Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,227 --> 00:00:04,819
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,065
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,234 --> 00:00:11,677
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,828 --> 00:00:14,680
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,831 --> 00:00:18,242
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,336
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,022
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:24,339
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,433 --> 00:00:30,237
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:38,186
Good evening. Coming up,
a major Hollywood movie
11
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,930
is set to film in Quahog.
12
00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:41,540
But first, whoever recorded me
13
00:00:41,691 --> 00:00:43,600
cursing at that freeway
off-ramp veteran,
14
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:45,711
please don't post that,
all right, seriously.
15
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,454
We all have bad days.
16
00:00:47,531 --> 00:00:49,956
Our top story: The latest Brad Pitt film
17
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,383
will be shot right here in Quahog.
18
00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:53,777
Pitt will play former
New Jersey governor
19
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:54,936
Chris Christie.
20
00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:57,114
Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?!
21
00:00:57,207 --> 00:00:59,207
It should be a fat
guy playing that role!
22
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,619
Chris Christie didn't eat
10,000 Jersey Mike's subs
23
00:01:02,638 --> 00:01:04,712
just to be played by
a Hollywood pretty boy.
24
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,808
That's offensive, and I, for
one, will not stand for it.
25
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,794
Although that's mostly due
to cardiovascular disease.
26
00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:12,071
I got to sit down.
27
00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:14,380
Peter, you know, you've
actually got a valid point.
28
00:01:14,391 --> 00:01:16,224
Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.
29
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,969
It's shameful Hollywood would
pass over the many talented
30
00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:21,747
plus-sized actors who are much
more deserving of the role.
31
00:01:21,829 --> 00:01:23,608
- Name two.
- Jonah Hill?
32
00:01:23,619 --> 00:01:25,135
- He's thin now.
- Uh, Fat Albert?
33
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,568
- Not real.
- James Corden?
34
00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:28,236
He's been canceled
for sending eggs back.
35
00:01:28,330 --> 00:01:30,831
Well, it's just another
example of Hollywood's history
36
00:01:30,983 --> 00:01:32,482
of exclusionary casting,
37
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:35,410
- whitewashing and thin-washing.
- Exactly.
38
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,988
Like Mike Myers playing an Indian
man in The Love Guru.
39
00:01:38,081 --> 00:01:40,173
- [GIGGLES]
- Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans
40
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,326
- playing White Chicks.
- [GIGGLES]
41
00:01:42,344 --> 00:01:44,419
Or Mickey Rooney playing
an offensive stereotype
42
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,496
of an Asian man in
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
43
00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:48,682
I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.
44
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,334
Oh, come on, you two.
45
00:01:50,352 --> 00:01:52,502
You're really offended that
one of the biggest movie stars
46
00:01:52,521 --> 00:01:56,022
on the planet is coming to
our crap town to shoot a movie?
47
00:01:56,175 --> 00:01:57,858
I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere,
48
00:01:58,010 --> 00:01:59,843
- with any of us.
- Facts.
49
00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,788
I mean, when was the last time
a celebrity visited Quahog?
50
00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:04,848
- Uh, Jared Fogle.
- Who?
51
00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:06,032
The Subway Guy. Remember?
52
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,534
He was here for a public appearance.
53
00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:08,869
Took a shine to Chris for some reason.
54
00:02:09,021 --> 00:02:10,129
Took him camping.
55
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,113
Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.
56
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,374
How come I don't remember any of this?
57
00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:16,209
Ah, too many video games, buddy.
58
00:02:16,362 --> 00:02:17,785
They're rotting your brains.
59
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,046
Get your hands off me, Jared!
60
00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:22,123
You're really gonna
complain about Brad Pitt?
61
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,217
Who cares what role he's playing?!
62
00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:25,627
Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois.
63
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,480
Women have no idea what
it's like for us men,
64
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,465
being held up to impossible
standards of beauty
65
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,600
in the media.
66
00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:33,877
Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.
67
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,379
Eh! Too old. Next.
68
00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:37,047
Peter, I think you're right to protest.
69
00:02:37,065 --> 00:02:38,715
- I'll even join you.
- Thanks, Brian.
70
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:41,476
Sometimes you just got to
stand up for what's right.
71
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,495
That's why I stood up to Kanye West.
72
00:02:43,647 --> 00:02:46,406
Dinosaurs were created
by the Illuminati.
73
00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:49,168
The government hides
secrets in SpaghettiOs.
74
00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:50,818
And Hitler would've won Wimbledon
75
00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:52,579
if he played tennis, bro.
76
00:02:52,731 --> 00:02:54,414
Sir, sir, sir.
77
00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:57,416
We do not wear shoes in this house.
78
00:02:58,570 --> 00:03:02,055
Thank you. Now please
continue about Wimbledon.
