All language subtitles for The.Great.Outdoors.1988.BluRay.1080p.TrueHD.5.1.AVC.HYBRiD.REMUX-FraMeSToR

- You messed up the words, Ben.
- No.

- You messed up the words twice.
- Oh, wow... It hasn't changed.

God, I would've thought
they made some improvements or something.

- Come on, everybody.
- Hey.

- Our Lady of Victory...
- Pray for us.

Break! Let's go.

Watch the doors.

Whoa!
Trees in the parking lot...

Nature all around us, boys.

Take it in.
Take it all in.

I'm gonna go check us in.

This is great.

Well? Is this a real
North Woods lodge or what?

Great.

Check out the shotgun lamp.

Isn't that something, huh?
You don't see that every day.

Hey...

Hello! Hello!
Anybody home?

- Looks the same, doesn't it?
- Doesn't it?

- Smells the same too.
- Yeah, it does. Hello!

- I wonder if they have a lot of check-ins.
- What's this? What's this over here?

"For prompt service, blow me. "

- It's an interesting touch.
- It's charming.

- Blow it.
- Shall I?

- Go ahead.
- Yeah.

Yeah!

Jeez!

Folks, don't mind Wormer.
She hates people.

Wormer, shut the frig up.
What can I do you for?

What happened to that...
That dog's face?

Porcupine quills.
Loves porcupines, hates people.

She's in heat too.

Too bad you're not a dog.
What can I do you for?

Wally, your dog
ever had a bath before?

There she is.
Oh, that's a gorgeous cabin.

Okay, hold it, hold it!
That's good enough. Hey!

Honey, that's bigger
than our honeymoon cabin.

You city-dwelling fools
are damn lucky to have this cabin.

- It just became available yesterday.
- We call it the Loon's Nest.

- You know what a loon is, noodlehead?
- Yeah, we have one in our family.

We had a fishing party
in there up until yesterday.

They caught their limit,
and then blew.

- It's all redecorated inside.
- Every bit of it.

Me and Wally sunk over 300 bucks into it. And
that's not counting what we spent on Lysol.

- Is that right?
- It's beautiful.

Now, you folks enjoy your stay.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Thank you very much.

- How could you not in a place like this?
- You could get the shits from the well water.

- What did he say?
- I missed it.

What a gas!

Chet's gonna shit a solid-gold brick!
What a great surprise!

I'll go see where he's
bivouacked the family.

This is very unfair, Roman.

What the hell are you talking about?
We're a family, for crying out loud!

How many times have we invited Chet
and Connie to the islands with us? A dozen?

This is a little different.
We weren't invited.

Ah, they'll be tickled
to death to see us.

Honey, I found out
what was stinking up the shower.

- A present from me to you.
- What is it?

How thoughtful. That's really nice.
Put it in there with all the others.

There's fish all over this house.
Look, a pink one.

All right, let's leave
this stuff right here, okay?

You put your bathing suit on,
and we'll go down to the lake.

No, no, you go ahead.
I really just can't seem to relax in filth.

Come on. We'll all pitch in later
and clean this up, all right? Let's go.

You know, we can't even use the bathroom
until someone finds the toilet seat?

Buck already found the toilet seat.
It was on the sun porch.

- Sun porch?
- Yeah.

- Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
- Come on, no further excuses, all right?

- What are you doing?
- I don't know. I don't know.

- Stop it, Chet.
- You know, the kids are at the lake.

- Come on, Chet, stop. What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.

- Honey, honey, honey, no!
- Well, we got the house to ourselves. Hello.

Oh, no! What happened?
I'm sorry.

I just don't feel like this.

Can you understand that?
I'm tired, I'm stinky.

- Come on.
- What are you doing? Come on.

- Come on. We're at the house by ourselves.
- What about the kids? I don't care!

What about the kids?
They're down at the lake.

Don't do this here.
Let's go to the bedroom.

Why? That's the great thing
about being in the North Woods, Connie.

- What are you feeding me now?
- Come on!

You can run around here naked as a bear
and not worry about running into anybody.

- Is that right?
- Yes.

Really?

You think it's possible that
we could play fashion parade? Please...

- I don't wanna play fashion parade.
- Why?

- You get to wear the good outfits.
- Oh, no, I'll let you wear them.

- You will?
- Now, uh, you will be Shelana!

- Shelana, the oak tree woman.
- Oh, I love it when I'm the oak tree woman!

- Temptress of the woods.
- Yes!

- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!

And I will be Burt.

- Burt!
- A guy named Burt.

I love it when you're Burt.
You're always so... when you're Burt.

Or I could be
Smokey's cousin, Horny.

- He has endurance.
- Yes, he does.

Anybody home?

Shelana the woods temptress?
With Horny the Bear, Smokey's cousin?

Okay. Okay.

- Turn that off. Turn it off.
- Oh, yeah. No, no, Chester, you said it.

Do it on the floor!

Beautiful stuff.
Hey, that's all right.

Game playing, role playing. Helps
in a marriage after a while, you know?

Knock it off. Turn the damn thing off!
Turn it off.

That was quite a surprise.
I mean... You got me.

And the whole week
you'll be here!

Okay...

Oh, wow!
Just something.

So, anyway,
you're an intelligent man.

Thank you.

- You make a good living.
- Not bad.

- You got a good life.
- Pretty good.

- Answer me one question.
- Sure.

Why the hell would you want to come up to
a plant-infested no-man's-land like this...

...and live like a barbarian
for a week?

- You wouldn't understand.
- Try me.

I have great memories of this
country when I was a kid, you know...

...and I used to come up here
with my dad...

...and I want the boys
to have the same memories.

Look around you, Roman! For God sakes,
this is beautiful country here!

Take a good look.

I'll tell you what I see
when I look out there, if you wanna know.

Yeah, I'm curious.

I see the underdeveloped resources of
Northern Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan.

I see a syndicated
development consortium...

...exploiting over a billion
and a half dollars in forest products.

I see a paper mill, and, if the strategic
metals are there, a mining operation.

A green belt between the condos on the lake
and a waste management facility...

...focusing on the newest rage
in toxic waste, medical refuse...

...infected bandages, body parts,
IV tubing, contaminated glassware...

...entrails, syringes, fluid, blood,
low-grade radioactive wastes...

...all safely contained, sunken in
the lake and sealed for centuries.

Now, I ask you:
What do you see?

I just see, uh... I see trees.

Well, no one ever accused you
of having a grand vision.

- Nope.
- Maybe it's all for the best.

While the ambitious scramble
for wealth and power...

...the Chet Ripley's of the world
are just able to lay back...

...and casually stroll
along life's path.

- I mean that as a compliment.
- Oh, thanks.

The rest of us are all probably gonna die of
heart attacks and strokes long before you.

I hope so.
Wouldn't that be great?

Gee, just to see a bunch
of people drop that you hate.

That would be something else,
I'm telling you.

My goodness!
My goodness me!

I'm gonna walk down
life's path right now.

