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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,799 --> 00:00:04,518 ♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well 2 00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:08,214 ♪ And I'm so hot 3 00:00:08,215 --> 00:00:12,475 ♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪ 4 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:18,021 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 5 00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:19,221 Glass shower door. 6 00:00:19,222 --> 00:00:20,460 Attractive, 7 00:00:20,552 --> 00:00:23,331 but soon the streaks will appear. 8 00:00:23,332 --> 00:00:25,252 The thing about bathroom accessories is 9 00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:28,817 I can sell you your dream bathroom - I'd be delighted to... 10 00:00:28,818 --> 00:00:31,897 but it don't mean a ting if it ain't got that swing. 11 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,617 The old WP. 12 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,057 Water pressure. 13 00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:38,657 And I'm sorry, but that just ain't my department. 14 00:00:38,658 --> 00:00:41,617 Mark, mate, you do know that the more you talk about bathrooms, 15 00:00:41,618 --> 00:00:44,737 the more I feel quite strongly that I'd like to kill myself? 16 00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:46,170 At least I have a job. 17 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,809 Yeah, all right, no need to lord it, Armitage Shanks. 18 00:00:48,810 --> 00:00:51,529 I've actually got a very exciting new career lined up. 19 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,529 You know you're too old to be a rent boy? 20 00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:55,170 There's not a big market for rent men. 21 00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:57,409 I'm going to be a therapist. 22 00:00:57,410 --> 00:01:00,089 Yes, but what kind of mad therapy? 23 00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:04,729 Jezicise, where you hump people better with crystals? 24 00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:07,009 I guess it's better than some of your job ideas, 25 00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:08,649 like becoming an admiral. 26 00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:10,169 I'm a highly intuitive person. 27 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:13,289 I'd make a great therapist. Look at all the pussy I bag! 28 00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:15,889 Is that particular quote from Jung or Freud? 29 00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:18,649 I found this course - Personal Invoicing Life Coaching. 30 00:01:18,650 --> 00:01:20,889 And they've got some great-looking certificates. 31 00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:24,289 It's basically all the best things about therapy and self-help 32 00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:25,386 but without the... 33 00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:26,188 Hard work? 34 00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:28,747 ..unnecessary bolt-ons. The extras. 35 00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:30,325 Golf? 36 00:01:30,326 --> 00:01:32,285 Yeah. It's to show that it's for wankers in shirts 37 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,446 as well as freaks with bum bags. It's proper, Mark. 38 00:01:35,111 --> 00:01:36,949 They've got a website. 39 00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:39,829 Oh, well, I'm sorry. If they've got a website, the people running it 40 00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,189 definitely have fingers. And a computer. 41 00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,309 Or at least the address of an internet cafe. 42 00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,549 It's a week's intensive training, and then bang, I'm out there. 43 00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:47,602 After a week? 44 00:01:47,603 --> 00:01:49,802 Mark, if it looks like a life coach 45 00:01:49,803 --> 00:01:52,163 and it's got a certificate saying that it's a life coach, 46 00:01:52,164 --> 00:01:53,802 then it's probably a life coach. 47 00:01:53,803 --> 00:01:57,163 'Although it might in fact be a failed musician with chlamydia.' 48 00:01:59,563 --> 00:02:01,202 'Oh, God, I am now in the morning 49 00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:03,081 'and I should have been in bed in the night. 50 00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,883 'And I have to get up for work in the morning! 51 00:02:04,884 --> 00:02:07,682 'Not next morning, this morning! 52 00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:09,762 'Oh, Simon, the ex.' 53 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,203 Here you go, guys. Celebrate the start-up. Cheers! 54 00:02:12,204 --> 00:02:15,842 'It's so great that we get to hang out with our girlfriends' exes 55 00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:18,322 'in the modern world. So relaxing.' 56 00:02:18,323 --> 00:02:21,522 Good luck to you in this incredibly hostile business environment. 57 00:02:21,523 --> 00:02:23,802 Thanks, man. What are you up to right now, Mark? 58 00:02:23,803 --> 00:02:25,722 Me? Oh... retail. 59 00:02:25,723 --> 00:02:28,123 Reckon the high street's going to make a comeback. 60 00:02:28,124 --> 00:02:29,322 So, er... 61 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,643 yeah. Very exciting. 62 00:02:32,843 --> 00:02:34,083 Bathroom supplies. 63 00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:35,362 Oh! 64 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:38,202 'I've dropped the B word, and they don't know what to say.' 65 00:02:38,203 --> 00:02:40,842 Yes, that's my niche. Shitting and washing. 66 00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:42,762 Those babies are recession-proof. 