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1
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:05,205
{\an8}MOM, DAD,
2
00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:07,307
{\an8}DOUG AND I WROTE
A SONG FOR YOU.
3
00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:08,308
{\an8}OK.
4
00:00:08,408 --> 00:00:09,776
{\an8}AND IT'S
A GOOD ONE.
5
00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:11,311
{\an8}OK, WELL, WE LOVE
YOUR SONGS, HONEY.
6
00:00:11,411 --> 00:00:13,980
{\an8}YES, WE DO.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT.
7
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,615
{\an8}FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT
8
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:18,051
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER
HAVE A SWIMMING
POOL ♪
9
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:20,520
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER HAVE
A CAR THAT'S COOL ♪
10
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:22,522
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER
HAVE A PRIVATE
JET ♪
11
00:00:22,622 --> 00:00:24,691
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER HAVE
A TV SET ♪
12
00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:26,760
{\an8}♪ I'LL NEVER
DO THE BUSINESS
THING ♪
13
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,862
{\an8}♪ I'LL NEVER HAVE
A DIAMOND RING ♪
14
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,064
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER
HAVE A HORSE
TO MOUNT ♪
15
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:33,199
{\an8}♪ WE'LL NEVER HAVE
A BANK ACCOUNT ♪
16
00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:35,869
{\an8}♪ BUT WE DO HAVE
EACH OTHER ♪
17
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,904
{\an8}♪ YOU GUYS
ARE GREAT ♪
18
00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:41,307
{\an8}♪ DAD AND MOTHER,
MY PERIOD IS LATE ♪
19
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:42,308
{\an8}♪ SO ♪
20
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,210
{\an8}♪ HERE'S
A BIG SURPRISE ♪
21
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:46,246
{\an8}♪ IT'S GONNA MAKE
YOUR DAY ♪
22
00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:49,349
{\an8}♪ DOUG AND ALLY HAVE
A BABY ON THE ♪
23
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:50,350
{\an8}♪ BABY ON THE ♪
24
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,218
{\an8}♪ BABY ON THE WAY ♪
25
00:00:52,318 --> 00:00:53,319
{\an8}I'M PREGNANT.
26
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,355
{\an8}AND I HELPED.
27
00:00:58,725 --> 00:00:59,993
{\an8}WELL?
28
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:03,296
{\an8}WHA--YOU'RE
PREGNANT, REALLY?
29
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,297
{\an8}REALLY.
30
00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,833
{\an8}REALLY?
OH, YEAH.
31
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,835
{\an8}THIS IS
EXCITING NEWS.
32
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:10,804
{\an8}REALLY?
REALLY! GIVE ME A HUG.
33
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,205
{\an8}OH, BABY.
34
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:13,706
{\an8}WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THIS COMING, DOUG.
35
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,276
{\an8}CAN'T EVEN PULL
YOUR WINNEBAGO
OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY.
36
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,246
{\an8}THIS IS--THIS IS
SO EXCITING.
37
00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:22,916
{\an8}BABY! AND, DOUG,
COME HERE, YOU.
38
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:24,984
{\an8}ARE YOU HAPPY, DADDY?
39
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,386
{\an8}OF COURSE, I AM, BABY.
40
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:27,654
{\an8}MAZEL TOV.
41
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,391
{\an8}YES, WE CAN.
42
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,527
{\an8}THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO.
43
00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:36,963
{\an8}A-AND SO MUCH TO GET.
44
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:39,265
{\an8}OH, THANK GOD WE'RE RICH.
45
00:01:39,365 --> 00:01:41,434
{\an8}OH, WE DON'T
NEED MUCH, DADDY.
46
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,736
{\an8}SO, UH, TELL ME.
WHEN ARE YOU DUE?
47
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,905
{\an8}OH, WE DON'T
LIKE TO USE
THE WORD "DUE."
48
00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:46,906
{\an8}YOU KNOW?
49
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,208
{\an8}HOMEWORK IS DUE,
50
00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:50,677
{\an8}RENT IS DUE,
BILLS ARE DUE.
51
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,345
{\an8}WE PREFER TO SAY,
52
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,914
{\an8}"WHEN ARE YOU
MIRACLIZING?"
53
00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:56,282
{\an8}OH, YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING, DOUG.
54
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:59,352
{\an8}YOU DON'T "DO" ANYTHING.
55
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:03,123
{\an8}OK. WHEN
ARE YOU
MIRACLIZING?
56
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:05,825
WELL, WE'RE NOT REALLY SURE
UNTIL WE SEE THE DOCTOR,
57
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:07,861
BUT I THINK
IT'S PRETTY SAFE TO SAY
58
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,263
THAT IN
ABOUT 7 1/2 MONTHS
59
00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:13,233
YOU GUYS ARE
GONNA BE GRANDPARENTS.
60
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:14,134
OHH!
61
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,768
WELL, THIS IS
WONDERFUL NEWS.
62
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:16,836
ISN'T IT, BABE?
63
00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:18,338
OH, IT SURE IS.
64
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,639
GRANDMA.
65
00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:22,275
[LAUGHING]
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
UPDATE THAT A BIT.
66
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,677
UH, "G" MAMA.
67
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,546
IT'S HIP, IT--
IT'S TODAY,
68
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,314
IT'S REALLY
MUCH MORE ME.
69
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:29,682
FO' SHIZZLE.
70
00:02:29,782 --> 00:02:32,585
WELL, ALL RIGHT,
"G" MAMA.
71
00:02:32,685 --> 00:02:33,853
WE'RE GONNA GO
INTO THE GARAGE
72
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,288
AND FIND MY OLD BABY STUFF.
73
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:36,956
OK, GOOD.
