All language subtitles for One More Time - 01x03 - Chris Gets Hired.BAE.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,319 --> 00:00:02,300 As we all know, a certain someone 2 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,570 achieved a significant milestone recently. 3 00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:06,305 Keeran finally shaved that unsettling 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,306 peach fuzz off his upper lip! 5 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:09,541 - Oh! - Wow. 6 00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,210 As you can see, it's all gone! 7 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,444 - That's so much better. - Big day! 8 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,412 - Huge day! - Thank you, thank you. 9 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,315 What I was gonna say is our very own Jen Hauser 10 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,184 has qualified for the upcoming Olympics! 11 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,652 - Oh, yeah. - Oh! 12 00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,088 Wow. 13 00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,857 Feels like it got a little overshadowed, 14 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:25,995 but, uh, thank you! 15 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,459 In honour of your javelin journey, 16 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,728 and to show our support here at OMT, 17 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,430 we pooled our money together, and we... 18 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,965 Oh, man, this is great. 19 00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:34,933 You have no idea how expensive it's been... 20 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,602 ...ordered this life-sized cardboard cut-out of you! 21 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,704 Ta-dah! 22 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,439 - Wow. - Wow! 23 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,840 Really could have used the cash. 24 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,276 This will serve as a reminder to our customers 25 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,412 that our employees aren't just riff-raff off the street... 26 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,014 Our employees are Olympians. 27 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,084 Jen... 28 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,817 you're what dreams are made of. 29 00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,319 Jen, we are all so proud of you. 30 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:56,755 Now let's put this mama jama in a place of glory 31 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,923 where everyone can see, huh? 32 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,024 Yeah. 33 00:00:59,223 --> 00:01:00,225 Oh! 34 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,660 - Oh my God. - Oh. 35 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,761 No big deal. 36 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,563 Gonna take more than a bump on the noggin 37 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:05,931 to keep this champion down. 38 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,099 Ha! 39 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,835 - Oh! - Wow. 40 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:11,937 To Jen! 41 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,619 _ 42 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,830 _ 43 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,312 Is that a shot at us? 44 00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,181 I wouldn't read too much into it. 45 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:24,595 _ 46 00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:26,761 _ 47 00:01:26,762 --> 00:01:28,439 _ 48 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,093 _ 49 00:01:30,094 --> 00:01:31,394 _ 50 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,057 Okay, that felt personal. 51 00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:35,260 Appreciate the captions, though. That was a nice touch. 52 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,595 No, DJ, that was a slap in our faces! 53 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,498 We can't let him get away with this! 54 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,700 We could make an advertisement of our own. 55 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,769 I have gone over the financial implications and... 56 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,204 No, I say we Taylor Swift his sorry ass... 57 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,673 shoot a scathing revenge ad! 58 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:50,275 I'm with Wayne. Carlito wants beef? 59 00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:52,010 We take him to the slaughter. 60 00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:53,578 - Boom. - Okay, relax, alright? 61 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,213 We're not gonna shoot a revenge ad. 62 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:58,217 I'll just go talk to Carlito and ask him to take the ad down. 63 00:01:58,352 --> 00:01:59,418 He'll understand. 64 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,019 Carlito understand? 65 00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,221 He hates you! 66 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,555 I know. 67 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:06,291 The man holds a grudge like Alex Honnold holds a rock. 68 00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,028 Still, I gotta at least try. 69 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,533 Thank you for coming to Sports Dynasty. 70 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,734 Excuse me! 71 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,436 No, no, no, no, I have direct orders 72 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,171 to never let you step foot in here! 73 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,471 It's really no big deal, man. 74 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,808 I just gotta talk to Carlito for like one minute. 75 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,576 Look, man. I don't like this either! 76 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:25,910 I'm a pacifist at heart. 77 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,046 But you already know, Carlito has a strict... 78 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,215 "No DJ policy." Yeah, I know. 79 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,017 And I already lost my bathroom privileges 80 00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:34,385 after that dunk tank fiasco. 81 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:37,722 Man, this work environment sounds terrible. 