67 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,562 Mark's also been working on a book! 68 00:02:45,563 --> 00:02:46,762 Oh, OK, cool! 69 00:02:46,763 --> 00:02:48,562 'I love you, Dobby.' 70 00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:49,723 Oh, it's... it's nothing. 71 00:02:49,724 --> 00:02:50,762 Oh. OK. 72 00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:52,402 Well, I mean, it is something. 73 00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:54,723 - I just don't want to talk about it. - Understood. 74 00:02:56,163 --> 00:02:58,642 Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs, it's called. 75 00:02:58,643 --> 00:03:01,842 I've got it in with several publishers. The... initial chapters. 76 00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:04,162 It's good, cos you sit down thinking, 77 00:03:04,163 --> 00:03:07,202 "OK, this is gonna be fucking boring," 78 00:03:07,203 --> 00:03:10,563 but then you're, like, "Mm, maybe not!" 79 00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,562 So, what are the business secrets of the pharaohs? 80 00:03:14,563 --> 00:03:16,642 Well, look, the first thing is to acknowledge 81 00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:18,083 that the Ancient Egyptian era 82 00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:20,083 is so completely different from our own 83 00:03:20,084 --> 00:03:22,842 that any cultural, political or business parallels 84 00:03:22,843 --> 00:03:25,243 that we draw between the two eras are by their very nature 85 00:03:25,244 --> 00:03:27,043 almost bound to be wrong. 86 00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:33,362 Oh, look who it is! 87 00:03:33,363 --> 00:03:35,162 Hey, Mark, listen. 88 00:03:35,163 --> 00:03:37,163 They've offered me a job at the start-up! 89 00:03:38,243 --> 00:03:39,722 Oh. Wow. Great! 90 00:03:39,723 --> 00:03:43,202 'Oh, God, Dobby bound more tightly with "the clique", 91 00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:45,482 'more endless evenings out.' 92 00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:48,002 I'm so bored doing IT for the council, Mark. 93 00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:51,402 With any luck, it'll be one of the 5% of internet start-ups 94 00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:53,842 that don't fold within the first 18 months. 95 00:03:53,843 --> 00:03:55,122 Right. 96 00:03:55,123 --> 00:03:57,162 'God, I love those made-up stats.' 97 00:03:57,163 --> 00:04:00,282 It's just, ever since Gerrard died, I've been thinking, 98 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,922 life's so short. You've gotta seize the day. 99 00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:05,882 'Gerrard! Back from the grave to foil my plans, 100 00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,323 'like a boring Dracula.' 101 00:04:09,803 --> 00:04:14,122 So, welcome to Personal Invoicing Life Coaching. 102 00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:17,482 I'm Celia. Everyone sit down, and we'll get started. 103 00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:20,042 'So, who have we got here? The competition. 104 00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:22,443 'Yeah, get your life coached by a failed supply teacher 105 00:04:22,444 --> 00:04:25,722 'with the easy charm of a nonce in a prison yard. No, thanks. 106 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,962 'And... got your number, baby. 107 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:30,321 'Life coaching course equals non-judgmental space 108 00:04:30,322 --> 00:04:32,761 'to meet similar freaks for mutual hippy touching.' 109 00:04:32,762 --> 00:04:34,043 So, did everyone get a chance 110 00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:36,723 to read through the course textbook that I mentioned in my e-mail? 111 00:04:37,683 --> 00:04:39,202 'Fucking squares. 112 00:04:39,203 --> 00:04:42,202 'Who's got time to read all the way down to the bottom of an e-mail?' 113 00:04:42,203 --> 00:04:45,402 So, what did everyone think of the core principles? Hm? 114 00:04:45,403 --> 00:04:47,122 How about you... 115 00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:48,202 Jeremy? 116 00:04:48,203 --> 00:04:50,202 'OK, here we go, hero or zero.' 117 00:04:50,203 --> 00:04:53,162 Me? Er, I thought... 118 00:04:53,163 --> 00:04:55,522 Well, to be honest with you, I thought it was... 119 00:04:55,523 --> 00:04:56,602 shit. 120 00:04:56,603 --> 00:04:57,843 What, all of it? 121 00:04:57,844 --> 00:05:00,122 Look, I'm not gonna sit here and regurgitate 122 00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:01,561 a whole load of book learning. 123 00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,323 '..that I have no idea what it is.' 124 00:05:03,324 --> 00:05:06,522 I mean, yeah, I read it, and yeah... fine, 125 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,842 but... when you're in the head space forest, 126 00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:12,482 you can't look in no textbook when you've got a 300lb emotion 127 00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:15,802 racing at you with its claws out, crying. 128 00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:17,922 I think I know what you mean. It's quite true. 129 00:05:17,923 --> 00:05:21,323 'Of course it's quite true. I just made it up.' 130 00:05:22,763 --> 00:05:23,682 Hiya. 131 00:05:23,683 --> 00:05:24,722 Hi, Jez. Jez! 132 00:05:24,723 --> 00:05:27,882 Have a glass of something that for legal reasons must call itself 133 00:05:27,883 --> 00:05:30,762 "sparkling grape-style drinking wine". 134 00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:31,802 Er, thanks. 135 00:05:31,803 --> 00:05:34,043 'Have they found some legal way to force me out of the flat?' 136 00:05:34,044 --> 00:05:36,082 Mark's found a publisher for his book! 137 00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:38,202 Brilliant. 