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1
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,944
(giggling)
2
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:14,446
Freeze! End of the line, Coyote!
3
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,781
But, señor, why me?
4
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:17,483
You should be focused
on the drug smugglers.
5
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,284
Me? No!
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:21,053
It's the terrorists
who are the real danger.
7
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:24,490
Oh, no, we just make one
big kaboom, then leave.
8
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:25,891
Mexicans stay forever.
9
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,860
Immigrants provide
a valuable buffer
10
00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,162
between white neighborhoods
and black neighborhoods.
11
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,998
Our cocaine helps
make Andy Dick funny.
12
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,200
(indistinct shouting)
13
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,569
Could you hold this?
14
00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:42,074
Damn it, I'm supposed
to wear this tonight
15
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,443
in that production
of The Lone Ranger.
16
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,046
Tonto, we must ri...
17
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,347
Keep going.
18
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,015
Are you two gonna
become friends?
19
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,151
Never mind, I'll just watch.
20
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,386
(screeches)
21
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,161
♪ Ooh! ♪
22
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,163
♪ Ha! ♪
23
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,531
♪ Ooh! ♪
24
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:06,665
♪ Ha! ♪
25
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,000
Whoa!
26
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,614
NEWSCASTER:
Good afternoon.
27
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:24,683
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
In football news,
28
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,386
during last night's game,
the Mexifornia High Scalpers
29
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,855
ran out of non-paralyzed players
and were forced to put
30
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,957
some recently injured teammates
into the game.
31
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,826
Hike.
32
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,701
♪ It's the very best day
of the year ♪
33
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,269
♪ It's the very best day ♪
34
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,472
♪ Of the year ♪
35
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,307
♪ Bud can try to go hidin' ♪
36
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,576
♪ But I'm-a gonna ride him. ♪
37
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:51,877
What's with your mom?
38
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,479
It's Groundhog Day.
39
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,380
That's what we call my
parents' anniversary.
40
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:57,382
It's the one day a
year they have sex,
41
00:01:57,384 --> 00:02:00,252
if my dad's inverted penis
comes out of its hole.
42
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:02,955
I wonder if they're gonna stop
talking about Daddy's ding-dong
43
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:05,691
long enough to notice
I ain't in school.
44
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,895
(Janice humming)
45
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,499
Dear God, she remembered.
46
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,000
Hola, Bud.
47
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,935
Ernesto, what the hell
are those flowers for?
48
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,270
It's not your anniversary.
49
00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:19,938
I work with flowers all day,
50
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,075
and at night,
the flowers work for me.
51
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,444
MARIA:
Ooh, flowers!
52
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,146
ERNESTO:
Hola, boobs.
53
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,314
Happy Groundhog Day, Dad.
54
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,682
Break a penis.
55
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,651
Would you stop calling
it Groundhog Day?
56
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,786
Inverted penis is a
common medical condition,
57
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,588
like Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
58
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:39,258
STOMACH: (rumbles)
Modern music is terrible.
59
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:42,494
Does every show have to have
a gay character now?
60
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,430
Hey, there, my Bud stud.
61
00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:46,999
Hope you're ready
for our big night.
62
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,600
Sure, honey.
63
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,502
Oh, I forgot to get the mail.
64
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,237
Okay.
65
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,046
Crap.
66
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,514
Yay, piñata!
67
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,882
Ow! I am not a piñata!
68
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,350
Get away from me!
69
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,420
Hey, I earned that
from a stranger in a van!
70
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:13,358
Okay, Bud, just relax, relax.
71
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,793
It'll be over soon.
72
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,362
Time for the groundhog
to come out.
73
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,965
I drew an arrow
where it's supposed to go.
74
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,238
BUD:
No, no! Please!
75
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,239
(screaming)
76
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,473
Help!
77
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,375
JANICE:
Where is it? Come out.
78
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,643
BUD:
It's like peeling tape.
79
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,212
You got to find
a little corner
80
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:36,014
(sobbing): you can get
your fingernail under.
81
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,916
I'm gonna get it out
with the tweezers
82
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,685
from our "Operation" game.
83
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,019
No!
84
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,221
(buzzer blares)
85
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,488
(applause, whooping
in distance)
86
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,224
What the hell?
87
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:50,362
News trucks?
88
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,897
Am in a well again?
89
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,432
Hola, Buckwalds.
90
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,334
Maria's sister just had a baby.
