All language subtitles for Peep Show - S09E05 - Kid Farm

# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

The programme contains strong
language throughout and adult humour.

Education, education, education.
Ian coming over?

Oh, yeah. Got some new Mandarin
flash cards. Take it up a level.

I see you're sticking with
"the programme".

Poor little bastard
doesn't even get a Jaffa Cake.

I'm turning Ian into a super-toddler,

the chocolate reward in sight
but always just out of reach.

He is going to learn to defer
his gratification so damn hard.

When are you finally going to get
your gratification, Mark?

I don't know. Sort of all at once when
I finally dive into my pension pot.

Ejaculate into a pile of M&S cashmere
jumpers and cruise brochures.

Oi, Jez?

I'd never masturbate into cashmere.
A nightmare to wash!

Oh, hi, Sophie. Where's...?
I'm sorry, but don't start.

Ian's with my mum.
Is it OK if we do it tomorrow?

Meet us at the Kid Kave.

But I've been preparing
all sorts of great IQ games.

I've stuffed a pinata.

It's filled with nature facts

with the odd carob-covered raisin
to keep his morale up.

Look, I'm sorry, Mark, I need to talk
to you. Have you got any beers in?

This isn't America, Sophie.

I don't keep random beers in.
I might have some rum,

but you probably... Fine, rum.

'She's a bit rum keen.'

So, er...

what's happened?
What happened with Ian?

Oh, it's fucking Duncan. Obviously,
you're going to feel jealous.

He's around the whole time.
I know how you feel about Duncan.

'I love Duncan!

'Sexless, unthreatening Duncan,

'teaching him maths

'and tag-teaming the Mandarin
flash cards.'

Duncan's a great guy,

but he's a shit. Oh.

OK, because since Duncan's
been around... Ugh!

..Ian's scores have been
through the roof.

"Scores"? Have you been
testing our son? No!

I mean, yes.

Just a bit of basic intelligence
testing.

I do it to me and Jez, too,
just to keep track.

Yeah, well, Duncan,
you know how he tutors?

Of course!

When I saw how Ian
could hold a pen, I nearly shat.

Well, I think he's getting a bit
fucking cosy with one of the mums.

Alison. You remember Alison?

"Oh, look at my floaty dress,
Sophie. Is it too much for the pub?"

Oh. Right.

What do I do? I'm pretty sure
he's having an affair.

Well, I-I think you
shouldn't be too hasty.

Maybe everything will run its course
with Duncan and Alison.

You think I should wait
until he's bored of humping her?

I just think Duncan
sounds like a real catch,

and...people are...

multifaceted.

'Just let him get Ian started on
the viola and Ancient Greek.'

Remember Grandma's Boner,
mid-noughties,

when we teamed up with Perpetual
Spinach, did a bit of turbo folk?

All the Whores of Malta.

Exactly. Well, Whores of Malta's
been picked up.

It's on a skills video
for a Hertha Berlin defender.

Oh, wow!

Yeah. Plus, I've got a cheque here
for you for 250 quid.

Oh, my God!

Mark!

I've done a thing!

Do you think when I do a search
this will come up?

Cos when Joe searched, nothing
really came up apart from some

shit I wrote in a forum about how

Moby was overrated
and should be killed

and his DNA expunged from humanity.

Hm... And, you know,

cold light of day,
it looks a bit much.

Yeah, no, no, no, this should
come up now on the internet.

"Lyrics by Super Hans."

Yeah, you did the lyrics solo,
did you?

Er, yeah.

'Definitely, definitely didn't.'

Yeah... Pretty sure I...helped.

No, don't think so.

Anyway, it's cool, yeah?

Oh, yeah, it's cool.

But I just think, would it be cool

to change the credit to a shared
credit, though, do you think?

Sure. Sure, I'll speak to the guy.
It'll be cool.

Although there's a small chance
it might not be possible.

