyone wants to switch jobs,
let me know.
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00:00:21,442 --> 00:00:24,882
Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner
to address this week’s scandal.
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00:00:24,963 --> 00:00:28,843
This is not the NFL draft but
it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.
7
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,402
You don’t really have to boo.
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00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:38,402
Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell
and when you see me on TV,
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00:00:38,482 --> 00:00:39,563
it’s never good.
10
00:00:40,563 --> 00:00:45,003
This time, one of our coaches is accused
of racism, misogyny and homophobia.
11
00:00:45,402 --> 00:00:47,802
But hey, at least no one’s talking about
concussions.
12
00:00:49,643 --> 00:00:53,283
I think we can all agree emails sent by
the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden
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00:00:53,363 --> 00:00:56,643
were horrifying and deeply offensive,
specially to me.
14
00:00:57,082 --> 00:01:01,323
I was referred to as the
F word, the P word, the C word,
15
00:01:01,402 --> 00:01:06,043
the R word, the F’ing R word, and
the F’ing R word P word.
16
00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:08,842
And once weirdly
I was called a DILF.
17
00:01:10,683 --> 00:01:11,683
That was kind of sweet.
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00:01:12,562 --> 00:01:17,963
I assure you all 32 teams in our league
understand that diversity is our strength.
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00:01:18,043 --> 00:01:21,803
And I know our black coaches would agree.
Both of them.
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00:01:23,323 --> 00:01:27,243
Now coach Gruden has asked
to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”
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But he got on his knees and begged and you
know how much I hate seeing someone kneel.
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00:01:35,122 --> 00:01:37,723
So, let’s hear it
one more time for coach Gruden.
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00:01:39,803 --> 00:01:44,562
Thank you, Roger. And I’m
sorry to all the Raiders fans out there.
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00:01:44,963 --> 00:01:47,642
I hope you won’t judge me on one email I
sent 10 years ago,
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00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:50,163
or the 20 emails I sent
last Tuesday.
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00:01:51,122 --> 00:01:54,122
But I promise I don’t have a
racist bone in my body.
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00:01:54,683 --> 00:01:58,642
When I called an African American player
‘darker than a night with no stars’,
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00:01:58,723 --> 00:01:59,803
that wasn’t racial.
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00:01:59,883 --> 00:02:03,523
I was referring to sense of humor which is
extremely dark and edgy.
30
00:02:04,243 --> 00:02:07,803
Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s
the next season coming out?
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00:02:09,482 --> 00:02:13,802
Also called the commissioner gay F word
like a hundred times. Yes.
32
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:17,123
Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if
you’ve ever got burned by auto correct,
33
00:02:17,202 --> 00:02:18,403
hear me out.
34
00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:22,922
So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often
send my friends emails about frigates,
35
00:02:23,003 --> 00:02:24,242
which are warships.
36
00:02:24,323 --> 00:02:27,802
I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!”
37
00:02:28,522 --> 00:02:30,482
That’s when a warship’s on fire.
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00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:34,403
Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.”
39
00:02:34,962 --> 00:02:39,723
That’s about a warship performing oral sex
on another warship. You get it!
40
00:02:40,802 --> 00:02:42,922
My point is I never meant to hurt anyone.
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00:02:43,323 --> 00:02:48,082
I meant to hurt them secretly behind their
backs. But appearances matter.
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00:02:48,163 --> 00:02:51,082
So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all
about appearances,
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00:02:51,163 --> 00:02:53,563
Las Vegas Raiders owner,
Mark Davis.
44
00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:03,802
Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my
players call me, the botched circumcision.
45
00:03:06,283 --> 00:03:12,443
Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did
was disgraceful. But we need to do better.
46
00:03:12,522 --> 00:03:15,723
Okay? We need to, as I always tell my
barber, air higher!
47
00:03:17,082 --> 00:03:20,802
And trust me, I’ve heard all the
jokes about my hair
48
00:03:20,883 --> 00:03:25,123
and how it looks like
Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut.
49
00:03:25,922 --> 00:03:28,762
But we’re making this right and moving on.
50
00:03:28,843 --> 00:03:31,443
So, I’m gonna turn it over to
our new head coach,
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00:03:31,522 --> 00:03:33,522
Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.
52
00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:38,323
Hey, guys. Thank you.
53
00:03:38,403 --> 00:03:42,123
It is an honor to take over this storied
franchise
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00:03:42,202 --> 00:03:44,802
and a real shame that I have to
immediately resign.
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00:03:45,843 --> 00:03:50,962
They just found my emails too. And they
are so much worse than the old coaches.
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00:03:51,362 --> 00:03:54,163
I put the F word in the subject line.
57
00:03:54,563 --> 00:03:58,202
I started an email chain called, “Hey,
let’s rank the racists.”
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00:03:58,843 --> 00:04:01,762
And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s
emails,
59
00:04:01,843 --> 00:04:05,403
“LOL, this is so true and funny!
You the man, Gruden!”
60
00:04:06,362 --> 00:04:09,603
Anyway, thank you and I look forward to
joining ESPN in three months.
61
00:04:11,362 --> 00:04:13,642
Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone.
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00:04:13,723 --> 00:04:17,122
I was the equipment manager five minutes
ago,
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00:04:17,682 --> 00:04:21,562
then someone just pushed me on stage
and whispered, “You the coach now.”
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00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:29,523
So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not
tolerate misogyny of any kind.
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00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:34,802
Never has, never will. I will vouch for
the entire city on that.
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00:04:35,203 --> 00:04:38,482
Also, I’m resigning immediately.
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00:04:38,562 --> 00:04:43,603
I see reporters digging through my old
tweets and that will not end well for me.
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00:04:43,682 --> 00:04:47,723
I never should have
dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween,
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00:04:47,802 --> 00:04:51,523
but 2019 was a different era.
70
00:04:52,122 --> 00:04:55,362
Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the
new chairman of Women’s Relations
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00:04:55,442 --> 00:04:58,922
for the NFL, a cheerleader for the
Washington football team.
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00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:07,603
Thank you. Thank you.
I just like my team don’t have a name.
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00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:13,242
And I just want to say the emails Jon
Gruden sent to our organization
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00:05:13,322 --> 00:05:16,122
do not reflect the values of our team.
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00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:19,603
A team that until a year ago was called
the Red Skins.
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00:05:20,963 --> 00:05:26,283
I also wanna say to women who fell
offended by the emails,
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00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,163
lighten up!
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00:05:28,242 --> 00:05:33,562
They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of
the first female referee
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00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:36,682
and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this
isn’t my kitchen!”
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00:05:36,763 --> 00:05:39,562
That was funny! Just laugh!
81
00:05:40,523 --> 00:05:45,682
And now, to smooth everything over, I’d
like to introduce out new mascot.
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00:05:46,283 --> 00:05:51,963
We’ve made a lot of progress because now,
we’re using white stereotypes.
83
00:05:52,723 --> 00:05:55,723
Please welcome Giuseppe,
the stinky Italian.
84
00:06:01,802 --> 00:06:06,362
That’s right. We Italians make our
meatballs and do the pizza.
85
00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:15,043
I am so sorry.
This don’t feel right.
86
00:06:15,122 --> 00:06:18,362
Speaking of not right,
hi! I’m Colin Kaepernick.
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00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:27,562
Well, so much stuff coming out about the
NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah!
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00:06:28,002 --> 00:06:32,203
I wonder if anyone tried to warn people
about this before!
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00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:36,203
I’m scratching my head
trying to remember who said that.
90
00:06:36,283 --> 00:06:37,963
Scratch, scratch!
91
00:06:38,043 --> 00:06:41,882
It’s almost like that’s
the reason they banned me from the league.
92
00:06:42,283 --> 00:06:46,442
I don’t know. Maybe it
was just your weird haircut.
93
00:06:49,802 --> 00:06:54,163
But good news, I think we may have found a
solution that makes everyone happy.
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00:06:54,242 --> 00:06:56,763
Someone even Twitter can get behind.
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00:06:56,843 --> 00:06:59,682
Introducing our new head
coach, Lavar Burton.
96
00:07:01,562 --> 00:07:05,083
Alright. Thank you very much.
97
00:07:06,403 --> 00:07:09,442
Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik.
98
00:07:12,163 --> 00:07:17,242
I am the supreme football host now.
I’ll take offense for 300.
99
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,603
What is a handoff?
100
00:07:21,043 --> 00:07:24,362
I’m genuinely asking.
I’m a theater kid, you know.
101
00:07:24,442 --> 00:07:28,922
This guy. So yes,
NFL is gonna be just fine.
102
00:07:29,002 --> 00:07:30,562
Take us out,
Levar.
103
00:07:32,362 --> 00:07:37,882
Field goal in the sky,
I am the head coach guy
104
00:07:37,963 --> 00:07:40,882
Just take a look
in the play book
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00:07:40,963 --> 00:07:44,002
- we’re playing football
- We’re playing football
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00:07:44,083 --> 00:07:46,843
They’re
not playing football
107
00:07:46,922 --> 00:07:50,922
And live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.
108
00:10:01,883 --> 00:10:05,682
Ladies and gentlemen,
Rami Malek!
109
00:10:21,123 --> 00:10:26,802
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you so much.
110
00:10:26,883 --> 00:10:28,883
I’m so excited to be here.
111
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:33,123
My name is Rami Malek and I’m honored to
be standing on this stage.
112
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,763
You know, I’ve played a lot of dramatic
roles in my career.
