All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s03e02 Comic Relief.eng

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing.

Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to the Ricky
Gervais show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant...
Hello.

And a little round-head buffoon.
That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

So, red nose day, Comic Relief
has come around again.

Yeah, um, red nose day is
obviously the very specific

day in the calendar
for the whole...

Generic term, Comic
Relief, I think.

It's normally when the,
uh, telecast happens.

Yeah. Uh, people know that
that's the day when they

can, um, dress up, do
charitable acts.

But of course Comic Relief is a
charity that's working all the time...

For, uh, disenfranchised all
over the world.

Are you...Have you always been a
strong champion of Comic Relief, Karl?

Not really.

Why was I expecting
that answer?

But I do loads of stuff
without going on about it.

My gift to the world has been
you, Karl, to be quite honest.

I feel that you're
the world's now.

I'm sure there's people in Africa
going, "We, we'd prefer blankets."

Yeah.

Doing a will is
charity isn't it?

Is it?

Sort of.
No, it is.

I mean if you make half...

If you make a donation to a
charity within the will...

I suppose that's
quite charitable.

But just giving money
to your relatives isn't, is it?

Of course it is.

They shouldn't have it.
Well, it is.

They're getting something
for nothing, but...

It's... I don't know.

It's giving something
away that you have no use for...

Exactly.

Yeah, but
forget that. It's.

- Someone who's getting something...
- Yeah.

When you've done
nothing for it really.

Well it is. I suppose
it is charity,

but charity is usually infused
with some sort of altruism...

'Cause you're literally
not around anymore.Rt

so it's no longer
you giving it.

It's just some money that there was.
Yeah, but I would either...

Give it to them or
not give it them.

Once I'm dead and
I've turned to mush,

I shouldn't be worrying about...

Suzanne's mum getting a table.

Is that
what you're leaving her?

Well, I've called up
me dad first...

Why are you doing a will?
For the show? Because of this...

- Travel thing I'm, and...
- Right, yeah.

It can get
dangerous, you know.

But why haven't you
done a will up to now?

Because you sort
of uh, I don't know.

I felt sort of young and free.

Whereas now I'm...
I've never...

That's never two words
I' associated with Karl.

No. He's always seemed like a
man who's in his late 50s.

Yeah, totally, yeah.
And I've certainly never the idea that you're free.

It's more... Even if we're just
talking about the head alone,

- it's the head of a late fifty year old.
- Free of hair.

Yeah, totally free
of fucking hair.

I'm sort of getting on first
name terms with me doctor.

Oh really?
Chatting more.

"Oh what is it
this time?"

"How is your
middle finger?"

You know...
Not too bad, Karl.

All that sort of things,

so it just made me think...

Have you had that done for the will by the
way, for insurance and stuff?

- I think you need to didn't he, for the will?
- I think you do.

There's nothing on... no.
The prostate exam?

No, uh, listen. For
insurance purposes,

I think you need to have, um...

A testicular exam for
testicular cancer.

You're just leaving the high risk
for testicular cancer, actually.

And you're, you're entering the
high risk for prostate cancer.

And you can
have both at the same time.

You could have both at the same time.
The examination...

At the same time.
If he's a very dexterous doctor.

Um...
I wouldn't want that.

Why? Too much like?

It's just too much going on.
Too painful?

It's like someone juggling you.

Yeah. It's like being
examined by squidly diddly.

And so you said you
called up your dad.

Called him up.

I said, is there anything
you want if I die?

Right, and presumably
you know...

Suzanne thinks she's getting the...
She's getting the lion's share.

She is.

But then the fellow who was
on the end of the phone,

talking us through it,
was going...

"Oh you should
get married."

I was going,
"Oh, shut up."

He's saying, "Well it'd make things
alot easier when it comes to this."

And it's like, well that isn't a
reason to get married, is it?

Well...

So she can have all me
stuff. I said "I've wrote on a,

"that she can have it."
But it's something about tax.

If you're not married, you
have to hand over more.

I think you get so much and then
it's like ridiculous tax rate.

