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1
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:09,680
Welcome to Intimate Inmate,
matching you sexy soon-to-be parolees
2
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:13,120
with the most desperate,
impressionable bachelors in town.
3
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,760
Hi. I'm Jim. I'm in the market for someone
to have intercourse with.
4
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,320
I don't ever have intercourse because most
women are repulsed by the fact that I...
5
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,280
Doris!
6
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:34,960
What'd I tell you about watching dating
profiles on my TV/VCR combo unit?!
7
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,040
Oh. Sorry, Serenity.
8
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,760
I'm getting out next week, so decided
to start weighing my options.
9
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:46,560
Hi. I'm Bob. I'm looking for a chick that
I can have financial superiority over.
10
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,400
Are you listening!? Turn this off
and put something on I enjoy!
11
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:55,400
Hi! I'm Darby. I'm a former criminal
lawyer. And I love a good scallop.
12
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,960
Due to a dark cloud of existential
loneliness that worsens
13
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,760
with every birthday, I've decided
to give this dating thing a shot.
14
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,520
You've pushed me too far,
you selfish jerk!
15
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,680
So, what do ya say?
16
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,000
{\i1}Are you the tide to push my lifeboat
off this endless ocean of sadness?{\i0}
17
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,280
{\an8}Why so serious?!
18
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,640
{\an8}What the hell, dude?!
Did you break into my car?!
19
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,480
{\an8}No! I lifted a key out of your house last
night and made a copy
20
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,240
{\an8}while you were sleeping.
Don't be so paranoid!
21
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,280
{\an8}Why would you do that?!
22
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,040
{\an8}'Cause last week we missed Boy Time
23
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,200
{\an8}trying to rendezvous in this labyrinth
of a parking lot.
24
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,160
Now I can duck out early and wait in your
car with the windows rolled up and no A/C!
25
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,400
You know, like dogs do.
26
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:19,040
Actually, Theo, I think I'm gonna have
to miss Boy Time again this week.
27
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,240
Yeah, yeah, totally.
I totally understand.
28
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,360
Really?! Oh, thank God!
I was so scared to tell you!
29
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,520
I know how much Boy Time
means to... to us.
30
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,440
Come on, dude. What do I look like?
Some needy girlfriend?
31
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,520
No. No, you do not.
32
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:37,040
"But, Darby, I haven't seen you all day!
What about our romantic evening together?"
33
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,000
Hey, I need my space, lady!
34
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,000
"But, Darby, we were supposed to fart in
jars and make each other smell them
35
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,720
before we make love and watch
'Toy Story 3,' remember?"
36
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,920
That's a weird take on
what couples do together.
37
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:51,160
No, but what's the special occasion
that you can't make it to Boy Time, bro?
38
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,920
- I'm going on a date!
- You son of a bitch!
39
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,920
What's gotten into you, fool?!
40
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,760
Me?! You're the one breaking Boy Time
code! No romantic relationships! Ever!
41
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,920
You have a family to go home to every
night. Me, I got no one, man.
42
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,320
Cool. Do you know where the nearest
grocery store with automatic doors is?
43
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,280
'Cause if they don't open due to the
motion sensors not picking me up,
44
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,560
it'll just confirm that
I'm fucking invisible!
45
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,320
Come on! Theo!
Don't be like that!
46
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:18,920
Bye! Bye, dude. See ya later. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Bye, dude. See ya.
47
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:25,920
Bye-Bye. Bye. Bye, dude. Bye,
Darb. Goodbye. Peace out.
48
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:31,120
Okay! Well, I'll be out on a date
with the future Mrs. Blarchardt, so...
49
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,240
Hey!
50
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,560
Hey! The day we matched, I got
so excited I bought these for you!
51
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,920
Are these your favorite color?
Yellow?
52
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,280
Tell me everything there
is to know about you!
53
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,360
Do you... remember me?
54
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,160
You mean the lady from the most riveting
Intimate Inmate profile
55
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:20,360
I ever laid eyes on?