74
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,393
WOW!
75
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,061
WOW, INDEED.
76
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,396
[JOY SIGHS]
77
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,365
I KNOW THAT
SEVEN MONTHS SEEMS
LIKE A LONG TIME,
78
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:46,799
BUT IT IS
REALLY NOT.
79
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,201
I MEAN, WE HAVE
TO GET READY,
80
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,336
'CAUSE THIS IS--
THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN
REALLY FAST.
81
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,405
DO YOU THINK
THAT SHE SHOULD
HAVE A WATER BIRTH?
82
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,406
HAVE YOU HEARD
ABOUT THOSE?
83
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,908
IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE PEACEFUL
84
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,242
FOR THE MAMA
AND THE BABY,
85
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,310
AND WHAT YOU DO IS,
86
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,345
YOU PUT A GIGANTIC,
BIG BIRTHING TUB
87
00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:00,813
RIGHT HERE
IN THE LIVING ROOM,
88
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,448
AND THEN,
EVERYBODY GETS IN.
89
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,250
YOU HEARD ME.
EVERYBODY.
90
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,152
WE'LL PUT CANDLES
EVERYWHERE,
91
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,887
AND--MY GOD,
THIS HOUSE IS
NOT CHILDPROOF.
92
00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:09,389
WE CAN'T HAVE A BABY
IN THIS HOUSE.
93
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,824
THESE STAIRS,
THEY'RE AN ACCIDENT
WAITING TO HAPPEN.
94
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,760
WE HAVE TO PUT
A GATE AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE STAIRS.
95
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,695
AND I'M ALSO THINKING
MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT ONE
96
00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,330
AT THE TOP
OF THE STAIRS, TOO,
97
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:20,633
AND, JEEZ, THESE--
DO YOU THINK THAT THESE
ARE TOO FAR APART?
98
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:23,203
BECAUSE, I THINK
THAT--THAT A BABY
COULD PROBABLY
99
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:27,140
MOST LIKELY--YEAH, A
BABY COULD FIT THEIR
HEAD RIGHT THROUGH HERE.
100
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,374
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
THE BABY HAD YOUR HEAD,
101
00:03:28,474 --> 00:03:29,509
WHICH WOULD BE
REALLY WEIRD,
102
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:30,610
'CAUSE IT WOULD BE
A LITTLE TINY BABY
103
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,445
WITH A BIG, BIG HEAD.
104
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,546
IT WOULD PROBABLY
HAVE TO WEAR A HELMET,
105
00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:34,981
'CAUSE IT WOULD BE
SO TOP-HEAVY.
106
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:36,549
OH, SPEAKING
OF TOP-HEAVY,
107
00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:38,017
BREASTFEEDING.
108
00:03:38,117 --> 00:03:39,419
I MEAN, THESE DAYS,
109
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,654
THEY HAVE THESE THINGS
CALLED LACTATION
CONSULTANTS.
110
00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:42,889
WE COULD CALL
ONE OF THOSE,
111
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,724
BECAUSE NIPPLES DON'T
JUST TURN ON AND OFF
112
00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:45,858
LIKE A FAUCET.
113
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,393
AND THE DOORS.
114
00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:48,528
THE DOORS ARE
VERY UNSAFE.
115
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:50,263
I MEAN, THEY--WE'RE
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE
116
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:52,365
ALL THE LOCKS AND MOVE
THEM ALL THE WAY UP TOP.
117
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,567
EVERYTHING'S GONNA HAVE
TO COME UP, UP, UP.
118
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:55,735
'CAUSE THIS IS
NOT TO CODE.
119
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:56,903
'CAUSE THERE'S
A CODE FOR KIDS.
120
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,805
THERE'S A KIDS CODE.
121
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,607
LAMAZE CLASS.
I'M GONNA SIGN THEM UP.
122
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:01,841
MAYBE I'LL EVEN
GO WITH THEM.
123
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:03,009
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
124
00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,110
I COULD PROBABLY TEACH
HER HOW TO BREATHE
125
00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:05,278
BECAUSE LAMAZE IS
JUST A VERSION
126
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:06,746
OF THE KUNDALINI
BREATH OF FIRE.
127
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:10,383
[BREATHING]
128
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,389
OH, MY GOD. I HAVEN'T DONE
THAT IN A LONG TIME.
129
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:17,991
WHOA, I'M DIZZY.
130
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,093
BREAST PUMP.
BREAST PUMP.
131
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,394
WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO DO THAT
132
00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:22,895
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN
I WAS BREASTFEEDING,
133
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,364
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,
134
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:25,365
THEY HAD
THESE BREAST PUMPS
135
00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:26,766
THAT WERE
HEAVY AND ARCHAIC
136
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,568
AND THAT'S WHY I SIT
LIKE THE LETTER "C,"
137
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:30,270
'CAUSE IT WAS JUST--
IT CAVES YOUR BACK
RIGHT IN,
138
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,472
AND THEY'VE DONE
AMAZING THINGS WITH THE BR--
139
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:33,539
AND NURSING BRAS?
140
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,874
OF COURSE.
141
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,043
THE--DID YOU KNOW
THAT IF YOU PUT
A CABBAGE LEAF
142
00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:39,846
INTO YOUR BRA,
IT KEEPS YOU
FROM BECOMING ENGORGED
143
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,382
AND KEEPS THE NIPPLES
FROM CHAFING.
144
00:04:42,482 --> 00:04:43,650
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
145
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:44,684
[SIGHS]
146
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,320
NO.
147
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:50,390
YEAH. YOU KNOW, THIS IS--
THIS IS GONNA BE SO EXCITING.
148
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,392
I MEAN, A BABY'S
ON THE WAY!