82 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:38,857 Why do you do it? 83 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,859 I got rent, I got bills. 84 00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:43,929 Plus my son's starting hockey soon. 85 00:02:44,044 --> 00:02:45,050 That ain't cheap. 86 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,465 At least you get an employee discount. 87 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,466 You'd think so, but Carlito says 88 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,603 that security doesn't count, so no discounts. 89 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,339 And no birthday acknowledgements. 90 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,074 But birthdays are what makes us human. 91 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,010 That's what I said! 92 00:02:58,143 --> 00:02:59,144 Here... 93 00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,213 25% off anything at OMT. 94 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,513 Come by sometime with your son. 95 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,881 Whoa. Thank you. 96 00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,483 Don't forget to tell your friends 97 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,618 about Sports Dynasty. 98 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,752 Oh-ho! 99 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,354 Well, well, well! 100 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,322 If it isn't the gap-toothed gringo. 101 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,293 I just came by to say I saw the new commercial, 102 00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,094 and I'm sure it was an accident, 103 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,430 but it seemed like you were subliminally dissing OMT. 104 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,432 Nothing subliminal about it, son. 105 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,100 Shots fired! 106 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,569 Okay, we're doing this. You wanna step in here, or...? 107 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,939 - I'd rather not. - Smart man, Jerome. 108 00:03:27,034 --> 00:03:28,039 It's actually Chris. 109 00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,208 Looks like it's just you and me, payaso! 110 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,309 Ha ha ha! 111 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,878 Can't we just let sleeping dogs lie? 112 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,747 I would never forgive a dog who did me dirty from behind! 113 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,249 I didn't ask to be made manager over you, okay? 114 00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:39,718 I've apologized like a hundred times. 115 00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,919 Plus, you're doing great here at Sports Dynasty. 116 00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,990 Don't try to disarm my anger with facts and logic, bro! 117 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,525 Maybe do a re-shoot. Something less personal. 118 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,727 But it is personal. 119 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,933 And personally ruining you would make my ano. 120 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,468 Take a walk! 121 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,937 Vamanos, Tyrone. 122 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,143 Whoa. What is this? 123 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,546 Some sort of abstract display for the store? 124 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,748 'Cause those are typically done, you know, on the floor. 125 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,284 This, Jen, is a recording booth for my podcast, 126 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,652 "Formidable Failures." 127 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,553 Yeah, your booth looks like a formidable failure. 128 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,722 That's very cute. 129 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,757 So, wait, why are you doing this here? 130 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,891 Because my basement studio flooded. 131 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,893 Oh, you mean your basement studio apartment? 132 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:24,195 Yes, I do. And luckily, goalie pads 133 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,497 provide adequate noise cancellation. 134 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,299 I have a huge guest coming in tomorrow, 135 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,967 and this is the best I could whip up. 136 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,103 Hopefully no one comes in looking for goalie pads 137 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,204 in the meantime. 138 00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,838 Yeah, and once you go to the Olympics, 139 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:37,042 - I could have you on as a guest. - Oh, that's... 140 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,044 Ha. Ha. Ha. 141 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,578 Eh, that's good. 142 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,046 The retaliation video's on. 143 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,148 What? 144 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,083 You heard me. Carlito thinks he can muscle me? 145 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,385 I played puck for 13 years. 146 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,785 I got in 14 fights. 147 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:48,987 I broke a guy's collarbone once! 148 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,622 Damn, DJ! 149 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,656 It was an accident. 150 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,391 I was hugging my coach after a win. 151 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,259 I didn't know he had osteoporosis; 152 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,128 I still feel terrible about it. 153 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,897 The point is, I'm capable. 154 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,166 This is gonna be the "Hit 'em up" of commercials. 155 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,701 I don't know what that means. 156 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,336 I'll show you at lunch. It's vicious. 157 00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,471 Who's got a camera? 158 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,173 I got a phone. 159 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,507 Oh, terrific. 160 00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:11,043 That's why I [BLEEP] your [BLEEP]! 