Cool. Understood.
But you'll have a word.

Absolutely.

But the headlines are,
we did a track, everybody loves it.

The rest is just bean counting
for the bread-heads, yeah?

Yeah, truth to power, my friend.

'I need to get away
and count my beans.

'I think he's trying to take
some of my bloody beans!'

Do... Do you want some bread
to go with that, as ballast?

You're my ballast, Mark.

Well, thank you...

You weigh me down.

You stop me from flying off.

You're my ballast, Mark!

Happy to be of service.

'Stop calling me your ballast!'

Hey!

This may sound like a crazy idea,

but why don't you move into
Nana's cottage with us, Mark?

I'm-I'm sorry, how do you mean?

With me and Ian.

Fuck Duncan! He can drive around

in Alison's Mazda like
a little pimp.

You move in with us,
to Nana's cottage.

We could be a fucked-up family!

You're my ballast, Mark!

'Let's see how she likes it.'

You're my ballast, too, Sophie.

'I think I'll be saying no to
a lifetime of

'passive-aggressive
mutual ballast-calling.'

April!

I'm really sorry for turning up
like this, but I've been walking

round the block,
and I just wanted to talk.

'Talk? Yeah? Very quietly
at the door?'

'Do come in and meet
my ex-wife, the drunk...'

Um, sorry, just... I just want to
put everything on the table.

'Get this shit off the table!'

I know we've had a nice time
together,

there's obviously
this mutual attraction...

'Are we having sex on the table?'

But the kiss, that was wrong.

'Not wrong, right!'

We crossed a line, and I don't think
we should see each other any more.

Look, can we talk tomorrow?

I'm taking my son to a play centre,
the Kid Kave.

You could bring your niece.
It might be fun.

I'm sorry, Mark, I...

Goodbye might be simpler.

'Oh, knife in the guts!'

Goodbye, April.

Let the dream crumble.

'Lovely, crumbly dream
that I can't even eat with custard.'

Who was that?

Someone from the past.

Ah, you love people from the past,

don't you, Mark? Like Napoleon.

Yes...

But it wasn't Napoleon.
Ah, that's a shame.

'Butter the toast.

'Eat the toast.

'Shit the toast.

'God, life's relentless.

'The April door closes,
the Sophie door opens.

'The loveless marriage.

'Cut off the cock and stick it
in a jar.

'Might be a relief.'
I slept on it,

but actually, I couldn't sleep

because I became filled
with this boiling feeling of rage

and now I've actually decided

it's the worst thing
that ever happened. Jez...

Joe's beginning to realise
that I'm a loser.

It's very important that he doesn't
realise that I'm a loser.

Because I'm not a loser.

And would an aggressive campaign
to claim shared credit

for the lyrics on a little bit of
song on an internet football video

make you look like a winner,
would you say? Yes!

I-I really think you need
to let this go.

Take the advice of a man
who's been scientifically proven

to have above-average intelligence.

Oh, not the IQ test.

I wasn't concentrating.

'So what if I had a bit of help?

'It's only the dunderheads
with their low IQs

'who don't figure out the way to win

'is looking stuff up
on the internet.'

I don't need to take a stupid
IQ test to know that

I'm three times as intelligent
as you. Oh, really?

And what's three times 133?

'Three 100s and 30 and 30 and 30.

'But then all the threes...

'Is it a trick question?'

Mark, no-one does maths these days.

We've all got calculators
in our pockets,

just like all our maths teachers
said we wouldn't.

Anyway, this proves nothing.

Probably most people
are below average.

Oh, fuck!

Hans says it can't be changed.

Apparently, the net
has run out of web space

and they don't have enough bytes
left to add my name.

Do you think he might be
taking advantage of you

because you're mentally subnormal
and have a brain the size of a pea?

This track is my Citizen Kane.

The lyrics you want to
claim credit for,

that's the electronic voice saying,

"ATOL protected, ATOL protected"?