Yeah.
But...

She's going, "That's why we should get married.
I'm going to be paying tax."

I go, "Hang
on a minute."

She's already like thinking about money
loss instead of me disappearing.

Yeah.
She's going yeah, we should...

I said, "Look, you'll be
getting a load of money."

I said, "If I die on this
program anyway, I'm insured."

- You'll be getting about a million pounds for that.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I said, so that's, that'
something you haven't got now.

Yeah.
Got nowhere near that now.

I said, so even if you have
to pay tax on that... Yeah.

I don't think it'd be right to get
married just in case I get killed.

Have your two
sets of parents met?

No.

That would be good, would it?

Well I suppose it's a reason to, innit?

At least if you're
getting married,

there's a reason
for them to meet.

At the moment, there's no
reason for them to meet.

They'd get on each other's nerves.
Me dad wouldn't get on with her mom.

- Why?
- Just wouldn't.

She doesn't like me, so
she won't like me dad.

Because he's just
an exaggerated version.

So I think, uh...

It doesn't need to happen.

But you could just knick down to
the registry office, get it done,

done and dusd, and you just
phone up your folks and say...

- "It's already happened.
- I said that.

I said, "Listen, if
we had to do it..."

I said, "If it was like we've
got to do it for some reason."

Mmm. I said, "I'd do that."

We can have it done by two.
You can be back in work for three.

Because at the end of the day,
there's no other, there's no...

You know, we've known
each other for years.

Yeah. We're not gonna
suddenly turn into some sort of...

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan film
just because we got married.

- It's gonna be the same. Exactly the same.
- Yeah, yeah...

Me and Jane were out with him and Suzanne
the other night, right, at, at dinner..

And honestly he
is so, so grumpy.

He was saying about, uh,
for Christmas, right...

He said, "You've
had a floor."

He said, "You've
had a...you've had a floor.

Now what did that mean?

We had a new floor put in.

But how is that her floor?

Because she wanted it.

But you walk on it too.
I paid for it.

I don't understand
what you mean.

But don't you understand
that like...

Uh...You know, a romantic
break or clothes or perfumes.

You know, sort of things that
are kind of indulgent for a lady.

That's a gift,
not a new floor. Yeah.

That is like something you give to
somebody, an African fella, on Comic Relief.

In fact I think I saw it once.

He didn't have a floor. Exactly.

They built him a floor. I
remember watching it with you.

And they gave him a new pair of shoes
and the floor. He went, "Hold on.

"Floor or shoes,
not both."

So you think charity
is all right,

as long as the people don't get
above their station with charity?

I think it should be there
as a little...little booster.

Right.

They've always got
their hand out.

Right. And it's been like
that since I was a kid.

Yeah. I remember being a kid.

People knocking on the door.
Me mom going, "Don't look at the door...

"There's someone there."

And we'd just pretend
they weren't there.

Charity starts at
home, not your home.

No but because
it's all the time.

I mean me mom didn't like
answering the door anyway,

even if it was the pools man.
She'd sort of say, "Don't move."

"And he might not see
that we're here."

So you just froze.
When a man was at the door.

Well you just, because the
front room was near the door,

- so people could see in.
- Right. Right.

So you just sort of stayed there and
pretend that either you can't hear him...

So like some
sort of predator. Like...

They can't see you
if you don't move.

Well even if he was
peering in through the window,

and he could see you
in there not moving.

So he looked through,

And there was three people just frozen, right?
Like statues, right.

- Just their eyes looking at him.
- Yeah.

And him confused. Well
they're clearly dead.

I'll
move on. Yeah.

There's obviously
been a gas leak.

And did you, did you stay sitting or stand up?
Or did you sort of like,

throw yourself to the floor?

No, we just sat.
We just sat on the...

You know, where you were,
and you'd just stay still.

But did he ever look in
and see you getting there?

I don't know because you
didn't turn around, did you?

So you would pretend you
couldn't hear the door?

It seemed to be
the 80s had a lot of it.

