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1
00:00:05,122 --> 00:00:07,623
Huh, getting a little lazy
with the disguises, aren't we?
2
00:00:07,625 --> 00:00:09,725
Hold it right
there, Coyote.
3
00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:11,560
Señor, I'm not sneaking
into your country.
4
00:00:11,562 --> 00:00:13,228
I'm fleeing the Kaiju.
5
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:16,131
Oh, come on, you think I'm
gonna fall for that? (gasps)
6
00:00:20,971 --> 00:00:23,572
(roars)
7
00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:24,873
It is the Kaiju.
8
00:00:24,875 --> 00:00:26,642
Activate the Border Bot.
9
00:00:42,926 --> 00:00:44,326
See that, Coyote?
10
00:00:44,328 --> 00:00:46,561
Border Patrol is
ready for Kai...
11
00:00:47,731 --> 00:00:49,164
¡Viva Coyote!
12
00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:50,632
(throws grito)
13
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,501
Fartsocks!
14
00:00:52,503 --> 00:00:54,336
Hey, Bud,
the Kaiju's dead,
15
00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:56,238
so we're gonna go smash
my ex-wife's house.
16
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,406
Want to come?
17
00:00:57,408 --> 00:00:59,641
(screeches)
18
00:01:05,349 --> 00:01:07,349
♪ Ooh! ♪
19
00:01:07,351 --> 00:01:09,351
♪ Ha! ♪
20
00:01:09,353 --> 00:01:10,686
♪ Ooh! ♪
21
00:01:10,688 --> 00:01:11,853
♪ Ha! ♪
22
00:01:11,855 --> 00:01:13,221
Whoa!
23
00:01:26,537 --> 00:01:28,537
Moving on, Jigsaw,
I know you have
24
00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:30,872
a lot to say about
campaign finance reform.
25
00:01:30,874 --> 00:01:33,942
The key to fixing
our broken democracy is hidden
26
00:01:33,944 --> 00:01:35,344
behind your eyeball.
27
00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:37,212
Is everybody ready?
28
00:01:37,214 --> 00:01:38,447
Time for church.
29
00:01:38,449 --> 00:01:40,315
Do we really have
to go to church?
30
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:42,150
Please just do
this for me.
31
00:01:42,152 --> 00:01:43,819
It's important
to my parents.
32
00:01:43,821 --> 00:01:46,722
Sigmund Freud and Carl
Sagan never went to church.
33
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,156
We were wrong!
34
00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:49,691
All the nonsense
is true!
35
00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:51,393
Get back in the
fire, you eggheads!
36
00:01:51,395 --> 00:01:52,561
(screaming)
37
00:01:53,564 --> 00:01:55,664
Is Sanford coming
to church?
38
00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:57,466
Yes, he is.
39
00:01:57,468 --> 00:01:59,000
Let's go, Sanford.
40
00:01:59,002 --> 00:02:01,303
(groans) Why do I
got to go to church?
41
00:02:01,305 --> 00:02:02,971
I don't want to
be born again.
42
00:02:02,973 --> 00:02:04,573
The first time
was gross enough.
43
00:02:04,575 --> 00:02:06,041
Ooh, meatball!
44
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,411
BUD: Janice, where the hell
is my usher jacket?!
45
00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:12,848
Uh-oh, it looks like one of
the Muncies' dogs is wearing it.
46
00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:14,249
(door slams)
47
00:02:14,251 --> 00:02:15,684
Hey, give me that jacket.
48
00:02:15,686 --> 00:02:16,885
You're not an usher!
49
00:02:18,155 --> 00:02:19,554
Oh, what the hell?!
50
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,590
Get back here with my clothes!
51
00:02:21,592 --> 00:02:24,192
Excuse me, did you gentlemen
happen to see
52
00:02:24,194 --> 00:02:25,727
which way that pack
of dogs went?
53
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:27,929
(barks)
54
00:02:30,768 --> 00:02:33,068
Is everybody ready for church?
55
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,778
What would Jesus do?
56
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:44,546
Ernesto.
57
00:02:44,548 --> 00:02:46,948
Pepito, if you think
Señor God's wrath is bad,
58
00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:49,284
wait until you see mine
when I get my chancla.
59
00:02:49,286 --> 00:02:50,619
You'll never dress me!
60
00:02:50,621 --> 00:02:52,954
You're old and
tired and a girl!
61
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,260
Goal...!
62
00:02:58,262 --> 00:03:00,395
Is everyone ready
to go to Jesus's?
63
00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:01,696
I am.
64
00:03:01,698 --> 00:03:03,198
Let's vámonos,
everyone!
65
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,133
(door closes) Uncle
Jorge is so pious.