Yes! Those are my words.

'Inspired...'

I remember because I was reading

the small print on a plane ticket
when I came up with them.

Copied them.
Discovered them.

Hang on!

It was your plane ticket.

You went into a rant
about the Civil Aviation Authority

and how ATOL protection
wasn't something to make light of.

That sounds very believable. Yes!

You've cracked the case.

You're not thinking of
getting back with Sophie?

A bit of a depressing backward step?

Yeah, well, April's kaput.

Maybe that's just life,

your expectations
get ground down and down

until finally you settle for a life

that would have mortified you
20 years ago

but now seems like a blessed relief.

It's the journey of life, like

Radio 1, Radio 2, Classic FM,

Heart, Magic, dead.

Mm. Yeah.

OK. Are you ready?

"My recollection, so far as it goes,
is that Jeremy did indeed

"make a significant contribution
to the lyrics in question,

"ie the words 'ATOL protected'."

Hi, Hans. I've brought you
a panettone.

Sweet. What is it?

I don't know. You see them around.

Sort of like
dry, old Italian cake.

Right. Wicked.
Yeah, and also,

Mark had something to say.
Erm...

my recollection, so far as it goes,

is that Jeremy...
Look, Jez, you were there. Fine.

You were part of a creative milieu.

You contributed to engendering
a vibe,

out of which emerged my lyric.

I wrote it.

I know I wrote those lyrics,
cos I keep 'em

in my lyrics file.
You can't remember jack shit,

because you're a crackhead

with a brain made of Swiss cheese.
No, mate.

I'm straight-edge now.
I walk the line.

Molly won't even let me
live-stream the Spurs.

We're going to come for you
in the night.

He might, but I definitely won't.

Look, calm down, will ya?

Sit in the bath and have a Magnum.

Wanker!

'Yeah, fuck off, Hans.

'You're the fifth Beatle.

'I'm the other four.'

Come on, Jez, let's go.

I've got to get to the Kid Kave.

Hans's file! The proof!

It's in there. And because I've got

a genius IQ...

'Below-average IQ.'

..I've cracked the code of
the spare key.

It's like cracking Enigma, isn't it,

looking under
all the different flowerpots?

Oh, Christ, Jez, not burgling!

OK, I'm here to borrow a brolly.

If anyone comes, I'm saying
I popped in to borrow a brolly.

Here we go.

Apple grievances, Lemmy...lyrics.

Nothing?! Nothing at all?!

Right, fuck him.

Revenge. Revenge is
the sexy man's justice.

Ohh...
Ooh!

Someone who is expecting cornflakes

is going to get a big fucking
multi-hit of Shreddies.

Boom!
That is inconvenient!

OK, I'm going to lick these apples

and put his bank card
in the freezer.

You start swapping the CDs
into the wrong cases.

OK, I'm going.

Wait!

Watch this.
'Oh, Jesus. I'm a backup burglar.

'I'm a burglar's PA.'

No, Jeremy, really?

Goldfish in the Shreddies?

Is that your budget version
of a horse's head in the bed?

It's the free gift that's going to
send him clinically insane.

Well, for God's sake
leave the snake alone.

Here, fishy.

'And the IQ testing is complete.'

If I could go back in time,

maybe I wouldn't have split up
with Sophie in the first place.

Where would you go, though, if you
could actually go back, in time?

So many choices. Periclean Athens,
Egypt under Rameses I,

the Ziggurat of Ur... God!

I think I'd probably go back to
the '50s.

The 1950s? Jeremy, I'm talking about

seeing a civilisation
that's unimaginably different.

So am I. Thick, thick shakes,

real fat burgers,
big Chevvies, cheerleaders.

But Socrates? If you went for 14AD,

you could nab Augustus and Jesus.

Nyah.

"Nyah"?

If not the '50s, then the '60s.

See the Rolling Stones and have
a Coke. Jeremy,

you can literally still do
exactly that.

