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♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well
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00:00:05,317 --> 00:00:08,356
♪ And I'm so hot
3
00:00:08,357 --> 00:00:12,156
♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
5
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:19,519
'Don't look at Dobby.
6
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,299
'Don't even think about Dobby.
7
00:00:21,323 --> 00:00:23,742
'If I don't look at Dobby,
I can't be in love with her.
8
00:00:23,743 --> 00:00:25,122
'Just focus on the game.
9
00:00:25,204 --> 00:00:28,263
'Beat Mark's nephew.
Lovely, calming beating.'
10
00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,746
'Tilt and squeeze. Don't be a hero.'
11
00:00:30,747 --> 00:00:34,426
Mark, you do realise you've been
opening that for almost 15 minutes?
12
00:00:34,427 --> 00:00:37,266
Just because I'm very carefully
easing open the cava
13
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:38,827
doesn't mean I'm not celebrating.
14
00:00:38,870 --> 00:00:40,989
It's not how Formula One
drivers do it, is it?
15
00:00:40,990 --> 00:00:43,229
If those drivers bought
the champagne themselves
16
00:00:43,230 --> 00:00:45,989
and were responsible for cleaning up
the podium afterwards,
17
00:00:45,990 --> 00:00:47,829
I suspect this is
very much how they'd do it.
18
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:50,269
'Anyway, I've only been promoted
to travelling salesman,
19
00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:52,029
'I haven't won the Japanese Grand Prix,
20
00:00:52,030 --> 00:00:53,949
'although that's probably
a damn sight easier
21
00:00:53,950 --> 00:00:55,390
than getting Dobby to move in here.'
22
00:00:56,395 --> 00:00:57,514
Er, are you OK?
23
00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,914
Shit. That was a bad one.
24
00:00:59,915 --> 00:01:02,714
I think it's the damp in your wall.
25
00:01:02,715 --> 00:01:06,514
Uh-huh. Nothing to do with the bongs
you and Jeremy are always smoking?
26
00:01:06,515 --> 00:01:08,434
What are you, the cannabis police?
27
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:11,754
Well, no, that would come under
the remit of the actual police.
28
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,954
Seriously, I don't think I can move
in till you get the damp sorted out.
29
00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:17,154
Now I don't need
to get out of playing hockey,
30
00:01:17,155 --> 00:01:19,074
asthma attacks are really no use to me.
31
00:01:19,075 --> 00:01:22,234
Of course. Of course,
I understand completely.
32
00:01:22,235 --> 00:01:24,914
'Could she be faking asthma
to avoid moving in with me?
33
00:01:24,915 --> 00:01:26,834
'There's only one way to find out,
34
00:01:26,835 --> 00:01:29,354
'aside from a series
of rigorous medical tests.'
35
00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:31,754
Tell you what, I'll call
the freehold committee,
36
00:01:31,755 --> 00:01:33,074
ask them to pay for the repairs.
37
00:01:33,075 --> 00:01:35,034
Oh, contacting a committee for me!
38
00:01:35,035 --> 00:01:36,474
That's so romantic.
39
00:01:36,475 --> 00:01:38,154
I'd e-mail a thousand councils
40
00:01:38,155 --> 00:01:40,834
and petition a million
quangos for you, Dobby.
41
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:43,274
That's probably the plot
of the next Twilight film.
42
00:01:43,275 --> 00:01:47,274
And once the damp patch is sorted,
it's, "Bonjour, chez Dobby."
43
00:01:47,435 --> 00:01:49,034
Has Jeremy found a place, then?
44
00:01:49,035 --> 00:01:50,074
Er...
45
00:01:50,075 --> 00:01:51,634
Well, he will do. Very soon.
46
00:01:51,635 --> 00:01:53,994
He's started clearing out his
stuff tonight, actually.
47
00:01:53,995 --> 00:01:56,074
He's playing Street Fighter II
with your nephew.
48
00:01:56,075 --> 00:01:58,474
Well, he was clearing it
out, until he found that thing.
49
00:01:58,475 --> 00:02:00,714
But he really means it this time.
50
00:02:00,715 --> 00:02:03,794
He's already thrown out his collection
of limited-edition Tango cans.
51
00:02:03,795 --> 00:02:06,634
'And from the way he cried
over every can,
52
00:02:06,635 --> 00:02:10,634
'shifting him is going to be
fucking murder.'
53
00:02:10,915 --> 00:02:12,634
- Would you care to...?
- Where's Dobby?
54
00:02:12,635 --> 00:02:13,674
Gone.
55
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:16,474
'Thank God. As you were, eyes. You
can look away from the TV again.'
56
00:02:16,475 --> 00:02:18,474
- What's this for?
- To toast my promotion.
57
00:02:18,475 --> 00:02:22,194
Say hello to the new travelling sales
rep for Baths, Bathrooms & Fittings!
58
00:02:22,195 --> 00:02:24,754
How can you be a travelling sales
rep? You can't drive.
59
00:02:24,755 --> 00:02:26,834
You can get places without
cars, you know.
60
00:02:26,835 --> 00:02:30,514
This nation was made great by its
network of railway and canals.
61
00:02:30,515 --> 00:02:33,914
Oh, I see, you're going to go
by barge. That's a good idea.
62
00:02:33,915 --> 00:02:37,314
Well, no, it'll mostly be buses
and trains. I'll be fine.
63
00:02:37,315 --> 00:02:41,114
They've given me a sat nav. And to
Dobby moving in this weekend.
64
00:02:41,115 --> 00:02:42,834
This weekend?
65
00:02:42,835 --> 00:02:45,954
The wheels are in motion,
the lorry of fate is...
66
00:02:45,955 --> 00:02:47,634
driving into you, Jez. I'm sorry.