66
00:03:05,135 --> 00:03:07,969
Last week, he spent two hours
in the confession booth.
67
00:03:07,971 --> 00:03:11,006
Even when other guys
came in, he didn't leave.
68
00:03:12,576 --> 00:03:13,575
¡Hola, Bud!
69
00:03:13,577 --> 00:03:14,976
Happy Sunday.
70
00:03:14,978 --> 00:03:16,311
Wow, nice jacket.
71
00:03:16,313 --> 00:03:17,612
It's for being an usher,
72
00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,448
the most important job
in the church.
73
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,716
If there had been an usher
at the Last Supper,
74
00:03:21,718 --> 00:03:23,952
Jewish would not
have been given a seat.
75
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,720
I think his name
was Judas.
76
00:03:25,722 --> 00:03:27,255
Yeah, that's what
I said-- "Judish,"
77
00:03:27,257 --> 00:03:29,324
as in the Judes, the
people that killed Jesus.
78
00:03:29,326 --> 00:03:31,793
They named their religion
after him-- "Judasism."
79
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:34,129
It's a well-known,
hysterical fact.
80
00:03:38,602 --> 00:03:40,836
(hymn playing)
81
00:03:45,676 --> 00:03:48,143
(organ playing)
82
00:03:49,012 --> 00:03:50,779
God, you made the Earth,
83
00:03:50,781 --> 00:03:53,482
but I made the Earth
look good...
84
00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:54,850
Pride, Ernesto.
85
00:03:54,852 --> 00:03:56,585
I'm sorry, Sister!
86
00:03:58,956 --> 00:04:00,422
(hymn playing)
87
00:04:03,927 --> 00:04:07,295
Oh, I can't believe
I married an usher.
88
00:04:07,297 --> 00:04:09,197
You're the prettiest
usher's wife.
89
00:04:09,199 --> 00:04:10,599
(giggles)
90
00:04:10,601 --> 00:04:12,434
You hear that,
you cow?
91
00:04:12,436 --> 00:04:14,836
Who do you think pays
for all this?
92
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:17,272
You're all sheep,
being fleeced by a con artist.
93
00:04:17,274 --> 00:04:18,640
Con artist?
94
00:04:18,642 --> 00:04:20,609
If Reverend Fantastic
is such a bad guy,
95
00:04:20,611 --> 00:04:23,278
then how come he's always
giving cops money?
96
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,814
BUD: Hey, Ernesto,
enjoy your lame church!
97
00:04:25,816 --> 00:04:27,482
Oh, we will, Bud!
98
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:28,817
I'm the church jokester.
99
00:04:28,819 --> 00:04:31,286
So when everyone sits,
I'm gonna kneel.
100
00:04:31,288 --> 00:04:32,587
(giggles)
101
00:04:39,229 --> 00:04:41,329
They'll gnaw the
gay out of you yet!
102
00:04:41,331 --> 00:04:43,064
(roars)
103
00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:45,000
Welcome, brethren
and "sisteren."
104
00:04:45,002 --> 00:04:46,701
Bub Duckwald, usher...
no, no, no.
105
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,336
Uh, Bud Ushwald, bucker...
106
00:04:48,338 --> 00:04:49,738
No, no, that's not it.
107
00:04:49,740 --> 00:04:51,406
Um, Ush Budwald, ucklerb.
108
00:04:51,408 --> 00:04:52,707
Yeah, that sounds right.
109
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,644
Oh, my God, is
that Steve's wife?
110
00:04:55,646 --> 00:04:57,212
Yeah, she's had
a little work done.
111
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,214
Coveting!
That's a covet!
112
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,515
You're all
coveting my wife!
113
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,550
Watch those eyes, coveter!
114
00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,051
You're all going to hell!
115
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,320
Isn't that lipstick a
bit much for church?
116
00:05:09,259 --> 00:05:12,627
She's so beautiful,
I wish my mama would murder her.
117
00:05:13,597 --> 00:05:15,030
Hey, Becky,
will you be
118
00:05:15,032 --> 00:05:16,698
at youth ministry
this week?
119
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:19,167
My dad put another gun
in his mouth at Mervyn's.
120
00:05:19,169 --> 00:05:21,102
Uh, sure, Allie.
121
00:05:21,104 --> 00:05:22,938
You're a youth
minister?!
122
00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:24,940
How can you participate
in this church crap?
123
00:05:24,942 --> 00:05:28,510
Our mockery of this stuff is the
basis of our whole relationship.
124
00:05:28,512 --> 00:05:30,879
When I was a kid, I didn't
have a lot of friends.
125
00:05:30,881 --> 00:05:33,248
This was the one place
I felt accepted.
126
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,350
I want to help
other kids like me.