149
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,227
AND I KNOW THAT YOU
WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
150
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,595
THAT I WOULD BE
UNCOMFORTABLE
WITH THE FACT
151
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,363
THAT I'M GONNA BE
A GRANDMOTHER.
152
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:58,598
I WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT THAT TOO,
153
00:04:58,698 --> 00:04:59,565
BUT NO, I'M NOT.
154
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:02,435
THIS IS--OH!--
THIS IS FANTASTIC.
155
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:03,736
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
156
00:05:03,836 --> 00:05:05,438
I'M GONNA--I'M GONNA PUT
ON A COUPLE OF POUNDS
157
00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:07,206
BECAUSE BABIES LIKE
SOFT, PILLOWY THINGS
158
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,207
AND I WANT
TO BE THE ONE
159
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,476
THAT THE BABY WANTS
TO BE ON.
160
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:19,686
SO, HOW IS WHATSHERNAME
TAKING ALL THIS?
161
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,054
JOY.
WHATEVER.
162
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,790
WELL, SHE'S, UH,
SHE'S ACTING
STRANGELY, ACTUALLY.
163
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:28,061
HOW SO? IS SHE UPSET
ABOUT THE PROSPECT
OF BEING A GRANDMOTHER?
164
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,028
NO, JUST THE OPPOSITE.
165
00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:30,229
SHE'S HAPPY
ALL THE TIME.
166
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,065
SHE'S CONSTANTLY EATING
167
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,700
AND WON'T STOP TALKING.
168
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,935
ALWAYS EATING
AND CAN'T STOP TALKING.
169
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:37,904
OPRAH MADE A CAREER
OUT OF THAT.
170
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:38,938
[LAUGHING]
171
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:40,673
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY,
THAT IS STRANGE.
172
00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:42,608
NO, THAT'S
NOT STRANGE AT ALL.
173
00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:43,910
HOW DO YOU
KNOW THAT?
174
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,012
IN INDIA, I WAS
A CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
175
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,814
SPECIALIZING IN OVEREATERS.
176
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:50,550
WHICH, IN INDIA, IS
NOT MUCH OF A PROBLEM.
177
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:51,884
BUT IT SOUNDS TO ME
178
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,020
AS IF SHE IS MASKING
A FEELING OF GREAT
DEPRESSION
179
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,089
WITH MANIC BEHAVIOR
AND FOOD.
180
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:59,025
SHE IS LITERALLY
STUFFING HER EMOTIONS.
181
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,159
REALLY?
YES.
182
00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:01,961
AND THERE ARE THREE
POSSIBLE OUTCOMES.
183
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:04,564
SHE'LL CRASH AND
FALL INTO A DEEP
DEPRESSION,
184
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:05,798
WHICH WILL BE
NO GOOD,
185
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,934
SHE'LL GET AS
BIG AS A HOUSE,
186
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:08,968
WHICH IS ALSO
NO GOOD,
187
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:11,003
UNLESS SHE SLIPS
ON ICY PAVEMENT,
188
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:14,340
WHICH IS
ALWAYS FUNNY.
189
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,876
OR SOMEONE CLOSE
TO HER WILL TAKE
HER HAND
190
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,512
AND LEAD HER AWAY
FROM THE ABYSS.
191
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:22,081
I COULD DO THAT.
NOT YOU.
192
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,050
YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO GOT HER
PREGNANT.
193
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,252
SHE HAD A BABY, NOW
HER BABY'S GROWN UP
194
00:06:26,352 --> 00:06:27,220
AND IS HAVING A BABY
195
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,188
AND IT'S ALL
YOUR FAULT.
196
00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:31,524
SHE NEEDS TO TALK
TO SOMEONE SHE CAN
RELATE TO.
197
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:32,492
YEAH.
198
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:33,493
HE'S RIGHT.
199
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:35,395
WHY DON'T YOU
CALL HER MOTHER?
200
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:39,265
YES, THAT RACIST BITCH
MIGHT BE HELPFUL
IN THIS SITUATION.
201
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:40,633
NO, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THAT.
202
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,268
JOY AND HER MOM,
THEY DON'T SEE
EYE-TO-EYE.
203
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:43,836
I DON'T KNOW
HOW THAT CAN HELP.
204
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,071
OH, SIMPLE.
205
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,873
YOU SEE, YOUR WIFE IS
HIDING HER TRUE FEELINGS
206
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:50,143
AND THERE IS
1 PERSON IN THIS WORLD
YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM.
207
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,411
YOUR MOTHER.
208
00:06:51,511 --> 00:06:52,945
WELL, YOU CAN
IF YOU GROW A BEARD
209
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:55,181
AND CHANGE YOUR NAME
TO "WHITEY."
210
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:02,355
AW.
211
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:05,024
WOW, MY OLD CRIB.
212
00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:07,059
I REMEMBER
HANGING OUT IN HERE.
213
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,961
YEAH, IT--
IT'S GREAT.
214
00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:12,331
BUT WE'RE NOT
ACTUALLY GONNA
USE IT, ARE WE?
215
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,167
WHY NOT? IT'S CUTE.
216
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,069
YEAH, BUT
IT REPRESENTS
THE PAST, ALLY.
217
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,338
OUR BABY IS
THE FUTURE.
218
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,506
JUST THINK.
219
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,074
HE MIGHT--
OR SHE.
220
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,944
OR SHE MIGHT ONE DAY
LEAD HUMANITY
221
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:28,448
OUT OF THE GLOBAL
APOCALYPSE THAT WE
KNOW IS COMING.
222
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,217
SO, I MEAN,
ARE WE REALLY
GONNA PUT HIM IN--
223
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,251
OR HER.
