All language subtitles for Midsomer Murders S06E04 - A Tale of Two Hamlets

(dramatic music)

(crowd murmuring)

(cameras clicking)

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Welcome to the opening ceremony

of the Ellis Bell Satanic Experience.

(crowd murmuing)

Now, 120 years ago, to this very day,

a young man named Ellis Bell
walked out of that house,

along that footpath, and
into their summer house.

There, he wrote a book that would put

our much loved village of
Upper Warden on the map.

The book was called, "The House of Satan".

Now, as we all know, a major movie.

(mystical music)

The part of Ellis Bell will be played

by the star of the movie and
another of Upper Warden's

most famous sons, Larry Smith.

- Larry.

Larry.

It's 5 grand in cash
for walking down a path

and into a summer house.

- I ain't wearing no bleeding rug.

- I've, put a little
surprise in there for you.

- What?

- A tiny soupcon of your favourite
Peruvian marching powder.

Hm?

So march your bleeding plates
down that bleeding path.

Know what I mean, son?

(Larry sighs)

(crowd murmurs)

(dramatic trumpeting)

(crowd applauds)

(cheering)

(explosion booms)

(crowd screaming)

(glass shattering)

(suspenseful music)

- Stop, Troy, stop.

We go down the hill, Troy.

- I thought we were going to Upper Warden.

- Yeah, we are.

Upper Warden is down the hill,
Lower Warden is up the hill.

- Well, that doesn't make any sense.

- Troy, this is Midsomer.

- Sorry, I forgot.

- A bomb?

- Semtex, or something of the sort.

I'm told you can buy it at car boot sales

if you know where to look.

- Triggered by what?

- Past experience, I'd say

some sort of remote control device.

- Where's our body?

- In a bag.

It was a big explosion, so
he was somewhat dispersed.

- Troy says I should recognise the name.

- Larry Smith.

- Nah.

Larry Smith.

- Why are you putting
on that absurd voice?

- Well, that's the way he used to talk.

He made his name in a TV series

about lovable East-end gangsters
called Diamond Geezers.

- Was it famous?

- Never out of the tabloids.

Usual stuff, birds and booze.

You know.

- So what's a famous Diamond Geezer

doing in a stately home like this then?

- Apparently, he was the vicar's son.

(regal classical music)

- Here comes the bogeyman.

(phone ringing)

Mike, what's the story?

Oh.

- [Simon] So, what do we tell him?

- We maintain the family tradition.

- We tell him the truth.

- That isn't at all what I said.

- Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.

Ah.

- Rupert Smythe-Webster.

- How do you do?

- Please, accept my deepest sympathy.

- Oh.

Noted and appreciated, Inspector.

We kept you a seat.

- Thank you.

- So, let me tell you who everybody is.

My younger brother,
Simon, his wife, Laura.

Oh, and over there is my youngest brother,

who will join us when
it suits him, I guess.

- Yes, yes.

- Me, darling.

- (scoffs) Forgive me, Inspector.

This is my third wife, Wendy.

- Fourth.

- Fourth.

- And Larry Smith was your son?

- Yes, he was my son.

- We brought him up as
Lawrence Smythe-Webster.

Larry Smith was a creature
he invented after he left.

- That is not entirely fair.

- Oh, this is my youngest
brother, Francis,

Inspector, who answers to Frank.

We were telling Inspector
Barnaby all about our nephew.

- He had lovely eyelashes.

- Do you all live in Upper Warden?

- You're looking at a

1,000-year-old family tradition, Barnaby.

The first born son stays at home.

We live in the east wing.

- The next son goes into the church

and becomes the vicar of Upper Warden.

- And the youngest goes
off to the crusades.

But I decided to join the godless infidels

and became a movie producer.

- Oh, you produced "The House of Satan.

- Yes, the highest
grossing UK-financed movie

in the last decade.

- Gross is an appropriate word.

- Well, we'll need a large room

where we can set up a
temporary headquarters.

- Oh.

Absolutely, no problem.

Simon will lend you the church schoolroom.

(chuckling)

We need the school room

for the Sunday school
anniversary concert rehearsals.

- It's God's will, Simon.

- No, it isn't.

It's your will.

- In Upper Warden, it's
all the same thing.

(suspenseful music)

- Hi, Danny.

- Hiya, Phil.

Coffee?

- You bet.

- What you doing here?

The guttering on the summer house?

(chuckles)

- I made a start.

Then I had to check
her ladyship's jacuzzi.

- Oh, you're not the first.

(laughs)

- Here's to poor Larry.

- Yeah.

Poor Larry.

- So.

You, got anymore coffee?

- Go on.

- See you down at the club later.

- Yeah.

Later.

- Apparently, it's all a pack of lies.

- Who says?

- The man I was standing
next to the line of peasants.

Local chap, dressed as
the village blacksmith.

He said Ellis Bell never
went near the summer house.

He wrote the book in
the neighbouring village

of Lower Warden.

My chap claimed the film was a travesty

and it was all Oliver Cromwell's fault.

- Would you know this fellow again?

- I doubt it.

He was covered in whiskers.

- Well, he was local, wasn't he?

He wasn't one of the Causton Am Dram lot?

- Definitely local.

We were only there to make up the numbers.

Day in the fresh air, buffet lunch.

Rather a good lunch, as a matter of fact.

Danny the chef's speciality, meatballs.

Sweet boy.

Apparently, he just lost his mother,

but he still insisted on turning up.

(suspenseful music)

- All on your own, sir?

- Ah, yes, Danny.

The family has deserted me.

- We're all very sorry

about what happened this afternoon, sir.

- Thank you, Danny.

Very kind.

And I do appreciate the fact

that you turned up at all today.

'Cause of my mom?

- Well, so soon after the funeral.

She brought Larry into
the world, you know.

- Did the same for me, I suppose.

- I wonder if you realise

the full tragic irony of
today's whole sordid business.

- Well, getting blown up's
gotta be a bit tragic.

- The irony is that from the point of view

of the film and of this place,

Larry's death would be
terribly good for business.

(suspenseful music)

(thoughtful music)

- [Maid] Morning.

- Morning.

- [Helen] Morning.

- I'd like to talk to
Mr. Frank Smythe-Webster.