79
00:03:04,383 --> 00:03:06,158
[CHANTING] Overweight is overdue!
80
00:03:06,456 --> 00:03:08,114
Overweight is overdue!
81
00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:09,976
Wow, I'm impressed, Peter.
82
00:03:09,987 --> 00:03:11,159
Yeah, it's going great.
83
00:03:11,170 --> 00:03:13,202
News trucks even showed up to cover it.
84
00:03:13,213 --> 00:03:15,714
I-I think... I think
those are just food trucks.
85
00:03:15,725 --> 00:03:18,376
Come on, you know you want some.
86
00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:19,718
Hi, fellas.
87
00:03:19,737 --> 00:03:21,962
Oh, hey. Thanks for
coming out to support us.
88
00:03:21,973 --> 00:03:24,365
"Dangerous Curves Ahead."
89
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:28,060
- Oh...
- [LAUGHS] Right?
90
00:03:28,079 --> 00:03:30,171
[LAUGHS] Oh, that is good.
91
00:03:30,322 --> 00:03:32,064
[LAUGHING] You get it.
92
00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:34,825
[LAUGHS] That... that is clever.
93
00:03:34,919 --> 00:03:36,059
Am I right?
94
00:03:36,070 --> 00:03:37,160
[LAUGHTER]
95
00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:39,522
That, that's good. That's good.
96
00:03:39,598 --> 00:03:41,915
- Isn't it, though? [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, yeah.
97
00:03:41,926 --> 00:03:44,685
[WHISPERS] Brian, can you
explain that shirt to me later?
98
00:03:48,331 --> 00:03:50,498
Protesters were on hand
today at the set of
99
00:03:50,509 --> 00:03:53,102
the new Chris Christie biopic
being filmed in Quahog.
100
00:03:53,336 --> 00:03:56,337
They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt
101
00:03:56,573 --> 00:03:59,333
in the lead role and
not a person of heft.
102
00:03:59,344 --> 00:04:01,360
Well, Peter, I'm just
glad you're on the news
103
00:04:01,454 --> 00:04:04,771
for something other than sitting
on a hamster at a school event.
104
00:04:04,782 --> 00:04:07,449
[CLAMORING]
105
00:04:07,857 --> 00:04:09,648
Hey, they said they
weren't gonna put that!
106
00:04:09,659 --> 00:04:10,876
[DOORBELL RINGS]
107
00:04:11,612 --> 00:04:13,113
Mr. Griffin, hi.
108
00:04:13,124 --> 00:04:14,882
I'm Josh Universal from the movie.
109
00:04:15,109 --> 00:04:17,443
I'm taking a break from
my horrific cocaine habit
110
00:04:17,461 --> 00:04:19,387
to ask you to sit
down with our producers
111
00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:22,631
for a "listening session"
to hear your concerns.
112
00:04:22,999 --> 00:04:25,609
And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,
113
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,544
and does anyone have a rolled-up bill?
114
00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:29,788
Oh, of course. I got a
special five just for that.
115
00:04:30,665 --> 00:04:31,694
[SNIFFS]
116
00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:34,384
All right, let's get
zapped and go see a play!
117
00:04:34,478 --> 00:04:36,487
♪ ♪
118
00:04:38,983 --> 00:04:40,902
Hmm. That's odd.
119
00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,648
Mr. Griffin, thank you
for meeting with us.
120
00:04:48,659 --> 00:04:49,808
Have a seat.
121
00:04:49,827 --> 00:04:51,310
Not on my lap!
122
00:04:51,403 --> 00:04:52,903
Sorry. [CHUCKLES] I'm a little nervous.
123
00:04:52,997 --> 00:04:55,589
Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt.
124
00:04:56,092 --> 00:04:58,342
♪ ♪
125
00:04:59,635 --> 00:05:01,635
[GASPS] George Clooney's boyfriend?
126
00:05:01,646 --> 00:05:04,314
No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.
127
00:05:04,325 --> 00:05:06,082
Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here
128
00:05:06,102 --> 00:05:07,751
because we understand you have an issue
129
00:05:07,845 --> 00:05:09,678
with Brad playing the
lead role in our movie.
130
00:05:09,913 --> 00:05:13,506
We want to make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.
131
00:05:13,657 --> 00:05:16,250
Look, I know Brad Pitt
is a big star and all,
132
00:05:16,261 --> 00:05:18,112
but he's playing Chris
Christie, who's a fat guy.
133
00:05:18,563 --> 00:05:21,155
It seems unfair that the
role didn't go to a fat guy.
134
00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:22,332
It only makes sense.
135
00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:24,452
Don't you think we should
cast the best actor,
136
00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:25,769
letting them interpret the role,
137
00:05:26,065 --> 00:05:28,060
rather than depending
on physical traits?