I'm talking about seeing them in their
prime, drinking Coke out of a bottle.

'Enjoy Cokeless Rome, dickhead!'

Jesus.

This is where we bring them now,
the poor fuckers?

I mean, God, net them up,

bag 'em and tag 'em.

Oh, it looks fun! You can have
a cappuccino while they play.

All I can think about is death.

Better than the fucking park, mate.

You really want to kill yourself
at the park, all right?

So, Sophie - are you going to pull
on the iron underpants,

tie your knob to the Bosch and just run
yourself over with the Morphy Richards?

It's a real three-piper.

If I say yes, I'll regret it,
that's certain.

Claustrophobic, depressing,

mouldering resentment.
Corrigan classic.

But if I say no,
I'll also definitely regret it,

overwhelming feelings
of regret, guilt and sadness.

The old familiar.
Mark?

Wow, my son.

Hi, Ian!

Ian-Ian-Ian-Ian!

How are you doing, little fella?

'Flicker of recognition?
Basically uninterested.'

Hey there, little guy! High-five!
'Ugh, the high-five.

'Like the grey squirrel, it will drive
the handshake to extinction eventually.'

Come on, little fella, let Uncle
Jeremy put you in the rage cage.

So, what are you thinking, cowboy?
The big offer? Happy families?

Ian. It's all about Ian.

You know what? Let's do it.

Wow, just like that?
Screw it, let's give it a go.

I think it could work, maybe,
in some weird way?

I think maybe it might.
Do you think we'll be unhappy?

Very.
Put it there, partner.

'What this phlegm has put together,
let no man break asunder.'

Erm, look, Mark, I've got to go.

Duncan wants to have a drink,
the total shit.

And I need to phone Dad, tell him
about you. He's going to piss blood!

Ha... Er, OK...

Want to cry and be sick at the
same time, do you? No! I-I'm excited.

It's... It's exciting.

'The first of the million lies

'that are going to make up
our terrible relationship.'

See you later!

Ian's in the fun pit working
the plastics.

What have I done? What have I done?

He's being detained
at capitalism's pleasure.

I said yes. OK...

You, my friend, are a stone-cold
maniac.

Leftovers? I'm broke. Can't you
just bank the YouTube money?

It could weaken my claim.
The claim must not be weakened.

What the fuck is that?

W-What's in there?

In where? I don't know
what you're talking about.

Your bag just moved! What have you...

OK, I needed a little...margin,

collateral, to stop Super Hans
in his tracks.

His...

snake.

You brought a snake
to a children's play centre?

Oh, Mark, don't make this into
a thing.

Is it venomous?

Probably not.
I picked it up with an oven glove,

but it didn't look venomous.

It didn't "look" venomous?

It looked perfectly chilled out
when I put it in the bag.

And what about now
that it's been confined

to the bag for a couple of hours?

It's fine. It's double-bagged.

I'm going to call Super Hans,
get him to come over here

and we'll settle this thing
once and for all.

This children's play centre is
your designated snake handover arena?

He can't come at me in the kid farm,
can he? It's perfect.

Hi, Mark.

Jeremy...

April! What are you doing here?

Sorry, I know I said...

But I've had more time to think.

You did invite me.
'She came!'

This is my niece, Hayley.

Hi!

Er, hello, Hayley, erm...
Take a seat!

I'll throw her in, if you like.
Into the wipe-clean penitentiary.

'She actually came!'

Hans, it's Jez.
Come and meet me at the Kid Kave.

Just get to Thornton Heath
and follow the screaming.

I wanted to have a big talk
with Angus last night.

He was OK, but he was writing to
the Pope.

He sometimes thinks he might be able
to heal the Great Schism.

'Cuckoo!'
Intellectually, he's scintillating,

but he'd never take coke
and throw an iPad out the window.

Yes, well, that's just how I roll.