Ah, get the barbecue going,
get some hot dogs on there.

Wait a minute. No way.
Wait a hot-shit minute.

- What?
- Rule one:

No relative of mine is gonna eat hot dogs
as long as he's sharing my cabin.

Katie!

Do you sense the presence
of an alien life form?

Now that you mention it, I do kind of sense
something kind of strange.

Yeah, some kind of...

Ah, shit...

Did I tell you what we did in the
Euro-currency futures market last week?

Probably.

I thought I might have mentioned
how we picked up a deutschmarks contract...

...sat on it a week, sold it
taking a 300% profit.

Well, easy money
is money easily lost.

See, I can't believe how dangerously
old-fashioned your thinking is.

- 300% profit, huh?
- Sometimes it's 200%, sometimes 100%.

Take the good with the bad.

Yeah.
Still that's pretty good.

The point of the matter is,
you should have your piece too.

Wow, hot!

- How are those tails?
- What? Who's saying something about my tails?

They're killers.
They're 28 bucks a pop.

28? Oh, my God.

You know, Chet and I haven't had lobster in
an age, not since our anniversary, anyway.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Jumping lobster!

- Save that one.
- Okay.

- That'll be for me.
- I'll make sure of that.

How about the gourmet here?
You know what he wanted? Hot dogs!

You know what they
make those things out of, huh, Chet?

Lips and assholes.

I guess I'm old-fashioned.
I like assholes.

And I like lips!

If I could market lips like those,
I'd make another million.

Lobster turned out all right, huh?
If I do say so myself.

So, I think we should go into town tomorrow
and pick up a ski boat.

What do you say?
Sound good, guys?

Uncle Roman will blow some coin
on a kick-ass drag boat.

- That's okay. We're renting a pontoon boat.
- Pontoon boat.

What the hell you gonna do with a
pontoon boat? Retake Omaha Beach?

No, not at all.

A pontoon boat, you go out
and, you know, you cruise the lake.

You swim from them, you fish from them,
and even bring the barbecue out.

You have a great time
with these things.

You tour the lake in comfort
is what I'm saying.

You guys wanna cruise
the lake in comfort...

...or would you rather skim the waves
with Uncle Roman in a jet boat?

Jet boat!

- Sorry, Dad.
- Attaboy, Benny!

All right, that's my man!

Care to put it
to a vote, Chester?

We don't need a vote, all right? If you
guys want a jet boat, you get a jet boat.

Buck and I are getting
a pontoon boat, right, Buck?

- Sorry, Dad.
- Directly from the mouths of babes, Chet.

Are you gonna argue,
or are you gonna enjoy yourselves?

Hey, I'm enjoying!
Chet's arguing.

Hey, how about if the kids go out
and catch fireflies.

You know, we could play cards.

Cara? Mara? You little dolls
wanna go outside and catch fireflies?

Honey, they don't like bugs.

What do you mean?
All kids like bugs. They're cute.

Especially fireflies.
Their butts light up.

I tell you, I am a killer Monopoly player.
Roman taught me. He's vicious.

- Buddy Reiser died.
- Oh, no!

- The president of Energy and Resources.
- Honey...

Died in bed.

- He was your mentor, wasn't he?
- One of the men I admired.

- Hey, I'm trying to read here.
- Yeah, I'm reading the Wall Street Report.

Sorry, sorry.

I think I have to tell you
this story.

A story that might save your lives
since we're up here in the North Woods.

I know the Heimlich maneuver.

No, this is...

...a bear story.

A true bear story.

See, Connie and I honeymooned
up at this very same lake.

Big spender!

- We stayed at my uncle's cabin.
- Uncle George?

Yeah, that's right.

One night
we were getting ready for bed...

...and we heard this terrible noise
out by the trash cans.

You remember?
And, uh...

...I went downstairs to check it out,
looked out the window.

And there...

...was the biggest, baddest bear
in the North Woods.

- Sure, Dad.
- No, it's true. It's true.

This bear
was over eight feet high!

With big, white teeth.

Fangs...

...stained pink...

...from whatever it killed
before it got to our cabin.

It was frightening.

Frightening.

The paws on this thing
were immense...

...with big black claws...

...razor sharp...

...like Freddy Krueger.

Only worse. Worse, worse.

This wasn't a movie.

This was happening. This was now.
This was right in front of me.

And all that separated me
from that bear...

...was a pane of glass.

Honey, maybe we shouldn't
tell this story right now.

- Mom, it's fine.
- No, no. I'm thinking about nightmares.

No, no.
They have to hear this.

Like I say, it might save
their life one day.

Now I saw that bear.

It saw me.

And it was hungry.

Hungry for blood!

Human blood.

You see, once a bear
gets a taste for blood...

...it craves it...

...it needs it.

It will do anything it can
to get it.

That bear
had become a man-eater.

Our eyes locked.
My heart was pumping.

Pump, pump...

...pump, pump, pump.

I ran into the living room.
I grabbed the shotgun off the mantle.

Turned around, and there
was that bear right in the window.

Its breath
was fogging up the glass.

And suddenly it let out
this God-awful roar.

It started smashing on the walls.
Then the pots and pans started rattling.

And the walls started shimmering
and the floorboards started lifting.

I knew then that it was either the bear
or your mom and I.

So I raised the rifle,
I took aim and I fired!

- You wasted her?
- Nah, Benny, Benny, Benny!

A shotgun's not gonna kill
a monster bear like that!

Well, what happened?

The buckshot shaved the hair
clean off the top of its head.

It ran off.
We never saw it again.

Oh, I hear from my uncle
every now and then.

And he'd tell us about the bald-headed
killer bear that was roaming about the area.

The bald-headed killer bear...

...von Clare County.

- Is she still around?
- Oh! No, no, no. That bear's gone.

She may be out there.

Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever.

So when you go to bed tonight...

...if you hear a noise...

...whatever you do,
don't look out the window.

Because it might be the bear!

Jesus Christ! I'm half-drunk here, Chet.
What are you trying to do?

- Give me nightmares for a month?
- Come on, Roman.

I can't believe you, Dad.
All right?

- Oh, Benny, Benny, honey!
- Thank you.

Gee, I'm 25 pounds overweight. I
don't need a blast to the ticker like that!

I felt my plaque
start flowing again!

- Really inappropriate, Chet.
- What? It was a story!

Come on!

Oh, come on!
It was a kind of true story.

Part of it happened. I just
embellished a bit. Come on, kids!

Oh, what? What?
What is that look?

- Benny...
- So now I get the look.

- I was just trying to have some fun.
- Good night.

Oh, God!

So I made the fangs a little bigger.
Jeez.

I'm telling you, you got
nothing to be afraid of, okay?

I mean it.

Look, it's a story my dad told me,
and I'm sure his dad told him...

...and I'm telling you.
It's just made up.

One day you're gonna tell
your kids this story. You will.

I guarantee it.

Good evening.

How's it going?

Listen, girls...

