All language subtitles for Planet Sex with Cara Delevingne S01E05

Here's how the fairy tale goes.

Fall in love,

get married,

be faithful,

grow old together and die.

I do...

..not.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I've lived most of my life thinking
marriage was my destiny.

But look around - divorce
everywhere,

and a whole lot of cheating
going on.

He's definitely not faithful.
Look at that guy.

The dream of settling down with one
true love ain't cutting it any more.

And it's not a fairy tale.

If anything, it's a scary movie.

With, you know, nice parts in
the middle. Yeah.

Is there a better way to find
love and build relationships?

She's my wife,

and then he's our boyfriend.

This one is a poly-amorous
group people hanging out together,

casually.

Of course!

Love and marriage.

They go together like fish
and chips, right?

Yeah, today not so much.

UK marriages are at their lowest
rate since 1862.

Four in ten US adults are single.

So I've found myself
in a relationship quandary.

I don't think it's the fairy
tale we've been fed,

I just think that's what
every fairy...

it's what every fell...

Every time I'm in love I envision
marrying the person that I'm with.

And I do envision being with them
for the rest of my life.

But, once you go through heartbreak
and then heartbreak

and then heartbreak,

you just go "Wait, this is not
worth it.

"This is silly." Cos if it breaks
one more time

what if it doesn't get back
together?

I mean, I'm still mending from not
one relationship but three -

four...three.

Yeah.

Being in all these monogamous
relationships,

I thought I knew what that - what I
was looking for,

but maybe now I don't really
know what that is.

I want to discover what else
there is,

because usually I've just
kind of gone for monogamy,

but maybe that isn't
the right answer.

My love life needs a makeover.

What kind of relationship
will work for me?

But first, I want to understand that
primal emotion

that keeps us bonded and committed
to one another.

What is love?

So, we are in Santa Barbara,

I'm about to meet a scientist who is
going to show me

what love looks like in my brain.

Or even if I have one at all.
So...

The woman with this terrifying
power?

Bianca Acevedo.

She could tell you if you're in love
just by studying your brain.

Hi, I'm Cara.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.

We're going to ask you to
change into scrubs. OK.

To make sure you don't have any
metal in your body,

and then we're going to get you
started.

Oh, my God, OK, cool.

Now, the idea is that the MRI
will scan my brain,

while I look at photos of different
people from across my life.

Oh, my gosh, it's chilly. Yes.

Are these going to keep me warm
though? Not really.

We're going to give you a blanket.

Pictures of family,
close friends and old relationships.

I'll be talking to you.

I'll say "Hey, this next scan is
going to be five minutes long."

Hold still as much as you can.

Just thinking about somebody we love
fires up areas across the brain.

And there's one in particular that's
linked to romantic love.

We typically see that people
that are in romantic love

show activation in the ventral
tegmental area of the brain.

It's a region that's rich
in dopamine,

the key neurotransmitter that
motivates us to go

and get what we want.

OK, Cara, are you ready?

Yeah.

Counting it down, three -
three, two, one.

The first photo Bianca selects is an
old friend I'm extremely close to.

And who also happens to be
incredibly attractive.

Right, Cara, how are you doing?

LIGHT SNORING

Cara?

Cara, how you doing? Good.

You fell asleep in there.
I know, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark,

and looking at my friend just
made me feel secure.

Quick blast of caffeine...

Goodnight.

..and it's back into the love
machine.

It's just really cosy here.

Here we go.

After a few more photos of other
friends and family,

Bianca shows me someone

I've had a rather complicated
relationship with.

We're looking at what Cara's
brain is doing

when she's looking at images
of her ex-partner.

I anticipate seeing some
amygdala activation,

because it seems like she's still
very emotionally charged.

The amygdala processes strong
feelings, including fear,

anger and pleasure.

We're going to come in and get
you now.

The study's over.

A quick breather,
and it's results time.

What did you find out?

First up, my hot friend.

What does my brain have to say?

When you look at the picture
of the person that you admire

your brain activity...

Wow. Not that much there.

Doc, you see a lack of love,
I see a sneaky snooze.

Now let's see how my brain reacts to
a much more complex relationship.

So, are you ready to see your brain
response to your ex? Sure.

So this is... Jesus Christ!

..the response to your ex.

So you're showing activity in both
the right and the left

ventral tegmental area, that we
see in people that are in love.