138
00:05:28,071 --> 00:05:30,347
Not if you're taking the
role away from a fat guy.
139
00:05:30,358 --> 00:05:33,118
But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt
is a highly skilled actor
140
00:05:33,212 --> 00:05:36,288
who's won an Oscar and lots
of garbage Golden Globes.
141
00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:37,930
You're not hearing my concerns.
142
00:05:37,941 --> 00:05:40,246
You don't know the
challenges fat guys face.
143
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,018
What it's like to have
to rock multiple times
144
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,510
to get off the couch, or
how it feels to have to poke
145
00:05:44,586 --> 00:05:46,345
a new hole in your belt with a nail,
146
00:05:46,549 --> 00:05:48,475
only to realize the end no longer
147
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:49,758
tucks into the little loop,
148
00:05:49,769 --> 00:05:51,194
or the shame of getting thrown out
149
00:05:51,205 --> 00:05:52,429
of a strip club for touching.
150
00:05:52,762 --> 00:05:54,899
That last thing doesn't
seem like a weight issue.
151
00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:56,651
You sound just like the judge!
152
00:05:56,662 --> 00:05:59,293
Look, the casting of this movie
is offensive to fat people,
153
00:05:59,611 --> 00:06:02,046
and I won't rest until
it gets shut down.
154
00:06:03,441 --> 00:06:04,634
Mr. Griffin, look,
155
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:08,494
what if we made you our
"official fat guy consultant"?
156
00:06:08,505 --> 00:06:09,946
Do you think I'm an idiot?
157
00:06:09,957 --> 00:06:11,548
Yes! What if I told you
158
00:06:11,559 --> 00:06:14,736
we'll give you a P.A. who
will get you anything you want?
159
00:06:14,747 --> 00:06:16,519
Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.
160
00:06:16,530 --> 00:06:18,808
He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew Zack.
161
00:06:18,819 --> 00:06:20,056
You can't tell him what to do.
162
00:06:20,067 --> 00:06:21,400
In fact, you work for him.
163
00:06:21,485 --> 00:06:22,742
I want you to get me this thing,
164
00:06:22,852 --> 00:06:25,278
and I can't remember what
it is or where I saw it.
165
00:06:25,549 --> 00:06:28,484
Wow, I'm gonna learn so
much from his last name.
166
00:06:34,081 --> 00:06:36,190
[FIGHTING AND GUNFIRE ON TV]
167
00:06:37,824 --> 00:06:40,049
The new season of White Lotus is weird.
168
00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:42,876
Griffins, you are looking
at the Chris Christie movie's
169
00:06:42,887 --> 00:06:44,905
official fat guy consultant.
170
00:06:45,076 --> 00:06:47,897
Boy, that's a garbage
title if I ever heard one.
171
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,993
What? Wait a minute,
so instead of demanding
172
00:06:50,004 --> 00:06:51,946
they cast a plus-sized actor, you caved
173
00:06:52,119 --> 00:06:53,803
when they offered you
a meaningless title?
174
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,165
- What about everything you fought for?
- Don't you see, Brian?
175
00:06:56,325 --> 00:06:59,401
Now I can work the system
from the inside with dignity.
176
00:06:59,412 --> 00:07:01,954
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew?
177
00:07:02,929 --> 00:07:05,113
[DEFLATED] Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
178
00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:08,656
[CRYING] Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
179
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:11,229
What does a fat guy consultant even do?
180
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,741
I'm the personal weight-gain
coach for Brad Pitt.
181
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,584
Wou-Would we get to meet him?
182
00:07:15,595 --> 00:07:17,784
Sure. My job is to
teach him how to think,
183
00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:19,628
eat and live like a fat guy.
184
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,214
So, just like that, you're giving up?
185
00:07:21,267 --> 00:07:22,748
Brian, I'm a fat guy.
186
00:07:22,759 --> 00:07:24,209
I got all fired up about something,
187
00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:26,633
and now I'm tired and
I'd like some custard.
188
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:33,625
Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend Brad Pitt.
189
00:07:33,636 --> 00:07:36,044
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, nice to meet you.
190
00:07:36,264 --> 00:07:38,690
- Who's this now?
- He's a very famous actor.
191
00:07:38,701 --> 00:07:40,534
He's like the white Morris Chestnut.
192
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,444
- Oh, damn!
- Wow!
193
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,804
I can't believe I'm
sitting here with Brad Pitt.
194
00:07:44,815 --> 00:07:46,130
I've got so many questions.
195
00:07:46,141 --> 00:07:48,624
Like, what are the other
rules of Fight Club?
196
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,193
Well, the first rule is...
197
00:07:50,204 --> 00:07:51,629
No, I'm clear on the first rule.
198
00:07:51,723 --> 00:07:54,448
And I know the second rule
is just repeating the first.