'Cause it was all the Avon thing
when it was perfume. Tubberware.

What?
Tubberware.

Tupperware?
Yeah. The plastic boxes.

Tubberware.

He's done it. It's
dishes for fat people.

Here we go6

"Oh, these are big."

"Course they are. They're for fat
fuckers like you to eat out of."

Just a lot of charity
stuff. Just a lot.

It seemed to be
the time, the 80s,

that they suddenly found out they
can sort of scav money off people.

Ok, right. Let's do the
scenario. I'm at the door.

Hello, I can
see you're in there."

Might as well come open the door?

Karl? Why are you standing so still?
Are you trying to avoid me?

It's working.

Karl, your eyes are moving.

Can you me to the door please?

That's when he's at the end.
You've got movement? Karl?

Um, no, I'm gonna stay.

I'm just gonna stay here
until you have to move.

Karl.

Ok, and I'll move on then, right.

It works. Works perfectly.
Yeah. Okay. Brilliant.

Because once they've got you, that's
the whole thing with charity.

Once they've stopped
you in the street,

- if you stop, that's it.
- Keeps on going.

I mean the only good thing now is you've
got an iPod so you can just either...

Pretend you're on the phone
or listen to music.

Or just stay very
still, just freeze.

When someone says, "Can I trouble you?
Oh, he's totally frozen."

That would be amazing because
they're normally in one spot aren't they?

Yeah. So as soon as they...
So it's just they carry on selling.

Stop you, you've
just gotta freeze there.

You've gotta stay there
for the rest of it outside...

Yeah.

- For seven hours.
- Yeah. It goes dark.

Hoot, hoot...

Well, I'm, I've finished
my shift, I'm off.

And then you just see, your eyes
just see them walk away like that,

and they all meet in
their little tunics.

And then you start walking.
They look back, and you freeze.

And then they walk on.

And then you can go
home seven hours late.

Ever since I was young, I've always
liked going in charity shops.

Particularly because you know, you find
sort of interesting old records in there.

Never sort of gone in there
to buy clothes and stuff.

But you know, books, whatever.

And, uh, was in
a charity shop...

You know, and I've patronized
them for years, and...

I noticed back through the window
there was a paparazzi guy,

and he was taking pictures
of me through the window.

It was a bit weird, and obviously
the old ladies in there,

didn't have any idea who I was, so they
just thought it was a bit strange.

And then it was in
one of the uh...

The magazines, like the kind
of celebrity magazines.

"Oh, here's Steve Merchant.

"You know despite all the money he must
have made from his various projects."

"He's still going in
charity shops."

And you just think, but how is
that a bad thing? I'm...

Yeah. I give a
lot of stuff to charity.

A lot. Most of the time just because
it's, it's nearer than the wheeliein is.

It's just a way of getting rid of
garbage most of the time with me.

Stick it all in a bin bag.
Good stuff on the top.

The stuff that you're
embarrassed about...

Yeah.
Stick it in the bottom of the bag.

What are you embarrassed about?

Just old shoes, trainers.

Some of the books
you've written.

Uh, socks. Underpants. Socks?

Underpants! You do not give
underpants to charity.

Washed.

But who is gonna...washed.
Washed.

I know, as opposed to just
like peeling them off. Yeah.

I don't know why you've got a
problem with underpants, but shoes.

You see, I'd never buy shoes.
O's buying underpants from a charity shop?

Yeah. I mean, I don't re
how low you are on the

socioeconomic level.
I know.

You can get about 14 pairs for
a quid in some places. Know.

I don't know who's
buying underpants.

I don't know who's
buying your underpants

I definitely don't know. Yeah.
I mean if they were signed.

Fans. That is something, that is
something I like doing though.

When I've given to charity,
I like going past the shop,

and seeing if made it
in the window. Mmm.

Any success?

Yeah, recently. The one not far from
here had me egg cups in the window.

So it's like,
"Oh look, there's that."

What you got a new set of egg cups
so you got rid of your old ones?

Yeah.

I don't think we've
got any egg cups.

