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1
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:01,935
♪ All right!
2
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:02,902
♪ Hey!
3
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,772
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
4
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:09,909
What are you doing?
5
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,079
I'm moving your
"exercise equipment."
6
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,615
I think we should get it
out of our daughter's room.
7
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,150
I use the treadmill.
8
00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,718
For running?
9
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,354
{\an8}No. Speed walking.
10
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,456
With my dumbbells.
11
00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:26,459
{\an8}Okay. Dumbbells?
Get over yourself, okay?
12
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:29,629
{\an8}I could clean my ears
with these things.
13
00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:31,765
Come on.
14
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,533
{\an8}It's just that Allison's
coming home from college
for the first time,
15
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,635
{\an8}and I want her to still feel
like this is still home, so...
16
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:39,305
{\an8}It's still her room.
It just has a treadmill in it.
17
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:41,574
You can't keep it
like a museum forever.
18
00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:44,611
Why not? They do at
the Betsy Ross house.
19
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,013
{\an8}Her old-time glasses
there on the bench,
20
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:48,314
{\an8}and the musket
in the corner,
21
00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,083
{\an8}the half-sewn flag
just sitting there
22
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:52,919
{\an8}like she just got up
to go to the can.
23
00:00:53,019 --> 00:00:55,588
{\an8}It's so dark in here.
Maybe I'll change the colors.
24
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:57,157
{\an8}It's how she likes it.
25
00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,360
{\an8}It's traumatic.
It's dark purple, like a...
26
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:01,795
Contusion?
27
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,497
Look, honey.
28
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,767
{\an8}You don't quite understand
Allison the way I do.
She's just like me.
29
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,303
And bright colors
and exercise equipment
30
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,906
makes us want to start
punching stuff.
31
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:16,276
{\an8}Yeah, I know. You two always
had something special.
32
00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:19,813
{\an8}I go through 20 hours
of labor, I cook, I clean.
33
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,548
{\an8}You show her how
to do an arm fart,
34
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,583
{\an8}and suddenly
you're the magic man.
35
00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:26,786
{\an8}Yeah, that was
a turning point.
36
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,154
{\an8}All right, she's going
to be here any second,
37
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:30,423
{\an8}so come on, let's move it.
38
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,293
Okay, you see, right there.
39
00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:35,662
That's why you're
not the favorite.
40
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:37,764
Fine.
41
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,632
{\an8}All right, come on.
All right.
42
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:43,937
{\an8}On three. It's heavy,
so put your caboose
into it. All right?
43
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,773
{\an8}One, two, and three.
44
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,308
{\an8}(GRUNTING)
45
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,846
What's happening?
46
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,714
Oh, my side has wheels.
47
00:01:57,217 --> 00:02:00,954
{\an8}So, I'm lifting and
I'm going backwards.
What are you doing?
48
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:04,057
I'm spotting you.
49
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,960
{\an8}All right, you know what?
I am truly moved
by your chivalry.
50
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,362
Switch sides, jackass.
51
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,532
Jackass? Okay, ready?
52
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:13,933
And here we go.
I will guide you.
53
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,336
Okay. All righty.
54
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:18,571
Okay, could you not push?
55
00:02:18,671 --> 00:02:20,006
Sorry.
56
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:25,612
Wait. It's too big.
57
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:30,150
Oh, now I am remembering
that I took it apart
to get it in here.
58
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,284
(DOOR SLAMS)
59
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:32,652
ALLISON: Hello?
60
00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:33,887
She's here!
61
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,321
Anybody home?
62
00:02:35,421 --> 00:02:36,656
Anybody want to see
their daughter,
63
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:38,258
or should I just
head back to college
64
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:41,561
and continue with my pretty
heavy underage drinking?
65
00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:44,697
See ya.
66
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,466
Eddie!
67
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,667
Squeeze through!
68
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:48,902
(GRUNTING)
69
00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,039
Help!