199
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,799
But there's got to be loads more.
200
00:07:55,894 --> 00:07:59,211
Like, I got to think "no
sack attacks" is on there.
201
00:07:59,222 --> 00:08:00,405
Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get
202
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,389
Jennifer Aniston's number from you?
203
00:08:02,405 --> 00:08:03,782
I know she's got to be a nightmare,
204
00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:06,127
but she keeps it so freakin' tight.
205
00:08:06,145 --> 00:08:08,646
Okay, enough small talk.
Let's do what I brought him here for:
206
00:08:08,798 --> 00:08:10,481
To break the Internet with a group
207
00:08:10,575 --> 00:08:13,242
- head-smushed-together selfie.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
208
00:08:13,253 --> 00:08:14,568
[CAMERA CLICKS]
209
00:08:15,084 --> 00:08:17,413
Kevin Spacey? Get out of here.
210
00:08:17,424 --> 00:08:19,788
You're not allowed to be in
head-smushed-together photos
211
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:20,890
after what you did.
212
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,477
Not guilty on all British counts.
213
00:08:23,642 --> 00:08:25,755
[CHUCKLES] Oh, that rascal.
214
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:30,834
[KNOCKING]
215
00:08:31,369 --> 00:08:34,070
Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.
216
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,015
♪ ♪
217
00:08:37,469 --> 00:08:40,576
Oh, I know who you are. I'm... [SCREAMS]
218
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,421
Hi, I'm... [SCREAMS]
219
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,847
Stewart. Charmed.
220
00:08:44,114 --> 00:08:45,780
I know you dump people when they're 40,
221
00:08:45,791 --> 00:08:48,550
but that still gives us 39 good years.
222
00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:50,883
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.
223
00:08:50,894 --> 00:08:52,814
Um, when you did that movie Snatch,
224
00:08:52,825 --> 00:08:55,132
did you know that also
means something else?
225
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,786
Because it very much does.
226
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:59,180
That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.
227
00:08:59,435 --> 00:09:01,471
Peter, I was wondering
if I could spend some time
228
00:09:01,482 --> 00:09:03,983
with you and your family,
observing how you live
229
00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:06,269
and how you eat, to
prepare for the role.
230
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:07,812
Sure, I'd be glad to help.
231
00:09:07,823 --> 00:09:10,064
Wow, I ain't had a
celebrity ask me for a favor
232
00:09:10,075 --> 00:09:12,543
since Jeremy Renner asked me
to shovel out his driveway.
233
00:09:12,810 --> 00:09:16,455
- [ENGINE IDLING]
- Uh, Jeremy, in light of recent events, uh...
234
00:09:16,613 --> 00:09:18,600
could ol' Pete borrow your skis?
235
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,871
Okay, Brad, I'm gonna
teach you to be a fat guy.
236
00:09:24,882 --> 00:09:26,957
For starters, this is where we eat.
237
00:09:27,092 --> 00:09:30,035
Um, excuse me, Mr.
Pitt, but would you mind
238
00:09:30,046 --> 00:09:31,729
if I FaceTime my friends with you here?
239
00:09:31,881 --> 00:09:34,139
Oh, my God, they'll go crazy!
240
00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:35,658
Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.
241
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,577
- [SQUEALS]
- [FACETIME APP RINGING]
242
00:09:47,839 --> 00:09:49,505
Oh, boy.
243
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:52,883
Oh, this-this is sad.
244
00:09:54,482 --> 00:09:57,926
Oh, this-this is just... Oh...
245
00:09:58,643 --> 00:10:00,424
Why don't I just take this, dear.
246
00:10:00,518 --> 00:10:02,342
- [RINGING STOPS]
- [PHONE BEEPS]
247
00:10:06,999 --> 00:10:09,166
Okay, Brad, now, another
fat guy rule is that
248
00:10:09,177 --> 00:10:11,252
when you're out at
restaurants, always act like
249
00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:12,907
you're on the fence about dessert.
250
00:10:13,022 --> 00:10:15,029
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
251
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,815
Seriously? You must be joking.
252
00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,602
I cannot move. No, sir. No way.
253
00:10:19,613 --> 00:10:21,205
Absolutely stuffed to the gills.
254
00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:23,020
Gonna have to take a rain check.
255
00:10:23,031 --> 00:10:25,181
Although... No, no, I
can't even suggest it.
256
00:10:25,308 --> 00:10:28,583
We are done. Done-a-roo. Check, please.
257
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,236
Although... just thinking,
258
00:10:30,247 --> 00:10:31,896
I don't know when we'll be back here.
259
00:10:31,907 --> 00:10:33,665
I read about the
award-winning pastry chef...
260
00:10:33,817 --> 00:10:35,483
Wait, what am I saying? No! No.