224
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,387
OK. OR--OR HER
225
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,322
IN THIS RICKETY OLD CRIB
226
00:07:36,422 --> 00:07:38,524
WITH A USED MATTRESS?
227
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,194
HMM. YEAH.
228
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:42,395
YOU'RE RIGHT.
229
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:43,696
OUR BABY
DESERVES TO SLEEP
230
00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:46,032
ON AN ORTHOPEDIC
MATTRESS FILLED
WITH DOWN,
231
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,100
STARING UP
AT A MOBILE
OF THE UNIVERSE.
232
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:51,604
YEAH! YEAH, WHICH HE--
OR SHE--MAY RULE ONE DAY
233
00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:55,241
WITH HIS--OR HER--
ALMIGHTY POWER.
234
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,410
YEAH.
235
00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:58,711
HEY--HEY, DOUG.
236
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,279
YOU THINK WE'RE
GETTING A LITTLE
CARRIED AWAY HERE?
237
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:01,314
NO WAY, ALLIE.
238
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,049
OUR BABY IS GONNA BE
THE BEST BABY
239
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,517
THAT'S EVER BEEN BORN.
240
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:05,885
YOU'RE RIGHT.
241
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,921
WHICH MEANS WE'VE
GOTTA BE THE BEST
PARENTS EVER.
242
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,089
ALREADY ON IT.
243
00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:11,991
DID YOU KNOW
THAT I STOPPED
SMOKING POT?
244
00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:14,026
OH, DOUG,
THAT'S GREAT!
245
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,094
SINCE WHEN?
246
00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:16,629
IN 15 MINUTES,
247
00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:19,765
IT'LL BE 16 MINUTES.
248
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:22,668
WELL.
249
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,237
[DOORBELL RINGS]
250
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,138
I GOT IT, HONEY.
251
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,707
I'M HERE.
252
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,275
HI, SWEETHEART.
HI.
253
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,210
WHERE'S MY LITTLE
NANA-TO-BE?
254
00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,412
OH, SHE'S PROBABLY
IN THE KITCHEN
BASTING A TURKEY.
255
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,114
HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS?
256
00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:36,115
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
257
00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:38,951
TRAP KIRSTIE ALLEY?
258
00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:39,952
THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
259
00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:41,220
SHE'S BEEN
BAKING COMPULSIVELY
260
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,523
AND SHE'S
LIKE THIS CRAZY HAPPY.
261
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,258
OH. THAT'S
NOT A GOOD SIGN.
262
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,193
ONLY THE SWISS ARE
NATURALLY HAPPY.
263
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,762
THAT'S BECAUSE
THERE ARE ONLY
WHITE PEOPLE THERE.
264
00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:53,833
OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE BAKING.
265
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,167
THERE SHE IS.
266
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,069
MY LITTLE NANA.
267
00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:58,871
COME OVER HERE.
[INDISTINCT]
268
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:02,208
OH, I AM SO GLAD
TO SEE YOU.
269
00:09:02,308 --> 00:09:03,309
YOU HEARD
ABOUT THE BABY?
270
00:09:03,409 --> 00:09:04,477
I DID.
271
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,112
GOD, I HAVE SO MANY
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU
272
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,179
BECAUSE I--
I DON'T WANNA MAKE
273
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,614
THE SAME MISTAKES
THAT YOU MADE.
274
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,050
OR THE SAME MISTAKES
THAT I MADE,
FOR THAT MATTER.
275
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,152
THIS BABY IS
GONNA BE RAISED
NEW SCHOOL.
276
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,187
HEY, WHAT KIND OF MUSIC
DID YOU LISTEN TO
277
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,556
WHEN YOU WERE
PREGNANT WITH ME?
278
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:18,291
WITH ALLY,
IT WAS '80s
ALL THE TIME.
279
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,325
EIGHTIES, '80s.
280
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:20,927
THE JOB
OF THE GRANDMOTHER
281
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,862
IS SO IMPORTANT,
TOO, YOU KNOW?
282
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:24,263
I MEAN, THE MOTHER'S
JOB IS TO SAY "NO,"
283
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,132
AND THE GRANDMOTHER'S
JOB IS TO SAY "YES."
284
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,034
YOU KNOW, I WAS
TELLING EDDIE EARLIER
285
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,236
THAT--THAT IF YOU
PUT A CABBAGE LEAF
INTO YOUR BRA,
286
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:31,337
IT KEEPS
YOUR NIPPLES
FROM CHAFING.
287
00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:32,471
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
288
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,439
NO.
YEAH.
289
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:34,440
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
290
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:35,875
YEAH.
IT'S TRUE.
291
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,176
AND IF YOU PUT
A CORNED BEEF
IN YOUR POCKET,
292
00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:38,277
YOU'RE THE MOST
POPULAR GIRL
AT SCHOOL
293
00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:39,312
ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
294
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,746
[ALL LAUGHING]
295
00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:42,515
I'M GONNA BE
A FUNNY GRANDMA.
296
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:44,083
[LAUGHING]
297
00:09:46,485 --> 00:09:48,387
YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
298
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:54,594
EVERYTHING LOOKS
GREAT, ALLY,
299
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:56,662
ASSUMING YOU'RE INTO
THAT KIND OF THING.
300
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,031
PERSONALLY,
I FIND THE WHOLE
REPRODUCTIVE PROCESS
301
00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:01,000
A LITTLE NAUSEATING.
302
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,469
SO, WHY ARE YOU
AN OBSTETRICIAN?
303
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:06,005
EH, THERE'S NOT
THAT MANY OPENING
FOR A PROCTOLOGIST.
304
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,807
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THERE'S ONLY ONE.