70
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:54,974
Oh, there she is!
71
00:02:55,074 --> 00:02:57,076
Hi, Daddy.
72
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,645
Where's Mom?
JOY: Ow!
73
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:02,282
Just push your body
through the machine!
74
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:05,185
JOY: I can't!
My hair's caught!
75
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,854
Wow! You have Mom
tied to a machine.
76
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:09,556
Should I go?
77
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:14,127
Are you kidding?
It'll give us more time
to talk.
78
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,563
Allie!
79
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,364
Oh!
Hey, Mom.
80
00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:19,332
Hi!
81
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:21,367
Does she look great, huh?
82
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,436
Yeah. A little skinny.
83
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:27,307
So? How was skiing
with the boyfriend?
84
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,509
Skiing was cold, painful,
and expensive.
85
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:33,313
Honestly, I have no idea
how that sport got through.
86
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:35,949
But Ryan's amazing.
87
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,417
Did you like his family?
88
00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:40,787
Yes. His mom was great.
His dad was great.
His brother was great.
89
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,423
And they're all really nice
and funny and successful.
90
00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,658
Yeah.
91
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:49,028
Actually, I found myself
wishing something would
go wrong for one of them.
92
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,463
Oh, I hope you
don't mind, Mom,
93
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,099
but I brought home
about four months' worth
of my laundry.
94
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:56,736
Oh, don't be silly.
Your mom lives for that.
95
00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:59,639
(LAUGHS) You haven't
washed anything
since you left?
96
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:00,640
(GASPS)
97
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,275
Wow! Tangy!
98
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:08,848
Oh. You know,
if anything smells like pot,
it's because of my roommate.
99
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:12,318
And she's Jamaican,
so it's, you know,
part of her culture.
100
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,423
BOTH: Happy holidays!
101
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:22,595
Hey, we're just
dropping by to tell you
we're back from our trip.
102
00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:24,163
Thanks so much for
taking in our mail.
103
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,932
Yeah, no problem.
104
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,002
It's kind of wet.
105
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,937
I'm going to
level with you.
106
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:34,040
It was sitting on your porch
in the snow up until
about an hour ago.
107
00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:37,777
Guys, this is Allison,
our daughter.
108
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:39,846
She's back from college
for winter break.
109
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:40,980
Hey.
110
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,850
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, my God! Hi!
111
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,319
{\an5}Okay. Oh, my God.
We're hugging.
Oh!
112
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,390
It's very nice
to meet you. Hi.
113
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,158
So, how was Christmas
in Minnesota?
114
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,826
Oh, it was really nice.
115
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,328
Jeff and my parents
are both divorced
and remarried,
116
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,997
so we actually get
four Christmases.
117
00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,600
Quadruple the joy.
118
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:04,003
I got caught
under the mistletoe
with my stepmom.
119
00:05:04,103 --> 00:05:06,205
A little too much eggnog.
She...
120
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,342
She really went for it.
121
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:11,778
It's good to be home,
though!
122
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:12,912
Yeah.
123
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:14,814
Hey, we're having a little
New Year's gathering
124
00:05:14,914 --> 00:05:16,316
and we wanted to
invite you guys.
125
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,985
Oh, New Year's Eve.
Yeah, not a fan.
126
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:22,055
Way too much pressure
to make it the best
night ever, you know.
127
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,956
Y2K, that kind of
got me excited,
128
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:28,428
'cause there was
always that chance of
the world shutting down.
129
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,763
All right, well,
hey, we should go.
We should go.
130
00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:34,267
But if you change
your mind about the party,
you know where to find us.
131
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:37,770
Happy holidays.
Feliz Navidad.
132
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:40,039
Joyeux Noel!
133
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:43,543
God, they're exhausting.
134
00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:45,545
Yeah. So, Allie,
you want to go upstairs...
135
00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,246
{\an8}(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Hang on a second.
136
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,117
I got a text message.
