All language subtitles for Peep Show - S08E02 - Business Secrets of the Pharaohs
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Ewe
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Ga
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kurdish (Soranî)
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lingala
Lithuanian
Lozi
Luganda
Luo
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Montenegrin
Nepali
Nigerian Pidgin
Northern Sotho
Norwegian
Norwegian (Nynorsk)
Occitan
Oriya
Oromo
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Punjabi
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Runyakitara
Russian
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Serbo-Croatian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Spanish (Latin American)
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Tatar
Telugu
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Tshiluba
Tumbuka
Turkish
Turkmen
Twi
Uighur
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,799 --> 00:00:04,518
♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well
2
00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:08,214
♪ And I'm so hot
3
00:00:08,215 --> 00:00:12,475
♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪
4
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:18,021
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
5
00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:19,221
Glass shower door.
6
00:00:19,222 --> 00:00:20,460
Attractive,
7
00:00:20,552 --> 00:00:23,331
but soon the streaks will appear.
8
00:00:23,332 --> 00:00:25,252
The thing about
bathroom accessories is
9
00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:28,817
I can sell you your dream bathroom -
I'd be delighted to...
10
00:00:28,818 --> 00:00:31,897
but it don't mean a ting
if it ain't got that swing.
11
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,617
The old WP.
12
00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,057
Water pressure.
13
00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:38,657
And I'm sorry,
but that just ain't my department.
14
00:00:38,658 --> 00:00:41,617
Mark, mate, you do know that
the more you talk about bathrooms,
15
00:00:41,618 --> 00:00:44,737
the more I feel quite strongly
that I'd like to kill myself?
16
00:00:45,010 --> 00:00:46,170
At least I have a job.
17
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,809
Yeah, all right, no need to lord it,
Armitage Shanks.
18
00:00:48,810 --> 00:00:51,529
I've actually got a very exciting
new career lined up.
19
00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,529
You know you're too old to be
a rent boy?
20
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:55,170
There's not a big market
for rent men.
21
00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:57,409
I'm going to be a therapist.
22
00:00:57,410 --> 00:01:00,089
Yes, but what kind of mad therapy?
23
00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:04,729
Jezicise, where you hump people
better with crystals?
24
00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:07,009
I guess it's better
than some of your job ideas,
25
00:01:07,010 --> 00:01:08,649
like becoming an admiral.
26
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:10,169
I'm a highly intuitive person.
27
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:13,289
I'd make a great therapist.
Look at all the pussy I bag!
28
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:15,889
Is that particular quote
from Jung or Freud?
29
00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:18,649
I found this course -
Personal Invoicing Life Coaching.
30
00:01:18,650 --> 00:01:20,889
And they've got
some great-looking certificates.
31
00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:24,289
It's basically all the best things
about therapy and self-help
32
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:25,386
but without the...
33
00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:26,188
Hard work?
34
00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:28,747
..unnecessary bolt-ons. The extras.
35
00:01:29,406 --> 00:01:30,325
Golf?
36
00:01:30,326 --> 00:01:32,285
Yeah. It's to show
that it's for wankers in shirts
37
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,446
as well as freaks with bum bags.
It's proper, Mark.
38
00:01:35,111 --> 00:01:36,949
They've got a website.
39
00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:39,829
Oh, well, I'm sorry. If they've got
a website, the people running it
40
00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,189
definitely have fingers.
And a computer.
41
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,309
Or at least the address
of an internet cafe.
42
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,549
It's a week's intensive training,
and then bang, I'm out there.
43
00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:47,602
After a week?
44
00:01:47,603 --> 00:01:49,802
Mark, if it looks like a life coach
45
00:01:49,803 --> 00:01:52,163
and it's got a certificate
saying that it's a life coach,
46
00:01:52,164 --> 00:01:53,802
then it's probably a life coach.
47
00:01:53,803 --> 00:01:57,163
'Although it might in fact
be a failed musician with chlamydia.'
48
00:01:59,563 --> 00:02:01,202
'Oh, God,
I am now in the morning
49
00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:03,081
'and I should have been in bed
in the night.
50
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,883
'And I have to get up for work
in the morning!
51
00:02:04,884 --> 00:02:07,682
'Not next morning, this morning!
52
00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:09,762
'Oh, Simon, the ex.'
53
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,203
Here you go, guys.
Celebrate the start-up. Cheers!
54
00:02:12,204 --> 00:02:15,842
'It's so great that we get to
hang out with our girlfriends' exes
55
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:18,322
'in the modern world. So relaxing.'
56
00:02:18,323 --> 00:02:21,522
Good luck to you in this incredibly
hostile business environment.
57
00:02:21,523 --> 00:02:23,802
Thanks, man. What are you up
to right now, Mark?
58
00:02:23,803 --> 00:02:25,722
Me? Oh... retail.
59
00:02:25,723 --> 00:02:28,123
Reckon the high street's
going to make a comeback.
60
00:02:28,124 --> 00:02:29,322
So, er...
61
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,643
yeah. Very exciting.
62
00:02:32,843 --> 00:02:34,083
Bathroom supplies.
63
00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:35,362
Oh!
64
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:38,202
'I've dropped the B word,
and they don't know what to say.'
65
00:02:38,203 --> 00:02:40,842
Yes, that's my niche.
Shitting and washing.
66
00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:42,762
Those babies are recession-proof.
67
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,562
Mark's also been working on a book!
68
00:02:45,563 --> 00:02:46,762
Oh, OK, cool!
69
00:02:46,763 --> 00:02:48,562
'I love you, Dobby.'
70
00:02:48,563 --> 00:02:49,723
Oh, it's... it's nothing.
71
00:02:49,724 --> 00:02:50,762
Oh. OK.
72
00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:52,402
Well, I mean, it is something.
73
00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:54,723
- I just don't want to talk about it.
- Understood.
74
00:02:56,163 --> 00:02:58,642
Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs,
it's called.
75
00:02:58,643 --> 00:03:01,842
I've got it in with several
publishers. The... initial chapters.