305
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:10,176
COME ON,
GIVE A LITTLE.
306
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,411
ONE?
307
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:14,380
ALL RIGHT. SO,
YOU WANNA TALK
ABOUT THE KID?
308
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,515
OR YOU WANT ME
TO DO ANOTHER FIVE
MINUTES OF SHTICK?
309
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,918
I GOT AN AIRPLANE
BIT THAT KILLS.
310
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:20,186
KILLS.
311
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,188
NO, NO, I THINK
WE SHOULD--
312
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,723
WE SHOULD TALK
ABOUT THE BABY.
313
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,524
EH, SUIT YOURSELF.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?
314
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,361
UH, WHAT
SHOULD WE
BE DOING?
315
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:31,130
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
I WOULD GO OUT AND EARN
AS MUCH MONEY AS I CAN.
316
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:32,398
THESE KIDS COST
A FORTUNE.
317
00:10:32,498 --> 00:10:34,300
I'M TELLING YOU,
[INDISTINCT].
318
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,671
WHAT ABOUT ME?
319
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:41,173
YOU? I WOULD LIGHTEN UP
ON THE CIGARETTES,
320
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:42,441
STAY AWAY
FROM HARD LIQUOR,
321
00:10:42,541 --> 00:10:44,210
STICK TO BEER
AND WINE FOR NOW.
322
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:47,413
I'M KIDDING. HELLO?
323
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:50,750
LISTEN, KIDS,
I'VE BEEN DELIVERING
BABIES FOR 40 YEARS.
324
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:52,184
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
325
00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,819
STAY OUT OF
MOTHER NATURE'S WAY.
326
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,087
LET THE PROCESS EVOLVE.
327
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:56,756
LOOK, HERE'S
THIS PAMPHLET I'VE GOT.
328
00:10:56,856 --> 00:11:00,526
IT'S CALLED, "BABY,
YOU'RE THE GREATEST."
329
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,162
READ THAT.
330
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:05,097
THIS SAYS,
"LIFE WITHOUT A PROSTATE."
331
00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:06,599
OH, GIVE ME THAT.
THAT'S MINE. OOPS.
332
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,801
I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT.
333
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:09,869
HERE IT IS.
334
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:12,204
OH.
335
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:13,939
WELL, WHAT ABOUT EXERCISE?
336
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,341
EH, PERSONALLY, I
DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.
337
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,977
HEY, YOU COULD
EXERCISE 24/7
338
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,311
AND YOU'RE STILL
GONNA END UP DYING
339
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,914
A MISERABLE,
HORRIBLE DEATH.
340
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:23,182
MY FRIEND HERE,
341
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:25,084
MARATHON RUNNER.
342
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:29,088
UH, I THINK SHE MEANT
SHOULD SHE BE
EXERCISING.
343
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,256
OH, I SEE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
344
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,024
CAN YOU STILL DO IT?
HEY, GO CRAZY.
345
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:34,627
IT AIN'T LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA KNOCK HER UP.
346
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,430
NOTHING.
I GET NOTHING
FROM YOU TWO.
347
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:41,267
LISTEN, WE'D
ALSO LIKE TO HAVE
A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.
348
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,702
"WE"?
349
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:45,671
AND HOW MANY PEOPLE
ARE YOU GONNA FIRE
OUT OF YOUR ASS?
350
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:50,843
NO, IT'S JUST THAT
WE DON'T REALLY BELIEVE
IN USING DRUGS.
351
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:52,244
THIS GUY DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN DRUGS?
352
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:53,779
LOOK AT THIS GUY.
353
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,147
HE LOOKS LIKE
HE WAS THROWN OUT OF
A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT
354
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:57,016
FOR BEING TOO HIGH.
355
00:11:58,884 --> 00:11:59,985
WELL, I--SEE, SIR,
356
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,321
I RECENTLY GAVE UP
SMOKING DOPE.
357
00:12:02,421 --> 00:12:03,823
OH, REALLY?
HOW LONG AGO?
358
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,625
EARLIER TODAY.
359
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:08,828
WELL, I'M
VERY PROUD OF YOU.
360
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,529
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
GO STARE AT THE DRAPES
361
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:13,332
FOR A WHILE, I GOTTA
TALK TO ALLY.
362
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:15,234
ALLIE, DO YOU
REALIZE WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU?
363
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,236
LET ME--LET ME PAINT
A PICTURE FOR YOU.
364
00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:18,404
YOU KNOW
WHEN THE BOWLING BALL
365
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:20,272
COMES BACK THROUGH
THAT RETURN CHUTE?
366
00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:22,842
THIS TIME, YOU'RE
THE CHUTE.
367
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,176
BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS,
368
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:26,078
THE BALL
IS GONNA BE SCREAMING
AND SO ARE YOU.
369
00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:27,580
AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA BE SCREAMING?
370
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,815
[SHOUTING]
"GIVE ME SOME DRUGS!
371
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,218
"I HATE MY LIFE!"
372
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,821
SEE YOU IN A MONTH.
373
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,290
LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE
ANY BLEEDING.
374
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,330
THANK YOU.
THANK--THANK YOU.
375
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,001
I-I'M THRILLED
YOU'RE SO EXCITED
376
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,036
ABOUT BECOMING
A GRANDMOTHER.
377
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:52,872
WHEN I FOUND OUT
I WAS GONNA BE
A GRANDMOTHER,
378
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:55,407
I ACTUALLY HAD TO BE
INSTITUTIONALIZED.
379
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,575
I THOUGHT YOU WENT
TO THE BAHAMAS?
380
00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,711
THE HOSPITAL'S
IN THE BAHAMAS.
381
00:12:58,811 --> 00:13:03,215
ALL THE IV DRIPS COME
WITH LITTLE UMBRELLAS.