161 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:12,377 Here at One More Time sports, 162 00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:14,412 we're nothing like those big box [BLEEP], 163 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,681 those corporate greedy vultures [BLEEP] 164 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,049 who don't care about you. 165 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:20,285 All they care about is... [SUSTAINED BLEEPING] 166 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,753 When in reality, 167 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,888 they don't even celebrate birthdays! 168 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,493 What am I doing? This isn't me. 169 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,629 Yeah, I don't like this, DJ. 170 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:31,996 We can't stoop to their level. 171 00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:35,300 When Sports Dynasty goes low, we go high. 172 00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,068 Michelle Obama. 173 00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:38,336 - Hey, Chris! - Hi. 174 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,671 You came! 175 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,173 25% off? 176 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,541 I'd be a fool not to. 177 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:44,876 Take five, buddy. 178 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:45,879 Uh-huh. 179 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,846 Hey, little man. I hear you play hockey. 180 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,014 Yeah. 181 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,083 Oh, we do accept baseball and cricket bats... 182 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,118 - Mm-hm? - But, um... 183 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,186 What is this? 184 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,521 Paint. 185 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,189 Jen, could you take Keeran's Tuesday shift 186 00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,358 so he can watch the girls' volleyball practice? 187 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,060 Blue Bird? 188 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,195 The Hawk? 189 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,329 The what? 190 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,268 I thought I would never see you again! 191 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,071 Well, I busted outta the clink. 192 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,374 So, still kickin', huh? 193 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:17,976 After all these years, 194 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:19,945 that is all you have to say to me? 195 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,147 Well, what do you want me to say? 196 00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,684 That you look even more irresistible than I imagined? 197 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,685 Are you saying you imagined me? 198 00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:31,623 Every goddamn day. 199 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:34,492 You're gonna have to stub that stick, fella. 200 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,194 - You want a pull? - No. 201 00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:39,530 No, I haven't had a smoke since the Lorenzo job. 202 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,466 You remember that one, don't you? 203 00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,868 When we made love in the bank vault? 204 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:48,206 The only thing louder than our beating hearts were the sirens. 205 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:52,043 I am so sorry that I never visited you, Hawk. 206 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,246 I just couldn't bear to see you behind bars. 207 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,516 Writing that goodbye letter was the most excruciating thing 208 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,787 that I have ever done! 209 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,055 Did you get the polaroid that I sent with it? 210 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,658 - I beat my meat to it every day. - Hm! 211 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,494 I pulled enough rope to climb El Capitan. 212 00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:10,529 Nice. 213 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:15,867 So, do you want cash for these, or... 214 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,335 you doin' a trade-in? 215 00:07:18,159 --> 00:07:19,838 Trade-in. 216 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:22,674 I ain't ready to leave this angel yet. 217 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,080 Something on your mind, Patrick? 218 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:33,251 If you're not a fan of the CCMs, we got some Bauers, too. 219 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,287 What's the matter, Patty Cake? 220 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,355 It's just... 221 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,757 I don't know. 222 00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,527 I don't really want hockey skates. 223 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:46,664 Well, you need skates to play hockey. 224 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,700 I want figure skates, papa! 225 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,568 I've always wanted figure skates... 226 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,004 but I was too afraid to ask. 227 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:58,910 Hey, never be afraid to ask me anything, son. 228 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,780 I love you, 229 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:06,050 and I love any skates you choose. 230 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,952 Really? 231 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,140 Come here. 232 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,490 Ahh! 233 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,860 - I'm comin' in! - Oof! 234 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,363 I hope nobody has osteoporosis! 235 00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:20,031 Ah... 236 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,078 Morning. 237 00:08:29,443 --> 00:08:30,875 What's goin' on in here? 238 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,844 We're famous now, DJ. 239 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,812 I think it's 'cause I posted the footage 240 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:35,980 from yesterday. 