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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:09,635 Uh... 2 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,558 This is my third coat, Jerry. What do we think? 3 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,219 Over the top, or just Cuban? 4 00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:19,523 Lady, you look great. 5 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,443 [squeals] You better stop flirting with me, Jerry. [laughs] 6 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,112 People don't hook up with their Uber driver, 7 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,531 unless they want to be part of a very unfortunate story in the news. 8 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,741 But you're not gonna murder me and throw me in the trunk, right, Jer? 9 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:32,323 Well, not now. 10 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,660 [laughing] I needed that joke. 11 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,912 I'm a little hyped up, if you can't tell. [chuckles] 12 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,207 [stammers] Take it easy. It's just a first date. 13 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,921 Just have fun. No pressure. 14 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,711 [exclaims] No pressure, Jerry? 15 00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:50,433 Mira, a first date is two hearts parched in the desert, 16 00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:53,848 quenching forever their thirst for amor. 17 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,508 Wait, what? 18 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:58,602 Hold on. 19 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:01,936 [sighs] 20 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,820 -[cell phone rings] -Dígame. 21 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,608 Mami, the story of when you and Papi first met. 22 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,403 Cuba, 1958. 23 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:11,907 You might wanna circle the block, Jerry. 24 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,949 It was a hot, steamy night, 25 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,913 and I had borrowed my sister Maruchi's red dress. 26 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,285 And I had snuck into the Havana Club. 27 00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:23,672 And the passion fell like rain drops. 28 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,960 And I was about to enter the heart... 29 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,300 of the hurricane. 30 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,259 And I'm circling the block. 31 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,680 [in Spanish] I am Berto. 32 00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:41,061 I was Lydia. Now... 33 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,483 I am yours. 34 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,810 [Latin music playing] 35 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,239 You are the most beautiful woman in the world. 36 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,160 How could you know? You've never left Cuba. 37 00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:03,829 And now... I never will. 38 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,680 What is it like to be so loved? 39 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,732 You tell me. 40 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,815 [in English] I don't speak Spanish, 41 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,735 but I know your date's not gonna be that good. 42 00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,124 [grunts] 43 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,950 I know, Jerry! 44 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:41,912 Thanks, Mami. 45 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,995 Claro, but I have to go. Schneider's a wreck. 46 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,629 [sniffles] Tell it again. 47 00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,052 [theme song playing] 48 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:44,221 Then my mom says, "Niña, your papi and I have a love that goes beyond death." 49 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,057 You know, she still talks to him out loud. 50 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,310 He's dead, Jerry. 51 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,359 I'm kinda jealous of him. 52 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:55,938 [chuckles] Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry. 53 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:59,158 Okay, I'm out. You have a good night. 54 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,829 -And I'mma give you five stars. -Thank you. 55 00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,445 But I should give myself five stars for making it out of the house tonight. 56 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,288 I can't tell you what it took just to get to this moment. 57 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,884 But you're gonna, huh? 58 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,165 Yesterday, I was in my office... I'm a nurse. 59 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,094 I used to be in the Army, but I don't wanna get off track. 60 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,383 I'll tell you about that later. 61 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:19,755 Anyway, they start all this stuff about me being... 62 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:24,181 So, what's everybody got going on tonight? Any fun plans? 63 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,934 [chomping] I was thinking of walking the aisles at Target 64 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,387 to see if I can make any new friends. [chuckles] 65 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,650 You wanna make new friends, 66 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:36,941 you ought to come to the bowling alley, and watch me crush some pins. 67 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,987 [laughs] That's a good... Oh, you're serious? 68 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,284 Well, what about you, Penelope? 69 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,536 Oh, you know, Mama got a big pile of bills with her name on it. 70 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:48,828 -[chuckles] -No, literally my name is on every bill. 71 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,214 Anyway, I'm just, you know, flying solo. 72 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,247 Penelope... 