...as your father...

...I feel it incumbent upon me
to set the record straight...

...on the validity of the tale which
Uncle Chet shared with us this evening.

I know that
a terrifying story like that...

...coming from the mouth
of a recognized authority figure...

...could be traumatizing
for kids like yourselves.

I know that because I had a similar
experience with my Uncle Roy...

...and a story he used to tell
about a family that went into the woods...

...and was attacked by a band
of escaped army psychiatric patients...

...who'd been subjected to violent, hellish,
torturous behavior-modification experiments.

It seems they escaped from the metal boxes
the army kept them in...

...found this family in the woods,
fell upon them...

...slaughtered them and ate them.

Now, that story gave me nightmares
not to be believed.

I don't want Uncle Chet's bear story
to upset you in the same way.

So I'm here to say
that there actually is no bear...

...and that all of what
Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn...

...spinning for our entertainment.

And even if there were a bear out there,
I'm in the house to protect you.

So, no more thinking
about bears, all right?

No more thinking
about unpleasant things.

We're gonna close our eyes...

...and dream about nice things.

About cuddly,
soft, fluffy things.

Okay?

Super.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Hey, kids!
New people in the loon's nest!

They have Illinois plates, Mom.

If they're from Chicago,
we'll be eating good.

Lobster tails!

A shitload of raw hot dogs!

You know what they're made of?

Lips and assholes!

Honey?

Chet?

Where are you?

Oh, God!
That's rotted.

Hello. Jerry Asmuth, please.
Roman Craig.

Yeah, I can hold,
but not for too long.

I'm in God's country here.
My signal's kind of weak.

- Honey?
- Yes, Roman?

Why is it Chet's kids
look at him like he's Zeus...

...and my kids look at me
like I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears?

I mean, why can't they
connect with me?

Well, honey,
maybe if you spent less time at work...

...and a little more time with us,
things would be different.

Put a cork in it, honey.
Talking business. Jerry.

Yeah, Roman.
How are you?

Listen, I'll save us a lot of trouble now
and cut right to the chase.

I got an unbelievable
investment opportunity for you.

You got about three minutes
and 25 grand? Jerry?

Did you hear what I said?

Lost the signal here.
These cellular phones, they don't work.

- Well, maybe he hung up on you.
- Why would our minister hang up on me?

- I've been to his church.
- Oh, yeah! Once!

All right!

How about that, huh?

We're gonna be scraping the bugs
off our teeth with this baby, Ben!

That's too much boat.

- Look...
- It's too much.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure. Are you hungry?

Give me four chili dogs
and two plain dogs, please.

- That's six hot dogs, Dad.
- It's for everybody, all right?

And I'm hungry.

- So?
- Oh, yeah.

Do you mind if I just walk around for
a while? You know, cruise the town?

I can walk back when I'm done.

All right, but promise me when you get back
we're gonna spend some time together.

- Right.
- That's why we're up here, you know.

- I know.
- That's the point of this trip.

- Right.
- To be in the woods.

The men, the guys, together.
Rugged, manly, all that stuff.

- The full nine yards.
- Exactly.

- All right?
- Right.

- Give me a hug.
- What?

- Give me a hug, will you?
- Dad...

- Come on.
- I'm too old for hugs.

You're never too old for hugs.

- Can I go now? Thank you very much.
- Go, go, go.

If you meet any friends, bring them back.
We'll give them a ride in "Suck My Wake".

God...! Great.

You've got it in neutral!

It's okay!

It's in neutral!
You gotta put it...!

- Okay.
- Dad, I'll figure it out.

Just give me the skis already.

I'm sorry, I forgot.
You're a professional skier already.

You don't need any notes
on this, huh?

You don't need any help from somebody
who might know a little about skllng.

- We're gonna go over it one more time, okay?
- Fine.

- Come on, this is important, Ben.
- Okay!

What are we doing sitting here?

You know, he's teaching the kid,
giving him lessons.

- Wants Benny to be safe.
- Lean back. There you go.

- Doesn't that feel better?
- Yeah.

There you go. Okay, we're leaning back.
Okay, now there's trouble.

- What?
- Trouble. There's some trouble.

Come on, Ben, what are we gonna do?
Let go of the rope.

How many times have I told you?
Let go of the rope.

If you're in trouble, let go of the rope.
Remember, go loose when you fall.

- Loose.
- All right? Just go loose.

- What is he doing?
- I don't know.

- I don't know, he's shaking.
- Some kind of a new dance or something.

- Okay, hold this. Thanks, Dad.
- Fix your vest up.

- I can't tell you...
- Are we gonna ski or what?

...how important this is.

Hey, let's go! Ski or flee.

Honey, he's waving.

- Ah, he's good.
- He's going.

- All right.
- All right. Great.

Hey, Dad, let go of the rope!

Help me, for God's sake!

Holy shit!

Oh, no!

Wow!

Wow!

You bastard!

- You bastard, Roman!
- What's he saying?

- You bastard!
- What's he saying?

- "Faster".
- "Faster"?

Go faster!

Hi!

Roman, what the hell
are you doing?

I love to see him relaxing!

I'm dead! I'm dead!
I'm dead! I'm dead!

I'm dead!
I'm dying! I'm dying! I'm dying!

I'm dying!

I'm alive. I'm alive.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Ah, no!

- What are you doing?
- What's it look like I'm doing?

I am not taking any more
of Roman's crap.

If you like him, you stay with him,
'cause I'm through. I'm out of here.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What happened that got you so crazy?

- "What happened?"
- Yeah.

- Come on! "What happened?"
- Yeah.

How about Roman dragging me
all over the goddamn lake?

How about that for starters, huh?
Not bad, huh?

- Have you seen my ass lately?
- No, not recently.

Well, I'll be picking splinters out of it
from now until the day I die!

Oh, honey, come on.

Oh, you find that funny?
Yeah, that was hysterical, wasn't it?

No, it wasn't really funny,
but because I love you, it was.

- God... Thanks a lot!
- Come on. What about the kids?

What about his kids?
Let's talk about his kids.

His kids, they're spooky,
all right?

I'm waiting for their heads
to rotate around and vomit pea soup.

I mean our kids.

- Our kids already do that.
- What about this father-son thing?

You're gonna leave, you're gonna pack up?
Come on!

The guy's driving me crazy!

You're a big man. And you're a nice man.
And you're above all this.

- Oh, don't.
- Hey, you are.

- Oh, come on.
- I know it to be true.

All right, don't! Don't. Don't!
Come on, I'm mad. I'm mad.

All right, all right, what are you saying?
I'm being silly?

Crazy! Stop.

- Why do you always do this to me, you know?
- I'm crazy about you. Kiss me.

- Do you feel better?
- I do, and I'm sorry.

I just feel like a little kid.

- Okay.
- I feel a lot better.

Why did you do this?
Why now? I was ready to go!

Why, why, why?
I was almost in the car!

Now I've got to spend
a week with Roman!