91
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:56,902
I'm Carlos Sanchez here live,
92
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,537
where the baby
has just been born
93
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,072
that tips
Mexifornia's population
94
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:01,573
to a Latino majority.
95
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,242
For the first time
since the town was founded,
96
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,843
whites are a minority.
97
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,545
What?! That's impossible!
98
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:07,846
If I'm a minority,
99
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,915
then how come I still
ain't got rhythm?
100
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,750
(dance music playing)
101
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,686
Oh, God, it's true!
102
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,922
Ha! In your face, gringo!
103
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,424
And you, too, neighbor
of unknown origin.
104
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,660
(speaking gibberish)
105
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,063
Don't worry, Bud.
106
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,865
It's not so bad
being a minority.
107
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,501
Everyone loves your food,
but hates you.
108
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,372
(screeches)
109
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,607
(news theme music playing)
110
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,909
We're out on the streets to find
out how people are reacting
111
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:40,078
to the new Latino majority
in Mexifornia.
112
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,213
How about you, sir?
113
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:42,414
I'm no longer a minority?
114
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,049
That's right.
115
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,219
But your gated community
is still white.
116
00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:49,054
So, how was your anniversary?
117
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,889
Did the groundhog
come out this year?
118
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,224
Uh, no.
119
00:04:52,226 --> 00:04:53,725
How do you and Ernesto manage
120
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,294
to keep the spark
in your relationship?
121
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,628
It's easy.
122
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,497
We watch erotic films
from the '70s.
123
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,733
You know how much I like seeing
a bush that needs trimming.
124
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,969
Well, I'm sorry Bud
doesn't provide you
125
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,337
the romance you deserve.
126
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,406
You know, there's plenty
of men out there.
127
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:10,108
My handsome brother
Jorge is still single.
128
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:13,412
It's so hard finding a nice girl
on Grindr these days.
129
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,513
(laughs)
130
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:18,050
ALL:
Aw, straight Uncle Jorge.
131
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,620
Papi, why do you need
to put that flag up?
132
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,088
I can't see the street.
133
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,523
Now is our time,
134
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,425
and soon our brothers
from Puerto Rico
135
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,360
will control New York.
136
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,162
(horn blows in distance)
137
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:32,230
It is done.
138
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,467
How could this happen?
139
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,269
Mexicans can't be
the majority.
140
00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:38,437
Majority means better.
141
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,138
The Diction Fairy told me so.
142
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,440
You mean the dictionary?
143
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:42,708
What's a dictionary?
144
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,042
Don't listen to them, Bud.
145
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,844
I'll tell you what words mean.
146
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,779
Dad, that's nothing
to get upset about.
147
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,881
The establishment
has always felt threatened
148
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,516
by the new immigrants
on the block.
149
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,185
When the Irish came over,
everyone thought
150
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,953
they were going
to destroy America,
151
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,788
but is anyone threatened
by the Irish nowadays?
152
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,458
No. They all eventually
become just Americans.
153
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,959
(phone rings)
154
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,362
BUD: I'm in your room,
burning your stuff.
155
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,502
RADIO ANNOUNCER: You're listening
to Scalpers Football Radio.
156
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:13,071
At least Mexicans
haven't taken over everything.
157
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:15,907
For the last time,
101.5 The Scalp
158
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:19,077
is now
Uno-Cero-Uno-Punto-Cinco QMEX.
159
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,046
What?!
160
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,556
(horn blares)
161
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,726
Look at that.
Now that we're a minority,
162
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,396
I can't even relate
to TV shows anymore.
163
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:40,665
Is there an N with one of
those squiggly things over it?
164
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,635
(bell dinging, applause)
165
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,604
Looks like this guy's
166
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:48,006
feliz navi-dead.
167
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,009
♪ ♪
(howling): Si...!
168
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,378
Oh, thank God Donovan Cobb
is still on.
169
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:56,581
It's no surprise that Latinos
have become the majority.
170
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,083
Look at their birth rate!
171
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,285
If whites want to reclaim
the majority status,
172
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,120
they need to have more babies.
173
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:05,357
To help, here's my new album for
white people to make love to,
174
00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:07,125
Honkies be Boinkin'.
175
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,260
(marching band playing)
176
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,861
(low, sexy voice):
Oh, yeah.
177
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,963
All night long.
178
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,566
To the briggy break of dawn.