Haven't you?
There's nothing wrong...

Honestly, hardly, I mean
this made the window space.

That's how good it was.
It hardly bee used, that egg cup.

Because it was a double one.

And I think they were
quite small for the egg size.

I think they were made more for the
small egg, and I have the large egg.

Right. So it was, it
was never really used.

Just like your underpants.

But, um, a bit of a dilemma
that, um, me auntie Nora had.

She likes charity
shops as well.

Uh, she's got a neighbor...

Went out to Graceland.
Big Elvis fan.

Came back.

She said, "How
was Graceland?"

Said, "Oh it was brilliant.

"I've got a gift
for you, right."

They got out this clock.

Like a...like a little
sort of, it's like a Swiss.

Do you know the Swiss sort of.
..Looks like a house? Cuckoo clock.

Like a cuckoo clock.

But on the hour, little Elvis
comes out of the top and goes,

Uh, huh, huh.
So she went, "Oh cheers." She's not really into Elvis.

She's more into Jim Reeves
and Glen Campbell and stuff.Yea.

But at can you say? She said, "Oh thanks.
Thanks for that."

She took it in the house.
Maybe they could get attachments.

Maybe you get a little Jim Reeves
to pop on the spring.

And then that pops
out or whatever.

So anyway, it's in the house.
She's thinking, I'm not gonna put that up.

It's not her sort of thing.

- So, uh, she thinks, give it to charity.
- Course.

She goes down to the charity shop,
gives them that, thinks nothing of it.

Goes off to the pub
for an afternoon drink.

Anyway, next day she's going
out for afternoon drink again,

passes the charity shop,
it's in the window.

Oof.
Ooo.

And the chances are her
friends are gonna pass by.

That was a dilemma.
Of course.

She had to buy it back.

That's brilliant.
At a hugely inflated price.

Comic relief here is a sort of
um, it happens every other year.

And you know, people often do things
in their workplace or at school.

They can dress up.
They can raise money in different fun ways.

And we were told in a school assembly,
it was Comic Relief next Friday.

"Everyone has to come along

"dressed up in fancy dress
to school on that day."

Has to? Yeah, they said
have to, have to dress up.

That's annoying, isn't it?

So I, 'cause I'm looking forward to
this because you know, I'm a sort of...

An aspiring
comedian and that.

Get to dress up
like a clown, right.

Spent quite a lot of time...
Wow.

Getting the old clown outfit together.
What did that look like?

The shoes obviously I just
wore my regular shoes.

Exactly, yeah.

But I had the red nose, wig, you
Wow.

Bow, big bow tie that my mum
made for me like you know.

I thought this was gonna be
the best day ever, right.

Get to school. I want you to
picture this scene, right.

During the assembly,
my class of 13...

School
uniform, school uniform...

Lanky kid dressed as a clown.

School uniform,
school uniform, school...

So obviously no one showed up,

dressed like an utter dick except
me and about two other knobs.

What disappoints me is
at for a man who was um,

a self-professed
aspiring comedian,

you chose the least funny thing
in the world to dress as.

Yeah.

Clowns are anti-comedy. They
suck comedy out of the room.

It's not.
You're right.

And this is from a man who wanted to
dress as Hitler at the golden globes.

Now that's funny.
He knows funny costumes when he...

But you were saying about the guys
who bother you in the street.

Did I tell you when I pretended to be
foreign to try and get out of that?

Did I tell you that story?
Amazing.

I've periodically used this
method throughout my life.

And not so long ago a guy stopped me
with one of those charity tunics.

And I sprang into
me old trick of,

Sorry. I don't um...

Uh, of...an
elderly Russian woman?

I don't know what voice
that is or what accent that's supposed...

Yeah, it went from vaguely French
to sort of eastern European beggar.

Yeah, I don't know what it was.

And the guy and I don't...
Well, just let me explain to you about...

I'm sorry, I'm not from, uh...

- Stephen and the guy...Yeah.
- This world.

I am from planet Snork.