113
00:10:36,842 --> 00:10:39,202
Most recently, the new
Bon villain.
114
00:10:39,283 --> 00:10:44,123
Thank you. But I don’t usually do comedy.
115
00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:47,202
Yes, I try to play these really intense
characters
116
00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:49,643
which makes a lot of sense because people
tell me I have
117
00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:51,883
what’s called a resting
villain face.
118
00:10:53,483 --> 00:10:55,523
Like, this is my totally
neutral.
119
00:10:58,842 --> 00:11:02,562
And I know most people would
rather play the hero but weirdly,
120
00:11:03,202 --> 00:11:05,442
I’ve always been more drawn to villains.
121
00:11:05,523 --> 00:11:10,682
I sympathize with them, you know?
In “Lion King”, I’m team Scar.
122
00:11:12,722 --> 00:11:15,043
I actually found Simba to be kind of
annoying.
123
00:11:16,403 --> 00:11:21,363
You want to be king?
You’re like, three years old. Relax!
124
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:28,003
And in “Silence of the lambs”, I’m always
like, “That poor Hannibal.”
125
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:32,523
I mean, that lady just keeps coming in an
asking him all these questions.
126
00:11:32,602 --> 00:11:36,283
It’s like, leave
the guy alone, Clarice!
127
00:11:36,842 --> 00:11:39,523
I think a lot of the times
villains are just misunderstood.
128
00:11:39,602 --> 00:11:42,003
For example, Jaw’s hungry,
129
00:11:43,123 --> 00:11:47,163
Dracula’s thirsty, Frankenstein is horny.
130
00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:52,523
I can keep going, Darth Vader is just
trying to reconnect with his son.
131
00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:57,403
Freddie Kruger, encouraging kids to dream.
132
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:06,003
But you know what? It’s nice to see
villains finally getting some respect.
133
00:12:06,082 --> 00:12:09,682
I mean, Disney’s even made movies where
134
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,602
the villain’s names are in the
title, right?
135
00:12:11,682 --> 00:12:14,883
You got
“Cruella”, “Malificent”, “Bambi”.
136
00:12:17,123 --> 00:12:21,883
But look, honestly, I’m happy to play the
villain. I’m so happy to be in movies.
137
00:12:21,962 --> 00:12:23,682
I never thought this would be my life.
138
00:12:23,763 --> 00:12:29,602
I’m a son of Egyptian immigrants and I had
this kind of sheltered childhood.
139
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:33,483
It was so sheltered, I grew up in the San
Fernando valley in LA,
140
00:12:33,562 --> 00:12:36,962
but somehow I had no idea that I lived
right next to Hollywood.
141
00:12:37,043 --> 00:12:42,322
Seriously, as a kid, I dreamed of going to
The Walk of Fame, The Sunset Strip,
142
00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:46,643
and I truly thought that was a million
miles away.
143
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:51,442
And it was just a 10 minute drive.
Well, it’s three hours with traffic.
144
00:12:52,602 --> 00:12:58,602
But it was great. I loved growing up there
with my family, my mom, my sister, my dad,
145
00:12:58,682 --> 00:13:02,082
and my twin brother. Yeah, I got a twin.
146
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:09,722
And yes, he will be swapping places with
me in one sketch tonight.
147
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:12,483
And you’ll never
know which one.
148
00:13:13,842 --> 00:13:15,403
It might even be right now.
149
00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:18,842
Nah, I’m kidding. It’s me, Rami.
150
00:13:20,682 --> 00:13:21,643
Or is it?
151
00:13:22,842 --> 00:13:24,163
No, it is.
152
00:13:24,243 --> 00:13:26,202
But really, this is such a special night
for me.
153
00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:29,202
Both of my siblings are here and
I’m so proud of them.
154
00:13:29,283 --> 00:13:31,922
My brother’s a teacher.
My sister’s an ER doctor.
155
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,243
They are truly incredible people
156
00:13:38,322 --> 00:13:40,962
and they have devoted their lives to
helping others.
157
00:13:42,283 --> 00:13:43,883
But I have an Oscar, so...
158
00:13:44,682 --> 00:13:47,043
We’ve got a great show for you tonight.
159
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:51,403
Young Thug is here. So, stick around,
we’ll be right back.
160
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:02,082
Okay, hello everyone and welcome.
I am Principle Carter.
161
00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:06,523
It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle
School, the bug assembly.
162
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:11,123
Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs
to their entire student body.
163
00:14:11,202 --> 00:14:15,123
And they are excited. Sort of like,
Burning Man for the weird kids.
164
00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:19,442
So, without further due, bugs.
165
00:14:23,643 --> 00:14:28,003
I’m a preying mantis, but not
religious. I prey on pests in the garden.
166
00:14:29,123 --> 00:14:32,922
I’m a ladybug. I have up
to 20 spots and that’s a lot!
167
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:37,922
I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor
protects me from predators.
168
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,682
And I am daddy long legs
169
00:14:53,442 --> 00:14:55,883
Great! Well...
170
00:14:56,602 --> 00:15:00,123
your costumes all look terrific. Looking
forward to learning more.
171
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:01,922
Let’s hear about your diets.
172
00:15:03,243 --> 00:15:07,403
I eat weeds and grasses but not
the kind you’re thinking.
173
00:15:07,483 --> 00:15:08,883
Don’t get me in trouble.
174
00:15:10,163 --> 00:15:14,403
I eat bugs and in my life, I can
eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.
175
00:15:15,243 --> 00:15:19,763
And what does daddy long legs eat?
Boys, boys, boys.
176
00:15:34,682 --> 00:15:35,722
Okay.
177
00:15:36,842 --> 00:15:39,243
- Russel...
- Call me daddy.
178
00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:42,202
Okay, daddy,
179
00:15:42,283 --> 00:15:46,682
I appreciate the creativity but I’d love
to know some more about your insect.
180
00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:51,322
Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a
father and my legs go on for weeks.
181
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:54,403
- Okay, and daddy...
- I don’t want that from you.
182
00:15:55,442 --> 00:15:59,643
Okay, Russel, can you say any
science facts about yourself?
183
00:15:59,722 --> 00:16:03,842
Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk
into the room and I’m respected.
184
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,283
No more questions.
185
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:22,082
Russel, you looked like you were about to
do a death drop but then you stopped.
186
00:16:22,802 --> 00:16:25,163
I got scared. I’ve only done it once.
187
00:16:25,243 --> 00:16:28,682
I didn’t want my ass to split open
in front of the judges.
188
00:16:28,763 --> 00:16:32,403
- There are no judges.
- Yeah. What is this kid’s deal?
189
00:16:32,483 --> 00:16:35,523
Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo.
His other dad’s republican.
190
00:16:35,602 --> 00:16:38,202
And honestly, this is the first time I’ve
ever heard him speak.
191
00:16:38,283 --> 00:16:39,562
Got it. Got it.
192
00:16:40,322 --> 00:16:42,202
I gotta say, this feels kind of
unfair.
193
00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:45,403
He’s named after his legs and I’m
named after stink.
194
00:16:45,883 --> 00:16:50,003
Honestly, Johnny, out of all the
seventh grade boys, you smell really good.
195
00:16:50,883 --> 00:16:52,442
Thanks Kev.
196
00:16:52,523 --> 00:16:55,883
Also, I could have sworn
Russel was assigned cockroach.
197
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:57,962
It wasn’t a fit.
198
00:16:59,442 --> 00:17:04,283
Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you
bugs have any questions for each other?
199
00:17:04,763 --> 00:17:08,283
I do. How does the daddy
long legs trap its prey?
200
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:11,683
I slam my credit card
and say, “Daddy’s got it.”
201
00:17:17,122 --> 00:17:19,443
Well, why isn’t
there mommy long legs?
202
00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:22,443
Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now.
I’m going to freak out.
203
00:17:22,523 --> 00:17:25,443
Okay. Daisy, take a time out.
204
00:17:25,523 --> 00:17:27,723
I’m gonna scare you
in the shower later bitch.
205
00:17:28,683 --> 00:17:31,963
Alright. Let’s just relax and move
on.
206
00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:36,723
One of the cool things about today is that
we can see how different bugs interact.
207
00:17:36,802 --> 00:17:38,963
Since you’re such an artistic bunch,
208
00:17:39,043 --> 00:17:43,602
let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug
might exist in nature. And go.
209
00:17:45,082 --> 00:17:47,923
Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.
210
00:17:49,162 --> 00:17:52,963
It’s been a while. You look worse.
Who let you in?
211
00:17:54,122 --> 00:17:56,043
- What?
- Oh, stinkbug. I miss you.
212
00:17:56,122 --> 00:17:59,203
I want your stink back in my life.
Let’s get remarried.
213
00:17:59,923 --> 00:18:01,723
Alright! That is enough!
214
00:18:03,362 --> 00:18:06,082
Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far.
215
00:18:07,043 --> 00:18:09,562
Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene
was pretty damn good.
216
00:18:10,483 --> 00:18:14,043
You know, Russel isn’t the only
one here who can do cool stuff, okay?
217
00:18:14,122 --> 00:18:15,882
I can too. I have charisma.
218
00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:25,963
Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to
say I emit odor in a stinky way.
219
00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:29,923
Johnny, that was amazing.
220
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:33,043
I don’t know if you know this, but my
dad’s an executive at Bravo.
221
00:18:33,122 --> 00:18:34,802
We’re getting you a show.