- He calls himself Frank Webster.

- Well, I want to talk to him
under either of his names.

- He's working out in
the Ellis Bell multi-gym.

Don't blame me.

It's a marketing concept.

- Thank you, Helen.

- Mike, don't panic.

Now, now, now, my friend,
there is no problem.

I mean, wasn't it Gertrude Stein

who said a geezer is a geezer is a geezer?

Yes, well, I'll call you back.

Two minutes.

Inspector Barnaby, how can I help you?

- My first choice, who stood
to gain by killing your nephew?

- Well, certainly not me.

You realise we start shooting
"House of Satan 2" next month?

- No, no, I didn't realise that.

You're having to find another actor, eh?

- Yes.

And once agents realise
the fine mess we're in,

the price goes through the roof.

I find that deeply offensive.

- Is that all it's about then, money?

- The bottom line.

Everything's about money.

What did you expect?

- Well, I probably expected

a little more grief from the bereaved.

With the possible exception of his mother.

You could put it down
to the stiff upper lip

of the English ruling class.

But more likely, it's the
fact that nobody liked him.

- Mr. Webster--
- Call me Frank.

- Frank.

I've been bullied by the media

into holding a press conference.

Would you mind taking part, please?

- My pleasure.

All publicity is good publicity.

(suspenseful music)

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, I'll come back to you.

Larry Smith was not only my nephew,

but a sweet guy and a very dear friend.

Destined, I believe, to become
a major international star

in our next project
together, "House of Satan 2".

We have no idea who has
perpetrated this ghastly crime,

but we will give the
police every assistance

in bringing the killer to justice.

- Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Webster.

Right, I'll take questions now, please.

Yes?

- Murdoch, Corston Echo.

- Yes?

- Knowing of Larry Smith's
history of substance abuse,

could his murder be drugs related?

- At present, nothing is ruled out.

- Jack Wilson, Upper
Warden Church Newsletter.

I also keep the bookshop
in the High Street.

With respect, our friend
should go back home

to his own kind in Corston.

This is purely and simply
a local initiative.

- Well, thank you, Mr. Wilson.

What's your question?

- No question.

I'm simply putting

the record straight.
(phone ringing)

We're talking about Upper
Warden and Lower Warden.

We've been murdering each other here

since the time of Cromwell.

We're not gonna change now.

March the 14th, 1643.

That's when it all began.

- Mr. Wilson, would you excuse me, please?

My sergeant needs to speak to me.

(tense tones)

What's the crisis?

- A fight broke out.

- Really?

Who's been fighting?

- Over there.

- What happened?

- I come here with my flowers for Larry.

And there she was with
her flowers for Larry.

- Well, I think he would have been glad

to have flowers from you both.

When did you meet him?

- Last year, when he was here
filming "The House of Satan".

- Which is when our relationship started.

- (laughs) She called it a relationship.

So I called her a lying cow,

and she hit me with her flowers.

- How can you draw blood with flowers?

- It was an arrangement, in a pot.

- I always think a nice arrangement

is more appropriate on these occasions.

- And I think it would be more appropriate

if you were both to go home
and grow up, in either order.

Go.

- Seems to have put it about a bit

when he was here last year.

Jane.

Caroline.

Michelle.

Fiona.

There's one here from Darren.

- Darren?

Any idea who Darren might be?

- Apparently, he's the local video nerd.

He was covering the event.

And a bit of an obsessive,
so worth checking out.

He sometimes helps at the local bookshop.

(suspenseful music)

(doorbell jingling)

Hello?

(machine whirring)

I'm looking for Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, he's not here.

- You must be Darren.

- That's very good.

- Lucky guess.

- Mr. Wilson's out delivering these.

- These?

- Well, he's not delivering these.

He's delivering the
ones we've already done,

if you see what I mean.

- I see what you mean.

May I?

- Oh, yes.

It's free.

Mr. Wilson's brought out a special edition

because of the murder, and
he's written an editorial

about how the police haven't a clue.

(chuckling)

Oh.

I see.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

- Yeah.

Then you can tell me what the clue is

that the police don't have.

(wind howling)

- Here you are, Barnaby.

That's your basic satanic experience.

- What, a darkened room
with some strange noises?

- It's an homage.

A key scene in the movie.

Our hero is locked in a
darkened room by the bad guys,

and driven mad by a series
of unexplained noises.

(recorded screaming on repeat)

Then of course, here covers his sanity

in order to kill off the bad guys.

- An homage?

- Well, according to our market research,

movie buffs love an homage.

Show 'em a, well, a plastic
shark or the shower curtain

from "Psycho," and they
wet themselves with glee

and reach for their wallets.

- Where exactly are we?

Immediately below the gymnasium?

- Well spotted.

- What about this state
of war with Lower Warden.

- Mr. Wilson knows about that.

- And Oliver Cromwell?

- Mr. Wilson knows about that, too.

- Do you know about anything, Darren?

- I know a lot about classic movies,

and "The Prisoner" and "Doctor Who."

- You left some flowers
at the murder scene.

- Well, yes.

- Did you have a relationship
with Larry Smith?

- No.

I don't have relationships as a rule.

But I've got all 26 episodes
of "Diamond Geezers" on video,

and "The House of Satan"
and on video and DVD.

- Tell me how you met Larry Smith.

- It was last year when
they were making the film.

I was chamber maiding at the
big house he was staying at

with the film unit.

- And you fell in love?

- Oh, well, that would
be pushing it a bit.

- But you had a relationship?

- Oh yeah, definitely a relationship.

- How long did it last?

- A couple of hours, maybe.

- Emily, my love, the
memory can do funny things.

Now, is there any way I can persuade you

that it might have lasted
a little longer than that?

Now,

tell me about your night of
passion with Larry Smith.

- It was a Thursday afternoon--

- Emily.

What did I just say?

- I shall never forget the first time

he looked into my eyes.

- Would you like to be famous, Darren?

- Oh, I'd love to, but I
can't see it happening.

Can you?

- Let's hope not.

If you'd murdered Larry
Smith, you'd be famous.

- But only for 15 minutes.

Is it worth it?

- I believe you made a
video of yesterday's events.

- Yes, all my videos

of everything that happens in the village.

Would you like it as evidence?

- Please.