73 00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:57,843 you are so brave. 74 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,836 What's happening? 75 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:05,759 I mean, casting your man aside and striking out on your own. 76 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,427 At your age, I would literally kill myself. 77 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,347 Hmm... 78 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,805 I get why you'd wanna kill you. 79 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:19,189 It's not so bad out there for older singles like Penelope and me. 80 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:22,157 Ugh! I felt that one in the gut. 81 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,616 -[sighs] -For starters, there are so many 82 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,450 microwave meals now, and I dig 'em. 83 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:34,921 Sometimes when I wanna splurge, I get the Betty Crocker omelet for two, 84 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,922 for one. [laughs] 85 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,260 [sighs] 86 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,013 Doc, you're forgetting about the best part about being single. 87 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,893 Dating apps. Oh, they're great. There's guys like me out there. 88 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,272 Oh, I didn't know there was an app called "Disappointment." [laughs] 89 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,814 You gotta start dating again, Penelope. 90 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:59,279 Right now, while there's still barely time. 91 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,319 -I'm 38. -I know. 92 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,573 Okay, okay! 93 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,620 Everybody, I really appreciate all the advice but... 94 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,905 I'm good. I don't need a date. 95 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:13,124 I was married to Victor for 17 years, and I'm loving not having a dude around. 96 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,786 -[knocking on door] -Excuse me. 97 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,956 I guess there are some things I miss. 98 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,590 I have a package for Penelope Alvarez. 99 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,264 [Lori and Scott chuckle] 100 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,758 What? Why... why is everybody laughing? 101 00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,217 That's me. 102 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:31,853 [softly] Sign here. 103 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,104 Okay. 104 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,438 -Penelope. -That's my name. 105 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,862 I'll remember now. 106 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:40,361 Thank you. 107 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,319 Oh, my God! You saw that? 108 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,445 -You saw that! [laughs] -[Lori squeals] 109 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,531 [laughs] I still got it! 110 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,076 [sing-song] I still got it. [normal] Yes! 111 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,161 And there are hot men out there with big packages 112 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,246 and you know whose name is on those big packages? 113 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,752 Mine. [laughing] 114 00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,501 So, yeah, I still got it, Michelle, but for how long? 115 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,418 Because let's face it, Lori's right, 116 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,546 when it comes to dating, 38 is basically... 117 00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,934 sixty in lady years. 118 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,138 I'm the Dr. Berkowitz of women. 119 00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,726 I don't know what that means, but it sounds sad. 120 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,068 Dr. Berkowitz is my boss, remember, Michelle? 121 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,729 I'm about to have my first date in 20 years, 122 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,647 and right now you're my therapist, so I need you to keep up. 123 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,487 -Can I get a beer? -No, she's busy. 124 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,445 Let me explain what you're looking at. 125 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,238 I'm a snowman. 126 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,167 I don't wanna be racist, but does that mean... 127 00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:42,713 coke dealer? 128 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,339 Snowman means, right now, I look good, 129 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:52,216 because it's still winter and everything is where it's supposed to be, 130 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,175 but spring is a comin', girl. 131 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:56,096 And all of this... 132 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,652 is about to melt. 133 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,519 That's silly. You look amazing! 134 00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:03,226 Right now, but not for long. 135 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,646 I mean, I have one slight advantage, 'cause I got the Latina patina. 136 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,198 Because there's something about our skin, you know. 137 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,280 A white girl like yourself's gotta start worrying around 30. 138 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,035 -How old are you? -Thirty-three. 139 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,288 I'm sorry, honey. 140 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:18,955 But this is why I have to force myself out there to meet Adam Bennett. 141 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,133 -Gimme your vibe. -Oh, hello. 142 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,921 [laughs] He's cute, right? 143 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,165 Yeah, yeah. 144 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,427 Maybe he's too cute. Maybe he won't think I'm cute. 145 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,139 Maybe I'm not even a snowman anymore. Maybe I've melted. Michelle! 