382
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:05,317
I--I MEAN THE WHOLE
THING IS FANTASTIC.
383
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:06,318
I CAN'T WAIT.
384
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:08,788
I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE.
MM-HMM.
385
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:10,322
JOY, LISTEN.
386
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:12,291
THIS IS
JUST YOU AND ME NOW.
387
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:13,325
OK, HONEY?
UH-HUH.
388
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:15,995
SO, WE CAN TALK
LIKE YOU AND ME.
389
00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:19,365
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO GET OFF
YOUR CHEST?
390
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,467
WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU
SAY THAT?
391
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,602
WELL, THE THING
THAT BUGGED ME
392
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:26,372
WHEN I KNEW I WAS GONNA BE
A GRANDMOTHER
393
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,407
WAS ONCE THEY SLAP
THAT LABEL ON YOU,
394
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:30,376
THERE'S NO COMING BACK.
395
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,278
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
BEING A GAY MAN.
396
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:33,913
ONCE YOU CROSS THE LINE,
397
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:35,447
ONCE YOU STICK YOUR--
398
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,149
[SHOUTING]
I GOT IT!
399
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,852
IT DOESN'T
BOTHER ME, MOM.
400
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:42,154
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
401
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:43,522
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THE BEST THING IS
402
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:45,324
ABOUT BECOMING
A GRANDMOTHER?
403
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:46,258
HMM?
404
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:47,359
NOW YOU CAN RELAX
405
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:49,361
AND YOU CAN
LET YOURSELF GO.
406
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:50,830
THAT'S JUST WHAT I
WAS TELLING EDDIE.
407
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,598
SO WHAT IF I PUT ON
A FEW POUNDS, RIGHT?
408
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,600
YEAH, SO WHAT IF YOU
PUT ON A FEW POUNDS?
409
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:58,470
YOU GET THE WINGS,
YOU GET THE GOBBLE,
GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
410
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,906
YOU GET THE SIDE BAZOOMS
UNDER YOUR PITS.
411
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,074
[BOTH LAUGHING]
412
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,108
AND ONE DAY,
413
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,343
YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR
414
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:07,213
AND YOU REALIZE
YOU'RE ME.
415
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,314
WHAT?
416
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,316
AAH!
AAH!
417
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,885
I DON'T WANT TO BE
A GRANDMOTHER!
418
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:13,819
[CRYING]
419
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:16,121
OH, NO!
OH, JOY.
420
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:17,990
COME TO MAMA.
COME TO MAMA.
421
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:20,626
OH, SWEETHEART,
I MISSED YOU.
422
00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:21,927
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
423
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,629
OH, MY BABY.
424
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:27,333
OH, MY BA--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
425
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,335
I'M SCARED
TO DEATH, MOM.
I KNOW.
426
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:30,336
I'M NOT
A GRANDMOTHER.
427
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,470
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.
LOOK AT ME!
428
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,572
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
429
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:36,208
I MEAN, I'M HOT.
YES, YOU ARE.
430
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,343
YOU ARE HOT.
431
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,411
NO, I'M HOT.
I NEED AIR.
432
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:40,613
I'M [INDISTINCT].
433
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,515
OH. WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT
AND THEN IT GOES.
434
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:45,150
IT'S OVER.
435
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,285
YOU MEAN,
IT'S GONNA GET BETTER?
436
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:48,520
YES, IT'S GONNA
GET BETTER.
437
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:49,488
I PROMISE YOU.
438
00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:50,522
IT'S NOT GONNA BOTHER ME
439
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,224
THAT I'M GONNA BE
A GRANDMOTHER?
440
00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:54,326
NO, HONEY,
IT'S NOT GONNA
BOTHER YOU TO--
441
00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:55,527
JUST LIKE
IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU
442
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,529
THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
443
00:14:58,631 --> 00:14:59,865
WHAT DID YOU
CALL ME?
444
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:03,135
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
445
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,536
THAT'S--THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE.
446
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,472
I'M GONNA BE
A GREAT GRANDMOTHER?
YEAH.
447
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,539
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
448
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:08,574
MOM, NO! NO!
449
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,242
STEP AWAY FROM THERE!
PUT IT DOWN!
450
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:11,477
NO!
MOM, PUT IT DOWN!
451
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:12,678
PUT IT DOWN.
NO, NO, NO.
452
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:13,612
NO, NO.
453
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:14,880
IT'S OK, IT'S OK.
NO, NO.
454
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,515
IT'S NOT OK.
455
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:17,516
HEY, GUYS.
HEY!
456
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,518
IT'S HER FAULT!
I DIDN'T DO IT.
457
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:20,619
WHAT DID I DO?
458
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,154
YOU TURNED ME INTO
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,
459
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,556
YOU LITTLE SLUT!
460
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:29,328
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
SO ANGRY ABOUT.
461
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,497
I'M JUST GONNA BE
A MOTHER LIKE
YOU GUYS.
462
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,431
NO, NO, NO.
463
00:15:32,531 --> 00:15:33,699
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
464
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:35,367
BETWEEN BEING A MOTHER
AND BEING A GRANDMOTHER.
465
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:38,570
BECAUSE BEING A MOTHER
IMPLIES THAT YOU'RE
YOUNG AND FRESH
466
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,005
AND FERTILE.
467
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,741
AND BEING A GRANDMOTHER
MEANS YOU'RE A DRIED UP
OLD HAG.
468
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:44,777
AND BEING
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER
469
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:48,213
JUST MEANS YOU WISH
YOU WERE JUST A DRIED UP
OLD HAG.
470
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,482
OH, GOD.