- All right, remind me to bring it

from home next time I see ya.

- I'm reminding you now, Darren.

And you can sell me a copy

of "The House of Satan" before I leave.

- Right.

Which one do you want?

- Is there more than one?

- There's two.

There's the book of the film

and there's Ellis Bell's original version.

- Are they different?

- Yes.

The book of the film's got
the haunted dungeon in it.

- Oh.

I better have one of each then.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We only stock the book of the film.

You'll have to go to Lower
Warden for the other one.

- Could Darren organise an explosion?

- I bet he can learn how
to do it from the net

if you know where to surf.

I'm seeing him again this evening.

I'll ask him about it then.

- Why?

Why are you seeing him again?

- Oh, he's promised to do some research

on jealous husbands
and jealous boyfriends.

And he's bringing his video in from home.

- Excellent.

- In the words of Alfred
Hitchcock, act as a cattle.

Yeah, yeah, it's a bit
rough on cattle, I know.

Just give the guy an evasive answer.

Tell him to go screw himself.

- Film producers do that for fun, do they?

- No, because it's good for them.

- Oh, I hate things that are good for me.

- So, what have we got?

I'll do this my way, father's way.

Short, sharp, shock.

- Look, we talked about it.

We agreed.

Remember?

- Hey.

You remember how we
used to settle arguments

when we were kids?

- What?

You can't settle a thing like
this with a toss of a coin.

- Want to bet?

- Heads.

(happy music)

- My way.

(chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

(twig snaps)
(man exclaims)

This suit's gonna be ruined.

- Well, it's your fault.

You won the toss, remember?

Ah.

Well, we've done as we were told.

We've left the package on the tree stump,

and stayed well out of the way.

Let's see how good they are.

- I keep telling ya, bro.

It's amateur night in Dixie.

(motorcycle revving)

(gunfire pops)

(gunfire pops)

- Now what happens?

- We watch this space.

(regal music)

- Morning, Helen.

- Morning, Mr. Webster.

You're up early.

- Yes.

A quick workout, healthy breakfast,

then back to the big city to
find a cheap and willing actor

who wants to be a star.

- He'll have to be
brave as well, won't he?

- Stupid will do.

- Did you know this, Troy?

If a leading actor drops dead

just as he's about to make a film,

apparently there's
always an insurance deal.

Sometimes amounting to millions of pounds.

- A lot of people are making
money from the situation.

"My 24 hours of passion" by
broken-hearted Emily Gaskell.

- Somebody's feeding the tabloids.

Bet it's that journalist
from the Corston Echo.

- Was that there last night when you left?

- No, definitely not.

Lev?

Wasn't he a Russian goalie, Lev Yashin?

- It's a Biblical reference.

Leviticus from the Bible.

Every schoolboy's favourite dirty book.

I'm gonna talk to the Reverend Simon.

- Mr. Barnaby, good morning.

- Morning, sir.

I'm very sorry to disturb you,

but I was hoping for some help
with a biblical reference.

- Leviticus Chapter 18, verse 16.

- Oh, you've seen it, have you?

I assume you didn't do it.

- I have many frailties,
but I'm not vulgar.

The chapter deals with
various prohibitions

in carnal matters and the
people and in the later verses,

indeed, the animals that
one is not permitted

to have sexual relations
with according to God's law.

Here we are.

Verse 16.

(camera clicks)

Thou shalt not uncover the
nakedness of thy brother's wife.

I think the meaning is clear.

(camera clicks)

Please.

- Why would someone write
that on the schoolroom wall,

knowing the police would see it?

- I imagine they're pointing
the finger at our family.

Anyone in particular?

- I'll answer your questions
truthfully and honestly,

Mr. Barnaby, but I don't
deal in gossip and innuendo.

- Oh, I'm sure.

I'm sure you don't.

Can we consider, please,
your eldest brother's wife,

Mrs. Wendy Smythe-Webster?

Is it possible that your brother Frank,

or even your late son, for example,

might have uncovered her nakedness,

and that brother Rupert
took exception to it?

- Wendy may not be the brightest
star in God's firmament,

but she's fundamentally harmless.

A flirt and, in the vernacular, a bimbo,

but not, I believe, an adulteress.

(bike whirring)

(groaning in pain)

(suspenseful music)

- Men over a certain age
shouldn't take exercise.

Promise me you'll never go searching

for your lost youth, Tom.

It's lost because it's meant to be lost.

- You sure it's heart failure?

- Well, not until I've done
a full examination, but--

- Why would a man who's never
had a proper job in his life

have a workman's hands?

Or could that be a scorch mark?

- Let's have a look.

- These things usually
connected to the main, sir?

- Yes, they're stuffed full of
computerised instrumentation

so you can measure your progress.

- We'll check that bike.

See if the circuits are blown.

- He was making an early
start back to London, he said.

- Did anyone else go into the gym?

- No.

No, he's the only who's
ever used it so far.

Very healthy, he was.

- But you found the body?

- Yeah.

See, I assumed he'd, had his workout

and then go back to
his room for breakfast,

'cause that's what he usually did.

But then I started getting
phone calls for him.

And there was no answer from his room,

so I thought I'd better check.

And there he was.

I've never seen anyone dead before.

- You should go home.

- Somebody's coming in to relieve me.

- Good.

This Ellis Bell?

- Ellis Bell.

The proper one.

What a mess, eh?

It's all your fault.

- Yes, that would do it.

- So all anyone would
need to put a mains charge

through the exercise bike

would be a set of jump leads, yeah?

- And rubber gloves.

- That means no fingerprints.

- It's obviously worth checking,

but I wouldn't build
your hopes too highly.

Thank you.

(regal music)

- [Laura] And then there were four.

- I don't think that's very amusing.

- Did I say I was amused?

- Well, I think it's awful.

- Ah, Inspector Barnaby.

Why don't you sit in your usual chair.

- Thank you very much.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

- Noted.

Appreciated as ever.

- Well, I have to ask
the obvious question.

Did your brother Frank have any enemies?

- Apparently.

Otherwise he'd still be alive.

- He was nice.

Everybody liked him.

- Is that the, general
view around the table?

- He had great charm.

- Indeed, he had.

- Who's in charge of security?

- Oh, there isn't any.