Doesn't ring a bell. Anyways...
56
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,960
Can't believe you were horny
enough to show your...
57
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,440
...surprisingly still chiseled
face around here.
58
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,560
Horny doesn't even begin to describe
how wet I am for tonight.
59
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,960
Come on! I'll take
you to our house. Hop in.
60
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,280
Hey, maybe we can re-paint it together.
61
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,880
Look at us.
Already planning couple activities.
62
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,920
Ya see, the trap is forgetting
our disease can do gymnastics
63
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,920
around our old
broken-down asses.
64
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:56,360
Convince us that we got the upper hand
and then kill us
65
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,720
the second we turn our backs.
66
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,160
Well, guess what.
Today I wanna be alive!
67
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,000
- Speak it.
- One day at a time.
68
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,520
Great share, Brad. Theo,
ain't heard from you in a while.
69
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,560
Anything new going on
in TheoTown?
70
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,480
Where do I begin?
I got this so-called "pal"
71
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,800
who's decided he wants to betray our code
of honor and get a "girlfriend" now.
72
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,160
And I'm not gonna lie... it hurts.
And I'm gettin' the itch again.
73
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,440
I mean, on my way here,
I was just fantasizing
74
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,520
about that studded belt
sitting in my dresser,
75
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,840
that beautiful sturdy knob
on my bedroom door.
76
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,920
Tossing all caution aside and going
Valhalla on my rock-hard wiener
77
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:29,960
as I forget all the ills of existing.
78
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,600
- But we shouldn't. We could die.
- There you go. You said it.
79
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,080
- Not jacking tonight.
- Amen. Not my dick.
80
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,360
- Stay strong.
- Not tonight.
81
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,400
Every night counts.
82
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:50,520
Okay! You ready?
Got you your own La-Z-Boy.
83
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,760
Now we can watch my shows
as a couple! Do you love it?
84
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,320
What's that room?
85
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,320
That's my studio.
86
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:05,160
I actually got some... work I need
to finish up in there tonight.
87
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,320
Hope you don't mind.
88
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,560
Because you absolutely cannot
enter when that red light is on!
89
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:14,200
Under no circumstances. Understand?
You think you can handle dinner tonight?
90
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,520
Got your boning knives, your steak knives,
electric carver.
91
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,720
But if you're still having trouble slicing
this baby up, use this cleaver.
92
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:31,160
This baby'll cut through anything.
Now get to butcherin'.
93
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,160
And don't worry.
94
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,200
I got the e studio sound-proofed
so you'll get no distractions from me.
95
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,200
I could let out a blood-curdling scream
in there, you wouldn't hear a peep.
96
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,880
No one would. Love you!
97
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,560
Listen to me.
We're moving so fast!
98
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,680
And that's why they don't let
me in Banjo Billy's anymore.
99
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,360
That's a banger
of a story, Cody!
100
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,720
Number 49, table's ready, fellas.
101
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,280
Should we make it a table for four?
102
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,800
See ya, guys.
Those guys were awesome.
103
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,160
- Darby leave you hangin' again, T?
- Leave me hangin'?
104
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,240
Guy was like, "Theo, don't go to Kenny's
Lobster Shack without me.
105
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,040
That's our special thing.
106
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,040
"Yeah, okay, Darb.
Cut to... me sitting here.
107
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,480
How's that crab rangoon?
108
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,560
- Good?
- Yeah, it's alr...
109
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,640
Yeah, I haven't tried it yet. Supposed to
be pretty good, though. From what I hear.
110
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,600
Thinking about giving it a spin.
We'll see.
111
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,000
- What do you give it?
- What?
112
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,560
What do you give it? Six? Seven?
113
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,160
On the scale. The Richter scale.
Rangoon scale!
114
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,400
- I dunno. Good.
-"Good"? That's it?
115
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,480
Dude, do yourself a favor and hit up
Johnny's Seafood Barn over on Truxtun.
