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1
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:09,635
Uh...
2
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,558
This is my third coat, Jerry.
What do we think?
3
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,219
Over the top, or just Cuban?
4
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:19,523
Lady, you look great.
5
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,443
[squeals] You better stop flirting
with me, Jerry. [laughs]
6
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,112
People don't hook up
with their Uber driver,
7
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,531
unless they want to be part
of a very unfortunate story in the news.
8
00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,741
But you're not gonna murder me
and throw me in the trunk, right, Jer?
9
00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,323
Well, not now.
10
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,660
[laughing] I needed that joke.
11
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,912
I'm a little hyped up,
if you can't tell. [chuckles]
12
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,207
[stammers] Take it easy.
It's just a first date.
13
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,921
Just have fun. No pressure.
14
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,711
[exclaims] No pressure, Jerry?
15
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:50,433
Mira, a first date
is two hearts parched in the desert,
16
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:53,848
quenching forever their thirst for amor.
17
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,508
Wait, what?
18
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:58,602
Hold on.
19
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:01,936
[sighs]
20
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,820
-[cell phone rings]
-Dígame.
21
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,608
Mami, the story of
when you and Papi first met.
22
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,403
Cuba, 1958.
23
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:11,907
You might wanna circle the block, Jerry.
24
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,949
It was a hot, steamy night,
25
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,913
and I had borrowed
my sister Maruchi's red dress.
26
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,285
And I had snuck into the Havana Club.
27
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:23,672
And the passion fell like rain drops.
28
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,960
And I was about to enter the heart...
29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,300
of the hurricane.
30
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,259
And I'm circling the block.
31
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,680
[in Spanish] I am Berto.
32
00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:41,061
I was Lydia. Now...
33
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,483
I am yours.
34
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,810
[Latin music playing]
35
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,239
You are the most beautiful woman
in the world.
36
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,160
How could you know?
You've never left Cuba.
37
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:03,829
And now... I never will.
38
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,680
What is it like to be so loved?
39
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,732
You tell me.
40
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,815
[in English] I don't speak Spanish,
41
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,735
but I know
your date's not gonna be that good.
42
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,124
[grunts]
43
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,950
I know, Jerry!
44
00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:41,912
Thanks, Mami.
45
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,995
Claro, but I have to go.
Schneider's a wreck.
46
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,629
[sniffles] Tell it again.
47
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,052
[theme song playing]
48
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:44,221
Then my mom says, "Niña, your papi
and I have a love that goes beyond death."
49
00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,057
You know, she still talks to him out loud.
50
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,310
He's dead, Jerry.
51
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,359
I'm kinda jealous of him.
52
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:55,938
[chuckles] Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.
53
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:59,158
Okay, I'm out. You have a good night.
54
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,829
-And I'mma give you five stars.
-Thank you.
55
00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,445
But I should give myself five stars
for making it out of the house tonight.
56
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,288
I can't tell you what it took
just to get to this moment.
57
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,884
But you're gonna, huh?
58
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,165
Yesterday, I was in my office...
I'm a nurse.
59
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,094
I used to be in the Army,
but I don't wanna get off track.
60
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,383
I'll tell you about that later.
61
00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:19,755
Anyway, they start all this stuff
about me being...
62
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:24,181
So, what's everybody got going on tonight?
Any fun plans?
63
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,934
[chomping] I was thinking
of walking the aisles at Target
64
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,387
to see if I can make
any new friends. [chuckles]
65
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,650
You wanna make new friends,
66
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:36,941
you ought to come to the bowling alley,
and watch me crush some pins.
67
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,987
[laughs] That's a good...
Oh, you're serious?
68
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,284
Well, what about you, Penelope?
69
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,536
Oh, you know, Mama got a big pile of bills
with her name on it.
70
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:48,828
-[chuckles]
-No, literally my name is on every bill.
71
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,214
Anyway, I'm just, you know, flying solo.
72
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,247
Penelope...
73
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,843
you are so brave.
74
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,836
What's happening?
75
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:05,759
I mean, casting your man aside
and striking out on your own.