146 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,095 Am I just a puddle, a carrot, and a magic hat? 147 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,307 -Oh, no, I can't. -It's not for you. 148 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:45,065 I don't know why I'm so freaked out! [chuckles] 149 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,980 I was fine yesterday. 150 00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,449 How the hell do I do this? 151 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,198 Do I like? Do I swipe? Do I put someone in my cart? 152 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,332 It's like watching a baby bird learn to fly. 153 00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,539 [scoffs] Everybody I know is either married 154 00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,289 or I'm too embarrassed to ask them. 155 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,581 So, you were my only option. 156 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,172 I hear ya. 157 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,959 And I'm honored. [chuckles] 158 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:07,003 -Help. -All right, all right. [sighs] 159 00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,469 Are you sure you wanna do the online thing? 160 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,549 For you, I'd recommend a more old-fashioned approach. 161 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,255 Go to a coffee shop, 162 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,636 make eye contact with an appealing stranger, 163 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,813 then, follow them home. 164 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,403 -Follow them home? -Yeah. Or to their car. 165 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,730 You could try a bathroom stall, but that's a little sketch. 166 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:29,066 I mean, listen, you do you, but you're a mother now. 167 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,741 I'm not looking to have sex with someone. 168 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,161 [chuckles] Yeah, let's not put that in your profile. 169 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,660 I get it, you mean a real date. 170 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,664 Yes, it's been 20 years. 171 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,076 You know, back then, online dating meant 172 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:45,835 hooking up while waiting in line to buy Boyz II Men tickets. 173 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,804 I helped turn a couple of boys to men. [chuckles] 174 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,391 Okay. 175 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:55,719 -[chuckles] -Okay. 176 00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:58,523 Ooh, ooh, use this picture for my profile. I look cute there. 177 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,178 So do your kids. No one wants to see your kids. 178 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:06,475 That's, like, a second date revealer. If you're good, a never reveal. 179 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,151 Right, right, lie about everything. This is good. 180 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,244 Do you have some paper so I could write this down? 181 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,159 I'm just gonna do a little Photoshop, 182 00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:16,948 replace the kids with a bicycle, so he thinks you exercise. 183 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,453 And... we're live. 184 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,537 Okay, what about this guy? He went to Brown. 185 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,252 Yeah, but he's posing with a tiger. 186 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:27,082 Yeah, but he's holding nunchucks, so he's awesome! 187 00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,050 But not for you. Okay. [clears throat] 188 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,471 You might also want to avoid guys who post their abs, but not their face. 189 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,511 And anyone who says they're an entrepreneur. 190 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,684 What does your profile say? 191 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,352 I am an entrepreneur. 192 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:42,102 [sighs] 193 00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:44,564 Okay, what about this guy? He's a cop. 194 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,113 Okay, a guy in uniform. I'm not uninterested. 195 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,066 He has nice eyes. 196 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,237 "Adam Bennett." 197 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,487 And you have a date tonight. 198 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,162 -No, wait, what? That was too fast. -No, you're too slow. 199 00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,531 He's probably already forgotten about your date 200 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,907 and moved on to someone whose bicycle isn't wearing sneakers. 201 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,370 I'm really bad at Photoshop. 202 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,207 Come on, Pen, you doing this or not? 203 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,710 Okay, you know what? 204 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,634 I realized I... 205 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,677 I didn't think this through at all. I... 206 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,891 I mean, my mom still thinks I'm married, 207 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,221 so, you know, she's gonna lose her mind and... 208 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,596 Elena might be okay, 209 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,274 but Alex, he's still so young and this could definitely mess with him. 210 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,150 I don't think I should do it. 211 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,451 If my family finds out, it'll be a disaster. 212 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,696 Maybe just don't tell 'em? 213 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:39,951 Genius! Let's do this thing! 