Wait, what?

So, we see this pattern of brain
activation

in people that are in love.

No way!

Yeah.

Riiight.

Cool. Good to know.

Oh, God.

Were you expecting to see that?

Definitely not, but I...

..I understand there's a strong
emotional response.

But it definitely wasn't love, it
was sadness and anger.

But is that what...what love is
meant to be like? No.

Well, we do see a lot of activation
in the areas

related to emotional memory.

Thanks, brain, for making me aware
of these things.

Love stimulates our brain's reward
system,

releasing chemicals like dopamine,

which motivates us and makes us feel
good.

And the hormone oxytocin, which
helps us bond with the one.

Both make us want to be with our
partner.

Love is basically a drug...

..and a pretty powerful one at that.

The ventral tegmental area lights up
in response to reward.

So, in response to the face image of
your ex,

you still find it rewarding.

Mm-hm.

Life is complicated. Yes, indeed.

One of the things that has been most
surprising

is just how tenacious love is.

Like, it's...it's a really, really
strong drive.

Even if couples are not always doing
great,

there's still a strong bonding
connection there.

They...they will still show

this intense reward-related activity
in their brain.

Bianca's uncomfortably revealing
work shows that love is real

and we're not always conscious of
our feelings.

When our reward system becomes
associated

with one person in particular,

it can lead to monogamy.

As I wander through Santa Barbara,

trying to get my head round Bianca's
revelations,

I stumble across someone overwhelmed
by the love drug.

Is it your wedding day, today?

Oh, my gosh, congratulations.
Thank you.

How many times have you been in love
before?

This is probably the only time.

Do you believe that monogamy is what
comes naturally to humans?

I don't think that it's something
that comes naturally... Yeah.

..but I do think it's something that
we've come to expect.

If, for some crazy reason, one of
you ended up wanting someone else,

or, like, wanting to explore maybe
something,

would you expect to be honest about,
talk about it?

I think if I felt like there was
some sort of like premeditations,

then I think it would over
immediately.

Yeah, of course, agreed.

But I feel like if it was just
something that happened unexpectedly

and if my heart felt like I wanted
to keep trying,

I'd probably would do that, yeah.
Thank you.

You seem, by the way, so calm for
somebody who's about to get married.

Thank you. And you really look
absolutely so stunning

and I hope you have a most
incredible day. Thank you.

You know, I was definitely sold the
wedding fantasy.

I mean, yeah, it was all the idea of
like marrying someone

that will look after you...

..and maybe have like a nice title.

And then, um...

But in my mind, I was like,

"I just don't want to rely on anyone
ever.

"I want to make all my own money and
I want to...

"..rely on myself and myself only.
See ya!"

But that's me and that, you know,

probably leans into more of my
little like masculine, boy side.

The western relationship norm of one
man, one woman has been with us for
centuries.

And let's face it,

who doesn't love a bit of
parent-pleasing, white flounce

and bouquet chucking?

Reality check, though, monogamous,
straight marriage is tanking.

UK nuptials have fallen 50% from
1972.

So, is there a way to save what we
love about marriage by changing it?

In Japan, one woman is keeping the
fairy-tale trappings and tradition,

while re-writing the wedding script
on her own terms.

I've been invited to a wedding that
I don't know much about,

but I've heard it's not your average
wedding.

Midori's 36 and a stunning bride.

So, what about the groom?

But when the groom is wheeled in,

this wedding suddenly takes an
unexpected turn.

I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.

It was something that I used to play
a lot, when I was younger.

How much pressure is there to get
married?

OK, at first, I was bamboozled.

But getting to know Midori, I wonder
if this is a reaction

to the weight of her family's
expectations

and how they felt about it all.

Midori's one of thousands of
Japanese people in relationships

with fictional characters known as
fictosexuals.

By marrying Morgyn,

she's adapted a conventional
monogamous wedding ceremony

to suit her own unconventional needs
and desires.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,
thank you.

Yaaay!

The love that was exuding,

you could feel it in every ounce of
what she was saying.

I felt so overly emotional and happy
for her.

And I think that's the most
incredible thing in the world.

I really couldn't differentiate
between a "normal wedding".

We're not all marrying game
characters,

but around the world, our
dissatisfaction

with conventional flesh-and-blood
marriage

is playing out in many different
ways.