67
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,994
So this is... an ultimatum.
68
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:52,874
Of course not! It's much more
friendly than that. If anything,
69
00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:54,314
it's an ulti-matey.
70
00:02:57,235 --> 00:02:58,434
Hi, Jeremy.
71
00:02:58,435 --> 00:02:59,874
Oh, hi. What's up?
72
00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:01,994
Have you been crying?
It's not my fault, is it?
73
00:03:01,995 --> 00:03:03,194
Nick and I broke up.
74
00:03:03,195 --> 00:03:05,154
'OK, I have no idea who Nick is.'
75
00:03:05,155 --> 00:03:08,114
Oh, shit. Come here.
76
00:03:08,115 --> 00:03:10,114
'You feel bad, so I feel
you. Classic.'
77
00:03:10,115 --> 00:03:12,714
I decided it was time to tell him
I had a son cos he was saying
78
00:03:12,715 --> 00:03:14,354
he likes his niece -
he's got a niece...
79
00:03:14,355 --> 00:03:16,834
and then he just went all quiet
and said really calmly,
80
00:03:16,835 --> 00:03:19,434
"Well, Sarah, I'm afraid
in that case I'm out,"
81
00:03:19,435 --> 00:03:21,834
like he was fucking Duncan Bannatyne.
82
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,674
Tch! Do you want some cava?
83
00:03:24,675 --> 00:03:27,074
Yes, please, Jeremy.
Thanks for being so sweet.
84
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:28,514
'Of course,
85
00:03:28,515 --> 00:03:30,954
'Mark's sister.
She's got nice, sad eyes
86
00:03:30,955 --> 00:03:32,914
'and is all vulnerable and huggy.
87
00:03:32,915 --> 00:03:34,874
'Forget Dobby. Dobby's gone.
88
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:36,674
'Sarah's here now.
89
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:39,914
'I mean, I shouldn't just take the first
thing that comes along, unless...
90
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:42,314
'maybe it's fate. Good old fate.
91
00:03:42,315 --> 00:03:45,394
'It does the hard work
so you don't have to.
92
00:03:45,395 --> 00:03:47,194
'Or am I thinking of Flash?'
93
00:03:47,195 --> 00:03:48,554
Very damp.
94
00:03:48,555 --> 00:03:50,594
Yes, it's sodden.
95
00:03:50,595 --> 00:03:51,954
Sodden.
96
00:03:51,955 --> 00:03:53,634
It just means "very damp".
97
00:03:53,635 --> 00:03:54,674
Yes.
98
00:03:54,675 --> 00:03:57,394
Well, I'll need to show the committee
as soon as possible.
99
00:03:57,395 --> 00:04:00,754
Er, sorry, one second, Ben.
What is it?
100
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:03,114
Great news, Mark.
I've found a new place to live.
101
00:04:03,115 --> 00:04:05,034
Oh! Fantastic.
102
00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:09,034
That's so quick. How did you manage
to find somewhere so...
103
00:04:09,235 --> 00:04:13,034
Oh, right.
104
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,874
So, is this table going, then?
105
00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:16,754
Er, no, that's Mark's as well.
106
00:04:16,755 --> 00:04:19,914
Right. So, what actually
is yours, then? It's not just
107
00:04:19,915 --> 00:04:23,274
these bags of clothes, the case of
porn and the MiniDisc player, is it?
108
00:04:23,275 --> 00:04:24,954
Oh, no, I mean, there's more.
109
00:04:24,955 --> 00:04:26,994
There'd better be.
I blagged a lorry, mate.
110
00:04:26,995 --> 00:04:28,754
So, where are all your MiniDiscs?
111
00:04:28,755 --> 00:04:31,594
Well, I put all my vinyl on
MiniDisc in the Noughties
112
00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:35,194
and then... threw away the
MiniDiscs in the Teenies.
113
00:04:35,195 --> 00:04:38,874
'How can that be all my stuff?
Why is everything Mark's?'
114
00:04:38,875 --> 00:04:40,154
Jez, mate, what else is there?
115
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,394
These chairs are mine.
116
00:04:41,395 --> 00:04:45,394
'Fuck you, Mark. If you're going to hump
Dobby, I'm going to hump your chairs.'
117
00:04:47,675 --> 00:04:50,394
'This is appalling.
Three trains, four buses
118
00:04:50,395 --> 00:04:54,194
'and a cab, anywhere between two and
five hours, depending on waiting times.
119
00:04:54,195 --> 00:04:56,794
'How is it this complicated
to go to an industrial estate
120
00:04:56,795 --> 00:04:59,954
'in Lutterworth? I feel like I'm
trying to get to fucking Mordor.'
121
00:04:59,955 --> 00:05:01,674
'In 100 yards, turn left.'
122
00:05:01,675 --> 00:05:03,554
Oh, God, no. Shut up!
123
00:05:03,555 --> 00:05:05,274
'Turn left.'
124
00:05:05,275 --> 00:05:06,554
'Turn around where possible.'
125
00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:07,914
I don't know how to turn it down!
126
00:05:07,915 --> 00:05:11,914
'Make a U-turn. Make a U-turn.'
127
00:05:12,235 --> 00:05:16,074
And I'm here, the Emerald City,
only 24 minutes late.
128
00:05:16,075 --> 00:05:17,274
Mark Corrigan?
129
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,954
Er, yes. Er, hi.
130
00:05:18,955 --> 00:05:20,034
Alan McGurnagee.
131
00:05:20,035 --> 00:05:21,194
So, I said to your guys
132
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,034
I'm not looking for new models
at the moment,
133
00:05:23,035 --> 00:05:25,594
but they said they'd send you
just in case, so...
134
00:05:25,595 --> 00:05:26,714
what is it you've got?