241 00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,882 You wha...? That wasn't supposed to go out! 242 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,018 I said some terrible things I've been trying to forget. 243 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,786 You mean like [LONG BLEEP]? 244 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,955 - Boy, you are a sponge. - Don't worry. 245 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,490 I didn't post your rant. 246 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,892 I posted you with Chris and Patty Cake. 247 00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,627 You caught that? 248 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,963 Whoa, people are loving it. 249 00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:54,198 2.7 million views! 250 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,300 Nice! 251 00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:56,367 Wait... 252 00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:58,769 I hope Chris is okay with this. 253 00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,840 What's up? No more pad pod? 254 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,109 My guest just cancelled. 255 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,444 There's no way I can replace that calibre of failure 256 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,645 on such short notice. 257 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,047 What was so great about the guy? 258 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,582 He was the opposite of great. 259 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:11,983 Failed out of high school at 16. 260 00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,652 Went back in his 70s, failed again, 261 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,787 and the stress of that caused his marriage to... 262 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,588 ...fail. He was perfect! 263 00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:18,857 This must be very painful for you. 264 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,358 And I'd be getting all the details 265 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,827 if his stupid heart hadn't failed, too. 266 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,197 I need hockey tape now! 267 00:09:26,313 --> 00:09:27,318 What happened to you? 268 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,067 Some, like, dipshit brakes on a yellow, 269 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,002 so obviously I, like, ram into the back of him 270 00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,138 and I spill my pho everywhere. This totally soaks my phone. 271 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,039 I have to go to the store to buy rice 272 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,941 so that I can try to save my phone. While I'm in there, some asshole 273 00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:39,143 rams into the back bumper. So now I've got both bumpers of the car, 274 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,413 like, dangling like friggin' dingleberries! 275 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,915 I love berries! 276 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,283 Anyways, I have to fix it soon because chauffeurs have 277 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,552 this, like, totally draconian rule that you have to have 278 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,887 "both bumpers attached to your car." 279 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:50,989 It's, like, so stupid. 280 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,590 - I got this! - Uh, so we can... 281 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,725 Pardon me. 282 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,760 How would you like to be a guest on my podcast, 283 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:56,928 "Formidable Failures"? 284 00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,697 We do fails and bails on an epic scale. 285 00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,864 Ew, no. Hard pass. 286 00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,633 - Give you 20 bucks. - Oh, yeah, sure, done. 287 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,640 Okay. 288 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,802 Hey, hey! 289 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,704 - Hey! - There's my viral co-star. 290 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,438 - What? - Oh, you didn't see? 291 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,774 Yeah, we posted a video of you and Patrick buying skates 292 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:10,976 and it's blowing up. 293 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,111 I just wanted to make sure you're okay with that. 294 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,211 That's cool. 295 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,048 Explains why Patty was Mr. Popular at drop-off. 296 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,850 You bring 'em back to me. 297 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,352 See ya later, little guy. Muah! 298 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:25,723 I see the bargain basement buffoon is back! 299 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,859 You better get out of my face, Carlito. 300 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:29,994 Don't tinkle in your trousers, bro. 301 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,864 My beef isn't with you today. 302 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,933 I thought you were loyal to Sports Dynasty, 303 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,970 but you're nothing but a two-timing turncoat! 304 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,271 Hey, calm down, Carlito. 305 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,606 Chris didn't do anything wrong. 306 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,941 Calm down? 307 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,943 See, I'm loyal. I'm very loyal. 308 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,345 Oh, you think you're funny? Funny guy? 309 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,346 No. I mean, I do enjoy comedy... 310 00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:50,548 Here's a joke! 311 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,749 You're fired! 312 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,017 How 'bout that? 313 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,352 Just to clarify, is that a joke? 314 00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:56,488 "Is that a joke?" 315 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,956 Oh, you're a funny guy too, huh? 316 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,391 No, I'm genuinely unclear. 317 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,892 Well, check this out. 318 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,661 Knock knock! 