Near the top of the list -
incredibly common -

cheating.

47% of Italian men admit to affairs.

Surprisingly, 20% of us Brits enjoy
a bit on the side.

While in the US,

20% of men and 13% of women fess up
to marital infidelity.

Mm-hm.

It's rough.

Yeah, being cheated on is not ideal.

But, you know, I've also cheated.

I usually prefer to be broken up
with than to break-up with someone.

Cos I find the guilt of breaking up
with someone

far harder than being broken up
with.

So, I'd rather just stay in the
relationship,

until it eats me alive.

It's a very weird thing to do.

I don't know why I stay.

The problem is as well, though, when
you don't have much self-worth,

if someone cheats on you, you just
kind of take them back

and let it go, which is the
stupidest thing.

Cos once you lose trust with
someone, it will never come back.

So, why continue being in a
relationship,

where you don't trust someone?

Beats me, but I've done it.

Cheating's so widespread,

it seems we humans find strict
monogamy difficult.

And in one country, changing
attitudes towards infidelity

appear to have created a business
opportunity.

Mexico City - devoutly Catholic.

Nuns galore!

Yet, if you're looking for a place
for some very glamorous two-timing,

here, you're spoiled for choice.

Aidee has seen more than 100 love
hotels flourish

in Mexico City alone in the last ten
years.

And they cover the country.

"What's a love hotel?", I hear you
ask.

Well, this ought to give you a clue.

GLASSES CLINK

But in that case,

why are all these Mexican love
hotels only appearing now?

Well, until recently, just having
an affair in Mexico was illegal.

Then, ten years ago, the law
changed.

If you were unfaithful, you could go
to jail.

And now, it's changing.

It's not something that is
punishable by law.

With cheating legal, love hotels
went from secret and seedy

to boutique and mainstream.

Five out of every ten women

and six out of every ten men admit
to having been unfaithful.

Whereas ten or 15 years ago,

it was basically 60% of men and 30%
of women.

That's a near doubling of infidelity
rates amongst the ladies

in a decade or so.

Maybe now, they are admitting to
being unfaithful more

than they did before.

Or maybe they are more...

..open to having these affairs.

Changing the law lifted the
penalties for infidelity

for both men and women.

Yeah, go equality!

Though, is equal opportunity as
adultery actually a win?

Let's just say yes.

Now, the gap between men and women

who admit to having been unfaithful
at least once in their lives

has completely closed.

But why do we cheat?

One theory is that having multiple
partners

helps increase genetic diversity,

which is good for the species.

So, maybe it's down to our biology.

After all, we're animals.

And zookeeper Alexi Grousis reckons
we've got a lot to learn

from the birds and the bees.

And don't forget the horny beasts!

So, you want to check out these
animals? I'll lead the way.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

When we look at the animal kingdom,

especially, the animals that are
most closely related to us,

we see that monogamy is not as
common as we'd like to think it is.

Look at him.

I make owl sounds.

SHE MIMICS AN OWL

Oh, my God, owls are so cool.

Monogamy is most commonly seen in
birds.

Less so in the primates.

When you look at the primates, they
get a little more promiscuous.

I'm more feather than fur, I think.

So far at least.

And as for the reptiles...

THEY LAUGH

Please turn around. He's definitely
not faithful. Look at that guy.

And, guys, no prizes for guessing
which bit of your anatomy

shows just where us humans lie on
the fidelity spectrum.

What is this?

Yeah, I've put together a nice
little demonstration for you.

Cara, today, I've got the relative
testes size of different animals.

So... Can we call them bollocks?

I don't cos I'm American. Cos I'm
English.

All right, their bollocks. Or testes
or whatever...

Wait, what? You can't say bollocks?
Is that a bad word?

But you can say testes?

Balls?

Testicles.

Testicles. That's bollocks!

Oops!

When we look at this one right here,

this is roughly the size of an owl
monkey's testicles,

which is a very monogamous animal.

The testicle size is almost directly
related

to the amount of sperm being
produced.

But is that meaning that the bigger
balls you have,

the more likely you are to be less
monogamous?

No. Potentially.

The more sperm competition, the
bigger the testicles have to be.

And the more sperm that are
produced,

the better chance you have of making
the mark if you will.

This one right here,

that would be the rough size of a
chimpanzee testicle.