135
00:05:26,715 --> 00:05:28,714
Er...
136
00:05:28,715 --> 00:05:30,234
Right.
137
00:05:30,235 --> 00:05:32,954
Yes.
138
00:05:32,955 --> 00:05:35,954
That towel rail is particularly sturdy.
139
00:05:35,955 --> 00:05:38,434
Not for me, thanks, Mark.
Cheers for coming.
140
00:05:38,435 --> 00:05:39,794
Hope the drive wasn't too bad.
141
00:05:39,795 --> 00:05:43,794
'Three trains, four buses
and a big "fuck you".'
142
00:05:43,955 --> 00:05:46,594
T-shirt on a coat hanger.
I am living the dream.
143
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:47,834
Jeremy?
144
00:05:47,835 --> 00:05:49,234
Hey, honey, you're home!
145
00:05:49,235 --> 00:05:51,914
'This is so great. She'll probably
want sex right now.
146
00:05:51,915 --> 00:05:54,794
'That'll be how I'm paying rent.
I'm an actual rent boy.
147
00:05:54,795 --> 00:05:56,354
'Why didn't I do this before?
148
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:59,034
Listen, I've got a bit of work to
do, so can you make dinner...
149
00:05:59,035 --> 00:06:01,034
not pasta -
and then play chess with Joshy?
150
00:06:01,035 --> 00:06:02,794
- Yes. Great.
- Do you know chess?
151
00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:04,234
I know of it.
152
00:06:04,235 --> 00:06:05,874
It's squares, isn't it?
153
00:06:05,875 --> 00:06:07,114
Google it.
154
00:06:07,115 --> 00:06:08,794
Cool. Will do. Great.
155
00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:12,674
'OK, that's fine, the sex comes
later. I'm still bossing this.
156
00:06:12,675 --> 00:06:15,874
'I get to just learn chess
and practise cooking for free!
157
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,874
'I'm exploiting the shit
out of her, the poor fool.'
158
00:06:20,595 --> 00:06:22,794
Sorry I'm late. A million apologies.
159
00:06:22,795 --> 00:06:25,834
'Old Mother Hubbard
and Captain Cardigan.
160
00:06:25,835 --> 00:06:29,194
'Is this the freehold committee?
This'll be a breeze!'
161
00:06:29,195 --> 00:06:30,314
I'll let us in.
162
00:06:30,315 --> 00:06:32,834
'Operation New Wall starts now.
163
00:06:32,835 --> 00:06:35,114
'Oh, hang on. Brilliant... Gail.
164
00:06:35,115 --> 00:06:37,434
'The only person who hates
me more than my father.
165
00:06:37,435 --> 00:06:39,754
'This isn't a breeze,
it's a mega-shitstorm.'
166
00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:40,994
Take a, um...
167
00:06:40,995 --> 00:06:43,794
'And my chairs have all gone.
Perfect.'
168
00:06:43,795 --> 00:06:45,434
Where are the chairs?
169
00:06:45,435 --> 00:06:47,434
Er, take the sofa. I'll stand.
170
00:06:47,435 --> 00:06:49,314
'Hm, this might be OK.
171
00:06:49,315 --> 00:06:50,514
'I feel tall, dominant,
172
00:06:50,515 --> 00:06:51,754
like a mighty oak.'
173
00:06:51,755 --> 00:06:52,914
This won't take long.
174
00:06:52,915 --> 00:06:55,874
You can't have new walls, Mark. That's
not what the sinking fund is for.
175
00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:59,154
Yes, well, thanks for that, Gail, but I
did actually only ask Ben to look at it,
176
00:06:59,155 --> 00:07:01,434
so I don't even know why you're here.
177
00:07:01,435 --> 00:07:04,674
- Have you got any biscuits?
- What? No.
178
00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:08,674
OK, look, Ben, the wall needs
to go. It's as wet as a...
179
00:07:08,835 --> 00:07:10,434
'What's the phrase for wet things?
180
00:07:10,435 --> 00:07:12,834
'Not "eagle".
That doesn't work.
181
00:07:12,835 --> 00:07:14,954
'I must be able to think of a
single object
182
00:07:14,955 --> 00:07:16,634
'other than an eagle. Please!'
183
00:07:16,635 --> 00:07:17,714
eagle.
184
00:07:17,715 --> 00:07:19,434
"As wet as an eagle"?
185
00:07:19,435 --> 00:07:21,954
It really is.
186
00:07:21,955 --> 00:07:23,154
I've got asthma.
187
00:07:23,155 --> 00:07:26,834
I actually find it really difficult to
sleep here sometimes because of it.
188
00:07:26,835 --> 00:07:28,834
Well, break up with him, then.
189
00:07:28,835 --> 00:07:31,154
Look, Ben, I need to dip
into the sinking fund.
190
00:07:31,155 --> 00:07:32,274
No, absolutely not.
191
00:07:32,275 --> 00:07:35,034
We can't do anything, Mark, till the
new chairman's been elected.
192
00:07:35,035 --> 00:07:36,314
Are you not the chairman?
193
00:07:36,315 --> 00:07:37,674
Ben stood down last month.
194
00:07:37,675 --> 00:07:39,834
So who's in charge now?
195
00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:41,914
We're actually looking
for a new chairperson,
196
00:07:41,915 --> 00:07:43,674
if you were interested in running...?
197
00:07:43,675 --> 00:07:46,354
Oh, well, not sure, really.
198
00:07:46,355 --> 00:07:49,394
'Darn fucking tootin' I'm going
to run! And I'm going to win.
199
00:07:49,395 --> 00:07:51,394
'Dobby'll love that.
Women love power.
200
00:07:51,395 --> 00:07:52,834
'Just look at Clinton.
