All language subtitles for Peep Show - S08E06 - Quantocking II

♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well

♪ And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell... ♪

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.

Welcome to the Wind-Tunnel,
my friend,

the Theatre of Screams,
the Black Hole of Cal-nutter.

Really glad to be moving in
with you, Hans.

Literally nowhere else to go.

The... er... bathroom's
currently on a bucket flush system.

The fridge is fucked,

but the bag out the window's
functioning very well.

We do peg and reuse the teabags.

And this...

this'll be your room.

Oh, here goes.

Oh, it's OK.

No skagheads, no corpses, no nonces.

It's Nan's.
Right. Great.

She isn't still using it, is she?

She's dead, Jeremy.

If you want to stop going on
about it for one single minute.

Right, sorry. Of course.

The bag. Finally my destiny
has arrived.

Coaster! Fucking hell, Jez,
I'm not an animal.

Right, well, this is nice.

I can put all of my...

Hans, it's a snake!

Yeah, there are snakes.

There are quite a few snakes in your
room. It's... hard to keep count.

They're very good at hiding.
Sneaky like that.

Not to be too la-di-da, but is there
a room with fewer snakes available?

I tried bagging them up,
but that didn't go down too well

so I just let them get on with it.

Don't worry, though.
They're all right...

for snakes.

I hope Jeremy's OK
in Super Hans' bag.

It is a sleeping bag, yeah?

Who cares? I bet Jez doesn't.
He's having the time of his life.

So... when do you think you might be,
you know, bringing your stuff over?

No pressure.

'Translation - some pressure.'

Probably in about a week.
Jason's van's in the garage.

'Jason - the only man with a van.'

Hey, Dobby, come over here a minute.

'Maybe they're going to brainstorm
another excuse not to move in.'

'I wonder what she's laughing about.
Could just go and ask.

'"What the fuck are you
laughing about?!"

'Might seem a bit aggressive,
though.'

So, five-a-side on Sunday.

We're down a man if you fancy it.

Oh, I'd love to, but I've got
a roast chicken summit with Alice.

'Five-a-side, ugh.

'That's where all the men go
to laugh at the rest of us

'who can't check the brake fluid
or shoot a baboon.

'Alastair Campbell and Alan Hansen
and probably Brian Cox,

'even though he pretends
he's not one of them.'

Oh, my God, I was just chatting
to Trish. Big news.

What?
She's a transsexual.

She's started hormone therapy
and in January she's having the op.

Oh, my God. Really?

No, of course not, dickhead!

The company's got a six-month
project in New York

and Trish asked how
I'd feel about being part of it.

Oh... OK. Wow.

It's between me and Claire
with the hair.

So don't mention it to anyone.

God, I've been looking forward to
moving in with you for months but...

'Oh, the but.'

Oh, it's difficult.

Yeah. God.

Yeah.

'The invented job offer
to escape cohabitation. Classic.

'That is very me.'

I'm not trying to move back in
or anything,
just forgot to give you my keys.

You can come round any time
you like, old friend.

'That's nice. He's so nice.

'He might even let me steal
his girlfriend.'

Yeah, loose keys. Never owned
a keyring, waste of money.

Yeah?
Your Holsten Pils keyring?

The guys over at Holsten
are laughing their arses off at you,

advertising their beer to yourself
every time you come home.

Hi, Jez. How's life in the bag?

Hi, Dobs. Yeah, great.

'Wet from the shower,
Warm from the oven.'

Great to get finally bagged up.
It's like a chrysalis.

I'm going to emerge like
some kind of mad butterfly.

I just came back to give Mark
my keys.

Stay for a cup of tea, at least.

Yeah, tea, or Um Bongo,

the delicious tropical juice drink
with overtones of colonial racism.

'God, I love you.
It's all good.

'Except it's all so very bad.
Oh, my room.

'It's like looking at my own grave,
except I'm so dead there's not even
a body in it.'

It's going to be my home office.

Funny, eh?

What happened to the... bed
and the desk?

Dobby and me drove them
to the... dump.

There's a great little area to leave
stuff someone else might want.

Did you see anyone take them?

Actually, someone did take the bed,
a... woman.

Oh, that's nice to know.
Gone to a good home,

old... beddy.

Yeah.

'She was very much
The on-methadone,

'living-in-a-halfway-house type,
but best not to mention that.'

- I could give it a lick
of paint if you like.
- Um...

'Pay me to hang around
With Dobby.'

I'll do it to the highest
professional standards.

Yes? Can I show you exhibit A,

one of the walls that you started
painting ten years ago and never
finished?

Please, Mark.

I'll... think about it.