Come on. You're gonna have fun
from now on in, I promise you.

Roman's making goat cheese pizza
and we'll take it over to the lodge.

He's making what?

- What did you say?
- Pizza?

No, you didn't say pizza,
you said something else.

- Big man pizza.
- What are you hiding?

- Big pizza!
- You don't have to hide from me.

- Tell me what it is.
- Pizza.

You said a "goat" in there.
Is he making goat pizza or something?

What is this?
Hey! Come here. Connie!

Roman, I got a few things
to gnaw over with you.

What's going on, Wally?

I found your youngsters
inside the mine perimeter.

What mine?

There's an old mica mine
on the other side of the property.

It's full of boreholes and sinkholes
and pits, caves, hollows.

The war shut the facility down.
It's never been reopened.

Anyway, the kids go there
and they yell down the hole...

...so they can hear
their voices echo.

I'm not gonna tell you
what the teenagers do there.

- I'll bet!
- Tell Ripley, too, huh?

Done.

Take care of them, Roman.

We got a shot to see a female
Elvis impersonator over in White Water...

...and you want to wish happy birthday
to a guy you never even met?

You want to go to White Water,
go to White Water.

As for me, I find it more interesting
to pay my respects...

...to a man who's had the courage
to live on this earth 109 years.

You know, he's the oldest living man
in Canada, kids. Isn't that something?

Personally, I'd rather see
a 46-inch bust singing "Burning Love".

Yeah!

Hey, Wally!

- How you doing?
- How about a nice club soda, please?

I'm driving tonight.

Nice outfit!
You're Mr. Coordinated tonight, huh?

- Well...
- Quite the look on you.

Well, the pants are riding up the butt
something fierce...

...but I'll get by.

Say, Wally, what's the bear dump
situation like?

We got a good one.

Good evening, sir.
Happy birthday.

He must be hard of hearing or something.
Try again.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Do you speak English?

Our sincerest
congratulations, sir.

- You wishing Mr. Tompkins a happy birthday?
- Yeah, Dad, about 100 times.

I don't think the guy can hear us
or something. He's deaf.

How about a nice group photo, huh?
Give me your camera.

All right,
everybody get in there.

- What do I do, push the red button?
- Just the red button, Dad.

- How do you focus?
- You don't focus.

- You don't have to focus?
- No. Just push the red button.

Chet, I don't like them youngsters
climbing around Mr. Tompkins like that.

He ain't no jungle gym.

All right, girls, why don't you kiss
Mr. Tompkins on the cheek?

- A nice kiss on the cheek.
- No.

Come on, it's cute.

What old man wouldn't like
a little girl kissing him on the cheek?

A dead one.

Bill died in the car
on the way over here.

- Jesus, Dad!
- Go wash, go wash, go wash!

- I touched him!
- In the bathroom. In the bathroom.

- How could you do that?
- I didn't do that. He did it.

You're disgusting.
Kids?

That was a real good shot.
That was really, really good.

What the hell...?

Hey, you gave her a world-class goose
with the pool cue, Buck.

She's so cute!

Violent, but yeah, cute.
You got chalk right there.

- Look, I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
- What about the bear dump?

Hey, it's crowded.

Hey, this is great.

- Yeah, Dad.
- See, a lot of people are hip to this.

Oh, yeah...

Hey!

All right.
Look at those bears!

Huh? Are you scared or what?
Look at the bears!

- They're great, Dad.
- "They're great, Dad. "

I've got a great idea.
You're gonna see some bears.

Dad?

Here you go.
Nice Zagnut.

Yeah! Come on.

Come on.

Come on! More!

Come on. Here's some more!

Jeez. Boy, he likes those.

Now we'll get some action.

Big head on him.
Whoo, boy!

Easy, easy, easy there!
Easy!

Hey, come on,
watch the paint job.

Hey!

Look at the size of those teeth.

- Hey, shoo! Go on!
- Dad, I wouldn't do that.

All right. You may be right.
Yeah, he's looking at us.

He's not finished, that's it.
When he finishes, he'll go.

- He's a pretty big bear.
- Very big.

Yeah.

Just let him eat his candy bar.

Hi. How you doing?

Whoa, jeez...

Ah, jeez. All right,
all right, all right. Okay.

Let me rethink this.

Hey! What the hell?

All right...

I've... I've told you
I loved you, right?

- Yeah.
- Good, good.

What do you say
we call it a night, huh?

Holy jeez!
Oh, boy. Oh, boy...

We started something.

- Let's call it an evening.
- Yeah, I'm tired.

- Me, too. Me, too. Yeah, let's just go.
- Yeah.

That didn't scare him, Dad.

I'm gonna move now.
I'm moving now!

All right, I'll just drive out.

He'll jump right off, son.
Don't you worry.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

Isn't it illegal to drive
with a bear on your hood?

I don't know in this state, son.
Look, I just don't...

Yogi and Boo Boo in the flesh.

I wish to hell Ranger Smith
would get out here and get us home.

Hey, easy on the roof, pal.

We should've brought
Uncle Roman's car.

Knock, knock.

You didn't give me a chance
to apologize.

- Can I sit down?
- I don't own the park.

Look, um...

- I just got here. I'm from...
- Chicago.

- How did you know?
- Look, it's no big trick, dude.

Live all your life in this town,
it becomes like second nature.

Guess this means that
I met my first local.

You don't know how local I am.

You know...

It's...

It's a really beautiful town.
I mean...

It's a hole in the earth.

Look, why don't you just save your breath?
I'm not a tourist attraction.

What did I do?

Hey, Dad.

- How you doing, handsome?
- What are you doing down here?

Getting a breath of night air.

Hey, you wanna take a spin
in the rowboat?

- Right now?
- Yeah, what the hell?

- In the dark?
- We'll check out some stars.

- I don't know, Dad.
- Come on. Let's do something.

You know, we're here.
Let's go. Come on.

Come on.
I'll let you row.

- Oh, great.
- It'll be fun.

Yeah...

Boy, what a beautiful sky!

Smell that air.
Isn't that something?

That's the old city
in your lungs.

Get rid of that.
You're getting the good air in there now.

You know, one day you're gonna be
coming up here with your kids.

- Yeah. Maybe.
- I want to give you something.

Dad, you're not gonna kiss me
in the boat under the moon, are you?

I'm not gonna kiss you.
I'm gonna give you my ring.

- Why?
- Why? Because...

...my father gave it to me,
and now I'm giving it to you.

You're grown up now.
You deserve it.

So, like...

You and I coming up to the woods
is like your father bringing you here.

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah. I understand.

Thanks for the ring.

Rocks on top of the cans.

That never works.

We'll just knock the cans over.

Of course we will!

Can I stay up again and watch
the big guy rake up all the mess?

How you doing... Cammie?

Can I help you?

I don't know.
What's the house specialty?

Where am I supposed
to put the tray?

From the way you spoke to me last night,
I'm sure you can think 100 good places.