319 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,562 - Who's there? - He's fired! 320 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,964 I'm starting to think you don't know what a joke is. 321 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,099 How 'bout this one? 322 00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:11,435 A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar... 323 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,570 and he's fired! 324 00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,973 Oh-ho, I'm so funny! Oh, snap! 325 00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,475 I'm sorry, man. 326 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,385 Okay, so what kind of failure 327 00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,854 are we gonna be talking about today? 328 00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,556 Uh, failure of democracy, 329 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,957 failure of free-market capitalism, 330 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,525 failure to launch, 331 00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,060 the hit rom-com starring Matthew McConaughey... 332 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,428 Yeah, who else was in that? 333 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,363 Uh, I think it was Sarah Jessica Parker? 334 00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:42,500 That's right, you put some goddamn respect on her name. 335 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,236 But no, it's actually far more personal than that. 336 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,474 So, have you ever shat your pants in public? 337 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,210 Oh my God, ew, no. What kind of question is that? 338 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,111 - That's the ice-breaker. - That's not an ice-breaker. 339 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,515 And no, I've never shat my pants in public. 340 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,883 I have. 341 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,219 But... DJ has. 342 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,455 Oh? Do tell! 343 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:08,827 Whoa! 344 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,628 Blue Bird! 345 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:11,763 You came back! 346 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,698 I knew you wanted me to. 347 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:14,966 But I can't linger. 348 00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,367 Run away with me! 349 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,769 Let's hightail it outta this whistle stop! 350 00:12:18,805 --> 00:12:20,004 Where would we go? 351 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,240 Wherever the wind blows us, baby. 352 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,642 Maybe Mexico. 353 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,977 Probably Winnipeg. 354 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,379 But... I'm not that person anymore. 355 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,182 I... I have a job and a loving family. 356 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,517 Ooh... 357 00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:35,386 You see, that sounds like a whole lot of commitment, sugar. 358 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,656 Now, imagine burning it all to the ground! 359 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,258 Doesn't that make your spine tingle? 360 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,659 Oh, it makes something tingle. 361 00:12:42,478 --> 00:12:43,994 But, I-I can't. 362 00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,063 - Hmm? - I found God. 363 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,531 Good for you. 364 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,002 The only thing I found was a shiv in my kidney. 365 00:12:51,301 --> 00:12:52,537 Oh! 366 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,940 Oh... blue bird! You kept it! 367 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,809 How could I not? 368 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:01,479 Please don't hate me, but... 369 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,617 Oh, you lengthened the wings and shortened the beak. 370 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,920 I couldn't handle the sight of a hawk... 371 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,055 so I made it a falcon. 372 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,224 I'll be back at 3. 373 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:16,827 If you ever loved me, you'll be ready to go. 374 00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,497 But my shift ends at 4! 375 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,165 Well... 376 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,334 I wanna avoid rush hour. 377 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,169 Oh. 378 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,579 No one else is getting this, huh? 379 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,248 I can't thank you enough for this job. 380 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:40,451 My aversion to conflict ends today. 381 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,122 I will be the best damn security guard OMT has ever had. 382 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,457 Well, you'll be the only one we've ever had. 383 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,792 For real? 384 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:50,128 I'm kind of against security guards on a philosophical level, 385 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,931 but, uh, if I'm gonna renounce my core belief, 386 00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:56,200 I'm happy it's for a great guy like you. 387 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,869 We got this. 388 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,472 I believe in you. 389 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,308 Hey! 390 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,542 Receipt! 391 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,511 You're the nice man from the video. 392 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,612 That's right, 393 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,814 and if this sticky-fingered sonofabitch don't show me 394 00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,282 his receipt right now, 395 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,218 nice guy from the video 'bout to snap his neck off! 396 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,153 Chris, you don't really have to do that... 397 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:18,289 I got you, man. 398 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,458 This other time, he's trying to impress a girl, 399 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,793 - so he's popping a wheelie on his bike. - Uh-huh? 400 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,739 Falls off. Immediate skull fracture. 