'Finally, I'm the Ferrari,

'he's the fucking Volvo.'
Mark?

Would you like to do
something rather naughty?

'Oh, April!'

This is quite naughty.

Naughty naughty!
Blimey!

'"Disabled toilet baby changing
shelf,"

'the five sexiest words
in the English language.

'I hope my son's OK with Jeremy

'and the snake.

'No, be in the moment!'

Erm, I don't want to break the spell,

but should I make haste to purchase
some condoms, perchance?

Oh, it's fine, it'll be OK.

'I wonder what kind of OK.
"No baby" OK,

'or, "OK, we're having a baby".

'Quite interested, but a bit rude
to ask.'

Well, that was fun.
That was fun!

And does it mean...

I think it means something.

'Lovely something!

'Oh, he's gone totally mental.'

He's saving money to spend
on a never-ending court battle.

Jarndyce versus Jarndyce?

Exactly.

'Ah, April, you are the one.'

I was looking for you.
Hayley's throwing a wobbly.

Oh, shit. I'll, erm, take her
outside for some fresh air.

Hayley?
Where the hell were you?

Well, I...
Come on, let's go outside.

We...

We just did it in the disabled loo!

Mark! You are on fire today!

Shall I alert all the other women
in here

in case you try and hump them
or move in with them?

So, what are you thinking with
Sophie?

April. It's got to be April.
Exactly.

Me and Sophie and Ian,
it was a crazy scheme.

It would probably do him so much
harm, living between warring parents.

That's the line.

Yeah, do what you want, mate,
shovel the kid into the kid pit.

Better call Sophie, see if she minds

picking up Ian later from the flat.
Where is Ian?

Dunno.

I thought you were keeping an eye
on him!

I'm not a professional
childminder, Mark.

Anyway, I probably don't
have a high enough IQ.

The least you could do
was keep an eye on Ian while I...

Hump someone else's wife
in the disabled toilet?

I'm not a member of your entourage,
Mark.

Ian! Ian!

Ooh, Mark, mate,
something wonky this way comes.

Good luck.

'Oh, fuck! She's not here. We never
talked. The deal never happened.'

H-Have you been...?
Have you had a drink?

Why, am I not allowed to?
Mark's booze patrol?

'She just loves wine.'

I had a ding-dong with Duncan.

And he's off to Alison
with her little fuck-me Mazda.

Oh...
But I don't have

a fucking Mazda.
Sorry, I've got a fucking Micra.

I've made my decision.

Dad might think it's mental.
Everyone might think it's mental.

'It's definitely mental.'

Look, why don't I call you a cab
and you can go home

and then we can have a big chat
about everything later, yeah?

Ah, cool your heels, let's have
a coffee.

No, Soph, I need to find Ian!

I should never have left him with
Jez.

Ian? Ian!

Oh, for God's sake, relax.

It's not like he's on the M25.

Ian?

'Oh, this is murder

'on my back.'
You know what?

Duncan's a prick. Fuck him.

The naughty lady likes funny words,
cos she's feeling funny.

Have you seen a little boy?

Mark, you're freaking him out.

He's not answering.

Why aren't you answering?
What have you done with him?!

Ian!
I like you, Mark.

But I don't love you.

I hate you.
Noted.

Oh, this is a disaster.

What if he's hurt himself?
No!

You show me a sharp corner.

What if he's wandered out
through an emergency exit?

No, they'll lock them all.

They lock the emergency exits?!
What if there's a fire?!

Oh, Christ!

I'm going to have a little lie down,
Mark. I'm tired.

OK, you have a lie down
in the ball pit. I'll find Ian

and then we'll have a big chat
about everything.

'A big chat during which

'I will reverse out of our agreement

'as elegantly as a man backing
his car

'into the entire peloton
of the Tour de France.'

So, look, I spoke to Molly. Y'know?

She thinks you're a dong.

Slippery, like a...

real sketchy fucker.