76
00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:04,162
It's good,
cos you sit down thinking,
77
00:03:04,163 --> 00:03:07,202
"OK, this is gonna be
fucking boring,"
78
00:03:07,203 --> 00:03:10,563
but then you're, like,
"Mm, maybe not!"
79
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,562
So, what are the business secrets
of the pharaohs?
80
00:03:14,563 --> 00:03:16,642
Well, look, the first thing
is to acknowledge
81
00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:18,083
that the Ancient Egyptian era
82
00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:20,083
is so completely different
from our own
83
00:03:20,084 --> 00:03:22,842
that any cultural, political
or business parallels
84
00:03:22,843 --> 00:03:25,243
that we draw between the two eras
are by their very nature
85
00:03:25,244 --> 00:03:27,043
almost bound to be wrong.
86
00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:33,362
Oh, look who it is!
87
00:03:33,363 --> 00:03:35,162
Hey, Mark, listen.
88
00:03:35,163 --> 00:03:37,163
They've offered me a job
at the start-up!
89
00:03:38,243 --> 00:03:39,722
Oh. Wow. Great!
90
00:03:39,723 --> 00:03:43,202
'Oh, God, Dobby bound
more tightly with "the clique",
91
00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:45,482
'more endless evenings out.'
92
00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:48,002
I'm so bored doing IT
for the council, Mark.
93
00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:51,402
With any luck, it'll be one
of the 5% of internet start-ups
94
00:03:51,403 --> 00:03:53,842
that don't fold
within the first 18 months.
95
00:03:53,843 --> 00:03:55,122
Right.
96
00:03:55,123 --> 00:03:57,162
'God, I love those made-up stats.'
97
00:03:57,163 --> 00:04:00,282
It's just, ever since Gerrard died,
I've been thinking,
98
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,922
life's so short.
You've gotta seize the day.
99
00:04:02,923 --> 00:04:05,882
'Gerrard! Back from the grave
to foil my plans,
100
00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,323
'like a boring Dracula.'
101
00:04:09,803 --> 00:04:14,122
So, welcome to
Personal Invoicing Life Coaching.
102
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:17,482
I'm Celia. Everyone sit down,
and we'll get started.
103
00:04:17,483 --> 00:04:20,042
'So, who have we got here?
The competition.
104
00:04:20,043 --> 00:04:22,443
'Yeah, get your life coached
by a failed supply teacher
105
00:04:22,444 --> 00:04:25,722
'with the easy charm of a nonce
in a prison yard. No, thanks.
106
00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,962
'And... got your number, baby.
107
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:30,321
'Life coaching course equals
non-judgmental space
108
00:04:30,322 --> 00:04:32,761
'to meet similar freaks
for mutual hippy touching.'
109
00:04:32,762 --> 00:04:34,043
So, did everyone get a chance
110
00:04:34,044 --> 00:04:36,723
to read through the course textbook
that I mentioned in my e-mail?
111
00:04:37,683 --> 00:04:39,202
'Fucking squares.
112
00:04:39,203 --> 00:04:42,202
'Who's got time to read all the way
down to the bottom of an e-mail?'
113
00:04:42,203 --> 00:04:45,402
So, what did everyone think
of the core principles? Hm?
114
00:04:45,403 --> 00:04:47,122
How about you...
115
00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:48,202
Jeremy?
116
00:04:48,203 --> 00:04:50,202
'OK, here we go, hero or zero.'
117
00:04:50,203 --> 00:04:53,162
Me? Er, I thought...
118
00:04:53,163 --> 00:04:55,522
Well, to be honest with you,
I thought it was...
119
00:04:55,523 --> 00:04:56,602
shit.
120
00:04:56,603 --> 00:04:57,843
What, all of it?
121
00:04:57,844 --> 00:05:00,122
Look, I'm not gonna sit here
and regurgitate
122
00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:01,561
a whole load of book learning.
123
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,323
'..that I have no idea what it is.'
124
00:05:03,324 --> 00:05:06,522
I mean, yeah, I read it,
and yeah... fine,
125
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,842
but... when you're
in the head space forest,
126
00:05:08,843 --> 00:05:12,482
you can't look in no textbook
when you've got a 300lb emotion
127
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:15,802
racing at you with its claws out,
crying.
128
00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:17,922
I think I know what you mean.
It's quite true.
129
00:05:17,923 --> 00:05:21,323
'Of course it's quite true.
I just made it up.'
130
00:05:22,763 --> 00:05:23,682
Hiya.
131
00:05:23,683 --> 00:05:24,722
Hi, Jez. Jez!
132
00:05:24,723 --> 00:05:27,882
Have a glass of something that
for legal reasons must call itself
133
00:05:27,883 --> 00:05:30,762
"sparkling grape-style
drinking wine".
134
00:05:30,763 --> 00:05:31,802
Er, thanks.
135
00:05:31,803 --> 00:05:34,043
'Have they found some legal way
to force me out of the flat?'
136
00:05:34,044 --> 00:05:36,082
Mark's found a publisher
for his book!
137
00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:38,202
Brilliant. 'His book?
138
00:05:38,203 --> 00:05:40,682
'What next -
he's found a director for his film,
139
00:05:40,683 --> 00:05:42,242
'a builder for his cathedral?'
140
00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,322
Got the e-mail today. From BL Books.
141
00:05:44,323 --> 00:05:46,082
Very enthusiastic.
142
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,242
They've got a slot as long
as I can finish my rewrites ASAP.
143
00:05:49,243 --> 00:05:52,162
I guess what this shows
is hard work pays dividends.
144
00:05:52,163 --> 00:05:53,802
Mm, I know what you mean.
145
00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:56,762
I was working pretty hard today
on my course.
146
00:05:56,763 --> 00:05:57,802
Yeah. Exactly.
147
00:05:57,803 --> 00:06:00,083
'Appearing on I'm A Celebrity
is not the same as winning
148
00:06:00,084 --> 00:06:01,522
'an Olympic gold medal.'
149
00:06:01,523 --> 00:06:04,642
I suppose this means it's all
looking up for the El Dude Brothers,
150
00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,442
or JK Rowling and Sigmund Freud,
151
00:06:06,443 --> 00:06:09,123
as we should probably
start calling ourselves.