127
00:05:35,352 --> 00:05:37,352
My God,
they brainwashed you
128
00:05:37,354 --> 00:05:39,220
into making the world
a better place.
129
00:05:39,222 --> 00:05:40,589
It's insidious.
130
00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:42,357
What other secrets
are you keeping from me?
131
00:05:42,359 --> 00:05:43,358
None.
132
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,360
(whimpers)
133
00:05:47,197 --> 00:05:49,197
You know, if you'd like
some privacy,
134
00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:51,866
we have a special area to make
you feel more comfortable.
135
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,868
It's called your house!
136
00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:57,305
ANNOUNCER:
Living Bible Megachurch,
137
00:05:57,307 --> 00:05:59,341
get ready to worship...!
138
00:06:00,210 --> 00:06:01,876
(audience boos)
139
00:06:01,878 --> 00:06:03,979
Hey, it's the guy
who gives me an erection
140
00:06:03,981 --> 00:06:05,714
whenever I see a hot man!
141
00:06:05,716 --> 00:06:08,950
And now your pastor,
142
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,952
Reverend Fantastic!
143
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:13,288
(audience cheers)
144
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,956
This is a circus.
145
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:27,502
♪ Let us proclaim our shame
at being born ♪
146
00:06:27,504 --> 00:06:30,905
♪ We suck. ♪
147
00:06:30,907 --> 00:06:33,775
Good morning, fine people
of Mexifornia.
148
00:06:33,777 --> 00:06:36,811
Let us begin today's worship
with the word of Gid.
149
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,813
God, sir.
God, right, right.
150
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,849
I can never remember
that guy's name.
151
00:06:40,851 --> 00:06:43,818
God, if it be thy divine will,
152
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:47,589
join your humble and devoted
followers on stage four!
153
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:49,858
(audience gasps)
154
00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:51,092
It's God!
155
00:06:51,094 --> 00:06:52,861
He's here,
he's really here!
156
00:06:52,863 --> 00:06:54,929
Oh, great and
powerful God,
157
00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:57,999
what message do you have
for your faithful servants?
158
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:01,803
Give generously or you will
be visited by pestilence.
159
00:07:01,805 --> 00:07:04,873
And if you need God-like
narration at your next party,
160
00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:08,309
I know a really good guy, Gary
Perkins, and you can e-mail him
161
00:07:08,311 --> 00:07:12,113
at Gary_Perkins@SBDGlobal.net.
162
00:07:12,115 --> 00:07:14,649
Hire him or face the wrath
of me, Gary...
163
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,851
I mean God! God Perkins.
164
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,219
Oh, come on, people.
165
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:19,554
How can you be so gullible?
166
00:07:19,556 --> 00:07:20,989
There's clearly a
guy operating that
167
00:07:20,991 --> 00:07:22,490
from behind
that curtain.
168
00:07:22,492 --> 00:07:23,625
Don't look
behind the curtain!
169
00:07:23,627 --> 00:07:24,626
(shrieks)
170
00:07:24,628 --> 00:07:26,695
(whimpers)
171
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,334
Hey, how are
we doing?
172
00:07:33,336 --> 00:07:34,803
Not good-- have you heard
the expression
173
00:07:34,805 --> 00:07:36,371
"you can't take blood
from a stone"?
174
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,006
Not if it's
from the Bible.
175
00:07:38,008 --> 00:07:39,641
It's our congregation--
they're growing old
176
00:07:39,643 --> 00:07:42,410
and holding on to every
nickel they have. Look.
177
00:07:46,583 --> 00:07:48,583
This church needs
some high rollers.
178
00:07:48,585 --> 00:07:50,318
We've got to catch us
a whale.
179
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,253
Well, our spy cameras
found a big fish
180
00:07:52,255 --> 00:07:54,556
at the Catholic church
next door.
181
00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,561
His name is Ernesto Gonzalez.
182
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,062
He lives next door
to Bud Buckwald.
183
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,864
If we can get him
to recruit Gonzalez,
184
00:08:02,866 --> 00:08:04,232
maybe you can keep your jet.
185
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,601
That jet has a lot
of fond memories for me.
186
00:08:06,603 --> 00:08:09,104
My second wife was born
on that thing.
187
00:08:09,106 --> 00:08:10,939
Mr. Buckwald!
188
00:08:10,941 --> 00:08:12,440
Great ushering today.
189
00:08:12,442 --> 00:08:14,209
You know, part
of being an usher
190
00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:16,211
is helping the church
recruit new members.
191
00:08:16,213 --> 00:08:18,046
So we'd like you
to help us
192
00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:19,948
recruit your neighbor,
Ernesto Gonzalez.
193
00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:22,450
What?! But he belongs
to the Mexican church.