261
00:10:35,494 --> 00:10:36,719
Stop me, please, someone, please.
262
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,562
Bring the check now.
263
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,905
Okay, you know what, we'll get
one order and we'll all share.
264
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:42,841
One dessert, one dish, five spoons.
265
00:10:43,068 --> 00:10:44,401
Whoever wants can have some.
266
00:10:44,419 --> 00:10:46,345
One plate. One of everything. My plate.
267
00:10:46,496 --> 00:10:48,430
One spoon. No share.
268
00:10:51,427 --> 00:10:53,278
Now, Brad, if you're gonna
play a fat guy on camera,
269
00:10:53,289 --> 00:10:55,550
you got to learn how
to do the rope swing.
270
00:10:58,314 --> 00:11:00,040
Okay, let me show you how it's done.
271
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,235
[GROANS]
272
00:11:05,193 --> 00:11:07,435
900,000 views.
273
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,759
- I'm learning so much.
- That's great.
274
00:11:09,853 --> 00:11:11,761
Hey, can you click
on a porn site for me?
275
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:13,279
Otherwise I got to peck it with my nose
276
00:11:13,432 --> 00:11:15,332
like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
277
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,764
Here you go.
278
00:11:23,775 --> 00:11:25,217
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.
279
00:11:25,337 --> 00:11:26,934
I love a home-cooked meal.
280
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:29,537
Well, we are so happy to have you.
281
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,105
- How's Shiloh?
- Who?
282
00:11:31,116 --> 00:11:32,540
- How's Maddox?
- Who?
283
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,208
- How's Zahara?
- Who?
284
00:11:34,228 --> 00:11:35,560
- How's Pax?
- Who?
285
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:36,961
- How's Vivienne?
- Who?
286
00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:38,444
- How's Knox?
- Who?
287
00:11:38,455 --> 00:11:40,288
Ignore her, she can be so annoying.
288
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:42,058
Sometimes I wish I had a private plane
289
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,908
just so I could choke her on it.
290
00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:49,356
Hey, can I get you anything?
291
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:52,460
Another pork-n-Cheetos
sandwich or a buffalo latte?
292
00:11:52,471 --> 00:11:53,728
I'm good, Peter, thanks.
293
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,155
[DIRECTOR] Brad, you're up!
294
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,415
[GROANS]
295
00:11:56,566 --> 00:11:58,825
[GRUNTING]
296
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,994
- Ah!
- [DIRECTOR] Brad? Are you okay?
297
00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:03,738
My back. I threw out
my back. I can't move.
298
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:05,714
Hey, since you can't
really move right now,
299
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,466
this is probably a good time to ask,
300
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,310
what's Juliette Lewis really like?
301
00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:12,246
[STRAINING] Nice.
Talented. Professional.
302
00:12:12,512 --> 00:12:15,304
- A little shrill.
- Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right.
303
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,528
[GROANING, PANTING]
304
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:20,988
I don't think I can walk.
305
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:23,016
We can't push back
our schedule any more.
306
00:12:23,027 --> 00:12:24,982
If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do?
307
00:12:24,993 --> 00:12:26,643
We'll need a new Chris Christie.
308
00:12:26,654 --> 00:12:30,039
But who could possibly play
that role on such short notice?
309
00:12:31,181 --> 00:12:32,842
I can play that role.
310
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:34,944
Griffin, you're not even an actor.
311
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,530
No, but what I am is a real fat guy.
312
00:12:37,617 --> 00:12:39,283
Brad Pitt was never the right choice.
313
00:12:39,293 --> 00:12:42,276
This role calls for real-life
fat guy authenticity.
314
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,361
I mean, would
Transparent have been as good
315
00:12:44,455 --> 00:12:46,121
if they just put a guy in a dress?
316
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,948
Would Neil Patrick
Harris have been as funny
317
00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:49,533
on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn't
318
00:12:49,544 --> 00:12:51,891
a known heterosexual horndog?
319
00:12:51,902 --> 00:12:53,569
Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic
320
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:57,039
if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't
a dignified Black man?
321
00:12:57,869 --> 00:12:59,627
We're in a jam. What do you think?
322
00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:01,462
I don't think we have any other choice.
323
00:13:01,844 --> 00:13:03,873
All right, Griffin, you got the part.
324
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,791
Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends.
325
00:13:05,802 --> 00:13:07,560
They're gonna be so excited for me.
326
00:13:07,571 --> 00:13:09,721
[FACETIME APP RINGING]
327
00:13:13,866 --> 00:13:15,533
Oh, boy.
328
00:13:16,651 --> 00:13:18,410
Oh, this-this is sad.
329
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,620
[TV ANNOUNCER] We now
return to a steamy business drama
330
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,723
where no one understands
what's happening.