401 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,563 Ah! 402 00:14:26,565 --> 00:14:29,100 This other time, he got locked in a bathroom stall 403 00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:33,304 for 24 hours and he had to drink toilet water to survive. 404 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:37,441 I mean, you could live without water for three days. 405 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,911 I know, he didn't need to! 406 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,380 It's actually hurting! Oof. 407 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,781 Okay... 408 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,384 But let's get down to his biggest failure of all, 409 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,985 going from playing pro hockey 410 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,921 to managing a used sporting goods store 411 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,789 in his hometown of Korverton, Ontario. 412 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,258 That's pretty pathetic. 413 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,560 What do we think happened there? 414 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,897 I'm sorry, what did you just say about my brother? 415 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,466 I, uh... what? 416 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,836 Who the hell do you think you are? 417 00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,037 I'm Wayne. 418 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,206 You must be as dumb as you look if you seriously think 419 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,276 that I'm gonna let some part-time OMT lifer 420 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,878 diss my big bro like that. 421 00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:15,279 I'm actually full-time. 422 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,616 I mean, what is missing from your pathetic, lonely life 423 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:22,286 that you reap so much pleasure from other people's pain? 424 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,161 This week's sponsor is Email Rat. 425 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:33,297 Uh, give an email to a rat. 426 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,169 You stealin' hand pumps? 427 00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,437 That's my puffer! 428 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,173 Then next time declare it before you enter 429 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,375 to avoid confusion! 430 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,380 I... This is why we conduct interviews. 431 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,116 And, oh, I don't know, check references! 432 00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:54,118 Come on, it's not that bad. 433 00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:57,188 Now who's just browsing?! 434 00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:01,158 Yeah... the forcible confinement's a bit much. 435 00:16:07,699 --> 00:16:10,001 There's no easy way to say this, 436 00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,203 but this security guard thing isn't quite working out. 437 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,671 What...? How so? 438 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,741 Well, for one, people don't want to shop in a police state. 439 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,210 And also, that tape you used to tie that guy up 440 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,345 could have ripped the hair right out of his arm. 441 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,480 I couldn't have done this much longer, anyway. 442 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:27,684 That level of aggression is spiritually draining. 443 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:28,886 I bet. 444 00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:32,290 FYI, that tape wouldn't have done any damage. 445 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,560 Clarke brand hockey tape doesn't adhere to human skin. 446 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,629 It's one of their selling features. 447 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:39,964 Huh, good to know. 448 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,232 Anyway... 449 00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,367 I'll bounce back! 450 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:48,272 Like Mario Lemieux when he was out with Hodgkin's lymphoma, 451 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,977 then returned and still won the scoring title! 452 00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,745 What an inspiration. 453 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:55,979 Well... 454 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,548 So long. 455 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,255 I'm taking these. Just put 'em on my tab. 456 00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,658 Hey, Nat. May I have a word? 457 00:17:08,604 --> 00:17:10,461 - Sure. - Yeah, I just want to thank you. 458 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:13,397 You know, you really got me thinking about my own shortcomings, 459 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,799 and how the glee I take in other people's pain 460 00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:17,268 is really just stemming from unexamined childhood trauma... 461 00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,469 Yeah, obviously. 462 00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,671 So from now on, I vow to turn the lens 463 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,474 away from strangers and onto myself instead. 464 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,476 Well, that's very mature of you. 465 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,678 - Well, all the best. - I didn't get it? 466 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,047 But being a fine dining waiter is my calling! 467 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,091 Ow! 468 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,418 Don't hang up! 469 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,754 Uh... 470 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,155 Geez, gosh, I hope he's not hurt. 471 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:43,494 Those sticks sure are a hazard. 472 00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:44,962 Are you still there? Hello? 