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1
00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:03,435
(bird screeches)
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,841
El Coyote!
Your ass is mine!
3
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,612
You bastard!
Get back here!
4
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,352
Where is he?!
Where did that bastard go?!
5
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,187
¡Hola, señor!
6
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:25,457
What the Garth Brooks are you
doing down there upside-downy?!
7
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:26,859
I'm not upside-downy.
8
00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:28,727
You are. Look.
9
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,329
Fart socks!
10
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:34,066
(wind whistling)
(mumbling gibberish)
11
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:44,410
You're more valuable
to me alive.
12
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,578
Viva Coyote.
13
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,080
I'm gonna catch that guy.
14
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,916
Then I'll be the one
kissing him triumphantly!
15
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:53,152
(screeches)
16
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,826
♪ Ooh! ♪
17
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,895
♪ Ha! ♪
18
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,229
♪ Ooh! ♪
19
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,397
♪ Ha! ♪
20
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:06,765
Whoa!
21
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:18,210
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Good morning, Mexifornia.
22
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,712
We're coming at you with Scalper Football Radio.
23
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:22,347
Just four more days till Friday night,
24
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:23,582
the night our Mexifornia Scalpers
25
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,917
bring the tomahawk down
26
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,852
on the Willie Nelson High
Heat Strokes.
27
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,387
Who wants
to talk high school football?
28
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:29,721
You're on the air.
29
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,223
MAN:
This Coach Clark is a bum.
30
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:32,858
Who's he think he is?
31
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,394
I saw him rebuilding his house
after we burned it down.
32
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,396
He should be coaching them kids!
33
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:39,364
ANNOUNCER:
Well, he probably doesn't like
34
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:41,533
becoming homeless every week, but it's letting him know
35
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,735
how important football is to us here in Mexifornia.
36
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,970
All right, next caller.
37
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,538
WOMAN:
There's someone in my house.
38
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,040
Please send help!
39
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:49,775
ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry.
This is a football show.
40
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,944
Women know nothing about sports.
41
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,216
Good evening, Mexifornia.
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
42
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,818
In high school football news,
following Friday's loss,
43
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,320
Coach Clark was placed in
44
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,822
the Brazen Bull for penance.
45
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,291
Oh, God! It's hot! Aah!
46
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,660
I only took this job
so I could teach driver's ed!
47
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,928
(screaming)
48
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,597
(bull bellowing)
49
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,165
Ugh, poor Coach Clark!
50
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,634
This town is way too obsessed
with high school football.
51
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,436
How dare you say that.
52
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,837
Football is everything!
53
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,772
Without football, how
would kids grow up
54
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,241
to become
failed realtors?
55
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,675
You've got
a hot temper,
56
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,777
and football always
brings out the worst of it.
57
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:28,313
Face it, Becky,
we're a football family.
58
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,982
In high school,
your father scored
59
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,484
the game-winning touchdown
in the state championship.
60
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,120
Boy, I can still
hear those cheers.
61
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:37,189
MAN:
No! You're going the wrong way!
62
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,291
ANNOUNCER:
Touchdown! Mexifornia loses!
63
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,360
MAN 2:
Somebody invent YouTube!
64
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,029
Hey, Daddy, you ain't
the only one who can reminisce.
65
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,497
MAN:
No, little girl!
66
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,999
That cake is for the whole wedding!
67
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,433
MAN 2:
Someone stop her!
68
00:02:48,435 --> 00:02:50,102
WOMAN:
No! It's my wedding day!
69
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:52,437
I want to see if she can eat the whole thing!
70
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,209
Ernesto, what the hell
kind of crazy holiday
71
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,944
are you decorating for now?
72
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,879
No holiday. It's fútbol!
73
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,447
I'm showing my colors
74
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,650
for the Chivas de
Guadalajara fútbol team!
75
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,652
They only need 260 more wins
76
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,854
to advance to the
regional semifinals.
77
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,722
That's soccer.
Don't call that football.
78
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,458
Football is a man's game.
(chuckles)
79
00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:17,095
How's a 16-year-old gonna
get Alzheimer's playing soccer?
80
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,698
Hey, hey, Coach!
Oh, hey, Bud.
81
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,166
Oh, boy, am I looking forward
to the game.
82
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,634
We gonna win this week?
83
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,036
Well, you-you win
some, you lose some.
84
00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,637
I wouldn't get too
wrapped up in it.
85
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,372
That bear won't leave
the town kindergarten.
86
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,075
Maybe folks use their
pitchforks and torches on that.