331
00:13:28,743 --> 00:13:31,334
Are you saying we should
forge the EBITDA projections
332
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:32,919
- for the quarterlies?
- No.
333
00:13:32,930 --> 00:13:34,486
I'm saying we declare a revenue-miss
334
00:13:34,497 --> 00:13:35,997
while issuing additional shares
335
00:13:36,174 --> 00:13:38,582
based on reduced
capitalization estimates.
336
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,676
Jim, you're in grave danger
337
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,262
of violating the Glass-Steagall Act.
338
00:13:42,497 --> 00:13:44,997
[CHRIS] They haven't shown
a bare ass in three weeks!
339
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:46,599
Show me your ass, Jim.
340
00:13:46,752 --> 00:13:48,037
[CHRIS] And I'm back.
341
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,836
Griffins, you are
looking at the new lead
342
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:52,605
in the Chris Christie movie.
343
00:13:52,822 --> 00:13:55,340
You? Wh-What happened to Brad Pitt?
344
00:13:55,650 --> 00:13:57,509
It's what I've been
saying all along, Lois.
345
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,762
He can't do what I do.
346
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,813
He doesn't bring the
fat guy authenticity.
347
00:14:00,957 --> 00:14:03,015
His sweat doesn't
smell like french fries.
348
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,256
He doesn't bring the
sky-high blood pressure
349
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:06,825
or the jolting sleep apnea.
350
00:14:06,836 --> 00:14:08,687
I have that gift. That's why.
351
00:14:08,856 --> 00:14:10,765
Peter, this is ridiculous.
352
00:14:10,776 --> 00:14:12,756
You can't play Chris Christie.
353
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:14,268
You're not even an actor.
354
00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:15,445
Oh, no?
355
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:19,282
Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh!
356
00:14:19,481 --> 00:14:20,930
Sound familiar?
357
00:14:20,941 --> 00:14:23,417
- But how do you...?
- Squirt gun full of Ivory.
358
00:14:23,428 --> 00:14:26,380
Sorry, Lunchables, I'm
afraid I've lost my appetite.
359
00:14:26,391 --> 00:14:27,782
Peter, I'm proud of you.
360
00:14:27,793 --> 00:14:29,142
You're actually making important strides
361
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:32,039
on behalf of inclusivity
and cultural sensitivity.
362
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,302
Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.
363
00:14:33,313 --> 00:14:34,795
As long as we don't got to take down
364
00:14:34,806 --> 00:14:36,213
the Confederate statue in the yard.
365
00:14:36,224 --> 00:14:38,115
That's for history and learning.
366
00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:39,551
Even if they did come in second place
367
00:14:39,562 --> 00:14:41,752
out of two armies in a war.
368
00:14:41,763 --> 00:14:44,222
- So, how'd we do?
- Second place, baby.
369
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:45,642
Hey, not bad.
370
00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:48,169
Silver medal. Whoo!
371
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,091
Okay, Peter, so, in this next scene,
372
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:57,086
Christie would probably
struggle in the heat and sun
373
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,088
on the George Washington Bridge.
374
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:01,591
You presume to lecture
me what it's like?
375
00:15:01,602 --> 00:15:03,843
How dare you thinsplain to me?
376
00:15:04,135 --> 00:15:06,745
Talk to me when your BMI is over 35.
377
00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:08,589
Wow, a real live movie set.
378
00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:10,907
So cool to be here for the magic.
379
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:12,821
Yeah, and look, there's a child star
380
00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:14,314
who's getting an hour of school.
381
00:15:14,325 --> 00:15:16,664
Okay, Billy, now, what color is this?
382
00:15:16,955 --> 00:15:18,545
- Blue?
- Close enough.
383
00:15:18,556 --> 00:15:19,675
Now get back out there
384
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,353
and be the most distracting
part of any film.
385
00:15:22,364 --> 00:15:23,455
♪ ♪
386
00:15:23,910 --> 00:15:25,826
♪ Making a movie ♪
387
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:29,081
♪ Not as glamorous as it seems ♪
388
00:15:29,092 --> 00:15:30,575
♪ Standing around ♪
389
00:15:30,594 --> 00:15:33,078
♪ For three hours just to move a light ♪
390
00:15:33,237 --> 00:15:36,772
♪ Tripping over thick
cables everywhere ♪
391
00:15:36,783 --> 00:15:42,103
♪ Spending all day shooting
one ten-second scene, yeah ♪
392
00:15:42,114 --> 00:15:45,975
♪ Waving flies off the
craft service table ♪
393
00:15:47,632 --> 00:15:49,260
♪ Making a movie ♪
394
00:15:49,271 --> 00:15:52,514
♪ Way more tedious than it seems ♪
395
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:56,376
♪ The most important
job is the editor ♪
396
00:15:56,603 --> 00:16:00,380
♪ Staring at a frame
for 18 hours straight ♪
397
00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:03,625
♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪
398
00:16:03,719 --> 00:16:08,722
♪ Even a dumb cartoon like
this takes 18 months ♪
399
00:16:08,873 --> 00:16:13,351
♪ What are we all doing? ♪
400
00:16:17,425 --> 00:16:19,258
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
401
00:16:19,507 --> 00:16:21,933
Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere.