I'm sorry about that.
I was in kind of a bad mood, okay?

Don't worry about it. Happens
to me all the time. It's no big deal.

But that doesn't mean
I didn't mean what I said.

- For the most part, it's true.
- Wait. You don't even know me.

How can you say
that's true of me?

- It's a safe assumption.
- Excuse me.

- Can we get some service over here?
- Yeah, I'll be right there. Just a sec.

- Look, I gotta go. Okay?
- What time do you finish work?

- 8:00.
- 8:00?

And where are you gonna be
after work at 8:00?

I'll be around.

- Can I see you?
- Yeah, if you can find me.

I got you! I got you!

Come on, Chet!
Better ride up here!

If you trail behind,
the Indians will get you.

- Come on, honey.
- Uncle Roman, wait for Dad!

- Dad, hurry up.
- Oh, boy...

Watch out for those Wisconsin rattlers
or wild boar.

Honey, come on!

- Wait up, you guys.
- Come on.

Hey, come on.

Hey!

Easy. All right. Okay.

Okay, have it your way.
I'll just get off.

Here we go. You all right?
Okay, let's go. We'll walk it. Come on.

Come on! Let's...

Hey. Easy, easy.

Now, let's just walk
back to the stable. All right?

I'm walking, you're walking.
Let's have a nice easy walk. Come on.

All right. All right.
That was your last chance.

That's it.
Have it your way.

I don't wanna do this, but you
forced me to. Remember that.

I hate to do this to you.

Normally, I'm not a mean person,
but I'm a...

Hey! Come back here!
Son of a bitch!

I tell you that baby I was riding
was a purebred.

Purebred mule horse.

You rode it like it was.

Hey, I'm telling you,
that baby was bred for packing.

Honey, you're a stud.
You look great on that horse.

- Here he comes.
- Where's our pal? Where is he?

Oh, my gosh! Hi, honey.

He lost his mount.
Hey, how you doing there, trooper?

Where's that ball-slapping nag
you were riding?

- He looks a little worse for wear, doesn't he?
- You okay, Dad?

- I'm okay.
- Did that horse buck you off?

What happened? You got hungry
and had to eat the nag, huh?

- Let's go home.
- What did he say?

- I think I'll go home.
- You go home?

- Yeah.
- Home?

We've got a whole day of
activities planned. A little nap.

- No, come on!
- Oh, yeah.

- Aw, come on!
- I'm fine.

- A little nap. I'm okay.
- Hey!

Yeah, I know muskie's
the big-deal fish up in these waters...

...but you come with me up to the
Norfolk Canyon off the coast of Virginia...

...I'll strap you
into a fishing chair...

...and let you hook into
a 1,000-pound blue marlin.

Buddy, you're gonna know what fishing's
all about with a capital "F".

You'll have to excuse
my brother-in-law.

He gets a couple cocktails into him,
he becomes an expert on everything.

I don't need cocktails for that.
Was that a shot?

No, that was the truth.

- That was a shot!
- That was a shot.

Speaking of shots, set us up.

- This guy's a riot.
- Isn't he, though?

- Everybody loves him, right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

By the way, Herm, you make
a lot of tips on this job?

- Well, I do all right.
- Who's handling your investments?

My wife's got some egg money
put aside.

But she's a real bear.
Won't give it up to me.

Yeah. Well, I'll take her phone number.
I'll change that.

Believe me, that's what I do for a living.
Investments is what I do!

How you doing?

Well, it ain't raining.

It ain't raining,
so that's good.

Yeah, I guess so.

- You fellows met Reg?
- I don't think so. How you doing?

Roman Craig.
Pleased to meet you.

Chet Ripley.
How do you do?

That's quite a hairdo
you got going there, Reg.

- That a neo-skunk thing or...?
- Roman, what are you...?

- He's got the hair.
- You don't have to say anything.

His hair turned white
'cause lightning hit him.

He's been struck by lightning.
How many times is it now, Reg?

- Six... Six...
- Six times!

Sixty-six times.

In... the head!

66 times!

God...!
That's gotta hurt!

You'll never meet a guy more tuned into
the barometric pressure than Reg is.

Yeah. You see him running like hell
for home, you head for cover.

Right, Reg?

Hey, buddy, you pay for the drinks.
I gotta go to the john. I'll be right back.

Gonna introduce Mr. Thick Dick
to Mr. Urinal Cake.

Aw, jeez, Roman,
do you have to be...?

What I really want to say is
thank you.

This is very important
to Roman and me.

- I miss you, Connie.
- Oh, honey.

- It's so lonely being wealthy.
- I wouldn't know about that.

No, no, I mean it, honey!
I mean it. It is lonely.

He works terrible hours.
Travels.

There'll be times we'll go a month
without going to bed together.

Really, a month?
That long?

Sometimes I think the only way
I'll get any pleasure...

...is by leaning against the washer
during the spin cycle.

Does that really work?

Have you ever seen
whiter whites?

When do you go back to Chicago?

Three days.

You know, I've never had a boyfriend
for longer than two weeks.

Get out of here.

That's why I was such a bitch
to you that first night.

- No, you weren't a bitch.
- Yes, yes, I was.

It's no big deal.
Don't worry about it.

That's why I don't understand
what I'm doing here with you.

Look, I've never even
had a girlfriend.

I mean, I've dated girls, but, you know,
I never had one I'd call my girlfriend.

What would you call me?

Officially?

Girlfriend?

And you're leaving in three days.
See what I mean?

Yeah.

Well?

Well what?

- What, what, what, what?
- It touched me!

It's been touching you for 12 years!
You never freaked!

- Not you!
- What?

- A thing!
- What thing?

What's going on, for God sakes?
What is it? What is it? What is it?

That thing!

It's just a little sparrow.

Come on, Roman, it's got ears!

Jesus!

Jesus Marie! It's a tiny flying mouse,
not a grizzly bear.

I am not going back in there
until you get it out.

- All right. We'll get it out. Chet?
- What?

Run down to the shed, get a shovel. Go
in there and get that radar-guided vermin.

Yeah.

- Why me?
- Well, it's your cabin.

- We didn't order one with bats.
- Well, you stay here too, you know.

You're the host.

- So, what?
- Stop fighting and go, go, go kill it.

- I don't think we have to kill it, mom.
- Kill it!

- No, Ben, it didn't do anything.
- It attacked me.

Okay, he's wimping out.
I'll have to take care of it.

I am not wimping, all right?
I'm just thinking.

There's a big difference
between wimping and thinking.

You want me to take care of the thing,
I'll take care of the thing.

I was just wondering who was gonna do it.
I'll do it. I'll take care of it.

Like to get some sleep.
That's what I'd like to do.

Afraid of a little bat...

- So?
- It buzzed me.

We need a plan.

It's bigger than I thought.
It's about a two-pounder.

- Two-pounder?
- Yeah, big wings.

- Wow.
- It's got the teeth.

- Terrible. It's frightening.
- Wow.

I think we have to...
We have to do something.