76
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,427
At your age,
I would literally kill myself.
77
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,347
Hmm...
78
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,805
I get why you'd wanna kill you.
79
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:19,189
It's not so bad out there
for older singles like Penelope and me.
80
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:22,157
Ugh! I felt that one in the gut.
81
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,616
-[sighs]
-For starters, there are so many
82
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,450
microwave meals now,
and I dig 'em.
83
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:34,921
Sometimes when I wanna splurge,
I get the Betty Crocker omelet for two,
84
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,922
for one. [laughs]
85
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,260
[sighs]
86
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,013
Doc, you're forgetting about
the best part about being single.
87
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,893
Dating apps. Oh, they're great.
There's guys like me out there.
88
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,272
Oh, I didn't know there was an app
called "Disappointment." [laughs]
89
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,814
You gotta start dating again, Penelope.
90
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,279
Right now,
while there's still barely time.
91
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,319
-I'm 38.
-I know.
92
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,573
Okay, okay!
93
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,620
Everybody,
I really appreciate all the advice but...
94
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,905
I'm good. I don't need a date.
95
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:13,124
I was married to Victor for 17 years,
and I'm loving not having a dude around.
96
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,786
-[knocking on door]
-Excuse me.
97
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,956
I guess there are some things I miss.
98
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,590
I have a package for Penelope Alvarez.
99
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,264
[Lori and Scott chuckle]
100
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,758
What? Why...
why is everybody laughing?
101
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,217
That's me.
102
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:31,853
[softly] Sign here.
103
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,104
Okay.
104
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,438
-Penelope.
-That's my name.
105
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,862
I'll remember now.
106
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:40,361
Thank you.
107
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,319
Oh, my God! You saw that?
108
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,445
-You saw that! [laughs]
-[Lori squeals]
109
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,531
[laughs] I still got it!
110
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,076
[sing-song] I still got it. [normal] Yes!
111
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,161
And there are hot men out there
with big packages
112
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,246
and you know whose name
is on those big packages?
113
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,752
Mine. [laughing]
114
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,501
So, yeah, I still got it, Michelle,
but for how long?
115
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,418
Because let's face it, Lori's right,
116
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,546
when it comes to dating,
38 is basically...
117
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,934
sixty in lady years.
118
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,138
I'm the Dr. Berkowitz of women.
119
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,726
I don't know what that means,
but it sounds sad.
120
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,068
Dr. Berkowitz is my boss,
remember, Michelle?
121
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,729
I'm about to have my first date
in 20 years,
122
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,647
and right now you're my therapist,
so I need you to keep up.
123
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,487
-Can I get a beer?
-No, she's busy.
124
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,445
Let me explain what you're looking at.
125
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,238
I'm a snowman.
126
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,167
I don't wanna be racist,
but does that mean...
127
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:42,713
coke dealer?
128
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,339
Snowman means,
right now, I look good,
129
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:52,216
because it's still winter and everything
is where it's supposed to be,
130
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,175
but spring is a comin', girl.
131
00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:56,096
And all of this...
132
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,652
is about to melt.
133
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,519
That's silly. You look amazing!
134
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,226
Right now, but not for long.
135
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,646
I mean, I have one slight advantage,
'cause I got the Latina patina.
136
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,198
Because there's something
about our skin, you know.
137
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,280
A white girl like yourself's
gotta start worrying around 30.
138
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,035
-How old are you?
-Thirty-three.
139
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,288
I'm sorry, honey.
140
00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:18,955
But this is why I have to force myself
out there to meet Adam Bennett.
141
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,133
-Gimme your vibe.
-Oh, hello.
142
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,921
[laughs] He's cute, right?
143
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,165
Yeah, yeah.
144
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,427
Maybe he's too cute.
Maybe he won't think I'm cute.
145
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,139
Maybe I'm not even a snowman anymore.
Maybe I've melted. Michelle!
146
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,095
Am I just a puddle, a carrot,
and a magic hat?
147
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,307
-Oh, no, I can't.
-It's not for you.