87
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,411
You better win this Friday,
88
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,880
or I'll do to you
what I did to my wife, Patty.
89
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:37,716
Yeah!
That's enough, Patty.
90
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:40,419
(pigs snorting)
91
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:44,156
MAN: Help! I'm in a canyon,
and my arm's stuck!
92
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:45,891
Anyone?
93
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,393
Hey, Buckwald, thought of you
watching the Scalpers this year,
94
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,828
so I got you this.
95
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,196
It's a morphine drip,
96
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,864
'cause watching your team
is so painful.
97
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,900
Then I realized
there are 12 games,
98
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,335
so I bought you 11 more.
99
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,237
Then I realized
you probably won't be going
100
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,172
to the away games,
so I kept six.
101
00:04:00,174 --> 00:04:01,607
Anyway, boo-yah!
102
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,609
You can't trash-talk
Mexifornia.
103
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,010
We live in the same town!
104
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,511
Bite your tongue!
105
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:08,013
North Mexifornia is
three blocks north
106
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,514
and eight inches higher
in elevation.
107
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,849
They're nothing alike!
108
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,618
Well, if North Mexifornia
is so great,
109
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,119
how come it hasn't been chosen
110
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,388
as the U.S.'s official
atomic test site
111
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,856
for the last ten years running?
112
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,358
Yeah!
113
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,260
North Mexifornia High
is undefeated,
114
00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,629
and they're gonna kick
Mexifornia's ass this year.
115
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,597
Just like we've done
every single year
116
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,699
since our school was
founded two years ago.
117
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,469
So, boo-yah!
118
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:36,241
(men speaking Spanish)
119
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,777
Geez, it's just a
game, you lunatics.
120
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,079
Don't talk about
our portero, you bitch!
121
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,582
I'll give your face
a red card!
122
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,784
¡Hola, Bud!
123
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,719
♪ ♪
124
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,321
(belching)
125
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,323
(sighs) I... I don't
know how much longer
126
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,125
I can take coaching
this football team.
127
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:55,727
It's just not worth the
$4,000 a year they pay me.
128
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,297
They made our football out
of the last coach's skin.
129
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,332
He's a liar! I'm
his ex-girlfriend!
130
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,933
He's a psychopath!
131
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,303
Oh, come on. You've got
the greatest job in the world!
132
00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,738
You're part of the glory years
for these kids.
133
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:10,142
My memories of playing football,
then getting drunk with the guys
134
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,811
and lighting enormous
gasoline fires in the desert--
135
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,646
that's what keeps me going.
136
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,348
(man screaming)
137
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,517
That flame is
your life, fellas.
138
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,353
Keep it lit. (sighs)
I guess you're right.
139
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:24,823
Mom, you forgot to give me
my lunch money again.
140
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,160
Aw!
Aw!
141
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:30,362
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Friday Night Football.
142
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,830
Tonight, the Scalpers face off
143
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,865
against the Willie Nelson High
Heat Strokes
144
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,301
as I face off
against heroin withdrawal.
145
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,270
Is anyone else freezing
and sweating?
146
00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:40,672
All right,
Friday night football!
147
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,207
(hooting)
148
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,042
Go, Scalpers!
149
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:47,145
George, how can you participate
in this wildly offensive
150
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,381
and inaccurate caricature
of your noble people?
151
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,984
They paid me ten bucks
to pose for the mascot.
152
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,855
(marching band
plays upbeat tune)
153
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,323
Oh, he has clothes on.
154
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,359
It's weird they
made me pose naked.
155
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,195
Welcome, everyone! Now let's
kick off the festivities
156
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,197
with the traditional
Shooting of a Scientist.
157
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,898
Evolution is real!
158
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,000
The Earth is four
billion years old!
159
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:12,070
You son of a bitch!
(audience members groaning)
160
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,139
Climate change is man-made!
161
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,541
Barbecuing releases carcinogens!
162
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,377
(crowd cheering)
163
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,147
(tires squealing)
164
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,815
All right, men, let's win this!
165
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,617
(cheering)
166
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:33,558
(grunts) ANNOUNCER: The Scalpers
fumble and turn over the ball
167
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,160
for another Heat Strokes
touchdown,
168
00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,596
as time runs out
on this game and my marriage.
169
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,365
Congratulations, Tiffany,
on half a Volkswagen.
170
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,100
(horn blares)
171
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,568
Damn it!
I don't get it!
172
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,004
We put a ton of pressure
on these teenagers!