'His book? 138 00:05:38,203 --> 00:05:40,682 'What next - he's found a director for his film, 139 00:05:40,683 --> 00:05:42,242 'a builder for his cathedral?' 140 00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,322 Got the e-mail today. From BL Books. 141 00:05:44,323 --> 00:05:46,082 Very enthusiastic. 142 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,242 They've got a slot as long as I can finish my rewrites ASAP. 143 00:05:49,243 --> 00:05:52,162 I guess what this shows is hard work pays dividends. 144 00:05:52,163 --> 00:05:53,802 Mm, I know what you mean. 145 00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:56,762 I was working pretty hard today on my course. 146 00:05:56,763 --> 00:05:57,802 Yeah. Exactly. 147 00:05:57,803 --> 00:06:00,083 'Appearing on I'm A Celebrity is not the same as winning 148 00:06:00,084 --> 00:06:01,522 'an Olympic gold medal.' 149 00:06:01,523 --> 00:06:04,642 I suppose this means it's all looking up for the El Dude Brothers, 150 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,442 or JK Rowling and Sigmund Freud, 151 00:06:06,443 --> 00:06:09,123 as we should probably start calling ourselves. 152 00:06:13,243 --> 00:06:16,162 'Sir Steven Redgrave and Timmy Mallett might be more appropriate.' 153 00:06:16,163 --> 00:06:18,242 'I could write a book. Piece of piss. 154 00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:20,802 'Chapter one. The end. There you go. Book.' 155 00:06:20,803 --> 00:06:23,202 So, how was the life coaching? 156 00:06:23,203 --> 00:06:26,522 Good. Great, actually. Did a load of great exercises. 157 00:06:26,523 --> 00:06:28,242 Pretty sure I won. 158 00:06:28,243 --> 00:06:30,601 Not that it's a competition, but it was pretty clear 159 00:06:30,602 --> 00:06:31,683 I was the best. 160 00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,242 Actually, they want me to find a volunteer to practise on. 161 00:06:34,243 --> 00:06:36,162 Well, life-coach me! 162 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,042 I'm a gormless dweeb stuck on the horns of a dilemma. 163 00:06:39,043 --> 00:06:41,042 But, Dobs, Game Of Thrones? 164 00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:43,403 Yeah, we can put the dragon tits on pause, can't we? 165 00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,322 Just got to nip to the disgustatorium. 166 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,163 No need to think about what I'm gonna do. 167 00:06:48,164 --> 00:06:50,123 Then feel free to coach my ass! 168 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:56,242 Jez, will you please get your filthy hands out of my girlfriend's brain? 169 00:06:56,243 --> 00:06:56,961 What? 170 00:06:56,962 --> 00:06:58,603 You'd better not be about to tell her 171 00:06:58,604 --> 00:07:01,642 to "expect more out of life" or "follow her heart". 172 00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:04,322 I'm gonna tell her what's right for her. We have a code of ethics. 173 00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,842 It's a professional discipline. There's a pamphlet! 174 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,602 I want to be her life coach. We can't both be her life coach. 175 00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:12,602 You can't be her life coach, Mark. You haven't got a certificate. 176 00:07:12,603 --> 00:07:15,882 I could if I spent 200 quid and went to Forest Hill for five hours. 177 00:07:15,883 --> 00:07:18,162 OK, Jez, ready! 178 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:20,682 Please, Jez! Can you coach her that Simon's a shit 179 00:07:20,683 --> 00:07:22,242 and to stop hanging out with him? 180 00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:23,602 All right. 181 00:07:23,603 --> 00:07:28,122 But I'm warning you, I'm only gonna do one unethical thing in my career. 182 00:07:28,123 --> 00:07:30,363 It just happens to be the very first thing. 183 00:07:33,763 --> 00:07:36,202 Mark? Are you stirring your coffee 184 00:07:36,203 --> 00:07:39,322 very quietly without chinking the side so I can't hear 185 00:07:39,323 --> 00:07:40,963 and you don't have to make one for me? 186 00:07:40,964 --> 00:07:42,602 What? No! 187 00:07:42,603 --> 00:07:45,842 'Oh, he's rumbled the velvet spoon routine. 188 00:07:45,843 --> 00:07:47,243 'That's been good for years.' 189 00:07:47,244 --> 00:07:49,243 Midnight coffee? You're not gonna go barmy 190 00:07:49,244 --> 00:07:51,602 and start phoning up 5 live saying you've seen 191 00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:54,122 the end of civilisation in the bottom of a Bargain Bucket? 192 00:07:54,123 --> 00:07:57,443 Look, it's just I'm on a roll. I've done 6,000 words since 6pm. 193 00:07:59,163 --> 00:08:02,242 Yeah, I know. You type like you're trying to massacre imaginary ants 194 00:08:02,243 --> 00:08:03,523 swarming your keyboard. 195 00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,042 I've had seven black coffees 196 00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,963 and I feel like I'm really nailing it. 197 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,482 Mark, you're in caps. 198 00:08:09,483 --> 00:08:11,963 It looks like you've been in caps for a few hours. 199 00:08:11,964 --> 00:08:14,762 Caps still count! I've just drawn an irresistible comparison 200 00:08:14,763 --> 00:08:17,082 between Mentuhotep V and Branson. 201 00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:19,842 I'm thinking of drawing Branson as a hieroglyph. What do you think? 202 00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:23,802 I think maybe you should get quite a lot of sleep. 203 00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,362 I just need to hit a thousand more words, then a spell-check, 204 00:08:26,363 --> 00:08:27,842 then I'm done. 205 00:08:27,843 --> 00:08:30,882 - Ah, don't worry about the spell-check, dude. - You don't think? 206 00:08:30,883 --> 00:08:33,522 No. They'll have a big spellchecker with all the latest words. 207 00:08:33,523 --> 00:08:35,082 That's what publishers are 208 00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:37,802 these days - spellcheckers who take you out for lunch. 