214 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:44,079 Set it up for tomorrow, 7:30. Both kids are busy. 215 00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:45,621 -And, Schneider? -Yeah? 216 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,745 -Schneider. Hey! -Yeah. 217 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,421 -All right. -Look at me in the eye here. 218 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:49,459 Okay? 219 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:53,840 My mom, Elena, Alex... 220 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,166 Nobody can know. 221 00:11:56,674 --> 00:12:00,184 Hey, don't worry, I'll be way too busy to tell them. 222 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,098 Just texted nunchucks guy and I think we're gonna hang. 223 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,516 [Penelope] So then I was like, "Let's do this thing!" [chuckles] 224 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,812 I went to Sephora, and bought a tube of mascara, 225 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,356 so I could get a free makeover. 226 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,069 Hey, did you know that mascara's, like, 14 bucks now? 227 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,650 [Abby] Mine was 36. 228 00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,565 [Penelope] Shut your face, my new best friend, Abby! 229 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,736 [Abby] Hey, can I get that toilet paper I asked for five minutes ago? 230 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,195 [Penelope chuckling] Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. 231 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:28,924 [sighs] 232 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:32,667 Found a jumpsuit for 40 bucks that shows off the... 233 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,632 [sing-song] girls! 234 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,762 [normal] Talking about my boobs, Abby! 235 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,594 -[toilet flushing] -Anyway... 236 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,640 curled, sprayed, plucked. 237 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:47,312 Abby, I am hairless. 238 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,942 And I am here. 239 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:50,938 Oh, man. 240 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,108 I even shaved my lady 'stache. 241 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,230 -[Abby] Wait, you can do that? -Yes. 242 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:59,448 It doesn't grow back thicker. That's a myth started by Big Wax. 243 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,325 [exhales sharply] Oh, look at me. 244 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,988 [inhales deeply] Uh... 245 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,082 when I met my ex, I was wearing sneaks, jeans, 246 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,042 a tit tank and a flannel. 247 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,832 [Abby crying] 248 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,206 I know, it was a better time. 249 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,210 [Abby continues crying] 250 00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:19,052 Wait, are you okay? 251 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,091 [Abby] I'm sorry, I thought my boyfriend, Benji, 252 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,715 was going to propose to me tonight and he didn't. 253 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,433 -All right, come on, Abby. -[knocking] 254 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,473 Open up. We gotta hug this out. 255 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,017 [Abby sniffles and sighs] 256 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,556 [sniffles] 257 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:39,571 [chuckles] Are you kidding me? 258 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,952 What? 259 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,781 Sweetheart, look at you! 260 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:50,285 Don't take this the wrong way, but your problems are nothing. 261 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,375 Yeah, wow! 262 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,800 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 263 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,341 I just mean... 264 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:04,679 that Benji is just a bump 265 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:08,641 in what is obviously going to be a very smooth and luxurious road. [chuckles] 266 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,557 Whoever you marry, he'll be rich. 267 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,063 And you'll probably end up being one of those Real Housewives ladies. 268 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,105 And anyway, this is like 20 years from now 269 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,518 because you're a child. 270 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,147 A tall, hot child! 271 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,490 Do you really think that I could be one of the Real Housewives? 272 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,156 I know you can. 273 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,408 And now, I'm gonna say to you 274 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,285 what I wish my mother would have said to me before my date. 275 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,213 Good luck. 276 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,790 Thanks! 277 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,585 Wait, I thought your family didn't know. 278 00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:41,510 [sighs] Oh, I didn't tell you what my mother said? 279 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,344 Red lipstick is for putas. 280 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:51,720 What? 281 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,518 I'm just saying... 282 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:58,306 you should wear red lipstick for your encounter tonight. 283 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:03,447 -Damn it, Schneider. -No, Schneider didn't say anything. 284 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:07,658 I know because you obviously shaved your moustache. 285 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,407 Was it that bad? 286 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:13,253 Ay, niña, I felt like braiding it. 287 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,041 Anyway. 288 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:20,004 I'm just having dinner, okay? And I'm not being a puta. 289 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,882 No, you're a married woman, 290 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:26,297 who is going out on a date with a man who is not your husband. 