194
00:08:22,452 --> 00:08:24,352
He can't come to
ours; he'll ruin it.
195
00:08:24,354 --> 00:08:25,754
Come on, Bud.
196
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,123
Adding a few Mexicans will
only spice things up.
197
00:08:28,125 --> 00:08:30,091
Haven't you ever been
to an orgy?
198
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,093
Only to deliver
a pizza.
199
00:08:37,234 --> 00:08:40,368
Why does the reverend want to
recruit Ernesto to our church?
200
00:08:40,370 --> 00:08:42,137
Church is supposed to be
my place.
201
00:08:42,139 --> 00:08:44,572
For one hour a week,
I'm not some miserable grunt
202
00:08:44,574 --> 00:08:46,708
at a border station--
I'm important.
203
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:48,209
Why does the reverend
got to ruin it?
204
00:08:48,211 --> 00:08:49,477
Why else would
he want Ernesto?
205
00:08:49,479 --> 00:08:50,945
He wants his money.
206
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,414
Face it, Bud,
Reverend Fantastic doesn't care
207
00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:54,783
if you let Jesus
into your heart,
208
00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,818
as long as you let him
into your wallet.
209
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:58,753
Great line.
Can I use it?
210
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,755
Hey, I learned
from the best.
211
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,391
We should hang out sometime.
That would be awesome.
212
00:09:03,393 --> 00:09:06,161
Sure, I'll tell the court
I saw that minor come onto you.
213
00:09:06,163 --> 00:09:07,495
(knocking on door)
214
00:09:07,497 --> 00:09:09,497
Uh, that's the
reverend now.
215
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,066
Hello, Reverend,
welcome.
216
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:13,768
Very smart,
Mr. Buckwald.
217
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:16,171
Buying a spare house where
you can defecate anywhere
218
00:09:16,173 --> 00:09:18,473
and keep the smell away
from your regular house.
219
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,774
This is my regular house.
220
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,776
Right, right,
as I was saying,
221
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,645
beautiful house, and
your daughters look
222
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,713
exactly like women.
223
00:09:27,517 --> 00:09:28,516
¡Hola, Bud!
224
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:30,084
Hola, Bud's bud.
225
00:09:30,086 --> 00:09:31,419
Ernesto, are you looking
226
00:09:31,421 --> 00:09:33,788
for salvation, redemption
and compassion?
227
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:34,989
My cousins?
228
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,424
No, they're in the kitchen.
229
00:09:36,426 --> 00:09:39,327
I'm trying to invite you
to my church.
230
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,197
Oh, thanks, Bud, but I'm
happy with my church.
231
00:09:42,199 --> 00:09:43,765
I've been there 20 years.
232
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:46,201
The church gave me my
first landscaping job.
233
00:09:46,203 --> 00:09:49,671
Uh, I think your friend is
looking in my wife's window.
234
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,039
Oh, right, right.
235
00:09:51,041 --> 00:09:52,941
I was just looking
into your home
236
00:09:52,943 --> 00:09:54,876
for signs
of the Lord's presence,
237
00:09:54,878 --> 00:09:56,978
and indeed he has left
remnants of his beard
238
00:09:56,980 --> 00:09:58,546
in the middle of your wife.
239
00:09:58,548 --> 00:10:00,982
Come on, Ernesto,
just give my church a try.
240
00:10:00,984 --> 00:10:03,551
Time magazine called us
"appalling."
241
00:10:03,553 --> 00:10:05,553
ERNESTO: I'm pretty sure that's not a compliment,
242
00:10:05,555 --> 00:10:07,956
but Bud's been speaking English his entire life,
243
00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:09,390
so I should probably defer to him.
244
00:10:09,392 --> 00:10:10,892
(sighs)
Okay, Bud,
245
00:10:10,894 --> 00:10:12,393
if it means that
much to you,
246
00:10:12,395 --> 00:10:14,329
I guess I could
come to a service.
247
00:10:14,331 --> 00:10:16,197
Really?
Well, that's traffic.
248
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,532
(groans)
249
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,367
Well, I'd better get back
to the church.
250
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,902
I'm on 'shrooms,
251
00:10:20,904 --> 00:10:23,137
and the vibes in
this neighborhood are terrible.
252
00:10:25,408 --> 00:10:28,309
Mrs. Gonzalez, you
guys are churchgoers.
253
00:10:28,311 --> 00:10:31,379
How do you deal with J.C.'s
hostility toward religion?
254
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,214
Well, he wasn't
always that way.
255
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:36,317
J.C. used to be the most
religious one in our family.
256
00:10:36,319 --> 00:10:37,585
You're kidding.
257
00:10:37,587 --> 00:10:39,654
He was kind of
insufferable.