148
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:45,065
I don't know
why I'm so freaked out! [chuckles]
149
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,980
I was fine yesterday.
150
00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,449
How the hell do I do this?
151
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,198
Do I like? Do I swipe?
Do I put someone in my cart?
152
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,332
It's like watching a baby bird
learn to fly.
153
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,539
[scoffs] Everybody I know
is either married
154
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,289
or I'm too embarrassed to ask them.
155
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,581
So, you were my only option.
156
00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,172
I hear ya.
157
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,959
And I'm honored. [chuckles]
158
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:07,003
-Help.
-All right, all right. [sighs]
159
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,469
Are you sure
you wanna do the online thing?
160
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,549
For you, I'd recommend
a more old-fashioned approach.
161
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,255
Go to a coffee shop,
162
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,636
make eye contact
with an appealing stranger,
163
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,813
then, follow them home.
164
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,403
-Follow them home?
-Yeah. Or to their car.
165
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,730
You could try a bathroom stall,
but that's a little sketch.
166
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:29,066
I mean, listen, you do you,
but you're a mother now.
167
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,741
I'm not looking to have sex with someone.
168
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,161
[chuckles] Yeah,
let's not put that in your profile.
169
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,660
I get it, you mean a real date.
170
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,664
Yes, it's been 20 years.
171
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,076
You know, back then, online dating meant
172
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:45,835
hooking up while waiting in line
to buy Boyz II Men tickets.
173
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,804
I helped turn a couple of boys to men.
[chuckles]
174
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,391
Okay.
175
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,719
-[chuckles]
-Okay.
176
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:58,523
Ooh, ooh, use this picture for my profile.
I look cute there.
177
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,178
So do your kids.
No one wants to see your kids.
178
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:06,475
That's, like, a second date revealer.
If you're good, a never reveal.
179
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,151
Right, right, lie about everything.
This is good.
180
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,244
Do you have some paper
so I could write this down?
181
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,159
I'm just gonna do a little Photoshop,
182
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:16,948
replace the kids with a bicycle,
so he thinks you exercise.
183
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,453
And... we're live.
184
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,537
Okay, what about this guy?
He went to Brown.
185
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,252
Yeah, but he's posing with a tiger.
186
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:27,082
Yeah, but he's holding nunchucks,
so he's awesome!
187
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,050
But not for you. Okay. [clears throat]
188
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,471
You might also want to avoid guys
who post their abs, but not their face.
189
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,511
And anyone who says
they're an entrepreneur.
190
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,684
What does your profile say?
191
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,352
I am an entrepreneur.
192
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:42,102
[sighs]
193
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,564
Okay, what about this guy?
He's a cop.
194
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,113
Okay, a guy in uniform.
I'm not uninterested.
195
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,066
He has nice eyes.
196
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,237
"Adam Bennett."
197
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,487
And you have a date tonight.
198
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,162
-No, wait, what? That was too fast.
-No, you're too slow.
199
00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,531
He's probably already forgotten
about your date
200
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,907
and moved on to someone
whose bicycle isn't wearing sneakers.
201
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,370
I'm really bad at Photoshop.
202
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,207
Come on, Pen, you doing this or not?
203
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,710
Okay, you know what?
204
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,634
I realized I...
205
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,677
I didn't think this through at all. I...
206
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,891
I mean,
my mom still thinks I'm married,
207
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,221
so, you know,
she's gonna lose her mind and...
208
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,596
Elena might be okay,
209
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,274
but Alex, he's still so young
and this could definitely mess with him.
210
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,150
I don't think I should do it.
211
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,451
If my family finds out,
it'll be a disaster.
212
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,696
Maybe just don't tell 'em?
213
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:39,951
Genius! Let's do this thing!
214
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,079
Set it up for tomorrow, 7:30.
Both kids are busy.
215
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:45,621
-And, Schneider?
-Yeah?
216
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,745
-Schneider. Hey!
-Yeah.
217
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,421
-All right.
-Look at me in the eye here.
218
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:49,459
Okay?
219
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:53,840
My mom, Elena, Alex...
220
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,166
Nobody can know.