'I've thought about it
and it's a no.'

How's everything at Hans'?

Yeah, great.

Oh, good. I... I was worried
it wouldn't be nice.

No, no, it's nice.
I mean, little bump,

cos my room is a bit...

full of snakes.

Snakes?!
Yeah. It's a bit of a snake pit.

But we're going to bag them up
once we get some coke

and get on a bagging vibe.

Until then, I'm sleeping on the sofa,
which is great.

Except Hans is... something
of a night owl.

Oh.

But aside from the snakes
and the... no sleep, good?

Yeah, really good.

I mean, we are taking
quite a lot of drugs.

I did wonder before, you know,
"Will it be too much drugs at Hans'?

"I mean, he talks a lot about them
but he probably doesn't take that
many."

But it turns out
he does do a hell of a lot.

Right.

Yeah. We had a system
but it kind of broke down.

'Surprise, surprise.'

That's probably a bit of a hazard
with drug-taking.

You need to be really careful
with the ratios.

We just got the ratios a bit off.

So... I do think
I am addicted to drugs now.

Well, you've always
been addicted to drugs, Jeremy.

I'm not a drug addict.
Not until very, very recently.

You smoke marijuana every day
and always have.

That's not being a drug addict, Mark,
you moron.

That's just having a little number
to take the edge off.

So, um, Dobby's finally moved in.

Congratulations.

'You lucky, lucky bastard.'

Actually, she's not moving in till
next week, when Jason's van's
all fixed up.

Oh. Right.

'Jason's van? That sounds like the
kind of bullshit I come up with.'

I... I was worried she was delaying
on purpose, having cold feet.

'Yes! God, I'm such a bad friend.'

And now she's had this job offer
in New York that I'm not supposed
to talk about.

Do you think she could have
made that up to avoid moving in?

'Duh. Obviously.'

I wouldn't worry, mate.

So I've booked a romantic weekend
away for us.

'Shit.'

Great.

I'm going to nail down
this New York lie.

Get her away, confront her
and watch her squirm.

Brilliant. Yeah.

Very romantic.

'Look normal.
Look like you fit in.

'Do a little run.'

Hey, Simon!

Mark...

Heard you guys might need
an extra pair of legs for the game.

Umm... we got Olly to come down,
so we're on five-a-side.

Oh?

But, mate, join in.

Mark's joining bibs,
you get him second half.

'Bibs. Great.

'He naturally assumes
I know about bibs.'

So what are you, defence,
attack, goalie?

Bit of this, bit... bit of that.

D'you see the game the other night?

Which game?

The... The big fixture.

Oh, you missed a great one.

It was a really... great game.

Nothing over head height, no slides,
no-one in the D, yeah?

'Oh, God, what? What?
I need to write this down!'

Can I touch it?
Switch it. Switch it!

'What does that mean?'
I... I don't know what you mean!

Switch it!

Sorry, guys.

I... I was going to, you know,
kick it up the other end

and just put one... right
in their fucking goal hole,

but... no dice.

So I hear something big
might be happening for you guys

on the other side of the pond.

Make sure you stay in some space,
yeah, Mark?

Yeah, dude, don't worry, I've got
this whole wing side on lockdown.

New York-based project, yeah?

'Hmm, suspiciously quiet.

'Maybe Dobby is playing me
for a trout.

'There is no New York deal!'

Take him out. Take out!
'What? What?'

That was too hard!

Someone's going to get hurt
if you kick it that hard!

I mean, that was just too hard,
correct?

'Need to admit I love Dobby.
Who to tell first?

'Her - more exciting,
him - more noble.

'Or... together?

'More Jeremy Kyle,
with a small chance

'he might cave my head in with his
2003 Personal Finance Award.'

You've got some paint on the light
switch.

Yeah, well, that's going to happen,
unless I take forever.

Is this... white?
Is this actual white?

It's apple white. It's cheaper.

Oh, I don't want slightly green
white.

Oh, Jez, this isn't
what I wanted at all!

Oh, come on, Mark.
You knew when you hired me

it wasn't going to be
a "professional" job.

Hey, Dobs.

Why the fuck have you been spying
on me?

I... I'm sorry?

Did you try and squeeze information
out of Simon about the New York job

while pretending to play football?

I wasn't pretending.

I... I just happened to be passing
and felt like a kickaround

and, in the lulls, tried to strike
up friendly banter.

You happened to be passing
a sports centre in Hackney

on the way from your flat in Croydon
to your corner shop in Croydon?

'Ooh, poor old Mark.
The old stepping-on-the-rake trick.

'All I have to do is paint and wait.

'Wait and paint.'