258
00:10:39,656 --> 00:10:41,422
Sin! Sin!
259
00:10:41,424 --> 00:10:43,424
"Thou shalt remember the
Sabbath day, and keep it holy."
260
00:10:43,426 --> 00:10:45,660
It's a day of rest,
you sinners!
261
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,197
Ah...
262
00:10:49,199 --> 00:10:51,065
Sin! The sin of sloth!
263
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,434
(Maria and Ernesto giggle, moan)
264
00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:54,903
Sinners! Sinners!
265
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,237
J.C., we're married.
266
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:58,506
That better be
a milk mustache.
267
00:11:01,211 --> 00:11:03,211
Father, I would like
to confess
268
00:11:03,213 --> 00:11:05,046
that I confessed
a false confession,
269
00:11:05,048 --> 00:11:07,048
because I didn't have
a confession to confess.
270
00:11:07,050 --> 00:11:08,516
(gunshot)
271
00:11:08,518 --> 00:11:10,084
Suicide is a sin!
272
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,887
Wow, I can't believe
he was so religious.
273
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,756
What happened?
All I know is,
274
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:17,358
one day he went on a camping
trip with Father Casillas,
275
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,961
and the next day he came back
and said there is no God.
276
00:11:19,963 --> 00:11:21,429
Oh, my God.
277
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,932
Poor J.C., he-he was...
278
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,700
(door opens)
279
00:11:25,702 --> 00:11:27,468
ERNESTO:
¡Hola, Becky! What's wrong?
280
00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:29,070
Did you just find out
J.C. was molested?
281
00:11:29,072 --> 00:11:30,905
BECKY:
You knew?
282
00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,907
ERNESTO: No, I just guessed
by your facial expression.
283
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,742
SANFORD: Hey, Ernesto.
ERNESTO: ¡Hola, Sanford!
284
00:11:34,744 --> 00:11:36,644
What's wrong? Did you just
eat a bad cheeseburger
285
00:11:36,646 --> 00:11:37,645
out of the garbage?
286
00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:39,213
SANFORD:
Yeah, I did!
287
00:11:39,215 --> 00:11:41,649
ERNESTO (chuckles):
Man, I'm on fire today.
288
00:11:45,155 --> 00:11:48,990
Mr. Gonzalez, welcome to
the Living Bible Megachurch.
289
00:11:48,992 --> 00:11:50,658
Thank you so
much for coming.
290
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:52,894
I got you this gift.
It's an antique.
291
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,097
(leaf blower whirring softly)
292
00:11:56,099 --> 00:11:58,099
Thanks. I'll open it
every time I want
293
00:11:58,101 --> 00:12:00,601
to see this thing
and hear this sound.
294
00:12:00,603 --> 00:12:04,305
And then Judas asked Jesus,
"Why so serious?"
295
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:05,473
And then they fought.
296
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:06,908
Now check this out.
297
00:12:06,910 --> 00:12:08,676
(rock music playing)
298
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,680
What parable is this
supposed to illustrate?
299
00:12:12,682 --> 00:12:13,815
Who cares?
300
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,184
Ernesto is impressed-o.
301
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,755
Ugh, don't you have
a gang to join?
302
00:12:20,757 --> 00:12:24,692
God only made you 'cause
he fell asleep making a horse.
303
00:12:24,694 --> 00:12:26,294
This'll get rid of you.
(farts)
304
00:12:26,296 --> 00:12:27,695
Ugh!
305
00:12:27,697 --> 00:12:29,163
Mr. Buckwald farted!
306
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,532
(echoing):
...farted, farted!
307
00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:35,269
I'm probably alone on this one,
but that fart smells beautiful.
308
00:12:35,271 --> 00:12:37,338
Is this why you
call me Weird Greg?
309
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:41,409
And now our offertory hymn will
be sung by Scott Stapp of Creed.
310
00:12:42,312 --> 00:12:46,347
♪ Get your wallets out now ♪
311
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,783
♪ Give us your spare change ♪
312
00:12:48,785 --> 00:12:51,486
♪ Come on, don't be cheap ♪
313
00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:55,723
♪ Give us everything... ♪
314
00:13:02,665 --> 00:13:04,899
(applause)
315
00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:18,212
Ernesto, I can't believe
you like that megachurch.
316
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,181
The purpose of religion
is to transcend
317
00:13:20,183 --> 00:13:22,650
that sort of crass materialism,
not celebrate it.
318
00:13:22,652 --> 00:13:24,485
Besides, we're Catholics.
319
00:13:24,487 --> 00:13:25,753
Come on, Maria.
320
00:13:25,755 --> 00:13:27,255
What better way
to transcend
321
00:13:27,257 --> 00:13:29,724
than this gold jet pack
the reverend gave me?