We lock the door, but
the residents have keys,

the staff have keys, we all have keys.

- I imagine all the
weasels in the Wildwood

have their own keys.

They probably keep duplicates
in their little potting sheds.

- The weasels in the Wildwood?

As in "Wind in the Willows"?

It's my brother's way of referring to

the people of Lower Warden.

- Who'd like nothing more
than to overrun this place,

the way the weasels do in the book.

- I don't think the weasels
murdered the inhabitants.

- Quite correct.

As I recall it, Mr. Toad
marshals his forces,

and they all mount a very
successful counterattack.

To be precise, they wack 'em
and wack 'em and wack 'em.

- Look.

Two members of your family

have now been murdered in as many days.

And when I talk to you or
to anyone from Upper Warden

about possible motives,

you all point me in the
direction of Lower Warden.

- Oh, of course.

It's in the natural order of things.

- I'm sure you'll forgive me,
Mrs. Wendy Smythe-Webster,

but it's a time for plain speaking.

I've heard it suggested

that you had a sexual relationship
with your late nephew.

Which, on the face of it,

would provide your husband
with a motive to murder him.

And the graffiti that appeared

on the schoolroom wall last night

would suggest that one or
other of you three brothers

have an extra marital relationship

with one or the other of your two wives.

Which, if it were Frank, would
give the aggrieved brother

a motive for his murder.

(suspenseful music)

- We're a family with secrets, Inspector,

like any other family.

But if those secrets
drove any of us to murder,

we would do it the gentleman's way,

with a bullet through the
brain and face-to-face.

And remember, the main
purpose of this family,

and perhaps our only purpose is survival.

(men laughing)

- It says "The Shining"

'cause that's what I'd like it to be.

It's my only copy, so...

- We'll take good care of it, Darren.

Now, you were gonna go
through this list of people

who left flowers for Larry Smith.

- Was I?

- You were, Darren.

And I even bought you a
pint to assist your memory.

- Oh.

All right, then.

Cheers.

This must be Emily Gaskell.

She's from Lower Warden.

- Yes, we met Emily.

But what's a girl from Lower Warden

doing leaving flowers
for a Smythe-Webster?

- Emily is engaged to Phil Harrison.

He's from Lower Warden.

He fixes windmills.

He even lives in one.

- Windmills?

Yeah, well, he fixes anything really,

but mills is what he prefers.

Windmills, watermills,
satanic mills, maybe.

That's a joke.

- Next.

- Here's a straight one.

Wendy.

- Ah, the lady of the house.

And, is she a lady?

- From what people say, not entirely.

But that's people, not me.

I try not to have opinions.

Darren.

Well, that's me, isn't it?

You know about me.

- Not quite.

Are you an Upper Warden
man or Lower Warden man?

- Well, I work mostly in Upper Warden,

but I live mostly with my gran
on the edge of Lower Warden.

- But you're in the Upper Warden T.A.?

Well, thank you, Darren.

- Isn't there one more thing?

Columbo always has one
more thing, doesn't he?

- If you insist.

One more thing.

In the T.A., do you handle explosives?

(tense music)

(suspenseful music)

Phil Harrison?

- Who wants to know?

- Sergeant Troy.

Corston CID.

- Yeah, I'm Phil Harrison.

What's your problem?

- I thought it might be your problem.

Larry, my lost love, by a
broken-hearted Emily Gaskell.

Isn't she your girlfriend?

- So?

- Are you saying nothing
happened between her and Larry?

- Nothing that bothered me.

If I'd have been bothered,

I'd have taken little Larry
down some pretty country lane

and punched his lights
out, the Scotties way.

- The Scotties way?

Were you in the army?

- Yeah, after I left school.

- Do you have experience with explosives?

- Obviously.

It's the job.

You can't do proper peacekeeping

without guns and bombs and stuff.

- Where were you when the bomb went off,

as a matter of interest?

- I was here, preserving
the nation's heritage.

Heard the bang.

- Do you do any work at the big house?

- Yeah, I've got a roofing
job on it at the moment,

as it happens.

You can't pick and choose.

We go where the jobs are.

Can I get on with my work now, please?

- And I'll get on with mine.

(suspenseful music)

- [Barnaby] How long have
you worked here, Darren?

- I don't work here.

I just help out.

Same as I do at Mr. Wilson's bookshop.

I'm basically a freelance.

- [Barnaby] A freelance what?

- Don't laugh.

- I have no intention of laughing.

- I want to be a film director.

- Set that aside for the moment.

The other night, you were working,

well, you were helping
out as a night porter.

- Yes.

- Did you see anyone come and go?

- Not really.

I came on at midnight and
everybody was in by then.

So basically, I went to sleep
in the little office there.

There's a bell you can ring
if anybody has an emergency.

(bell chimes)

- But nobody rang any bells last night?

- Only Danny.

Danny the chef.

He came in at 6:00 to
start doing the breakfast,

and he rang the bell.

But that was more of a joke.

He's a great joker, our Danny.

- Danny here now?

- He's in the kitchen.

- You talk to him, Troy.

I'm going to meet the
weasels in the Wildwood.

- Weasels?

- Think it's time we heard

the Lower Warden side of the story.

(suspenseful music)

(cat meowing)

- No, it's not Billy.

That's Danny.

- What's this?

Are we gonna read about
more nights of passion?

You must be Danny.

- That's me.

- Sergeant Troy, Corston CID.

- Do you know Chief Inspector Barnaby?

- Yeah, he's my boss.

- I've got something for him.

- You're finished here.

- Have you a statement for the press?

- Yeah.

Push off.

- That's for Mrs. Barnaby.

- I'm sorry?

She was here for the opening ceremony

dressed as a milkmaid.

- I believe so.

- And she was admiring my meatballs,

and I promised to give her the recipe.

- Thank you, Danny.

I'll pass it on.

(dogs barking)
(suspenseful music)

(bell dinging)

- Well, the police are
not my favourite people.

But if the Smythe-Websters are
shovelling dirt all over us,

I'll do what I can to
put the record straight.

- I hear tell that Ellis
Bell was a Lower Warden man,

and that you people from Lower
Warden are very aggrieved

at the way the Smythe-Websters
have appropriated him.