No! Yeah.

So, big balls equals promiscuity

because they're producing a lot of
sperm

and a lot of males are competing
with each other.

I have a lot of questions, now.
Yeah, well...

..before you ask those, let me show
you this one.

And humans are neither strictly
monogamous

nor highly promiscuous. Mm-hm.

We sit kind of right in the middle.
In the middle.

That's never something I've heard
about balls before,

but that's an interesting... Yeah,
no kidding, right?

Right, let's get this straight.

Nature has given us - well, I mean,
males,

medium-sized bollocks relative to
our body.

Sorry, testicles.

It sounds like us humans are
naturally designed

to be neither totally monogamous nor
totally polygamous.

So, let's say monogamish.

Biology implies we're flexible...

..but society wants stable.

Can a long-term romantic
relationship have both?

Here's an idea, how about throupling
up?

My name is Johnisha. My name is
Jeron.

And my name is Destiny.

She's my wife, and then, he's our
boyfriend.

Oh, you did the same thing. I did.

I personally like the uncomfort of
like when we walk into a room

and nobody knows what our dynamic
is.

Let people fill in the details how
they will.

This tantalising trio started as a
twosome,

until there was a very good reason
to grow.

We got married last year

and we had actually started wanting
to have kids around that time.

We either wanted a donor or we
wanted somebody

that was going to also be like a
father in their life.

So, me and Jeron actually dated
seven years ago

and we stayed friends.

And eventually...

..like being in a throuple sort of
kind of fell into our laps.

So, we started with the initial
like,

"OK, we're going to go into this as
co-parenting and being friends."

And then, the relationship sort of
just blossomed.

It's a lot of love.

As far as it being all three people
on the same page,

this is my first time. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, same. For all three of us.
For all three, mm-hm.

We're always getting like, "Don't
you guys get jealous?"

"Oh, I could never share my man."

But he's like, "Oh, you got two
girlfriends? High five, dude!"

THEY LAUGH

Usually, it always goes to sex.

How do you guys have sex? Like, I
don't know, Google, like...

THEY LAUGH

Especially in the beginning, we had
a lot of just honest conversation.

If you can't communicate with just
one partner,

two partners is going to be harder,
so communication is key.

Mm.

Good thing they've got communication
sorted

because baby Isaiah's arrival means
domestic arrangements

need a lot more thought and
organisation.

There was a lot of questions about

how logistically everything would
work

with there being three sets of
grandparents

and three sets of aunts and uncles.

Everybody just wanted to make sure

that they were going to have their
time.

Relationships come in all different
ways.

It's not something I'd do...

..but, you know, I figure if you
don't...

..like it, don't do it.

But it seems that it's working with
them.

I like the way they...they get along
together and, you know, co-parent.

I give them credit.

Kids, commitment, fidelity and
stability?

I'm realising that this throuple
aren't so very different

from your average monogamous couple.

Society says you should be with one
person but, you know,

we are human and we have these
emotions.

So, I don't think that it should
just be limited to just one person.

And it doesn't have to be for
everyone.

But, you know, it works for us and
we're happy with it.

It's just more love.

Our village to raise our baby is
already a step ahead of most.

These suburban throuple trailblazers

show that relationship dynamics are
all different.

And they've created an alternative,

yet also very traditional family
that works for them.

They're not alone.

43% of American millennials say
"no, thanks" to monogamy.

Maybe now's the time for me

to seriously consider my
relationship future.

Because I have been single for the
longest time I ever have been,

I would like someone to tell me,
"This is what you're meant to have."

If it is meant to be like,

"You should be married with a
girlfriend and a boyfriend",

I'd be like, "Dope. Cool, now I know
what I'm aiming for.

""et me fill those spots.

I like someone telling me what I
need to go for

instead of kind of this just like
endless how many people

or one person or what gender?

Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.

It's way more complicated because
how do I know when that...

How do I know when I've found my
family?

I feel like it is about chosen
family in a way.

Luckily, I know just the
evolutionary anthropologist

to cut through my confusion.

Hi!

So, yeah, I want to ask you what
is...

Biologically, socially, what am I
meant to do?

Am I meant to be monogamous? What
can I do? Tell me, doctor.

So, the inputs into how we end up

in terms of our relationship
structures are two, OK?

You have the biological input, which
is your instincts.