322
00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:34,762
Hola, cloud.
323
00:13:34,764 --> 00:13:37,165
Hey, I can see Bud
at the station.
324
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:38,766
BUD:
Damn it, Ernesto!
325
00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:41,469
This is a private moment
between me and my computer!
326
00:13:43,706 --> 00:13:46,040
I know how hurtful
it can be to be bullied.
327
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,109
People call us
fat, gay, ugly.
328
00:13:48,111 --> 00:13:50,545
So I wrote a three-verse
song for us to sing.
329
00:13:50,547 --> 00:13:52,080
Fat kids start.
330
00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,115
Kevin, you can sing
the fat and gay verses.
331
00:13:54,117 --> 00:13:56,184
You know what? Sing ugly, too.
332
00:13:56,186 --> 00:14:00,054
♪ Jesus loves fat gay losers
for some reason ♪
333
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:03,958
♪ But if you're also crippled,
you're out of luck... ♪
334
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,528
So, why'd you want me to come
and see your stupid class?
335
00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:09,063
Because it's
a safe place
336
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,865
where people can talk
about their problems.
337
00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:12,900
Is there anything you
want to talk about, J.C.?
338
00:14:12,902 --> 00:14:16,437
M-Maybe a traumatic
experience from your past?
339
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:17,872
Becky, what are you doing?
340
00:14:17,874 --> 00:14:19,207
Are you ministering to me?
341
00:14:19,209 --> 00:14:20,575
Lower your voice.
342
00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:22,043
My next appointment
will get scared.
343
00:14:22,045 --> 00:14:24,445
No, I will not
lower my voice...
344
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,215
Leave the nice
lady alone!
345
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,220
Now that I got Ernesto to join,
346
00:14:32,222 --> 00:14:34,589
I bet Reverend Fantastic
makes me head usher.
347
00:14:34,591 --> 00:14:36,657
I'm gonna seat single people
next to each other
348
00:14:36,659 --> 00:14:38,526
so they fall in love.
349
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,463
"Bienvenidos"?
350
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,966
This better be a prank
by the sign writer.
351
00:14:47,437 --> 00:14:49,470
The hell are all those
Mexicans doing here?
352
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,305
Their church is next door.
353
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,341
SOUTHERN NARRATOR: Well, looks
like old Bud doesn't even realize
354
00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:55,309
his beloved church
has turned Mexican.
355
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,444
Wait, what did you say?!
356
00:14:56,446 --> 00:14:57,945
SOUTHERN NARRATOR:
Oh, boy.
357
00:14:57,947 --> 00:14:59,981
I just violated
the first tenet of narrating--
358
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,315
never affect the story.
359
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,817
Luckily though,
they'll never find me.
360
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,018
We'll see about that.
361
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,356
Well, looks like old Bud's
got himself a lawsuit.
362
00:15:11,628 --> 00:15:13,227
(organ playing "La Cucaracha")
363
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,499
What the hell is happening?
364
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,301
My church has been taken over.
365
00:15:20,303 --> 00:15:22,203
Bienvenidos, everyone.
366
00:15:22,205 --> 00:15:24,705
Let us join
in prayerful celebration
367
00:15:24,707 --> 00:15:27,108
in the name of our Lord
"Hay-Zeus" Christ.
368
00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:30,411
Our first hymn will be sung
by Ernesto Gonzalez.
369
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:34,182
♪ Ave... ♪
370
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:38,419
♪ Maria... ♪
371
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,522
Becky, hold up your old man.
372
00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:42,957
He's having a stroke.
373
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:44,325
Everything's fading to brown.
374
00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:45,960
You're not
having a stroke.
375
00:15:45,962 --> 00:15:47,795
Your profit-minded
church is trying
376
00:15:47,797 --> 00:15:49,730
to capitalize on the
growing Mexican population.
377
00:15:49,732 --> 00:15:51,465
It's called
"Hispandering."
378
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:52,733
You poor thing.
379
00:15:52,735 --> 00:15:55,169
Behind all that hurt
is a hurt behind.
380
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,971
I don't even recognize
my own church anymore.
381
00:15:56,973 --> 00:15:59,540
(hyperventilates) I think
I'm having a panic attack.
382
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,908
Relax, honey.
383
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:04,078
Just take some of your
"anti-Mexiety" medicine.
384
00:16:05,081 --> 00:16:07,848
ERNESTO:
♪ Ave... ♪
385
00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:13,387
♪ Maria... ♪
386
00:16:15,158 --> 00:16:16,991
Listen, Reverend,
with all due respect,
387
00:16:16,993 --> 00:16:18,593
what the... what the hell
are you doing?