221
00:11:56,674 --> 00:12:00,184
Hey, don't worry,
I'll be way too busy to tell them.
222
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,098
Just texted nunchucks guy
and I think we're gonna hang.
223
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,516
[Penelope] So then I was like,
"Let's do this thing!" [chuckles]
224
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,812
I went to Sephora,
and bought a tube of mascara,
225
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,356
so I could get a free makeover.
226
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,069
Hey, did you know
that mascara's, like, 14 bucks now?
227
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,650
[Abby] Mine was 36.
228
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,565
[Penelope] Shut your face,
my new best friend, Abby!
229
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,736
[Abby] Hey, can I get that toilet paper
I asked for five minutes ago?
230
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,195
[Penelope chuckling] Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
231
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:28,924
[sighs]
232
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:32,667
Found a jumpsuit for 40 bucks
that shows off the...
233
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,632
[sing-song] girls!
234
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,762
[normal] Talking about my boobs, Abby!
235
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,594
-[toilet flushing]
-Anyway...
236
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,640
curled, sprayed, plucked.
237
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:47,312
Abby, I am hairless.
238
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,942
And I am here.
239
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:50,938
Oh, man.
240
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,108
I even shaved my lady 'stache.
241
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,230
-[Abby] Wait, you can do that?
-Yes.
242
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:59,448
It doesn't grow back thicker.
That's a myth started by Big Wax.
243
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,325
[exhales sharply] Oh, look at me.
244
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,988
[inhales deeply] Uh...
245
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,082
when I met my ex,
I was wearing sneaks, jeans,
246
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,042
a tit tank and a flannel.
247
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,832
[Abby crying]
248
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,206
I know, it was a better time.
249
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,210
[Abby continues crying]
250
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:19,052
Wait, are you okay?
251
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,091
[Abby] I'm sorry,
I thought my boyfriend, Benji,
252
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,715
was going to propose to me tonight
and he didn't.
253
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,433
-All right, come on, Abby.
-[knocking]
254
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,473
Open up.
We gotta hug this out.
255
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,017
[Abby sniffles and sighs]
256
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,556
[sniffles]
257
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:39,571
[chuckles] Are you kidding me?
258
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,952
What?
259
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,781
Sweetheart, look at you!
260
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:50,285
Don't take this the wrong way,
but your problems are nothing.
261
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,375
Yeah, wow!
262
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,800
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
263
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,341
I just mean...
264
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:04,679
that Benji is just a bump
265
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:08,641
in what is obviously going to be a very
smooth and luxurious road. [chuckles]
266
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,557
Whoever you marry, he'll be rich.
267
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,063
And you'll probably end up being
one of those Real Housewives ladies.
268
00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,105
And anyway,
this is like 20 years from now
269
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,518
because you're a child.
270
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,147
A tall, hot child!
271
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,490
Do you really think that I could be
one of the Real Housewives?
272
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,156
I know you can.
273
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,408
And now, I'm gonna say to you
274
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,285
what I wish my mother would have
said to me before my date.
275
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,213
Good luck.
276
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,790
Thanks!
277
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,585
Wait, I thought your family didn't know.
278
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:41,510
[sighs] Oh, I didn't tell you
what my mother said?
279
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,344
Red lipstick is for putas.
280
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:51,720
What?
281
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,518
I'm just saying...
282
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:58,306
you should wear red lipstick
for your encounter tonight.
283
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:03,447
-Damn it, Schneider.
-No, Schneider didn't say anything.
284
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:07,658
I know because you obviously
shaved your moustache.
285
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,407
Was it that bad?
286
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:13,253
Ay, niña, I felt like braiding it.
287
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,041
Anyway.
288
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:20,004
I'm just having dinner, okay?
And I'm not being a puta.
289
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,882
No, you're a married woman,
290
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:26,297
who is going out on a date with a man
who is not your husband.
291
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,434
What is the right word? Let me see...
292
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,561
[clicks tongue] Uh, sucia?
293
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,758
Tramp? No.
294
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,518
Ah, of course, [chuckles] hoochie.