But then, we have the really quite
powerful cultural influence

on how you behave in relationships.
Yeah.

Maybe the religion you follow,

what your examples were as you were
brought up.

Add these together and you end up

with a lot of different relationship
styles to choose from.

I mean, check all these out.

Monogamy is where you have two
people, who are exclusive,

and therefore, they don't have sex

or experience love outside that
relationship.

So, consensual non-monogamy is

having a non-monogamous
relationship.

So, being in a relationship with
more than one person by consent.

So, not an affair.

Woohoo! Correct, obviously.

So, polyamory - somebody's a
polyamorist,

if they are emotionally involved,
intimate,

they love more than one person.

So, that defines it as against
things like open relationships.

What makes polyamory different is
it's about that emotional intimacy

is there amongst a group of people,
rather than just a sexual intimacy.

You're good at this game.
It's not a game.

Polly-gyny. So, polygyny is when
you... Polygyny!

Is a marital structure. It's where
you have one man and many wives.

So, this is kind of like a single
person

having loving relationships with
other people

but not committing to them in terms
of living with them,

having those markers of a life
together.

So, that's what I'm doing. Cool.

Polyandry!

So, polyandry is a marriage
structure,

where you have one woman and many
husbands. Very rare.

I'm not sure I'm ready to choose
one, yet.

Society sold me the dream of
monogamy

but multi-partner marriage dates way
back to ancient times

and it's legal or tolerated in over
50 countries.

The problem is, in most cases, it's
usually only men

that are allowed to take many wives
and not the other way around.

But one woman is on a mission to
shake all that up.

I currently have three
intimate partners.

Nyamekela, he is a
heterosexual man.

He is the father of my children,
he's my fiance.

Also my nesting partner, which
basically means we do house

things together, we have that
everyday kind living relationship.

Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.

And my second partner is Kerline.

Kerline!

Our dynamic is more of a
BDSM dynamic.

We met through a mutual
friend and...

I'm struggling to focus because
Muvumbi's doing this thing.

She has, like, this twinkle
thing that happens.

Why are you fucking twinkling at me?

Cos I love you.
THEY LAUGH

My third partner is MJ.

MJ is my light love affair.

We love listening to music together
and holding hands.

Muvumbi's polyamorous -

a guilt free way to have multiple
emotional and sexual partners.

And it's practical too.

She's got all bases covered -

domesticity,

intimacy,

and BDSM.

So what more could she want?

Well, to get married.

If I can marry a man and a woman,
that's always been my dream.

There's just one problem.

At the moment, that's
illegal in South Africa.

Men can have multiple wives
in polygynous marriages.

At one time, former South African
president Jacob Zuma had four wives.

But women cannot marry multiple
husbands, polyandry,

let alone take a wife and a husband.

I'm an activist, and I think that
I'm very vocal about polyamory

because it is so close to my value,
which is freedom.

I am a member of Poly ZA, which is
a polyamorous group in South Africa.

Muvumbi is campaigning to get
the law changed.

And guess what -

the government's now mulling over
a new bill

that would legalise polyandry.

The signing of the bill
to make it legal

for women to marry more than one
lover opens that up for me.

I think it's my right to have
access to all pleasure.

Men have been living that,
and we all want equal rights.

Hi. Hey, babe.

Hey, boyfriend.

HE LAUGHS

I think I'm the resident boyfriend.

THEY LAUGH

That's my... That's the best title
I can think of, you know.

The fact that this is possible,

that I can make a salad with my
two lovers

makes me so happy.

So, are there any limits to
Muvumbi's polyamorous plans?

I wouldn't say the more the better

because I think you can get,
like, saturated.

So everybody has their limit, yeah,

and I think right now mine is three.

SHE LAUGHS

My saturation limit?

Not sure yet.

Muvumbi's fighting for marriage
on her terms,

but am I suited to
multiple partners?

In my fantasy, now what I'm
thinking about,

yeah, I would love to, like, live
on a farm with my, like, five wives

and one man.

Can I say that?

I don't want five wives,
that's exhausting.

My head is spinning
with possibilities.

But I've heard there's a
ground-breaking scientific test

that may help me decide my perfect
relationship structure.

Really? I don't think it's very
attractive that I'm spitting.

And so what are they going to
test with it?

So this is, like, a genome
typing test that...