179
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,268
My God, he's right.
180
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,637
Listen, you guys, unless you
want to stay a minority forever,
181
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,972
you better get to making
more babies.
182
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,308
My sister and I
did our part.
183
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,643
It's just skin,
184
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,411
but you could put it
over a non-white person
185
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,113
to make him white.
186
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,715
Now you're Connor!
187
00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:32,484
If it helps,
there's some white girls
188
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,886
in my basement that
weren't counted in the census.
189
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,121
Hey, what about you, Bud?
190
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,489
Are you gonna get
Janice pregnant?
191
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,890
Who, me?
192
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,792
Oh, no, my wife has trouble
in the bedroom.
193
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,561
Her husband's
not attracted to her.
194
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,629
Well, ain't that
kind of hypocritical?
195
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,165
Yeah, Bud, put your penis
where your mouth is.
196
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,100
Fine, fine, fine, I'll do it!
197
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,903
I'll make the ultimate sacrifice
for my country
198
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,773
and have sex with my wife.
199
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:57,843
You know what, I'm gonna
have sex with my wife, too.
200
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,644
I'm coming, Sharon.
201
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,147
No judge can keep us apart.
202
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,421
Oh, teacher Maria,
203
00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:11,423
I'll do anything
for a hall pass,
204
00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:13,658
except my homework.
(giggles)
205
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,527
Oh, crap,
they're making another baby.
206
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:18,029
Knock it off!
Stop being horny all the time!
207
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,364
You're ruining the country!
208
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:22,033
Oh, no, it's the
angry vice principal.
209
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,769
No, no, I'm not part of this!
210
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:31,276
All right, time to make a baby
and get my country back.
211
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,278
Hey there, Janice.
212
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,347
If you're free for
the next two minutes,
213
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,316
I'll only need one of them.
214
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:39,985
Oh, I don't know, Bud.
215
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,453
I'm kind of tired.
216
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:43,021
What?! Oh, come on, Janice.
217
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,289
You're always begging for sex.
218
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:45,490
Now you don't want it?
219
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:46,791
What would a Kennedy do?
220
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,860
Drive her into a lake
and leave her.
221
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,296
The go back to the party.
These are facts.
222
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,465
Bud, after the way
you treated me the other day,
223
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,734
you can't just barge in here
expecting sex.
224
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:58,870
You know, Ernesto
romances Maria every night.
225
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:02,641
If you want sex, you're gonna
have to learn to romance me.
226
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,643
Well, at least Ernesto
struck out.
227
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,812
Otherwise he'd be singing
his post-sex mariachi music.
228
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,048
(Ernesto singing
post-sex mariachi music)
229
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,389
Okay, good night.
230
00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,624
(snoring)
231
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:27,032
I tried to get Janice
to make a white baby,
232
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,034
but now I can't even get her
to sleep with me.
233
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:30,201
I don't know what to do.
234
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,736
You know, Bud, if you and Janice
235
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,204
are having problems
in the bedroom,
236
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,573
there's professionals
who can help.
237
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,141
This guy left his card.
238
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,244
Well, I got to try something.
239
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,246
I guess I'll give
this guy a call.
240
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,885
(electric whirring)
241
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:50,121
Washington up, honey.
242
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,356
(clattering)
243
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:54,159
Aw, man, I wanted a Coke.
244
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,630
(laughter and applause over TV)
245
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,432
Over the years,
some have complained
246
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:02,467
that my panel doesn't have
enough diversity,
247
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,036
so tonight's panel
will be comprised solely
248
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,439
of minority voices.
Let's meet them now.
249
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,408
Please welcome,
from the Eagles, Glenn Frey,
250
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,977
NBA legend Larry Bird,
251
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,612
and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
252
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,146
I'm the Michelin Man!
253
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,615
You saying we all look alike?
254
00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,116
You're racist!
255
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,385
(giggles)
That's a coincidence.
256
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,621
Becky, I think I'm having
an identity crisis.
257
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:25,557
I've spent my whole life being
the voice of the oppressed,
258
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,425
but now I've become
the oppressor.
259
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,094
J.C., you don't
have to feel bad
260
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,496
about being part of
the majority population.
261
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,131
Today I crossed the street
262
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,233
when I saw some white bankers
coming my way.
263
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,635
They don't all steal money.
264
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,836
Just most of them.
265
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,137
My God, J.C.