Well, I think she's a small-minded,
two-faced buzz-killing machine.

But...

she said I needed to man up,
have the credit changed.

She's decent, though. She is.
I've always said that.

So I made the call.

Oh, wow!

Thanks, man, you put me on!

Amazing. They found
some more web space, then? Yeah.

Yeah, they must have, er,
deleted some old photos, an' that.

And, erm, have you been back
to your flat since we spoke?

Just out of interest.

No. Why?

I kind of broke in, looking

for evidence, and...

I sort of...

killed your fish.

You killed Flop? Jesus Christ!

Yeah.

Flop was one of the good guys, man!
He was old-school.

I know. I'm sorry. I always liked
Flop.

And there's one other thing I did
that I shouldn't have.

Not Flip as well?
No. No.

I feel bad about this, but...

I took...

'Oh, fuck.'

What?
I took...

this.

Er... It's fine.

Well, no.

They cost money, and the bottom line
is... 'Where's the fucking snake?'

..it's your bag, and I stole it.

And I feel...

'Where the fuck is he?'

..incredibly ashamed of that.

Oh. Er...

no worries, dude.

'Oh, I've lost my child.

'I'm such a terrible, terrible human
in every single respect.'

Hans just caved. We won.

Oh, good.

Only downside is...the snake
escaped. What?!

I can't believe it would do that.
So...sneaky!

Yeah. Who could believe

a snake would be so duplicitous?

They're so famously reliable, snakes.

The good news is, I googled it
and it's totally not venomous.

'So reassuring...'

What are you doing?
It's Ian.

I can't find him anywhere.

So many bloody kids.

I need to somehow get them all
cleared out, maybe shout "Fire" or...

I could tell the staff that
you were a famous paedo.

That would clear the place,
like Jaws at the beach.

"A famous paedo"?
What?

You're very free and easy about
labels.

You don't mind a bit of a bad-boy
rep.

I'll need to talk to Sophie.

I think she might be balls deep.

Soph?

She's out cold.

Oh, God, April! She can't see

my sort of wife who I've sort of
agreed to get back together with

and is sort of a total fucking mess.

I mean, you could...
Bury the body?

I was going to say wake her up
and get her a coffee.

But Shallow Ball Grave?

She's pretty much already buried.

Well, don't fuck about.

If you're going to bury her, bury
her.

This is fine.

It's just a nice, multicoloured
siesta.

OK. Good.

This is good. Bury Sophie,

find Ian, leave with April.

Do you think she'll be able
to breathe in her grave?

Of course! The air holes are
numerous.

OK. Just push her head down.

It's poking up a bit.
Just need to weigh her down more.

There we go.

She's gone. She's gone, Mark.
You're cool.

Hey, Mark, there's Ian.

Great!

Although, do you think
he witnessed the burial?

Er...

'He looks OK. That's right, son,
push it all down.

'My pension can go on therapy.'

Hey there, little buddy!

Hey, Mark.
Hi!

Hayley was fine, but she was

babbling something about a snake.

Oh, God! Well, let's get
the hell out of here.

Back to mine for a wine?

Yeah, OK, why not?

Mark, erm, I just want to say,

I'm really pleased I came to see
you. Really pleased.

Me, too, April. Me, too.

Mark?

There's, erm... There's a...

Wha'...?
Oh, God!

That's fine...

I-I imagine.

Probably some funny buried clown.

'Oh! I should have used more balls.'

What the...?

Mark! Why did you bury me?

I didn't bury you.

If you don't want to move in after
all, you don't have to bury me,

just send a fucking text!

Mark?
It's OK.

Probably been in there for months.

Just some kind of
homeless ball-pit witch.

It doesn't feel quite right leaving
a snake in a child's soft-play area.

'Burying your wife alive, it
just has such an unfortunate ring.'

Maybe we should leave a note.

Saying...?
"Sorry... Snake"?

Hmm...