I suppose I...

I didn't believe you liked me enough
to move in with me.

Don't be a fucking dickhead.

I guess it's things like... calling
me "a fucking dickhead" so much.

"Dickhead" is a term of endearment,
knobhead.

Of course the job is real.

'Oh, fuck.'

And now they've offered me the job.
They've chosen me over Claire.

Well...

congratulations.

Yeah. Claire's never going to get on
until she rethinks the hair.

So... I don't know what to do.

Well, if... if you don't mind me
making a suggestion...

why don't you stay
and move in with me?

But...

this is a big opportunity.

New York. It's massive.

Sure, the... the Massive Apple.

But, at the same time,

I've just had the home office
painted.

I'll be moving my desk in there.

You can have this whole bit.

'Mmm, is she going to buy this?

'Might have to sex up the bit.'

It ain't Greenwich Village,
but it's yours.

I actually did quite a good job,
though I say it myself.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

No problemo.
I'd have doubted me too if...

Hang on.

Have you cleaned the paint
off that light switch?

No, Jez, why would I...?

Yes, you bloody did! This is loads
better than when I left it.

I'm sorry, I just wanted it to be
nice, and obviously you're not
competent.

Oh, God.

Look. All the charm's gone,
all my little touches.

It's like you've put a fluorescent
safety jacket on the Mona Lisa.

So...

Dobby's thinking
about taking the job in New York.

Oh, no.

'Oh, God.'

But I've got a plan.

I'm going to push things up a gear.

I'm going to ask Dobby to marry me.

'Fuck!'

I just think now's the time
for a big statement,
show her how I really feel.

I'm going to pop the question
in the Quantocks on the weekend.

Dobby's driving. She's stopping off
to see Gerrard's sister

and her depressing laundry outlet
in Reading.

The Quantocks? Where you
accidentally proposed to Sophie?

Is that where you have to ask
women to marry you, by law?

So... do you think it's a good plan?

Show her how I feel?

Well, honestly...

'This is the moment. Got to tell him
the truth. Tell him I love Dobby.

'Grasp the nettle
and get stung to fuck

'and face the firing squad
and get shot to bloody pieces.'

Yeah, good plan.
Thanks, Jez.

Good to talk it through with a mate.

'Didn't grasp the nettle, obviously.
Who would grasp a fucking nettle?'

It's very good of you to help me,
Jez,

but it's not the 1830s.

I... I think I'll survive
the terrifying train experience.

'Got to tell him I love Dobby.
That's the honourable way.

'Tell him, then tell Dobby.

'Dobby will say she needs
to think about it

'but I'll be able to tell
she really does love me,

'probably, and we buy Mark a cake
and all have a right old... laugh?'

Right, well, er, thanks.
See you Monday.

Hope everything goes well.
Thanks, mate.

'Got to say it.

'Got to say something.'

The train's going to leave, Jeremy.

Yeah. So, apologies,

but I think you should know
I'm in love with Dobby.

I'm sorry, what the fucking hell
are you talking about?

I thought it was only fair
for you to know. Goodbye.

Sorry, can I just get past?

Before my best friend kills me
with a tuna baguette.

Oh, my fucking God,
this train is running on time.

This is unprecedented.

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, back to the scene of the crime

to face the music and dance,
like some mad musical murderer.

How the hell am I going to play this?

Just going to totally fucking ignore
it. It never happened.

So... I'm back.

Oh, look, an interview with the new
USA national football coach,
Jurgen Klinsmann.

What in the name of holy fuck
is going on?

Look, I'm really, really sorry

but Dobby... I mean,
she's just so lovely.

I know she's lovely.

That, sadly, appears to be one thing
that we agree on.

I feel terrible. I do.

I've been carrying
around this weight for months.

So you thought it was about time
to drop it on my head?

You don't understand, Mark.
I'm in love with her.

I want to spend
the rest of my life with her.

The love tap is gushing.

Well, turn it off.
I can't. I've tried.

Well, try harder. Put some fucking
elbow grease into it.

How am I supposed to do that when
there's no such thing as elbow
grease?

Look, Mark, I knew how much this
would hurt you, how angry you'd be.

That's why I planned to tell you
and then get off the train
right afterwards.

How incredibly noble!

God, this is so stressful.
I feel terrible.

Tickets, please.

I don't suppose you'd lend me some
money for a drink? Bit of lager?

I am the very last person on this
train who would lend you money,
Jeremy.

Currently, the very thing that would
solve all my problems is you dying
of thirst.

Tickets, please.

Yeah, I wasn't meant to be here.
I was just helping him with his
luggage...

Not by request.