[CRYING]
471
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,318
WHAT ARE YOU
CRYING ABOUT?
472
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:55,688
I'M CRYING
BECAUSE NONE OF
YOU WERE HAPPY
473
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:56,989
THAT I WAS BORN.
474
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,725
AND NOW, YOU'RE
NOT HAPPY THAT
I'M PREGNANT.
475
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,593
NO.
HEY, LADIES.
476
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,296
All: GET OUT!
OK.
477
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:07,132
[CRYING]
HEY.
478
00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:09,034
HEY, IT'S GONNA BE OK.
479
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,803
ALL RIGHT, BABE?
480
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:14,440
NO MATTER WHAT,
I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE
FOR YOU.
481
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,809
I WILL NEVER LEAVE, OK?
482
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,044
GET OUT, DOUG.
OK.
483
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,349
WHAT DO
YOU WANT?
484
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:24,883
WE CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
485
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,019
WHICH IS SOMETHING
THAT DOES NOT
COME NATURALLY,
486
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:28,687
BY THE WAY.
487
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,156
WE WERE WRONG.
488
00:16:31,256 --> 00:16:32,291
THAT'S RIGHT.
489
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,993
I MEAN, I WASN'T
AS WRONG AS YOUR MOTHER,
490
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:37,129
BUT I DO TAKE
SOME SMALL SHARE
OF THE BLAME.
491
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,933
WHAT THE HELL?
OH!
492
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:41,834
LISTEN.
493
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:45,304
BABY, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND.
494
00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:46,672
WE WERE FREAKING OUT.
495
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:48,907
I MEAN, THIS PREGNANCY
496
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,243
IS OBVIOUSLY
A BIG DEAL FOR YOU,
497
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,378
BUT YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND.
498
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,646
IT'S A BIG DEAL
FOR US, TOO.
499
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:55,914
I MEAN, ONE LITTLE ROLL
IN THE HAY
500
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,684
AND YOU'RE MAKING ME
A GRANDMOTHER.
501
00:16:58,784 --> 00:16:59,885
AND I'M GONNA BE
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.
502
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:01,987
HOW DID YOU
MAKE THIS HAPPEN?
503
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,689
WELL, WE DIDN'T
PLAN ON IT,
504
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:06,825
BUT THOSE ECO-FRIENDLY
FROG-BELLY CONDOMS
WE WERE USING
505
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:08,861
WEREN'T AS EFFECTIVE
AS WE THOUGHT.
506
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:12,264
EVEN THOUGH
THEY WERE RIBBITED
FOR MY PLEASURE.
507
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,733
FROG CONDOMS?
508
00:17:14,833 --> 00:17:16,502
YOU CAN'T TRUST THE FRENCH
WITH ANYTHING.
509
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:17,903
WELL,
510
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,371
I'M GONNA NEED
THE TWO OF YOU.
511
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,306
WHEN IT
COMES TO THIS
MOTHERHOOD STUFF,
512
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,609
YOU'RE THE ONLY
ROLE MODELS I HAVE.
513
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,110
[SIGHS]
514
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:29,915
WELL, WE APOLOGIZE
IN ADVANCE FOR THAT.
515
00:17:31,283 --> 00:17:33,719
ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S
WORRYING YOU, BABE?
516
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:35,054
WELL, EVERYTHING.
517
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,022
I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS BEFORE.
518
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:43,529
I HAVE THIS LITTLE ALIEN
GROWING INSIDE OF ME
519
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,664
AND I'M GONNA HAVE BOOBS
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
520
00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:46,965
OH, THOSE,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE.
521
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,233
RIGHT?
YOU ARE.
522
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,469
YOU'LL NEVER
LOSE A POPCORN
KERNEL AGAIN.
523
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,171
LAST NIGHT,
I TOOK MY BRA OFF.
524
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:55,307
I FOUND A PEANUT BUTTER
COOKIE AND MY KEYS.
525
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:56,909
[BOTH LAUGHING]
526
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,111
IT'S LIKE HAVING
A SECOND PURSE.
IT IS!
527
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,246
WELL, OK, BUT THEN,
THERE'S GONNA BE THIS BABY
528
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:02,815
AND IT WON'T
BE ABLE TO TALK,
529
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,983
SO, HOW WILL I KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT?
530
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,986
OH, GOD. BELIEVE ME,
I--I HEAR YOU.
531
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,855
IT'S VERY SCARY.
IT IS.
532
00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:11,623
WHEN YOU WERE BORN,
533
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:13,025
THE BIGGEST CONCERN
THAT I HAD
534
00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:14,927
WAS PUTTING
MY FINGER THROUGH
YOUR SOFT SPOT.
535
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:17,996
HELL, I ACTUALLY DID PUT
MY FINGER THROUGH HERS.
536
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,064
WHAT?!
537
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,032
IT'S A JOKE.
OK.
538
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:21,700
[WHISPERING]
NO, IT'S NOT.
539
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,038
[SIGHS]
540
00:18:26,138 --> 00:18:28,474
I--I JUST FEEL
VERY ALONE.
541
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:30,042
NO, BABY!
542
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,543
ALLY, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
543
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:32,945
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
544
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,246
WE ARE HERE.
545
00:18:34,346 --> 00:18:36,949
AND WE'RE NOT
GOING ANYWHERE, OK?
546
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,551
IT TAKES A VILLAGE
TO RAISE A CHILD.
547
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,186
OR A GREAT
GUATAMALAN NANNY.
548
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:42,154
MOTHER!
549
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:43,122
OK, LOOK.
550
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,690
I APPRECIATE THAT,
551
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,425
AND I KNOW THAT
YOU'RE HAVING YOUR OWN
LITTLE PRETEND DRAMAS,
552
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:50,429
FOR NOW, IT'S GOTTA
BE ABOUT ME, ME, ME.
