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♪♪
2
00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:04,838
Announcer:
Our best minds have determined
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:09,926
that the whole universe
is the dream of one ant.
4
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,554
[ Gasps ]
5
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,682
Huh?
6
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:20,687
[ Panicked breathing ]
7
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,567
Aah!
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,027
A-Are you okay?
9
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,319
I was just sleeping,
10
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,405
and I heard
troubled breath.
11
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,741
Nothing. Nothing.
I-I'm fine.
12
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,492
I just...
had a nightmare.
13
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:35,827
What are you
accusing me of?
14
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:40,790
I-I didn't shove anything
all up in your ear.
15
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:42,792
[ Drip! ]
16
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,961
I never seen that thing
before in my life.
17
00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,546
I don't even know
what it is.
18
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,173
Besides,
my thing would need
19
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:49,632
one twice that size.
20
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,551
What did you do to me?!
21
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,595
[ Sobs ]
[ Snoring ]
22
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,680
Stop this!
What d-- What did you do?
23
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:56,848
Huh?
Get up!
24
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,183
W-W-What's happening?
25
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,809
W-Why are you
hitting me?
26
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:03,146
What have you done to me
while I was sleeping?
27
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,815
[ Panicked cries ]
28
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:07,650
What did you do to me?
29
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,153
I -- I didn't
do anything.
30
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,488
I don't think I did.
31
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,448
Did I do something to you?
32
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,075
Oh, God!
What did I do?!
33
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,577
What did you do to me?
You monster!
34
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,371
I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.
35
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:22,665
It's okay.
I forgive you.
36
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,000
These things happen.
37
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,169
Why are you
so good to me?
38
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:29,964
Because you have such tight,
pretty ears.
39
00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:33,384
Not really.
You really wanna know?
40
00:01:33,384 --> 00:01:35,720
I've never shown
anyone this.
41
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,180
[ Grunts ]
42
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♪♪
43
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It's huge.
44
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,396
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
45
00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,400
[ Squealing ]
46
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:54,114
[ Clicking ]
47
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♪♪
48
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Announcer: Then again,
toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer
49
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:08,545
was the greatest peekaboo player
the world had ever known.
50
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:09,254
Trudy?
51
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,131
W-Where's Trudy?
I just saw her.
52
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,508
She was just here.
Where'd she go?
53
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,676
Where'd she go?!
54
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,886
Oh, God.
She was just here!
55
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,681
Oh, my God! Trudy!
56
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,807
Where'd you go?!
57
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,600
Oh, my God.
58
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,977
Oh, Trudy!
My baby!
59
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,520
Where's my baby?!
60
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,730
911!
Someone stole my baby!
61
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:28,898
Oh, God! [ Sobs ]
62
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,567
Someone stole my baby!
63
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,444
Oh, God,
oh, God, oh God.
64
00:02:33,444 --> 00:02:34,904
Oh, God.
What's going on?
65
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,823
Where's Trudy?
What happened?!
66
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,700
Where is she?!
Aah!
67
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:39,909
[ Shattering ]
68
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:42,328
[ Sirens wail ]
69
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,664
You get that bastard
that took her!
70
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:47,542
If he hurt a hair
on her head, I swear,
71
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,002
I'm gonna rip
God's face off
72
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,129
and -- and ram it
down his tip.
73
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:54,215
I promise
I will find your daughter,
74
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:58,094
even if I have to
kill her to do it.
75
00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,055
Announcer: Police rounded up
every pervert in the area,
76
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:03,183
torturing them
for information,
77
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,186
which, naturally,
the perverts loved.
78
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,272
They undulated
orgasmically for more.
79
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:12,358
The cops were all
too happy to oblige.
80
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:16,654
Nipple twisting,
purple nurples, blue nurples,
81
00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:18,239
every nurple in the rainbow
82
00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:20,575
turned up
a steaming pile of zilch.
83
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:26,080
The trauma of losing their child
tore the parents apart.
84
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:30,293
Last year, I let your brothers
sandwich my business.
85
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:33,421
Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi.
So did I.
86
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:36,925
Before long, a father
finds a suitable outlet
87
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,010
to properly deal
with his grief.
88
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:45,600
If I don't see my child again
soon, I'm gonna do this.