Mm, hold please.

If I'm genetically destined to maybe
be in long term relationships

or if I'm more likely to be single.
That's amazing.

All from a bit of spit.
All from a bit of spit.

Mm.

My good friend, Dr Anna, is going to
give me the results.

What are we testing for? What is...
What's going on?

OK, yeah, so we asked
you for some of your spit

and we extracted the DNA from that.

And what we are looking at is
three particular genes

that are associated with how you
behave when you're in love.

So that's the oxytocin
receptor gene,

the beta-endorphin gene,
and the serotonin receptor gene.

Anna's looking for gene variations
that may be shaping our love lives.

So you can basically
tell my relationship history,

maybe the general way I am in love?

We can certainly find indications
of what you might be like.

So, no gene is deterministic,
but it's a good pointer.

So the first gene we're looking at
is the oxytocin receptor gene,

the nesting gene. It has an
influence on the likelihood

that you'll be motivated to form
long term relationships.

We also looked at the Mu opioid
receptor gene,

which is linked to beta-endorphin.

It's addictive, it's like heroin.

And it's what underpins long term
human relationships.

So when we say "addicted to love",
you are actually addicted

to the other person.

And lastly, we have the serotonin
receptor gene.

It seems to have some influence on
the likelihood

that you will be single.

So, people with very low circulating
serotonin tend to be very obsessive.

So what we're looking at there is
whether or not people

who have the gene that makes them
more likely to be single

actually have higher levels of
circulating serotonin.

So they just don't get obsessed
with people enough

to change their lives to want to be
with that person.

How did you find this? Like how do
we correlate that

between the actual genes and, like,
what it shows

with our relationship
history, how does that...?

OK, so what we did was
we took a lot of spit,

from about 4,000 people,

and we took their
relationship histories,

and we took lots of psychological
measures about their attachment,

and we looked as whether there was
a relationship

between certain genes and some of
those traits.

And what we found was there is.

There certainly is a genetic
influence on the way we love,

on the way we feel, and in terms of
how we behave

when we're in a relationship.

For example, the basis of a
really good, close relationship,

for example, is empathy.

And certainly the oxytocin genes
that we're looking at for you

have a major influence
on your empathy.

One of the ways the attachment
hormone oxytocin

increases empathy and bonding is by
focusing our attention

on emotion in faces around us.

You're so good at your job, man,
it's amazing.

OK, I'm so... I just want to know...
I can't... What else do I do?

So, Cara, your test results show

that you do not have the
nesting gene -

so, you are not overly motivated to
be in a long term pair bond -

that you sit midway on the
empathy spectrum,

and that you do not have the gene

that's going to increase the
likelihood that you are single.

Again, confusing, but I like it.

None of these things are making me
so sure about who I am.

THEY LAUGH

This is because love is complicated.

OK, let me take this all in.

According to my genes, I'm not
super bothered

about long term relationships, but
I'm also not likely to be single.

That's cool and confusing.

Thanks, Mum and Dad.

And I'm fairly but
not overly empathetic.

I'm medium...empathy.

That means people feel double
as much as me to other people.

That's, like, a lot.

I know genes are just one factor
influencing our love lives.

How we were parented and culture
matter, too.

I definitely do want to change.

I think I have a very unhealthy
relationship with attachment,

with love, with... Still with
self-love and patterns.

And it's just the longer
I stay single,

I realise it takes a long
time to change.

Perhaps the solution to my quandary
lies in polyamory.

So far I've only dipped my toe

in the waters of
alternative relationships.

But I want to explore more deeply

and find out if there's a kind
that's right for me.

Funny story, here I am
frantically searching

for a group of polyamorists.

No luck so far.

But I have found a fabulous
Saint-Emilion 1964.

Oh.

Here we go. Hurrah!

CHATTERING

So cool.

Hi, guys.

Hey!

Hi.

Welcome to a polyamorous
cocktail party,

run by the fabulously named
Sex Positive LA.

It's a social event for people in a
wonderful variety

of relationship structures.

So, I'm really excited to
meet all you guys.

I've always been curious about
different ways of relationships.

I think a lot of people aren't even
aware of the options.

This is an interesting time
we're in right now,

it's kind of like a new
sexual revolution

of, like, people really figuring out
what's going to make them happy

and seeing that there's different
ways to do things,

because a lot of people aren't happy
with that model.