473 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,564 Ah... 474 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,300 Okay, yeah, you know what? Just, you do you, dude. 475 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,305 - Go, go. - Oh-ho! 476 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,202 We've got a Wayne on the street segment 477 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,805 with "Formidable Failures" with a daily dose of schadenfreude. 478 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,508 Scale of 1 to 10, how is your shame right now? 479 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,576 - Huh? - Oh, and he's a wordsmith too! 480 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:00,711 My goodness! 481 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,151 Still won the scoring title! 482 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,954 Doesn't adhere to human skin... 483 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,323 A priest and a rabbi 484 00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:16,026 walk into a bar... 485 00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:18,930 Chris, wait! 486 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,898 You take that shirt off. 487 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,432 What? 488 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,471 And put this on. 489 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,840 - What? - You are not a security guard. 490 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:30,975 That much we know. 491 00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:33,410 But your positive attitude and your sports knowledge 492 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,347 make you a natural sales associate. 493 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:39,550 - Welcome to the OMT squad. - Huh! 494 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,620 - This has been a roller coaster of a day. - Yeah. 495 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,555 Oh, hey, Cynth. I re-hired Chris. 496 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,657 I know I should have run it by you first, but... 497 00:18:45,697 --> 00:18:47,290 Great, whatever! 498 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,328 Oh, come on! 499 00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,964 What's it gonna be, Blue Bird? 500 00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,231 It is a resounding... 501 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,300 On your knees, The Hawk! 502 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,071 Gah, impossible! 503 00:19:00,073 --> 00:19:01,338 How did you find me? 504 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,640 Our cyber team spotted you 505 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,508 in the deep background of a viral video. 506 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,243 I can't believe you recognized me! 507 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,645 I never forget the juicy booty of an ex. 508 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,114 Is someone shooting a movie here? 509 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:11,882 Shut up, this is the best part! 510 00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,952 Little Sparrow! My Medellin mistress! 511 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,256 How could you have betrayed me? 512 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,523 I was desperately in love with you. 513 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,525 Oh! 514 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,961 I had to keep my options open, Blue Bird. 515 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,463 - Are you Blue Bird? - I thought you were Blue Bird! 516 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:28,599 I would have done anything for you, Hawk... 517 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,401 until I found out you'd been cheating on me 518 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,802 with my twin sister! 519 00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,540 Hummingbird?! 520 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,008 How could this be? 521 00:19:38,144 --> 00:19:39,376 That was a twist! 522 00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:42,412 Cuff him. 523 00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,248 Run away with me! 524 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:47,218 I pleasure myself to you every day, both of you! 525 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,619 All of you! 526 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,487 Por favor... 527 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:57,828 What the hell was that all about? 528 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,330 What was what about? 529 00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,371 The majestic hawk soars through the air, 530 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,972 revelling in its freedom as it... 531 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,842 - Crazy day, huh? - Yeah! 532 00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:15,446 It's not every day the SWAT team busts a handsome whack job 533 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,514 going on about... insects. 534 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,249 - I think it was birds. - Oh, was it? 535 00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:21,485 I... I don't know. Hmm! 536 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,354 - You okay? - Yeah! 537 00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:26,724 Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good! 538 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:27,958 Thanks. 539 00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,726 Okay. 540 00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:30,928 DJ? 541 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,129 Yeah? 542 00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:35,532 Do you ever wonder if you made the safe choice 543 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,402 as opposed to the right choice? 544 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,604 I assure you, Cynthia, 545 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,539 you made the right choice. 546 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,480 ...and potential. 547 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,151 But even the hawk is not without its predators. 548 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,455 In one arresting swoop, 549 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,489 the eagle descends upon the hawk, 550 00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,025 tearing its heart out of its chest. 551 00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:07,364 As always, mother nature be wilin'. 552 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,599 Hm! 553 00:21:36,192 --> 00:21:38,157 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 38769

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.