152
00:06:13,243 --> 00:06:16,162
'Sir Steven Redgrave and Timmy
Mallett might be more appropriate.'
153
00:06:16,163 --> 00:06:18,242
'I could write a book.
Piece of piss.
154
00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:20,802
'Chapter one. The end.
There you go. Book.'
155
00:06:20,803 --> 00:06:23,202
So, how was the life coaching?
156
00:06:23,203 --> 00:06:26,522
Good. Great, actually.
Did a load of great exercises.
157
00:06:26,523 --> 00:06:28,242
Pretty sure I won.
158
00:06:28,243 --> 00:06:30,601
Not that it's a competition,
but it was pretty clear
159
00:06:30,602 --> 00:06:31,683
I was the best.
160
00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,242
Actually, they want me to find
a volunteer to practise on.
161
00:06:34,243 --> 00:06:36,162
Well, life-coach me!
162
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,042
I'm a gormless dweeb
stuck on the horns of a dilemma.
163
00:06:39,043 --> 00:06:41,042
But, Dobs, Game Of Thrones?
164
00:06:41,043 --> 00:06:43,403
Yeah, we can put the dragon tits
on pause, can't we?
165
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,322
Just got to nip
to the disgustatorium.
166
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,163
No need to think about what
I'm gonna do.
167
00:06:48,164 --> 00:06:50,123
Then feel free to coach my ass!
168
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:56,242
Jez, will you please get your filthy
hands out of my girlfriend's brain?
169
00:06:56,243 --> 00:06:56,961
What?
170
00:06:56,962 --> 00:06:58,603
You'd better not be about to tell her
171
00:06:58,604 --> 00:07:01,642
to "expect more out of life"
or "follow her heart".
172
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:04,322
I'm gonna tell her what's right for
her. We have a code of ethics.
173
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,842
It's a professional discipline.
There's a pamphlet!
174
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,602
I want to be her life coach.
We can't both be her life coach.
175
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:12,602
You can't be her life coach, Mark.
You haven't got a certificate.
176
00:07:12,603 --> 00:07:15,882
I could if I spent 200 quid and
went to Forest Hill for five hours.
177
00:07:15,883 --> 00:07:18,162
OK, Jez, ready!
178
00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:20,682
Please, Jez! Can you coach her
that Simon's a shit
179
00:07:20,683 --> 00:07:22,242
and to stop hanging out with him?
180
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:23,602
All right.
181
00:07:23,603 --> 00:07:28,122
But I'm warning you, I'm only gonna
do one unethical thing in my career.
182
00:07:28,123 --> 00:07:30,363
It just happens to be
the very first thing.
183
00:07:33,763 --> 00:07:36,202
Mark? Are you stirring your coffee
184
00:07:36,203 --> 00:07:39,322
very quietly without chinking
the side so I can't hear
185
00:07:39,323 --> 00:07:40,963
and you don't have to make one
for me?
186
00:07:40,964 --> 00:07:42,602
What? No!
187
00:07:42,603 --> 00:07:45,842
'Oh, he's rumbled
the velvet spoon routine.
188
00:07:45,843 --> 00:07:47,243
'That's been good for years.'
189
00:07:47,244 --> 00:07:49,243
Midnight coffee?
You're not gonna go barmy
190
00:07:49,244 --> 00:07:51,602
and start phoning up 5 live
saying you've seen
191
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:54,122
the end of civilisation
in the bottom of a Bargain Bucket?
192
00:07:54,123 --> 00:07:57,443
Look, it's just I'm on a roll.
I've done 6,000 words since 6pm.
193
00:07:59,163 --> 00:08:02,242
Yeah, I know. You type like you're
trying to massacre imaginary ants
194
00:08:02,243 --> 00:08:03,523
swarming your keyboard.
195
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,042
I've had seven black coffees
196
00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,963
and I feel like
I'm really nailing it.
197
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,482
Mark, you're in caps.
198
00:08:09,483 --> 00:08:11,963
It looks like you've been in caps
for a few hours.
199
00:08:11,964 --> 00:08:14,762
Caps still count! I've just drawn
an irresistible comparison
200
00:08:14,763 --> 00:08:17,082
between Mentuhotep V and Branson.
201
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:19,842
I'm thinking of drawing Branson
as a hieroglyph. What do you think?
202
00:08:19,843 --> 00:08:23,802
I think maybe you should get
quite a lot of sleep.
203
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,362
I just need to hit a thousand more
words, then a spell-check,
204
00:08:26,363 --> 00:08:27,842
then I'm done.
205
00:08:27,843 --> 00:08:30,882
- Ah, don't worry about
the spell-check, dude.
- You don't think?
206
00:08:30,883 --> 00:08:33,522
No. They'll have a big spellchecker
with all the latest words.
207
00:08:33,523 --> 00:08:35,082
That's what publishers are
208
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:37,802
these days - spellcheckers
who take you out for lunch.
209
00:08:37,803 --> 00:08:40,802
'Yeah, keep killing those ants,
Charles Dickens.
210
00:08:40,803 --> 00:08:42,163
'Private meeting with the tutor!
211
00:08:42,164 --> 00:08:44,322
'Leave the life buses
at the bus stop...
212
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:45,762
'I'm getting the coach!'
213
00:08:45,763 --> 00:08:48,242
Great morning.
You're an amazing therapist.
214
00:08:48,243 --> 00:08:51,082
Thanks, Jez. But I'm a life coach,
not a therapist.
215
00:08:51,083 --> 00:08:53,242
Yeah. Right. Exactly.
216
00:08:53,243 --> 00:08:56,162
Who can be bothered to get a degree
and spend four years moaning on
217
00:08:56,163 --> 00:08:59,042
about how your gran sent you to
primary school with raw chicken
218
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,762
in your packed lunch, because
she'd mixed up the Tupperware boxes
219
00:09:01,763 --> 00:09:03,721
and you thought
she was trying to poison you?
220
00:09:03,722 --> 00:09:04,523
Did that happen to you?
221
00:09:04,524 --> 00:09:07,322
Er, yeah, yeah, it did, actually.