116
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,520
They've got a rangoon
that's in the twelves.
117
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:50,760
You'll fuckin' jizz
your underwear!
118
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,280
Look, sir, my wife and I are just trying
to have a date night, okay?
119
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,600
Can you just leave us alone, please?
120
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,320
Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. What am I...
some needy guy at the bar?
121
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,640
Don't answer that! I'm just fucking
with you, dude. Relax.
122
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,280
What exit you guys take to get here?
123
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,240
Okay, Hector, give me an update.
Where we at turning that 6 into a 14?
124
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,360
Do I add 7?
125
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,960
Add 7? I'm-a put you on hold.
Gotta run the math on that.
126
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,040
Hey. Remind me
who's on this line again.
127
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,200
It's Ellie!
128
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,320
Ellie, my dear. So, according to the text,
oxygen gas has no color.
129
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,840
But can you tell me what color
the liquid and solid forms are?
130
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,040
{\i1}Green?
Close.{\i0}
131
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,280
Think on that while I get back to Hector.
Ellie, I just hung up on you.
132
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,920
- Call back on my cell! Number's 805...
- I add five?
133
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,360
No, not you, Hector! You figure out how
to change that 8 to a 5 yet?
134
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,440
Five?
135
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,920
Hey! Get out! Get out of here!
Get the hell out of here!
136
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,240
Who is this guy now?!
137
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:06,120
He runs a public-access show to help kids
with homework?! He's a good man!
138
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,800
I could never forget
a date this important.
139
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,880
Focus, Doris! He ruined your life and
doesn't even remember you! He must die!
140
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,520
- What in the cuss was that?!
- Oh, boy!
141
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,640
- How much did you hear?
- I'm not talking about your farts!
142
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,760
I'm talking about you interrupting a live
taping of "Homework Hotline."
143
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,480
The future of our nation depends on those
kids and their education!
144
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,440
And helping them requires
my full attention.
145
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,800
You could have just told me what
you were doing in there.
146
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,560
Sorry I don't flaunt my kindness for clout
like one of these webpage celebrities.
147
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:49,000
Oh, my. Here we are. Our first fight.
I'm sorry. It's been a long night.
148
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,200
How 'bout we start over?
149
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,640
Listen. I know a little spot
with all-you-can-eat scallops.
150
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,440
- I love scallops.
- I know.
151
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,840
You vaguely alluded to it in your profile.
It's what made me wet.
152
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,440
Vodka tonic, please.
153
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,080
- Hey! Check it out!
- Yeah. Same shirt.
154
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,160
No, you dipshit. I'm him!
155
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,960
I'm sorry. I don't follow.
I got this at a yard sale.
156
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:27,360
Name... three songs. Now!
157
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,760
Look. It's not like I believe in some
"force of creation"
158
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,280
that's "beyond our understanding."
159
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,880
It's deeper than that. It's like a man.
160
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:42,680
A super-white, Caucasian man, with a
beard, who lives in the sky judging us...
161
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,360
Sorry. I'm rambling.
Me and my big-ass brain.
162
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,320
That's beautiful.
I just hope he's okay with murder.
163
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,080
And for what it's worth, your ex-husband
sounds like a real "shellfish" jerk.
164
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,080
Darby!
165
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,000
You know, I was a real arrogant prick
my whole life,
166
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,760
and I'll spend every moment
I have left trying to make up for it,
167
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,600
so take it from me...
I can fix you.
168
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,360
I said take off your shirt!
169
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,640
- Hey, Theo! That's enough!
- I don't mean it in a sleazy way, moron!
170
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:20,440
She doesn't know one song. She's a poser.
We got a poser here, everyone!
171
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,840
- You need to leave, dawg.
- I'm leaving!
172
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:29,280
So this is the hussy
you're parading around town now!
173
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,920
- Hey! Don't talk to her like that!
- Darby, who is this?