209 00:08:37,803 --> 00:08:40,802 'Yeah, keep killing those ants, Charles Dickens. 210 00:08:40,803 --> 00:08:42,163 'Private meeting with the tutor! 211 00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:44,322 'Leave the life buses at the bus stop... 212 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:45,762 'I'm getting the coach!' 213 00:08:45,763 --> 00:08:48,242 Great morning. You're an amazing therapist. 214 00:08:48,243 --> 00:08:51,082 Thanks, Jez. But I'm a life coach, not a therapist. 215 00:08:51,083 --> 00:08:53,242 Yeah. Right. Exactly. 216 00:08:53,243 --> 00:08:56,162 Who can be bothered to get a degree and spend four years moaning on 217 00:08:56,163 --> 00:08:59,042 about how your gran sent you to primary school with raw chicken 218 00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,762 in your packed lunch, because she'd mixed up the Tupperware boxes 219 00:09:01,763 --> 00:09:03,721 and you thought she was trying to poison you? 220 00:09:03,722 --> 00:09:04,523 Did that happen to you? 221 00:09:04,524 --> 00:09:07,322 Er, yeah, yeah, it did, actually. We laughed about it. 222 00:09:07,323 --> 00:09:09,322 'Mixing up the boxes? Yeah, right! 223 00:09:09,323 --> 00:09:11,722 'I know you were trying to kill me, Gran.' 224 00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:13,601 So, er, any idea what you're gonna have? 225 00:09:13,602 --> 00:09:15,883 You need to check with me before you make your decision? 226 00:09:15,884 --> 00:09:18,962 Just... curious. I was thinking about having the burger? 227 00:09:18,963 --> 00:09:20,683 Why do you say that like a question? 228 00:09:20,684 --> 00:09:22,162 I-I don't know. 229 00:09:22,163 --> 00:09:24,402 Well, if you want the burger, order the burger. 230 00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:26,043 I mean, I was gonna order the burger, 231 00:09:26,044 --> 00:09:28,962 but now I feel like you've got a problem with me ordering the burger? 232 00:09:28,963 --> 00:09:30,403 And what makes you feel that way? 233 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,402 Because we're talking quite a lot about me ordering the burger? 234 00:09:33,403 --> 00:09:35,082 You guys ready to order? 235 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,322 Er... yeah. 236 00:09:36,323 --> 00:09:38,522 I think I'll have the... 237 00:09:38,523 --> 00:09:39,681 halloumi salad? 238 00:09:39,682 --> 00:09:40,963 Anything to drink? 239 00:09:40,964 --> 00:09:42,762 Water...? 240 00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:46,242 'Salad and a water?! I'm ordering myself a horrible lunch 241 00:09:46,243 --> 00:09:48,762 'and somehow also totally getting everything wrong.' 242 00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:50,162 And for you? 243 00:09:50,163 --> 00:09:52,603 Actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'll have a Coke. Man Coke, 244 00:09:52,604 --> 00:09:54,603 not any Wayne Rooney, hair-transplant bullshit. 245 00:09:54,604 --> 00:09:57,802 And screw the salad - I'll have a burger. And a chocolate cheesecake. 246 00:09:57,803 --> 00:10:00,682 Yeah, that's right, I'm ordering pudding before I've even started 247 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,942 my main course. If you've got a problem, send out the manager. 248 00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,838 Good! I'll have the same. 249 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,199 I know what I want. And I'm not afraid to ask for it. 250 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,518 Look, I'm just gonna say this. 251 00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:12,078 I love you, Celia. 252 00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,518 'So great for a first date! 253 00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:16,279 'Stone-cold classic.' 254 00:10:17,719 --> 00:10:21,598 'Afternoon delight, nailing the course and the tutor!' 255 00:10:21,624 --> 00:10:24,000 - I'm the boss. - You're the boss. 256 00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:25,721 And I've got a fucking grass skirt. 257 00:10:25,722 --> 00:10:28,280 Oh, yes, you've got a grass skirt. 258 00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,720 A grass skirt made of dicks. 259 00:10:30,943 --> 00:10:32,462 Mm-hm... 260 00:10:32,463 --> 00:10:33,863 I've cut all the dicks off... 261 00:10:35,143 --> 00:10:37,742 ..and they're hanging from my skirt. 262 00:10:37,743 --> 00:10:39,502 Does that make you hard, Jeremy? 263 00:10:39,503 --> 00:10:40,862 Oh, yeah... 264 00:10:40,863 --> 00:10:42,582 Just... go for it, Jeremy. 265 00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:43,303 I'm sorry? 266 00:10:43,304 --> 00:10:44,822 Just go for it. 267 00:10:44,823 --> 00:10:46,582 Right... 268 00:10:46,583 --> 00:10:47,942 I-I am going for it? 269 00:10:47,943 --> 00:10:50,222 Oh. Fine. 270 00:10:50,223 --> 00:10:52,503 S-Sorry, it's just... by telling me to go for it, 271 00:10:52,504 --> 00:10:55,502 it felt like you were saying I'm not going for it. 272 00:10:55,503 --> 00:10:57,782 No. No, I was just checking. 273 00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,382 Right. And the severed dicks? 274 00:11:00,383 --> 00:11:03,502 Th... The skirt made of...? What is that? 275 00:11:03,503 --> 00:11:06,782 I was in the moment, Jez! 276 00:11:06,783 --> 00:11:08,222 God! 277 00:11:08,223 --> 00:11:10,582 Sorry if I broke a taboo. 278 00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:12,383 Who wants boundaries in the bedroom? 279 00:11:12,384 --> 00:11:14,022 Now... 280 00:11:14,023 --> 00:11:16,702 you tell me your fantasy. 281 00:11:16,703 --> 00:11:20,142 'OK. My fantasy. What is my fantasy? It's basically just humping. 282 00:11:20,143 --> 00:11:23,783 'I love humping. But need something more edgy.' 283 00:11:26,023 --> 00:11:27,943 Sorry about the last-minute venue change. 284 00:11:27,944 --> 00:11:29,943 Just, er... on my way to the Frankfurt Book Fair. 285 00:11:29,944 --> 00:11:33,142 No problem. You're a busy guy with a lot of irons in the fire. 286 00:11:33,143 --> 00:11:35,102 Tch! Yeah. Exactly. 