And then the doors closed.
I... I've come on the train
by mistake.

Standard single, that's, er, £34.60.

Mark, would you mind?

Yes, I would mind.

Oh, for God's sake, it's 30 quid,
I'll pay you back.

Look, I'm sorry about this,

but this is really between you two
rather than me.

I mean, we're friends,
we live together.

No, we don't.

We're on a weird one. He's got the
money. Ask him why he won't pay.

The situation is perfectly simple.

There's a passenger without a ticket
who refuses to pay for one.

You should remove him
from the train.

She can't throw me off a moving train
in the middle of nowhere!

What if I walk on the tracks?
I might die.

Here's a tip, Jeremy.
Don't walk on the tracks.

I'm going to have to ask you
to leave the train at the next
station.

Great with me,
that's where we're going.

That's your punishment of last
recourse? Free travel?

'Probably off to get him

'a complimentary fare-dodger's
colouring book.'

I can't believe
you're actually thinking of coming.

I need to tell Dobby. I told you,
like an honourable man...

An honourable man would have become
a monk or chopped his nuts off

or gone to Morocco and become
a paedo or a charity worker.

That's as may be,
but by my own code of ethics...

Incredibly shitty ethics.

I think I've done the right thing.

So now I'm going to come with you
and tell Dobby how I feel.

I mean, you've got to admit, me and
Dobby are a better fit than you.

We click.

I haven't heard any clicking.

Oh, the clicking is continuous!

That's why you haven't noticed it.
Click, click, click, click, click.

Well, me and Dobby make a great...

team.

Opposites attract.

No, they don't. Not really.

That's just something that scientists
and people in horrible relationships
say.

I mean, be honest, the things
you always moan about Dobby -

I mean, you know, the DJ bars, the
dope smoking, the poorly arranged
finances -

don't they remind you of someone?

I told you all those quibbles
in a different... era.

You can't use them against me now
in this... kangaroo court of love.

Me and Dobby don't quibble.
You never spend any time together!

Look, I'm really, really serious,
Mark.

I can't see a way out of this.

I think maybe, like... like,
one of us should kill ourselves.

The life coach speaks!

Maybe the reason you think
you're in love with Dobby

is that she's the woman you've been
spending most time with recently.

If you'd spent the same amount of
time with, I don't know, her,
then...

you might fall in love with her
instead.

Do you think I'm some kind of
sex duckling

who'll follow anyone around
who's got breasts and a vagina?

No.

I love Dobby, Mark!

And I know it's true love

because I'm prepared to sacrifice
my closest friendship for it.

I'm going to tell her.

Look, I... I think we need
a cooling-off period.

Just go back to London,

find out what Nancy's up to,
watch some pornos,

have a couple of gay flings
and then, at the end of... two weeks,

if you stil feel the same,
then maybe you can say something.

By which time, you've got her
all married like a trussed-up hog.

If you agree to hold off,

then I could perhaps promise not to
ask Dobby to marry me for a couple
of weeks.

OK. Deal?

Deal.

'Two weeks to find the nicest
ring for under £200.'

OK, mate. Next one to London's
the 12.14. See you later.

Yeah. Actually, thinking about it, I
don't know if I am going to go back.

Hi.

What the fuck?
That was the agreement.

I know. I've just got
this quite strong feeling

you're going to break the agreement
and propose.

- I just said I wouldn't.
- Yeah, I know. The thing is,
I don't trust you.

What if I say you can't?

If you say that, I might be forced
to say something too.

Hey, Dobs.

Hey, Jez.

Er, yeah, I just thought it might be
nice if Jeremy joined us for the
weekend.

Hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, that's... totally fine.

Don't mind me. I'll just be hanging
out, staying close to my buddy here.

Cos we look after each other.

You watch my back, I watch yours.

Isn't that right, dude?

What's going on, Mark?

I'm really sorry,
but I had to bring him.

It turns out there's something
I need to tell you about Jeremy.

I should have told you
a long time ago

but there's a reason why
he's such a dickhead.

Yeah?
It's ironic with the life coaching,

but it turns out he's a drug addict.

I won't be long!
I'll be very quick!

Right, OK.

Also, he can't get an erection
unless he thinks about
something... disgusting.

I don't want to say what.

Plus he thinks he might be gay.
He's 80% certain.

'80, nice. No need to overdo it.'

So he's dealing with that,
which I think is great,

and I'm being very supportive over.

I always thought he might be
a bit gay, but more like 30%,
if I'm honest.

He's incredibly unstable.

So it was either bring him along or
risk getting home to find him, you
know...

Yeah.

Right. It's just...
our special weekend away?