174
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,960
It's no one. Just a bro from work.
175
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:38,600
Ex-bro, bro! Word of advice, lady, don't
be fooled by this asshole's cunning way
176
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,480
with words and fresh take
on God and spirituality,
177
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:45,440
his false promises to fix you, to help
you, then he leaves you high and dry!
178
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,680
I'm a jack-hang addict, okay?
And he was my sponsor.
179
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,160
He bailed on me tonight
when I needed him the most!
180
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,440
You're done.
181
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,240
He's the biggest poser in here!
You hear me?! A shellfish jerk!
182
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,920
He'll always be a shellfish jerk!
183
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,640
- Stebe?
- Oh, hey, Theo.
184
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,120
Sorry.
Was I being too loud again?
185
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,120
No. I kinda... need someone to bro
out with tonight,
186
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:28,280
and I was wondering if maybe you wanted
to, I dunno, hang out with me?
187
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,360
Yeah.
188
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:39,400
I got a few things going on tonight,
but I can probably move some stuff around.
189
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,400
But, yeah, yeah.
I think I can make it work.
190
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,200
Hey, you're in need of a bro, and I happen
to know a brother
191
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,640
who'd be happy to oblige.
192
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,080
Okay. Cool.
193
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,960
It's happening. Today the tides turn
in your favor, Stebe. Don't blow it.
194
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,360
He's the lucky one. Remember that.
He is.
195
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,720
Not you. Everyone wants
to hang out with you.
196
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:12,960
They're just too big of pussies to ask.
You hear me? You're the big dog now!
197
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,800
It's time to show them what they've been
missing out on all these years.
198
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,400
Okay. You ready?
199
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,080
I've planned the perfect day for us.
200
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,560
We're gonna go see the giant scallop
of Oxnard, a full day's drive away.
201
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,720
All we gotta do is drive through the long
Omarosa Forest Highway.
202
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:31,840
It's a massive dead zone
203
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,440
with no cell service or a living
soul for a hundred miles.
204
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,840
We'll be completely alone and vulnerable
out there! But don't you worry,
205
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,040
I'll let you take that cleaver you love so
much if you need protection.
206
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,480
So, what do ya say?
207
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,880
- Perfect.
- Yeah!
208
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,960
Sorry to keep you waitin'.
Wasn't any Croix left in the fridge,
209
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,080
so had to hit up my secret stash out
in the garage.
210
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,040
But let's keep that between
you and me, huh?
211
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,960
There ya go.
212
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,640
Look at us. A couple of Croix Bois.
213
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,320
The heck? This thing broken?
You take a sip of that...
214
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:17,080
I think it's fine. You take a sip of that
Croix yet? You're in for a treat.
215
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,320
The bubbles tickle my mustache.
216
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,680
Taste that?
That's Peach-Pear, baby.
217
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,000
That's right. Didn't think I'd remember
your flavor, did you?
218
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,680
Well, I'm not surprised. Turns out a lot
of people underestimate your big bro.
219
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,840
No, wait. Peach-Pear is
Mel Dennison's flavor, isn't it?
220
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,760
Hold on. Don't tell me.
221
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,680
You're a Tangerine guy, aren't ya?
222
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,680
I can't do tangy personally.
I go more subtle.
223
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,600
In fact, I know it's controversial, but...
224
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,800
I actually like the coconut one.
225
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,400
- What exit you take to get here?
- Oh, my God! What the fuck is this?!
226
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,120
The government should station
you at Guantanamo
227
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,360
'cause this is the worst torture session
I've ever had to endure!
228
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,240
God damn, you're a fuckin' snooze,
Stebe! Fucking loser!
229
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,880
And, by the way, it's Pamplemousse!
My favorite flavor is Pamplemousse!
230
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,480
I had fun.
231
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,720
God! What a loser! Is that what his
inner monologue sounds like?
232
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,480
How does he live with himself?! Jesus!
So sad, dude!