287 00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:37,782 'This must be the greatest quantity of squeezable mustard 288 00:11:37,783 --> 00:11:39,423 'ever present at a literary lunch.' 289 00:11:39,424 --> 00:11:43,142 Anyway, just wanted to catch you to say how much I loved your book. 290 00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:44,223 Oh, wow! Thank you! 291 00:11:44,224 --> 00:11:46,142 Cos I hurried finishing it, 292 00:11:46,143 --> 00:11:47,663 I was worried I overdid Chapter Three. 293 00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:48,382 No. 294 00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:49,469 It's not too obvious, 295 00:11:49,470 --> 00:11:52,108 the parallel between the Nubians and the Assyrians, 296 00:11:52,109 --> 00:11:55,468 and a modern business's enemies, web competitors and Chinese imports? 297 00:11:55,469 --> 00:11:57,748 Actually, my favourite chapter. 298 00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,027 God, that is so great to hear! 299 00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:01,467 Cos it's initially compelling, but I was worried... 300 00:12:01,468 --> 00:12:03,389 No, don't worry about the book. Book's... 301 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,948 book's great. 302 00:12:04,949 --> 00:12:08,388 Thing is, we've actually just had some bad news from Denmark. 303 00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:11,868 Hamlet's back, and he's made his final decision to be? 304 00:12:11,869 --> 00:12:14,388 'God, I'm such an oaf! In publishing, he must have heard 305 00:12:14,389 --> 00:12:16,028 'a million Hamlet jokes.' 306 00:12:16,029 --> 00:12:19,188 It's where we get our books printed. And in the last week, 307 00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:21,468 the paper costs have just skyrocketed. 308 00:12:21,469 --> 00:12:22,868 It's the euro. 309 00:12:22,869 --> 00:12:24,748 Oh, of course. The euro! 310 00:12:24,749 --> 00:12:27,468 The bloody euro getting it wrong again. 311 00:12:27,469 --> 00:12:28,828 It's hitting everyone. 312 00:12:28,829 --> 00:12:31,748 The upshot is we're having to ask all our authors to put in 2K 313 00:12:31,749 --> 00:12:33,388 just to cover the extra costs. 314 00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:35,108 Oh... right. 315 00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:36,868 It's unavoidable, unfortunately. 316 00:12:36,869 --> 00:12:39,788 I mean, Rushdie is pissing blood over at Jonathan Cape, apparently. 317 00:12:39,789 --> 00:12:42,948 But... big picture - the book is going to be such a monster hit, 318 00:12:42,949 --> 00:12:44,109 there's no downside. 319 00:12:44,110 --> 00:12:45,588 Oh, there's no downside? 320 00:12:45,589 --> 00:12:48,188 No. In fact, I am so confident, I am prepared to cut you 321 00:12:48,189 --> 00:12:52,028 an extra percentage point on books sold over a quarter of a million. 322 00:12:52,029 --> 00:12:53,948 Oh, wow! That... that's great! 323 00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:55,389 'Mm. Don't act too pleased. 324 00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:56,748 'Remember Johnson. 325 00:12:56,749 --> 00:12:59,308 '"Keep your panties dry till the big guy's hard."' 326 00:12:59,309 --> 00:13:00,468 Tell you what, 327 00:13:00,469 --> 00:13:04,949 Greg, why don't we go 50/50 on net profits over a million units? 328 00:13:05,949 --> 00:13:07,028 Oh! 329 00:13:07,029 --> 00:13:09,308 Yeah, I forgot I was talking to a business guru. 330 00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:11,468 What the hell. 331 00:13:11,469 --> 00:13:12,949 Nice doing business with you. 332 00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:14,869 'I'm killing these guys!' 333 00:13:15,952 --> 00:13:17,272 Greg really liked the draft. 334 00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:19,911 He had no notes at all, which was pretty sweet. 335 00:13:19,912 --> 00:13:23,151 He was even fine about me missing the deadline. 336 00:13:23,152 --> 00:13:25,632 Right... But how much are they paying you upfront? 337 00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:29,791 Publishing isn't an upfront situation these days. 338 00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,832 You've got to put in seed money for the first run. 339 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,671 They're asking you to pay? 340 00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:36,631 It's a totally standard deal for first-time authors. 341 00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:40,952 But the poor guys, I'm absolutely killing them on the big-unit deals. 342 00:13:42,472 --> 00:13:46,791 Does JK Rowling pay to have Harry Potter books published? 343 00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,271 That's different. Harry Potter books are about wizards, for children. 344 00:13:50,272 --> 00:13:53,951 My book is about pharaohs, for adults. 345 00:13:53,952 --> 00:13:56,031 Right. OK... 346 00:13:56,032 --> 00:13:57,791 In fact, it was the unluckiest day 347 00:13:57,792 --> 00:14:01,071 of JK Rowling's life when she got picked up by a publishing house. 348 00:14:01,072 --> 00:14:02,272 Greg from British London 349 00:14:02,273 --> 00:14:05,071 was saying, imagine if she'd self-published! 350 00:14:05,072 --> 00:14:08,551 "British London"? Doesn't that sound a bit... 351 00:14:08,552 --> 00:14:10,032 Too patriotic for your liking? 352 00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,431 ..made up? 353 00:14:11,432 --> 00:14:15,271 So what if it's made up? Do you think Penguin was founded by a penguin? 354 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,271 In a sense, everything's made up. 355 00:14:17,272 --> 00:14:19,951 I don't like the way these percentiles are looking at me. 356 00:14:19,952 --> 00:14:21,512 Right, well, thanks for that, Hans, 357 00:14:21,513 --> 00:14:24,151 but I really wouldn't worry. It's a gentleman's agreement. 