402
00:16:21,944 --> 00:16:23,594
This is so exciting!
403
00:16:23,712 --> 00:16:26,472
Did Dr. Hartman bring a
woman in a coma as his date?
404
00:16:26,741 --> 00:16:29,558
Hey, guys, big night,
huh? See you in there.
405
00:16:29,578 --> 00:16:31,486
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
406
00:16:32,264 --> 00:16:35,179
Oh, God, here come those
mindless entertainment reporters
407
00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:37,097
who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"
408
00:16:37,108 --> 00:16:38,120
- Stewie!
- Stewie.
409
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,136
Over here, Stewie.
410
00:16:39,146 --> 00:16:41,464
How do you respond to
those who accuse your show
411
00:16:41,482 --> 00:16:43,482
of trafficking in decades of misogyny,
412
00:16:43,493 --> 00:16:46,161
homophobia and racially
insensitive stereotyping?
413
00:16:46,319 --> 00:16:48,743
Uh... Thom Browne, thank you.
414
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:50,364
Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.
415
00:16:50,375 --> 00:16:52,892
And here's the star of
the film, Peter Griffin.
416
00:16:52,903 --> 00:16:54,402
What are you wearing tonight, Peter?
417
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,270
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.
418
00:16:57,281 --> 00:16:59,615
The jacket is stolen from
a steak house maître d',
419
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,202
and the pants are a towel.
420
00:17:01,259 --> 00:17:03,776
You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.
421
00:17:03,795 --> 00:17:05,254
Well, it wasn't so much pranks
422
00:17:05,265 --> 00:17:06,765
as yelling and shouting at women.
423
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,126
Yeah, a lot of 'em aren't here tonight.
424
00:17:08,159 --> 00:17:10,509
They're doing some town hall
meeting with Gloria Allred.
425
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,855
Ah, we'll see what happens.
426
00:17:17,308 --> 00:17:18,549
The after-party's at a Panera
427
00:17:18,568 --> 00:17:21,160
that's still open to normal customers.
428
00:17:21,387 --> 00:17:23,496
[CHEERING]
429
00:17:23,805 --> 00:17:25,138
Thank you all for coming.
430
00:17:25,149 --> 00:17:27,225
- [QUAGMIRE] Giggity.
- It was a lot of hard work.
431
00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:30,169
- [QUAGMIRE] Giggity.
- And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike,
432
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:33,322
we were unable to write a
third joke for this speech.
433
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:34,990
[CHEERING]
434
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:36,901
- Hey!
- Ow!
435
00:17:36,919 --> 00:17:38,194
That's your father's movie up there.
436
00:17:38,196 --> 00:17:39,904
Pay attention, you dope.
437
00:17:39,922 --> 00:17:42,140
♪ ♪
438
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,227
[CLAMORING ON SCREEN]
439
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,655
Repeat after me.
440
00:17:48,666 --> 00:17:51,334
- I's am governor.
- I's am governor.
441
00:17:51,352 --> 00:17:54,003
- Youse are not.
- Youse are not.
442
00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:56,689
Big Pussy didn't
deserve to die like that
443
00:17:56,841 --> 00:17:57,949
in The Sopranos.
444
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,525
But he was a freakin' rat!
445
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:02,252
Congratulations, you are
the governor of New Jersey.
446
00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,354
Now let's all root for
the Jets and the Mets
447
00:18:04,365 --> 00:18:06,031
like the idiots we are.
448
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,275
[CHEERING]
449
00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:10,378
♪ ♪
450
00:18:11,539 --> 00:18:14,006
[THUNDER CRASHING]
451
00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:18,526
Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.
452
00:18:18,537 --> 00:18:21,296
It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.
453
00:18:21,473 --> 00:18:24,032
Please don't let me
be killed by a Sandy.
454
00:18:24,043 --> 00:18:27,861
The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.
455
00:18:27,872 --> 00:18:29,872
♪ ♪
456
00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:31,816
[CRYING]
457
00:18:31,827 --> 00:18:34,237
Oh, Chris, you're dying.
458
00:18:34,799 --> 00:18:36,961
Don't remember me like this.
459
00:18:37,027 --> 00:18:39,130
Remember me stuffed like a sausage
460
00:18:39,141 --> 00:18:41,826
into that NYPD softball uniform.