And the guy said, uh, "Are
you Stephen Merchant?"

No. Sorry, not when you were famous.
Oh yeah.

No you didn't.
Yeah, cause I hadn't...

It hadn't occurred
to me, I like, just...

It was like a lapse
of concentration. No!

God. Almighty.
It was a lapse of concentration...

Because, um...

And did your bow tie spin around when
you squirted water and ran away?

That's what I
would have done.

No because, I, you know,
it's one of those things where

you know, you don't always
remember that you feel...

It's not like I instantly remembered that.
That's amazing.

So, but let me...So he says,
"Are you Stephen Merchant?"

And I, and then you're in this
position where you've gotta go...

Either you've gotta
admit what you did,

or you've gotta
carry on the lie...

And I chose the second one.
So, I was kind of like,

I, I don't know.
Who that is. What?

- I don't know what you're...
- Oh God.

"Really? You look a lot
like him." I was going,

I've never heard, I don't...

In fact, you are Stephen
Merchant. Freeze.

Oh.

I'm always getting
stopped for, for...

I mean there's so
many charities now.

It's not just starving people
anymore. It's everything.

Yeah. One little fault, they're
out there with a clipboard.

Yeah a lot of new, a lot of new
diseases have cropped up. Definitely.

But that shouldn't be allowed.

I think they should have like one
year where they go, "This year...

"Uh, you know,
hungry people."

Right.
"Next year...

"People with
a limp or..."

Just like they do
with the China thing,

with the year of the cat, the year
of the rabbit. It's very clear.

Yeah. It's that year.
Th's who we're helping this year.

Right.
If you've got that problem,

it's your year. You're
gonna have a good one.

And who decides?
Right.

Uh, just have some meeting.

Just have a
meeting. Uh, the...

What would be the first year?
What would be the first year, this year?

Right. Well we'd, we'd look at that,
we'd go right?

"What we hearing a lot of problems
about?" And someone goes,

"so and so's hungry."

Go right, "Are we all in? Are
we in to give this lot food?"

And we're not just
gonna give em food.

So it's not everyone who's hungry, it's
specific people. So it's like hungry...

Starving. People
who are starving.

"Maybe next year. It's not your turn this time.
We can't help everyone at once."

Cause that's life, isn't it?
You've got to give and take in your own life.

There's things that
I want. I can't have,

do without, have something
else that's more important...

But there's so many
causes, that right.

It could wait 20 years before your charity comes round.
That's what I'm saying, Steve.

I know but what can you do then?
Because we're not sorting it all out anyway.

I'm paraplegic.

Right.

Oh, I need help really bad.

So does everyone else.
Well, why are you giving to the hungry now?

Because if we don't help the hungry now...
Right.

They, they can't wait.
You can wait.

Right. Oh, oh
God, I'm blind.

- Is this a different person?
- Yeah. I'm blind.

Right, well you're not
hungry, though, are you?

Well a bit peckish.

Yeah, well...

Where's the fridge?

I can't find the fridge. Can
you help me to the fridge?

I thought I was gonna
be hungry as well.

I'm blind and hungry. I'm blind and hungry
cause I don't know where the fridge is.

Who's let you in?

But Karl this, this is
just a chaotic idea.

It's not.

Because people are hungry, there's, there's
always gonna be people who are hungry.

Yeah but, I sort
the problem out...

How do you sort it out?

Because I'll go, right, not only
are we just giving you food.

Right.
We're giving you some seeds.

We're giving you a pan.

What, you think they
haven't thought of that?

Let me hear
the theory. Please.

- Right.
- Sort it out.

Don't just give food.
That's gonna run out.

Right.
Give them a proper...

You see the problem is, there's companies
who jump on the back of all...

Do you know when I was in the jungle...
Okay. Yeah.

- When I was in the jungle...
- Yeah, right.

- On that travel thing.
- Yeah.

I was in that
tribe, right? Now...

Some company had given that tribe a
laptop because it mes em look good.

They can send
out a press release.

"Well done to so
and so computers."

- Right.
- They supplied the tribe in...