291 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,434 What is the right word? Let me see... 292 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,561 [clicks tongue] Uh, sucia? 293 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,758 Tramp? No. 294 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,518 Ah, of course, [chuckles] hoochie. 295 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,483 I am separated. 296 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:40,273 And I'm not having this conversation. 297 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,606 And keep your voice down because the kids can't know. 298 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,355 Hey, you shaved your 'stache! 299 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:48,949 What's going on? Do you have a date? 300 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,738 How is everybody figuring this out so fast? 301 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,247 I didn't want you to worry, so I didn't wanna tell you. 302 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,170 It's just dinner. 303 00:15:57,248 --> 00:16:00,038 Mom, I'm fine! I mean, I thought it was cool 304 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,796 that you were blurring gender lines with your upper lip... 305 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,550 but this is great! 306 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:11,553 Okay, mostly what I'm hearing is I have to up my grooming game. 307 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,095 But you're... you're really okay? 308 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,313 Of course. 309 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,563 I mean, it's well-documented that women in their late 30s 310 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,896 are in their sexual prime. 311 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,441 -Ay, Elena. Please. -[grunts] 312 00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:27,025 You're too okay with it. And don't tell Alex. 313 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,911 -I mean it. -[scoffs] Please. 314 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,738 First of all, I'm not a gossip 315 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,873 and if I were, it wouldn't be to my little brother 316 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,240 about my mom's love life. 317 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,906 [shushes] 318 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:50,587 Am I in trouble? 319 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,258 No. 320 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,016 We're... we're just thinking. 321 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,099 [Elena sighs] Mmm. 322 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,073 Well, when you're done thinking, can I have $100? 323 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,228 [scoffs] What? 324 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,236 I don't know, I need money for tonight 325 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,148 because me and my friends are going bowling. 326 00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:11,736 Or miniature golfing. Or to the arcade. 327 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,532 I don't know, just give me $100! 328 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,453 Uh, okay. [chuckles] 329 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,825 First of all, you need a plan. Second of all, I need to approve the plan, 330 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,583 and third of all, 100 bucks? 331 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,625 [chuckles] That was funny. 332 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,671 No... 333 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,127 Stupid Finn keeps changing his mind. 334 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,545 First he invites Joaquin. 335 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:33,223 Then he has to invite Jade because he invited Joaquin. 336 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,682 Then she wants to bring JuJu and Casey and Maddie. 337 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,723 I don't know any of these people! We need to talk more! 338 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,385 Don't talk to him. 339 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,858 -He cannot know about this date. -Whoa! 340 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,728 Okay, okay! Dios mío. 341 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:49,651 -So weird. I was dying to tell him. -[sighs] 342 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,196 I'm, like, buzzing. Is this what gossip is? 343 00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:54,534 [scoffs] Who am I? 344 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,868 [Lydia speaking Spanish] 345 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,159 Abuelita is talking to ghost Abuelito again. 346 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:05,540 [Lydia continues speaking Spanish] 347 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,126 [laughing] 348 00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:08,922 I'm not talking to you. 349 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,929 So, does Papi think I'm a puta, too? 350 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,351 Ay, no seas ridícula, 351 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,559 your papi would never say those things about you. 352 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:19,679 Only I think that. 353 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,772 Also, you're sitting on him. 354 00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:25,185 I'm doing this. 355 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,401 Come on, Mami, it would be nice to have your support. 356 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,151 I suppose... 357 00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:38,374 there is nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend... 358 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,615 who is a man, so... 359 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,496 Thank you. 360 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,338 If you wanna have a second dinner, wear the red lipstick. 361 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,132 I actually don't own one. 362 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:57,763 You can borrow mine. 363 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,813 So, I finally forced myself out of the house 364 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,102 and overcame an expected, 365 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,306 yet still surprisingly strong anxiety attack. 