Ooh! It's from Ryan.
137
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:52,452
Already, huh?
138
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,954
He had a really
great time with me.
139
00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:56,789
He's been doing
some thinking.
140
00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:58,624
Some things happened
this weekend,
141
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:03,529
and his Aunt Joan
overheard me making
fun of her mustache.
142
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,531
Oh, my God!
143
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:08,101
I'm a really great girl,
but...
144
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,437
Oh, God. He... Oh, my God!
145
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,506
(SOBBING) He dumped me!
146
00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:15,541
What?
Oh, honey.
147
00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:18,711
I loved him so much!
148
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,147
Sweetheart!
149
00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:22,782
Mom!
150
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:24,884
(CRYING)
151
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:29,922
It's okay! Mommy's here.
152
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,759
Why are men such idiots?
153
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:36,262
Oh, I don't know.
But they sure are,
aren't they?
154
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,533
You know what?
Let's go splash
some water on that face
155
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:43,169
and we'll snuggle in
and we'll talk all
about it, okay?
156
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:44,670
Okay.
All right.
157
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,005
You might want to get
started on that laundry.
158
00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:47,740
Okay. All right.
159
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,043
Now, this load gonna be
a cold/cold, a cold/warm,
a warm/warm, a hot...
160
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,478
{\an8}(ALLISON SOBBING)
Oh, okay!
161
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,647
Daddy will figure it out!
162
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:57,750
♪ Ooh ♪
163
00:06:58,284 --> 00:06:59,619
Hey.
164
00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:00,920
Hi, there.
165
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,022
11:00 a.m.?
166
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:06,626
Yeah, Allison and I were up
so late talking last night.
167
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:10,096
She's never poured her heart
out to me like that before.
168
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:13,266
She was crying and
she was shaking a little.
169
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:15,568
So much pain.
170
00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:17,470
It's kind of fantastic!
171
00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:20,406
I can't believe
how happy you are
172
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,942
that she went to you
and not me.
173
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:24,243
Look at you gloat.
174
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:27,113
I'm not gloating.
I'm having my coffee.
175
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:29,215
And I'm dancing a little.
176
00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:33,986
Yeah, well, meanwhile...
177
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:36,489
Meanwhile, I did 10 loads
of her laundry.
178
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,357
And I have to say,
I found things in
her pockets
179
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,760
that a father
just shouldn't see.
180
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:44,263
But on the plus side,
at least she's having
safe sex.
181
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,633
I can't believe
she didn't come to me.
182
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:49,569
She always comes to me.
183
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:51,938
Well, maybe that's because
she's growing up,
184
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:54,874
and now she needs
a woman to understand
what she's going through.
185
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,909
Besides, this is our child
we're talking about.
186
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:59,412
It is not a competition.
187
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,280
Although, if it were
a competition,
188
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:03,649
this would clearly be
a big win for me.
189
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,519
Okay, this is not over.
190
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,189
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hey.
191
00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:11,924
So, I hear your mom
talked your ear off
192
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:13,693
pretty good last night,
huh?
193
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:16,229
Yeah, I been there.
194
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,497
Hey, why don't we
hop in the car?
195
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:18,664
We'll go get a couple
of cheesesteaks.
196
00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:20,233
Dad, I really...
Oh, come on.
197
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,235
Allison,
it's our tradition.
198
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,703
Dad, I haven't even
had breakfast yet.
199
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:25,071
Oh, stop with the
not having breakfast.
200
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,372
Come on,
I'll tell you what.
201
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:28,674
We'll go get a doughnut
on the way over.
202
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:30,810
And by the way,
the drier's gonna ding
in a half hour,
203
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:33,012
so you may wanna get that.
204
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:38,818
Good morning. Hi.
205
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,954
I'll take the pizza steak
with the wiz and onions.
206
00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:44,423
And crisp cut fries
with the wiz on it.