What we need, Roman, big plan, big plan.
That's what we need.

We'll have this little baby
squealing mayday by midnight.

All right. Let's split up.

- Do you see him?
- He's hiding.

- I know that.
- Turn out the lights.

- Why?
- He's nocturnal.

He'll think
it's daytime like this.

Good point.

- Now we got him.
- Come on, you little sonar-guided rodent.

- Connie, bats carry rabies, don't they?
- Yeah, among other things.

What? Do they?

I'm gonna call him.
I'm gonna call him now.

- Okay, okay, just be still.
- All right.

- Are you kissing him or calling him?
- No, I'm calling him down.

That's just the sound they make.

- The high-pitched squeal.
- Okay, okay.

Right there. Right there, Dad.
Look up! Look up!

I got him!

Think fast! Think fast!

- Get the light on him!
- Dad, keep your eye on the bat, okay?

Look at that thing move!

Christ almighty!
Oh, jeez, my head!

Oh, my head.

- Where is he?
- I don't know!

He's in the rafters!
He's refueling!

- Where are you? Where are you?
- Right here!

- He's on my face! He's on my face!
- Hold still!

Honey...

We got it!

- We got it!
- Oh, the pain.

- Chet, we got it!
- Ooh, that had to hurt.

What a fighter.
Boy, he was something!

I salute him!

But we gotta get some sleep.

Hey.

- Glad to see you.
- Yeah. What time do you get off work tonight?

- 8:00.
- Great, I'll meet you at 9.00.

- Okay. Where?
- I don't know. You're the one who lives here.

- Um, the bait shop?
- Sure.

I'll buy you some worms.

- You won't ditch me?
- Wait a second. Why would I ditch you?

I don't know.
I'm waiting for it to happen.

Look, if I ditch you...

...you have my permission never to speak
to me as long as we both shall live.

- Promise?
- Promise.

I got to go.

- See you later.
- Bye.

- Yeah. That should do it. Yeah.
- I think that's a good idea.

All right. I'll have the Royal Canadian
Mounted beef barley soup.

- Ooh! Yeah.
- Yeah. And then that bucket of salad.

- Oh, I'll split that with you.
- You will?

- Yeah.
- All right, do that. That would help.

And then the...
I guess the medley of perch.

That's my favorite.
Okay.

Miss? What's the "Old '96er"?

Oh, that's our world-famous
Paul Bunyan's Blue Ox Steak.

It is a 96-ounce
prime-aged beef steak.

And if you or any member of your party
orders the Old '96er and finishes...

- ... everybody eats for free.
- Not bad, huh?

- Want to go for it, girls?
- Oh, Roman...

- How about you, Chet?
- People seem to like that.

- I'll try it. What the heck.
- Okay, great. Yeah, it sounds good.

Seriously, though,
has anybody ever eaten one?

No.
No, not in my lifetime, no.

Bon app�tit.

Oh, good God.

- Look at that.
- Check it out.

How is he?

That's good. Processing nicely.
Processing very, very good.

All right, continue.

All right.

I did it.

- I think that just about does it.
- He's not done yet.

Well, he may take a little while
with that last bite, but it'll go down.

- That ain't the last bite.
- Well, sure it is.

There's nothing on that plate
but gristle and fat.

- Oh, God, no.
- No problem.

Listen,
if I can get a dessert down him...

...you think you could throw in
a couple of Paul Bunyan hats for the kids?

Mind if I go now?

They'll be telling
their grandkids about this.

- Oh, boy! What a night, huh?
- Okay, but don't be too late.

Where's he going?

That Jimbo's not a bad guy.
I just had a word with him.

Here's the kicker...

Where're the garbage cans?

He probably put them
in the cabin.

Garbage in the cabin?

They're not the cleanest species
on the face of the earth, you know.

It's not a problem.
We'll just have to break in.

Can we do that?

What do you think we have these
wonderfully articulate fingers for?

To scratch our asses!

Shit!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, jeez.

Look at the size
of the maggots on that meat.

Oh, honey!

- Oh, my God.
- Honey.

Let's go, everybody, move it out.
It's 5 a. m.

Fishing boat's shoving off
in 15 minutes.

These are the biggest worms
I've ever encountered.

- They're not worms, they're leeches.
- Jesus! I am not touching leeches, Dad.

- No way.
- Cut it out. They don't bite.

- No. They suck blood!
- Ow! Would you watch the hook?

Dad, that's my hook.

- Where's the bins? Where's the flashlights?
- I don't know.

Right over there, behind you.
You owe me big for this one.

- Jesus.
- Very funny, very funny.

Gimme a leech, will you?
Has everybody got their leech?

- Yeah.
- Okay. All right.

On the count of three,
insert your hook. Ready?

One, two, three.

Oh, God!

- May I speak with Cammie, please?
- Oh, yeah, hold on just a minute.

Cammie, phone.

Cammie's busy waiting on cars right now.
May I take a message?

All right.
Just please tell her that Buck called.

Okay, fine, Buck.
Goodbye.

- Now what are you up to?
- What does it look like I'm up to?

- It looks like you're wanking your crank.
- I'm trying to build a fire, all right?

You might as well pour ice cubes in there.
You'll never get a fire going that way.

You don't crumple a newspaper up.
You twist it. Twist it.

Lengthwise to simulate kindling.
That's the way you get it going.

Maybe, Roman, just maybe
I'm trying to heat up the flue.

Oh, he's heating the flue.

Meanwhile the human beings
in the room are freezing to death.

- I'm really not cold. Not at all.
- Oh, thank you for sharing that. Thank you.

I'm so sorry, Roman.
Forgive me.

Why don't you come over here
and show me how to do it?

You talk a great game.
Come over. Let's see a little action.

After all, you know everything.

You know exactly what to do
at any given moment.

Katie, you were absolutely right.
We should have gone to Europe.

Or maybe even Haiti, or Antarctica.
Or the Dead Sea.

Would've had a lot more fun!

Is that a fact?

Well, nobody forced you
to come up here, buddy boy.

As a matter of fact, I don't remember
anybody inviting you up here.

Do you remember inviting him?

I sure as hell don't.

And what exactly is that
statement supposed to mean?

- You figure it out for yourself.
- No, no, no, you specify.

You clarify it for me. All right? Just as
a common courtesy, if you don't mind.

You know damn well
what he means.

I think they're trying to say
that we're not welcome.

What did I hear?
We've got a bingo!

You did figure it out, Kate.

So, now it's all starting to ooze out.
It's very interesting, isn't it, Katie?

Yeah, very.

Especially since we threw aside
our plans.

And we had a great European vacation planned.
Threw aside our plans to come up here...

...to show these dead asses how to start
to learn to have a good time.

Thanks for ruining
my vacation, Ripley.

What was that?

Ruining your vacation?
Is that what you said?

Oh, come on. I don't believe...
I don't believe I heard you say that.

- You'd better believe it!
- Don't push it, Roman!