We laughed about it.
222
00:09:07,323 --> 00:09:09,322
'Mixing up the boxes?
Yeah, right!
223
00:09:09,323 --> 00:09:11,722
'I know you were trying
to kill me, Gran.'
224
00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:13,601
So, er, any idea
what you're gonna have?
225
00:09:13,602 --> 00:09:15,883
You need to check with me
before you make your decision?
226
00:09:15,884 --> 00:09:18,962
Just... curious. I was thinking
about having the burger?
227
00:09:18,963 --> 00:09:20,683
Why do you say that like a question?
228
00:09:20,684 --> 00:09:22,162
I-I don't know.
229
00:09:22,163 --> 00:09:24,402
Well, if you want the burger,
order the burger.
230
00:09:24,403 --> 00:09:26,043
I mean, I was gonna
order the burger,
231
00:09:26,044 --> 00:09:28,962
but now I feel like you've got a
problem with me ordering the burger?
232
00:09:28,963 --> 00:09:30,403
And what makes you feel that way?
233
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,402
Because we're talking quite a lot
about me ordering the burger?
234
00:09:33,403 --> 00:09:35,082
You guys ready to order?
235
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,322
Er... yeah.
236
00:09:36,323 --> 00:09:38,522
I think I'll have the...
237
00:09:38,523 --> 00:09:39,681
halloumi salad?
238
00:09:39,682 --> 00:09:40,963
Anything to drink?
239
00:09:40,964 --> 00:09:42,762
Water...?
240
00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:46,242
'Salad and a water?!
I'm ordering myself a horrible lunch
241
00:09:46,243 --> 00:09:48,762
'and somehow also
totally getting everything wrong.'
242
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:50,162
And for you?
243
00:09:50,163 --> 00:09:52,603
Actually, you know what? Fuck it.
I'll have a Coke. Man Coke,
244
00:09:52,604 --> 00:09:54,603
not any Wayne Rooney,
hair-transplant bullshit.
245
00:09:54,604 --> 00:09:57,802
And screw the salad - I'll have a
burger. And a chocolate cheesecake.
246
00:09:57,803 --> 00:10:00,682
Yeah, that's right, I'm ordering
pudding before I've even started
247
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,942
my main course. If you've got
a problem, send out the manager.
248
00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,838
Good! I'll have the same.
249
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,199
I know what I want.
And I'm not afraid to ask for it.
250
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,518
Look, I'm just gonna say this.
251
00:10:10,519 --> 00:10:12,078
I love you, Celia.
252
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:14,518
'So great for a first date!
253
00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:16,279
'Stone-cold classic.'
254
00:10:17,719 --> 00:10:21,598
'Afternoon delight,
nailing the course and the tutor!'
255
00:10:21,624 --> 00:10:24,000
- I'm the boss.
- You're the boss.
256
00:10:24,001 --> 00:10:25,721
And I've got a fucking grass skirt.
257
00:10:25,722 --> 00:10:28,280
Oh, yes, you've got a grass skirt.
258
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,720
A grass skirt made of dicks.
259
00:10:30,943 --> 00:10:32,462
Mm-hm...
260
00:10:32,463 --> 00:10:33,863
I've cut all the dicks off...
261
00:10:35,143 --> 00:10:37,742
..and they're hanging
from my skirt.
262
00:10:37,743 --> 00:10:39,502
Does that make you hard, Jeremy?
263
00:10:39,503 --> 00:10:40,862
Oh, yeah...
264
00:10:40,863 --> 00:10:42,582
Just... go for it, Jeremy.
265
00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:43,303
I'm sorry?
266
00:10:43,304 --> 00:10:44,822
Just go for it.
267
00:10:44,823 --> 00:10:46,582
Right...
268
00:10:46,583 --> 00:10:47,942
I-I am going for it?
269
00:10:47,943 --> 00:10:50,222
Oh. Fine.
270
00:10:50,223 --> 00:10:52,503
S-Sorry, it's just...
by telling me to go for it,
271
00:10:52,504 --> 00:10:55,502
it felt like you were saying
I'm not going for it.
272
00:10:55,503 --> 00:10:57,782
No. No, I was just checking.
273
00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:00,382
Right. And the severed dicks?
274
00:11:00,383 --> 00:11:03,502
Th... The skirt made of...?
What is that?
275
00:11:03,503 --> 00:11:06,782
I was in the moment, Jez!
276
00:11:06,783 --> 00:11:08,222
God!
277
00:11:08,223 --> 00:11:10,582
Sorry if I broke a taboo.
278
00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:12,383
Who wants boundaries in the bedroom?
279
00:11:12,384 --> 00:11:14,022
Now...
280
00:11:14,023 --> 00:11:16,702
you tell me your fantasy.
281
00:11:16,703 --> 00:11:20,142
'OK. My fantasy. What is my fantasy?
It's basically just humping.
282
00:11:20,143 --> 00:11:23,783
'I love humping.
But need something more edgy.'
283
00:11:26,023 --> 00:11:27,943
Sorry about the last-minute venue
change.
284
00:11:27,944 --> 00:11:29,943
Just, er... on my way
to the Frankfurt Book Fair.
285
00:11:29,944 --> 00:11:33,142
No problem. You're a busy guy
with a lot of irons in the fire.
286
00:11:33,143 --> 00:11:35,102
Tch! Yeah. Exactly.
287
00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:37,782
'This must be the greatest quantity
of squeezable mustard
288
00:11:37,783 --> 00:11:39,423
'ever present at a literary lunch.'
289
00:11:39,424 --> 00:11:43,142
Anyway, just wanted to catch you
to say how much I loved your book.
290
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:44,223
Oh, wow! Thank you!
291
00:11:44,224 --> 00:11:46,142
Cos I hurried finishing it,
292
00:11:46,143 --> 00:11:47,663
I was worried I overdid
Chapter Three.
293
00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:48,382
No.
294
00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:49,469
It's not too obvious,
295
00:11:49,470 --> 00:11:52,108
the parallel between the Nubians
and the Assyrians,
296
00:11:52,109 --> 00:11:55,468
and a modern business's enemies,
web competitors and Chinese imports?