'Change the subject.'

One sugar, Jez?

Yes, please.

I gave him one without sugar the
other day and he got really angry
with himself

and smashed up a CD case
and tried to eat the pieces.

'He'd better not have bloody
said anything or there will be
repercussions.

'Extremely romantic repercussions.'

So...

did I miss anything?

I had half a Scotch egg.

Brilliant.

'I need a wee too,
but I will continue resisting.

'My bladder is not so easily
the master of me, young Jedi.'

Pie, Mark?

No, I'm fine, thanks, Dobs,
but I'll cut you a slice.

'He doesn't want any delicious pie?

'Normally he loves pie. Suspicious.

'Very suspicious.

'He did spend a long time in the
kitchen preparing the picnic.

'Of course! A ring!

'He's smuggled the bloody
engagement ring into the pie!'

Sorry, Dobs, just need to check
something.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm wise to you,
my fine, feathered friend.

'He's gone mad.
Now to stigmatise the mentally ill.'

Apologies. All good.

Great picnic, though, Dobs.

Yeah, it's just a shame Jeremy
put too many olives in the salad.

No, I bloody didn't.

Dobby doesn't like olives. If you
knew her better, you'd know that.

I don't mind them so much
these days.

Yes, you do, you hate them.

Oh, so now you're calling Dobby
a liar. That's charming!

I'm not, I'm saying she's hiding the
truth to be nice. There's a very big
difference.

Look, I really don't mind
about the olives.

See? Mmm! Olives!

Lovely,
Greasy, bitter, horrible olives!

I told you.

She was being sarcastic.
Can't you tell?

Hi, Simon.

'Ugh, Simon.'

Yeah, about 13 olives.

'What part of "ex-boyfriend"
doesn't he understand?'

No, I'm just on a picnic.
I'll spit these olives out, hang on.

This is horrible. Why don't
you go back to London, then?

Oh, so you can ask her to marry
you? That's what we agreed.

Fuck the agreement.

Oh, great, that's brilliant.
Fuck the agreement.

Fuck the Geneva Convention.
Fuck Parliamentary democracy.

Fuck everything.
Is that your great new idea?

You know how weak my powers
of self-control are.

Normally I can't wait five minutes
before having a wank or a spliff
or a chocolate biscuit.

I've restrained myself
for nearly three hours.

That's got to stand for something.
I'm sorry...

but I'm going to tell Dobby
how I feel about her.

OK. Well, in that case,
I'm going to ask her to marry me.

No, you're fucking not!
Yes, I fucking am.

- You can't ask someone
to marry you without a ring.
- Oh, shit, you got me!

Except, no, you totally haven't,
you dickwad. Of course you can.

You can't propose,
it's against the agreement.

The agreement's already broken
because you already broke it!

Oh, fuck you!

Dobby!

No, Jeremy! Dobby!

What the hell are you doing?

That fence is electrified
like a motherfucker.

No, Jeremy.

What?
I know what you're thinking.

Oh, really?
Is this about the bloody olives?

No, Dobby.
It's about something else.

Aaagh!

What the hell did you do that for?

Because, Dobby, there's something
I need to say to... Aagh! Ow!

Will you stop electrocuting
each other?

Hi, Simon.

'What's a step up from electric?

'A nice big stick.'

Oh, we're allowed sticks now,
are we?

It's come down to sticks.
Is that what it's come down to?

As a matter of fact, it has.

Well, how about rocks?

Are rocks invited to the party?

Come on, then. Rock me, Amadeus.
You know you want to.

Yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

"Dobby, the bad man threw
a rock at me."

Mark, if you don't throw that rock at
me, I'm going to hit you with this
stick.

Those are the available options.

Oh, my God, she's gone.
Where's she gone?

Yeah, good one.
Distract me, then crush my skull.

I'm not falling for that one,
old friend.

Dobby?

Dobby!

'Fucking hell!'

Shit.

See? She's gone.
You've driven her off. Happy now?!

Ow!

You were asking for that, Jez.

Don't tell me you weren't,
because you know you were!

Dobby!

Please be Dobby.

Oh, fuck. What?

She's flying to New York tonight
with Simon.

She's...

She's taking the job.

"Was hoping this weekend

"would be a chance to make up
after all the weirdness."

She means you spying on her.
You've fucked it, you idiot.

'No, I bloody haven't.'

"But clearly the fact
that you brought J..." - Jeremy -

"...proves that you can't handle
intimacy." You've fucked it, not me.

Hang on, why does it say here
that I'm 80% gay?

I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to
steal Dobby and electrocuting me

and destroying my fucking pie!

Dobby!

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