(motorcycle revving)

- Ellis Bell.

Born out of wedlock here
in Lower Warden in 1867.

Died in poverty in Corston in 1930,

the year of the great slump.

- Out of wedlock?

- His mother worked at the
big house in Upper Warden.

And she was seduced by
the son of the house.

The Smythe-Websters denied paternity,

but later they helped young Ellis Bell

to get work as a teacher.

So I think that's a
guilty plea, don't you?

Anyway, it's all in the book.

$9.99.

- Oh, please.

Thank you.

It looks very different
from the book of the film.

- Well, that's because the original

is an old-fashioned socialist novel.

He calls it "The House of Satan"

because he saw the Smythe-Websters

as totally corrupt from top to bottom.

They took our book and turned it

into a cup prize horror movie.

- So you're not one of the
world's greatest admirers

of the Smythe-Websters, then?

- Everything we have of value, they steal.

We deal in truth and they deal in power.

- Whose idea was it to make the movie?

- Ask Jack Wilson, the
bard of Upper Warden.

- Oh, the editor of the church newsletter?

- And a failed writer.

Though as dangerous animal in
the jungle, a failed writer.

- If you hate these people so much...

- Would I consider murdering them?

(chuckles) No.

I'm a card-carrying peace nik.

Check with MI5, ask them
about Sarah Proudie.

They'll tell you.

Let me give you a bag for that.

- Is the spray can
mightier than the sword?

- Well, it doesn't kill people.

- And you're familiar with
the book of Leviticus?

- I didn't reject the Bible
without reading it first.

What sort of woman do you think I am?

(blender whirs)

- Have you always been a chef?

- It's the only job I've ever done.

- And you came here straight from school?

- Not exactly.

We're very good at guilty secrets, Danny.

Well, it's not a secret.

- It was in the local papers.

I learned to cook when I was in Borstal.

- Ah, the cricket pavilion.

- Oh, you heard about that, did you?

I didn't do it, of course.

I suppose they all say that.

- Yeah, they do all say that.

But when I came out, Mr.
Rupert gave me a job here.

Hey, rehabilitation works.

I am the living proof.

He even set me on a
management course last year.

I could end up running the
whole caboodle for the family.

Chief Executive.

(chuckles) That would be a laugh.

And there's no reason why
you should want to murder

Larry Smith or Frank Webster?

- Smythe-Websters might be
a bunch of chinless tossers,

but they've been very good to me.

(suspenseful music)

Sit yourself down.

Lovely things, don't you reckon?

- Aren't they yours?

- Yeah.

Sort of extended loan from Mr. Rupert.

- Must be worth a bit.

- Around 50 grand each, I believe.

- Phew.

And what did you do to deserve this?

- He never had kids of his own,

so, I'm sort of mate, see?

Make him laugh.

Go on, ask around.

Everybody likes Danny.

Lunch.

- Oh, thank you.

Any joy at the manor?

Both Danny and Darren
were in the right places

at the right times for both murders.

- Motives?

Darren's an obsessive nerd

with a grudge against Frank Webster

for not giving him a job on the movie.

But I can't see him as
a cold-blooded killer.

- What about the video he gave you?

(sighs) It was "The Shining".

(laughs)

He apologised.

He got his labels mixed up,

but he's bringing the right one in later.

- What about Danny the chef?

- Oh.

He asked me to give this
recipe to Mrs. Barnaby.

They were getting on like a house on fire,

apparently, until the bomb went off.

- Oh, were they?

Thank you.

God, these are bloody disgusting.

- Best I could get from the pub.

- Tell me about Danny.

- Well, he seems very popular.

Everybody likes him, he said so himself,

and he's well in with the
family, especially Rupert.

- Is he now?

And when two of the natural heirs

to the estate are murdered,
it doesn't occur to you

he might be getting a little
impatient, or possibly,

carrying out the wishes of his master?

How did you get on with the, uh, weasels?

- I know now who put your
Russian goalie on our door.

- Oh, yeah?

Who's that?

- Sarah Proudie, curator
of the Ellis Bell museum.

Either because she knows something

about the Smythe-Webster family we do not

or because she wants
to divert our attention

away from Lower Warden.

She also told me that
the person most resentful

about the film was the
bookshop owner, Jack Wilson.

(suspenseful music)

(bell dings)

- Hello?

Hello?

- Afternoon, Mr. Wilson.

- Forgive the mess.

I wasn't expecting company.

- This is just a routine
confirm or deny question.

Is it true that it was your idea

to make a film based on Ellis Bell's book?

- It's no secret.

- Tell us what happened.

- Well, I bought a copy of the book

when Sarah Proudie
brought out that reprint.

I took it to Mr. Smythe-Webster,

suggesting that it might
make a successful film

and why didn't he show
it to his brother Frank.

I met Mr. Webster.

He liked the title.

- And?

- He encouraged me to write this.

- "The House of Satan,"
screenplay by Jack Wilson.

- A year later, the film unit arrived.

They used a screenplay
written by some chap

he'd been at school with.

And as you probably know, they
turned it into a horror film.

- Did they pay you anything?

- Not a penny.

I could've had two days' work as an extra

playing the part of a
corpse, but I declined.

- Is that part of your
duplicating machine, Mr. Wilson?

- No.

You'll find me working in my capacity

as honorary armourer of the
Upper Warden Territorial Army.

- Do you keep live
ammunition here, Mr. Wilson?

- I'm permitted to
dispense blank ammunition

for the purposes of field exercises.

But live rounds for
use on the firing range

may only be released under
the authority of the major.

- Major Rupert Smythe-Webster?

- Yes, sir.

Those are thunder flashes.

Just glorified fireworks.

- Do you have an inventory?

- You've been very keen, Mr. Wilson,

to blame the people from Lower
Warden for these killings,

even though you yourself

had even greater reason to feel, betrayed.

You refused to work on the film, you say.

Yet, you were there on
the day of Larry's death,

dressed as a village blacksmith.

- Life's too short to bear grudges.

- There's one of these missing, sir.

That'd be more than
enough explosive in a box

to blow up the summerhouse.

- I had nothing to do with that.

- How do you account for the missing box?

I didn't know it was gone.

- Who else has a key?

- Only the major, sir.