173
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,439
Coach Clark sucks!
174
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,940
Let's get him!
175
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,842
(crowd shouting)
176
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,878
Look, there's a soldier
returning home,
177
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,381
and his dog is seeing him
for the first time!
178
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:59,551
(crowd shouting angrily)
179
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,019
Let's get him, guys!
180
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,121
Wait a minute.
Where's Slick Ronnie?
181
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,323
Banging your wives.
182
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,793
It's just a game!
183
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,528
You people need to get lives!
184
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,129
So we lost. So what?!
185
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,731
(crowd gasping)
You're right.
186
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,099
Well, now I feel stupid!
187
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,067
This is for making
me feel stupid!
188
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,135
Aah!
189
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,573
You didn't air out
the ball enough!
190
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,241
You didn't run
the ball enough!
191
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:25,277
You didn't do any of the tricks
they do in the movies!
192
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,646
Where was the girl dressed as
a boy with something to prove?
193
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,481
Where was
the wide receiver dog?
194
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,383
Or the special kid
who thinks he's a radio?
195
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:33,485
I could have coached
a thousand times better
196
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:34,753
with my eyes closed!
197
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,488
You think you can
do better, Bud?
198
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,790
Then go ahead!
199
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,792
You're the coach now!
200
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,668
(rhythmic tapping)
201
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,504
If you don't win,
you're dead.
202
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,738
(doorbell rings)
203
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,106
Ugh, who's that?
204
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,908
Janice, don't open the door!
205
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:59,311
(door opens) MAN: Hi. I'm
Brad from widow-daters.com.
206
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:02,314
JANICE: Shh, shh, shh. Not yet.
Come back Saturday.
207
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,820
¡Hola, Bud! I heard
the great news!
208
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,156
Shh! It's not good news.
It's terrible news!
209
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,592
Being a coach ain't
some dumb border security job.
210
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,993
This is life and death!
211
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,428
You wouldn't understand.
212
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:18,697
You watch soccer,
a civilized sport.
213
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,166
(announcer speaking Spanish)
214
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,605
Hey, that's not a
regulation-size head!
215
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,442
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Could Bud Buckwald be
the savior of the Mexifornia Scalpers?
216
00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:32,777
Is what no one
is saying this morning.
217
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,613
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
218
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,815
See Coach Buckwald's
head get smashed
219
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,985
with a m-m-m-m-monster truck!
220
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,354
♪ Burning down Bud's house. ♪
221
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:44,389
MAN:
Help!
222
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,358
I guess
I should just cut it off.
223
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,993
Unless someone can hear me.
224
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:51,196
Our top story-- recently
kidnapped drug lord Juan Diablo
225
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,298
surfaced and released
this unusual video
226
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,300
about his longtime rival,
Pablo Barracuda.
227
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:58,003
I am handing over
my entire drug empire
228
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,171
to my good friend,
Pablo Barracuda.
229
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,507
He is way better
at drugs than me.
230
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,844
Remember to edit me out before
you send this to the news.
231
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,746
Nah, actually, leave it in.
232
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,916
The news will know that if they
play this part, I'll kill them.
233
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,419
This is fake?!
234
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,488
Hey, Bud, pretty cool
being the coach, eh?
235
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:19,391
Reminds me of the time I coached
a high school football team
236
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,059
made up of the cast
of Cheers.
237
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,261
That doesn't sound
interesting. Shut up!
238
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,930
(sighs)
I'm a dead man.
239
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,831
We got no running game.
240
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,900
We've got some
border crossers!
241
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,405
(grunting)
242
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:36,908
♪ ♪
243
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,567
You guys go ahead.
I'll take it from here.
244
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,369
You may have
the boy, but first,
245
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,137
you must answers
these riddles three.
246
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,540
Yeah, uh, no.
247
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:11,343
No one's interested
in your riddles, Roy.
248
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,780
Is jail?
249
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,450
No, this home is only
a prison for me.
250
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,952
You are gonna
play football.
251
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,823
(door creaking)
252
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,726
(clears throat)
I'd like you all
253
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:30,629
to meet my new buddy,
an exchange student named, uh...
254
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,064
Oh, let's see. We got to
give you a good American name.
255
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,432
Ooh, I got it!
256
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,735
Duke! Duke Americanman!
257
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,436
¿Esta es una casa?
258
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,672
Aquí vive una bola de cochinos.
259
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:44,342
Why would you, of all racists,
bring a Mexican into your home?
260
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,778
Plenty of racists bring
minorities into their homes.