297
00:11:55,469 --> 00:11:57,748
Actually, my favourite chapter.
298
00:11:57,749 --> 00:11:59,027
God, that is so great to hear!
299
00:11:59,028 --> 00:12:01,467
Cos it's initially compelling,
but I was worried...
300
00:12:01,468 --> 00:12:03,389
No, don't worry about the book.
Book's...
301
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,948
book's great.
302
00:12:04,949 --> 00:12:08,388
Thing is, we've actually just had
some bad news from Denmark.
303
00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:11,868
Hamlet's back, and he's made
his final decision to be?
304
00:12:11,869 --> 00:12:14,388
'God, I'm such an oaf!
In publishing, he must have heard
305
00:12:14,389 --> 00:12:16,028
'a million Hamlet jokes.'
306
00:12:16,029 --> 00:12:19,188
It's where we get our books printed.
And in the last week,
307
00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:21,468
the paper costs have just
skyrocketed.
308
00:12:21,469 --> 00:12:22,868
It's the euro.
309
00:12:22,869 --> 00:12:24,748
Oh, of course. The euro!
310
00:12:24,749 --> 00:12:27,468
The bloody euro
getting it wrong again.
311
00:12:27,469 --> 00:12:28,828
It's hitting everyone.
312
00:12:28,829 --> 00:12:31,748
The upshot is we're having to ask
all our authors to put in 2K
313
00:12:31,749 --> 00:12:33,388
just to cover the extra costs.
314
00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:35,108
Oh... right.
315
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:36,868
It's unavoidable, unfortunately.
316
00:12:36,869 --> 00:12:39,788
I mean, Rushdie is pissing blood
over at Jonathan Cape, apparently.
317
00:12:39,789 --> 00:12:42,948
But... big picture - the book is
going to be such a monster hit,
318
00:12:42,949 --> 00:12:44,109
there's no downside.
319
00:12:44,110 --> 00:12:45,588
Oh, there's no downside?
320
00:12:45,589 --> 00:12:48,188
No. In fact, I am so confident,
I am prepared to cut you
321
00:12:48,189 --> 00:12:52,028
an extra percentage point on books
sold over a quarter of a million.
322
00:12:52,029 --> 00:12:53,948
Oh, wow! That... that's great!
323
00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:55,389
'Mm. Don't act too pleased.
324
00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:56,748
'Remember Johnson.
325
00:12:56,749 --> 00:12:59,308
'"Keep your panties dry
till the big guy's hard."'
326
00:12:59,309 --> 00:13:00,468
Tell you what,
327
00:13:00,469 --> 00:13:04,949
Greg, why don't we go 50/50 on
net profits over a million units?
328
00:13:05,949 --> 00:13:07,028
Oh!
329
00:13:07,029 --> 00:13:09,308
Yeah, I forgot I was talking
to a business guru.
330
00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:11,468
What the hell.
331
00:13:11,469 --> 00:13:12,949
Nice doing business with you.
332
00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:14,869
'I'm killing these guys!'
333
00:13:15,952 --> 00:13:17,272
Greg really liked the draft.
334
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:19,911
He had no notes at all,
which was pretty sweet.
335
00:13:19,912 --> 00:13:23,151
He was even fine about me
missing the deadline.
336
00:13:23,152 --> 00:13:25,632
Right... But how much
are they paying you upfront?
337
00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:29,791
Publishing isn't an
upfront situation these days.
338
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:31,832
You've got to put in seed money
for the first run.
339
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,671
They're asking you to pay?
340
00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:36,631
It's a totally standard deal
for first-time authors.
341
00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:40,952
But the poor guys, I'm absolutely
killing them on the big-unit deals.
342
00:13:42,472 --> 00:13:46,791
Does JK Rowling pay to have
Harry Potter books published?
343
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,271
That's different. Harry Potter books
are about wizards, for children.
344
00:13:50,272 --> 00:13:53,951
My book is about pharaohs,
for adults.
345
00:13:53,952 --> 00:13:56,031
Right. OK...
346
00:13:56,032 --> 00:13:57,791
In fact, it was the unluckiest day
347
00:13:57,792 --> 00:14:01,071
of JK Rowling's life when she got
picked up by a publishing house.
348
00:14:01,072 --> 00:14:02,272
Greg from British London
349
00:14:02,273 --> 00:14:05,071
was saying, imagine
if she'd self-published!
350
00:14:05,072 --> 00:14:08,551
"British London"?
Doesn't that sound a bit...
351
00:14:08,552 --> 00:14:10,032
Too patriotic for your liking?
352
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,431
..made up?
353
00:14:11,432 --> 00:14:15,271
So what if it's made up? Do you think
Penguin was founded by a penguin?
354
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,271
In a sense, everything's made up.
355
00:14:17,272 --> 00:14:19,951
I don't like the way these
percentiles are looking at me.
356
00:14:19,952 --> 00:14:21,512
Right, well, thanks for that, Hans,
357
00:14:21,513 --> 00:14:24,151
but I really wouldn't worry.
It's a gentleman's agreement.
358
00:14:24,152 --> 00:14:26,991
Well, it looks like you've agreed
these gentlemen can arse-fuck you.
359
00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,271
Just, erm...
360
00:14:28,272 --> 00:14:29,791
be careful. OK, mate?
361
00:14:29,792 --> 00:14:31,192
'Jeremy is the voice of reason,
362
00:14:31,193 --> 00:14:33,791
'and Super Hans is giving me
legal advice.
363
00:14:33,792 --> 00:14:35,312
'Doesn't feel great.'
364
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:39,391
I went to see Trish and Simon
and everyone in the new office.
365
00:14:39,392 --> 00:14:42,671
'Tch! No doubt their office
is a converted warehouse
366
00:14:42,672 --> 00:14:45,351
'full of smoothie makers
and basketball hoops
367
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,031
'and rim jobs.'
368
00:14:47,032 --> 00:14:49,071
I was like, "Fuck it. Why not?"
369
00:14:49,072 --> 00:14:51,272
So I handed in my notice
at the council yesterday!