207
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,692
And make sure I get some
extra wiz on the side
208
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:49,962
just to make absolutely sure
that my heart stops beating
before noon.
209
00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:51,464
(LAUGHS)
210
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:53,232
Same for you, honey?
211
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,601
Actually, I'll have
a cheesesteak with
peppers and onions,
212
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,337
but hold the cheese
and the steak,
and also no bun.
213
00:08:58,437 --> 00:09:00,339
I think you just
ordered air.
214
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:02,508
Well, I gotta stop
eating so much crap.
215
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:04,076
What do you mean?
You love this stuff.
216
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:07,480
Hey, Maurice. Get some
wiz into this kid pronto,
will ya?
217
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,348
(STAMMERING)
What's the matter?
218
00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:12,084
Are you still depressed
about the guy? Huh?
219
00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:13,619
Well, you know what?
That's okay.
220
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,689
I want you to let it out.
Cry it out to Daddy.
221
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,659
Cry it all out. Daddy!
222
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:22,895
That's it. Okay.
Thank you, Maurice.
223
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:25,765
There you go. Okay.
Come on over here.
224
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:30,336
Oh! Hi! Hey!
Hey, you guys!
225
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,838
Hey! Hi. What are
you two doing here?
226
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:36,075
Oh, just picking up
our 10-foot hoagie
for the party tonight.
227
00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:36,976
Oh.
Ooh!
228
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,110
It's freezing out!
229
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,278
(GROWLING)
230
00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:40,913
Stop!
231
00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:43,783
I just can't help it.
You're so cute when
you're cold.
232
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,851
Your nose is all red,
your skin's all flaky,
233
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,120
you have that little
shiny snot stream
coming down.
234
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:49,589
It's adorable.
235
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,359
Listen, if you guys
change your minds
about the party,
236
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:55,261
the invitation is still
open, all right?
237
00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,229
Okay. All right.
238
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,035
So, you had a nice talk
with Mom last night?
239
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,337
Yeah.
That's good.
240
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,404
It's important to talk it out.
241
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:08,774
Your mom is an amazing lady.
Very wise.
242
00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:10,109
Of course,
when you left for school,
243
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,044
she wasted no time
bringing in a treadmill.
244
00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:14,614
That's just kinda gotta break
your heart a little bit.
245
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:17,016
Come on, over here.
Big treadmill cry.
246
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:18,217
It's fine.
247
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:20,586
I actually ran on it
this morning.
248
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:23,656
You did?
But we don't believe
in physical fitness.
249
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:27,226
It's a hoax, like those
freaking hybrid cars.
250
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:30,730
No, you don't believe in it.
We're not the same person.
251
00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,366
Well, we kinda are.
252
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:34,800
Well, I don't want to be.
253
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,469
I talked to Ryan last night.
254
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,137
You know why he
broke up with me?
Because of you!
255
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,239
Me? He never even met me.
256
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:42,174
He didn't have to.
257
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:44,877
He said I was too dark
and too negative
and sarcastic.
258
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,546
And where did I
get that from?
From you.
259
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:51,617
(STAMMERING) I'm not negative.
I'm provocative.
260
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,554
I'm raw.
I make people think.
261
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,990
Okay. Most dads tell
their little girls
262
00:10:58,090 --> 00:11:00,760
bedtime stories about
princesses and fairies.
263
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,329
You told me about
the Cuban Missile Crisis.
264
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:06,298
Yeah, but I did it
in that delightful
Ricky Ricardo voice.
265
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,668
(IMITATING RICKY RICARDO)
"Lucy, they're coming around
with the missiles.
266
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,002
"Listen to me now, Lucy."
267
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:13,839
Come on. I mean, that is...
You know, that's charming.
268
00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:17,076
Would you rather I was
one of those nice, sweet,
happy people?
269
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,177
Come on.
270
00:11:18,277 --> 00:11:20,112
Yes!