233
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,560
How did my life get so bad that I'm
sitting here forced
234
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,000
to listen to La Croix small talk?
What a fall from grace.
235
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:24,240
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
236
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,360
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!
237
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,960
I'm kidding.
I know we still got a ways to go.
238
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,600
I was just referencing
how annoying kids are in the movies.
239
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,960
Why did you insist on wearing
that blindfold?
240
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,240
You think you're the only one
who likes surprises?
241
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:41,000
I can't wait tosee this scallop.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
242
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,480
Oh, crap! Shut up!
Shut up for a second!
243
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,520
Homework Hot... Darby's personal line.
How can I help you?
244
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,400
Darb, I have some bad news.
Are you standing up?
245
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,480
No. I'm sitting.
246
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:56,040
Okay. Good. It's about Theo.
He jack-hanged last night.
247
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,360
- What?!
- It's alright.
248
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,760
He's okay. But the doctor
said if he'd been strapped
249
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,560
to that doorknob any longer, he'd be dead.
We're lucky Matt found him in time.
250
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,960
It's all my fault. I got him Croix'd up,
and things got out of hand.
251
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,000
{\i1}When am I gonna learn that some people
can't Croix as hard as I can?{\i0}
252
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,880
Yeah.
253
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,200
{\i1}- Wait. You're a fellow Croix Boi, huh?
- Yeah.{\i0}
254
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,440
{\i1}My guy, you gotta swing
by the house some time and...{\i0}
255
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,880
Oh, thank God.
Doris, we have to turn around!
256
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,160
Sorry, Darby,
but this is a one-way trip.
257
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,440
You don't understand! It's Theo! He
jack-hanged and ended up in the hospital!
258
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,640
And what about our special
day you promised?
259
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,960
Look. I was planning to propose
to you, okay? Here's the ring.
260
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,640
Who the fuck have you become?!
261
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,880
You were my lawyer and you left me
on the stand years ago,
262
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:53,040
which defaulted to my immediate conviction
and incarceration as per the law!
263
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,040
I'm here because I want to kill you!
264
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,840
Well, I don't care if
you want to kill me.
265
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,720
Spending time with you is the happiest
I've ever been in my whole life.
266
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,680
That's why I wanted to take you
to the Oxnard scallop.
267
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,280
Because it's the perfect place to begin
a lifelong commitment.
268
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,520
Theo and I can catch up later.
Let's just go check out this big scallop.
269
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,880
You've got a bro in the hospital
who needs you. Go. Be with him.
270
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,160
Because even as I look into those big sexy
eyes of yours,
271
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:26,520
I can't help but know that one day your
slightest misstep
272
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,360
will reignite my own stupid resentment
273
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,720
for you and the rest of this endless
ocean of sadness...
274
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,560
...and I will kill you.
275
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,880
Go!
276
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,760
Are you kidding?!
It looks terrifying out there!
277
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,000
Run.
278
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,000
This is the saddest day of my life.
279
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,480
Bye! See ya! See ya later!
280
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,480
Bye! Bye, now!
281
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,080
Take care!
See ya on the flip side!
282
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,440
Bye! Bye-bye! Goodbye! Bye!
Goodbye!
283
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,240
Bye!
284
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,960
And... act.
285
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,040
Hi. I'm Theo. I haven't dated
in a while due to a life
286
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,720
plagued by heartache and rejection.
287
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,160
You'd think you'd build up a tolerance
to those things, but you don't.
288
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,960
And you know what I've come
to realize,
289
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,920
thanks to my jack-hang sponsor
and best bro? It's okay to feel sad.
290
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,960
It doesn't need to be fixed because now
you get to experience life
291
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,480
through the prism
of someone who feels sad.
292
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,720
I'm more convinced than ever
that this search for love
293
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,480
is worth every second of pain that comes
with it. So, what do ya say?
294
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,200
Are you the tide to push my lifeboat off
this endless ocean of sadness?
295
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:16,800
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