370
00:14:51,273 --> 00:14:54,031
Oh... Wow, that's...
371
00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:55,031
amazing.
372
00:14:55,032 --> 00:14:56,152
I know!
373
00:15:00,472 --> 00:15:01,752
Jeremy, you've failed.
374
00:15:01,753 --> 00:15:03,752
She's done exactly what she wanted.
375
00:15:03,753 --> 00:15:05,711
I tried, but it's difficult.
376
00:15:05,712 --> 00:15:08,070
Spirit crushing comes
much more naturally to you.
377
00:15:08,071 --> 00:15:09,272
This won't work.
378
00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:12,351
You should have told her the truth.
Dreams crumble to dust.
379
00:15:12,352 --> 00:15:14,792
Your motto. You should put that
on your business cards.
380
00:15:14,793 --> 00:15:18,831
Anyway, chill out.
If you love something, set it free.
381
00:15:18,832 --> 00:15:21,551
What if I love a black mamba?
Should I set that free?
382
00:15:21,552 --> 00:15:23,431
Is that what you and Sting want,
383
00:15:23,432 --> 00:15:25,792
a venomous killer loose
on the streets of south London?
384
00:15:28,152 --> 00:15:31,031
So, thinking about the book launch...
385
00:15:31,032 --> 00:15:32,832
cash bar, but I might provide nuts.
386
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,391
Salted or dry roasted, though?
387
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,631
Salted are classic -
everyone loves salt...
388
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:40,072
but expensive in the quantities
I want to provide.
389
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,271
It's tricky.
390
00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:42,791
Aren't London British paying?
391
00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:45,111
British London.
No, not in the current climate.
392
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:48,471
OK, time to hit go,
make the transfer,
393
00:15:48,472 --> 00:15:51,271
let BL fire up the printing press.
394
00:15:51,272 --> 00:15:55,231
Mark?! Ј2,000?
395
00:15:55,232 --> 00:15:57,751
The situation in Denmark
is deteriorating. That's a fact.
396
00:15:57,752 --> 00:16:00,831
Ink shortage. But if I move quickly,
BL might be able to get me some.
397
00:16:00,832 --> 00:16:02,112
They have a guy in Hamburg.
398
00:16:02,113 --> 00:16:05,071
'Oh, my God, he's actually
going through with it.
399
00:16:05,072 --> 00:16:07,271
'He's cracking his nest egg
and frying it up
400
00:16:07,272 --> 00:16:09,671
'to make these arseholes
a delicious breakfast.'
401
00:16:09,672 --> 00:16:10,831
Hey!
402
00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:12,351
Mark, I can't let you do this.
403
00:16:12,352 --> 00:16:14,471
Return my mouse, Jeremy.
That's my property.
404
00:16:14,472 --> 00:16:16,831
You're censoring me.
I'm calling Amnesty.
405
00:16:16,832 --> 00:16:19,031
Go ahead.
I'm sure they'll be fascinated,
406
00:16:19,032 --> 00:16:22,111
but the mouse is staying with me.
I'm doing an intervention on you.
407
00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:25,431
All you're doing is preventing
an important work of world literature
408
00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:26,470
from going to press.
409
00:16:26,471 --> 00:16:28,872
Why don't you "intervene"
on Ian McEwan or Tony Parsons?
410
00:16:30,272 --> 00:16:33,071
I'm going to say two words
that you don't want to hear.
411
00:16:33,072 --> 00:16:34,152
"Vanity publishing."
412
00:16:35,192 --> 00:16:37,711
You're just jealous
because I'm a successful author
413
00:16:37,712 --> 00:16:39,751
and you're an unemployed dope smoker
414
00:16:39,752 --> 00:16:43,831
who, even after 20 years of doing it,
still can't roll very good joints.
415
00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:46,471
I just think you need to be
realistic about your targets,
416
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:47,672
aims and expectations.
417
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,911
Are you trying to life-coach me?!
418
00:16:49,912 --> 00:16:51,351
Maybe.
419
00:16:51,352 --> 00:16:54,031
I'm the one who should be doing
an intervention - on you,
420
00:16:54,032 --> 00:16:57,831
because, my friend,
you are a vanity life coach.
421
00:16:57,832 --> 00:16:59,831
My course is a proper
qualification...
422
00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:02,272
it's not a pretend book
from a pretend publisher's
423
00:17:02,273 --> 00:17:04,471
getting printed on pretend paper.
424
00:17:04,472 --> 00:17:07,191
Yeah, well, even if you complete
your ludicrously short course,
425
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,912
you're never going to be
a life coach.
426
00:17:08,913 --> 00:17:10,751
It's just another dream,
427
00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:13,711
like being a pop star
or a front bottom inspector.
428
00:17:13,712 --> 00:17:16,471
That wasn't a career,
that was a T-shirt!
429
00:17:16,472 --> 00:17:18,192
Yeah, well, a front bottom inspector
430
00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:21,751
is still a more realistic career
option for you than life coach.
431
00:17:21,752 --> 00:17:24,471
I threw that T-shirt out months ago.
You know why?
432
00:17:24,472 --> 00:17:26,191
Because it was tasteless.
433
00:17:26,192 --> 00:17:28,391
I was embarrassed to wear it
in public.
434
00:17:28,392 --> 00:17:30,352
That's the Jeremy
you're dealing with now.
435
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,831
That's how much I've grown
as an individual.
436
00:17:32,832 --> 00:17:34,911
Hey, Jeremy, do you want
to life-coach this
437
00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,350
into the washing-up bowl?
438
00:17:36,351 --> 00:17:38,192
'You're not stopping my book launch.
439
00:17:38,193 --> 00:17:41,792
'Kneel before Pharaoh Corrigan
and his pyramid of peanuts.'
440
00:17:43,272 --> 00:17:44,911
So, er, listen,
441
00:17:44,912 --> 00:17:47,031
what the hell's going on?
442
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:48,272
How do you mean?
443
00:17:48,273 --> 00:17:50,191
Everyone. Everyone passed.
444
00:17:50,192 --> 00:17:52,911
Is it some sort of
administrative error?