271
00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:22,248
Growing up in our house,
I didn't even know
any different,
272
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,583
but those people do exist.
273
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,185
Ryan was one of them.
274
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:27,853
But he was wrong for you.
275
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:30,589
You hang out with
people like that,
you wind up being
276
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,092
a grown man who celebrates
his wife's mucus.
277
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,727
Bye-bye!
Bye!
278
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:39,932
Well, I think that's nice.
279
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,502
They seem nice,
and normal and happy.
280
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:46,072
You know what?
I'm going to go to
their party tonight.
281
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:47,506
And I'm going to make
a New Year's resolution.
282
00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:49,542
You know what it is?
What?
283
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:53,813
From now on, I'm going
to be more like them
and less like you.
284
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:56,716
Look, I'm going to say this
because I care.
285
00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,920
Is this your roommate's
pot talking?
286
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,658
♪ Ooh ♪
287
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:07,526
Happy New Year.
288
00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:09,228
Guess it's just
you and me tonight.
289
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,330
Yup.
290
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:14,333
I'm sorry I drove our
child away with my...
291
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:15,801
Personality?
292
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,838
Bingo.
293
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:20,940
What you doing?
294
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,309
I'm just thinking
about the girl that
Allison used to be.
295
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,177
I found one of her
old school notebooks,
296
00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:26,178
and the first thing
I turned to
297
00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:29,048
is this essay she wrote
about the universe
298
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:31,751
and how pointless
it all is.
299
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,586
She was quite a 10-year-old.
300
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,454
Yes, she was.
301
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,523
Oh. Look at this.
302
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:42,728
Remember how she used to
"rage against the machines"?
303
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,967
Yeah. You do know
that's a band, right?
304
00:12:53,739 --> 00:12:54,907
I do now.
305
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,044
You know,
I was just thinking,
306
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,013
we really don't have
that much time left
with her.
307
00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,314
What are you
talking about?
308
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:03,916
Well, she's in college
now, right?
309
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:06,085
So, the only time
we're really going
to see her is
310
00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:08,487
during the holidays,
spring break,
311
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:11,323
graduation, her wedding,
312
00:13:11,423 --> 00:13:12,892
the birth of her child.
313
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:17,596
I'm counting
18 more days with her
for the rest of our lives.
314
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:21,167
This is the dark stuff
that she doesn't like,
right? Okay.
315
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,602
How are we going to fix this?
316
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,573
Want to try to find
her roommate's pot?
317
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:36,248
Or, we could stop
talking about the girl
that Allison was
318
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:39,451
and start thinking about
the girl Allison wants to be.
319
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:45,558
Come on. Let's go to
the Woodcocks' party.
Let's try to act happy.
320
00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:48,928
Or...
321
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:49,995
Eddie.
322
00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:51,764
All right. All right. Fine.
323
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:54,466
We'll go throw
confetti in the air
like a bunch of morons
324
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,169
because the Earth made it
around the sun on more time.
325
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:58,537
Eddie.
Last time. Last time.
326
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,806
I'm just getting it
out of my system.
327
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:03,843
This is going to be
the best New Year's ever.
328
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,311
(CROWS)
329
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,478
(LAUGHS)
330
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:13,519
ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven!
331
00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:14,987
Oh, my God.
Were we being too loud?
332
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:16,488
You didn't call the cops,
did you?
333
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,491
Hell, no.
We are here to party!
334
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,627
ALL: Happy New Year!
335
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,596
(ALL CHEERING)
336
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,197
(LAUGHING)
337
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:28,567
Wow! So, what's going on?
My watch says 10:30.
338
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,536
Oh, instead of waiting
for midnight,
339
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:33,272
we celebrate New Year's
in each approaching
time zone.
340
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,141
Right now, it's New Year's
in Newfoundland.
341
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:38,344
(BLOWS HORN)
342
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:39,445
What are you guys
doing here?
343
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,413
Hey.
Hey. There she is.