201
00:07:52,835 --> 00:07:56,234
'I'll be like
a very faithful Clinton.'
202
00:07:56,235 --> 00:08:00,234
'God, two toilet stops and
mind-melting kiddy music.
203
00:08:00,275 --> 00:08:02,514
'Why couldn't he have just left
Joshy home alone?
204
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,834
'According to the films, he'd have
been absolutely fine.'
205
00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:08,834
I appreciate the lift, but it really
is insufficient payment for my chairs.
206
00:08:08,915 --> 00:08:10,794
You stole my chairs.
You have to return them.
207
00:08:11,835 --> 00:08:14,594
And find yourself somewhere proper to
live, while you're at it.
208
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:15,914
What's that supposed to mean?
209
00:08:15,915 --> 00:08:18,354
Stop leeching off my sister
while she's such a wreck.
210
00:08:18,355 --> 00:08:20,394
I'm not a leech, Mark. And if I am,
211
00:08:20,395 --> 00:08:22,954
I'm one of the good ones that
cured diseases in the olden days.
212
00:08:22,955 --> 00:08:25,314
Leeches never cured
anyone of anything, Jeremy.
213
00:08:25,315 --> 00:08:27,994
Well, what do you expect?
They're leeches, not bloody doctors.
214
00:08:27,995 --> 00:08:30,394
You don't have to live with
a Corrigan, you realise.
215
00:08:30,395 --> 00:08:32,474
You don't only survive
on Corrigan blood.
216
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:37,234
God! That'll be Mad Andy. He's figured
out he's got abandonment issues.
217
00:08:37,235 --> 00:08:39,274
Well, are you going to take it?
218
00:08:39,275 --> 00:08:40,114
Nah.
219
00:08:41,315 --> 00:08:44,514
Hey, there's loads about sales and
shit in life coaching, you know, Mark.
220
00:08:44,515 --> 00:08:47,594
The key thing is to not accept
negativity.
221
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,914
So it's like I don't hear
the word "no" any more,
222
00:08:49,915 --> 00:08:51,754
I hear, "Convince me."
223
00:08:51,755 --> 00:08:55,074
Well, if that's true, Jeremy, you'll
end up in prison for sexual assault.
224
00:08:55,075 --> 00:08:58,394
Or you just say celebrities are doing
it, whatever it is. That always works.
225
00:08:58,395 --> 00:09:00,274
'Since Johnny Rotten started doing
Country Life,
226
00:09:00,275 --> 00:09:03,634
'I've been buttering
like a bastard.'
227
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:04,954
'Buy it.
228
00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:07,194
'Please buy it. It's a tap. You
sell taps.
229
00:09:07,195 --> 00:09:08,434
'Please, please buy it.'
230
00:09:08,435 --> 00:09:09,914
Don't like this one.
231
00:09:09,915 --> 00:09:11,154
Right. So, um...
232
00:09:11,155 --> 00:09:12,594
interestingly...
233
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,714
'Come on, think of a
celebrity... Um...
234
00:09:14,715 --> 00:09:16,274
'Not the Queen. That's too obvious.'
235
00:09:16,275 --> 00:09:17,714
Jools Holland has got that one.
236
00:09:17,715 --> 00:09:19,394
I think it's a no. Thank you.
237
00:09:19,395 --> 00:09:21,314
Right. No probs.
238
00:09:21,315 --> 00:09:22,354
Oh, cool!
239
00:09:22,355 --> 00:09:23,794
What are these? Are they for sale?
240
00:09:23,795 --> 00:09:24,914
'Oh, no, what's he doing?'
241
00:09:24,915 --> 00:09:28,354
I'm looking for some taps for my new
bathroom, and I love these.
242
00:09:28,355 --> 00:09:29,874
They're not actually for sale.
243
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:33,234
Oh. That's a real shame,
cos I like them... a lot,
244
00:09:33,235 --> 00:09:35,154
as would all of my friends
and colleagues.
245
00:09:35,155 --> 00:09:36,954
I think Mark Ronson
has ones like these.
246
00:09:36,955 --> 00:09:38,234
Really? I didn't know that.
247
00:09:38,235 --> 00:09:40,554
'Mark Ronson?
Of course, he's cool.
248
00:09:40,555 --> 00:09:41,794
'Say someone else cool.'
249
00:09:41,795 --> 00:09:44,194
And... Werner Herzog's
got them as well.
250
00:09:44,195 --> 00:09:46,354
They're amazing. I want them.
251
00:09:46,355 --> 00:09:49,114
I mean, we do have a lot of taps
that look like these ones.
252
00:09:49,115 --> 00:09:51,394
No, no, no, it has to be these
ones. These exact ones.
253
00:09:51,395 --> 00:09:52,474
Can I buy them?
254
00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:54,634
Um, yes. Just give me two minutes.
255
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,354
Mark, do you want to follow me?
256
00:09:56,355 --> 00:09:59,514
'I am such a good friend.
And person.
257
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:00,834
'But I still get the glare!
258
00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:04,834
'I'd probably still get the glare
if I gave him one of my kidneys.'
259
00:10:06,435 --> 00:10:06,954
Well?
260
00:10:06,955 --> 00:10:08,394
Well?
I sold 300 units.
261
00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:09,114
Amazing!
262
00:10:09,115 --> 00:10:10,514
But fraudulently.
263
00:10:10,515 --> 00:10:13,834
I'm basically the Bernie
Madoff of bathroom retail.
264
00:10:13,835 --> 00:10:16,474
I think I'm going
to puke pure adrenaline.
265
00:10:16,475 --> 00:10:18,034
Is he the guy that rides the ostrich?
266
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,794
No, that's Bernie Clifton.
Madoff is...