266
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,006
You're having
brown guilt.
267
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:43,274
I know.
I tried to assuage it
268
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,277
by becoming a big brother
for a white outer-city kid.
269
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,313
How long is this gonna take?
270
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,415
I have sailing practice.
271
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:59,090
(sighs)
What do I got to lose?
272
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,159
Uh-oh, looks like a
minority is hanging out
273
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,527
in front of my house.
274
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,962
I better call the cops.
275
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:05,363
(laughs)
Just kidding.
276
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,865
What's going on, dude?
277
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,199
Ernesto, leave me alone.
278
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,035
I'm trying to make
an important phone call.
279
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,036
(cell phone rings)
280
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,038
Hello?
Damn it, Ernesto!
281
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,873
Will you stop talking
at the same time
282
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,541
and in the same voice
as Dr. Love?
283
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,942
I am Dr. Love.
284
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,612
Wait, uh,
you're Dr. Love?
285
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,649
What else haven't you
been telling me?
286
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,851
Ernesto, the peasants
are in trouble.
287
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,453
Not for long.
288
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,089
(horse whinnies)
289
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,294
Ew, my horse's
wiener came out.
290
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:41,232
Well, if this is how Mexicans
became the majority,
291
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,868
maybe it'll help a white guy
like me win it back.
292
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,871
Welcome to Dr. Love's
Escuela de Love.
293
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,240
Now, Bud, my tips are geared
toward Latin men,
294
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,309
but I'll try
to help you, too.
295
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,745
Lesson one.
296
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:56,815
A whisper in the ear of
your lover can open her heart.
297
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,583
For example--
298
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:01,553
only in your eyes,
can I behold my own soul.
299
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,354
Now you try it, Bud.
300
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:07,325
Our love towel is gonna
attract so many ants.
301
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:08,893
Okay, okay, not bad,
302
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,262
but let the true romantic
in you come out.
303
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,265
Like-- in your smile
is something
304
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:17,669
more beautiful and infinite
than the stars.
305
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:21,106
If I got to throw up,
I'm just gonna swallow it.
306
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,541
Okay, Bud, sounds like
you're getting the hang of it.
307
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:27,512
I'm gonna grow an extra penis
and throw it out the window.
308
00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,619
Benjamin Bratt, Javier Bardem
and Antonio Banderas!
309
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,254
What are you
doing here?
310
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,689
Ernesto, we cannot allow you
311
00:12:37,691 --> 00:12:39,424
to teach our ways of love
to gringos.
312
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,426
I will teach
whoever needs my help.
313
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,428
Everyone deserves
a chance to learn.
314
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,430
He is not worthy
of making love
315
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,365
to both Vicki
and Christina as I did.
316
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,467
Javier, you know that was
just a movie, right?
317
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,869
What's a movie?
318
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:53,772
Yes, we cannot have
them becoming He-Men.
319
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:54,939
Skeletor?
320
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,307
I didn't know
you were Latino.
321
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,776
I'm not Skeletor.
322
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,144
I'm Marc Anthony.
323
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:01,546
(laughs maniacally)
324
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:06,384
Ernesto, I just wanted
to check when you'd be home.
325
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,786
Oh, my!
326
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,087
Hola, Maria.
327
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,656
I have a rash
on my rectum.
328
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,424
(moans)
329
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:14,926
Ernesto, I can't
resist him.
330
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:15,960
Help!
331
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,195
Quick, grab on!
332
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,532
This is weird.
333
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,602
(door opens)
334
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,437
Hey there, Janice.
335
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:27,939
Ooh, Bud.
336
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,608
You look like
a less-drunk George Lopez.
337
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:33,611
I got all of my farts out
in the hallway.
338
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:36,881
GERT: Why does the hallway
smell like Southwest Airlines?
339
00:13:43,757 --> 00:13:46,157
Oh, Bud, that was wonderful.
340
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,194
I don't care how many medical
authorities say otherwise,
341
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,162
you are an anatomical man.
342
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,931
Well, let's just
hope we made a baby.
343
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,199
Baby?
344
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,668
Oh, Bud, I can't get
pregnant anymore.
345
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,603
Remember when I did a flip
on the trampoline
346
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,872
and my uterus flew out
across the yard? What?!
347
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,373
You can't have a baby?!
348
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,542
Janice, this is why
we're a minority!
349
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,478
Hey, Bud, the baby my cousin
had just had a baby.