344
00:14:41,513 --> 00:14:43,849
You know what? We think
that you had a point
345
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:46,385
that maybe we're just
being a little too dark,
so all of that is over.
346
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:47,720
Right? Yeah.
Right, hon?
347
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,922
{\an5}Yeah.
Absolutely.
We're here to party.
348
00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:51,724
As Kool once said
to his gang,
349
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,159
"Celebrate good times.
Come on!"
350
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:57,363
Are you guys serious?
351
00:14:57,463 --> 00:15:01,634
Oh, I'm as serious as
a ship off Newfoundland
in a big storm.
352
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,535
Hey! A hat!
353
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:09,208
All right, people.
Time to break out
the limbo stick.
354
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,613
All CHANTING:
Russ! Russ! Russ! Russ!
355
00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:17,383
Russ! Russ! Eddie! Eddie!
356
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:20,986
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
357
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,354
Take it in there.
Bend down.
358
00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:23,789
You come up to me.
359
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,891
ALL: Eddie! Eddie!
360
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,727
Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!
361
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,698
(ALL CHEERING)
362
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,106
My New Year's
resolutions are:
363
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:43,676
I'm gonna lose
two pounds,
364
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,812
I'm gonna
master Quicken,
365
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:52,051
and I'm gonna do
what I can to help save
all the wild horses.
366
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:53,752
(ALL EXCLAIM)
367
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,191
Eddie?
368
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:03,329
Oh, uh, wow, okay. Um...
369
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,831
I, too, would like
to lose two pounds.
370
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:09,134
What else?
371
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,837
I'm gonna start
to look at rainbows.
372
00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:21,647
But I mean, really
look at them for the
first time in my life,
373
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:23,882
and not just the ones
up in the sky,
374
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:28,253
even the ones on oil slicks,
or stickers,
375
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:30,589
or roast beef
when it's gone bad.
376
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,491
(CLEARS THROAT)
377
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:36,362
♪ Something strange
In the neighborhood
378
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:38,097
♪ Who ya gonna call?
379
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:39,398
BOTH: ♪ Ghostbusters!
380
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,767
(GHOSTBUSTERS THEME PLAYING)
381
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:44,436
BOTH: ♪ I ain't afraid
of no ghost ♪
382
00:16:44,536 --> 00:16:45,804
(WHOOPS)
383
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:48,574
(WHOOPS)
384
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,142
Thank you!
385
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:55,014
You okay, Dad? That was
a pretty intense set.
386
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,482
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
387
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,917
I'm fine. I'm just
getting started.
388
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,487
Okay, everybody, everybody.
Steph! Steph, come here.
389
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:04,556
It's a few minutes
to midnight,
390
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:06,959
and one of our Minnesota
traditions is,
391
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:10,162
I dress up as an old man
symbolizing the old year,
392
00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:13,465
and somebody else dresses up
as Baby New Year!
393
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:15,901
So who wants to
put on a diaper?
394
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,773
Come on, we need somebody
with really nice legs.
395
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,509
Hey, people, it's fun!
396
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,679
Diaper me.
397
00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:31,016
♪ Oh ♪
398
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:34,253
Okay, stop hopping
and just step into it.
399
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:35,654
Well, I can't
find the hole.
400
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:39,625
Hold the diaper...
Hold the diaper steady!
401
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,761
Oh, God, I just flashed on us
30 years from now.
402
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,501
Okay, all right.
Here, hold this.
403
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:50,502
Hold this, right?
Okay. All right.
404
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,404
Right? Okay?
Yeah.
405
00:17:52,504 --> 00:17:54,773
(GRUNTING)
406
00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:57,543
That's not diaper you're
tugging, that's me!
407
00:17:58,577 --> 00:17:59,978
All right, well,
stop fighting me!
408
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:03,816
I am trying to fit
a lot of stuff into
a small space here.
409
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,851
I hear ya.
410
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:08,487
Hold this.