222
00:18:35,443 --> 00:18:37,122
Wow, Russel. Really?
That’s amazing.
223
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,802
Yes. And we have to celebrate. All
of us, tonight.
224
00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:44,402
Book the school bus coz we’re going out.
And remember, daddy’s got it!
225
00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:03,362
Don't got a lot of money
Drive a rusted out Chevy
226
00:19:04,763 --> 00:19:09,483
I just got laid off
Bar tabain'tpaid off
227
00:19:11,082 --> 00:19:16,362
My ex-wifehates me
Even had to sell mypuppy
228
00:19:16,842 --> 00:19:22,402
Yes, I'm broke and it's a damn shame
Guess I gotta play the Squid Game
229
00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:28,562
Yes, I gotta play the Squid Game
My only option is the Squid Game
230
00:19:29,243 --> 00:19:34,642
Have a number, not a real name
'Cause I'm playin' in the Squid Game
231
00:19:34,723 --> 00:19:39,882
Weird cards, pink guards
Locked us in a big room
232
00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:43,243
They got symbols on their faces
Like the ones on PlayStations
233
00:19:43,322 --> 00:19:46,283
And the main guy looks like Doctor Doom
234
00:19:47,082 --> 00:19:52,203
Bunk beds, new friends
Piggy bank up in the sky
235
00:19:52,602 --> 00:19:55,723
Thre's a robot girl
Who caught me runnin'
236
00:19:55,802 --> 00:19:57,923
Bettr duck behind the nearest guy
237
00:19:58,003 --> 00:19:58,923
Wait, what?
238
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:03,642
They're yelling at me in Korean
and nothing is translated
239
00:20:06,483 --> 00:20:10,162
Broke my cookie and I got eliminated
240
00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:16,322
Got a crazy girlfriend and
I think she might stab me
241
00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:22,562
After I was dead, they took
my eyeball and my kidney
242
00:20:22,642 --> 00:20:24,723
Hey, hey. Where you going with that?
243
00:20:26,283 --> 00:20:30,082
That's what happens in the Squid Game
People die in the...
244
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,162
Red light!
245
00:20:36,842 --> 00:20:37,763
Green light!
246
00:20:39,082 --> 00:20:41,043
That's the way you play the Squid Game
247
00:20:41,122 --> 00:20:42,082
Red light!
248
00:20:52,162 --> 00:20:53,283
Green light!
249
00:20:53,362 --> 00:20:56,082
That's what happens in the Squid Game
250
00:20:56,963 --> 00:21:01,842
45 billion won
That's a whole lotta money
251
00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:08,082
At least I think it is
I'm confused by the currency
252
00:21:08,882 --> 00:21:14,443
Anyway, I'm on a glass bridge
And I think I'm gonna win
253
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:17,562
Hey look, it's my friend Pete
254
00:21:18,162 --> 00:21:20,402
And you go bye-bye now
255
00:21:21,162 --> 00:21:26,763
Hey, I just won the Squid Game
Killed all my friends in the Squid Game
256
00:21:27,642 --> 00:21:32,963
My body is completely maimed
Why the hell'd I play the Squid Game?
257
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:39,443
So I went back to my hometown
Got a cool red haircut
258
00:21:39,842 --> 00:21:44,642
Gonna live my life better now
I've grown in so many ways
259
00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:50,683
Then one day I got bored and I took all
my money and I bet it on the Jets
260
00:21:53,723 --> 00:21:56,723
I'm goin' back to the Squid Game
261
00:21:57,162 --> 00:21:59,322
I'm terrible with money
262
00:22:00,082 --> 00:22:05,642
The guards think it's pretty funny
That I'm back in the Squid Game
263
00:22:07,443 --> 00:22:09,523
Pete has been eliminated
264
00:22:09,602 --> 00:22:11,802
That's what happens in the Squid Game
265
00:22:17,283 --> 00:22:20,122
Well, it looks like we have
a tough choice on our hands.
266
00:22:20,203 --> 00:22:23,283
I know, I know. I didn’t expect this
decision to be so difficult.
267
00:22:23,362 --> 00:22:24,683
What do you think, Jordon Peele?
268
00:22:24,763 --> 00:22:28,362
I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely
between the last two, agreed?
269
00:22:28,443 --> 00:22:29,483
Definitely.
270
00:22:29,562 --> 00:22:31,082
You know what? Why
don’t we bring them back in?
271
00:22:32,203 --> 00:22:35,082
Derpee, can you send
in the last two auditioners?
272
00:22:45,362 --> 00:22:46,842
Wow, this is gonna be tough.
273
00:22:46,923 --> 00:22:51,642
First of all, you guys are by far top two
choices to play Prince in my new bio.
274
00:22:51,723 --> 00:22:53,923
But obviously, we can only pick one.
275
00:22:54,763 --> 00:22:56,402
- Of course.
- Right. Right.
276
00:22:56,882 --> 00:22:59,562
So, the only way to settle
this is to have a Prince off.
277
00:23:00,283 --> 00:23:01,402
A Prince off, sir?
278
00:23:01,483 --> 00:23:03,043
What the
hell is a Prince off?
279
00:23:03,923 --> 00:23:06,322
Yes. I’ll call out some
random scenes from the script
280
00:23:06,402 --> 00:23:10,243
and you two will give me your absolute
best Prince performance at the same time.
281
00:23:11,003 --> 00:23:12,122
We can do that.
282
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:16,283
Alright. Show me Prince
doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.
283
00:23:20,683 --> 00:23:24,963
Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted
in the legs with a football.
284
00:23:29,362 --> 00:23:30,443
Good.
285
00:23:30,523 --> 00:23:32,523
Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.
286
00:23:36,283 --> 00:23:38,122
Oh my god, this is so hard.
287
00:23:38,203 --> 00:23:40,523
Okay, Prince is with his
lover and he finishes prematurely.
288
00:23:44,562 --> 00:23:47,842
Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in
the shower and the water’s too hot.
289
00:23:52,322 --> 00:23:54,283
Let’s see Prince get shot
in the stomach.
290
00:23:57,802 --> 00:24:00,763
Prince gets a covid test but they go
up too far.
291
00:24:04,642 --> 00:24:07,723
Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina
colada isn’t virgin.
292
00:24:11,402 --> 00:24:13,882
And cut. How do we choose?
293
00:24:13,963 --> 00:24:15,963
God, I don’t know. Shooting
starts tomorrow.
294
00:24:16,043 --> 00:24:18,602
So, it’s going to be
Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?
295
00:24:19,802 --> 00:24:22,802
I mean, Rami, you look
almost identical to Prince in costume.
296
00:24:24,203 --> 00:24:26,402
Thank you. I was up
all night making this look.
297
00:24:27,082 --> 00:24:28,003
Thirsty.
298
00:24:29,842 --> 00:24:33,003
And Kenan, you’re in costume
but you look nothing like Prince.
299
00:24:33,802 --> 00:24:34,923
Yes, that is correct.
300
00:24:37,923 --> 00:24:40,203
But you are
black and Rami is not.
301
00:24:40,763 --> 00:24:41,683
Thank you very much.
302
00:24:44,402 --> 00:24:45,763
You know, that’s not fair.
303
00:24:46,523 --> 00:24:49,162
I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a
white guy to play Prince.
304
00:24:49,923 --> 00:24:54,003
But my parents are from
Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.
305
00:24:54,082 --> 00:24:55,162
Come on, man.
306
00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:56,923
Don’t do that.
307
00:24:58,842 --> 00:25:03,362
Okay, fine. But doesn’t
Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?
308
00:25:04,082 --> 00:25:05,322
Not in this movie, no.
309
00:25:06,082 --> 00:25:08,562
There’s an unexpected
twist in this Jordan film.
310
00:25:08,642 --> 00:25:11,882
That’s right. You see, it
starts off with Prince bio, but then...
311
00:25:11,963 --> 00:25:14,602
It turns into being
a horror movie by racism.
312
00:25:15,443 --> 00:25:16,362
Okay, lucky guess.
313
00:25:17,642 --> 00:25:19,602
Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.
314
00:25:19,683 --> 00:25:21,723
- Hurray.
- This is bull.
315
00:25:23,362 --> 00:25:25,003
Am I late?
316
00:25:38,283 --> 00:25:42,283
Am I too late for the audition
for the part of the prince?
317
00:25:43,402 --> 00:25:45,362
Yes, you are.
318
00:25:45,842 --> 00:25:47,723
Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.
319
00:25:48,122 --> 00:25:51,322
And the audition is not for
the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.
320
00:25:51,402 --> 00:25:52,523
A-ha. Yeah.
321
00:25:52,602 --> 00:25:53,642
Did you even read the script?
322
00:25:53,723 --> 00:25:56,763
Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror
movie that’s about racism, right?
323
00:25:57,362 --> 00:25:58,802
Yeah, it is.
324
00:25:59,882 --> 00:26:05,043
Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we?
Can I at least have a go? Try?
325
00:26:14,162 --> 00:26:16,802
Fine. Show me Prince
seeing an adorable dog.
326
00:26:21,043 --> 00:26:22,443
But then it bites him.
327
00:26:26,523 --> 00:26:28,963
Okay. So, he kicks it and he
misses.
328
00:26:32,443 --> 00:26:34,763
Hey. Get off me,
Double-O-ugly.
329
00:26:37,802 --> 00:26:38,842
How was that?