- Mrs. Smythe-Webster?

Good afternoon.

What's this, window
shopping as therapy, is it?

- No, I just thought it might
take my mind off things.

- And does it?

- Not really.
(phone ringing)

- Troy.

- Now that we're well away from the,

the big house, I have to
ask you a rude question.

- Another one?

- Did you have an affair
with your husband's brother?

- Which one?

Simon or Frank?

Well, either.

No, neither.

Simon's a vicar and Frank had sweaty feet.

I like that, don't you?

Would you call that beige?

- Sir?

- You need another word with
your Sergeant, Mr. Barnaby.

- So I do.

Excuse me.

- I've got the list of telephone numbers

that the late Frank Webster
called from his mobile.

- Good.

- Mostly to his office in London,

and also a film company in Los Angeles.

But also, to Sarah
Proudie and Phil Harrison

in Lower Warden.

- Phil Harrison who lives
in the windmill, yeah?

- That's right.

- I trust you are leaping into action.

- I'm meeting Phil for a drink
this evening in the chapel.

- That's excellent.

You keep him occupied in the pub,

whilst I check up on the windmill.

(suspenseful music)

- Too little, too late.

And besides, you're dealing
with the wrong person.

- Sorry.

Am I interrupting?

- I'm looking for the chapel.

- The smart money says it's
the building across the street

that looks very much like a chapel.

- It hasn't been a chapel
for 50 years or more.

We've never had much time
for God in Lower Warden.

He doesn't seem to be on our side.

- Thank you.

- It was a nice try, Rupert,
but you're much too late.

- 1,000 years too late?

- Oh, you see, you do understand.

(patrons murmuring)

- Fancy a game?

I was supposed to be playing
a mate, but he isn't here yet.

- I'm here on business.

- You can have a game of pool
and do your cross-examination

at the same time.

Loser buys the drinks.

How's that?

(suspenseful music)

(motorcycle revving)

- [Man On Scaffolding] Bastard!

(patrons murmuring)

- Frank Webster made a
series of phone calls

to you this week.

What were they about?

- The windmill.

- The windmill?

- Yeah, he wanted a windmill
for "The House of Satan 2,"

so the villain could die a horrible death.

So I don't suppose he'll
be wanting that now,

the way things have turned out.

Stranger in town breaks.

- Okay.

- Oh!

We have a hustler in our midst.

Minnesota Troy.

- Are you his mate?

- Yeah, sure.

Why not?

We go back a long way.

- But you've got your feet

well under the table at the manor.

Chief executive in waiting.

Are you still welcome in Lower Warden?

- Oh, well, that's what
the old farts tell you.

No, we haven't burned down a
castle around here for what?

500 years?

- Burn a castle, maybe.

But what about a cricket pavilion?

(suspenseful music)

(men laughing)

Same again?

- Why, thank you, sergeant.

That's very decent of you.

- Having a bad night?

- Pool is not really my game.

- We noticed.

- Ah, that's the secret.

We all have to find our natural game.

- Like nights of passion.

(women giggling)

- What's your natural game,
winning the class war?

- Must have been 1960s.

But I suppose that was before your time.

(suspenseful music)

(cats meowing)

(air hissing)

(air hissing)

- Mr. Barnaby.

- What do you want?

- I can't talk about
it out here on account

that it's private and it
might lead to an early arrest.

- Oh.

Then make it quick.

Sergeant Troy will see to you.

Come on.

- You'll need a notebook
and your tape recorder.

- Tape recorder?

- This has to be on record.

- What has?

- Isn't it obvious?

I've come to confess.

- There've been two murders, Darren.

Which one are you holding your hand up to?

Or did you do both?

- I let your tyres down.

It's an old tradition.

Once a month, someone from Upper
Warden goes to Lower Warden

and does something bad.

This month it was my turn,
so I let your tyres down.

But I thought it was a Lower Warden car.

I didn't realise it was yours.

- Well, Darren, I think this is a case

where we can exercise our discretion

and let you go with a caution.

- Don't you want to hear the other stuff?

- What other stuff?

- Like, what I saw in Lower Warden

after I let your tyres down.

- What did you see?

(ominous tones)

- I was lurking across the street.

I mean, I don't see it as
lurking, but some people do.

And I saw Danny and Phil
come out of the chapel,

and they were having a right set to.

- So where was the money, Phil?

- He didn't give it.

(women laughing)

(laughter overpowers voices)

- [Barnaby] Were they arguing about money?

- Goodnight.

- Definitely about money.

- Have you collected any other stuff

in the course of your lurking?

- I've brought my videos.

I make fly on the wall documentaries.

It's like lurking with a camera.

And here.

That's the one you've been waiting for.

The opening ceremony of
the satanic experience.

The explosion looks
really good on that one.

- What do you do with these
after you've made them?

- Well, I put 'em on my website

and hope I'll be talent spotted.

The trouble is, I don't
know what's on all of them.

So your best plan might
be to, suck it and see.

(chuckles)

(music playing)

This is when they made "The
House of Satan" last year.

On the first day of shooting,
they had a bit of a party

so the locals could meet Larry Smith.

- Is that Sarah Proudie?

- [Darren] Yeah, Mrs. Proudie was there.

- Mrs. Proudie?

Is she married?

- I think she was.

She called herself Miss ever
since she got liberated.

- [Barnaby] Are they having a row?

- They might've been.

There's not much more of this.

(motorcycle revving)

Sorry, it's an old tape.

We shot this bit before
the microphone went kaput.

- Is that Phil Harrison?

- Yeah.

He's brilliant.

He generally wins when he's on the field.

Danny's brilliant as well,
but he's better on the flat.

They've got identical bikes.

Well, they would.

They've always been mates.

- Darren, you are a prince amongst men.

(suspenseful music)

- What are we looking for, sir?

The row that Darren witnessed
outside the chapel last night

after you'd left wasn't just about money.

I think it was a villains falling out.

I saw Danny coming here last
night to collect something.

It must've been money.

It must have been from
the Smythe-Websters.

Well he didn't find it, so
something obviously went wrong.

- Are we talking blackmail?

- Blackmail, money with menaces.

Pay up or we carry on
murdering your family.

Danny's expecting his share of the money,

and instead, he finds, he finds this.