411
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,155
No! Look, look,
you're rubbing me raw.
412
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,991
Can you see if they
have any Vaseline?
413
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,693
Okay, you know what? Stop.
414
00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,663
I care for you very deeply,
415
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:22,267
and I support everything
you are trying to do
right now, but...
416
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:27,406
This is going to be
very hard for me to unsee.
417
00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:31,376
And I would like
to make love to you
418
00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:34,880
at some point in the future,
so I'm going to go.
419
00:18:36,348 --> 00:18:38,817
Look, you gotta...
She said...
420
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,086
{\an8}(KNOCK ON DOOR)
What?
421
00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:44,022
Oh, hi, honey.
Dad?
422
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,057
Yes, yes.
423
00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:52,364
Hey...
424
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,534
This is fun.
425
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,936
The new me.
I'm a big baby!
426
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,006
Yeah, um...
427
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,943
You don't have to
do this for me.
428
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:06,845
What?
429
00:19:06,945 --> 00:19:09,481
Look, I know
you're trying to act
all happy and excited
430
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:12,317
because I said
that's what I wanted,
431
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:14,987
but now that I see it,
432
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:18,957
you in a diaper is
worse than any dark side
I could ever imagine.
433
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:22,060
This just isn't you,
434
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:26,265
and after a few hours here,
this isn't really me, either.
435
00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,203
Dad, can you put
your shirt on?
436
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:32,871
Of course.
437
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:35,107
Sorry.
438
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,509
(CHUCKLES)
439
00:19:37,609 --> 00:19:39,578
(SOFTLY) Okay. Excuse me.
440
00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:50,956
I'm sorry about
what I said.
441
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:55,260
I got dumped and I was upset
and I just lashed out at you.
442
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,728
(SOFTLY) It's okay.
443
00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:01,600
But you're a big, angry,
dark, wonderful dad.
444
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,002
And I'm proud
that I'm like you.
445
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,704
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
446
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:08,273
Come on, Eddie,
30 seconds to midnight.
447
00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:12,878
My dad's not
going to dress up
like a baby, Jeff.
448
00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:15,180
Yeah, I was chafing
pretty bad.
449
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,348
What?
450
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,885
You're going to bail on us?
I can't believe this!
451
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:23,855
Okay, everybody, our
big baby just punched
us right in the shorts!
452
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,227
Wow, it's pretty great
when that guy gets angry.
453
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,095
Oh, it's the best.
454
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:32,331
You know,
sometimes during car pool,
he'll try to get in the car
455
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:34,800
and I just keep
inching forward like that.
456
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,468
He goes ballistic.
It's heaven.
457
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:37,669
(GIGGLES)
458
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,171
PEOPLE: Happy New Year!
459
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:40,272
(ALL CHEERING)
460
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,540
Happy New Year, Dad.
461
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:42,874
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
462
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,143
Happy New Year, honey.
463
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,612
Come here.
464
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,514
Thank you.
465
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,753
Okay, here we go.
"Dear Ryan."
466
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,055
No, no, no.
"Dear Assface."
467
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:00,859
Oh, sorry. Too dark still?
468
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:04,429
{\an8}No, I just think that
"assface" is going to be
too strong out of the gate.
469
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,465
{\an8}You know, I want him
to read the whole thing.
470
00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:09,534
{\an8}Smart. Well-played.
We'll end with "assface".
471
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:12,137
{\an8}No, I disagree.
472
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:14,072
{\an8}I mean, what are
you going to say?
473
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:18,343
{\an8}"I'm so hurt, I'm so sad,
you hurt my feelings,
blah, blah, blah."
474
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,746
{\an8}I say cut to the chase.
475
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:24,716
{\an8}"Dear Assface, suck it.
See you in hell."
476
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:27,853
{\an8}Listen to your mother.
477
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:29,521
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS)
I love you guys.
478
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:30,722
{\an8}Nah.
37255
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