267
00:10:19,795 --> 00:10:23,514
Well, if you replace the ostrich
with the NASDAQ share index,
268
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:26,194
you're basically there.
He's a dirty crook! As am I.
269
00:10:26,195 --> 00:10:27,554
"Thanks" would have been nice.
270
00:10:27,555 --> 00:10:30,354
'Right, yes, "Thank you for making me
commit fraud."
271
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:32,874
'Oddly, I haven't seen that
card in WH Smith's.'
272
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:35,434
'Oh, please. Oh, God, no.'
273
00:10:37,075 --> 00:10:38,554
Well, keep pushing!
274
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,154
Yeah, we are!
275
00:10:40,155 --> 00:10:41,714
Uncle Mark, I need the loo!
276
00:10:41,715 --> 00:10:44,714
Yeah, just push for now,
Joshy, there's a good lad.
277
00:10:44,715 --> 00:10:47,834
'Is it OK to make a
five-year-old boy push a car?
278
00:10:47,835 --> 00:10:49,594
'It's character-building,
probably.
279
00:10:49,595 --> 00:10:51,354
'But he is on the exhaust side...
280
00:10:51,355 --> 00:10:54,554
'I'll swap in a bit. That's fair,
although he has got young lungs.'
281
00:10:54,555 --> 00:10:56,554
Mark? You left your...
282
00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:57,634
Mark, keep pushing.
283
00:10:57,635 --> 00:10:59,314
Sorry, what...
284
00:10:59,315 --> 00:11:01,034
Do you two know each other?
285
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:04,154
Quickly, Mark, let's go!
We've been rumbled!
286
00:11:04,155 --> 00:11:06,155
"Let's go"?! Where,
Jeremy, you bloody idiot?
287
00:11:06,156 --> 00:11:08,154
We can't start the pissing car.
288
00:11:11,595 --> 00:11:13,034
Thanks a lot, mate.
289
00:11:13,035 --> 00:11:16,834
And apologies again
for... grifting you.
290
00:11:16,835 --> 00:11:17,914
I don't suppose
291
00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:21,834
you could maybe not mention it to
Robert at Baths, Bathrooms & Fittings?
292
00:11:21,835 --> 00:11:24,474
'Great, Joshy's doing a poo
in a display toilet.
293
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,714
'The final indignity.'
294
00:11:25,715 --> 00:11:28,034
OK, fine.
We'll keep this between us.
295
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:31,274
Thanks. Thanks so much.
296
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:33,587
'Not letting you turn
round yet, old friend.
297
00:11:33,588 --> 00:11:35,899
This handshake's only just beginning.'
298
00:11:36,902 --> 00:11:40,261
OK freehold committee, prepare
to meet your new leader.
299
00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:42,095
I honestly think I've nailed this.
300
00:11:42,104 --> 00:11:45,603
I've got this great riff about bees
and their role within the hive
301
00:11:45,662 --> 00:11:48,421
that I think's really gonna speak
to people. Everybody loves bees.
302
00:11:48,437 --> 00:11:51,476
Yeah, great, just make sure you
mention the door to the bins thing.
303
00:11:51,553 --> 00:11:53,112
That lock is a massive ball ache.
304
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,312
'A new bolt lock, blimey.
305
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:57,592
'That's probably the kind of shit
Nick Clegg asks Cameron for.'
306
00:11:57,593 --> 00:12:00,312
So we have three candidates
for chairperson.
307
00:12:00,313 --> 00:12:02,432
Each will say just a few words about
themselves.
308
00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:05,312
Please let's make them all feel
very welcome.
309
00:12:05,313 --> 00:12:09,312
Firstly Mo Gattlen from flat 23.
310
00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:12,192
I'll do it if you like.
311
00:12:12,193 --> 00:12:15,392
'Hmm, might have overcooked this
a bit.'
312
00:12:15,393 --> 00:12:17,632
Next, Gail Huggins, flat 16.
313
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:21,632
Thanks, Ben.
314
00:12:21,833 --> 00:12:24,232
Hi, my name's Gail, I've been on
the committee four years.
315
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:28,192
I know how it all works and I'll do
my best to continue Ben's work.
316
00:12:28,193 --> 00:12:32,192
'Yep, definitely overcooked it.'
317
00:12:32,353 --> 00:12:35,432
And finally, Mark Corrigan, flat five.
318
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:39,432
'Well, those are the starters, get.
Ready for a fucking beef wellington.'
319
00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:45,472
As my Latin namesake Marcus Aurelius
said,
320
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:49,472
"That which is not good for the bee
hive cannot be good for the bees."
321
00:12:51,913 --> 00:12:53,872
And like bees, we have an equal duty
322
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:57,872
to maintain and protect our home,
or hive.
323
00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,432
We've not got that long, Mark.
324
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,632
Oh, OK. How long exactly do we...?
325
00:13:03,633 --> 00:13:06,512
We're finishing at seven.
326
00:13:06,513 --> 00:13:10,512
OK, I can skip some of this.
327
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:16,032
Sorry, hang on, let me just...
328
00:13:19,353 --> 00:13:22,792
In conclusion then, I promise to
give us all a chance
329
00:13:22,793 --> 00:13:24,872
to dip our fingers into the honey pot
330
00:13:24,873 --> 00:13:27,792
and make the vital repairs to our hive
331
00:13:27,793 --> 00:13:30,792
that the current cartel of
self-interested drones
332
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,112
have consistently blocked.
333
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:37,112
My name is Mark Corrigan
and I... am an honourable man.
334
00:13:38,753 --> 00:13:40,632
Bins, Mark, bins.
335
00:13:40,633 --> 00:13:44,632
And I promise to sort out the stiff
bolt on the door of the bin store.