388
00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:20,494
I've been coming
to this church for 20 years.
389
00:16:20,496 --> 00:16:22,063
I like the way things were.
390
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:24,498
But now it's been taken over
and made Mexican.
391
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,367
They got their own church,
so look--
392
00:16:26,369 --> 00:16:28,069
either they go or I go.
393
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,870
Bud, you leave
me no choice.
394
00:16:29,872 --> 00:16:31,405
Besides the two
you gave me.
395
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,773
You go.
396
00:16:32,775 --> 00:16:34,575
(gasps)
My precious...
397
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,311
(hisses):
My precious!
398
00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:42,450
Ernesto, how'd you like to try
your hand at ushering next week?
399
00:16:42,452 --> 00:16:43,451
I don't know.
400
00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:45,353
What do you
think, hand?
401
00:16:45,355 --> 00:16:46,954
Well, what does he say?
402
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,461
Oh, I've had it with you, buddy.
403
00:16:53,463 --> 00:16:55,963
When I get to heaven,
I'm gonna kick your ass!
404
00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:58,432
I'm 0 for 32 fighting guys
with long hair,
405
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,401
but that's about to change!
406
00:17:00,403 --> 00:17:03,204
Oh, Bud, come to church with us.
407
00:17:03,206 --> 00:17:04,939
Daddy don't need no church.
408
00:17:04,941 --> 00:17:06,941
My friend Gwendolyn's dad
don't go to church,
409
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,077
and he's always giving her
fist-kisses on her cheekbones.
410
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:11,912
Thanks, my
little angel.
411
00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:15,216
You are by far the best thing
my semen has turned into.
412
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,719
Good morning, Buckwalds!
413
00:17:18,721 --> 00:17:20,254
Where's Bud?
414
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,456
He doesn't want to come
to church anymore.
415
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,791
Bud's skipping church?
416
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,293
Now I've seen everything.
(chuckles)
417
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,428
Except a dog driving a car.
418
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:28,462
There it is!
419
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,664
(barks)
420
00:17:29,666 --> 00:17:30,631
Darn it!
421
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:31,832
I missed it again.
422
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,768
Ah, well, next time for sure.
423
00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:36,504
Bud's not the only one
who's abandoned his church.
424
00:17:40,109 --> 00:17:42,109
Hey, those are my nuns!
425
00:17:42,111 --> 00:17:43,978
Your nuns, your nuns.
426
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:48,149
What are you doing? You were
supposed to meet me for lunch.
427
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,152
Look, I know you weren't always
this intolerant of all religion.
428
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,621
What happened to you
on that church camping trip
429
00:17:53,623 --> 00:17:55,323
that made you lose
your faith?
430
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,657
What are you talking about?
431
00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,025
Why do you have that guitar?
432
00:17:58,027 --> 00:18:00,094
♪ If you were molested,
and you know it ♪
433
00:18:00,096 --> 00:18:01,762
♪ Trust a friend. ♪
434
00:18:01,764 --> 00:18:04,765
What?! No! I found
a dinosaur bone.
435
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:07,702
It showed me that everything the
church had taught me was a lie.
436
00:18:07,704 --> 00:18:10,438
That's it?
I thought you were molested.
437
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,972
Oh, thank God.
438
00:18:11,974 --> 00:18:14,342
So what did you do
with the dinosaur bone?
439
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:16,043
I brought it
to a scientist.
440
00:18:17,547 --> 00:18:19,313
Excuse me, Professor?
441
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,449
I wanted to bring you
this old bone I found.
442
00:18:21,451 --> 00:18:22,850
Interesting.
443
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,885
So you like old bones, huh?
444
00:18:30,493 --> 00:18:32,326
Well, if it isn't
the jacket thief.
445
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:33,794
You might as well take
my cape, too,
446
00:18:33,796 --> 00:18:35,563
and be the earl of Bostwick.
447
00:18:35,565 --> 00:18:37,898
Milord, all the cabbage
has come in black.
448
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,967
Take it up with
the new earl.
449
00:18:39,969 --> 00:18:41,969
Bud, I came
to apologize.
450
00:18:41,971 --> 00:18:45,039
I would never have accepted the
jacket if I knew it was yours.
451
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,407
Here.
452
00:18:46,409 --> 00:18:47,408
My jacket!
453
00:18:47,410 --> 00:18:49,076
Come here, boy! Come here!
454
00:18:49,078 --> 00:18:52,079
(laughing):
Yeah, oh, yeah. Thanks.
455
00:18:52,081 --> 00:18:55,082
Now I just wish everything else
could go back to the way it was.
456
00:18:55,084 --> 00:18:59,520
You in your church, and me 21,
single and under 200 pounds.