261
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,014
That's what the whole
Civil War was about.
262
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,516
Duke, this will be
your bedroom.
263
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,118
Oh, get out, you bum!
264
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,886
I got a real son now.
265
00:10:55,922 --> 00:10:58,289
Cool. My own place.
266
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,358
♪ ♪
267
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,093
(snoring)
268
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,595
Okay.
269
00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,263
Let's teach you
how to play football.
270
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,365
Ah, ¡fútbol!
No, no, no, no, no!
271
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:11,102
That's not football!
Now, this is a football.
272
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,871
¿Qué? No entiendo inglés.
273
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,140
Oh, crap. You can't understand
a thing I'm saying.
274
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,308
I got to find
someone who speaks Spanish.
275
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,344
♪ Para lavar mi troca ♪
276
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,047
♪ Para lavar mi troca ♪
277
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,783
♪ Se necesita
un poco de agua ♪
278
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,485
♪ Así, así, a mover la colita ♪
279
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,721
¡Hola, Bud!
Uh, hey, Ernesto.
280
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,524
How would you like to be
my assistant football coach?
281
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:36,161
Okay! Well, Daisy Dukes,
you got me another job!
282
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,363
♪ Ernesto's
coaching football ♪
283
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,231
♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
Please don't sing.
284
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,300
♪ Ernesto's coaching football ♪
Stop it.
285
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,835
♪ With Bud his neighbor ♪
286
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,870
♪ And also la migra ♪
That's enough.
287
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,972
♪ La migra, la migra ♪
No.
288
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,709
♪ Con Ernesto, con Ernesto ♪
Please, no.
289
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,177
That's enough.
♪ Con Ernesto. ♪
290
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,578
Hey, Mom! Dad's gay.
291
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,513
JANICE:
I know, dear.
292
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,982
(whistle blows)
293
00:11:57,984 --> 00:12:00,418
Coach Clark, are you going
to be reffing the games now?
294
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,188
No, I'm on break from my job
at Lady Foot Locker.
295
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,223
I'm just here
to see Bud fail.
296
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,825
Got these for 30% off.
297
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,027
They're women's,
but I have dainty feet.
298
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,529
So, uh, life's good.
299
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:15,700
Players, this is your new
teammate, Duke Americanman.
300
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:16,901
Ernesto, tell him
to take the ball
301
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,536
and run towards
the end zone.
302
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:20,438
But do it in that fruit-hat
language you speak.
303
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,808
Correlé pa'llá.
304
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,350
Wow, I just figured out the
secret to great running backs!
305
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,052
Not being white!
306
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:37,088
(players cheering)
307
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,257
(crowd cheering)
308
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,362
(cheering)
309
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,433
(cheering)
310
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,874
(cheering)
311
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,512
♪ ♪
312
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,764
Duke, buddy,
this is Beef Corral,
313
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:22,567
the finest
in Mexifornia dining.
314
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,569
This place is great.
If you eat your body weight,
315
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,805
you get your
picture on the wall!
316
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,742
Why don't you go
hit the buffet.
317
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:33,077
Dad, it's clear you've smuggled
in an undocumented immigrant
318
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:36,181
and are exploiting him to
help you win football games.
319
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:38,483
Hey, he's got a way
better life here
320
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,118
than he ever
did in Mexico.
321
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,786
If anyone's hungry
for lasagna,
322
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:44,155
Jamie Kennedy just
brought out a fresh tray.
323
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,158
And for your information,
I'm helping Duke get his papers.
324
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,961
Oh, so he's
the only immigrant you'll help?
325
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,462
He's getting
preferential treatment
326
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,797
just because
he's an athlete!
327
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:55,200
This is exploitation,
it's injustice,
328
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,935
and I won't stand for it!
329
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,837
I am so angry right now!
330
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,438
Somebody needs a nap.
331
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,340
I don't need a nap!
332
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:03,842
Put me down!
333
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,877
BECKY:
I was right!
334
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,679
He's already sleeping.
335
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,852
I'd like to report
a massive scandal.
336
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,521
Duke Americanman is
an undocumented immigrant
337
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,456
being held in this town
and exploited
338
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,225
just to win football games!
339
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,527
My God!
Let's get on this!
340
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,562
(grunting)
341
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,498
Go, Scalpers football!
342
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,301
Let's see the Internet
throw someone off a bridge.
343
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:31,469
(whistle blows)
344
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,138
Great job out there today!
345
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:36,040
Remember, clear eyes,
full hearts...