295
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,483
I am separated.
296
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:40,273
And I'm not having this conversation.
297
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,606
And keep your voice down
because the kids can't know.
298
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,355
Hey, you shaved your 'stache!
299
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:48,949
What's going on? Do you have a date?
300
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,738
How is everybody
figuring this out so fast?
301
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,247
I didn't want you to worry,
so I didn't wanna tell you.
302
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,170
It's just dinner.
303
00:15:57,248 --> 00:16:00,038
Mom, I'm fine!
I mean, I thought it was cool
304
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,796
that you were blurring gender lines
with your upper lip...
305
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,550
but this is great!
306
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,553
Okay, mostly what I'm hearing
is I have to up my grooming game.
307
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,095
But you're... you're really okay?
308
00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,313
Of course.
309
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,563
I mean, it's well-documented
that women in their late 30s
310
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,896
are in their sexual prime.
311
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,441
-Ay, Elena. Please.
-[grunts]
312
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:27,025
You're too okay with it.
And don't tell Alex.
313
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,911
-I mean it.
-[scoffs] Please.
314
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,738
First of all, I'm not a gossip
315
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,873
and if I were,
it wouldn't be to my little brother
316
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,240
about my mom's love life.
317
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,906
[shushes]
318
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,587
Am I in trouble?
319
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,258
No.
320
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,016
We're... we're just thinking.
321
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,099
[Elena sighs] Mmm.
322
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,073
Well, when you're done thinking,
can I have $100?
323
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,228
[scoffs] What?
324
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,236
I don't know, I need money for tonight
325
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,148
because me and my friends
are going bowling.
326
00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:11,736
Or miniature golfing. Or to the arcade.
327
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,532
I don't know, just give me $100!
328
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,453
Uh, okay. [chuckles]
329
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,825
First of all, you need a plan.
Second of all, I need to approve the plan,
330
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,583
and third of all, 100 bucks?
331
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,625
[chuckles] That was funny.
332
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,671
No...
333
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,127
Stupid Finn keeps changing his mind.
334
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,545
First he invites Joaquin.
335
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:33,223
Then he has to invite Jade
because he invited Joaquin.
336
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,682
Then she wants to bring JuJu
and Casey and Maddie.
337
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,723
I don't know any of these people!
We need to talk more!
338
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,385
Don't talk to him.
339
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,858
-He cannot know about this date.
-Whoa!
340
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,728
Okay, okay! Dios mío.
341
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:49,651
-So weird. I was dying to tell him.
-[sighs]
342
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,196
I'm, like, buzzing.
Is this what gossip is?
343
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,534
[scoffs] Who am I?
344
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,868
[Lydia speaking Spanish]
345
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,159
Abuelita is talking
to ghost Abuelito again.
346
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:05,540
[Lydia continues speaking Spanish]
347
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,126
[laughing]
348
00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:08,922
I'm not talking to you.
349
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,929
So, does Papi think I'm a puta, too?
350
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,351
Ay, no seas ridícula,
351
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,559
your papi would never say
those things about you.
352
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:19,679
Only I think that.
353
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,772
Also, you're sitting on him.
354
00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,185
I'm doing this.
355
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,401
Come on, Mami,
it would be nice to have your support.
356
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,151
I suppose...
357
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:38,374
there is nothing wrong
with having dinner with a friend...
358
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,615
who is a man, so...
359
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,496
Thank you.
360
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,338
If you wanna have a second dinner,
wear the red lipstick.
361
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,132
I actually don't own one.
362
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,763
You can borrow mine.
363
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,813
So, I finally forced myself
out of the house
364
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,102
and overcame an expected,
365
00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,306
yet still surprisingly strong
anxiety attack.
366
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,857
Now I'm here. [chuckles]
367
00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,861
[chuckles] Your waiter
will be with you in a minute.
368
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,364
Thanks, Kristen.
369
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:15,855
We didn't get a chance to talk much,
but...
370
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,027
[snaps fingers] you seem cool.
371
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,865
[indistinct chatter]
372
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,755
Hi, I'm Tyler.