336
00:13:49,513 --> 00:13:51,712
Can I eat my dinner now, please?
337
00:13:51,713 --> 00:13:55,432
Well, let's ask. Do you want
the man to stop dancing, Joshy?
338
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:56,592
Keep going, Jeremy.
339
00:13:56,593 --> 00:13:59,592
'Am I even dancing any more? It's
hard to tell without music on.'
340
00:13:59,593 --> 00:14:02,312
How's your food, Joshy?
Did Mummy do well?
341
00:14:02,313 --> 00:14:04,432
Yes, Mummy's doing very well.
342
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:08,272
Do you like the man Mummy got us?
He's funny, isn't he?
343
00:14:08,273 --> 00:14:09,912
Yes, he's very funny.
344
00:14:10,513 --> 00:14:14,512
'I'm a toy boy in the
sense that I am a toy for a boy.'
345
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:16,032
Hi, Jez.
346
00:14:16,033 --> 00:14:17,272
Oh, hi.
347
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,432
Hello, Uncle Mark.
348
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:21,072
Hi, Joshy...
349
00:14:21,073 --> 00:14:25,072
So looks like I'm the new Apollo
House freehold committee chairman.
350
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,512
Hey, here's to Chairman Mark...
351
00:14:27,513 --> 00:14:30,192
or Chairman Malc... Chairmark Mao.
352
00:14:30,193 --> 00:14:33,552
Let's hope my aggressive land reforms
don't lead to widespread famine.
353
00:14:33,553 --> 00:14:34,992
What do you mean famine?
354
00:14:34,993 --> 00:14:37,472
I was referencing some of
Chairman Mao's policies.
355
00:14:37,473 --> 00:14:39,512
I don't know how much
you know about him.
356
00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:41,432
I know his name. Right.
357
00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:43,752
Mark, if you plan to use Jez
as a driver again,
358
00:14:43,753 --> 00:14:47,272
then you have to check his Google
calendar first to see if he's free.
359
00:14:47,273 --> 00:14:49,672
- Ooh, have I got a calendar?
- Yes, will do.
360
00:14:49,673 --> 00:14:52,832
Write any requests in blue. If I
OK them I'll change them to green.
361
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:53,912
Gotcha.
362
00:14:53,913 --> 00:14:55,072
Can I see my calendar?
363
00:14:55,073 --> 00:14:55,672
No need, babe.
364
00:14:57,073 --> 00:14:58,792
Oh... What?
365
00:14:58,793 --> 00:15:00,512
"Babe"? Going well then, is it?
366
00:15:00,513 --> 00:15:03,352
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great.
She's great, it's all great.
367
00:15:03,353 --> 00:15:05,312
But there is this one thing.
368
00:15:05,313 --> 00:15:07,552
You want to have sex with thousands
of other people?
369
00:15:07,553 --> 00:15:11,552
Not that. It's just that her tastes
have changed a bit in the bedroom.
370
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:15,072
Yeah, I probably definitely don't
want to hear about this whatsoever.
371
00:15:15,073 --> 00:15:18,832
I'm cool with S&M,
and obviously if she wants to be S
372
00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:22,272
then I have to be M.
I mean, we can't both be the M.
373
00:15:22,273 --> 00:15:23,352
I don't want to know.
374
00:15:23,353 --> 00:15:25,832
I think it's cos of Fifty Shades
of Grey.
375
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,552
I think reading that has made
her very horny
376
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:31,072
but at the same time very angry.
377
00:15:31,073 --> 00:15:34,552
Right, I'm not sure it counts as
S&M if it's not consensual.
378
00:15:34,553 --> 00:15:36,672
Oh, you're the S&M expert
all of a sudden, are you?
379
00:15:36,673 --> 00:15:39,032
Mr I'm So Scared Of Women Touching
My Arsehole
380
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:40,672
I Pretend It's Really Ticklish?
381
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,192
It is really ticklish.
382
00:15:42,193 --> 00:15:44,752
For fuck's sake! Simon was meant
to take Joshy on the weekend
383
00:15:44,753 --> 00:15:48,072
and now he's going to Chicago,
the utter bastard.
384
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:50,312
'Nice one, Simon, that's me getting hit
385
00:15:50,313 --> 00:15:54,312
'with a selection of objects all
fucking night.'
386
00:15:54,473 --> 00:15:56,792
As a representative of this store,
387
00:15:56,793 --> 00:15:59,792
everything you do on the road comes
straight back to me.
388
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,672
'God, I would love to pop that spot.
389
00:16:02,673 --> 00:16:06,672
'Just put a hot flannel on there and
then crack that mother wide open.
390
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:09,792
'That would be a great night in
for me.'
391
00:16:09,793 --> 00:16:11,032
Are you listening, Mark?
392
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:14,032
Yes, sir, of course,
and I want to apologise.
393
00:16:14,033 --> 00:16:16,512
The fact is, Robert, it was my
driver's idea.
394
00:16:16,513 --> 00:16:20,512
He very much started grifting
without my say-so.
395
00:16:20,593 --> 00:16:22,592
I was barely involved.
396
00:16:22,593 --> 00:16:23,832
Started what, sorry?
397
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,312
Conning Mr Franks, who said he
wouldn't tell you,
398
00:16:26,313 --> 00:16:30,312
but... well, clearly he has.
399
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:33,072
Right, cos I got a call from
Alan Magernagey at Lutterworth
400
00:16:33,073 --> 00:16:34,832
about you leaving a number
401
00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:37,032
of editions of some book you've
written,
402
00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:41,032
Business something of the
Pharaohs, in display toilets.
403
00:16:41,073 --> 00:16:42,232
'Bollocks!'
404
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:43,872
I haven't heard from Dave Franks.