350
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,014
You got to see this-- it's
like those Russian dolls!
351
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,249
Aah!
352
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,226
Demitri is impossible
to work with!
353
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:24,495
Dad, what's wrong?
354
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,331
What's wrong is his people
have moved in
355
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,066
and taken over
our country.
356
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,902
There's no need to freak out
about the population shift.
357
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,370
Nothing has changed!
358
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,738
Everything has changed!
359
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,741
Our once-proud white culture
is disappearing.
360
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,577
Our whole way of life is
in danger of being lost.
361
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,079
Don't worry, Bud.
362
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,580
I won't let that happen.
363
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,249
J.C., what are
you doing?
364
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,084
He's just overreacting.
365
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,253
No, Becky, this is
my new calling.
366
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,021
I will go down in history
367
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,991
as the first Latino activist
to fight for white rights.
368
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,192
What are you gonna do?
369
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,226
I don't know.
370
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,427
Let's do it!
371
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,932
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Mexican Shark Tank.
372
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,400
Hello, sharks.
373
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,369
Have you ever been driving home,
and you thought,
374
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:06,237
"I would like
to have an orange"?
375
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:09,173
Well, what if you saw
a whole bag of oranges?
376
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:10,909
Sharks, I am asking
for four dollars
377
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,912
for an 80% stake in my company.
378
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,346
(whispering)
379
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:20,618
Good evening. Our top story--
local activist J.C. Gonzalez
380
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,453
has successfully petitioned
the government
381
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,589
to protect minority
Caucasian culture
382
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,890
by setting aside government land
383
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,592
for a "White People
Reservation."
384
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,961
The idea was proposed
by local white, Bud Buckwald.
385
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,430
Buckwald is known for filing
a lawsuit against a raccoon
386
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,899
and yelling at a cancer patient
during the national anthem
387
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,601
to "take his damn cap off."
388
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,636
Hey, Bud, congrats
on the reservation!
389
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,639
Oh, that's right,
he moved to the reservation.
390
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,742
Well, I guess it's
The Ernesto Show now!
391
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,378
(groans)
I don't have any ideas.
392
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,989
Well, Bud, your people
will now have a place
393
00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,591
free of the corrupting
influence of other cultures.
394
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,493
J.C., I-I don't know
how to thank you.
395
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,595
Your name will
go down in history,
396
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,431
alongside all
the great heroes
397
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,067
who confined other ethnic groups
to a concentrated area.
398
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,237
What the hell?
399
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,641
Oh, crap.
400
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,009
Hey, George!
401
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,311
Isn't this great?
We're neighbors!
402
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,347
We're gonna need to borrow
a lot of stuff!
403
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,215
We brought nothing!
404
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,698
Bud, I don't want to live
on a white people reservation.
405
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,633
If you're still worried
about being a minority,
406
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,702
we'll search every Dumpster
in America
407
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,437
and find some white babies.
408
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:49,440
Yeah, Dad, isolating
yourself is not the answer.
409
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,310
It's important to protect
what little we have left.
410
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:54,712
Otherwise, our grandchildren
will never know our customs
411
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,715
and traditional dances,
like "The Twist" or "The Robot."
412
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,184
(in monotone):
I am a sentient robot.
413
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,387
Must destroy all humans.
414
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:05,023
Oh, Bud, this is the dance
we did at our wedding.
415
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,190
(horn honks)
416
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,825
¡Hola, Bud!
417
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,962
Oh, God, I thought I finally
got away from this guy.
418
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,366
I brought you
a reservation-warming gift--
419
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,235
yummy enchiladas. Mmm!
420
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,904
Oh, great, I'll just put these
in the ethnic food section
421
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:21,572
of our reservation.
422
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,542
(chuckles):
Wow.
423
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:27,245
Usually when this many white
guys gather in a crappy place,
424
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,646
it's to kill others
or themselves.
425
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,181
This reservation
ain't crappy.
426
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,150
It's got everything a
white guy could want.
427
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,684
Look around.
428
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:36,387
There's the reservation's
basketball court.
429
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,322
The hoops are five feet,
eight inches high,
430
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,757
and there's no jumping allowed.
431
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,659
Damn it!
432
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,929
This is where we put water
into plastic bottles.
433
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:47,398
Otherwise, our people
will die of thirst.
434
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,601
We believe that drinking
free water steals your soul.