I'll be taking care of you tonight.
373
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,972
I know you're waiting for one more,
but can I start you off with an appetizer?
374
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:42,263
No, you can start me off with a drink.
[laughs]
375
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,808
Because, Tyler,
I went through hell to get here tonight.
376
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,515
Every aspect of this date has been
dissected by all the people in my life.
377
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:52,784
My mom, my daughter, my landlord,
some giant, hot baby in the bathroom.
378
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,453
Have you seen her, by the way?
Please tell me she's eating something.
379
00:19:57,654 --> 00:20:00,244
The point is,
everybody had an opinion about this.
380
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,617
Okay.
381
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,540
So, uh, do you know what you want?
382
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,211
[scoffs] Of course.
383
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,836
Why wouldn't you two be waiting for me?
384
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:18,304
I thought you had a thing with Carmen.
385
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:21,224
I came home early so we could all dish.
386
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,057
Cuéntanos de todo.
387
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,227
Did he have soulful eyes?
388
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,980
Were his teeth white,
but not too white?
389
00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:34,283
Now the teeth are too white.
What is that?
390
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,488
He was very nice. And I'm glad I did it.
391
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:42,160
But, uh, wasn't two hearts in the desert
like you and Papi.
392
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,241
Aw!
393
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,535
[blows raspberries]
394
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:50,042
Yeah, I'm not gonna see him again.
395
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:51,711
See who?
396
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,053
You didn't wanna give me the heads-up
that he was here?
397
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:55,958
Heads-up, Alex is here.
398
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,135
Wait, why are you wearing
Abuelita's lipstick?
399
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:03,388
-Ay.
-Why do you know that?
400
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,010
[imitates Lydia] It's Scarlet Sunrise.
401
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,137
[normal] Duh!
402
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,813
And why are you all dressed up?
403
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,855
[sighs] All right,
everybody, get out of here,
404
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,519
so I can talk to Alex.
405
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,278
Sit down, papito.
406
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,157
-What happened to your face?
-What happened to your face?
407
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,833
[stutters] I'm sorry.
I was hanging out with my friends.
408
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,044
It's hard to turn it off.
409
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:42,971
Anyway, stupid Finn pushed me
into a bush and I got scratched.
410
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:45,682
[scoffs] Why do you like that kid again?
Because he seems like a--
411
00:21:45,763 --> 00:21:46,723
Like a dick?
412
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:51,851
Yes, but that's not okay
that you said that.
413
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,861
Anyway, I wanna be straight with you.
414
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,105
Tonight I had a date.
415
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:02,855
Wait, just listen.
416
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,244
So, do you know what you want?
417
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:11,576
-Let me give you a second.
-Thank you.
418
00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:42,815
-You walked out?
-[shushes]
419
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,954
I don't want
those gossiping hens to hear.
420
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,065
But yes...
421
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,327
No one has asked me
what I wanted in a long time.
422
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,539
And I realized
what I wanted wasn't a date.
423
00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:57,134
[chuckles lightly]
Then what did you want?
424
00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,632
A crappy chick flick by myself.
425
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,803
And a fro-yo with three too many toppings.
The kind that I make you and Elena split.
426
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,303
-Aw, man!
-[chuckles]
427
00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,894
Anyway, I sent the guy a text apologizing,
428
00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:12,312
but I want Abuelita to think
that I went out with him,
429
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,181
so that next time
I don't get the third degree.
430
00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:15,688
Next time?
431
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:17,225
Yeah.
432
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:20,944
Because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be
a next time at some point.
433
00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:24,030
Are you okay with that?
434
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:28,122
Yeah, I mean, I figured you would.
435
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:32,371
After all, women in their late 30s
are in their sexual prime.
436
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,043
Oh, God! What?
437
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:37,577
Stop talking to your sister.
438
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,666
Tell her to stop talking to me!
439
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:44,472
[Penelope sighs]
440
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:47,889
Anyway, dating is super weird.
441
00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,969
I know! I know...
442
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,062
Why do you know?