405
00:16:43,873 --> 00:16:45,432
Yes. Um...
406
00:16:45,433 --> 00:16:47,552
'Great work, Mark.
No need for the Water Board,
407
00:16:47,553 --> 00:16:49,232
'just show me the poppable
whitehead.'
408
00:16:50,073 --> 00:16:52,592
Did you try and con Dave Franks?
409
00:16:52,593 --> 00:16:54,552
Can you just give me a second,
please, Robert?
410
00:16:54,553 --> 00:16:56,472
Hello.
411
00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:59,432
They're saying they can either do it
now or it'll be another six weeks.
412
00:16:59,433 --> 00:17:01,112
'Six weeks for a new wall?!'
413
00:17:01,113 --> 00:17:03,352
I need her to move in quicker
than six weeks.
414
00:17:03,353 --> 00:17:05,912
They're saying it'll cost 9,000
plus VAT.
415
00:17:05,913 --> 00:17:07,552
£10,800?
416
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,232
'That is fantastic maths.'
417
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:11,112
It was supposed to be about 700 quid.
418
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,152
I can't spend that. That's
virtually the entire sinking fund.
419
00:17:14,153 --> 00:17:15,552
Hang on. Robert, hi.
420
00:17:15,553 --> 00:17:18,112
Yeah, I just spoke to Dave Franks.
421
00:17:18,113 --> 00:17:20,672
Apparently you and another bloke
tried to swindle him
422
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,952
and then one of
you did a shit in a display toilet.
423
00:17:22,953 --> 00:17:24,693
That wasn't us, there was
also a five-year-old boy.
424
00:17:24,694 --> 00:17:26,432
He didn't mention a boy.
425
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:30,432
There honestly was one. The shit
will be child-sized, if you ask him.
426
00:17:30,433 --> 00:17:31,752
I'm not asking him that.
427
00:17:31,753 --> 00:17:34,912
OK. Am I fired?
428
00:17:34,913 --> 00:17:37,432
- Yes.
- Right.
429
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:40,552
I'm approving it, it's coming
out of the sinking fund.
430
00:17:40,553 --> 00:17:44,552
I'm the chairman and I'll transfer
the money in five.
431
00:17:45,433 --> 00:17:46,552
Hold the lift, please.
432
00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:47,872
Right, yes.
433
00:17:47,873 --> 00:17:49,952
'Do I look like a bloody bell boy?
434
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:53,912
'Although maybe that could be my new
job, a freelance bell boy.'
435
00:17:53,913 --> 00:17:55,632
Oh, it's the honourable man.
436
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,152
Yes, hello...
437
00:17:57,153 --> 00:17:59,792
'Don't say Mother Hubbard,
don't say Mother Hubbard.'
438
00:17:59,793 --> 00:18:01,912
deary.
439
00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:03,712
You're just what this place needs,
you know,
440
00:18:03,713 --> 00:18:06,912
someone to stop the rot,
fix the broken tiles...
441
00:18:06,913 --> 00:18:09,192
'Yes, can't really do any of that,
though,
442
00:18:09,193 --> 00:18:13,032
'cos I've spunked the sinking fund
within 24 hours of leadership.'
443
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:16,992
All great suggestions, but, having
looked at the accounts,
444
00:18:16,993 --> 00:18:20,832
I think it's better
if we actually don't do that
445
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,112
and just keep it for emergencies.
446
00:18:23,113 --> 00:18:25,352
Oh! Right...
447
00:18:25,353 --> 00:18:27,592
'And by "emergencies",
I presumably mean
448
00:18:27,593 --> 00:18:30,552
'things that really matter, like if
my DVD player stops working
449
00:18:30,553 --> 00:18:32,872
'or if I really want a Nando's.
450
00:18:32,873 --> 00:18:34,392
'God, what have I become?
451
00:18:34,393 --> 00:18:38,352
'I'm Mobutu, gilding my royal palace
while my people starve
452
00:18:38,353 --> 00:18:40,392
'in their squalid, AIDS-y
townships.
453
00:18:40,393 --> 00:18:42,632
'Maybe Mobutu did it all
for his girlfriend.'
454
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:43,792
Hey, flatmate!
455
00:18:43,793 --> 00:18:46,312
'Back from the dead,
the zombie flatmate,
456
00:18:46,313 --> 00:18:48,352
'come to eat my brains
and my Cheddar.'
457
00:18:48,353 --> 00:18:49,392
I've had a big think
458
00:18:49,393 --> 00:18:52,152
and decided you were right about me
leeching off Sarah,
459
00:18:52,153 --> 00:18:53,512
so I'm back!
460
00:18:53,513 --> 00:18:55,232
I've ordered us a pizza
461
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:58,912
and I've found an amazing YouTube
clip of a monkey riding a pig.
462
00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:02,152
So let's just hunker down and veg out!
463
00:19:02,153 --> 00:19:04,152
Look, mate, you don't live
here any more.
464
00:19:04,153 --> 00:19:06,552
But I've moved all my stuff back.
465
00:19:06,553 --> 00:19:08,152
You mean you've returned my chairs.
466
00:19:08,153 --> 00:19:09,072
And my clothes.
467
00:19:09,073 --> 00:19:12,272
And my porn case. Don't make me move
that again. It's really heavy.
468
00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:15,152
Funnily enough, the weight of your
old-school pornography
469
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:17,712
isn't breaking my heart,
Jeremy. The damp's all fixed,
470
00:19:17,713 --> 00:19:19,432
Dobby's moving in, and...
471
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:21,392
I can't take it any more at
Sarah's. OK?
472
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:24,512
It's not just the S&M,
it's the cooking and the cleaning
473
00:19:24,513 --> 00:19:26,272
and the constant dancing.