358 00:14:24,152 --> 00:14:26,991 Well, it looks like you've agreed these gentlemen can arse-fuck you. 359 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,271 Just, erm... 360 00:14:28,272 --> 00:14:29,791 be careful. OK, mate? 361 00:14:29,792 --> 00:14:31,192 'Jeremy is the voice of reason, 362 00:14:31,193 --> 00:14:33,791 'and Super Hans is giving me legal advice. 363 00:14:33,792 --> 00:14:35,312 'Doesn't feel great.' 364 00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:39,391 I went to see Trish and Simon and everyone in the new office. 365 00:14:39,392 --> 00:14:42,671 'Tch! No doubt their office is a converted warehouse 366 00:14:42,672 --> 00:14:45,351 'full of smoothie makers and basketball hoops 367 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,031 'and rim jobs.' 368 00:14:47,032 --> 00:14:49,071 I was like, "Fuck it. Why not?" 369 00:14:49,072 --> 00:14:51,272 So I handed in my notice at the council yesterday! 370 00:14:51,273 --> 00:14:54,031 Oh... Wow, that's... 371 00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:55,031 amazing. 372 00:14:55,032 --> 00:14:56,152 I know! 373 00:15:00,472 --> 00:15:01,752 Jeremy, you've failed. 374 00:15:01,753 --> 00:15:03,752 She's done exactly what she wanted. 375 00:15:03,753 --> 00:15:05,711 I tried, but it's difficult. 376 00:15:05,712 --> 00:15:08,070 Spirit crushing comes much more naturally to you. 377 00:15:08,071 --> 00:15:09,272 This won't work. 378 00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:12,351 You should have told her the truth. Dreams crumble to dust. 379 00:15:12,352 --> 00:15:14,792 Your motto. You should put that on your business cards. 380 00:15:14,793 --> 00:15:18,831 Anyway, chill out. If you love something, set it free. 381 00:15:18,832 --> 00:15:21,551 What if I love a black mamba? Should I set that free? 382 00:15:21,552 --> 00:15:23,431 Is that what you and Sting want, 383 00:15:23,432 --> 00:15:25,792 a venomous killer loose on the streets of south London? 384 00:15:28,152 --> 00:15:31,031 So, thinking about the book launch... 385 00:15:31,032 --> 00:15:32,832 cash bar, but I might provide nuts. 386 00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,391 Salted or dry roasted, though? 387 00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,631 Salted are classic - everyone loves salt... 388 00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:40,072 but expensive in the quantities I want to provide. 389 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,271 It's tricky. 390 00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:42,791 Aren't London British paying? 391 00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:45,111 British London. No, not in the current climate. 392 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:48,471 OK, time to hit go, make the transfer, 393 00:15:48,472 --> 00:15:51,271 let BL fire up the printing press. 394 00:15:51,272 --> 00:15:55,231 Mark?! Ј2,000? 395 00:15:55,232 --> 00:15:57,751 The situation in Denmark is deteriorating. That's a fact. 396 00:15:57,752 --> 00:16:00,831 Ink shortage. But if I move quickly, BL might be able to get me some. 397 00:16:00,832 --> 00:16:02,112 They have a guy in Hamburg. 398 00:16:02,113 --> 00:16:05,071 'Oh, my God, he's actually going through with it. 399 00:16:05,072 --> 00:16:07,271 'He's cracking his nest egg and frying it up 400 00:16:07,272 --> 00:16:09,671 'to make these arseholes a delicious breakfast.' 401 00:16:09,672 --> 00:16:10,831 Hey! 402 00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:12,351 Mark, I can't let you do this. 403 00:16:12,352 --> 00:16:14,471 Return my mouse, Jeremy. That's my property. 404 00:16:14,472 --> 00:16:16,831 You're censoring me. I'm calling Amnesty. 405 00:16:16,832 --> 00:16:19,031 Go ahead. I'm sure they'll be fascinated, 406 00:16:19,032 --> 00:16:22,111 but the mouse is staying with me. I'm doing an intervention on you. 407 00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:25,431 All you're doing is preventing an important work of world literature 408 00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:26,470 from going to press. 409 00:16:26,471 --> 00:16:28,872 Why don't you "intervene" on Ian McEwan or Tony Parsons? 410 00:16:30,272 --> 00:16:33,071 I'm going to say two words that you don't want to hear. 411 00:16:33,072 --> 00:16:34,152 "Vanity publishing." 412 00:16:35,192 --> 00:16:37,711 You're just jealous because I'm a successful author 413 00:16:37,712 --> 00:16:39,751 and you're an unemployed dope smoker 414 00:16:39,752 --> 00:16:43,831 who, even after 20 years of doing it, still can't roll very good joints. 415 00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:46,471 I just think you need to be realistic about your targets, 416 00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:47,672 aims and expectations. 417 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,911 Are you trying to life-coach me?! 418 00:16:49,912 --> 00:16:51,351 Maybe. 419 00:16:51,352 --> 00:16:54,031 I'm the one who should be doing an intervention - on you, 420 00:16:54,032 --> 00:16:57,831 because, my friend, you are a vanity life coach. 421 00:16:57,832 --> 00:16:59,831 My course is a proper qualification... 422 00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:02,272 it's not a pretend book from a pretend publisher's 423 00:17:02,273 --> 00:17:04,471 getting printed on pretend paper. 424 00:17:04,472 --> 00:17:07,191 Yeah, well, even if you complete your ludicrously short course, 425 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,912 you're never going to be a life coach. 426 00:17:08,913 --> 00:17:10,751 It's just another dream, 427 00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:13,711 like being a pop star or a front bottom inspector. 428 00:17:13,712 --> 00:17:16,471 That wasn't a career, that was a T-shirt! 429 00:17:16,472 --> 00:17:18,192 Yeah, well, a front bottom inspector 430 00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:21,751 is still a more realistic career option for you than life coach. 