346
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,308
PLAYERS:
Can't lose!
347
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:38,743
(players cheering)
348
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,212
If there's grass on
the field, play ball!
349
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,983
Boy, Bud, we're gonna destroy
North Mexifornia
350
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,217
with Duke on our team.
351
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,652
We'll be heroes.
352
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,254
Well, this "we" stuff
is a bit of a stretch.
353
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,588
You know, this
was my thing.
354
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,856
I found Duke.
355
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,057
I only brought you on
356
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,359
to teach him how
to play football.
357
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,894
And now that
that's done,
358
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,196
I think I can handle the
coaching from here on out.
359
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,998
Okay, Bud, I understand.
360
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,399
Will you give me
a proper send-off?
361
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,901
Of course we will.
362
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,670
Hike!
Aah!
363
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,406
ERNESTO:
Kick like this on Friday, Greg!
364
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,511
(saw cutting through bone)
365
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,846
MAN:
Ow.
366
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,281
Hey, Steve.
367
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,349
Ooh, I can't wait
till Friday night.
368
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,051
I'm bringing my jelly,
369
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,686
'cause your team's
gonna be toast!
370
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,655
What's that
on your desk?
371
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,024
Nothing, boner!
372
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,625
Look, Bud, you may
have gotten lucky
373
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:30,194
and won a few games,
but that'll all change tomorrow
374
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,697
when you face off against
my North Mexifornia High
375
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,265
Fightin' Washington Redskins.
376
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,034
We'll see you
on the field!
377
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,602
Wow, Bud,
it's amazing
378
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,370
how you've been able to
turn that team around,
379
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,140
and all with the Barracuda
cartel's top drug mule.
380
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,274
Drug mule?
381
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,442
Yeah. I recognized
382
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,910
the tattoo on
Duke's arm.
383
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,612
Usually, when people
cross Barracuda,
384
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,081
he cuts them up and makes
a puzzle out of them.
385
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:53,518
I'll take this over
a violent video game any day.
386
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:01,526
What are we doing...
about this?
387
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,731
Simple, we go
to Mexifornia,
388
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,000
get the kid and kill
this gringo Buckwald.
389
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,268
Good idea.
390
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,737
Where's my Beheadsman?
391
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:14,005
(breathy laughter)
392
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,139
Hi, boss!
393
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,975
I need you to
behead someone.
394
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:19,243
Okay!
395
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:21,512
What did I say
about not beheading
396
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,681
until I tell you
who to behead?!
397
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,149
Sorry.
398
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,761
There!
399
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,863
Now he's just sleeping!
400
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,665
BUD:
How was I supposed to know
401
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,667
Duke was Barracuda's drug mule?!
402
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,003
If I don't give Duke back,
he's gonna kill me!
403
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,637
But if I do
give him back,
404
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:49,440
we'll lose the game and
the town will kill me!
405
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,842
My friend's daddy died,
406
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,044
and now firefighters
give her toys!
407
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:55,213
Well, if you can just make it
until tomorrow night,
408
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:57,782
we'll win the game
and then you can deport Duke.
409
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,184
And, Sanford, you can
have your room back.
410
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,686
I don't want it!
411
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,422
(kids shouting, glass shatters,
car alarm wailing)
412
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,493
All right, we just gotta hide
here till game time
413
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:10,328
and everything will be fine.
(door opens)
414
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,296
J.C.: It looks like
your parents aren't home.
415
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,565
BECKY: Hey, you know,
there's one piece of furniture
416
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,667
we haven't done it on yet.
417
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,404
Wait, put on
my dad's coat first.
418
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,173
J.C. (imitating Bud):
Ooh, look at me!
419
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,809
I'm a fat, dumb
border agent.
420
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,811
(mutters quietly)
421
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,179
BECKY:
Oh, no!
422
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:31,115
You've discovered
my secret tunnel!
423
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,652
Let's get to
the stadium.
424
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,387
Even if we win,
I'm gonna ask the town
425
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,822
to burn down my house.
426
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,657
Steve!
427
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,225
You know, I got
an anonymous tip
428
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,261
about this star
player of yours.
429
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,531
Then I found
security camera footage
430
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,433
of you smuggling him
from the station.
431
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,435
This kid's going back
where he came from.
432
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,936
You're a disgrace to the badge.
433
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,404
Hey, J-Train.
434
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,273
Hey, Steve.
435
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,075
You smell nice.
436
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,244
(crying):
Oh, he took the kid,
437
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:03,548
and now I'm gonna die. I know
what'll make you feel better.