330
00:26:38,923 --> 00:26:41,923
That was bad. But you’re
James Bond, so you got the part.
331
00:26:51,362 --> 00:26:54,723
It’s time for Celeb School
with your host Bert Simpson.
332
00:26:57,243 --> 00:27:01,402
Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson,
Bert Simpson.
333
00:27:02,443 --> 00:27:03,483
And you know the game.
334
00:27:03,562 --> 00:27:08,043
Two contestants try to win $10000 with a
help from our classroom of celebs.
335
00:27:08,122 --> 00:27:11,122
Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.
336
00:27:11,203 --> 00:27:13,043
Now, let's meet our celebrity students.
337
00:27:13,683 --> 00:27:15,723
Oh, wait. Are we not
going to do intro banter?
338
00:27:15,802 --> 00:27:17,243
Oh, no. You two are boring.
339
00:27:17,322 --> 00:27:20,923
Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”,
it’s John Oliver.
340
00:27:21,602 --> 00:27:25,322
Game shows. America’s dirty
little obsession.
341
00:27:25,402 --> 00:27:29,162
Give me more game shows,
daddy. More please.
342
00:27:31,203 --> 00:27:35,443
Okay. From “White
Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.
343
00:27:35,523 --> 00:27:39,082
Oh, jeez. Why am I here?
344
00:27:40,082 --> 00:27:42,043
I don’t know anything. Gosh!
345
00:27:45,842 --> 00:27:50,322
Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like
it’s been changed to protect his identity,
346
00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:51,683
Adam Driver.
347
00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:54,283
Hello. Excited to be here.
348
00:27:55,283 --> 00:27:56,763
Well, you could have fooled me.
349
00:27:58,203 --> 00:28:00,362
We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig.
350
00:28:01,243 --> 00:28:04,723
Hey. Hey, Mr. Host man.
351
00:28:06,162 --> 00:28:08,203
Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?
352
00:28:10,443 --> 00:28:12,243
Star Trek legend, George Takei.
353
00:28:12,763 --> 00:28:13,723
Hello.
354
00:28:15,483 --> 00:28:17,723
George, I gotta
ask. Are you gonna say it?
355
00:28:18,283 --> 00:28:21,243
That depends
on how bad you want it.
356
00:28:21,322 --> 00:28:22,923
Oh, very bad.
357
00:28:23,642 --> 00:28:24,763
Oh, my!
358
00:28:26,162 --> 00:28:27,283
There it is!
359
00:28:27,362 --> 00:28:30,162
Okay, next to
him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.
360
00:28:31,443 --> 00:28:34,283
I like to vibe out. Weezy!
361
00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:36,842
It’s the wrong game, Weezy.
362
00:28:37,243 --> 00:28:41,003
Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”,
Rami Malek.
363
00:28:46,602 --> 00:28:50,882
Okay. And finally from SNL,
Pete Davidson.
364
00:28:51,362 --> 00:28:57,362
Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I
have to sit next to Rami Malek?
365
00:28:58,162 --> 00:29:03,203
I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like
dude! Stop staring at me, man.
366
00:29:04,402 --> 00:29:09,362
I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we
look alike. Maybe.
367
00:29:09,443 --> 00:29:13,082
I don’t see it. Maybe
if I looked a little longer.
368
00:29:13,483 --> 00:29:14,602
No, dude!
369
00:29:16,562 --> 00:29:20,003
Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you
know how the game works.
370
00:29:20,082 --> 00:29:22,523
I give you a subject and you call on a
celebrity student
371
00:29:22,602 --> 00:29:23,963
you think will know the answer.
372
00:29:24,043 --> 00:29:26,483
Ryan, you’re up first. Your subject is...
373
00:29:27,243 --> 00:29:28,402
geography.
374
00:29:29,243 --> 00:29:33,162
Well, he has an accent and glasses
which means he gotta be smart.
375
00:29:33,243 --> 00:29:34,842
I call on John Oliver.
376
00:29:35,763 --> 00:29:40,443
Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered
by Norway and which other country?
377
00:29:41,283 --> 00:29:46,122
Of course, you can’t talk
about Sweden without talking about IKEA.
378
00:29:46,203 --> 00:29:50,842
Home of sketchy furniture and even
sketchier meatballs.
379
00:29:50,923 --> 00:29:55,003
They’re not beef.
Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.
380
00:29:57,362 --> 00:30:02,402
John, your rant though
amusing contained no answer.
381
00:30:03,243 --> 00:30:06,043
And please, no more over the shoulder
graphics.
382
00:30:06,602 --> 00:30:08,963
Alright, Trishelle, you can
steal.
383
00:30:09,043 --> 00:30:11,763
Okay. Well, I’ll
call on Jennifer Coolidge.
384
00:30:11,842 --> 00:30:16,003
Oh, jeez! Bad choice,
sweetheart.
385
00:30:17,763 --> 00:30:24,523
I was in Europe once. I drank too much and
passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass.
386
00:30:26,362 --> 00:30:29,043
Where was I? Finland?
387
00:30:30,362 --> 00:30:33,243
That is correct. Trishelle
takes the point.
388
00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:38,203
You stop with the
paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.
389
00:30:38,602 --> 00:30:42,842
I didn’t throw anything.
Why would you think I threw it?
390
00:30:43,642 --> 00:30:47,162
Because you are half
giggling and I saw you throw it.
391
00:30:47,723 --> 00:30:50,443
I’m sorry. I was just being
weird. Sorry.
392
00:30:51,322 --> 00:30:53,243
I might do it
again though. Is that bad?
393
00:30:54,043 --> 00:30:54,963
Yes.
394
00:30:56,043 --> 00:31:00,243
Okay, Trishelle.
Your subject is history.
395
00:31:00,683 --> 00:31:04,763
Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer
because he is definitely high as hell,
396
00:31:04,842 --> 00:31:07,243
but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.
397
00:31:08,243 --> 00:31:12,802
Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the
puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”
398
00:31:14,842 --> 00:31:18,923
Once again, this is not
“Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”.
399
00:31:19,802 --> 00:31:21,683
Are you ready for the question, Lil’
Wayne?
400
00:31:24,562 --> 00:31:27,443
And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he
went?
401
00:31:27,523 --> 00:31:29,923
Rami Malek, did you see where
Wheezy went?
402
00:31:30,562 --> 00:31:33,642
No. I’ve been
staring at Pete Davidson.
403
00:31:34,043 --> 00:31:36,602
Argh! Please, make him stop.
404
00:31:36,683 --> 00:31:40,523
It’s like the soul of a victorian child is
trapped in his eyes.
405
00:31:42,402 --> 00:31:46,003
You’re not wrong, Pete.
Okay, Trishelle, second choice?
406
00:31:46,882 --> 00:31:48,402
I call on Pete Davidson.
407
00:31:49,683 --> 00:31:50,602
Pass!
408
00:31:52,283 --> 00:31:54,963
You can’t pass, Pete.
Okay, your question.
409
00:31:55,683 --> 00:32:01,162
Which revolutionary war battle was fought
in your home town, New York City?
410
00:32:02,882 --> 00:32:08,683
How would I know that? I
mean, I went to school in Staten Island.
411
00:32:08,763 --> 00:32:15,443
And all of our classes were to prepare us
to be firefighters or racist cops.
412
00:32:15,523 --> 00:32:16,723
Oh my!
413
00:32:18,483 --> 00:32:19,882
George, you stay out of this.
414
00:32:20,923 --> 00:32:22,602
Alright, I need an answer, Pete.
415
00:32:23,802 --> 00:32:29,602
I don’t know. I mean, can I just give
Trishelle $10000 after the show?
416
00:32:29,683 --> 00:32:31,283
I mean, that would be easier.
417
00:32:32,283 --> 00:32:36,003
No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works.
Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.
418
00:32:36,483 --> 00:32:38,082
Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.
419
00:32:39,162 --> 00:32:43,362
Good. Yes. Let’s
have fun playing the game.
420
00:32:46,963 --> 00:32:51,162
Adam. Which revolutionary
war battle was fought in New York City?
421
00:32:52,043 --> 00:32:55,642
I don’t know. So, I’m
not gonna answer the question.
422
00:32:56,683 --> 00:33:01,322
Hey, calm down! Any of our
other celebs think they know?
423
00:33:01,402 --> 00:33:03,642
George Takei has his hand up.
You got an answer?
424
00:33:03,723 --> 00:33:05,723
No. I have a question.
425
00:33:06,122 --> 00:33:10,003
Why did William Shatner get to go to space
and not me?
426
00:33:10,082 --> 00:33:12,443
Let Sulu go to the moon.
427
00:33:14,322 --> 00:33:15,882
Sorry, it’s not up to me, George.
428
00:33:15,963 --> 00:33:21,842
And not that anyone cares, but the answer
is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.
429
00:33:22,562 --> 00:33:24,122
Yo, where did the plane go at?
430
00:33:25,963 --> 00:33:28,082
That is “Price is Right”, Weezy.
431
00:33:28,562 --> 00:33:31,802
Okay, we’re gonna take a quick
commercial break. Keep it right here.
432
00:33:31,882 --> 00:33:33,283
Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.
433
00:33:45,162 --> 00:33:48,162
Ladies and gentleman,
Young Thug.
434
00:35:43,923 --> 00:35:47,923
It’s Weekend Update with
Colin Jost and Michael Che.
435
00:35:52,483 --> 00:35:56,403
Thank you. Thank
you. Good evening everyone.