457
00:18:59,522 --> 00:19:01,655
You're imagining
this picture, Bud.
458
00:19:01,657 --> 00:19:03,691
My congregation and I
have gone astray,
459
00:19:03,693 --> 00:19:06,093
seduced by your church's
glitz and glamour.
460
00:19:06,095 --> 00:19:08,162
I wish I could convince
everyone to go back
461
00:19:08,164 --> 00:19:09,697
to my old Catholic church.
462
00:19:09,699 --> 00:19:11,332
Well, there's got to be
something you can do.
463
00:19:11,334 --> 00:19:12,733
I mean, the Pope's
Mexican, right?
464
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:14,268
You guys all know
each other.
465
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:16,370
Can't you just call him up
and tell him to fix this?
466
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,273
Bud, first of all, the
Pope isn't Mexican.
467
00:19:19,275 --> 00:19:20,541
He's Argentinian.
468
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:21,742
But, yes, I do know him.
469
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,210
We play soccer together.
470
00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:26,046
Papa Panchito, it's 'Neto.
471
00:19:26,048 --> 00:19:27,782
You're with a leper?
472
00:19:27,784 --> 00:19:29,450
Cool, text me a pic.
473
00:19:29,452 --> 00:19:30,684
(cell phone chimes)
474
00:19:30,686 --> 00:19:33,020
Ew, no way that's his scrote.
475
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,127
And the Lord said
to the Pacific Islanders,
476
00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:43,230
"Thou shalt change my linens
and help doctors
477
00:19:43,232 --> 00:19:45,633
but not become doctors."
478
00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:47,435
The Popemobile's coming!
479
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,603
(siren wailing)
480
00:19:51,874 --> 00:19:53,441
Where's my damn hat?
481
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,876
Not that hat,
my whup-ass hat.
482
00:19:55,878 --> 00:19:58,112
Fool, am I going
to brunch?!
483
00:19:59,749 --> 00:20:01,048
(people gasping)
484
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:02,483
What the hell's
going on here?!
485
00:20:02,485 --> 00:20:04,051
Hola, Pope.
ALL: Hola, Pope.
486
00:20:04,053 --> 00:20:05,786
Don't "Hola, Pope" me.
487
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:08,722
You Latinos get your butts
back to the Catholic church!
488
00:20:09,659 --> 00:20:11,058
Vámonos.
489
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,127
Don't make me use
the Pope chancla.
490
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,063
Dominus sanctus chanclatus.
491
00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:18,566
(all groaning)
492
00:20:18,568 --> 00:20:20,468
(scoffs)
Show-off.
493
00:20:25,274 --> 00:20:27,775
(siren wailing)
494
00:20:27,777 --> 00:20:28,776
(tires screech)
495
00:20:28,778 --> 00:20:29,944
(groans)
496
00:20:29,946 --> 00:20:32,146
Oh, man, this is
gonna be a thing.
497
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:35,649
Hey, Ernesto, thanks for
helping me get my church back.
498
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,017
No problem, Bud.
499
00:20:37,019 --> 00:20:38,919
I realize now
that there's a reason
500
00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:40,287
my church has stayed humble.
501
00:20:40,289 --> 00:20:42,690
Sometimes all the glitz
just gets in the way.
502
00:20:42,692 --> 00:20:44,925
Also, I think
your reverend is corrupt.
503
00:20:44,927 --> 00:20:46,293
Are you kidding?
504
00:20:46,295 --> 00:20:47,695
Would a corrupt reverend
design and build
505
00:20:47,697 --> 00:20:49,129
a glass-bottom girls' school?
506
00:20:49,131 --> 00:20:51,365
See y'all next Sunday!
507
00:20:52,702 --> 00:20:54,702
Oh, dear, I can see
up their skirts.
508
00:20:54,704 --> 00:20:57,238
What a terrible design flaw.
509
00:20:58,107 --> 00:21:00,040
(gun fires, siren whoops)
510
00:21:00,042 --> 00:21:02,843
I'm glad you have
your usher jacket back, Bud,
511
00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:05,312
but it's not the jacket
that makes you important,
512
00:21:05,314 --> 00:21:07,948
it's your devotion to
the community and this family.
513
00:21:07,950 --> 00:21:09,984
Thanks, Janice, but
it's still nice to know
514
00:21:09,986 --> 00:21:12,953
there's a couple places left
in this town I can call my own.
515
00:21:12,955 --> 00:21:15,022
Like right here
at Beef Corral.
516
00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:16,724
ERNESTO:
Hola, Bud.
517
00:21:16,726 --> 00:21:18,893
(mariachi music playing)
518
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,467
(Curb Your Enthusiasm theme
playing)
519
00:21:28,237 --> 00:21:31,539
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
40503
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