You know, out at Amazon
with a computer.

I saw it. They were using
it as a bread board.

Because they don't know what it is.
They've got no electric.

It's useless to them.
And hat's what charity does. Right.

Right. Companies use it
to make em look good.

When I was there and I really
need to go to the toilet...

I was thinking "Oh tribe, I wonder what
their toilet facilities are like, right?"

Thinking they might, it might be
better than just doing it a hole.

Surely they've built a toilet.
They're not stupid people.

They kill animals. They know what they're doing.
They know how to cook.

Surely they've built
some sort of unit.

Turns out they don't.
They still do it in a hole.

But some company had been
there, some plumbing firm,

and given them a toilet, right?

The bloke who was you know, the
producer who was out there...

He said, oh you'll be happy.
It's a toilet round about...

And I'm thinking...
"Oh brilliant." I go around there.

- It is a toilet but it's not plumbed in.
- Sure.

So it's just a vase
with st in it.

It doesn't work and this
is what we need to do.

We need to get out there and
say, this is how it works.

Educate 'em.
Right.

Okay, so let's do this thing.
So I'm a starving African.

Hello, Karl, got any food?
Got any, got any food?

Got any sandwiches?
I'm starving.

But if I give you my sandwich, so what are
you gonna do then, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna help you.
How? What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna make you
think about how to make food.

Oh okay, well...

Have you ever grown anything before?
No, no.

Right. Well here's some seeds for potatoes.
Oh, brilliant.

Oh thanks, Karl. See you later.
Do I you just put em in the ground, yeah?

Put em in the ground
and water them.

Oh there's no water,
you dopey cunt.

There is some water...

No, there's no water, you dopey cunt.
That's why we're starving, you dopecunt.

Right, at that point, that's where we
go, well this is a lost cause, he.

Cause there's no point. Right.

Can I have your sandwich after all?
No you're not having it.

You're not having it now. Right.
So not only can I not have a sandwich,

you've given me
seeds with no water,

you useless baldheaded
fucking twonk.

Right, but all I've done there is made
the mistake of the computer firm,

whose giving the
laptop to a tribe.

Right. Right.
It useless.

But there's gotta be another
way around this. Go on then.

Either move...
Right.

Because every year, they're
gonna be cueing up, saying,

"I'm hungry, give me a sandwich."

"No, you're not having
another sandwich."

Once again, it's an utterly
ill-formed discussion.

I'm just saying there's no point
cueing up every year.

You want a sandwich?
Here's a sandwich...

But Karl...
The next year,

"Can I have a sandwich?"
Where's your brother?

He died.

Oh God.
It's not sorting anything.

It's buying em an extra day,
an extra month or something.

It's pointless. But Karl, the point
is, like Ricky's just flagged up,

is that some of these countries, the...
Died?

The conditions...
He died. He died!

The conditions are not there to
just be able to plant potato seeds.

So what are they
meant to do then?

You think we should go out every
month, every year with sandwiches?

Is that your answer,
like some sort of buffet?

An all-you-can-eat
thing, once a year.

Oh God. Oh...

See it is bad. You know, I
don't wanna come across harsh.

We've... they've got
nothing. We waste stuff here.

Waste annoys me just as much.
Right.

When I see sandwich
shops chucking stuff out,

- in bin bags, binning it.
- Yeah.

When there's people out
there who are hungry, it's ridiculous.

Yeah.
I don't, I don't understand...

It's a problem that isn't being solve$.
Right. So your...

So your conclusion
for these people,

cause there's no water where
they are, right, is move.

That, that is your honest,
they should move?

Well, well what's
your solution?

Well I, I don't know. I
don't know the ins and outs.

I don't, I don't even
pretend to know. Um, but...

But I tell you, it's not
just, just sticking a...

What's that saying?

I don't know, it's sort of sticking
a plaster over a hole, something.

And the plaster comes off, it's
a problem again. Yeah, yeah...

That's, that's
the saying, yeah.

It's, it's the saying...
I think that was mark twain.

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