436
00:35:56,483 --> 00:35:58,043
Welcome to Weekend
Update. I’m Michael Che.
437
00:35:58,122 --> 00:35:59,242
I’m Colin Jost.
438
00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:02,923
The Biden Administration’s climate plan is
likely to be dropped
439
00:36:03,003 --> 00:36:06,443
from the budget bill after senator Joe
Manchin refused to support it.
440
00:36:06,523 --> 00:36:09,843
But you know what? I’m not going to let
some bad climate news ruin
441
00:36:09,923 --> 00:36:12,523
this beautiful 80 degree October day.
442
00:36:14,682 --> 00:36:18,122
Manchin who is from West Virginia said he
would only agree to Biden’s bill
443
00:36:18,202 --> 00:36:22,642
if it cuts clean energy and officially
makes coal one of the five food groups.
444
00:36:24,562 --> 00:36:27,523
A new report shows that
president Biden is on average
445
00:36:27,602 --> 00:36:32,403
22 minutes late for public events. Worse,
he only does it to appeal black voters.
446
00:36:35,363 --> 00:36:38,883
The Brooklyn Nets have benched star player
Kyrie Irving from the team
447
00:36:38,963 --> 00:36:42,803
until he’s finally vaccinated and as a New
York sports fan, I hope this decision
448
00:36:42,883 --> 00:36:47,162
finally forces Kyrie to do the right thing
and buy a fake vaccination card.
449
00:36:49,642 --> 00:36:53,803
Logistical delays caused by worker
shortages and covid outrages have doubled
450
00:36:53,883 --> 00:36:57,162
the time it takes for some products to get
from Asia to the US.
451
00:36:57,642 --> 00:37:00,722
Now, this might sound
crazy, but could we use bats?
452
00:37:04,162 --> 00:37:08,803
Because last time bats carried something,
it got everywhere real quick.
453
00:37:11,602 --> 00:37:12,682
Pro-bat crowd?
454
00:37:14,122 --> 00:37:17,923
Transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg is
criticized for remaining on
455
00:37:18,003 --> 00:37:20,483
paternity leave with his husband and twin
babies
456
00:37:20,562 --> 00:37:24,363
while supply chain problems
threatened the holiday shopping season.
457
00:37:24,443 --> 00:37:27,843
Said conservatives, “See, you let gay
couples have kids
458
00:37:27,923 --> 00:37:29,082
and God cancels Christmas.”
459
00:37:32,122 --> 00:37:36,202
A new study shows that
coronavirus can cause infertility in men.
460
00:37:36,282 --> 00:37:37,682
See, so it’s not all bad.
461
00:37:41,443 --> 00:37:45,963
At a republican rally in Virginia,
attendees resided the national anthem
462
00:37:46,043 --> 00:37:50,282
to a flag allegedly used during the
Capitol riots.
463
00:37:50,363 --> 00:37:52,242
You could tell the flag was
from the riots because
464
00:37:52,323 --> 00:37:54,483
it was soaked in
pepper spray and mountain dew code reck.
465
00:37:56,562 --> 00:37:59,323
Raider’s head coach Jon Gruden
resigned after the discovery of
466
00:37:59,403 --> 00:38:02,722
homophobic, misogynist and racist emails
he sent
467
00:38:02,803 --> 00:38:04,923
and clearly the emails
are indefensible, but
468
00:38:05,363 --> 00:38:07,963
does anyone want to
be judged by their old emails?
469
00:38:08,043 --> 00:38:10,602
I mean, if you could see half the emails
Che sends me.
470
00:38:11,963 --> 00:38:16,682
Actually, I’ll show you one.
The subject line is “LISTEN UP HONKY”.
471
00:38:18,682 --> 00:38:22,963
And then the body of the email just says
“I wish they got you instead of Harambe.”
472
00:38:26,323 --> 00:38:27,403
So, you did get that one.
473
00:38:27,883 --> 00:38:31,762
Colin Kaepernick revealed that he has
maintained his 5 AM training regimen
474
00:38:31,843 --> 00:38:34,162
in case he gets called back up to the NFL.
475
00:38:34,242 --> 00:38:36,843
But the Giants are still going to
stick with their current quarterback,
476
00:38:36,923 --> 00:38:38,122
a scarecrow on a rumba.
477
00:38:42,122 --> 00:38:44,843
A photo of Timothee Chalamet
as Willy Wonka
478
00:38:44,923 --> 00:38:47,602
in an upcoming prequel of
“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
479
00:38:47,682 --> 00:38:53,642
went viral this week with many on social
media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka.
480
00:38:56,082 --> 00:38:59,282
Here to comment on this is a proud gay
Oompa Loompa.
481
00:39:04,403 --> 00:39:10,282
Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin.
How did you just introduce me?
482
00:39:10,363 --> 00:39:12,403
As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.
483
00:39:12,483 --> 00:39:13,722
Oh my god.
484
00:39:14,122 --> 00:39:15,682
Oh my god. Sorry.
Is that not correct?
485
00:39:15,762 --> 00:39:20,363
No, it’s correct. You just,
um, outed me on national television.
486
00:39:20,443 --> 00:39:22,242
But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad.
487
00:39:22,323 --> 00:39:27,883
I actually came here to make a statement
about our pending factory strike.
488
00:39:27,963 --> 00:39:31,562
But now,
I guess I gotta... call my parents.
489
00:39:31,642 --> 00:39:32,642
No.
490
00:39:33,363 --> 00:39:37,122
But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just
so I can plan, when does this air?
491
00:39:37,202 --> 00:39:39,282
- It’s live.
- It’s live?
492
00:39:39,923 --> 00:39:43,562
Okay, well, I should
probably read my little paper.
493
00:39:43,642 --> 00:39:50,202
Well, the recent coverage of an attractive
young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious.
494
00:39:50,282 --> 00:39:54,242
What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are
the unsafe working conditions
495
00:39:54,323 --> 00:39:56,963
in this factory... Oh, boy.
Hold on. Sorry.
496
00:39:57,043 --> 00:39:58,082
Are you okay?
497
00:39:58,162 --> 00:40:02,282
I just don’t want
my family to find out like this.
498
00:40:03,202 --> 00:40:04,363
You think they’ll be upset?
499
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:07,682
They live in Loompa land.
It’s not as progressive as here.
500
00:40:07,762 --> 00:40:13,722
They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So
yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.
501
00:40:14,682 --> 00:40:17,242
- Well, we can stop if you want.
- No, I got it. I got it.
502
00:40:17,323 --> 00:40:20,162
This Twink Wonka or Twonka
503
00:40:20,963 --> 00:40:24,642
may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper
but make no mistake, he...
504
00:40:24,722 --> 00:40:27,803
Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You
did me a huge favor
505
00:40:27,883 --> 00:40:29,923
because now I can be
honest about everything. Okay,
506
00:40:30,003 --> 00:40:32,963
point blank, a man doesn’t know how to
make a chocolate.
507
00:40:33,043 --> 00:40:36,923
Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who
has never touched a machine.
508
00:40:37,003 --> 00:40:39,602
He just tumbles into the inventing room
and says something like,
509
00:40:39,682 --> 00:40:43,122
“Oh, what about a gum drop that makes
children dream silly dreams?”
510
00:40:43,202 --> 00:40:46,043
And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about
it?”
511
00:40:48,843 --> 00:40:51,323
Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing
the little song and dance
512
00:40:51,403 --> 00:40:53,282
we do when a child dies.
513
00:40:56,562 --> 00:40:57,803
The whole thing is sick.
514
00:40:59,483 --> 00:41:02,642
Then I guess you’re not too
excited about this new Wonka.
515
00:41:02,722 --> 00:41:06,403
Sorry, I’m just curious. Do
I just give off a gay vibe?
516
00:41:07,242 --> 00:41:09,562
What about
this makes me seem gay to you?
517
00:41:09,642 --> 00:41:12,323
It’s just... there’s a lot of
product in your hair. I don’t know.
518
00:41:13,003 --> 00:41:16,403
Okay. And you just stepped
out of the shower like that with yours?
519
00:41:17,843 --> 00:41:20,363
Pot, kettle. Okay, well, I’m being a
bitch.
520
00:41:20,963 --> 00:41:25,803
But honestly, it does feel nice to
be out and I don’t know, maybe,
521
00:41:25,883 --> 00:41:29,242
now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you
can come out too, Colin.
522
00:41:30,682 --> 00:41:32,363
No, no, no, I’m not gay.
523
00:41:32,443 --> 00:41:33,682
I’m sorry, boys, I tried.
524
00:41:33,762 --> 00:41:35,602
A proud gay
Oompa Loompa, everyone.
525
00:41:36,843 --> 00:41:38,363
I’m in the union
526
00:41:41,923 --> 00:41:46,682
Experts say that by 2026,
Disney+ will surpass Netflix
527
00:41:46,762 --> 00:41:51,202
to become the top streaming platform in
the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.
528
00:41:54,483 --> 00:41:58,963
DC comics announced that the
new Superman will be bisexual.
529
00:41:59,523 --> 00:42:04,202
Yes, they also announced that the Riddler
has always been down for whatever.
530
00:42:07,043 --> 00:42:10,403
A California ranch once owned
by Ronald Raegan
531
00:42:10,483 --> 00:42:12,923
is being threatened by a
large wildfire.
532
00:42:13,003 --> 00:42:16,202
Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by
pouring water
533
00:42:16,282 --> 00:42:18,803
onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles
down.