474
00:19:26,273 --> 00:19:30,272
I'm like some pole-dancing,
oven-scrubbing migrant sex worker.
475
00:19:30,873 --> 00:19:33,512
Let me back into the First
World, Mark, please.
476
00:19:33,513 --> 00:19:35,072
I'm sorry, Jez.
477
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:37,912
'Don't weaken, Mark. He's only your
best and oldest friend.
478
00:19:37,913 --> 00:19:40,832
'You owe him zilch.'
479
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:42,893
I really appreciate this, Andy.
480
00:19:42,894 --> 00:19:44,952
Yeah, I mean, I ain't got
a bed or nothing for ya.
481
00:19:44,953 --> 00:19:48,952
I've got a free sort of... corner
you can have.
482
00:19:49,593 --> 00:19:51,752
Great. I can sleep in a corner.
483
00:19:51,753 --> 00:19:54,632
'Brilliant. Flat-sharing with a
psycho. "Who's in the corner?"
484
00:19:54,633 --> 00:19:55,912
'"Oh, that's my life coach.
485
00:19:55,913 --> 00:19:59,232
'"That shivering, pale man with the
suitcase of porn is helping me
486
00:19:59,233 --> 00:20:04,192
- ' "get my life back on track." '
- I haven't really got any bedding.
487
00:20:04,273 --> 00:20:07,632
All right?
488
00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:10,432
'I'm sleeping in a bin bag.
I'm human rubbish.
489
00:20:10,433 --> 00:20:12,672
'My sixth-form careers
advisor was right all along.
490
00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:15,352
'It's not even a thick green
one for garden waste.
491
00:20:15,353 --> 00:20:19,352
'This is black for landfill.
I belong in landfill.'
492
00:20:21,273 --> 00:20:22,952
Oh, wow!
493
00:20:22,953 --> 00:20:24,672
To moving in. Finally!
494
00:20:24,673 --> 00:20:25,752
Indeed.
495
00:20:25,753 --> 00:20:28,472
'Let's celebrate with an
inaugural stain.
496
00:20:28,473 --> 00:20:30,992
'I'll try to refrain from squirting
the Vanish
497
00:20:30,993 --> 00:20:32,712
'till after this tender moment.'
498
00:20:32,713 --> 00:20:35,432
I'm really excited, Mark, I just
know it's going to be great.
499
00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:37,352
- 'Sounds almost convincing.'
- Cheers!
500
00:20:38,553 --> 00:20:39,992
Hi!
501
00:20:39,993 --> 00:20:41,312
It's me.
502
00:20:41,313 --> 00:20:42,352
'Oh, what now?'
503
00:20:42,353 --> 00:20:43,672
I forgot my Mega Drive.
504
00:20:43,673 --> 00:20:46,952
I forgot the one thing I own
I can't masturbate to, or in.
505
00:20:46,953 --> 00:20:49,632
OK, well, I'll bag that up for
you, and...
506
00:20:49,633 --> 00:20:51,232
Also, can I stay?
507
00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:54,592
I slept in a bin bag at Andy's and...
508
00:20:54,593 --> 00:20:56,152
I couldn't really handle it.
509
00:20:56,153 --> 00:20:57,312
Big Mad Andy?
510
00:20:57,313 --> 00:21:00,872
Yeah. But the good news is that
Super Hans' bag is now available.
511
00:21:00,873 --> 00:21:03,312
And that's a sleeping bag, not
a bin bag,
512
00:21:03,313 --> 00:21:05,752
but it does have someone
sleeping in it tonight.
513
00:21:05,753 --> 00:21:07,992
But tomorrow, it's mine, all mine.
514
00:21:07,993 --> 00:21:10,552
'Poor bastard!' Of course you can
stay the night, Jez.
515
00:21:10,553 --> 00:21:13,352
We're going to have pizza.
I want Hawaiian.
516
00:21:13,353 --> 00:21:14,992
Oh, he won't have that.
517
00:21:14,993 --> 00:21:16,832
I just don't want fruit on my pizza,
518
00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:19,472
just like I'd rather not have
melon in my lasagne.
519
00:21:19,473 --> 00:21:21,472
'And that's why I never
cooked it again.'
520
00:21:21,473 --> 00:21:23,032
Let's play a bit of Street Fighter.
521
00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:24,872
Great! 'Sorry, Mark,
522
00:21:24,873 --> 00:21:26,912
'I'll fight Dobby, but not my feelings.
523
00:21:26,913 --> 00:21:29,912
'I like my feelings, my naughty,
naughty feelings.'
524
00:21:29,913 --> 00:21:33,312
But what about the new
Danish drama on BBC4?
525
00:21:33,313 --> 00:21:36,432
Apparently, it's like The Killing,
but more bureaucratic.
526
00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:39,072
Hey, Mark, if Jez needs a bit
of time to sort himself out,
527
00:21:39,073 --> 00:21:40,232
then the move can wait.
528
00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:42,792
I've got some stuff in a Big Yellow
storage unit anyway
529
00:21:42,793 --> 00:21:44,432
that I need to get before I pack up.
530
00:21:44,433 --> 00:21:47,072
'And there it is, finally,
531
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:50,712
'a big, yellow storage unit
full of big, yellow bullshit.
532
00:21:50,713 --> 00:21:52,592
'She's fallen into my trap.
533
00:21:52,593 --> 00:21:55,552
'After all I've done, she still
invents reasons not to move in.
534
00:21:55,553 --> 00:21:57,232
'I knew she didn't love me.
535
00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:00,632
'Now, all I have to do is get her to
admit it, and then I win.
536
00:22:00,633 --> 00:22:04,632
'Somehow, that means I win.'
537
00:22:04,950 --> 00:22:12,950
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