366 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,857 Now I'm here. [chuckles] 367 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,861 [chuckles] Your waiter will be with you in a minute. 368 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,364 Thanks, Kristen. 369 00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:15,855 We didn't get a chance to talk much, but... 370 00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:17,027 [snaps fingers] you seem cool. 371 00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,865 [indistinct chatter] 372 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,755 Hi, I'm Tyler. I'll be taking care of you tonight. 373 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,972 I know you're waiting for one more, but can I start you off with an appetizer? 374 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:42,263 No, you can start me off with a drink. [laughs] 375 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,808 Because, Tyler, I went through hell to get here tonight. 376 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,515 Every aspect of this date has been dissected by all the people in my life. 377 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:52,784 My mom, my daughter, my landlord, some giant, hot baby in the bathroom. 378 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,453 Have you seen her, by the way? Please tell me she's eating something. 379 00:19:57,654 --> 00:20:00,244 The point is, everybody had an opinion about this. 380 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,617 Okay. 381 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,540 So, uh, do you know what you want? 382 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,211 [scoffs] Of course. 383 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,836 Why wouldn't you two be waiting for me? 384 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:18,304 I thought you had a thing with Carmen. 385 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:21,224 I came home early so we could all dish. 386 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,057 Cuéntanos de todo. 387 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,227 Did he have soulful eyes? 388 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,980 Were his teeth white, but not too white? 389 00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:34,283 Now the teeth are too white. What is that? 390 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,488 He was very nice. And I'm glad I did it. 391 00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:42,160 But, uh, wasn't two hearts in the desert like you and Papi. 392 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,241 Aw! 393 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,535 [blows raspberries] 394 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:50,042 Yeah, I'm not gonna see him again. 395 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:51,711 See who? 396 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,053 You didn't wanna give me the heads-up that he was here? 397 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:55,958 Heads-up, Alex is here. 398 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,135 Wait, why are you wearing Abuelita's lipstick? 399 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:03,388 -Ay. -Why do you know that? 400 00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,010 [imitates Lydia] It's Scarlet Sunrise. 401 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,137 [normal] Duh! 402 00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,813 And why are you all dressed up? 403 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,855 [sighs] All right, everybody, get out of here, 404 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,519 so I can talk to Alex. 405 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,278 Sit down, papito. 406 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,157 -What happened to your face? -What happened to your face? 407 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,833 [stutters] I'm sorry. I was hanging out with my friends. 408 00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,044 It's hard to turn it off. 409 00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:42,971 Anyway, stupid Finn pushed me into a bush and I got scratched. 410 00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:45,682 [scoffs] Why do you like that kid again? Because he seems like a-- 411 00:21:45,763 --> 00:21:46,723 Like a dick? 412 00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:51,851 Yes, but that's not okay that you said that. 413 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,861 Anyway, I wanna be straight with you. 414 00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,105 Tonight I had a date. 415 00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:02,855 Wait, just listen. 416 00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,244 So, do you know what you want? 417 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:11,576 -Let me give you a second. -Thank you. 418 00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:42,815 -You walked out? -[shushes] 419 00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,954 I don't want those gossiping hens to hear. 420 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,065 But yes... 421 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:51,327 No one has asked me what I wanted in a long time. 422 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,539 And I realized what I wanted wasn't a date. 423 00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:57,134 [chuckles lightly] Then what did you want? 424 00:22:58,252 --> 00:23:00,632 A crappy chick flick by myself. 425 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,803 And a fro-yo with three too many toppings. The kind that I make you and Elena split. 426 00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,303 -Aw, man! -[chuckles] 427 00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,894 Anyway, I sent the guy a text apologizing, 428 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:12,312 but I want Abuelita to think that I went out with him, 429 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,181 so that next time I don't get the third degree. 430 00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:15,688 Next time? 431 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:17,225 Yeah. 432 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:20,944 Because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time at some point. 433 00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:24,030 Are you okay with that? 434 00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:28,122 Yeah, I mean, I figured you would. 435 00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:32,371 After all, women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime. 436 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,043 Oh, God! What? 437 00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:37,577 Stop talking to your sister. 