435
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,637
Kiernan, no!
436
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:57,341
And here's a lab where
scientists work on new words
437
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,945
to make whites excited
about riding a stationary bike.
438
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,346
I've got it.
439
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:03,748
"Pedal burn."
440
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,450
(whooping)
Yes! Yes!
441
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,285
Oh, yes!
Finally!
442
00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:11,522
Here's our tribal casino
443
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,458
where we can fleece the
majority populations.
444
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,660
Cool! Gambling!
445
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,797
Damn it, Ernesto, we can't
afford to have you win.
446
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,033
We haven't fleeced
anyone yet!
447
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:24,936
Hey, get back here!
448
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,971
Celine Dion is in there!
449
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,974
CELINE DION:
♪ Near, far... ♪
450
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,709
ERNESTO:
Hey, keep it down back there.
451
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,545
♪ Being pulled by a car... ♪
452
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,480
(groans)
453
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,547
♪ I know... ♪
454
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,149
(tires screech)
Oh!
455
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,258
(owl hoots, wind whistles)
456
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:50,628
And this is a family
in its domestic habitat.
457
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,997
J.C., what the hell
do you think you're doing?
458
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,298
Leading a tour.
459
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,766
These people came to
see the last remains
460
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,268
of indigenous
white culture.
461
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,670
Hey, knock it off!
And tell your teenagers
462
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,906
to stop wearing
confusingly-sexy pigtails!
463
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:04,976
Look at this, Dad.
464
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,978
We've become
an historical exhibit.
465
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:07,979
She's right, Bud.
466
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,280
I want to go home.
467
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,315
I knew I was gonna
hear Jimmy Buffet,
468
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:14,252
but nothing prepared me
for this much Jimmy Buffet.
469
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,653
And I miss Running Water,
470
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,655
my little Indian friend
across the street.
471
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,291
Dad, you think
this is protecting America,
472
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:23,294
but America is what we left
behind in Mexifornia.
473
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:26,931
And that's where I want to live,
even if we are the minority.
474
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,634
You guys want to go? Fine.
475
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:32,036
Leave me behind, just
like my battalion mates
476
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,105
during Desert Storm
after I deserted,
477
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:37,975
briefly joined the Iraqi army,
then asked if I could come back.
478
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:41,012
Good afternoon, I'm... Hey, the
border station's on the news.
479
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,313
Wonder what's going on.
480
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,015
I ain't been at work
for a month.
481
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,816
The last month has seen
a steep decline
482
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,552
in illegal border-crossings
483
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,354
due to the extended absence
of one incompetent agent.
484
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:51,656
Wonder who that idiot is.
485
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,524
I can't wait
to rip him a new one
486
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,393
when I get back
from my extended absence.
487
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,028
This decline in crossings,
488
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,564
combined with a gross Caucasian
woman having octuplets,
489
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:02,400
has shifted the population
back to a white majority.
490
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:03,801
What?! Yes!
491
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,403
(whoops)
We did it!
492
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,305
My God, we did it!
493
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,472
(whoops)
494
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,742
(whoops, laughs)
495
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:13,377
Hey, everyone, did you hear?!
496
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,413
We're no longer the minority!
497
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,114
Darryl, high-five!
498
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,083
Hola, Bud.
499
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,084
We did it!
500
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:22,153
(laughing)
501
00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:24,088
Stop, Bud, I'm ticklish!
502
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,423
(Ernesto giggles)
503
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:26,424
(door closes)
504
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:27,925
Bud, you're home.
505
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,393
You're damn right, I am.
506
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,728
Didn't you see the news?
507
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,597
Our town's back to
the way it was--
508
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,265
whites are the majority!
509
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,566
(laughs)
510
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,201
I'm so excited,
511
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,503
I think the groundhog's
gonna make an appearance.
512
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:41,539
(chuckles):
Oh...
513
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,341
Kids, go play
at the Gonzalez's house,
514
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,942
and barricade
the windows.
515
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:48,279
Your father and I are gonna
destroy this place.
516
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,617
BUD:
Geronimo!
517
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,218
(crashing)
518
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,219
(Bud and Janice
laugh excitedly)
519
00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:56,621
BUD:
Ooh, yeah.
520
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,689
Oh, yes. Yeah.
521
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,251
Happy anniversary, honey.
522
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,819
(baby laughing)
523
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:32,890
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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