431 00:17:21,752 --> 00:17:24,471 I threw that T-shirt out months ago. You know why? 432 00:17:24,472 --> 00:17:26,191 Because it was tasteless. 433 00:17:26,192 --> 00:17:28,391 I was embarrassed to wear it in public. 434 00:17:28,392 --> 00:17:30,352 That's the Jeremy you're dealing with now. 435 00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,831 That's how much I've grown as an individual. 436 00:17:32,832 --> 00:17:34,911 Hey, Jeremy, do you want to life-coach this 437 00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,350 into the washing-up bowl? 438 00:17:36,351 --> 00:17:38,192 'You're not stopping my book launch. 439 00:17:38,193 --> 00:17:41,792 'Kneel before Pharaoh Corrigan and his pyramid of peanuts.' 440 00:17:43,272 --> 00:17:44,911 So, er, listen, 441 00:17:44,912 --> 00:17:47,031 what the hell's going on? 442 00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,272 How do you mean? 443 00:17:48,273 --> 00:17:50,191 Everyone. Everyone passed. 444 00:17:50,192 --> 00:17:52,911 Is it some sort of administrative error? 445 00:17:52,912 --> 00:17:55,471 I mean, Hillary, whose UKIP membership card 446 00:17:55,472 --> 00:17:56,552 fell out of her purse? 447 00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:59,191 Are you really suggesting people go to her to get coaching? 448 00:17:59,192 --> 00:18:02,031 Is my certificate different? Is it better? 449 00:18:02,032 --> 00:18:03,751 You don't have a certificate. 450 00:18:03,752 --> 00:18:05,391 What do I get? A couch? 451 00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:06,471 Or... a conch? 452 00:18:06,472 --> 00:18:07,911 Or a cr... 453 00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,831 Not a crown. That would be... odd. 454 00:18:09,832 --> 00:18:12,831 I can't put my reputation on the line by certifying you 455 00:18:12,832 --> 00:18:14,112 as a life coach. 456 00:18:14,113 --> 00:18:15,551 What? 457 00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:18,511 You have a poorly developed ego system and sexual issues. 458 00:18:18,512 --> 00:18:19,631 Oh, yeah? 459 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,471 OK, well, let me give you a little tip about foreplay. 460 00:18:22,472 --> 00:18:24,471 You were waggling around on my guy 461 00:18:24,472 --> 00:18:27,471 like it was the cranking handle on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 462 00:18:27,472 --> 00:18:29,191 You're a sexual pervert, Jeremy. 463 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,992 You mean in a bad way? 464 00:18:31,992 --> 00:18:33,831 Cos of what I said? 465 00:18:33,832 --> 00:18:35,191 Yes. It was disgusting. 466 00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:38,311 Oh, Mrs Severed Cocks thinks I'm disgusting? 467 00:18:38,312 --> 00:18:40,911 Cut all my hair off and eat it? 468 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,831 I was busking. I was vibing. 469 00:18:42,832 --> 00:18:44,192 You were cutting things off. 470 00:18:44,193 --> 00:18:46,831 I thought hair. I mean, it's not cocks. 471 00:18:46,832 --> 00:18:48,751 That was just a mad image, 472 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,911 whereas destroying and consuming my beautiful hair... 473 00:18:51,912 --> 00:18:54,111 I thought there were no boundaries. 474 00:18:54,112 --> 00:18:56,391 There are no boundaries. Within limits. 475 00:18:56,392 --> 00:18:59,031 Limits. Right. Well, I'm appealing. 476 00:18:59,032 --> 00:19:03,031 I'm gonna launch an appeal to the... British Life Coaching Confederation. 477 00:19:03,032 --> 00:19:04,671 And if such a body exists, 478 00:19:04,672 --> 00:19:07,031 then you're gonna be in big, big trouble. 479 00:19:07,032 --> 00:19:08,312 Hm! 480 00:19:09,752 --> 00:19:11,471 Hey, Mark. 481 00:19:11,472 --> 00:19:12,472 How's it, er...? 482 00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,031 Oh, er... 483 00:19:14,032 --> 00:19:16,551 Good. Yeah, great. 484 00:19:16,552 --> 00:19:19,471 A few errata. Always going to be a few errata. 485 00:19:19,472 --> 00:19:21,031 Yeah, yeah, always. 486 00:19:21,032 --> 00:19:23,591 Er, it's gonna be a good night, I reckon. 487 00:19:23,592 --> 00:19:24,832 Yeah. So, Jez, listen, 488 00:19:24,833 --> 00:19:28,671 I'm just going to go home out the fire escape or the window. 489 00:19:28,672 --> 00:19:31,471 But would you ask the pub man if I can have my deposit back? 490 00:19:31,472 --> 00:19:34,391 And would you tell everyone I've made a horrible mistake? Goodbye. 491 00:19:34,392 --> 00:19:35,471 Mark? 492 00:19:35,472 --> 00:19:37,792 They misspelt my name, Jeremy. 493 00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,232 Mark Crorigan. 494 00:19:43,272 --> 00:19:44,911 But hey, it looks good, man. 495 00:19:44,912 --> 00:19:46,752 I mean, some of it's difficult to read, 496 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:50,271 cos the text kind of disappears into the binding, but... 497 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,751 They're print-outs, Jeremy, they're not books. 498 00:19:53,752 --> 00:19:54,952 They're just print-outs. 499 00:19:54,953 --> 00:19:58,911 'Every fibre of my being wants to scream, "I told you so." 500 00:19:58,912 --> 00:20:00,951 'But I'm a life coach now. Sort of.' 501 00:20:00,952 --> 00:20:03,391 Greg said he really liked Chapter Fourteen, 502 00:20:03,392 --> 00:20:06,191 the Nile irrigation/viral marketing comparison. 503 00:20:06,192 --> 00:20:07,751 Why would he leave that out? 504 00:20:07,752 --> 00:20:08,912 I don't know, Mark. 505 00:20:08,913 --> 00:20:11,111 Maybe it's just one of those things. 506 00:20:11,112 --> 00:20:14,471 One of those things where a cherished dream is smashed into your face 507 00:20:14,472 --> 00:20:17,471 and you're humiliated in front of everyone you know? 508 00:20:17,472 --> 00:20:18,952 Hi, Pam... 509 00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:22,671 Exactly, one of those things. 510 00:20:22,672 --> 00:20:25,471 Why don't you do a reading from your book? 511 00:20:25,472 --> 00:20:27,752 Oh, no, I don't think people would really want to... 512 00:20:27,753 --> 00:20:29,391 Oh, go on, please! 