443
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,560
My dumb friends have been trying
to get me and this girl, Anna, together.
444
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,848
Oh, I see. [chuckles]
445
00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:01,725
So, what happened tonight
was Finn made a plan.
446
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:04,855
Then everybody bailed on purpose,
so Anna and I could be alone.
447
00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:06,531
Okay.
448
00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,529
I mean, I like Anna,
but I don't really want a girlfriend.
449
00:24:09,615 --> 00:24:12,365
It was like everyone had
something to say about it, but me.
450
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,791
[chuckles] That's exactly how I felt.
451
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,666
And you're right,
dating is super weird, until it's not.
452
00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:26,718
Something else you wanna talk to me about?
453
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:30,716
Well, I kinda lied to you.
454
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:32,848
Oh, God, what is it?
455
00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:35,309
Did you steal something?
Did you damage something?
456
00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:36,561
Did you pee on something
'cause you were mad
457
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:38,982
and then later you were, like,
"I shouldn't have done that"?
458
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,688
No! Who does that?
459
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,687
These are just general examples.
460
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,701
[sighs] What did you do?
461
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,701
This isn't because Finn pushed me
into a bush.
462
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:53,775
I tried to shave.
463
00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:56,254
Really?
464
00:24:57,621 --> 00:25:00,711
Oh, my God.
[chuckles] It's all happening.
465
00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,081
[Alex chuckles]
466
00:25:02,168 --> 00:25:06,918
So... you don't want a girlfriend,
but you did wanna look nice.
467
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:09,125
I guess.
468
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:12,183
I used one of your razors
and cut myself.
469
00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:15,394
I have no idea what I'm doing.
470
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,139
I think I know someone
who can help you out. [chuckles]
471
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,481
I am a Latina,
you are a 12-year-old boy,
472
00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:28,737
so we have
the same amount of facial fuzz.
473
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:29,899
Okay.
474
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:32,531
Watch and learn.
475
00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:34,869
You wanna go...
476
00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:38,369
with... the hair.
477
00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:41,292
Uh-huh.
478
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,883
Now that I'm shaving,
it's gonna grow back thick, right?
479
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,589
No, that's a myth.
480
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:47,129
Aw, man!
481
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:02,018
Hola, mi vida.
482
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:06,773
Berto, you look guapísimo in that suit.
483
00:26:06,857 --> 00:26:09,067
Which is why you buried me in it.
484
00:26:09,151 --> 00:26:10,361
[chuckles]
485
00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:14,525
So, Lupe did not go on that date.
486
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:16,365
-¿Qué?
-Mmm-hmm.
487
00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,410
-You told me she was going.
-Oh, she lied.
488
00:26:18,494 --> 00:26:20,294
Mentirosa. She said she went,
489
00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:23,460
but when she got home,
she wasn't super happy,
490
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:24,880
she wasn't super sad.
491
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,748
And I know our Lupe.
492
00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:29,876
There was no date.
493
00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,173
What are we going to do
about our niña?
494
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:35,087
Dichoso tú, you don't have to do anything.
495
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:38,097
Lo siento, mi amor.
496
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,770
Yeah, you don't look that sorry.
497
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:41,308
[moans] ¿Qué puedo hacer?
498
00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:44,772
[laughs] Bertito...
499
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:48,273
they broke the mold when they made you.
500
00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:50,187
Now you're just being nice.
501
00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:53,783
-I'm not that nice.
-[Berto chuckles]
502
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:56,195
That's why I married you.
503
00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:58,202
[man singing in Spanish]
504
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:21,427
Little aloe vera on your upper lip
and you're good to go.
505
00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,515
I can't wait
until I have more hair than you.
506
00:27:24,101 --> 00:27:25,061
Me neither!
507
00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,557
[Lydia laughs]
508
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,146
-[Lydia speaking Spanish]
-[Latin music playing]
509
00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:31,532
What's Abuelita doing?
510
00:27:32,109 --> 00:27:33,149
She's on a date.
511
00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:46,791
[mouthing song in Spanish]
512
00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:59,433
[mouthing song in Spanish]
38644
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