445
00:17:52,912 --> 00:17:55,471
I mean, Hillary,
whose UKIP membership card
446
00:17:55,472 --> 00:17:56,552
fell out of her purse?
447
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:59,191
Are you really suggesting people
go to her to get coaching?
448
00:17:59,192 --> 00:18:02,031
Is my certificate different?
Is it better?
449
00:18:02,032 --> 00:18:03,751
You don't have a certificate.
450
00:18:03,752 --> 00:18:05,391
What do I get? A couch?
451
00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:06,471
Or... a conch?
452
00:18:06,472 --> 00:18:07,911
Or a cr...
453
00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,831
Not a crown. That would be... odd.
454
00:18:09,832 --> 00:18:12,831
I can't put my reputation
on the line by certifying you
455
00:18:12,832 --> 00:18:14,112
as a life coach.
456
00:18:14,113 --> 00:18:15,551
What?
457
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:18,511
You have a poorly developed
ego system and sexual issues.
458
00:18:18,512 --> 00:18:19,631
Oh, yeah?
459
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,471
OK, well, let me give you
a little tip about foreplay.
460
00:18:22,472 --> 00:18:24,471
You were waggling around on my guy
461
00:18:24,472 --> 00:18:27,471
like it was the cranking handle
on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
462
00:18:27,472 --> 00:18:29,191
You're a sexual pervert, Jeremy.
463
00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,992
You mean in a bad way?
464
00:18:31,992 --> 00:18:33,831
Cos of what I said?
465
00:18:33,832 --> 00:18:35,191
Yes. It was disgusting.
466
00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:38,311
Oh, Mrs Severed Cocks
thinks I'm disgusting?
467
00:18:38,312 --> 00:18:40,911
Cut all my hair off and eat it?
468
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,831
I was busking. I was vibing.
469
00:18:42,832 --> 00:18:44,192
You were cutting things off.
470
00:18:44,193 --> 00:18:46,831
I thought hair.
I mean, it's not cocks.
471
00:18:46,832 --> 00:18:48,751
That was just a mad image,
472
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,911
whereas destroying and consuming
my beautiful hair...
473
00:18:51,912 --> 00:18:54,111
I thought there were no boundaries.
474
00:18:54,112 --> 00:18:56,391
There are no boundaries.
Within limits.
475
00:18:56,392 --> 00:18:59,031
Limits. Right. Well, I'm appealing.
476
00:18:59,032 --> 00:19:03,031
I'm gonna launch an appeal to the...
British Life Coaching Confederation.
477
00:19:03,032 --> 00:19:04,671
And if such a body exists,
478
00:19:04,672 --> 00:19:07,031
then you're gonna be in big,
big trouble.
479
00:19:07,032 --> 00:19:08,312
Hm!
480
00:19:09,752 --> 00:19:11,471
Hey, Mark.
481
00:19:11,472 --> 00:19:12,472
How's it, er...?
482
00:19:12,473 --> 00:19:14,031
Oh, er...
483
00:19:14,032 --> 00:19:16,551
Good. Yeah, great.
484
00:19:16,552 --> 00:19:19,471
A few errata.
Always going to be a few errata.
485
00:19:19,472 --> 00:19:21,031
Yeah, yeah, always.
486
00:19:21,032 --> 00:19:23,591
Er, it's gonna be a good night,
I reckon.
487
00:19:23,592 --> 00:19:24,832
Yeah. So, Jez, listen,
488
00:19:24,833 --> 00:19:28,671
I'm just going to go home
out the fire escape or the window.
489
00:19:28,672 --> 00:19:31,471
But would you ask the pub man
if I can have my deposit back?
490
00:19:31,472 --> 00:19:34,391
And would you tell everyone I've
made a horrible mistake? Goodbye.
491
00:19:34,392 --> 00:19:35,471
Mark?
492
00:19:35,472 --> 00:19:37,792
They misspelt my name, Jeremy.
493
00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:42,232
Mark Crorigan.
494
00:19:43,272 --> 00:19:44,911
But hey, it looks good, man.
495
00:19:44,912 --> 00:19:46,752
I mean, some of it's difficult
to read,
496
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:50,271
cos the text kind of disappears
into the binding, but...
497
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,751
They're print-outs, Jeremy,
they're not books.
498
00:19:53,752 --> 00:19:54,952
They're just print-outs.
499
00:19:54,953 --> 00:19:58,911
'Every fibre of my being wants
to scream, "I told you so."
500
00:19:58,912 --> 00:20:00,951
'But I'm a life coach now. Sort of.'
501
00:20:00,952 --> 00:20:03,391
Greg said he really liked
Chapter Fourteen,
502
00:20:03,392 --> 00:20:06,191
the Nile irrigation/viral marketing
comparison.
503
00:20:06,192 --> 00:20:07,751
Why would he leave that out?
504
00:20:07,752 --> 00:20:08,912
I don't know, Mark.
505
00:20:08,913 --> 00:20:11,111
Maybe it's just one of those things.
506
00:20:11,112 --> 00:20:14,471
One of those things where a cherished
dream is smashed into your face
507
00:20:14,472 --> 00:20:17,471
and you're humiliated
in front of everyone you know?
508
00:20:17,472 --> 00:20:18,952
Hi, Pam...
509
00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:22,671
Exactly, one of those things.
510
00:20:22,672 --> 00:20:25,471
Why don't you do a reading
from your book?
511
00:20:25,472 --> 00:20:27,752
Oh, no, I don't think
people would really want to...
512
00:20:27,753 --> 00:20:29,391
Oh, go on, please!
513
00:20:29,392 --> 00:20:32,191
Do it in your Egyptian accent,
like you did in bed the other night.
514
00:20:32,192 --> 00:20:33,230
That was so funny.
515
00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:34,310
I really don't...
516
00:20:34,311 --> 00:20:35,232
You can do it, mate.
517
00:20:37,472 --> 00:20:38,672
Hi.
518
00:20:39,832 --> 00:20:41,551
Hi, everyone. Thanks...
519
00:20:41,552 --> 00:20:43,591
thanks for coming. Erm...