And you don't have to sacrifice your
happiness for someone else. Right.

Yeah, again, and it doesn't
have to...

Looks like I've found an explorer

who's been on this relationship
journey for longer than me.

This one is a polyamorous
group of people

hanging out together casually,

and, like, nerd out about what it
means to be poly and...

I love that, nerding out about poly,
that's so interesting.

I mean, I don't know what the
rules are, are there rules?

There's no-one way to do
any of this.

Just like there's not one way
to do monogamy. Right.

So, there's different
types of polyamory.

For example, solo-poly -

one person dating multiple people,
but kind of no ties to each person.

There's the kitchen table polyamory

where there's maybe, you know,
multiple people,

with all of the partners, and get
along harmoniously.

Cool.
CARA CHUCKLES

There's a V that's literally the...
Like, the letter V.

So there's one person
dating two people.

There's endless different
configurations.

To be polyamorous, do you have to
relinquish jealousy completely?

In a harmonious poly relationship,

you would be figuring out how to
thwart that

before it gets to that point of,
like, anger or resentment

and those kinds of things. I
love the constant communication.

Because of the monogamous
relationships I've been in,

I was very unable to express when I
was hurt,

when I wasn't treated well.

I'm now desperate to learn about the
highs and lows of polyamory

from people who live them.

What drew you to polyamory?
What does it mean to you?

What has it brought to your life?

For me, it's just a way of being,
it's my identity.

So, it's not taking anything
away from any other person

and it's just adding more.

Really gives you the opportunity to
just figure out

what works for you and your partner
or partners.

Just having honesty.

Which might change
and develop and... Right.

Which doesn't need to be
the same for everyone.

Unfortunately it ruins almost every
love story in most movies.

THEY LAUGH

From our perspective when somebody's
like, "Oh, I love them and them,"

we're always like, "Both!"

Right. Love them all.

Yes, be transparent.

Movie over. That's so interesting.

THEY LAUGH

My discovery of polyamory sort
of coincided with meeting my wife.

I had just gotten out of
a relationship

where we tried to be just open.

Open relationships, where you have
one romantic partner

but sex with other people,
have not worked for me.

But polyamory makes more sense.

Most people when they're asking
for the open relationship,

they're asking to be open
sexually. Yes.

And then to not have any
feelings for anybody.

Which is... Yes.
Which you can't really control.

In a lot of previous
monogamous relationships,

I've felt leashed,
I've felt collared.

And that makes me
want to break out more.

Yes, you felt trapped, so you want
to be like,

"OK, I'm not a... I'm not a
caged animal."

In this...this short moment,
I can see how individual, how smart,

how emotionally developed,
all these things.

I can...I can always, like, restrain
myself sexually,

but emotionally I have connections
with people, and that was never OK.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Each of you dropped something.

I was like, "Boom, boom, boom..."
I told you. "..boom, boom, boom."

I cannot even explain how much
I learnt

in such a short amount of time.

I was always intrigued by polyamory,
the idea.

I think it gets a bad rep.

I think people talk about it
who don't understand it

in so many different ways.

And I don't... I still don't know...

Again, solo, polyamory, whatever I'm
experiencing right now

definitely leads more towards...

something that isn't conventional,
for sure.

I just still don't know what it is.

But I'm so much more excited
to con...

continue exploring without feeling
the unsureness or guilt

or aloneness that I guess
I was before.

Now I feel there are thrilling new
relationship possibilities

ahead of me.

What I have learnt in this whole
experience is the dynamics

and the beauty of so many
different relationships.

No-one can tell you how to live your
relationship or what the rules are.

I think there are no rules.

The way that we're moving into the
future is so much more open

and able to let people be who
they want and love who they want

and how they want.

I still don't know if I can be
in love with multiple people,

but I love multiple people,

and I feel very, very lucky to be
able to have that support

and bond with so many people.

But I think in terms of love,
the most important relationship

and the most important love you can
have is for yourself.

And there is no point in being in
a relationship

until you can fully love yourself.

Cos you can't really truly love
someone until you do.

So, while I spend my days figuring
all this shit out,

there's only one special someone
for me.

He's - yes, it is a he -

loyal, faithful, a perfect match.

And, yes, just a little naughty.

Ah.

This is perfect puppy love.