(suspenseful music)

- These murders, Danny.

- Yes, sir?

- We can't go on like this, can we?

- Well, we're gonna run out
of family, aren't we, sir?

- You've got such a sweet
way of putting things, Danny.

- Have you found us
anything in Lower Warden?

- I made a bit of progress.

You might say my inquiries are ongoing.

- Hmm.

I tried opening negotiations
with Sarah Proudie,

but she indicated I was
talking to the wrong person.

Miss Proudie knows

most of what goes on in Lower Warden, sir,

but I don't think she approves of it all,

if you see what I mean.

- (sighs) The whole thing's so ghastly.

I'm sure it's affecting my nails.

(church bells tolling)

(suspenseful music)

- Here. Take that.

I'll join you later.

Mrs. Smythe-Webster?

Good morning.

- I can't remember when I last
experienced a good morning.

- You were trying to scrub the graffiti

off the wall, weren't you?

- Yes.

You seem to think that it
was a reference to Wendy.

She was very upset about that.

She's actually very sensitive.

Stupid, but sensitive.

- But if it wasn't a
reference to her, then?

- It was me, Inspector.

Mine was the nakedness that was uncovered.

- Oh, I see.

Well, I have to ask you.

Which brother?

- Goodness me.

Frank, of course.

Frank was funny.

He made me laugh.

I don't laugh very easily.

- Was this recently?

- Maybe 20 years ago.

- Are you telling me that Lawrence was.

- Yes.

Lawrence was Frank's son.

- Does your husband know about all this?

- Oh, yes.

- How did he feel about, well,
how does he feel about it?

- He hated Frank.

Hated Lawrence.

He probably hates me.

But we never talk about it.

- Do you think that your
husband killed Lawrence

and then killed Frank?

- No.

But I didn't think he'd object strenuously

if somebody else did it for him.

Simon is resolutely Christian.

Everything is God's will.

It's a very convenient way
of looking at things, really.

Means nothing is ever anyone's fault.

- That is a wicked distortion.

- Life in the big house, Inspector.

- Laura, please!

- I'm going to pray.

You can join me if you wish.

(suspenseful music)

- You've really made Ellis Bell

your mission in life, haven't you?

- I'm Ellis Bell's great-granddaughter.

- Oh, I see.

You say, in your preface
to the new edition

of "The House of Satan"
that when that book

first appeared in 1897, the
Smythe-Websters of the day

bought out the publishers.

- Bought the publishers
and burned the books.

They had a huge bonfire in
the grounds of the big house.

And then 100 years later,
they stole it back,

corrupted it, and made their millions.

They took a classic and
crapped all over it.

- Is that what you said to
Mr. Rupert Smythe-Webster

when he came in to see you last night?

- Oh, well, that was a social call.

- A social call?

Very surprised you're on speaking terms.

- 30 years ago we had a
brief and dangerous liaison.

It ended in tears, of course.

Oh, his, not mine.

There's a potentially
decent man buried down

to that 1,000 years of history,

and I thought I could dig him out.

I failed.

- My sergeant says he offered you money.

- Which I refused.

- Why?

- I approached Frank
Webster at the proper time

about making a contribution
to the running of my museum.

He said the book was out of copyright,

and told me to get lost.

End of story.

I don't grovel to these people.

And I don't grovel to anyone,
as you probably gathered.

- Ellsie Pinchel.

Is that Danny's mother?

- Mm.

She died a couple of weeks ago.

A legendary midwife of this
parish and a formidable gossip.

She'd have answered all your questions,

whether she knew the answers or not.

- Would she really?

What do you think of Danny?

- Oh, everybody likes Danny.

I think that's his problem.

He wants to be liked, and that's tricky.

- [Barnaby] Oh, is this the famous chapel?

- Well, it was before God retreated

and The People's Republic of Lower Warden

turned it into a drinking club.

We did the conversion work ourselves.

A collective enterprise.

Phil did the building work,

Danny did the rewiring,

I burned the altar.

- Danny did the electrics, did he?

- Yes.

He's a wizard with wires.

(suspenseful music)

- Troy, could you meet me at the hotel

in 10 minutes, please?

We need to talk to Danny.

Helen.

How you feeling?

- Heaps better.

Thanks.

- Is Danny in this morning?

- He's in the kitchen.

Tell him it's well past coffee time.

- I will.

(ominous tones)

Helen, has Danny had any
visitors this morning?

- Only Mr. Smythe-Webster.

- What time did he leave?

- Well, I didn't see him leave.

He could've gone out the back door.

- Okay, thanks.

- Has something happened to Danny?

- Yeah, something has happened to Danny.

(suspenseful music)

- Afternoon, Barnaby.

Progress report?

- Good afternoon.

I have one or two further
questions, please.

- Well.

- I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie

from Lower Warden were once,

if you'll pardon the expression, an item.

- My god.

You have been dredging, haven't you?

- Well, there seems an awful
lot to dredge in these parts.

- She said, you couldn't
have a proper relationship

across the tracks if one of
the families owns the tracks.

It's a fair point.

So I returned to my own kind.

But that's all over now.

Good health.

- Thank you.

How do you mean, it's all over now?

- Take a look at that photograph
up there on the mantel.

The Smythe-Webster boys when young.

Notice anything?

- There were four of you.

- Exactly.

My big brother Sinjin drove
his Ferrari into a war

when he was up at Oxford.

So we all moved up one.

And I got landed with running this place

instead of becoming the local vicar.

- [Barnaby] Would you have enjoyed that?

- Oh, it's a doddle.

The hours are undemanding
and you get first whack

at the Young Wives Club.

- Why, why did you say it's all over now?

- Well, by the time big
brother had killed himself,

I had had the operation.

The snip.

Oh, it was Sarah Proudie's idea,

but it to made sense at the time,

looking ahead to the Young Wives.

Simon, as you will have observed,
is fundamentally sexist.

And Frank, Frank was always really careful

after the business with Laura,

which brought forth little Larry.

We're running out of family, Mr. Barnaby.

1,000 years and now it's over.

- How do you plan to cope?

- That's what the satanic
experience is all about.

Fatten up the place,

sell it to some global
leisure cooperation,

and spend the money on loose living.

It's the end of the line
and nobody'll give a damn.