You ain't even seen pushing yet!
You know the trouble with you, Ripley?

You wouldn't know a good time if it fell
out of the sky...

...landed on your face,
and started to wiggle.

Oh, you have an awful lot of nerve, Roman.
A lot of nerve.

It's served me well.
I'm the one with the Mercedes.

By the way, is it paid for?

- Are you jealous, Chester?
- Don't call me Chester!

Call me that one more time, you're gonna
go home with a dent in your forehead.

- Yeah! That'll be the day.
- Would you like one to match his?

Hey, take it off!
You wanna go right now?

Dad, Dad, Dad,
no one's denting anybody.

- Thanks, Bucky.
- Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!

- Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
- Why not?

- Because it's rude.
- Oh, blow it out your ass.

Roman, why don't we just get out of here?
Come on, honey.

- Come on, girls, let's go.
- Very good idea.

Well, it's the first good idea
you've had since you've been here.

And by the way,
don't steal any of our stuff.

- What stuff is there to steal?
- We've got stuff!

- You're a louse!
- Oh! Well, go find yourself a spin cycle.

Yeah, go find yourself
a spin cycle.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Never mind, honey.

- All right, calm down, calm down.
- Okay.

Dad?

Yes, Ben?

Does this mean we won't get
a Christmas present from Uncle Roman?

- Oh, blow it out your ass, Ben!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Nobody's blowing anything
out their ass. Okay?

What we're having here
is a little problem.

And your father and I... It does not mean
we don't love Uncle Roman and Aunt Kate.

It just means that
we are having some emotions.

What it means is I would like to blow Uncle
Roman out my ass! That's what it means.

I don't want to hear anymore about anyone
blowing anything out their ass.

You might as well blow the whole family
out your ass while you're at it, Dad.

Ben, do you understand
what's going on here, son, huh?

Do you understand what your mother
and I are trying to say?

Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman
are incredible butt heads. Right?

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

All right, troops, mount up.
We're ready to roll.

You all packed?

Actually, I just took a moment
to think things over.

And I'm gonna tell you something
I had previously decided not to.

I came up here for a reason.

Chet, I came up here to talk
to you about an investment.

In fact, I'll be quite honest,
I came up to solicit $25,000 from you.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it.

Hey, look. A unique
investment opportunity came my way.

I'm sitting in the office
trying to figure out a short list...

...of the people I'm gonna bless
with this opportunity, and I say bless...

...because this is so good and so sure,
it should be illegal.

- And it probably is.
- Well, it's not.

It's inside,
but it's not illegal.

Well, the upside is phenomenal,
the downside is zip.

As I was sitting there thinking about people
I might want to involve in this venture...

...well, your name came up. Why?
Because you are blood. You're family.

If a guy can't help his family,
what the hell good is he?

Fact is, Chet, I came up here to offer you
a chance to make some really big money.

Well, it's funny
you didn't mention this before.

- You didn't want to talk about money!
- Oh, baloney!

- Hey, look, I was picking my moment.
- You were picking your nose.

Now, there's no
mystery here, Chet.

- I know how you really feel about me.
- Do you?

Yep.

I knew if I was ever to give you something,
you'd figure there'd be strings attached.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah, that's a fact.

At our wedding...

...you were in the john with Kate
and Connie's dad. You were talking.

Do you happen to remember
the substance of that conversation?

- No, I don't.
- Yeah? Well, I do.

It's one I'll never forget.

Because I heard you say,
and I quote:

"That Roman Craig
is a crooked son of a bitch. "

The next time you stab
somebody in the back, Chester...

...you better check
under the stalls for feet.

You know, you may think I'm made
out of armor and nails, man...

...but I'm just like
any other human being.

And when I get cut, it hurts.
And that cut me.

And I hurt.

Roman, I'm...

I'm sorry. I...

I had a lot to drink that night.

And I really don't remember
saying that.

But if you said I did...

...then...

...I must have.

I apologize to you both.
It was a terrible thing to say.

Look, I don't hold grudges
and I don't have any hard feelings.

To show you I'm the kind of guy
that can forgive and forget, well...

...I'd still like to offer you
a piece of that investment.

You're sweet.

I don't know what to say,
Roman. I... I...

I feel like a real idiot.

- What exactly is this thing again?
- That's $25,000. What's your cash position?

It isn't $25,000.
That's an awful lot of money.

Well, can you get it?

No.

I think I can make an arrangement or two
at the bank on Monday, if that's okay.

Hey, look,
now, whatever you want to do.

You can write a check now
for as much as you can cover.

I'll make up the difference,
and we'll square it away on Monday.

If that's okay with...
Is your checkbook in the purse?

- Yeah.
- Great. Okay. Then that's fine.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Well, I think it's a real testament
to the strength of the family...

...that we can disagree
so vehemently...

...and get on each other's nerves
so badly over the past week...

- ... and still part on good terms.
- Absolutely.

After all the disagreements
that you and Chet had...

...you still thought to include him
in that investment.

And, you know, I thought it was
a wonderful moment of trust on his part...

...that he wrote you that check.
That's a lot of money for him.

From what I gathered from Connie,
it's probably half a year's salary.

I wouldn't be surprised if that
was Ben and Buck's college money.

You know, you have
a knack with money...

...and I think it's great
that you're sharing it with him...

...and I think it's great
that he accepted your offer.

That he trusts you
with his financial well-being.

Oh, I hope this investment
really works out for them.

- I gotta go back.
- What, did you forget something?

Honey, you're scaring me.
Are you all right?

I'll be all right
once I settle this.

Roman, what are you doing?

- Katie, sit down.
- What?

Katie, you'll need to sit down
to hear what I have to say.

- Oh, gee, it's wet!
- Hurry up!

Let's go.

Chet, I'm gonna level with you.
I'm a phony. I'm a fraud. I'm a fake.

From my $15 imitation Bally slip-ons
to our replicated Rolexes.

We're broke, we're bankrupt,
we're busted.

We're busted?

We were living well, right?
Well beyond our means.

I'm full of shit, Chet.
I haven't been trading in over two years.

This deal came up. It looked good.
I got overextended...

...couldn't meet my calls.
I lost my seat on the exchange.

I go to work every morning.

But now I wear a blue runner's jacket
and fetch coffee.

I lost everything.

Why didn't you tell me?
Did you think that I wouldn't understand?

Baby, I knew you'd understand.

I also knew you wouldn't let me come up
here and put the bite on Connie and Chet.

It was my only last hope.

Now, look, Roman. Now, you
know I never turn my back on family.

I know.
That's why I came up here.

And by the way, that story about you
and your brother in the can at the wedding?

I made it up.

You what?

You made it up?

All right, all right.
I got it, I got it.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, what happened?

- Power's out!
- Where's the flashlight?

- Chet?
- What happened to the lights, Dad?

You kids been fooling around
with the flashlight?

Look at this. $110 for a lighter.
It doesn't even work.

79 cents.

Whoa! Hot!