520
00:20:43,592 --> 00:20:46,271
I-I just wanted to say...
521
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:49,031
vanity, all is vanity.
522
00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:52,591
Like Pharaoh Khufu,
I have built a great tomb.
523
00:20:52,592 --> 00:20:56,031
But tonight I'm not going
to bury you in it with me.
524
00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:58,231
Er, except with
the admittedly generous
525
00:20:58,232 --> 00:21:01,511
mounds of peanuts
that you'll see I've provided.
526
00:21:01,512 --> 00:21:06,231
No, tonight, I just want to say
that this book...
527
00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:07,551
is a disaster.
528
00:21:07,552 --> 00:21:09,831
It's a travesty.
529
00:21:09,832 --> 00:21:11,031
It's proof...
530
00:21:11,032 --> 00:21:12,831
of a broken promise.
531
00:21:12,832 --> 00:21:15,191
But I want to announce here
532
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:18,071
that I will be aggressively
pursuing British London
533
00:21:18,072 --> 00:21:19,552
in the small claims court,
534
00:21:19,553 --> 00:21:23,351
therefore proving the wisdom
of my seventh chapter,
535
00:21:23,352 --> 00:21:27,311
Make UK Company Law Into Your Anubis.
536
00:21:27,312 --> 00:21:30,671
Or, as the BL spell-check
has rendered it,
537
00:21:30,672 --> 00:21:35,072
Make UK Company Law Your Omnibus.
538
00:21:38,112 --> 00:21:40,271
It was OK, wasn't it?
539
00:21:40,272 --> 00:21:43,551
It was a weird and uplifting night
of recriminations
540
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:46,031
and complicated legal debate.
541
00:21:46,032 --> 00:21:47,871
And, Jeremy, I wanted to apologise
542
00:21:47,872 --> 00:21:50,271
for saying your life coaching
was bullshit.
543
00:21:50,272 --> 00:21:53,191
Water under the bridge,
as Simon & Garfunkel used to sing.
544
00:21:53,192 --> 00:21:56,111
'Not even going to correct him.
That's how big I've become.
545
00:21:56,112 --> 00:21:58,751
'I'm enormous, like the sun god Ra.'
546
00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:02,391
OK. Wow. Right. This must be
the only publishing house
547
00:22:02,392 --> 00:22:04,671
that looks like it could also
do you an MoT.
548
00:22:04,672 --> 00:22:06,432
I wanted to give you something, mate.
549
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:08,591
Greg?
550
00:22:08,592 --> 00:22:09,672
Mm.
551
00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,912
Here we are, hot off the presses.
552
00:22:17,752 --> 00:22:19,311
Oh, my God!
553
00:22:19,312 --> 00:22:21,551
Usbourne with a U and everything!
554
00:22:21,552 --> 00:22:23,591
You got my name right, Mark!
555
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:24,672
I also do business cards.
556
00:22:24,673 --> 00:22:28,391
You may have failed the course,
but you can be a life coach anyway.
557
00:22:28,392 --> 00:22:29,512
This is amazing.
558
00:22:29,513 --> 00:22:32,031
Ooh, stars!
Four stars! What are the stars for?
559
00:22:32,032 --> 00:22:34,151
Well, I just thought
you deserved some stars.
560
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:35,751
Only four, though?
561
00:22:35,752 --> 00:22:38,391
I thought about doing five,
but I didn't want to push it.
562
00:22:38,392 --> 00:22:39,232
Fair do's.
563
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,111
But I did put "Grade - excellent",
564
00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:43,191
cos I think you'll make
an excellent life coach.
565
00:22:43,192 --> 00:22:45,031
Thank you, Mark.
566
00:22:45,032 --> 00:22:47,111
God, look at it!
567
00:22:47,112 --> 00:22:49,751
Approved by the British Life
Coaching Confederation. Fancy!
568
00:22:49,752 --> 00:22:52,031
And the great thing is
that the genuine document
569
00:22:52,032 --> 00:22:54,551
is so worthless that there's
very little chance of the forgery
570
00:22:54,552 --> 00:22:55,592
being detected.
571
00:22:55,593 --> 00:22:57,951
No-one will ever know!
I can't be found out!
572
00:22:57,952 --> 00:22:59,152
See you in court, Greg.
573
00:22:59,153 --> 00:23:00,751
Look, Mark,
574
00:23:00,752 --> 00:23:03,471
I know this place isn't great.
I'm in-between offices.
575
00:23:03,472 --> 00:23:06,671
But BL is for real,
and I really did love your book,
576
00:23:06,672 --> 00:23:08,112
and you're a great writer.
577
00:23:08,113 --> 00:23:10,591
Yeah, pull the other one,
it's got bells on.
578
00:23:10,592 --> 00:23:13,511
You're a talent, Mark.
I'm building a list.
579
00:23:13,512 --> 00:23:16,151
I've been speaking to
Jeanette Winterson. Apparently,
580
00:23:16,152 --> 00:23:17,671
she's not happy over at Vintage.
581
00:23:17,672 --> 00:23:19,792
I want to publish your next book.
What's it about?
582
00:23:19,793 --> 00:23:23,031
Well, not that it's any of your
beeswax, but I was thinking about
583
00:23:23,032 --> 00:23:25,271
doing something on Napoleon
and the internet.
584
00:23:25,272 --> 00:23:26,951
Now, that sounds amazing.
585
00:23:26,952 --> 00:23:29,791
How about that and a second run
of BS Of The Ps,
586
00:23:29,792 --> 00:23:31,670
correct the errata,
no upfront payment.
587
00:23:31,671 --> 00:23:33,430
You would just put in
a small bridging loan.
588
00:23:33,431 --> 00:23:34,232
Come on!
589
00:23:34,233 --> 00:23:36,791
What do you think, Jez?
He couldn't do it twice.
590
00:23:36,792 --> 00:23:38,911
No, that would be impossible!
591
00:23:38,912 --> 00:23:41,352
Come on, mate,
I'm life-coaching you out of here.
592
00:23:44,032 --> 00:23:52,939
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
46329
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.