534
00:42:20,323 --> 00:42:21,843
Thank you. Thank you.
535
00:42:23,483 --> 00:42:25,043
An economics joke.
536
00:42:25,443 --> 00:42:27,843
Music commentators are noting that
upcoming releases from
537
00:42:27,923 --> 00:42:30,963
Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in
the industry
538
00:42:31,043 --> 00:42:33,963
from hot girls summer to sad
girl autumn.
539
00:42:38,523 --> 00:42:41,762
Yes, which is followed as
always by messy diva Christmas.
540
00:42:44,082 --> 00:42:49,282
Archaeologists in Israel have
discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow.
541
00:42:49,363 --> 00:42:52,483
It’s crazy that Jewish people have been
making wine for that long
542
00:42:52,562 --> 00:42:54,523
and they still
haven’t gotten any good at it.
543
00:43:02,923 --> 00:43:06,562
The Rolling Stones announced
they will no longer play the 1971 song
544
00:43:06,642 --> 00:43:09,483
Brown Sugar which is about having sex with
a slave.
545
00:43:10,162 --> 00:43:13,323
Something I wish I had realized
before I chose it at Karaoke.
546
00:43:15,282 --> 00:43:16,202
See why I sent that e-mail?
547
00:43:18,483 --> 00:43:20,963
With so much happening in the
world these days,
548
00:43:21,043 --> 00:43:23,443
it can be overwhelming
to keep up with the news.
549
00:43:23,523 --> 00:43:25,483
Here to comment
is our very own, Chris Redd.
550
00:43:26,803 --> 00:43:30,363
- Yeah. Thank you, Che. Thank you, man.
- How are you doing?
551
00:43:30,443 --> 00:43:34,363
And may I just say what y’all do up here
every Saturday, keeping us informed.
552
00:43:34,443 --> 00:43:35,843
It’s important, bro.
553
00:43:37,162 --> 00:43:41,803
But Che, when do you take a moment to talk
about the important unimportant things?
554
00:43:41,883 --> 00:43:42,883
What do you mean by that?
555
00:43:42,963 --> 00:43:45,682
You know. Stuff most people don’t talk
about because
556
00:43:45,762 --> 00:43:49,043
technically it doesn’t matter. Here. Let
me take a moment quick. Hit me.
557
00:43:51,523 --> 00:43:55,803
All this talk about debt ceiling and
climate change but nobody talks about
558
00:43:55,883 --> 00:43:59,803
the fact that nobody in here knows one
person who drives or operates a blimp.
559
00:44:01,602 --> 00:44:02,803
A blimp?
560
00:44:02,883 --> 00:44:05,682
Yes, a blimp. Why do we not
now who drives it?
561
00:44:05,762 --> 00:44:10,323
Like, when someone says, “I’m a driver”,
you don’t say, “Oh, car or blimp?”
562
00:44:11,562 --> 00:44:14,803
Who is flying these things? I mean, they
could fly a plane or jet.
563
00:44:14,883 --> 00:44:18,162
“No, I wanna fly
a slow ass dildo across the sky.”
564
00:44:19,443 --> 00:44:21,722
For real! I’ve asked people all across the
country,
565
00:44:21,803 --> 00:44:23,722
not one person knows a blimp
driver.
566
00:44:23,803 --> 00:44:28,282
This might be a dumb question to
ask you, but are we sure blimps are real?
567
00:44:28,883 --> 00:44:30,803
I’m pretty sure
they’re real, Chris.
568
00:44:30,883 --> 00:44:32,242
Exactly. Pretty sure.
569
00:44:33,162 --> 00:44:36,602
Plus, blimps are slow as hell. You ever
seen a fast blimp? No.
570
00:44:36,682 --> 00:44:37,602
Because that is a missile.
571
00:44:40,242 --> 00:44:43,043
Anyway, what y’all doing?
Y’all good? What’s going on?
572
00:44:43,122 --> 00:44:45,162
Hold up, Chris. This wasn’t
the plan.
573
00:44:45,242 --> 00:44:48,003
I mean, weren’t you supposed to be talking
about the last time you were up here?
574
00:44:48,082 --> 00:44:49,722
And that thing you said?
575
00:44:49,803 --> 00:44:52,923
No. I don’t think so. I’m
supposed to be talking about stuff like,
576
00:44:53,003 --> 00:44:55,803
why is everybody so mad about Superman’s
son in the comics
577
00:44:55,883 --> 00:45:00,762
being little bi-sex boy now? What a waste
of time. He’s not real.
578
00:45:01,722 --> 00:45:04,003
I don’t care what
real people do with their sex.
579
00:45:04,082 --> 00:45:05,963
So, why would I care about stencil, dog?
580
00:45:07,722 --> 00:45:11,843
There has to be something for everybody.
So, treat life like a Pornhub selection.
581
00:45:11,923 --> 00:45:14,242
If it ain’t for you, don’t click the tab.
582
00:45:16,082 --> 00:45:17,602
Anyway, what porn you watch, Che?
583
00:45:18,043 --> 00:45:20,242
We’re not talking
about porn, Chris.
584
00:45:20,323 --> 00:45:23,562
Yeah, me neither, man. My porn
watching days are over.
585
00:45:23,642 --> 00:45:25,642
I knew it when I started emailing
feedback,
586
00:45:25,722 --> 00:45:27,523
“Passion is not in your eyes no
more”. You know?
587
00:45:28,923 --> 00:45:31,883
Colin, can I smoke weed
in your house?
588
00:45:33,803 --> 00:45:35,403
No. I have a baby.
589
00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:36,602
That’s right. That’s right.
590
00:45:36,682 --> 00:45:38,483
Congratulations again on little baby
Cletus.
591
00:45:40,242 --> 00:45:43,883
You know that my baby’s name is not
Cletus, Chris. I’ve sent you pictures.
592
00:45:44,403 --> 00:45:47,642
I get a lot of pictures, Colin. I only
remember the boobies. Anyway...
593
00:45:48,282 --> 00:45:51,443
Chris, that’s enough. Let’s
talk about the last time you were here.
594
00:45:52,242 --> 00:45:54,443
Aite, man. Aite!
Damn! Roll the damn clip.
595
00:45:54,923 --> 00:45:56,323
Chris Redd, everyone.
596
00:45:56,403 --> 00:45:58,242
Black people
can’t get coronavirus.
597
00:46:01,363 --> 00:46:05,843
Okay. So, I guess
that didn’t hold up great.
598
00:46:06,602 --> 00:46:11,282
I’m not sure people caught that clip from
February, 2020. Roll it again, please.
599
00:46:11,722 --> 00:46:13,843
Black people
can’t get coronavirus.
600
00:46:15,242 --> 00:46:18,523
Okay! In my defense, I was
just saying something crazy!
601
00:46:19,403 --> 00:46:23,043
I’m not a scientist. I went to community
college.
602
00:46:23,122 --> 00:46:28,682
Which is like, high school, but you can
have sex with your teachers. With consent.
603
00:46:28,762 --> 00:46:30,523
I’m pretty sure
you actually can’t, man.
604
00:46:30,602 --> 00:46:32,642
Hah! Well,
I learned a lot today.
605
00:46:33,242 --> 00:46:36,282
That’s Chris Redd with
very important unimportant news.
606
00:46:36,363 --> 00:46:37,722
Not enough people
are talking about it. Fist bump!
607
00:46:44,403 --> 00:46:48,323
Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi
service say that after a year,
608
00:46:48,403 --> 00:46:52,403
robo taxis still have trouble with left
turns and puddles.
609
00:46:53,202 --> 00:46:56,843
Which explains Waymo’s
slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.
610
00:46:59,122 --> 00:47:03,202
A woman in Arizona gave birth
to a 14 pound baby boy.
611
00:47:03,282 --> 00:47:05,483
So now, Arizona has two Grand Canyons.
612
00:47:09,242 --> 00:47:13,642
It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you
didn’t get it.
613
00:47:13,722 --> 00:47:14,642
Oh my God.
614
00:47:18,722 --> 00:47:21,082
One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends
revealed that
615
00:47:21,162 --> 00:47:23,202
the Playboy mansion is haunted.
616
00:47:23,282 --> 00:47:25,843
She knew it was haunted because if you
turn on a black light,
617
00:47:25,923 --> 00:47:27,682
you see ectoplasm
everywhere.
618
00:47:30,282 --> 00:47:34,162
A British woman was shocked when she
discovered a four foot long python
619
00:47:34,242 --> 00:47:36,883
in her toilet.
But ey, that’s Indian food for you.
620
00:47:42,682 --> 00:47:44,762
You'd wish he'd go back to the Grand
Canion jokes. Yeah.
621
00:47:45,803 --> 00:47:49,282
A new stage show from world
renowned hypnotist Linus Minus
622
00:47:49,363 --> 00:47:52,483
is quickly
becoming the talk of Broadway’s reopening.
623
00:47:52,883 --> 00:47:55,722
Here with more is Linus Minus and his
volunteer, Roy.
624
00:47:57,923 --> 00:48:04,483
Hi there. Yes. I found a
volunteer to be hypnotized on your show.
625
00:48:04,562 --> 00:48:09,043
He’s a member of your security staff here
at Saturday Night Live.
626
00:48:09,122 --> 00:48:11,202
Yeah. Hey, Roy, how
are you feeling? Nervous?