Boy, I haven't seen weather
like this for years.

Roman, where are the girls?

- Have you seen them?
- Have you seen them?

No.

All right, spread out.
Let's look for them. Let's all just...

They're hiding under a bed
or something.

- Come on, it's this way!
- No, it's this way. I remember.

Look for a big hole.

We'll find them, Katie.
We'll find them.

They're gonna be all right.
They'll be okay. Don't worry about a thing.

I want you boys to stay here and look after
your mother and your aunt. All right?

- We'll help you.
- Don't give me any lip, okay?

- There's too much lightning out there.
- Here's the fence. Here's the fence.

Hey, wait for me!

Cara! Mara!

- Try this way.
- Okay.

Oh, there we go.

There we go.

There we go.

Great.

I can't see anything!

Oh, neat!

- No, I found it. I wanna go first.
- No, I wanna! I wanna!

Hello?

Hello?

Cara!

Mara!

Girls!

Cara!

- Mara!
- Girls!

- Cara!
- Mara!

Cara!

Mara!

Help! Help!

Put your light up there!

There!

Girls!

Girls, is that you?

Girls!

It's your Uncle Chet.
Are you all right?

- Help!
- We'll be right down! Go on.

- Not me.
- What?

I'm claustrophobic.
I get in a closed-up space and I lock up.

- What if I lose it?
- You won't lose it!

- What if I blow it?
- What are we gonna do?

- We gotta get some help.
- We don't have time! You can do it!

Roman, they're your children!
Be their father, for God sakes!

For the first time
in your life, be their father!

Now, come on!
Get in there and help your kids!

Girls, your dad will be right down.
Daddy's coming.

Let's go. Let's go.
You can do it. You can do it.

- All right.
- Okay, come on. There you go.

I'm gonna go get a light
and some rope. Okay?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Take it easy.

Don't think about anything like tight places.
Like a submarine or a coffin or anything.

- Come back!
- I'll be back!

- You come back!
- All right!

Oh, my little sweeties!

Oh! I love you.
I love you.

Chet!
Chet, they're all right!

"Apollo unicel"...

It's dynamite.

It's wet, old dynamite.

It's fine. It's fine.

Chet! Chet!

Ripley!

Okay. All right.
We wanna get outta here.

It's cold, it's wet, and you
don't want to stay here anymore, do you?

Okay, you hang onto Daddy
as tight as you can, all right? Okay?

Damn! Come on.

Big one. Big spider.
Big spider.

Okay, climb on, Cara.
Mara, get on your sister's back.

Okay, grab hold of my jacket.
Okay, hang on, okay? Hang on tight.

Okay, my babies?

Which way?

Hang on. We're almost there.
Almost there.

Oh, jeez, damn!

Come on.

Go, Cara, go!

Let's just go back to the cabin.

Your mother's probably
worried sick about you.

Here we go! Okay.

Hang on. Hang on.

Roman! Girls! I'm back!

I got everything!
I'm here!

I'll have you out in a second!
Just a minute! Hold on!

I'm sorry it took so long!
I'll explain it all later!

Just a sec. Get off me!
I've got a rope!

You'll be fine! I'm gonna tie a loop
at the end of this thing, all right?

Then I'm gonna throw it down.

Then one at a time
I'll pull you up, okay?

Here comes the rope!
Watch your heads!

Here it comes!

All right! Have you got it?

Okay. Okay, you got it?
Good. Good. Okay.

All right, you let me know when you're
ready to come up, when you put it on, okay?

Then I'll pull you up.

All right. Fine.
You're ready. Okay.

All right, just a second!

Okay, girls, Uncle Chet's here.
Okay.

Roman, you could help on this,
you know.

All right!
One, two, three, go!

Hey!
What the hell are you doing?

When I say "ready," huh?
When I say "ready"!

All right. On "ready. "
Here we go.

Come on!
Help out a bit, will you?

Here it comes!
We'll be going home soon!

Roman and I are gonna have
a talk a little later on, girls.

We're gonna talk about
helping people.

Okay, here we go now.
Everybody help Uncle Chet!

Come on! Yeah!

We did it!
I did it!

A bald-headed bear!

Big bear!
Oh, my God!

I'm gonna die!
I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!

No, no, go away!

Leave me alone!

I gotta move faster!

Help! Help!

Help!

Hey, he's back, everybody!

Chet!

- Hi!
- Where the hell were you?

- Come on in. I'm making you a sandwich.
- Hi, Dad.

Big! Big! Whoo, big!

Big?
All right, I'll make a big one.

- Big bear!
- Big bear...

No! True! True!
Out there!

We're glad you're home, honey.

- Big bear chase... Big bear chase...
- What is he saying?

- What?
- Big bear chase me!

Upstairs!
There's a bear!

Oh, my God!
Oh, God!

Oh, get off me.
Get off, you son of a bitch!

Roman! Roman!

Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

My God! Protect us!

Hold on.

Mom...

- Oh, no!
- Connie, stay down! Stay down!

Hit him with the poker!
Hit him!

Look out, Roman!

Big bear.
Big bear chase me.

Chase me!

Oh, thank God you're here!

- Yeah, I'm here.
- Shoot him! Shoot him!

- That's a goddamn lamp!
- But it's loaded.

I can't hold on much longer!

Shoot him!

Oh, right in the...

- Okay, let's roll!
- All right.

I can't believe that
I'm actually gonna miss this place.

- Uncle Chet?
- Yes, sweetheart?

- I had a really good time.
- Oh, well, I'm glad.

Thanks, Uncle Chet.

My pleasure, sweetheart.
I hope you had a great time.

'Cause we had a nice time having you,
and we're gonna miss you.

Will I see you soon?
And don't drive too fast. All right.

- Take your seats, in the trunk.
- Roman, knock it off.

Cammie, if you're out there...

...I just want you to know
I don't blame you for hating me.

Do city boys
always talk to themselves?

Look, I'm really sorry.

I want you to go back to Chicago
a crazed, lovesick maniac...

...who won't be able to look at
another girl without comparing her to me.

Sounds good to me.

- You're a good man. You're the best.
- You're not so bad yourself.

You drive safely.

Thanks.

- Race you home.
- You got it.

"Race you home. "

Take care!

Bye, bye!

"Race you home. "

Why would he say "race me home"? I mean,
he lives way the hell out in Oak Park.

It's just till he gets on his feet,
honey.

I think you should be proud of him
not wanting to take your loan.

What are you saying?

- What are you saying?
- We have plenty of room.

- Connie...
- If he beats us...

- He is not staying at our house.
- If he beats us...

...he'll get the good spot
in the garage!

- To the memories.
- To the memories.

- Chester!
- Buckley!

Get the hell in the car!
We gotta beat Uncle Roman home!

Move it! Move it!
Move it, everybody! Let's go!

Why is Jody sitting in the lake?

You dind't hear?

She got shot in the ass!

Oh, no!

Don't tell me...

Yup...
She's bald on both ends now!