513 00:20:29,392 --> 00:20:32,191 Do it in your Egyptian accent, like you did in bed the other night. 514 00:20:32,192 --> 00:20:33,230 That was so funny. 515 00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:34,310 I really don't... 516 00:20:34,311 --> 00:20:35,232 You can do it, mate. 517 00:20:37,472 --> 00:20:38,672 Hi. 518 00:20:39,832 --> 00:20:41,551 Hi, everyone. Thanks... 519 00:20:41,552 --> 00:20:43,591 thanks for coming. Erm... 520 00:20:43,592 --> 00:20:46,271 I-I just wanted to say... 521 00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:49,031 vanity, all is vanity. 522 00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:52,591 Like Pharaoh Khufu, I have built a great tomb. 523 00:20:52,592 --> 00:20:56,031 But tonight I'm not going to bury you in it with me. 524 00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:58,231 Er, except with the admittedly generous 525 00:20:58,232 --> 00:21:01,511 mounds of peanuts that you'll see I've provided. 526 00:21:01,512 --> 00:21:06,231 No, tonight, I just want to say that this book... 527 00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:07,551 is a disaster. 528 00:21:07,552 --> 00:21:09,831 It's a travesty. 529 00:21:09,832 --> 00:21:11,031 It's proof... 530 00:21:11,032 --> 00:21:12,831 of a broken promise. 531 00:21:12,832 --> 00:21:15,191 But I want to announce here 532 00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:18,071 that I will be aggressively pursuing British London 533 00:21:18,072 --> 00:21:19,552 in the small claims court, 534 00:21:19,553 --> 00:21:23,351 therefore proving the wisdom of my seventh chapter, 535 00:21:23,352 --> 00:21:27,311 Make UK Company Law Into Your Anubis. 536 00:21:27,312 --> 00:21:30,671 Or, as the BL spell-check has rendered it, 537 00:21:30,672 --> 00:21:35,072 Make UK Company Law Your Omnibus. 538 00:21:38,112 --> 00:21:40,271 It was OK, wasn't it? 539 00:21:40,272 --> 00:21:43,551 It was a weird and uplifting night of recriminations 540 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:46,031 and complicated legal debate. 541 00:21:46,032 --> 00:21:47,871 And, Jeremy, I wanted to apologise 542 00:21:47,872 --> 00:21:50,271 for saying your life coaching was bullshit. 543 00:21:50,272 --> 00:21:53,191 Water under the bridge, as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing. 544 00:21:53,192 --> 00:21:56,111 'Not even going to correct him. That's how big I've become. 545 00:21:56,112 --> 00:21:58,751 'I'm enormous, like the sun god Ra.' 546 00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:02,391 OK. Wow. Right. This must be the only publishing house 547 00:22:02,392 --> 00:22:04,671 that looks like it could also do you an MoT. 548 00:22:04,672 --> 00:22:06,432 I wanted to give you something, mate. 549 00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:08,591 Greg? 550 00:22:08,592 --> 00:22:09,672 Mm. 551 00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,912 Here we are, hot off the presses. 552 00:22:17,752 --> 00:22:19,311 Oh, my God! 553 00:22:19,312 --> 00:22:21,551 Usbourne with a U and everything! 554 00:22:21,552 --> 00:22:23,591 You got my name right, Mark! 555 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,672 I also do business cards. 556 00:22:24,673 --> 00:22:28,391 You may have failed the course, but you can be a life coach anyway. 557 00:22:28,392 --> 00:22:29,512 This is amazing. 558 00:22:29,513 --> 00:22:32,031 Ooh, stars! Four stars! What are the stars for? 559 00:22:32,032 --> 00:22:34,151 Well, I just thought you deserved some stars. 560 00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:35,751 Only four, though? 561 00:22:35,752 --> 00:22:38,391 I thought about doing five, but I didn't want to push it. 562 00:22:38,392 --> 00:22:39,232 Fair do's. 563 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,111 But I did put "Grade - excellent", 564 00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:43,191 cos I think you'll make an excellent life coach. 565 00:22:43,192 --> 00:22:45,031 Thank you, Mark. 566 00:22:45,032 --> 00:22:47,111 God, look at it! 567 00:22:47,112 --> 00:22:49,751 Approved by the British Life Coaching Confederation. Fancy! 568 00:22:49,752 --> 00:22:52,031 And the great thing is that the genuine document 569 00:22:52,032 --> 00:22:54,551 is so worthless that there's very little chance of the forgery 570 00:22:54,552 --> 00:22:55,592 being detected. 571 00:22:55,593 --> 00:22:57,951 No-one will ever know! I can't be found out! 572 00:22:57,952 --> 00:22:59,152 See you in court, Greg. 573 00:22:59,153 --> 00:23:00,751 Look, Mark, 574 00:23:00,752 --> 00:23:03,471 I know this place isn't great. I'm in-between offices. 575 00:23:03,472 --> 00:23:06,671 But BL is for real, and I really did love your book, 576 00:23:06,672 --> 00:23:08,112 and you're a great writer. 577 00:23:08,113 --> 00:23:10,591 Yeah, pull the other one, it's got bells on. 578 00:23:10,592 --> 00:23:13,511 You're a talent, Mark. I'm building a list. 579 00:23:13,512 --> 00:23:16,151 I've been speaking to Jeanette Winterson. Apparently, 580 00:23:16,152 --> 00:23:17,671 she's not happy over at Vintage. 581 00:23:17,672 --> 00:23:19,792 I want to publish your next book. What's it about? 582 00:23:19,793 --> 00:23:23,031 Well, not that it's any of your beeswax, but I was thinking about 583 00:23:23,032 --> 00:23:25,271 doing something on Napoleon and the internet. 584 00:23:25,272 --> 00:23:26,951 Now, that sounds amazing. 585 00:23:26,952 --> 00:23:29,791 How about that and a second run of BS Of The Ps, 586 00:23:29,792 --> 00:23:31,670 correct the errata, no upfront payment. 587 00:23:31,671 --> 00:23:33,430 You would just put in a small bridging loan. 588 00:23:33,431 --> 00:23:34,232 Come on! 589 00:23:34,233 --> 00:23:36,791 What do you think, Jez? He couldn't do it twice. 590 00:23:36,792 --> 00:23:38,911 No, that would be impossible! 591 00:23:38,912 --> 00:23:41,352 Come on, mate, I'm life-coaching you out of here. 592 00:23:44,032 --> 00:23:52,939 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 46329

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