89
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:51,773
Announcer: Some children
are just naturally talented.
90
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We'll never know why.
91
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,818
Peekaboo!
92
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:58,696
Trudy!
Oh, sweetie, where were you?
93
00:03:58,696 --> 00:03:59,864
Oh, my God, Trudy.
94
00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,991
Don't ever
disappear again.
95
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:02,951
Trudy?!
96
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:05,828
Trudy! Trudy!!
97
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,705
[ Screams ]
98
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,043
Peekaboo.
99
00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:15,088
Mama? Papa?
100
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,590
[ Chicken clucking ]
101
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:21,719
Announcer: We have long known
that chickens can live for years
102
00:04:21,719 --> 00:04:23,179
with their heads cut off.
103
00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:25,515
Recently, embedded Mideast
war reporters
104
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:29,185
have been dosing with huge
infusions of chicken blood
105
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:31,896
to frustrate
their terrorist beheaders.
106
00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:34,399
This is what western
infidels get!
107
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,192
Is that all you got,
cha-cha?
108
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,987
[ Laughs, yawns ]
109
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,781
Shut up and die,
you infidel pig dog.
110
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,784
Uh, correction --
chicken dog.
111
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,160
Bawk-bawk.
[ Smooches ]
112
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,329
You are making me angry.
113
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:51,791
And you have schmutz
on your dress.
114
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:55,128
Bonk! Gotcha!
Bawk-bawk, playa!
115
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,089
Announcer: Innocent bystanders
were so amused,
116
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,000
they took the act on the road.
117
00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,802
[ Laughter ]
Why will you
118
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:06,097
Uh, why don't you
brush your teeth already?
119
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,432
I'm warning you --
120
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:11,102
keep it up and I'll stop
this holy war right now.
121
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,063
Bawk-bawk, homey.
A-bawk-bawk.
122
00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:17,275
[ Slide whistle plays ]
123
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:20,403
Mmm, check the hottie
in the front row.
124
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:23,072
Hey, uh, missy,
you care for a three-way?
125
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:24,949
Or at least a 2 1/4-way?
126
00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:26,617
[ Laughs ]
127
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:30,163
Hey, I'm not severed
where it counts.
128
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,415
Please die,
for the love of Allah.
129
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:36,127
Tell you what, I'll die
if you answer one question.
130
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,254
You have a deal.
Fire away.
131
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:41,257
Why does your faith
glorify hate?
132
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:44,218
[ Audience gasping ]
133
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,471
You really want to know?
134
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:50,516
For me, it's --
s-see, I never had a mother.
135
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,311
[ Sniffles ]
[ Audience boos ]
136
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,271
Wait, wait,
if you never had a mom,
137
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,148
then how do you
exist at all?
138
00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:00,109
Jumpin' Jihad,
you're right.
139
00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:04,572
[ Cheers and applause ]
140
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,491
Announcer:
At that precise moment,
141
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:12,413
only one man was having
a worse day at work.
142
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,457
Man: We are
so freaking disappointed
143
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,583
in your output, Dwyer.
144
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,293
Everyone else
in this department types
145
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:19,545
at least 10,000
random numbers a day.
146
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,173
Your average is 19.
147
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:23,841
Sorry, sir.
It's just --
148
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:26,594
I -- It's just --
What's so hard
149
00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:29,347
Just type random numbers
as fast as you can.
150
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:32,934
See? Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's it. Easy peasy.
151
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:34,060
Now you try. Go!
152
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,687
Uh. Um...
153
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:39,232
Let's see, uh...
Ooh...
154
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,025
Uh...
155
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:43,528
Um...
Just hit numbers!
156
00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,279
Faster. Faster!
157
00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,407
But I can never decide
which number to choose.
158
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,450
Don't think about it.
Just type. It's random.
159
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,245
I know, but I still
want it to be good.
160
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,122
Well, it isn't good.
161
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,331
And what's this?
162
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,375
There's some type
of Goddamn hole
163
00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:59,377
in the back
of your head here.
164
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,294
Whoa.
165
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,547
Weird little critter
living in there.
166
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:05,758
Hey, little guy.
What the hell, Dwyer?
167
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:08,261
I wish you could
see this. What is it?