461
00:18:41,977 --> 00:18:44,978
♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪
462
00:18:45,404 --> 00:18:48,863
- [SCATTERED CLAPPING]
- ♪ And I would walk 500. ♪
463
00:18:49,976 --> 00:18:51,792
[FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM]
Hey, that was terrific.
464
00:18:51,803 --> 00:18:54,304
[FORCED] Oh, what an achievement.
465
00:18:54,315 --> 00:18:55,888
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
You really did it, buddy.
466
00:18:55,899 --> 00:18:57,732
What are you guys
talking about? I stunk.
467
00:18:57,743 --> 00:18:58,841
I can't act at all.
468
00:18:58,852 --> 00:19:00,151
No...
469
00:19:00,162 --> 00:19:03,239
You were, uh, very believably fat.
470
00:19:03,705 --> 00:19:05,290
Didn't you notice half the time
471
00:19:05,301 --> 00:19:06,633
I was staring right into the camera?
472
00:19:06,644 --> 00:19:09,049
They had to use peanut
butter to get me on my mark.
473
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,323
Yeah, but you've done a great thing
474
00:19:10,334 --> 00:19:12,492
for authenticity and inclusivity.
475
00:19:12,503 --> 00:19:13,981
I don't even know what those words mean,
476
00:19:13,992 --> 00:19:16,234
I just like to see your
tail wag when you say 'em.
477
00:19:16,245 --> 00:19:18,745
Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.
478
00:19:18,756 --> 00:19:19,939
How are they marginalized?
479
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,182
The whole country's full
of dumb, fat [BLEEP].
480
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:25,697
Now more than ever, we need
authenticity and inclusivity.
481
00:19:25,889 --> 00:19:27,998
No, Brian. What we need is good actors.
482
00:19:28,099 --> 00:19:29,765
I don't care if they're
Black, white, tall,
483
00:19:29,784 --> 00:19:31,357
short, thin, fat.
484
00:19:31,368 --> 00:19:32,975
Gay, straight... you forgot those ones.
485
00:19:32,986 --> 00:19:35,095
Look, I-I admit I
thought acting was easy.
486
00:19:35,192 --> 00:19:37,430
And maybe I was blinded
by all the praise I got
487
00:19:37,441 --> 00:19:38,940
from Harvey Weinstein.
488
00:19:38,951 --> 00:19:41,935
Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't
had clout for like six years.
489
00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:44,129
Oh, boy. Then I may have
done some things I'll regret.
490
00:19:45,179 --> 00:19:47,513
I don't know, I guess, as
a fat guy, I-I got offended
491
00:19:47,524 --> 00:19:49,691
that Chris Christie
wasn't played by a fat guy.
492
00:19:49,702 --> 00:19:52,191
But turns out it just
needed to be a good actor.
493
00:19:52,202 --> 00:19:54,346
Maybe we should all
spend less time judging
494
00:19:54,357 --> 00:19:55,597
and more time enjoying
495
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:57,500
what different actors
bring to different roles.
496
00:19:57,511 --> 00:19:59,803
That's the magic of movies and TV.
497
00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:01,387
[CHRIS] And stepson porn.
498
00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:03,715
Chris, you don't have to
join every conversation.
499
00:20:03,726 --> 00:20:06,059
[MURMURING]
500
00:20:06,351 --> 00:20:07,610
Okay, look, look, I understand
501
00:20:07,621 --> 00:20:09,545
not everyone will agree on this issue,
502
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,556
but let's discuss it
in a civilized manner
503
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:14,198
by making death threats
from our individual homes
504
00:20:14,209 --> 00:20:15,893
to one another on the Internet.
505
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,594
[PHONE CHIMES]
506
00:20:17,762 --> 00:20:20,402
_
507
00:20:20,503 --> 00:20:22,521
Right back at you, buddy.
508
00:20:27,739 --> 00:20:30,655
Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.
509
00:20:30,666 --> 00:20:32,165
Yeah, the money was
good, but I got tired of
510
00:20:32,203 --> 00:20:34,030
- all the one-night stands.
- What?
511
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,993
- Huh?
- Sorry, my ears have been clogged
512
00:20:36,004 --> 00:20:38,172
since I made out with that
guy from the film crew.
513
00:20:38,183 --> 00:20:39,184
- What?
- Huh?
514
00:20:39,195 --> 00:20:40,435
Well, I got to say, Bri,
515
00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:41,598
it might not have worked out for Dad,
516
00:20:41,609 --> 00:20:43,943
but I sure got bit by the acting bug.
517
00:20:43,954 --> 00:20:45,360
Really? You want to be an actor?
518
00:20:45,371 --> 00:20:47,855
Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar.
519
00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:51,699
Stella! Stella!
520
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,164
What?!
521
00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:54,737
Is Aidan home?
522
00:20:55,264 --> 00:21:00,264
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40017
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