553
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:53,632
OK, OK. IT'S
ABOUT YOU. OK.
554
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:54,967
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
555
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,068
YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
556
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:57,870
COME HERE.
I LOVE YOU.
557
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,538
KISS AND LOVE
THIS MOTHER.
558
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:00,906
I WANT A PIECE OF THAT.
THIS KID.
559
00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:01,940
THIS KID, I
COULD SQUEEZE IT
560
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,408
AND HOLD IT AND
LOVE IT FOREVER.
561
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:04,910
I LOVE IT. I LOVE HER,
I LOVE YOU.
562
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,112
♪ IT'S GONNA BE
ANOTHER BABY ♪
563
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:12,618
HI.
564
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:14,353
OH, MY GOSH.
YOU'RE NOT EATING.
565
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:15,687
WELL, EITHER
PIZZA HUT CUT YOU OFF
566
00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:17,890
OR YOU'RE FEELING BETTER.
567
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,992
I'M FEELING
BETTER.
568
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,894
THANKS FOR BEING
SO PATIENT WITH ME.
569
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,396
HEY, IT'S MY PLEASURE.
570
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:27,499
AND I NEVER THOUGHT THAT
I WOULD SAY THIS EVER,
571
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:29,735
BUT, UH, THANKS
FOR CALLING MY MOM.
572
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,171
HEY, LOOK. SHE
MAY HATE EVERY RACE
ON THE PLANET,
573
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:33,472
BUT SHE SURE
LOVES YOU.
574
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:35,107
OH, THAT SHE DOES.
575
00:19:35,207 --> 00:19:36,074
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
576
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,442
I'M KINDA
LOOKING FORWARD
577
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:39,444
TO HAVING
A LITTLE GRANDBABY
AROUND THE HOUSE,
578
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:42,481
EVEN IF IT'S
HALF DOUG'S.
579
00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:46,051
OH, DON'T YOU LOVE
WHEN THEY SCRUNCH
THEIR LITTLE FACES UP.
580
00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:47,553
THEY LOOK LIKE
LITTLE OLD MEN.
YEAH.
581
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:48,520
EVEN THE GIRLS.
582
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,022
OH, AND THE TOES.
583
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,190
THE TOES, THEY'RE LIKE
LITTLE POPCORN KERNELS.
584
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:52,191
YOU JUST WANNA
585
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,358
[GROWLING]
586
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,827
YEAH, SAUTE 'EM
AND JUST MUNCH ON 'EM.
587
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:56,929
WELL, I HAVE
TO TELL YOU,
588
00:19:57,029 --> 00:20:00,032
YOU ARE GOING TO BE
A WONDERFUL...
589
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,100
GO AHEAD. SAY IT.
590
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,169
GRANDMA.
591
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:07,039
YOU'RE GONNA BE
THE BEST BUBBY
EVER, BABY.
592
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,107
THANK YOU.
593
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,276
AND I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO BEING
A GRANDPA.
594
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,678
REALLY. WHY?
595
00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:15,280
WELL, BECAUSE
MY WHOLE LIFE,
I'VE BEEN GRUMPY.
596
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:16,281
EVER SINCE
I WAS A KID.
597
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:17,449
BUT NOW, I FEEL
LIKE THAT I'M
598
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:21,453
ACTUALLY COMING
INTO MY PERSONALITY.
599
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:22,955
YOU KNOW? I MEAN,
600
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,390
WHEN YOU'RE A
GRANDPA, YOU'RE NOT
CONSIDERED GRUMPY,
601
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,426
BUT MORE
LIKE COLORFUL.
602
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:31,663
I MAY EVEN BUY A
FUNNY HAT OR FART
INAPPROPRIATELY.
603
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:33,332
[LAUGHING]
604
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,133
OH, THE KID'S
GONNA LOVE THAT, HUH?
605
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,101
YEP.
606
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:39,171
[CHUCKLING]
607
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:42,107
[SIGHS]
608
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,209
YOU SCARED?
609
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:45,877
TERRIFIED.
610
00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:51,383
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
"G" MAMA.
611
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,553
I'M PROUD OF YOU,
"G" DIDDY.
612
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:57,222
[BOTH LAUGHING]
613
00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:57,723
{\an8}KN
614
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:57,756
{\an8}KNOW
615
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:57,823
{\an8}KNOW,
616
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:57,856
{\an8}KNOW,
LI
617
00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:57,889
{\an8}KNOW,
LITT
618
00:20:57,889 --> 00:20:57,923
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE
619
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:57,956
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE G
620
00:20:57,956 --> 00:20:57,990
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUP
621
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:58,023
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA
622
00:20:58,023 --> 00:20:58,056
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA I
623
00:20:58,056 --> 00:20:58,090
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA IS
624
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:58,123
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA IS RI
625
00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:58,156
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA IS RIGH
626
00:20:58,156 --> 00:20:58,190
{\an8}KNOW,
LITTLE GUPTA IS RIGHT.
627
00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:02,127
{\an8}HMM.
628
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,167
{\an8}WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
THAT'S MY NICKNAME.
629
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,670
{\an8}I LOVE THAT YOU'RE
PAYING ATTENTION.
630
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,106
{\an8}[ALL LAUGHING]
631
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:17,242
{\an8}GUP--GUPTA
THE GARBAGE BOY IS RIGHT.
632
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,145
{\an8}[ALL LAUGHING]
633
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,483
{\an8}YES?
YES.
634
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:25,517
{\an8}Man: GENTLEMEN.
635
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:27,419
{\an8}NO, TOO FUNNY.
46456
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