168
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,762
What is it?!
Come on, Dwyer,
169
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:11,264
how the hell
am I supposed to know?
170
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,807
Get your act together.
171
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,560
Let me feed
this little thing for you.
172
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,314
Damn thing was hungry.
173
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,483
Maybe that's why
you're doing a sucky job.
174
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,068
Did it eat?!
175
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:26,946
What is it?
176
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:27,989
Dagit!
177
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,533
The damn thing's allergic
to peanuts or something.
178
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,910
You're on thin ice
with this nonsense, Dwyer.
179
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:35,580
I'm sorry. Here, l-let me
help you wipe that up.
180
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:39,834
Just get back to work.
And get that thing checked out.
181
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:46,007
[ Faint growling ]
182
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,971
[ Hisses ]
What are you doing?
183
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,891
Just keep working, Dwyer.
I'm having a look.
184
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:59,228
W-What the he--
What the hell is this thing?
185
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:00,605
[ Squeaks ]
186
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:06,235
Ah! What the heck-fire?
Just keep working.
187
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:07,945
Feisty little bastard.
188
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:11,491
Oh, wait.
That's what's going on.
189
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,118
Feisty little bitch,
I should say --
190
00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:16,120
protecting her eggs.
191
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,247
Eggs?
192
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:19,415
I'm a little scared.
193
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,458
It's okay.
194
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,668
She got the little things
hatching right now.
195
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,587
What does it look like?
Christ, Dwyer!
196
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:28,382
Those things are loud.
Buddy, these are disruptive.
197
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:31,260
[ Chirping and squeaking ]
This is not
198
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:32,720
for a workspace
environment.
199
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,598
I'm sorry. I could strap
a pillow to my head.
200
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,808
Muffle it.
I can't hear you,
201
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,018
It's too loud!
202
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,645
Or could you fill
it with water
203
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,063
and drown them?
Or piss?
204
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:46,567
Sorry, Dwyer!
Look, we gotta let you go.
205
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:50,446
You can fire me,
but one day I'll show you.
206
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,490
I'll show you all.
[ Gunfire ]
207
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:55,159
Christ, Dwyer!
It's too loud.
208
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,996
[ Whimpering ]
209
00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:02,583
Announcer: When he realized
that no one believed in him,
210
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:06,254
Doug rushed home to see
if he was there.
211
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:11,634
Dwyer: And the noble prize
for the Most Random Series
212
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:15,513
of Numbers of All Time
goes to...
213
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,432
Dougie Dwyer!
214
00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:21,644
[ Smooches ]
215
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,646
Announcer: When he reflected
on his strengths,
216
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:26,065
Doug finally began
to love himself.
217
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:28,901
And when a man
finds self-esteem,
218
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:32,321
he can coax himself
to go all the way.
219
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:36,867
♪♪
220
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:42,290
It got so steamy,
even his vanity became aroused.
221
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:47,420
And Doug got to experience
every man's fantasy --
222
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,755
a two-way with himself.
223
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:52,258
Dwyer: You're killing me.
Killing me.
224
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:56,512
Kill me. Kill me harder.
Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.
225
00:09:56,512 --> 00:10:00,000
Kill me harder. Kill me harder,
kill me deeper, kill me harder.
226
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:05,521
Announcer: But alas, someone
always gets hurt in love.
227
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,024
And when one raw-dogs it
with a mirror,
228
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:12,903
the fruit of your vain
comes home to roost...
229
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:15,948
Push! Push!
230
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,534
[ Baby cries ]
231
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:22,705
Announcer: ...and our lives are
filled with meaning forever,
232
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,458
as long as the screams
don't get so loud
233
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,586
that they wake the ants
that are dreaming us.
234
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,921
[ Babies crying ]
235
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,803
[ Gasps ]
236
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:41,891
[ Panting ]
237
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,894
♪ Oh, master, oh, master ♪
238
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,481
♪ Don't lay blame on me ♪
239
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,107
♪ 'Twas the false nurse ♪
240
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:54,654
♪ And Lankin that
killed your lady ♪
241
00:10:54,654 --> 00:11:00,993
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪
242
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:08,376
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪
243
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:16,509
♪♪
244
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:21,109
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