627
00:48:11,282 --> 00:48:14,642
Oh, no, man. This little silly magic
is not going to work on me, Jack!
628
00:48:14,722 --> 00:48:20,803
Okay. Well, humor me, Roy,
and imagine yourself on a cloud.
629
00:48:20,883 --> 00:48:26,122
And as I count down from five, Roy, you
sleep further into that cloud.
630
00:48:26,202 --> 00:48:33,082
Five, four, you’re falling Roy, three,
two, falling deeper Roy, one, and sleep.
631
00:48:34,242 --> 00:48:39,682
Alright. Now, Roy is in state of
suggestive hypnosis. Meaning...
632
00:48:40,403 --> 00:48:42,323
Okay. Oh, dear.
633
00:48:42,403 --> 00:48:43,843
Is everything okay?
634
00:48:43,923 --> 00:48:50,843
I think he was a little too
relaxed. And he tinkled just a little bit.
635
00:48:51,803 --> 00:48:56,523
I apologize but we’ll have to cut this
short.
636
00:48:56,602 --> 00:48:58,523
Roy, when you hear wake,
637
00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:04,682
you will return to the state of
active consciousness. And wake.
638
00:49:04,762 --> 00:49:07,443
Oh, woo! Where my pants went?
639
00:49:08,722 --> 00:49:11,043
You made me piss myself on live TV?
You son of a...
640
00:49:11,122 --> 00:49:12,082
Sleep.
641
00:49:14,642 --> 00:49:16,803
Why did you put
him back to sleep again?
642
00:49:16,883 --> 00:49:23,003
Well, he grabbed me, as you
saw. And I felt a bit scared for my life.
643
00:49:23,762 --> 00:49:30,682
So, Roy, when you hear wake, you will be
happy about what’s going on in your pants.
644
00:49:34,122 --> 00:49:36,803
Happy. And, wake.
645
00:49:37,282 --> 00:49:40,602
Oh, what you doing
feels so good, Zendaya.
646
00:49:40,682 --> 00:49:41,682
And sleep.
647
00:49:43,642 --> 00:49:50,562
Oopsie. Roy made the source of happiness
a sexual fantasy with Zendaya.
648
00:49:51,082 --> 00:49:54,403
Yes. I feel like you should
maybe get Roy off stage, okay?
649
00:49:54,483 --> 00:50:00,282
I’m trying, Colin. Roy, when
you hear wake, Zendaya is gone.
650
00:50:00,363 --> 00:50:02,722
She is not here. And wake.
651
00:50:03,843 --> 00:50:08,762
Ay, where Zendaya at? What did you
do with Zendaya, you sick son of a...
652
00:50:08,843 --> 00:50:09,762
Sleep.
653
00:50:12,082 --> 00:50:19,003
Roy, I didn’t do anything to Zendaya.
654
00:50:20,803 --> 00:50:26,043
I am not the reason Zendaya isn’t here,
Roy. And wake.
655
00:50:26,443 --> 00:50:32,923
Oh no! I killed Zendaya. And I
pissed my pants. Help! Help!
656
00:50:33,003 --> 00:50:33,923
Sleep.
657
00:50:36,963 --> 00:50:38,082
Okay.
658
00:50:38,162 --> 00:50:44,843
One more time. Roy, on wake, your
pants are not wet, they’re dry.
659
00:50:45,323 --> 00:50:49,963
Zendaya is
not here but Zendaya is alive and safe.
660
00:50:50,443 --> 00:50:53,122
You are calm. You are just at work, Roy.
661
00:50:53,202 --> 00:50:58,242
You’re doing your normal job and a
security guard for Saturday Night Live.
662
00:50:58,642 --> 00:51:02,122
And wake. How do you feel?
663
00:51:02,202 --> 00:51:04,602
Great. I think I should get back to
work though.
664
00:51:05,043 --> 00:51:07,242
Ay, Michael Che, tell them strippers in
your dressing room
665
00:51:07,323 --> 00:51:09,282
- to put some masks on, man.
- Ay! Sleep!
666
00:51:09,883 --> 00:51:11,122
There you go, right.
667
00:51:11,963 --> 00:51:13,963
Linus Minus and Roy,
everyone.
668
00:51:15,043 --> 00:51:16,602
For Weekend Update, I’m Colin
Jost.
669
00:51:16,682 --> 00:51:17,642
I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
670
00:51:22,883 --> 00:51:25,963
Oh, I like this one.
It is so soft.
671
00:51:26,043 --> 00:51:28,803
Yeah.
But is it too soft?
672
00:51:30,082 --> 00:51:32,483
Look at me, like Goldilocks.
673
00:51:32,562 --> 00:51:34,602
Hi, can I help you folks with
anything today?
674
00:51:35,403 --> 00:51:38,843
Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but
we’re torn between these two.
675
00:51:38,923 --> 00:51:42,202
Oh, it is a big decision. We do
spend a third of our lives in bed.
676
00:51:42,282 --> 00:51:44,202
Wow, yeah, true.
677
00:51:44,282 --> 00:51:49,162
Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we
can see how it would really feel.
678
00:51:50,483 --> 00:51:55,443
Okay. Sometimes I get home late from work
and it just wakes her up.
679
00:51:55,523 --> 00:51:58,162
Oh, sure. Just try this out,
you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.
680
00:52:00,923 --> 00:52:03,122
Well, well, well.
681
00:52:03,843 --> 00:52:05,923
Look who’s finally home.
682
00:52:06,883 --> 00:52:08,003
Where were you?
683
00:52:08,562 --> 00:52:10,483
Denise, you’re awake.
684
00:52:10,562 --> 00:52:13,883
I am, and you reek
of vermouth and whores.
685
00:52:15,803 --> 00:52:18,483
Can we not do this Denise?
686
00:52:18,562 --> 00:52:22,003
Oh, so I’m the problem?
Go to hell!
687
00:52:22,923 --> 00:52:26,523
Yeah, this was good, right?
I love it.
688
00:52:26,602 --> 00:52:29,803
Yeah. Yeah. This is
really, really comfortable.
689
00:52:30,483 --> 00:52:31,602
Okay.
690
00:52:34,082 --> 00:52:36,003
I can really picture us one this.
691
00:52:36,082 --> 00:52:37,003
I know. Yeah.
692
00:52:39,282 --> 00:52:41,323
Goodnight, my love.
693
00:52:42,803 --> 00:52:43,722
Goodnight.
694
00:52:45,323 --> 00:52:48,162
You were being
weird at the party tonight.
695
00:52:50,242 --> 00:52:51,602
I was having fun.
696
00:52:51,682 --> 00:52:55,642
You kept talking to Andrea
and Andrea is a bitch.
697
00:52:57,082 --> 00:53:01,003
Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?
698
00:53:02,562 --> 00:53:03,923
This is nice.
699
00:53:05,082 --> 00:53:07,562
Yeah, honestly,
I almost fell asleep.
700
00:53:08,003 --> 00:53:10,642
No, you guys were
doing like, a little play.
701
00:53:12,282 --> 00:53:16,363
Well, you know, we just want to make sure
that the mattress is perfect for us.
702
00:53:16,443 --> 00:53:20,242
Yeah, like you said, you know, we
spent three thirds of our lives in bed.
703
00:53:20,682 --> 00:53:22,403
That is not what I said.
704
00:53:23,202 --> 00:53:24,602
Honey, let’s try the other one.
705
00:53:24,682 --> 00:53:27,403
Yeah. Go head. You want
to make sure the right decision.
706
00:53:28,843 --> 00:53:32,803
Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.
707
00:53:32,883 --> 00:53:37,562
Oh, Denise, you’re driving
me wild with that night gown.
708
00:53:37,642 --> 00:53:39,403
No, Richard. I’m tired.
709
00:53:40,323 --> 00:53:43,803
Oh, really? You’ve been tired
for a month, Denise.
710
00:53:44,443 --> 00:53:45,803
Whatever, goodnight.
711
00:53:51,803 --> 00:53:52,843
Richard!
712
00:53:53,323 --> 00:53:55,722
I’m not even asleep yet
and you’re jerking it?
713
00:53:57,082 --> 00:53:59,722
I’m backed up and
it’s pissing me off.
714
00:53:59,803 --> 00:54:05,082
Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching
porn in our brand new sleepy town bed?
715
00:54:06,282 --> 00:54:09,803
Well, tell me the title. Tell me the
title of the porn.
716
00:54:09,883 --> 00:54:11,523
Now, don’t tell her, man.
717
00:54:13,282 --> 00:54:16,282
Hot lady gets adult detention.
718
00:54:16,363 --> 00:54:18,122
Oh, you disgusting.
719
00:54:19,682 --> 00:54:23,963
Oh, yeah. We love
this one.
720
00:54:25,242 --> 00:54:26,642
But you know what? I did like the
other one too.
721
00:54:26,722 --> 00:54:28,162
- Should we try it again?
- Sure.
722
00:54:28,562 --> 00:54:31,082
See, this does feel just as nice.
723
00:54:33,843 --> 00:54:35,282
It is so soft.
724
00:54:40,162 --> 00:54:44,642
So, what do we think?
Hello? Are you guys asleep?
725
00:54:45,363 --> 00:54:48,043
Ah! There’s
someone in the house.
726
00:54:49,483 --> 00:54:50,443
I’ll get the gun.
727
00:54:52,883 --> 00:54:54,883
When did you put that thing
there?
728
00:54:54,963 --> 00:54:59,122
No, Richard, not that
gun. Get the killing gun.