438 00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,666 Tell her to stop talking to me! 439 00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:44,472 [Penelope sighs] 440 00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:47,889 Anyway, dating is super weird. 441 00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,969 I know! I know... 442 00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,062 Why do you know? 443 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,560 My dumb friends have been trying to get me and this girl, Anna, together. 444 00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:58,848 Oh, I see. [chuckles] 445 00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:01,725 So, what happened tonight was Finn made a plan. 446 00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:04,855 Then everybody bailed on purpose, so Anna and I could be alone. 447 00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:06,531 Okay. 448 00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,529 I mean, I like Anna, but I don't really want a girlfriend. 449 00:24:09,615 --> 00:24:12,365 It was like everyone had something to say about it, but me. 450 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,791 [chuckles] That's exactly how I felt. 451 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,666 And you're right, dating is super weird, until it's not. 452 00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:26,718 Something else you wanna talk to me about? 453 00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:30,716 Well, I kinda lied to you. 454 00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:32,848 Oh, God, what is it? 455 00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:35,309 Did you steal something? Did you damage something? 456 00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:36,561 Did you pee on something 'cause you were mad 457 00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:38,982 and then later you were, like, "I shouldn't have done that"? 458 00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,688 No! Who does that? 459 00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:45,687 These are just general examples. 460 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,701 [sighs] What did you do? 461 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,701 This isn't because Finn pushed me into a bush. 462 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:53,775 I tried to shave. 463 00:24:55,244 --> 00:24:56,254 Really? 464 00:24:57,621 --> 00:25:00,711 Oh, my God. [chuckles] It's all happening. 465 00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,081 [Alex chuckles] 466 00:25:02,168 --> 00:25:06,918 So... you don't want a girlfriend, but you did wanna look nice. 467 00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:09,125 I guess. 468 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:12,183 I used one of your razors and cut myself. 469 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:15,394 I have no idea what I'm doing. 470 00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:19,139 I think I know someone who can help you out. [chuckles] 471 00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:26,481 I am a Latina, you are a 12-year-old boy, 472 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:28,737 so we have the same amount of facial fuzz. 473 00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:29,899 Okay. 474 00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:32,531 Watch and learn. 475 00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:34,869 You wanna go... 476 00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:38,369 with... the hair. 477 00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:41,292 Uh-huh. 478 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,883 Now that I'm shaving, it's gonna grow back thick, right? 479 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,589 No, that's a myth. 480 00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:47,129 Aw, man! 481 00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:02,018 Hola, mi vida. 482 00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:06,773 Berto, you look guapísimo in that suit. 483 00:26:06,857 --> 00:26:09,067 Which is why you buried me in it. 484 00:26:09,151 --> 00:26:10,361 [chuckles] 485 00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:14,525 So, Lupe did not go on that date. 486 00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:16,365 -¿Qué? -Mmm-hmm. 487 00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,410 -You told me she was going. -Oh, she lied. 488 00:26:18,494 --> 00:26:20,294 Mentirosa. She said she went, 489 00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:23,460 but when she got home, she wasn't super happy, 490 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:24,880 she wasn't super sad. 491 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:26,748 And I know our Lupe. 492 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:29,876 There was no date. 493 00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:32,173 What are we going to do about our niña? 494 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:35,087 Dichoso tú, you don't have to do anything. 495 00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:38,097 Lo siento, mi amor. 496 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,770 Yeah, you don't look that sorry. 497 00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:41,308 [moans] ¿Qué puedo hacer? 498 00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:44,772 [laughs] Bertito... 499 00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:48,273 they broke the mold when they made you. 500 00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:50,187 Now you're just being nice. 501 00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:53,783 -I'm not that nice. -[Berto chuckles] 502 00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:56,195 That's why I married you. 503 00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:58,202 [man singing in Spanish] 504 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:21,427 Little aloe vera on your upper lip and you're good to go. 505 00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,515 I can't wait until I have more hair than you. 506 00:27:24,101 --> 00:27:25,061 Me neither! 507 00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,557 [Lydia laughs] 508 00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,146 -[Lydia speaking Spanish] -[Latin music playing] 509 00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:31,532 What's Abuelita doing? 510 00:27:32,109 --> 00:27:33,149 She's on a date. 511 00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:46,791 [mouthing song in Spanish] 512 00:27:56,883 --> 00:27:59,433 [mouthing song in Spanish] 38644

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