But why?

Why would anyone want to murder

your nephew and your brother?

Why?

- We've got the money and they haven't.

- A box of thunder flashes
went missing a few days ago.

Mr. Wilson says the only other person

to hold a key to the armoury is you.

- You think I killed Larry?

- Anyone else have access to your key?

- Well, I did lose it
for a couple of days,

but then it turned up, so
I thought no more about it.

- I understand that Danny Pinchel

has become quite a favourite of yours.

- He's a good lad.

Manages to see past the money

and talk to me like another human being.

- You see him as a prospective heir?

- (laughing) Well, I don't know
what he's been telling you,

but that's, that's ridiculous.

Well, I've always said that if we sold up,

we'd try to protect his job.

But that's hardly the same thing.

- Did you argue with him this morning?

Over the key, perhaps.

- Danny?

You think Danny stole the key none other?

Always found him an amiable soul.

- He's a dead soul now.

- Dead?

What are you talking about?

- Someone killed him.

Around about the time of your visit.

- They can't kill Danny.

Everybody likes Danny.

- Three possibilities.

There's a bruise indicating
he's been banged on the head.

More bruises on the neck,

indicating that someone
tried to strangle him.

But I've got a feeling
he's actually been drowned.

- Drowned?

- In gazpacho.

- In what?

- It's cold tomato soup.

- I'd say he was held face down in that,

by a killer whose clothes
must be in a terrible mess.

- This doesn't tie in with the others.

Danny wasn't a Smythe-Webster.

- Not yet, he wasn't.

- Danny the chef.

What you gonna do with this one?

Call it drugs related
and file under pending.

- You've done very well
after these murders,

haven't you, Mr. Murdoch?

- Just doing my job.

- You see the bright lights
beckoning, don't you?

But I see a motive for murder.

- That's outrageous.

- Well that being the case, your best plan

will be to stay out of my field of vision.

Now, if there are no more questions.

- Is it true a local man is
helping with your inquiries?

- Well, if he is, it'll be a first.

- Sir,

I found this in Danny's pocket.

Looks like his mom's diary.

- Excellent.

(suspenseful music)

What's the betting Phil
did a cross-country run

on that bike this morning to kill Danny?

- Message received and understood, sir.

(sombre music)

- I thought the point
of women's emancipation

was that you didn't have to
do the men's dirty washing.

Troy.

Ta.

(suspenseful music)

(motorcycle revving)

- Sorry about the flat tyres.

I don't know where I get these ideas.

- My sergeant has something to say to you.

- Philip Harrison, you're
charged with the murders

of Danny Pinchel, Larry
Smith, and Frank Webster.

(suspenseful music)

- Why?

My nephew was a waste on
Earth, my brother was a waste,

and I dare say I'm a waster, too.

Everybody liked Danny!

- No, no, no.

Everybody was wrong.

Danny was the worst of the lot.

- What did you mean, "Danny
was the worst of the lot"?

- He was the brains.

I was the guy who pushed the button.

- [Barnaby] Danny borrowed
your key to the armoury,

and he planned the
explosion that killed Larry.

(crowd applauds)

- Three, two, one, go!

(explosion booms)

- [Barnaby] Phil triggered
the blast by remote control.

(screaming)
(glass shattering)

But Danny was on hand

to give the signal for the mobile phone.

- No.

I don't believe this.

- But why?

- I saw Frank Webster
laugh at you that day.

- [Frank] Just because
some cheapskate ancestor

wrote a lousy book--

- [Proudie] He was our ancestor.

- You know the law.

There is no copyright on books

70 years after the writer's death.

Ellis Bell belongs to the world now.

Public ownership.

I thought you people
believed in that, darling.

(laughs)
(suspenseful music)

- He should never had laughed
at you, simple as that.

- After Larry had died, Frank
was supposed to come through

with the money, wasn't he?

But he didn't.

Is that right?

- Yeah, that's right.

I wanted him to pay up, he didn't.

(laughs) We tossed a coin to decide.

- My way.

- Yeah, he fancied himself as a hard man.

He wasn't.

(bike whirring)

(groaning in pain)

- And I assume

you were going to put
pressure on Rupert next.

- He was still the man with the money.

- (sighs) Well, all right,

I can understand Phil hating the family.

Why Danny?

- Are you gonna tell him, Philip?

I went to see him this morning.

We had words and suddenly, he said--

- Oh, you're an idiot, just like your dad.

- I haven't got a dad!

- Everyone's got one somewhere.

Yours is lord of the manor.

(laughs)

Yeah.

If you don't believe me, I
can show you my mom's diary.

- Oh yeah, Rupert's my dad.

That means I could spoil
everything for you, couldn't I?

You set me up, didn't you?

You wanted me to go
down for all this stuff.

- Well, I went down for
the cricket pavilion.

- Then with me out of the way,
you could have a clear run.

- That's what friends are for.

(pots clattering)

(unsettling music)

- What precisely am I being told here?

- Danny's mother Elsie was
the midwife at Phil's birth.

And she was always told the mother,

"If anything goes wrong, I need
to know who the father is."

And so I told her.

And she wrote all the
names down in her diary.

- This diary, which we
found on Danny's body.

Yes, Rupert, you are Philip's father.

- Yeah.

And I'm your son and heir.

Except for you people would
have found a way of screwing me.

Oh, we couldn't have some
lout from Lower Warden

take over the manor, could we?

- That's why I never told you.

- You did the right thing, Mom.

- Look at us.

We're a family.

- So long, Daddy.

(chorus singing in the distance)

- Back to normal, then?

- Normal's a bit weird around
here, isn't it, Mr. Wilson?

- No, Darren.

Weird's another place.

(gentle music)

- I never thought of you
as a gardener, Sarah.

- I'm keeping it nice for my son.

- Is it too late for us to be friends?

- Oh, I think so.

Don't you?

- You were right, it's not a bad book.

- It's very good.

- You didn't tell me that
the hero's name is Harrison,

Phil Harrison.

- You didn't ask.

- This your bookmark?

- Probably.

- Oh, no, it's not.

It's Danny's meatball recipe.

- (sighs) He seemed a nice boy.

- Oh, yeah.

Everybody liked him.

(suspenseful music)