729
00:55:02,602 --> 00:55:06,443
Good thinking, Denise. Bang,
bang.
730
00:55:06,523 --> 00:55:09,282
Oh my god. You killed the
intruder.
731
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:13,403
You protected me. Damn.
I’m so horny for you.
732
00:55:14,883 --> 00:55:16,803
You come to me.
733
00:55:16,883 --> 00:55:19,722
Yes. Do me like
I’m in adult detention.
734
00:55:24,403 --> 00:55:26,242
Alright, enough! Enough!
735
00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:29,443
Please, you want to buy this mattress or
what?
736
00:55:29,523 --> 00:55:33,602
Oh god, the intruder is still
alive.
737
00:55:34,242 --> 00:55:36,803
And he has your gun. Bang!
738
00:55:40,722 --> 00:55:42,202
Ah! I’m hit.
739
00:55:42,282 --> 00:55:45,242
No. No, Richard.
740
00:55:46,722 --> 00:55:50,523
Goodbye, Denise. I love you.
741
00:55:51,642 --> 00:55:54,843
You saved me. But I’m so horny.
742
00:55:56,082 --> 00:56:01,602
Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in
our bed from SleepyTown.
743
00:56:02,682 --> 00:56:06,722
SleepyTown, USA,
“A bed for wife, a bed for life”.
744
00:56:14,242 --> 00:56:16,883
Once again, Young Thug.
745
00:59:47,202 --> 00:59:49,122
I can’t believe we’re here.
746
00:59:49,202 --> 00:59:52,642
My friends have been trying to get tickets
or months. How did you get them?
747
00:59:52,722 --> 00:59:55,443
Well, let’s just say, baby, I know
the right people
748
00:59:55,523 --> 00:59:59,082
and I spent a ridiculously large amount of
money on this.
749
00:59:59,682 --> 01:00:04,762
However you did it, you made my year. I
can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.
750
01:00:04,843 --> 01:00:09,923
Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but
I know you’re dying to see him.
751
01:00:10,003 --> 01:00:12,003
- So, let’s just...
- Because he’s amazing.
752
01:00:12,082 --> 01:00:16,443
The review in the Times said “He takes you
on his spectacular musical journey”.
753
01:00:16,523 --> 01:00:20,562
Apparently, like, all he needs is one word
and songs just flow out of him.
754
01:00:20,642 --> 01:00:24,883
Right. One word?
Colour me intrigued.
755
01:00:24,963 --> 01:00:31,202
Ladies and gentlemen,
international singing sensation, Angelo.
756
01:00:34,003 --> 01:00:35,162
Hello, everybody.
757
01:00:37,043 --> 01:00:38,883
Can I get a one
word please.
758
01:00:39,483 --> 01:00:40,602
Go ahead, Lance.
759
01:00:41,562 --> 01:00:43,963
Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.
760
01:00:45,003 --> 01:00:46,082
Say for me?
761
01:00:47,363 --> 01:00:48,282
Bicycle.
762
01:00:49,682 --> 01:00:50,923
Um, say... Say for me?
763
01:00:53,003 --> 01:00:54,443
Bicycle.
764
01:00:55,122 --> 01:00:56,242
Bar-far-bas.
765
01:00:58,242 --> 01:01:03,562
If I lie to me like this...
...like that
766
01:01:05,602 --> 01:01:11,923
if I ever said ... tonight
767
01:01:13,122 --> 01:01:14,122
Thank you for this.
768
01:01:16,562 --> 01:01:20,523
I mean, can you believer he just
created that beautiful song on the spot?
769
01:01:21,443 --> 01:01:23,602
I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear
him singing about bicycles but...
770
01:01:23,682 --> 01:01:25,883
Shh! Here we go.
771
01:01:26,883 --> 01:01:28,602
Can I get another word please?
772
01:01:29,202 --> 01:01:30,523
Go ahead, Lance, do it.
773
01:01:30,602 --> 01:01:32,162
- What? Me again?
- He has one. Yeah.
774
01:01:32,803 --> 01:01:34,483
Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.
775
01:01:35,843 --> 01:01:36,883
Say for me?
776
01:01:38,242 --> 01:01:39,162
Banana.
777
01:01:40,682 --> 01:01:42,282
- Say... Say for me?
- Banana.
778
01:01:43,043 --> 01:01:44,323
Barfa-bala-vas.
779
01:01:44,403 --> 01:01:46,043
No. That’s not what I said.
780
01:01:47,483 --> 01:01:50,282
If I ever
sing like that for me
781
01:01:51,282 --> 01:01:53,282
another lie...
782
01:01:55,282 --> 01:02:01,202
If I ever say that like this for me
tonight...
783
01:02:03,202 --> 01:02:04,562
Thank you so much for this.
784
01:02:05,883 --> 01:02:08,803
So, is this always what he does?
785
01:02:08,883 --> 01:02:10,963
I know. It’s amazing. Right?
786
01:02:11,043 --> 01:02:13,682
I mean, I can’t
really understand him.
787
01:02:14,202 --> 01:02:16,443
Because he’s not
from this country, Lance.
788
01:02:16,523 --> 01:02:19,523
Well, I’m not from this
country and you understand me.
789
01:02:19,602 --> 01:02:20,722
No, I don’t.
790
01:02:24,043 --> 01:02:26,282
And now I bring dance for this.
791
01:02:35,202 --> 01:02:38,602
- Oh my God, it’s Todd.
- Who’s Todd?
792
01:02:38,682 --> 01:02:41,403
I read about him.
He’s what’s next in dance.
793
01:02:45,682 --> 01:02:47,883
Tell them to get one word for
dance.
794
01:02:47,963 --> 01:02:49,722
Yes. Yes. Just one word.
795
01:02:49,803 --> 01:02:51,043
Please.
796
01:02:51,122 --> 01:02:52,043
One word.
797
01:02:53,082 --> 01:02:54,363
Me again?
798
01:02:56,043 --> 01:02:57,323
Um, alright.
799
01:02:57,403 --> 01:02:58,443
Um, road trip.
800
01:02:59,883 --> 01:03:01,443
Say for us?
801
01:03:03,483 --> 01:03:04,562
Road trip.
802
01:03:06,043 --> 01:03:07,722
Say for us?
803
01:03:07,803 --> 01:03:09,242
Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!
804
01:03:11,883 --> 01:03:13,682
Ros-Paresca.
805
01:03:15,403 --> 01:03:19,923
If I like to sing this for me
another lie...
806
01:03:22,162 --> 01:03:28,003
if I ever say to me like that tonight
807
01:03:28,523 --> 01:03:29,843
Dance please.
808
01:03:44,202 --> 01:03:45,242
Thank you for this.
809
01:03:47,162 --> 01:03:51,403
Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our
first night.
810
01:03:51,483 --> 01:03:53,242
All the stars have aligned
for us.
811
01:03:53,323 --> 01:03:55,523
Are you sure? I mean, Todd
seems a little bit nervous.
812
01:03:55,602 --> 01:03:58,923
- Lance, they’re telling their story.
- Right! Right!
813
01:03:59,003 --> 01:04:01,323
It’s about coming here
from a war torn country.
814
01:04:01,403 --> 01:04:04,682
Where are you getting that?
I didn’t get anything. What country?
815
01:04:06,162 --> 01:04:08,682
Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.
816
01:04:10,043 --> 01:04:11,642
Alright, you know,
that’s not a real place.
817
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:13,363
Hey, we talked about this.
818
01:04:13,883 --> 01:04:17,082
You need to go into the new
situations with an open heart.
819
01:04:17,162 --> 01:04:18,523
Yeah, I’m trying.
I’m just, you know.
820
01:04:20,043 --> 01:04:22,003
Another word for once.
821
01:04:23,483 --> 01:04:24,722
One word.
822
01:04:24,803 --> 01:04:28,803
Alright. You know what? Fine.
Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.
823
01:04:30,762 --> 01:04:32,403
Mesothelioma.
824
01:04:34,722 --> 01:04:37,843
Well, I... Yeah, they got it.
That’s quite impressive I suppose.
825
01:04:37,923 --> 01:04:40,803
Why? Why is that
impressive, Lance?
826
01:04:41,282 --> 01:04:42,363
Well, I...
827
01:04:42,443 --> 01:04:46,883
If I ever sing lie to
me in this life...
828
01:04:47,843 --> 01:04:53,403
if I never
say like this night tonight
829
01:04:53,963 --> 01:04:56,963
Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons.
That’s...
830
01:04:57,043 --> 01:04:59,162
I mean, that’s beautiful with
the ribbons.
831
01:05:01,923 --> 01:05:06,242
I wanna
know what love is
832
01:05:08,883 --> 01:05:13,562
I want you
to show me...
833
01:05:16,162 --> 01:05:18,242
That’s good. That’s good.
834
01:05:19,883 --> 01:05:22,762
Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.
835
01:05:29,003 --> 01:05:32,803
That was incredible.
What a fun night! Such a thrill.
836
01:05:33,602 --> 01:05:37,523
Thank you guys so much.
I'll never forget it.
837
01:05:37,602 --> 01:05:39,003
Thank you to Young Thug.
838
01:05:42,122 --> 01:05:43,202
Daniel Craig.
839
01:05:44,082 --> 01:05:46,883
Travis Barker, Nate Ruess,
840
01:05:47,282 --> 01:05:51,082
Jeff Basker and all of you.
72497
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