438
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:04,849
I'll go get
your old yearbook,
439
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,784
and you can point out
who's died.
440
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,120
We're screwed! There's no way
we're gonna win now.
441
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,689
Hola, Bud.
I saw what happened.
442
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:14,859
So you're here to rub my face
in it 'cause I fired you.
443
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,562
Well, don't worry, I'm the one
who's gonna get killed!
444
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:18,763
And I deserve it.
445
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:22,100
I used you,
just like I used Duke.
446
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,102
I'm a terrible coach.
447
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:25,570
Bud, no, you're not.
448
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:27,638
You made this team believe
they could win.
449
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,308
And that's more important
than any star running back.
450
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,577
As someone who came
to this country with nothing,
451
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:36,447
I can tell you, believing
in yourself is everything.
452
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,282
'Cause we believe in ourselves!
453
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:41,619
And that's more important
than any star running back!
454
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,721
Then he said something about
sneaking over the border
455
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:44,889
and ruining our country.
456
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,958
He's right!
We can do this!
457
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,659
Also, one of your fathers died,
458
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,828
but I won't tell you whose
until after the game.
459
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,396
Yes!
(cheering, whooping)
460
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,099
All right, come on,
let's do this!
461
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,634
Yeah!
Let's kill 'em!
462
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,970
(all gasp) Duke is playing
for the other team.
463
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,809
What the hell?
Steve tricked me!
464
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,612
Why didn't this trick detector
he sold me go off?
465
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:08,679
(whistle blows)
466
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,481
(crowd cheering)
467
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,522
Stop him!
ANNOUNCER: Touchdown,
468
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:20,725
North Mexifornia High
Fightin' Washington Redskins!
469
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,497
Touchdown, North Mexifornia!
470
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,266
And now a word from my sponsor.
471
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,600
MAN (over P.A.):
Stop doing heroin!
472
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:30,768
You're a junkie!
473
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,703
Death to Coach Buckwald!
474
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:33,971
(crowd shouting)
475
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,806
Oh, God, they're gonna kill me!
476
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:38,876
Janice, spare yourself
and just throw out my computer!
477
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:42,013
What the hell is that?!
478
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,050
All right, let's
grab my drug mule.
479
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:48,152
Crap, I think I forgot
to turn off the oven.
480
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,021
Go back to my place,
turn off the oven,
481
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,322
then go get
my drug mule.
482
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:52,690
Ah, that's stupid.
483
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,458
We're already here.
Let's do this first.
484
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:01,065
Ow! My ice-skating career!
485
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,402
(players grunting, screaming)
486
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,971
You forgot to hit
the autistic water boy!
487
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,207
Don't treat him no different!
488
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:15,179
(players sobbing) Clock's
ticking, North Mexifornia!
489
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,647
Get back on the field!
490
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,749
I gotta be a clown
at a party later!
491
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,051
(whistle blows)
492
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:23,020
That's game!
North Mexifornia forfeits!
493
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,322
Scalpers win!
494
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,123
(cheering)
495
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,161
We did it! We won!
496
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:31,395
(laughing)
497
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,930
Team, carry me off!
498
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:36,234
PLAYERS (chanting):
Ernesto! Ernesto! Ernesto!
499
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:37,535
Ernesto?
500
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:38,903
He did even less than I did!
501
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,005
MAN:
Three cheers for Ernesto!
502
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,975
Man, this is the craziest
preseason ever.
503
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:53,284
Hey, great work, Coach Buckwald.
Thanks.
504
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:56,087
But that's the last time
anyone's gonna call me that.
505
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,588
That belongs to you.
506
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,857
Besides, I never
figured out how it works.
507
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,225
You know, I didn't know
508
00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,394
how hard a job you
had till I tried it.
509
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:04,729
You're a great coach,
510
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:06,564
and I'm sorry I ever
said otherwise.
511
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,132
Thanks, Bud.
512
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,700
Are you the coach
of Mexifornia High?
513
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,969
I am. I'm from the
Athletic Association.
514
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:13,704
Because you used
an ineligible player,
515
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,906
your team is banned
for the next ten years.
516
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:18,609
Coach Clark ruined
our football team!
517
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,044
Let's get him!
518
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:22,480
(mob shouting)
519
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:26,083
♪ They always call him
Mr. Touchdown ♪
520
00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:28,052
♪ They always call him Mr. T ♪
521
00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:30,054
♪ He can run and kick
and throw... ♪
522
00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:32,290
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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